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00:00Hello, I'm Oprah Winfrey, and I'd like you to meet someone.
00:05Please say hello to Luella de la Tuy.
00:09Hi.
00:11Tell us about yourself.
00:12Well, my name is Luella. I'm 37 years of age.
00:17I'm beautiful. I'm intelligent. I'm glamorous. I'm attractive.
00:21I'm warm. I'm sensitive. I'm caring.
00:24I'm rich. I'm sexy.
00:28I'm incredibly talented.
00:30So, what exactly is your problem, Luella?
00:33I suffer from low self-esteem.
00:38That's an absolute bugger, isn't it?
00:40And how does that manifest itself?
00:42Well, I used to love myself. I used to think that I was great.
00:45Oh, don't tell me you stopped thinking you were great. That would be heartbreaking.
00:49Well, I stopped talking to myself. I stopped seeing myself for what I really am.
00:54I guess I started to take myself for granted.
00:56Let's have a pointless round of applause there, can we?
01:04So, thank you. All right.
01:07So, Luella, what did you do next?
01:11Well, I confronted myself.
01:12You know, I waited until I got home one day, and I confronted myself.
01:17I said, hey, lady, what are you doing?
01:19You know?
01:20How unbearably tense.
01:22And how did you respond?
01:24Well, you know, I started to shift around and started blaming all kinds of other things.
01:28But in the end, you know, I had to admit that, yes, I was sleeping with someone else.
01:34I don't think I've ever been more emotionally knotted up than I am at the moment.
01:37Um, ask a question.
01:40Oh, I'd just like to ask Luella where she gets her strength from.
01:44Uh, Luella, lady here wants to know where the mascarad arse you get your strength from.
01:49Well, now, can I answer that with a question?
01:52Can she?
01:52Oh, I'd like that.
01:53She'd like that.
01:54Right, well, I want you to do something for me.
01:56I want you to stand in front of a mirror, okay?
01:59Take all your clothes off.
02:01Oh, no!
02:01No, hey, look, I'm serious.
02:03It's what I did.
02:04You know, I stood naked in front of a mirror, and I looked at myself, and I said, I love
02:09me.
02:10I love me for what I am.
02:11I love my whining aggression.
02:13You know, I love my hideous, suffocating self-pity.
02:16I love the fact that I'm a neurotic, and that I demand the world's respect without having to do a
02:20single thing to earn it.
02:21I'm me.
02:21I'm special.
02:22I'm crazy about the way I am.
02:23Now, will you do that for me?
02:24I surely will.
02:26Right, well, I think we'd better take a vomit break now, but don't go away.
02:35Between desire and reality.
02:38A bit.
02:40Between fact and breakfast.
02:44Madness lies, lies, lies.
02:49A bit.
02:50I hate you, I hate you, and yet.
02:53I hate you.
02:55I hate you.
02:56Love, rage, and aches of the ear.
03:07Pretension by Fry and Laurie.
03:14um ladies and gentlemen a broad wet kiss of a welcome with tongues obviously to this edition
03:21of a bit of frying lorry right over the next 30 minutes or so we'd like you to make yourself
03:26at
03:26home if you are at home that is if you're in a hotel make yourself in a hotel my colleague
03:35you
03:35have a way with words that reminds me of reminds me of my old geography teacher after he'd had a
03:40couple couple of what very serious car accident but the substance of his speech is right in there
03:47kicking ass and cutting mustard and that is be comfortable comfortable exactly in fact i believe
03:52my colleague you've actually written a song called be comfortable indeed i have very interesting well
03:56now we move on to that part of the show where we introduce what used to be called guests and
04:04are
04:04now called hospitality customers onto the show and first out of the linen press is a man well
04:09he's man of big enough word he's got two ears two eyes two legs and one bottom certainly but
04:15there the resemblance to ordinary mortals ends he's the friend of stars and the star of friends lord
04:21owen described his contribution to the peace process in bosnia as meaningless and insulting
04:25his children call him daddy his wife calls him regularly the underpants that he wears today
04:31you will wear tomorrow his light shines in the darkness whenever he leaves it on ladies and
04:37gentlemen will you please receive in complete and utter contempt and silence actor long jumper high
04:44jumper bungee jumper woolly jumper q jumper and anything in skirts jumper mr stephen moore
05:03stephen lovely to have you on the show thank you i mentioned uh your bottom uh earlier on in my
05:09introduction uh and that's because it's uh particularly close to your heart i believe
05:13what you're saying you're saying i'm short yes no no no no no no what my colleague is saying is
05:23that you have something that you'd like to tell us about bottoms
05:25yes well yes stephen that's right you see when i was a younger man no no no no i'm hugh
05:31that's that's that's that's that's steven steven hugh
05:34oh yeah right yes uh yeah i don't watch your stuff you see so
05:41right well i think we ought to uh just move as swiftly on as we can my colleague right well
05:45next into the hot seat
05:49i don't know why i call it that really it's actually quite a pleasantly cool seat
05:52uh so next into the quite pleasantly cool seat is a small but serviceable fishing smack but is small but
05:58serviceable fishing smack really the right description
05:59no i don't think it is um i think woman is better a woman whose photograph you've no doubt licked
06:05at one time or another
06:06uh she drives a hard bargain and a fiat tipo she breaks wind like an angel and eats macaroni like
06:12a bloody warthog
06:15her remarkable lino cuts have disfigured her kitchen floor and her hairstyle was believed by many to be the inspiration
06:22behind margaret thatcher's final descent into madness
06:25so will you please now make the traditional maweli gesture of welcome for philida law
06:45so philida hi hello
06:49you've changed no i meant you've changed your dress
06:58it didn't really work did it no no no well anyway uh three more civil wars have broken out in
07:04europe
07:05while we've been sitting here aghassing so before the whole world bursts into flames
07:09there's just time for me to ask you to hand round the contoured butt plugs
07:12and um simon would you be uh simon would you be kind enough to slam your head in a fire
07:18door
07:19the name's steven
07:20i almost care
07:23time now to release the handbrake and slip gently but with gathering speed down into the green dell what we
07:29call the valley of sketches
07:30see you there in a moment
07:36michael you must be very thrilled with that result take us through the race
07:38yes well i was uh not very happy with the car
07:43and we had a lot of problems and uh the car was uh not so good i think that you
07:49know
07:49yes but but you won uh it's a great result for you you must be very happy
07:52well we had a lot of problems with the car and uh i was not so so happy it was
07:58very hard
07:58yes but you won
08:01yes but you won i won yes but there were many many problems and it was very hard and difficult
08:06and uh i was not happy at all with the car
08:09uh yeah yes but you did actually win can i get that straight you actually won the race
08:14with a lot of problems yes it was very hard
08:18yeah well just leaving aside for the moment how hard it was
08:20are you happy to have won the race
08:23well it was very difficult
08:25yes well presumably that's why you get paid half a million pounds per race
08:29and get as much sex as you can eat
08:31i just need to know if this makes you happy having won the race
08:34delighted enchante over the frigging moon
08:39well we had a lot of problems
08:40are you happy
08:43that's very difficult
08:44are you happy
08:50are you asking well happy you dismal moaning french twat
08:59you do a job that half of mankind would kill to be able to do and you can have sex
09:04with the other half as often as you like i just need to know if this makes you happy
09:12we had a lot of problems
09:19see this made in england
09:22and this made in england
09:26and if you please
09:31this made in england
09:33and all
09:34sir dickie putnam et al can do is whinge on about the death of the british film industry
09:40she was mad
09:42she was mad she was paranoid
09:45she was megalomaniac she was deluded
09:47but somehow you know
09:49when she was in charge
09:51blue peter what was blue peter
09:54when the news of john major's election came through
09:58i was in the kitchen glazing my buns
10:02and michael my husband
10:04came through and we broke open a bottle of champagne and uh
10:08and tried to cut our throats with it
10:11that home secretary is
10:18he's a twit isn't he
10:21you are councillor kenneth wade
10:23i am
10:24i hope you're aware councillor wade that this is an informal hearing
10:28yes most certainly i'd just like to say out the outset that i have done absolutely nothing of
10:32which i'm ashamed that i stand by my record in local government having said that i'm perfectly
10:36prepared to cooperate fully with this inquiry
10:38and also such questions as you may see fit to put
10:40you were elected to the grangeley city council mr wade on a ticket of um let me see
10:45on a ticket of providing value for money for our charge paying customers
10:49and for injecting new standards of decency honor and family values into the community
10:54fine words no doubt mr wade
10:56you were i believe in charge of the contracting out of the council's cleaning department
11:01cleansing department we say cleansing not cleaning
11:05why because it annoys people i suppose and the company you chose was called wade cleaning
11:12services cleansing wade cleansing slogan we know the menzing of cleansing
11:19wade cleansing is wholly owned and run by your wife yes the matter was fully investigated by an
11:26independent inquiry at the time yes wade independent tribunals limited
11:31certainly the old publicly run inquiry services were expensive and inefficient we contracted out to
11:36wade independent tribunals limited who offered a competitive hard-hitting and business-oriented
11:40independent tribunal and inquiry service which is wholly owned and run by your son jeffrey
11:45as it happens yes who's five months old five and a half months old jeffrey put together a
11:53most attractive bid i was proud of the lab jeffrey's mother however is not your wife but
11:59your secretary miss valerie jeffcott yes the sexual service that my wife was offering was inefficient
12:06old-fashioned cumbersome and especially after the birth of our first children over stretched and
12:12uh with a tendency to too much waste i decided to contract out my sexual requirements and uh
12:17put them out for competitive tender in the marketplace my secretary valerie offered a sexual
12:22service that was faster tighter certainly more efficient streamlined and slimmed down than my wife's
12:29i thought you stood for family values and clean living cleanse living
12:33in your electoral literature for instance you promised to come down hard on homosexuals
12:38since i've been in office i've spent a great deal of money and energy coming down very hard indeed on
12:46homosexuals yes to return to financial matters mr wade do you think it is appropriate that in these
12:51very lean times in these very lens times whatever the point is you have been accused of making a lot
13:00of money from being a counsellor oh yes there we have it don't we there we have it accused suddenly
13:05it's a crime to make money this isn't that you have to deal with every day nowadays well i'm sorry
13:09when i grew up profit was not a dirty word arse was a dirty word scrotum and titty were pretty
13:17dirty words too but profit wasn't and i have to tell you that i'm not ashamed of graft of sheer
13:22bloody hard
13:23graft or is graft a dirty word as well now like body and helmet i think we've heard more than
13:30enough
13:30councillor this may be an informal hearing but frankly i uh i think we're all agreed yeah yes no
13:38questions it's all good kenneth wade your name will now go forward as that of our officially adopted
13:45parliamentary candidate for the grange lake constituency congratulations ken oh thank you
13:51thank you long live britain god save the queens the stuff i deal with is mostly small stuff you know
14:01car stereos that kind of thing well i'll get you something bigger if you wanted
14:08if history has taught us one thing it has taught us that the battle of agincourt was in 1415.
14:15you know these these uh these they just come over here and sponge don't they you know these queers
14:20these these sponging queers come over here and sign on the dole
14:26what is that black people
14:29get so confused sometimes i was hit on the head as a child you see
14:36weight has been a perennial problem with me um i've tried all the diets i i tried the hip and
14:42thigh diet
14:43and that was it didn't work for me at all because i've always hated the taste of thighs
14:47even when well done yeah phone sex is good i like that phone sex at least you never have to
14:53ring him
14:53the next day it's red it's shiny it's instantly desirable and it's remarkably cheap only one drawback
15:00it doesn't yet exist we wondered why not douglas hurd has been foreign secretary now for a record five
15:06years if anyone knows it'll be gordon wade of market soundings plc gordon it's red it's shiny
15:11everyone wants one it needn't cost a fortune and it isn't tested on animals but it doesn't exist
15:15what's going on i don't know i'm sorry uh it should exist i know that all i can say is
15:19that we are
15:20working on it have you set a lot of name for it yet uh not as of yet although the
15:23project does have
15:24a working title i think it's just time to ask you what is it uh the name at the moment
15:27is mark bannister
15:28mark bannister price about three pounds fifty we hope but it could go as high as 90 000
15:32pounds rather depends on what it does you see and how much it costs to make it uh but these
15:35of course
15:35just i see i see the basic message so far is that you are going ahead we might expect to
15:39see mark
15:39bannisters in our shops pretty soon fair answer my colleague it's over to you
15:47well as you can see that is quite a total thanks so much let's see if we can't get it
15:52over five
15:53million in our telephone quiz line quiz steven off you go thanks david
16:00who was the first man to run the four minute mile was it a the battle of cressy
16:08b moonraker or c the athlete and fast record-breaking fast miler sir roger four minute bannister the
16:17famous runner if you think you know the answer you could qualify for being one of the people who got
16:22the answer right uh all your calls will be charged at 400 pounds a second and do remember that uh
16:28all
16:29the money the moment you call goes directly to british telecom that's right bt uses only recorded
16:34voices and employs no operators or staff so there's no wasteful expenditure on salaries and employment
16:40the money goes directly where it's needed to men like philip philip is on the board of british telecom
16:48for which he receives just 84 000 pounds a year to pay for philip's three homes his six cars his
16:55yacht
16:55and his helicopter with ensuite cocaine habit philip desperately relies on the yearly dividend payout
17:01from his british telecom shares last year your calls to our quiz lines were kind enough to give philip
17:07nearly 400 000 pounds in dividends but this year philip needs even more
17:13so do call and if you don't call do call but do call and if you don't do please call
17:20but do call
17:20even if you don't it doesn't matter if you don't know the answer just call call call anybody about
17:25anything just call for philip's sake call
17:31um well what's that one with that poor man who looks like an elephant what's his name oh you know
17:37uh colin welland yeah those dickheads in the council they got this noise pollution squad
17:45i rang them up to complain about my neighbor who plays music when he calls it music all night
17:49three o'clock in the morning they find me 50 quid for shouting down the phone
17:55well i think it's funny it's the way they say watershed you know they say things like you can't say
18:00tit
18:01till after the nine o'clock watershed well who keeps water in a shed and what's that got in the
18:07kids
18:16what you got in there i'm sorry what you got in there i wonder uh a cat you've got a
18:24mug in there
18:24have you got a kitty puss lovely this is clover my daxy i've always had daxies i like smooth coated
18:33daxies
18:33best really is that right so what sort of mogwog is your kissy puss hmm is it um uh tables
18:42or a tom tom or
18:43what burmese ah burmy i love a burmy is it a girl or a boy burmy oh christ uh it's
18:52um it's male
18:54hello mr burmy what's your name then yes you can't speak actually
19:01ah but they can understand every word you say can't they not much evidence for that my first daxy
19:07my first ever daxy was called scully i named him after hugh scully who presents the antiques roadshow
19:14i love that program don't you pervertedly do you know what i do over sunday every day after we've
19:23had our walk because clover and i always go walk-ins of a sunday well you know just clover and
19:28me and
19:28of course my little pooper scooper because that nasty parky man doesn't like to see poochie poop on
19:33his best grass does he no so oh christ and of course i don't like to see poochie poop on
19:40my best carpet and
19:41if i do clover knows she can expect a visit from the smack fairy
19:47so we come back and i make myself a cheese and tomito toasty
20:01tomato tomato tomato don't say it again
20:08i make myself a cheese and tomito toasty sometimes two toasties and an old muggles of tea and i just
20:16snudge it down in front of the television and i watch the roadshow i love my sunday afternoonies
20:21jesus god help and of course if it isn't the roadshow it might be that animal program with desmond
20:28desmond morris ah yes but we call him desmond in our household because he's like a friend he's like
20:33an old chum is desmond or we might watch masterchef with lloydy or the closes show with jeff banksy wanksy
20:41we love our sunday afters don't we clover so what's wrong with mr burmy what mr burmy why is he
20:51coming to see vetty lou has he got a poorly tums did you just say betty lou sore throaty what's
21:01the
21:02matter with mr burmy i brought him in to be killed excusey he's got cancer of the liver i brought
21:14him
21:14in to be put to death cancer yes cancer of the liver yes can see wancy oh you've got can
21:27see diddlies
21:28then you're going to be put to death is are you is your little heart going to be made to
21:34stopy what
21:34what are they going to go killy chum chums are they going to put your coldy worldy body
21:40wad in the groundy wound are they hey clover yeah what can i do for you i'd like to have
21:49this man put
21:55down please you low corrosive lump of fecal horror you maniac bastardly turd i would rather drink stale
22:03urine from norman fowler's arse pit than remain one moment more in your defiling company your filth
22:09your cack you're the ooze of a burst boil i abominate you you towering mound of corrupted slime
22:15your every utterance is like the slithering hiss of a fat maggot in the putrid guts of a decomposing rat
22:20your face is fouler than the unwiped inner ring of satan's rectum have a cream slice
22:35blimey they've been up there long enough oh good what well if they hadn't been up there long
22:40enough they'd have to go up there again still going up twice all those stairs are you drunk
22:47oh thanks very much lovely cup of tea very nice piece of shortbread too well well yes now as you
22:54suggested there is evidence of your having wasps up in your attic wasps wasps evidence he said evidence
23:00of wasps in the attic what sort of evidence uh shall i go ahead yeah well the evidence breaks down
23:06neatly
23:06into three parts uh firstly there are two wasps nests up there secondly there are a lot of wasps up
23:14there and thirdly my associate swears and i've never known him be wrong yet swears he heard some buzzing
23:20i think not loud but loud enough i see so what are we to do uh will you uh well
23:27we can play this any
23:28number of ways we can uh we can pretend it never happened simply walk away just go home uh have
23:33a nice
23:34hot meal watch a bit of television go to bed get up in the morning brush our teeth come down
23:37have
23:38breakfast yeah i think i think i'm just painting the picture fair enough right that's option one
23:41option two is we can get rid of them oh i think we should get rid of them don't you
23:45oh yeah get rid
23:47of them the wasps the wasps the wasps the wasps option two yeah right well i shouldn't point out the
23:53option two does carry with it a portion of risk you see wasps we know wasps are tricky things
23:59oh boy ain't that the truth you know what a wasp isn't a thing you can just get rid of
24:04there you
24:05spoke a mouthful yeah you know you can't just wave a magic wand over a wasp and hope that it'll
24:09just go away how much easier our lives will be if you could you know what you're going to do
24:12is you've
24:13got to get inside the wasps mind learn what what makes him happy what makes him sad what are his
24:19wants what are his fears learn to think how a wasp thinks and how do wasps think oh i don't
24:24suppose
24:24we'll ever really know the answer to that we can guess oh we could guess yeah but understand them
24:30really understand a wasp not in our lifetime you know we're just poking around in the dark to be
24:34honestly in the wind we don't even know how little we know but you can get rid of them oh
24:40yeah that's
24:41no problem yeah yeah if that's what you want that's what you want yeah if you want to just turn
24:45away
24:45and carry on with your cozy comfortable lives cut off one more link with the natural world nail up the
24:51gate into the secret garden watch another star wink its final wink and fade into the inky blackness
24:57what do you reckon oh they can't do any harm can they they can sting you oh they will sting
25:03you
25:03all right then leave them be you sure if you are oh i'm sure the 87 pound 50 please
25:15our associate i do believe we have done a beautiful thing here i do believe we have
25:20and it's got nothing to do with wasps
25:35well welcome to the back end of the pantomime camel that has been tonight's edition of a bit of frown
25:41lorry little hand is already pointing at good and the big hand will soon be pointing at bye
25:47and we know what that means don't we q what one more squeak out of you i'm going to tear
25:52your guts
25:52out and stamp on your colon i do ask for it sometimes but there is just enough time you'll
25:59be horrified to know for me to turn to our oh so welcome hospitality customers and to ask them to
26:05gaze down at the cocktail menu and tell me what is and will be their choice of farewell cocktail
26:10hmm well yeah no but have you seen that one uh do please let us know mr music and i
26:17are very much
26:18on the edge of our tempers isn't that right that's as right as you know and then just a little
26:22bit
26:22righter than that so can we have your votes zurich please i uh i think we'd like to go for
26:27the swinging
26:27ball sack please you have chosen the swinging ball sack well for a properly prepared swinging ball sack
26:36you'll need four shots of tequila an item of gin one shot of pure grain heroin cut lengthways
26:47two measures of self-raising sugar and one of carbonated some freshly milled tungsten
26:54and to garnish six nipple hairs plucked from a cabinet minister it doesn't matter which but in this
27:02instance i'm using virginia bottomless and as i prepare your swinging ball sacks i ask this question
27:09in accordance with known principles please mr music will you play
27:39um
27:43uh
27:43uh
27:43uh
27:44uh
27:44uh