- 12 minutes ago
First broadcast 8th February 2016.
Hannah accompanies Dan to his best friend's wedding at the country mansion of the bride's family.
Charlotte Ritchie - Hannah
Tom Stourton - Dan
Joshua McGuire - Jack
John Dagleish - Sheriff
Lucy Briggs-Owen - Ophelia (as Lucy Briggs Owen)
Nicholas Farrell - Charles
Michael Marcus - Sebastian
David Reed - Ian
Chris Groundsell - Wedding Guest
Matt Townsend - Wedding Guest
Hannah accompanies Dan to his best friend's wedding at the country mansion of the bride's family.
Charlotte Ritchie - Hannah
Tom Stourton - Dan
Joshua McGuire - Jack
John Dagleish - Sheriff
Lucy Briggs-Owen - Ophelia (as Lucy Briggs Owen)
Nicholas Farrell - Charles
Michael Marcus - Sebastian
David Reed - Ian
Chris Groundsell - Wedding Guest
Matt Townsend - Wedding Guest
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:03I can't believe Jack's getting married. I'm so excited. Look, my hands are shaking.
00:08Hannah. Hannah. Stop it. Why do you make us get here so early? I hate being the first person to
00:15arrive. It's pathetic. I didn't want to be late. One of my best friends is tying the knot. This
00:18is a big day for me. I even made my own confetti out of loo roll. I'm pretty sure the
00:22invitation
00:23didn't say bring your own gross confetti. I was so pumped last night I couldn't get to sleep.
00:26Figured I might as well do something useful. I can't believe you buy into this whole
00:29matrimony shtick. I mean, weddings are dumb. What? You don't like weddings? Next you're
00:35going to be saying you don't like pictures of dogs with sunglasses because they're too
00:38hilarious. Weddings are just archaic bullshit for AIDS, Dan. I'm not into them for the same
00:42reason I don't die from minor infections. It's not 1853. Well, why did you agree to be my
00:47plus one, then? I'm not going to turn down a free meal, am I? Besides, let's check out
00:52this fucking fancy pants mansion. It's like something from a Jane Austen wet dream. How
00:55the hell can Jack afford to hire this place? Isn't he like a dodgy estate agent or something?
00:59Yeah, he is. But this belongs to the girl he's going to marry. Seriously?
01:03Apparently she's super posh. Technically her family still owns quite a lot of India.
01:08No shit. How long till this thing starts, then? I don't know, like three hours?
01:12Three hours? Well, at least that gives me plenty of snooping time.
01:16Look, Hannah. I love a snoop as much as the next guy. I'm the Snoop Master General.
01:20But today is a massive day. So maybe we should, you know, like, try not to fuck around.
01:27Relax, Dan. I just want to take a peek behind the curtain. See how these Downton wannabes
01:31really live. Who knows? Maybe I'll find a chunk of ivory lying around. Yeah, that'd be great.
01:49Sheriff, how do you do this again? Looks like someone tried to fucking choke me. Got bored
01:53halfway through. Open up. It's the cops. You're both under arrest for baby arson.
02:01Look how it is! Danny boy!
02:05Hello! Hello!
02:07I don't worry, there are no police. I was just doing a low voice.
02:09That's right, I'm super early. I hope that's cool.
02:11Of course, mate. It's good to see you.
02:12I missed you on the stag, though, Danny. Seriously, Thailand is such a beautiful country.
02:16And not just the sex workers, like the actual scenery and stuff, too.
02:20I can't believe they didn't let me travel just because I didn't have a passport.
02:23I showed them my Boots Advantage card and everything.
02:25Mate, it was fucking brilliant.
02:26George and Windsor tried to get hold of these special Asian poppers, got into a ruck with a dealer.
02:31Now they're only fucking stuck in a Bangkok prison.
02:34Yeah, yeah, yeah. The dude at the embassy says there's like a 30% chance he might get the death
02:37penalty.
02:38What a hot classic stag!
02:41Oh, oh, oh, Ophelia! What are you running off to? Come here a sec.
02:44Jackie knew it. Jackie knew it. It's bad luck for us to see each other before the wedding.
02:46No, don't be daft, babe. That's bollocks!
02:49This is someone I want you to meet. Ophelia, this is Dan. Danny, this is Ophelia. My future missus.
02:53Jack's told me a lot about you.
02:55Is it true that you once tried to eat a whole bag of polystyrene peanuts as a dare?
02:59I had to have my stomp on three and a half times. They said it was a hospital record.
03:02Legend of the Dan!
03:03Jack, Jack, Jack, tell them how you two met.
03:05Oh, yeah, well, she was looking for a flat, so I gave her a viewing.
03:08By the time we got into the kitchen, we couldn't keep our paws off each other.
03:12Honestly, the shit we did in there, we must have knocked ten grand off the arson price.
03:15Jackie, I'm really not sure I feel about you telling people that our relationship started with us shagging on a
03:18breakfast nook.
03:19Oh, that's a sweet story. We'll be telling our grandkids that one day.
03:22Yeah, better wait till they're 18, mate. I've still got a hard-on from the last time I heard it.
03:26Right, right, babe, we're going to get out your hair and let you get ready.
03:29OK, bye.
03:30Oh, give Danny a tour around the grounds.
03:34Oh, oh, oh, I can show you the room where her great-grandad used to play charades with Kaiser Wilhelm.
03:38Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
03:47Well, hello. Looks like little Miss Snoopy just hit the jackpot.
03:54Wow.
03:55Wow.
04:07May I help you?
04:09I'm just here for the wedding.
04:10I thought I'd check out this sweet ride while I waited for it to start.
04:13Do you know who's it is?
04:14It's a wedding present for my daughter.
04:16Fucking hell, you got her in Mercedes.
04:18I thought I was spoiled when my dad got Daniel Radcliffe to come to my 12th birthday party.
04:22I mean, it turned out he just hired a lookalike.
04:23This guy was almost 35, but he had this weird hormone disease that made him look like super young.
04:28As much as I'd love to continue with this blistering conversation,
04:31perhaps you wouldn't mind heading back to the house.
04:33Oh, yeah, sure.
04:34Actually, could you get a pic of me behind the wheel?
04:37I'm sorry.
04:37I'll whack it up on Instagram, pretend I've got cast in a Bond film or something.
04:41Oh, God, where is my phone?
04:43Oh, can you maybe ring me and then I can listen to...
04:46Will you please get the hell out of my daughter's car, now!
04:50Whoa.
04:52Chill out.
04:54I thought this was supposed to be a special day.
04:56Excuse me for trying to capture a memory.
05:02Next step on the tour, ladies and gentlemen, is the hunting lodge.
05:07Mate, you have seriously come up trumps with this girl.
05:10It's like she was born with a silver spoon sticking out of every fucking orifice.
05:13Oh, you know what?
05:14I'd love her even if she lived in an old pizza box.
05:16Honestly, I've never known anything like it.
05:18Before I met Ophelia, the most serious relationship I'd ever had was with the Japanese sex doll sheriff bought me
05:23for my 18th.
05:24Oh, man. I'm so happy for you, Jay.
05:27Hey, Danny, Danny, come here a sec.
05:29Come on, go on, go on.
05:30Yeah, go on, go on.
05:31Ready?
05:32All right.
05:33All right.
05:33What are you doing?
05:35I'm going to try and shoot it off.
05:38Fucking brilliant.
05:41What, really?
05:42What have you missed?
05:43This is my only suit.
05:44I don't really want to get any blood on it.
05:45Mate, mate, don't worry about it.
05:46I've got a wicked aim.
05:47Look, we were on a hunt last week.
05:48I nearly shot a grouse.
05:50Come on, Danny boy.
05:51It's my wedding day.
05:52Think of it as my present.
05:53I mean, I got you an egg poacher off the wedding list.
05:58Okay.
06:00All right, ready, lads?
06:01Ready?
06:02Three.
06:04Two.
06:05Mm-hmm.
06:09Oh, shit.
06:11Did you sue me?
06:11Am I dead?
06:12I think I got another fucking kidney stone.
06:14What?
06:15Again?
06:16I told you you've got to drink loads of water.
06:18And I told you I'm not a fucking horse.
06:20Oh, seriously, mate.
06:22I'm going to have to get down fucking A&E quick sharpish.
06:24You can't leave.
06:25I've already lost two of my groomsmen to the Thai penal system.
06:28I can't lose my best man as well.
06:30Jack, I'll do it.
06:31What?
06:31I'll take over from Sheriff.
06:33I know how much this day means to you.
06:34I'll do anything to help.
06:36You're like a little big brother to me.
06:38You'd be my best man.
06:39Hell, yeah.
06:40And I promise you I'm going to make the best, best man,
06:43the ever best man in the history of man.
06:46This is really lovely and that, lads,
06:47but I'm about to piss out an angry pebble here.
06:50Can I get a little help?
06:51Ooh.
07:01Could I maybe borrow one of those?
07:04Don't see why not.
07:06I don't normally smoke,
07:07but I've got this rule that I'm allowed to
07:09whenever I'm more than 20 miles from home
07:11and on weekends and weeknights.
07:16So you're here for the wedding, then?
07:18Unfortunately,
07:20my sister's the lucky lady taking the plunge.
07:22Oh, shit.
07:23I think I just met your dad.
07:25No offence, but he's kind of a dick.
07:27He read me the right act just for trying to take a picture.
07:29Well, it sounds like Charles.
07:30He's quite the killjoy.
07:32He's been in a foul mood since he got thrown off his horse.
07:36Rest assured, the beast was dealt with.
07:40What?
07:41Sorry, it's just your face looks really familiar.
07:44Did you used to teach a hot yoga workshop at the YMCA?
07:47Believe me, I have never set foot in a YMCA.
07:51Well, hello, missy.
07:53You're not ready yet.
07:54What's the matter?
07:55The girl's not getting cold feet, is she?
07:57No, it's Basti, and the girl is not.
07:59I just wanted to find you
08:01and tell you that your Bristol pal's called
08:02to say they'll be late.
08:03Did you go to Bristol?
08:05Me, too.
08:06I definitely recognise you.
08:08Is he a friend of yours, Sebby?
08:09No, no.
08:10He's one of the caterers.
08:11What the hell?
08:12I'm not a caterer.
08:13I just thought because of your dress.
08:16Excuse me?
08:17I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse my brother.
08:19He can be a tag-tagless.
08:22Please enjoy the day.
08:23Come on, Seb.
08:26God!
08:27Best man, nice to meet you.
08:29I'm the best man, nice to meet you.
08:30I'm the best man, nice to meet you.
08:32Uncle James!
08:34Hannah!
08:36Great news, sheriffs at hospital.
08:38What did you do?
08:39Nothing.
08:40He had like a hernia or something,
08:41so he had to go to A&E.
08:42And Jack made me his best man.
08:46Well, your first job should be to tell him
08:47that he's making a big mistake.
08:49Sorry, Hannah, I have my hands full with best man shit right now.
08:52I do not have time for more anti-marriage stuff.
08:54No, seriously.
08:55He's getting himself tied up with a bunch of sour, posho twats.
08:59Firstly, the dad tells me off
09:01like I'm some naughty Jack Russell or something,
09:03and then the brother verbally assaulted me.
09:05Oh, my God, really?
09:06He called me a caterer,
09:07but that's still a dick move, right?
09:09I mean, he didn't even apologise for embarrassing me.
09:13Shit.
09:13I just remembered where I know Sebastian from.
09:16He was in the Dionysus Club.
09:18What are you talking about?
09:19It was this posh drinking society at uni.
09:21In Freshers' Week,
09:22they invited me to this exclusive house party.
09:25I got all dolled up,
09:26new dress, haircut, the whole deal.
09:28When I got there,
09:29they showed me as the garden
09:30and locked the door behind me.
09:32I turned round,
09:32and all the guests were leaning out of the windows,
09:35holding balloons.
09:36Sounds like a great party.
09:37The balloons were filled with whipped cream, Dan,
09:39and I got hit with every single one of them.
09:41Turns out I was just astute
09:43for some sick club ritual.
09:45My Freshers' Week was ruined,
09:46and for the rest of my time at uni,
09:48I was known as
09:50the cream hog.
09:52You said people call you that
09:53because you love frappuccinos.
09:54Can't believe you didn't remember me.
09:57Right.
09:57I'm going to find that upper crust prick,
09:59and I'm going to give him
10:00a friendly little history lesson.
10:02And by friendly...
10:03I know what you mean.
10:06Wait for me!
10:08Best man coming through.
10:09Yes, it is.
10:11Yes, it is.
10:13Could I have everyone's attention, please?
10:16My name is Dan French.
10:18I'm one of Jack's closest friends.
10:21And, as of 20 minutes ago,
10:23the best man.
10:26Hey, why don't we liven things up a bit?
10:28Huh?
10:29Get this atmosphere puffin'.
10:31I mean, this is celebration, right?
10:33When I say awesome,
10:34you say wedding.
10:35Awesome!
10:38Awesome!
10:40Awesome!
10:40Can't hear you!
10:41Awesome!
10:42Would you please stop yelling the word
10:44awesome?
10:49Apologies, ladies and gentlemen.
10:51The ceremony will be starting shortly,
10:55so if you would care to make your way
10:57to the East Parlour,
11:04the guests of the bride
11:05will be seated on the left,
11:07the groom will be on the right.
11:13Let's have a good wedding, yeah?
11:15Any questions come to you?
11:17Any questions come to me?
11:19Anything at all
11:20come to me.
11:23Hey, Top Boy,
11:25can I have a word?
11:27If this is about the caterer thing...
11:29No.
11:29Take a look at my face
11:30and don't you dare tell me
11:31that you don't remember it.
11:33Maybe this will jog your memory.
11:35Oink, oink, oink.
11:38Oink, oink, oink.
11:39Stop that.
11:40You're possessed.
11:41I was the cream hog, you prick.
11:44Oh, God, yes.
11:45Wow.
11:46I haven't thought about that in years.
11:48How are you doing?
11:49How am I doing?
11:51Thanks to you and your mates,
11:52I was a laughing stock for three years.
11:55Look, don't take it personally.
11:57You weren't the first cream hog
11:59and I'm pretty sure you won't be the last.
12:00Do you think this is a joke?
12:02Because I can tell you
12:03there is nothing funny
12:04about spending five hours
12:06scooping whipped cream
12:07out of your ear canals.
12:08All right, how much?
12:10Uh, what?
12:11How much is it going to take
12:12for you to piss off
12:13and leave me alone?
12:15Unbelievable.
12:17I am not some naive chambermaid
12:19that you groped
12:20after too many sherrys.
12:21You can't just pay me off.
12:22I want an apology.
12:24I mean, obviously,
12:25I'll take some money, but...
12:26Jesus.
12:27It's bad enough
12:28I have to slap a grin
12:29on my mug all day
12:29for this wretched wedding.
12:31I don't need
12:31another fucking ball ache.
12:33Do yourself a favour
12:34and get over it.
12:36All right?
12:37Cream hog.
12:39Do not call me that!
12:43It's not my name.
12:49Oh, fuck!
12:53She's late, Danny!
12:55Oh, she's changed her mind
12:56and done a runner.
12:57No way!
12:58I saw you two this morning.
12:59It's like looking at
13:00one of those creepy stock photos
13:01you get with a picture frame.
13:02Oh, God, I hate you right.
13:03Can't go back to being
13:04a grubby little bachelor,
13:06living all alone,
13:07end up cracking my skulls
13:08because I slipped
13:08in the shower
13:09tugging myself off.
13:10Find my corpse,
13:11stop him wet
13:11with my dick in my hand.
13:12Hey!
13:13I'm sure there's
13:14a totally legit explanation.
13:16All right?
13:16Maybe she dropped
13:18her veil down the toilet
13:19and she's waiting
13:20for it to dry off.
13:21Oh, God,
13:22I wish Sheriff was here.
13:23Usually when I get worked up,
13:24he slips in one of the
13:25Valium he's nicked
13:25from a chiropractor's office.
13:27Jack!
13:27Huh?
13:28Relax.
13:28You don't need Sheriff
13:30or his dodgy sedatives.
13:31You got me, okay?
13:33I'm your best man
13:34and it's my job
13:35to fix problems like this.
13:36Yeah?
13:37Now, I'm gonna go look for her.
13:38You go back in there,
13:39put on a brave face.
13:45Hey!
13:46Have you seen Ophelia?
13:47Who the hell's Ophelia?
13:48The bride.
13:48She hasn't turned up
13:49and Jack's wicking out.
13:50Can you help me look for her?
13:50Sorry, Dan.
13:51No time.
13:52Mama's on a revenge mission.
13:53This is about the cream thing.
13:55I've got to get even.
13:56Hannah,
13:56today is not about you,
13:57okay?
13:58It's about me.
13:59Being best man
14:00and saving the day.
14:01Sorry,
14:01but I've got to show that dick.
14:02I'm not some fruit fly
14:03you can brush away.
14:05I'm one of those
14:05big fuck-off tropical insects
14:06that bites you
14:07and makes you have a heart attack
14:08and piss yourself
14:08at the same time.
14:10Good luck with the whole
14:10missing bride ship.
14:37Great.
14:46There you are. Everybody's looking for you.
14:48It's like a really formal game of hide-and-seek out there.
14:51You can tell them to call it off.
14:52You can tell them to call the whole thing off.
14:54What do you mean?
14:55I don't know. I can go through with it.
14:58I thought I could, but I just can't.
15:00Sure you can. It's easy.
15:02Just say, I do. Two words, and then we all get cake.
15:06I just keep thinking maybe Jackie's not the one.
15:09Of course he is.
15:10He's a great dude, and he loves you like crazy.
15:13You know he turned down every single handjob he got offered in Thailand.
15:17I know. He means the world to me.
15:20He's my randy little chipmunk.
15:22I just think maybe I'm making a mistake.
15:25Leah, it's totally normal to have second thoughts
15:29when you're making a really big decision.
15:31It's like when I was 12,
15:32and as a treat for going the whole month without wetting the bed,
15:36my mum said I could get any ice cream I wanted.
15:38I spent ages looking at all the options.
15:42Solero, Twister, Fab.
15:46Eventually, I went for the cherry screwball.
15:48The whole time I was eating it, I kept thinking,
15:50maybe I chose wrong,
15:51until I got to that chalky little gumball at the bottom,
15:54and then it hit me.
15:56I'd made the right choice.
15:58And I'm telling you, Ophelia,
16:00you're making the right choice marrying Jack.
16:02He's your cherry screwball.
16:08You were at the bed till you were 12.
16:18Hello, old friend.
16:20Oh, Jesus.
16:22You're like a bad fucking cold sore.
16:24You keep popping up worse than before.
16:26I take that as a compliment.
16:27What the hell do you want?
16:27You know what I want.
16:29Justice.
16:29I told you,
16:30the cream hog thing was a silly bit of fun between mates.
16:33Okay?
16:33It's ancient history.
16:35Move on.
16:35That silly bit of fun ruined my freshers week
16:38and made me a joke for three years.
16:43Is that whipped cream?
16:45Prepare to feel the sweet, sticky tongue of vengeance
16:47all over your body.
16:49You nerdwoman!
16:51Give it!
16:52Can you!
16:53Give it!
16:54What are you, God's names going on?
16:56Dad, it's not my fault.
16:56We were at uni together and him and his prey.
17:00This godforsaken day
17:02has been like a carving knife to my temple.
17:04And that was before your sister decided
17:06to pull a little escapology act.
17:08The last thing I need
17:09is you and your friends causing a scene with foodstuffs
17:12like circus folk.
17:13Dad, it's not my fault.
17:15Only it had been you who died in that maternity ward
17:18and not your mother.
17:22Ouch.
17:22Do you want some safflon for that burn?
17:24Give me the can.
17:26Don't worry, guys.
17:28I found her.
17:29Just the best man doing what he does best.
17:32Dun-da-da-da.
17:34Dun-da-da-da.
17:36Dun-da-da-da.
17:40I fucking did it.
17:41I'm one of them married wankers now.
17:43Honestly, I couldn't have done it without you, Danny Boy.
17:45You are a fucking legend.
17:47Thanks, Jack.
17:48But just wait till you hear my best man speech.
17:51Shit, you've already written a speech.
17:52Well, I've just basically looked a bunch of stuff up online.
17:54You know, anecdotes.
17:56Risky gags.
17:58Quick question.
17:58Do you think anyone will be offended
18:00if I call one of the bridesmaids the sea word?
18:03Oh, here he is.
18:04It's my new brother-in-law.
18:05It's finally official, isn't it?
18:07My sister's no longer a member of the Faulkner-Jones clan.
18:11She's now the lucky Mrs. Ophelia Plunk.
18:13Look, I was thinking,
18:15when me and Ophelia come back for my honeymoon,
18:17the three of us should hang out.
18:18Hang out?
18:20Yeah, you know, go for a carvery or something.
18:22Bit of family time.
18:23Believe me, Jack,
18:24it's going to take more than an Argos wedding ring
18:27and a piece of paper to make you part of this family.
18:36Honestly, I never have a clue what he's banging on about,
18:39but he's a fucking solid fella.
18:42And he didn't even apologise.
18:44It's crazy.
18:45I mean, that cream hog prank really traumatised me.
18:49It might even have been GBH.
18:51Come on, pick up the pace.
18:53What?
18:54We have two tables in the corner that still need clearing.
18:56What the fuck are you talking about?
18:58I don't work for you.
18:59Oh, goodness.
19:00I'm...
19:02I'm so sorry.
19:03Why do people keep confusing me for a caterer?
19:06I mean...
19:06Ian, I can't find the dessert spoons.
19:13Fuck you all.
19:16Hey, Hannah, where are you after?
19:18Sorry, Dan, but I've had enough.
19:20I'm leaving.
19:20You can't leave.
19:21What will people say if the best man's sister isn't there for a speech?
19:25Today has been a shit show.
19:26So, Sebastian won, and I lost, and I give up.
19:30Wow, I've never heard you say that before.
19:32I guess the day just proves that aristopricks like him
19:34are always going to get the better of plucky, honest Joes like me.
19:37I just want to find my coat and put this whole day behind me.
19:48I can just get another coat.
19:51Cheers.
19:52Cheers.
19:54Cheers.
19:55Cheers.
19:56Cheers.
19:57Cheers.
19:59Fuck.
20:00Jack's going to be so upset.
20:02Yeah, right after he finishes throwing up.
20:05Oh, God, this is all my fault.
20:07How is this your fault?
20:08When I found Ophelia, she told me she didn't think Jack was the one,
20:11but I convinced her to go through with it.
20:13I was banging on about ice cream for 20 minutes like a dick.
20:16She might have mentioned she was hunting her brother.
20:18Look, Dan, trust me.
20:19The best thing we can do right now is just get the hell out of here.
20:22What?
20:23Let's just go.
20:24We can pretend like none of this ever happened.
20:25It'll be like when we found Mum's vibrators in the washing machine.
20:28Yeah.
20:28Yeah, let's go.
20:30May I have a word with the two of you?
20:39Now, I don't know what the pair of you think you saw.
20:42We saw your weird kids fucking each other.
20:45Yes.
20:46Well, I had hoped that particular form of horseplay had been left behind with adolescence.
20:50But I am sure you can appreciate that weddings are emotional days.
20:56And sometimes emotions can get the better of weaker individuals.
21:03Now, given the magnitude of this occasion,
21:07I do feel it would be for the good of us all
21:10if today's development stayed within these four walls.
21:15Oh, my God, are you going to kill us?
21:17What?
21:18No, I'm simply going to ask that you practice a certain level of discretion.
21:26Fair enough.
21:28But, I mean, what's in it for us?
21:32Come again?
21:33The way I see it, it's kind of like your kids have had an accident in a swimming pool
21:39and you're asking us to keep doing the backstroke
21:42and pretend like we didn't just see a giant turd floating by.
21:47Very well.
21:49How much will it take to keep you quiet?
21:53I want an apology from Sebastian.
21:58And that awesome Mercedes.
22:01No fucking way.
22:03Silence!
22:08Here's what's going to happen.
22:09You are going to stay here with my pathetic excuse for a son.
22:14You're going to keep an eye on him until he sobers up.
22:16If you can handle that, the Mercedes is all yours.
22:19Shit.
22:20And you are going to come back to the reception with me
22:23and we are going to get this farce of a wedding over with.
22:26I'm sorry, I can't just go back and act all normal.
22:29I feel like I'm going to cry out of every hole.
22:32You're the best man, correct?
22:35Then it's your job to do whatever it takes to keep your friend happy.
22:44I know a lot of you have travelled far and wide to be with us today,
22:49so I just want you to know how grateful we are to you for having made the effort.
22:55Today truly has been a wonderful occasion,
22:59but all good things must come to an end.
23:01So, without further ado, I am going to ask the best man to say a few words.
23:10Hi.
23:10Tell him where you're at.
23:14Give him hell.
23:22I read that a good best man speech should be like a Mexican dwarf.
23:29Short and a little bit spicy.
23:36Hey, Sebastian, where's the best place to buy driving gloves?
23:39Excuse me?
23:40I was thinking driving gloves might go really nicely with my Mercedes.
23:43Maybe an in-car humidor as well.
23:46You know, expensive possessions are nice, but they'll never make you happy.
23:49Not true.
23:51The only people who ever say that are either people who have no chance of ever being rich
23:54or people who already are rich.
23:56It's us suckers in the middle who know that that's bullshit.
23:59Take it from me, Hannah.
24:00I've lived my whole life surrounded by lavish objects.
24:03But the one thing I truly loved, I couldn't have.
24:06Yeah, because it's your sister, you fucking weirdo.
24:08God, my dad was right.
24:11I'm pathetic.
24:12God, I was a pathetic child.
24:14It was pathetic when I let my friends throw a cream at you.
24:19I'm pathetic now.
24:23Oh, whoa, come on.
24:25Don't do that.
24:27Do you want to, I don't know, play cribbage?
24:29Or something?
24:30I'll be okay.
24:32Could you just get me a tissue from over there?
24:35Yeah, sure.
24:37And, you know, I made a pretty big deal of the whole cream hog thing,
24:41but I think maybe we're even now.
24:44And...
24:46Oh, shit!
24:49I'm sure some of you have found this speech revolting.
24:53Disappointing.
24:54And thought it finished too quickly.
24:57But I just wanted to give the bride a preview of what's in store for her tonight.
25:07So, please, join me in raising a toast to Jack and Ophelia.
25:11I'm sure you'll be the happiest couple in the world.
25:15Jack and Ophelia.
25:16I love you, Ophelia.
25:22Thank you, Danny boy.
25:25Anyway, I wanted to say a few final words.
25:31Ophelia,
25:32I have never loved anyone else as much as I love you.
25:36You are my porcelain angel, and I want to prove to everyone here just how much I love you.
25:50This is Ayumi.
25:53My sex doll.
25:55Before I met you, she was all I had.
25:58But now she means nothing to me, because I know what you and I have is the real deal.
26:11Ophelia.
26:11Goodbye.
26:15Stop!
26:15Don't do it!
26:18Jack, I'm sorry, but there's something I need to tell you.
26:21Sit down, you fool.
26:23Stop.
26:24Stop.
26:25Stop.
26:26Yumi.
26:26Everybody, there's something I need to say.
26:30Stop!
26:30Don't listen to me.
26:31He's fucking crazy.
26:32I am not crazy.
26:33I just need everybody to know that I...
26:42I...
26:44love my sister.
26:48And...
26:51I hope that she's happy.
27:08Let's hear it for the happy couple.
27:10Hit it!
27:11Oh, I thought there'd be someone on music.
27:13No?
27:21Do you know what, Dan?
27:22I take back what I said this morning.
27:24All in all, that was a pretty good wedding.
27:26Are you joking?
27:28It's a nightmare.
27:30I mean, I'm eating this cake, but I can barely enjoy it.
27:33I was supposed to be best man, but thanks to me, Jack and Ophelia are stuck in an empty,
27:37twisted marriage.
27:38Well, if there's any consolation, you're basically just describing most marriages.
27:42Plus, look on the bright side.
27:43I got a Mercedes out of it.
27:46Yeah.
27:46I suppose any day when you get a free car can't be all bad.
27:49Exactly.
27:50Now, let's go get our hands on that little beauty and get the fuck out of this hellhole.
27:54There's someone in there.
27:55Oh, shit.
27:56Maybe they got us a driver as well.
27:57Yeah.
27:58Looks like, uh, Sebastian.
28:00Oh, God.
28:01What's he doing there?
28:03Oh, shit.
28:07Fuck!
28:09My Mercedes.
28:41Fuck!
28:42Fuck!
Comments