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00:17If this were really happening, what would you think?
00:21Perhaps you wouldn't be that surprised.
00:23Increasingly, it seems, the bone around our brains is not the skull, but the pelvis.
00:32Just look at any of today's papers.
00:34Very sexy Beams Clark after urinating on London from a helicopter.
00:38Cook dragged from serpentine with swan stuffed in anus.
00:42Bono offers sex to anyone from the former Yugoslavia.
00:45That's the U2 lead singer Bono Vox.
00:48And even the local press, the Portsmouth Gerald, again, no arrest for man dressed as glands.
00:53We are permissive yet confused.
00:55It's quite acceptable for Peter Sissons to receive oral sex during disaster reports on the 9 o'clock news.
01:02And yet on the Isle of Man, nudity is still considered so shocking, it's illegal for babies to be born
01:08naked.
01:11Is a baby born today, a baby born into a world in sex crisis?
01:56Sex. Sex is a sumptuous glam babe in a hall of donkeys
02:00or a sordid little incubus that looks like your granny.
02:03It's a strong feelings kidney, whichever way you slice it.
02:05Now, where's Sophie Valve?
02:07There she is. Sophie's got a dreadful story.
02:09She lost both her parents. They were killed on a picnic.
02:12Can you tell us what happened?
02:14Um, a frozen dog fell from a plane and killed them while they were making sex.
02:21Were they dead when you saw them?
02:23Alive.
02:24Now come off it. You twit.
02:26They'd be dead, completely smashed up like tongues under a hammer.
02:31Do you think this will give you psychosexual problems in later life?
02:34Must have messed up your brain.
02:38And I'm afraid we will have to see that little girl being upset
02:41in a rather more sustained way later on in tonight's deeply disturbing broad grammar.
02:52Let me put it this way.
02:53It's not likely to happen, but just say, I attacked you now, right?
02:57Would you beat me off?
02:58Yes, but no more than that.
03:00God, well, how long would you beat me off for?
03:02As long as it took.
03:03Really? All the way?
03:04Yeah, as long as it took.
03:05And would you beat me off even if people were looking?
03:08Well, I would hope that they would join in and help me.
03:11Right.
03:11So would I.
03:12That's what I would want to start to see.
03:12But what if somebody else came in through the door and started attacking you as well?
03:15Would you beat us both off?
03:17I don't know if it's hard to work, but I'd have a go.
03:19And if you get to the point where a whole room full of men is attacking you,
03:22you would try and beat them all off.
03:24I'd have to somehow.
03:25And in that case, I'm not quite sure how.
03:27I think I'd be more likely to run like hell.
03:29But if you're in a corner, you would beat them off?
03:31I'd have to, of course.
03:32Yes, okay.
03:33And who'd pay for the dry cleaning afterwards?
03:35Oh, paying's the least of it.
03:47Why?
03:48Hey, who says AIDS guys are too puny to do tough stuff?
03:51This guy's got AIDS, and he's about to beat me in an arm wrestling.
03:55Oh, well done.
03:56Oh, gosh.
03:58Well done, yeah.
03:59Yeah.
04:00Now, a friend was unlucky enough to catch his virus from a blood transfusion.
04:04Oh, sorry.
04:05No, I'm sorry.
04:05I caught it from my boyfriend.
04:07Your boyfriend?
04:08My partner, yeah.
04:09So you've got bad AIDS, not good AIDS.
04:11You've got bad AIDS.
04:12Well, you caught it through your own fault.
04:14It's a drug abuse or a...
04:15Just a minute.
04:16Just a minute.
04:16Just a minute.
04:17Well, good AIDS is something innocent.
04:19This is what this ribbon's about.
04:20I support somebody who's caught good AIDS because they caught the virus through no fault of their own.
04:25Exactly.
04:26So what have you done with the big gay plague?
04:29What have you done to stop people catching it?
04:31Well, personally, I've used condoms.
04:34No.
04:34I mean, here and now, like everyone else in this audience, I'm thinking, what about us?
04:39What about me now?
04:39What have you done to stop us catching it?
04:42What if a madman broke in here with a machine gun and shot you to pieces?
04:46Anyone here yawning would get your blood in their mouth.
04:49What if a madman broke in here with a machine gun and shot you to pieces?
04:50Ridiculous.
04:51You shouldn't have come in.
04:52You've got bad AIDS.
04:53You shouldn't have come in.
04:54Right?
04:55Can we have him removed during the next break?
04:57No.
04:57No.
04:59No.
04:59No.
05:00No.
05:00No.
05:01There was another scandal involving a gay man.
05:02Last March, Captain Mervyn Bruges of the HMS Watford was all over the public press.
05:07Libby Schuss went behind the story.
05:09You don't listen.
05:09Get away from me!
05:10Get away from me!
05:11The boat, the captain, and the he's-a-puff headlines.
05:16The scandal followed video evidence of Captain Mervyn Bruges indulging in an odd practice with a gun.
05:25First thing I think is he's going to shoot the gull I've been looking at.
05:28Starry which takes a gun, sticks in his gob.
05:33That's sucking it, you know.
05:40You're like, erm, nurse, like, puts the baby's winky in her mouth to make it go quiet.
05:45Like that.
05:49Naval denial was swift.
05:52Captain Bruges was on deck.
05:54He noticed his gun was dirty and he cleaned it.
05:59For a while, that was it.
06:01Nothing was doing.
06:02Until we rooted out startlingly new evidence from this man, Ben Fetch.
06:08For a year, he served under Captain Bruges.
06:13A lot of the on-board drills were done in the nude.
06:19Or sometimes just with jockstraps.
06:21And he used to play loud music while we were doing it.
06:26Yeah, he made me shoot fire drills on his camera.
06:29You know, I was quite chuffed, being a cameraman and all that.
06:31And, er, strange thing, but you kind of got used to it after a while.
06:37I used to go to his office, to report to his office, and in the nude, just kind of stand
06:41there, like.
06:42And he'd be at his desk writing notes and whatnot.
06:45And he'd be humming little tunes to himself.
06:48And it's a bit weird.
06:50Dress the penis.
06:51The worst thing was, er, the first aid drill.
06:54We used to have to dress wounds, but it was always dressing penises.
06:59Penis wounds.
07:02The M.O.D.
07:03What will they say now?
07:05I'm going inside like a ferret with a tape.
07:08What did Sir Hugh Mahogues make about devastating new shots?
07:13It is absolutely important for every man on board to be able to dress a penis wound.
07:19Dress the penis, man.
07:2093% of wounds sustained in naval battle are, in fact, to the penis.
07:26I want you to take a look at this.
07:32What is the point of that pelvic marching?
07:35Two men marching like that present a much smaller target than two men marching like that.
07:42Bruges often insisted that on man overboard drill, he was the one thrown overboard naked.
07:51Um, one cannot be ashamed of what one's pulling out of the water.
07:56And if it is a nude man thrashing around, gasping for his life,
08:00one must not shrink from that task, because one is abashed about his nudity.
08:07But two months ago, Ben Fetch was fired, when, on the first day of his transfer to HMS Gooch,
08:13he reported for lifeboat duty stark naked.
08:17Force of habit, I suppose, isn't it?
08:19So that was me done, court-martial, in the slammer, you know.
08:25On Watford, nakedness was applicable.
08:28But on Gooch, everyone was dressed, apart from Fetch,
08:33who was stark naked and seemed to be indulging in some fit of sort of anarchic clothlessness,
08:38which cannot be tolerated.
08:42Fetch is now unemployed, a victim of the gay boat and of Captain Bruges, who testified against him.
08:49He was the one who said I'd spent all my time taking my clothes off and whatnot,
08:53and he gave evidence against me, and he was the one who told me to do it in the first
08:58place.
08:59No explanation was given by the Navy or the MOD, but four days ago, Bruges was on shore leave, and
09:06I went on a nab.
09:08Captain Bruges, why are you being gay with your men?
09:12What?
09:12We saw you gobbling a gun like a man's heart!
09:21You made a point that you say Ben Fetch was dangerously gay.
09:26Yes, he's totally gay.
09:29Fetch is as gay as a window.
09:31What's wrong with being gay?
09:33Homosexuals can't swim.
09:35They attract enemy radar.
09:38They attract sharks.
09:39They insist on being placed at the captain's table.
09:43They get up late.
09:46They nudge people whilst they're shooting.
09:49They muck about.
09:53Imagine the fear of knowing you have a gay man on board a boat.
09:59When you retire at night, you think to yourself,
10:02God, will I wake up and find everybody dead?
10:08Quiet.
10:08You can't run a ship like that.
10:10No.
10:11So there is a good reason, after all.
10:14Could have saved us all a lot of fuss if they'd told us that in the first place.
10:17Still, wouldn't have made such a good story.
10:19And maybe that's the point.
10:26Next on The Felt Spoon, sex and fantasy.
10:30The doorbell rings, and I go to answer it,
10:33and Alan is wearing police uniform,
10:37and he says,
10:40could you come in?
10:40He shows me his ID,
10:42checks who I am,
10:43and says that he has some very bad news for me.
10:46So I ask him into the hallway,
10:48and he says that my daughter,
10:50our daughter,
10:51has died in a car crash.
10:55And I've become very upset,
10:57and we have sex.
11:01And a Zeitgeist special with Peter Stringfellow.
11:04Peter Stringfellow is his name,
11:05but is it only a name?
11:07Peter Stringfellow,
11:08is it only a name?
11:09No.
11:10But you do have a name.
11:11I have,
11:12yes, I do have a name,
11:13and people associate it.
11:14You never deny that, would you?
11:16No, not at all.
11:16Let's talk about your club.
11:17What's it called?
11:18Stringfellas.
11:19OK, but essentially,
11:20we're talking about your club.
11:21It's called?
11:22Stringfellas.
12:03Welcome back, and shut up.
12:05New media plans for Sunday Sports,
12:07David Sullivan.
12:08You've got a cable TV channel, haven't you?
12:10No, I've got a license for little adult channel,
12:12which is tiny.
12:13A channel for little adults?
12:15Yes.
12:15And Ted Moore reviews sex in the media.
12:19This is Belgium's most popular show.
12:22It features a man on a penis trike,
12:24crashing round a playpen.
12:31And in this country next year,
12:33a nightly four-hour show
12:35will feature a man
12:37looking at pictures of women
12:38and saying which ones he'd hump.
12:41No.
12:45Yes.
12:58Welcome back.
13:00Now, sex and children.
13:01Stop right there, you might think,
13:03but don't say it,
13:04because to hear the word stop
13:05is for many the biggest turn-on of all.
13:08Now, we have Judy Luton in the audience here.
13:10Judy, there you are.
13:11Right here, Judy.
13:13Now, just tell us what happened to you.
13:16When I was nine,
13:18I was abused by my uncle.
13:21Sexually abused.
13:23Do you remember what he was like, your uncle?
13:25Was he a handsome man?
13:28Just look at me.
13:29Just look at me.
13:29Take it easy.
13:30Okay.
13:31Just look at me.
13:32Right.
13:33Now, was he as handsome as me?
13:34Just, for example.
13:38No way.
13:41Not quite.
13:42Stay looking at me.
13:48Just do that again.
13:51God.
13:56Twelve.
13:59Do you, if you fall over in the snow,
14:01do you make a couple of bumps?
14:04Um.
14:06Probably tear, don't you?
14:09Some adult channel.
14:14It is as easy.
14:15It's as easy as that,
14:17as you,
14:18as that,
14:19for something to go wrong
14:20in a family.
14:22We had someone else here
14:23with a similar kind of problem.
14:24Who was it?
14:26Uh, yeah,
14:27what happened to you?
14:27My father abused me repeatedly
14:29between the ages of four and 60.
14:31But it hasn't happened a lot recently?
14:33No.
14:34Good.
14:34Now,
14:35from abuse to self-abuse,
14:37something which has been
14:38disrupting the senatorial elections
14:40in the United States.
14:42Austin Tasselstein reports,
14:43reports, reports.
14:44This was the moment,
14:45three days ago,
14:46when Senator Dale Lee Agsby
14:48plunged his campaign into crisis
14:50with an unprecedented outburst
14:51on live television.
14:53There's no pride.
15:05No one quite believed
15:06what they'd seen.
15:07He's talking.
15:08The new rally
15:08just gets out his dick, man.
15:10He used to extract his genitalia
15:11at a rally
15:12and manipulate them to issue.
15:14Several cords
15:15of reproductive mucus
15:16were expelled rhythmically
15:17into the crowd.
15:18And that great big goblet of stuff
15:20went out in the audience somewhere.
15:21It does indeed look like
15:23an impulsive act
15:24of public self-abuse.
15:25Senator Agsby seems to unsheathe
15:27a length of skin-clad tube.
15:29His anatomy has broken cloth there
15:30and he staggers around,
15:32vigorously ransacking his dignity
15:34until finally he releases
15:35several arcs of liquid silk
15:37from the fleshy nozzle
15:38of his fork.
15:38But for two days,
15:40the besieged Agsby camp
15:41would only say
15:42the senator was unwell.
15:449-5-2-K-Z.
15:45For the mischief makers,
15:46it's been a gift on a plate.
15:49What's he gonna do,
15:50walking dongress?
15:52Dongress.
15:53Dongress.
15:53Okay.
15:54I came first in a slime room.
15:56Can't believe you did that.
15:57And for the entrepreneurs,
15:58a bonus bonanza
15:59boom-bomb benefit bowling alley.
16:01Wacked out meatball
16:02with zipper juice.
16:04That's a big pink stick
16:07with a lot of cream
16:08kind of juking out of the top.
16:10And you can wash it all down
16:11with a cup of juk coffee.
16:13Derisive and derisory, yes.
16:14But Agsby was not
16:16without approbators.
16:17He has thrust aside the curtain
16:20and proclaimed,
16:20admitted,
16:21politics is just spewing
16:22gissom in public.
16:23But, you know,
16:23do we listen?
16:24No, we just weep
16:25like tea's vaginas.
16:26Midday,
16:27and a beleaguered Agsby
16:28makes a break for it
16:29and is clearly seen
16:30in the grip
16:30of an aggressive seizure.
16:32For Agsby's
16:33mainly female
16:34family man supporters,
16:35the time had clearly come
16:36to wake up
16:37and smell some
16:38unpleasantly milky tea.
16:40So why would Agsby
16:42blow it on a public debasement,
16:43albeit a pleasurable one?
16:46The moment he turned,
16:47I knew it's the way
16:47he always does it.
16:48It's the hunch of the shoulder
16:50and then I knew he was
16:51going to get his dick out.
16:52He was always this way
16:54and it's a wonder to me
16:56that it hasn't happened
16:57before now.
16:57One time he jerked off
16:58in my dog's face
16:59and she was very,
17:01very upset.
17:02But in a sensational
17:03announcement yesterday,
17:04Agsby claimed he'd not been
17:06pounding his parson.
17:07I had for many years
17:08suffered secretly
17:10from the painful effects
17:11of Presto Didwick's congenia.
17:14A rare blood disorder
17:16which causes sudden
17:17involuntary
17:18erective pressure.
17:19The senator explained
17:21he'd sneezed into his hand
17:22just before speaking
17:23and then suffered
17:24a massive attack
17:25of congenia.
17:26I tried repeatedly
17:27to return the organ
17:29with my fist
17:31with the effect
17:33that the nasal mucus
17:36flew across the room
17:38and hit a few people
17:41as you saw.
17:51With the sound
17:53of that hullabaloo
17:53still ringing in its ears,
17:55I have a question.
17:57Would there really
17:57have been all this fuss
17:58if Agsby had been a woman?
18:00I somehow doubt it.
18:02Don't you?
18:06Austin Tasseltine.
18:08Now,
18:08part your belief curtains
18:09for a final word
18:10on the matter
18:11from Peter Tatchell.
18:19So what's next?
18:20So what's next?
18:21Yeah, what do you reckon?
18:22I mean,
18:22what's going to be
18:22the next issue
18:23and will it be
18:24for the next election?
18:26I think undoubtedly
18:28outrage will
18:28make an intervention
18:30at the time
18:30of the next general election.
18:31Are you going to...
18:33I think we'll be thinking
18:34about doing what we can
18:36to put pressure
18:37on various people
18:37and authority.
18:38Yeah, but man,
18:39you know,
18:40I mean,
18:40if that was on the agenda,
18:43I mean,
18:43the frog wouldn't
18:45come out of the box,
18:45would he?
18:46The frog certainly
18:47would come out of the box.
18:49Well,
18:50if two cabinet ministers
18:52came out,
18:53Howard,
18:55that would certainly
18:56make a very,
18:57very big impact.
18:59But you say
18:59Labour would then,
19:00two of them
19:01would come out as well
19:01probably,
19:02wouldn't they?
19:02Well,
19:03they're following suit
19:04like, you know,
19:05kids playing snap.
19:06Well,
19:07I think,
19:07you know,
19:09the problem is
19:10everybody's too scared
19:11to do it by themselves.
19:12You get six,
19:13seven,
19:13eight,
19:14nine,
19:14ten MPs
19:15all coming out at once.
19:16None of them
19:17will be picked on
19:17individually.
19:19They'll all be able
19:20to have the mutual
19:23support and solidarity,
19:24hopefully,
19:24of their colleagues.
19:25You get Jack Straw
19:26or Robin Cook,
19:27Michael Howard.
19:29I mean,
19:29would there be an argument
19:30for them coming out
19:30if they weren't gay at all?
19:33Well,
19:33that might be
19:34an interesting proposition.
19:35It's a bloody convincing argument.
19:37Why not send
19:38a tape
19:39of this programme
19:41say,
19:43come on, mate,
19:44you're obviously
19:46you're a big
19:53So where does that
19:54leave us?
19:55Well,
19:55let's ask our audience.
19:57And how many of you
19:58have changed your minds?
20:00And why was that?
20:02Thanks.
20:02throughout tonight's programme,
20:03we've also had a naked,
20:05asexual man
20:05up a stick
20:06watching some pornography.
20:08Have you reached
20:09any conclusions?
20:13Well,
20:13I hope that's been
20:14of some help.
20:15We'll just leave you
20:15with a couple of
20:16items of whore news.
20:17There's a large
20:18build-up of whores
20:19in a digger
20:20on the A47 tonight.
20:21And don't forget
20:21that in Leicester,
20:22Joanna Lumley,
20:23Anita Roddick
20:24and Helena Bonham Carter
20:25are all whoring themselves
20:26all night
20:27to raise a little money
20:28to buy some coloured bricks
20:30for some children.
20:31Helena's speciality
20:32there is a golden shower.
20:33And if you're
20:33anywhere near Yarmouth,
20:34watch out for that
20:35giant whore.
20:36It's still on the loose,
20:36terrifying everybody,
20:37including the police.
20:39That's it.
20:41Good night.
20:42APPLAUSE
21:02MUSIC PLAYS