- 22 minutes ago
First broadcast 13th December 2013.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jason Manford
Richard Osman
Victoria Wood
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jason Manford
Richard Osman
Victoria Wood
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:03And welcome to QI, where tonight we're looking at everything in the kitchen but the sink.
00:09Joining me at the breakfast bar, cooking with gas, Jason Manford.
00:18Sharp as a knife, Victoria Wood.
00:25Faintless as a spoon, Richard Osman.
00:31And I got this fork off Alan Davis.
00:41Let's hear your pingers.
00:44Jason goes.
00:48And Victoria goes.
00:52Richard goes.
00:55And Alan goes.
01:03We're having a kitchen supper tonight.
01:06Which of the following do you fancy?
01:08Take me through these lovely dishes.
01:12They're all real.
01:14Is the buttock tongue Marks and Spencer's buttock tongue?
01:18It's your buttock tongue.
01:21Welcome tongue.
01:22Well, I'd be careful when I say that.
01:24If you just take the last three letters off tongue, you get?
01:28Oh, so like a bil-tong?
01:30Bil-tong is right.
01:31It's a hindquarters tongue, which sounds weird, but that's what it is.
01:34Bil-tong.
01:35Have you ever had bil-tong?
01:35No, a vegetarian.
01:37Ah.
01:39Neil Allen.
01:41I don't need a vegetarian too.
01:42Is bil-tong not vegetarian?
01:43No, it's usually sold as ostrich bil-tong or dik-dik bil-tong or some.
01:50I know some other animal.
01:52But they found in 2013, a very recent study, that two-thirds was incorrectly labelled.
01:57So horse bil-tong turned out to be beef bil-tong.
02:00And you believe it.
02:01Disgusting.
02:03It's a revolting idea.
02:04I think if you're eating that, I don't think you have to worry about what animal it's come from.
02:09What is it?
02:11The bottom?
02:11It's dry.
02:12Well, it's the dried hindquarters.
02:13But it's called tongue, I think because it's the shape of a tongue in the way that it's dried,
02:17rather than it comes from a tongue.
02:19Bil-tong.
02:20Buttock.
02:20So does it have the actual...
02:22The hindquarters, which are buttocks on an animal.
02:25But does it have the arsehole in it?
02:26No.
02:29That's it not.
02:31Has it got a tube?
02:31Yeah, they save that for hot dogs and pork pies.
02:35So you can have beef, horse, impala, wildebeest, elan, giraffe and kangaroo built on.
02:41Apparently.
02:42Very nice.
02:42So that's a good one.
02:43You started.
02:45Kleptiko.
02:46That's a menu in a Greek restaurant, isn't it?
02:48Yes, kleptiko.
02:49Exactly.
02:49It does exist.
02:50And it was originally called kleptiko, which might give you a hint.
02:54Klept.
02:56Kleptomaniac.
02:57Kleptos is a thief.
02:58And it was anti-Ottoman Empire bandits.
03:00Who lived in the hills.
03:02And they made up this dish.
03:03So it was named after them.
03:04It's a thieves dish.
03:06It's quite elaborate for a person to be doing.
03:09They were.
03:10You should see their souffles.
03:13Actually, souffles brings us all the nuns' farts.
03:17When you pop one.
03:21Why specifically a nuns, though?
03:22I mean.
03:23Nuns' farts smell like souffle.
03:24Keep up.
03:29Just giving you that.
03:30When he gives you one.
03:31Give it here.
03:32Grab it.
03:32Take notice.
03:34A lot of French dishes have, or indeed European dishes, have their pump and nickel is a devil's
03:38fart.
03:39Pump and pump, fart, nickel, old Nick.
03:42And that's a bread.
03:43So they have rude names.
03:44And there's a, isn't there a cheese which is a angel's tits or something like that?
03:49You can tell which ones are farting from their tamed expressions.
03:52All that's had the cast of Dad's Army on it.
03:55I think out of them all there, I'd go, I'd say, she's definitely had a, she's definitely
03:59farted and the rest don't know yet.
04:01Look at the smile.
04:02Look at the smile on her face.
04:06That's a massive ball and they all just put their faces through.
04:13Nuns' farts are little balls of pastry deep fried and they puff up.
04:16They're also called whores' farts or Spanish farts in French.
04:19Pets, nuns.
04:20Pets is fart in French.
04:23These days they've disappointed me being renamed as nuns' puffs.
04:28Possibly puffs.
04:29I don't know how to say it.
04:31Bishops' stuff.
04:32Bishops' stuff.
04:34Well, pocket soup.
04:36How could you put soup in your pocket?
04:38It's crazy, right?
04:39It is.
04:39It's insane.
04:40There must be a way.
04:42This actually is soup that has been...
04:45Solidified?
04:46Yes.
04:47Reduced.
04:48Reduced.
04:48Into a sort of, basically an early version of a stock cube.
04:53Oh, right.
04:53And then you reconstituted them by adding boiling water.
04:55As you do with your classic stock.
04:57But why would you put it in your pocket?
04:58To travel to work?
05:00Keep your hands free.
05:00But you know when you leave like a fiver in your pocket when you put it in the wash?
05:04Yes.
05:04That'd be awful if you left some pocket soup in your...
05:09The whole wash would come back as consomme of them.
05:14Most unfortunate.
05:15Uh, treacle.
05:16Treacle.
05:16The anti-venereal treacle.
05:18When I lick it off.
05:22You're right.
05:23It sold much better than pro-venereal treacle, didn't it?
05:27It really did, yes.
05:29The two great treacles, yeah.
05:32The word treacle has had an interesting history.
05:34It now means...
05:35It used to mean any sort of medicine, didn't it?
05:38Or any sort of...
05:39Even without a computer in front of you, you're good.
05:42That is...
05:43Oh, have you got one hidden under there?
05:44No, I'm very impressed.
05:45You're absolutely right.
05:46A treacle was generally any kind of specific against diseases and things.
05:50Or a term of endearment.
05:51Treacle.
05:52Oh, yes, in EastEnders.
05:53And that's what I do.
05:54All right, treacle.
05:54All right, anti-venereal treacle.
05:59It's your anti-venereal treacle.
06:03It's your anti-venereal.
06:06Treacle.
06:09You're coming for your cheeks, I mean, do you?
06:13There was someone in America, Verruca's quite a popular name.
06:18Really?
06:18Because of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
06:21They don't call Verruca's Verruca's in America.
06:24Oh, so they don't know it is, actually.
06:25They don't know it's an awful thing.
06:26Verruca's in America.
06:28Brilliant.
06:29I'm so pleased.
06:33So, if they call Chlamydia Chlamydia,
06:35all you need to do is put it in a popular children's book as a name.
06:39Brilliant.
06:39Before you know it.
06:40It would be one of the most popular.
06:42Barack Obama will have a daughter called it.
06:46Familiar Obama.
06:49Which brings us to Dog and Maggot.
06:51Does it?
06:51Well, it doesn't necessarily.
06:53It sounds like rhyming slang.
06:55For someone of my persuasion.
06:58Taggart.
07:00I was going to go with the ITV show Taggart.
07:02Oh, right.
07:04There's been a murder, Dog and Maggot.
07:07A Scotsman in the mix.
07:08See what I did there?
07:09Yeah.
07:10If I would say hard tack to you, does that mean anything?
07:13Ships' biscuits.
07:14Very good.
07:15Ships' biscuits were known as hard tack.
07:17And there's a famous scene in the battleship Potemkin.
07:21Do you remember, if you've ever seen it?
07:22No.
07:22I'm a vegetarian.
07:23I'm a vegetarian.
07:28I'm a vegetarian.
07:28That's going to be an answer to a lot of questions.
07:30No, I'm vegetarian.
07:33The Potemkin was a ship in which there was a mutiny.
07:36And there's a scene of them cracking open a ship's biscuit and the maggots come.
07:39It's really horrible.
07:41And this is a British biscuit called Dog because it was the consistency of a dog biscuit.
07:46And Maggot because it had maggots in it.
07:48But it was in the First World War it was part of the ration.
07:50God.
07:50I think I'd rather eat the cutlery.
07:54That twist came up.
07:56Let's have a chew on this knife, don't everybody.
07:58I think I'd like one of the fun.
08:00Do you like Spoon?
08:00Rather than having all the prongs and a lime, why can't they be in a kind of a square shape?
08:04So you've got to find out.
08:06Do you know, hold that thought.
08:08Because we might be coming on to that later in the exam.
08:14It might come up.
08:16Sir said it wouldn't come up this term, but it might have come up.
08:20I've revived that.
08:21Yeah.
08:22Okay.
08:22So that's your dog and maggot.
08:24We're left with the kunga cake.
08:27Very unlikely.
08:28It is African, but you're very unlikely to get this.
08:30Is it a cake?
08:31Well, it's...
08:32Is it going to be dung?
08:33It's not dung, no.
08:34It sounded like dung.
08:35It's animals, but tiny, weeny animals.
08:38Termites.
08:39Even smaller.
08:40Ants.
08:40Midges.
08:41Oh.
08:41Midges.
08:42Midges.
08:42The midges, they come out from the river in their mating swarms in such numbers, they gather
08:47them and press them into a cake.
08:49How do they gather them?
08:50Well, I guess they're sort of with a net or something.
08:53It's about time they've got their just desserts, those little stuff.
08:58They're always talking these days about using all kinds of insects and things for the future
09:02of the human race, protein, you know, insects and...
09:05No?
09:06No.
09:06Do you remember I had an ant on this show once?
09:09I don't remember anything there.
09:09I got a bit of it sort of carapace and it was just for the whole show I had it
09:14caught
09:15in the back of my phone.
09:15I was like, that was deck.
09:21It's so naughty.
09:23That's very naughty.
09:24Indeed.
09:26Anyway, there you are.
09:28Here's some unusual cuttery.
09:29I'd like you to tell me what kind of thing you could eat with them.
09:33You've all got some, but I'll start off with the one that you mentioned there.
09:38You said with tines.
09:40There you are.
09:41You see?
09:42Isn't it incredible?
09:42You mentioned something like that.
09:44That's weird, isn't it?
09:45It's usage.
09:46It's very, very specific.
09:48You don't actually handle it yourself because you're so high-born that somebody else feeds
09:52you using that.
09:53With what on it, though?
09:54Some sort of fruit?
09:55No.
09:56Is it a testicle?
09:57It might include a testicle.
09:59Oh.
10:00Is it a scrotum?
10:03It might include a scrotum.
10:04It might include a scrotum.
10:05It really includes a testicle, Steve.
10:08The whole smear.
10:10A whole mammal?
10:12Yes, a whole mammal.
10:13Let's just imagine I'm talking to one.
10:16Oh, God.
10:16A comedian.
10:24No, a cannibal.
10:26It's at the point of human being.
10:29Oh.
10:32Yours is a reproduction sold as a souvenir item on the island of, or islands of?
10:37White.
10:37Man.
10:43More accurately, we said the island of Man, I would have thought.
10:47We think of the cannibal island.
10:50It was part of the British Empire.
10:51Oh, Guernsey.
10:56Oh, I might have known.
10:57Yeah, you might have known.
10:58Fiji is the answer.
10:59These are Fijian human folks.
11:02Two cannibals are eating someone.
11:04Yes.
11:05And one says, you start the toes, I'll start the head.
11:07He says, all right.
11:08Halfway through, he says, you all right?
11:10He says, yeah, I'm having a ball.
11:11He says, you're going too fast.
11:16There you go.
11:17Excellent work.
11:17There you go.
11:18Excellent work.
11:19Cannibal joke for you.
11:20All right, Adam, can you look and see what other items of country you might have?
11:24Got this one.
11:25That you might recognize.
11:26Once again, it's clearly for testicles.
11:30If you did eat meat, it's quite common, reasonably common.
11:33For fish.
11:34Anyone?
11:35No?
11:35It's like it's for force-feeding a suffragette.
11:38The force-feeding of a suffragette.
11:39No, for force-feeding.
11:40I haven't seen that.
11:45I'm so sorry.
11:48I'm so sorry.
11:50For force-feeding Emily Davidson does it.
11:53That's what bad man used to say.
11:54The force-skin of a suffragette.
11:55Force-skin of a suffragette.
11:57Bad man.
11:58All for clenching a nose.
12:00I'm sure the audience knows.
12:01You'd like to shout out?
12:02Yes.
12:03They all know that's for lescargot.
12:05It is for snow.
12:06You clench the shell, and then you use a little winkling fork to get the flesh out.
12:10So there you are.
12:12And what have you got, Victoria?
12:13Um, I've got that.
12:16Now, now that is interesting.
12:18You've also got a bowl.
12:20I'm sure there's like one in my mum's drawer, one of them.
12:23Yes.
12:23I've seen that.
12:24That's the only one I've seen.
12:25Your mum's drawers.
12:26On my mum's drawers.
12:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:28Is it just a buffet?
12:29Does it rest on a...
12:29A buffet spoon?
12:30No, it rests on the side of the bowl.
12:31Yeah, on a plate.
12:32The most useful thing...
12:34Brilliant.
12:34Oh, that's clever.
12:35Usually things for this substance are wooden with a sort of dome on the end and grooves around them.
12:41Honey.
12:41Honey.
12:42But this is even better for honey, because you pour the honey into the bowl or whatever, keeping
12:46it on top of that other bowl.
12:47And then, where do you put the spoon without stickiness?
12:51Yeah.
12:51You just simply put it back on top.
12:52I think other people have got more cutlery than me.
12:56I've got this, which is a strange spoon with holes in it.
13:01Very hard.
13:01If you guess that, I'll give you 100 points if you guess what that is specifically for.
13:04Oh, it's for, um, Cocoa Pops, so you get the milk cut.
13:09It would work as that.
13:12It's actually very specifically for terrapins and turtles.
13:15I don't usually eat them.
13:16You're a vegetarian.
13:17Exactly.
13:17Oh, I see.
13:19The flesh is delicious, apparently.
13:21Okay.
13:22The giant turtle, famously.
13:24Aren't they protective, Steve?
13:25And you're not supposed to be chomping away over them.
13:26Oh, gosh, no, absolutely not.
13:28No, the Ridleys in there.
13:28Well, why are you saying we should kill them?
13:30No.
13:31Why are you giving me cutlery?
13:33Yes, that's a weird thing to say on television, that we should eat turtles.
13:37I take it back.
13:38No, we definitely shouldn't be killing them, obviously.
13:40But they're delicious.
13:40But there is a special piece of cutlery for them.
13:42It happens if it happens in cutlery for them, and they're delicious.
13:46Just in case.
13:47And, um, Jason, what have you done?
13:52Oh, now this is interesting.
13:55Don't look at your reflection in the upset.
13:57I was, I see if that was what was unusual.
13:59No.
13:59Oh, my God, it's Tom Selleck.
14:01That's weird.
14:02For all the people.
14:03Have a grip and a twist.
14:05Okay.
14:06Oh.
14:06Ah.
14:07It turns.
14:08It turns like that.
14:09Yeah.
14:10All the way.
14:10All the way, okay.
14:12Oh, and then it just becomes like.
14:13It's broken.
14:16It's a breakable spoon.
14:18No, but look in the spoon end, the ladle end.
14:21It's hollow.
14:23Yeah.
14:23Oh, inside there.
14:24So you could fill it with something.
14:26Hot water.
14:27Hot water.
14:28Oh, I was going to say turtle blood.
14:34Oh, I see.
14:35You fill it with hot water and it's a gravy spoon that keeps the gravy nice and warm.
14:39Stop it.
14:39That's congenial.
14:40Richard?
14:40Great idea.
14:41Are we going to have anything that you can eat testicles with?
14:46They may be coming up.
14:47Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:48Here we go.
14:49Yeah, now what's that?
14:51Are they holes in the end?
14:52Yeah.
14:53All perforations.
14:53You see, you've learnt from your little thing.
14:55Now perforations in the ladle itself, in the spoon part itself, the bowl.
14:59What about the other end?
15:00It's got a little hole in it.
15:01Ah.
15:02So what could you do?
15:04Well, I'm going to insert it into the backside of a turtle.
15:08Just one, just one.
15:11And then I think, you tell me if I'm wrong, you squeeze, is that right?
15:15Squeeze down the shell.
15:17And out it comes there and then you've sent to yourself a smoothie.
15:22Is it a turtle blood smoothie maker?
15:24So close.
15:26If I said the word mate to you, would that mean anything?
15:28Have you ever travelled to an area where you drink mate tea?
15:32Audience?
15:33Argentina.
15:34Argentina and Peru and various other places.
15:36Of course.
15:37It's called mate.
15:37There we go.
15:38Got that sorted.
15:39So basically, it does a marvellous job.
15:40It stirs the leaves and allows you to drink the tea all in one without needing a strainer.
15:46Oh.
15:46Oh, it's a straw.
15:47Oh, it's a straw.
15:47It's a straw.
15:48You suck it up.
15:49Oh, that's so good.
15:49It's an Argentinian mate spoon.
15:51Now, what attachment would you expect to find on a Swiss student knife?
15:58A pot noodle opener.
16:00That's very good.
16:01How many attachments do you think?
16:03How many?
16:04Twelve.
16:04Twelve?
16:05Forty.
16:06One.
16:06Oh, you win.
16:08It's two.
16:08Oh, very good.
16:10It's only two.
16:10Just two blades on a student knife.
16:12There is one.
16:13There isn't a corkscrew, does it?
16:14It doesn't really need a corkscrew.
16:15No.
16:16If it was a British child, yes.
16:18LAUGHTER
16:20And you need a little special shot glass for Jagerbond.
16:23LAUGHTER
16:24The whole works, basically, if your average British child.
16:28LAUGHTER
16:30Except QIVOs, pocket knives were originally imported from Germany in the 1890s,
16:34but then a Swiss gentleman called Carl Elziner won the contract to make them locally,
16:38and every member of the Swiss Army had to get one,
16:41and considering that was all men were members of the Swiss Army,
16:44that was a very valuable contract indeed, as you can imagine.
16:48Did people actually get killed by them?
16:51Or were they just for cutting ropes and...
16:53I think they were just for general use.
16:54I don't think they were for combat, for hand-to-hand combat.
16:57Yeah, you all were like,
16:57just wait there a sec, let me get the right one.
17:01That corkscrew, for God's sake!
17:03Wait there!
17:05It wasn't red, the original, as you can see,
17:07it was black with a wooden handle.
17:08The screwdriver said soldiers could actually dismantle their guns.
17:12So that was four.
17:13Then there was the skill boy knife and the farmer's knife.
17:15His big break came in 1897 with the officer's knife.
17:19And that's really when we begin to go into Swiss Army territory.
17:23Now you can see, there's your classic formation.
17:26And they make up to 65 million a year.
17:29That's huge!
17:30Wow.
17:30Well, you've seen some shops which just have a window full of nothing else, don't you?
17:33Giving a big one that slowly opens.
17:35I've got one of those.
17:35I bought one.
17:36Yeah.
17:37I bought one of a shop that's going out of business.
17:38One of those ones that just opens and closes.
17:40It's really good fun.
17:41Just plug it in.
17:42It's really hard to sit and watch it for hours.
17:45Have you not got a television?
17:48Yes, but I'm always on it.
17:53I don't have that shadow.
18:01And now, QI.
18:11Did you know that they produce a Swiss Army fragrance?
18:15Oh.
18:16You'll love the description.
18:18The classic is a fresh aromatic fragrance for men that stands for refinement and vision.
18:25It has notes of yuzu, geranium and lavender.
18:28It radiates, you could be talking about me here, it radiates a disarming masculinity.
18:35But you'd be pleased to know, Victoria, there is one for the ladies.
18:39It's for straightforward, uncomplicated women who enjoy asserting their femininity alongside their athleticism.
18:47That's me.
18:48Absolutely.
18:49Do we know what notes that's got?
18:51Yes, I can tell you the notes.
18:52Paraguay tea, cedar and hay.
18:54Oh, my baby.
18:56Hay!
18:56That's quite hay in it.
18:57I love hay.
18:59I love hay.
18:59Is hay common?
19:00Is it common?
19:00Hay, grass, manure, compost.
19:06Oh, dear.
19:07But, as always, the best in multi-bladed knives comes from Norfolk.
19:11The best in everything comes from Norfolk.
19:12The Norfolk Army knife?
19:13No, the Norfolk knife.
19:14But they're an army.
19:16I've seen that knife.
19:17There is a Norfolk knife, which I think will take your breath away for its beauty and uncomplicated.
19:22Oh.
19:26That's going to solve most of your problems, including the problem of having fingers will
19:30be solved.
19:33That's amazing.
19:34It is preposterous, isn't it?
19:36But it is.
19:36That's the Norfolk knife.
19:37Well, there you are.
19:38So, I hope I'm radiating disarming masculinity as we move on to the next question.
19:42What's the quickest way to cool down my kitchen?
19:45I'm going to, just because I'd love to get a klaxon sound, is opening the fridge.
19:55Somehow that makes it hotter, doesn't it?
19:57Turning on the oven.
19:58Turning on the oven would not cool.
19:59Turning on the top of the stove, put the gas on, because the coolest place in front of
20:03a fire is right in front.
20:04Oh, I see what you mean, but that would still warm up the room.
20:06Yeah, all right.
20:07No, no, no.
20:08Jerry Cross, it's good that you didn't say turn on the fan, which would have got you a
20:12klaxon.
20:12I wasn't going to say that.
20:13No, exactly.
20:14Can I just say turn on the fan?
20:16You've gone klaxon mad.
20:21Why would opening the fridge?
20:22It's the second order of thermodynamics.
20:23The energy you need to create, the coolness, creates work, and energy and work are basically
20:28congruent in physics to heat, instead of the back of a fridge.
20:31But what if the motor of my fridge is outside my kitchen?
20:33Ah, if that were the case, yes.
20:35Because you haven't been in my kitchen.
20:37I said my kitchen, no, that was in the question.
20:39I'm so sorry.
20:41In the case of an air conditioner, of course, the back is always outside.
20:45So a fan is just cool in the air.
20:46Yeah, the motor of the fan warms the room.
20:48And what's up with them windows?
20:50Are they not open?
20:50Well, that would be a good answer.
20:52Exactly.
20:53Is that opening the windows?
20:55Yes, that's fine.
20:55You might get a point for that.
20:57Why is it so hot in your kitchen?
20:59What have you been doing?
21:03What protective species have you been slaughtering?
21:08Boiling terapins while I've done it.
21:11Open the window, Stephen.
21:12No, I like it hot and sweaty.
21:16Scraping the froth off.
21:18Oh, don't.
21:19Where's my mate spoon?
21:23Now, John Gorry, John Gorry of Florida was one of the pioneers of refrigeration.
21:28And he believed that heat was one of the things that made you ill.
21:31And so he would lower huge bags of ice over patients.
21:35And the cold air would fall on their faces.
21:37And he thought that would help them.
21:38And then he went so far as to invent a refrigeration machine.
21:42And this outrage, the huge industry that towed and transported real ice from Canada and other places into New York
21:51and so on.
21:52And they had a successful campaign saying that artificial ice didn't work.
21:57It wasn't proper ice.
21:58And it would never work properly.
22:00And he died in poverty.
22:02In the supermarket, there's a bag of, you know, you buy bags of ice.
22:06Yes.
22:06There's one ice so called extra slow melting ice.
22:09What?
22:10I know.
22:11Has it got salt in it as well?
22:12And what could it possibly...
22:13And then in the thing it just says, ingredients, water.
22:17But it also has a best before on it.
22:21Legally.
22:22Yes.
22:24It's fantastic, isn't it?
22:25So, if you leave the fridge door open, the room will actually get warmer.
22:29Which breed of dog makes the best kebab?
22:34You need one with an opposable digit to make any kind of sandwich.
22:38Yes.
22:39What about a sheep dog?
22:42Whoa.
22:46I was going to say sausage dog, so I'm glad I went for that.
22:54Oh, dear, oh, dear.
22:56Yeah, I remember that kebab dog.
22:58There isn't such a dog, unfortunately.
23:01There's a shop near me, there's a takeaway near me, called kebabish.
23:05And I like it, because it sort of sounds like the guy who owns it,
23:08even he doesn't know what's in the meat.
23:10I'm like, what is it?
23:11I don't know, just kebabish.
23:13Well, it's funny to say, because doner kebabs, I mean, have come under scrutiny.
23:16Exactly. The average doner has 1,000 calories,
23:20half a woman's recommended daily allowance.
23:22Wow.
23:22Even a woman called doner?
23:24Even a woman called doner, in fact.
23:26The worst have almost 2,000 calories.
23:29An average has 98% of the recommended daily allowance of salt
23:32and 148% of the recommended daily allowance of saturated fat.
23:37I know reading those out, they're supposed to put us off,
23:40but I could kill for one now.
23:43It does sound delicious.
23:44All the stuff about saturated fat sounds delicious.
23:46It does sound delicious.
23:47It does sound delicious.
23:48It does sound like a bargain.
23:49If you're getting 98% of your salt,
23:50you don't have to...
23:52LAUGHTER
23:53You don't have to get it anywhere else, do you?
23:56APPLAUSE
23:57What about doner kebab?
23:58I mean, because it's a Turkish for a spit,
24:00I mean, going round thing, or a tizzeri.
24:02Because the standard kebab is like on a skewer, isn't it?
24:05Ashish.
24:06Ashish.
24:07And I never knew you could pull them off the skewer
24:09before you ate them.
24:10When I was a boy, I was going to go like that,
24:12and then I go, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
24:15And then I saw someone just pulling them all off his head.
24:20Ow!
24:23That's how the queen eats them.
24:25Yeah, I'm sure she does.
24:26So, do you have dogs?
24:28No, I don't like things that don't talk.
24:31No.
24:31You don't like things that...
24:32I love that rule.
24:32I don't like things that don't make jokes.
24:35LAUGHTER
24:35It's a really good rule.
24:37Yeah.
24:37It excludes some men, obviously.
24:41Because we are literally speaking about a breed of dog
24:43that has since gone out of existence.
24:46It's no longer bred and it's become extinct as a breed.
24:49But it used to talk.
24:50No, no, sorry.
24:51We're conflating, unfortunately, here.
24:53It was a spit dog, a turn spit dog.
24:56It was actually bred.
24:57Spit the dog.
24:58There is one.
24:58Spit the dog.
24:59It's a really cute...
25:00It's a cute breed.
25:01Look at it.
25:02Isn't it cute?
25:03It's not cute.
25:04It's like Star Wars dog.
25:06Oh, I just...
25:07I think it looks lovely.
25:08This is a stuffed one in Abergavenny Museum, I ought to say.
25:11The taxidermist is bollocks that right after me.
25:14LAUGHTER
25:14It's stuffed with feta and vine leaves.
25:18LAUGHTER
25:19Their job was to walk round keeping the roast meat on a spit evenly cooked.
25:26They were actually bred for that job.
25:28They were inside a wheel and they turned the wheel.
25:31Like a hamster in a Ferris wheel.
25:33And it worked beautifully well.
25:34And on the day off, they would get taken to church and used as foot warmers.
25:39LAUGHTER
25:39That was the life of...
25:41Sounds like they went into extinction through choice.
25:45LAUGHTER
25:45I've had enough of it.
25:46Come on, Dad.
25:49And...
25:49Queen Victoria kept retired ones as pets.
25:52She actually liked them rather a lot.
25:54It's a nice thought, isn't it?
25:55It looks sad.
25:56Well, yeah.
25:57Not because it's dead.
25:57It's not because it's dead.
26:00There were, in 1765, estimated to be 3,000 turnspit dogs in bath alone.
26:07Not everyone like them.
26:08Oh.
26:08William Coatsworth of Gateshead wrote that he'd got rid of his turnspit
26:11to keep the dog from the fire, the wheel out of the way,
26:14and the dog prevented from shitting upon everything it could.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:18That's the problem, you don't want poo.
26:20That's northerness for you, though.
26:22LAUGHTER
26:23Who wants to bath alone, anyway?
26:25Yeah.
26:25No, we want to do that.
26:26Who wants to bath alone?
26:27Me.
26:28Oh, what a lovely saying.
26:30I...
26:30When did you last bath alone?
26:31I don't bath.
26:32Ah.
26:33LAUGHTER
26:34Please tell me you shower.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:36Good.
26:38I can tell you.
26:41I know.
26:42You smell disarming masculinity and hay.
26:46LAUGHTER
26:46Well, that's your answer.
26:48Turnspit dogs, they got hot during the working week,
26:51and on Sunday were used as foot warmers.
26:53Now, when Koreans went into space, what did they take to chow down on?
26:58You've got a bowl, Victoria, and...
27:00I've got a bowl.
27:01..you can eat some.
27:03Oh, it really is.
27:06They took that into space?
27:07Yeah.
27:08Was that to get rid of it?
27:09LAUGHTER
27:10It is a bit smelly.
27:11It's actually delicious.
27:12It's a Korean astronaut food.
27:14Well, it...
27:14They developed a special breed of it for astronauts.
27:17Ooh.
27:17I think it's got cabbage in it.
27:19It has...
27:19It's mostly cabbage.
27:21It's almost like a kind of sour cabbage.
27:24LAUGHTER
27:25Sorry, I dropped my chocolate.
27:27LAUGHTER
27:28You can't drop anything in space.
27:31You made a release.
27:33The point about this food is it is generally reckoned
27:35that this food is more celebrated and loved by the Koreans
27:40than any food in any other culture is loved by any other culture.
27:43It is absolutely their identity.
27:46They've not had a pie in the North.
27:48No, well, believe me, they talk about this food far more,
27:51even the Northerners talk about pies.
27:53In Wigan, you know, on the back of Baker's vans,
27:55they've got a sign that says,
27:56no pies are left in this van overnight.
27:59LAUGHTER
28:03APPLAUSE
28:06That is very good.
28:08If you were to name this food, I'd be very impressed,
28:11because it really is the essence of Korea.
28:14They...
28:14They really are obsessed with it.
28:15Have you ever heard of it?
28:17No.
28:17It begins with K, which is a help.
28:20Kimchi.
28:20Kimchi is the right answer from the audience.
28:22Kimchi.
28:22K-I-M-C-H-I.
28:24Oh, it's bloody lovely.
28:24It is really good, isn't it?
28:26And it's pretty healthy.
28:27It's...
28:28It's mostly...
28:29Cabbage.
28:31LAUGHTER
28:32I'll tell you what, I'm going to Korea on holiday.
28:34Yeah.
28:35It is genuinely delicious, isn't it?
28:37It's quite pecan.
28:38It's quite hot.
28:38It's got a bit of chilli.
28:40It's mostly radish and cabbage.
28:42It's very, very simple.
28:43But there are lots of different...
28:44I feel myself becoming more obedient.
28:46Yeah.
28:53Finally!
28:55At last!
28:56You know what, though?
28:57Tell me.
28:58You know when you want a second one?
28:59Yep.
29:00We don't really.
29:00It's just too...
29:01Yeah.
29:03They eat two million tonnes of this a year.
29:06Each?
29:06In South Korea.
29:09I think that would be...
29:10Even that is too much.
29:12Some make their own and bury it in a sealed jar over winter.
29:15Others have special kimchi refrigerators.
29:18When you open the door of them, they...
29:20Ooh!
29:21They...
29:23Um...
29:24It is quite hot.
29:25It's quite hot.
29:26Yeah.
29:28It's quite hot.
29:29Is it hot?
29:31In 2010, they had a...
29:33You like kimchi!
29:34Ah!
29:35You are the fool!
29:37After that!
29:38No racial stereotyping here, then.
29:40Yeah.
29:42Just...
29:42Cheat laugh.
29:43Cheat laugh, Sue.
29:44That is just...
29:45That is just...
29:45That is crazy racism and you know it.
29:48Um...
29:49In...
29:49In 2010, they had a cabbage crop failure and the price rose by 400%.
29:53Shut up!
29:53And they spent millions on the South Korean astronaut who went up into space and...
30:00So she could have a kimchi that was bacterially more sound and would survive in space better.
30:06Because it was absolutely crucial to her wellbeing as a Korean.
30:09And indeed, Chung Il Kwong, when he was president during the Vietnam War, said to President Johnson...
30:14Who asked if he would...
30:15When he was away...
30:16Did you...
30:17Missing Korea?
30:18So...
30:19He said to be honest, he missed kimchi more than he missed his wife.
30:22Kimchi the name of his mistress.
30:23No.
30:25This is it.
30:27Anyway, for Koreans, kimchi is literally out of this world.
30:31How can you get money out of the King of Scotland?
30:35That's a wonderful photograph, isn't it?
30:37Well, obviously he's not the King of Scotland.
30:39This is a very early King of Scotland.
30:40Nearly a thousand years ago.
30:42There he is.
30:43He was King David I.
30:44Oh, Dave, yeah.
30:46Oh, Dave.
30:46Of course, yeah, you see with the beard now, yeah.
30:49We, Davey.
30:49We, Davey.
30:49Because he didn't always have the beard, did he?
30:50And then he grew it.
30:51That's right.
30:51For Movember.
30:52When he was a baby.
30:57It was a tiny, tiny king.
30:59Small.
31:00He was.
31:01Very, very small.
31:02Can we have some money, King David?
31:03Very, very, very money.
31:06He would reward people, give them a tax rebate, if they had good...
31:11Shortbread.
31:12Scones.
31:14Scones, shortbread, eat fried baths, bowels.
31:16Table manners.
31:17Say it again.
31:18Table manners.
31:18Is the right answer.
31:20He would reward people for their table manners.
31:22He immediately took your elbows off.
31:26Whoa.
31:27Never know.
31:27Fantastic.
31:28Plus five points for good table manners.
31:30The 12th century King David I.
31:31According to William of Malmesbury, he gave tax rebates.
31:35For good table manners.
31:36Talking of table manners and royalty, which member of the royal family would you least
31:42expect to have had terrible table manners?
31:44Queen Victoria.
31:45Queen Victoria.
31:46Yeah.
31:47And she was...
31:49Jesus.
31:50Was she still in a generation who thought that blowing off at the end of a meal was a compliment?
31:54No, I don't think...
31:55I don't think...
31:56I've been using that one for years, you know.
31:59It's a compliment to the chef!
32:02Confusing it with burping.
32:04Oh, God.
32:05Sorry.
32:07All this time.
32:10It's never a compliment to blow off of the table.
32:14Unless there's food.
32:15Unless you're a nun.
32:16Yeah.
32:16Unless you're a nun.
32:17What are you going to do about Maria?
32:20It does look like rather a joyless table, doesn't it?
32:23Which one of those is Queen Victoria?
32:24Which one of those is Queen Victoria?
32:25Yeah.
32:26Which one of those is Queen Victoria?
32:28That one of Winston Churchill in driving.
32:29I think that would be the seventh on the right, wouldn't it?
32:31No, no, no.
32:32One of the little boys will be over the eighth.
32:33Oh, I see what you mean.
32:34It would be your son...
32:35Yes, David.
32:35The second one.
32:36Which one is Colin Firth?
32:41That would be the youngest one on the left, I think.
32:44That's Colin Firth.
32:47And in the middle is Queen Victoria.
32:50Why is she so, you know...
32:51Joyless?
32:52Yeah.
32:52Yeah.
32:52Well, she was not amused, if you remember, ever since our husband died.
32:55But you thought once she's at the table with her family she'd bloody smile.
32:58Yeah, I know.
32:59She was bratsy.
33:00It's so annoying when you're having brats.
33:02Especially when you have...
33:03She's like that.
33:04She was a large woman.
33:06She was only four foot eleven high.
33:08Kylie Minogue.
33:10Kylie Minogue.
33:10She stood up there?
33:12No.
33:14But she weighed twelve stone is exactly what she was.
33:16She had a fifty inch waist.
33:19A fifty inch...
33:19Well, her bloomers were fifty inches.
33:21As collected by Norman Sinjin and Stevers.
33:23I didn't know that.
33:24Yes, he did.
33:24He collected Victoria's underwear.
33:26Literally.
33:27Not Victorian, but Victoria's.
33:30And he started the lingerie shop Victoria's Secrets, didn't he?
33:36That's what he sells.
33:37I've never been in, but I presume that's what they're selling now.
33:39Presumably it is.
33:41The fact is, because she was Queen, she got served first at dinner.
33:44And she would start eating.
33:46And she would get through a fourteen-course dinner in half an hour.
33:51Wow.
33:52And once she'd finished, everyone else had their food taken away.
33:55Brilliant.
33:57And she would just gobble away at an incredible speed.
34:00Lord Hartington, who was one of her courtiers once, was her to shout at a footman,
34:04and bring that back!
34:05She was so angry at the fact that by the time you just got your soup spoon in, she was
34:11going,
34:11well, that was very lovely.
34:14And her doctors became concerned about obesity.
34:17And they recommended Benger's Food, which was one of these supplements.
34:22And this was a thick, milky gruel, often given to invalids and the elderly.
34:25So she agreed.
34:26And she took it on top of her normal diet.
34:30Only one if she wasn't going to fit on the coins.
34:32Yeah.
34:36That's a brilliant idea.
34:38Let's just get a little bit in the middle of her, a bit of breast.
34:41The coins were bigger and bigger and bigger.
34:42Huge coins, is it?
34:45A whole penny?
34:46For ten.
34:48The lavatory doors were vast to spend the penny.
34:54Now, here's the skull of King Richard III.
34:56But what can you tell me about his table manners, just by looking at it?
35:00Well, he's very good at eating Toblerone.
35:05Anything else you can tell?
35:07What's unusual about his teeth compared to ours?
35:09A space for a straw, that would be.
35:10A space for a straw, yes.
35:13Notice your teeth, the top row and the bottom row.
35:18Close your mouth, naturally.
35:20Yeah.
35:20The top row.
35:21Yeah.
35:22Overbite.
35:23We've all got an overbite.
35:25Cruelly called by Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally.
35:28Dancing, white man's overbite.
35:33The actual overbite, literally like that, is a recent thing in human beings.
35:37And it comes after forks, because we cut up our food.
35:40And in the days when we wrenched our food, the incisors would get smoothed down more, and the teeth would
35:46fit exactly.
35:47And it shows that Richard III didn't use a fork for cutting his food, which we know, because forks were
35:53not used for transferring food to your mouth.
35:56Right up to tutor times, you would use your hands.
36:00So if we brought up children without knives and forks, they wouldn't develop an overbite?
36:03No.
36:04You know what, I'm going to try, I'm going to come back here in 21 years time.
36:06I'm totally a liar.
36:08With a really resentful looking boy.
36:10Well, I've got twins, so I'm going to do one.
36:12Brilliant.
36:14Brilliant.
36:15And have the perfect experiment.
36:16It is superb.
36:17Unethical, but perfect.
36:19And you can sort of show this by the difference in civilizations who developed overbites.
36:24And a thousand years ago, you can see where Chinese aristocratic skulls have an overbite, but peasants don't.
36:31And it's when they started to use chopsticks and chop up their food, and then it spread throughout the population.
36:37So it really does see, it sounds weird, but this overbite we have is an acquired characteristic because of our
36:42chopping up of food.
36:43You can just tell by looking at skulls.
36:45Just go through any graveyard, dig people up.
36:47I'll do that.
36:47And you'll see, I'm right there.
36:48Stephen Fry told me to do it.
36:50Yeah.
36:50While I'm chewing on a turtle.
36:53Really bad influence.
36:55Yeah.
36:55So, anyway, name the traditional ingredients of kedgerie.
36:59Hmm.
37:00Well, now there are some of them on the screen.
37:05Right.
37:09I think Victoria wanted to answer this one.
37:12Yes, sir.
37:13Haddock.
37:14Oh, dear.
37:16Oh, dear.
37:17You wanted that, didn't you?
37:20What about egg?
37:21Rice.
37:21Yes, egg.
37:22Well, rice means a mix-up.
37:24And fish is a very recent thing to be an absolute essential of kedgerie.
37:28In fact, the Hobson-Jobson Dictionary of Anglo-Indian Words, which is one of the great books of its time.
37:33It says, in England we find the word is often applied to a mess of recooked fish served for breakfast,
37:38but this is inaccurate.
37:39Fish is frequently eaten with kedgerie, but is no part of it.
37:43Oh.
37:43So it now tends to be flaked havoc and a little bit of cream and curry powder and rice and
37:49boiled egg, and it's absolutely delicious.
37:51But I'll give you a hundred points if you can name two traditional Italian breads.
37:58Oh, so tempting.
38:00Well, now, ciabatta.
38:03Yay!
38:06We're all ready now.
38:09Ciabatta was invented in 1982, can you believe?
38:12No.
38:12It's that recent.
38:13Shut up.
38:13It was an Italian baker who was worried about the threat of French baguettes.
38:18And it's the Italian for, you can redeem yourself if you know...
38:21Baguette.
38:23That would be too easy.
38:25No, it's not really the shape of it.
38:27Handbag?
38:28Well, that's closer.
38:29Slipper.
38:29Yes!
38:31Brilliant.
38:31It was a slipper, yes.
38:33It was, he was Arnaldo Cavallari was his name.
38:36And he was a specific invention.
38:37He called it ciabatta polizzano.
38:40Polizzines is a part of Northern Italy.
38:42So it really is very recent.
38:44Some people claim that it was around since the 40s, but there doesn't seem to be any proof of this.
38:49The name doesn't appear before 1982.
38:51Now, what can you see coming out of your kettle as it boils?
38:56Vapour.
38:57Is the right answer.
39:01Not steam.
39:02I wasn't going to say steam.
39:03No, as if you would.
39:04Because steam is...
39:06The stuff that comes out of the kettle.
39:07Oh!
39:09Steam is invisible.
39:10It does come out of the kettle.
39:21And that's the bit you see.
39:22We call it steam.
39:23But it isn't.
39:24Steam is actually invisible.
39:26Isn't that interesting?
39:27Very interesting.
39:29Since I tell my children not to eat their food till the steam's gone.
39:33Now what am I going to say?
39:36But, I mean, yeah, in ordinary everyday speech things steam and steamy are, you know, manure steams
39:41and...
39:42Oh, I tell them not to eat manure.
39:44It's fine.
39:44Yeah.
39:45Not till the steam's gone up here.
39:47I'm glad to hear it.
39:49Did you know that in 1784 there was a kettle war?
39:53Wow.
39:55Between...
39:55It was between Morphy and Richards, wasn't it?
39:57And in the end...
40:00In the end they joined together.
40:02It was all fine.
40:04It was between the Dutch and the Austrians.
40:07One shot took place on the Austrian flagship.
40:10A bullet was fired by the Dutch and hit a kettle and ricocheted off and the Austrians immediately
40:14surrendered.
40:16So it was known as the kettle war.
40:17I'll follow.
40:18There you are.
40:19Well, we have to end now with a knick-knack, which I sometimes end with.
40:23This is...
40:24Oh, this is exciting.
40:26This is a remarkable substance.
40:28It's called polyethylene oxide.
40:32And it's very gloopy.
40:33And also it reacts rather excitedly under ultraviolet light.
40:37And Alan and Victoria have got ultraviolet torches.
40:39And you can point them at it.
40:41And I think we might have some ultraviolet light in this studio.
40:43Shall I point them now, sir?
40:44Yes, please do.
40:45Oh, look.
40:46See?
40:47Ooh!
40:49Now, what I'm going to try and do...
40:50I'm going to stand up to do this.
40:52It's a very remarkable effect.
40:57The effect is when you pour it, if I get it at the right angle, it pulls itself out of
41:02the flask and into here.
41:04It flows uphill and out and down again.
41:07All right.
41:09There we go.
41:09It's pulling itself up.
41:10It's pulling itself up.
41:11You see what I mean?
41:12It's pulling itself up from the bottom.
41:13If you look at the top one, it's actually flowing uphill there.
41:16Did you see that?
41:16Wow.
41:17And then it thins out into a little trail of snot.
41:20I'll try it again.
41:21So we'll just get a...
41:22That's like when you have a wee after a Barocco, isn't it, then?
41:26It is!
41:30That's exactly what it's like.
41:32Oh, goodness.
41:34So disgusting.
41:35Polyethylene oxide.
41:36I don't know what else.
41:37What's it used for?
41:38It's a very good masturbatory lubricant.
41:44Particularly in the dark.
41:45Yeah.
41:52All right.
41:53It's a little bit awkward getting two friends to hold the torch, though.
41:56Isn't it?
41:59Yeah.
42:00There we go.
42:00That's pulling itself up.
42:02There you go.
42:03Woo!
42:07And thank you.
42:10Thank you, my special ultraviolet helpers.
42:14Well, on that exciting note, let's go to the scores.
42:18Oh, my actual goodness.
42:21It's really remarkable.
42:23I'm afraid, possibly because he was booby-trapped into it,
42:27in last place with minus 38 is Jason Manford.
42:33In a highly creditable third place with minus 17 is Richard Osman.
42:38Oh, thank you.
42:40It is very impressive.
42:43And in second place with minus seven is Victoria Wood.
42:47Good.
42:50What?
42:51Scraping into a lead by one point of minus six is Alan Davis.
43:06And with thanks to Victoria, Richard, Jason and Alan, it's goodnight.
43:09What is my or χs?
43:09I think I'm...
43:09I'm afraid I can.
43:10Look.
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