- 15 minutes ago
First broadcast 28th November 2014.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Josh Widdicombe
Aisling Bea
Tony Hawks
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Josh Widdicombe
Aisling Bea
Tony Hawks
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, the show
00:07that tickles the armpit of tedium with the feather duster of interestingness. Tonight, we're taking a lingering look at love.
00:16My guests are the lovely Josh Widdicombe.
00:22That love machine, Tony Hawks. The best beloved, Aisling B. And a complete lovey, Alan Davies.
00:42So, let's hear their love calls. Josh goes...
00:47Oh, is that my buzzer?
00:48Yes.
00:50You can give another love call if you want.
00:53I thought I was going to have to get my phone out.
00:57What am I wearing?
01:01Oh, Ashley goes...
01:06Oh, Frank and Hunter.
01:11Tony goes...
01:13Oh, yes. And Alan goes...
01:26It wouldn't be possible to run one's fingers through your hair without there being some awful rending noise.
01:34I ought to tell you, though, because it's the L series, there is the likelihood of one question being lavatorial.
01:39And if it is, you can spend a penny.
01:46Very good. And if you correctly spend your penny when I ask the question, you get extra points. It's that
01:51simple. Right, to get you in the mood, here are some foods for you to try. You should have some
01:55on your little prop tables.
01:56Oh, you've got chocolates there, Josh. You've got a potato, Alan.
02:01What have you got for me?
02:03Well, I don't...
02:04Oh, champagne!
02:05It looks like champagne.
02:06Or probably carth.
02:07You could have had a wee in here earlier for all I know.
02:10LAUGHTER
02:10You wouldn't want it to fizz, though, wouldn't you?
02:12No, you wouldn't.
02:14LAUGHTER
02:15Is your oyster on top...
02:17LAUGHTER
02:19Yes, it is.
02:20It is.
02:21I hope it's fresh. I think it's fresh and edible if you want to eat it.
02:23Well, I hope it's fresh as well.
02:25You can drop it in the champagne. It's quite delicious.
02:26Oh, God. I love...
02:28I'm allergic to champagne. Literally.
02:30Are you? Yeah.
02:30No, I can't drink it.
02:31Oh, darling. It's simply terrible for you.
02:34LAUGHTER
02:35Christopher Hitchens rather wonderfully said,
02:37the four most overrated things in the world
02:39are lobster, champagne, anal sex and picnics.
02:43LAUGHTER
02:44And he won't like champagne.
02:47What a night that would have been!
02:50LAUGHTER
02:52Come on, they're all daytime.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:57Anyway, so you, by all means, eat yours,
02:58but what do you think they have to do with our theme?
03:00Chocolate?
03:02Um...
03:03Sexy foods.
03:04Yeah, yeah.
03:04Aphrodisiacs.
03:05They're considered to be aphrodisiacs.
03:07Oysters are long been considered it.
03:10LAUGHTER
03:10Potatoes?
03:11Yes, Alan. A thousand times, yes.
03:13LAUGHTER
03:14You can go on a date, of course,
03:16with two potatoes and a carrot
03:17and lay them out on the desk or the table
03:20in a very erotic way.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:23And tantalise people.
03:25That's true.
03:26LAUGHTER
03:31At what point in the date do you pull out the potato?
03:34Well, the desk.
03:35I admit that the desk on the date,
03:37the date's going badly wrong.
03:40Well, do have a piece of chocolate,
03:42do sip your champagne
03:43and do, by all means, um...
03:44I mean...
03:45Have your oyster.
03:46I do love oysters, but one time I did get poisoning,
03:49er...
03:50On a Valentine's Day.
03:52On a Valentine's Day?
03:53LAUGHTER
03:55I'm just eating your potato raw.
03:58Is that allowed?
04:01Ooh.
04:02Ooh.
04:03OK, here she goes, here she goes,
04:05oyster down.
04:06Oh.
04:06It's bigger than I'm used to.
04:07Hey.
04:08Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
04:10How is it?
04:11Oh, very nice.
04:12I'm definitely going to take this episode,
04:14I can tell you that.
04:15I'll try your chocolate, I think.
04:17Oh, they're very nice.
04:17They might have rose petals or violets.
04:20Are you all right, Alan?
04:20I feel horny.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:22Look out, Josh.
04:27The place worked.
04:28Bloody hell, two bites.
04:30LAUGHTER
04:31Well, the reason that potatoes were considered
04:34to be aphrodisiac at one point in history,
04:36this may be something Ashley knows,
04:38is that when they were introduced to Ireland
04:40as a major crop,
04:42the population of Ireland increased a huge amount.
04:45It was simply because there was less starvation
04:47than there had been before.
04:48Though, as we know, there was then the terrible potato blight,
04:51and the population reduced.
04:52Not to bring it up.
04:53I'm sorry, I didn't know this.
04:55It was a bad man in Irish history.
04:57It's fine.
04:58I'm nearly over it.
05:01There's still more guilts to be got out of it from us.
05:04Starbs are the last thing you'd want before sex.
05:07I don't know if it would make you feel heavy, wouldn't it?
05:08Yeah.
05:09That's how long you want to go on for, Josh.
05:12LAUGHTER
05:12Just slow release.
05:13Porish.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16Slow release.
05:17Oh, I didn't mean it like that, Stephen.
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23I'm going to have a chocolate and stop lowering the tone, I think.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27The fact is, if you go online,
05:28not that this is the most authoritative way of finding out,
05:31but almost any food that you put next to the word aphrodisiac
05:33in a search field
05:34will return a result of some kind.
05:37There seems to be no food in history
05:38that hasn't been regarded at some time as aphrodisiac.
05:41There's a wonderful book called Venus in the Kitchen by Norman Douglas,
05:43which includes such things as almond soup and sow's vulva
05:48and trust crane, all kinds of extraordinary dishes,
05:52most of which are classical.
05:53Can we go back to the second one?
05:55LAUGHTER
05:56Sows vulva.
05:57Sows vulva.
05:57It begins with one of the words,
05:59take that part of the pig, which you ask your butcher, I assume, to cut.
06:04Imagine going into the butcher,
06:05hiya, can I get a pound of mince and some sow's vulva?
06:09LAUGHTER
06:09I think he's going to propose.
06:12Sows vulva usually comes in on a Thursday, I'm fresh out.
06:15LAUGHTER
06:17If you're making someone eat that,
06:19they don't want to have sex with you.
06:20Well, I agree, it's pretty much enforced, isn't it?
06:23Yeah.
06:23Any other vulvas?
06:25I'm...
06:26Very good point.
06:27It's the south vulva that's a good place to be, yeah.
06:29How many other animals have a vulva?
06:32Well, mammals, I would hope.
06:33Do they?
06:34Well, not all mammals, not egg-laying mammals,
06:36but just about any other kind, wouldn't they?
06:38Do they?
06:40What are you talking about?
06:42It's a very...
06:43It's a Swedish car, Steve.
06:45No, it's a Swedish car.
06:47LAUGHTER
06:48It's a Swedish car that's due for a cervix.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:54But it's all nonsense, isn't it?
06:56Do you know they exist?
06:58LAUGHTER
07:00You mean aphrodisiac, sir?
07:02Aphrodisiacs, I think, they're...
07:04It's all a myth, isn't it?
07:06It seems to be, I don't think there's any way of proving it.
07:09It's so hard to...
07:09If I understand correctly, it's about the brain sex.
07:14Yeah, yeah.
07:14The limbic lobe in the brain sends a message to your pelvic area.
07:20Yeah.
07:21Sometimes by carrier pigeon.
07:23LAUGHTER
07:23And these foods, they don't affect that part of the brain.
07:26You're quite the sexy talker, though, aren't you?
07:30Is this your opening line before you take out the potatoes and go?
07:33LAUGHTER
07:34I'm not giving any trade secrets away here tonight.
07:37So you say, Daphne, my limbic system is sending me...
07:39LAUGHTER
07:41Yeah, I think most people would agree that a lack of inhibition
07:44hurries one towards the bedroom,
07:45and alcohol, naturally, is something that would...
07:47But it doesn't enhance the performance.
07:49Shakespeare makes that very point through the portrait of Macbeth, doesn't it?
07:52Does he? I don't care.
07:54LAUGHTER
07:54It increases the desire that it miles the performance.
07:58Yes.
07:59The fact is, there is no proof that, as Tony rightly said,
08:02that, except possibly the alcohol as a disinhibitor,
08:04Galen, the Roman doctor, thought that any food that produced flatulence
08:07was, in some way, aphrodisiac.
08:09This was believed until the 18th century.
08:11We would have thought the opposite.
08:12In Elizabethan times, stewed prunes were so highly regarded
08:15as aphrodisiacs, they were served for free in brothels.
08:18You'd get them to get you up there.
08:20And beans...
08:21LAUGHTER
08:22What, like, outside, like, outside Starbucks?
08:24Yeah.
08:26Have your prunes.
08:28Saint Jerome forbade beans
08:29because he thought that they would make nuns or women extremely horny.
08:34Nuns or women?
08:35They excited the genitals...
08:36LAUGHTER
08:39Who knows what's under there?
08:41Yeah.
08:42They excited the genitals of women, he thought.
08:45Frog juice, putting a frog in a blender,
08:47is, um, considered a Peruvian aphrodisiac.
08:50They have blenders.
08:52Not now.
08:53I mean, I mean, I assume when they first thought of it,
08:55they didn't have blenders.
08:57No, probably not.
08:57The Incans were very, very advanced, though, but...
09:00They probably used, they just sort of...
09:01Pestle and mortar.
09:02Yeah.
09:03Does any of the...
09:03Any of the active ingredients in Viagra occur naturally?
09:08The old bacon.
09:08Oh, good question.
09:10I like that.
09:11I like that.
09:13That would be interesting to know.
09:14Why?
09:15Are you worried about all that potato's done to you?
09:18LAUGHTER
09:19I'm fine.
09:19LAUGHTER
09:21How long does it laugh?
09:23LAUGHTER
09:23Well, there you are.
09:25Almost everything in the history of food
09:26has been reputed to be an aphrodisiac,
09:28even potatoes.
09:29Er, what wouldn't you like to get on Valentine's Day?
09:34Mm, chlamydia.
09:36LAUGHTER
09:38Perfectly reasonable response.
09:41Is that what VD stands for, Valentine's Day?
09:44LAUGHTER
09:45Never occurred to me.
09:46That's brilliant.
09:49This is probably a few people who have heard this,
09:51which is the most tragic thing you can get on Valentine's Day
09:54is the card from your mum.
09:56Oh.
09:57Yes.
09:57Or from my nan, in my case, you know.
10:00LAUGHTER
10:00Vote one from my mum, one from my nan, you know.
10:03Oh, that's sweet, though.
10:04But it's better than a one-way ticket to New Zealand.
10:09LAUGHTER
10:09That would be, yeah.
10:10That would be...
10:10That would be a hint too far.
10:11I once got on a bir...
10:13I'd just split up with my girlfriend,
10:15and it was my birthday.
10:16And my family don't really do birthdays much,
10:19but her family did.
10:21So I received one birthday card,
10:23which was from my ex-girlfriend's mum.
10:26Oh, my goodness.
10:28And I've just realised how bleak that is.
10:31I thought that was an amusing anecdote.
10:33Turns out it's actually the bleakest moment of my life.
10:35I'm all very sorry for you.
10:37Can anyone tell me why on the Valentine's Day cards
10:40you're not supposed to admit that you've sent it?
10:44Cos that's the most pointless thing, isn't it?
10:46You send...
10:47You get a card from someone,
10:48you want to know who it is,
10:49so you can go round and sort them out, don't you?
10:52LAUGHTER
10:52Sort them out?
10:54Oh, yeah.
10:54Sort them out.
10:55Sort them out.
10:56Take them to your office.
10:57Take them to your office.
10:59Show them a spreadsheet.
10:59Show them the desk.
11:00Get the carrot out.
11:02LAUGHTER
11:02Get the carrot and protection out.
11:03Begin the whole process.
11:05LAUGHTER
11:11Well...
11:12The really high watermark of a Valentine card sending
11:16was a 50-year period from 1840 to 1890
11:20when Victorians sent each other Valentine's cards
11:22on Valentine's Day,
11:23but they didn't just send love letters.
11:25They sent what you might almost call hate mail,
11:28but they were known as Vinegar Valentines.
11:31And there's a...
11:32I don't know what that's basically saying.
11:33You are bald and smelly cos flies.
11:36LAUGHTER
11:36You're not very good at DIY.
11:38LAUGHTER
11:41You shouldn't have cut through that wire.
11:44Not surprisingly, they're quite rare
11:46because people who receive them tended to throw them away.
11:49So people who collect cards value them very highly.
11:51What did they expect to sort of get back?
11:54I mean, you know, they think this is really going to help this situation.
11:57I'm afraid it's the same human instinct that is about trolling, you know?
12:00It's accused people of being drunk, ugly, overweight, stuck up.
12:04All the things that trollers accuse people of.
12:06Also, they accuse grocers of cheating their customers
12:09and things like that.
12:10And very often, they didn't put stamps on
12:12so that the recipient had to pay the stamp.
12:14LAUGHTER
12:15Oh, I have a lovely Valentine card, and then they open it.
12:18It's a huge insult.
12:19I mean, it's very mean.
12:21But we do have, I'm glad to say,
12:23this is not really a Vinegar, but it's a rather charming one.
12:25This is one with a moustache.
12:27Ah.
12:28And this is in York Museum, in the York...
12:31Not anymore, it isn't.
12:32Well, yeah.
12:33Good point.
12:34It's from York Castle Museum, and it's got a moustache,
12:37and it says, with heartiest greetings and best hopes,
12:41that she'll soon get another, that's a moustache,
12:43with a man attached.
12:45LAUGHTER
12:46Bit of a joke with this guy.
12:48Yeah, I mean, because sending locks of hair through the post
12:52as a sign of love is a very old thing,
12:54but to send a moustache is quite something, isn't it?
12:57And a little joke of, you know...
12:58You probably know who it was who sent it,
13:00because he'd be going around with no moustache on.
13:02Oh, my God, maybe!
13:03Yeah, exactly.
13:05If you kidnapped a man with a moustache...
13:07Yeah?
13:08...you know, then you'd send the moustache
13:11to show that you've got...
13:11Oh, yeah, that's true!
13:13LAUGHTER
13:14It's kinder than sending in the air, isn't it?
13:17Recognise this moustache?
13:18Yeah!
13:20Salvador Dali's wife is like,
13:22No!
13:23LAUGHTER
13:25Well, that's what a vinegar valentine was.
13:27From love letters to l'amour,
13:29who did Napoleon's ex go out with next?
13:32Are we talking about Josephine?
13:34Well, yes, we are, but not the Empress Josephine.
13:37Oddly enough, he seemed to have a predilection for Josephine.
13:40Well, he had two mistresses.
13:41One was called Josephina,
13:43and one was called Josephine,
13:44neither of whom was the Empress Josephine.
13:46There they are.
13:47There was Josephina Grassini, who was a beautiful dancer,
13:51opera singer, opera dancer, they used to be called her,
13:54and Josephine Weimar, an actress.
13:56So, they were both very beautiful.
13:57She looks like she's doing the single ladies dance,
13:59like she's like,
14:00What?
14:01She's showing how tall Napoleon is.
14:04LAUGHTER
14:06I want one this high!
14:09LAUGHTER
14:11But these, as I say, were different Josephines.
14:13There were later ones.
14:14Just before the Battle of Waterloo,
14:16who was the British ambassador in Paris?
14:20British ambassador...
14:21I'll leave this one to you, Alan.
14:22LAUGHTER
14:23Before Napoleon escaped.
14:25LAUGHTER
14:26Before Napoleon escaped.
14:27It's actually...
14:28It's kind of easier than you think.
14:30He was the victor of Peninsula,
14:31and he'd beaten Napoleon before,
14:33and he was about to beat him again.
14:35It's not Wellington, is it?
14:35Who's the Duke of Wellington?
14:36Duke of Wellington himself.
14:37And there's old Hookie on the right,
14:39and there's Napoleon on the left,
14:41and...
14:41Yeah, Wellington really knew how to rub it in
14:43when he beat someone, as it were.
14:46Did he go out with...?
14:47Yeah, he went out with both of these mistresses.
14:49He seduced both during his stay in Paris as ambassador
14:52in 1814 and 1815,
14:55just before Waterloo,
14:56before the escape of Napoleon.
14:57While Napoleon was in Elba,
14:58having abdicated, if you remember,
15:00able was I ere I saw Elba.
15:02What's odd about that phrase?
15:04It's a palindrome, isn't it?
15:06Yeah, that's right.
15:07Exactly, it's a palindrome.
15:08It's actually a palindrome, guys, so...
15:13And Weimer was the only one who compared the two in bed,
15:16which is extremely unkind of her.
15:18She said,
15:18Monsieur Ledoux,
15:19était beaucoup plus fort,
15:21was a lot stronger in bed.
15:24Four is fiercer, stronger, mightier.
15:28Yeah, better, basically.
15:29Was there a Mrs Wellington, sort of back home,
15:32who was a bit fed up about it?
15:33The Duchess, yeah.
15:34Yeah, she must have been, you know, unimpressed, I'd say.
15:37Well, he famously did have a lot of affairs.
15:39There were so many potatoes around in those days,
15:41there was no doubt that they were up to him.
15:44That's right.
15:44And after the war's ended,
15:45he was presented with Napoleon's sword,
15:47three paintings of him,
15:48and the painting of his sister, Pauline Borghese.
15:53There she is, that's Napoleon's sister there,
15:54with the nipple showing.
15:55She's got something keeping her chin on, as well.
15:58Yes, she has.
16:00Keeping her mouth from falling open.
16:02I think it's a mask.
16:03It's clearly some sort of a face mask,
16:06like, it's got a bit of elastic around the back.
16:08Well, Napoleon had commissioned a statue of himself,
16:10eleven foot tall,
16:11basically twice the height of himself.
16:13And, er, this was,
16:15this was bought by the British government
16:16and given to Wellington,
16:18along with the house they gave him.
16:19Do you remember what it's called?
16:20It's got one for the famous...
16:21Oh, number one London.
16:23Number one London.
16:24Oh, wow.
16:24And it really works.
16:26If you get into a cab and say,
16:27number one London,
16:28the cab will go,
16:29I've always wanted someone to say that.
16:31And they will take you there.
16:33Is that going to be the sculpture of Napoleon?
16:35That is it.
16:35In the, I know, somewhat idealized,
16:37to say the least,
16:38in the stairwell of Apsley House,
16:40as it's also called.
16:41Where is number one London?
16:43It's a Hyde Park corner.
16:44It's easier to spot in real life,
16:46because there isn't a bloody great big picture.
16:50The Duke Wellington,
16:51Beef Wellington man.
16:52Yes.
16:52He is named after him.
16:53Yep.
16:54And the boots.
16:54And the boots as well.
16:55The military figure had articles of clothing named after him.
16:57Particularly, for some reason,
16:58the Crimean War.
16:59There was Lord Cardigan,
17:00who was in charge of the Light Brigade.
17:02Balaclava.
17:03The Balaclava helmet.
17:04Absolutely.
17:04And the...
17:05Jodhpur.
17:06Jodhpur's a place, I think.
17:07But Raglan was also part of...
17:09Dr. Martin.
17:09Raglan.
17:10Raglan.
17:12The Raglan sleeve.
17:14Lord Bobble hat.
17:15Lord...
17:16Arnold's a level.
17:17Earl of sandwich.
17:19Earl of sandwich.
17:20Or Colonel's scarf.
17:21Old jockstrap.
17:24The Earl of Head and Shoulders.
17:25Lieutenant Washington.
17:26Well, there were a lot.
17:27A few.
17:28So, good.
17:29The Duke of Wellington's conquests included Napoleon
17:31and no fewer than two of his exes.
17:34Who would bite their arm off to get their leg over?
17:37Love is all around me.
17:40Yes, Josh.
17:42You!
17:43Oh, Lord!
17:52Even if we hadn't got that one ready,
17:53you'd already reveal what a sad act you are
17:55and we would have typed it into it.
17:57It must be from the animal kingdom.
17:59It is from the animal kingdom.
18:01And what type of animals usually have to suffer
18:03in order to...
18:05Usually...
18:06Spiders are usually...
18:07Spiders is the right act.
18:08Oh!
18:08Look at that one.
18:09It's a particular kind of spider.
18:11There's the female on the left
18:12and there's the male on the right.
18:17That's a nice bracket there, isn't it?
18:19He's going to have a Napoleon complex, isn't he?
18:21He really is.
18:22Have you seen that picture of Bernie Eccleston
18:24and his ex-wife?
18:28He's been...
18:29He's said to his mates, his mates have said,
18:31no, don't bother.
18:32She's too big for you.
18:33He's going, no, I can get her out.
18:35You watch, you watch.
18:36She's no problem at all, mate.
18:38He actually...
18:39He won't let her wear heels on a night out, will he?
18:42She is a hundred times bigger.
18:44And if we see him close up, you might notice...
18:49It's quite hard to see, but the front two,
18:51the left one is curled inwards a bit,
18:53but the right one is straight up,
18:54are actually penis legs.
18:57Oh!
18:58He has eight legs like any spider,
19:00but the front two are penises
19:02and are charged with...
19:03I've got a couple of them down under here.
19:06The old penis leg there.
19:08They're called pedipalps.
19:10And the thing he does in order
19:13to get a better chance of shagging that enormous female,
19:16is he actually spins some silk
19:20and ties it round one of his penis legs
19:23and pulls so that it basically pulls it off.
19:26So he actually tears it off.
19:28If he pulls it off, there's no point in having sex with her.
19:31No, there's one left.
19:32Oh!
19:32And it gives him a speed advantage.
19:34So he's much, much quicker,
19:36so he can scuttle after her.
19:37Wow!
19:37It all seems the most complicated life cycle,
19:40the oddest procedure, but it's honestly true.
19:42It's the male tent cobweb spider.
19:44So the males that do this are 44% faster
19:47than ones who've kept both their penis legs.
19:50Um, but even then, when they get the female,
19:52which is their reward,
19:53the female then can suck them dry and discard them.
19:56Yeah.
19:56Which...
19:56Oh, isn't that just the way?
19:58Yeah.
19:59For you.
20:00You deserve it.
20:01You're old bastards.
20:02Hang on, hang on.
20:03Mum sends him a card.
20:06Is this really equivalent of this?
20:09Katie Price.
20:10No.
20:14The octopus has a penis arm, didn't we?
20:16Yes, that's right.
20:17Completely correct.
20:18I read this, that the eight legs of the octopus
20:20all function independently
20:22and they don't know what the other ones are doing.
20:24Isn't that weird?
20:25The only thing in the world
20:27that an octopus sucker won't stick to
20:29is an octopus leg.
20:31Which is for sure.
20:32Which is why they don't get all tangled up.
20:33Yeah.
20:34I know things about octopuses.
20:36You do.
20:36You do.
20:37You do.
20:38Research has tested the tent cobweb spider
20:40rather meanly by chasing them,
20:41some intact, some not,
20:43round the little running track
20:44to see how long they lasted.
20:45And the spiders with intact sex organs
20:47lasted 16 minutes on average,
20:49but the spiders that had snapped one off
20:51or snipped one off
20:52lasted up to 28 minutes.
20:54So it is a big advantage.
20:55Once you've made it, of course,
20:57you have to bring up the children.
20:58To that end,
20:59what are the advantages of having a goat
21:01as a nanny?
21:02Let there be love.
21:06I think it's because they've got hooves.
21:09And if you had a nanny that had hooves,
21:12they couldn't sneak up on you.
21:16That's true.
21:18The fact is, nanny goats are called nanny goats
21:20for a dashed good reason.
21:22In the days of foundlings
21:23who were left on church doors,
21:25if you left a baby on a church steps,
21:28it was a foundling
21:29and it was therefore thrown on the mercy of the parish
21:31and it had to be fed.
21:32And, of course, there was no such thing as SMA
21:34or cow and gate or anything like that.
21:36The only way they could get milk was from a breast.
21:39So you had wet nurses.
21:40But you also had goats.
21:43And goats were amazing.
21:45They'd feed on the goat?
21:46Yeah, they'd feed on the goat.
21:47Very good stuff.
21:48Straight from the teat.
21:49Straight from the teat?
21:50It's better than until 1870,
21:52pasteurization was invented by Pasteur, obviously.
21:55It was the healthiest way.
21:56You could have it straight from the teat.
21:57Was the goat okay with it?
22:00Not only okay, let me...
22:01I've seen Jutta's little eyes light up
22:03and go straight from the teat.
22:03Yeah!
22:05And you say goats are afraid of it.
22:08Not only okay, you may have seen cows
22:10that are desperate to be milked
22:11and they queue up for the dairy
22:13in order to be milked.
22:14Well, goats are the same
22:14if they're ready to give suck.
22:16So we have here a description what?
22:19Whoa!
22:21Um...
22:24You know, the phrase, Shakespearean again, Lady Macbeth.
22:29French doctor Alphonse Leroy described it
22:31in a founding hospital in France.
22:33Each goat which comes to feed
22:34enters bleating
22:36and goes to hunt the infant
22:38which has been assigned to it.
22:40So there's a particular child
22:41that it's been assigned to.
22:42Pushes back the covering of the bed
22:44with its horns, like that.
22:47Sounds familiar.
22:48And straddles the crib
22:50to give suck to the infant.
22:52Sounds like an accident waiting to happen.
22:55LAUGHTER
22:56Goat soup from the...
22:57Can you imagine trying to get insurance
22:58for that now in the NHS?
23:00So we just have this goat, straddle a baby
23:01and then the baby will just start to notice
23:03sub off the goat.
23:05Imagine the Daily Mail all over that.
23:07Whoa!
23:07Maybe.
23:08Maybe.
23:08One straddles baby.
23:10Why do they have...
23:11Why goats?
23:12Why not...?
23:13Well, it's a very good question.
23:14Cow's just a bit too big, I think,
23:16to go into a little...
23:17Go over the crib.
23:18Go over the crib.
23:19Go over the crib.
23:19I don't want to pat on the head.
23:20Hey!
23:23Hey!
23:2613 years!
23:28Been waiting for that.
23:33You asked about goats
23:34and some people thought into the 19th century
23:35that breast milk contained
23:37not only nutrition
23:38but the character traits
23:39of whoever gave it.
23:40So if the mother was a loose woman
23:42and had given the baby out of wedlock
23:44she wasn't to be trusted
23:46to give milk to her baby
23:47because she would be
23:48passing on her immorality to the child.
23:50This is how mad we once were.
23:52Well, how do they know
23:52what the goat's been up to?
23:55Well...
23:55Who has only been married with goats?
23:59It might have been an unmarried goat.
24:00You're absolutely right.
24:03Don't be a goat.
24:04In 1816 there was a writer
24:06who compared different milks
24:07and wrote the definitive book called
24:09The goat is the best and most agreeable wet nurse.
24:12Others preferred donkeys
24:13which are thought to have
24:14a better moral reputation.
24:16They are very noble.
24:18They carried our lord.
24:19That's it.
24:19In Palm Sunday.
24:20I'll remember it.
24:21Exactly.
24:22And then there was the syphilis outbreak
24:23in the 16th and 18th centuries.
24:26Oh, they're the parties over.
24:27Yeah.
24:28And goat wet nurses were used there
24:31and unfortunately they were used very unkindly
24:33because...
24:33What's he up to?
24:34Yeah.
24:35Oh, okay.
24:37Fair enough.
24:38This better be for the baby.
24:42I think that's a different bloke
24:44that usually does it
24:45according to that goat's face.
24:49Hang on a minute.
24:50That's not the grip I'm using.
24:52Hello.
24:53That's a bit firm.
24:57Do you know what I find out about
24:58I don't have kids
24:59so maybe women in the audience will know
25:00that when you're breastfeeding your child
25:03if you're, say, in a supermarket
25:05or something like that
25:06and someone else's baby cries
25:08you leak like a spider sense.
25:11Yes.
25:11Is it not true?
25:12Any women have had...
25:13Yeah, it's a...
25:14There's a bloke up there going,
25:15yep.
25:18Or always leak when I hear a baby cry.
25:25I don't even know why that's funny.
25:28Isn't that true, though?
25:28It is, isn't it?
25:29But if you have,
25:30you've presumably expressed into a pot
25:31and given it to the babysitter.
25:33That's what happens, isn't it?
25:34Why would the babysitter want some?
25:38There was an ice cream shop.
25:40That makes a million.
25:40There was an ice cream shop.
25:41Shot glasses.
25:42It would have been fine.
25:43Haven't you sold anything in the fridge?
25:45There was a brief time in ice cream shop,
25:47wasn't there, here in London
25:48which sold a human breast milk ice cream.
25:51You say a very brief time
25:53because it's the worst business plan of all time.
25:56Yes, you're right.
25:57You try it once, I think,
25:58like incest or country dancing.
26:03Wish that were my own.
26:04You've not been to Davin, Stephen.
26:08I come from Norfolk, for God.
26:11No, the sad thing about the syphilis outbreaks
26:13of the 16th and 18th century
26:14is that it was believed then,
26:15indeed all the way up to the 19th century,
26:17that one of the cures for syphilis,
26:18a kill or cure really,
26:19was mercury,
26:20which is poisonous,
26:21as I'm sure you know.
26:23And they decided a good delivery system
26:25for babies that were born syphilitic
26:27was to make them suckle
26:29on the milk of goats
26:31that had been fed mercury.
26:32A lot of goats died that way.
26:34So, unkind.
26:35Did the babies die?
26:36Probably.
26:36It probably didn't help them any.
26:38I mean, it's not good for the brain at all
26:39when you're growing brain.
26:40It's good for thermometers.
26:41It's very good for thermometers, I agree.
26:43These days, thermometers
26:43have little air-click things and everything.
26:46They've really moved on, haven't they?
26:47Yes, they have.
26:48No.
26:48In the air, ping, like that.
26:50So amazing.
26:51Or you could stick a thing under the armpit.
26:53Or, but more difficult.
26:55Mmm, more fun.
26:59Under the tongue.
27:00Oh, under the tongue.
27:01Under the tongue.
27:01What were you thinking?
27:05More difficult, though,
27:06for you to, like,
27:07fake your temperature to get off school, though.
27:09I know.
27:09I used to stir coffee with it and things like that.
27:11Yeah.
27:11No.
27:12You were having coffee as a schoolboy.
27:15At the university.
27:18Well, I'm not ready for primary school.
27:20I'll just have this latte and stay here.
27:24Oh, lawks.
27:27Anyway, now to bundles of love.
27:29Why did the Puritans want lusty young men to get into the sack?
27:35That picture tells a story.
27:36Let there be love.
27:40I think that they, it was, it's to do with them not having sex.
27:44Yes.
27:45Early on.
27:46Right.
27:47Because they were Puritans.
27:48And they thought sex was evil or you shouldn't do it,
27:50certainly until you were married or anything like that.
27:52Completely correct.
27:52So, I, they had a thing called bundling.
27:56Yeah, absolutely right.
27:57Where they put them into sacks.
27:59That's right.
28:00Or something, was it?
28:01That's right, so there was getting the young man into the sack
28:03in that literal sense.
28:04You put the man in a sack and he could sleep next to his intended,
28:07or he could have a board between them like that.
28:10I mean, what kind of man can't get over that?
28:15You've got the old handheld drill under the cover.
28:22He's actually looking at that and saying,
28:24this is more over my size.
28:26Yeah.
28:29Does the duvet go under the...?
28:31It does.
28:32You basically fit this wooden thing on once you've made the bed.
28:35Are you sure they haven't just misread the instructions to an Ikea bed?
28:41The Ikea bundling kit.
28:44For your column bed.
28:46Why were they sleeping together before a marriage?
28:49Well, I think that they did want them to get used to each other conversationally.
28:53Yes, that's right.
28:53Well, genuinely, that was it.
28:54Yeah.
28:54I believe that's the idea.
28:55So, that was bundling.
28:57It was an American and Dutch tradition which Americans took to,
28:59particularly in Pennsylvania, where a lot of Dutch people went.
29:02Teenagers in sacks has a certain logic, but frogs in underpants.
29:06What would you do that for?
29:09Or...?
29:09If you'd run out of carrots.
29:15It sounds like a new game show on Channel 5, frogs in underpants.
29:19Frogs in underpants.
29:19It does, doesn't it?
29:20That frog is smiling because of what that bloke's doing with his right hand.
29:24Well, actually, he's putting frogs in their own underpants.
29:26Putting underpants on frogs is actually where we're tending.
29:30Is it something the French do?
29:32To make them more appetizing?
29:37Well...
29:38Snap a thom on it.
29:39In pants.
29:41It was actually an Italian priest who did this.
29:44He was quite a clever fellow.
29:45Oh, I don't think he was.
29:47He had a long time on his hands, though, didn't he?
29:50Well, yes.
29:50Up until the 18th century, they didn't know what sperm was for.
29:53And why would they?
29:54It doesn't seem so obvious to us.
29:55And so, like all good scientists, this particular fellow,
29:58who was internally called...
30:00Thinking of a frog in some underpants.
30:01He was called Lazzaro Spallanzani.
30:04It's the obvious next step.
30:05So Spallanzani...
30:07Yeah, what it is, if you think about it,
30:08he knew that frogs fertilized their eggs outside the female's body.
30:12So it was quite...
30:13It's a lot simpler than doing it to an animal that actually shagged,
30:16you know, like we do.
30:16Don't do that with a chair.
30:18Sorry.
30:21Did he get spotted?
30:25It was an easy way of testing because the females lay the eggs
30:28and the males come along and the eggs are fertilized.
30:30So he thought,
30:31if I cover these in little taffeta pans,
30:33which he put on the frogs,
30:36the frogs then dried, you know,
30:38and the eggs did not fertilize.
30:39So he was able to make the correct assumption
30:41that the semen was necessary for fertilizing eggs.
30:44And he extrapolated that into other animals.
30:46But he didn't just work on frog sperm,
30:48so I would say he was clever.
30:50Spallanzani...
30:50He also was one of the first people to carry out artificial insemination
30:53on a spaniel.
30:55The first person to suggest that bats use sound to navigate in the dark.
30:58He experimented on snail regeneration.
31:00This was slightly less kind.
31:02He had this idea,
31:03I think it was known that snails could regenerate their heads,
31:05so he took quite a lot of them, 423,
31:07cut all their heads off.
31:09Did he say he was a priest?
31:10Yes.
31:11He wasn't doing many sermons.
31:14Quite a lot of people were priests.
31:15Very small parish.
31:18So 423 snails,
31:20of which a fifth supposedly grew their heads back,
31:22which is not a lot,
31:23but it would be a lot more than if he'd done it to humans.
31:28He also, this is a very extraordinary experiment,
31:31he tested the power of gastric juices
31:33by putting food in a sort of cheesecloth bag,
31:36which he tied up,
31:36and then swallowed and lowered into his tummy on a string,
31:39and then brought it up to see how much it had been...
31:42Oh, my God.
31:42Yeah.
31:43But how else would you do it?
31:44He sounds like one of those people
31:45you just would not want to get stuck with at a dinner party.
31:48That would be true.
31:49Oh, yeah.
31:50Good.
31:50Yeah.
31:51When he's getting out his cheesecloth for the dinner,
31:55trying it out.
31:55Excuse me.
31:58But now for something more unpleasant still,
32:00what horror was first shown in the film Psycho?
32:05Washington.
32:07Was it someone in the shower?
32:13I mean, she's in the shower, but you...
32:16The film shot took 30 days to film,
32:18which is very short by any Hollywood standards,
32:21and seven of those days were devoted to the shower scene.
32:25Janet Leigh...
32:25He actually got it in the first day, but...
32:31There was a toilet in the shower scene.
32:37Yes.
32:38Is that it?
32:39Yeah.
32:44It's not just that there is one.
32:46It's the first time one had been seen flushed,
32:48with the water going round.
32:50It spirals down the lavatory.
32:52The film is black and white.
32:54There's the murderer.
32:55We won't say who they or he or she is.
32:58And...
32:58It's considered one a masterpiece now,
33:00particularly the Bernard Herrmann score, which...
33:03Didn't they make a shot-for-shot remake of something?
33:06They did. What a disaster.
33:07What?
33:08Colour.
33:09Oh, colour.
33:09It was in colour.
33:11There's a whole generation of people who,
33:12if they're going...
33:13If they're channel surfing,
33:13and they see something in black and white,
33:15will never stop to look at it.
33:17Which is extraordinary, given the...
33:19Yeah.
33:19Probably most of the best films...
33:20Not even Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid.
33:21Probably.
33:22Most of the best films ever made in black and white.
33:24It just seems so extraordinarily sad.
33:25Not even Bored by Danny Rose.
33:26I know.
33:26I know.
33:28Elephant Man.
33:29Why did you point at me when you said Elephant Man?
33:37Good to have you on the show, John.
33:41That was purely accidental.
33:44Anyway.
33:45Psycho was the first film to feature a flushing lavatory.
33:48From flushing to blushing.
33:49Why did half the brides in London go to prison?
33:52Here's all.
33:53Because it's here all.
33:55Love and marriage.
33:57Because women like a bad boy.
33:59Well, that is a syndrome, of course.
34:01You're absolutely right.
34:02There are women who fall into conflict.
34:04Let there be love.
34:07They used to have weddings sometimes in prisons.
34:11They did.
34:11And there was a good reason for that.
34:13We're going back...
34:14150 years?
34:15Probably even more than that.
34:16We're talking really the 18th century
34:17because there was a law brought in to stop it happening.
34:20But essentially there were certain kinds of prisons.
34:21Obviously there were prisons where people were sent
34:23for committing crimes.
34:26But you were in prison really commonly.
34:29Charles Dickens' father is an example.
34:31For debt.
34:31For debt, exactly.
34:33And the most famous debtors' prisons were...
34:35One was the Marshalsea, which is where little Dorrit is set,
34:38and Charles Dickens' father was.
34:39And the other was called the Fleet Prison.
34:41The Fleet Prison was the most popular for this.
34:44And there's a picture of it.
34:45It had a yard.
34:46And people were more or less free.
34:48They went a bit far with that wall, don't you think?
34:52No, higher than that.
34:53No, I've seen them jump.
34:54They can jump.
34:56They can make ladders out of shoes.
34:57I've seen them pile.
35:00Alan, it's because they kept losing their ball over the wall.
35:04They can get out the top window, isn't it?
35:06Quite a lot of the people who got into debt were priests.
35:09And they didn't get defrocked for it.
35:10It wasn't a defrockable offence,
35:12so they didn't get cast out of the church.
35:14So they retained their ability, their licence to marry.
35:17So if you wanted to get married in a hurry,
35:20you went to an indebted priest,
35:21and he wouldn't charge that much,
35:23and it would go against his debt,
35:25the debt that he had to pay to get out of prison.
35:27So it all worked very nicely.
35:29So if you're in debt, how do you get out of prison?
35:33Your family or someone eventually raises the money.
35:37So you're basically kept as a kind of hostage.
35:39It's a miserable business.
35:41I mean, it doesn't look that miserable.
35:42This looks like an advert for come to prison.
35:47You were pretty much allowed to mingle.
35:49Your children, brothers, sisters,
35:50a visiting day was available.
35:52If you read Little Dorit,
35:53you'll see that Little Dorit's father
35:54was kind of the king of the marshalsea.
35:55He had the best rooms,
35:56and he was treated as if he was a great gentleman.
35:58That would be worth.
36:00Think how much that property would be worth in London.
36:02Oh, goodness me.
36:03The wall alone.
36:04Yeah?
36:05You've got outside space.
36:07It's lovely.
36:07They don't get tennis rackets in prisons these days, do they?
36:11They're all out playing tennis.
36:13Don't go to the warder and just say,
36:15I'm just off for a game of tennis.
36:16No, that's true.
36:17And this person at the bottom left,
36:18are they smoking a crack pipe?
36:20Yeah.
36:21It does look a bit like that.
36:22They are.
36:24Fleet weddings were brought to an end by 1753
36:26by Lord Hardwick, his marriage act.
36:28So after that,
36:29most people who wanted an irregular marriage,
36:31as it was called,
36:32went to...
36:33Where did they have to go to
36:34to get married in a hurry?
36:35Gretna Green.
36:36Gretna Green is the right answer,
36:38the nearest they could get to.
36:39Where was that?
36:39Just over the Scottish border,
36:41where law was different.
36:42The effect of the act was
36:43that it got rid of this idea
36:44of a common law marriage.
36:45So for 250 years,
36:46there's been no such thing
36:47as a common law marriage.
36:49Although,
36:50over 60% of people asked
36:52if there is such a thing
36:52as a common law marriage,
36:53believe there is.
36:54But it has no basis in law at all.
36:56No standing.
36:57Right.
36:57Yeah.
36:58Now,
36:59it's time to clear the blockage
37:00of received wisdom
37:01with the plunger of general ignorance.
37:02So fingers on buzzers, please.
37:04What sort of Welshman wear
37:06in his hat on St David's Day?
37:08Let there be love.
37:10Daffodil.
37:11Mmm!
37:15Well,
37:15if it's not,
37:16it's got to be a leak,
37:17right?
37:17It's got to be a leak.
37:20What about cheese on toast?
37:21Is it going to be a leak?
37:23A Welsh rabbit.
37:24A Welsh rabbit.
37:25We've been rather unfair there,
37:26of course,
37:26because Welsh people do wear leaks
37:28these days in their heads,
37:29but we're going all the way back
37:30to the original battle they fought,
37:31where supposedly they wore leaks
37:33in order to distinguish themselves.
37:34You can see,
37:35if that's the Royal Welsh regiment
37:36or whatever,
37:37with what looked more like...
37:38I've never seen a queen so happy.
37:40Why is his hat?
37:41She really does look thrilled.
37:43What's that bloke said to her
37:44about his hat?
37:44She loves it.
37:45Something about it.
37:47They've all got leaks on their hats!
37:55She's probably saying they don't know
38:00that they're actually spring onions.
38:02They look a lot more like spring onions.
38:04there's a whole issue
38:05about whether or not there were leaks.
38:08And Alan Davidson,
38:10close name,
38:10author of the Oxford Dictionary,
38:12food.
38:13No, no.
38:14He claims that leaks,
38:15as we know them,
38:16didn't arrive in Britain
38:17for much longer after the Battle of Heathfield,
38:20where the Welsh,
38:21who beat the Saxons there,
38:22believed that they first wore leaks.
38:24To identify themselves,
38:25in Anglo-Saxon,
38:26the suffix
38:26meant any member of the onion family.
38:29So,
38:29was an onion,
38:31and was garlic.
38:32So they might have sported something
38:34like garlic,
38:35which is slightly more light
38:36and practical
38:37than certainly a fully grown leak.
38:38The Museum of Wales
38:39thinks that actual leaks
38:40may have been bought over
38:41by the Romans,
38:41so there's dispute really,
38:43to be honest.
38:43We just wanted to take
38:44points away from you.
38:45Anyway,
38:46it's possible that the national emblem of Wales
38:48should really be a garlic.
38:49There's a layer of the atmosphere
38:51which protects us
38:52from ultra-violet radiation.
38:54What's it made of?
38:57Hint?
38:57It has a hole in it.
38:59Love and marriage.
39:01Ozone.
39:03Oh!
39:04No!
39:05What are the odds?
39:06What are the odds?
39:08Because it is called the ozone layer,
39:10but it is neither a layer
39:11nor made primarily of ozone.
39:12Mmm.
39:13Which is very mean of scientists
39:14to do that to us.
39:15It wouldn't have never existed.
39:16It's made after the Irish family
39:17the zones, or the ozone.
39:18The ozone!
39:19Yeah.
39:21The ozone's have moved in next door.
39:24It's only 15 parts per million ozone.
39:27Do you know what the chemical formula
39:29for ozone is?
39:30Yeah, but I'm not gonna tell you.
39:32It's O3.
39:33Oh!
39:33It's a pale blue form of oxygen.
39:36With a very pungent smell.
39:38At 0 degrees Celsius
39:38and normal atmospheric pressure
39:40all the ozone in the sky
39:41would cover the earth
39:42to a depth of just 3 millimetres.
39:44Under the same conditions
39:45the rest of the air
39:46would make a layer 5 miles thick.
39:49That's how rare it is.
39:50And finally, here's one for surf lovers.
39:52Where could you find the biggest waves
39:53in the world?
39:54The waters all around me.
39:56Whitcomb fair.
39:58Uh...
39:58Hawaii.
39:59Oh!
40:00Oh!
40:01Oh, dear.
40:04Newquay.
40:06Where?
40:07Oh!
40:07Oh, Newquay.
40:08Oh, dear.
40:11The Indian Ocean?
40:13No.
40:14Well, possibly, yeah.
40:15Malibu.
40:17Malibu.
40:17I was just on a hat trick.
40:20There is good surfing
40:21to be had there
40:21on the Californian coast
40:22but let's forget coasts.
40:24Let's forget Australian coasts
40:25and any other coast.
40:26Is it going to be somewhere...
40:27Is it going to be a different type of wave?
40:29It is.
40:29No, it's a water-seawater wave
40:30but it's underwater.
40:32The biggest waves
40:33are actually subsurface waves.
40:36Oh.
40:38It was satellites that showed us.
40:40We didn't know
40:41until satellite photography.
40:42And there are lots
40:43of drowned surfers.
40:45Well, they've been...
40:46They'll be very hard to surf
40:47because they really go
40:47incredibly slow
40:48and they crawl along
40:49a few centimetres a second,
40:51so a few metres an hour, I think.
40:53And a tsunami, on the other hand,
40:55which is obviously a gigantic wave,
40:57is Japanese for harbour wave
40:59because we say tidal wave
41:01where the tidal wave isn't correct
41:02because it isn't tidal.
41:04Tsunamis result from earthquakes,
41:05landslides and volcanoes.
41:06As we probably know,
41:07in the open ocean,
41:08the waves are about
41:09only 300 millimetres high.
41:11But with a very long wavelength,
41:13sometimes hundreds of kilometres apart,
41:15as they approach land,
41:16the sea gets shallower.
41:17Oh.
41:18And that's what pushes them up.
41:19How fast is a tsunami?
41:21Because he is not going to...
41:22He's not going to make it, I'm sorry.
41:24No, he's not.
41:25Especially with three sharks
41:26on an underwave.
41:28What, with him not having any feet,
41:30there's nothing more.
41:34Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
41:35But before it gets any sicker,
41:37the world's biggest waves are underwater.
41:39And so, finally, to the scores,
41:41which, if you're lucky, will be love all.
41:43Well, they aren't.
41:44Oh.
41:44They're fascinating, though.
41:46He did run into the wall several times.
41:48Um, the...
41:49Towsled, toe-headed deer from Devon.
41:52Um, minus 36 points in fourth place
41:55is Josh Whittacombe.
42:00How relieved is our third-placer on minus seven,
42:04Alan Davies.
42:09Aisling, just ahead on minus six.
42:12Woo-hoo!
42:17And plus seven, it's Tony Hawes.
42:20Bravo!
42:27So, it's goodnight from Aisling, Tony, Josh, Alan, and me.
42:31And I leave you with the last words
42:32of English essayist Lady Mary Wortley Montague.
42:35It's all been very interesting.
42:38Goodnight.
42:38Goodnight.
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