- 10 hours ago
Clarksons Farm S05E06
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:22As spring continued to be gloriously warm and with everything on the farm still going well,
00:30it was time for one of my favorite jobs of the year, releasing the cows back into the fields after
00:43their winter confinement and this year's release promised to be more joyous than ever.
01:00It would be fun letting the calves out. We've never done that before.
01:03No, not when they're that small.
01:04No, we've never let a calf into a field. They're going to be so happy.
01:14Lisa, if you stand, literally hold the gate here, like that, and then you can hold between like this and
01:19you'll become a fence.
01:20All you've got to do is swing out.
01:21Yeah.
01:21My big worry is endgame. It's the last we've had a conversation about him. Both Charlie and Caleb were saying,
01:27well, he's done his work now. We'll sell him or eat him. Not a chance.
01:36We are not going to eat you endgame. Don't you worry about that. Or we'll sell you.
01:41Come on. Go on. Up you go. Go on. Go on. Here we go.
01:52Here we go. Out you come.
02:00They're all out.
02:04This is just heaven. What? This is all our playground?
02:08Look at them go.
02:11I always thought the trees were put along. He got the vicar come to his house. It's interesting.
02:17It blows up. We should go to the moon.
02:19Yeah, exactly.
02:23Elsewhere, the easy care sheeps were for once living up to their name, shooting out lambs with no fuss at
02:31all.
02:36I mean, how many lambs have we got now? 60...
02:3860,000, by the list.
02:40Six, I think. I think we've got 66 lambs so far.
02:43We have many lambs.
02:44But we've lost only two, which is astounding.
02:49They are the self-cleaning oven of sheeps, these.
02:52They're amazing.
02:54The whole point is this, you know, triangular head so that the lamb can slither out of it more easily.
03:03Birth passage.
03:05Oh, hello. Something's coming out. Yep, something is now coming out. There we go.
03:10Yes, there's something glistening at the back.
03:11It is, yeah. It should be a lamb.
03:15Well, it's not going to be a piglet, is it?
03:18Come on, push.
03:19Yeah.
03:19You've got a head like a Toblerone. It should come out very smoothly.
03:23Oh, no, it's out! It's out! It's out!
03:26It's actually out!
03:28Oh, no, another one's coming. Look!
03:30Hey, can you see? There's the second one.
03:32I can see!
03:33Oh...
03:33Wiggling around.
03:34Yeah.
03:35Okay, she's popped two out now. Right, she's going to have to get up now to offer her bosoms to
03:41her newborn infants.
03:43All right.
03:44Two have come out.
03:45Okay.
03:47I think she's stuck, isn't she?
03:49Look, she's trying to get...
03:50Yeah, she's stuck.
03:51Are you going to help her?
03:52Just go and push her up, mate.
03:54Right, so all the lambs that have been born, we haven't had to get involved in any of them.
03:58The first one I decide to have a look at, then she needs her help.
04:02But she definitely does, because she's not...
04:07Hello, there she is, and...
04:08Oh, she's up.
04:09Oh, that yellow one, look how... that looks a bit stressed.
04:12Isn't the yellow a sign of stress?
04:14Yeah, stress.
04:15It's adrenaline.
04:16So, obviously, the first one come flying out, and the second one was a little bit behind.
04:20Only about three minutes.
04:21Really?
04:21Yeah.
04:22Well, look how easy that is, eh?
04:24You do like these sheep, don't you?
04:26This is my type of lamin, lamin at a distance.
04:30But the lamb births were nothing compared to what was going on in the snail shed.
04:35Which had literally turned into the set of a 1970s porn film.
05:02The rumpy-pumpy had been so prolific that Lisa now had thousands of newborn snails living in the garden she'd
05:11created in one year.
05:12One of the polytunnels.
05:15They're incredible.
05:16They're just like white egg, and then suddenly, you've got antennae, you've got shells.
05:22You guys are amazing.
05:24You have grown well.
05:25You've grown beautifully.
05:30Meanwhile, out in the fields, Caleb was doing some variable-rate fertilising.
05:37And positively swooning about our new high-tech crop management systems.
05:44I think I'm putting 140 kg on a hectare.
05:47It fluctuates the whole thing for me, opening and shuts the thing as when needed.
05:51This is awesome.
05:53And thanks to the wonders of my mission control centre, I could boss him about from the comfort of my
06:00office chair.
06:03I'm farming.
06:05In the same way those guys in Houston, in Apollo 13, were astronauts when they were sitting watching the astronauts
06:12at work.
06:12So here he is.
06:13This is essentially the dashboard of his tractor appearing on one of my screens.
06:20This is where he is as he applies the nitrogen fertiliser.
06:27Right, Apollo, Caleb, this is Houston control.
06:33Hello, mate.
06:34That's not how astronauts talk.
06:37Right, I have you at 140 kg per hectare on my readout here.
06:43What, you've logged into my tractor?
06:46Certainly am.
06:47I see you at 12 kilometres an hour.
06:50Yeah, I'm going 12k because this field is the one that you ploughed and the one that you fucked up.
06:55Do you remember?
06:56That's not how you address the head of mission control.
06:59I am Ed Harris.
07:01You will have some respect.
07:03Apologies, sir. Over.
07:06You don't have to say apologies, sir.
07:09Call me flight.
07:10That's what you call the man who sits in the white waistcoat in Apollo 13.
07:15Apologies, flight. Over.
07:18And you don't say over.
07:20Course correction coming up in approximately 20.
07:24That's two zero seconds.
07:26Course correction in approximately...
07:28I fucking love this mission.
07:30Jim Lovell never said...
07:31Actually, you know what I've just realised?
07:32I actually love farming this way.
07:34You sat in that office.
07:35I'm out here doing stuff.
07:37You're nowhere to be seen.
07:38This is bliss!
07:40He's forgotten to turn this side of his foot spreader on, look.
07:44Please tell him he continues to forget.
07:46Look, he's got 150 going out one side.
07:48Nothing going out the other.
07:51You might want to turn the left side of your foot spreader on, mate.
07:56No, my left side's on.
07:58I'm about to put it on any second.
07:59Now the right side, you mean?
08:01Good job I reminded you.
08:05Mate, you're driving over a line you've already driven on.
08:09I know you're a fucking idiot.
08:13Jesus!
08:15Thank you, flight. Over.
08:16There you go. See, he's killing that a bit now.
08:22Sadly, on our new high-tech farm, one machine had been left behind.
08:30Thanks to its never-ending list of technical faults coupled to the arrival of the Agbot,
08:36the green Lambo hadn't turned a wheel in weeks.
08:41So I decided to sell it.
08:43Monday, so we had about 260 tractors there, machinery.
08:46260?
08:47Yeah, 260.
08:47Which meant getting it valued by an agricultural auctioneer.
08:53It's a magnificent beast, as you can see.
08:56How many hours is it done?
08:57Well, I bought it at 3,150, and I think it's now up to 3,300.
09:03So it's, you know, it's a very low-mileage example.
09:06Yes.
09:08Um...
09:09Sat-nav?
09:09Sat-nav.
09:10Trelleberg tires.
09:12Aircon, obviously.
09:13And if you want to step in and have a look to see if there's anything...
09:18Yeah, I want a look.
09:18Uh, what can you tell me about?
09:19Tell me anything you want.
09:21You happy if I start it off?
09:22Yeah, yeah.
09:26Smooth.
09:27Powerful.
09:28There's a...
09:30Um...
09:31There's a couple of lights on there.
09:33Yeah, but they're minor.
09:35Service alarm.
09:37Yeah, there's a...
09:38It's a small alarm that sometimes happens.
09:41Distributors not available.
09:43What distributors?
09:45Okay, that's a new one.
09:47Engine alarm, coolant level.
09:49It's doing a lot of beeping now.
09:51It could just be a loose wire and cost 15p.
10:00So...
10:00I'd be quite keen to hear what you think...
10:04We'd get for it.
10:05Not the easiest thing to sell in the world, I'll be honest.
10:08Uh...
10:09But I would look somewhere in the region between 50 and 60,000.
10:16It's...
10:17Quite a lot less than I pay for it.
10:21Why is it quite a lot less than I paid for it?
10:24Um...
10:24What did you pay for it?
10:2580.
10:26Okay.
10:27And I thought that was a bargain.
10:29Did you?
10:29Yes.
10:31Um...
10:32We could achieve a bit more, but I think we want to set it at a reasonable level.
10:35What would you set it out? Between 50 and 60?
10:37Yeah.
10:37It's quite a big gap.
10:38Yeah, I would set it somewhere around 50 to be as competitive as possible.
10:42So not 60, 50?
10:43Yes.
10:46Having done a pretty poor selling job on the auctioneer...
10:51I went to the pub to meet Nick the chef.
10:54I mean, I'm hoping it's a nice...
10:56Because I wanted to host a dare night, where we'd serve food that people wouldn't normally want to eat.
11:04And initially, I did a pretty poor job of selling that too.
11:11There are issues with it.
11:12The main issue is that, like, the pub is busy.
11:15It serves 600 to 700 people a day, and it serves them with food that they like.
11:19And what you're proposing is that we'll serve fewer people with food that they don't like.
11:26That's one way of looking at it.
11:29It's the way of looking at it.
11:30It's specifically what you want to do.
11:33Well...
11:33Okay.
11:33It can be done.
11:34It can be done.
11:35I really want to do it.
11:36Yeah.
11:37Because I just think there's a lot of food going to waste in this country.
11:40And you are right.
11:41You are right.
11:41That needn't.
11:42That needn't go to waste.
11:44And also, I think it's important, particularly in light of the fact that meat prices are going through the roof.
11:52Yeah.
11:52A lot of money.
11:53There are cuts of meat that are way cheaper than that.
11:57And a lot of people are being forced into vegetarianism that don't need to be forced into something that awful.
12:05It's definitely doable.
12:07I mean, we're going to serve...
12:08If it's, like, a special event like Goose Night, then we'll probably have 120 seats max.
12:14But can we just discuss the menu?
12:16Just tell me, what can we have?
12:17So, realistically, can you do tripe in milk and onions?
12:20We can do tripe.
12:22I don't used to.
12:22Can you do sheep's heart?
12:24We can do sheep's heart.
12:26Have you ever cooked pig's ears?
12:27Yeah.
12:28Snails.
12:29We've got to do snails, by the way, because we've now got quite a few of them at the farm.
12:33We've just had 2,000 born.
12:36How's a snail born?
12:37They lay eggs.
12:38And the egg, it's quite extraordinary to watch.
12:41This little white egg, like caviar.
12:44Hey, I'll tell you what, you can actually eat the eggs.
12:47We could call it the snail caviar.
12:49Yeah, 100%.
12:50So, snail caviar, we're good on.
12:52We're looking at sheep's brains.
12:54Is that a step too far for you or not?
12:56I've never had sheep's brains.
12:57I wonder if you can take a sheep's brain out and it's still alive.
13:02You know what I mean?
13:02The laws on animal welfare.
13:03Technically, I don't think a sheep would notice that its brains come out for a good month.
13:08So, brains, tripe and onions, snail caviar.
13:13Yeah, fantastic.
13:14Could we do bat?
13:16Eating bats didn't see us well a few years ago, did they?
13:18True.
13:19That got bad PR.
13:28As the spring days ticked by, our crops began to fill out nicely.
13:42But over in the onion and beetroot field, still the smartest field in the Cotswolds, this.
13:48Yeah.
13:48The growth was a little harder to spot.
13:53Hey, look there.
13:54That little green thing.
13:56That's a weed.
13:56Oh.
13:57Okay.
13:58There's the red beets.
13:59Look, there it is.
14:00Can you see how small it is?
14:01Oh, yeah.
14:02It's red.
14:03There it is.
14:03It's coming.
14:04It's coming.
14:05It's coming out.
14:06It's coming out like that.
14:07It's unwrapping itself.
14:08But it's coming.
14:09Yeah.
14:10So, that's good news.
14:11What about the onions?
14:13We have to go quite a long way for the onions.
14:15Now, I'm king for that.
14:16I want to see if the onions are taken.
14:17I really want these to grow.
14:19I want to be the onion king of Chipping Norton.
14:22Look at the Agbot missed his bit of roller, look.
14:24No, no, no.
14:26That's the divine.
14:27Oh, that's the next one.
14:28So, that's how we'd tell we didn't miss it.
14:30Take it back.
14:31No, I'm not doing that.
14:32That's how we know when the red onions start and the beetroots finish.
14:36Uh, this is good news.
14:39I've found the onions.
14:40There it is.
14:41Just there, look.
14:42That?
14:43That is an onion.
14:44I'm pleased with their start.
14:45Okay.
14:46Well, that's good news.
14:48The only cloud on the horizon was that there weren't any clouds on the horizon.
14:55Weeks had passed since it had last rained.
15:00But Charlie wasn't overly worried.
15:03Um, it cools down next week a bit.
15:05And then we hopefully get some rain in the next couple of weeks and it will just keep
15:08So you reckon, just give me a time, you know I like a date and a time.
15:12When do we have to have some rain by?
15:14This will be alright for two or three weeks.
15:16Oh, will it?
15:17Mmm, I think so.
15:17Because it's going to cool down next week.
15:23There was obviously a bit of moisture in the soil because a few days later some weeds began to appear.
15:32But these were quickly dealt with by the droid.
15:38A process that Caleb found absolutely fascinating.
15:52Me though?
15:54I was looking for something to do.
15:57Hey!
15:58Come and have a look at this.
16:02So I've just been on the government's website, the government's, and it says, there's a whole thing here on large
16:09leaky wooden dams, or woody dams, okay?
16:12So it says, it slows the movement of water, stores water, stops flooding downstream, blah, blah, blah.
16:19And they're prepared to pay for us to do it.
16:22They pay us to do it?
16:24They pay us to slow the water down.
16:26How much?
16:28Well, that's why I've called you over.
16:33£764.42p for each dam?
16:35Yeah.
16:36They're thinking we'll be like human beavers.
16:39The beavers don't make completely watertight hoover dams, do they?
16:43They just slow the water down.
16:44They just slow the water down.
16:46All we need to do, go down there, just lob a few of those logs in the stream.
16:50Lob them all in in a sort of arrangement.
16:53Yeah.
16:54It helps delay the passage of flood water downstream.
16:57Yeah.
16:57Allows sediment to settle out, and reduces downstream flood risk.
17:02Let's just go and do it.
17:03We'll just go and do it.
17:04There's 700 and...
17:05I can send Starmer a bill this afternoon for 750.
17:07No, no, no. 7,000.
17:09Could we go to bill 10?
17:10Could we go to bill 10?
17:11As I've been saying for a long time, this Labour government, bloody good.
17:16Bloody good.
17:17Well done, Starmer.
17:23The next morning, Caleb and I headed off to one of the streams in what was the first proper outing
17:29for my snazzy new UTV.
17:35Hill descent on.
17:37I must admit, it's very comfortable in here.
17:42At the stream, we found the makings of a dam that nature had already started, and identified some branches and
17:51shrubbery that we could use to improve it.
17:54Right, so my plan is, if we clear away that stuff up there, the flotsam and jetsam will come down
18:01here, wedge against what's already here...
18:05Yeah.
18:05...and nature built it.
18:07Yeah.
18:07...a leaky woody dam.
18:10There was, however, one serious sticking point.
18:15I'm just loath to do this unless Amazon has sent some trained divers to rescue us in case we drown.
18:21Yeah.
18:21That's a big puddle.
18:24Oh, thank God.
18:26We've got them.
18:27Did you hear that?
18:28Amazon Health and Safety.
18:30Are you by a stream?
18:31Yeah.
18:32You have to have trained divers.
18:35To be fair, it's probably a good idea, because if you fell over and out, I couldn't save you.
18:37I couldn't save you.
18:38It's too deep.
18:39I know.
18:40Knowing we were now safe, we could get cracking.
18:43Hacking into all these shrubbery and foliage upstream.
18:48Which meant bringing back the diddly squat machine of devastation.
18:56Gaging rotors.
19:09It deserved the path being created.
19:15Once the Robo Mulcher had daintily made its way down to the water,
19:24it got straight to work.
19:32It's진.
19:38It got straight to work.
19:39Mince.
19:42Mince on toast.
19:45Yes!
19:48I was very rude about this in the last series.
19:50He said it was my second favourite machine on Earth.
19:53I was wrong. It's back at number one.
20:01Hey, Kay. Hi, Lisa.
20:04Right, let's just have a quick look at what we've achieved here.
20:08So, all this flotsam is going to wash away and jam up
20:12in that beavery-type dam there,
20:15and thus creating a slow-moving bit,
20:17which is what you want to try and achieve.
20:20While the said flotsam made its way downstream,
20:24I set about clearing some branches
20:26with yet another tool of wonderment.
20:33Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!
20:37Did you see that?
20:40Oh.
20:43With the pesky branches cleared away,
20:47we then had to remove a fallen tree,
20:50which meant I could try out my new UTV's winch.
20:55Keep going. Keep going.
20:58OK.
20:59Tree removal units.
21:06Bleeding, eh?
21:07Look at this.
21:07There's a big old tree coming out.
21:10Keep coming a little more.
21:12Keep coming. Keep coming.
21:13Keep coming.
21:16Well, that'll do perfect there.
21:25That machine is amazing.
21:28The last job was to chop the tree up
21:30to make some bigger logs for the dam.
21:35And by the close of play,
21:37we were better off to the tune of 764 pounds
21:41and 42 pence.
21:44OK. All right. Let's go back.
21:45For tea and medals.
21:47Do you know what we're actually making, accidentally?
21:50A really good poo sticks river.
21:53What's that?
21:55Oh, for fuck's sake.
22:05The next morning, as we set off to build a second dam,
22:09we had two passengers
22:11who loved the UTV even more than I did.
22:15Hello, dog.
22:17Come here.
22:21They've had it.
22:22You know, I told you at the weekend,
22:23I took them out in this,
22:25I got them out,
22:26and they jumped straight back in
22:28and refused to get out of it.
22:30Why?
22:30They just loved.
22:31They liked it so much.
22:31They just loved going along in it.
22:35First of all, we had to load up with some logs,
22:38which we'd used to make dam number two.
22:44Best day ever.
22:45Come on, out you come.
22:47Come on.
22:48Good dogs.
22:50Wanna put this one in?
22:51It's quite a nice one to lay in, isn't it?
22:52Look.
22:52Oh.
22:54Out.
22:55Get out.
22:56Arya.
22:56No, no.
23:00Arya.
23:00Come here.
23:01Come here.
23:02Come here.
23:09Fungus eyes.
23:12Fuck.
23:16What are we going to do about this?
23:18Sansa.
23:18Arya.
23:19Come here.
23:20Come here.
23:21Now stay.
23:23Having loaded up the logs,
23:25we headed off to our next damn site.
23:32This is fun.
23:34Seven hundred and sixty-four pounds is what it is.
23:38Hello.
23:40Sar, the island.
23:42All right.
23:44Um, you're building a dam.
23:46Well, we're building, specifically, a leaky woody dam.
23:50Excuse me.
23:50Large leaky.
23:51Large leaky woody dam.
23:52Because, you won't be able to argue with this, gov UK.
23:57RP 33.
23:59Yeah.
23:59You found a grant.
24:00How much you'll be paid?
24:02Seven hundred-odd quid.
24:04Seven hundred and sixty-four pounds forty-two.
24:06For each dam.
24:08Yeah.
24:08So we're going to build one here.
24:10Yeah.
24:10One where?
24:11One there.
24:11Yeah.
24:12One across there.
24:13Five metres apart.
24:14About that.
24:16So we reckon, even in the bit of stream I cleared out the other day,
24:19what, a hundred yards?
24:20We could probably get about seven grand.
24:22That's great.
24:23That's really good.
24:24And what did the catcher and sensitive farming officer say?
24:27Hmm?
24:28What?
24:29You need approval.
24:31What do you mean you need approval?
24:32It says that it's between three and five metres wide.
24:37Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:37Hello.
24:37That's how you must do it.
24:39Yeah.
24:40It says what you must do.
24:42Yes, it's got to be between three and five metres wide.
24:45What you must do.
24:46Speak to catchment-sensitive farming about holding the water structure and action plan.
24:51So you need to speak to them.
24:52I didn't read that.
24:53For fuck's sake.
24:55And before they come, we'll have to remove that.
24:58Because you don't get paid for something you've done.
25:00You have to get approval, and then they give you the grant.
25:03And then you do the work.
25:05Well, I'm not going to.
25:05We'll just take them to another bit of the stream where we haven't done anything.
25:08And then bring them back down here after.
25:09They won't know the difference.
25:11They won't know the difference.
25:12But didn't I find this actually...
25:14No, no, no, no.
25:14We need to follow the rules.
25:16We can do it.
25:17You know, do it properly.
25:18I like your idea.
25:19Okay, let's do it.
25:20No.
25:21Okay, then.
25:22I will stop the environmental work.
25:25Important environmental work that we've been doing.
25:27Am I getting all these out, then, or what?
25:29No.
25:30We don't have to show them this bit.
25:31We'll just say there was a storm, and they got blown here.
25:34The lovely chopped wood.
25:36Well, yeah, we chopped them down, and then they rolled down the bank here.
25:42After Charlie had temporarily kibossed the dam project, Caleb and I headed east.
25:51To see how much the green Lambo would make at the auction.
26:00Do you just get giddy at these kind of events?
26:03I love it.
26:04There's got to be at least five million pounds worth a kit here.
26:07More.
26:07Let it go.
26:09Caleb was probably right, because up for sale was everything from high-end tracked tractors
26:17to characters from Pixar.
26:21They actually drive all the tractors through.
26:23Looks like it.
26:25Well, I hope they don't drive mine through.
26:27You're like beeping.
26:28Imagine.
26:29Right, morning, ladies and gentlemen.
26:31Welcome to Cambridge Machinery Cell.
26:33So, we'll start here.
26:34We start at Lot 3000.
26:35We're running up and down.
26:36We took our seats, and I prepared myself for the usual bout of undecipherable auctioneer noises.
26:44That's 1,500.
26:45That's 1,500.
26:45That's 1,500.
26:46That's 2,500.
26:48That's 1,500.
26:48That's 2,500.
26:48That's 2,500.
26:49That's 1,500.
26:51That's 1,500.
26:52It's back in the room now.
26:52This is like being in a cinema listening to a German film without subtitles.
26:57Do you not understand it?
26:59It's not iCat.
27:01Happily, there was a screen which I could use as a sort of rural Google translate.
27:07Uh, 74,000.
27:08Sold.
27:12Not long now?
27:14No.
27:15We'll know when it's coming along, because we'll hear it beeping.
27:19Armrest alert.
27:20I'm joking.
27:21Service alert.
27:22I'm joking.
27:22I'm joking.
27:22And he goes this tunnel away then.
27:23Uh, 46,000.
27:25Ladies and gentlemen, Lot 12, 46.
27:27The TTV Agritron 50k machine.
27:29Here it is.
27:37Here now.
27:41You are buying this tractor as it stands purely.
27:46There we go.
27:47There's going to be a frenzy of living.
27:50Frenzy.
27:50Good spec machine.
27:51How do you value it?
27:53Put me in.
27:5360,000 for you surely.
27:5560,000.
28:0430, thank you sir.
28:0530,000 pounds to start at 30,000.
28:0730,000, fuck off.
28:0831, 32, 32, 33, 33, 34, 35, 35, 36, 36, 37, 37, 38.
28:16I can't even see what it is.
28:17At 40,000, 41.
28:19At 41, never to 41, 42.
28:21At 42, never to 42, 43.
28:23What do you think?
28:23Every time they go over 1,000 pounds, less my year loss.
28:2550,000.
28:26At 50,000 a bit then at 51.
28:27Let's do that.
28:2850,000.
28:2950,000.
28:3455,000 a bit.
28:3455,000 a bit.
28:3555,500.
28:36New bidder now.
28:3756,000.
28:3856,500.
28:39They obviously haven't seen the program.
28:4167,500.
28:4357,500.
28:43The poor fellow in there.
28:44Having a beeping.
28:48He's got plenty of police sell this fucking thing before I go dead.
28:5265,000 a bit.
28:5365,500.
28:5565,500.
28:5565,500.
28:56He's back.
28:56We were actually getting closer to the 80,000 that I'd paid for it.
29:00That's 70,500.
29:02That's 70,500.
29:02We're not done yet.
29:03That's 70,500.
29:04We're down to 70,500.
29:06That's 70,500.
29:09That's 70,500.
29:18It hammers up.
29:20Fair one again on then.
29:21What?
29:23That's the best that tractor's ever looked.
29:25Yeah.
29:26Going away.
29:34Back at Diddley Squat, there was still no sign of any rain.
29:39Thank you very much.
29:40Good morning to you.
29:42The dry smell of weather is set to continue, certainly through today, certainly through the
29:47weekend, and for the first part of next week.
29:50Lots of dry weather.
29:51Lots of sunshine.
29:52But Charlie wasn't panicking yet, so I got on with some matchmaking.
29:58Look, the light's even red.
30:00It was a nice romantic flavor.
30:02Aria was on heat, and therefore ready to spend some time with her boyfriend, Rodeo, so
30:10they could make some puppies.
30:12Here comes Rodeo.
30:13Oh, Rodeo.
30:14Look, we need a church for the wedding, darling.
30:16Where should we do it?
30:18Do we take them off the lead or keep them on?
30:20No, I think.
30:20Come on, Rodeo.
30:22Oh, there we go.
30:23Wrong, wrong, that's her face.
30:24That's her face.
30:25That's in the eye.
30:25That's her face, Rodeo.
30:26That's her face.
30:28Can we all not laugh, please?
30:29It's not funny, but it's still her face.
30:32No.
30:33She's lifting her tail.
30:34That's a good sign.
30:35No.
30:36See, there we go.
30:38Welcome to Clarkson's dog porn.
30:41It's a new three-part series.
30:43Called Only Doggy.
30:44Where dogs...
30:46Ah, finally.
30:47That's the right way around.
30:47Yes.
30:48Is he in?
30:49No, you're not in.
30:50He's not in.
30:50He's not in.
30:51No, it's just nowhere near in.
30:53Oh, he's come all over our back.
30:55Oh, God.
30:56Shh.
30:58Aria really likes it, though.
30:59She really does.
31:00Yes.
31:01He's licking her ear.
31:03I like that bit.
31:04Yeah, that's nice.
31:05Yeah, that's very sweet.
31:06Come on, Rodeo.
31:07There we go.
31:08Here we go.
31:08There we go.
31:09There we go.
31:11There we go.
31:12That's a bit more promising.
31:22So, what are your plans for this evening?
31:23Well, I don't know.
31:24Palates.
31:25I thought for tonight we'd have...
31:26I've got some prawns.
31:28I'd probably get that one.
31:29Oh, that's a good idea.
31:30Yeah.
31:32Eventually, nature did take its course.
31:37And later that day, I was able to get to the pub to see Nick.
31:43Because it was now just over 24 hours before dare night.
31:49So, are you across the day and night menu?
31:52Yeah, 100%.
31:53Like, um...
31:53And you don't foresee any...
31:56Um, do you have snail caviar?
31:59Yes.
32:00But there is one tiny weeny hurdle, which is called Lisa, who believes that the snail eggs, which is the
32:11caviar, she believes that they're going to be used to breed more snails to create her face and hand cream.
32:18So, I'm going to have to steal her eggs without her noticing.
32:25If I ask her, she'll just say no.
32:28How much do you need, do you think?
32:31We're going to need about 22 ounces, we reckon, which is quite a lot.
32:36All right.
32:39Given how small the eggs were, that did indeed sound like a lot.
32:44So, back in Lisa's snail garden, I helped myself to pretty much everything I could find.
32:52Removing the mud.
32:54Now then, tweezers.
32:57On a scale of how delicate you need to be, you've got diffusing a nuclear weapon, then eye surgery on
33:04a child, and then at the very top, creating snail caviar.
33:09Right.
33:10I can't afford to break a single one of these eggs, not a single one.
33:20Jesus Christ, this is...
33:23Decanting the eggs proved to be such a fiddly job, that I had to ramp up my eyewear.
33:31LAUGHTER
33:32I literally can't see anything.
33:41Tastes pretty good.
33:43What is it? Oh, that is.
33:45I thought, oh, that's a soup spoon.
33:50Where's the... Oh, that is.
33:53Let's just see how much we've got there.
33:58Oh, come on.
34:00That is an... exactly an ounce of snail eggs in there.
34:05One ounce.
34:06We need 20 times more than that.
34:18The following day, dare night day, I delivered my contraband to Nick and our new head chef, Max.
34:28Bad news is, I wasn't able to get as many bits of caviar as you wanted.
34:34I've only got 15.
34:37Kind of need a little teaspoon or something, don't we, to taste this?
34:40Well, we can't really afford to taste it, can we?
34:44We haven't got one.
34:44Well, we haven't got one.
34:47Do you take care of these?
34:49No, we will.
34:49Because my testes are going to be ripped off when Lisa finds out where we got them from.
34:56I then went inside to say hello to an old friend.
35:00Hey!
35:01Hello!
35:02Thomas!
35:03Who'd agreed to supply a palate cleanser for customers who weren't enjoying the dishes on offer.
35:10Are you okay? Everything good?
35:12Yeah, no, I'm very good.
35:14Thomas had originally appeared in the second series of Clarkson's Farm when he'd cooked up some chili jam for the
35:20farm's shop.
35:22What the hell?
35:23Fucking hell.
35:24Back then, his fiery concoction measured 4 million on the Scoville heat scale.
35:30Oh my giddy ass.
35:35But for dare night, he'd gone a bit further than that.
35:39This is very hot. This is like 9 million.
35:44And this is 15 million Scoville's unit.
35:4715?
35:4815.15.
35:5015 million?
35:51Yeah.
35:52Jesus.
35:53This is the best hot in the world now.
35:55In the world?
35:56Yeah.
35:57You make you crazy in a mouth.
36:00But if you drank all that, it would kill you?
36:02Maybe not kill you, but you have little trouble in the stomach, everywhere.
36:07So your bottom would be broken?
36:10Yeah.
36:10Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd be broke.
36:12On the basis I couldn't serve something that I hadn't tried myself, I decided to sample the 15 million version.
36:23You're already or not?
36:26Which way?
36:27No.
36:27The smallest.
36:29The smallest.
36:29The tiniest amount of that.
36:36Oh, man.
36:37Not since Oppenheimer has anyone been as scared by their own creation as you are by that.
36:43Okay, Jeremy.
36:44Come on.
36:44What are we doing?
36:45Okay.
36:46Hit it.
36:47Tiny, tiny bit.
36:49Oh.
36:50No.
36:51It's not too much.
36:52This is too much.
36:53No, stop it.
36:54Stop it.
36:54That's far too much.
36:56Here we go.
36:56Okay, cheers.
37:08What do you think?
37:09Maybe it's not too much.
37:12Yes, it is.
37:13Oh.
37:15Oh.
37:23This is a big booleting gap.
37:25Holy fucking hell.
37:28What's that?
37:30Oh.
37:33Oh, my.
37:36We're just biting them.
37:38Oh, shit, man.
37:42Oh.
37:43Oh, shit.
37:45Oh, God.
37:48Oh, my ears just...
37:49It's actually burned my...
37:51Oh, God, my ear.
37:54Oh, my fucking ear.
37:56Oh, yo, yo, yo.
38:09It's fucking hot.
38:12Oh.
38:13I apologize.
38:17Oh, okay.
38:20Now better.
38:22Having worked out that the chili sauce was survivable...
38:26Oh, well.
38:28...and could therefore be served, I went to the kitchen.
38:33Which was now a hive of dare-night activity.
38:38Well, then, guys, how are we looking?
38:40We've got a lot in the plates. Good to go.
38:41The chefs were prepping sheep's hearts, brains, and pig's ears.
38:47And Nick himself was attending to one of the menu's star terms.
38:54Squirrel.
38:55Yeah, the squirrel.
38:56And how are we cooking it?
38:58We're going to flour it and deep fry it.
39:00Wild garlic, loads of salt and pepper, a little bit of a marinade on it, seasoned flour, crispy.
39:04Yeah.
39:05Crispy...
39:05Crispy squirrel.
39:07I'm guessing people will be finding this particular scene not to their taste, but...
39:13But this is...
39:14I mean...
39:15Those are wild, free-range animals, so...
39:18You are 100% better off to eat this than a battery-farm chicken.
39:20Like, this had a great life, and then somebody, as you can see, who's a fucking great shot...
39:24Well, look, get it in the back of the head.
39:25Like, yeah.
39:26Head shot.
39:27I mean, that, yeah.
39:28Where's its penis?
39:30No, those are its...
39:31Oh, that's its penis.
39:32I mean, it might have massive bollocks, but it's...
39:34But why has it got such enormous testes with such an incredibly small pipe?
39:38Classical chef training doesn't cover the full squirrel anatomy, to be honest with you.
39:42So, I can't answer you that question.
39:43I think that's gonna be...
39:44That's gonna have to be Googled.
39:47I left the chefs to it.
39:51And, come early evening, after the guests had arrived...
39:57I talked everyone through the point of the event.
40:03Good evening, everybody.
40:06Good evening.
40:07Good evening, and thank you all very much for coming to the first of what we hope will
40:10be many dare food nights at the Farmer's Dog.
40:13It's a fun night, of course.
40:14But there's actually a serious bit of thinking behind this.
40:18Because, as I'm sure you've noticed, if you've been to a...
40:21Even a supermarket or a butcher shop recently, meat is getting expensive.
40:2642 quid for a leg of lamb in my own butcher shop.
40:31That's a huge amount of money.
40:33Steak is expensive.
40:34Beef prices are riding incredibly high right now.
40:37It's getting to the point where meat is becoming a luxury good.
40:41Which is why we're all here tonight.
40:43We're gonna be trying animals that you probably have never eaten before.
40:47Or we're gonna be trying cuts of meat that you probably don't ordinarily eat.
40:51Just, all I would give you is one word of advice.
40:55Is sometimes the texture of what you're eating feels odd.
40:58Because you're used to eating steak and chicken and pork and lamb and so on.
41:02But get past that.
41:04Think, okay, I'm not eating phlegm.
41:07It feels like I am.
41:09But actually the taste is delicious.
41:11And once you start doing that, I hope you'll go away.
41:15And the next time you're in a butcher shop go,
41:17Actually, you know what, I will have tripe.
41:19I will have this.
41:20I will have that.
41:20I will try something.
41:21And it is a damn sight cheaper.
41:25Thank you for listening, everybody.
41:26And, um, let's have some fun.
41:32I love that caviar up here now, Louie.
41:43First pizza right to me.
41:48Lisa and I were hosting on our table David the butcher,
41:52Charlotte, Caleb, Charlie.
41:56We didn't like a drink.
41:57And Annie, who wasn't looking forward to the evening one little bit.
42:03Are we good to start sending?
42:06So this, in each tin, we have snail caviar with the blinis.
42:12Is that sour cream, guys?
42:14No.
42:14Clem fresh.
42:15Clem fresh, okay.
42:17Right then, boys, coming through.
42:20So exciting.
42:27So what we have here, ladies and gentlemen, are your snails with garlic butter,
42:32and then snail caviar.
42:34Get poles down there.
42:35Get them in.
42:36And then we can just pole them if, um...
42:39Can I just say, raise our glass to Lisa for growing these snails and the caviar.
42:44Right then, Lisa.
42:45Well, thank you, Lisa.
42:47So what do I do?
42:48How do I eat this?
42:50Sort of...
42:52You would have popped them between your teeth.
42:54Well, that is Gina.
42:56That is...
42:56I'm a big fan.
42:59The diners gamely tucked into the snails and snail caviar.
43:04Is that all right?
43:06Happy with a snail?
43:08Happy with a snail?
43:08Happy with a snail.
43:08Which was a bit of a relief, because the next course took things up a gear.
43:15It looks like KFC.
43:17It looks like KFC.
43:17We've changed it, though, to Cotswold Fried Squirrel.
43:19Look, it's a CFS.
43:21There is a...
43:22Look, Lisa, you look convinced.
43:39That's...
43:39The fucking smell.
43:41The smell is horrible.
43:42It stinks.
43:44It stinks.
43:45It smells like a pet shop.
43:48I just put it like that.
43:49I have washed my hands twice.
43:51I just feel all I can smell.
43:52The squirrel.
43:54Do you like the squirrel?
43:55One, two...
43:56Oh, a few people like the squirrel.
43:59Okay.
43:59That's the smell.
44:01Yeah, the smell.
44:02But listen, it's the uterus next, everybody, so...
44:05Yay!
44:08Right, then.
44:09Next course.
44:11Are we good to start sending?
44:12You have your pig's ears and your uterus.
44:20Why are not?
44:22What, the uterus?
44:23No.
44:24Pig's ears.
44:25Mmm.
44:26I'm with you on the pig's ear.
44:27So, we've got a lamb's brain here.
44:30Stuffed heart.
44:31Oh, I love heart.
44:32The lamb's brain is absolutely delicious.
44:35It's really good.
44:36Do you remember when, um, Anthony Hopkins ate Ray Liotta?
44:41Yes.
44:42Yeah, and at the end of, um, Hannibal,
44:45he ate Ray Liotta's brains while he was still alive.
44:48It spreads quite well.
44:50You're getting lamb's brain, Annie?
44:52I'm a pig.
44:53You?
44:54Annie, you are the champion of farm shops.
44:56You are literally the queen of it.
44:59And so far, your place is entirely untouched by food.
45:02Is there anything you like?
45:05Have you tried the heart?
45:06Have you smelled it?
45:08You're gonna have to eat something, Annie.
45:10What is?
45:12Is this your first step?
45:19But no, lamb's brains.
45:21It's not a big meal.
45:23That explains everything.
45:23How thick they are.
45:27As Annie decided she didn't like brains either,
45:32I went off to prep our palate cleansers.
45:36First, though, some precautions.
45:41Pass it down, everybody.
45:43We've got fire extinguishers in case your mouth catches fire.
45:47Actual fire extinguishers are full of milk.
45:51Guys, guys, guys, please.
45:53This does matter.
45:54The one with the cocktail stick in
45:56is the 15 million on the Scoville scale.
46:00The yellowy one is 7 million.
46:03The sort of reddy one in the middle is 9.
46:067 million, as I say, is very, very, very hot.
46:09Hotter than anything you will have ever tasted.
46:119, way hotter than that.
46:1515, a speck.
46:19The diners took the plunge.
46:27And then...
46:45Are you okay?
46:56Oh, that's pain.
47:02Has one of the guests deposited his cleansed palate
47:05along with quite a lot of squirrel into our flower beds?
47:10Who...
47:11We had a chat on our table about what we'd learned.
47:15I'm just thinking, if there's a one...
47:17Is there one thing from tonight we could put on the menu?
47:20Pig's ears.
47:21The feedback from people was...
47:23The pig's ears.
47:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
47:24I prefer them over Port Batchens.
47:26Snails.
47:26Snails are a winner.
47:28Charlie, no.
47:29Snails were really popular.
47:31So we just need more snails.
47:32Snail away from the snails.
47:33No, forget your hand cream.
47:35Let's just eat them.
47:36Well, listen, it was a fun night and it was good for the pub.
47:40We only killed six people, so that's not bad at all.
47:45Really?
47:47Dare night was one of those wonderful, carefree moments that had peppered our lives over the
47:54last few weeks.
47:58We'd welcomed some new additions.
48:04Taken our farm into the next century.
48:08The Starship Enterprise has just landed at Diddley Square.
48:12And generally revelled in being on the land.
48:18Look at that size.
48:20Come on.
48:22But at the beginning of May, it started to become clear that trouble was brewing.
48:32So, dry start to spring, the driest since 1956 and concerns there could be a drought this summer.
48:38Farmers are reporting that their crops are struggling after March and April saw only half their usual rainfall.
48:44Let's go to Harry Metcalfe.
48:52Three weeks ago, Charlie had said we needed some rain in the next three weeks.
49:00That time had now passed without so much as a drop.
49:08If we go 30 yards this way.
49:10And the crops were starting to struggle.
49:14Look, you see what the weather's doing?
49:16You see how that flag leaf is closed?
49:18Flag leaf is this one?
49:19Yes, correct.
49:20And that's curling round because then the little bit of moisture it's got, it protects it from the wind and
49:24the sunshine.
49:24Yep.
49:25You can actually see that the leaf is curling round.
49:28Yep.
49:29And then the yellow at the top is telling me it's under stress.
49:34Yeah.
49:34Other ones down here, like that one, they're shriveled, so they've given up.
49:38Hold on, I've got this one here.
49:39So this one...
49:39Yeah, there we go.
49:39That's a brilliant example.
49:41That's just died.
49:42So, okay, that's one...
49:44We put one seed in the ground.
49:46Yep.
49:46And it was going to produce three of these.
49:49Yep.
49:49But because it didn't rain, that one and that one have died.
49:54Yeah.
49:54Do you know Harry Metcalf?
49:56Harry's farm does a YouTube challenge.
49:58Yeah, yeah, yeah.
49:58He just farms...
49:59He was saying, because of this, we're losing, as a country, the UK, 100,000 tonnes of just wheat, not
50:08barley, just wheat, a day.
50:10And have been for a month.
50:13And the other thing about it, it's so short.
50:17I know.
50:18There's going to be no straw.
50:19That's true.
50:21There'll be no bread or straw.
50:23No.
50:24Nothing for the cattle to sit on.
50:26We do need for it to rain.
50:33The days rolled on, but the skies remained resolutely cloudless.
50:41Looks like a fucking desert out there, that.
50:43I know.
50:44I came up here the other day, I thought we were growing stones.
50:47Yes.
50:48But all that effort we went to in that field, and then God went, and you're having no rain.
50:54And with no sign of any coming, Charlie had called a meeting in the onion and beetroot field, which by
51:00now should have been showing an emerging crop.
51:07When did we put them in, a month ago?
51:10Six and a half weeks ago.
51:11Six and a half weeks.
51:12And this is all we've got so far, which is nothing.
51:15There it is.
51:17They've now just frazzled.
51:20Ah, bollocks.
51:22What are we going to do?
51:24I think, you know, particularly in these areas here, and we can band it off, I would re-drill those
51:30bits.
51:31Re-drill this?
51:32What about the onions?
51:33Yeah, over the far side.
51:34So, replant this, most of this field?
51:38Yes.
51:38Even though there's...
51:39Even though there's no moisture.
51:41Right.
51:42So, beetroots and onions, disaster.
51:46Up the Swanee, lost, because of the weather.
51:49Oh.
51:56Last year it was too wet.
51:58This year it's too dry.
52:01Jesus Christ.
52:13Look, there's the dog.
52:15Look, the dog's too.
52:16Look!
52:17Look!
52:17Dad!
52:17Dad, it is!
52:18Oh, my God!
52:21Hey, hey, hey, hey!
52:22Jesus!
52:23This guy has travelled 8,000 miles.
52:25What is he?
52:25A garden warbler.
52:28So, you were going to do the combining this year.
52:30We can't afford spillages.
52:32God's sake, Caleb.
52:34Look, there's rain in it.
52:36Shit!
52:36Go, go, go!
52:41Well, things can't get worse.
52:44I know.
52:46Uncle Bud News.
53:08I know,道路.
53:24I know.
53:36I know.
53:37I know.
53:37I know what I have to play with me.
53:37I know.
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