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00:00.
00:10Interesting.
00:11He seems to be trying to develop some pressure on the B-file.
00:15I must say, I don't like the look of those double rooks at all.
00:18I think I might have a slight positional advantage after the coming exchange,
00:23but then again, it's hard to say.
00:26Tricky.
00:28Oh, hello.
00:29We're on.
00:30Stephen?
00:31Oh, yes.
00:32Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
00:35Thanks for stepping by.
00:36Thanks indeed.
00:37We've got a neatly packed show for you tonight,
00:39with all the sketches on the top so they don't get creased.
00:41We're also hoping that Michael Hesseltine might drop in for a mug of cocoa,
00:44but as we haven't invited him, I fear our hoping may be in vain.
00:48All that is just so much petty fogging detail.
00:50Our real message is get loose, get comfortable, kick off those corduroy hats,
00:54and enjoy the show.
00:59Between desire and reality.
01:03A bit.
01:05Between fact and breakfast.
01:08Madness, lies, lies, lies.
01:13A bit.
01:14I hate you.
01:16I hate you.
01:17I hate you in the end.
01:18I hate you.
01:20Love, rage, and aches of the ear.
01:24Love, love, love, love.
01:31Pretension, by Fry and Laurie.
01:40Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
01:46Oh, dear, oh, dear.
01:48My colleague Hugh Laurie appears to be doing something rather odd and eccentric,
01:52which on the face of it, at least, has absolutely nothing whatever to do with the show.
01:5630, 31...
01:57I think on your behalf, I'd better look into things.
02:0032.
02:01Macaulay, what are you doing?
02:02None of your business.
02:05Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice.
02:07No, seriously, Hugh, what are you doing?
02:09I said it's none of your business.
02:11Yes, well, actually, it is my business,
02:12since we're both paid to be performing a comedy show
02:15and what you are doing is neither comic nor showy,
02:17I think that gives me the right to ask you what you're doing
02:19and for you to give me a straight answer.
02:23I'm counting out money.
02:24I warn you, Mr Bond, my patience is not inexhaustible.
02:29Tell me why you are counting out money
02:31or my pretty little piranha fish can expect a substantial meal this evening.
02:35Well, I'm counting out money that I've stolen during the course of today.
02:42I beg your pardon?
02:43That's right, I took up mugging recently.
02:46Well, yesterday, actually,
02:48and at the end of the day, I like to count out how much I've earned for tax purposes.
02:52You took this money from people by mugging them?
02:54That's right, two old ladies on the Finchley High Road
02:57and a busker at Baker Street 2.
02:59You stole this from them forcibly and without permission?
03:02Yep.
03:03What a brilliant idea!
03:06It is fantastic, isn't it?
03:07It really is incredibly easy, you just walk up to them,
03:09wave a knife under the nose, Bob's your uncle.
03:11That is remarkable.
03:13Sort of morality-wise, what do you think...
03:16Oh, isn't that just typical of the chattering classes?
03:20Chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, you know, imposing your views on people.
03:24Oh, he's absolutely right.
03:26I'm very ashamed.
03:28Now, ladies and gentlemen, we've arrived at that part of the evening
03:31where, all things being equal,
03:32we would introduce some guests onto the show.
03:35There would be amusement, merriment, applause,
03:37and jovial back-slapping as we affectionately swapped stories
03:41about what it was really like working with Keith Barron.
03:44But, sadly, all things are not equal.
03:48That's right.
03:49Take, for example, the number of people who like Libby Purvis
03:51and compare it to the number of people who have to listen to her every day on the radio.
03:55Definitely not equal.
03:57And so it is with this show.
03:59We cried and we moaned, we begged and we pleaded,
04:02we borrowed and we invested wisely,
04:04but to no avail, not a single person answered our advertisement for guests
04:09in last month's edition of The Watchtower.
04:12And so, ladies and gentlemen,
04:15for the first time, my colleague and I are going to attempt...
04:19And the key word there is foreskin.
04:24Yes, we will attempt to complete a show
04:27in which there are virtually no guests.
04:32Guestless.
04:33In a virtually guest-free environment.
04:36I've chosen in place of my guest
04:38a pair of old trousers that my grandfather used to wear
04:41while he was gardening.
04:44And I've selected an old tin of humbrol paint.
04:47So, let the good times, if not exactly roll,
04:51at least have a seat at the negotiating table.
04:54So, what was Keith Barron really like?
04:58Hello and three dozen welcomes
05:00to the national finals of the Young Tory of the Year
05:03here at the Daily Mail Hall Horror Gate
05:05in front of an invited audience of local businessmen
05:08and their slightly awkward teenage children
05:10in ponytails and annoying ties.
05:12With me is one of the judges, Brent Weaver.
05:14He'll be giving us the benefit of his expert advice
05:17and telling us what to look out for.
05:18Good evening, Brent.
05:19Quite right.
05:20Brent, last year the standard was extraordinarily high.
05:22Do you think we can look forward to something similar this year?
05:24Yeah, Susan, I think we probably can.
05:26Yes, I have been a judge in some of the local heats
05:29and let me tell you that the talent this year
05:30is as awesome as it's ever been.
05:32Of course, this being the national finals,
05:34candidates will be concentrating largely on keynote speeches
05:37and general displays of ignorance and prejudice.
05:39Is that right?
05:40That's right.
05:41Yes, and this year they have introduced a new round,
05:43a getting shiny-faced in a T-shirt round.
05:46T-shirts?
05:47That doesn't sound very easy.
05:48It doesn't sound, no.
05:49But, you see, this is the way that young Toryism
05:51is being developed, you see.
05:53T-shirts show that this is not just an art for the middle classes.
05:56It gives it a general American street fashion-wise appeal
06:00for the young and hip trendy.
06:01All right.
06:02Well, the lights are going down behind us,
06:04as you can probably hear,
06:05and I think our first competitor, Andrew Treadgold,
06:08is ready to go on.
06:12Andrew is in his second year of Exeter
06:14reading human bigotry and libertarian nonsense.
06:17He counts amongst his inspirations
06:19the family values theme by John Patton,
06:23the further cuts in public expenditure sweep
06:25by Kenneth Clark, the range of Portillo,
06:28and the endless variations in J Major.
06:32So, Andrew Treadgold, South-West regional winner.
06:36Conference!
06:38Core values.
06:39Real punishment for offenders.
06:41Family standards.
06:42Opportunity for individual enterprise.
06:45Roll back the frontiers of the state.
06:47Michael's bold and imaginative initiative.
06:49And, yes, why not court for punishment?
06:51Really crack down young offenders' rule of law.
06:53And, yes, I make no quality respect
06:55for ordinary, decent, vast majority welfare sponges.
06:57As Norman said so clearly,
06:59individual enterprise culture,
07:00opportunity attack on friendly liberal education.
07:02We should look up on John's wonderfully forceful point
07:05of sloppy thinking.
07:05Sixties media knockers.
07:07In Michael's bold and imaginative values.
07:09Standards, decency, family, law.
07:10Yes, I make no apology.
07:11Why not even perhaps God?
07:13And pride in country.
07:14Decent, ordinary, sloppy people.
07:15Vast majority of bold new initiatives.
07:17Decent, family, values.
07:18Standards, core values, return to fifties.
07:20Responsibility, individual, respect, standards, values.
07:23And, yes, why not values, respect, standards?
07:25I make no standards.
07:27Vast family law.
07:28Why not sloppy, courtful, God punishment,
07:30individual, decent, sponges,
07:31wishy-washy, friendly, family,
07:32crime, Michael values?
07:42Well, as you can hear,
07:44the audience absolutely loving that.
07:46But what were the judges making of it, I wonder?
07:47Well, it was wonderfully confident and assured, wasn't it?
07:51Original, though, I'm not sure
07:52how the judges are going to like that.
07:53You may have noticed
07:54that in one of the early passages,
07:55he opted for family standards
07:58instead of the more classically correct family values.
08:00But the technique was astounding in one so young.
08:03Every bit as insulting as a Tory twice his age.
08:06But no actual mistakes.
08:07Not real mistakes, no.
08:08I thought at one point
08:09he was going to say something which made sense.
08:11Yes, he just avoided it.
08:12It was a touch-go.
08:13No, no.
08:14Very assured, very ghastly,
08:16completely sucked dry of youth, energy, ideals,
08:19imagination, love, passion, or intelligence.
08:22Well, while the audience throws quietly up,
08:25we'll return you to the shop where we bought you.
08:30Men are just so fragile, aren't they, you know?
08:33You've only got to say something like,
08:36you've got an absolutely tiny one
08:38and you're hopeless in bed
08:39and they get all sort of hurt.
08:42How do you say women are like eggs?
08:45Best not keep them in the fridge.
08:51Yes.
08:52Yes, I like to do,
08:55I like to do about 30 lengths
08:57every day before I go to work.
08:59You know, it really,
09:01it really makes me feel, you know,
09:04shagged.
09:07Well, I was growing up back then
09:09in the oh-so-1960s and 70s,
09:11television entertainment
09:12could be described in just six words
09:13and those six words were variety.
09:17Whatever happened to variety?
09:19They tell us variety is dead.
09:21Well, I happen to know a young man
09:22who may just yet prove those cynics wrong.
09:24I wouldn't be embarrassed
09:25to call this talented youngster
09:27Mr. Variety himself.
09:29He sings, he dances, he tells jokes,
09:31he's a remarkable impressionist
09:32and a world-class ventriloquist.
09:34He tears paper,
09:34he rides a monocycle,
09:35he walks the high wire,
09:36he performs magic,
09:37he reads minds,
09:38he plays the piano,
09:39the harpsichord
09:39and the sackbutt.
09:40He writes all the material
09:42that he wears,
09:43he lifts impossible weights,
09:44he throws knives,
09:45he grows camellias
09:46to an international standard,
09:47he forecasts the weather,
09:49he trains seals,
09:50he seals trains,
09:51he draws lightning portraits,
09:52he speaks over 30 languages
09:54and is capable of sustaining an erection
09:56for over four hours.
09:57He was just 20 years of age when he died in 1934.
10:03Please welcome Tommy McPherson.
10:18And now we present Dame Victoria Bennett
10:22in Alan Wood's acclaimed prestige dramatic monologue,
10:26Well,
10:27I never did.
10:34Oh well.
10:37Oh yes,
10:37I'll never forget that one.
10:39That was taken before they pulled down the gasworks
10:41and built that Netto superstore.
10:43Oh,
10:44he looks good
10:44and his little one's keynote card,
10:46he does our Alan.
10:47I said at the time,
10:49I said,
10:49Alan,
10:50if you want to get on in the world,
10:51you'd be wise to write down
10:52everything I say
10:53because it's gold is what I say
10:55and don't hog the peak freens, lad.
10:57Pass them round.
10:59Lovely boy he was.
11:01Teeth weren't his strong feature, of course,
11:04and his hair was never what you might call Leslie Howard,
11:06but I always say teeth is teeth,
11:08what does it matter so long as you've got your wealth?
11:11He said,
11:12I can't wait to get out of here, Aunty Ivy,
11:13and make my fortune down south.
11:15I said,
11:16Alan,
11:16I said,
11:16I may not be as cabbage-looking
11:18as my tongue is a fisherman's doily.
11:20What's London got
11:21that you won't find
11:22in the Arndale Centre in Todmorden?
11:24Well,
11:25he was stuck for a reply.
11:27I said,
11:27you want sophistication?
11:29You stick with this,
11:30he'll pay a love.
11:31He knew I was right,
11:32bless him.
11:33I mean,
11:34we've got a body shop in the parade now.
11:36Can't move for Volvos in the autumn months.
11:40But then he's always had his head in the clouds,
11:41as our Alan.
11:42Caught him trying to scour a milk pan
11:45with a tea bag once.
11:47I said,
11:47it's all very well-knowing long words,
11:49but if you can't tell the difference
11:50between a box of Brillo pads
11:51and a packet of Typhoo one cup,
11:53you'll never get on.
11:55I'll go to the back of our fridge.
12:05He did leave, though.
12:07Got a scholarship to Oxford.
12:09I said,
12:09you make sure there's somewhere
12:10as you can buy Kendall mint cake
12:12and a good bar of Wright's coal-tower soap,
12:14because they've no idea down there.
12:16Well,
12:16I mean,
12:17fancy ideas
12:18and tropical mixed croutons
12:19are all very well,
12:20but they don't get the Vinto butter,
12:22do they?
12:22For all your fine Italian red lettuce,
12:24which,
12:24to my mind,
12:25tastes as bitter as a Skipton wind.
12:28He said,
12:29Auntie,
12:30I'll be fine.
12:31Well,
12:31of course,
12:31I didn't know him when he came back.
12:33Green corduroy jacket,
12:35diffel coat,
12:36horn-rimmed spectacles
12:37he could eat parsley out of
12:39and a cake crammed with a don't know what.
12:41And books.
12:42You've never seen so many.
12:43Some of them that dirty.
12:45I blushed at the roots of my playtext.
12:46I said,
12:46those books
12:47have gone straight into the hot point
12:49and no butts.
12:50Lovely,
12:51they did.
12:51Amazing what a bit of Lenore can do,
12:53if you've a mind.
12:55No,
12:56but that Oxford and his smart friends,
12:58they've changed him.
12:59Ideas.
13:00That's what it is.
13:01I said,
13:01what use is ideas
13:03when you've a cape on to baste
13:04and the tellyman's due any minute.
13:06Name an idea,
13:07I said,
13:08that can get the front steps scrubbed,
13:10the sausages pricked
13:11and the navel oranges squeezed
13:12in time for a meat tea
13:13and finger buffet.
13:15Didn't know which way to look.
13:17These Oxford types,
13:19they're all apricot facial scrub
13:21and yesterday's suet turnover.
13:22To look at them,
13:23you'd think a packet of bachelor savoury rice
13:25wouldn't melt in their vosine medicated,
13:26but they've now sat in.
13:28I could take a black and decker nose drill
13:30to the pack of them
13:31and still have change left over
13:32for a bag of peanut brittle.
13:36Left home,
13:37of course,
13:37got involved with the BBC,
13:40old party eggs
13:41and tomato chutney.
13:43Next thing I know,
13:43he's got a dame hood
13:44and a brand new hostess trolley
13:46to show for it.
13:47They'll fall for anything,
13:48them Londoners.
13:50Well,
13:50I'm off down to Morrison's
13:52for a jar of melon lip balm
13:53and a four-pack of inter-uterine devices.
13:55I've got that Pat Routledge
13:57around for elocution lessons at 12.
13:59Ta-ra.
14:01Yeah,
14:01I'll always remember this.
14:02My father's advice to me was
14:04neither a borrower
14:05nor a git bee.
14:09Well,
14:10if people want to be right-wing
14:12and nationalistic
14:13and bigoted,
14:14then they don't go and live in Russia.
14:15That's what I say.
14:17Okay,
14:17so,
14:18you know,
14:19you say get rid of the Queen,
14:20and you say get rid of the Royal Family,
14:22but, I mean,
14:22what are they going to put on the stamps?
14:23Hmm?
14:25David Rynum,
14:26Mike Smith,
14:27you know,
14:28I mean,
14:29I'm going to have to turn Mike Smith over
14:30and give him a licking
14:31every time I want to send a letter.
14:33They don't think these things through,
14:34do they?
14:35Ladies and gentlemen,
14:36a bit of a shadow
14:37has been cast over the show this evening.
14:39My colleague, Hugh,
14:40has received a death threat.
14:42That's right.
14:43It arrived this morning,
14:45and it's addressed to
14:46dear sir or madam,
14:47and it goes like this.
14:50You are a cow's son
14:51bastard-sucking mental.
14:54You die heavily
14:55in wet throat-ripping everywhere.
14:58Don't like the Queen,
14:59this country.
15:00Spelt wrong.
15:02For tear-out lungs
15:03and replace with portable clothes,
15:05brackets,
15:05yes please, brackets,
15:07national service,
15:08who is she?
15:09Stripping scrotum
15:10through eerie,
15:11leery pastures
15:12of deep smell.
15:15Pretty upsetting,
15:16as you can imagine.
15:18I've tried to persuade my colleague
15:19to take this threat seriously,
15:21but he insists on carrying on
15:22as if nothing has happened.
15:23Yeah, well, you see,
15:23I take the view
15:24that if you give in
15:25to these people,
15:25then you've given in.
15:29Yes, but at the very least,
15:30my colleague,
15:31I don't think it's safe
15:32for you to do your song
15:33this evening.
15:33Well, you see,
15:34if I don't do my song,
15:35then he's one,
15:35and democracy might as well
15:37just take an early shower.
15:39Yes, but whoever he is,
15:40this M. Pontillo,
15:43I mean, he might,
15:44you know,
15:45he might be in the audience now.
15:47Armed!
15:48But you see,
15:49someone's got to take a stand.
15:50Look, my colleague,
15:51I think we would all understand
15:52if you didn't do your song.
15:54You know,
15:55this Pontillo could be in the piano
15:56with a mobile rocket launcher,
15:58for all we know.
15:59My colleague,
15:59you must not sing tonight.
16:02What a sweet man.
16:03My colleague,
16:04I appreciate what you're trying to do,
16:05you know,
16:06and I'm really touched by it,
16:07but my face is made up.
16:10For evil,
16:11for evil to flourish,
16:12all that is required
16:13is for good men
16:13to spout clichés.
16:14I'm going on.
16:17Well, ladies,
16:18and in a broader sense,
16:19gentlemen,
16:19as you've heard,
16:20my colleague has bravely decided
16:22to do his song
16:23this evening.
16:24It's 30 pence postage
16:26and package
16:26down the bloody drain,
16:27isn't it?
16:36I don't mind
16:38being lonely.
16:44I don't mind
16:45being poor.
16:50What I mind
16:52is being
16:53misunderstood.
16:57I can't take it
16:58anymore.
17:03You may say
17:05that I'm
17:06a loser.
17:10I won't say
17:11that that ain't true.
17:16But if you say
17:18once more
17:18that I'm a
17:19hoover,
17:23then baby,
17:24I'm going to have
17:25to disagree
17:25with you.
17:30Too many times
17:31I've been called
17:33a garage.
17:36More than once
17:38I've been turned
17:39a hat.
17:43For more than a year
17:45I lived in your pocket
17:46I lived in your pocket
17:49One of you thought
17:50I was the key
17:51to your flag
17:56Now I'm saying
17:57that that's all over
18:02I've got to stand up
18:04for what I am
18:09So from now on
18:11I want you to call me
18:14Just call me
18:16whenever you can
18:40My wife was pulled down
18:42the other day
18:42and rebuilt
18:43just north of Leicester.
18:46Road widening scheme?
18:47Road widening scheme?
18:49I said
18:49I said
18:50country narrowing scheme
18:52more like
18:54Country narrowing scheme
18:55Think about it
18:56yeah?
19:02Blimey
19:04Well
19:05bit of a surprise
19:06piece of news here
19:06We don't normally
19:07do news stories
19:08but this one does
19:09seem fairly major
19:10It'd be silly
19:10to ignore it
19:11According to
19:12a writer's news flash
19:13the British government
19:15has apparently
19:16just been bought
19:17by Honda
19:20Honda
19:20He'll work through
19:21in the early hours
19:21of this morning
19:21According to Reuters
19:23Honda fought off
19:24rival bids
19:25from Unilever
19:26and the John Lewis group
19:29and is believed
19:30to have paid
19:30upwards of 400 million
19:32for the troubled
19:33democracy giant
19:34I think
19:35I think we can go over
19:36we've got some
19:37yes that's right
19:38that's
19:39that's Nigel
19:40Pardeter there
19:41no relation
19:42Deputy Director
19:43of the Board of Trade
19:44I think he's about to
19:44that this was a fair price
19:46and that the British
19:47taxpayer has got
19:48a good deal
19:49here
19:49Honda have
19:50if you'll just
19:51let me finish
19:52Honda have given us
19:53satisfactory undertakings
19:55to the effect
19:55that they will make
19:56no massive changes
19:57to the structure
19:58of government
19:58for at least
19:59six months
20:00and that their only
20:01real social alterations
20:02involve converting
20:03Wales into a
20:04seven million
20:05whole golf course
20:05and the replacement
20:06of all houses
20:07and flats
20:08in Great Britain
20:08with Perspex Living
20:09have you tried
20:10yes I have tried
20:11one of the pods myself
20:13and believe me
20:13they are extremely
20:14what about unemployment
20:15oh what about unemployment
20:17people are obsessed
20:19aren't you
20:19every time
20:20a new idea
20:21comes along
20:22some change
20:23which might do
20:23this country
20:24a bit of good
20:25it's always
20:25what about unemployment
20:27change the
20:28leading record
20:29yes there will be
20:31some unemployment
20:33Honda have pointed out
20:34for example
20:34that we do not
20:35perhaps necessarily need
20:36up to 625
20:38members of parliament
20:39in the house of commons
20:40they are investing
20:40in a new
20:41laser operated
20:42governing system
20:43so this country
20:44will hyper elected
20:44oh just rejoice
20:46can't you
20:47this is good news
20:48for Britain
20:49this is a vote
20:50of confidence
20:51in our country
20:51it just proves
20:52what this government
20:53has maintained
20:54all along
20:54that we are
20:55an attractive proposition
20:55for our customers
20:57this is a good deal
20:58for Britain
20:58a good deal
20:59a good deal
21:01this is a good deal
21:03for Britain
21:03this is a good deal
21:05this is good
21:06g-o-o-o-d
21:08d-e-a-l
21:09for Britain
21:10this is a good deal
21:11good deal
21:12for Britain
21:12this is a good deal
21:14good deal
21:16yes well I think
21:17I ought to say
21:18at this point
21:18that that was all
21:19made up
21:21Honda haven't really
21:22bought the British
21:22government
21:22it's a completely
21:24silly idea
21:26oh is it
21:31yes I suppose
21:32in many ways
21:35people might
21:36consider us
21:36lucky
21:39you know
21:39they think we have
21:40rather a privileged
21:41lifestyle here
21:42but you see
21:43actually
21:43Hartington Castle
21:44isn't mine
21:46doesn't belong to me
21:47yes it does
21:48yes it does
21:49I mean it does
21:51it does belong to me
21:52in that sense
21:53yes I own it
21:53but actually
21:55I prefer to think
21:55that I've borrowed it
21:56who from
21:57from my children
21:59that's rather lovely
22:00you see really
22:02it's just a trust
22:03it's a sacred trust
22:06I'm just a bloody
22:07caretaker really
22:08just a bloody
22:09old caretaker
22:10well you see
22:11that's that's the
22:12challenge isn't it
22:13you see
22:13one's descendants
22:16see the way
22:17I look at it
22:17is if my ancestors
22:19my bloody old
22:20ancestors
22:20mostly a load of
22:21old crooks
22:22if the truth be told
22:22if they could
22:23you know
22:24keep this thing
22:25going
22:25then it's the
22:26least
22:26the least
22:28I can
22:28now this is
22:30this is what I was
22:31going to show you
22:31this is very
22:32interesting
22:32this bed I think
22:34was laid out by
22:35I think it was
22:36the third duke
22:37these things were
22:38very much the thing
22:38then of course
22:41now what he
22:42discovered was
22:43that this was all
22:44the wrong kind
22:44of soil
22:45apparently
22:46so what he did
22:47well you see
22:47they thought big
22:48in those days
22:50was that he
22:51he transported
22:52400 weight
22:54of the right
22:54type of soil
22:55from all the
22:56way
22:56and got a lot
22:59of locals in
23:00to do it
23:00the whole village
23:01turned up
23:01and he stood
23:02them inside
23:02her and badger
23:03cakes after
23:03them
23:04but you see
23:05they had vision
23:05in those days
23:06if I tried to
23:06do something
23:07like that
23:07now
23:07well they'd
23:08probably call
23:08me crackers
23:08and have me
23:09locked up
23:10and sewing
23:11potatoes
23:11as soon as
23:12look at me
23:13but it's
23:13rather fun
23:14rather fun
23:16well yes
23:16a certain amount
23:17of pressure
23:19in the matter
23:19of children
23:20obviously
23:20I've got to
23:21provide an air
23:22to take over
23:22this lot
23:23when I'm dead
23:24and gone
23:24and buried
23:26and no longer
23:28alive
23:29Mary does
23:30most of the
23:31work there
23:31actually
23:32it's something
23:33of a tradition
23:34in our family
23:35that the wife
23:36actually carries
23:37the child
23:37in her stomach
23:38before it's
23:38born
23:39I don't know
23:40we look after
23:41that sort of
23:41things
23:41and I'm
23:42so wonderful
23:42she is at it
23:43too
23:44can't stand
23:45most of the
23:45children
23:46in fact
23:46great ugly
23:47things
23:48take up
23:49an enormous
23:49amount of
23:49room
23:50and cost
23:50the devil
23:51an amount
23:51to heat
23:52and keep
23:53free from
23:54damp
23:55but you know
23:56it's all part
23:57of the job
23:58I don't get a
23:59grant for it
24:00or anything
24:02I call it
24:03the job
24:06most people
24:06probably imagine
24:07being a duke
24:08as just one
24:08long round of
24:10parties and
24:10fate openings
24:11and so on
24:11to me it is
24:12just a job
24:13like any other
24:14you know
24:14like everyone
24:14else
24:15I have to
24:15get up
24:16at ten
24:16I have to
24:17put on my
24:17own clothes
24:18as they've
24:19been laid
24:19out
24:20I come down
24:21to breakfast
24:21just like
24:22any person
24:22would
24:22Peter Ferris
24:23has died
24:23oh good
24:24and then I might
24:25talk to the
24:26state manager
24:27about the farms
24:27discuss the
24:28state of the
24:29cupboards
24:29with my
24:29gamekeepers
24:30and Mary and I
24:30will run over
24:32the events
24:32of the day
24:33who's coming
24:34to dinner
24:34what menus
24:35we should arrange
24:35with kitchens
24:36and so on
24:36it's really no
24:37different from being
24:37a coal welder
24:39or floor walker
24:40at your local
24:41Asda
24:41of course
24:42we absolutely
24:42must do something
24:43about the Mayday
24:44claimings
24:44oh does that
24:45come round again
24:46one rather charming
24:47custom around here
24:50in the local
24:52neighbourhood
24:52that surrounds
24:53the immediate
24:55environs of this
24:56nearby area
24:57locally in this
24:58vicinity
24:58is the Mayday
25:00claimings
25:01so called
25:03Mary and I
25:04feel a great
25:04responsibility
25:04to keep up
25:06with these
25:07local customs
25:08otherwise one
25:09can so easily
25:10lose time
25:10that's right
25:11when I married
25:12Charles
25:12he warned me
25:14that what he
25:14calls his job
25:16does entail
25:16a great deal
25:17of public duty
25:18and responsibility
25:19and I was
25:19always very keen
25:20to share that
25:20with him
25:20yes the idea
25:22of the table
25:22is that I
25:24have to choose
25:25a young girl
25:26to lead the
25:28Mayday procession
25:29through the village
25:30she must be
25:31no older than
25:3116
25:3216 that's right
25:33and no younger
25:34than 14
25:36and she's
25:37queen of the
25:37May for the
25:38day
25:38I have to
25:38crown her
25:39and then
25:40after the
25:41maypole dancing
25:42and all that
25:42sort of palaver
25:43I have to
25:43take her off
25:44to the dungeons
25:45in the old
25:45part of the
25:46castle
25:46and privately
25:47violate her
25:49yes we
25:50always have
25:51great fun
25:51choosing the
25:53girls for
25:54the claimings
25:54it's high
25:56space
25:56it's one of
25:56those silly
25:57English customs
25:58whose origins
25:59are lost
25:59in the
26:00mists of
26:01which we get
26:02rather a lot
26:02round here
26:03but it would
26:04be a shame
26:04to lose
26:04contact
26:05with history
26:05that's right
26:06it derives
26:07I think
26:09from some
26:09time in
26:10the 70s
26:11when my
26:11father
26:12thought
26:12that
26:13violating
26:13a young
26:14girl from
26:15the village
26:15would be
26:15rather a good
26:16idea
26:17some people
26:17think it goes
26:18as far back
26:18as 1968
26:1968
26:19yeah
26:21but it's
26:22all great
26:23fun though
26:23and although
26:24I usually
26:25dread it
26:25when it's
26:26upcoming
26:27I always
26:28throw myself
26:28in the
26:28spirit of
26:29the thing
26:29and usually
26:29end up
26:30having a
26:30damn
26:30good
26:30time
26:38well
26:39my
26:39colleague
26:421740
26:43seconds
26:43have elapsed
26:44since first
26:44we welcomed
26:45the viewing
26:46several
26:46into our
26:47lives
26:47for another
26:48evening
26:48of
26:48entertainment
26:49and hatred
26:50my colleague
26:50you've opened
26:51your mouth
26:51and the great
26:52truth has come
26:53out
26:53I'll save
26:54you embarrassment
26:54by pretending
26:55you never said
26:56that or anything
26:56like it
26:57he's firm
26:58but he's fair
26:59the great
27:00sandwich of
27:01broadcasting
27:01we at
27:02a bit of
27:03frying lorry
27:03are perhaps
27:03but a thin
27:04slice of
27:05turkey breast
27:05we nourish
27:06but we don't
27:07cause wind
27:09I could have
27:10put it better
27:11myself
27:12what's more
27:12he could do
27:12he could
27:13so now
27:14my colleague
27:14we have to
27:15sweep up
27:15the broken
27:16shards
27:16and decaying
27:17lumps of the
27:18evening
27:18gather them
27:19into an old
27:19towel
27:20and heave them
27:21over the side
27:21fair breaks
27:22your heart
27:22doesn't it
27:23I turn to
27:23you now
27:24my colleague
27:24and I ask
27:25you to gaze
27:25down at
27:26the drinks menu
27:26and fix us
27:27a debonair cocktail
27:28selection
27:29oh well
27:30now this is
27:30a difficult choice
27:32choose carefully
27:33my colleague
27:34one choice
27:35brings certain
27:36death
27:36the other
27:37freedom
27:39well now
27:41you'd expect me
27:42to choose
27:42the silver
27:42prostate
27:43but then
27:44you'd know
27:44that
27:44I'd know
27:45that you'd
27:45expect that
27:46so really
27:47I should
27:47choose the
27:47boiling idiot
27:48but the
27:48boiling idiot
27:49has got
27:49campari
27:50in it
27:50and he
27:50knows
27:50that I
27:51hate
27:51campari
27:51so
27:52so
27:53so
27:53it'll be
27:54the silver
27:54prostate
27:54ha
27:55you've chosen
27:56wisely
27:57little one
27:58Yoda
27:58has taught
27:59you
27:59well
28:01the silver
28:02prostate
28:02does indeed
28:03bring freedom
28:04now to prepare
28:05a silver
28:05prostate
28:06at home
28:06you will need
28:07seven of the
28:07following
28:08a cocktail
28:09shaker
28:09a cocktail
28:10shaker
28:10shaker
28:11that's me
28:11a helping
28:12of
28:13liqueur
28:13strega
28:14an assistance
28:15of
28:16parfait
28:16amour
28:16lovely
28:17purple
28:18violet
28:18liqueur
28:19a tit
28:20of
28:20maker's
28:20mark
28:21bourbon
28:21a rash
28:23of
28:23bailey's
28:24irish
28:24cream
28:24to throw
28:25away
28:26square
28:27lumps
28:28of
28:28frozen
28:28water
28:29sculpted
28:30into
28:30the shape
28:30of
28:30ice cubes
28:31and a
28:33farewell
28:33from
28:34newsreader
28:35Andrew
28:35Harvey
28:35digitally
28:36recorded
28:37off air
28:37and that's
28:38the national
28:39and international
28:39news
28:40tonight
28:42while I mix
28:43these together
28:44I turn
28:44to the
28:45debonard
28:45doion
28:46of the
28:46dance
28:46and I
28:47ask
28:47as
28:48askingly
28:48as I
28:48might
28:49this
28:49ask
28:50please
28:51Mr.
28:51Music
28:51will
28:52you
28:52play
29:41soupy
29:43twist
29:43aplausos
29:51aplausos