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00:00:30And since I am strongly of the opinion that we are already providing more than enough entertainment for visitors,
00:00:38I wish to propose the motion that the provision of more would be detrimental to the good name of the
00:00:45borough.
00:00:46Knickers.
00:00:47Please, councillor. I should strike that for in the minutes, mistress.
00:00:51I beg upon you, my ship.
00:00:53Don't take down knickers.
00:00:55Chance would be a fine thing, wouldn't it, love?
00:00:57Councillor Fiddler, I really must request you to moderate your language when in committee.
00:01:03I second that.
00:01:04I do beg the committee's pardon, Your Worship,
00:01:07but all this bleeding codswallop about mucking up the good name of the borough gets on my wick.
00:01:11Should I?
00:01:13No, no, no.
00:01:14Oh, God, blimey, why don't we face facts?
00:01:17We don't attract any visitors to this dump because there is nothing for them to flip and will do.
00:01:21Of course, we are all well aware that Mr. Fiddler would like to see more people in that so-called
00:01:27amusement arcade of his,
00:01:29playing on those dreadful machines.
00:01:31You're dead right.
00:01:32Do you know how much what the button saw took last season?
00:01:35One pound sixty.
00:01:36That works out about two pence a grope.
00:01:38Yes, please.
00:01:39I really do feel that we are somewhat straying from the point here.
00:01:43But that is the point.
00:01:45It's about the only indoor amusement we have, apart from snogging under the bandstand.
00:01:48I do feel that, you know, that Councillor Fiddler does have a point there,
00:01:52you know, considering our very high seasonal rainfall figure.
00:01:56Oh, really, Mr. Mayor?
00:01:58Personally, I think it is quite an average one.
00:02:01If you think nine inches is an average one, you've been spoiled.
00:02:06Yes, yes, yes, no, no.
00:02:07Is anyone else any useful suggestions to offer?
00:02:10I have.
00:02:11And what is that, Councillor?
00:02:12Miss Furcombe.
00:02:14Oh, I'm bringing a pardon.
00:02:16Miss Furcombe, a beauty queen.
00:02:18That's what we want.
00:02:19All the best resorts have them.
00:02:21Mr. Mayor, I think we have wasted quite enough time here today,
00:02:24and I propose that you close the meeting.
00:02:27Please, Mrs. Prodworthy, please.
00:02:30I do feel that the proposal merits some discussion, you know.
00:02:35Mr. Mayor, you are well aware of my views on women's rights,
00:02:39and there can never be anything proper
00:02:42in young women being shown off like cattle
00:02:44for the sexual gratification of a lot of drooling men.
00:02:49Bowls.
00:02:50I beg your pardon, Alderman Pratt?
00:02:52A bowls competition.
00:02:53That's what we need.
00:02:55Poor old Pratt.
00:02:56He really will have to go.
00:02:59And so will I.
00:03:00We've heard quite enough rubbish spoken here today.
00:03:02Oh, but we still wish to hear yours, Mrs. Prodworthy.
00:03:07Your views, I mean.
00:03:09I think I have made myself perfectly clear.
00:03:12And as far as I am concerned, the matter is closed.
00:03:15Good morning.
00:03:16Oh, dear, dear, dear.
00:03:19I'm afraid that's that, then.
00:03:20Oh, no, it isn't.
00:03:21We're still in committee.
00:03:22I propose we put it to the vote.
00:03:23What?
00:03:25Without Mrs. Prodworthy?
00:03:27We've still got a quorum.
00:03:30Yes.
00:03:32You're all right, then.
00:03:34All those in favour of the motion to hold a beauty contest?
00:03:40One only.
00:03:42How about you?
00:03:43You were all for it a moment ago.
00:03:45Very well, then.
00:03:47All those against?
00:03:50Two also.
00:03:52I'm afraid we still haven't a majority, councillor.
00:03:54Hang on.
00:03:55Just a minute.
00:03:56Boys.
00:03:58You're all for it, aren't you?
00:03:59Yes.
00:04:00Every time.
00:04:02Carried.
00:04:04Morning, madam.
00:04:05Good morning, Neil.
00:04:09Miss Jukes?
00:04:11Ah.
00:04:11Yes, sir.
00:04:13No!
00:04:13Here, let me give you a hand, Miss Jukes.
00:04:15Oh, thank you, William.
00:04:16It's been a...
00:04:17I pulled!
00:04:20Down.
00:04:21One, two, three.
00:04:22Oh!
00:04:29Oh!
00:04:29Oh!
00:04:30Oh!
00:04:31Yes, thank you.
00:04:32It was just a touch of the...
00:04:34I generally go at this time of the...
00:04:35Well, yes, it's the sea air.
00:04:39Yes.
00:04:41Hello, Mrs. Jukes.
00:04:42I thought you were going to the cinema.
00:04:43I did, but I had to leave.
00:04:45A young man sat next to me and started to make improper suggestions.
00:04:48Again?
00:04:49Really?
00:04:49You should complain to the manager, you know.
00:04:51I can't.
00:04:51He's after me, too, you see.
00:04:53Well, Mrs. Jukes, perhaps you shouldn't make yourself look quite so attractive.
00:04:56Oh, it's not that.
00:04:56I can't help it.
00:04:57I give out waves, you know.
00:05:00Really?
00:05:00Yes, my late husband used to call it oomph.
00:05:09William?
00:05:11Have you seen Mr. Fiddler?
00:05:12Uh, yes.
00:05:13Not a bad photo, considering.
00:05:15No, I don't mean this.
00:05:16I mean, has he been in?
00:05:17Uh, ah, ah.
00:05:19Yes.
00:05:20It was last Tuesday.
00:05:22Has he been in today?
00:05:24Today?
00:05:24Uh, just do some more now.
00:05:26Let me see.
00:05:27Never mind, William.
00:05:28If you do see him, would you mind telling him I'd like to see him right away?
00:05:31Yes.
00:05:32Uh, what shall I tell him if I don't see him?
00:05:36Nothing, William.
00:05:37Nothing.
00:05:39Yes, I'll try and remember that, Mrs. Fiddler Potts.
00:05:42Is the Admiral all right?
00:05:44Uh, yes, I think so.
00:05:46Of course, he's quite old, you know.
00:05:49He's not as fit as some of us.
00:05:50He's too...
00:05:51What are you?
00:05:52Huh.
00:05:54Huh.
00:06:09We don't need your recommendations, do you?
00:06:11Go on.
00:06:12Pop it.
00:06:17Oh, blimey, it's all happening, isn't it?
00:06:21Oh, yes.
00:06:22I'll get him in a second.
00:06:23I am the greatest.
00:06:24Oh, I don't know, pardon.
00:06:26I thought I was back in the game, then.
00:06:28Willie, I want you to get me a nice double room with hot and cold running chambermates.
00:06:32Yes.
00:06:33Hey.
00:06:35Yeah, does that mean that you and Mrs. Fiddler Potts are going to do it, then?
00:06:37Don't be filthy.
00:06:38No, no, no, I didn't mean that.
00:06:39I mean, get hitched.
00:06:40Oh, no, I wouldn't say that.
00:06:41We're just good friends.
00:06:43Oh.
00:06:44Well, I wouldn't bank on that for the minute if I were you, Mr. Fiddler.
00:06:47Oh, it's like that, is it?
00:06:49Yes.
00:06:49Oh, ah, now, glad you're reminding me.
00:06:51Uh, uh, Mrs. Fiddler Potts said to tell you, um, dear, no, I must get this right.
00:06:55It's all right.
00:06:56Take your time.
00:06:56I've got all night.
00:06:57Uh, no, that wasn't it.
00:06:59Yes, it was.
00:06:59No, no.
00:07:00No, no, no, it wasn't.
00:07:01Oh, dearie me.
00:07:02Huh.
00:07:02It's on the tip of me tongue.
00:07:03Your finger.
00:07:04My finger.
00:07:05Yes.
00:07:05Hey, you don't.
00:07:07No, that wasn't it.
00:07:08While you're thinking, get that number for me, will you?
00:07:11Uh, yes, I'll remember it.
00:07:13I'll get this number for you while I'm waiting.
00:07:15Yes.
00:07:16I'll, um, hear you.
00:07:23All right, all right, I'll do it myself.
00:07:25Good.
00:07:26I'm all you do.
00:07:26I'm all doing your best, I'm so on.
00:07:29Give me that thing.
00:07:30Come, have it with you.
00:07:31Off.
00:07:32Right, give me the book.
00:07:3701754 3230.
00:07:42Potter Publicity Bureau, to who do you wish to speak?
00:07:44Oh, hello, Paula.
00:07:45Sid here.
00:07:45Sid Fiddler.
00:07:46How are you?
00:07:47Oh, very well, thank you.
00:07:48You haven't changed.
00:07:49Peter there?
00:07:50It's that terrible man, Sidney Fiddler.
00:07:52You don't want to talk to him, do you?
00:07:54I'd better.
00:07:54You know what he's like.
00:07:55He may have something for me.
00:07:56If it's anything like the last time, you'll need bailing out.
00:07:59Don't worry.
00:08:00I can handle him.
00:08:02Hello, Sid.
00:08:03Hello, Pete.
00:08:03How's business?
00:08:04Great, great.
00:08:05I've got a job here you'd love to get your teeth into, right up your alley.
00:08:08What is it?
00:08:09He's got a job for me.
00:08:10I can imagine.
00:08:11I want you to do the publicity for a beauty contest we've got down here in Fircum.
00:08:15Beauty contest?
00:08:16What, you mean girls?
00:08:17I don't mean budger-y-gars.
00:08:19Oh, I don't know.
00:08:21I don't think Paula'd like me getting mixed up with a lot of girls.
00:08:24Why not?
00:08:25Well, we're engaged.
00:08:26And you know how jealous Paula can be.
00:08:28Just think of all those lovely 38s and 40s, bobbling up and down.
00:08:32I am.
00:08:36Sounds an interesting assignment, Sid.
00:08:38Putting Fircum on the map.
00:08:40Writing about local trade figures and that sort of thing.
00:08:43Oh, she's come back into the office, has she?
00:08:45What's the job worth?
00:08:47One hundred.
00:08:47In round figures.
00:08:49And there'll be plenty of those, I promise you.
00:08:51One hundred?
00:08:52That's right.
00:08:53Could be more.
00:08:53I'm on the council.
00:08:54I think I'd better come down, Sid.
00:08:56That's my boy.
00:08:57And don't take any of that old guff from Paula.
00:08:59If she doesn't like it, tell her she can lump it.
00:09:01That's the way to deal with women.
00:09:03Treat them rough.
00:09:09Hello, sweetheart.
00:09:10I didn't see you there.
00:09:11Obviously.
00:09:12I'd like to see you, Sidney.
00:09:13Right away.
00:09:16Hey.
00:09:17Ah.
00:09:18That's it.
00:09:19Mrs. Philpots wants to see you right away.
00:09:21Thank you, Willie.
00:09:22Yes.
00:09:23I knew I'd get it.
00:09:25And how's my favourite little hotel keeper today?
00:09:28Hungry.
00:09:29Very hungry.
00:09:30So would I be if I had to eat here.
00:09:31But I haven't eaten.
00:09:32You want to diet again?
00:09:33No.
00:09:34You had asked me out to lunch.
00:09:35Oh.
00:09:36Lovely.
00:09:36So I did.
00:09:37I'm sorry, love.
00:09:38I've had a very busy day.
00:09:39I've been in it right up to here.
00:09:41So I see.
00:09:43That's it.
00:09:44Great idea, isn't it?
00:09:45Oh, for you, I'm sure it is.
00:09:47No, no, no.
00:09:48I did it mainly for you, darling.
00:09:49For me?
00:09:50Oh, really?
00:09:50Well, you've got a hotel, haven't you?
00:09:52Just think of all the people that this is going to bring into the town.
00:09:55You'll be packed out.
00:09:56And you'll have the beauty contestants staying here for a start.
00:09:58Oh, yes, of course.
00:09:59I hadn't thought of that.
00:10:00Now, that was very clever of you, Sidney.
00:10:02You know me, love.
00:10:03Anything for you.
00:10:04Anything but marriage.
00:10:06Yes.
00:10:06Well, as I was saying, you'll have at least a dozen of the beauty queens staying here for a start.
00:10:10At the usual rate.
00:10:11You can't charge the contestants, can you?
00:10:14Why not?
00:10:15Well, they're the bait, aren't they?
00:10:17Hey, when people hear about all these lovely-looking dolly birds staying here,
00:10:20they're going to be queuing up for your rooms, aren't they?
00:10:22I don't doubt that.
00:10:24But I am not going to have anything going on here that might upset my regulars.
00:10:28Don't worry about it.
00:10:29I've fixed that.
00:10:30There'll be a full-time chaperone here, day and night.
00:10:33Well, that is better.
00:10:35Who?
00:10:36Well, it wasn't easy, but we've got it down to a short list of possibles.
00:10:39Yes.
00:10:39We had to find people that would not take advantage of the situation.
00:10:42Yes.
00:10:43Somebody honest, dependable, with strict morals.
00:10:46And?
00:10:46They talked me into it.
00:10:47I knew it.
00:10:48No, no, just a minute.
00:10:49Chaperone?
00:10:50You're a bunch of beauty queens.
00:10:51It's like asking Dracula to be in charge of a blood bank.
00:10:54No, no, no.
00:10:54Wait a minute, Donna.
00:10:55That's not true.
00:10:56You know I don't go for beautiful women.
00:10:57I like you.
00:10:58That does it.
00:10:59Get out.
00:10:59Go on.
00:10:59All right, I'm going.
00:11:00You lecherous son of them.
00:11:01Get out.
00:11:13Really, Mother, I don't see why I have to come to.
00:11:15You haven't come to since the day you were born.
00:11:20Look, you were there when he gave out this statement, weren't you?
00:11:24Yes, but...
00:11:24You even took this photograph of the revolting man.
00:11:27Yes, ma'am.
00:11:27Well, I want you here as a witness to what the mayor says.
00:11:30She's still underweighted.
00:11:34She's not heaving to, sir.
00:11:36Very well, Mr. Christian.
00:11:38Fire a shot across her bouse.
00:11:40Fire, sir.
00:11:41Oh, come along.
00:11:42Answer the door.
00:11:44All right, I'm coming.
00:11:52Sorry if I kept you waiting.
00:11:54I was in the lab, you see.
00:11:57Mrs. Bumble, I wish to speak to your husband immediately.
00:12:00Well, you'd better come in, then.
00:12:05Honey, I've only got to go to the lab and someone starts knocking at the door.
00:12:08It's almost as if they knew.
00:12:10My dear, I must admit, I do go rather a lot.
00:12:13Well, I'm not here to take a census on toilet habits, Mrs. Bumble.
00:12:16Please take me to your husband.
00:12:18Oh, I couldn't disturb him now, dear.
00:12:20He's upstairs.
00:12:20Well, I damn well can.
00:12:22Very well, Mr. Christian.
00:12:25Stand by to ram and board her.
00:12:29You've seen this, I presume?
00:12:31Yes, but you have no right to be in here, Mrs. Pratworthy.
00:12:35Never mind that.
00:12:36Do you mean to tell me that in my absence, the committee actually approved this disgusting idea?
00:12:41Mrs. Pratworthy, I hardly think that this is the time or the place to discuss matters.
00:12:46Oh, poppycock, I've seen men naked before, you know.
00:12:49Damn it, I've buried three husbands.
00:12:51I'm not surprised to hear it.
00:12:53Excuse us, sir.
00:12:55Come along, Mother, please.
00:12:56Oh, now, you shut up.
00:12:57Come along.
00:12:57I want a straight answer.
00:12:58Was it or was it not approved?
00:13:00Mrs. Pratworthy, I refuse to discuss this with you in my bath.
00:13:03I am not in your bath, thank goodness.
00:13:05Now, was it or wasn't it?
00:13:06Yes, it was, but the...
00:13:07Right.
00:13:08Then I must warn you that I mean to fight it to the bitter end.
00:13:11Mrs. Pratworthy, I have a civic duty to support any project...
00:13:16Oh, fiddlesticks.
00:13:17You are a weak-kneed ass.
00:13:19And as far as I can see, you are as poorly equipped to carry out your civic duties as your
00:13:25domestic ones.
00:13:30That's what the job's all about.
00:13:31I still don't see why you have to stay down there.
00:13:33I've already told you, darling, they need some on-the-spot publicity now.
00:13:37I've done all I can at this end. Surely you can understand that.
00:13:39No, but I might do if you stop being so darn secretive and tell me what the job's really about.
00:13:43It's a publicity campaign, that's all.
00:13:44Well, to publicize what?
00:13:46Perkham.
00:13:47They're having a sort of competition to go with it.
00:13:49Oh, like spot the boobs.
00:13:51What?
00:13:52What made you say that?
00:13:52Well, like the one you wanted to do while spotting the deliberate mistakes on the cornflake packets.
00:13:57Oh, yes.
00:13:57Well, not quite like that.
00:13:58It's to encourage people to come to Perkham.
00:14:00Well, you haven't exactly encouraged me to.
00:14:02Well, I couldn't trust myself to ask you to come with me.
00:14:05I'd only burst into your bedroom and try to make love to you or something.
00:14:07You know I wouldn't let that happen.
00:14:09Exactly.
00:14:09That's why I didn't.
00:14:10Didn't want the temptation.
00:14:12Anyway, I'd lose my job, and if that happened, I couldn't afford to marry you.
00:14:15Excuse me.
00:14:16Are you going to Perkham?
00:14:18This train's going there, yes.
00:14:20Oh, good.
00:14:22Do you know that girl?
00:14:23No.
00:14:24Funny, she's going to Perkham, too.
00:14:26Well, a lot of people must live there.
00:14:27Are we all right for Perkham?
00:14:29I'm sure you are.
00:14:30Thanks.
00:14:33I'm beginning to understand why you don't want me down there.
00:14:36Oh, don't be ridiculous, darling.
00:14:37You're the only girl in my life.
00:14:38You know that.
00:14:41Excuse me.
00:14:42Is this the train for the beauty contact?
00:14:44Yes, that's right.
00:14:45Oh, good.
00:14:46Are you coming?
00:14:46Certainly not.
00:14:48Perhaps you're right.
00:14:50Are you in this one?
00:14:51Yes, that's right.
00:14:51I am.
00:14:52Oh, I'll join you, then.
00:14:55You didn't tell me anything about a beauty contest.
00:14:58I think I'd better go.
00:15:00Excuse me.
00:15:06Well, goodbye, darling.
00:15:08I'll be back as soon as I can.
00:15:10Now.
00:15:13Oh, why did you wait until we're in the tunnel?
00:15:17I thought I was.
00:15:18Sorry.
00:15:21Sorry, darling.
00:15:23Kiss.
00:15:32I'll take bust any time.
00:15:34Bust any time.
00:15:39I distinctly remember seeing them soaking in the bathroom last night and in the morning
00:15:42they were gone.
00:15:43Well, really, Mrs. Dukes, I cannot believe that one of these young ladies would deliberately
00:15:46take your knickers.
00:16:15Well, I'll make inquiries.
00:16:17Of course, what were they like?
00:16:18Red sandalette.
00:16:20Reinforced.
00:16:21Yes, I see.
00:16:22Well, I'm sure they must turn up.
00:16:23Oh, they can't do that.
00:16:24They've got elastic at the bottom.
00:16:26How chic.
00:16:27Well, I'm sure they'll be fine, Mrs. Dukes.
00:16:28Well, I certainly hope so, because I don't feel at all safe walking about this town without
00:16:32any.
00:16:33Perhaps I can help, Mrs. Dukes.
00:16:35Over, Admiral.
00:16:36Come outside, ma'am.
00:16:37I've got something to show you.
00:16:40Come.
00:16:41What do you mean?
00:16:42Where?
00:16:42All will be revealed, madam.
00:16:45Across the promenade there.
00:16:47Look.
00:16:47Bling!
00:16:50Oh!
00:16:54Yes, well, I've got to check all your measurements, haven't I?
00:16:56I've never had it before.
00:16:57Never mind.
00:16:58The experience will do you good.
00:16:59Sydney, I'd like a word with you.
00:17:00Yes, love?
00:17:01What is it?
00:17:01It's about these complaints.
00:17:03Complaints?
00:17:03I'm not complaining.
00:17:04Everything's going fine.
00:17:05Oh, yes.
00:17:06Yes, I can see that.
00:17:07Yes.
00:17:07Well, you run along.
00:17:08We'll finish off later.
00:17:08Finish what off?
00:17:09You've measured everything I've got.
00:17:12Yes.
00:17:12Off you go.
00:17:14You're always kidding, that one.
00:17:16What's the trouble?
00:17:17It's my permanent residence I am worried about.
00:17:19All this running about the corridors in and out of each other's bedrooms, it's simply not
00:17:23good enough.
00:17:23You're dead right.
00:17:24At their age, they ought to know better.
00:17:25It's your girls I'm talking about.
00:17:28I've heard them all night long, doors banging.
00:17:30Oh, blimey, Cone.
00:17:31When you get a bunch of young dollies, you've got to expect a bit of banging.
00:17:34Well, I expect you to get them all into bed at a reasonable hour.
00:17:38I promise you, I'll do my very best.
00:17:41Mr. Fiddler, what about these photos?
00:17:42I haven't got all day, you know.
00:17:43Excuse me, love.
00:17:44Business.
00:17:45I'm just waiting for my publicity mandate, Anna.
00:17:47Yes, I know, but I'm supposed to be covering the mayor's opening this afternoon.
00:17:50You do get some unpleasant jobs, don't you?
00:17:52He's opening a new municipal building at four o'clock.
00:17:59Thank you, ladies, and...
00:18:03And what about the ladies, may I ask?
00:18:06What?
00:18:07What was that?
00:18:08Why, Mr. Mayor, is there provision only for gentlemen in this monument to natural and
00:18:13universal functions?
00:18:14Yeah.
00:18:15Because it was specifically designed for use by the male sex as approved in council last
00:18:21September.
00:18:21I see.
00:18:22So the ladies must wait, is that it?
00:18:24Mrs. Prodworthy, I do feel that the place for protest is in the chamber.
00:18:29I did protest in the chamber, Mr. Mayor, and most strongly.
00:18:34And I still insist on knowing why this place could not have been for the use of both sexes.
00:18:39Because it's for men.
00:18:40We can't have them all using the same one.
00:18:43Perhaps the mayor would care to explain why we can't all use the same one.
00:18:47Yes.
00:18:48Well, no.
00:18:49Why can't we all do it?
00:18:52Ah, yes, yes.
00:18:54Because the fittings are different for one thing.
00:18:56We all have only one thing, Mr. Mayor.
00:19:01Mrs. Prodworthy, you are deliberately misunderstanding me.
00:19:06What I am trying to say...
00:19:08I know what you are trying to say.
00:19:10You are trying to say that women are inferior.
00:19:15Yes.
00:19:16No, no, please.
00:19:17I put it to you that this is one more example of this council's policy to deliberately demean
00:19:23and debase womanhood.
00:19:25Yes.
00:19:26A policy which was brought to a head recently when, in my absence, they passed this disgraceful
00:19:33resolution to hold a beauty contest here.
00:19:36Yes.
00:19:36I want every male here to know that the women of Fircoom are determined to stop this degrading
00:19:43spectacle.
00:19:44And until it is called off, we will squat in this erection to man's so-called superiority.
00:19:52Yes.
00:19:53No, Mrs. Prodworthy, please.
00:19:55Forward, liberators of Fircoom.
00:19:58Forward.
00:20:00You must have not...
00:20:01Please, please.
00:20:02This is not right.
00:20:03Yes.
00:20:06Come on, girls.
00:20:07Go and get changed for photos back in 15 minutes.
00:20:13What do you want us to wear?
00:20:15Oh, anything that will bring out your best points, Miss...
00:20:17Downs.
00:20:18I do Downs.
00:20:19I'll bet you come from Beds.
00:20:21No.
00:20:22Bristol.
00:20:22I should have guessed.
00:20:24Oh, I've got a rather smashing two-piece swimsuit.
00:20:26Great.
00:20:27Just wear one piece of that.
00:20:28Well, they publish pictures like that.
00:20:30Oh, not in my paper.
00:20:32It's all right, darling.
00:20:32I was only joking.
00:20:33You go and get them both on.
00:20:34Go on.
00:20:35Get your gear ready.
00:20:36Time.
00:20:37How's it going, love?
00:20:38Wonderful.
00:20:39Since all this started, I've let ten rooms.
00:20:41All for you.
00:20:42For nothing.
00:20:43Oh, you wait till old Pete gets that publicity really rolling.
00:20:46The contest is in ten days.
00:20:48Yeah, well, you've still got your permanent residence.
00:20:50Yes, and I've got any left.
00:20:51Oh!
00:20:51Oh!
00:20:52Oh!
00:20:53You're a dirty old man.
00:20:56Uh, uh, uh, Mrs. Philpots.
00:20:58I wish to complain.
00:21:00This young woman molested me.
00:21:02Well, I like that.
00:21:03Whether you like it or not, my dear, it's quite immaterial.
00:21:05No, it pish, my body.
00:21:06Yes, it's all right, darling.
00:21:07Don't worry about it.
00:21:08I'll sort it out.
00:21:11Cheeky little thing.
00:21:12I'd like to put her across me knee.
00:21:14I'm sure you would, Admiral.
00:21:15Yes, my job.
00:21:17What?
00:21:17Mrs. Philpots, are you suggesting that, damn it, for two pins, I move out of here?
00:21:23Good afternoon, sir.
00:21:24Can I help you?
00:21:25Yes.
00:21:25Have you got any rooms, please?
00:21:27Certainly, sir.
00:21:28Our terms are seven pounds a day or 40 pounds a week all in.
00:21:31Uh, yeah, Mr. Fiddler said it had all been arranged.
00:21:34You see, we're in the beauty contest.
00:21:37Yes, sir, so I see.
00:21:39Oh, well.
00:21:40In that case, take your pick.
00:21:41Take the lot.
00:21:42Go on.
00:21:42Move on.
00:21:43I'm in.
00:21:44Be my guest room with a view and all that sort of thing, yes.
00:21:47Right, then, have a good time.
00:21:49Pete, we're waiting for you.
00:21:50The photographer's here.
00:21:51Where the hell have you been?
00:21:52I'm sorry.
00:21:53The train was late.
00:21:54Some trouble on the line.
00:21:55Double?
00:21:55What these two?
00:21:56You're joking.
00:21:57Oh, this is Miss Banger.
00:21:59Really?
00:22:00How do you do?
00:22:01And this is Miss Brakes.
00:22:02Dawn Brakes.
00:22:03Dawn.
00:22:04My favorite time for getting up.
00:22:05I was Miss Dairy Queen, you know.
00:22:07You still are in my book, darling.
00:22:09Here, Sid, are there any rooms for us?
00:22:11The woman behind the desk went all peculiar when I asked.
00:22:14They threw these at us.
00:22:15Yeah, well, she's a bit overwhelmed.
00:22:16They haven't done this kind of business since Mafeking.
00:22:17Here we are.
00:22:19Protocol in 10 minutes.
00:22:20Right?
00:22:22Oh, God blimey.
00:22:23Not again.
00:22:37I want you to come over the promenade with me.
00:22:40Yes.
00:22:42Why?
00:22:43Well, I want you to take my knickers down.
00:22:46Pardon?
00:22:47Well, they're on the pool over there.
00:22:50Oh, oh, I see.
00:22:52Yes, well, you better take my arm,
00:22:54because it can be a bit tricky crossing this road.
00:22:57Right.
00:22:58Hold in, I'll go.
00:23:02Get away!
00:23:05Come on!
00:23:31It's already been done.
00:23:33Well, what hasn't?
00:23:34Excuse me.
00:23:35Look now, Sonny, I'm busy.
00:23:37Sonny?
00:23:37You want your eyes tested.
00:23:40Excuse me.
00:23:41I thought they always built the shock absorbers into the bikes.
00:23:44Saucy.
00:23:45Here, you the bloke in charge?
00:23:46That's right.
00:23:47Fiddler's the name.
00:23:47Oh, nice to meet you.
00:23:48I'm Hope Springs.
00:23:50Hope Springs?
00:23:51I don't believe it.
00:23:53True.
00:23:54Well, actually, me real name's Muriel Bloggs,
00:23:57but it was hardly right for this game, was it?
00:23:59What game?
00:23:59Beauty contest, of course.
00:24:01Hang on, wait a minute.
00:24:02Don't tell me you're a competitor.
00:24:03Of course I am.
00:24:05See?
00:24:06Miss Easy Rider.
00:24:08I beat 14 other girls for that.
00:24:10Doing what?
00:24:11Of course, I was at an advantage.
00:24:13We had to do it on a motorbike.
00:24:14I should have thought that was a handicap.
00:24:15No, what I mean is, I've been riding a motorbike for years now.
00:24:18Good for you.
00:24:19But this is a straight beauty contest, no kinky stuff.
00:24:22Oh, I see.
00:24:23You think I'm not right for it, don't you?
00:24:25No, no, no, I didn't say that.
00:24:26I just don't want you to waste your time, that's all.
00:24:28Oh, I won't.
00:24:29Don't you worry.
00:24:30I look a lot different in a bikini, you know.
00:24:32So does he, but he's not entering.
00:24:33Yeah, just you wait and see.
00:24:35You're in for a big surprise.
00:24:37Here, you got a room I can change in?
00:24:38Yes, here you are.
00:24:39Use mine.
00:24:40Promise you won't come in?
00:24:41Not until you're halfway through.
00:24:43Yeah, on second thoughts, I'll bet have a woman be owned.
00:24:48Perhaps you're right.
00:24:50Come on.
00:24:52How?
00:24:55There you are.
00:24:56Connie, got a room for this young lady?
00:24:58Oh, well, of course, Sydney.
00:25:03I think you'll find that an ideal one.
00:25:05Thank you, Connie.
00:25:06Now, just a minute, that's for the broom cupboard.
00:25:07That's right, where we keep all the scrubbers.
00:25:10All right, all right, keep your hat on.
00:25:12Here, go and change in mine.
00:25:14I'll sort it out later.
00:25:15Ta, I heard that.
00:25:17Does she fancy you or something?
00:25:18No, you know how it is, a widow with a place like this.
00:25:20Things get on top of her.
00:25:21Yeah, I bet they do.
00:25:23Frequently.
00:25:26Here I go, a good change.
00:25:27Ta, see ya.
00:25:28See ya.
00:25:47Excuse me.
00:25:48Mind if I join you?
00:25:50Oh, help yourself.
00:25:51It's big enough, isn't it?
00:25:52I do, yes.
00:25:56I won't ask how far you want to go.
00:25:58I might get the wrong answer.
00:26:00Only to the bottom, me dear.
00:26:04Oh, so you want to play, do ya?
00:26:07Well, come on, then.
00:26:19Now, come on, lover.
00:26:20I've only just started.
00:26:25That'll teach the old buzzard.
00:26:27What did you do to him?
00:26:28I think I tickled his fancy.
00:26:30Well, do I pass now?
00:26:32With honours, in at least two subjects.
00:26:34Oh, saucy.
00:26:35Let's hope the judges think like you.
00:26:36If they do, they'll all get locked up.
00:26:38Ooh, promises, promises.
00:26:39Well, I'm not too late with the pictures.
00:26:41No, no, no.
00:26:41Go to the others over there.
00:26:42Oh, ta.
00:26:44Right, now, that's a lot, is it?
00:26:46Uh, no.
00:26:47There's still Miss Brakes to come.
00:26:48Oh, no, not Dawn.
00:26:50Is she here?
00:26:51That's right.
00:26:51You know her?
00:26:52Do I?
00:26:53I'm not saying anything against her,
00:26:54but if this was a dog contest,
00:26:56we'd none of a standard chance.
00:26:58If it was a cat show,
00:26:59you'd do all right, though, wouldn't you?
00:27:00Oh, I like the girl, honest.
00:27:02I mean, it's not her fault.
00:27:03She has to wear a falsie.
00:27:04What do you mean, a falsie?
00:27:06She's got one bigger than the other.
00:27:08Is that right?
00:27:09No, left.
00:27:10But you're crazy about her.
00:27:12Oh, I wouldn't say a word against her.
00:27:15Like in the last contest we were in,
00:27:17we were sharing this dressing room together
00:27:18and I had this fabulous silver bikini
00:27:21and I just popped out for a while.
00:27:23Well, it could quite easily happen in an outfit like that.
00:27:25Now, I'm not saying she nicked it, mind, but...
00:27:31Push, push.
00:27:32Keep in coming.
00:27:33That's a good boy.
00:27:34That's a good...
00:27:35Keep in coming.
00:27:36I am pushing.
00:27:38I am pushing.
00:27:39What's that?
00:27:40It's all right, Conn.
00:27:40It's only a donkey.
00:27:41I know it's a donkey.
00:27:42What's he doing in my lounge?
00:27:44That's a good question.
00:27:48What the hell do you think you're doing?
00:27:50Sid, I want you to meet Cleopatra.
00:27:52How do you do?
00:27:53Have you gone out of your mind?
00:27:54No, it's for the photos.
00:27:55Beauty and the Beast, get it?
00:27:57Beauty and...
00:27:58Beauty and the Beast.
00:27:59What a great idea.
00:28:01Come on, come over here.
00:28:02Come on.
00:28:03I am not having it in here.
00:28:05William, take it out.
00:28:06Oh, Conn, be reasonable.
00:28:07It's only for a couple of minutes.
00:28:08Be reasonable?
00:28:08I don't even allow dogs in here.
00:28:10It's not a dog.
00:28:11I know it's not a dog,
00:28:12but these carpets are very expensive.
00:28:14William!
00:28:15I'm afraid it's too late.
00:28:17Well, don't you stand there.
00:28:18Get a shovel.
00:28:19Yes.
00:28:21It'd be very good for the potted palms.
00:28:23Get it out of here, Sidney.
00:28:24Get it out!
00:28:25Yes, right.
00:28:26Never mind her.
00:28:27We'll get a couple of quick shots first.
00:28:30Right, Larry boy,
00:28:31now tell her what we're going to do.
00:28:32We'll get one of the girls to sit on the donkey,
00:28:33and we'll...
00:28:33What's the matter with you?
00:28:35Oh, gosh.
00:28:37Are you ready for me now?
00:28:39More than ready, darling.
00:28:41Come on.
00:28:41I want you to come and sit on this donkey.
00:28:43Oh, all right.
00:28:44There we are.
00:28:44You sure it's safe?
00:28:45He doesn't look too happy.
00:28:46Well, he should be.
00:28:47He's just got a big load off his mind.
00:28:49Well, if you say so.
00:28:50Right, come on.
00:28:51Wait, wait, wait a minute.
00:28:52Hang on.
00:28:53Don't just stand there.
00:28:54Come and give her a bunk up.
00:28:55What?
00:28:56A bunk up.
00:28:57Come on.
00:28:57Oh, I see.
00:28:59Right.
00:29:01Ready?
00:29:02Right.
00:29:02There we are.
00:29:04Hit.
00:29:05All right, girls.
00:29:05Come on.
00:29:06Let's have you.
00:29:06All come round.
00:29:07Round the donkey, please.
00:29:08Come on.
00:29:08That's it.
00:29:10Right.
00:29:14All right.
00:29:15All right, Larry.
00:29:16We're ready.
00:29:17Oh, just a minute.
00:29:18I've still got my robe on.
00:29:19Hang on.
00:29:21I knew it.
00:29:25You thieving bitch.
00:29:28What's going on here?
00:29:29That's my bikini she's got on.
00:29:31Really?
00:29:31I don't know what she's talking about.
00:29:33No, no, no.
00:29:33Just a minute, girl.
00:29:33She nicked that from my dressing room last year.
00:29:36Darling, I wouldn't be seen dead in your own drag.
00:29:38Oh, you'll be seen dead if you don't give it back to me.
00:29:41Now, now, that's quite enough of it.
00:29:42What are you trying to do?
00:29:42Now, now, you stay out of this.
00:29:49You fucking cow.
00:29:56No!
00:30:18Oh, you're trying to do it.
00:30:57He's just about what it's going on here
00:31:15Oh
00:31:43Oh
00:32:20Mildred
00:32:26Mildred
00:32:27Mildred
00:32:41Mildred
00:32:42You all right then?
00:32:44Of course I am. Didn't you hear me call me?
00:32:47I had the radio on.
00:32:49I know you had it on. I can't remember when you had it off.
00:32:52Neither can I.
00:32:54Are you aware that it is now five past nine?
00:32:57I'm missing something then.
00:32:59My tea. I ordered it for 8.30.
00:33:02Better late than never I always say.
00:33:20Well then.
00:33:22Thank you very much.
00:33:23Enough sugar?
00:33:24Quite.
00:33:26And cigarette ash.
00:33:30Isn't it time you started thinking about getting dressed?
00:33:33What for?
00:33:35Have you forgotten what I kept on telling you last night?
00:33:40To stop snoring?
00:33:42At 10 o'clock we have an official visit to the maternity hospital.
00:33:47Do I have to go?
00:33:49Of course you do. They're expecting you.
00:33:51I don't really feel up to it, Frederick.
00:33:53You've got to.
00:33:55You are the mayor's wife, God help him.
00:33:57You have a duty to do.
00:33:59And that doesn't mean sitting around here all day like an old compost heap.
00:34:05Yes, Frederick.
00:34:07You should take pride in being the wife of Fircoombe's leading citizen.
00:34:16And what, may I ask, is so amusing?
00:34:19Yes.
00:34:20What do you mean?
00:34:26Here.
00:34:43Is that you, Roseberry?
00:34:45Yes.
00:34:50Have you seen this?
00:34:52Yes, bloody disgrace.
00:34:53Still, what can you expect from a man?
00:34:56My boy Lawrence took it, you know.
00:34:58It's done him quite a bit of good.
00:35:00And us.
00:35:01Us? Why?
00:35:02Well, the more old Bumble lays himself open to ridicule like this,
00:35:05the better our chances of having a lady mayor next time.
00:35:09Gosh, yes.
00:35:10That would hit him where it hurts, wouldn't it?
00:35:12Oh, please, Rosemary.
00:35:13You know I don't like any reference to that area of their so-called superiority.
00:35:17By golly, you'd make a spiffing mayor all guster.
00:35:21Now, we've got to keep up the pressure against this damn beauty contest.
00:35:24I agree.
00:35:25What's the next step?
00:35:27I've been wondering, have you any pull with anyone at the maternity hospital?
00:35:32Good Lord, no.
00:35:33It's hardly my scene, is it?
00:35:36Only the mayor is opening a new nursery there today.
00:35:40I thought we might arrange a little surprise for him.
00:35:57Mr. Prodworthy, I'm so pleased you could come.
00:35:59You didn't mind me calling you, did you?
00:36:01Oh, not at all, Miss Brakes.
00:36:02I saw your photos in the newspaper this morning.
00:36:04I was very impressed.
00:36:06I thought perhaps you could help me.
00:36:08Of course, anything.
00:36:09This magazine wants some pin-up photos, you see,
00:36:11and I thought you'd be the person to take them.
00:36:13Oh, thank you.
00:36:15Hair, do you mean?
00:36:16No, on the beach.
00:36:17Oh, fine.
00:36:18Oh, but I advise plenty of warm clothing.
00:36:20I don't think the magazine would like that.
00:36:22Oh, why not?
00:36:23They only want nudes.
00:36:25Huh?
00:36:26You have done nudes before.
00:36:28Oh, yes.
00:36:29Shall we have a bash, then?
00:36:30Pardon?
00:36:32Oh, pictures.
00:36:33Now?
00:36:34Well, yes, they won them by the end of the week.
00:36:36Yes.
00:36:36They're naked.
00:36:37On the beach in broad daylight in Fircum.
00:36:41I'm sure we'll find a deserted spot.
00:36:43Come on.
00:36:56Oh.
00:36:57Oh.
00:36:58I beg your pardon?
00:37:00Of all the filthy, rotten beasts.
00:37:03I...
00:37:03Disgusting.
00:37:04You're a fixer.
00:37:05Disgusting.
00:37:06Disgusting.
00:37:07Disgusting.
00:37:08Disgusting.
00:37:08Disgusting.
00:37:24Disgusting.
00:37:25As well.
00:37:25Am I.
00:37:25It's about the fourth that's left this morning.
00:37:27You don't have to tell me.
00:37:28Where's Mr. Fiddler?
00:37:29Oh, he's still up in his room.
00:37:30He'd just sat down for some more coffee.
00:37:32Hm.
00:37:33I'll give him coffee.
00:37:35Oh, good.
00:37:36Saved me a trip.
00:37:40Look over.
00:37:43I'll have it here, please.
00:37:44On the bed.
00:37:44You won't, you know.
00:37:48oh i'm sorry i thought it was me coffee that's okay look i came to apologize for what happened
00:37:54yesterday are you joking have you seen the publicity we got out of it front page every
00:37:58paper good day i was hoping to do the trick what do you mean you were hoping well the donkey
00:38:04wasn't
00:38:04a bad idea but there's nothing like a really good punch-up particularly amongst women huh
00:38:09you mean you started it deliberately you're a clever little devil ain't you well i'm pretty sure
00:38:17it was my outfit she had on of course i could be wrong we should get together with your brains
00:38:24and
00:38:24my beauty we could go places oh i don't think i could teach you much you want to bet i
00:38:30think i
00:38:31better be going no no come on here what's the hurry well you know what the other girls would say
00:38:34if they
00:38:34knew i was in here with you yes why should she have all the luck they'd say i was trying
00:38:39to work
00:38:39on you to fix myself to win and they'd be dead wrong there is nothing in the world that you
00:38:44could
00:38:44do to influence me i'll be there i'll prove it no thanks i'll take my chance with the rest i'll
00:38:49tell
00:38:49you what i'll do with you you send all the others in here one at a time and i'll prove
00:38:52it to the lot
00:38:52of them now you can't say fairer than that can you oh really think you would too leave it outside
00:38:59the door please Sydney i want to talk to you she mustn't catch you in here Sydney just a minute
00:39:06now quick get my cup oh what's the matter well my jesse gown's got caught oh good oh no Sydney
00:39:13you all right love i'm not decent i think it's caught in the spring well do something for god's sake
00:39:18all right all right but turn the other way
00:39:20all right but turn the other way
00:39:20all right
00:39:29all right
00:39:30all right
00:39:30all right
00:39:36sorry to get you waiting just getting dressed didn't get very far did you what's the matter
00:39:40something's upset you haven't it upset four more of my regulars moved out this morning that's seven
00:39:45gone in two days oh well we don't want to discuss it up here do we why don't we get
00:39:49out the office
00:39:49in your pajamas charming that should get rid of a few more yeah well i'll i'll put on my dressing
00:39:53down no i won't i tell you what you go downstairs and i'll follow straight what is it that's what
00:39:59i'm wondering oh there's my dressing gown wonder what happened to it won't be not
00:40:08it's frank where is she where's who i don't know what you're talking about what are you looking for
00:40:12there isn't one i always go to the bathroom connie just a minute connie connie wait a minute
00:40:16oh hello
00:40:18i thought as much
00:40:21connie connie wait a minute
00:40:22connie
00:40:23oh
00:40:27gosh you're right it is a bit nippy
00:40:28what do you keep looking around like that for
00:40:31i'm just worried somebody might come along
00:40:34so what i'm sure they've seen a naked girl before
00:40:37well i haven't oh oh not like this anyway you're not embarrassed are you you shouldn't be you
00:40:44know as a photographer you should be able to regard these things objectively yes well nobody could
00:40:49regard those things objectively why what's wrong with them oh nothing they're uh
00:40:57uh come on let's get on with the photographs oh i've still got my panties on oh uh haven't you
00:41:03taken enough off not for the magazine these photos are for oh my god
00:41:16okay now larry
00:41:19and
00:41:19oh
00:41:19oh
00:41:20ah help help help
00:41:23get me out get me out
00:41:25oh
00:41:25get me out
00:41:34well it won't it won't be long now i'm used to this sort of thing you know that's quite
00:41:38all right your worship
00:41:42sorry to keep you all waiting it's a weakness of mine you know that's quite all right lady
00:41:46maris freddy could tell you i have to get up four or five times during the night don't i yes
00:41:51yes
00:41:51yes yes yes i'm sure the matron has no wish to listen to our nocturnal habits
00:41:55minute i didn't mean those sort of habits we haven't done anything like that but yeah
00:42:01could we please get on with it match yes yes of course your worship
00:42:05well this is the new nursery
00:42:09as you can see we've named it the frederick bumble nursery
00:42:13i'm of course highly honored but i would have thought that
00:42:16mrs prodworthy you know as chairman of the hospital board
00:42:20thank you your worship but the committee felt the honor should go to you
00:42:25the commemoration plaque is at the far end
00:42:27now i must ask you all to be very quiet as the babies will all be asleep
00:42:32of course bless their little house
00:42:53just leave them there leave them
00:43:10just hold the cord when you're ready your worship
00:43:13yes of course matron yes ladies and gentlemen
00:43:22gentlemen it is with the greatest pleasure
00:43:28nay even with pride that i unveil this commemorative plug
00:43:33to mark the completion of this splendid new nursery
00:43:52the
00:43:55the
00:43:57the
00:43:59the
00:44:01the
00:44:05I tell you, I've never been so humiliated, and it's all your fault, you and this wretched beauty contest.
00:44:13Oh, come off it, Fred, it can't be all that serious.
00:44:15But I tell you, I was a laughingstock. Even the babies were wetting themselves.
00:44:20I wish we'd known. We'd have had a photographer there.
00:44:23You won't need any photos, not with Augusta Prodworthy there. It'll be all over the town by now.
00:44:30I still think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Now, if you hadn't been wearing your underpants...
00:44:35Yes, it was ghastly enough, thank you. If you don't believe me, ask her, she'll tell you.
00:44:43Well, say something, woman.
00:44:45Is there a lady, Sandy?
00:44:47Oh, shut up. I warn you, Fiddler, I will not be involved in any more of your publicity stunts. No
00:44:54more.
00:44:55Fity about that, because he's got a good one lined up for you for today.
00:44:57I do not care. Come on up, Mildred.
00:45:00It would have done you a lot of good, put you in a heroic light for a change.
00:45:04Well, I don't wish to... No, but...
00:45:06Huh?
00:45:08How do you mean, heroic light?
00:45:12You know lovers walk, where everybody goes for a snog?
00:45:15Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. What about it?
00:45:19Well, this is it. One of our girls goes for a walk, is attacked, has half her clothes torn off,
00:45:25but is rescued in the nick of time by, guess who?
00:45:28Me.
00:45:31What would I be doing there?
00:45:33Well, you just happen to be there. With your wife, of course.
00:45:38But me? Don't lovers walk with her? You must be raving mad.
00:45:44He's got a point there, Pete. I'll tell you what, we'll fix you up with one of our girls.
00:45:48How's that?
00:45:49You are raving mad. Don't let me get out of here.
00:45:53Oh! Oh, it's you, Your Worship. I didn't recognise you with your trousers on.
00:45:57Hmm? I...
00:45:58Oh, please, get out of here.
00:46:01Oh, dear. Did I say something wrong?
00:46:03Not so she'd notice. Did you ever talk to Connie?
00:46:05Yeah. I tried to explain to her, but she just wouldn't listen.
00:46:08Is it just like a woman?
00:46:08Well, what do you expect? She finds you and Hope practically naked in your bedroom together, and you expect her
00:46:13to really believe that nothing happened?
00:46:15I still don't believe it myself. I must be slippy.
00:46:17That's silly. I like to think a man can have a relationship with a woman, which isn't just based on
00:46:22sex.
00:46:22I fully agree. She should have money as well.
00:46:26Hello?
00:46:28Yes, just a minute. It's a fellow from the television studios. He wants to talk to you.
00:46:33Councillor Friddler speaking. Are you the person organising the beauty contest?
00:46:37Yes. Yes, that's right.
00:46:39Well, I'm...
00:46:41Cecil Gaybody.
00:46:42You don't say.
00:46:43I do women's things every weekday.
00:46:45Aren't you lucky?
00:46:46The magazine programmed.
00:46:49What did you have in mind, Mr. Gayboy?
00:46:51Gaybody.
00:46:52Well, you know the kind of thing. Come down, interview some of the girls.
00:46:57Oh, yes.
00:46:58And I think that's a great idea, and I should be very happy to lay it on for you.
00:47:01We could come down this evening.
00:47:03Six o'clock? Fine.
00:47:05Bisey-wisey.
00:47:06Oh, yes. And bisey-wisey to you two.
00:47:09We're in. I'm telling you, we're in.
00:47:12They want to do a television bit on it.
00:47:13Oh, great.
00:47:15On what?
00:47:15Well, that's what we've got to sort out.
00:47:17Now then, it's got to be something sensational.
00:47:19Yeah.
00:47:19Now then, think.
00:47:21Oh, you've had a lot of experience.
00:47:23Now, what we want is some big surprise.
00:47:25Oh, nothing would surprise me in this game, even if one of us turned out to be a man.
00:47:30That's it.
00:47:31That's it!
00:47:32I love you.
00:47:33Oh, didn't I tell you you were a genius?
00:47:35Are you kidding?
00:47:35No, no, no. Can't you see it?
00:47:37There's those girls all lined up, being interviewed on the telly.
00:47:40And then one arrives looking absolutely fantastic.
00:47:42And suddenly, pop!
00:47:44Ooh!
00:47:44One flat tire.
00:47:46You know, it could be kind of funny at that.
00:47:47Don't leave me money in the bank.
00:47:49Pardon me, but aren't you overlooking one small point?
00:47:52What?
00:47:52None of our girls are men.
00:47:54How do you know?
00:47:55Oh, don't be ridiculous, Sid.
00:47:56Well, all right.
00:47:57We'll get a man to do it.
00:47:58Oh, yes.
00:47:58I'm sure the mayor would be only too willing to oblige.
00:48:01I don't know.
00:48:03I don't think we'd have to look very far to you.
00:48:06You know, I think we might just about get away with it.
00:48:09With a good wig and make-up.
00:48:11And flat heels.
00:48:13Oh, no.
00:48:14No, I'm not having that.
00:48:15Oh, come on, Pete.
00:48:16What have you got to lose?
00:48:17Nothing much, but I'm not losing it dressed as a woman.
00:48:20Oh, blimey.
00:48:21Nobody will know it's you.
00:48:22You can change back immediately after.
00:48:23I'm not changing my sex for you or anybody else, and that's flat.
00:48:26No, no, definitely no.
00:48:31Stop wriggling.
00:48:33I can't help it.
00:48:34I can hardly breathe in this damn thing.
00:48:36Then don't breathe.
00:48:38Oh, that's fine.
00:48:39Don't move.
00:48:40Stop breathing.
00:48:40Why don't you just bury me and have done with it?
00:48:42Here, that would be a good stunt.
00:48:44We could have all the other girls as coffin bearers with top hats and black armbands and
00:48:48a lily stuck up there.
00:48:49There.
00:48:50There.
00:48:51Not bad.
00:48:52I wish your knees weren't quite so knobbly, though.
00:48:54Oh, I am sorry.
00:48:56I'll go to the hospital and get myself de-nobbled.
00:48:58Anything else you'd like me to have off while I'm at it?
00:49:02Here.
00:49:03We could do with a little bit more padding up here, though.
00:49:06That's all right.
00:49:07We'll just get them to transplant the nobbles from my knees.
00:49:11I'll do that, Salcy.
00:49:19Hello?
00:49:22Hello?
00:49:23Is that Mrs. Prodworthy?
00:49:25Yes, it is.
00:49:26Who is that?
00:49:27Oh, well, you won't know who this is, but...
00:49:29Do you like...
00:49:31No, no, not much you want.
00:49:32I kindly state your business.
00:49:34Uh, well, this may come as a surprise to you, but one of the entrants in the beauty competition
00:49:39is really a man.
00:49:40What?
00:49:42Oh, I can't believe it.
00:49:43Uh, well, have you ever seen a young woman using a gentleman's toilet?
00:49:48No, but it's possible, I imagine.
00:49:51What?
00:49:51Standing up?
00:49:54Good heavens.
00:49:56Well, this is incredible.
00:49:58Which one of them is it?
00:49:59Uh, well, I'm not prepared to say, but if you're at the hotel at six o'clock, you'll have a
00:50:04chance
00:50:04of finding out.
00:50:06Did she swallow it?
00:50:07Open, lad, and sinker.
00:50:08Good boy, Willie.
00:50:09Well done.
00:50:10Now, remember, not a word of this to anybody, particularly Mr. Potter.
00:50:12Of course not, Mr. Fiddler.
00:50:13There we are, son.
00:50:14That's very nice.
00:50:15I won't forget.
00:50:15Um, I, oh, uh, Mr. Fiddler, could you, uh, uh, this is silly.
00:50:22I can't even see my feet now.
00:50:24You should worry.
00:50:25I haven't seen mine since I was 13.
00:50:28Now, come on, sit down at the dressing table, and we'll try the wig on.
00:50:32Now, what do you think you'll look best, Finn?
00:50:34A blackout.
00:50:35Which would you prefer, a short or a long one?
00:50:39I'll think this one.
00:50:45Here you go.
00:50:48Now, what do you think?
00:50:50Do you know, it may sound kinky, but I could fancy myself.
00:50:55You wait till you see yourself in the dress.
00:51:05Come up and see me sometime.
00:51:07Who is it?
00:51:08Me, Finn.
00:51:09Just a minute.
00:51:10I'm not decent.
00:51:11What am I saying?
00:51:17How's it going?
00:51:24You're lovely.
00:51:25Oh, shut up.
00:51:26No, really, I mean it.
00:51:28Come here.
00:51:28I'm scared away from me, you dirty old man.
00:51:32Easy.
00:51:34Well, Sid, what do you think?
00:51:36Absolutely perfect.
00:51:37Look at that.
00:51:37He'd fool anybody.
00:51:38Until I open my big mouth.
00:51:39But you don't open your big mouth.
00:51:41The minute they twig that you're a bloke, you get it back to your room and you get changed.
00:51:44And what do I do to show them I am a bloke?
00:51:46And if the answer to that is what I think it is, it's no, I won't do it.
00:51:49It's all right.
00:51:50Don't worry.
00:51:50Look, when I introduce you, you step forward, trip, your wig flies off, I scream, go!
00:51:56Blimey, it's a fella.
00:51:57Sensation.
00:51:57Oh, very subtle.
00:51:59Oh, take this.
00:52:00Give me this.
00:52:01Oh, that's very nice.
00:52:02Do you want 44?
00:52:04Yeah.
00:52:05I'll tell him.
00:52:05Lovely.
00:52:06The television people are here.
00:52:07Great.
00:52:08Here we go.
00:52:08Now stop worrying.
00:52:10Go on.
00:52:10Get into your dress.
00:52:11It's a good girl.
00:52:14No, it goes over you, Ed.
00:52:16Bend down.
00:52:19You could deal with a spot of rouge on your cheeks.
00:52:23Get out!
00:52:26What television interview?
00:52:27I don't know anything about any interviews.
00:52:30Excuse me, but we made arrangements with Mr. Fidler to film here at six o'clock.
00:52:33In here?
00:52:34Not in this dreary room.
00:52:36We're not doing bleak house.
00:52:38Now look here.
00:52:38I refuse to stand here any longer and take any more.
00:52:41All right, Tony, leave it to me.
00:52:42I'll look after them.
00:52:43Just get them out of here, do you understand?
00:52:44Out.
00:52:45I'm not having any more of your little stunts.
00:52:47Excuse me.
00:52:48Connie, come.
00:52:50I can't just chuck a man.
00:52:51Think of the publicity.
00:52:52I mean, let's face it.
00:52:53We can't possibly get enough of it.
00:52:55Really?
00:52:55I was under the impression that you were getting more than enough of it.
00:53:00Excuse me.
00:53:00I'm sorry about that.
00:53:02Mr. Fidler, we've come quite a long way, and I'm really rather worn out.
00:53:07And you look it.
00:53:08Uh, tired, I mean.
00:53:10I'd like to get it over with.
00:53:11Yes, well, uh, through here, please.
00:53:17Oh, Albert.
00:53:18Yeah.
00:53:18Ah, uh, Birkham, nine, three, six, four.
00:53:22Oh, ah.
00:53:24Hello.
00:53:24Can I?
00:53:25Uh, won't give you a moment.
00:53:25Hello.
00:53:26Can I?
00:53:26Hello.
00:53:27Hello.
00:53:28That's for...
00:53:28Oh.
00:53:29Ha!
00:53:29Poof!
00:53:30They were...
00:53:30Oh, it wasn't...
00:53:31It was...
00:53:32I was...
00:53:33Sorry.
00:53:34I'd like to see Mr. Potter, please.
00:53:36Mr. Potter.
00:53:37Yes.
00:53:37Er, just one more.
00:53:38I'll...
00:53:38I'll...
00:53:39I'll...
00:53:39I'll...
00:53:40I'll...
00:53:40I'll...
00:53:40Give him all.
00:53:41Well, Mr. Potter, won't keep you saying it.
00:53:43It's...
00:53:45Well...
00:53:45Er, Potter, yes.
00:53:47That's quite right.
00:53:47It's...
00:53:48It's room 43, the fourth floor.
00:53:49It's all right.
00:53:50Don't you bother?
00:53:50I'll...
00:53:51I'll give him a...
00:53:51I'll give him a...
00:53:59No, no.
00:54:00Please don't bother.
00:54:01I'd like to surprise him, anyway.
00:54:03Yes.
00:54:03Well, it's room 43, fourth floor.
00:54:05Oh!
00:54:06Sure, love.
00:54:13Oh.
00:54:19I think we'd better go down a couple of flights
00:54:21so you can get used to the frog.
00:54:22Come on.
00:54:28Come on.
00:54:34Come on.
00:55:00All right, quiet, everyone, please.
00:55:02Ready whenever you are, Mr. Fiddler.
00:55:04Well, hang on. We've just got two more to come.
00:55:10Excuse us.
00:55:18Here they are. Up here, please. Come on.
00:55:24What a magnificent beam.
00:55:28You clumsy cow!
00:55:30I'm awfully sorry.
00:55:31Oh, don't worry. I'll do it myself.
00:55:32Excuse me.
00:55:33Miss Potter, would you get on the end of the line?
00:55:35Be a darling, Miss Potter.
00:55:45Here we are. All set.
00:55:47Thank goodness for that.
00:55:49Now, we'll start.
00:55:51Now, come on, girls. Don't forget. Please, please. Plenty of cheese.
00:55:55Come on, throw away your thingy-my-bothers out.
00:55:57Not right out, darling. It's not an educational program.
00:56:02Yes, yes, yes, I know. But even supposing if your information is correct, I fail to see what we can
00:56:07do about it.
00:56:09Inspector, is there no law against a man masquerading as a woman?
00:56:12Well, if it's with intent to defraud the public, yes, ma'am.
00:56:15But he'd only be defrauding if he was offering something he hadn't got.
00:56:19Well, he would be offering something he hasn't got.
00:56:22Depends what he's offering.
00:56:24Well, that is tricky.
00:56:26Now, take this gentleman here.
00:56:28He can dress up as a woman if he so wishes.
00:56:30She is a woman.
00:56:33Oh, well, that's different.
00:56:34She can dress up as a man.
00:56:36She is.
00:56:37Oh, this is getting us nowhere.
00:56:40Inspector, is it or is it not fraud if a man masquerades as a woman in order to win a
00:56:45prize?
00:56:45Now, that would be an offence.
00:56:47Then that is all we wish to know.
00:56:49Come along.
00:56:50Here.
00:56:51And now, Woman's Things takes you to the darling seaside town of Perkins for an exclusive behind-the-scenes peep
00:57:01at the drama in a typical beauty contest.
00:57:05Stop!
00:57:06Madam, if you don't mind, we are recording a television show.
00:57:11You are recording a public scandal.
00:57:14That is what you're doing.
00:57:15I beg your pardon?
00:57:18I have every reason to believe that one of those women is a man.
00:57:25Really?
00:57:27Do tell.
00:57:28Mrs. Brodworthy, you don't know what you're saying.
00:57:30Oh, yes, I do.
00:57:32I had an anonymous phone call.
00:57:34Oh, well, we'll soon sort that out.
00:57:36Girls, you heard what the lady said?
00:57:38If it's true, would the guilty one kindly step forward?
00:57:42Satisfied, Mrs. Brodworthy?
00:57:43Certainly not.
00:57:45I demand that each one undergoes an examination.
00:57:48Physical examination?
00:57:49Exactly.
00:57:50Well, it's up to them, of course.
00:57:51If it was me, I would be only too happy to prove you wrong.
00:57:54What do you say, girl?
00:57:55What strip off, you mean?
00:57:56Just down to the undies.
00:57:57That should be enough.
00:57:58Well, I'm game.
00:57:59Go on.
00:58:03Miss Potter.
00:58:03Never mind, sir.
00:58:10Keep shooting still a little bit, since they...
00:58:14Now, you too, Miss Potter may.
00:58:15Don't be shy, Miss Potter.
00:58:17You one stinking...
00:58:18That's him!
00:58:19Stop him, somebody!
00:58:24Stop that person!
00:58:28After me!
00:58:40This way, my dear. Over here.
00:58:48Upstairs! Upstairs!
00:58:54Help! How dare you! You thing, you!
00:59:01Serves you right for trying, you dirty old lecher.
00:59:04Help!
00:59:16Oh, sorry, wrong room!
00:59:21Peter, in here!
00:59:28Get your old clothes on.
00:59:29Go on, get in the bathroom.
00:59:32Get your makeup on.
00:59:39Excuse me. Have you seen a half-clothed woman up here?
00:59:43Why, yes. She came into my fiancée's room a moment ago.
00:59:46It's in there.
00:59:48What is?
00:59:49Don't ask me, sir.
00:59:50All right. Leave this to me, please.
00:59:55I must ask you to open the door, please.
00:59:57Police!
00:59:58Shh! Right on the bed!
01:00:05How dare you burst in like that!
01:00:07Excuse me, ma'am.
01:00:08Sir?
01:00:09We were looking for a...
01:00:11Sorry.
01:00:13All right, come on.
01:00:18Oh, you're wonderful!
01:00:22Peter!
01:00:24Oh, no!
01:00:47You can see the way they're pouring in out there. It's even better than we bargained for.
01:00:50The new bargain for, you mean?
01:00:52You're not still sure about what happened, are you?
01:00:54Oh, no, I'm chuffed to bits.
01:00:55I've lost my fiancée.
01:00:56I nearly get raped by a sex-starved admiral.
01:00:59And if it hadn't been for hope, I'd probably be in jail by now.
01:01:02Oh, it was her idea, was it, all that rumpo on the bed?
01:01:05Well, it certainly wasn't mine.
01:01:06What are you complaining about?
01:01:08You would have considered yourself dead lucky you got anywhere near her.
01:01:10I know I would.
01:01:11Oh, I've got nothing against her.
01:01:14It's just that I happen to be in love with Paula.
01:01:16Oh, forget it. She'll come back. They always do.
01:01:18You look at old Connie.
01:01:19Last night, she wouldn't speak to me.
01:01:21Today, you watch. She'll be all over me.
01:01:24Hello, darling. Doing all right out there, eh?
01:01:25Told you they'd come flocking in, didn't I?
01:01:32All over you. And from a great height.
01:01:35And that's exactly how it all happened, believe it or not.
01:01:39I suppose Peter asked you to come and tell me all this?
01:01:41Oh, no. He doesn't know I'm here.
01:01:43But he was so upset, I thought I ought to try and straighten things out for him.
01:01:47You really mean that this mysterious Patricia Potter was Peter?
01:01:50Yes.
01:01:52The silly fool. What made him do it?
01:01:55Oh, it wasn't his idea. Sid talked him into it.
01:01:57Yes. From what I've heard about him, I can well believe that.
01:02:00Oh, Sid's not so bad. He's really quite nice when you get to know him.
01:02:04I'm sorry. I didn't realise you were keen on him.
01:02:07Now you've come to mention it, neither did I.
01:02:11There's a thing.
01:02:13Look, are we the only two who know Peter was this girl?
01:02:16Yeah, why?
01:02:18Well, if Peter can be a beauty queen, I'm damn sure I can.
01:02:22Do you think I stand a chance?
01:02:23Yeah. Here, you'll be the greatest.
01:02:27Ha-ha!
01:02:29And then!
01:02:31Millman!
01:02:48There!
01:02:49That should do it good.
01:02:52Now, perhaps you will get dressed.
01:02:55Why?
01:02:56The car will be here soon.
01:02:59We are due at the fire station at 10 o'clock.
01:03:02What for?
01:03:04To inspect their new fire engine.
01:03:07It should be exciting.
01:03:15Please go to the toilet before we leave.
01:03:19I don't think I'll bother, thank you.
01:03:21I don't feel like looking at fire engines.
01:03:23Have you taken leave of your senses?
01:03:26Those firemen are expecting you to be there with me.
01:03:29What am I going to tell them?
01:03:31Tell them there's more than one way to put a fire out.
01:03:34That's exactly how I feel about their new engine.
01:03:38As you all know, this degrading spectacle is due to take place at 3 p.m. on Saturday in the
01:03:44pier theatre.
01:03:45And our primary objective now is to ensure that it does not...
01:03:49Here we are!
01:03:50Now for your orders then.
01:03:52Now, this is a plan of the pier and the theatre.
01:03:55And each one of you section leaders will be in command of one area of the offensive.
01:04:01I must stress that the success of the whole operation depends on surprise.
01:04:06And I must ask you to regard this briefing as top secret.
01:04:12Right.
01:04:15I think there's someone in the outer office.
01:04:24Aha!
01:04:25All right.
01:04:26Come in here.
01:04:30I'm sorry.
01:04:31I didn't mean to disturb anything.
01:04:33Mrs. Bumble.
01:04:35What are you doing here?
01:04:37Pleaser.
01:04:39I'd like to join up.
01:04:42Rosemary.
01:04:42Get the candle.
01:04:45Right.
01:04:46It's a deal.
01:04:473 o'clock in the pier theatre on Saturday.
01:04:49And thank you, Mr. Gaybody.
01:04:51How about that, Pete?
01:04:535,000 quid for the exclusive television rights.
01:04:55Marvellous.
01:04:56What are you looking so worried about then?
01:04:58Do you realise we haven't seen those women's lib pickets out all day today?
01:05:01So what?
01:05:02We got them licked and they know it.
01:05:03Yeah, but why should they choose to stop now?
01:05:05That is women's fundamental weakness, matey.
01:05:08They never know when to stop.
01:05:09Now don't worry.
01:05:10All plain sailing from now on.
01:05:15Yes, Inspector.
01:05:16What can I do for you?
01:05:17Excuse me, sir, but we've had information to the effect that this Patricia Potter is here again.
01:05:21That's impossible.
01:05:22He's here.
01:05:23That's what I said, sir.
01:05:24But he can't.
01:05:24She can't be.
01:05:25William said she booked into Miss Spring's room an hour ago.
01:05:29What the hell's going on here?
01:05:31Perhaps we'd better find out, sir.
01:05:32You're dead right, matey.
01:05:33We will find out.
01:05:49Oh!
01:05:49Oh, hello, Sid.
01:05:50Excuse me, Donna, but the inspector seems to think that you've got Patricia Potter in it.
01:05:54Yes, that's right.
01:05:56You have?
01:05:57I'd like to see him, please, miss.
01:05:59You mean her?
01:06:00I'd like to see him or her, please.
01:06:03Okay.
01:06:04Come in.
01:06:10Someone to see you, Patricia.
01:06:13Yes?
01:06:15You are Miss Patricia Potter?
01:06:17That's right.
01:06:18Is that the one that was here before Cookson?
01:06:21Oh, I think so, sir.
01:06:22I'm sorry about running away like I did, but you see, I hadn't got my best undies.
01:06:26Oh, yes.
01:06:28You still intend to enter for this beauty contest?
01:06:31Of course.
01:06:32Why shouldn't I?
01:06:33Because we have reason to believe that you are of the male sex.
01:06:36Oh, well, really?
01:06:38Do I look like a man?
01:06:39These days, it's very often difficult to tell.
01:06:44What about you?
01:06:45Do you think I'm male?
01:06:47I'd rather not say.
01:06:49Well, there's only one way of proving I'm not, I suppose.
01:06:51No, no, no, don't do that.
01:06:53It's all right.
01:06:53I've got something on underneath.
01:06:55Is that enough?
01:06:57Yes.
01:06:58Thank you, Miss.
01:06:58I must apologize.
01:06:59I'm perfectly satisfied.
01:07:02All right, Cookson.
01:07:02Come along.
01:07:06Nice work, darling.
01:07:07Hey!
01:07:11What about you, Peter?
01:07:13Are you perfectly satisfied?
01:07:15No.
01:07:16But I bloody well soon will be.
01:07:25Oh, dear.
01:07:28And by this action.
01:07:29And by this action.
01:07:31I, Mildred Bumble.
01:07:32I, Mildred Bumble.
01:07:33Publicly proclaim my equality to man.
01:07:35Publicly proclaim my equality to man.
01:07:37And hereby cast aside the bonds of womanhood.
01:07:39And hereby cast aside the bonds of womanhood.
01:07:42Just go ahead.
01:07:42Proceed.
01:07:42Proceed.
01:07:48Proceed.
01:07:49Oh, it's called the fire brigade, sir!
01:07:59This is indeed a proud day for the Ferkum Fire Brigade.
01:08:05Very nice.
01:08:06Thank you, Your Worship.
01:08:07Highly polished.
01:08:08What is this?
01:08:08That's the bell, sir.
01:08:09Oh, yeah.
01:08:10You high-speed hose.
01:08:12Well, well, I must say, it all looks very, very efficient to me.
01:08:16What, might I ask, is all this, then?
01:08:18Well, amongst other things, Your Worship, this house is the lifeline.
01:08:22The lifeline?
01:08:23Yes, you see, when any of the men are entering a smoking building or such like,
01:08:27well, first of all, it attaches one of these hooks to their belts.
01:08:29So.
01:08:30Oh, I see.
01:08:32Very good, yes.
01:08:34Like this?
01:08:35That's right.
01:08:36Excuse me, Your Worship.
01:08:37I'd like to take a photograph of that.
01:08:38Oh, certainly, my boy, certainly.
01:08:44Good heavens, what was that?
01:08:45That's the alarm, I'm afraid, Your Worship.
01:09:20How much is that, please?
01:09:21Uh, fifty pence, please, sir.
01:09:23Oh, but quid?
01:09:24Plenty'll have to be good.
01:09:25Oh, I can assure you, you'll never see anything like this again.
01:09:28Great, innit?
01:09:30I didn't expect a crowd like this.
01:09:32Be sold out soon.
01:09:33Thanks for offering day, Opcom.
01:09:34Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for anything, Sydney.
01:09:37Well, you can't say I haven't worked for it.
01:09:38Now, I can truthfully say you're going to get everything you deserve.
01:09:41Well, I've got to get up to the theatre now.
01:09:43Just make sure that all this money's locked up nice and safe when you're finished.
01:09:46Oh, don't worry, I'll take good care of it.
01:09:47That's my girl.
01:09:55You'd better keep your eye on that lock.
01:09:57We don't want any trouble.
01:09:58Don't worry, sir.
01:09:59None of them are getting past us.
01:10:00Good, lad.
01:10:13Yes!
01:10:21Oh, excuse me, I'm looking for Paula, Miss Patricia Potter.
01:10:24All right, darling, I'll come out.
01:10:26Just a tick.
01:10:29Enjoying the view?
01:10:31Oh, sorry.
01:10:37What is it, darling?
01:10:38Paula, I don't want you to take part in this.
01:10:41Oh, darling, I'm enjoying it.
01:10:42And I might even win.
01:10:44I can't help that.
01:10:45I can't stand the thought of all those people out there leering at you and mentally undressing you.
01:10:49They won't have to strain their mentality much in this outfit.
01:10:53You're not going out there in that.
01:10:55Why don't you think it's suitable?
01:10:57Suitable?
01:10:58You're showing your button.
01:11:00My what?
01:11:01Your button, that.
01:11:02Oh, is that bad?
01:11:05Don't you understand?
01:11:06There are certain things a woman just doesn't show in public.
01:11:08Yes, but I didn't think that was one of them.
01:11:10My mother always told me what...
01:11:11I don't care what your mother always told you.
01:11:13You're not going out there and that's that.
01:11:14Peter, you don't own me, you know.
01:11:16Oh, yes, I damn well do.
01:11:17And when people meet my wife, I'm not going to have them say,
01:11:19there's the woman with the well-known button.
01:11:21Yes, darling.
01:11:22Let's see now.
01:11:23How would it be if I wore this bit down there?
01:11:26Well, that might...
01:11:28Oh, darling, I'm going to marry you.
01:11:32Don't worry, darling.
01:11:33I'll try and find something more respectable.
01:11:50Sunray to A. Abel.
01:11:52Commence Operation Nubble.
01:11:54Roger and out.
01:12:06Five minutes, girl.
01:12:09Excuse me.
01:12:11Why are you wearing punches?
01:12:14I love you.
01:12:15Yeah, I love you.
01:12:31All right, Fred. Now, all I want from you is a few well-chosen words to start halting off, right?
01:12:35Oh, yes, quite, yes. I had thought of something along these lines, you see.
01:12:38Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
01:12:40That's great. That's just enough. Excuse me, I'll be right back.
01:12:43Oh, excuse me.
01:12:43Oh, hi. Gonna wish me luck.
01:12:45You are me, darling.
01:12:46Oh, you reckon?
01:12:47I know. I'm gonna have a word with the judges. They're all mates of mine.
01:12:50You great big stupid ape.
01:12:52What's the matter?
01:12:53Well, you think you can go through life fixing things, even me.
01:12:56Well, you're dead wrong. If I do win, it's not gonna be with any help from you.
01:12:59Oh, wait a minute. Oh, Fred.
01:13:01Oh, just a minute. Don't you see, I'm trying to do something nice for you.
01:13:04Well, if you want to do something nice, just wish me luck.
01:13:07I do, but even luck needs a bit of a shove, doesn't it?
01:13:09Oh, you'll never change, will you? No, Sid, but thanks all the same.
01:13:13All right. Good luck.
01:13:21Do you mind? This is private.
01:13:24And this is the ladies' cloakroom.
01:13:26Oh, good.
01:13:35Good afternoon, madam.
01:13:38And although this venture has not been welcomed by some of our more retrogressive residents, I venture to say...
01:13:48Nay, nay. I'm more than venture. I proudly say... I proudly say... what?
01:13:56You ready, Fred? I'll introduce you.
01:13:58Oh, no, not quite.
01:13:58Yes, all right, Fred.
01:14:06Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this, the very first Miss Fercombe Beauty contest.
01:14:11Now, I am highly delighted to be able to tell you that all the contestants you will see here today...
01:14:15represent the very cream of their profession.
01:14:18And cream, let me tell you, that comes in the most magnificent containers.
01:14:24Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
01:14:26Now, before we go any further, I'd like you to meet the man who has given unstintingly of his time
01:14:30to Fercom...
01:14:31your own distinguished mayor, Alderman Bumble.
01:14:34Clear me throat.
01:14:41Ladies and gentlemen...
01:14:43Get him off!
01:14:48Get him off!
01:14:49Get him off!
01:14:50Get him off!
01:14:51Get him off!
01:14:52That's your luck, Fred. Don't overdo it.
01:14:53It gives me great pleasure to be here.
01:14:58Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
01:14:59Now, I think it's time for you to meet our distinguished panel of judges...
01:15:03who, I am pleased to tell you, have given their services entirely free.
01:15:06Now, first of all, we have Miss Colotta Strong, principal of the Fercombe School of Ballroom Dancing, Miss Charleston, 1932.
01:15:19Second, Mr Alf Foggett, landlord of the Royal Oak. Alf.
01:15:29And finally, ladies and gentlemen, none other than Mr Roger Tipson, your own borosanitary engineer.
01:15:38And now, ladies and gentlemen, now comes the moment you've all been waiting for.
01:15:43The grand parade of all our lovely contestants, introduced to you by Mr Peter Potter.
01:15:56Our first contestant this afternoon is a young lady who is the present holder of the title, Miss Dairy Queen,
01:16:03Dawn Breaks.
01:16:18It reminds me of HMS Bristol.
01:16:21Thank you, Dawn.
01:16:23Next, we have a young lady who is a late, but nonetheless very welcome entrant to the contest, Miss Patricia
01:16:29Potter.
01:16:41Thank you, Miss Dairy Queen.
01:16:43Thank you, Miss Potter.
01:16:47Third, we have a very popular young lady who is the current holder of the title, Miss Easy Rider, Hope
01:16:54Springs.
01:17:01Thank you, Miss Dairy Queen.
01:17:03Thank you, Miss Dairy Queen.
01:17:07Thank you, Miss Dairy Queen.
01:17:28What's the matter with her? Has she got fleas or something?
01:17:32They all have.
01:17:37Well done, Section A.
01:17:40Get the next one on quick.
01:17:42Contestant plumber four, Geraldine Payne.
01:17:49Section B, commence downfall.
01:17:51Roger.
01:17:55That's more like it.
01:18:15What's happening there for Pete's night?
01:18:19Oh, you're poor!
01:18:41And now for a lady from Budden, London, Miss Susan Brooks!
01:18:54Oh, my God. Get the rest of them, I'm quick.
01:18:58Miss Eileen Denby!
01:19:01Miss Maureen Darcy!
01:19:10Miss Gloria Grein!
01:19:15Miss Maureen Barker!
01:19:20Miss Maureen Barker!
01:19:22Miss Marureen Barker!
01:19:25Miss Maureen Barker!
01:19:25Miss Maureen Barker!
01:19:27Some way to all sections, commence cloudburst!
01:19:31Miss Maureen Barker!
01:19:34Miss Maureen Barker!
01:19:42Miss Maureen Barker!
01:19:48Miss Maureen Barker!
01:19:52Miss Maureen Barker!
01:19:54Miss Maureen Barker!
01:19:56Miss Maureen Barker!
01:19:58Miss Maureen Barker!
01:19:59Miss Maureen Barker!
01:20:19Ladies and gentlemen, please, there is no need to panic.
01:20:23Now, if you'll all try and keep your feet, we will endeavor to find out what has gone wrong.
01:20:29Ladies and gentlemen, please!
01:20:31This is your player speaking to you!
01:20:35I know how terribly disappointed you must all be, but we mustn't take it together so!
01:20:43Now the pups! Abandon ship!
01:20:50It's all right, ladies and gentlemen. Keep your seat.
01:20:52Oh, shave off! It's a swindle!
01:20:55This is it! Come on, let's get it!
01:20:57It's all right. Goodbye.
01:21:08I'm married!
01:21:17Look at it! It's all right! It's all right!
01:21:19It's all right!
01:21:20Hey!
01:21:23Sid, wait for me!
01:21:32Oh, come on!
01:21:33Oh, no!
01:21:34Oh, no!
01:21:40Whoa!
01:21:41Hey!
01:21:41Hey!
01:21:46Ah!
01:21:47Hey!
01:21:49Hey!
01:21:49Hey!
01:21:50Oh!
01:21:51Hey!
01:21:52Hey!
01:21:53...
01:22:01Thanks, Sid. This will pay for all my hotel damages.
01:22:05Connie, love.
01:22:08Love, the crooked old clown.
01:22:18Look out. Stop!
01:22:24Wait! Wait for me!
01:22:27Stop that one! Stop that one!
01:22:30Somebody stop that one!
01:22:40Not bloody likely.
01:22:42Ha, ha, ha, ha!
01:22:45Ha, ha, ha, ha!
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