Why You Hear Attack Instead of Feedback

cupandinspiration

Many people confuse feedback with criticism — not because of the partner in front of them, but because of old emotional wounds that were never healed.  This video breaks down how avoidant defensiveness forms, how it pushes secure partners into insecurity, and how real healing begins with learning to stay regulated during difficult conversations.  👉 Subscribe to @cupandinspiration for more meaningful insights on attachment, emotional growth, and healthier relationships.  ©️ All rights and credit reserved to the respective owner(s). Credit: Embracing Joy Psychotherapy

Transcript

00:00Every time your partner shares a feeling and you hear it as you're attacking me, we need to talk.

00:05Some of you are not going to like this, but as a couples therapist, I see this

00:08all the time. If your partner says, that really hurt, or this pattern, this dance we keep doing

00:14isn't working for me, and your body, it lands like, you're always criticizing me, I can never

00:19get it right, nothing I do is good enough. In that moment, you're not hearing feedback,

00:24you're hearing a lifetime of old criticism. And here's the hard truth, you cannot have a healthy

00:30relationship without feedback. Healthy love requires two people saying something's off without it

00:36turning into I'm a terrible partner, or you're always attacking me. And what I often see with

00:41my avoidant partners is that this flip instead of thanks for telling me it becomes so I have to be

00:46perfect. What you want me to read your mind? No, especially if you're with someone who's more

00:51secure, they'll tell you how they feel. They are literally handing you a roadmap. And your job in

00:56that moment is to stay regulated enough to notice my nervous system is reacting to something old,

01:02maybe a critical parent, maybe being shamed for not getting it right. And not confusing that with

01:07your partner is saying right now. Because here's the danger no one talks about. When a generally secure

01:13partner keeps getting labeled as too sensitive or too needy, or never satisfied just because their

01:20partner can't tolerate discomfort, it slowly erodes their confidence and the relationship.

01:25And they start thinking, maybe I am too much. Maybe I should stop bringing things up. Maybe I'm the

01:30problem. And that's how avoidant defensiveness pulls a secure partner into insecurity. Not because

01:37they were broken, but because their reality kept getting minimized. And if you're listening to this

01:41and thinking, oh, that might be me, take a deep breath. It doesn't mean that you're the bad person.

01:46It means that you've hit a growth edge. Your work is learning to tolerate feedback without turning

01:53it into a character assassination. To practice hearing this hurt and responding with, I want to

02:00understand instead of armor and a defense. Because feedback, real, honest, compassionate feedback

02:06is how relationships evolves, how trust deepens and how two people move from tension into real tenderness.

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