- 5 hours ago
First broadcast 31st October 2014.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Phill Jupitus
Josh Widdicombe
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Phill Jupitus
Josh Widdicombe
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Ah, bonsoir, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, where tonight we are looking at
00:05lungs, livers, and other bits, beginning with L.
00:09Joining me are the luscious legs of Joe Brand.
00:17The luscious locks of Phil Jupitus.
00:24The lovely larynx of Josh Widdicombe.
00:30And the lily-livered Alan Davies.
00:37So, let's examine your organs.
00:42Joe goes...
00:49Phil goes...
00:55Josh goes...
01:01And Alan goes...
01:18Anyway, in this l-series, we have a special bonus, which is, if there's a lavatorial question, it's a spend
01:25-a-penny.
01:26There you go.
01:32Because L is for lavatory, there may be a question which involves something lavatorial.
01:36If you think you've spotted the question, wave your penny.
01:39So, let's have a look at question one.
01:41What was the problem with the first-ever contact lenses?
01:47Joe Brand?
01:49Well, they're made of hydrochloric acid.
01:52That would have been a serious problem.
01:55I presume they were massive and heavy and awkward and difficult.
01:57They were very awkward, massive and difficult.
01:59I'll give you 20 years either way to say what year they first appeared.
02:031920.
02:04Oh, that's weird.
02:05Whoa!
02:07Scary.
02:08What's that?
02:09No, it's not that.
02:101880, actually.
02:11It was in Germany, where they grind lenses extremely well.
02:14And there was one pioneer called August Müller, who could only wear them for half an hour.
02:18And then only after he had used cocaine on his eyes to numb them.
02:23Because they were very, very...
02:24This excuse.
02:25Yeah.
02:27Oh, my eyes!
02:28They're so...
02:29Oh!
02:33Oh, my eyesight is so irritable and keen.
02:37My eyes are talking nonsense.
02:41They used to saw off the bottom of test tubes and then grind them smooth and put them in.
02:46They were used not for vision correction.
02:48Originally, they were concealing eye damage and things like that to protect sensitive eyes.
02:53Was the eye damage caused by the contact?
02:55Well, you did.
02:56But then they got more sophisticated with it.
02:58By the 1920s and 30s, in America, they were quite popular, but only with incredibly rich people.
03:03That's quite a big one, then.
03:04That is.
03:07In the 1920s and 30s, they cost more than a car.
03:10One set.
03:11So there's only very rich daddies who would let...
03:13Because their daughters didn't want to wear glasses.
03:16And if you watch Hollywood movies of the 30s and 40s, you will see that no actress wears glasses
03:21except an actress who is playing a part that is basically a librarian, a dowd, a frump.
03:27I'm not looking at you when I'm saying that.
03:33Whoa!
03:34Why, Miss Quimby, you're beautiful!
03:38Anyway, we have borrowed some objects from the world-famous British Optical Association Museum.
03:46And you each have, and I'm going to start with Phil, you have an optical object
03:50and I'd like you to just tell me what you think it might be.
03:54Oh, er, right.
03:57Well, it's got a lovely leather surround.
04:00Yes.
04:01Right, so why would you want to see things this red?
04:04Yeah.
04:05Was it for a nascent superhero communist man?
04:10Are they... is that literally rose-tinted glasses?
04:14Are you feeling...
04:15Oh, the 80s!
04:16The star-hands!
04:19The Guardian with a decent head of thugs!
04:23Or a chorea!
04:24His crosswords were easy then!
04:27Pump up the volume!
04:28Billy Bragg!
04:29Billy Bragg!
04:31As you can see, they look like flying goggles.
04:33Yeah, yeah, they do.
04:33And that's what they are, but they're not for flying.
04:36Then they're not flying goggles.
04:38Don't be picky, he doesn't like that.
04:41They are for pilots.
04:43They're for night pilots.
04:43It's so they can acclimatise their eyes for darkness.
04:48Oh...
04:48So they go to the canteen where the lady says...
04:51You know, a little...
04:52Flying tonight, love!
04:54Because if you're flying tonight, you've got the extra eggs and bacon.
04:57Because the chances, well, you wouldn't come back.
04:59I would say that rather they make everyone you bump into look like a Dutch prostitute.
05:07There is an element of that.
05:08Dance for me, Stephen!
05:09Dance for me!
05:10I don't know.
05:11I don't know.
05:11Oh!
05:15You've made me...
05:18All right.
05:20You are a unique individual if you don't understand.
05:25No, I would go.
05:26Why can't I dance without people laughing?
05:28I don't know.
05:29You bring joy!
05:30You're like...
05:30I missed that lesson that everybody else went to at school where they were taught how to dance at a
05:34discotheque.
05:38Anyway, Alan, what have you got that's optical?
05:40It looks like a lot of pair of glasses.
05:43Yeah, it is.
05:44And it has...
05:44Three...
05:44Put them on and describe what you see.
05:52Well, you won't be surprised to hear that my vision is somewhat obscure.
05:55Yes.
05:58Look at the audience.
05:59They make...
06:00And what do I...
06:00What can you see?
06:02They're kind of like binoculars where you can really see...
06:05Can you see me doing anything?
06:06No.
06:08You're not working, Alan.
06:11Dance.
06:11Dance.
06:18They're meant to be for peripheral vision, then.
06:21They were designed for drivers who had...
06:25Who had bad eyesight and it was to improve their peripheral vision.
06:31Well, it clearly doesn't work.
06:35I mean, there's no chance of driving in these.
06:38It was me like that all the time.
06:44Well, that's unfortunate.
06:46Well, thank you for trying them.
06:48And next up is Josh.
06:50What have you got?
06:50They're very fashionable, aren't they?
06:53Yeah.
06:54Now, what you haven't done, though...
06:55I will take the red pill.
06:59What you have...
07:01Oh, I see.
07:01Yeah, you haven't fully exploited their...
07:04Exactly.
07:05What have you got there?
07:06Corners.
07:07Now...
07:07No, they're exactly the same.
07:13If I were to tell you that these are...
07:15Despite their modern look, they're actually way over 100 years old.
07:19They're mid-19th century.
07:21What do you think they might help with?
07:24Um...
07:25If I were to say one of the great British love stories...
07:28Oh!
07:29Oh, yes.
07:30Wow.
07:31Very good.
07:31They just keep going.
07:32Yeah, the gift that keeps giving.
07:35Well, one of the great British love story movies.
07:37Uh, Strangers on a...
07:39No.
07:40Did you go to the right area?
07:41Brief Encounter.
07:42Brief Encounter.
07:42What...
07:42How do they meet Cedar Johnson and Trevor Howard in Brief Encounter?
07:46Uh...
07:47Hey, um...
07:48She leans out the window...
07:49Pokes him in the eye.
07:51Does he get something in her eye?
07:52She gets a smut in her eye.
07:54Yeah.
07:54He's a doctor.
07:55He comes with a hanky...
07:56The basic thing is, from the open carriage days of railways onwards,
08:00because of steam, smuts, so on, people got really stung in the eyes.
08:05I'm sorry, who's speaking now?
08:06No way expected it.
08:10That makes no sense.
08:13Sorry.
08:14And yet it's funny.
08:16Um...
08:16So, if she'd had a pair of these, that wouldn't have been quite the film it was, would it?
08:19It really wouldn't.
08:20It would have lasted about ten minutes.
08:21Yeah.
08:22If he'd had a pair of these on, he'd have poked her eye out.
08:25I think I can tell what they do better, Josh, if you dance for me.
08:32Whoa!
08:34Never got that reaction before.
08:36Yeah.
08:37I wish I'd brought more Edam.
08:41Is that a kind of ecstasy cheese?
08:45Oh!
08:46There's a thing that drug dealers haven't thought of.
08:50Psychotropic cheeses.
08:53Edam.
08:54Edam.
08:54Joe, it's your turn.
08:58Oh, you've got a bonnet.
09:01Lovely bonnet and something hanging from it.
09:04There you are.
09:08How cool is that?
09:11That's great, isn't it?
09:12You are Mrs. Norris in Mansfield Park.
09:15It's a Jane Austen moment.
09:17Holmes, I never realised it was you!
09:21I can't see a bloody thing through it, though.
09:24What am I supposed to be able to see?
09:26You look absolutely gorgeous.
09:29If there had been, if there had been a character from Mansfield Park in Colditz, she...
09:38Stop!
09:40Stop!
09:41Your wish to escape from my prison camp.
09:44Not before we have done a little embroidery, no?
09:50I think it's more, it's more sort of Dickensian, isn't it?
09:54Like, Mrs. Gamp, the elderly person.
09:58I say, sir, let me see your penis.
10:02Well, this is what these goggles were for!
10:05She's got the idea of that one!
10:07These are definitely Dutch.
10:09I'm going to have to...
10:09Even with my Monica, like, it's awfully small.
10:12No!
10:15You know how to make a man feel very, very unhappy.
10:18Well, enough, enough.
10:20I have the most delicate from this museum.
10:24It's a fan.
10:25It's an...
10:25Beautiful fan for fanning yourself, obviously.
10:30But it has a secret lens in the middle, so I can see what you're doing.
10:35So it allows people, who apparently are fanning themselves and not taking any notice of anyone else,
10:41to have a very...
10:43I'm not going to lie to you.
10:45Yeah?
10:46There is a slight different technique when you start looking at me to when you're fanning yourself.
10:51Mmm!
10:53No, you're only fanning yourself very slowly there.
10:58Ow!
11:00I think I'm putting these back on.
11:04Yes, they were very popular.
11:06I think, actually, a friend of mine...
11:08Because, like, opera glasses always seem really old-fashioned, don't they?
11:11Mmm.
11:11And he was at the theatre with his elderly aunt.
11:14She'd never seen them before.
11:16And she said, how do these work?
11:17And she said, he said, well, you just put your money in, and then you can see what's going on
11:21on stage.
11:21And she went, can't see a thing!
11:23Oh!
11:26I was on very screen.
11:29So, good. Excellent.
11:31Name something this lizard is doing as well as running.
11:40Yes, Josh.
11:41Is he worrying what's wrong with his legs?
11:44He might be. I don't think lizards ever worry. He looks quite cheerful.
11:48What might he be doing? What do all animals do, virtually?
11:51Uh, hunting.
11:52Hunting, yeah.
11:53Sniffing.
11:54Sniffing. What does that involve?
11:56Breathing.
11:56What do you mean, what does it involve?
11:58Breathing, Josh.
12:00Sorry, I was cruel.
12:03He's not breathing.
12:04That's the strange thing about lizards.
12:06They have to twist their bodies so much that it compresses their lungs, and they can't breathe.
12:11So, they do a bit of a run, and then they stop, as we'll see.
12:14He's running, running, running, not breathing at all.
12:16And he thinks, oh, blimey, I need some oxygen.
12:19He'll stop.
12:22He's only when he's straight.
12:24Only when he's heteros...
12:25No, only when he's straight.
12:28That he can...
12:29That's just silly.
12:30Makes no sense.
12:31That he can breathe.
12:32You were like the Oxbridge Johnny Morrison.
12:34He was running a long bar.
12:38But we have an example of that the fastest humans on Earth run which race?
12:43100 metres.
12:43And it's said that some 100-metre sprinters don't breathe throughout the race.
12:49I mean, they obviously take gulps in, oxygenate themselves, get all ready, like that.
12:53And then they're running and...
12:54You see them in slow motion.
12:58And then blow it down.
12:59Fadabada, fadabada, fadabada.
13:01And, um...
13:04Is that the noise it makes?
13:05That's the noise it makes.
13:06Wow.
13:07When it reaches 20 miles an hour, that's the noise it starts to make.
13:11Wow!
13:14What's that, Buddha?
13:15Do-do-do-do-do-do.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:19I haven't had a friend who is a judge in the Linford Christie lunchbox case.
13:24Looking like competition.
13:25No, lunchbox case.
13:26What was that?
13:27I can't remember what it was about.
13:29But there was this issue of his lunchbox came up, Linford Christie's lunchbox, and the judge said,
13:33er, what exactly is a lunchbox?
13:37And I teased him about it, and he said,
13:39no, no, I want you to understand, I knew exactly what it meant,
13:42but I have to ask on behalf of the jury.
13:45That's why judges are always quoted as saying,
13:46and so what is a muppet, precisely?
13:49Did you say he was a member of the Beatles?
13:52Did you say he was a ladybird or something?
13:54No, it's a...
13:55But, um, yeah.
13:56I've got a thing. Has anyone else...
13:58Have you, darling?
14:00There you go, it's fadabada.
14:03Um, I can't walk and drink at the same time.
14:07Ah!
14:07I really struggle with it.
14:09Is that, is that normal?
14:11No, I think it is.
14:11Well, who wants to throw in the...
14:13Well, I think you'd have to go slowly.
14:15Yeah.
14:15Because the motion creates a wave that will slop over the side of the glass.
14:19Exactly.
14:21Physics.
14:25Yeah, um, the ability to do two things at once.
14:29We can ask the audience and we can ask you.
14:31It's easier for the audience because of the way they're sitting down.
14:33Um, all you have to do is revolve your right foot clockwise.
14:37That's easy, isn't it?
14:39And then with your right hand, make a six.
14:43Is your foot suddenly going...
14:45Oh, wow!
14:47Oh, I don't like that.
14:48Isn't that extraordinary?
14:49That's it.
14:50Right foot clockwise.
14:51Oh, yeah.
14:51That's weird.
14:53Yeah.
14:59That was an instant.
15:01You really have to think about it to the point where you nearly break your foot off.
15:06You forget what's clockwise.
15:08Ah!
15:09Did you start going up and down and not like that?
15:11Ah!
15:14You're in agony.
15:15But I couldn't do the six.
15:16I couldn't finish the six.
15:17I had to finish C.
15:18Exactly.
15:20It's a bitch, isn't it?
15:21It's really fascinating.
15:22Ah, I've got to remember that one.
15:23People say, what do you remember from QI?
15:24I don't remember that one.
15:26Even if you watch your foot.
15:28Yeah.
15:29This is...
15:30I mean, this isn't great television, what I'm doing at this point.
15:33Can you raise your foot on the desk if you want?
15:37Right.
15:38So...
15:39Glad I wore my natty socks today.
15:44Ah!
15:47It is fascinating, isn't it?
15:49I can't even remember what a six looks like!
15:55Oh, little Alan, I'm so sorry.
15:58I'm a bit of a walk, are we going around?
16:00Ah!
16:01Help me!
16:05He's trapped on the pavement.
16:08Well, you're absolutely right.
16:10It's like a Dalek on the stairs.
16:13Did you find that when you're filming Jonathan Creek or something,
16:16that sometimes you suddenly kind of forget how to walk?
16:19Because the camera's on you and you say...
16:21Ooh, do I...?
16:22How...?
16:23Do you get that or...?
16:24No.
16:25Oh.
16:26Damn you!
16:28Sorry.
16:28All right.
16:30Lizards can't breathe and walk at the same time.
16:32And our audience are even worse.
16:35Lizards have four legs, but what's got eight legs
16:37sits in the middle of a spider's web, but is not a spider.
16:42No.
16:44Joe Brand.
16:45One and a half flies.
16:47LAUGHTER
16:50Wouldn't that be nine legs?
16:52No, and the half has lost a leg.
16:56That's been eaten.
16:58In theory, that is right.
17:00If...
17:00Yes.
17:01It wouldn't...
17:02Why...?
17:02Don't you hate it when you try and help a spider
17:04and it...
17:05and it resists you,
17:07and then one leg's legs comes off.
17:09Just legs!
17:11Just get on the paper and...
17:12Ugh!
17:13And daddy's long legs, they're even worse!
17:14Yeah, they are.
17:15You think the spider could do the six and the clock-wise
17:17with his three legs?
17:18It probably can easily.
17:20Yeah, it's laughing up its sleeve at it.
17:22If they have sleeves.
17:23Eight sleeves.
17:24It's laughing up its eight sleeves.
17:25This does seem very bizarre.
17:27It sits in the middle of a web,
17:29has eight legs,
17:30looks exactly like a spider,
17:31but it isn't a spider.
17:32Is it an unlucky octopus?
17:35LAUGHTER
17:35A beached...
17:36A beached octopus!
17:38Is it some sort of predator
17:40that wants to eat spiders?
17:41Is it one of those?
17:42Actually, it's the reverse.
17:43It's a spider that wants to deter predators,
17:45so it creates a fake spider.
17:49Shut up!
17:50There.
17:50That's made of its dead skin,
17:52it's made of leaf mould,
17:54it's made of all kinds of bits and pieces.
17:55There you can see the sort of bottom
17:56of the body.
17:57You only see four of the legs there.
17:59It's already making a woman
18:00in the audience wet or something.
18:03Did someone just make that?
18:06LAUGHTER
18:06Or is that real?
18:08Spiders make them.
18:08That's the point.
18:09They make them...
18:10Is that to scale?
18:11LAUGHTER
18:13Almost in the sense
18:14that it's five times bigger
18:16than the actual spider.
18:17So the spider is quite small,
18:18it makes this enormous spider,
18:20and sometimes it lives in a pouch in the abdomen,
18:22and no-one's quite sure why.
18:24They think it may be to deter predators
18:25because it looks too big,
18:26or it may be to suggest to other spiders
18:29that you can't steal this web
18:31because it's occupied.
18:33Or...
18:33It's like a scarecrow, really, isn't it?
18:35Basically, yeah.
18:35Or turning your lights on in your house
18:37to get...
18:37It may just...
18:38be a hobby.
18:40Yes!
18:42When your life is sitting
18:45in the corner of a shed,
18:46eating flies?
18:48You've got to have something,
18:49don't you?
18:50LAUGHTER
18:50It is in the middle of the Peruvian jungle
18:52where there are not so many sheds.
18:54LAUGHTER
18:55They don't even eat them, do they?
18:56They drink them.
18:57They what?
18:57Because they wrap them up in...
18:59in their silky web,
19:01and then the prey dissolves into a fluid,
19:04and then they suck it.
19:05Yeah.
19:06When it's a liquid thing.
19:07That's good eating!
19:08Yeah!
19:09Yeah!
19:10The amazing thing is,
19:11and this is really extraordinary,
19:12is that another species of spider,
19:14altogether,
19:14as far away as you can virtually get on the planet,
19:1811,000 or so miles away,
19:20across from Peru,
19:21in the Philippines,
19:22does almost exactly the same thing,
19:24and nobody knows
19:25if that's convergent evolution,
19:26or whether it's,
19:27actually,
19:28a weird raft
19:29that manages to get all the way across
19:30that amount of world...
19:32It's just God, Stephen,
19:32it's just God.
19:33Just God!
19:35LAUGHTER
19:35LAUGHTER
19:36LAUGHTER
19:38He overlooked that possibility.
19:39Mysterious ways, mysterious ways.
19:41Very mysterious ways.
19:42LAUGHTER
19:44A giant spider that makes huge models of itself.
19:47Are those spiders to scale?
19:50LAUGHTER
19:51Because,
19:52I'm telling you now,
19:54Japan are going to be all over that, isn't they?
19:57LAUGHTER
19:58Oh, no!
19:59LAUGHTER
19:59Giant spider-oo!
20:02LAUGHTER
20:04LAUGHTER
20:05I can't notice Matt behind Anna,
20:07because it looks like...
20:08And they're the spider forecast.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:11Um,
20:12South America,
20:13large, red.
20:14LAUGHTER
20:14It's like when you're,
20:15you know when you're on a plane,
20:16and they have the map with the little plane.
20:18If you turned it on,
20:19it was that.
20:21LAUGHTER
20:22It always has such random cities on it,
20:24as well, doesn't it?
20:25It doesn't have, like,
20:25Paris, Rome...
20:26Yeah, King's Lynn.
20:27..Zenis.
20:29LAUGHTER
20:29It's very strange.
20:30I never quite understood that.
20:32Very peculiar.
20:33Anyway,
20:34Peruvian spiders make huge models of themselves
20:36and put them in the middle of their webs.
20:37Speaking of things with lots of legs,
20:39why can I never seem to catch the perfect centipede?
20:44BUZZER
20:44Yes, Jim.
20:45Is it because you're too pissed all the time?
20:48LAUGHTER
20:49Why, thank you for that.
20:51LAUGHTER
20:51Just a guess.
20:53A lucky guess.
20:55LAUGHTER
20:55They don't have a hundred legs.
20:58They don't have a hundred legs.
20:59LAUGHTER
21:00Well remembered.
21:01They don't. We had it on this show.
21:03We did.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:05But it was a long time ago.
21:10You're absolutely right,
21:11but that's not the reason we won't catch a perfect one,
21:13because you could have a perfect one that had 98 legs,
21:18because what would 98 legs mean?
21:20That it had how many pairs of legs?
21:2349.
21:2449.
21:25Why can't it have a hundred?
21:2650 pairs.
21:28Does it have to have an odd number of pairs?
21:29There is a reason.
21:30Yeah, it has to have an odd number of pairs.
21:32For some reason,
21:32all centipedes have an odd number of pairs of legs,
21:35but that's not the reason I can ever catch a perfect one,
21:38because a perfect centipede would have, say,
21:40102 legs.
21:40They're amazing.
21:41The legs are amazing.
21:41They go in a kind of wave.
21:43Yes, they do.
21:45It's not...
21:46It's not at the moment,
21:47because it's climbing in,
21:48but when it starts walking,
21:49they go in a wave.
21:50Ooh.
21:51LAUGHTER
21:52I wish they were massive.
21:53I wish they were massive,
21:54and they went down the high street.
21:55Oh, no!
21:56Oh, no!
21:57They were nice,
21:58benign and friendly.
21:59Hello, morning!
22:00LAUGHTER
22:05Like if all vickers were centipedes or something.
22:08LAUGHTER
22:10It's just a fact of life.
22:12Everyone just accepted it.
22:13Yeah.
22:13Anyway, moving on.
22:15If I caught a 102-footed centipede,
22:18that would be a perfect centipede,
22:19but I'm talking about why I can't catch a perfect one.
22:21They're elusive.
22:22They are elusive,
22:24but that would be not being able to catch one.
22:26Is it because nobody is perfect?
22:28LAUGHTER
22:30That's a lovely point.
22:32No, it's really because
22:33if you chase them,
22:34and you start to try and catch them...
22:35Their legs fall off.
22:36They, yeah,
22:37they jettison legs.
22:38They throw them at you.
22:39Well, they can.
22:40LAUGHTER
22:43LAUGHTER
22:43That's basically what they do.
22:45Exactly.
22:48LAUGHTER
22:50They do!
22:51You've got it.
22:52That's what they do.
22:54In order to distract a predator,
22:56they will jettison their legs, essentially.
22:58So it stops,
22:59their predator will go,
22:59ooh, I'll have a bit of that leg,
23:01and meanwhile they're herring off.
23:03God's weird, isn't he?
23:04He really is.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:06Strange fellow.
23:07Very strange fellow.
23:08And there are lizards
23:09that use a similar technique in Pakistan.
23:11The leopard gecko has a tail that it can shed,
23:14which will keep moving
23:15for really quite a considerable time
23:17after it's been discarded.
23:19Keep moving, you say?
23:20Yeah.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:24Yeah, that's one hot gecko.
23:26LAUGHTER
23:27It's called autotomy.
23:29There's self-amputation, if you like,
23:30but it literally will drop its tail
23:32and the tail will wiggle for half an hour
23:34after it's been separated from the parent body,
23:36which is, as you say,
23:38God is amazing.
23:39LAUGHTER
23:39Yeah, so there you go.
23:40Autotomy.
23:41And speaking of abandoned body parts,
23:44which body part, beginning with L,
23:46did Queen Victoria leave with the Empress of France?
23:49There's Queen Victoria on the left.
23:50Obviously, they're going to say labia,
23:52and that will be just...
23:52I know.
23:54LAUGHTER
23:54What are you going to say?
23:55Oh, no!
23:58APPLAUSE
24:02Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.
24:04We're off.
24:04Is it her little finger?
24:07Is it a lock of hair?
24:08Lock of hair?
24:09Lock of hair is the right answer!
24:11APPLAUSE
24:11Brilliant!
24:14But she virtually invented this sort of Victorian sentimental obsession
24:19with lots of hair.
24:20When her husband died,
24:21she obviously kept lots of Albert's hair.
24:23But she gave...
24:24They've taken the photo away,
24:25but really...
24:26I know.
24:26She looks so pissed off that her crown doesn't fit her.
24:28LAUGHTER
24:29It just looks like...
24:31Shall we go back?
24:32Yes, can't we?
24:32Have you noticed that?
24:33No, honestly.
24:34No, it's absolutely meant to be the style.
24:37LAUGHTER
24:37It doesn't fit me.
24:38Yes, yes, honestly.
24:39It's exactly as intended.
24:41LAUGHTER
24:41It does, I agree.
24:42For a child!
24:43LAUGHTER
24:46LAUGHTER
24:46Well, the Empress has got my bonnet.
24:49LAUGHTER
24:51It was.
24:52Your monocle bonnet.
24:53Yeah, exactly.
24:54Aw.
24:55You could be the Empress of France.
24:57Double vision.
24:58Yes.
24:58You think I could be the Empress of France?
25:00Easily.
25:00Let them eat cake!
25:02LAUGHTER
25:03So let's cut to what she gave.
25:04It was a bracelet made of her own hair.
25:07Mmm.
25:07That's an astonishing gift.
25:08But this was what Victorians were obsessed with.
25:11Knitting, braiding, plaiting, making things out of hair.
25:15Artists powdered hair down.
25:16Do you remember those things as a child when you would put glue,
25:19like Pritt, the non-sticky-sticky stuff on it,
25:21and then you would sprinkle glitter?
25:23Uh-huh.
25:23So, yeah, do you remember that?
25:25Copydex.
25:25Or Copydex, you could use,
25:27which smelled slightly chlorinous and...
25:29Seamen.
25:29What if you...
25:31LAUGHTER
25:36Not angry.
25:38Disappointed.
25:42Disappointed.
25:43Oh, well.
25:46So that's what artists would do.
25:47They would glue on,
25:48and then they'd sprinkle the powdered hair.
25:49So hair was a big kind of deal.
25:52Byron, Lord Byron,
25:53was considered the most handsome and extraordinary figure there.
25:55You can see a beautiful locket hanging from a hair...
25:58It's beautifully made as a braid, with gold, as you can see.
26:02And that could be made to fit into a waistcoat or something...
26:04For a man...
26:05Here you go, Lady Casterby.
26:06This watch chain is made of my pubes.
26:09Ha-ha!
26:10A male poet!
26:14Lord Byron didn't necessarily give his own hair away.
26:16It's that he was so handsome and so adored...
26:19LAUGHTER
26:20LAUGHTER
26:21That's a painting.
26:22What was wrong with his hands?
26:24It was generally agreed by all who met and knew him.
26:27He was a hugely charming...
26:29I called him to his own diaries, anyway.
26:31LAUGHTER
26:31No, no.
26:32He had...
26:33Letters were written to him...
26:34And women sent him locks of their own hair.
26:36So he used locks of his Newfoundland dog,
26:38which he sent back to the women.
26:40Which...
26:40They didn't notice.
26:42They thought it was Byron's hair.
26:43Lady Suffolk, I apologise for giving you mange with my latest gift.
26:48Meanwhile, I shall come round to your house
26:49and I shall rotate my right foot and draw a six in the air.
26:53LAUGHTER
26:53Ha-ha!
26:54Well, there's a very good reason why it's difficult for Lord Byron.
26:58Oh, of course, yes, yes.
26:59He had a dodgy foot.
27:00Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:01Despite that, he managed to achieve a great athletic feat.
27:04He swam.
27:04He swam the...
27:05Hellespont.
27:06The hellespont.
27:07You see, you know these things.
27:08You pretend to be an ignorant pig.
27:09I only went through.
27:11You pretend...
27:12You pretend...
27:14Ooh!
27:14No.
27:15I meant to say you pretend to be pig ignorant.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:25You know what I'm going to do with you?
27:27I'm going to make you run across the film.
27:28I'm going to pull all your legs and arms off.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31I don't know the other time,
27:33but didn't Lady Caroline Lamb
27:35pull out handfuls of her pubic hair
27:38and send them to Byron?
27:39Yes, and she, of course, was responsible
27:41for the most famous description of him.
27:43Yes.
27:43Mad, bad and dangerous to know.
27:45To have tea with.
27:46Oh, OK.
27:47She was a fabulous woman.
27:48There was a movie about it.
27:49I think Sarah Miles was there.
27:50Oh, that's right.
27:51Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:52Sarah Miles used to drink her own pee.
27:54Yeah.
27:54Yes, she was a urinobibe.
27:56Yep.
27:56As was the Prime Minister of India,
27:58Miraj Desai,
27:59who became Prime Minister at the age of 80.
28:01So...
28:01And he drank his pee every day.
28:03Anyway,
28:04the Empress Eugenie, her name was,
28:06and she was the wife of Napoleon III.
28:09There's Eugenie.
28:10She had a fantastic real name.
28:12Doña María Eugenia Ignacia Augustina de Palafos Porta Carrero de Guzmán y Carpatrick.
28:23That's her name.
28:24Yeah.
28:27What was very pleasing is that she was known as Carrots.
28:32Because that was her nickname at school in Bristol where she lived,
28:35and she died in Britain as well.
28:36I had no idea that we had a hipster Napoleon.
28:38Oh, yeah, yeah.
28:39He was hipster.
28:40Check him out.
28:41Yeah, he's pretty good, isn't he?
28:42Oh, can I have flat white, please?
28:47No, no, the jacket I got in this vintage place is great.
28:52Yes.
28:52Queen Victoria gave the Empress of France a bracelet made of her own hair.
28:56We move now to a less lovely Elle.
28:58Why would you put a leech on a leash?
29:02Is it a medicinal leech?
29:03It's a medicinal leech.
29:05Okay.
29:06Yeah.
29:06So, basically, there are various places you can put it.
29:08Where might you want a leech to go?
29:13They've been used for medicinal purposes for centuries.
29:16They use them in the NHS today, don't they?
29:18Yes, they do.
29:18They absolutely do.
29:19Do they?
29:20Yeah.
29:20You put them on a wound, don't you?
29:21And they eat bits that are infected or...
29:24No, that's the maggots.
29:25You put maggots on a wound.
29:26That's maggots, yeah.
29:27The leech is actually...
29:28Have I travelled back in time?
29:30No.
29:34And migraine headaches are caused by a demon living in your head.
29:40If you have a member, a reattached finger or some other member,
29:45it's kept in ice and then it's sewn back on,
29:47then it has a very good prognosis.
29:49But you can attach leeches and what it does is,
29:52it actually helps the capillaries join together and thrive.
29:55So it's like a kind of biologically active cauterizing?
29:59Yes, yeah.
30:00It's really extraordinary.
30:01Oh, I don't care.
30:02I don't want it.
30:03Doesn't it hurt?
30:03I know.
30:04It doesn't really hurt much, no, no.
30:07What do you mean?
30:07How do you know?
30:08Well, I'm told it doesn't hurt.
30:09I don't know you and your public school ways.
30:13Fry, time for a leeching.
30:15Yeah, it doesn't.
30:16Yeah, it doesn't.
30:17All right.
30:18Scrotum.
30:21Yes, sir.
30:23Get fry.
30:24It doesn't hurt as much as double...
30:27It's time for his leeching.
30:30What do you want, Scrotum?
30:31It's time for your leeching fry.
30:33It doesn't hurt as much as Dr. Stavely slamming your dick in the desk.
30:37I admit.
30:40It's...
30:40Look, I'd love to shock you.
30:42It's so sweet.
30:43Do you remember John Wayne Bobbitt?
30:46Oh, yeah.
30:47John Wayne Bobbitt.
30:48Yeah, he went to Winchester.
30:49Er...
30:50No, he doesn't.
30:50I also remember Bobbitt, who's 70s.
30:53He had his...
30:53His wife's 70s.
30:54Yeah, he cut his penis off and then threw it out the window of a moving car.
30:58Yeah.
30:58So he took some finding.
30:59But then he...
31:00They made some money out of porn films, weirdly.
31:03Yeah.
31:03He must have been rather impressed that a penis that took some finding was found.
31:08Yes.
31:09That's why they found the right one.
31:10That would have been a disaster.
31:13Stop it.
31:14Yeah.
31:16I can imagine him at the line-up.
31:20Can I say number three again?
31:23You're too used to that programme.
31:25That's just sick.
31:26Um, yeah.
31:28They were often hopped up on a leash, up the bottom, to deal with the intestinal problems.
31:33Oh, up the inside.
31:33Yeah.
31:34Or down the throat to deal with bronchial problems.
31:36Yeah, exactly.
31:37I know.
31:37Or, you could actually use them on the scrotum for strained testicles.
31:42Have you ever had strained testicles?
31:43I'd rather have leeches on my balls.
31:46I'd rather have...
31:48Just a minute.
31:49One doctor wrote...
31:50Strained testicles and custard.
31:57That's what prunes are, then.
31:59That's prunes.
32:01And as I say, these days they used to encourage capillary growth on severed members.
32:06Doctors used to put leeches on leashes to send them up patients' bottoms.
32:09Now, what did Georgian gentlemen keep in the sideboard for after dinner?
32:15Small Georgian ladies.
32:18After rights.
32:19After...
32:20Yes.
32:22Porn.
32:23After 1713.
32:25Porn.
32:26Well, actually, it was something that disgusted a French observer, and he wrote about it in
32:30a letter.
32:31So, you've got a chance here.
32:32For serious points.
32:35Oh!
32:35Oh!
32:36Alan Christie!
32:37He's done it before!
32:38Oh!
32:38There we are!
32:39Two of you, three of you.
32:40Yeah, well, you've all got to get the points, except Joe, I'm afraid.
32:42The fact is, it was chamber pots, yeah.
32:44Oh!
32:45It was Rochefoucauld.
32:46Not the famous Rochefoucauld, but another Rochefoucauld, Francois de la Rochefoucauld,
32:50who wrote in his diary, the sideboard...
32:53This was in Suffolk in 1784.
32:55The sideboard is garnished also with chamber pots in line with the common practice of going
33:00over to the sideboard to pee while the others are drinking.
33:03Nothing is hidden.
33:04I find that very indecent.
33:06Chamber pots lasted, of course, well into the 20th century, because there were many,
33:10many households that weren't on main supplies.
33:12Many of them, of course...
33:13They had a WC.
33:13Yeah, exactly.
33:14They had outdoor dos, and they put pot to chamber pot under the bed.
33:17And chamber pots weren't, I won't say exactly witty, but they had things written on them
33:22which are quite surprising, really, thinking of the previous age where you imagine people
33:25were rather more prudish.
33:27Look at these.
33:29Use me well and keep me clean, and I'll not tell what I have seen.
33:34So you pooed onto an eye, or you peed onto an eye.
33:38And there was some during the Second World War that had a picture of Hitler, so you could
33:41poo on Hitler's face.
33:43Quite sort of pleasing in a way.
33:44That's your chamber pot.
33:46Now it's time to dip the crouton of confidence into the all-melting fondue of general ignorance.
33:52What kind of wine goes best with a human liver?
33:56Oh, a Chianti.
33:59Whoa!
34:04That's what Hannibal Lecter says.
34:07That's what he says in?
34:08In Silence of the Lambs.
34:09The father beans.
34:10He says, what are father beans to?
34:13Little white beans, aren't they?
34:14To reclaim your, what would we call them in England?
34:16Buffer beans?
34:18Broad beans?
34:19Broad beans?
34:19Broad beans, yeah.
34:19You get a few points back from the massive deficit that you've already had.
34:23Yeah, it's in the novel.
34:24Who wrote the novels involved?
34:26Thomas Harris.
34:27Thomas Harris is right.
34:29He, being rather sort of smart and giving Hannibal Lecter good taste, knew that something
34:34fatty and greasy like a liver is not complemented well by a Chianti.
34:38He knew that it was best accompanied by something a little more full-bodied.
34:42Something like, for instance, an Amarone, which is what is in the novel, which is a sort
34:47of Valpolicella type wine and that is...
34:51Why did they change it, Stephen?
34:53Because they felt most people hadn't heard of an Amarone and they might think it was
34:56some sort of biscuit or something.
34:58Quite correct.
34:59Like an Amaretto.
35:00Yes, like an Amaretto, exactly.
35:02What, Hollywood dumbing something down?
35:04I know, it's hard to believe, isn't it?
35:06What?
35:06The S.
35:08White wine would meet earth.
35:11But why would it have been a rather disastrous decision to eat a human ever anyway?
35:15Toxic.
35:15Yes, they are toxic.
35:16Do you know what the toxin is?
35:18No.
35:19Is it vitamin something?
35:21Vitamin E?
35:22Actually, A.
35:23A.
35:23Yeah, a lot of vitamins can't be stored, as you know.
35:25Vitamin C, you just pee out the residue so the idea of taking these 5,000 milligrams a day
35:30is just...
35:30That's why you have brought yellow wee.
35:32Pointless, exactly.
35:33You're giving the rats the vitamins.
35:34You're giving the rats the vitamins precisely.
35:36They will grow more and more immune and stronger and better.
35:41Why they'll be as powerful as the Prime Minister of India.
35:47I'm recycling!
35:50But, yeah, the liver stores vitamin A, which in excess can be quite dangerous.
35:56Livers can regenerate themselves.
35:58Do you know that?
35:59Yes.
35:59Like Doctor Who.
36:00Like Doctor Who, yeah.
36:03There's the liver drawn by...
36:05Da Vinci.
36:06Yeah, Leonardo.
36:07And you can see there his famous mirror writing, which is astonishing.
36:10I mean, I know the drawings are amazing enough, but as a boy I tried using a mirror to write
36:14mirror writing.
36:15It's just...
36:16I mean, you think drawing a six with your hand and doing a...
36:19So why did he do that?
36:20No one's quite sure why he wanted it to be secret, but he did.
36:24For Dan Brown?
36:26Yes.
36:28For the one who wants to...
36:35There's secrets in the Vatican, Josh.
36:37Let's go find them.
36:40I'm genuinely uncomfortable in this situation.
36:44If you use those goggles, you can see the map.
36:48The amazing thing is, the magical things about livers is, if you take a small liver from
36:53a small dog and you transplant it into a large dog, the small liver will grow to the
36:57size it would have been in the bigger dog, which is extraordinary.
37:01Yes.
37:02You see, I often run out of things to do with the children at weekends.
37:07Now you know.
37:08We're going to try that.
37:10Yeah.
37:11Now, also, you know a fantastic slang word.
37:14Yeah.
37:15And it's a liver disturber.
37:16And it's American 19th century slang for?
37:19An alcoholic?
37:20No.
37:21A huge dong.
37:24A huge dong?
37:25Yeah.
37:25A liver disturber.
37:26Oh!
37:29Oh!
37:30We think...
37:30Exactly.
37:32We think we're sick.
37:34These are Victorian Americans.
37:36I got a tanful troubler.
37:38Oh!
37:38We think...
37:44Have you heard the prank call?
37:46A guy phones out at the pizza place and he goes, do you deliver?
37:50Oh, no.
37:52And he says, yes, we deliver.
37:53And he goes, all right, I'll have liver, cheese, onion, olives.
37:57We don't have any liver.
37:59Do you deliver?
38:02Yes, we deliver.
38:03Right.
38:04I'll have liver.
38:08Oh, that is so good.
38:09And very likely on the interweb.
38:11It's very fun.
38:12Excellent.
38:12I'll look it up.
38:13Now, who sat in the middle of the Last Supper?
38:16Jesus.
38:17Jesus.
38:18Oh.
38:20No matter how you pronounce it.
38:22It wasn't he.
38:25Judas.
38:26Nor was it Judas, the traitor.
38:31No one.
38:32Nor was it Peter.
38:33No one is the right answer.
38:35No one's in the middle.
38:35No, it's not that no one was in the middle.
38:37It's that no one sat.
38:39Oh, shut up.
38:41They're all standing.
38:44No, no.
38:45Shut up.
38:47Shut up.
38:47Shut up.
38:50Shut up.
38:53Shut up.
38:54Shut up.
38:56Shut up.
38:57Shut up.
38:58Shut up.
38:58Stop it now.
38:59Stop it now.
39:00The thing is that in Palestine, which is a Roman province, they're like Romans.
39:05They lay on their stomachs like Romans.
39:06That can't be good for digestion, can it?
39:08No, you do not.
39:09But we know that's the way they act, more or less, because in the Bible, now there was
39:14one leaning on Jesus' bosom, one of his disciples whom Jesus loved.
39:18And, you know, you kind of see how that would have worked.
39:20That's how they lay to eat.
39:22Rather pleasing.
39:23Very odd though.
39:25A bit odd to us, because we don't do that.
39:27Even in a picnic, you wouldn't really want to be lying on your front.
39:29I agree.
39:30No.
39:30I don't like it.
39:32I mean, I can't even, you know, hot chocolate in bed.
39:34I have to sit up in order to swallow it.
39:37There's nothing that is nothing that is anything other than straightforward.
39:41We were just immediately thinking of the man who sang Brother Louie in the 70s.
39:46That's what we were thinking.
39:49I believe in miracles.
39:51Oh!
39:52That's the thing.
39:52I could sit up now.
39:57Lordy, lordy bless.
39:59Now, nobody sat anywhere at the last supper.
40:01Everyone was lying down.
40:02Well.
40:03Now, who's in charge of all the ants?
40:07Adam.
40:10Very good.
40:17We were there before you, I'm afraid.
40:19Is it a queen?
40:20A queen ant, of course.
40:22That's going to get a klaxon as well.
40:27Is it something like the weather on the timer or something like that?
40:30Well, the weather probably is as good an answer as any.
40:33The fact is they are a self-organizing colony.
40:36There is no leader.
40:37But there's the queen.
40:39All the queen does is lay thousands and thousands and thousands of eggs in her life and then dies
40:44of exhaustion.
40:45And the ants just get on with being ants and there are just signals sent between each one
40:48that somehow sort of ripple outwards into what appears to be organization.
40:53But it's a bit like flocks of starlings or shoals of mackerel that have this incredible sort,
40:59you think, well, what's the intelligence behind this?
41:01It's like the tartan army.
41:06No one knows how they do it, but they do it.
41:07They somehow do it, exactly.
41:09The way at a football match a champ will grow and then suddenly die.
41:13You think, who's organizing that?
41:15And no one is.
41:16It's just a sort of feature of large groups.
41:18It's very odd.
41:19And that's true of ants who are, you know, and...
41:22They love football, don't they?
41:23And termites.
41:23They love football.
41:24They do indeed.
41:25North ants in particular.
41:33It seems there's no one in charge of the ants, but there is someone in charge of the scores.
41:37And that's me or I.
41:39Okay.
41:40And it's very interesting, because in first place, with a positive integer, one point, Phil
41:46Jupitus.
41:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:52On minus six, in second place, Joe Brand.
41:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:02Highly respectable.
42:04For him, it's a triumph.
42:06For minus 26, Alan Davies.
42:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:12Now, looking here, on minus 30, Josh Winnicott!
42:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:23And so it's thanks and goodnight from Josh, Phil, Joe, Alan and me.
42:27And we leave you with some last words.
42:29The last words of American murderer James Allen, Red Dog, executed in 1993.
42:34I'd like to thank my family and friends, Mr. Pankofsky, for supporting me, and all the
42:40others who treated me with kindness.
42:42For the rest of you, y'all can kiss my ass.
42:46Goodnight.
42:46I know it's all.
42:46Thank you, Mr. Pankofsky.
42:46That's what the Edilbermans said.
42:47For the rest of you, I don't know what I'm like too long, my friends.
42:47I know.
42:47I know.
42:47I know that the things in my family to look here.
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