- 8 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:07Music
00:00:23There it is.
00:00:25Finishing Hospital.
00:00:26Our next job.
00:00:27What, a maternity hospital?
00:00:29That's it.
00:00:30Headquarters of the famous pudding club.
00:00:32What have they got to nick in there?
00:00:33Pills.
00:00:34Pills?
00:00:35Not just ordinary pills.
00:00:36The pill.
00:00:37They've got hundreds of thousands of them in there.
00:00:39What, in a maternity hospital?
00:00:41It's a bit like closing the stable door off the horse has gone, isn't it?
00:00:43No, no, no.
00:00:44They're just stored there for use in the family planning clinics.
00:00:48But, Dad, if they're handing them out free, what are you going to make out of them?
00:00:50Nothing here, son.
00:00:52But I know a couple of countries that'll take as many as they can get and pay a bloody fortune
00:00:56for them.
00:01:04Oh, Miss Willings, sir, you're leaving us.
00:01:06Yeah, not exactly empty-handed, neither.
00:01:08Oh, now, now, you mustn't be bitter about it.
00:01:11You have a beautiful baby there.
00:01:13I wish I had one like it.
00:01:15Yes, well, if you run into the same bloke as I did, you can have one.
00:01:23Who's this, then?
00:01:24That's Bernard Cutty, the head chopper.
00:01:30Oh, another little angel leaving the fold.
00:01:32Let me have a last look at the little chair.
00:01:36You can have him for capes as far as I'm concerned.
00:01:38Careful, my dear.
00:01:39I may take you up on that.
00:01:40Oh, he's a splendid little fellow, isn't he?
00:01:43Yes, he is.
00:01:45Oh, I think you can have him back now.
00:01:49Again?
00:01:49That's the fifth this morning.
00:01:51You must have a knee.
00:01:52I think he's just had one.
00:01:56Good morning, Sir Bernard.
00:01:57Morning, Arthur.
00:01:58Good morning, Sir Bernard.
00:01:59Good morning, Matron.
00:01:59How are you today?
00:02:00I'm all right.
00:02:01Good.
00:02:02Why, shouldn't I be all right?
00:02:03I look all right, don't I?
00:02:04Oh, you've never looked better, Sir Bernard.
00:02:06Then why did you ask me how I was?
00:02:09Oh, no particular reason, just with all this Asian flu about.
00:02:13What Asian flu?
00:02:14Oh, it's only what I read in the papers.
00:02:17You can't believe a thing you read in the papers.
00:02:21Asian flu, indeed.
00:02:23What a lot of rubbish.
00:02:24Would you like to do the rounds now, Sir Bernard?
00:02:27What?
00:02:27No, no, I can't be bothered with all that today.
00:02:29I don't feel well enough.
00:02:30I think I've got Asian flu.
00:02:35Poor Sir Bernard.
00:02:36He's only got to read of some complaint,
00:02:38and he's convinced he's got it.
00:02:40I wonder if he's read Gone with the Wind.
00:02:43Here we go.
00:02:45Rich.
00:02:47Aye.
00:02:48Influenza.
00:02:49Asian.
00:02:50Asian flu.
00:02:51Highly infectious virus disease,
00:02:53often resulting in death.
00:02:55De-
00:02:55Death?
00:02:58Symptoms.
00:02:59Fever.
00:03:00Dizziness.
00:03:02Rapid pulse.
00:03:03Yellowing of the eyeballs.
00:03:05Calls.
00:03:16Any news yet, then?
00:03:17Oh, Mr. Tardy, are you still here?
00:03:19Of course I'm still here.
00:03:20I've been here since 10.42 last night, haven't I?
00:03:23I should know.
00:03:24I'd just seen the 10.17 off to Reading, hadn't I?
00:03:26Did you, indeed?
00:03:26Yeah.
00:03:27Stopping at all stations, set it in and type it, hadn't it?
00:03:29Quite.
00:03:30And haven't you had your baby yet?
00:03:32Well, of course I haven't.
00:03:33I wouldn't be still here, would I?
00:03:35Here.
00:03:36What's gone wrong?
00:03:37What's happening?
00:03:38Perhaps we're running a little late, Mr. Tardy.
00:03:40Well, I can't hang around here.
00:03:42I've got work to do, you know.
00:03:44Well, I'm just going round the wards and find out what the situation is.
00:03:47Yeah, and tell her I've been hanging around all bluey night again, will you?
00:03:49And tell her to get her finger out!
00:03:54You wait here.
00:03:55I'll case the joint.
00:04:06Good morning.
00:04:07Visiting?
00:04:08Well, I'm not producing.
00:04:10I mean, are you expecting a baby or what?
00:04:12Oh, definitely a baby.
00:04:14I don't like what's.
00:04:15The waiting room is over there.
00:04:17Thank you, mate.
00:04:19If it's a boy, I'll name him happy after you.
00:04:30Bye!
00:04:33Blimey, she looked upset.
00:04:34Look.
00:04:34I'm not surprised.
00:04:35I just told her she was pregnant.
00:04:36What?
00:04:37Is she really?
00:04:38No, but it certainly cured her hiccups.
00:04:42Excuse me.
00:04:43Er, yes?
00:04:44Are you expecting, or have you had it?
00:04:46No, but if you can spare the town.
00:04:48Wait in there, please.
00:04:55Thank you, Sam, for you.
00:04:56Yeah, that's right.
00:04:57Yeah, but it don't mean nothing, you know.
00:04:58No?
00:04:58No.
00:04:59The last two weeks, they said for me nine times.
00:05:01All I've had so far is a cup of tea and a biscuit.
00:05:03It's not good enough, mate.
00:05:05If I were you, I'd tell them to forget it.
00:05:07How can you forget it?
00:05:08Cancel the whole thing.
00:05:10But we've done it, haven't we?
00:05:12How can you cancel it?
00:05:13Tell them you've changed your mind.
00:05:21She got away!
00:05:25Has she had it then?
00:05:28Aye.
00:05:31Come.
00:05:34Could you get me the Guinness Book of Records, please?
00:05:37Uh!
00:05:41Oh!
00:05:42Oh! I'm afraid!
00:05:45Good morning, Nesvold.
00:05:47Good morning, Matron.
00:05:48Where's Sister?
00:05:48In delivery, Matron.
00:05:50Mrs. Hotchkiss has just gone in.
00:05:51Oh, good.
00:05:51And what about Mrs. Tidy?
00:05:53Afraid not.
00:05:53She's back here again.
00:05:59Another false alarm, Mrs. Tidy.
00:06:01I'm afraid so, Matron.
00:06:02Do you know what I reckon?
00:06:03It was just wind again.
00:06:04I wouldn't be at all surprised.
00:06:07Well, now, you're three weeks overdue,
00:06:09and your husband's getting very impatient.
00:06:12Him?
00:06:13Well, he can talk.
00:06:15Took him seven years to get me pregnant.
00:06:17Now I am.
00:06:17I'm going to enjoy myself.
00:06:19Well, if nothing happens very soon,
00:06:20we must think about inducing labour.
00:06:22What, just to please him?
00:06:24Oh, it's only a bit over nine months.
00:06:26He should be thankful I'm not an elephant.
00:06:28Well, I'm sure we're all very thankful for that, Mrs. Tidy.
00:06:34Now, stop being silly, Mrs. Pullet.
00:06:36Your baby's perfectly all right.
00:06:38He's not.
00:06:39He's not.
00:06:40What's the matter, nurse?
00:06:41Oh, it's nothing, Matron.
00:06:43What do you mean, nothing?
00:06:44I tell you there's something wrong with him.
00:06:46Nonsense, Mrs. Pullet.
00:06:47You have a fine little boy.
00:06:49Well, take a look at his little thing, then.
00:06:51Here's what...
00:06:52Oh.
00:06:53Well, I can't see anything wrong with it.
00:06:56But it's all bent to one side.
00:06:59Now, don't you worry, Mrs. Pullet.
00:07:01We'll have everything straightened out before you leave us.
00:07:05How the hell can we change our minds?
00:07:08I mean, you can't undo what's already been done, can you?
00:07:11What's been done, then?
00:07:12She has.
00:07:13Is she?
00:07:14She's over.
00:07:15Nine months gone.
00:07:16Don't worry, mate.
00:07:17She'll come back.
00:07:21What the hell can you come back?
00:07:25Uh, Matron.
00:07:27Oh.
00:07:29Well, what's that one?
00:07:30Oh, I'm afraid it was another false alarm, Mr. Tidy.
00:07:32You may as well go back to work.
00:07:33Go back to work?
00:07:34It was due three weeks ago.
00:07:36Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Tidy, but babies tend to arrive when they feel like it.
00:07:40There's nothing we can do about it.
00:07:42It's a fine state of affairs, isn't it?
00:07:45We'd soon be in a right old mess, wouldn't we, if we ran the railways like that.
00:07:48I was under the impression that you did.
00:08:04Can I help you at all?
00:08:05Uh, no, sir, I'm, uh, just passing the time.
00:08:08Are you awaiting a birth?
00:08:10Uh, yes, that's it.
00:08:10Who are you?
00:08:11Uh, the father, I hope.
00:08:13What name is it?
00:08:14Name?
00:08:15What's your name?
00:08:16Oh, my name!
00:08:16Uh, I, uh, that's funny.
00:08:19I know I had one when I came in here.
00:08:21Uh, hang on, let me think.
00:08:23Uh...
00:08:24Mr. Hotchkiss?
00:08:25That's it, Hotchkiss.
00:08:26That's me.
00:08:27Well, congratulations, Mr. Hotchkiss.
00:08:29Your wife's had twin boys.
00:08:31Get away.
00:08:33Oh, that's very nice.
00:08:34Thank you very much.
00:08:35Thank you, too.
00:08:36Yes, well, I'll be, uh, I'll be pushing off, then.
00:08:38But don't you want to see them, or your wife?
00:08:40Uh, no, not just now, thanks.
00:08:41I've got the girlfriend waiting outside.
00:08:46That'll do, sister.
00:08:53Get moving!
00:08:53What's all about, Dad?
00:08:54I've just become the father of twins!
00:08:56Congratulations!
00:08:57Oh, shut up!
00:08:58Come on, get!
00:08:58Hurry up!
00:09:07Did you find out where they keep the pills in?
00:09:09No, didn't have time.
00:09:11But I reckon I know how to now.
00:09:12Now, son, you're going to go to work at last.
00:09:15Dad, couldn't you possibly manage without me?
00:09:18You're getting on, boy.
00:09:19You've got to start work sometime, haven't you?
00:09:21Yes, well, the fact is I've had this offer of a job.
00:09:23In insurance.
00:09:24Would you believe it?
00:09:24He wants to go straight before he's even been crooked.
00:09:26No, he doesn't mean it, do you, sir?
00:09:28Of course he doesn't.
00:09:28Yes, I do.
00:09:29He does.
00:09:30Good job your poor mother isn't around to her, you say that.
00:09:33You promised on a deathbed that you go into business with your father.
00:09:35Yes, well, I was six years old at the time.
00:09:37Son, I'm depending on you.
00:09:39You're the only bloke I know who could possibly do what I've got in mind.
00:09:42Well, if you really mean that, Dad, I suppose.
00:09:43That's my boy.
00:09:44What exactly do you want me to do?
00:09:46Well, if I could get somebody into this hospital officially, they'd be able to nose about a bit, wouldn't they?
00:09:51You mean me?
00:09:52You've got to...
00:09:53But, Dad, it's a maternity hospital.
00:09:54No, no, no, not as a patient.
00:09:56Thank goodness for that.
00:09:57As a nurse.
00:10:02Well, your pulse beat's all right, Sir Bernard.
00:10:05Strong?
00:10:06Beautifully strong.
00:10:10And that's all right, too.
00:10:12Normal?
00:10:14Wonderfully normal.
00:10:15Well, it wasn't half an hour ago.
00:10:16I was right up.
00:10:18You asked Miss Banks, wasn't I just?
00:10:19Yes.
00:10:19Well, I can assure you, whatever else you may have, it certainly is not Asian flu.
00:10:25Of course not.
00:10:27I knew that.
00:10:28I could have told you.
00:10:30What do you mean about whatever else I might have had?
00:10:33Oh, well, you were probably suffering from some slight digestive upset or something.
00:10:39How are your bowels?
00:10:40My bowels?
00:10:42They're perfectly all right.
00:10:43Why bring them into it?
00:10:44Well, as you well know, Sir Bernard, irregularity can cause slight fever symptoms.
00:10:49I'm not a regular.
00:10:52I'll have you know I'm one of the most regular fellows in the business.
00:10:56Oh, as long as you have no pain or discomfort.
00:10:58Certainly not.
00:10:59Now, if you'll kindly both stop fussing and go, I have work to do.
00:11:03Very well, Sir Bernard.
00:11:07Oh, there was one small problem, Sir Bernard.
00:11:10Yes, yes.
00:11:11What is it?
00:11:11Mrs. Tidy in Bunwater, do you know?
00:11:13Yes, yes.
00:11:14What about her?
00:11:15Well, she's three weeks over her time and I was wondering whether we oughtn't to consider bringing it on.
00:11:19Bring it on?
00:11:20Bring what on?
00:11:21Why, the birth.
00:11:23Bring it on.
00:11:24Bring it off.
00:11:24What do I care?
00:11:25Oh, really, Sir Bernard.
00:11:28Can't anyone else make a decision around here?
00:11:30Ask Dr. Prod.
00:11:31I've got far more important things to worry about.
00:11:34Very well, Sir Bernard.
00:11:35And if you'll take my advice, you'll lie down and have a good rest.
00:11:40I don't need a good rest.
00:11:42I'm perfectly all right, do you hear?
00:11:44B. Bowels.
00:11:47Diseases of...
00:11:47Diseases of the powers.
00:11:54All right, you can get dressed again, Mr. Jenkins.
00:11:58Born my soul if it ain't Nurse Ball, the fairest flower of them all.
00:12:02A present for you, Doctor.
00:12:04No, no, you cannot tempt me with strong drink.
00:12:06Funny.
00:12:07Those were my exact words to you when I first came here.
00:12:10Touché.
00:12:12Fresh as a mountain stream.
00:12:14Well, why don't you take your shoes and socks off and have a nice paddle?
00:12:18I'll get you in the end, you little minx.
00:12:26Well, Doctor?
00:12:28Yes, I'm afraid you're pregnant again, Mrs. Jenkins.
00:12:30What?
00:12:32You're pregnant again!
00:12:33Oh, no, not again.
00:12:35It's too much.
00:12:36It really is.
00:12:37I thought you were going to stop all that nonsense.
00:12:39What?
00:12:40I thought you were going to stop having relations.
00:12:43Oh, I've tried, Doctor.
00:12:45But you know what it is?
00:12:46My husband gets into bed and he says,
00:12:48Are you going to sleep or what?
00:12:50And you say, what?
00:12:52Well, that settles it this time.
00:12:55Whether he likes it or not, I'm going to use something from now on.
00:12:58You better, Mrs. Jenkins.
00:13:00What do you think's the safest, Doctor?
00:13:02For you, Mrs. Jenkins, a hearing aid.
00:13:05What?
00:13:05Oh, dear.
00:13:13Come on, son, hurry up.
00:13:15I want to get you in there by six.
00:13:16I'm nearly ready.
00:13:18Funny, women always take the long time dressing.
00:13:20Especially when they're men.
00:13:26Well, this is the best I can do.
00:13:28Oh, fancy you, dear.
00:13:30Cyril!
00:13:31You look...
00:13:32You look lovely!
00:13:34Come off it.
00:13:35Hello, Jimmy.
00:13:35Get off!
00:13:36Leave her alone.
00:13:38What do you think, Dad?
00:13:40Dad?
00:13:41What's the matter?
00:13:42Nothing.
00:13:43It's a bit of a shock, that's all.
00:13:45I've seen your poor old mum standing there again.
00:13:48Well, I think he looks lovely.
00:13:50He could have fooled me any time.
00:13:51Yeah, well, that shouldn't be too difficult.
00:13:53I still think we ought to get a woman to do it.
00:13:55No, no, son.
00:13:57In this business, you'll never want to trust a woman to do anything you can do yourself.
00:14:02Well, I reckon he'll pass.
00:14:03What do you say, Fred?
00:14:04Oh, I think, you know, couldn't he do with a bit more here?
00:14:07What for?
00:14:08Well, I agree with Freddie.
00:14:09I'd like to see a bit more.
00:14:10You would.
00:14:12Don't you realise that's the point?
00:14:13He doesn't want to draw attention to himself, does he?
00:14:16If you make him any bigger, everybody's going to start gawping, aren't they?
00:14:18I could stick a couple of socks in there, Dad.
00:14:20No, no, no.
00:14:21Forget it.
00:14:21They're just a couple of knockers.
00:14:23Them, I mean.
00:14:25Look at that.
00:14:27The skirt's a bit tight, isn't it?
00:14:28I like seeing women in tight skirts, especially from behind.
00:14:32Shut up.
00:14:34What you got under here, tin drawers?
00:14:41What the hell have you got your trousers on for?
00:14:43What's the matter?
00:14:43Nobody's going to look up there, are they?
00:14:45How do you know?
00:14:46You're a nurse, aren't you?
00:14:47A patient might drop in a dead faint at your feet.
00:14:50Come to, look up.
00:14:51What's she going to see?
00:14:52A lot more without these on.
00:14:55Shut up laughing.
00:14:56Did you get the knickers?
00:14:57Yeah, black lace ones.
00:14:59I'll get some strange looks from the shop assistants as well, I can tell you.
00:15:01No, don't get them.
00:15:02Go on.
00:15:03Dad, nurses don't wear black lace ones.
00:15:06They don't wear rolled up trousers either.
00:15:10Here they are.
00:15:12Well, those are all right.
00:15:13What's the matter with that?
00:15:14Apart from anything else, there's no opening in the front.
00:15:16Well, of course there isn't.
00:15:17Women don't have them.
00:15:18I know that.
00:15:18Well, shut up arguing and put them on.
00:15:20All right, Dad.
00:15:22Couldn't I go disguised as a male orderly?
00:15:24Are you a raving man?
00:15:26Have you ever heard of a male orderly wearing black lace knickers?
00:15:32Well, I certainly can't see anything wrong with your stomach, Sir Bernard.
00:15:35Yes.
00:15:36Well, I didn't really expect you to, you know.
00:15:38It was just one of Matron's foolish fancies and we have to humor her, you know.
00:15:42Yes.
00:15:42She always had a very soft spot for you, Sir Bernard.
00:15:45That's only to be expected.
00:15:46She admires a man of character.
00:15:49Well, I won't waste any more of your time, person.
00:15:51I must say your pelvic cavity is very interesting, though.
00:15:54Oh?
00:15:54In what way?
00:15:55Well, it's rather large for a man.
00:15:57More like a woman, do you see?
00:15:59Hmm.
00:16:01Yes, it is.
00:16:02Never used to be like that.
00:16:04Well, what does it mean?
00:16:05Well, it's nothing to worry about, Sir Bernard.
00:16:07On the contrary, as you well know, it can be a great asset when it comes to childbearing.
00:16:12Oh, yes.
00:16:14Well, if you'll excuse me, person.
00:16:15I have a lot to do.
00:16:17A woman's work is never done.
00:16:18I mean, a man's work is never fun.
00:16:24It can't be.
00:16:25Oh.
00:16:26It's impossible.
00:16:30Sit down with you.
00:16:32Name, please?
00:16:33Smethurst.
00:16:35Oh, yes.
00:16:35I have some good news for you, Mrs. Smethurst.
00:16:37Miss Smethurst?
00:16:39Oh.
00:16:40In that case, I have some bad news for you, Miss Smethurst.
00:16:43Oh.
00:16:44Oh.
00:16:46Oh.
00:16:46Oh.
00:16:46Oh.
00:16:47Oh.
00:16:52Oh, yes, sir.
00:16:52Good morning, Doctor.
00:16:53Good morning, good to close off.
00:16:54I'll be with you in a minute.
00:16:55Oh, dear.
00:16:55I don't think that'll be necessary, thank you, Doctor.
00:16:58Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
00:16:59I wasn't expecting you, Matron.
00:17:00Obviously.
00:17:01I'd like to talk to you about Mrs. Tidy in Bunward.
00:17:04Oh, I know. The one with the bottomless stomach.
00:17:06I think we ought to induce labor this evening.
00:17:09Oh, yeah? What does the old rabbi say?
00:17:11If by the old rabbi you mean Sir Bernard Cutting,
00:17:14he's quite prepared to leave the final decision to you.
00:17:17Strange as that may seem.
00:17:19Oh, well, if you say this evening that's all right with me, Matron.
00:17:21Thank you, Doctor.
00:17:24Oh, incidentally, I'm expecting some more student nurses today.
00:17:29Oh, really?
00:17:29I would like to point out that they are in this hospital to further their education.
00:17:34Don't you worry, Matron. I shall do everything I possibly can with them.
00:17:38That's just what I wish to avoid.
00:17:50Now, remember, I just wanted to find out where they keep the stuff
00:17:52and get me a plan of the hospital.
00:17:54Yes, but what happens if somebody stops me and asks me what I'm doing?
00:17:57Well, that's the beauty of this nurse's gear.
00:17:59Nobody's even going to give you a second look.
00:18:01It's the first look I'm worried about.
00:18:02You've no need to be so honest.
00:18:04You look lovely.
00:18:05Will you stop telling him he looks lovely?
00:18:07Well, he does.
00:18:09All right, all right.
00:18:09We'll drop the whole thing and put him in for Miss World.
00:18:11Yes, a load of nurses arriving now, look.
00:18:16Top of us five.
00:18:17They must be going on duty.
00:18:18Go on, how's your chance?
00:18:19Hey?
00:18:19Just tag along behind him.
00:18:22Well, go on.
00:18:22Get a move on.
00:18:23I can't move fast, Dad.
00:18:24These damn knickers are too tight.
00:18:26It's much safer that way.
00:18:27Ask any girl.
00:18:28Do you mind.
00:18:29Come on, hurry up.
00:18:34That's it, son.
00:18:35Now, remember, we're depending on you.
00:18:36Good luck.
00:18:37Yeah.
00:18:37I'm going to need it.
00:18:40That's my girl.
00:18:55Report to the desk, girls.
00:19:03Excuse me, miss.
00:19:04Are you with the others?
00:19:07Oh, er...
00:19:09Yes, that's right.
00:19:10Over there.
00:19:11Oh.
00:19:12Er...
00:19:20Name?
00:19:21Carter.
00:19:22Carter.
00:19:23First name?
00:19:24Cyril.
00:19:25Cyril?
00:19:26Er...
00:19:27Cyril.
00:19:28C-Y-R-I-L...
00:19:30Double L-E.
00:19:32Cyril.
00:19:33Very unusual name.
00:19:35Er...
00:19:36It's a surreal...
00:19:36It's a real name.
00:19:37Would you like to sit over there with the rest, please?
00:19:41Er...
00:19:42Can't you sit down, Nurse Carter?
00:19:44No, I can't.
00:19:45What?
00:19:47The, er...
00:19:48The elastic's gone.
00:19:49Oh, dear.
00:19:50Yeah.
00:19:50I don't suppose you've got the safety pin, have you?
00:19:54Yes.
00:20:20Lots of money, this place is...
00:20:23You can come out there, y'all.
00:20:23Shavasana.
00:20:23You've seen the reasons why Kylsel...
00:20:23That's what I like.
00:20:32sorry didn't mean to scare you haven't you made a mistake how do you mean this is the gents yes
00:20:38i know it is oh uh uh knickers i mean look i'm totally sorry please forgive me i don't mind
00:20:48in
00:20:49the least i mean no need to worry i won't tell a soul about what black lace ones eh very
00:20:56kinky hey
00:21:04dr prod i've been waiting for you oh there you are matron i'm just looking for you that is the
00:21:10last
00:21:11place you would have found me i see what you mean and may i ask what that nurse was doing
00:21:16in there
00:21:17pinning up a knicker uh no the poor kid just made a mistake went in the wrong door and you
00:21:22just
00:21:22happened to be in there yeah no no no i i went in after her that i can believe mrs
00:21:31kemp i'm rather
00:21:32busy at the moment would you mind taking the nurses to the home and allocate rooms certainly matron
00:21:37all right girls come along follow me please
00:21:50when you finish dr prod perhaps we can carry on with the business of the hospital
00:21:56after you matron
00:22:22hello mrs tardy and how are we this evening no complaints thank you doctor good good
00:22:26except that uh yes they were a bit stingy with the potatoes tonight yes well i'm not so much
00:22:32concerned with your input as your output oh there's no trouble there i'll go regular you
00:22:37are sister i think the doctor's referring to your baby mrs tidy why there's nothing wrong with it is
00:22:42there oh no he just seems to be reluctant to put in an appearance that's all oh well when you
00:22:47look
00:22:47how the world is today there's nothing worth coming out for is there i mean the world's in a shocking
00:22:52state you take the common part i think we'll give a bit of a nudge show me you're not going
00:22:57to stick
00:22:57that in the poor little beggar no only into you mrs tidy no no you're not puncturing me it's for
00:23:03your
00:23:03own good you've gone on far too long i don't care i'm having my kid naturally if i have to
00:23:09lie
00:23:10here for the rest of my life sister don't be silly mrs tidy this won't harm you or the baby
00:23:16i can promise you
00:23:17i'm not having it i tell you now please hold still
00:23:25so sorry mrs tidy if you kick me again i warn you i'll i'll put you on a strict diet
00:23:34what's better now then oh well i haven't touched you yet oh what's the matter it's it's starting oh
00:23:42are you sure it isn't indigestion again it can't be i've hardly had a thing to eat all day
00:23:47all right sister take her down to delivery yes please oh oh but but let me finish finish
00:23:54in the first oh all right doctor you may go hey oh what am i going to do with this
00:24:02well i'm sure
00:24:03you don't require any suggestions from me doctor
00:24:14put a call through for mr tidy his wife started labor what again well let's hope she finishes this
00:24:19mr is this sir bernard's mail uh yes making last delivery oh i'll take it to him i want to
00:24:24see how he is
00:24:29first signs of physical change
00:24:37yes who is who is it who is it it's matron sir bernard uh just a moment
00:24:54i'm sorry sir bernard i didn't know you were changing changing what are you talking about i'm not
00:25:00changing that's a lie do you hear it's a lie your clothes sir bernard
00:25:04oh my god sorry i thought you were inferring that i well don't keep staring at me as if i
00:25:11were a freak
00:25:12oh you misunderstand me sir bernard oh no i don't i know what you are thinking and let me tell
00:25:18you i'm
00:25:19a man like any other man oh no i cannot agree with that what you have something very few men
00:25:27have
00:25:28what do you mean greatness oh well it's no denying that naturally if i may say so sir bernard i
00:25:37think
00:25:37you've been overdoing it overdoing it what do you mean overdoing overdoing what work uh it's time you
00:25:43had a holiday i think i don't want a holiday and will you kindly stop fussing over me i'm only
00:25:48thinking
00:25:48of you well stop thinking of me go away very well sir bernard oh i nearly forgot you're male yes
00:25:57i am and i
00:25:58can prove it do you hear prove it
00:26:23what do you think oh how's it happened not yet i don't think oh thank heavens i'm in time oh
00:26:30oh no i can't stay here
00:26:49madge can you come up and help me with my hair but i'm undressed so what i'm in a hurry
00:27:13hello hello hello dad
00:27:16sharon what's up i've got into a spot of bother what already what's happened where are you i'm in
00:27:22this nurse's bedroom nurse's bedroom you're supposed to be finding out where the stuff is
00:27:26and don't tell me it's right there no dad they seem to think i was a new student nurse so
00:27:32they put
00:27:32me in this room oh my god i told you not to do anything that would draw attention to you
00:27:37but i
00:27:37couldn't help it if i hadn't had to go to the gents to pin up me knickers it wouldn't have
00:27:41happened
00:27:41you went to the gents to pin up your knickers look dad i haven't got time to explain it now
00:27:47but i can't stay here why not another nurse lives in this room so what she's not on to you
00:27:51is she no
00:27:52but she will be when i get undressed to go to bed i'll tell you what get undressed under your
00:27:56nighty
00:27:56your mum always used to do that before we got married dad i haven't got a nighty all right son
00:28:01all right all right don't panic don't go to bed that's it now try and find out something this
00:28:07evening and i'll be along later yes but hello someone in there dad i'll have to go now there's
00:28:13someone at the door right i'll be in the father's waiting room now you try and get a plan of
00:28:17the
00:28:28hospital oh no you're beautiful i'm totally sorry i didn't mean to be personal oh oh that's all right
00:28:47you just keep saying things like that and you and i are gonna get along just fine um what do
00:28:52i call
00:28:52you uh surreal all right surreal let's see if we can't make you feel at home blue and bathroom in
00:28:58there and that's your bed there oh thanks where's your luggage i haven't got any i lost it the the
00:29:04railway station well i can let you have anything you might need oh no i'm perfectly all right thanks
00:29:08you find you won't need a night in here this place is so well heated you can sleep in the
00:29:13raw
00:29:14i always do oh no i shan't be staying here oh come here don't talk like that you know once
00:29:23you settle
00:29:24down you'll find you'll like it here it's a good hospital and there's still quite a few young
00:29:29doctors who are still prepared to take no for an answer all except for old prod that is oh dear
00:29:37you
00:29:37want to watch out for him do you know he collects nurses like some men collect big game trophies
00:29:45around here we call in the taxidermist you're not going to bed now are you oh good heavens no
00:29:52now i'm going to grab me a quick shower because i've got a date
00:30:05oh these rotten catches so real would you mind undoing it for me
00:30:32oh
00:30:33oh hello do forgive me sir bernard i was miles away oh yes of course well perhaps i should come
00:30:39back some other time oh no i'm back now and what can i do for you sir bernard well i've
00:30:45got a bit
00:30:45of a problem we all would you care to i can't do it lying down oh dear me you do
00:30:52have a problem
00:30:54no i mean i prefer to sit down if you don't mind don't mind if it turns you on who
00:30:59cares yes now
00:31:00look here dr good you must understand this interview must be purely off the record i can
00:31:05assure you that anything you say to me will go into one ear and out of the other yes that
00:31:10doesn't
00:31:10altogether surprise me as a matter of fact i was talking to my wife only the other day hamlet i
00:31:15said oh i call her hamlet because she thinks she's a great dane isn't it silly dr good i'm not
00:31:22interested in your wife well that's a funny thing neither am i shall we forget her with pleasure
00:31:28good now what was it i wanted to talk to you about it's the other way around is it what
00:31:34is
00:31:34a conversation i mean i came here to consult you oh well that puts a different light on the whole
00:31:40matter
00:31:40to consult thank you i was wondering if you personally had ever thought about the possibilities
00:31:47of having a sex change well as a matter of fact i'm quite happy as i am but thank you
00:31:54very much
00:31:54as i've heard that no i don't mean you i mean generally speaking have you ever known of a case
00:32:00of a man turning into a woman no but i've heard of one who turned into a one-way street
00:32:07doctor please be serious you see i have this patient who genuinely thinks that he is turning
00:32:13into a woman dear me are there any physical changes oh no well i don't think so i haven't
00:32:20looked for the last two hours i mean at him i've looked at him no i think it's a purely
00:32:23mental
00:32:24obsession has he had any experience of the opposite sex oh no no he hasn't a time i mean i
00:32:30he hasn't
00:32:31had his career he's been far too busy with his career ah then i think i understand your patient is
00:32:36suffering from a pent-up desire to prove to himself that he is a man you think so yes yes
00:32:44you may be
00:32:46right i'm sure i am and i would recommend that he finds a suitable partner as quickly as possible
00:32:51and by suitable you mean willing and able yes oh i feel better already for him i feel better for
00:33:00him i
00:33:00i mean oh thank you doctor good you'll be most helpful oh i can't tell you oh please i'll i'll
00:33:07get
00:33:07onto it right away
00:33:14ah matron any news i'm afraid not mr tidy what's she doing well at this moment consuming a large plate
00:33:22of fish cakes fish cakes ever since she's got pregnant she's had this craving for fish cakes even in the
00:33:29middle of the ruddy night you know she must have polished up thousands of them i'll tell you one
00:33:34thing if ever this child gets born it's gonna be smothered in breadcrumbs ah dr prod you're in
00:33:42emergency tonight thanks our matron we're standing by for a possible premature oh no well i don't think
00:33:48you'll mind when you find out who she is i should be up in my room if i'm required after
00:33:51what did she
00:33:53mean by that who is it that's coming in jane darling the film star really i know it's my pin
00:34:02-up girl
00:34:07dad oh good evening
00:34:14excuse me that's all right lost again yes yes that's right excuse me you know love what you want is
00:34:20a
00:34:20planner this place how did you know well can you think of any better way of getting to know your
00:34:24way
00:34:24around oh yes i see what you mean well if you excuse me i've got a plan up in my
00:34:28room
00:34:30have you really all the doctors have one i'd like to see yours likewise in your room you say that's
00:34:37it room 15 on the fifth floor if you'd like to come up in 10 minutes i'll i'll show it
00:34:41to you if i
00:34:42come will you promise to behave naturally all right then i'll be there
00:34:50and when i behave naturally i never get any complaints
00:34:59yes who is it it's me frankie
00:35:15it is all right for tonight isn't it yes but i'm so frightened somebody's going to see you
00:35:20coming here one night oh get away with you it's only once a week yes but you know how gossip
00:35:25goes
00:35:25around the hospital and after all you are a married man francis yes i know but as i've told you
00:35:30my wife
00:35:30doesn't like it i can't think why not no she thinks it's a waste of time do you know she
00:35:36won't
00:35:36even look at it oh what a shame yes and a man needs a little relaxation when he comes home
00:35:42yes of
00:35:42course that's why i'm so thrilled you like it as much as i do well as long as we're careful
00:35:58well should be a good one tonight yes if it's anything like last week that was wonderful cheers
00:36:15are you ready are you ready i can't think why your wife doesn't like it
00:36:36it's the best program on television oh i know but you know she'd rather curl up on a hearth rag
00:36:42with
00:36:42a good bone no one's coming on and now it's time for this week's exciting episode of the surgeon
00:36:54the surgeons the everyday drama of a great hospital last week we left nurse spencer unconscious on the
00:37:01operating table while dr carpenter her lover prepared to fight for her life still unaware that
00:37:07his estranged wife rachel had secretly substituted a cylinder of deadly carbon dioxide gas in place of
00:37:14her life-giving oxygen yes what do you want you remember me mr archgis i was here this morning oh
00:37:26yes
00:37:26i thought you'd had your baby no i'm leaving that to the missus oh well you know where to go
00:37:31thank you
00:37:38i think you haven't had it yet then no i reckon it'll be here tonight though well you'll be lucky
00:37:45i've been here every night for the last ten days they sent for me don't mean a thing that's the
00:37:50way
00:37:50they work around here when in doubt sent for the ruddy father yeah well that will teach you to turn
00:37:56over
00:37:56and go back to sleep next time won't it that's not funny my old woman's waited seven years to have
00:38:02a baby she didn't even have done that no no i had the same trouble when i kept chickens
00:38:08used to get plenty of eggs but the hands could never produce baby chicks oh no until somebody
00:38:13told me what to do what was that change the cock oh that's very funny i don't think
00:38:21mr grant yes congratulations you've got a fine boy oh hi what about me then i was here before him
00:38:33better luck next time i'll get shunted
00:39:06oh no no i can't stay nonsense of course you can
00:39:20just so we're not disturbed
00:39:23now then what about a little drink oh no no i never touch it oh cigarette then no i never
00:39:29touch them
00:39:33well that leaves only one thing to offer you i never touch that either oh come on love you haven't
00:39:38come out to my room to play games you're dead right i came to look at your plan who cares
00:39:41about the damn
00:39:41plan plan plan first i've been planning all ruddy evening it's time for action now i shall scream
00:39:46let's just leave me turn me turn me turn me turn me turn oh there you are but you know
00:39:58damn well he didn't come up here just for that
00:40:01oh yes this is just what i wanted and this is just what i wanted head off
00:40:14now then what do they keep the pills hey you know the pill i was told there's a big store
00:40:19of them
00:40:19here oh okay you know down in the basement here but i can't get you any now love you're locked
00:40:25up
00:40:26oh i don't want it for myself oh good get off
00:40:32oh
00:40:33is this the only way down to the basin oh that's enough of a damn
00:40:35love we're wasting time oh i haven't finished with it yet what are you doing
00:40:39you give it a bag you promise you'll give it to me i will too but but not that
00:40:43it's not mine so come on come and get it oh you want to play games no no i didn't
00:40:48mean no no get off
00:40:49i'm hurting me get off get away take your hands oh take your hands
00:41:02what's this then eh rolled up socks why you little cheese what else you got down here
00:41:08get off come here get off that's enough i don't have to use any rough stuff i wouldn't if i
00:41:13were you
00:41:13love i was boxing champ but guys let me go please you'll be sorry let me go try and make
00:41:18me love
00:41:20who's that me oh god what a woman hey hey love oh come out love here now
00:41:37don't be there within half an hour hey doc you're wanted oh blast what is it the premature
00:41:47film star our old man just been on it's starting damn it is the ambulance here yeah waiting outside
00:41:51look there's the address right you get it yeah here it is what's this oh sorry dad it's one of
00:42:03bristols that's it let's go but we can't go on an emergency without a nurse i'm sorry doctor i am
00:42:11only an attendant i just came up all right hang on a minute hang on a minute hang on ah
00:42:15you'll do
00:42:15nicely what what do you do let me go i'm sorry we've got a little job i don't want to
00:42:19go i don't
00:42:21leave me alone will you that driver touched my bottom something tells me sir was taking this job too
00:42:32seriously
00:42:33nurse forceps scapel swabs
00:42:48more oxygen sister quick more swabs who's that just as it was getting exciting too
00:42:58yes who is it ah it's me matron the bernard i'd like to come in sir bernard just a moment
00:43:05sir bernard i can't find you in my room i'll hide this way this way here
00:43:15how could i go
00:43:32oh
00:43:32oh i'm so sorry sir bernard i was just in the middle of undressing oh don't let me stop you
00:43:37matron i beg your pardon i'm very broad-minded you know i might not even look the other way
00:43:43sir bernard do you think it's quite wise coming to my room at night people might misunderstand i don't
00:43:47think so they'll merely think we're having a bit of the old slap and tickle well clearly why not
00:43:53after all it's perfectly natural you're a man and i'm a woman but sir bernard are you sure you're
00:43:57feeling quite yourself oh on the contrary i've never felt more like it myself i mean oh don't you
00:44:04think you ought to go and lie down now you're getting the idea no no no i mean in your
00:44:09room
00:44:10oh well why it's much more comfortable here come on let's sit down what on earth was that oh yeah
00:44:18i thought it was just the spring oh i thought it sounded like breaking glass and that would never
00:44:22do would it remember what happened to the skipper i'm sure you're not feeling well sir bernard do you
00:44:28feel hot very oh i should go get my thermometer oh that's not what i want what is it then
00:44:33matron a
00:44:34man and a woman are here to fulfill one basic function you know what that is don't you well
00:44:40i should do after 15 years in a maternity hospital that's what's wrong with me i need to prove myself
00:44:46as a man well the proof of the pudding is in the eating exactly so will you lay the table
00:44:51or shall i get
00:44:51to screw it out savannah you can't be suggested why not you know there's a mutual attraction between
00:44:57us you must have felt it working together all these years side by side brushing against each other
00:45:04oh so you felt it too that exciting tingling i've only got to think of you and i have a
00:45:10tingle oh how
00:45:11wonderful but i never thought that you wanted me to desperately oh i don't know what to say
00:45:19it's all so sudden oh my dear i don't expect you to make up your mind immediately take your time
00:45:26think it over for a couple of minutes oh you're all of a tingle aren't you oh tingle tingle
00:45:34hello tingle here matron here oh yes arthur uh i see uh has the ambulance left well if you could
00:45:44get in
00:45:45touch with that was arthur there's an emergency coming in in half an hour oh damn it then the
00:45:56time for thinking is past to give me your answer will you oh i don't know what to say yes
00:46:01or no
00:46:02well yes and no yeah what what does that mean yes and no well yes if you're asking me to
00:46:07marry you
00:46:07and no if you're not well i don't have to get married to prove myself well you do to prove
00:46:12yourself
00:46:13with me how do we know we're physically suited to each other i mean it's like do it yourself with
00:46:17the wallpaper isn't it wallpaper yes you don't just go into the shop and buy enough the whole room you
00:46:21tear yourself off a little strip and try it that may be so but you're not going to stick me
00:46:27up against the
00:46:27wall better step on it doctor she's pretty near don't worry all that she's in good hands even got a
00:46:35nurse good luck darling i'll be long as soon as i can park the au pair she won't stay in
00:46:42the house
00:46:42alone at night you see all right let's go bye
00:46:55okay darling okay darling
00:47:08is it bad miss darling oh yes i can give you a jab to kill it for a bit if
00:47:13you like
00:47:14yes please doctor right nurse in that case there you'll find a hypo go on a hypodermic oh
00:47:23what this thing that's it fill it from that bottle there the one labeled pathogen
00:47:29that's easy take it easy won't be long now miss darling
00:47:34hurry up nurse i'm coming
00:47:38oh you idiot you're giving me the lock oh quickly do something yes miss right away miss
00:47:47dr hem me it's coming oh no no i do not believe in free love and what's more i think
00:47:55it's very
00:47:56insulting of you to ask me well you don't believe in paying for it do you i don't want to
00:48:01hear any
00:48:01more and i think you'd better go before you say something you may regret i know what it is there
00:48:08someone else isn't there you've got a lover already haven't you certainly not it's just that i'm a
00:48:14simple woman with simple tastes and i want to be wooed oh you can be as wooed as you like
00:48:19with me
00:48:20oh no you don't understand i wouldn't be made a fuss of i want to be given chocolates and flowers
00:48:26oh well
00:48:27here you are and i'll buy you a packet of fruit and nut tomorrow now come on stop messing about
00:48:33i didn't think it was possible that someone could go down to the death that you've got
00:48:39and be oh oh i'm only flesh and blood i'm tingling like a beast to flame with passion burning with
00:48:47desire
00:48:48i'm here i told you i was not stuffed didn't i oh all right all right don't panic i'll see
00:48:56to it
00:49:02and we'll make it from now then don't panic this will be all right now there here we go
00:49:07you see that's how the month there's my arrow to hang out
00:49:14joe jezebel oh bernard i can explain listen they just phone look here's the message look look
00:49:21jane darling i've been taken to finish him hospital eh look i can't help that mate i'll tell you she's
00:49:25not
00:49:25here yet it's true we were just watching television in the wardrobe oh the indignity
00:49:30well i shouldn't be able to hold up my head again you best come quick hey come on dick
00:49:39prod good gracious what happened to him don't ask me sir we just found him like that when we opened
00:49:45up
00:49:45he's drunk that's not all sir take a look inside oh triplets nurse did you yes she did and she
00:49:56was
00:49:56absolutely wonderful three little darlings three darlings
00:50:05right now this is the store room where they keep all the stuff down in the basement oh yeah
00:50:10where'd i have all the babies then up in the ward stupid where do you think well it doesn't always
00:50:15follow my mum had me on top of a bus i'm glad you told us that makes the job much
00:50:20easier number 73 it
00:50:21was bang in the middle of brixton high street all right all right so you're a born traveler now will
00:50:26you shut up for a minute and listen now as far as i can see the only way we can
00:50:30get into the basement
00:50:31here is through the front door of the hospital there can't be right why not number 73 don't go to
00:50:36brixton oh god it does does not go from marble large out to putney and wimbledon it can't do yes
00:50:44how could i have been born in brixton oh shatter well i would know where i was born didn't i
00:50:48i don't
00:50:48care where you were born it's bad enough it happened have we got more important things to talk about
00:50:54now then as far as i can see we you're both wrong the 73 goes to holloway it does not
00:51:00i mean i
00:51:01don't know i used to catch it on the way to visit the old woman when she was in the
00:51:04nick now you're
00:51:05thinking of the 116. i am not thinking of the 116. it goes down a ball's pond road and it
00:51:10turns left
00:51:11into islington what are you talking about after putney it goes i want a load of rubbish it goes that
00:51:15goes
00:51:15through the fuzz wait wait a minute wait what are we doing we're not wanted for anything yet oh yeah
00:51:25that's
00:51:25right see who it is papers it's only the papers all right then here there's a picture of cyril on
00:51:43the
00:51:43front page let me see oh no there's one in this one too let's have a look oh yeah it's
00:51:55a good
00:51:55likeness isn't it yeah great says here about something happened to the doctor in the ambulance
00:52:00blimey cyril delivered the babies you know just shows you what a good education can do for you
00:52:04don't it fancy old cyril and heroin do you think you'll get a medal you'll get a kick up the
00:52:09back
00:52:09side that's what you'll get well i only asked what's he done what's he done he just about ruined the
00:52:15whole thing that's what he's done take it easy i said to him don't do anything that'll draw any
00:52:19attention to you i said he couldn't have drawn more bloody attention if he'd had the kids himself
00:52:23i gotta get down there
00:52:31well mrs tidy another false alarm i see afraid so matron do you know what i think all that talk
00:52:37of injecting me put him off possibly still it's nice to be back i don't like that delivery room
00:52:43it's not very comfortable is it well it isn't meant for comfort mrs tidy well it looks as if we'll
00:52:49have to try something else doesn't it well now you mention it i wouldn't mind some of those sausages
00:53:21tomatoes
00:53:23what and she had the um no i'm afraid not mr tidy you may as well go back to your
00:53:29trains what again
00:53:30i can't do that what do i might say i should be a laughing stock well in your job you
00:53:35should be used
00:53:36to that i've got to be back at work on monday i know we're starting another strike then really
00:53:42well if it hasn't arrived by then i think i might join you now look here i'm not budging from
00:53:49here
00:53:49until she's had it and that's it well please yourself mr tidy but there's nothing more we can do about
00:53:54it
00:53:54what what dynamite that's what she needs you want dynamite morning sir bernard yes what is it matron
00:54:08i would like to apologize for what happened in my room matron if you're worried that i might be
00:54:13considering disciplinary action you needn't be we're all mature adult people and whatever goes on between
00:54:18you and dr good is no concern of mine however disgusting it may be but nothing goes on we're
00:54:26just good friends good i know all about good friends i had one at school yeah she was the groundsman's
00:54:32daughter but she never got off the ground that is a very uncalled for remarks about it and i shall
00:54:37expect an apology that's not all you're expecting i shouldn't wonder very well sir bernard but don't
00:54:43come to me again when you want to prove yourself i am a woman not a do-it-yourself good
00:54:51morning doctor
00:55:01have a bad night no thanks i just had one just exactly what did you do to my roommate last
00:55:08night
00:55:08your room mate yes nurse carter what did i do to her yes well she hasn't been back to the
00:55:15room all
00:55:15night she's just disappeared that's the best news of her today well i hope she's all right that's all
00:55:20i'm supposed to be looking after her believe me nurse ball that girl can look after herself have you
00:55:26done mrs brown's specimen what mrs brown's specimen yeah yeah it's done yeah take away
00:55:44good morning doctor oh mrs tucker isn't it do sit down mrs tucker thank you doctor
00:55:55now what's your problem well i came to see you three months ago if you remember because i was going
00:55:59to get married and i was a little bit worried about my husband being able to have a baby
00:56:04yes that's right he was a bit older than you wasn't he 88 yes and well if you remember you
00:56:12suggested
00:56:12it might be a good idea if i were to take in a lodger you know someone a little near
00:56:16my own age yes but
00:56:18purely off the record of course well it worked i'm pregnant really what about your husband oh he's
00:56:24tickled pink oh that's all right then what about the lodger well that's the trouble she's pregnant too
00:56:33nurse carter i've been worried about you where have you been fast asleep in the sluice room
00:56:38machen i couldn't stand all that fuss last night i just had to get away but you acted splendidly my
00:56:43dear we're all very proud of you oh no mason i don't think i'm cut out to be a nurse
00:56:47i want to
00:56:48pack it all in oh nonsense you're just tired now you take the day off have a nice rest and
00:56:52tomorrow
00:56:52you'll feel quite differently about it i'm sure oh no i won't take it from me i've had hundreds of
00:56:58capable nurses through my hands and you have that extra little something the others haven't got how
00:57:03did you know excuse me matron but the dispensary is right out of pen britain oh well i should go
00:57:07to
00:57:07my room get the key and meet you in the store now nurse ball take nurse carter to your room
00:57:11and put her
00:57:12to bed immediately oh no oh yes do as i say come along matrons pet let's go to bye-by's
00:57:21i think i can manage from here thank you oh i may as well see you into bed no i
00:57:25i'd rather be alone
00:57:26if you don't mind oh please yourself thank you i don't believe it
00:57:47i just couldn't go without making sure you're okay oh yes perfectly thank you only you fell
00:57:52right on your chest i hope you didn't do it any damage oh no it's fine oh good well now
00:58:00i'm here
00:58:01i might as well help you get undressed oh no i can manage by myself thank you oh come on
00:58:04don't
00:58:04see you see no honestly i don't need any help oh good heavens what are you worried about as a
00:58:08nurse
00:58:09i've had to undress plenty of men before i dare say but that's beside the point i mean some people
00:58:13you said men then you know them but how well when you tripped on the stairs just now i saw
00:58:20something
00:58:21that left no doubt at all oh well that's it then isn't it i've met some pretty kinky nurses in
00:58:28my time
00:58:29but never one who wore striped shorts oh well i pinched those last night when i split the black lace
00:58:34ones i'd love to have seen that i don't have to bother with this damn thing anymore oh that's much
00:58:44better you know you're really quite dishy i bet you say that to all the female impersonators now would
00:58:51you mind telling me why the hell did you do it for a bit or something oh no it was
00:58:56nothing like that
00:58:56oh i see you just felt the urge to become a nurse and deliver a few kids hey oh no
00:59:01honestly i didn't
00:59:02know that was going to happen well why then we are roommates and roommates ought not to have secrets
00:59:07you won't like it if i tell you well i'm not forcing you to oh no please don't go
00:59:12because i'd like you to know you see it all started
00:59:23oh yeah i wonder if you could tell me where i could find nurse carter are you from the press
00:59:28oh no i'm his father then she's my son my my daughter i got so many kids it gets confusing
00:59:37well mr carter she's resting at the moment she had a very hard night yes i know well i'm sure
00:59:43she'd like to see me just for a few minutes well since you're her father she's at number 16
00:59:48the nurse's home that's outside and turn right okay what is mr hotchkiss doing here mr hotchkiss matron
01:00:06yes the man who just went out oh that wasn't mr hotchkiss matron that was mr carter nurse carter's
01:00:13father i could have sworn that what did he want to see his daughter i think i sent him to
01:00:20the nurse's
01:00:21home did you there's something funny going on here i told you you wouldn't like it you're a crook
01:00:33i don't believe it well i'm not a proper one it's my first go at it actually and i only
01:00:37did it to
01:00:38please me dad to pinch pills but that's ridiculous yeah i agree it's stupid you have to tell them i
01:00:44suppose well yes i i suppose i should but oh i don't know i just don't think they'd believe it
01:00:51well i better get back to work you mean you're not going to not going to what tell them about
01:00:57me
01:00:57and what i'm doing here what about you what are you doing here you're lovely do you know that ah
01:01:04you're not so bad yourself what was that for for being kind enough not to undo my bra when i
01:01:10asked
01:01:11you to yesterday i'm glad you brought that up here stop it
01:01:28excuse me
01:01:36dad this is my roommate susan oh hello hello is that the one you're worried about sharing a room with
01:01:44yeah that's right i sent you to the wrong school will you excuse me i've got to get back
01:01:51what do you think you're doing kissing nurses and without your wig on you might have given yourself
01:01:55away oh don't be silly dad she knows all about it i know they all do these that you mean
01:02:00she knows
01:02:00about us yeah but don't worry she won't tell anyone well that settles up we've got to do the job
01:02:03tonight
01:02:04you mean you're still going through with it of course i'm going through with it well don't expect any
01:02:08help from me now son son don't let me down we're depending on you to get us in here now
01:02:12i'm sorry
01:02:12dad but you promised your mum now look dad gertie gertie if you're listening to your son now plug up
01:02:18your ear rolls it's too late you hear that noise what she's turning in her grave all right all right
01:02:27dad i'll do it good boy just tell me what you want me to do well stop doing that for
01:02:31a start
01:02:38now we'll be here at 11 o'clock sharp you got that yes now we don't want any more slip
01:02:42-ups this
01:02:42time so please try and be careful how did that nurse get onto you in the first place she saw
01:02:46these
01:02:46striped pants when i tripped down the stairs well we can't take a chance on that happening again
01:02:50you'll have to take them off what take your pants off oh no get them off what's going on in
01:02:57there open
01:02:57this door at once i'm gonna get out that's a loop yes carter are you all right yes open this
01:03:06door
01:03:06open this door at once i know there's a man in there let her in oh oh you poor child
01:03:23where is he
01:03:23where is the filthy beast
01:03:40what do you want oh that's pretty nice of you but i haven't got the time
01:04:00oh
01:04:06all right
01:04:08come back
01:04:14Come back! I want you!
01:04:17My God! She's a sex maniac!
01:04:20Down!
01:04:27Good heavens! That's what's wrong with me!
01:04:29I love her!
01:04:35Miss Banks, I want to see Dr. Good immediately.
01:04:38Dr. Good Psychiatry, can I help you?
01:04:41Oh, Miss Banks. Does he?
01:04:44Ah, come in.
01:04:47Ah, good! My dear chap, come in and close the door, will you, old boy?
01:04:54You wanted to see me about something, Sir Bernard?
01:04:57Yes, and don't pretend you don't know what it is, you filthy beast!
01:05:01What?
01:05:01Don't try and deny it!
01:05:03I know what's been going on between you and Matron in her room every night,
01:05:09bouncing about together like a pair of ping-pong balls!
01:05:12I beg your pardon! We've never had so much as an ounce of a bounce!
01:05:16Don't expect me to believe all that claptrap about watching television!
01:05:22The set wasn't even turned on!
01:05:24Oh, no! We had it off before you came in!
01:05:27Ah! So you admit it, then?
01:05:30Certainly not! I've never felt about Matron in that way!
01:05:34But now you've come to mention it...
01:05:36Ah! I'll get the truth if I have to beat it out of you, you swine!
01:05:42No!
01:05:43No! No!
01:05:44Sir Bernard!
01:05:47Sir Bernard! No!
01:05:48Help!
01:05:49Help!
01:05:49Help!
01:05:50I'm coming off!
01:05:51I think Sir Bernard's upset about something, my Bansons!
01:05:53I'll kill him, dear!
01:05:54Sir Bernard, please, you mustn't!
01:05:56Get out of my way, Miss Bansons!
01:05:57I can't let you do it, Sir Bernard! Think of the scandal!
01:05:59Get out of my way!
01:06:02Well done!
01:06:03Now, time!
01:06:04Will you admit it?
01:06:05I've never even touched her, I swear it!
01:06:07Liar and lecher! Admit it! Admit it!
01:06:10I'm telling you the truth, I swear it newt's honour.
01:06:14You're a newt?
01:06:15Yes.
01:06:16I've been master of the Grand Order of Newt for five years.
01:06:19Really?
01:06:21Of course.
01:06:21And I was a tadpole for three years before that.
01:06:24But this is splendid.
01:06:27What pond do you belong to?
01:06:30Wapping an old stair.
01:06:32Really?
01:06:33Yes.
01:06:34I am a Grand Salamander Newt of the Watford Pond.
01:06:39You're not.
01:06:40Glub, glub, glub, glub.
01:06:42We swear to uphold the noble code of the Grand Order of Newt.
01:06:55Now, come on, Mrs Tidy, let's get to sleep.
01:06:58But I'm still hungry.
01:07:00It's not good to go to sleep on an empty stomach.
01:07:03Well, I'd hardly call yours empty, Mrs Tidy.
01:07:06She's had two of everything for supper, Matron, and two mugs of cocoa.
01:07:11Well, we can't let her go to sleep hungry, can we, sister?
01:07:15What about a nice big glass of castor oil?
01:07:18Good night.
01:07:50I'm going out to my room now, Arthur.
01:07:52Oh, right, Nathan. Should be a quiet night. Nothing on the books.
01:07:55Hope so. After last night.
01:08:04Who is it?
01:08:04It's me, Susan.
01:08:09Here you are.
01:08:10I think they're dry enough.
01:08:12Thanks a lot.
01:08:13And next time, be a bit more choosy about which nurse you have a bath with.
01:08:17They smell something awful.
01:08:18I didn't notice what she smelled like.
01:08:19No, you were too busy looking.
01:08:23Oh, go on. Go and get changed.
01:08:27Here, do you know something?
01:08:28I don't know what your name is.
01:08:30What is it really?
01:08:32Cyril!
01:08:33Oh, dear.
01:08:35Well, I suppose I'll get used to it.
01:08:37Does that mean you want to see me again, then?
01:08:39Well, that all depends on you, doesn't it?
01:08:41Well, you know I want to see you.
01:08:42Well, that's all very well,
01:08:44but I don't fancy being a gangster's mole.
01:08:47Look, I've told you.
01:08:48Honestly, I'm going to pack it all in.
01:08:50All right, nurse.
01:08:52It's a deal.
01:09:02How's the time?
01:09:04Two minutes to.
01:09:06Drive in slowly and park.
01:09:22Dad, wait a minute.
01:09:23Listen.
01:09:24Dad.
01:09:25Dad.
01:09:25Dad.
01:09:29Is that the one who tried to get matey with you?
01:09:32Yes, that's right.
01:09:33That's what I'm worried about.
01:09:34Get him out here.
01:09:35Me? How?
01:09:36You're a woman, aren't you?
01:09:37Flash him.
01:09:39Dad.
01:09:42You seem a bit down tonight, Doc?
01:09:44He'd be down too, mate,
01:09:45if you'd had 50 cc's of plethodin up the archipelago.
01:09:49There you talking about that.
01:09:50Here comes our little heroine.
01:09:51Oh, no.
01:09:53Oh, Dr. Prod.
01:09:54I wanted to apologize for what I did last night.
01:09:57Oh, it's all right, love.
01:09:58It only hurts when I sit down.
01:09:59Yes, but you've been so sweet about it
01:10:00that I feel that I owe you something in return.
01:10:03Oh, if you put it like that.
01:10:05What had you in mind?
01:10:07I was wondering whether you'd like to see
01:10:10me back to the nurse's home.
01:10:12Yes, I think I could just about manage it.
01:10:14Standing up.
01:10:22Want to know what it is about a maternity hospital
01:10:24that they all seem to be at it?
01:10:33Just a minute.
01:10:33What's the matter?
01:10:34I've got something for you.
01:10:36What is it?
01:10:36A little surprise.
01:10:37Close your eyes.
01:10:38Let me have it.
01:10:50All right.
01:10:51That's it.
01:10:52Get Ernie.
01:10:59All right, Ernie.
01:11:00This is it.
01:11:00How you get...
01:11:00Well, come on, jump.
01:11:02I can't jump in my condition.
01:11:05Bag.
01:11:05And you.
01:11:06Get the bag.
01:11:07Shh!
01:11:08Nurse!
01:11:08Get the bag!
01:11:10I'm pregnant and I've got to carry my own bag.
01:11:12Come on, hold of that.
01:11:13Hey, watch it.
01:11:14Just watch it.
01:11:15Slowly, careful, careful.
01:11:17Won't be long now, Mrs. Fogart.
01:11:19No?
01:11:20Here's your shoulder vein.
01:11:21Straight over to the list, Dad.
01:11:22Er, Doctor.
01:11:26Hey, what is all this?
01:11:28Er, er, it is all right.
01:11:30I am Doctor, er...
01:11:31Zhivago.
01:11:32I have here an emergency.
01:11:34Oh.
01:11:34Are they expecting you, Doctor?
01:11:37Expecting?
01:11:38What do you think this is?
01:11:39Wind?
01:11:40Don't you worry.
01:11:41The nurse knows all about it.
01:11:42Oh, well, you're in good hands with her, Doc.
01:11:44Ja, ja, ja, well.
01:11:45It's a proper little Florence de Nightingale.
01:11:58Doctor Zhivago.
01:12:01What do I tell you?
01:12:01Work like a charm.
01:12:02Oh.
01:12:03What's the matter?
01:12:04It just shows you the power of suggestion.
01:12:06What are you talking about?
01:12:07Well, I could have sworn I felt it kicking just then.
01:12:09You'll feel something kicking all right if you don't belt up.
01:12:11Come on, Freddy.
01:12:11Still here.
01:12:19We'll never pick that lock.
01:12:20Can't we blow it?
01:12:21That's right.
01:12:22Wake up the whole hospital.
01:12:23No.
01:12:23Only if we have to.
01:12:25Do you know where to keep the keys?
01:12:26Jim Mateson's got a set.
01:12:27Where will I find her?
01:12:27Up in her room.
01:12:28I expect on the fifth floor.
01:12:29You stay here with him.
01:12:30Wait a minute.
01:12:31Supposing it happens while you're gone.
01:12:33Supposing what happens?
01:12:34Well, I mean, I...
01:12:35I'm sorry.
01:12:36I keep thinking I'm really going to have one.
01:12:38I'll give you one in a minute.
01:12:40Here.
01:12:42You twerp.
01:12:48Oh.
01:12:50Excuse me, madame.
01:12:51Excuse me.
01:12:51That's quite all right.
01:12:52But what are you doing here?
01:12:54What do you want?
01:12:54I think we are lost.
01:12:56We look for the, um, how you say, removal room.
01:12:59No?
01:12:59Oh, you mean the delivery room.
01:13:02Jawohl.
01:13:03I don't know how you found your way here,
01:13:05but it's on the ground floor,
01:13:07along there,
01:13:07down the stairs.
01:13:09Ah, sÃ, sÃ.
01:13:10Gracias, mademoiselle.
01:13:11Gracias.
01:13:12Enchante.
01:13:16Con Frederico.
01:13:18Arrivederci.
01:13:37You said, good boy.
01:13:39You found him?
01:13:40What are we looking for?
01:13:41Oh, knickers.
01:13:43You said, I found him.
01:13:46Put him down.
01:13:48Well, what are we looking for?
01:13:50Keys, you fool.
01:13:51Oh, keys, you fool.
01:14:05Matron, it's me.
01:14:06May I come in?
01:14:07It's Bernard.
01:14:13Matron.
01:14:21Matron.
01:14:24Matron.
01:14:30Matron.
01:14:35Matron.
01:14:37i've come to apologize i misjudged you terribly oh and what's caused this sudden change sir
01:14:43bernard a desire to prove yourself again no no i was talking to dr good and he told me there
01:14:49was
01:14:49nothing between you and as a brother newt i believe him implicitly a brother newt yes we're
01:14:56both newts you know oh where'd you happen to meet in a jam jar perhaps oh now don't be like
01:15:02that
01:15:03matron say you'll forgive me please oh that's all very well sir bernard but the mere fact that you
01:15:08thought i could entertain a man in my room for the purpose of well that sort of thing what's wrong
01:15:12with that sort of thing i beg your pardon when two people are genuinely attracted to each other
01:15:20as you are to me desperately you're the medicine i've been wanting three times a day and shake
01:15:24well before taking oh you have such a romantic way of putting things i don't know what to say
01:15:29just say you'll have me come sir bernard sit beside me
01:15:41oh no not again don't i'll put those gas meters in some funny places excuse me madam
01:15:50matron how could you sir bernard i don't know what that man was doing down there no you should have
01:15:56shoved him in the cupboard like you did the last one but perhaps you've got one in there already
01:16:00already my god you have yes you've got woodworm in there all right miss we'll send you an estimate
01:16:10matron i've only got one thing to say to you never try to join the newts i've never seen those
01:16:15men
01:16:16they were outside the door come on let's get this door open did you get it no but we certainly
01:16:22stopped
01:16:22somebody else from getting it we should have to blow it turny get the stuff out come on hurry up
01:16:27get
01:16:27careful with it steady with it sorry
01:16:39looking for woodworm reading the gas meter i'm not a fool well you certainly are if you believe that
01:16:46i did you those men are up to no good arthur have you seen any suspicious men about suspicious matron
01:16:51yes one in the uniform the other in a dark suit with a beard oh you mean the uh man
01:16:56who came in
01:16:56with the emergency about quarter of an hour ago there you are what did i tell you emergency we're not
01:17:01expecting any emergencies are we well nurse carter seemed to know all about it sir bernard nurse
01:17:05carter where did they go oh up in the lift matron we'll get to the bottom of this arthur lock
01:17:10all the
01:17:11doors and don't let anyone in or out i'll find out
01:17:14all right come on get down
01:17:39what's going on get down
01:17:44all right
01:17:45all right
01:17:46mrs tarnie's all right just lie back just relax
01:17:54come on dad hurry up all right
01:17:57Cut it out.
01:17:58Here.
01:18:01Let's go.
01:18:11Blimey, that was quick, Doc.
01:18:13Yeah, it's my new method.
01:18:15I just whistle and out she comes.
01:18:17Pardon?
01:18:18Hey, you can't go out, Doc.
01:18:19I've locked the doors.
01:18:20Back one quick.
01:18:29Come on.
01:18:30Come on, come on.
01:18:30Down there.
01:18:31There they are.
01:18:35Come on.
01:18:37Through there.
01:18:55Oh, this is the maternity hospital here. I'd like to report an explosion.
01:19:01Where could they have got you?
01:19:03They must be round this way.
01:19:06No! No!
01:19:08Come on!
01:19:11Come on!
01:19:14No, Dad, come on.
01:19:20Oh, no, there'll be stockings.
01:19:28Look out.
01:19:30Mind me, Bob. Mind me, Bob.
01:19:34Make some through here, quickly.
01:19:38Dirty lappies!
01:19:42Come on, I'll be trim the wards.
01:19:57Miss me!
01:20:00Miss me!
01:20:02Come on!
01:20:04Come on, Dad!
01:20:18Mr. Tidy?
01:20:20Huh?
01:20:21Congratulations. Your wife's just had a fine boy.
01:20:24At last. I told you to use dynamite, didn't I?
01:20:27Did you hear that, Mates? I've got a boy.
01:20:31You've done it. Well done, Mates. Congratulations.
01:20:33There they are. There they are.
01:20:58Do you mind?
01:20:59No, I'm here.
01:21:15Oh, there's millions of them. I've got it.
01:21:24All right, all right, the game's up.
01:21:27Hand over whatever it is you've got there.
01:21:29Quiet, please. I am trying to phone.
01:21:31Oh, Arthur, stop all that nonsense and call the police.
01:21:33Well, I'm trying to.
01:21:35I wouldn't, mate.
01:21:36Why not?
01:21:37Well, if it ever got out that the nurse who delivered those babies was a fella...
01:21:42What?
01:21:44I don't believe it.
01:21:46You want more proof?
01:21:49Get off, Dad!
01:21:50He's right, Sir Bernard. We'd never live it down.
01:21:52Very well. Arthur, put the phone down.
01:21:54What is your proposition?
01:21:56Simple.
01:21:57We give you the stuff back, you let us go.
01:21:59Oh, baby.
01:22:00Oh, shut up!
01:22:03Give it to me.
01:22:05Give it to her!
01:22:06All right, hold the case, then.
01:22:08There.
01:22:09You'll have to let them go, Sir Bernard.
01:22:11Very well.
01:22:12Arthur, open the doors.
01:22:32This time we left.
01:22:34What on earth?
01:22:36Shroud!
01:22:37What on earth do you think you're doing, you idiot?
01:22:50Well done, there.
01:22:52Well done.
01:22:53Thanks, sir.
01:22:55Arthur, next day.
01:22:56It better be.
01:22:57You're not, are you?
01:22:58Oh.
01:22:59Oh!
01:22:59Oh!
01:23:00Oh!
01:23:03Did they look lovely?
01:23:05Yeah.
01:23:06I'm glad something good's come out of it, anyway.
01:23:08Oh!
01:23:09How good, my dear.
01:23:11Especially for you.
01:23:12Oh!
01:23:13You'll be able to prove yourself at last.
01:23:15Oh, I'm not worried about that anymore, I can assure you, my dear.
01:23:19You want to do another job, Sir?
01:23:20Of course.
01:23:21Got a beauty lined up.
01:23:22Really? What is it?
01:23:23Well, I was reading the other day about this millionaire's nudist camp.
01:23:26Now, if I could just get somebody in there to look it over.
01:23:33Hey!
01:23:33Come back!
01:23:34Come back, you fools!
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