- 14 hours ago
First broadcast 21st November 2014.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Sandi Toksvig
Jason Manford
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Sandi Toksvig
Jason Manford
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00On lethal form, let's meet the death-defying Sandy Toxvig.
00:07The death-denying Jason Manford.
00:14The death-dealing Bill Bailey.
00:20And the drop-dead gorgeous Alan Davis.
00:30At least one out of a hundred has to be complimentary.
00:33That was very kind.
00:33Yeah. Now slay me with your buzzers.
00:36Sandy goes.
00:39Jason goes.
00:41Wow.
00:43Bill goes.
00:49Alan goes.
00:50Bang, bang, you're there!
00:53Very good.
00:58So, before we start, I have to remind you we have, in this series, a spend-a-penny round.
01:04Because of L...
01:07Exactly.
01:09Because L stands for lavatory.
01:11One of the answers will involve lavatories in one form or another.
01:15All things lavatorial.
01:16So, if you do spot a lavatory lurking anywhere, play your joker.
01:20And if you're right, I'll give you some points.
01:22What could be fairer than that?
01:22Now, I'm going to hand out some bags.
01:25Can you take one and give one to Jason?
01:27Sandy, there.
01:28And you've got yours, I think, already, haven't you?
01:30Now, you should have a bottle with a cork in it.
01:32And I want you, using the bag and the bottle, to get the cork out of the bottle.
01:36You can't break the bottle, obviously.
01:37Are these...
01:38These are the ones we use when we go dog-walking?
01:40Yes, they are.
01:41They're pretty stupid ones.
01:42Are they?
01:42Yeah, but they haven't been used, I promise you.
01:44Obviously, I'm not going to use them.
01:47The people near me have started...
01:48Does this happen near anyone else?
01:49Hey, pick it up, put it in the bag, and then hang it on the tree.
01:53Does that happen anywhere else?
01:54What do you believe it?
01:55Hang it on a tree.
01:56Christmas decorations.
01:57It's like a really...
01:58Christmas tree, literally.
02:00I think that's a Salford thing, Jason.
02:02I think so.
02:03Ooh.
02:03That's a nice thing.
02:04And it's a little promising.
02:07That's definitely the right idea, is to blow down the bag.
02:10But I think you need a little bit more down the bottle.
02:13As much as you can get.
02:14You might use your pen to push, as long as you don't tear the bag.
02:17Oh, it's exciting.
02:18I don't know what I'm doing.
02:20I know.
02:22That's my catchphrase.
02:24I'm just copying what Sandy's doing.
02:27Sandy, Sandy, Sandy, yeah.
02:28Line it up.
02:29If you can line it up, it's going to go, I think.
02:31If you can, it's so close.
02:34Look, we'll show you.
02:35One of our researchers, Zara, she managed to do it,
02:37and we shot her doing it, so have a look.
02:40We shot her.
02:41Watch.
02:42There she goes.
02:42If you succeed, we will have to shoot you.
02:45There she goes.
02:46I'm actually just blown up it.
02:48A little bit.
02:49There he goes.
02:52There.
02:53Well, that's Zara.
02:54Now.
02:57Oh, is it?
02:59Oh, nearly.
03:00Oh, nearly.
03:00You didn't blow enough to provide enough suction,
03:02that's the key.
03:03Oh, yeah.
03:03Set the bag.
03:04Blow in the bag.
03:04Don't panic.
03:05The men are in blood.
03:06Blow in the bag.
03:07We'll get it out.
03:08We'll get it out, this is the men are in.
03:10We'll blow in the bag.
03:11Don't worry, this is the men are in.
03:12I can see them.
03:14It's there.
03:15Don't panic.
03:15We'll blow in the bag, sir.
03:17See what you can do.
03:18I don't know what I'm doing.
03:20We don't want to stretch the...
03:21I think it's that.
03:24You've got it.
03:25Yes.
03:26Yes.
03:28Oh, my God.
03:29Oh, my God.
03:31Brilliant.
03:32Oh, my God.
03:33Now.
03:34Now, you have to look at the presser, though.
03:36OK, pop it, water.
03:43Very much, one more of the wood.
03:45No, it can't be done.
03:46No.
03:47But what's really interesting about this is how will this save possibly millions of lives, this trick?
03:53It's not to do with the stent thing, is it?
03:56It isn't when they blow up a little balloon.
03:57No, it's not.
03:59People getting corks trapped.
04:03It's not really going to save that many lives.
04:04It might save a lot of distress to people who want the cork out of a bottle, but it's not
04:08really.
04:09Is it inside the penis?
04:10Can we just clear that out?
04:11No, it isn't.
04:12Is it up the bum hole?
04:14No.
04:16In the ear.
04:16In the ear.
04:17People sticking corks in their ear.
04:19No.
04:19Is it a common condition?
04:20It is, in the third world, especially a very common condition, and one that causes millions of deaths a year.
04:26And that's childbirth fatalities, because of breach births and being stuck and so on.
04:32And it took an Argentinian mechanic who saw a video clip of the trick.
04:38His name was Jorge Odon, and he thought, that would be really good.
04:43That would be really good.
04:44Corque.
04:44No, Jorge.
04:45It was Corque.
04:46Corque.
04:47That was my friend.
04:47George in Spanish.
04:48I like that.
04:49His name is Corque.
04:50Corque Odon.
04:51And he thought that would work on babies.
04:53There's already a sucker is used.
04:55Yes, but I just want to be clear.
04:56So you're having trouble giving birth, and a mechanic comes along with a plastic bag, pushes it in, and then
05:04goes, I'm just going to blow.
05:05That's pretty much.
05:07Don't worry.
05:07I've seen the video.
05:08It's exactly what I've seen.
05:10It's in on YouTube.
05:11It's in on YouTube.
05:11It's in on YouTube.
05:11It's in on YouTube.
05:11It's in on YouTube.
05:12And the obstetrician he showed it to thought that he was on some hidden camera show, and that it was
05:15a trick, and that he was going to be made an idiot of.
05:18But he realized that it was a fantastic idea.
05:20Because before then, do you know the device that is used to try and pull babies out?
05:24Or the forceps.
05:25Well, the forceps is the really old one.
05:26It's like a plunge.
05:27The more common one now is the one on the right.
05:29It's a sort of a sucker thing.
05:31It is a sucker, but it has a particular name.
05:33Kiwi.
05:34Ventus.
05:34Ventus.
05:35What's the other one being shouted?
05:37Kiwi.
05:37You call it a kiwi?
05:39Yeah.
05:39Oh.
05:39It's seen at midwifery.
05:41Oh, really?
05:41Well, then, we bow to your superior knowledge.
05:43Yes.
05:44Midwifery is a good thing.
05:45Midwifery, it sounds a bit like a sort of not very noxious fart, doesn't it?
05:50LAUGHTER
05:50Midwifery.
05:53Can I just say, Stephen, you, up until then, being so sensitive...
05:57Your drug sounds like a fart.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01Odon's method inserts a plastic bag, just as you said,
06:04into the birth canal, under the baby's chin.
06:06Air is then pumped in,
06:08inflating the bag gently around the baby's head.
06:10No danger of suffocation.
06:11Why is that?
06:12Because they're not breathing.
06:14Because babies don't breathe in the womb, exactly.
06:16The baby is then safely pulled out
06:18without the damage of bleeding forceps.
06:19And we can see that.
06:21Oh.
06:22Not in real life, only.
06:23All right, yeah.
06:25There you go, and that's the suction power
06:28is on a little calibrated thing, you see.
06:31And you, again, take it away,
06:32and it's exactly the same principle.
06:34Anything conceivable.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:38LAUGHTER
06:41I think you've rather misunderstood
06:42the role of audience intervention.
06:46The way that the device goes around the baby's head,
06:49very, very similar to the way the chameleon
06:51gets its prey.
06:52It's prey, yes.
06:53Because the tongue is actually,
06:55it sort of, it subsumes the prey
06:57and goes around it,
06:58and then, perhaps you could train a chameleon.
07:01LAUGHTER
07:02Just hold one up to the appropriate area.
07:05I feel sorry for this woman
07:07who's already said no to the engineer,
07:08and then Bill Bailey turns up.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11What about the chameleon?
07:14LAUGHTER
07:14Well, she might not be able to see the chameleon
07:16if he's been hanging around for a while.
07:17That's true, yes.
07:18Well, that would turn the stress out of it.
07:19It just looks like your arm.
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22LAUGHTER
07:22What's this?
07:23It's just a patterned shirt.
07:25Yeah, it's fine.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:28And then it runs up a tree with it.
07:30LAUGHTER
07:31And it gets raised as a chameleon.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:34That's not a bad thing.
07:35Yeah.
07:36Everything you said about this, you know,
07:38why a mechanic,
07:39as Dr Merialdi of the World Health Organisation said,
07:43with 5.6 million babies a year dying,
07:46he said, for many years, almost centuries,
07:48nothing has advanced in medical science
07:50in terms of the delivery of babies,
07:51which is a natural process,
07:52but it is also a mechanical process.
07:54So perhaps it's not surprising that it's a mechanic
07:56who saw a way through to easing it.
07:59I love it, because it's so simple.
08:00It is so simple.
08:01It's kind of palm-smacking, isn't it?
08:03A lot of doctors and obstetricians would have thought, wow.
08:06One of the great advantages, of course,
08:07is that throughout the third world,
08:09midwives and nurses can use it without the presence of a doctor.
08:12It's incredibly simple to learn the technique.
08:13Yeah, cheap as well.
08:13And very, very cheap,
08:14as long as you sterilise everything, obviously,
08:16which you would anyway.
08:17So, good news.
08:18Well, don't talk it.
08:19A car mechanic there, yes, from Argentina,
08:22will save millions of lives with the cork-in-the-bottle trick.
08:25Suggest some lethal uses for a laptop.
08:28Oh.
08:29Smart bombs.
08:30Guiding smart bombs.
08:32Yeah.
08:32Hitting people over the head.
08:35Damn it, Chloe.
08:37Yeah.
08:38That was like he was in the room.
08:41I just happened to have been working with him, that's all.
08:48He's incredibly nice guy.
08:50He really is.
08:51Everyone adores him on the set.
08:52Kiefer, this is.
08:53Kiefer.
08:54Kiefer.
08:54Kiefer.
08:55Kiefer, yeah.
08:56Oh, Kiefer.
08:56Yeah.
08:58What's he doing?
08:58Anyway, he's really talking about Josh.
09:01I don't know what you're talking about.
09:02My favourite when he talks about.
09:03Oh, 24.
09:04When he talks about parabolics.
09:07Parabolics.
09:08Have you seen?
09:09Parabolics.
09:10That's what it sounds like.
09:12Parabolics.
09:12Is he still going now, 24?
09:13Yes.
09:14I mean, I played the British Prime Minister.
09:16What kind of Prime Minister were you?
09:19Well, it was a non-specified in terms of party.
09:22But we were very sage.
09:22Like almost every Prime Minister we've had for the last time.
09:33Isn't it really over-the-top London, though?
09:35Is it like, Chloe, I forgot my Oyster card!
09:39It is all shopping London.
09:40I'm at Spinneyfield!
09:42They're engineering work!
09:45I've got a bus replacement service!
09:48Follow me on the satellite!
09:51The driver hasn't got a clue where he's going!
09:54What's the best way from Kensal Rise to Labyrinth Grove?
09:57You can't use Sahara Road!
09:59You can't use Sahara Road!
10:08I forgot what the question was.
10:10Oh, yeah.
10:10Yes.
10:11Lethal uses for...
10:13Alright.
10:13So, hitting people over their head.
10:14You can leave it on the rear parcel shelf of a car and you stop too quickly then, you know.
10:22I know this because I went to one of those, you know, speed awareness courses.
10:28And this is ex-copper and he went, yeah, he goes, he was trying to scare everyone.
10:33And he went, yeah, he goes, this lady, lady driver had a laptop computer, laptop computer on the back.
10:41Mel Smith was in the one.
10:44He talked like that, he had a laptop computer on the back shelf.
10:49And she stopped too quickly, took her head clean off.
10:53Took her head clean off, like a knife through mother.
10:57And there was a dear old lady next to me who'd been caught doing 31 miles an hour.
11:02In a built-up area.
11:04On a tiny little scooter thing.
11:05On a monkey end.
11:07I can't stop!
11:08I can't stop!
11:11You'd have to go out to her work.
11:13Yeah.
11:14And she grabbed my hand and went, oh my God!
11:16Like that.
11:17And, of course, I don't know.
11:19Please.
11:20No, actually.
11:21We're in Australia and it's a program that's written on the computer.
11:25It's nothing to do with the Wi-Fi, is it?
11:26Is that?
11:26Do they not?
11:27No, no.
11:27It's a specific program written by a specific person in order to help someone do something
11:30that will end their lives.
11:31Is it some euthanasia thing?
11:33It's a euthanasia program, yes.
11:35Oh.
11:35There's an Australian doctor called Dr. Death, obviously, as they always are.
11:39And he's rigged up this injection system to a laptop.
11:43And you have to answer three questions.
11:46You have to be sane and smart enough to answer the three questions, yes, positively.
11:51Do you know what they are?
11:51Yes, I have them for you.
11:52Okay.
11:53One, are you aware that if you go ahead to the last screen and press the yes button,
11:58you will be given a lethal dose of medications and die?
12:02So they're not difficult questions?
12:05No.
12:06I thought it was going to be things like...
12:07They are.
12:08What year was the battle of Cressy?
12:10Yes.
12:11I scroll through a lot of these and just press accept.
12:17Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:18Terms and conditions, I've read them, I've read them.
12:20Terms and conditions, terms and conditions.
12:23The second one is, are you certain you understand that if you proceed and press the yes button
12:27on the next screen, that you will die?
12:31That's just very clear.
12:32Yeah.
12:33So press yes again.
12:34Are you sure?
12:35Are you sure?
12:36Are you sure?
12:36Come on now?
12:37In 15 seconds, you will be given a lethal injection.
12:42Press yes to proceed.
12:44It's that simple.
12:45That's heavy, man.
12:45Yeah.
12:46And where did you get it?
12:46Amazon?
12:49No.
12:50I mean, I suppose it's that.
12:51If you made the decision, then, you know, it's fine in the...
12:54I found a very odd...
12:55I didn't know this was a rule recently.
12:58I always get headaches when no one talks.
12:59I thought, well, I may as well just stock up on paracetamol, because I go through a couple
13:03of nights.
13:03So I tried to buy about 48 packets of paracetamol.
13:07No, no, no, no, no.
13:08There they are.
13:09That'll kill you.
13:09And, well, yeah, I just...
13:11Well, I wasn't going to take them all at once, but obviously there's a rule.
13:13They don't know that.
13:14There's only...
13:14You're only allowed to...
13:15But I just thought to myself, that's saving no one, is it?
13:18No one's got to that point and gone, oh, can I not?
13:20Oh, I'll stay alive then.
13:21Thank you very much.
13:23I go to a news agent and order a bottle of vodka, and they give me a quarter one now.
13:26This is bad things about me.
13:30Although there was a moment where the woman embarrassed me in front of a queue of people,
13:34where she said, I can't sell you that many paracetamol.
13:37And I went, oh, why?
13:38Why is that?
13:38And she said, it's in case you kill yourself.
13:40She said those words to me.
13:41Yeah.
13:41And I...
13:42This is my panic.
13:42I went, what?
13:43But there's a load of freezer stuff in there.
13:46Like, that was my actual...
13:47Wait, what?
13:53That was the logic, you know.
13:55Give me trolley there.
13:56There's some long life milk.
13:57Why am I going?
13:58Why am I going?
13:59Can I go back?
14:00Can I go waste that?
14:01Why am I going?
14:03There's some...
14:04Like Finder's crispy pancakes.
14:06I'm going to go.
14:07There's an arrow in there.
14:09I've got so much to live for.
14:12You want to look into that headache, seeing it'll be caffeine related, I expect.
14:16You want to flush your system?
14:18I'll do that.
14:18With vodka?
14:21I have to say, the only time I've had morphine was in Copenhagen,
14:24I had kidney stones, and they gave me morphine.
14:25I actually think they would.
14:26It's the most painful thing, isn't it?
14:27And my partner said it was so embarrassing,
14:29so it's this way, and they're going,
14:30I'm filled with honey.
14:35We had Jeremy Klassen, and he was talking about kidney stones,
14:38and said the most painful thing a human being could have.
14:40And someone said,
14:43childbirth, I think you're fine.
14:44And he said,
14:44do we have anyone in the audience
14:47who's given birth to a child and had kidney stones?
14:50And there was one person.
14:51And he said, which was the most painful?
14:53And she said, kidney stones.
14:54Did they zap them with something sonic or something?
14:57Yeah, they do now.
14:57I was off my head.
14:58I have no idea what they did.
14:59Yeah.
15:00I think they do.
15:00They dissolve them, and then you pee them out.
15:02I think they blew a bag out of you, didn't they?
15:16They blew a bag out of you, didn't they?
15:22Yeah.
15:22Well, what about suicide booths?
15:24Where do they exist?
15:24Have you ever seen or heard of them?
15:26Soylent Green.
15:27Oh, no.
15:28A Harry Harrison novel that was a great movie.
15:30There are suicide booths there,
15:31used by Matt Groening in Futurama,
15:33rather wonderfully.
15:34So what?
15:35You just pop in and kill yourself.
15:36Yeah.
15:36There are three modes of death in Futurama.
15:38Quick and painless,
15:39slow and horrible,
15:40and clumsy bludgeoning.
15:44So wouldn't you just put a, you know,
15:4650p in or something?
15:47That's the idea in science fiction,
15:48that people will want to do that.
15:49Yeah.
15:49Euthanasia becomes not just a, you know,
15:51a right, but a sort of,
15:52a bit of a laugh.
15:53Fuck it, you know.
15:53Yeah.
15:54I like a photo booth, though.
15:56Yes.
15:57They've got that retro, you know,
15:58Instamatic Instagram type thing, you know.
16:01We've sort of gone revert,
16:02because the photo is getting so perfect,
16:04we've now gone to a point where we're going,
16:06let's get Instagram and make it a bit worse.
16:07I'm going to do an app where you just put,
16:09like, your dad's thumb in the top corner.
16:13Remember this?
16:14They used to say,
16:15if you look like your passport photograph,
16:16you're probably not well enough to travel.
16:20That's a very good theory,
16:21I like that.
16:23The very first job I ever applied for on television,
16:25it said you had to send in your CV
16:26and your photograph,
16:27and traditionally in show business,
16:29it's a sort of an eight by,
16:30it used to be an eight by ten,
16:31a rather glossy thing.
16:32That's rude.
16:32I didn't know that.
16:32I went to Victoria Station,
16:34and the stool was stuck,
16:38down low.
16:39So I honestly,
16:39I sent in a photograph of the top,
16:43and they thought it was a joke,
16:45so I got the job.
16:46Oh,
16:46really?
16:48It took a while.
16:51Well, there was this, um,
16:53there was an actor's director,
16:55which is no longer used,
16:56but it was called Spotlight,
16:57in which you had to give your photograph,
16:59and I remember Barry Humphries had a wonderful one,
17:01with just a picture of him like that,
17:02not as Dame Edna,
17:03but it just said,
17:04leather and denim rolls preferred.
17:08I used to try,
17:09I used to try and sort of put things in,
17:10to see if they'd print them,
17:11you know,
17:12just out of sheer devilment,
17:13like things like,
17:14can hover.
17:17It's magnetic,
17:18you know.
17:19It's magnetic,
17:19you know.
17:21Poorly,
17:22I'm okay around chickens,
17:23you know.
17:25They never,
17:26they never printed them,
17:27they just probably just,
17:28silly,
17:28silly man,
17:30silly man.
17:31We'll hover on demand.
17:32Yeah.
17:33Anyway,
17:34yes,
17:34this happy little fellow,
17:35is about to kill himself.
17:37How?
17:38Do you recognise that?
17:40He's about to kill himself.
17:41He is,
17:42by doing something,
17:43which nature impels him to do,
17:45which is a suicidal thing to do.
17:46Fling himself off a cliff.
17:48Oh!
17:49Oh dear, oh dear.
17:51I just,
17:52throwing himself off a cliff,
17:53I don't know what I thought,
17:54well, why not.
17:55Get that one out of the way.
17:56I thought it might be a lemming,
17:57anyway lemmings don't,
17:58of course.
17:59It's not a lemming,
18:00it's in fact not a rodent.
18:01Is it not?
18:02Is it a marsupial?
18:03Is it a marsupial?
18:03It is a marsupial,
18:05yes,
18:05it's a bit of a convergent,
18:06how do you do that?
18:07It's a marsupial,
18:08and it's called an antichinus.
18:11Antichinus?
18:11Well,
18:12what are the natural things?
18:13It's either going to,
18:13it's going to eat something,
18:14or it's going to drink something.
18:16What do animals live to do?
18:17They live to eat,
18:17in order to,
18:19to survive long enough,
18:20to procreate,
18:21to pass on their genes.
18:22So is there some naughty sex thing that happens?
18:23It's about to have sex,
18:24and that is,
18:25for it,
18:26suicide.
18:26They go on an extraordinary,
18:29shagging spree.
18:30I mean,
18:30it is quite,
18:31quite unbelievable.
18:32I have to give you the details,
18:33because,
18:33they're pretty,
18:34amazing.
18:35It's semelperis,
18:36which means it only does it once.
18:38And,
18:39it's about 12 hours on the job,
18:40with one female,
18:41before moving on to the next.
18:43What?
18:43Doesn't eat or sleep,
18:44just keeps going in a testosterone-driven frenzy.
18:47Well,
18:47never mind about him,
18:48that poor female.
18:50that's,
18:50on the next one,
18:51on the next one.
18:5212 hours,
18:53she must be chafed.
18:56To get the necessary energy,
18:59the male's bodies strip themselves,
19:00of all their vital proteins,
19:02and suppress their immune systems.
19:03By the end of the fortnight,
19:04they're physiologically exhausted,
19:06bald,
19:06gangrenous,
19:07ravaged by stress and infection,
19:09and keel over and die.
19:11Wow.
19:11Russell Brand,
19:12take note.
19:22It sounds like Henry VIII,
19:23at the end of his life,
19:24doesn't it?
19:25It is, it is.
19:26Does this happen only once then?
19:28Yes, semelperis once,
19:30semelperis once.
19:30So they're dead before the children arrive?
19:31Very much so,
19:32and that,
19:32some people think,
19:33may be the reason.
19:33Just to get out of childcare.
19:36To get out of childcare.
19:38Or if you give it a better gloss,
19:39it's in order to,
19:40to leave more food for their children.
19:41So 12 hours,
19:42and then another 12 hours?
19:43Yeah, yeah.
19:44This lasts for a fortnight,
19:45apparently.
19:46Wow.
19:47Two week mating season.
19:49There's somebody in the audience,
19:50remembering a Spanish holiday.
19:57Madalus, 1982.
19:59Oh, that was a party.
20:01But they aren't the only marsupials,
20:03with a suicidal sex drive.
20:04There's also marsupial cats,
20:06which have a wonderful name.
20:06Very good for Scrabble.
20:08Quall.
20:09Quall?
20:10Very good Scrabble word.
20:11There's a little quall.
20:13And...
20:13These are all Australian...
20:14Female northerns,
20:16yes,
20:16are subjected by males to bouts of copulation.
20:19Put here,
20:20that can last 24 hours,
20:22with plenty of biting and screeching.
20:24They soon get their own back there.
20:25The post-coital male lose weight,
20:27become anemic,
20:28their scrotums shrink,
20:29their fur falls out,
20:30and they get infested with lice.
20:32Oh, wow.
20:32And in a week or two,
20:33they die like their mousy cousins,
20:35martyrs to their genes.
20:36Wow.
20:37Horrible.
20:37It's grim, isn't it?
20:38I mean, the thing is,
20:39even if that was in humans,
20:41I think most men would go,
20:43ah, may as well later.
20:46Worth it?
20:46Yeah, 24 hours.
20:47I'm here now.
20:49Worth it?
20:50What a day.
20:51All the females are sitting around,
20:52going, don't worry,
20:53they'll be gone in a minute.
20:56I presume they don't know,
20:57it's going to happen to them.
20:59Well, no,
20:59they presume they don't know,
21:00they'd have no sense of the impending.
21:03There's no three questions.
21:04No.
21:04Because they never knew their father.
21:06You will die.
21:07That's yes.
21:08Are you sure you want sex?
21:10Yes.
21:11Definitely.
21:12Oh, yeah.
21:15There's a picture of somebody who's had sex.
21:18Their father, unfortunately,
21:20wasn't, isn't there to tell them.
21:21By definition.
21:22Don't do it!
21:24So they're just,
21:25they are, they're railroaded into this.
21:26They're just programmed.
21:27Self-destructive, shagging frenzy.
21:28Programmed.
21:29Wow.
21:29Deeply programmed.
21:30Now, if you had to fight a duel,
21:33which weapon would you want your opponent to choose?
21:36A, hot air balloon?
21:37Would that please you?
21:38B, a billiard ball?
21:40C, a sword?
21:41Or D, a sausage?
21:45Well...
21:45Sausages are fairly non-lethal.
21:47You'd say sausage?
21:48See, I would think you could get terrible food poisoning
21:50from a sausage.
21:51Yeah, but...
21:51Or if you had them in a string of sausages.
21:53Yeah.
21:54Do you know how you'd use the hot air balloon as an actual weapon
21:57as you land on somebody?
21:58I don't know how you...
21:59Well, the rules were that if you challenge someone to a duel,
22:02the person you challenge can choose the weapon and the place.
22:06So if you choose a balloon, you're choosing...
22:23and then got the short straw.
22:25Yes.
22:25And he got to shoot first.
22:26You'd be like, what's the point?
22:28Yes.
22:29The balloon is not a small target.
22:30It depends how far away it was, of course.
22:33But...
22:33Well, we do have history on our side, so we can tell a story about the sausage.
22:36There was a scientist, a very eminent scientist, who was rather liberal in his ways, who lived
22:42in Prussia, and who was the great leader of Prussia, who basically unified Germany and was
22:47the...
22:47what we would call prime minister, but he was the minister-president of Prussia.
22:52From Bismarck.
22:52From Bismarck, exactly.
22:54And this German pathologist, who was called Rudolf Wierhoff, was so opposed the mighty armaments
23:01program that Bismarck had started, that enraged Bismarck, who challenged him to a duel.
23:07So because he got to choose, this doctor, who was the first man to isolate the pathogen
23:11behind pork that had gone off, which is called Trichinella spiralis, said, okay, the weapons
23:17will be sausages.
23:18One of which would be poisonous, toxic, as you say, with this agent, this pathogen.
23:23So he challenged him to a breakfast, essentially.
23:26And Bismarck didn't like the idea, so he called the whole thing off, which the challenger has
23:29the right to do.
23:30So it's a sausage roulette?
23:31Yeah.
23:32Yeah, basically.
23:33Sausage.
23:33Sausage roulette.
23:34Yeah, but with only two.
23:36And so you had a 50-50 chance of dying, so that's a pretty dangerous duel.
23:39Wow.
23:40Sausage duel.
23:41So, moving from the sausage to the balloon, the Monsieur Grand-Pret and Monsieur Dupique.
23:45We're going to get quite French, because you know what they're like.
23:47In 1808, there was a dispute between these two over the affections of a young woman.
23:51They took to the skies in separate hot air balloons, each armed with a blunderbuss.
23:55Dupique shot first and missed.
23:57He had the first shot and he missed.
23:59There was a moment, isn't it?
23:59Grand-Pret then fired at Dupique's balloon and punctured it, sending him and his second
24:03down to their deaths.
24:04Wow.
24:042,000 feet above Paris.
24:06It's a balloon.
24:07Pretty damn dangerous, isn't it?
24:08The very first female air passenger ever was in a hot air balloon.
24:13Elizabeth Tibble, she was an opera singer.
24:15She was dressed as Minerva and sang arias from opera as she faded the fire and the balloon
24:19took off.
24:20Oh, wow.
24:21But unfortunately she landed and sprained her ankle.
24:23But other than that, yeah.
24:25She was the very first female air passenger.
24:28So there's only one example of a billiard ball duel that we've been able to discover.
24:31That took place between a Monsieur L'Enfant and a Monsieur Melfant.
24:35They fell out over a game of billiards, not surprisingly, and so they used what was to hand,
24:39billiard balls.
24:40Presumably it was carom if they were French.
24:43And they decided to resolve their difference by pelting each other one after the other with
24:47billiard balls.
24:48Again, they drew straws to see who would throw first.
24:51And Melfant won and he warned his opponent that he would kill him with one single strike.
24:55And he did.
24:56Straight between the eyes.
24:56Wow.
24:57Dead.
24:57Wow.
24:58God.
24:59And he probably went, I was joking.
25:01I was just kidding.
25:03He got to actually hit you.
25:04Why did they use a cue?
25:06That showed up to them.
25:07So, of all the weapons we've described, probably the safest is the sword, because in duelling,
25:12all you have to do is get the draw first blood, as the phrase is.
25:16So you literally have to ping someone, just give them a little scratch, and that's, it's
25:19called off by the second.
25:20So, we've got him.
25:21So, there we are duelling.
25:23Now, why would you resupply your enemies with bullets when they'd run out of them?
25:27Just how crazy is that?
25:29Or indeed a plastic spoon.
25:30Unless they were...
25:31Keep it fair.
25:32Fake, fake bullets.
25:33No, real bullets.
25:34There's your enemy.
25:35You desperately want to defeat them.
25:36They're running out of ammunition, and you resupply them.
25:38Are they bullets which explode when you...
25:40Sabotage them?
25:40No.
25:41Are they somehow sabotaged?
25:42No.
25:43They're good bullets.
25:44No, no.
25:44You make a deal with it.
25:46It's fair.
25:47It's something so wonderful, I think, that should guide the British government and its
25:51policy on a particular issue.
25:53One that's very dear to me and the nation who have this marvellous building that I've had
25:58trouble pronouncing sometimes.
26:00It's in the Acropolis.
26:03Ah, yes.
26:05Where the Parthenon is.
26:06Where the Parthenon is.
26:07And it's the Parthenon we're discussing.
26:10So, Greece.
26:11Let's go back almost 200 years.
26:13Who ran Greece 200 years ago?
26:15Turks.
26:16Turks.
26:16The Ottoman Empire.
26:17And there was a big movement to free Greece, led by Greeks, but also by some Britons, notably
26:23Lord Byron.
26:24Lord Byron.
26:25Who died there.
26:25And by 1820, they'd got quite a grip on the colonialists and they'd pushed them all
26:31back up the Acropolis.
26:32And there they were in the Parthenon, that wonderful building.
26:38And the Turks were firing and they ran out of shot.
26:41Now, the original builders of the Acropolis were extraordinary architects.
26:47And they joined together these 70,000 pieces of marble in a magnificent way.
26:53They put in sheets of lead to protect it and the bits of iron staple and lead to keep connecting
27:00together the marble.
27:01But then, in 1820, when the Ottomans were defending it, they started to use these lead sheets to
27:07melt them down to make shot.
27:08And the Greeks said, we're not going to have that happen to the Parthenon.
27:12Ah, so you give them bullets to stop them doing it.
27:13They gave them bullets to stop them destroying the building they loved so much that meant
27:17Athens to them.
27:18And if that story doesn't make the British government get off its arse and give back the
27:23Elgin marbles, I don't know what will.
27:32If we do that, do we have to give back everything else as well?
27:35No.
27:35Because we've got lots of stuff, haven't we?
27:38Well, that's the Slippery Slope fallacy.
27:40It's the first fallacy of logic and it just doesn't play.
27:43Anyway, yes.
27:45That's basically it.
27:46I didn't give you much of a chance to come in on that, did I?
27:48But it's a good story.
27:49I thought it was worth telling.
27:50Well, I like it when you're passionate on a subject.
27:51Yes.
27:52But isn't it a wonderful story about human beings that even in the face of death that
27:56we revere beauty and great art?
27:59Completely.
28:00More than ourselves.
28:01I think that's marvellous.
28:02It is wonderful.
28:03Absolutely wonderful.
28:03I agree.
28:05Right.
28:05Now, let's go to real beauty and real splendour.
28:09Why was a pint of best in 19th century Norfolk?
28:12Ah.
28:12Just what the doctor ordered.
28:14Oh.
28:15Has it got something medicinal in it?
28:17Sure has.
28:18Poppies?
28:19Heroin?
28:19Obviously.
28:20Not heroin.
28:20Heroin wasn't discovered.
28:23I'm talking heroin beer, please.
28:25Not heroin, but opium.
28:26It's no one that Norfolk has kept to itself.
28:28Heroin needs a little bit more chemical skill than they were able to show in Finland.
28:33Not very bad.
28:34Yes, basically.
28:35And they'd been having this stuff for ages and ages and ages.
28:39And then, in the 19th century, laudanum became very popular.
28:42Laudanum is a tincture of a small amount of opium with alcohol.
28:46Queen Victoria loved it.
28:47And they loved it in Fens.
28:49And they had it with beer, so they'd had poppy stuff in their beer.
28:52There was a period called the Great Binge, and it was really from, sort of, the 1880s
28:57to the outbreak of the First World War and the banning of absinthe in France.
29:03What a time to be alive.
29:05Yes.
29:05As I say, Queen Victoria was addicted to laudanum.
29:08She'd have laudanum every night.
29:08To be wealthy and idle in the Great Binge.
29:11Yes.
29:11It was something.
29:12They're talking about Wetherspoons right now, aren't they?
29:17In our time, you could get kaolin and morphine perfectly.
29:19Yes.
29:20Supposedly to cure diarrhoea.
29:22And you could also buy in boots, you could buy liquid aniseed.
29:24And you may say, what's the point of that?
29:25That's a fabulous trick.
29:26You know catnip for cats, obviously.
29:27Everyone knows how cats behave when you have catnip.
29:30Dogs behave like that to liquid aniseed.
29:32So you'd sprinkle it on your trouser legs.
29:34And these little old ladies are being pulled along the street.
29:38You'd fly after your trousers.
29:40It's quite extraordinary.
29:41While you were completely off your head on kaolin and morphine.
29:45Oh, those are the days.
29:46Good times, man.
29:47Good times.
29:48Was this a private education you were receiving?
29:50Yes, it was.
29:51And I don't recommend it.
29:53Anyway, in Finland, they drank a lot of beer with their own poppies in it.
29:57Basically, Norfolk and Lincolnshire consumed over five and a half tonnes a year.
30:01Wow.
30:01Which was basically more than the whole country.
30:04Wow.
30:04Good God.
30:05Did you think it hindered the development of the region?
30:07It might have done.
30:08It was known as stuff or best.
30:11And, yeah, basically it did destroy.
30:15Yes.
30:16In the 19th century, being an opium addict was normal for Norfolk.
30:19Nowadays we're told that even sugar is a deadly poison.
30:21But, are sugar-free sweets good for you?
30:25They give you the runs.
30:28Honestly, if you are at all stuffed up, two sugar-free sweets you'll be singing.
30:36I don't know why.
30:38Well, I ought to warn you that you have missed your spend a penny chance.
30:41That was it.
30:42Oh, of course.
30:42Because it's all about going, it's too late now.
30:44Oh, yes.
30:45Oh, never mind.
30:46Yeah, it's like a sin, which can have a mildly or moderately laxative effect.
30:51That's if you take a few of them.
30:54On the Amazon page where they sell sugar-free Haribo gummy bears,
30:58it clearly warns, may cause stomach discomfort and or a laxative effect.
31:02The same page has over 250 comments.
31:05Stomach discomfort turns out to be a massive understatement.
31:08Oh, yes.
31:12Gastrointestinal Armageddon.
31:16Calamitous flatulence.
31:19Trumpets calling the demons back from hell.
31:23That's the noise, exactly.
31:25I'm just adding some noises to the story.
31:27Yeah, yeah.
31:28Guttural pronouncements so loud it threatened to drown out my own voice.
31:33And flammable liquid napalm extruded.
31:37Those are some of the milder comments.
31:39I've never known anything like it.
31:40I got some butterscotch sweets.
31:42Oh.
31:42And I honestly had two.
31:44And that was, I thought it was a good way to help me lose weight.
31:46And it did.
31:47Yeah.
31:49I once tried to figure out how many gummy bears you could put into a remote control helicopter.
31:56Before you, you know, would compromise its airborne stability.
32:00And?
32:01Because you know those little tiny ones.
32:03Yeah.
32:03Oh, the little, really miniature ones.
32:05Tiny, tiny little miniature helicopters that can hover in a, I put one gummy bear in it, as the pilot.
32:10Yeah.
32:11And it crashed immediately.
32:13What?
32:15That's a very delicate aerodynamic setup.
32:17It's a very delicate aerodynamic.
32:18Wow.
32:18Yeah.
32:19Yeah.
32:19Yeah.
32:19One.
32:20I should have, I say, I put him in the pilot seat really and it went over like that.
32:24Whereas I should have put one on each rail and it would have been fun.
32:27I know that now.
32:30But thanks for passing your dog.
32:31Yeah.
32:31No, that's fine.
32:32Good.
32:33And now for the lethal concoction of toxic misapprehension and venomous disinformation
32:37that we call general ignorance.
32:39So fingers on buzzers, if you please.
32:41Right.
32:41Name a non-venomous snake.
32:43Yes.
32:44The grass snake.
32:47Oh, what?
32:50We thought you might say that.
32:52Well, clearly.
32:53Yeah.
32:55I didn't bother to say that.
32:58All venomous but just not very?
33:00Yes.
33:00All snakes are venomous.
33:02Recent discovery by a man you know you can trust because of his name.
33:05He's called Professor Brian Fry.
33:10University of Queensland.
33:13But in 2013 he showed that even snakes that kill by constriction have venom in them
33:18and it's been repurposed to create a sort of lubricant to help swallow the huge things
33:23that constrict or swallow.
33:24Wow.
33:24But it still contains small quantities of venom.
33:27Fry comments.
33:28Fry comments.
33:29I find that very odd saying there.
33:30Their toxins are the equivalent of a kiwi's wing or the sightless eyes of a blind cave fish.
33:34Defunct remnants of a functional past.
33:37He showed that the world's largest lizard which is?
33:39The Komodo dragon.
33:40The Komodo dragon.
33:41Yes.
33:42Kills its prey with venom.
33:43Which we all thought beforehand that it was killed with a sort of bacteria.
33:46That it just basically bit it and it had such disgusting slobber that the thing caught infections.
33:52But did they actually envenomate?
33:53It seems so, yeah.
33:54The small fangs at the rear of a grass snake's mouth do actually spit out at you and they'll
33:58hiss and they'll strike and you will get a small itchy infection.
34:02Envenomation as you say.
34:04Right.
34:04So there you are.
34:05That's weird and surprising.
34:06There are no non-venomous snakes.
34:07They all have venom glands.
34:09How fast was the fastest mass extinction?
34:12How many years?
34:13I'll give you.
34:14Here we go.
34:15The Liberal Democrats.
34:23So about two weeks then.
34:25Two weeks.
34:26Yeah.
34:28You keep top gear for people who don't like cars.
34:34Very good.
34:36Of thousands.
34:37Are we talking about thousands?
34:37Thousands, yeah.
34:38Oh, okay.
34:39Yes, talking about thousands.
34:40It happened 252 million years ago, ending the Permian period.
34:44It's known as the Great Dying.
34:46Sounds about Star Trek, doesn't it?
34:48Oh.
34:48The Great Dying.
34:49So what, sort of 5,000 years?
34:5060,000 years.
34:52Three score thousand years.
34:54But there have been about three of these massive things?
34:56Fine.
34:56Well, yeah.
34:57Supposedly, we're in the sixth.
34:59We're in one at the moment.
35:00I mean, forget global warming, just simply by the way we're destroying habitats.
35:04Eating them?
35:04Or running them over.
35:06Yeah.
35:06Or simply just competing for space and not giving them, you know, monocultures, biodiversity.
35:12And it's a staggering number a day, isn't it?
35:14Well, it's a huge number a day.
35:15It's horrifying, and...
35:17Now, Alan, would you take a bullet for me?
35:20Yes, Steve, of course.
35:21Oh, thank you.
35:22Very good.
35:25Wow.
35:27Oh.
35:30Sorry, no, no, no, no.
35:32No, you wouldn't.
35:33Because you couldn't.
35:34I mean, that's to say, in the standard way, it's done.
35:37The, no, the diving in front of someone, you can't take a bullet to someone.
35:41Well, you'd have to anticipate, I presume.
35:43You'd have to anticipate in such an incredible way.
35:46Accidental, you know, action.
35:48Accidentally, it would.
35:48Because, of course, a bullet goes at 1,000 feet per second, that's from a handgun.
35:52700 miles per hour, that is.
35:54Did you know, I read this, you might like this because you like cricket.
35:57They've stopped using bowling machines because they've discovered that it doesn't help you
36:01at all.
36:02That the people who are very good at batting have worked it out before the ball's released
36:06by the shape and the angle of the arm of the bowler.
36:08Their anticipation is that much quicker.
36:11So it's actually of no use to you to practice with a machine.
36:14You must practice with people.
36:16To train the arm.
36:18Seeing the person coming at you over and over and over.
36:20So the notion that the Secret Service are going to throw themselves in front of the president
36:23is just silly.
36:24Well, it has happened.
36:25It happened in the case of John Hinckley, who had a pop at Ronald Reagan in 1981.
36:32That's exactly how I would do it.
36:34I wouldn't use my head.
36:35No, very successful.
36:36I'd use my arse.
36:37Your arse.
36:39My neck.
36:41I would use that.
36:47I'll get it out for you, Alan.
36:52Hold that bag.
36:53I'm taking it over me.
36:54Why do people fall over when they've been shot?
36:57Because they've just been shot.
37:10No, it's the answer.
37:12No.
37:13Shock.
37:14Because they're dead.
37:16A dead person would fall over, obviously, where they've been shot in any way.
37:20Is it not the speed, like the speed and the impact?
37:22No, none of those things would knock you over.
37:24No.
37:27Unbelievable.
37:28The impact.
37:30What a bag.
37:30What a bag.
37:31I banged my head on the fireplace the other day and I fell over.
37:35That would do it.
37:35Wait, is this a lavatory question?
37:37No.
37:38No.
37:39No, I don't know.
37:40Because they've seen it done in movies.
37:42Really?
37:42So, in the Wild West, when they had a shootout, because they'd never seen a cowboy film,
37:47people would just carry it on standing.
37:49Most people, when they're shot, don't know they've been shot.
37:51Right.
37:52We have it on the authority of the FBI Academy Firearms Training Unit that people generally
37:57do fall down when shot, but only when they know they have.
38:00Right.
38:00That's the point.
38:01Regardless of bullet caliber or where they're hit, people who've been shot don't know it
38:04yet.
38:05Don't fall over.
38:06Unless you were shot and your leg was shot off.
38:09It was shot off, so you would naturally, yeah.
38:11There are circumstances.
38:12There are circumstances.
38:13But books, films and TV have educated us that we are supposed to fall down.
38:17That's right.
38:18Right.
38:18Now, is it wrong to eat people?
38:24I think it's wrong undergraduate philosophy class.
38:27Yes.
38:28Depends on the circumstances.
38:30It would not have been wrong to eat Hitler, I would argue.
38:36I think it's wrong to eat this one.
38:38Yeah.
38:39Unless that's Hitler.
38:40Yeah.
38:41Well, yeah, that's a very good ethical point.
38:43I think there are some circumstances where it would be...
38:46Well, cannibalism is not illegal in Britain.
38:47Is it wrong?
38:48Murder is.
38:49So, to kill someone in order to...
38:50If it's frowned upon.
38:51Obviously, in England...
38:52Delved by magistrates.
38:53It's certainly...
38:54I mean, no.
38:54If I had to lose a liver...
38:56I mean, sorry, not a liver.
38:57A kidney.
38:58A kidney.
38:58Don't lose a liver.
38:58A liver transplant, maybe.
39:01I might give my old liver to someone and say, by all means, fried up with some onions
39:04if you want to.
39:04Oh, wow.
39:05You can eat placenta, can't you?
39:07A placenta is commonly fried up with...
39:09Yeah.
39:09There's a special fork that...
39:11Yeah.
39:11For cannibalism.
39:13There's a three-pronged fork.
39:14And I've always thought, if you saw one laid on a table when you'd been invited, it'd probably...
39:18Take away.
39:19Yeah.
39:19So, it's technically not illegal to anyone.
39:22No, no.
39:22And so, if you were to, you know, at a funeral for age, just have a little nibble on the
39:26table.
39:26Well, you'd need the permission.
39:28You'd definitely need permission.
39:29That's with anything.
39:30Why hasn't anyone started, you know, in times of a recession, going, do you know what?
39:35I hardly walk anyway, so...
39:39Absolutely.
39:40Just have the left one.
39:42The people in the recession hardly walk.
39:45Oh!
39:47That's a bad one, isn't it?
39:49That is a really bad recession.
39:51In Germany, in 2003, you may remember that case.
39:54There was a computer technician called Armin Maives, who conspired, as you might say,
39:59with a fellow engineer called Bernd Brandes to sit down and eat with him.
40:04So, Armin Maives cut off the penis of Bernd Brand with his permission and sat down to eat it with
40:09him.
40:09He then stabbed him and froze the corpse to eat later.
40:11Brandes gave him explicit permission for the whole scenario.
40:14He originally asked Maives to bite off his penis.
40:16This proved difficult.
40:18Maives had to use a knife.
40:20He then tried to eat his own severed penis raw.
40:22Oh, not raw.
40:23Yeah.
40:24He found it too chewy.
40:29Have you had it cooked?
40:30Oh, the danger of infection from that.
40:33I mean, really.
40:34Oh, this is...
40:34No, this is raw.
40:35Yeah.
40:37Get another firepower on the grill.
40:38Yeah.
40:40They fried it in salt, pepper, wine and garlic.
40:42Oh, that's all right.
40:43Yeah, yeah.
40:45Not a little bit of curry powder.
40:46They tasted it and agreed it was ever done, so fed it to the dog.
40:50He then killed Brandes, hung on the body on a meat hook and proceeded to eat it over the next
40:53ten months.
40:54He was found guilty of a sort of killing on demand, but then he was retried and convicted of murder.
40:58Did he go to prison or to some secure location?
41:01I don't know.
41:02He was locked in a happy eater for the rest of his life.
41:08According to the law, eating people or bits of people is not wrong.
41:12Which brings me to the grisly business of the final scores and how interesting they are.
41:17Way out!
41:18Way out!
41:19Well, not way out, but slightly last, I'm sorry to say, with minus 19 is Jason Manford!
41:26Every time.
41:26Very nice.
41:31Controlling clouds of glory in a very respectable third place, would you believe it, Alan Davies!
41:40Second, with minus eight, Bill Bailey!
41:48Which can only mean that the winner is our token Dane with plus six, Sandy Thompson!
42:02And with that, it's a big thank you and goodnight from Sandy, Jason, Bill, Alan and me.
42:06And we leave you with the last words of the poet Richard Savage, who died in 1743.
42:11I have something to say to you, sir.
42:14No, it is gone.
42:17Goodnight.
42:17Goodnight.
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