00:00Every time your partner shares a feeling and you hear it as you're attacking me, we need to talk.
00:05Some of you are not going to like this, but as a couples therapist, I see this
00:08all the time. If your partner says, that really hurt, or this pattern, this dance we keep doing
00:14isn't working for me, and your body, it lands like, you're always criticizing me, I can never
00:19get it right, nothing I do is good enough. In that moment, you're not hearing feedback,
00:24you're hearing a lifetime of old criticism. And here's the hard truth, you cannot have a healthy
00:30relationship without feedback. Healthy love requires two people saying something's off without it
00:36turning into I'm a terrible partner, or you're always attacking me. And what I often see with
00:41my avoidant partners is that this flip instead of thanks for telling me it becomes so I have to be
00:46perfect. What you want me to read your mind? No, especially if you're with someone who's more
00:51secure, they'll tell you how they feel. They are literally handing you a roadmap. And your job in
00:56that moment is to stay regulated enough to notice my nervous system is reacting to something old,
01:02maybe a critical parent, maybe being shamed for not getting it right. And not confusing that with
01:07your partner is saying right now. Because here's the danger no one talks about. When a generally secure
01:13partner keeps getting labeled as too sensitive or too needy, or never satisfied just because their
01:20partner can't tolerate discomfort, it slowly erodes their confidence and the relationship.
01:25And they start thinking, maybe I am too much. Maybe I should stop bringing things up. Maybe I'm the
01:30problem. And that's how avoidant defensiveness pulls a secure partner into insecurity. Not because
01:37they were broken, but because their reality kept getting minimized. And if you're listening to this
01:41and thinking, oh, that might be me, take a deep breath. It doesn't mean that you're the bad person.
01:46It means that you've hit a growth edge. Your work is learning to tolerate feedback without turning
01:53it into a character assassination. To practice hearing this hurt and responding with, I want to
02:00understand instead of armor and a defense. Because feedback, real, honest, compassionate feedback
02:06is how relationships evolves, how trust deepens and how two people move from tension into real tenderness.
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