- 1 day ago
First broadcast 13th October 2001.
Jeff and Jeannie visit the remote and forbidding Strait Isle off the Scottish coast to investigate the death of a young gay man, who was working on a project at the local brewery.
Bob Mortimer - Jeff Randall
Vic Reeves - Marty Hopkirk
Emilia Fox - Jeannie Hurst
Tom Baker - Professor Wyvern
George Baker - Berry Pomeroy
John Sessions - Combe Fishacre
Paul Young - Inspector Woodhuish
Ford Kiernan - Kiernan
Gerald Lepkowski - Big Gerald
Rupert Vansittart - Brian Babbacombe
Glynis Brooks - Fay 'Commodore' Babbacombe
Stewart Ennis - Eggy
Alex Ferns - Mad Alex
Kieran Brown - Sam
Eiji Kusuhara - Goto
Daniel Crowder - Curtis Knowle
Masashi Fujimoto - Japanese Worker No. 1
Shigay Ueda - Japanese Worker No. 2
Colin McCabe - Brewery Foreman
Charlie Higson - Charlie Mussells
Jeff and Jeannie visit the remote and forbidding Strait Isle off the Scottish coast to investigate the death of a young gay man, who was working on a project at the local brewery.
Bob Mortimer - Jeff Randall
Vic Reeves - Marty Hopkirk
Emilia Fox - Jeannie Hurst
Tom Baker - Professor Wyvern
George Baker - Berry Pomeroy
John Sessions - Combe Fishacre
Paul Young - Inspector Woodhuish
Ford Kiernan - Kiernan
Gerald Lepkowski - Big Gerald
Rupert Vansittart - Brian Babbacombe
Glynis Brooks - Fay 'Commodore' Babbacombe
Stewart Ennis - Eggy
Alex Ferns - Mad Alex
Kieran Brown - Sam
Eiji Kusuhara - Goto
Daniel Crowder - Curtis Knowle
Masashi Fujimoto - Japanese Worker No. 1
Shigay Ueda - Japanese Worker No. 2
Colin McCabe - Brewery Foreman
Charlie Higson - Charlie Mussells
Category
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TVTranscript
00:20Please just...
00:24I didn't see anything!
00:30Please let me go!
00:35No, please, no!
00:38No, just let me go!
00:40No!
00:48What's the matter?
00:49Oh, it's me tooth. I've got an abscess.
00:52Have you seen a dentist?
00:53He gave me antibiotics.
00:55Have you taken them?
00:55You can't just put those things in your body willy-nilly.
00:58It's a very delicate balance.
01:00Would these by any chance be the type of antibiotics
01:02you're not allowed to drink?
01:03I don't know.
01:04Give them to me.
01:18I hope that wasn't too willy-nilly for you.
01:44Do you think we look inconspicuous, Geoff?
01:46I do, you don't.
01:47I wouldn't worry about it.
01:49We're not going to be here for very long.
01:50I shouldn't think the local police are very sophisticated.
01:52Oh, get you, you big shot from the city,
01:55come to sort out the local Hicks.
01:56I didn't mean it like that.
01:58Besides, you can't assume too much.
02:00They've got their own laws here,
02:02something they call ancient justice.
02:05They even have their own parliament.
02:08Welcome to the 19th century, Genie.
02:19Aye, aye, a couple of oil slicks.
02:33Right, I suppose you'll be wanting white wine, eh?
02:39Or a nice sweet sherry, eh?
02:42That's very good.
02:44No, I think I'll try a pint of the local bitter, please.
02:46Genie?
02:48Do you know what I want? I'll leave it.
02:49We don't need drinks, we have reservations.
02:51Well, not my department.
02:52You'll need to speak to the Commodore.
02:57Commodore!
02:58Shot!
02:59There was the commotion, Babacom.
03:01Trade, Commodore.
03:02Ah, good afternoon.
03:04Hello, Geoff Randall.
03:05Don't shake hands, just been slaughtering a pig.
03:07You're Randall and Hurst?
03:08Yes.
03:09Good, follow me.
03:16Right, this is your room, Mr Randall.
03:18There's a little bathroom at the end of the corridor.
03:20How long are you staying?
03:21We don't know, really.
03:22Look, I might as well tell you.
03:23We're private detectives.
03:24I know.
03:25Dead boy.
03:25Seriously, nasty business.
03:27His mother doesn't think it was a suicide.
03:28She thinks it was a...
03:29I'll warn you.
03:31You'll get no joy on the island.
03:32Now, it's no skin off my nose.
03:33I'll take your money for as long as you want to stay.
03:36But nobody will talk to you.
03:38Good day.
03:44Well, this looks like it's going to be a lot of fun.
03:46You got that right, Jeannie.
03:50So, how do you want to play it?
03:51Same as we always do, Jeannie.
03:53We'll just barge in.
03:54If we ruffle enough feathers, something will creep out the woodwork.
03:57You managed to mix up a lot of metaphors there willy-nilly.
04:00Well, you know what they say.
04:01Too many cooks make hair whilst the cookies crumble.
04:05You hit the nail that broke the camel's back.
04:07Listen.
04:09I'm going to shower and freshen up,
04:11and then you should go to the local police,
04:13ask some questions there,
04:14and I'll go down to the brewery where Curtis worked, all right?
04:16No way.
04:17I'll go check out the brewery.
04:19I love it when you're masterful, Jeannie.
04:31Well?
04:32All right, I'll give it a try.
04:34Believe me, Marty, you'll be much happier in the long run.
04:37I know, but what about the short run?
04:39I mean, jealousy's not the kind of thing you can have control over.
04:41Marty, if you really love Jeannie...
04:44I know, I know, I know I shouldn't keep turning up like a...
04:48woodpecker.
04:49All right, I've made a decision.
04:50I'm going to set her free.
04:51I don't care what her and Jeff get up to.
04:54I've moved on to higher ground.
04:56Marty!
04:57It's yourself you're setting free.
04:59I know, and I already feel lighter than air.
05:01I feel like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders.
05:05I feel happy, Wyvern.
05:07I feel so happy I could sing.
05:10Sing.
05:12Oh!
05:31Marty, I think we've still got a little bit of work to do.
05:49It's a pretty oil slick.
05:51What are you doing, darling?
05:53Do you fancy a sandwich?
05:54We'll be the breed, and you can be the fill-in.
05:56I wouldn't mind getting my teeth into that.
05:57.
06:00.
06:14May I be of assistance?
06:16Marty, hello.
06:17Hey, this is more like it, eh, Geoff?
06:21Out and about a bit, touch of intrigue. Murder.
06:24We don't know it's murder, Marty. The official line is suicide.
06:28Geoff, the truth is out there. What reason did he have to kill himself?
06:32Have you seen this island, Marty? It's pretty grim, you know.
06:34It was murder. Possibly even murder one.
06:42Have you been watching television, Marty?
06:47A little bit. A lot. Will you take this a bit more seriously, please?
06:52The boy's dead, and we've got to find out why.
06:55What's put you in such a good mood, anyway?
06:57I don't know. You know, it's just...
06:59Joie de vivre, or joie de mort, I suppose.
07:02I've got a new positive attitude.
07:04And I can tell you, Geoff, we're definitely on the trail of a vicious murderer.
07:09And he's somewhere out there.
07:12Yeah? Do you know exactly where, Marty?
07:17Not yet.
07:20Look, we're going to have to get the evidence, Marty.
07:21I can't just say a ghost told me, can I?
07:27Sorry to keep you waiting.
07:31Inspector Woodhush.
07:32Geoff Randall.
07:33Yes, I know.
07:39And I know why you're here, Mr. Randall.
07:46And I can tell you, you're wasting your time.
07:51And...
07:52Are you wearing aftershave, Mr. Randall?
07:55No.
07:57Oh, I know what it is.
07:59There's no soap at the hotel, you see,
08:00and I borrowed some of my partner's shower gel.
08:04Mountain Stream, I think it's called.
08:07It's a very fresh smell.
08:09Well...
08:13Hello.
08:16Do you know where I can find the manager?
08:18You're that detective woman, aren't you?
08:19Asking after Curtis.
08:21Yes.
08:22Did you know?
08:23We used to talk in that.
08:25Do you think he was the type to kill himself?
08:27I don't know about his type.
08:28Doer.
08:29His type?
08:32What exactly did he do here?
08:34Computers.
08:35He was in all hours.
08:38He was having some problems, actually.
08:41Some kind of trouble with his computers.
08:43Just before he...
08:43I'm sorry.
08:45I can't have you distracted my workers.
08:47You're far too pretty.
08:49We shall have an industrial accident.
08:52Do come this way.
08:58Hey, straight through there.
09:00I thoroughly investigated the case of the boy's death, Randall, and I can tell you, there was no evidence of
09:07foul play.
09:08I'm not suggesting that there was, Inspector, but I would like to have a look at the police files, the
09:12court records, the, uh...
09:13Coroner's report.
09:14Coroner's report.
09:16There is no coroner's report.
09:18We do things differently on the island.
09:20The right of examination of the dead falls to the laird.
09:24The laird?
09:25Hmm.
09:26Barry Pomeroy.
09:27He owns the island.
09:29Perhaps we should pay him a visit?
09:30We should pay him a visit.
09:32What did you say that soap was called?
09:35Um, Mountain Mist.
09:36Mountain Mist.
09:37No, no.
09:37Um, Mountain Stream.
09:39No, uh, Mountain Stream.
09:41Stream?
09:43Yeah, Mountain Stream.
09:44Very sad affair.
09:46It was a good work of two.
09:47Do take a seat.
09:49Do you mind if I ask you some questions?
09:52Oh, anything you want to know, my love.
09:55Just ask.
09:56I should know all the answers.
09:58After all, I'm the boss.
10:01That's a very funny sign.
10:03Have you ever thought of getting one that says,
10:05let's get organised?
10:06I haven't seen that one.
10:07And to tell you the truth,
10:08it doesn't sound quite as funny.
10:10So what do you want to know, my dear?
10:12How long was Curtis working here?
10:13Oh, about three, four months.
10:16We just, uh, modernised our equipment.
10:21We're in the process of, uh,
10:23stepping up production and going into export,
10:25and Curtis came in to set our new computer system up.
10:29Of course, I didn't know about his condition when I had him.
10:32His condition?
10:33Yes, I didn't know he was a, you know, uh, a gargle.
10:37A gargle?
10:38A pansy.
10:40That type of behaviour is not practised here.
10:42It's against the law.
10:44The law of nature and the law of the island.
10:47Ancient justice.
10:48And it didn't surprise you when the boy wound up dead?
10:51A gay boy on an island full of bigots.
10:54That's what we call them on the mainland.
10:55You may not like the way we do things here, Randall,
10:58but it is the law and I will uphold that law.
11:02He might have been a gargle, but he had rights.
11:04If I thought harm had been done to him by somebody on the island,
11:07I would have found that somebody,
11:09and I would have dealt with them.
11:11And I wouldn't have wished his fate upon anyone.
11:14Drowning yourself in a reservoir.
11:16Oh, he must have been very unhappy.
11:18Where was he living?
11:19Well, he was an oil slick, so he was renting a place.
11:23What does that mean, oil slick? I've heard it before.
11:25Oh, it's an island term
11:27for something unwelcome that washes up on our shores.
11:31In other words, someone from the mainland.
11:34No, no, no, no.
11:35If you're not an islander, you can't hold property here.
11:38In fact, ultimately, everything belongs to the laird, Mr Pomeroy.
11:42He even owns this place.
11:44The boy must have been full of doubt, confused.
11:48He must have come to understand there was something wrong with him.
11:50Do you know, after they found him in the reservoir,
11:54the locals wouldn't drink the water for days.
11:57Not until the laird could reassure them
11:58there was no way he could have polluted it.
12:01They actually thought it was poisoned.
12:03They thought they would get his disease round.
12:06Oh.
12:06They thought it would turn them all into gargles.
12:09Right.
12:10Good day.
12:10Good day.
12:13Mountain mist.
12:15And stream.
12:18No, mountain stream.
12:25I think we should pay this Bury Pomeroy a visit, though.
12:27The laird of all he surveys.
12:29Excuse me.
12:31Sorry.
12:32This is a weird place, you know.
12:34No way it was suicide.
12:36Oh, so who do we think might have done it?
12:38Take your pick from that one.
12:41Oh, hello there again.
12:42Actually, could you help me, Commodore?
12:44I'm going to visit Bury Pomeroy tomorrow.
12:46I wondered if you had the number of a cab.
12:47No.
12:48No.
12:49Is there somewhere in the village I can get a taxi?
12:51No.
12:53I'll tell you what I'd like to date her.
12:55What?
12:56I'd wrap her in one of my nets so she couldn't move.
13:00And then I'd lick her all over.
13:03Can I rent a car on the island?
13:05No.
13:06Right, right, right.
13:07Here's what I'd like to do.
13:08I'd like to...
13:10What?
13:12I'd like to...
13:13lick her all over.
13:16Can I just say it now?
13:18Hello.
13:19I'd like to do it to you.
13:23A map?
13:24Do you have a map of the island?
13:26No.
13:27Right.
13:29But I could drive you up there if you want.
13:31Yeah?
13:33White wine spritzers, is it?
13:35I think I'll have a pint of your local beer, actually.
13:37Yeah, make that two.
13:39One.
13:40Bouet's Iron Man.
13:42Good choice.
13:43Totally organic.
13:44Only the purest ingredients.
13:46Not a chemical in sight.
13:48Sounds great.
13:49I'll just have an orange juice and a pack of crisps, though, please.
13:51I can't drink at the moment, sir.
13:52Deary, deary me, he can't drink at the moment.
13:56Should you be eating crisps with a bad tooth?
13:59I don't know, Gene.
14:00What do you think?
14:01There you are.
14:02That'll put hairs on your chest.
14:04Thanks.
14:09Oh, hi there.
14:10This is Sam.
14:11He was telling me about some problems Curtis was having with the computers at Boo Hayes.
14:15Come on, let's sit down.
14:22I saw him.
14:24The last night.
14:26Did he seem depressed?
14:27Upset in any way?
14:29As a matter of fact, he seemed pretty good.
14:32Reckoned him it had cracked the problem.
14:34What was it?
14:34It was all very technical, but...
14:38It was something to do with contamination.
14:40He was worried they might have to close down the brewery.
14:43Of course, he couldn't say anything to anybody.
14:45It didn't exactly fit in around here, you know.
14:48In the end, he went up to see Mr Pomeroy about it.
14:52Yeah?
14:52Aye.
14:53And did anything come of it?
14:55Did they have to close the brewery down?
14:56No.
14:57No one's heard anything since.
15:01Listen, I'd better go away.
15:03It's just...
15:05It was a friend, you know.
15:08And then, you know, I'd get one of those female wrestlers.
15:13Oh, you know what the muscles like?
15:14Aye, aye.
15:15And I'd set her on her and I'd watch.
15:18Like a bodybuilder type.
15:19Aye.
15:20And I'd set her on her and I'd...
15:21With all those muscles and the big strong legs.
15:24Aye, aye.
15:25Almost like men, aren't they?
15:27Aye.
15:59No, look, he was just a friend.
16:02I didn't do anything.
16:03I didn't say anything.
16:05I mean, you can't do this.
16:07I haven't done anything wrong.
16:09No.
16:10No!
16:16Eugh.
16:17Eugh.
16:18Eugh.
16:20It's nice, isn't it?
16:21That is really nice.
16:22I don't usually like beer, but this is just...
16:25Eugh.
16:25You're really enjoying that, aren't you?
16:27Eugh.
16:29It looks lovely.
16:29And do you want some?
16:30Could I, yeah.
16:31Oh, I'm sorry.
16:32I forgot.
16:33You can't, can you?
16:34You poor tooth.
16:36Thanks for your concern, Noor.
16:38Janie, thank you.
16:39Eugh.
16:41I think I'll get another.
16:43Do you want some more crisps?
16:44Anybody may die, but my heart will keep loving you, baby.
16:49Ooh, our love will survive through the passage.
16:54My breast's getting bigger.
16:56I beg your pardon?
16:57Well, do you think my breasts are growing?
17:00I wouldn't know.
17:02I just feel all sort of, hmm, voluptuous all of a sudden.
17:07Janie, you're just drunk.
17:09You're funny, Geoff.
17:11Whenever we go away anywhere and we're forced together like this,
17:15you go all sort of weird and businesslike on me.
17:19Like you're trying to be my dad or something.
17:22Well, all right, then.
17:23Let's discuss your breasts.
17:26It must be the Sierra.
17:28Well, it's inflated them, has it?
17:32Oh, maybe it's all these rugged men surrounding us.
17:36I just want to...
17:37What?
17:40Have babies.
17:41Janie, you should go to bed.
17:43Come on, Geoff.
17:44Let's have some fun for a change, hmm?
17:52Look, it's fair.
18:18Thank you very much, that's great, thanks.
18:26There's no need to wait, Commodore, I'll make my own way back, really.
18:30Thanks.
18:32Honestly the walk will do me good, give me a chance to get some air into me lungs.
18:36I walk a lot up here, it makes me feel like a different person, you know I like to get
18:43away and think about things, I can be very lonely on this island.
18:49Come off it, you run the pub.
18:50I get enough jovial, manly, drinking companionship in one day to last me a lifetime, but you
18:58know I think the boys in the hotel will sometimes forget that I'm a woman, I know Babacom does.
19:14You never give up, do you?
19:16Oh, it's you.
19:17What do you mean?
19:18You never give up with the ladies, do you?
19:20Oh Marty, behave yourself.
19:22Look, will you have a poke around you?
19:23Ooh, I bet you know about poking around as well, don't you?
19:25Maybe, yeah.
19:27Are you gonna help me with this, Marty?
19:28Maybe.
19:28Right, well check this place out.
19:30I bet not much happens round here without the laird knowing about it.
19:32Hello?
19:34Er, hello, Geoff Randall.
19:35I don't have an appointment.
19:37Come with me.
19:57Mr. Pomeroy?
19:59Not so loud.
20:01Sorry.
20:02Oh, it doesn't matter anyway, they're not biting.
20:05Sometimes it's a monumental waste of time.
20:10Geoff Randall, here.
20:13I wondered how long it'd take you to work your way up here?
20:18I don't mean to appear sinister, but we have a very small island and a very quick bush telegraph.
20:26Right.
20:26Do you fish?
20:28Er, yeah, as a child in the canal, you know, a few roach, mackerel.
20:31Some people have a thing about fishermen.
20:33They think we're evil, murderous bastards that torture fish for sport.
20:37But the fact of the matter is that if there weren't any fishermen, there would be no fish.
20:42We fight pollution.
20:43We fight netting.
20:45We fight the fish farms that spread diseases.
20:47We fight the water industries that drain the water table.
20:50We want fish, Mr. Randall.
20:54We want clear rivers.
20:57Look, could I...
20:58Do you know how many hormones are leached into our rivers from farms?
21:01Do you know male fish are turning female?
21:06Makes you think, doesn't it?
21:08It makes you think.
21:09Makes you think what we're doing to this beautiful planet.
21:32Never mind that it's a good planet.
21:42It's a place to live. It's clean. And it's safe.
21:45But nobody's wanted to leave for years.
21:48It's the first time in generations that the population has grown.
21:52But where will they live? Where will we put them?
21:55They'll spread like mankind spreads everywhere, destroying what it loves.
21:59But you didn't want to know about that.
22:02You want to know about the dead boy.
22:04He's not just the dead boy, Mr Pomeroy.
22:06He's a real person with a family and friends and a grieving mother.
22:10Curtis. Curtis Noel.
22:11Oh, I didn't mean to appear unfeeling.
22:13It's just that I never met him. It's not an island of bad business.
22:16You carried out the autopsy, though, didn't you?
22:18Oh, yes, I carried out the autopsy.
22:20For one, it's the law. And for two, I'm the only one qualified.
22:23You said earlier, though, that you'd never met him.
22:26I think that taking a scalpel to a corpse is hardly meeting someone, Mr Randall.
22:31Oh.
22:59No problem.
23:00You said earlier with the fountains, Mr Pomeroy.
23:03What the focus, Mrda?
23:03Mr Pomeroy will keep learning.
23:04Push into your pratik.
23:05You wait for me to have access to your×™×™.
23:05I'm going to take care of my 30 and June in one gate.
23:11After you're tous the pack, you should...
23:11... wym Animated of fountains for ant Railroad.
23:17Let's go.
23:43Jeannie.
23:51Jeannie.
23:53Good morning, Jeannie.
23:56What time is it?
23:58It's late. I've been up for hours.
24:00I'm sorry.
24:03Hangover, yeah?
24:05No, no.
24:06Not really. I'm fine.
24:08I just...
24:10Come on, I just feel sort of itchy all over, like I just want to...
24:20Oh.
24:22It's all right. I slept in your room last night.
24:25Oh.
24:27I had some wild dreams last night.
24:30Yeah?
24:31I can't tell you about them. They make you blush.
24:33Well, give us a try.
24:35I'm going to have a shower.
24:40When you're finished, we'll meet at the harbour, all right?
24:42And, er, then we'll go to the brewery again.
24:45Yeah.
24:46You've featured in them quite a lot.
24:53Oh, I had the same dream.
24:55We were ten-pin bowling.
24:57Yeah.
24:59I don't know, it's some kind of weird laboratory run by Japanese boffins.
25:04Just like Dr. No.
25:06I don't suppose that was on telly last night, by any chance, was it?
25:08Yeah, it was.
25:09I can watch 20 channels all at the same time.
25:11You know, like David Bowie and The Man Who Fell to Earth.
25:13Can you really?
25:14Yeah.
25:14And the laboratory was just the same, was it?
25:16Yeah, like surveillance.
25:17All linked up to the computers.
25:19I know, there's an idea, Marty.
25:21Computers.
25:22When we go to the brewery, could you access their computer system?
25:25Have a look round for us.
25:26I can do that.
25:27But what I really want to do is get back up to the, um, castle.
25:30Right, well, I'll see what I can do.
25:31Is there, um, anything else you want to talk to me about?
25:36I don't think so, no.
25:39So, um, what did you do last night?
25:42Nothing, really.
25:43Jeannie got a bit drunk, um, just went to bed early.
25:46Early night, was it?
25:47Yeah.
25:48Well, I was knackered, you know, and his tooth's playing us up.
25:51Watched a bit of telly.
25:53Oh, did you?
25:53Watched what was on then?
25:54What did you watch?
26:04Dr. No.
26:05I watched Dr. No.
26:06It was very good.
26:12All right?
26:16Yeah, but it's a good beer, Jeff.
26:18I think we're going to have some more tonight.
26:20You've got to watch yourself.
26:21Jeannie?
26:23Have you got a TV guide in here?
26:24Yeah, Eddie.
26:26Look.
26:27I see there's two of them now.
26:28Come on, we'll take the both of you on.
26:30Aye.
26:32I'll have a wee short one.
26:33Yeah?
26:33Yeah.
26:34I like your shoes, darling.
26:38Actually, I do like those shoes.
26:39Where'd you get them, pal?
26:41I can't remember London, I think.
26:42They are lovely shoes, by the way.
26:45Do you fancy going for a drink or something, later?
26:47No.
26:48Maybe I can show you around the island.
26:50Hey, I'll ask them first.
26:51It's all right.
26:51Well, I saw them first.
26:52It's your eye, pal!
26:53Aye, Jason, why do you take her out for a drink?
26:55I don't want you to take her out for a drink.
26:56I'll make it.
26:58What was all that about?
26:59I think you've made some new friends, Jeff.
27:01Yeah.
27:01Look, is it just me?
27:03Or are the people on this island turning a bit strange?
27:06There must be something in the water.
27:09Ginny.
27:10I'm sorry.
27:11This isn't a good time.
27:13It won't take a minute.
27:14Look, we just want to ask about the computer defect that Kurt has discovered.
27:17Yes, if you wouldn't mind leaving.
27:19It was a software bug.
27:20It was nothing serious.
27:21He seemed to think it was serious.
27:22Please!
27:24This isn't a good time.
27:25I've just lost one of my workers.
27:27How do you mean?
27:28The young lad.
27:30Sam.
27:30Aye.
27:31Evidently, he left the pub very drunk.
27:33He must have fallen on the cliff apart.
27:35Anyway, they found him this morning, washed up on the beach.
27:38Dead.
27:38Aye.
27:40Dead.
27:41I really hate this job sometimes.
27:44Hey, we haven't done anything.
27:46It's certainly not your fault.
27:47It's this place.
27:49It's...
27:49It's bad.
27:50But it is our fault.
27:52He was the only person on the island willing to talk to us, and now he's dead.
27:57Come on, let's get out of this place.
27:59Mr. Angle, Miss Hurst.
28:02Yeah?
28:02Mr. Pommer, I invite you to drink this evening.
28:08Yes, if we work through the night, the order will be ready for shipment in the morning.
28:12Aye.
28:13Ah, good, good.
28:15You're an angel.
28:17Right, run along.
28:18I've got to get cracking.
28:42Good.
28:43Good.
28:45Good.
28:50I don't know.
29:20I don't know.
29:48I don't know.
30:08I don't know.
30:13I don't know.
30:43So I've heard.
30:43Unless you were one of the people that were less of, if you see what I mean.
30:48Exactly.
30:49But how do you reduce the population without harming anyone?
30:52Oh, you're too much of a sentimentalist, Betty.
30:55You can't make an omelette without breaking an egg.
30:58That's very true.
30:59Yeah, there's no point crying over a needle in a haystack.
31:12Ask him about Curtis, Jeff.
31:15Barry.
31:16Tell me about Curtis Noel.
31:18What about him, Jeff?
31:19He was definitely here the night he died.
31:22You told me you'd never met him, but he was here the night he died, wasn't he?
31:26Well, he came to the castle, but I wasn't here.
31:28Liar.
31:28Ask him about the lab.
31:30Let's play it your way, then, Pomeroy.
31:32Tell me about the laboratory.
31:34Tell me about the Japanese workers round the back.
31:36Well, there's no secret about it.
31:37I conduct private experiments into fish.
31:40Their breeding and gender.
31:42I want to know more about their lifestyle.
31:44Ask him about Tiresias 28.
31:46What is Tiresias 28, Pomeroy?
31:49I don't know.
31:50What is Tiresias 28?
31:52That's what I'm asking.
31:53What is Tiresias 28?
31:55I don't know, but they make it round the back,
31:57and I'm pretty convinced they put it in that Iron Man beer they make.
32:01It doesn't officially show up on any of the records.
32:03Ask him about the brewery, Jeff.
32:05Tell me about the brewery, Barry.
32:06What did Curtis uncover there?
32:08I told you before, Randall, it was a software bug.
32:11Oh, so why did they put the stuff in the beer?
32:13So why'd you put Tiresias 28 in the lager at Boo Hayes, Pomeroy?
32:18Maybe you didn't hear me the first time.
32:20I have no idea what Tiresias 28 is.
32:23Really, Jeff, I don't know where you get these fanciful ideas from.
32:27You're not the only one.
32:28Ask him who he called before Curtis left.
32:30Who did you call, Pomeroy, before Curtis left that night?
32:33I've never met him.
32:34All right, ask him why he took down those costumes on the night that he died.
32:38Why did you take down the costumes the night that Curtis died?
32:40Leave it, Randall.
32:41And last night.
32:42And last night, when Sam was killed.
32:44I'm getting somewhat tired of your questions.
32:46Ask him about ancient justice.
32:47Was it an example of your famous ancient justice in action?
32:51Ask him what Tiresias 28 does to you.
32:53What does Tiresias 28 do to you?
32:55Ask him what you and Jeannie were doing canoodling last night.
32:58And what was I doing canoodling with Jeannie last night?
33:02Jeff, I think we'd better go.
33:04So you didn't think you'd consult me first before just spewing all that stuff out willy-nilly?
33:09I didn't plan it like this, Jeannie.
33:11And you've got to admit, Pomeroy's guilty of sin.
33:13This has nothing to do with Curtis's sexuality, you know.
33:16He found out something he shouldn't have found out.
33:17Yes, but if you knew all that, why couldn't you just have...
33:19And to the best of my knowledge, we did not canoodle last night.
33:23Jeannie, it was just a joke.
33:24No, Jeff, I've told you before.
33:25A joke is when you say something funny and the other...
33:36Oh, look.
33:38It's them two...
33:41them two...
33:42gargle-loving oilies.
33:43Why don't you just float back to the sewer you dribbled out of?
33:46Not until we finish what we came to do.
33:47What was that?
33:48What did the pretty little oil slick say?
33:51Who put you up to this then?
33:52Was it the laird?
33:53Got a call from him, did you?
33:54Because we found out his little secret.
33:56We don't have any secrets here, oily.
33:58I'm going to show you what a real man is capable of.
34:01Are you?
34:01Yeah.
34:02Me too.
34:04Are you really?
34:18Well, come on.
34:19I'm waiting.
34:24Well, maybe you're not a real man.
34:25Don't make me angry, girl!
34:26Or what?
34:27You'll hit me with your handbag.
34:28No, take what I want from you.
34:30Help yourself.
34:41I'm not a real man.
34:42I don't know.
34:53Oh!
34:54Ah!
34:55Oh!
35:00Oh!
35:02Hallows mark.
35:03Ugh!
35:03Ugh!
35:05Uugh!
35:07Ugh!
35:11Are you all right?
35:13Yeah.
35:14Are you?
35:17Uh, Inspector.
35:19Good timing.
35:21There you are.
35:24Right.
35:24Into the van.
35:26What?
35:26You're both under arrest.
35:28What for?
35:29Assault.
35:30Come on, into the van and keep quiet.
35:40Ah, Prisoner Sal Block H, eh?
35:42Or is it the Shawshank Redemption?
35:46What it is, Marty, is somebody wants us out of the way.
35:50Oh, and thank you for putting me in it at Pomeroy's last night.
35:52I'm sorry.
35:53And I was not canoodling with Jeannie.
35:55Oh, so she wasn't in your room last night, then?
35:57Your bed room.
36:00And she wasn't watching Dr No with you?
36:02Look, all right, Marty, she was in me room, yeah.
36:05But nothing happened.
36:06She was drunk.
36:08It's that local beer.
36:09It's...
36:10It makes her act strange, you know?
36:15Tiresias 28.
36:17What's in that stuff?
36:18I don't know.
36:20You're going to have to find out, Marty.
36:21Don't worry.
36:23I'll have it solved by the morning.
36:31Where should it go?
36:33I just think it's all getting out of hand.
36:35Pomeroy knows what he's doing.
36:37I know, but if any of this should get out...
36:39Hold your nerve, man.
36:41So what if the beer's not 100% organic?
36:44Once people start drinking it, they can't stop.
36:48Think of the money.
36:52Aye.
36:53Aye, you're right.
37:00Oh, let me see that bruise.
37:03Oh, that's really nasty.
37:05You should put something on that.
37:07We're going to have to get you some rescue remedy.
37:12It's so easy to get things out of perspective.
37:27It's Faye, Babacum.
37:30My name is Faye.
37:47The shipping's complete, Mr. Faye, you've got the boat's ready, so they can basically set it at first light.
37:52Good, good, good.
37:54And just to make sure there are no mishaps, I want you to stay up at the warehouse tonight and
37:58take a couple of the other lads with you.
38:01Marty!
38:09Marty!
38:10Marty!
38:11Marty!
38:18Oh, hello, Inspector.
38:19Evening, Geoff.
38:22I'm, er...
38:23Sorry about all this.
38:25Well, why don't you just let us go, then?
38:26No, I can't.
38:28I'm afraid you'll have to stay in here until we can organise for you to be tried by the island
38:33court.
38:33This is stupid.
38:34You can't do this to us, you know.
38:35Look, I'll make sure you have everything you need, and I, er...
38:40Well, I look forward to having some nice chats with you.
38:45Well, we don't usually get, er, many new faces around here, and...
38:50Well, what with things being how they are, and how things are on the island.
38:57Do you know, I've never felt like this before about anyone.
39:02I'm sorry?
39:03From that very first time you stepped into my office.
39:06What?
39:07Well, don't tell me you can't feel it, too.
39:09Feel what?
39:10Well, I...
39:14I...
39:15I...
39:15What?
39:17I love you, Geoff.
39:22Oh, right.
39:24Right.
39:25Well, I'll, um...
39:28I'll, er...
39:30I'll see you in the morning.
39:54There's a huge shim in the beer.
39:56You wouldn't believe how much beer there was ready to leave tomorrow.
39:59And whatever Tiresias 28 is, it's already sent half the islanders mad.
40:03We've got to stop them.
40:05We've got to get out of here and stop them.
40:07So much beer.
40:09We've got to get out of here.
40:11Yeah, right.
40:12Wait here.
40:32Geoff, I need you to do something for me.
40:34What?
40:35I didn't say anything.
40:36Make me jealous.
40:38What?
40:39I said I didn't say anything.
40:41Make me jealous!
40:44Go on!
40:56It's a bit cold in here, isn't it?
40:57It's a lot different from last night.
41:00Nothing happened, Geoff.
41:02Do it!
41:03Mind you, a couple more pints of that local beer and who knows what I might have done.
41:07I don't know what you're doing.
41:14Oh!
41:28Oh!
41:29Oh!
41:30What the?
41:31Come on, Gene.
41:32Come on!
41:33Let's go to the castle!
41:34Wait!
41:35Wait!
41:36What?
41:36I'll go and check the coast for you.
41:37Wait!
41:38Come on, we've got to get out of here!
41:52Geoff!
41:55Are you going to tell me what's going on this time?
41:56I'll tell you all the way, Gene.
41:57Come on.
41:58I'll tell you all the way, Gene.
42:16Come on, Gene.
42:23Get back!
42:34Look out, Jeff!
42:35Look out!
42:35You're after you!
42:36Ah!
42:37Look out, Jeff!
42:37Ah!
42:39Ah!
42:40Ah!
42:42Ah!
42:44Ah!
42:45Ah!
42:55I'm sorry. I do not know Kung Fu. I'm just a battler.
43:00Sorry.
43:02Right in his town, we've got some answers.
43:04You've got a lot of explaining to do, Mr Pomeroy.
43:11Mr Pomeroy!
43:14Fish cake!
43:15Fish acre.
43:18So, Mr Pomeroy.
43:22As I was saying, Pomeroy,
43:25Babacom.
43:33Right then, Mr Pomeroy!
43:36Can I be of any assistance?
43:41What's in the lager, Berry?
43:43How do you stop the relentless flow of humanity, Jeff?
43:48Without resorting to violence?
43:50You stop them from multiplying.
43:52Exactly.
43:53I got the idea from the fish.
43:55The male fish turning female.
43:56Very good.
43:58What if every man in the world lost his interest in women?
44:01Lost the instinct to breed?
44:03No more patter of tiny feet.
44:05No more people.
44:06I tried adding my super drug to the reservoir,
44:11but it was too diluted.
44:12It diffused and broke down before it was of any use.
44:14Yes, but when I added it to the beer,
44:16the results were extraordinary.
44:19Something happened in the brewing process.
44:21What are you talking about, Pomeroy?
44:24I thought that T28 was a flavour enhancer.
44:27I'm sorry, Coombe.
44:28You weren't to know.
44:29You see that, Valt?
44:31It contains enough concentrated Tiresias 28
44:36to walk the sex of half the males in Europe.
44:40Now, I know that I'm not meant to do any harm.
44:43Kiss her, Jeff.
44:44But in your cases, like those unfortunate boys,
44:47I have to make an exception.
44:49Kiss her, quick!
44:57Kiss her, quick!
45:20Oh!
45:20Oh!
45:22Oh!
45:25Oh, my God!
45:36Oh!
45:37Oh!
45:40Oh!
45:42Oh!
45:43Oh!
45:44Oh!
45:45Oh!
46:05Now, that's something you don't see every day.
46:08Oh, oh!
46:09Apart from the fall of the house of Usher, Jeff.
46:12Is it similar?
46:22I suppose we need to face up to a few things round here.
46:25It won't be so hard.
46:27In a way, Pomeroy's drug may have done some good.
46:32What's that?
46:34A souvenir.
46:36Poor Jeff.
46:37It's not for him, it's for me.
46:39That's what I meant.
46:43But, Jeff, really, you were lucky
46:47because the investigator in the Wicker Man, he was killed.
46:50Yeah, you all right?
46:51Well, uh, uh, uh, goodbye then.
46:55I'm sorry about last night.
46:57I had to lock you up to stop them getting to you.
47:00That was the only safe place I could think of.
47:02It's all right.
47:03I, uh, hope I didn't make too big a fool of myself.
47:06Oh, no, not at all.
47:07Not at all.
47:07I was quite flattered, really.
47:09I don't know what's come over me.
47:11I, I, I didn't think.
47:12Look, Inspector, I wouldn't worry.
47:14The effects of that beer will wear off in a couple of weeks.
47:16I'm sure of it.
47:16Well, the thing is, Jeff, you see, I don't drink.
47:22I don't drink.
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