00:00If your husband or your parent is chronically defensive, that is emotional abuse and here's
00:06how to respond to it. First of all, if you're in a relationship with someone that's emotionally
00:11abusive or neglectful, you probably have repressed a lot of your emotions. So in a situation where
00:18they're being defensive towards you and they're always defensive, like it doesn't matter daytime,
00:24nighttime, what time you set it up, how you say it doesn't matter. They will not, they're
00:30impenetrable. You cannot get through. It would be normal for you to feel very angry. And what
00:38happens when you feel angry is your trauma response probably comes out. You over explain,
00:43you become a therapist, you shut down, you freeze, you fawn, you go inside like, oh, maybe it's my
00:49delivery. You believe what they say, et cetera, et cetera. Healing from this dynamic for you
00:56is acknowledging the anger and remembering that anger serves to show the need of a boundary.
01:04So here's how to have a boundary without being a therapist. It is, I am not interested in anything
01:11other than compassion and curiosity from you. If you're sharing how you feel with them and they're
01:17defensive as always, you stop right there, listen to your anger, be mindful in your body and notice
01:24that, right? And then you say, you don't ask questions. You don't say anything. You don't do
01:30anything other than I am not interested in anything other than compassion and curiosity from you. Come
01:36into my experience to understand me so we can connect. Now they're probably going to be defensive
01:42again and say, I'm not engaging with you until that's the case. Walk away. That's a boundary,
01:47a boundary is a statement and then followed by an action. And it's based on what you feel need and
01:53desire. You set boundaries with people that you love, that you desire to have a relationship with,
01:59but not at your expense. That's where the emotions and the needs come in because you're feeling angry
02:05and you need a boundary. You need space. You need not to remain in this trauma role of being a
02:13teacher,
02:13of being a therapist, of being a submitted, whatever, whatever. You need to align with
02:20yourself, with your emotions, needs, and desires, and for your own behavior to reflect that. And again,
02:27that's by being mindful of what you're feeling, then expressing your need and even your desire,
02:34and then taking action. That's what it looks like over and over and over again. If you want
02:40a relationship with this person.
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