- 2 days ago
First broadcast 23rd January 2015.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
David Mitchell
Colin Lane
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
David Mitchell
Colin Lane
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, the show that knows that it knows nothing.
00:09Tonight is a litter of landmarks, learning, and larceny, and joining me are the larksome David Mitchell.
00:19The laudable Colin Lane.
00:26The ladylike Joe Brand.
00:32And the living Alan Davis.
00:38So let's hear their buzzers, David goes.
00:45Oh, and Colin goes.
00:51Oh, no larky.
00:54And Joe goes.
00:58And Alan goes.
01:00Oh, no limits.
01:19Oh, nocontrols.
01:19Oh, noburbl represents.
01:21Oh, no nature looks about it.
01:21Oh, no dez "-iso-o-o-o".
01:30that's it
01:32well if you've enjoyed QI do tune in again
01:36but don't forget that you have
01:39spend a penny cards there is almost certainly
01:46going to be a question that is
01:48lavatorial and if you spend a penny when I ask the question you get extra points
01:52what about if we actually want to go doing the record
01:57you should find a little bottle and funnel underneath
02:01anyway now last question first actually why didn't you do some of the work for a change
02:05you can talk about one of two things one is what about the death of the last
02:08American Civil War pensioner or the last thing you'd like to see on the London
02:12underground choose
02:17the last thing I'd like to see on the underground is a dying
02:20American Civil War
02:23that would put it all into one wouldn't it you're right
02:26just trying to make it easy a dying American Civil War or a dying
02:30American Civil War pensioner
02:31no a dying American Civil War pensioner
02:35yeah
02:36if you can give me a date as to when you would be able to see the last pensioner for
02:41the American Civil War
02:42it was in the 1860s
02:43it was in 1865
02:44correct
02:45you've got your point for knowing the date of the end
02:47or do I?
02:48more than a hundred
02:50and a lady as well
02:53more than a hundred years after that is unlikely
02:56so I'm going 1962
02:59well that's not correct
03:01that's very
03:02because that was
03:03that he'd have to have been a toddler
03:06during the American Civil War
03:08and he might be 115
03:09well we're talking about pensioners not veterans
03:12the last veteran to die amazingly died in 1956
03:16aged 109
03:18there he is
03:19Wolfson his name was
03:20and there's the toddler
03:23there is a great great great grand
03:24grandchild I imagine
03:25a lot of them did live well in the 20th century
03:27because there were teenagers during the war
03:29so he was the last veteran to die
03:31but pensioners
03:33could have received a pension from the United States government
03:35because of their fathers
03:38they would still get a pension
03:39so it might still be ongoing then?
03:41well that's the answer
03:42still alive
03:44and here tonight
03:48yee-haw!
03:51it's only $876 a year
03:53but it's still a pension
03:54and the last widow of a Civil War soldier
03:57died in 2008
03:59wow
04:00the last widow of a soldier?
04:02in 1934
04:04Maudie Hopkins
04:05married an 86 year old veteran
04:08called William Cantrell
04:09who had fought as a teenager
04:10how old was Maudie Hopkins?
04:13well she was pretty old when she died
04:14but
04:15no when she got married
04:16oh she was young
04:17really?
04:20she was a toddler
04:24Alberta Martin
04:25in 2004
04:26she married age 21
04:27in 1927
04:29an 81 year old Confederate veteran
04:31who died in 1931
04:32she then married his grandson
04:35that's rather peculiar
04:36isn't it?
04:37to marry the grandson of your husband
04:38how would you feel if you were the son though?
04:41she skipped a generation?
04:45she was 21 and she married
04:47yes
04:48step-grandson
04:49I see
04:49it would be odd if she married her own grandson
04:51yeah
04:52right
04:54so pretty surprising
04:55that these things can be that close
04:57I remember my father said
04:59that he remembers as a boy
05:00listening to Sibelius
05:01the Finnish composer
05:02talking on the radio
05:03and he spoke about how
05:05when he was a boy
05:06he had a music copyist
05:08who was an old man
05:09who'd been a copyist at Beethoven
05:10and my father listened to him
05:12giving a radio talk
05:13that's pretty amazing
05:14you don't have to go that far back
05:16when you do to touch
05:17anyway
05:17on a TV show once in England
05:19I sat two spots away from Alan Davis
05:23that's a connection
05:25that you're going to boast about
05:26in years to come
05:26isn't it?
05:27yeah
05:27it's pretty incredible
05:28and he played with his pen
05:31for the whole programme
05:36I can't get it off
05:38oh dear
05:39yeah
05:40so that's the Civil War answer
05:42the last pensioner's still alive
05:44what about now the London Underground
05:45there was something that's pretty grisly
05:48I imagine if you're a decent person
05:49wouldn't want to see
05:50but which was seen by people
05:52who travelled on the Underground
05:53and it was the last of its kind
05:54to happen in Great Britain
05:55and it's quite odd
05:57to imagine something
05:58relatively modern
05:59like an underground system
06:01overlapping with this
06:02somebody not looking at their phone
06:072,000 people turned up
06:08to watch this event
06:09and many of them went by tune
06:10oh a public execution
06:11it was a public execution
06:13the last ever public execution in Britain
06:15let's say
06:16you know
06:17the most recent
06:18yes
06:18we live in dark times
06:20we do
06:21it may well return
06:23yeah
06:23well
06:23this one was in Newgate
06:25which is now
06:26the Old Bailey
06:27essentially
06:28the Old Bailey was built
06:29on the ruins
06:29and the old cellars of Newgate
06:31are still there
06:32and the walk
06:33that the dead man
06:33used to have to take
06:34through archways
06:35of diminishing size
06:36and there'd be baying
06:37and crying outside
06:38and then he'd go across
06:40and there'd be a little
06:41patch of blue sky
06:42and then he'd ascend the steps
06:43and then the rope
06:44would be straight around him
06:46and he was a Fenian
06:47an Irish nationalist
06:48he was called Michael Barrett
06:50many people believed
06:52he was actually innocent
06:52a bomb was placed outside
06:54Clark and Well Prison
06:55in order to blow a hole in it
06:57to free a Fenian prisoner
06:58so it was probably a Fenian
07:00who did it
07:00and presumably a gang
07:02he was the only one
07:02arrested and hanged
07:03but on very slender evidence
07:06but I think the fact of the matter is
07:08you know
07:08if hanging came back again
07:11you'd get thousands of people
07:12going to watch it
07:13it'd be like a fucking match
07:14oh of course
07:14if it was over to the public
07:16like I don't think
07:17it's going to be that long
07:18before they have hanging
07:19on Big Brother
07:23well there you are
07:24the death of the last
07:25American Civil War pensioner
07:26is unusual
07:26because it hasn't yet happened
07:28at least at time
07:28of going to press
07:29and the last thing
07:30you'd probably want to go
07:31and see on London Underground
07:32was the last public hanging
07:34now we move on
07:35to L for Larsity
07:36would you rather get an email
07:37from a Spanish prisoner
07:39or a Nigerian prince
07:44wow
07:47a Nigerian prince
07:49why is that
07:50please pray
07:51what
07:52why is that
07:54I have no reason
07:57I'm using the 50-50 rule
07:59oh I'm sorry
08:00they're both pretty bad options
08:02to be honest
08:02can you trust a Nigerian prince
08:04have you never had
08:05one of those emails
08:06no no
08:07actually I don't
08:08no
08:08of course Australian
08:09internet connection
08:10is so slow
08:11you probably don't even
08:11get emails
08:14you certainly can't
08:15download movies
08:16no look
08:17I mean I love the guns
08:33I love the country
08:36but I do love so much
08:37to hang shit on it
08:38as much as I possibly can
08:43yeah
08:44I had a letter
08:45from a Nigerian person
08:47and that said
08:48ring this number
08:49and the number
08:49was in Spain
08:50so what about that
08:52and it went to
08:53a house
08:54where I no longer lived
08:56addressed to the person
08:57who owned it
08:58before I owned it
08:59that's pretty cool
09:00saying
09:00you have won
09:014 million euros
09:02or something like this
09:03yeah
09:04ring this number
09:05so I rang the number
09:05and I said
09:06why did you ring the number
09:09because
09:09you know
09:10what if it was true
09:13and I said
09:15the person
09:15I just wanted you to know
09:16that the person
09:17you've sent this to
09:18doesn't live anymore
09:19I don't know where he lives
09:20and how did they respond
09:22they said
09:22oh well
09:23according to the terms
09:24of the win
09:26the winnings
09:26can be passed on
09:28to the next owner
09:29of the hat
09:32oh well that would be me
09:34so this is beginning
09:35to sound like a scam
09:38then he said
09:39in a really thick
09:41Nigerian accent
09:42in famed indignation
09:44how dare I suggest
09:45such a thing
09:47and I said
09:48well then
09:48send me 4 million euros
09:50forthwith
09:51he said
09:51well I'll need
09:51your bank account details
09:53I think so
09:54sunny Jim
09:55and that was the end
09:56of that
09:56yeah
09:56there's some people
09:57do actually string them along
09:59they're called 419 baiters
10:01you bait them
10:02by pretending
10:03that you're really interested
10:04and you waste their time
10:05and it's called 419
10:06does anyone know
10:07the reason why 419
10:08is attached to it
10:11no
10:14it's because
10:15under the penal code
10:16of Nigeria
10:17419 covers
10:18that type of fraud
10:19the penal code
10:19of Nigeria
10:21now now now
10:24see what
10:25what I love
10:26about those
10:26is the enormous
10:27sums of money
10:28you know
10:29they don't just put
10:30like six grand
10:31which most people
10:32let's be honest
10:33might be quite pleased
10:35but they put
10:36sort of
10:36500,000
10:38billion
10:40so the thing is
10:41like you know
10:41that really cuts
10:43I'm just giving them
10:43some advice
10:44yes
10:45completely cuts down
10:46the number of people
10:47who will believe
10:49something like that
10:49well unfortunately
10:50they like all
10:51con artists
10:52prey on
10:53the most weak
10:55and the most vulnerable
10:56and of course
10:56I suppose the most greedy
10:57there's an old
10:58there's an old rule
11:00in conning
11:01in grifting
11:01is that you can never
11:02con someone
11:03who isn't greedy
11:04you know
11:05all the great cons
11:06require people
11:07to want money
11:08no no
11:09you weren't
11:09that's right
11:10you weren't
11:11I was just curious
11:11to see who this person
11:12I wasn't
11:13I thought I might get
11:14some material out of it
11:15but
11:16the only way I can make it funny
11:17was by doing an appalling
11:19Nigerian accent
11:20which is apparently
11:20that would be inappropriate
11:23this you must not do
11:24that wasn't it
11:25for example
11:27the one thing
11:28which is very pleasing
11:29is they put the stress
11:32in very odd places
11:33on English words
11:34so I'm not in that category
11:36they will say
11:37things like that
11:37which I find very endearing
11:38and I hope that's not patronising
11:40it's not meant to be
11:41but they
11:42they use
11:43deliberately
11:45Australia
11:46Nigeria
11:49patronising to everyone
11:50in equal measure
11:51I assure you
11:52that makes me feel
11:53so much good
11:54what would you say
11:54this is a scam
11:58nice one
11:59they deliberately use
12:01spelling mistakes
12:02and bad grammar
12:03why would they do that?
12:04to attract
12:05to Australian
12:07basically right
12:10you've got it
12:11you've got it
12:18well done
12:19that's my one
12:24we all really know
12:25what Australians are like
12:26at losing things
12:27but we've known
12:28three times
12:29and four
12:30um
12:32um
12:33yeah
12:35what's
12:36what's the most recent result
12:37three out of four
12:39we'll take
12:39yes
12:40yes
12:41the reason sadly
12:42that they tend to use
12:43deliberately bad grammar
12:44and spelling
12:45is to get rid of people
12:46who will spot it
12:47and think
12:48oh this is not real
12:49it's obviously not from a lawyer
12:50but people who are more vulnerable
12:53less educated
12:53are more likely to fall for it
12:55so it is all the crueler
12:56and meaner
12:57for that reason
12:58like that word
12:58refund there
12:59for example
13:00it's really
13:01really
13:02cruel
13:03like all kinds
13:03of that nature
13:05yeah exactly
13:06have you had the one
13:07where you get an email
13:07supposedly from a friend
13:09saying oh i'm stuck in malta
13:11very much so
13:12i always send money for that
13:13because actually i got one
13:14and he really was in trouble
13:17and i thought it was a scam
13:18and he died
13:21but you know
13:22you can't win them all
13:24that's not true
13:26no
13:28now the first part of the question
13:29was about the spanish prisoner
13:30does that phrase mean anything to you
13:32does it ring a bell of any kind
13:33no
13:34well the spanish prisoner principle
13:35was really the same thing
13:36it was a letter
13:37going all the way back
13:38you're going hundreds and hundreds of years
13:39from someone who claimed to be
13:41imprisoned by the spanish
13:42please send me
13:43money i will pay you back
13:45a thousand fold
13:46and you can marry my beautiful daughter
13:48and so on
13:49it was a very early contract
13:50and in 1914 which was the year nigeria was founded
13:54the british ambassador to spain wrote to the nigerian colonial officers warning them
13:58about the spanish prisoner trick saying it appears that perpetrators of this fraud are still
14:02endeavoring to victimize residents of the british colonies
14:05the public in nigeria should be warned to be upon their guard
14:09so it's possible that nigerian criminals got this from their british colonial officers in fact
14:13it's a very ancient one
14:15now
14:16how do you turn a camel into a mule
14:19chop its hump off
14:20well it would turn it into a camel without humps
14:26great that you should know that
14:27slightly dodgy that you should know that
14:29but charming
14:29who was it
14:31who was it who just shouted cocaine
14:34they may be just you know
14:36they want some cocaine
14:37yeah
14:38you get to the point halfway through a show
14:41yeah you need a little bit of a lift
14:43we've got waiters going around with all sorts of hard drugs
14:46do you agree there's so much cocaine being used in britain that it's in the water supply
14:50goodness me
14:51yes
14:52and ibuprofen as well
14:53oh
14:54do you
14:55yeah water will numb you and excite you
14:59very extraordinary
15:00i knew about banknotes
15:01that's true of banknotes isn't it
15:02they're banknotes in the water supply
15:04no
15:08it's all very complicated
15:09well there was a little hint shouted out there
15:12oh so
15:13when we use the word mule
15:14drug mule
15:15a drug mule
15:15so how do you train a camel to be a drug mule
15:17just put some cocaine on its back and send it off into the desert
15:21yes but how could you be sure where it was going
15:23you'd want it to go where
15:24give it a compass
15:26well
15:27sort of
15:28this is l for learning
15:29what you do first
15:30is you take the camel on the journey you want it to learn
15:34which could be a very very long one all the way say from
15:37round about the red sea or
15:39or london to birmingham
15:41all the way to morocco
15:43right across the desert
15:44and it only needs one go to learn it
15:46well you do it without feeding it at all
15:47and you only feed it when it gets to the end
15:49so it kind of remembers this long journey
15:51yeah i'd bloody remember that
15:53yeah exactly
15:54wouldn't we all
15:55so then what you do is you take it back to the west africa where you get your drugs in
15:58you load it
15:59you have nothing to do with it then
16:01you then get a jeep or a plane up to morocco
16:03and the thing will make its long journey
16:05you sit in the hotel drinking beer and wait for it to come
16:07and it will arrive at the place you last left it
16:10that's something sad about that
16:11it is very sad
16:12it's very loyal and very good
16:13so the camels take responsibility
16:15if they if they thought
16:16well there's no one else to it to blame
16:18so all we need now is to train camels to you know check in to airlines
16:24yes to all
16:25because what you really want to smuggle drugs to is rich western countries
16:29you're only a few miles from spain
16:31and spain is you know a big distribution point for these drugs
16:34so i think that's the point
16:35and camels can swim
16:37no you then take it off the camel
16:39you don't have to take the camel across to spain
16:43no by water
16:45jet ski
16:46jet ski
16:47none of that
16:48pedalo
16:49pedalo
16:52now describe the aviation techniques of the concrete arrows
16:57concrete can't really fly steven can because it's very heavy
17:00well
17:01the jumbo jet isn't heavy
17:04good point
17:07it needs a little thrust
17:09well then you can say when you're in an aeroblade you can hear that noise
17:11which is them filling it with helium
17:14see you relax on the noises and that's how it works
17:17yes
17:18waiting for the cabin to fill with helium
17:20and then we will float gently up
17:22and then across the sea
17:24imagine the conversations you'd have in the plane if it was filled with helium
17:27i hate it, i hate it, i hate it
17:29but it does stuff to your ears so that's what you are hearing
17:33but it sounds normal
17:34keep going
17:37we look to you for all this information we're very grateful for it
17:41well naturally of course you are quite right in the sense that there have never been any
17:44flying vehicles built of concrete but there have been concrete arrows that have a great deal to do with aviation
17:49and we go back to the early days of aviation
17:51in a country that was expanding perhaps more rapidly than any economy has ever expanded and that was
17:57in the United States of America
17:59and there's a large land mass and they had arrows to show the way across it
18:04well they, yes they had but this was even faster
18:08no
18:09those would be huge
18:11but they were big enough
18:12they had 70 foot long concrete arrows every 10 miles across the usa and there's one that still exists
18:19in 1933 they stopped the program because radio advances and so on had meant they were unnecessary for navigation
18:25but before that they really needed to find a way that airplanes didn't have to dive down into towns to
18:30look and see where they were
18:35and what was common was that the the towns would actually paint the name of the town on a large
18:40roof
18:40is that what those those basic you see roofs with tees yeah not maybe that for pilots who fancy a
18:47scone
18:49tees but no airport nearby sorry
18:53but there yes the arrows straightforward really simple and it worked
18:57speaking of things visible from the air can you imagine something that the french made visible from the air
19:03to try and win the first world war or at least to try not to be utterly crushed by the
19:09first world war
19:10something for the german spotter planes to see yes a fake not weaponry is something like that
19:15a great big baguette
19:19it was a fake something fake eiffel tower
19:22well and more fake guillotine a fake paris a fake paris well done finally
19:35and now you have the treasure of a whole audience being patronizing to you
19:41come on
19:42yes you're absolutely right
19:45the fence is very wide as bombing technology was improving towards the end of the war that paris their beloved
19:50paris was going to
19:51go up in smoke and all the wonderful buildings so
19:5415 miles to the north on the stretch of the Seine they built lots of buildings including a garden or
20:00and even
20:01moving lights to suggest the railway tracks and other such things unfortunately was never completed because they only had the
20:07idea in
20:071918 and by November of course the war
20:11from the air yes I think it was
20:12it's not like that London in Legoland
20:14no not like that
20:16they didn't get people over from like Hollywood over to build it for them
20:21you'd think they should have done
20:22all magicians like Maskeland who did the famous camouflaging of the Suez Canal
20:26didn't he also do the the fake army in Kent
20:29I mean he claimed actually Maskeland he claimed rather a lot but now people think he probably wasn't
20:34responsible for speaking of magicians and and flying you know before did you know that Houdini
20:42He made the first
20:45powered flight
20:47In Australia
20:48Yes, he went to Australia specifically knowing that no one had ever flown there before so he could be in
20:54the first
20:54That's right. Oh, he was that he was a total showman. Yeah, I did a run in the theatre and
20:58Broadway
20:58which was the theatre where he did his famous elephant trick and it has the deepest sub stage as they
21:03call it the
21:04deepest area under the stage imaginable because he kept two elephants there and it's a what's called the Belasco Theatre
21:09and it's absolutely fantastic
21:10They weren't still there. They weren't still there
21:13There's a theatre in Newcastle which under the stage has it's actually a replica because it burned in the 80s
21:19But all the old Victorian wheels and ropes and pulleys so you could have moving floors
21:24And you could have a stage a grand national on a moving revolving stage on but all of that stuff
21:29was all
21:31Run by sailors, but one time they were running such elaborate stage work in that theatre that
21:36190 crewmen were working under the stage
21:39Using the rigging and doing all that stuff. Yeah, well you should ask someone if you're interested in that sort
21:43of thing to go around the
21:44Theatre Audrey Lane as well because that not only has fantastic
21:47Mechanisms, but also was on the steam main people forget that London was on steam in the same way that
21:52it was on gas and is now on
21:54Electricity and on the broadband as it were. How do you how do you spell that broadband?
22:03I'll write it up you upside down now from flight to fight which military leader does this mighty Norfolk oak
22:10commemorate?
22:23No, it isn't mighty is it? So it's not that old in fact. Yeah, it could be. It's about 80
22:31years old. Not quite 80. Not quite 80. It was a
22:33Kitchener? It was a sapling 78 years ago. So it'd be too late for Kitchener. I'm not Moseley
22:40You're in the right ballpark, but even more of a military leader. Adolf as you rightly say hit as you
22:47pointed out to learn
22:49Yes, he's commemorative oak tree in Norfolk. The fact is everybody who won a gold medal in the 1936
22:57Olympics in Berlin was presented with a sapling of an oak tree and then our oak trees
23:03Yes, I'm afraid the German for oak is ice or ice man is oak man
23:12Trees are on the German side
23:14Yes, our word acorn and oak come from the ice. Stout, proud English oak, why are we all going with
23:18that?
23:18The hearts of oak. I know, I know. Anyway, the Hitler oaks, yeah. There's none left in Britain except the
23:23one in Norfolk which is
23:25Surviving as you see. You would assume that it's not going to really last that long
23:29Once people watch this. Well, no, they might go and pick it down. A lot of Americans didn't keep theirs
23:34for that reason
23:34Jesse Owens actually did keep his. He won how many gold medals at the fall?
23:39Four, quite right. And one of his hitler oaks survives in his old training school in Cleveland, Ohio gave another
23:44to his mother
23:45Some US athletes through there's a way as I say
23:48Lovely present. Well, it was handed out by the committee rather than hit to himself
23:52But they were of course associated so much with
23:54I gave my mum a pair of Saddam Hussein's pants
24:00Anyway, there you go. Congratulations to all those who did win. Now, Kyrgyzstan has a famous forest
24:06Kyrgyzstan. It's got a forest. It has a forest in the shape of
24:10Oh, oh, yeah, something like be like their
24:13Dictators face or well, they do have a famous dictator is a bit mad
24:16But actually this is a symbol of dictatorship hammer and sickle not a hammer and sickle more fascistic torture equipment
24:25You might see it on an armband. A swastika? A swastika is the right answer, yes
24:32Um, no one quite knows how it got there. They think it may be german prisoners of war who planted
24:37it as a little trick
24:38Because it's very visible from the air, but there is a better-known one from the air
24:41Which is in perhaps what you might call its country of origin, although you could argue the swastika course is
24:46an indian symbol
24:47Is it in the black forest somewhere?
24:49It's in Brandenburg in Germany, which is in Prussia, and there it is it only really expresses itself because it's
24:56large trees
24:56As opposed to the trees around it at the right time of year when the large trees go yellow, and
25:01they think it was planted in the 30s by
25:03enthusiastic
25:04Hitler youth members
25:06So there must be in a quandary
25:07though because it's an incredibly
25:11Divisive image, but yes, they are they are trees. No you've pointed it out well
25:15As you probably know it's illegal in in Germany, and they finally noticed it somebody obviously flew over and said
25:20hang on
25:20And they said act on moment bitter, and so it was chopped down in the year 2000. Yeah
25:26It was a we are looking at an old first
25:28You wouldn't have to you could just put in some other ones to fill it in and turn it into
25:31a sort of harmless grid
25:36For people flying over going what's a charming harmless green
25:43So good excellent now a question about language
25:48Whom would you back in a fight Chuck Norris or communism?
25:55Instinctively I'd back communism would you yeah what a preference or just because it's so mighty it's a mighty
26:01International movement that kept millions in subjection as opposed to just one guy
26:07He's not really hit britain in the way he has america has he not like the john claude or he's
26:12been and gone or arnie
26:13How can you match a bloke against a an abstract?
26:17Well quite and the fact is the reality of communism was that it it basically tried to keep from its
26:23people
26:23Western culture and I experienced this I was in new york, and I had this guy who was driving me
26:30and he was romanian and
26:32uh
26:32He spoke about picking his mother up from the airport when he managed to get her out of czecheska's romania
26:37And he said on the way he stopped off at this corner supermarket
26:40She followed him and he started plucking stuff off the shelves like that and then she disappeared
26:44And he went around the aisle and she was on the floor sobbing her heart out
26:48He said what was the matter and she said they lied they lied all my life they lied they told
26:54us
26:54Westerners were poor that only the very few were rich and you're just a driver and you can have all
27:00this
27:01I cannot believe how they lied and i'm afraid whatever one thinks about capitalism and communism
27:07The charges they were so paranoid about their citizens finding out that in the west for all its faults most
27:14people could eat
27:15To some degree that they cut everything even if even tom and jerry you know the scenes in tom and
27:20jerry where there's a fridge with a big chicken
27:22Yeah, exactly the mummy character they cut those out so that people wouldn't see that
27:26Well, which brings us around to this point is that under the czechescus no element of western prosperity was ever
27:32allowed to slip through culturally
27:33So that any films that shows any kind of prosperity were banned but one woman one woman on her own
27:39imported
27:405 000
27:42western movies and dubbed them hence the language point she dubbed every character without making any distinction in the voices
27:49But it was still uh absolute feast and famine for the people of romania who watched amongst other things
27:57jaws the godfather 2 the shining and lots of chuck norris movies and they adored them and after nicolai
28:04Ceausescu she was the most well-known romanian to a whole generation her name was margaretta nistor
28:10but they didn't know that because obviously she kept it all privately and her story is being turned
28:14into a film called chuck norris versus communism hence that particular thing yeah wow anyway uh
28:21when should you get out of bed and go to the lavatory
28:25yes
28:27before you go to the lavatory yes well that's right it is obviously a lavatory of questions
28:33so you're right to spend your hand
28:41serious uh yeah spend a penny points are available now when should you get out of bed before you go
28:46to
28:47the lavatory it seems very strange question well every time really yes
28:50no we're going into the land of fairy tales here and it's one of the rather bizarre 1870
28:56tellings of what was already by this time nearly a thousand years old as a story and that's the
29:00story of little red riding hood and 1870 you think is nice victorians and there's a little victorian
29:05girl in bed with the wolf now this is how it goes and please don't blame me after she gets
29:10to the
29:11granny's house the wolf asks her to perform a strip tease what and then tells her to throw her clothes
29:18into the fire right once in bed naked presumably with a wolf she realizes that the wolf is not her
29:26grandmother in front of him she would be perfectly happy to do it and burn her clothes so when she
29:33was clothed she would have realized but but once in bed i think once in bed she felt the fur
29:38she knew
29:39her grandmother wasn't furry yeah so so to get away she begs she begs to be allowed to go to
29:45the lavatory
29:47right this is in an 1870 version i promise you it's true the wolf urges her just to have a
29:51dump in
29:51the bed but she insists on going outside then runs away her life saved by her good manners
29:58in the first it's not really lardy dumb no no it's basic i think well won't have a shit in
30:05the bed
30:10the first person to collect these fairy tales with best known collector of them was a frenchman called you
30:15know the mother goose rhymes and other such things was charles perrault and he connected little red
30:21riding hood in which she falls asleep and nothing happens there after she's uh fallen asleep except
30:25she's eaten by the wolf that's it it's just a moral tale don't fall asleep in front of wolves it's
30:30not
30:30very interesting but early proto versions are quite extraordinary there's one in the 11th century
30:35called the false grandmother where it's not a wolf with an ogre who hangs up the grandmother's intestine
30:40having eaten the grandmother to use as a latch string on the door when little red riding hood
30:44arrives she eats granny's dismembered teeth and drinks her blood by accident mistaking them for food
30:52for granny's delicious bloody mary
30:56if you actually were to encounter a wolf in the wild would that be a cause to run away
31:01well you're probably not i mean in general that the advice with wild animals is sort of terrifying
31:06and that you're supposed to you know if you run away that'll make them really angry and they can
31:10catch up with you so you've got to make yourself look enormous but not threatening
31:15loud noise quietly or you know
31:18make sure you get it right though that's just animal definitely remember this pamphlet
31:23in the case of the wolf in the case of the wolf all you have to do is remember it's
31:26a pack animal so
31:27if you come across one it's going to be the one that runs away right it really is not going
31:31to attack
31:31you and if it's a pack unless it's if it's a pack of wolves they really you've been worn by
31:36some
31:36severe howling and you're an idiot and you deserve to be eaten
31:39you only hope you haven't passed your jeans on in the window domino you could confuse you could
31:44confuse the wolf and go to the toilet that's true and just see what it see what it does
31:49there is one animal you're supposed to do a shit and that terrifies them or makes a smell that
31:55confuses them yes i think you're their mother or something the human animal i think if you
31:59if you're faced with a pack of humans and you do a shit very good way of keeping a double
32:13seat on a
32:13coach yes another children's story that originally was pretty dark was written by see if this will
32:20help you carlo collodi does that help someone in the audience wanting to shout out again go on then
32:26pinocchio is the right answer and in the original story the first version he kills jiminy cricket with
32:31a hammer who can blame him wouldn't you want to kill your conscience with a hammer yeah later he's
32:38robbed and beaten and has his legs burnt off and eventually hanged by a cat and a fox for being
32:43smug
32:45that's me in trouble so they cut their feet off don't they or the well the sisters cut their feet
32:50off so
32:50they can get the stumps and the slippers yeah that's right all these stories are pretty grim they
32:55are oh grim literally of course um now let's see how big history is who can you see here let's
33:02have a
33:02look it was filmed in 1902 who's the august gentleman in the beard is george the fifth
33:15it's not it's not edward the seven no i know it looks so like father christmas and it took place
33:28in
33:281902 which was the year of ever the seventh coronation you could have paid to spend a penny
33:34bonus but um i'll let you get extra points if you can spot the lavatory attendant in this
33:42is he going to the lavatory in the film
33:46it's the man sitting down in the throne the man you thought was ever the seventh is in fact a
33:51lavatory attendant he doesn't look so much like edward the seventh no that's because he's in profile now
33:56i see he did look a bit like him full on it's not hd either no it's not hd it's
34:01the early days of
34:02cinema and the early days of cinema were dominated by one nation more than any other really and they
34:06were france the french yes exactly the french and in 1902 a french filmmaker called george melier
34:11decided to film the coronation but he wasn't allowed in westminster abbey as soon as they heard
34:16how loud the film camera was when it was being cranked so they said we will have none of that
34:19nonsense
34:20here so he decided to restage it in france and in a studio and he found this lavatory attendant who
34:26had
34:26a nice beard who was the right size big adipose deposit uh tubby chap in other words and he
34:33basically went through all the you know elements of the coronation as happened and so it was the first
34:39filmed simulacrum of the coronation but it wasn't the real thing in fact edward was ill for the real
34:44day so he was able then to go to england and film the carriages arriving and cut that into the
34:49footage
34:49and so that was the only real part the rest of it was made up and what was the catering
34:54like
34:54probably wonderful if it was french i should imagine the film put to right the awkward fact
34:58that in real life the queen queen alexander was quite a bit taller than edward that picture hides
35:03it as well and it also shows bits of the coronation that didn't happen because some bits were omitted
35:09because the king had been rather ill which is why he was late what else oh yes the film went
35:13more
35:13smoothly than the real thing in the actual ceremony the very elderly and almost blind archbishop of
35:17canterbury put the crown on backwards he also had to kneel down to swear fealty to the king and then
35:32he couldn't get up again so the king had to help him up that's what royalty should be a blind
35:37archbishop
35:37of canterbury and a great big fat king who keeps getting terrible constipation and being unable to
35:43turn up at his own coronation exactly but the film you'll be pleased to know was a huge success
35:48briefly made that lavatory attendant one of the most famous film stars in the world 1902 there weren't
35:53many to compare him with but he was huge he was one of the biggest film star of the world
35:58yeah exactly
35:59and the king saw it when it came out and he enjoyed it hugely apparently according to a letter sent
36:03to
36:03us by pauline millier who is the great great granddaughter of the filmmaker thank you pauline
36:09what the sending is that i think edward thought it was real he looked at it and said i think
36:13i've
36:13lost weight of course you did so in the film the coronation of ever the seventh the man on the
36:19throne is a lavatory attendant now it's time for a bit of general ignorance so fingers on buzzers
36:23please where is the duchy of cornwall yes devon no you're right
36:38that's to say more of it is in devon than is in cornwall it's mainly in waitrose now
36:45in terms of value one packet of those biscuits would buy you a farmhouse
36:51somebody from australia what what's a duchy is it something that you've passed to the left hand side
36:57a duchy isn't just another way for a dukedom one of the titles that was given to the prince of
37:01wales when he was invested as prince of wales in 1973 was the duke of cornwall which is typical
37:06there he was getting invested that's the cornish flag that's the cornish flag and that's pretty much
37:12all that could be said on that subject i think but you've got it right now what does a cowboy
37:16call his
37:16rope a lasso no does he call it a rope he does you're on fire
37:36lassos and lariats and so on if you use that word it would be a dead giveaway that you are
37:40you know
37:40like betty crystal a city slicker in the world of the wild west they weren't invented in the wild west
37:45of course obviously they've been used before ancient egyptians used them to capture antelopes
37:49and wild oxen however they didn't use horses the ancient egyptians they're catching a hippo with
37:54one that's very impressive hippos are nasty aren't they they're not they kill lots of people even
38:01though they're vegetarians yeah yeah used by attacking boats and things like that but nasa is
38:06planning to use a lasso to capture what would you imagine stuff in space that's flying around
38:11dangerously a bit like in gravity well it's not dangerous stuff it's an asteroid it can't
38:16last do an asteroid would you believe oh and drag it into orbit around all their ideas so ridiculous
38:22they can choose a small ones about seven meters across so it shouldn't be too difficult a specific
38:26type which would break up armlessly in the earth's atmosphere in case it sends sandra bullock to do it
38:32it's a wonderful country is that there yes look at it oh hi it's about to be obliterated
38:43you better stay here pal you can buy wonderful clothes in australia can't you where it's upside down
38:48because there's no reason to suppose that's the earth the right way up you know a spaceship approaching
38:52earth could easily show straight at the top which company makes the most tires in the world
38:59good year oh i had a very good year thank you no not good yet harry hill used to do
39:06that
39:07they used to play bett lynch and uh played what was the character julie uh julie um good
39:14years yeah not bad thanks it's like the uh who's that austrian racing driver nikki nikki louder who is
39:21that australia did you did you know that that um that that actress was um stabbed um it's a sad
39:30story that actress was stabbed um she was in legally blonde race with a spoon no with a knife
39:36oh who's that actress in who was in friends court courtney courtney what's her name cox
39:44courtney court no not lately um silly silly silly silly silly sorry a good one to finish on though
39:53yeah a very good one so who makes the most tires in the world it's not good yet a major
39:56tire
39:57manufacturer yes it's not one more um firestone firestone no not firestone
40:08you'll get you'll get you'll get pirelli not pirelli no
40:17oh the audience gets the answer it's lego very good very good
40:26it sort of depends how you define a tire doesn't it it does they're not pneumatic it must be said
40:32but then tires pneumatic tires and they're not there before pneumatic tires well there you are on
40:38that uh interesting lego note that's all for tonight leaving only the little matter of the scores
40:44how interesting they are i'm afraid to say in a rather convincing last place with minus 48 it's david
40:56mitchell
40:57and a full a full 30 points ahead with minus 18 joe brand
41:07most impressively skating on no point alan davis
41:22say what you like about them
41:30every cliche proven bad winners
41:36graceless but unquestionably nearly always victorious our winner currently
41:50good night
41:51so it's good night to john and david joe alan and me and i leave you with the last words
41:56of british
41:56politician henry fox if mr selwyn calls again show him up if i am alive i should be delighted to
42:04see him if i am dead
42:06he would be delighted to see me
42:08you
42:08you
42:09you
42:09you
42:09you
Comments