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00:00MUSIC
00:28Thank you so much.
00:33Hello, I'm Mark Dolan and this is Balls of Steel, this is the show where new comedians and performers gather
00:40together to impress you with the size of their balls. How? Simple, by doing stupid stuff. Some brave...
00:48Do you fancy a bum?
00:49I don't understand.
00:51Do you fancy a bum?
00:54Some funny.
00:55Do you really think he still thinks where these are wrong?
00:58I don't think so, I know so!
01:02And yes, you guessed it, some downright idiotic.
01:05You call me cool?
01:07Who are you calling cool?
01:08I asked you for a movie and you are inciting racial hatred?
01:12So let's meet our next contender for the Balls of Steel crown. It's a man who does all his stunts
01:17on the hoof. Say hello to my next guest. It's the Annoying Devil!
01:32Welcome to Balls of Steel. Nice wheels. Lovely, thank you. So what have you been up to this week?
01:39Well, I've been out annoying motorists in my tiny car of evil. Sounds appropriately nasty to me. Let's have a
01:45look.
02:06Just hit for a moment. You can't park here mate. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry dear. Thank you.
03:02You do now.
03:04You're welcome, everyone.
03:07A few other definitions can come to the dentist.
03:13Ugh...
03:15Soifa has no idea on how to show your ما am.
03:38You, Baldy.
03:40Yes, right?
03:41You, Crono.
03:44My bellend has got more hair than your head.
03:48It's only a joke, but it don't stop you having a bald head, you know what I mean?
03:51Laters.
03:52I don't have a bald head, you know what I mean?
03:55I don't have a bald head, you know what I mean?
04:31Yes, I can hear you.
04:33I can hear you.
04:39Yeah, I'm a bald head, boy.
04:49Oh, yes, indeed.
04:52Very good, very good.
05:24I can hear you.
05:25Oh, I'm an Aussie boy.
05:27I'm an Aussie boy.
05:30Oh, my God.
05:39Brilliant work there.
05:40Ladies and gentlemen, the annoying devil.
05:42Thank you, Mark.
05:43Well done, fella.
05:44Cheers.
05:45Off you go.
05:46That's it.
05:48At the end of the show, we're going to need to select a winner, the person with tonight's
05:52biggest balls of steel, and that is where our studio audience comes in.
05:56When we've seen all of tonight's contenders, I'll ask everyone to vote for their favourite.
06:00Whoever gets the most votes wins, and I will then present the victor with a hugely coveted
06:04balls of steel trophy.
06:05It could not be simpler.
06:07So, audience, please pay very close attention.
06:10The decision is yours.
06:12It's time for my next guest.
06:13Please welcome Todd Ju.
06:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:26Good stuff.
06:28Todd Ju, welcome to the show.
06:29How are you doing?
06:30Calling the gang, man.
06:31You are, man.
06:32And tell me, what have you been up to this week?
06:34Well, basically, I dress up as a Black Panther, and I fuck up the lives of innocent white people.
06:39LAUGHTER
06:40I'm not going to talk to you any further.
06:42I just want to watch it.
07:03Excuse me, my brother.
07:05I require a tool to dig a hole in my garden.
07:08Don't.
07:08Spades?
07:13Motherfucker, are you out of your mind?
07:15Spade?
07:15Do you realise the racial implication and the complication and the frustration that the
07:20word causes?
07:22Look in the dictionary.
07:26It's hurt to cause pain.
07:28Now, when I think of pain, I think of oppression.
07:30When I think of oppression, I think of depression.
07:35It's me back 400 years, to be precise.
07:43I can't help you.
07:48That's all, God.
07:50That's all.
07:50I can't help you.
07:54All, God.
07:55I can't help you.
07:56I can't help you.
08:18Black wine
08:19Maybe it's time the producers invented a black wine.
08:23I think it's about that time.
08:26Maybe you should approach those producers and tell them to produce their black wine.
08:30I'm too busy out there trying to destroy and crush oppression.
08:33All of my time and energy is spent in trying to raise and uplift my nation.
08:39My brother.
08:48I would like a movie from the 80s with Steve Gutenberg.
08:53With some old people who become young again.
08:57I believe the movie is called...
08:59Cocoon.
09:03What do you say?
09:04Cocoon, sir.
09:05You call me Coon?
09:06Who you calling Coon?
09:09I asked you for a movie and you are inciting racial hatred?
09:12I can't believe the bullshit and the bigotry that I am being confronted with.
09:17All I did was come here and try and rent a movie.
09:20I don't need this oppression and confrontation which is causing irritation and frustration.
09:26See, this is the kind of thing that is destroying my beautiful black nation.
09:32Motherfucker, give me Police Academy.
09:50Fantastic stuff.
09:51Do you feel a tiny bit guilty?
09:52Hold on a second.
09:54No.
09:55Okay.
09:56Well, you've definitely got balls of steel.
09:58Ladies and gentlemen, Todd Jue.
10:07Our next contender doesn't see game shows as an opportunity to give prizes.
10:10He sees them as an opportunity to humiliate contestants.
10:13Let's bring him on.
10:15It's Alex Zane.
10:20I love you.
10:22Alex, thank you so much.
10:23You're so welcome.
10:25Well, well.
10:26Alex, it's great to see you.
10:29Welcome to Balls of Steel.
10:30It's lovely to be here.
10:31Now, Big Owl, as you're probably not known.
10:34Never.
10:35What do you have for us tonight?
10:37It's called The Cleverness Game.
10:39I've assembled mastermind game show contestants.
10:41They know their specialist fields inside and out.
10:45And in many ways to do that, have sacrificed ever knowing a woman inside and out.
10:50And when you see it, in one instance, may have actually sacrificed a woman.
10:55Okay.
10:57What I did is I kind of...
10:59I asked them questions in their specialist subjects.
11:01I gave them the first two right.
11:04And then, like some grotesque quiz angler, I reeled them in by going,
11:09No, that's wrong.
11:11Even though it was right.
11:12Okay.
11:12And in the end, I clubbed them over the head like a flapping salmon.
11:16That's it.
11:24Wow, that seems clever in this game.
11:30Hello, and welcome to Alex Zane's Cleverness Game.
11:34Nice to see you.
11:35Yes, it is.
11:36Now, this is the game show where we meet ordinary people
11:39with an extraordinary knowledge of one subject.
11:43Let's meet our next brave contestant.
11:46Ladies and gentlemen, hello.
11:47Hello, Alex.
11:48What is your specialist subject?
11:50The life of Anna Frank.
11:51Eurovision Song Contest winners.
11:54Hercule Poirot.
11:57How old was Anne when she first wrote her diary?
12:00Thirteen.
12:03What did Anne name her diary?
12:06Kitty.
12:07What pattern was the cloth covering of Anne's diary?
12:10Check or tartan.
12:12Yeah, I assure you it is. I've seen it.
12:14It's actually blue stripes.
12:17How many individuals went into hiding?
12:19Eight.
12:21Yeah, it was actually seven.
12:22Well, they were eighteen.
12:23That's an ambiguously worded crack.
12:26Only one Agatha Christie novel featured the word lesbian
12:29in the text.
12:30Which Poirot story was it?
12:32Halloween party.
12:33Poirot and the lesbians is the answer.
12:36Name all four members of 1974 winners ABBA.
12:40Bjorn Ulvius, Benny, Anderson and...
12:44I'm afraid it's Agnetha, Anna Fried, Bjorn and Bjorn again.
12:50Where was Anne Frank born?
12:51Frankfurt.
12:53Nuremberg.
12:54She was not, she was born in Frankfurt.
12:56Who wrote these questions?
12:57I mean, come on.
12:58I'm not delighted to get that wrong, am I?
13:00I'm afraid the answer I have here is Nuremberg.
13:02She was quite definitely born in Frankfurt on the 12th of June 1929.
13:04The ABC murders were published in 1936.
13:09What did the ABC refer to?
13:11Oh, it was a railway timetable.
13:13The answer I have is African bum cleaners.
13:17How many points did Cliff Richard win the 1968 Eurovision Song Contest?
13:22He came second and he lost by one point.
13:26He actually won by one point.
13:27He won by one point.
13:28No, Cliff and Everett, Cliff is going to be the best.
13:29Mr Frank worked at the Dutch Opector Company.
13:32What did they sell?
13:33Pectin.
13:35Rubberware is the answer.
13:37Not these weapons.
13:39I just wanted to correct me, but I'm actually an expert.
13:41He came second in 1968 and third in 1973.
13:46Right, no, he won in 1968 by one point.
13:48No, actually he didn't.
13:49It was La La La that Cliff Richard beat in 1968 by one point.
13:52No, La La La beat him by one point and that's 100% guaranteed.
13:56Cliff won by one point, though.
13:57No, Cliff and Everett, Cliff is very annoyed that he never won the Eurovision Song Contest.
14:01I've got it here.
14:02No, because I was guess that I'm actually, you know, I don't actually know that for definite.
14:06It's just weird, because I interviewed Cliff Richard recently and he said he won in 1968.
14:12No, I mean, I'm an authority that he didn't win.
14:14But Cliff Richard said he did.
14:15He locked himself in the toilets and had to be taken out on both occasions.
14:19Between which years did Anne Frank write her diaries?
14:221941 and 1944.
14:24It's actually 1942 and 1946.
14:28What were the names...
14:28She was dead by 1946!
14:31According to the card, she wasn't. She was still writing 1946.
14:34So I did 1945.
14:35What were the names of Anne Frank's parents?
14:38Otto and Edith.
14:40Otto and Edna.
14:42Oh, for God's sake.
14:44Otto and Edna.
14:45But Ray, thank you very much for stopping by today.
14:47You're going to have to do better than this, you know. About a quarter of those questions were wrong.
14:51We have had them checked by the National Association of Rabbis and the Anne Frank Museum in Amsterdam have verified
14:58these questions.
14:58Well, I'm hardly likely to get her birthplace wrong, or the name of her mother, am I?
15:01Her mother was called Edith.
15:03Edna.
15:04No, it wasn't.
15:05It was Edna, we checked.
15:07Edna isn't a German name.
15:08It could be the studio lights that's confusing you, it can get quite tense.
15:11Nothing is confusing me, you're wrong, I'm right.
15:14Got it!
15:15The answers I have here are all correct, and you're giving me a different answer.
15:20I mean, right at the start you got the colour of her diary wrong.
15:23I know you said you'd seen it.
15:24No, I've seen it.
15:25And what would you say it is?
15:26It's a sort of tartan, of er, check or tartan pattern.
15:29Although it's actually stripes.
15:33Criss-crossing stripes.
15:34No, no, no, just blue stripes.
15:36No, there's no blue on it.
15:37There's blue stripes.
15:38You're wrong.
15:40Obvious things like, between which years did Anne Frank write her diaries?
15:44The last answer was dated 1st August 1944.
15:471946.
15:48And she died in March 1945.
15:50She wasn't doing anything in 1946.
15:52You might not know as much as you think.
15:53I mean, that's the atmosphere of the studio.
15:57Do you really still think some of these are wrong?
15:59I don't think so.
16:01I know so!
16:02Get it!
16:03OK.
16:05OK.
16:06Fair enough.
16:08Can I get out of here, please?
16:10Now!
16:12You're going to have to check your questions much more carefully.
16:19Alex seems clever in this game.
16:29Legendary stuff.
16:30Legendary stuff.
16:31You say that.
16:32I mean...
16:33You know, at the end there...
16:35Go on, then.
16:35I was...
16:36Although I played it quite cool, just then, when he went,
16:39Get it!
16:40I actually had a little bit of weak amounts.
16:43Of course you did.
16:44There's no question about that.
16:46Get it!
16:46It was terrifying.
16:48It's like, Brian blessed, but evil.
16:50Lot of that going on.
16:51Yeah, obviously you were a little intimidated to have to meet him.
16:54Unfortunately, you're going to have to meet him again,
16:56because he's here tonight.
16:57Ray Ward, ladies and gentlemen!
17:06Ray Ward.
17:08Oh.
17:09Oh.
17:11Oh.
17:11Your name is Ray Ward.
17:13Got it!
17:15Ray, we think we love you, baby.
17:16Do we love Ray Ward?
17:18Yeah!
17:19Oh.
17:20You know a lot about Anne Frank.
17:21I've got to say, you know nothing about fashion.
17:26What's with the t-shirt?
17:28It was bought on the Isle of Wight by my lady friend, intended for her nephew,
17:34and it turned out to be too small for him, but it fitted me perfectly,
17:37so she gave it to me.
17:38OK, I've got a family insight for you.
17:40Your lady friend hated her nephew.
17:43I've got to say, every comedy show likes to have some kind of catchphrase,
17:47and I can't imagine a better catchphrase than,
17:50I don't think so, I know so.
17:53Got it?
17:54Oh, would you please just give us that line?
17:57We can make it the balls of steel catchphrase.
18:00I don't think so, I know so.
18:02Got it!
18:09Ladies and gentlemen, Ray Ward.
18:17Sensational work, Alex.
18:18Ladies and gentlemen, Alex Zane.
18:22How good was that?
18:27Our next guest is Eric Payne.
18:33There you are.
18:36Good to see you.
18:37Well done.
18:41Eric, welcome to Balls of Steel.
18:43Thank you, Mark.
18:44Tell me, why do you think you've got balls of steel?
18:46Erm, well, blokes go around tapping on women all the time,
18:50so I thought I'd go around tapping on blokes.
18:52Quite right.
18:53And what sort of technique do you use?
18:55Erm, a subtle one.
18:56I go up and say, fancy a bum.
19:03...isn't it?
19:03Yeah.
19:04How successful have you been?
19:08I certainly would.
19:10Let's have a peek.
19:32Excuse me, Mac.
19:33Do you know where the railway station is?
19:35Yeah.
19:36It doesn't matter really which way you go up there,
19:40as long as you're heading with which turnings you take,
19:43because if you keep going in that direction,
19:45you'll find it.
19:46OK, understood.
19:47All right.
19:47You fancy a bum?
19:48Sorry?
19:49You fancy a bum?
19:51I don't understand.
19:52You fancy a bum?
19:56A what?
19:57A bum?
19:58No.
19:58You sure?
19:59Yeah.
19:59You might like it.
20:00No.
20:02OK.
20:16Hello?
20:16For a cab, please?
20:17Cab?
20:18Yeah.
20:19Taxi?
20:19Yeah.
20:20You a taxi?
20:21I am.
20:21Yeah, I'll do a taxi.
20:22Yeah.
20:22Yeah.
20:23You fancy bum?
20:25Sorry?
20:25You fancy a bum?
20:27You sure?
20:28Go on.
20:29Maybe you'll like it.
20:30No?
20:31You sure?
20:32OK.
20:33Understood.
20:34Where are you going?
20:35No.
20:36In here.
20:48Excuse me, mate.
20:49Do you know where the railway station is?
20:51Yes.
20:52Right.
20:53Go through there towards the Bento Centre, massive building, sort of through there.
20:58All the way down the end of that sort of high stress, pedestrianised.
21:01Yeah.
21:01Come to Burger King on the other side of the road.
21:03Do a left there.
21:04Walk all the way around that road near there.
21:06Understood.
21:07OK.
21:07You fancy a bum?
21:08Sorry?
21:09You fancy a bum?
21:10A bum?
21:10Yeah, you fancy a bum.
21:12What do you mean?
21:13I don't even know what I mean.
21:13You fancy a bum this afternoon?
21:15No.
21:15Not really.
21:16You sure?
21:16Ladies only on the break.
21:18All right.
21:19Nice try, though.
21:28All right.
21:29Wait up, mate.
21:31OK.
21:31How much do you charge?
21:32What was it you wanted to do in?
21:34Um, upstairs ones first, I think.
21:36Right.
21:36Yeah, downstairs are all right.
21:37You just want them two windows down and that's it?
21:39Yeah.
21:40Is that all right?
21:41It's just the front you want to do in it?
21:42Yeah, this one up there and that one.
21:43All right.
21:59All right.
22:00All right.
22:16Yeah, mate.
22:18You fancy a bum?
22:19Yes.
22:20You fancy a bum?
22:21You sure?
22:22Yeah.
22:23Fuck, yeah.
22:23You might like it.
22:24No, I don't miss it.
22:26Come on in.
22:27No, no.
22:28My witty doesn't let her in the car.
22:29It's all right.
22:30You're in here, aren't you?
22:31Is that why it's good for you?
22:32No.
22:33It's what you might fancy a bit of afternoon fun.
22:35Oh, yeah.
22:35Not for me, mate.
22:37Understood.
22:43OK, well, Eric, not a great week for bumming, then.
22:51No, unfortunately, no.
22:52I was really impressed by the professionalism of the window cleaner.
22:55You know, you're offering him a bum, but you just carried on cleaning.
22:58If, however, you'd asked him if you wanted a cup of tea...
23:01He'd have been there all afternoon.
23:02Yeah, two hours and a chat and a biscuit.
23:04Yeah.
23:05Well, Eric, until the next time, I wish you the very best of British
23:08in all your bumming activities.
23:10Thank you very much.
23:11Eric Page, ladies and gentlemen, our big gay following.
23:14Thank you, Mark.
23:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:21Please welcome our next guest, the lovely Dawn Porter.
23:35Hello, Dawn.
23:36Hello.
23:36You look ravishing tonight.
23:38Thank you very much.
23:39Um, now, Dawn, tell me, why do you think you've got the biggest balls of steel?
23:43Well, I have been doing a little bit of a road test and testing English men,
23:47see if their moral compasses are kind of heading in the right direction.
23:50Sounds intimidating.
23:51Yes.
23:52How did you get on?
23:53Well, what I would do is I'd go into a bar, I'd find a victim, I would eye him up
23:58a bit,
23:59you know, ask him over, get him to fancy me, and when I thought that he did,
24:03I'd drop a clanger and see if they went with it.
24:05What, like some kind of evil man trap?
24:07A man trap indeed, yes.
24:09Let's take a look.
24:18MUSIC PLAYS
24:21Excuse me, excuse me.
24:25Do you mind just sitting with me for a minute?
24:27Oh, yeah, sure.
24:29I was looking for somewhere to go in there.
24:31I'm so embarrassed, I've totally left on my own.
24:33I don't mind me calling you over, I'm actually quite embarrassed, I don't usually do that.
24:37You look really nice standing there.
24:39I'm John, nice to meet you.
24:40John, I'm Vernon, nice to meet you.
24:41Oh, Vernon.
24:42Nice to meet you.
24:43What are you doing tonight?
24:45I'm just chilling out, you know, going to a party.
24:47Oh, wicked!
24:48What, you're meeting your friends in here?
24:49Yeah, yeah, they've just gone out of time.
24:51Oh, wicked, okay.
24:53Cool.
24:54Well, I suppose we're going to a party tonight as well.
24:56I've known about it for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks,
24:58and my mates just called me up about half an hour ago and said she's not coming,
25:01so I'm only pissed off and just sitting here, just waiting for her.
25:05I was going to wait, no, I was going to.
25:07He used to say to me there's only one ticket.
25:09What a nightmare!
25:10If you weren't getting a ticket you'd come to my thing with me for me.
25:13Oh yeah, yeah, that sounds good, yeah.
25:15Would you?
25:15Yeah, would you, yeah.
25:16Are you serious?
25:17Yeah.
25:17Oh my God, it's going to be really cool.
25:19It's just like, you know...
25:21Well, I mean, if they're not going to rock up, then I'll go with you.
25:24What happened?
25:24Well, that is so cool, thank you.
25:25You've seen so much.
25:26Yeah, exactly, you know, I don't want to like stood up, so yeah, definitely.
25:29Awesome.
25:30Oh well, he's being stood up.
25:41Excellent.
25:42Well look, I'll just pop the name and you'll come with me.
25:47Alright.
26:03Okay.
26:06Yes.
26:07Now, audience, I've got to ask you, did he stay or did he go?
26:12The audience seemed quite split.
26:15Well, you can see the look on his face.
26:17He's thinking about doing a runner.
26:19Does he stay or does he go?
26:21Let's take a look.
26:37Here we go.
26:38Yeah.
26:41No, no, no.
26:44No, no, no.
26:45No, no, no.
26:46We'll get the grand show.
26:47Come on up.
26:48Come on up, dude.
26:49Okay.
26:50Oh, good morning.
26:51There you go.
26:53Yes, he actually started. However, the great news is, he's here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, Verna.
27:06OK. Now, Verna, you've got balls of steel coming on the programme.
27:10All the women here have got their vicious nails out for you.
27:14Verna, what was going through your mind when that happened?
27:17Well, I just went in the pub for a drink.
27:19Yeah, of course you did, we know that bit, but there's the other bit where you ran away from a
27:24disabled lady.
27:26Yeah, but you don't really think that when you walked over to the table, so...
27:30No, I know, that's kind of the concept.
27:33What was going through your mind the moment you saw her unusual legs as she hopped off to the toilet?
27:40Erm, I kind of panicked.
27:43Yeah, you don't say. I love the way your definition of panic is to finish your pint first.
27:48LAUGHTER
27:50I mean, yeah, it's fair. Let's not throw beer money away.
27:53Well, we do think that you've redeemed yourself for coming on this show.
27:56Ladies and gentlemen, Verna!
27:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:03You know, we like, we like Verna, cos he faced up to his actions, didn't he?
28:09Yeah, very brave. Very brave.
28:18Let's have a look.
28:20Let's have a look.
28:48Are you happy to go?
28:49Yes.
28:49Okay, come on.
28:50CHIRP AND O dorm, o dorm, o dorme
28:55A lovely, lovely image there.
28:57A chap called Burhan, who's here in the Balls of Steel studio.
29:01Yay!
29:02Woo! Burhan, ladies and gentlemen!
29:07Well, thank you, Dawn. That was brilliant.
29:10Dawn Porter, everyone. The Manchester.
29:15Woo!ische팅
29:18Our next candidate hoping to prove their balls of steel is New Zealand's greatest stuntman, Randy Campbell.
29:24Now, those of you watching last week will have seen Randy's attempt to jump from the roof of these studios
29:28going massively wrong.
29:30One! Don't do it! It's too late mate! Randy's in the zone!
29:34He's late! Two! The stunt's gone horribly wrong!
29:39He's alive! Campbell's alive!
29:42Randy's being beaten within an inch of his mark! This is horrific!
29:45Following meetings with the police and a High Court injunction from health and safety officials,
29:50I'm afraid that Randy will not be performing here tonight.
29:53But don't panic, because you can't keep a good lunatic down.
29:55And we can bring you, via live satellite from a secret stunt location, performing his latest death-defying feat.
30:02It's Randy Campbell. I hand over now to Jesus Christopherson and Jehovah C. Clarke.
30:08Thanks Mark! I'm Jesus Christopherson!
30:10And I'm Jehovah C. Clarke!
30:11Welcome to Stunt Armageddon!
30:13Tonight, Randy Campbell, New Zealand's greatest daredevil stuntman, performs a stunt so dangerous it may well be his last.
30:20This you dared me to!
30:22Tonight's lucky home viewer is four-year-old Paul who writes,
30:25Dear Randy, you dick. I dare jump two cars and an angry monkey on a BMX. Love, Paul.
30:31P.S. My dad says if you don't throw on a couple of bikini models, you're a gay!
30:37Alright, I'll do it!
30:38And what a dare it is! As this high-tech computer model clearly demonstrates this will be the greatest event
30:43in English TV history!
30:44Are you insane? This will be the greatest stunt in the world!
30:47Randy's got the best stunt crew in the business to back him up like rookie stuntman Skip Butler!
30:54And there's Spanners Watson earlier today, fine-tuning that V8 supercar.
30:58Go Spanners!
30:59This stunt is sweet.
31:01Dick Johansson pretty confident.
31:02Why wouldn't he be?
31:03Campbell similarly has to clear the ramp, leap...
31:13He's telling me a little bit.
31:20He's telling us to try and see Tiddy's go.
31:27The girl is quite a bit.
31:29Believe in this!
31:29I'm gonna try and see Tiddy's go.
31:31He's getting into high-tech and turn��� the ramp,ward the ramp.
31:32Is hening?
31:34I'll try and see Tiddy's go.
31:35I'll try and see Tiddy's go.
31:36Tiddy, Tiddy, Tiddy, Tiddy.
31:36nddy, Tiddy, Tiddy, Tiddy.
31:37Tiddy, Tiddy, Tiddy!