00:00When someone refuses to repair after conflict, it's not that they're just
00:03bad at communicating. They are giving you the full roadmap to their emotional capacity.
00:08So healthy relationships are not governed by the absence of conflict. No, no, no. It is about how
00:14people repair in the presence of conflict. That's what matters. And a lack of repair tells you three
00:20things. Firstly, if you're in a relationship with someone and they are not repairing after conflict,
00:25it is telling you that at this point in time, the relationship is one-sided. Secondly, it is
00:31giving you information about the person themselves. And for people who have an inability to repair
00:36after conflict, what conflict and repair often means to them is they likely see an apology as
00:42a loss of power rather than a gain of emotional intimacy and vulnerability. And thirdly, and most
00:49importantly, it tells you everything that you need to know about their capacity for emotional
00:55safety. Because if someone can't sit in the discomfort of being wrong, of owning up to a
01:00mistake that they made, then they are not able to provide a safe space for your feelings and your
01:06experience. And probably one of the hardest things that people in these often untenable relationship
01:11situations struggle with is the realization that no amount of patience, love, understanding is going
01:18to create and build the capacity for our partner. They have to want and choose it for themselves.
01:24Yes, we can create an emotionally safe environment that fosters reciprocal and mutual growth within a
01:30relationship, but we can't do the growing for them. They have to choose it. They are fully autonomous
01:36adults. And this autonomy means that they have a choice. They can choose to reflect and look inward,
01:42identify what areas that they need to work on and grow within themselves and grow with you. Or they can
01:49fully choose to stay emotionally unaccountable and emotionally unavailable. And then you are also
01:54fully autonomous. You have the right to choose whether or not this is a relationship dynamic that
02:00you want to stay in. Now, I'm always interested to hear about your experience. Have you ever been in
02:04a situation where you have been waiting for the accountability and the repair that never came?
02:09What did it tell you about that person? But also, what did it teach you about yourself?
02:13What did it tell you about yourself?
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