- 23 minutes ago
First broadcast 24th December 2013.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Phill Jupitus
Brendan O'Carroll
Imogen Hedges
Tristan Hedges
Tony Robinson
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jo Brand
Phill Jupitus
Brendan O'Carroll
Imogen Hedges
Tristan Hedges
Tony Robinson
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, hell is empty, all the devils are here,
00:07to quote Shakespeare.
00:08Welcome to the QI Christmas Show, otherwise known as the Feast of Stephen.
00:12Let's meet our merry players.
00:14Miss Scarlet, Joe Brand.
00:20And I know, Mr. Phil Duplicas.
00:34And the lead piping in the bathroom, Alan Davis.
00:43And the buzzers are adorable.
00:46Joe goes.
00:46Oh, come, let us adore him.
00:51Brendan goes.
00:52Oh, come, let us adore him.
00:56Phil goes.
00:57Oh, come, let us adore him.
01:02And Alan goes.
01:04We are friends, we are friends.
01:07And so to our first question.
01:12Ooh, you've been given a truly horrible sweater for Christmas.
01:16Oh, sorry, that's the question.
01:18What's the best way to get rid of it?
01:21Some comedic unravelling that they used to always do in films when I was little and Italian.
01:26You never see that joke anymore.
01:28There's always someone getting a thing and it's unravelling and they never know.
01:33That definitely would do it.
01:34That would do it.
01:35That would do it.
01:36Any other thoughts?
01:37Well, you can get in touch with the people at CERN who have been working on the Higgs boson.
01:42Yeah, which I feel sure will lead to time travel and then you can turn them back into sheep.
01:49Reversing time is a very good idea.
01:51That would do it.
01:52I know it's complex.
01:53Yeah.
01:53What would you do?
01:53Just say thank you very much and burn it.
01:57Everyone's a practical, positive solution.
01:59I'd do the same.
02:01I'd set fire to it, but I'd make sure my least favourite relative was trying it on.
02:09You could give it to charity.
02:10There was a lady who lived in Air Road.
02:12He used to donate three shorts, four shorts a week to charity.
02:16And then she'd go back and buy them back for 50p each because it was cheaper than leaving them into
02:21the cleaners.
02:25Well, the funny thing is, between you, you've oddly got near the truth of it.
02:30Unravel it whilst travelling through time.
02:33You sort of do the effect of travelling through time.
02:35If you take a sweater on a journey back through time, eventually it becomes a ball of wool.
02:40And is there a machine that can take a pullover and unravel it back into its constituent woolen parts?
02:48Or a scarf, for example.
02:49Why would you make such a thing?
02:51Why, indeed.
02:52We have the only person we know on the planet who has done it.
02:56Imogen Hedges, ladies and gentlemen.
03:00Hello, Imogen.
03:01Lovely to see you.
03:03Now, to explain ourselves, you're a student at?
03:07Kingston.
03:07I just graduated.
03:08And one of your projects was an un-knitting machine.
03:13And is this something you built yourself?
03:14Yeah.
03:15Which is fantastic.
03:16What a mind.
03:17Most people think, oh, I'll try and make something, but to un-make something, to go back in time.
03:22So, could you take, say, I'm a scarf and return it to a ball of wool?
03:26Yeah.
03:27Seriously?
03:27Oh, charming.
03:29Really.
03:30I mean, once you've unknitted it, can you knit it again?
03:33Yeah.
03:34She can do anything.
03:36Can we see your machine?
03:38There it is.
03:38And I believe that's your brother there.
03:40That's my brother.
03:40Tristan, give us away.
03:41My health assistant.
03:41Hello, Tristan.
03:42And he's going to be operating.
03:44It's pedal-powered.
03:45Yes, it's pedal-powered.
03:45Do they not have electricity in Kingston?
03:50Is the recession bitten that hard?
03:53It's like a wind-up radio.
03:55It's for use around the world.
03:56Can I ask a question?
03:57Has Tristan got a girlfriend?
04:01He's quite, he's, yeah.
04:04He's very huge, isn't he?
04:04One would, one feels.
04:10He's going to pedal the fast now, I tell you that.
04:16Stop it, stop it, stop it.
04:17Stop it.
04:18All right.
04:19It's not the other person, it's done.
04:20We've been plowing across the studio.
04:23See if you knit it.
04:25Stop it, stop it, stop it.
04:27Imogen, thanks very much.
04:28You take Scott away and we'll be looking at you.
04:34Oh, dear.
04:35I just, I just hate it when you two get all Christmassy like that.
04:40So, we'll be looking on her from time to time.
04:43Now, we're all loyal servants of Her Majesty here.
04:45What do you think the Queen's going to give you for Christmas this year?
04:49A message.
04:52She'll certainly be giving us all a message, that's true.
04:54Not a klaxon, I'm certain that'll be a klaxon.
04:56She should have been, shouldn't she?
04:56But it's true, though.
04:57For years, it's actually been a robot.
05:00She gives, she only gives things to people when they're a hundred.
05:03She gives Maundy money.
05:04She gives Maundy money on Maundy Thursday.
05:07Well, her staff, which is obviously extensive, used to be they could choose from a catalogue.
05:13Argos.
05:14Shit!
05:15And with value between, between, between 20 and 25 pounds, according to length of service.
05:22Between 20 and 25 pounds?
05:23That's a very small window.
05:24It is.
05:25It's not exactly.
05:2626.99.
05:27No.
05:28Too much.
05:30In 2006, it sort of changed.
05:32They all get the same thing as staff.
05:34These are Aquarius and butlers and so on.
05:36Obviously, a family and things is different.
05:37This is if you're a servant in some way.
05:39How many staff?
05:41Do you know, I don't have the number, but it's pretty enormous.
05:44You don't know?
05:44Sorry, I failed you, Brendan, on the first fence.
05:47Sick.
05:47I told you guys from the very heart of everything.
05:50I thought you would know every lightbulb in the palace.
05:52Damn it.
05:52But I'll just say a number and you'll believe me.
05:53Yes.
05:54There are over 4,000 lightbulbs in the palace, I can tell you that.
05:56My God.
05:57Pretty impressive, isn't it?
05:58That's some, Bill.
05:58Yep.
05:59Have you not met the Queen yet?
06:01Yes.
06:01She nudged me once quite, quite hard in the ribs.
06:04It was quite funny.
06:07She had her son's wedding to Camilla at Windsor Castle and she'd made this very funny speech.
06:14She'd got on a table.
06:15She'd stood on the table.
06:15She'd got on a table.
06:17Yeah, she'd stood on the table.
06:18She'd sort of pan but not.
06:19She'd stood on the chair and got on the table and then she'd made a very funny speech and she'd
06:22got down and she'd just minkled the bung over there.
06:23And I was chatting to someone and I got this rib.
06:25Is anybody going to give me cake?
06:29It's just brilliant.
06:32It's just brilliant.
06:33So I said, of course, ma'am, I'll give you some cake.
06:35It must be a dream.
06:36I've dreamed all of it.
06:38I know his son's mad and it's absolutely...
06:40I'm going outside for a fag.
06:42I was in the days I'd smoked and I'm afraid I was caught by a photographer.
06:45In the buttresses of the chapel in Windsor.
06:47In the buttresses of the chapel?
06:48In the buttresses of the chapel in Windsor.
06:49In my big top hat and everything, smoking a cigarette.
06:52Can we out the top of your hat?
06:53Can you take your woolly hats off now if you want to, if you're getting hot?
06:56Oh, I don't know.
06:57Do you like yours?
06:58Oh, I'm very hot.
06:59Pop it under the thingy, though.
07:01Shall I pop it under?
07:01Or you keep it on, which do they like?
07:05Let's see how Imogen is getting on, shall we?
07:07That would be rather fun.
07:08Imogen, have you started your machine?
07:10Yeah.
07:11Oh, there it is.
07:11Oh.
07:12And there's Tristan peddling away.
07:14Yes, indeed.
07:15That's fantastic.
07:17You're so shy now, I feel terrible.
07:19That is absolutely amazing.
07:21You can see it.
07:22It's absolutely unravelling before our eyes.
07:24Brilliant.
07:35I think they would have got it done eighties ago if Tristan wasn't quite so relaxed.
07:41Oh, no!
07:44Oh, no!
07:45Oh, no!
07:46Oh, no!
07:47Oh, no!
07:47Oh, no!
07:50Oh, no!
07:50Oh, no!
07:50Oh, no!
07:51Oh, no!
07:53Oh!
07:54I've got some water that's dry so you can lock them down.
07:57You wicked, wicked woman!
08:00As soon as they go on screen, Imogen is going to beat him.
08:04Is Tristan wearing corduroys so the heat generated by the whiff-whiff of the people
08:10is powering the kettle?
08:13He will be far as to the brother and sister team almost to death.
08:16Sorry, Imogen.
08:16Sorry.
08:17If he gets snagged up in that, he might get unravelled himself.
08:20He's just a whole human being being unravelled.
08:23I'm going to build one of those for next Christmas.
08:27You should.
08:29Thank you very much, Imogen and Tristan.
08:31Sorry about that.
08:32We'll let you replace it.
08:33It was not ruined.
08:34Let's go back to her madge.
08:36Now, the fact is, if you work for the Queen nowadays,
08:39you all get the same present instead of being able to choose from the catalogue.
08:42We've done a little sort of montage of them.
08:44Bottle of bubbly, silver plate.
08:462008 reflected the mood of financial restraint.
08:49It was just coasters.
08:50And in 2012, jubilee year, a special themed trinket box.
08:55You all get the same thing with monogrammed something, cigar box or whatever it was.
08:59You can't expect the woman to go down the high street shopping, can you?
09:03No.
09:03Especially not if she's in one of her cake frenzies.
09:08Look out!
09:10Dad!
09:12Dad!
09:13I have to pull her away from Greg's.
09:15Yeah.
09:17It takes three equerries.
09:21Or are they equerries?
09:22Or are they eclairs?
09:23Is that a cake?
09:24It's equerries.
09:27Any old way.
09:28Which of these looks most like Jesus?
09:33I'd say the toast has to be the best.
09:35The toast?
09:36The toast is certainly, well, we bow down.
09:38Yes?
09:39Any other thoughts?
09:41They look a bit westernised.
09:42As far as we're going for the Bible, he was a Jew, obviously, he was Jewish.
09:45And that, on the right, is what's known as a forensic reconstruction.
09:49Now, is there any truth to, it could be a myth, that you can tell Jewish people because
09:55their earlobes are higher than their nose?
09:57Well, I'm Jewish.
09:58My mother's Jewish, so that makes me fully Jewish.
10:00Is my earlobe higher than my nose?
10:02It's very hard to tell with your nose.
10:03Yeah.
10:05Well, as my grandfather used to say, and he was Jewish, you know, you know why we have
10:09big noses?
10:10Air is free!
10:11Oh, is it?
10:15What specifically are we looking for?
10:17Well, you know, I mean, it's basically images of Jesus.
10:20It's very extraordinarily difficult to know.
10:21The Bible, obviously, doesn't furnish us with a description of him.
10:24Is there no description at all?
10:25We just know he was a Jewish man who lived at a particular time.
10:27And that's the best that forensic people can do, given that that's the sort of average,
10:33you know.
10:34But one very Christmassy person we do know more clearly the features of, because unlike
10:42Jesus, we have the skull.
10:44Who is that?
10:45Saint Nicholas.
10:46Saint Nicholas.
10:46And what can you tell me about the real life Saint Nicholas?
10:49Well, there was about three of them.
10:50Right.
10:51One was Roman, and then he used to throw coins in the windows of poor people.
10:56And another was Russian, I think.
10:59And he would collect firewood, and he'd carve things out of the firewood, and he would leave
11:04them around the village for children.
11:07And then the most famous one of all, of course, is the Coca-Cola Santa.
11:14Well, the canonical Saint Nicholas is actually from Lycia, L-Y-C-I-A, which is part of Asia
11:20Minor, which is now Iran.
11:23No, Asia Minor is Turkey.
11:25Close.
11:26So...
11:27LAUGHTER
11:27What subject is there?
11:29Who was the bloke before, then?
11:31Well, the bloke before is the facial reconstruction on the basis of a skull.
11:35Right.
11:35He was a bishop, and the story is that he gave money to young girls, daughters of people
11:41of his episcopacy...
11:43Did he wait for the BBC?
11:50He paid the parents of the girls in order to stop them...
11:56I bet he did.
11:56...in order to stop them becoming prostitutes.
12:00And he is, therefore, the patron saint of prostitutes.
12:03Which is nice that they have.
12:05And it's easy that there's a patron saint of times.
12:07I'm very pleased.
12:08I think it's good.
12:10Did he have a hairdresser with OCD, then?
12:14Look at it.
12:15And also quite a sort of thick, broken nose, which he could have got.
12:20People believe he fought with a heretic at Nicaea, where they had a famous...
12:24More likely, did it, coming down a chimney, though?
12:26LAUGHTER
12:27Coming down a chimney.
12:28Or being beaten up by the Emperor Diocletian.
12:31And what's his era?
12:33It's about the 4th century, I think, AD.
12:35Well, when did Santa Claus become Santa Claus?
12:38Well, the idea that he was the patron saint of children caught on...
12:41...and became the patron saint of sailors, children and prostitutes.
12:46It's a good group.
12:47It's a good group.
12:49It's a good demographic.
12:50It's a good portfolio.
12:51It's a good demographic, yeah.
12:52Sailors and prostitutes is a very difficult combination.
12:55Absolutely.
12:56I just love the idea that he's the patron saint of prostitutes...
12:59...and then a child goes,
13:00I love you, Santa.
13:01Shut up, baby, I know it.
13:03LAUGHTER
13:05I've never, ever kissed.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:10He's, he's, he's...
13:11He was, um, by the Dutch...
13:14LAUGHTER
13:19The Dutch called him Sinterklaas.
13:21But where does the modern depiction of Father Christmas
13:24where the red and white beard come from?
13:27Ah, this is where I could get my first screen.
13:30Coca-Cola.
13:31Mmm, you're not getting a klaxon, but...
13:35Because it was certainly reinforced by Coca-Cola in the 1930s.
13:38But there are plenty of images from the 1890s of Father Christmas
13:41in red and white with a white beard.
13:43Now, Santa rewards good little boys and girls,
13:46but what happens to the bad ones?
13:48There is a culture not far from us, pretty related to us,
13:51where they really, really go a long way
13:54towards celebrating this anti-Father Christmas.
13:57Waterboarding.
13:58Who has a name.
14:00I'm a slightly older, waterboarding.
14:03I shall waterboard all the bad children.
14:06Yeah.
14:07This is surprisingly close to waterboarding, what they do.
14:11LAUGHTER
14:14Snowboarding would be OK.
14:16A ducking stool?
14:17We're talking about Germany, and they have a character.
14:19Do they drown them?
14:20They have a figure.
14:20No, they don't actually drown them.
14:22But their threats are pretty medieval.
14:26There he is.
14:27Does anybody know the name of this character?
14:29It's several names, but in German,
14:31he's mostly known as Krampus.
14:35I don't know who he is, but with a tongue like that,
14:37he's not a patron saint of prostitutes.
14:38No.
14:39He's also known as Schmutzli.
14:42And Santa gives good gifts to children, to good children.
14:45Krampus punishes naughty ones.
14:47Include pulling hair.
14:49Simple.
14:49It's not that bad.
14:50Swatting with chains.
14:52Quite bad.
14:53Yeah.
14:54Pulling hair, swat with chains.
14:56Leading naughty children off a cliff.
14:59Which is right.
15:00He'd obviously have to fly to be able to get back and do it again.
15:03I think I went to that school.
15:05Putting them in a sack and taking them to his fiery lair.
15:08It sort of explains why German children are so well-behaved.
15:11You like fiery lairs.
15:12That can be fun.
15:13It can be.
15:14Mummy used to say.
15:16When is this practiced?
15:18Christmas Eve?
15:19No.
15:20Is it on their birthdays?
15:21For extra ironies?
15:23No, it's December the 5th.
15:25The 5th is when Schmutzli or Krampus from the German Krampus.
15:29And that's the kind of figure he presents.
15:31And they terrify children, you should imagine.
15:32They run down the whips and they threaten children and glare at them.
15:36It is a peculiar way to treat children at Christmas time.
15:39But I suppose it has produced a nation of extremely efficient and obedient citizens who now rule Europe.
15:44So maybe we've been missing something.
15:47Now, why is Santa off the rich list?
15:53Poor Santa.
15:55Cutbacks.
15:57Austerity drive.
15:58Austerity drive.
15:59Only works one day a year.
16:00Only works one day a year.
16:02He used to be on the rich list.
16:04He used to be on it until 2006.
16:06Forbes magazine.
16:07Famously invented, virtually, the idea of a rich list.
16:10Is there something wrong?
16:10Yes, young Brendan.
16:13Is it because he may not be real?
16:22Yes!
16:26I'm glad you didn't have it.
16:30Thank you!
16:32Thank you!
16:33Oh, poor Jill!
16:36Poor Jill!
16:40That got a klaxon, so that can't be right.
16:45Don't worry, back again.
16:49Yeah!
16:52Oh, little soul!
16:56To the Forbes magazine genuinely publishes a fictional rich list.
17:03And Samples used to be on it, because they reckon he must be infinitely rich, because he is able to
17:08distribute presents every year to all the children of the world, they said.
17:12I don't believe he does.
17:13I don't know why they...
17:14Ritchie Rich?
17:15That's Ritchie Rich, of course.
17:16Scrooge, I guess, on the left.
17:17Father Christmas himself in the United Centre.
17:19The late Bernard Manning on the right?
17:23Can you name, I've got the top five, name any in the top five that you imagine might be on
17:28the rich list.
17:28Real people are imaginary ones.
17:29No, fictional, that's the point.
17:30Scrooge Macduck.
17:32No, but his great rival.
17:34If you can remember his name, you will get lots of points.
17:36Tony Stark out of Iron Man.
17:38Yes, he's number five.
17:39Come on.
17:40Absolutely right!
17:42Absolutely right!
17:44Yes, 9.3 billion, apparently.
17:46Number four is from a black-and-white TV show, with a wonderful Ulf Scruggs banjo opening theme song.
17:51Oh, the Beverly Hillbillies.
17:53The Beverly Hillbillies.
17:54Sorry, Clampett, Jethro Clampett.
17:55Jed Clampett, I'll give you the points of that.
17:57He comes in at number four, and they're worth 9.8 billion.
18:01So, number three, Carlisle Cullen from The Twilight Saga, is worth 36.3 billion, apparently.
18:07Wow, dude!
18:08From investments.
18:09But number two is the enemy of Scrooge Macduck.
18:13Good one.
18:19Flintheart Glomgold, is his name.
18:22Flintheart Glomgold.
18:22Flintheart Glomgold.
18:24Flintheart Glomgold.
18:25And number one, played Benedict Cumberbatch.
18:28Benedict.
18:29The richest fictional creature in the world.
18:33Human are they now in the audience?
18:35Smaug.
18:37Smaug.
18:38Flintheart Glomgold in The Hobbit.
18:4062 billion dollars worth of gold he sits upon.
18:44Until, of course, he...
18:44Well, I'm not going to tell you the ending.
18:46Because I haven't seen it.
18:47Don't spoil it.
18:47But why is Santa taken off?
18:49Because surely he must be really rich to give everyone a present.
18:52It's a very simple reason.
18:54Tax evasion.
18:55Not tax evasion.
18:57It's the usual answer.
18:58Because it's a fictional list.
19:00And he's real.
19:01And Santa is real.
19:15Santa is real.
19:16Oh, you've spooled it back up.
19:19He's turning slowly.
19:21Oh, he's doing two tasks now.
19:23Very good.
19:24He's balling it.
19:25He's going it back into a ball.
19:26It actually doesn't just unravel it.
19:28It balls it up as well.
19:29Look at that.
19:30Balls it up.
19:30Sorry.
19:33Beautifully.
19:33Look at how cunning that little thing is.
19:36The way it moves.
19:37The little shuttly.
19:37He's called Tristan, Stephen.
19:48Imogen, what do you call that sort of unit that winds it up?
19:53My brother.
19:55Did you design the way that it moves like that so that it could...
19:58The little tiny thing.
19:59Yeah.
19:59That's from eBay.
20:06I think British industry in the future has nothing to fear.
20:10We're going to do well.
20:11We're going to win over the world.
20:12Congratulations.
20:13We'll come back to you when that ball is complete.
20:15That's brilliant.
20:16Now, how can a Christmas tree get you into trouble?
20:20Grass you up.
20:23Very good.
20:23Very good.
20:23Falling needles.
20:24Falling needles.
20:25A disposal.
20:27Drying out.
20:28Drying out.
20:28And the chances of fire would fall over.
20:31That catch pulled out over.
20:32And giving an elderly relative brain damage.
20:36You do need to know this.
20:38We're talking about the once beloved institution.
20:41The giant magnificent cultural gift to the world.
20:44The Norwegian one.
20:45It is the BBC.
20:46Oh.
20:47And the BBC now, of course, is so open that you can literally look up everyone who works with it
20:51and see how much their salary is.
20:53In the old days they, of course, all had a personnel file.
20:57And there was a figure from another institution, far more sinister even than the BBC.
21:03Broadmoor.
21:04Not Broadmoor.
21:06MI5 is the right answer.
21:07And if they thought anyone who worked for the BBC was...
21:10Gay.
21:11Communist.
21:12Dodgy.
21:12Communist.
21:13Subversive.
21:14They would ask them to join immediately.
21:18There would be a symbol put onto their personnel file.
21:22Really?
21:22Which resembled a Christmas tree.
21:24That's if you were dodgy.
21:25Would it look like that?
21:26Oh.
21:27And...
21:27Oh, no.
21:29The reason people thought it might be a Christmas tree was...
21:32Do you know what the German for Christmas tree is?
21:34Um...
21:34Oh.
21:35Tannenbaum.
21:36Do you know the tune of the song?
21:37Oh, Tannenbaum.
21:39Oh, Tannenbaum.
21:39Oh, Tannenbaum.
21:41Dine...
21:41Bo...
21:42Yeah, that's right.
21:43Exactly.
21:44Christmas tree, Christmas tree, which is also the tune to...
21:47The Cowards Clinch.
21:49And Traitor Sneer.
21:50We'll keep the red flag.
21:53The red flag.
21:53The red flag.
21:54Exactly.
21:55And people thought...
21:56Yes, power to the people.
21:57Are you...
21:58Can I just do my version of the red flag?
22:00Yeah, go on.
22:01Neil Kinnock's hair is deepest red, though most of it's not on his hair.
22:07Brilliant.
22:08Bless him.
22:10You would have laughed.
22:11You would have laughed.
22:11You would have laughed.
22:13You would have laughed.
22:13Yes, actually.
22:14Did it mean that you were a respected communist?
22:16It isn't actually the reason that it's the Tannenbaum red flag.
22:20It's just a pure coincidence.
22:21People thought it looked like a Christmas tree, called it the Christmas tree.
22:23But the two arrows...
22:25It's actually just two arrows.
22:26The two arrows mean refer upstairs.
22:27So if anyone was thought to...
22:29For promotion, you saw their personnel file, you'd have to go up to a senior person and
22:33say, this person...
22:34I'm up for promotion.
22:37Hannah Fall had one of those on her, the newsreader then.
22:40Dimey.
22:40Yeah, and it was because she'd once, you know, had as a boyfriend a communist.
22:44Which is...
22:45What?
22:45Free society!
22:46I know.
22:48There you go.
22:49The BBC used Christmas trees to keep lefties off the telly.
22:52The practice stopped in 1985.
22:54And sure enough, they're everywhere!
22:56Here!
22:57Now, historic moment.
22:59Baa!
23:00Baa!
23:01Baa!
23:02Baa!
23:06Baa!
23:07Baa!
23:07Baa!
23:08Baa!
23:08Baa!
23:08Baa!
23:09Are we melting?
23:10Are we Colonel Lair?
23:11Well, it's for me!
23:12It's for you!
23:13And who is that there on the screen?
23:15Tony Robinsons.
23:16Tony Robinsons.
23:17And there is Tony Robinsons, Aldrick, who's about to come on.
23:21But in the First World War, are you probably knowing and we've covered before, there was
23:25a Christmas football truce.
23:27Truce, yes.
23:29But what happened later, in 1915, was that because football had been banned on
23:35christmas day a soldier smuggled into the trench a football was deflated so that he could no one
23:41would spot it and then he blew it up before the battle of loose and in the morning when the
23:47whistle
23:47blew to commence the offensive he threw it out of the trench shouting play up london irish because
23:55it was from the london irish regiment which i'm sure you'll be aware of great regiment and they
24:01found the football when they got to the german trench they kept it and it so happens a member
24:08of that london irish happens to be called tony robinson is therefore always called baldrick
24:13by his fellow and he has brought that football along today
24:17wow
24:40darling take that man that man's name
24:45this really is attorney the football it is and isn't it just where is it kept it's kept in the
24:50museum which is now down in camberwell at the london irish rifles is it called the london irish
24:54regiment or the london regiment is it we're d company london irish rifles of the london regiment
24:59right d company and it's still an active regiment in the british army and we have some of your
25:06your fellow soldiers over here if you'd like to stand up here they are
25:12thank you
25:13thank you
25:13thank you for your voice
25:17they're all recently back from helman province in afghanistan and they're wearing combat uniform
25:24but most noticeable is the how do you say cabine which you must not call a beret i believe and
25:30can any of you tell me what is distinctive about that particular piece of head joy we shall call
25:37it as opposed to various other british pain in the ass in the cinema
25:41well yeah
25:43this is different from other people behind those lads of that fold now they stood up
25:56they were on the opposite side it's the only one with the cat badge on the right this is a
26:01very
26:01historic year for irish soldiers tell me why well last may all irish soldiers who deserted the irish
26:22army in both first world war and second world war periods and joined the british army to fight for
26:29uh the british army were granted a pardon that is extraordinary isn't it well it's too late now i'm
26:34dead almost all of them almost all of them are dead but it was it was true wasn't it that
26:38if you were
26:38irish and anti-fascist say yeah and you wanted to fight for the allies against germany and so you
26:42joined the british army it was considered by the irish government that you were a traitor correct you
26:47got no pension you couldn't work for the government no and yeah you could barely go home and yeah yeah
26:52it was a great cartoon and it was two irish guys fighting for the british army in the trenches and
26:58devil era was the president of orland at the time and the two boys were there with ducking the bullets
27:02and
27:02one said the other said well fair play to devil era he kept us out of this
27:06that's very good that's very good so thank you very much and please sit down members of d
27:10company thank you so much anyway um baldry sir i've never seen you looking better
27:20yeah i did i mean you're still an absolute disaster of a human being
27:24thank you so much for bringing me lunch um i'm not very hungry you can take it away
27:30thank you very much
27:41so yeah that football you've just seen was kicked right across no man's land by rifleman frank edwards
27:47and the london irish in 1915 and our thanks to rifleman tony baldrig robinson so it's time for a
27:52christmas drink i think so take a glass each of you there you go and all i want to know
27:59from you
28:00is which ones you should use at christmas you've got a drink you can pour them pour out your drink
28:05then it's holy it's not about the capacity it's about the shape oh i just say as an ex-nurse
28:13that
28:13looks like someone with cystitis
28:20i think whereas i have had one barocca to me
28:26suspiciously like iron brew actually the colour isn't it maybe um no it's like this
28:31oh right the issue is not for a psychologist who assists heston blumenthal in fact um has studied
28:37extensively the effect of one of our sense organs on food and drink it's not the tongue what do you
28:45think it is it's a field no not the field eyes the eyes so much more of our mental processing
28:51exactly
28:52goes with our eyes and he has discovered remarkable things by observing people uh um who don't know
28:58they're being watched is that you drink more quickly out of curved glass because you're not
29:03aware of how much there is and also you drink more quickly with loud music playing and you drink
29:09more quickly if you're an alcoholic and if you're an alcoholic you don't care what drink the glass is
29:13you drink from the bottle i find you drink much more quickly if you've had three drinks already
29:17there is that but there are also many other extraordinary things about colour and sight which
29:24influence food which are quite startling which this same professor has discovered his name is charles
29:30spence um the colour of a plate can affect the taste of food so if you for example have a
29:36strawberry
29:36mousse served on a white plate it tastes more flavourful and sweeter than the same thing on a black plate
29:43nearly everything does a chef prefers to serve on a white plate because it entails what you're going to
29:48check it somehow does exactly the restaurants have all got a bit weird like the food serves to me on
29:54uh planks on yes on health plate slight yes a blue box like links and please wash the bird shit
30:01off it
30:03but that was the sauce in the it was that's the plumetone a little squeeze of sparrows
30:11i always put my mayonnaise through a pigeon before i
30:16i didn't eat in the jamie oliver ones they they hang them on the wall and offer them for sale
30:20afterwards
30:21the pigeons would you know the plaques
30:24i think that's crap about stuff tasting it is worse off black plates
30:30i think it's racist towards plates
30:33that's true
30:34let's have a taste challenge
30:36we wish we would move on though but there are various other things for example
30:39um it is as you rightly say the cortical real estate as it were taken up by vigil is much
30:45much more than
30:45did i say that?
30:46well you didn't say quite like that but you kind of know
30:51wine doesn't taste as nice in a mug
30:53wine no that's very true and i think tea tastes doesn't taste good out of them
30:57it's because of the amount of air you take in
30:59yes that's probably true isn't it
31:01no no no it is true
31:02yes no
31:11it's the thinness of the glass it's the amount of air you're taking as you sip
31:16if you like tea just make one cup in a glass and try the tea out of a glass
31:20it is delicious
31:21absolutely
31:21because it minimizes
31:23my wife likes a thin mug
31:25well that's your own business
31:27but i'm just saying
31:29laughter
31:31laughter
31:33laughter
31:33laughter
31:34laughter
31:35i believe it
31:35i don't take it so much
31:36laughter
31:37i'm getting a pummeling off these things
31:40laughter
31:40it is
31:42it is
31:42it is
31:42who thought that fry and carol would be a doubler?
31:46laughter
31:47well that's why they taste why and they go
31:49yeah that's right
31:50to get the
31:50to maximize the air to get in
31:52but
31:53is that your phone?
31:54yes
31:55laughter
31:58laughter
32:02it has to
32:03laughter
32:05i am so sorry
32:06i am so sorry
32:08i am so sorry
32:08i am so sorry
32:08i really did
32:09i didn't even know i had that on me
32:11laughter
32:12very good
32:13anyway
32:13now
32:14let's test your beer goggles as it were
32:16we have a man in the audience
32:17who's just going to hold up a picture
32:18and i want you to tell me
32:19who's that of?
32:21Marilyn Monroe
32:21Marilyn Monroe
32:22yeah
32:23you can see the picture behind you there
32:24Marilyn Monroe
32:25now
32:26Sam walk towards us if you be kind enough
32:28i don't think
32:28i wouldn't
32:29i thought
32:30i think it's supposed to look like her
32:32but i'm suspicious
32:34Albert Einstein
32:35Albert Einstein
32:36holy crap
32:37it is
32:38it is rather extraordinary
32:39it's both
32:40they're related
32:40no
32:43they were in the same room
32:44you'd hardly imagine
32:46they would be
32:47would you
32:48i think Marilyn Monroe
32:49did have quite a bad facial hair problem
32:51laughter
32:53it's
32:54from a distance
32:56the image does look like Marilyn Monroe
32:57because what they do
32:58it's created by the MIT
33:00this illusion
33:01the Massachusetts Institute of Technology
33:03they remove Marilyn's fine-grained features
33:07like wrinkles and little blemishes
33:09and they remove Einstein's coarser features
33:12like the shape of his mouth and nose
33:13and then they superimpose the two
33:15and from a distance
33:16we see all the just the broader strokes
33:18you see her
33:19Marilyn Monroe
33:20and close up
33:21we see the fine details of Albert Einstein
33:23and we've done another version
33:25just to show this really does work
33:26it's not just Marilyn
33:29who's that?
33:30handsome man
33:31that's Stephen Fry
33:32that's me
33:33that's me
33:34that's me
33:34hooray
33:34and if you come towards us
33:37hello
33:37hello
33:40hello
33:41hello
33:42yay
33:45how about that
33:49oh yeah look at that
33:50you have to be that close
33:53that's fantastic
33:53isn't that it is an extraordinary illusion
33:55I hope they've done two of them
33:56so we can have one each
33:56in our bedrooms
33:57yeah I want one in my house
33:58what distance do you want it though?
33:59I want to be far away from it
34:06toss you for it
34:10thank you very much indeed
34:12thanks our pizza bearers
34:13and thank you Albert and Marilyn
34:22so the take home message tonight is
34:24don't trust your eyes
34:25even when you're sober
34:26in fact you probably shouldn't really trust anything
34:28but we've just come to that
34:29bit which we call general ignorance
34:30so fingers on buzzers
34:31very quick
34:32once
34:32what year was Jesus born?
34:35yes Brendan
34:36F.I.O.B.C.
34:37ooh
34:37is not the right answer
34:39damn closely
34:40four
34:40no
34:42three
34:42no
34:44two
34:45no
34:46other direction
34:47eight
34:47six
34:48yes
34:49ah
34:49he was born six years before Christ
34:52well done David
34:53how crazy is that?
34:55now how do we know?
34:57somebody told us
35:00it's the only authority we could possibly have
35:02there's a book about him
35:03come on
35:03doesn't give the date though
35:05there is
35:05it's been worked out
35:06by the only man we've ever been able to call
35:08certainly for
35:09over a thousand years I think
35:11Pope Emeritus
35:12who is he?
35:14Emeritus
35:14what does Emeritus mean?
35:16an ex-Pope
35:16an ex-Pope
35:17is there an ex-Pope in the world?
35:18we've got one now
35:19we have
35:20Benedict
35:20he didn't phone him
35:22he's Pope Emeritus Benedict the 16th
35:24where did you get
35:24his holiness
35:25wrote a book
35:27with the
35:27with the catchy title
35:29Jesus of Nazareth
35:30the infancy narratives
35:32and the calculation made by
35:34Dionysius
35:36Exiguus
35:36which is basically Latin for Dennis the Small
35:38um
35:39which the modern dating system is based
35:41was wrong by several years he says
35:43and so he puts the date
35:44at 6 BC
35:45which you eventually got to
35:46Alan in your usual method
35:47er
35:48what was the year before
35:501 AD?
35:52yes Joan
35:53not
35:54oh
35:55dear oh dear oh dear oh dear
35:57no
35:58hooray
35:59yeah
36:00well done
36:01much admired
36:041 BC
36:05is the right answer
36:06oh I was gonna
36:07ah
36:08you're right
36:09it went from December the 31st
36:111 BC
36:11to
36:121st of January
36:131 AD
36:14the BCAD scheme for some reason
36:16doesn't have a zero
36:17anyway
36:17here's an obviously easy one
36:19is zero an odd number
36:20or an even number
36:21it's not a number
36:23oh it is a number
36:24I give up
36:25no that's
36:25it's an interesting thought
36:29yes
36:31so it is one of them
36:33now
36:33hang on
36:35it's even
36:35yes
36:36yes
36:37oh
36:37oh
36:40all criteria by which you judge an even number
36:43it is even
36:43an even number is divisible
36:45by 2
36:46without leaving a remainder
36:47well
36:480 over 2
36:49is 0
36:50with no remainder
36:51or
36:51it's a number that ends in 0
36:532
36:534 6 or 8
36:54well 0 obviously ends in 0
36:56because it is 0
36:56also it has either side of it
36:58minus 1 and 1
36:59which are both odd numbers
37:00our maths elf
37:01at Q
37:02I think this is the easiest question that's ever been asked
37:04on QI
37:05yeah
37:05yeah
37:06take away my glory now
37:07I'll get my maths
37:09the easiest question that's ever been asked
37:11but he is a maths elf
37:12the sun isn't there
37:13I had that about 4 years ago
37:15and I'm looking at it and it's not there
37:17but this is a
37:20and the maths people are odd
37:22and the maths people are odd
37:22and the maths people are odd
37:23I'm so sorry Phil
37:25I got it wrong
37:29that's true what does that put you
37:30now who wants to see one of my knick-knacks
37:33my first knick-knack is for you to do
37:36I want you to create some extraordinary magical Christmasy things
37:41using the power of chemistry alone
37:43and chemistry let's not forget means magic
37:46alchemet
37:47alchemet
37:47the magic
37:48so
37:49Stephen are we going to make a seasonal meth lab?
37:52maybe
37:54take out your little chemistry lab
37:56you have to put on your gloves I'm afraid
37:57for health and safety reasons
37:58oh the gloves are cool
37:59while you're doing yours
38:00because yours takes a bit of time
38:02as you'll see you pour one
38:03what are we doing?
38:04you pour the contents of your smaller
38:06into the larger
38:07aha the usual
38:08yeah
38:09what it is
38:09so let me get this straight
38:12we're providing a sample
38:13no
38:16now you actually turn brown
38:17put the lid on
38:19and then we just swirl
38:20and just swirl
38:21gently sort of
38:22twist
38:23and
38:24and swirl
38:25and you need to do that for about two minutes
38:27just not too violently
38:28just that
38:28it's lovely
38:29while you're doing that
38:30I'll just do my demonstration
38:32of using
38:33dry ice
38:34which as we know
38:35always makes a marvellous reaction with water
38:37what are the chances of us being busted by the feds while we're doing this?
38:42I've got this
38:42I've got this
38:43look at this
38:44oh
38:45I've got this
38:46oh
38:47it was panic
38:49oh
38:49love some of that
38:51okay now it's going to be quite a violent reaction to this as I'm sure you've all seen
38:54dry ice as they call it going into it and I've got here this is sort of bubble you know
38:58I don't know where that's going
38:59so what we're trying to do is make little
39:01little smoky bubbles
39:02that's a sort of Christmasy effect
39:04yeah
39:04god I hope I can get the lid on in time
39:06oh
39:06woo
39:07woo
39:08woo
39:08woo
39:09woo
39:10woo
39:10woo
39:12woo
39:12woo
39:13woo
39:13woo
39:13woo
39:14woo
39:14woo
39:14woo
39:14woo
39:15woo
39:15woo
39:16woo
39:16woo
39:16woo
39:17woo
39:17woo
39:17woo
39:18woo
39:18woo
39:19woo
39:19woo
39:19woo
39:20woo
39:30woo
39:31woo
39:31woo
39:32woo
39:33woo
39:33woo
39:33woo
39:34woo
39:34Oh!
39:35Smoky bubble!
39:36Oh!
39:37Smoky bubble!
39:38Oh!
39:38Smoky bubble!
39:39Oh!
39:43There we are.
39:44Whoa!
39:45Huh?
39:46I've gone completely...
39:49...reflective.
39:49Oh, there you are!
39:50Look at, you've made a bauble!
39:52Look at that!
39:53You've made a bauble because your little experiment, invented by Mr. Tollens,
39:58is one of the things he used was silver nitrate,
40:01the same thing used in film photography.
40:03And that is silver.
40:04Wow!
40:05You've got this beautiful silver bauble that you've made just by mixing those two chemicals.
40:09I've just seen myself.
40:10I didn't realise that I looked like Last Christmas by Weight Watchers Whan.
40:17It's ridiculous.
40:18But it is all cabinet.
40:19It is very beautiful, isn't it?
40:21Gorgeous.
40:22And they used to use exactly that for lining the inside of thermos flasks.
40:25You know how they're silvered on the inside.
40:27Oh, that's lovely.
40:28And mirrors.
40:29And there it is.
40:30You've made your own little homemade silver ball.
40:32And I've finished my little bubbles.
40:34And there we are.
40:35Cool, man.
40:36So, there's only one last thing to check.
40:39Has anyone got any worries?
40:43There's just one last thing to check.
40:45What's happened to Alan's grand scarf?
40:48Imogen, what do you have for us?
40:49There it is!
40:51Literally!
40:51Oh, my God.
40:52Oh, my God.
40:53Oh, my God.
40:54Oh, my God.
40:54Oh, my God.
40:54Oh, my God.
40:57Oh, my God.
40:59Oh, my God.
40:59Oh, my God.
41:01Oh, my God.
41:02Brilliant invention.
41:04I hope they gave you first class with honours and...
41:06They didn't.
41:08Oh, my God.
41:16Oh, my God.
41:18Oh, my God.
41:37That brings us to the little and not inconsequential matter of the Christmas scores and they are very interesting
41:45I'm afraid in last place though. It is his first appearance and unfortunately his phone went off which may have
41:50cost him some points
41:52In last place with a very creditable minus 19 is Brendan O'Carroll
42:07With minus nine Joe Brand
42:14In Santa's second place with minus six Alan Davis
42:24For the Christmasy winner with plus three is Phil Jupiter
42:39So that's it from Brendan, Phil, Terry, Alan and me. Merry Christmas to you all, everywhere. Bye bye
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