00:00Listen, man, if her reaction to something within your marriage is at a 10 and you feel like it
00:03should be at like a 3, it's not that big of a deal. This is your video. You should watch
00:07this
00:07video. My first word of advice here is to pump the brakes. If you see her at a 10 and
00:12you feel
00:12like she should be at a 3, it's not that big of a deal, and you start trying to prove
00:16points around
00:16why you think it should be a 3, you're going to move her to a 12, to a 15, to
00:21a 20. She's going
00:21to get more pissed off. So pump the brakes. Good God. Second thing, there is a very high probability
00:28that her reaction is not about the objective thing that you both are pointing at, but about
00:33some subjective feeling that she is associating to the thing. Let me explain. If there is a decently
00:39long history of you saying you were going to do something for her, for your family within the
00:44relationship within the home, and then there was a lack of follow through, right? Let's say there's
00:48a history of that pattern. And then today you said you were going to go pick something up from the
00:53store on the way home from work, and you forgot, and you got home. You're like, oh man, I'm sorry.
00:58I forgot the milk. And she freaks the hell out. You think she's freaking out about the milk. She's
01:02not freaking out about the milk. She's freaking out about how it reminds her of this thing that
01:07she holds resentment toward you for. It's the subjective feeling about the thing. It's not
01:13about the milk. It's not about the thing. Does that make sense? And on top of that, if you spend
01:18the
01:18rest of your afternoon, the rest of your evening talking about how it's a jug of milk, let it go.
01:23Why are we arguing about the milk? You are going to make the problem worse because you're trying to
01:28have an objective conversation about something that you're both looking at when in reality,
01:33the conversation, the frustration, the energy in the room is about this pattern that you have showed
01:38her yet again. So the solution is not to try to lawyer up and figure out a way to convince
01:43her that
01:43the milk shouldn't be a big deal. It's to pull back a little bit, pump the brakes, and maybe recognize
01:48where that reaction is coming from. And long-term, heal the wound. If there's a pattern that holds
01:55resentment in your relationship, heal the wound, acknowledge it, call out the elephant in the room,
01:59and then bust your ass to become the type of man that she can trust when you say you're going
02:04to do
02:04something and then do it. Or hey, you can keep lawyering up and arguing over the bits and facts
02:09of the thing that's in front of you. But I promise you, it's just going to keep you guys in
02:12this cycle
02:13and circle of the same stuff. But it will be something else tomorrow that reminds her of a
02:18feeling of some frustration that has not been healed and has not been worked on within the
02:22relationship. So you can keep battling day by day about the objective things that are in front of
02:26you. Or you can take a couple steps back and look at the trajectory of your relationship and ask
02:30yourself, why does this feel more significant to her than it does to me? Why is she reacting so
02:36strongly when in this moment, I objectively can see that this is not a big deal. It might have to
02:40do
02:41with some other stuff that needs to be worked on. And if you refuse to work on those things,
02:46you're just going to keep piling more things on top because you'll keep defaulting to arguing
02:50about the objective thing. I hope that all makes sense. But I really feel like more guys need to
02:54understand that.
Comments