- 8 hours ago
First broadcast 11th January 2016.
Dan learns from his rebellious aunt Leslie that you can take what you want from society without giving anything back.
Charlotte Ritchie - Hannah
Tom Stourton - Dan
Stella Gonet - Marion
Al Roberts - Ralph (as Alastair Roberts)
Nicholas R. Bailey - Lloyd (as Nicholas Bailey)
Sally Phillips - Aunt Leslie
Ian Smith - Pizza Guy
Kate Lamb - Katie
Sope Dirisu - Zeff
Edward Dogliani - Spike
A.k. Steppa - Music Video Tech
Dan learns from his rebellious aunt Leslie that you can take what you want from society without giving anything back.
Charlotte Ritchie - Hannah
Tom Stourton - Dan
Stella Gonet - Marion
Al Roberts - Ralph (as Alastair Roberts)
Nicholas R. Bailey - Lloyd (as Nicholas Bailey)
Sally Phillips - Aunt Leslie
Ian Smith - Pizza Guy
Kate Lamb - Katie
Sope Dirisu - Zeff
Edward Dogliani - Spike
A.k. Steppa - Music Video Tech
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:03Dan, have you seen those illegal caffeine pills I bought online?
00:05Sorry, I took the last three.
00:07I really wanted to stay up and finish writing my graphic novel.
00:10It's about a set of triplet werewolves
00:12who use their sense of smell to solve crimes.
00:15Shit, Dan, I really needed those for work.
00:17It's annual report week.
00:18How am I supposed to get through it if I'm not chemically enhanced?
00:21What's annual report week?
00:23Every year we have to spaff out this massive document
00:25for the stupid shareholders.
00:26It usually means a whole week of staying late.
00:28I'm talking 6.30, 7.
00:31That's insane.
00:32I know.
00:32It's like modern-day slavery, except with a salary and health insurance.
00:36Hey, how about this afternoon you call up the office
00:38and pretend to be my doctor?
00:39Say I've got swine flu or something.
00:41I'm always up for impersonating a doctor, but I can't.
00:44I've got another salsa class with Mum.
00:45You and Mum are doing salsa classes together.
00:47Yeah, it's the worst.
00:48I just don't understand how such a delicious sauce
00:51can be such a boring activity.
00:53Well, why did you sign up for it, then?
00:55I didn't. Mum did.
00:56Just tell her to fuck off.
00:58Hannah!
00:59Mum gave us the gift of life.
01:00We owe her everything.
01:02Also, she threatened to cut off my allowance.
01:04That does sound pretty rough.
01:05God, you're so lucky Mum doesn't really like you.
01:07Mum doesn't like me.
01:08Oops.
01:09Sorry.
01:25Good, ladies.
01:27Good, ladies.
01:27Very nice.
01:37Keep your bodies nice and close together.
01:41Tiny old Caminale is not a difficult step.
01:44An upright horse could do it.
01:45I'm trying my best.
01:46I'm trying my best.
01:46Well, try harder.
01:47Now put your hand on the small of Mummy's back.
01:50Mum, is there seriously no one else you can do this with?
01:53I mean, this is so weird.
01:56Everyone else here is just retired couples.
01:58That's not true.
01:59What about Vivian and Ralph?
02:00And spin.
02:03Yeah, but Ralph's the weirdest guy I've ever met.
02:06There is nothing weird about spending quality time with your mother.
02:09Now, I'm going to the bathroom.
02:10I want to remove my bra so I can really let loose for the next moment.
02:14Keep yourself to your arms still.
02:16Hello, Diane.
02:17Cool.
02:18Oh.
02:18Hi, Ralph.
02:20Sorry, I didn't realise you were there.
02:22I'm very light on my feet.
02:24Unlike some people.
02:25Oh, yeah.
02:26Well, I'm just sort of here as a favour to my mum.
02:29I mean, she breastfed me for five years.
02:31At least I could do.
02:32Well, if you really want to do your mum a favour, you should kill yourself.
02:36What?
02:36Just saying.
02:37It's the big recital next week.
02:39And me and my mum are going to fuck you and your mum in the ass.
02:46Dude, I told you I really don't care about this salsa stuff.
02:49So pathetic.
02:51No wonder your mum doesn't respect you.
02:53She respects me.
02:55Ow, what the hell?
02:56Stop chit-chatting.
02:57Now, come on, let's get on with the practice.
02:59One more time.
03:01Round and top.
03:11Hey, Lloyd.
03:12What's going on?
03:13Someone found a headless corpse in Lyft.
03:16Oh, gross.
03:18Turns out the company above us was a front for some Chinese drug ring.
03:21Oh, I mean, in retrospect, that does kind of make sense.
03:24What kind of name is Business Incorporated?
03:26So what happens now?
03:28Well, they're going to do a load of forensics.
03:29Apparently the office is shut down for a week.
03:32Kind of messes with your head, doesn't it?
03:34It seems so tragic happening right where we were.
03:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:37The fragility of human life, whatever.
03:38Did you just say we get a whole week off work?
03:41What about the annual report?
03:43Um, I don't know.
03:44I guess it'll be postponed.
03:46Sweet!
03:47Bonus holiday week!
03:49Thank you, triads!
03:54Emmanuel, you were by far the worst dancer in the class today,
03:58and Hector is on his third set of knees.
04:00This week, I want you practising at home.
04:02I'll try, but I've got a lot on.
04:04I need to redraft the last chapter of Wolf Cops.
04:07While I'm paying for your idle life,
04:09I will be the organ grinder, you will be my dancing monkey.
04:12God, you even managed to make a dancing monkey sound boring.
04:15Shh!
04:17Is there a voice coming from my bathroom?
04:19Shit!
04:20Maybe it's a burglar and he's stopped to take a bath.
04:22Why would a burglar stop to take a bath?
04:24Might be like his calling card.
04:25He leaves a dirt ring and some pubes,
04:27so you know he's been here.
04:29Come with me.
04:31Right, you go in there, bash him on the head.
04:33Seriously? What have I hurt him?
04:35He is trespassing on my property.
04:37Ah!
04:39Ah!
04:40Marion.
04:42A little baby Dan.
04:44What a wonderful surprise.
04:45Oh, for goodness sake, Leslie.
04:48Mum, you know the burglar?
04:49It's not a burglar, it's my sister.
05:02Oh, sweet, just in time.
05:07Oh, I didn't order any Cajun chicken chunks.
05:09Actually, those come as part of your meal deal.
05:11Sweet!
05:13You know, this day is shaping up to be the perfect day.
05:16On the way home, this guy shouted nice arse at me,
05:19but then he got clipped by a white van.
05:20Best of both worlds.
05:21Well, at least someone's having a good day.
05:23My last delivery turned out to be a prank call.
05:25Now I've got five pepperonis stinking out of my car.
05:27Wait, wait, wait, wait.
05:28You've got five pizzas in your car?
05:30What are you going to do, then?
05:31I guess throw them out.
05:32Or you could slide them my way.
05:34Well, you're going to eat six large pizzas.
05:36What are you, a pizza guy or a fucking nutritionist?
05:40Yes.
05:42Oh, sorry, I would give you a tip, but I've only got notes, so...
05:49I dread to arse, Leslie, but what are you doing here?
05:53Can't a girl stop by to visit her big sister and her favourite little nephew?
05:58Look at you, Dan.
05:59I haven't seen you since you were six and I left you with those hell's angels.
06:06What have you been doing with yourself?
06:08Mostly chilling out.
06:09Went to prison for a bit, which was okay.
06:13I made my own version of Capri selling the toilet.
06:15Who'd have thought?
06:16Little baby Dan turned into such a resourceful young man.
06:18I'm proud of you.
06:19What about you, Leslie?
06:20What have you been up to since you last disappeared, apart from breaking and entering?
06:24Well, I was a roadie for a bit.
06:26Dog walker.
06:27Licensed chiropractor.
06:29Unlicensed chiropractor.
06:31You know, for me, my life is my art, so really, the last few years have been crazy fucking tapestry.
06:37It sounds like you've been a very busy bee.
06:39I'm sure you'll be needing to head off.
06:42Yeah, the thing is, Maz, I'm currently teensy bit, what's the word, homeless.
06:50I broke up with Spike.
06:51Oh, that leather-clad Welsh degenerate.
06:55Well, I was just wondering if maybe I could, like, crash here just for a couple of nights, you know,
07:00just till I get myself saucers.
07:02Absolutely not.
07:03Oh, wow.
07:04Oh, my own sister doesn't care if I'm sleeping rough.
07:07She'll just find myself in an alleyway and maybe I'll kill a rat and I'll roast it over an open
07:14wheelie bin.
07:14Mum, you can't let her sleep rough and eat rats for dinner.
07:17I know what I'm doing. She walks us in here every few years with some sob story and then won't
07:22get lost until I've opened my checkbook.
07:24Well, it won't work this time.
07:26Don't worry, Aunt Leslie. You can stay with me for as long as you need.
07:30Dan, you're my hero.
07:34I am a hero.
07:35A superhero.
07:36And Mum's the villain, the wicked, cruel Zilla.
07:40Shut up, Daniel.
07:41Sorry, Mum.
07:45Welcome to my bachelor pad.
07:49Or as I like to call it, Bansylvania.
07:53Cool to sleep on the sofa?
07:55Oh, yeah, I'm sure I'll manage.
07:57I once squatted for two months in a condemned abattoir.
08:00Cool.
08:01Dan, I've had the most amazing day today.
08:04Someone got killed at the office and I've got some free pizza.
08:07Look who's here. Aunt Leslie.
08:10She just broke up with her boyfriend, so I said she could crash with us.
08:13You can take this bangle as a sort of thank you.
08:16I found that on Jim Morrison's grave.
08:18Wow, sweet.
08:20Look at this.
08:20I've got some cool jewelry and my fun, sexy aunt to hang out with.
08:24Today, it just keeps getting better.
08:25Mate, I thought you said today was going to be a paperwork Guantanamo.
08:29Yeah, but since then, not a single thing has gone wrong.
08:31I don't want to jinx it, but I think this might be the golden week.
08:36Sorry, what's the golden week?
08:37I'm glad you asked, Aunt Leslie.
08:39The golden week is a special once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon.
08:43No, please don't do this again.
08:44It's a full week of uninterrupted luck, prosperity and joy.
08:47And it's my white whale.
08:49Oh, sure.
08:49I have come mighty close more than a few times.
08:52Hannah, please stop.
08:52The first being in December 2002.
08:54I was 13.
08:56I won the gold medal at Gymkhana and I went up two bra sizes in one night.
09:01Then, to cap it all off, I had tickets to that week's recording of Top of the Pops.
09:05I was a young Hannah French giddy at the thought of being on television.
09:08Just a bit.
09:09But, on the very last day of my golden week, Katie Maguire accidentally broke my nose in PE.
09:15Top of the Pops wouldn't let me on with two black eyes and my golden week was ruined.
09:20But, I have a feeling that old lady fate may be giving me another chance.
09:23Hannah, don't you think you might be taking this a bit too seriously?
09:26It's just a bunch of random stuff happening.
09:28No, I think she might be onto something, Dan.
09:30I've always believed in unseen cosmic forces sort of guiding us on our journey.
09:34No, no, that's bullshit.
09:35But, the golden week is definitely legit.
09:38Look, I'll prove it.
09:42I brought this scratch card earlier today.
09:44There's no way that I can lose.
09:46That's crazy.
09:47You're crazy, Hannah.
09:52Well, this crazy son of a gun has just won a two-night stay at a three-star bed and
09:57breakfast in Swanage, travel not included.
09:59I am invincible.
10:05Swanage.
10:09Now, I was in a real state after breaking up with Spike, but hanging with you these last few days,
10:14I am in a much better headspace.
10:16Come on.
10:17You're my favourite aunt.
10:19I mean, you're my only aunt, but you're still number one in my books.
10:22And that is why I'm going to treat you to a massive spread.
10:26Hope you like fancy cheese.
10:28Whoa.
10:29Did you steal that cheese?
10:30You could call it stealing, or you could argue that cheese is a natural resource.
10:36It is of the earth.
10:37Like, put your price on cheese.
10:38That's like, put your price on oxygen or oil.
10:42Yeah, I guess.
10:43Take this bottle of wine.
10:45Right, what is it?
10:46It's a bottle of crushed grapes.
10:49And yet they expect 12 quid for it.
10:51Can you imagine spending 12 quid on some crushed grapes?
10:55The way I see it, ownership, it's just a concept.
10:59It's just something to tie free spirits like you and I down.
11:02That is my whole philosophy.
11:05Wow.
11:06I always thought philosophy was like, what's the point of life?
11:08Or is it okay to eat toast if you drop it on the ground?
11:11But I love yours.
11:14Oh, shit.
11:15It's mum.
11:16She keeps calling to check that I'm practising her dumb salsa steps.
11:19I'll let it ring.
11:20She'll get the hint.
11:22Really?
11:23Damn.
11:23The world is full of people who get off on telling us what to do.
11:26Parents, clergy.
11:29Paramedics.
11:30Sometimes you've just got to ignore them and do your own thing.
11:33See?
11:34You've always got to trust your Aunt Leslie.
11:37Now, be a prophet.
11:39Stick that in the fridge for me.
11:47Hannah?
11:47Is that you?
11:49Katie Maguire.
11:50Oh, my God.
11:51I haven't seen you since school.
11:53How's it going?
11:54Good.
11:54How are you?
11:55What are you up to?
11:57I was just looking up some horse races.
11:58I'm on a bit of a lucky street this week.
12:00I was thinking of putting 300 quid on Philip Seymour Hoffman.
12:04Oh, it's crazy bumping into you.
12:06I was just talking about you.
12:07Oh, really?
12:08Yeah, about how you broke my nose in PE.
12:10Oh, God.
12:11That was so bad.
12:12There was blood everywhere.
12:13And you kept, like, mumbling about Top of the Pops.
12:16I felt like such crap.
12:17Oh, hey.
12:18It was an accident.
12:20I mean, sure, it did ruin my golden week.
12:22But it's not like I think about that three or four times a week.
12:27Sorry.
12:28How about you?
12:29What are you up to these days?
12:30I'm trying to direct TV promos, that kind of shiz.
12:34I'm actually making a music video at the moment.
12:36You heard that R&B guy, Zeph?
12:38Zeph?
12:38Do you want to judge the songs about women sweating?
12:40Yeah, that's the one.
12:41Oh, my God.
12:42I love that guy.
12:44Gonna make you sweat till you're wet.
12:47That's so cool.
12:48Oh, it's actually a bit stressy at the moment.
12:51We're shooting in, like, two days,
12:52and one of the girls we're using slipped on some baby oil
12:54and dislocated her shoulders.
12:55I'm scrabbling to find a replacement,
12:57and none of the agencies can give me anybody at sexual notice.
13:01And it's like...
13:02Katie, listen.
13:03Let me be the replacement.
13:04I can do it.
13:06Really?
13:06You know we can't pay you, like, anything, right?
13:08I know this might sound crazy,
13:10but I think that girl's shoulder snapped out of its socket for a reason,
13:13so I could star in your music video
13:16and finally achieve a golden week.
13:19Okay.
13:19Brill.
13:20Although you wouldn't really be starring in it.
13:22It's just one scene.
13:23You'd mainly be there as eye candy.
13:25Katie, please do not ruin yet another golden week for me.
13:37Oh, hi, hon.
13:38Perfect timing.
13:39I need a whazz.
13:40You want to take my place?
13:44Dan, you got a ping-pong table?
13:46Oh, yeah.
13:47Aunt Leslie's mate, Big Phil,
13:48needed to get rid of some stuff real quick,
13:50so he gave it to us for, like, ten quid.
13:52Hi.
13:53He threw in a bunch of this laughing gas as well.
13:56Aunt Leslie is awesome.
13:58She knows so much about life and philosophy
14:01and how to disable security tags.
14:04Clearly, my golden week is rubbing off on you.
14:06Are you still going on about that?
14:08Dan, it's the real deal.
14:09Today, I randomly bumped into Katie Maguire.
14:12And get this, she's putting me in her music video.
14:15Seriously?
14:15Yeah, it's for Zeph's new single,
14:17It's No Sweat, open brackets, if you sweat, close brackets.
14:20Oh, my God.
14:21I've got all his albums.
14:23Slippery Wine Sweat, Sweat It Be, You Sweat Your Ass.
14:26Well, I've got the costume fitting for the vid tomorrow,
14:28so maybe I could snag you an autograph.
14:32Yes!
14:36Thanks for stepping in at such short notice.
14:39The shoot tomorrow should be totes standard,
14:40four or five hours, and then you're free.
14:42You could probably even keep the dress.
14:43A golden dress for a golden week.
14:46Hey, ladies.
14:48Hope I'm not interrupting anything.
14:49Hey, Zeph.
14:50Oh, this is Hannah.
14:52She's the girl replacing Monique.
14:53It's great to meet you.
14:54I'm a huge fan.
14:56Ooh, girl, you so fine.
14:58Got me sweating like one.
15:00Nice to meet you, honey.
15:01Listen, Katie, that intern kid messed up my lunch order again.
15:04He got me a damn prawn salad,
15:05and everybody knows that Zeph don't fuck with the shellfish.
15:09I'm so sorry.
15:10I'll fix it for you.
15:11Thank you, Katie.
15:12You're the greatest.
15:13Absolute pleasure to make your acquaintance, Hannah.
15:15I'll see you tomorrow.
15:17Not if I see you first.
15:24Okay, cool.
15:24I think we're all set here.
15:26Is there anything else you need?
15:28Don't think so.
15:29Actually, is that salad just up for grabs now?
15:32Um, yeah, sure.
15:34Great.
15:34A free lunch and a free dress.
15:36Oh, golden week, you do shine so bright.
15:41And let's apply.
15:43That's great, isn't it?
15:45Very good.
15:47Keep your body nice and close together.
15:50I've seen arms on you.
15:53Daniel, you just trod on my toes.
15:55What's the matter with you?
15:56And why do you smell like a dust strip club?
15:58I'm sorry.
15:59I'm just really hungover.
16:01Me and Aunt Leslie had a massive night last night.
16:03What did I tell you about fraternizing with her?
16:05Please, keep your voice down, Mom.
16:07My head is killing me from all the laughing gas.
16:09Oh, great.
16:10Now she's got you doing drugs.
16:11Next, you'll be out on the street corner in mini shorts selling favors to perverts.
16:16Daniel, that woman is a selfish, destructive imbecile.
16:20She is not an imbecile.
16:22She knows a lot about politics.
16:23Did you know that the Iraq war was because of oil?
16:26Uh-oh.
16:27Trouble in paradise.
16:28Oh, shut up, you weirdo.
16:30Daniel, don't make a scene.
16:32No, Mom.
16:33And stop telling me what to do.
16:35I'm not a kid anymore.
16:35I'm a grown man.
16:36I shouldn't be at a fucking salsa class with my mom.
16:39I should be hanging out with my aunt.
16:40Daniel, don't you dare walk out!
16:46You were too good for him anyway.
16:50I'm going to use that fucking ratty ponytail to garrot you.
16:53Do you hear me, Spike?
16:54Spike?
16:59Everything okay?
17:00It's Spike, my ex.
17:02He flogged the minivan that we bought together and he's refusing to give me my share of the money.
17:06What a dick.
17:07We should sue him.
17:08Go all Erin Brockovich on his ass.
17:10I don't want the authorities involved.
17:11I've got a few outstanding warrants, you know.
17:13Unpaid parking fines.
17:15Impersonating a judge.
17:16Shit, what are you going to do?
17:17Oh, he's actually on his way.
17:19He's coming over to drop off my stuff.
17:21Actually, do you reckon you could stick around?
17:23I could do with some backup from my big, brave nephew.
17:27Because I'm pretty big and brave.
17:29Ah!
17:30Fucking hell!
17:31Oh, my God, are you okay?
17:33Uh, I'm on my way to star in a hot music video, so I say, yeah, I'm doing pretty well.
17:38Hannah, no offence, but you look like total dog shit.
17:41He's right, Han-Han.
17:42You should go back to bed.
17:43No way.
17:44I'll be fine.
17:46It's just nerves.
17:47Nerves?
17:48Okay, there is a small chance that I might have contracted food poisoning from a free prawn salad,
17:53but I'm not missing this shoot.
17:55This is the crowning glory of my new golden week.
17:58So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go be...
18:06Sexy.
18:21That'll be Spike.
18:24Right, Leslie?
18:25Hello, Spike.
18:26Did you bring my five under a quid?
18:28You son of a bitch.
18:29Told you, Leslie.
18:31I don't owe you a bloody penny.
18:32I paid for half that van, and it was my idea to use it as a bang bus.
18:37Well, you owe me a grant for throwing my laptop in the canard.
18:40Come on, Spike.
18:41We're all civilised to dance here.
18:42What's this fucking gangly ball sack?
18:45Okay.
18:46It's not a great place to start negotiations, but at least we've got a dialogue going.
18:50How's this for a dialogue?
18:51Both of you can piss the fuck off.
18:55Listen, Spike, I'm not gunning for an argument.
18:57I just really need the money.
18:59Bloody hell, what is that?
19:01What are you on about, woman?
19:05Oh, my God!
19:07Aunt Leslie, what have you done?
19:08Oh, don't worry, I just chloroformed him.
19:11Right, let's get him inside.
19:19What's up, Hannah?
19:19How's it going?
19:20Oh, great.
19:22Nightmare getting here, though.
19:24Taxi driver kept trying to take me to hospital.
19:26But I am here, and I am raring to go.
19:29Cool beans.
19:30I just came to say, we're a smidge behind schedule.
19:32Zef said his sunglasses weren't trill enough, and we're not really sure what that means,
19:36so we're trying out a bunch of new pairs.
19:37Oh, how long is that going to take?
19:39Not sure.
19:40Could be a few hours.
19:41I mean, Zef's a real perfectionist.
19:43You know, he spent eight months just choosing the snare for his track pussy sweat.
19:47But you all right to hang tight, yeah?
19:48Yeah.
19:49I might just put my head on the floor here, just where it's nice and cool.
19:54Are you all right, Hannah?
19:55Looks like you're shivering.
19:56With excitement?
19:58I'm living the dream.
19:59Okay, cool.
20:00Well, I'll come get you when we're ready.
20:02Tell Zef I said hey.
20:04Oh.
20:06So we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the way where I beat you with
20:11a phone book.
20:12What do you say?
20:13I say go fuck yourself, you crazy man.
20:16All right.
20:16We'll do it your way.
20:18Let's see how stubborn you are without ear lobes.
20:21Dan, where do you keep your knives?
20:25I'm so sorry about this whole kidnap sitch.
20:29I'm sure one day we'll look back at this and laugh.
20:35Honestly, do you think this is getting a bit too crazy?
20:40Maybe we should just let him go.
20:41Give him a turbo around to smooth things over.
20:43I'm not going to let go, Dan.
20:44I want my money.
20:45But didn't you say money is just an illusion?
20:47Yeah, not when it's mine.
20:49Now, could you be a poppet?
20:50Can you find me a tea towel and a bucket of water?
20:52I think I can have a crack at waterboarding.
20:55Sure.
20:56I'll get right on that.
20:59Might pop out for a sec.
21:02Don't start the torch without me.
21:08Okay, big sexy, big sweaty.
21:10We're going to get to the second repeat of the chorus.
21:12You look right, you look left, maybe a couple of hair flicks and clink glasses.
21:17Hannah, did you get all that?
21:20Everywhere is rabbits.
21:22No more.
21:25Ah, cool.
21:27Okay, I'm just going to check that makeup are ready with a fake sweat, and then we should
21:30be good to go.
21:31Okay, everybody, take five.
21:36Come on, French.
21:38This is your golden week.
21:41You're nearly at the finish line.
21:42You can do this.
21:43Of course you can, Hannah.
21:50You're the bravest girl in the world.
21:54And we're all proud of you.
22:14Right. That isn't good.
22:25Mum.
22:26Well, if it isn't the dancing Judas, I'm busy, Dan. You're what you want.
22:30Mum, I really need your help. I'm in way over my head.
22:33Right, well, I guess you'd better come in.
22:35Wipe your feet.
22:37Oh, and try not to stab me in the back again, will you?
22:41Oh, my. Caught in the act?
22:44Ralph, what are you doing here?
22:46I needed a new salsa partner after you so cruelly abandoned me, and Ralph kindly volunteered.
22:50You didn't treat the lady right, and now she's mine.
22:54Her and I are going to be unstoppable, come the big recital.
22:58Mate, literally no one cares about the recital.
23:01Mum, Aunt Leslie's in the flat. I think she's gone insane. I'm really scared.
23:04It's worse than the time I got stuck on that ghost train.
23:07Oh, if only someone had warned you Leslie was trouble.
23:09You were right. I should have listened to you. Now, can you please fix this for me?
23:13I want you to say it.
23:14Say what?
23:15You know.
23:18Mummy knows best.
23:19Wonderful. Now, let's go and lance the boy who is my sister.
23:22But, Marion, what about us? What about our rehearsal?
23:26Ralph, you are a stellar dancer, and an even better lovemaker.
23:30But I must go and help my son.
23:38Now, it's 2am. We've been here for hours.
23:42The room's a rainforest. It's like a walking shower.
23:45I'm so excited. I don't know where to place my hands.
23:48All I know is I'm in love with your sebaceous glance.
23:51It's no sweat if you sweat, girl.
23:53You know tonight we're both getting wet, girl.
23:57Call the lifeguard, cause I'm about to drown.
23:59Call me the Titanic, because I'm going down.
24:03It's no sweat if you sweat, girl.
24:05You know tonight we're both getting wet, girl.
24:09Call the lifeguard, cause I'm about to drown.
24:11Call me the Titanic, because I'm going down.
24:18Cut!
24:19Guys, that take was great.
24:22I think maybe we're done for the day.
24:24I did it.
24:27Seth, you happy?
24:28I don't know. I wasn't feeling it.
24:30Something's not right.
24:31What?
24:32Seth just got an idea.
24:34We need to switch these two girls around.
24:37What? I thought you said we were finished.
24:39No, no, you're the sweatiest girl here.
24:41You've got to be by my side.
24:42That's the only way to make it trill.
24:43Sure, if that would be the most trill, let's just go with that.
24:46Hannah, switch places and we'll go again.
24:49Can somebody make sure the artist...
24:51Okay, ready?
24:53Action!
24:54Oh, my God.
25:01I've got to get up.
25:02I've got to get out.
25:03I...
25:04I need to...
25:05You stop!
25:06You have to stop!
25:08No, you have to stop!
25:09I need to just get...
25:10Oh!
25:12What the fuck?
25:13This girl just shat in the booth.
25:15This ain't trill, Katie.
25:17The Godwick is dead.
25:26Dan, you were about just in time to see me rub heathers into his eyes.
25:32Maz?
25:33What are you doing here?
25:34Sorry, Aunt Leslie, I had to do something.
25:36This hostage thing is crazy and Hannah would go spare if she found a toe under the fridge.
25:40What on earth is this all about?
25:42This bastard owes me half a grand.
25:44Do I fuck?
25:45Oh, for goodness sake.
25:46Listen.
25:47I will give you the money myself if it means you disappear back to wherever it is you came from.
25:54Really?
25:54Take this.
25:56On condition you keep away from my son.
26:00Babe, it fucking worked!
26:02Hold it together, Spike.
26:03What the hell?
26:08Yeah, I'm sorry, Dan.
26:10I'm going to be honest, this was like...
26:13It's a teensy bit of a scam.
26:15Um, and, uh, you were the stooge.
26:18But I saw you chloroform him.
26:20That was literally just a hanky.
26:21Unbelievable.
26:23Why, Aunt Leslie?
26:24I needed the money.
26:26I'm going to use it to get my chiropractor's licence back.
26:29Or maybe just buy a lot of weed.
26:31Yeah.
26:31Yeah, I haven't decided yet.
26:33Leslie, just take the money and let's do the mature thing and agree never to speak again.
26:37Deal.
26:38And, uh, you know, I've really enjoyed catching up, Dan.
26:41I mean, we had a laugh.
26:42I mean, a lot of that was laughing us.
26:44But...
26:45I'm really going to miss you.
26:48Come on, Spike.
26:50Pleasure to meet you, folk.
26:51I don't know if Leslie mentioned, but I'm actually in a prog rock band.
26:55I've got a few songs up on SoundCloud.
26:57Curious Marsupial.
26:58Look us up.
26:59Maybe share with your pals.
27:01That'd be fab.
27:04Come on, let's go.
27:07You've got any twiglets?
27:09We were had by the best.
27:13Thanks for saving my arse, Mum.
27:16Sorry I dragged you here all the way for nothing.
27:18Well, I'm sure there's a way for you to make it up to me.
27:32Hey, sis.
27:33Feeling any better?
27:34Not really.
27:35I mean, I'm over the food poisoning, but someone leaked the footage of me crapping on Zeph,
27:38and now it's all over the internet.
27:41Oh, I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow.
27:45Why are you dressed like a bisexual matador?
27:47Oh, uh, yeah, I've got the big salsa recital with Mum tonight.
27:50I really don't want to go, but I owe a big time after the whole hostage thing.
27:54What hostage thing?
27:54Oh, yeah, I didn't tell you.
27:56Me and Aunt Leslie kidnapped her ex-boyfriend.
27:58She was going to cut his toes off and stuff, but then it turned out it was all a scam.
28:01Oh, man!
28:03I can't believe I shit on my favourite singer, and I missed out on a kidnapping.
28:06This has been the worst golden week ever.
28:11Oh!
28:19It's no sweat if you sweat, girl
28:21You know tonight we're both getting wet, girl
28:25Call the lifeguard cos I'm about to drown
28:27Call me the Titanic
28:29Cos I'm going there
28:31There's no sweat if you sweat, girl
28:33You know tonight we're both getting wet, girl
28:37Call the lifeguard cos I'm about to drown
28:39Call me the Titanic
28:41Cos I'm going down
28:45What?
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