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Clarksons Farm S05E05
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Short filmTranscript
00:23with spring upon us we had to prepare for a couple of important events on the
00:28diddly-squat social calendar because both the cows and the easy-care sheep would soon be giving birth
00:45elsewhere our new alarm clocks were settling in nicely
00:51and the ag bot's presbyterian work ethic meant farmering was going on day and night
00:59here's the important thing to remember caleb right now tucked up in bed not willing to work
01:17in fact the ag bot had inspired me to upgrade my office
01:23so that's your office yeah still very much in the farming world but this is now a very advanced
01:31farm technological farm and i needed an office to reflect that
01:38here it is mission control holy moly the old barn clear that well i basically throw lisa out of it
01:47because she was using it as a storage for the shop cold winter's evenings we light a fire
01:54when we sit there on the two pound three-piece suite okay this is for important business meetings
02:03okay the filing cabinets are there big award but this is all these pull up a chair i'll talk you
02:12through it crows are a bit weird but crows are great it's the word you're looking for but here we
02:20go
02:20what we've got here is a total map of the farm yeah that just shows a picture of a rabbit
02:27definitely a rabbit but he's even got two ears somehow so this is 6 000 images from the drone
02:36look at the picture on that i know look at that bit you missed there there's the farm shop
02:40look at the bit you missed there look the drilling who's you you you did drill that
02:46oh i did drill that yeah yeah did i miss all that yeah have i done that you went out
02:51of seed
02:51and that oh my god i have i missed all that
02:57fuck shit we shouldn't show you this so that's all there right that is our farm now we move on
03:04to the
03:04ag bot so this is the field it's currently doing there it is then and it's presently here
03:10it is you can actually see the line it's on and putting the cultivator down
03:18look at your face
03:21okay can you just push the up and down arrow simultaneously
03:27now oh wow
03:31how far we going with it oh you're gonna hit the crow
03:34oh that'll do so now we can operate if you stand up when shit gets serious when shit gets serious
03:42we can just come and go i think this is a standing up operation lean over
03:47now look at this i've got a dashboard for the ag bot here
03:52oh engine speed 2000
03:54engine percent load at current speed 67 percent
03:58ad blue tank level 95 percent
04:00engine oil level
04:01yep
04:0182
04:0282 millimeters now i don't know whether that's good or not
04:05and then just drop down here so you just move
04:07front camera full screen there we are
04:10that's live tv coming from the front of the ag bot
04:14how cool is that look there goes the red kites look dive bombing it
04:19they're loving it because there's no new farmer in it
04:20i normally open the door beat the horn to scare them off
04:22now the other thing is each pixel is two centimeters
04:26so it's phenomenally detailed and while i was buggering them out the other day
04:31something i've noticed
04:35there that we have had a visitation
04:38from a fly tipper
04:39from a fucking fly tipper
04:41you would chuck a what is it a fridge
04:43i don't know
04:44it's a white good
04:45who would put that there
04:47out of all the places where you
04:49well we've got to go get that back
04:51and since
04:51hello you too
04:52hello mate
04:53welcome to mission control
04:56oh
04:58it's a grand they come up to now
04:59there it is going along
05:01yeah
05:03yeah
05:04these things never take over a man
05:07am i not a five minute boy that you can just take him his tea and his sandwiches out
05:11on the other hands
05:12i'd jump straight out of the bath and go out with no clothes on
05:15yeah
05:16so you're not sold on this gerald
05:19well nobody ever knows where there's ever and there's hardly nothing
05:23i can't remember what year it was
05:25but the only story with that is
05:27it just comes all keeps going over the same piece and they're coming up the top
05:31and not great in my garden planting seeds with no pants on
05:35yeah
05:36to get me perfect you know
05:38after gerald had dispensed his wisdom
05:43he went off to do a bit of tidying up
05:49because i've got the ad bot which can cultivate all by itself i'm free to do this kind of job
05:56clearing up the mess
05:58left by filthy filthy riffraff
06:03fucking fly tippers honestly
06:12i'd love to be in the mind of the people who thought
06:15we need to get rid of this fridge we'll mob it through this hedge
06:18do they not realize how much annoyance and effort and expense is needed
06:24to clear the bloody thing up again
06:28the ag bot had also created time for us to do some jobs in the woods
06:36and a big one was clearing up all the trees that had been blown over by storm dara
06:42and because the green lambo was off games with yet another technical fault
06:49i had to fire up the goat
06:54oh the jerky gear changes
06:57the complete lack of breaking it's like being back at home
07:09god it's there's more than i remember
07:11it's one two three four five six seven eight nine
07:18so there's ten from just where i'm standing here
07:22to deal with the problem i'd hired a meaty winch
07:26so this is like a this is the anchor
07:28yeah
07:30stop
07:30lower
07:33with the ground anchor lowered and the tree shackled
07:37this is gonna feel good
07:38ready?
07:39go for it
07:39we winced and dragged the first tree out of the woods
07:45yes
07:47powerful lambo
07:53yep
07:54on to the next
07:59the work was especially satisfying
08:02ha ha ha ha
08:04because caleb and i were working as a team
08:08until we weren't
08:10there's one tree
08:12stuck between two so it's fell down between two
08:14if we pull it it's gonna probably
08:16lock up
08:17right here's my plan
08:18get the winch
08:19round that tree
08:21yeah
08:22and attach it to the top
08:24that won't work
08:25well it will
08:26no it'll just pull the tree that way
08:27yes that's what i want
08:28no i don't want to do that
08:29no i do because then
08:30i don't
08:30no please be quiet
08:32no no hear me out
08:33come round this one
08:34around like that
08:35back around
08:36onto the
08:37right at the beginning of the trunk
08:38yeah
08:39yeah
08:39as you pull it should technically pull the tree like this
08:42and then we stop when we get to here
08:44use that tree there
08:45my way is easier
08:47no it's not
08:47as we were arguing the voice of reason arrived
08:51how are you
08:52how's it going
08:53quickly charlie do you think this is going to work
08:55what
08:56the logic of his thinking
08:57well i don't know what he's thinking
08:59so you're going to pull this around
09:01to the light end
09:02yes
09:02very close to it
09:03now it won't work
09:05it's going to get jammed on that tree and that tree
09:07and you're going to have a
09:07why don't you just cut it
09:09no i changed it for the week
09:11what
09:12well we've got the power
09:13the chainsaws of the week
09:15yeah
09:15i'll just stand out the way
09:18it won't work
09:20it will
09:20it won't
09:22okay
09:22we're going to do it
09:23and then if it doesn't work
09:24i've failed
09:26give me strength
09:29ready
09:29yeah
09:37that's going up
09:38i didn't do that
09:41what are you doing
09:42i'm not doing that
09:46what the fuck's it doing
09:49okay then why's it doing that
09:51i don't know
09:52press the stop button
09:58okay then
09:59press down now
10:00just press down once
10:01what
10:02press down once
10:03just press down
10:05no
10:06oh
10:07for fuck's sake
10:09after caleb
10:10had manually lowered the anchor
10:15useless
10:15i initiated
10:17my tree hauling plan
10:19ready
10:23just going to pivot round
10:24exactly as i planned
10:26exactly as i planned
10:30exactly as i planned
10:32he's going to be happy with that
10:34isn't he
10:36he's got to turn up now and say
10:38well done jeremy
10:39your plan works
10:41slack it off
10:44nothing
10:44so far nothing
10:46dry
10:48he's not going to admit that my plan works
10:50yes
10:52but i know it did
10:53i know it did
10:54i know it did
10:55i'm going to go see
10:56because i'm going
10:56my plan works
10:58i'm not going to lift this down for a long time am i
11:02sadly
11:02sadly there was no time to enjoy being right
11:05because lisa summoned me back to the farmyard
11:10she said there was a problem
11:12it was too quiet
11:19what
11:19can you hear anything
11:21no
11:24you can't hear
11:25they're not in here are they
11:26i don't know
11:27i'm going to go back here
11:36oh shit
11:38what
11:40guinea-fowl feathers
11:44oh no
11:47oh flip
11:51oh and another one
11:52oh for god's sake
11:56that's a fox isn't it
11:57just killing for fun
11:58yep
12:00how am i going to explain this
12:02granddaughter coming for the weekend
12:03can i go and see the guinea-fowl
12:05uh
12:06do you have any papers
12:06but no the good thing is
12:07we can indoctrinate her from an early age
12:09to not be trapped into that london way of thinking
12:11that foxes are sweet
12:13oh i saw a fox in wandsworth and he was so sweet
12:17no he wasn't
12:18he's a murdering bastard
12:21jeremy
12:21jeremy
12:22good news there
12:24oh one of them's
12:25one of them survived
12:26fuck that
12:27well done
12:29you can stay up there
12:31it's safe
12:32poor thing
12:33seeing his old brothers and sisters being massacred
12:40fortunately later that day
12:42there was just the job to cheer us up
12:44are any of them
12:46bagging up
12:47i think there's a couple
12:48with the cows about to give birth
12:51we needed to turn the barn into a maternity ward
12:55so lizzie the goat farmer was coming along to help us move these horned lawn mowers out into the fields
13:02afternoon all
13:03lizzie
13:04hi lizzie
13:05hello lizzie
13:06how are you
13:06what's occurring
13:07moving them
13:08the easiest way would be to use a trailer
13:11but as it was such a lovely spring afternoon i decided to go old school
13:18so they're going into a field called hollow back which is not very far away so you should be able
13:22to walk them down
13:23sorry what did you just say there
13:25walk them down
13:26it's just there
13:27what could possibly go wrong
13:29nothing honestly
13:31now here's what we're going to do
13:33alright
13:33we're going to move you into a field called hollow back
13:36which is full of lovely tasty juicy grass and you will be very happy in there
13:41so you are going to be the leader
13:42okay
13:43i wonder what the goat's thinking
13:45he's thinking what is that muppet saying to me
13:52there you go
13:54come on
13:55who said we needed a trailer
13:59hey
14:00what are you doing
14:00go that way
14:02come on
14:04come on
14:04come on
14:06come on
14:07come on
14:09that way
14:10can we not climb up there please
14:12all of you stop this
14:14do not stop this nonsense
14:15no no no no no no
14:16this is going well
14:18oh fuck
14:18go on
14:20come on
14:21shh
14:22get off
14:22This isn't working.
14:24This is your fault!
14:26Oi!
14:28Listen to this. Tasty snack.
14:31I think what's happening here is they're dining on steak
14:33and I'm offering them kale.
14:37Once they'd finished their buffet, though...
14:40Go on, off you go, go, go!
14:41...we got them headed in the right direction.
14:44Come on. Come on, you. You're in charge.
14:47I'll put you in charge.
14:48Keep going, keep going, keep going!
14:49Come on!
14:51Oh, look, now the sheep want to run, too.
14:56Hello, sheeps!
14:57That's quite a picture now, isn't it?
14:59Isn't that cool, witches?
15:01I love the fact that he's got his ag-bot
15:03and then he's moving goats like this.
15:05Come on, goats!
15:08Come on!
15:09Come on!
15:10Come on!
15:11Come on!
15:13I mean, look at that size. Come on.
15:16Come on.
15:17On the night like tonight, farming is the best job in the world.
15:25Yes! Yes!
15:28Why did I waste my life driving round corners shouting?
15:34Oh, no, I remember.
15:35I wouldn't have been able to afford to do this.
15:38That's what it is.
15:39Come on, boys! Come along!
15:40After the most delightful journey, we got the goats to their new field.
15:46That's done.
15:47Are they all in, then?
15:48Yes, I think so.
15:49Just like that.
15:51Well...
15:51That was a work of art, that was.
15:53Well, that was heavenly.
15:55The rural Lord Sugar, however, thought the whole thing was a bit of an indulgence.
16:01I thought we were kind of cut down the animals on the farm.
16:04We are cutting the animals.
16:05To streamline the farm.
16:05We are.
16:06How are we?
16:07Pigs.
16:08Yeah, okay.
16:08Right.
16:09Sheeps, eventually.
16:10And what about these?
16:11No.
16:12Why?
16:13Mainly the film crew.
16:14Well, do you actually want them here?
16:16We'll have a vote, film crew.
16:18Who wants the goats to stay?
16:19What?
16:22They're part of the crew.
16:23They're part of the crew.
16:25No, they absolutely love the goats.
16:28Yeah.
16:30Look at those two.
16:33Hey.
16:33That's like a Cadbury's Flake advert.
16:36Anyone remember that?
16:38They just used to get very, very good-looking girls
16:43to wander through a poppy field or a wheat field
16:46in lacy dresses eating a Cadbury's Flake.
16:50One of whom, I think, married Roger Taylor, the drummer and queen.
16:54I have no idea what you're on about.
16:56Did you know?
16:57Oh.
16:58I don't know what you're on about.
17:00Sometimes I just nod now.
17:06The following morning, I started the day by checking in
17:09on our one remaining guinea fowl.
17:15Hello, guinea fowl.
17:18Hello.
17:21Oh, no.
17:24For fuck's sake, this is just beyond belief.
17:31It's just bitten its head off.
17:33It hasn't even eaten it.
17:34It's just...
17:40He's had the lot.
17:45There was, though, only time to seethe, not mourn.
17:51Because today was a big day on the Agbok front.
17:59It had finished cultivating all the fields
18:01and would now be charged with the most important job of them all.
18:06Planting the seeds.
18:09Yes!
18:12We have begun.
18:13We are drilling the lager.
18:15And we're drilling it into well-prepared, well-fertilized fields on time.
18:22Once we'd finished hooking up the drill...
18:26That's like this side lined up.
18:29Yeah?
18:31The Agbot eagerly set off with the Luddite, as ever,
18:35full of praise for it.
18:37Look, it's not drilling now.
18:39Look, not drilling, not drilling, not drilling, not drilling, not drilling.
18:41Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
18:43That's all amissed.
18:45That is all amissed.
18:47Just there is amissed.
18:47It comes on when it's ready.
18:49No, that's all amissed.
18:50Just here will not grow anything.
18:52Yes.
18:54It starts blowing it out when it's ready.
18:57It will lower the thing, turn the fan on, then start when it wants to.
19:02And it's not supposed to.
19:04It'll come back over it.
19:10Despite Caleb's relentless negativity,
19:13my machine set about this new task with its usual precision.
19:18And there he goes, inch perfect again.
19:22There was one drawback with the Agbot, though.
19:25It's not allowed on the public highway.
19:28So, when it needed to get from one field to another across a road,
19:33I suspected life would be a massive faff.
19:37Where are you going now?
19:39I'm going to do Arlo's.
19:40How are you going to get down there, then?
19:42Ah.
19:44Well, I'm going to take the drill off, attach it to the Lambo,
19:49drive the Lambo down there, drop the drill off in the field,
19:54bring the Lambo back to the yard, attach it to the trailer,
19:57put the Agbot on the trailer, drive that down to Arlo's,
20:02take the Agbot off the trailer, and reattach it to the drill.
20:08That's...
20:09By the time you've done all of that, I could have completed the whole farm drilling.
20:12Yes, I know.
20:12That's why there's probably another 30 other farms.
20:16Caleb had a point.
20:17My plan would be incredibly time-consuming.
20:21And, as we're on TV, I couldn't just ignore the law.
20:25So I came up with a rather clever solution.
20:29Watch this, ready?
20:31With this simple black cloth.
20:36Right, now.
20:50Ta-da!
20:52So there we are.
20:53Just this...
20:54I don't know where these time-arts have come from.
20:56It's a mystery.
20:57Well, there we are.
20:59Onwards.
21:04Back in the world of animal farming,
21:07things were starting to happen in the cow barn.
21:12With one of the moo-call alarms alerting me that a calf was on its way.
21:23Right.
21:27It's out already.
21:31Lisa.
21:31It's out.
21:32It's here.
21:33We have a calf.
21:34Oh, come on, quick.
21:35I mean, they get a call from the moo-call saying birth imminent.
21:38It doesn't say birth has happened.
21:41Look!
21:43Endgame's first child.
21:46She's eating the placenta and doing everything properly.
21:51That is just so cool.
21:54That's a very handsome face.
21:56Beautiful.
21:57I love the way that it affects the others, like the walls.
22:00Coming in foot, look, that's rather sweet.
22:05The first calf had been born at a civilized hour.
22:10The next one, however...
22:19New-call went off at 3.15.
22:23It's now...
22:24...ten to five.
22:28Nothing.
22:29Welcome to the world of the beef farmer.
22:32I'm not sure there's a whole lot I can do.
22:34You're gonna have to start the pushing at this stage.
22:40Oh, she doesn't know where she wants to be, does she?
22:44Doesn't know whether you want to be standing up or lying down.
22:47Come on.
22:49Come on.
22:50Come on.
22:51Push.
22:54There's a foot.
22:57Yep.
22:58She has given birth so far to a balloon and a hoof.
23:03Come on.
23:06Definitely two feet.
23:10And...
23:11Back in again.
23:25And there's the dawn chorus.
23:32Eventually, a mere two hours and 45 minutes after the moocall had gone off...
23:42The alien is coming.
23:43Oh, come on.
23:44Big push.
23:46Big push.
23:47There's a good nose.
23:49Ooh, an eye.
23:51Ooh, an owl head.
23:53A head.
23:56An ear.
23:57A neck.
24:01Come on.
24:04And...
24:07Come on.
24:07Push, push, push.
24:08Back.
24:09Just the hips.
24:10Come on, push.
24:12Come on.
24:12There we go.
24:13Come on.
24:14I'm ready.
24:15Yeah, I'm ready, my dear.
24:16Come on.
24:17Get some straw in there.
24:19Come on.
24:20Let's have some breathing.
24:21There we go.
24:22Come on.
24:24Yes.
24:28That looks like a great little calf.
24:33Oh.
24:34I'm ready trying to walk.
24:34Look.
24:36Oh.
24:37It's a joy.
24:40Mr. Night's sleeping.
24:42Yet, when you see that happen, it's worth it.
24:54After this completely perfect start to the day
24:58I went over to see the Swiss army knife
25:01Which now had a new attachment
25:06And was using it to roll the field
25:09There he goes
25:10Where we would be growing onions and beetroots
25:15And to plant those
25:17We'd need another new machine
25:20And now I'm going to blow your mind
25:23With the farm droid
25:26Caleb
25:31This was the other bit of kit
25:33That had caught my eye at the Lama exhibition
25:36Back in January
25:38A solar powered onion planter
25:42Oh it's another robot
25:43Oh yeah
25:44I thought it was actually going on the back of the ag bot
25:47No
25:48This now trundles along
25:50We pull it with seed
25:51And he plants all the onions for us
25:54This is completely electric
25:55And that's the solar panel
25:57Well how was it if the sun went in?
25:58Well it's got batteries
25:59So it stores some of the electrical power
26:01Is it electric?
26:02That's how solar power works
26:04Is that electric?
26:05I don't know why I thought that was an electric fence
26:07It does look it doesn't it
26:08If you touch that it'll stop him
26:11Rasmus the man who'd first shown me the farm droid
26:14Then came over to explain how it works
26:17It's all by GPS yeah
26:19So it remembers exactly where it planned each onion
26:21So this is the field let's just say
26:23Yeah
26:23And it puts an onion in here
26:25Yeah
26:25And then how long?
26:26We put it into 15 centimetres
26:28Okay 15 centimetres
26:29And then it remembers
26:30Yeah yeah
26:31And then places every 15 centimetres
26:33Yeah
26:33So it's extremely precise
26:35Yeah
26:35So how many onions is it going to plant in here?
26:38600,000
26:39600,000 onions
26:41Wow
26:41How far does it go?
26:44Maximum 1k
26:45Oh
26:45About the same speed as me
26:47Hold on
26:48If it only does one kilometre an hour
26:50And you've got a hare and a tortoise
26:52But that's only
26:52Is the one kilometre the hare or the tortoise?
26:55That's the hare
26:57It is a slow driving machine
26:58So it will drive into the night tonight
27:00And then after we've done the seeding
27:02We convert this machine into weeding
27:03Which means that
27:05This machine is also doing the weeding part of it
27:07Oh so it just digs
27:08It just digs up the weeds
27:09Yeah yeah
27:10And leaves the onions
27:10Just killing the smaller weeds
27:11Does it have cameras on it?
27:13Yeah yeah yeah
27:13I'll just give you access to the app to this one
27:16Then you can just sit home
27:17Oh man
27:18I've got the Agbot cameras
27:19And this cameras
27:20Yeah yeah yeah
27:21That's what Lisa said the other day
27:22I was sitting looking at the cameras from there
27:24She went
27:24Why can't you watch Pornhub like a normal man
27:27Instead of sitting watching your Agbot
27:30Going up and down
27:30Oh Chris I'm going to have both of them
27:32I can't wait
27:33Can we get it going?
27:34Yeah we can
27:35Once we'd filled the hoppers with onion seeds
27:38Who knew that onion seeds looked like that?
27:41They're like miniature song thrush eggs
27:44I drove the farm droid into the field
27:48It's a weird looking thing actually
27:49When you get into the field
27:50It's going to be honestly
27:51When you've got the Agbot and this
27:52Working the same field
27:54I think actually
27:55It's the first time in the world
27:57That we have both
27:58An Agbot bed
27:59And a farm bird in the same field
28:01That's incredible
28:04Right we're certainly in the field now
28:06Yeah
28:06Press auto
28:07That one
28:08Yeah
28:09Calculating route
28:10Yeah
28:11And just press the green one
28:14And now it's just
28:15Probably calibrating itself
28:18So it's just hunting now
28:20For its start point
28:21Yeah
28:21Same as the Agbot does
28:22Yeah
28:22So now it's
28:23Have the start point
28:26Oh look
28:27And he's putting it down
28:28Yeah
28:30And we're off
28:31Yeah
28:34And you can hear the small clicks
28:36That's the seed
28:37It's one of those clicks
28:38Yeah
28:38So that's the seed going in
28:40Yeah
28:40Fucking hell
28:42I don't believe
28:43That's this
28:43You can actually hear it working
28:47I know
28:49Money money money money money money money money money
28:55It's really quite cool
28:57Where the onions at?
28:59So do we check on the
29:00See now we would like to go and
29:02What seed depth do we need?
29:04Charlie mentioned around 3 cm
29:073?
29:09Due to the moisture
29:10Look, look, look, look
29:11You got one?
29:12Yes, look
29:13There's onion in the field
29:15He's putting onion in my field
29:17And then look
29:18Then we should have
29:19No, no, wait, wait
29:20No, no
29:21If that's true
29:22That's incredible
29:23So 15 cm
29:25Where's 15?
29:26There
29:28Holy shit
29:29That's unbelievable
29:31And away it goes
29:34You're actually impressed with that
29:35Yeah, I am impressed with that
29:44It had been a long night and day
29:47But before knocking it on the head
29:50I had to meet Lisa and George, her snail supplier
29:54You know, they're already inside
29:56Yeah
29:57Because the snails had started laying eggs
30:00See?
30:04Bingo
30:05Here you are
30:06Oh, wow
30:09These are your first snail children
30:11Oh, wow
30:13They're all snail legs, are they?
30:15Yes
30:15Okay
30:16And mate, we just
30:17What do you do with this?
30:18What's this?
30:18Just compost
30:19This is just compost
30:20We put water on
30:21I'm going to put the lid on
30:22And put them by the heater
30:24And then, mate
30:25How long before they become snails?
30:26Do they hatch?
30:27What do they do?
30:28Yes
30:29George was also extremely keen
30:31To show us how the baby snails
30:33Got made in the first place
30:35Ah, here you are
30:37Now you see the courtship
30:39Can you see?
30:40Yes
30:41The left one already
30:42He has his penis out there
30:43Can you see?
30:44Yes
30:44There, that's it
30:45And this one has her vagina over it
30:48Yep
30:48So is that the man?
30:50No, no, no
30:51They're both
30:51He has, you know, the penis
30:53And the vagina
30:54On his body
30:55That's so cool
30:56So that
30:57We already
30:57These are in tune with the times
31:00We've got trans farm animals
31:01Oh, yes
31:02Are they hermaphrodites?
31:04They're hermaphrodites
31:05But they're sex machines
31:06Sex machines?
31:08Yeah
31:09How many penises has it got?
31:11Two
31:11Two penises
31:13Like here
31:13Either side
31:14Oh, I see
31:15You've got stereo penises
31:16So depending which side
31:18Where's his vagina then?
31:20Exactly next to it
31:21The same thing
31:21So you've got a penis
31:22And a vagina
31:23The same thing
31:23Where the penis is
31:24Is also his vagina
31:27Clever, right?
31:29And they shit out of their faces as well?
31:31Yeah, on the side
31:32Yes
31:33So their face
31:34Is like a Ferrari steering wheel
31:36Everything's now on it
31:37Yeah
31:38Yeah
31:39Yeah
31:40Yeah
31:40Yeah
31:42And once they've bread
31:43You take the eggs
31:44And then you eat the ones that are bread
31:46So they're no good now
31:46Ah, so we
31:47Once we've got the babies
31:49These adults
31:50Can go off to the pub
31:52Correct
31:53And so we get those
31:54Because I mean
31:55I adore snails
31:56I think they're fantastic
31:57You like the garlic butter
31:58Oh, I love the garlic butter
31:59And the shells
32:00You crush up
32:01And you can give it to the chickens
32:02As quick
32:02Lisa and George claimed, however
32:05That the money to be made
32:06From serving them in the pub
32:08Was nothing
32:09Compared to what could be earned
32:11From the slime
32:12There are beauty parlors
32:15In Essex, especially
32:16Essex
32:17Essex
32:17120 pounds
32:18For 10 minutes
32:20Snail
32:21Or 15 minutes snail course
32:22Should they put the snails on your faces?
32:25And the snail
32:26Goes around
32:27And excretes the juice
32:29That's it
32:29And that's like
32:30120 pounds
32:3210 minutes
32:32Yep
32:34I wasn't completely convinced
32:37But put my concerns to one side
32:43Because the next day
32:45Lisa and I were awaiting
32:47Cow birth number three
32:52Here we go
32:56Which seemed to be going
32:57As smoothly as the previous two
33:00Here we go
33:01Foot
33:05Push
33:06Push
33:09Oh
33:09Look, you can see the car's tongue
33:14That's a worry
33:16Shit, should we call dilden
33:17Or are we just panicking?
33:19Well, it's head first
33:20That's good
33:21No, everything's right
33:23But we can see the tongue
33:24But we can see the tongue
33:25The tongue is moving
33:26Suggesting that the calf
33:27Is sort of needing to be out
33:31Do we grab hold of those and pull?
34:01That is a worry for me
34:02And just gently have a little bit of pressure on it
34:04Yeah
34:05And then you'll feel it push
34:06And as she pushes
34:07Just gently pull a bit harder
34:08Yeah
34:09And as she stops pushing
34:10Take the pressure off
34:11If that makes sense
34:11I know exactly what you mean
34:13Okay, well, we'll get in there
34:14All right
34:15Bye-bye
34:16Bye-bye
34:18Here we go
34:19I'm going to
34:19Head on in
34:27The tongue is licking my glove
34:36Oh, come on
34:38I've hurt the calf's legs
34:43And I'm being licked
34:46Can I have some ropes?
34:55Yep, that's both of them on
34:57I'd dearly love to get this one
34:59Out
35:00Just because I've not done it before
35:16Nearly
35:17Oh, God
35:20Come on
35:28Go, go, go, go, go, go
35:35Oh, God
35:36Oh, God
35:37Caleb
35:38Right, dude
35:39All right?
35:40Did you look after that?
35:42No
35:42No
35:43Go on
35:45Pull this up
35:46Oh, yeah
35:48Nice
35:50Pull, pull, pull
35:51Yeah, I am doing
35:51I am doing
35:53You see, that's as far as you ever get
35:55Hold
35:56Hold that pressure there
35:57Now pull
36:00Hold
36:02Pull now
36:02And then pull down a little bit
36:04That's it
36:04Come on
36:15Oh, God
36:16I'm ripping my hands to shreds
36:18Yeah, hold it
36:19Hold on
36:20Oh
36:21Give this a little bit
36:23Try and get this on
36:27You've got to go and catch a birthday cake later
36:29Oh, no
36:31Right, hold on
36:31Get that a go now
36:32Watch your phone
36:36That will
36:38Yeah
36:38It's much easier
36:39Then you can control either side
36:41Yeah, yeah, exactly
36:41You've got it
36:44Go on, go
36:45Big push there
36:47It's gonna go
36:48It's gonna go
36:49Actually, just feel that
36:50That's it there
36:51Big pull now
36:52You've got it
36:52Just feel that contraction, yeah
36:54Yeah
36:56Oh, there's a head
36:58There's a head
36:58Now it's all yours now, yeah
37:03Come on
37:03If you pull down
37:04It's much easier
37:05Yeah, I'm trying to
37:06Go on, go on
37:06That's a good one
37:07Good lad
37:08Good lad
37:09That's it
37:10Why don't you say that'll be
37:12Please be okay
37:15Come on, breathe
37:16Come on, breathe
37:17Breathe
37:18Blinking
37:21Come on
37:23Come on
37:24What I'm doing now
37:24Is opening that airway
37:27Let's get that mother out
37:28So she can start licking it
37:31There you go
37:33I'd say that was okay
37:34Yeah
37:35It's a long cut off
37:37Go on, lip deal
37:38Lip deal
37:39Come on, please lip
37:42That's it
37:43Thank you
37:43That's it
37:43Good man
37:44Is she licking
37:45Yes, she licking
37:46Yeah
37:51Well done, mate
37:52My first one
37:53How did it
37:54That is
37:56Oh, fuck me
37:57That's good
37:58That is so good
38:03Hey
38:03Oh, I know
38:08That is just the best
38:09That was all you
38:10That was proper
38:12It's hard, isn't it
38:13Pulling it out
38:13Yeah, it's just
38:14Oh
38:18Look at that
38:20What a fantastic day
38:23What a great, great, great day
38:32Later on
38:33Later on, Lisa and I
38:34Went down to the wood
38:35Where we used to keep the pigs
38:40To clear up
38:41Some more storm damage
39:00I know
39:03It's been years and years and years
39:04Every time you come down here
39:06You'll come
39:08Running along to see you
39:09And now look
39:12I know
39:12Mind you
39:12That being said
39:15It's not completely empty
39:17Though, is it?
39:19Because look who's here
39:20Ladies and gentlemen
39:24Richard Hamm
39:26Look how he has grown
39:28He has become a mighty pig
39:30Yes
39:30A huge pig
39:32Richard Hamm
39:32Come say hello
39:33I should just explain
39:35What's going on here
39:36Hello
39:38We've kept him
39:39We had to
39:40I know
39:41Problem we've got, though
39:42Is he can't be a fluffer anymore
39:44Because there's no more pigs to fluff
39:48You can't eat him
39:50Because we just can't
39:52And we can't breed from him
39:55Because there's something
39:56Genetically wrong with him
39:58Um
39:59So we've just got him
40:01And you can't keep a pig on its own
40:03So, over there
40:05We've got another pig
40:06Another boy pig
40:08And then he can have a friend
40:09What do you call him?
40:11What, the friend?
40:12Yeah
40:12Well, who is Richard Hammond's best friend?
40:16I'm not calling it James May
40:18I'm not even a pig called James May
40:22Boar
40:22Let's call him James Boar
40:24That's
40:25He is a boar
40:28He is a boar
40:28He is literally a boar
40:30Richard Hammond James Boar
40:34What had been an extremely pleasant day
40:38Ended well, too
40:41Because as the sun set
40:43Lisa and I made a thermos of Bovril
40:46Drove out to the fields
40:48And settled down for our new favourite date night
41:03Look, look, he's stopped
41:05He's having you think about how to turn around
41:08He was turning round
41:11I do feel like I'm from the 18th century
41:16Looking at tractors
41:18Yeah, the Starship Enterprise has just landed
41:20At Diddly Squat
41:22It's very soporific, isn't it?
41:26It's incredible
41:28I'm sure there is something good on television
41:32But nothing is as good as watching
41:35Farming being revolutionised
41:39And just know that when you get up in the morning
41:41These still be sitting, drumming their fingers
41:43I know
41:44Going, okay, we've done that job
41:46And I do feel like we need to give them jobs
41:48They're happy
41:51Do you think they talk to each other?
41:53No
41:54They must do
41:59A few days later
42:01All of the calves had been born
42:03And the maternity ward was a joy to behold
42:09Oh, look, he's off
42:10Oh, look at him
42:11Look how happy he is
42:13Your turn
42:15There you go
42:16Look at this little calf
42:18Oh, that's right
42:20I love watching that
42:21Look at them bounce round
42:23They are adorable
42:24They've got space
42:29And I've decided now
42:30You know I'm going to be 65 in a couple of weeks
42:33At the retirement age
42:34Well, historically, always at the retirement age
42:36I'm going to be a cow midwife
42:38No golf, no watercolour painting
42:40Midwifery for cows
42:41Bear in mind, you have seen the good versions of it happening
42:43You pulled that one out on Saturday night
42:45Yeah
42:46You haven't actually yet cut one out
42:49What do you mean cut one out?
42:50When the calf dies inside the mum
42:51And instead of doing a C-section
42:53You actually get the knife
42:53Go in and cut the head off
42:55Pull the head out
42:55And then take it limb by limb
42:57It's disgusting
42:58You haven't done that yet
43:01What?
43:02My fifth delivery
43:03When I was about 15
43:04So everything was going smooth
43:06Yeah
43:06And all of a sudden this cow
43:08Unfortunately the calf died inside the cow, yes
43:10So instead of doing a C-section to take it out
43:12What we had to do
43:13Go in from the back
43:14Get a knife
43:15Cut round the head like this
43:16Cut the head off
43:17Pull the head out
43:18Get the legs
43:20Yeah
43:21Cut the calf's head off
43:22Yeah
43:23Take the head out
43:24The calf's dead
43:25You know
43:26The cow was been
43:27The cow was carved in about 10 hours
43:29So, you know
43:30It was time to come out
43:31Or we'd have lost the mum as well
43:33But you haven't done that yet
43:34Why didn't you do a C-section?
43:35I don't know
43:36The cow didn't
43:36The family wanted to spend that much money
43:38And it was, you know
43:40So he invited a 15-year-old boy
43:42To put a knife inside a cow's vagina
43:45And butcher a calf while it was in there
43:47Yeah
43:49I'm rethinking my cow midwifery
43:51You've seen the good side of it
43:53This is the good side of it
43:55On a slightly less gruesome note
43:57Caleb then told me
43:59It was time to castrate the new boy calf
44:01Using a rubber band
44:04So what we've got to do
44:05Open it up like this
44:06Pull the testicle sack through here
44:08Make sure both the testicles are in the sack
44:10And then band off
44:12Done
44:14So we've got to go
44:14Oh, look at his face
44:16Look at his face
44:17Please don't cut my bollocks off
44:19Well, he doesn't know he's got bollocks, does he?
44:21No, he wouldn't know yet, would he?
44:24Hello, calf
44:25Look, it's literally upholstered in velvet, this one
44:28It's lovely, isn't it?
44:29It's absolutely beautiful
44:31Beautiful, beautiful
44:33Right then
44:35There
44:35See, if you can't catch it, I'll find some autonomous machine that can
44:41Shall we come in from the back, or?
44:42Yeah, come in from the back
44:47Oh, of course, they're quite big
44:49Yeah, grab the testicles, Frank
44:52You can have a shit with me
44:56Is that it?
44:57Have you got them?
44:58I don't know
45:00I think so
45:02Yep, there you go, they're on
45:03Now make sure that band comes off
45:05Well, how do I do that?
45:06Push it off, it's quite hard
45:10We're holding hands while fondling an animal's body
45:13Right now, off you come
45:15Oh, you should have put your hand on that shit
45:17It's sat all over me
45:23Oh, smell
45:24No, you've got it on your nose and everything
45:26What?
45:27Oh, fucking hell
45:29It's all over everyone
45:30You're covered in diarrhea
45:33Is it on my, is it on my face?
45:35Yes, it is
45:39Oh, a cow's sat in my mouth
45:45Fuck you
45:52That's it, fuck it
45:53I'm going to London
45:55I'm going to London, Caleb
45:56That's it, I'm done
45:58I'm going to London in a Bentley
46:00I'm going to see my friends who work in advertising
46:03And law
46:04And the theatre
46:08Oh
46:11Fucking hell
46:18Oh, God
46:22In the end, I decided not to move back to London
46:28Because the crops were in on time
46:34The calves were in good health
46:39And the weather was perfect
46:44So for the first time since I'd started farning all those years ago
46:49Life at Diddley Squat
46:53Was an absolute dream
47:00Sometimes the texture of what you're eating feels off
47:03But actually the taste is delicious
47:05I'm not having that
47:06We're building a leaky woody dam
47:08We're like human beavers
47:10It's a magnificent beast, as you can see
47:13Not the easiest thing to sell in the world
47:14I'm not 12, 46
47:1560,000
47:19I'm not 12, 46 mean
47:19I'm not 20, 47
47:29But here's what we go off
47:29I'm not 15, 47
47:36Why don't you face it?
47:46that's fine87 86
47:4776
48:15you
48:37you
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