- 12 minutes ago
First broadcast 25th October 2013.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Isy Suttie
Tim Minchin
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Isy Suttie
Tim Minchin
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Looking for our keys to help us, we have a key man, Tim Minchin.
00:07A key woman, Issy Sooty.
00:13A key player, Bill Bailey.
00:19And an Allen key, Allen Davis.
00:27So, they've all got their keyboards.
00:30Tim, give us an A.
00:32That's an A.
00:34Issy, in the great tradition of blockbusters, I'd like an E, please.
00:39Very nice.
00:40Bill, give us a G.
00:42And Allen, give us a B.
00:51We have given you a Miss Grinspoon.
00:52I have got a thing here, but...
00:54Oh, no.
00:56We didn't trust you with anything electrical.
01:00Oh, no, it's nice.
01:01Anyway, something for you to do keep yourself occupied, if you don't know any answers.
01:05Bill will teach me a couple of tunes, probably during the record.
01:07Here's a good one.
01:08Here's a good one, no.
01:10Yeah.
01:14It's an Airport Announcement.
01:17Airport Announcement.
01:19Airport Announcement.
01:19Yeah.
01:19By Revelle.
01:20By Revelle, yeah.
01:21Beautiful piece.
01:22Absolutely wonderful.
01:23The Nancement Airport.
01:24The Nancement Airport.
01:25The Nancement Airport.
01:26Do you know any tunes?
01:28French?
01:29No.
01:30I don't know any tunes.
01:32I...
01:32Doorbell.
01:33Same.
01:33Similar.
01:34I don't know who wrote who's first.
01:36I imagine doorbell came first.
01:37There wasn't a major third, as if to herald good news.
01:40Yes.
01:41Yeah.
01:41Exactly.
01:42Yeah.
01:43Your flight's delayed by eight hours.
01:45Yeah.
01:45I don't feel so bad.
01:48Yes.
01:48I'm warning now.
01:49Oh, so.
01:50The best doorbells are frying people away.
01:54You know?
01:58Marvellous.
01:58Well, you haven't played anything for us yet, is it?
02:00Just get your fingers warm.
02:05That was the jazz version.
02:06Wow!
02:07Pretty good.
02:07Oh, wow.
02:08That's great.
02:12In you go.
02:13There you go.
02:13There you go.
02:14So, I'll give you the keys to the city.
02:17Right?
02:17What's the first thing you'll do?
02:19Yes.
02:20I'd make a copy of them.
02:22Yeah, I could.
02:24And then, in case I lock myself out when I'm drunk.
02:27And I give a copy to my cleaner.
02:29Very, very smart.
02:31What else can you do with the keys to the city?
02:33Drive a sheep across a bridge.
02:34Ah!
02:37No!
02:37What?
02:40Um, no.
02:41I am a freeman of the city of London, as a matter of how.
02:43Quite right.
02:44Yes.
02:44Oh, thank you.
02:45And I did drive a sheep over.
02:47In fact, it was flagrantly illegal.
02:49It's just one of those myths.
02:51There's also that, supposedly, that you can bear a sword in the city.
02:54But that's not true, either.
02:56Is there an actual door that you can fit that in?
02:58No!
02:59No, there really isn't.
03:00What do you actually get?
03:01Do you actually get a key in a nice presentation case?
03:03No, you get a long sort of parchment.
03:06Wherein heretofore has it let it be understood, the city incorporation.
03:09And it was extraordinary.
03:10The mayor, they've been mayors since about 1213.
03:13And I said, you must feel pretty extraordinary to be in a position that is just unchanged for
03:17800 years.
03:18And there was a little cough at my shoulder, and it was the sheriff of London.
03:21And he said, there were sheriffs of London 500 years before the first mayor.
03:26So he was in the 8th century, in the 700s.
03:29Through plagues and fires and all that.
03:32It's pretty amazing, isn't it?
03:33What does he do?
03:34How does one a sheriff these days?
03:37What do you do?
03:37You wear extraordinary shrievel, is the adjective of sheriff.
03:41Shrievel laces and wigs and things like that.
03:45Well, in London what it is, you're free to trade without having to pay a toll at the bridge.
03:49Today it's a purely symbolic honour.
03:51City of London police do not permit sheep to be taken across the bridge, aside from the
03:54occasional publicity stunt.
03:57Yeah.
03:58City of London police are so boring.
04:00They are.
04:01Can't do that there.
04:02Oh, come on.
04:03Can you read them?
04:04Can you do any, is there anything you could do?
04:06I mean, is there anything you could go naked or something?
04:09No, no, no real rights.
04:10I mean, if you're poor, you can access some educational and charitable funds.
04:14Dick Whittington, probably the most famous London Lord Mayor, in the early 15th century,
04:17left money in trust for water troughs and children's education.
04:21And that charity is still giving out money.
04:23It's been wisely invested.
04:25Really?
04:25That's pretty amazing, isn't it?
04:27There are other people to get freedoms of cities.
04:30To whom do you think Detroit gave the key of their city in 1980?
04:35Diana Ross.
04:36No, it wasn't Diana Ross.
04:37You'd think it would be a...
04:38Someone off of Motown.
04:39Gary Neumann.
04:39It should be a Motown star.
04:40It wasn't Gary Neumann.
04:41Gary Neumann?
04:42No.
04:42What, wrote Cars?
04:43No, that would be good, wouldn't it?
04:44No, it wasn't.
04:45It was actually Saddam Hussein.
04:47What?
04:48What?
04:49What?
04:50It's the usual pattern in 1980.
04:52He was our friend.
04:53He was a friend?
04:53Yeah.
04:54Of course.
04:55City of Toronto has given the key to Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.
05:01Oh, never seen it in the same room.
05:03The Dalai Lama?
05:03Why him?
05:04The Dalai Lama?
05:05What was it?
05:06Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.
05:08Oh, my perfect Sunday.
05:11Those three round at dinner.
05:13Corona California gave a cat the freedom of its city limits.
05:18Oh, that's stupid.
05:19Because the cat had hit the Guinness Book of Records by being the tallest cat in the world.
05:24And because we're QI, we rang up the city of Corona.
05:27And it's true.
05:28They were very pleased to have it verified for us.
05:32But Cher upset Australians in 2012 when she sold her key to Adelaide on eBay.
05:39Oh.
05:40And she got $96,000 for it.
05:42Wow.
05:42What?
05:43Yeah.
05:44Someone paid $96,000 for a symbolic key to Adelaide?
05:47To Adelaide?
05:48Not even Melbourne or Sydney.
05:49I mean, I like Adelaide, but that's...
05:52It's a lot though.
05:53I don't know.
05:53She responded to the inevitable backlash on Twitter.
05:57She said,
05:58I'm upset too, and trying to get to bottom!
06:01Exclamation mark.
06:02I think my office...
06:04F not up.
06:05Fudged.
06:06Fudged up, yeah.
06:08Fremd.
06:09So there you are.
06:09Flowled.
06:10Flour up.
06:12Lagab.
06:14Keep guessing.
06:15Fruity.
06:16Flannel.
06:17Flannel up.
06:18Flannel up and wait for me.
06:20Flannel up!
06:22Clean yourself and flannel up.
06:24I'll be up in five minutes.
06:27To flannel you down.
06:29Flannel up.
06:32Put on the special ointment.
06:34Bring me another one.
06:35This one's flanneled out.
06:38Oh dear.
06:40I'd like a flannel.
06:41What key part did bigots play in the Second World War?
06:46Bigots?
06:47What do you mean?
06:47You're talking of...
06:48Not that kind of bigot, actually.
06:50Being a diversionary tactic.
06:51Ah.
06:52That's a bit of a minor description.
06:54Yes, I think it is.
06:55Exactly.
06:55I don't think it is.
06:56This word is bigot with a bigot.
06:57Oh, he was a bigot, was he?
06:58Oh, the more I hear about him.
07:01Is that an acronym, though, for something?
07:03Yes, it's an acronym.
07:04B-I-G-O-T.
07:05No, it's British.
07:06Churchill chose it.
07:07Oh, really?
07:08Beware.
07:09Brown-eyed girls.
07:10On toast.
07:10One...
07:11One trouser.
07:12One trouser.
07:13Well, I've got one trouser.
07:15Yes.
07:16I'm...
07:17I'm going...
07:18Out...
07:19Tomorrow.
07:20Tomorrow.
07:21Blimey!
07:22I've got...
07:23It's gone off.
07:24Owls!
07:25Owls?
07:27Turned...
07:27Owls?
07:28Owls.
07:29He's so sick, I spy.
07:31I can't tell you.
07:34Bigot stands for British Invasion of German Occupied Territory.
07:38So there's Monty, and there's Winnie, and they're looking at a map, as you can see, and
07:42they're planning D-Day.
07:43We need to flannel over there.
07:44D-Day.
07:47OK, cats.
07:48Got your flannel?
07:49Flannel?
07:49Flannel.
07:50Flannel.
07:50Everybody want their flannels.
07:51They're all flanneled up.
07:53Of course, Churchill was the only person who Monty would let smoke.
07:56Well, yes, it was so secret that anybody who knew any details of the Normandy landings,
08:02they were on the bigot list, and they were not allowed under any circumstances to leave
08:07the country.
08:07The only exception was Churchill himself.
08:09But no one on the bigot list was allowed out of Britain.
08:12And indeed, there was a rehearsal for the invasion in 1944, and ten people on the bigot
08:16list were killed accidentally.
08:18And all plans for the invasion were put on hold until they could account for every single
08:22one of the bodies, just to be absolutely sure that the secret didn't get out.
08:26Right.
08:27Well, I mean, it's not.
08:28I mean, yeah.
08:29It's got out now.
08:30We know now.
08:30It's got out now, yes.
08:31And it wasn't, it's not like it was unlikely it wasn't going to happen, was it?
08:34I mean, England's there, France is there.
08:36I know, but we did everything we possibly could to persuade them that it was going to be
08:40further across towards Belgium.
08:41And indeed, they withheld divisions further away from Normandy, where we landed.
08:45Precisely because Germany fell for some of the spies, the zigzag man and Zabo and that
08:51poor old chap who was a dead body, who was dressed as if he was an important officer and
08:54dropped in the sea outside Gibraltar with a chained briefcase next to him with clans in
08:58it.
08:59Wow.
08:59They gave him a whole life.
09:01It was called The Man Who Never Was.
09:02It was a film of it.
09:03Who actually was he?
09:04He was probably a very sad, down-and-out Welsh chap who died very young and been found
09:08sleeping rough somewhere.
09:10And they dressed him up smartly to look like an officer.
09:12You wouldn't have to do that now, you'd just get someone from Big Brother or something,
09:15don't you?
09:16Yeah.
09:17People volunteer for it, wouldn't they?
09:18Yeah.
09:19That's a surprise.
09:20Certainly the rest of us would.
09:21Yeah, surprises.
09:22You're going to be killed.
09:23You're going to fight General.
09:24OMT.
09:25No.
09:28No, it is.
09:29It's a good film.
09:29Have you ever seen it coming around?
09:30I will.
09:31On Channel 4 one afternoon, sort of thing that pops up now and again.
09:33Yes, I will.
09:33It's funny to think when he was alive, he didn't know what a key part he'd play when
09:37he was dead.
09:38I know.
09:39Operation Mincemeat.
09:40Yeah.
09:41You can sign up to this service now when you're alive, which monitors your tweets and
09:47Facebook updates and things.
09:49And then when you were dead, it continues to tweet as you until an executor of the will
09:55who you've nominated tells it to stop.
09:58And while you're alive, you give it feedback as to how good it is.
10:02What?
10:03And then I'm starting this business and if anyone...
10:05No, it...
10:06It already exists.
10:08Wow.
10:08That's bizarre.
10:09Yeah.
10:09So you can set how long it goes on till?
10:12Yeah.
10:12Well, you give someone's name and you say this person made the decision as to when the virtual
10:17me dies.
10:19And then you give it feedback.
10:20So if it's slightly funnier than you are, you say, oh, that's quite good but bring it
10:24down a notch.
10:25So people say, is there somebody that employs to be you then after your death?
10:29Or is it not just you going dead, dead, dead, still dead, dead?
10:33Yeah.
10:33Yeah.
10:34And then your followers go up, oh, he's dead, dead, oh, yeah.
10:37You know, with one's contact list when people die, I never have the heart to cut them out.
10:43So I have friends who have been dead 12, 15 years who are still in my address book because
10:47I just think it's...
10:47Have they ever called?
10:50They manifestly haven't called and I haven't called them.
10:52But the act of just going delete seems so...
10:55I know.
10:55I've done the same thing.
10:56But the good thing is, if someone dead does call you, you'll know it's them.
11:00Yes.
11:00I know.
11:01You'll know not to answer.
11:02I know that I've been wrong all this time.
11:03I know not to answer that.
11:05That's true.
11:05Well, of course, that number might be reused.
11:07Oh, they do recycle them, yeah.
11:09So that, it is possible that one day...
11:10Or that would be the shock of one's life.
11:12In fact, it's probable that one day that coincidence will happen.
11:16Someone who's got an old number of a dead person will accidentally ring a person who...
11:20Oh.
11:20God, I can't wait till that happens.
11:23Well, thank you.
11:24Very exciting.
11:25Now, secrecy.
11:26In the least order upwards, what's the word for a least secret document?
11:32For anyone's eyes, Andy.
11:33Yes, basically.
11:34It's unclassified.
11:35And then, protect.
11:37Ah.
11:37And then, restricted.
11:39Oh.
11:39And then up to...
11:40To, er...
11:41Look over there!
11:44Confidential.
11:45Confident.
11:46I don't know what you want about.
11:46Yeah.
11:46And then...
11:47I'm going to have to kill you.
11:49Secret.
11:50And then...
11:51Top secret.
11:51Top secret, yes.
11:52It used to be in Britain.
11:53Not top secret, but...
11:55Most secret.
11:55Most...
11:56Most secret.
11:57Most...
11:57We could use this Americanism now.
11:59Top secret.
12:00Most secret's so British.
12:02It is.
12:02Most secret.
12:03Tote secret.
12:04Well secret.
12:06There are...
12:06There are some UFO conspiracy theories...
12:09Banging secret.
12:09They will tell you that there are 38...
12:1238 levels of secrecy above top secret.
12:15Right?
12:16Why are you talking like this?
12:17Because these are UFO conspiracy theories.
12:19Oh, I see.
12:19That's how they talk.
12:20That's how they talk.
12:22They do talk like that.
12:23They all talk like that.
12:25Oh, you can laugh.
12:26I know.
12:27Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
12:29You'll be laughing on the other side of your face when you're being probed.
12:33Yes.
12:34The top level is cosmic.
12:37Cosmic is top secret.
12:38And...
12:39Even the President of the US does not have cosmic clearance.
12:43Really?
12:44Apparently.
12:44Look it up.
12:45Look it up on the internet.
12:47It's all there.
12:48It's true.
12:48E.T.
12:49Totally true.
12:50That's my favourite thing about conspiracy theorists.
12:52Is this is something that the President doesn't know.
12:54But I've figured it out.
12:55Yeah, I've carved it away.
12:57I'm on the internet.
12:58No one's got that.
13:00Fantastic, isn't it?
13:01Oh, God.
13:02But now, what is Canuka's Eyes Only?
13:04Big one?
13:05Canuka's Eyes Only.
13:06Is there a creature called a Canuka?
13:09Canuka's.
13:09And it's the only thing that's allowed to look at it.
13:11No.
13:11But it can't speak and therefore will never tell anyone.
13:14Can you do it?
13:14Roger and Chief, United States.
13:16No.
13:17Canada, UK.
13:18Not bad though.
13:18Very good.
13:19Canada, UK and United States.
13:21Canuka's.
13:22Canuka's.
13:23Canuka's.
13:23Canuka's as well.
13:24Canuka's.
13:24And there's Auskan.
13:26Canuka's, which is known as the Five Eyes, which is Australia, New Zealand, Canada,
13:31US, UK.
13:32They're all one eyes.
13:33It's also, basically don't tell the French.
13:42so biglets were the key men in planning for the d-day landings now what's the best way to keep
13:47the
13:47open organization of lock pickers out of your homes bucket of water over the door a rake on
13:57the floor two miniature beds of nails and a very hungry tiger and you put all that outside the
14:03potential lock pickers door so that they can't even leave their home you don't need to is the point
14:08actually the fact is they are incredibly moral and ethical this organization which is literally
14:14called tool the organization there it is the open organization of lock pickers it's dutch it's a dutch
14:23organization of recreational lock pickers they came to have a good purpose they helped spread the word
14:30insecurity and show how things can be picked but the point is you're not allowed ever in this
14:36organization to pick a lock that doesn't belong to you that's how moral they are boring that's when
14:43they're meeting but obviously when they're professionally guys hey what a crazy bunch of
14:47guys which go and pick some locks but not all not someone we don't know okay how come it's only
14:55me
14:56today I am such a tool yeah many tools members are obviously lock makers and lock smiths there they
15:06are two other trade it's incredible how you can have such a specific skill in one area and be so
15:12bad
15:12with fonts yeah it's non-overlapping magisterium it is not an overlapping magisterium fonts it's probably a
15:23font organization as well yeah it cannot get into their house do you know about alfred c hobbs he was
15:31a
15:31great american lock picker and lock maker and he came to britain for the great exhibition and our great
15:37safe maker and lock maker was it's a nice stout sounding name chub chub chub chub safes and chub blocks
15:44and they had an amazing chum detector lock which was so subtle and clever in the mid 19th century if
15:50it detected someone was trying to pick it its tumblers would all fall down and even the actual key for
15:55it
15:55would no longer fit you'd have to destroy it to open it he picked that in seven minutes wow astonishing
16:00everybody in a horrifying chub of course yeah because they had the bank of england account for
16:05anything else so the bank of england then replaced its chub blocks with hobbs locks good old american
16:10huckstering salesmanship and know-how so he was a highly successful visit for mr. Hobbs yes it was
16:17yeah he got locked in the toilet somewhere yeah but who in poetic law laughs at locksmiths
16:33the official laughing at locksmiths lockers are lining up she's now praying in their faces snorting
16:39derisively audience who laughs at locksmiths love laughs at locksmiths in other words you lock the girl up
16:51you lock the boy up or you put lock barriers between them and they will always find a way
16:54through to each other oh except they don't do they except if you're locked no they won't will they
17:01that's a chub with poetry it's just bollocks
17:04bollocks you just need a good lock it raises false hopes all you need is your lock to be slightly
17:09smarter than the two people in love and really dumb people in love and there are really good locks
17:13that's ridiculous right you're right oh well um speaking of keys what's the key part of
17:21an arch oh yes bill oh no well that's the trouble with these things we play and see the keystone
17:47it is commonplace to use the word keystone as being the thing that makes the arch work but it
17:52isn't true it's not the most important all the arch stones or voussoir are equally important but it is
17:58the last piece to go in and finishes rather beautifully the arrangement as it were in roman
18:04times they'd get the constructor of the arch to stand right under the arch when the support scaffolding
18:11was taken away just to show that he had faith enough in his own world's natural selection of
18:16arch builders isn't it was that guy any good well he's still here i like that idea of getting
18:22people to test things it's like going to a barbecue and getting someone to try the sausage oh yeah
18:28there are certain things that you can only test by using so it's then useless i mean a ring pull
18:33essentially you say let's see i wonder if this ring pull will work oh yes it does good now oh
18:38yeah
18:38you can't say they're bags i suppose yes i've really tried to get the airbag to come out but
18:45no no luck no you really drive to really whack the the dashboards really hard with a mallet or something
18:51and uh well you realize how much force it is by just trying to walk into a wall at two
18:56miles an
18:57hour and your body won't let you yeah it just won't no no no i've done that my mistake when
19:05did
19:06that after a night gone yes yes when drunk or texting or something but i mean if you actually
19:11consciously say right i'm going to walk into this wall and it's only two miles i'm not three miles
19:14an hour just two miles an hour and you just turn your hand goes up you can't stop it it's
19:18your reflex
19:18is there a wall here i'd like to see you not do that image of you not being able to
19:24walk two miles
19:25an hour into a wall two miles an hour is that's i mean what's a normal walking by four miles
19:29an hour
19:29yeah so that's half speed half normal walking speed it's still enough to break your nose that's not
19:34even a stroll is it that's a shuffle it would break your nose what is the theory that if you're
19:38walking at exactly two miles an hour like magic happens you've got to get it exactly right
19:44i mean just kind of slowly walk into a wall try it at home that's all i'm saying maybe it'll
19:51take more than
19:51hours take more than an hour to go two miles if you keep walking to walls wouldn't that's interesting
19:57thing about that that's true so the fact of the matter is that keystones are no more important than
20:02any of the other stones in an art uh why were the keys in a qwerty keyboard arranged the way
20:07they are
20:08now this is they it makes it more difficult to type
20:14that's right and they wanted to
20:18they wanted to slow you were saying typist down no what it is is the ones that most commonly had
20:24done together in english were put furthest apart so they were less likely to jam so in fact it was
20:30in order to allow you to type more smoothly and speedily so that you didn't get the jamming of the
20:34keys as they came up and hit each other oh i see uh of course these days we don't use
20:39mechanical
20:40typewriters in that way with the keys popping up that's how i learned to type and um
20:45enormous typewriter i was tiny
20:52i loved typewriters so much i was obsessed with them absolutely adored them yeah steven yeah dinner's
20:58ready yeah it's true i once copied out a whole novel on the typewriter did you practice yeah just
21:06because i enjoyed the experience well other people were getting on with their lives yeah you were doing
21:13what can i tell you man you are i'm sad i'm so modest what novel was it this is important
21:17frozen assets by pg woodhouse it's not one of his best known novels
21:22look i'm sorry it's amazing you've come so far
21:28what should i have been doing what are you doing anything listening to
21:34nick poydals yes i was clearly i was just lying somewhere uh wasting my life when i should have
21:42been copying out novels on some arcade old bit of kit yes what i like to do in my spare
21:49time
21:50i write out prouster and you use my nail and i ship it into an old bit of flint
21:57you can't hold it no get off nanny i haven't finished yet
22:02such a bully
22:05what do you mean sir sir fry's copied out novels again
22:11chipping them he's using a hammer and a chisel he's chiseled out war of peace
22:17on the south downs
22:21you really do live a different life to all the rest you're not like us are you you're another
22:26more you're not a mortal you're like sent from some other planet you are the planet east that's
22:33what you are i have cosmic clearance yes you do you know when it's all going to end i always
22:39thought that was normal no no oh well now anyway you're a freak you can reprieve my fury at you
22:48oh by telling me the word that can be typed on the qwerty line on the top line it's quite
22:53pleasing
22:56twicuminator typewriter is typewriter can be done along the top it's nice isn't it is it's just a
23:03coincidence typewriter across the top yes i believe so yeah there are a lot of people believe that's
23:07it was deliberate there was a little a lot of conspiracy theory yeah that's right yeah
23:11i don't know that if you're at these fresh white organs from the parent left
23:16now what starts with k and is killed by curiosity it's a kitten
23:25i'm sorry it's an animal species but not a cat
23:29uh a lot of things begin with k's no but you're in the right hemisphere koala again you're in the
23:35right hemisphere not the right kiwi sorry kiwi you're in the right type of animal kia kia is the right
23:42answer very good a kia is a new zealand parrot no it's not flightless in this case oddly enough it's
23:48a parrot and there was a bounty put on them some years ago kia which as you can see look
23:53quite ravenous
23:53they look almost like eagles but they are parrots would ride the sheep and peck away it and eat the
23:59fat of the poor sheep um and so there was a bounty put on their heads and new zealanders found
24:05kias
24:06were very curious animals this is partly a result of having grown up in a country with no mammals for
24:11millions of years yeah anyway what you do is you stand behind a rock and wait for your kia to
24:17come
24:17along and then you drop behind the rock and disappear and the kia thinks that's odd and he
24:24wanders up and he takes a look over and you just with your club just go bang like that but
24:29then that's
24:30the beauty of it you've only just started because you don't have to move you take the kia and you
24:33put
24:33it down the kia's friend goes where's where's kevin where's kevin and then you drop down disappear
24:41again he goes hello what happened there was someone and then there wasn't someone how did that happen
24:45and then he looks over back you know where's keith and then it's so on all the way all the
24:50case
24:51all the case you get a huge swag bag of kia they're not the brightest they're not the brightest things
24:55but then you see the point is they never needed to be because new zealand just apart from a few
25:00bats
25:01never had any mammals no all they needed to do was mate and survive the kakapo for example which is
25:06another type of parrot the only thing likely to predate on it was a vast eagle that used to live
25:11in
25:12new zealand called the hats eagle and so the kakapo solved that by becoming nocturnal like the kiwi
25:17so it could be afraid of nothing and it developed this extraordinary mating ritual which is just
25:23beyond belief it's called the bowl and track it's the only example of this to this particular version
25:29it would dig a bowl a crater and then a path towards it the track immaculately picked clean
25:35and then it would sit for months of the mating season has this huge booming sack and it sounds
25:41like a giant blowing across a beer bottle this kind of noise it would boom and boom and the females
25:47in
25:47the valley below would listen to the boom they most liked and they would waddle up and if by some
25:52terrible chance a leaf had fallen on the track you know immediately just turn them off away and the
25:57poor old male would have to pick it clean go back to booming again sometimes three years would pass
26:00three years would pass blooming away not getting his rocks off extraordinary only evolutionary pressure
26:07on this bird was to get laid that's it there's nothing else is that stupid nocturnal horny bird
26:13and he couldn't even get laid yeah it was like my life
26:19kiwis are not they're not the most exciting birds i mean i've seen i've seen you have you
26:23been barred down into one of their dens uh no i haven't uh bothered to do that no uh there's
26:29one
26:29on youtube in a like playing the piano no no no i've seen them in uh in you know special
26:35areas you
26:36know i went up with this guy he found one and he said get in there get in there and
26:41and so i burrowed
26:42and burrowed and burrowed and you just see this little eye winking at you yeah and that long wonderful
26:48beak and it just winked oh with a little winked back and then a little look that just says you
26:54just
26:54destroyed my house yeah i was careful not to oh lovely three years to make this the new zealand
27:04government they were given two pandas by the chinese government in return for two kiwis and i just
27:09thought it was a little bit of a switch you know yeah it's like so new zealand you know the
27:14zoo in
27:14auckland all these people are going oh look at it oh look at the pandas no you know some zoo
27:19in beijing
27:20people going what these kiwis don't even sneeze nothing very good very good very good now what is this
27:28woman doing though uh what the is this lady gaga's new album cover is it she's wearing it's an experiment
27:40then no she's using a device that's for sale was for sale it was uh built in 1929 a new
27:46device
27:47happened by dr kurt unan uh it records the motions and bodily reactions a lady is pictured being
27:54examined by the device pneumatic belt records the change of the circumference of her chest
28:00pneumatic cuffs about the upper arms control the changes of muscle tension uh through a hose is recorded
28:06the rhythms of respiration and another hose transfers the strength of touch it's a sex toy yeah
28:12what about her hands that's the clue and our theme today she's learning piano piano piano yes it's a
28:19piano teaching machine extraordinary isn't it extraordinary supposed to help you with your
28:26piano playing your posture your breathing there have been many others along those lines there's the
28:31chiroplast which clamped to the piano and trapped the player's arms that's the one on the left so
28:36that you were forced to play using only a wrist and finger action you were then crippled there was the
28:41one in the middle which was the dactylion from the greek dactyl meaning finger was a contraption
28:47designed to strengthen the fingers because there's springs that you're going against in that middle
28:51picture yeah and it's said that robert schumann used that and it actually hurt his fingers though
28:55others say that that was syphilis it's a fine line isn't it when you're into fingering syphilis
29:05next to that is the chiro or the chirurgymnast which is a tiny finger gym which has got little
29:11finger events and you can see them they still encourage you to do that there's little
29:17yes spring loaded that's right strengthening things that i was given in the brief time i tried to get
29:23someone to teach me piano and they said you should strengthen your fingers i thought might as well
29:26be playing piano yeah exactly that's really annoying yeah my old piano teacher she would be much better
29:32than this because she used a ruler and uh if you got it wrong just whack you on the top
29:36of it and that
29:37is a more of a powerful incentive than any of these yeah but if you do harm yourself by using
29:42one of these
29:42things you can always use the bed piano for bedridden people which wow which is a rough
29:48splendid i think you'll agree i hope that's securely attached
29:56the laziest keyboard player and as you see it rolls up pushes away neatly that's fantastic isn't it
30:03i want one you can slide pizzas down from the back yes bill's has seen they're going i am going
30:10to get one
30:11i will i'm going to get one bill will have one of those that's the piano the upside down piano
30:17magic
30:18be easier to strap yourself into bed and tilt the bed up to a normal piano yeah
30:23how would a left-handed piano work i'll play uh high notes at the left there it is and there
30:29it is
30:29that is a left-handed piano you'd take a hell of a lot of unlearning for you to play on
30:33that
30:33good god imagine it would drive you mad it would um transposing pianos you've ever played with one of
30:39those well i've got a there's a device on the keyboard that will do that yeah but uh there are
30:45pianos that have a mechanism that kind of mechanical lever on the yeah and it moves it across to the
30:50next trail it does that right i think berlin used one because he only composed in f-sharp he's like
30:55steve you wonder he couldn't read music but he was the most successful songwriter of his age
31:00really yeah he couldn't read music he was fantastically talented i miss the man who wrote white christmas for
31:04god's sake let alone top hat white tide he lived long enough to be able to see his own
31:09songs go out of copyright because his first hit was in 1911 with alexander's ragtime band you know
31:15come on here come on here alexander's ragtime band they only go out of copyright after you're dead
31:19though by no they do now but on his day it was 75 years after it was written right so
31:24he lived long
31:24enough to see some of his songs go into the public domain now 70 years after very young 20 early
31:2920s
31:30but just had this extraordinary there's a long list of things i have to get after the show
31:34i mean the upside down piano the upside down dinner i mean all you should say there was a list
31:40of
31:40things because that brings me exactly to france list oh how did he change the piano did he have huge
31:51hands in the list he did he could expand a long long span yeah and in the uh there was
31:55there was pianos
31:56made specifically for him was it because he well yes and they then became the standard type because
32:00he just gave it so much bloody welly that they made them out of an iron frame before that there
32:05had been a wooden frame i thought so in jane campion's film the piano when the piano is thrown out
32:10in sea
32:10in the bay in the end it should have floated instead of sinking because the film's set in 1850
32:15right it would have been a pre-listian piano oh did that ruin it for you
32:21you won't be copying that film reels before that well it is rubbish frankly not possible
32:28right so good what what did the man who knew everything think cats were good for
32:37well catching mice catching mice isn't the man who knew everything thomas young well there's various
32:46people who were given the title of the last man to know everything there was to know erasmus leibnitz
32:50von humboldt and this man here kircher his name is he was a german jesuit at anasius kircher and he
32:58certainly was very interested in lots of things he was lowered into vesuvius he believed the bubonic
33:02plague was caused by microbes well ahead of germ theory claimed falsely to have interpreted egyptian
33:07hieroglyphics uh he regarded things like magnetism and love as branches of the same topic attraction
33:13which is a very qi way of looking at things i like that yeah yeah yeah but the cats though
33:18what are the cats doing well we'll come to that um some things he got right he denied the possibility
33:22of flying tortoises raised the possibility but he damn well squashed it said nope there won't be such
33:30a thing as a flying tortoise but he did invent the megaphone and the cats and clavier clavier is
33:37in fact jones key from from clavon latin key but the keyboard instrument the cat playing the piano
33:42he's in he invented youtube i'm afraid for cat lovers it's a little bit more disturbing than that
33:48oh cat string gut string no not cat guts no arranged live cats in the right order according to their
33:55oh and you play drums oh there you go oh that's awesome oh if only they had youtube
34:06the outrage on another case for the list it's on the list yes
34:13you've got to get one of those tails are fixed in place underneath hammers when the keys press the
34:18hammer hits the corresponding you can even get chords and of course there's dynamics the harder you hit
34:23it's the morning you necessarily have to be cruel you could get a same mechanism but just have
34:28it sort of tickle the bollocks of the cat for a trill yeah you have an a cat and a
34:41b cat yeah i guess
34:43i was good yeah but there are only six cats and there are more than six keys so well that's
34:48true
34:48that's a pretty limited range it's very um experimental music experiment all the
34:53other all the other keys hit mice inside the box it's doubtfully actually built it but he certainly
34:58wrote out the plans for one and there are accounts of comparable devices uh for philip of second of
35:03spain which had the additional layer of hilarity that it was played by a bear there are comparable
35:08records of pig organs that louis the 11th of france um had one made by the abbot of bain
35:14there you are getting ascending order of pig pig pig i like the woman singing along with them as
35:19well you think she's playing the pigs but the pigs are playing her
35:26and it's later than mid 19th century there were some instruments known variously as the pig organ the
35:30hog harmonium pigano uh porco forte or worst of all the swine way grand
35:37oh nice so there you are yes several people have tried to make musical instruments out of live
35:43animals although it doesn't really work very well in practice and now for the welcome return of a
35:48keynote of qi a bit of general ignorance very quickly fingers on keypads nicely flexed and name
35:54something written by winston churchill who was that yes the second world war
36:04the nobel prize he won the nobel prize for literature no question can you just out of
36:13interest name the only person who win a nobel prize and an oscar people wrongly say al gore
36:17because there was an oscar given to an inconvenient truth and he was given a nobel peace prize but he
36:21did he didn't win the oscar personally uh any office punters sean connery sure is the right answer
36:28george bernard shaw george bernard shaw yes um came through the door came through the door yes
36:36no he had a ladies public conveniences built yeah yeah he was very interested in stuff like that
36:41being said it was outrageous and disgusting yeah that there should be a public convenience for women
36:45how appalling and he said no i think women need to go too and he had the first the first
36:51ladies lose
36:52in london yes interesting chap but anyway winston churchill did not write under the name winston
36:57churchill our prime minister didn't what did you write under the name of anne bronte
37:04the gathering storm by anne bronte
37:08daphne du maurier my early years katie price
37:15no what's his full name do you remember his spencer william leonard spencer churchill
37:20so he wrote under the name winston s churchill because when he started writing there was a very
37:25successful american novelist called winston churchill and so out of politeness to him he
37:30wrote him this very complicated letter which is sort of jokey i think he says winston churchill has
37:35no doubt that mr winston churchill will recognize from this letter if indeed by no other means that
37:39there is grave danger of his works being mistaken for those of mr winston churchill he feels sure that
37:44mr winston churchill desires this as little as he does himself in future to avoid mistakes as far as
37:49possible mr winston churchill has decided to sign all published articles stories or other works
37:53winston spencer churchill and not winston churchill as formerly he trusted this arrangement will
37:57commend itself to mr winston churchill and winston churchill provide mr winston churchill appreciates
38:02the courtesy of mr winston churchill in adopting the name of winston spencer churchill in his books
38:06articles etc mr winston churchill makes haste to add that had he possessed any other names he would
38:11certainly have adopted one of them there you go right yeah that's so lovely that's nice like the
38:17fact they refer to themselves in the third churchill yeah clement freud had a very good story to tell
38:22about when he was an mp he went to china on on a sort of fact-finding visit with other
38:27parliamentarians
38:28including winston churchill junior i the grandson of winston spencer churchill who was a tory mp
38:34and one day winston churchill invited him back to his room at the hotel for a nightcap and
38:39and freud went and saw that his room was so much better than than his so the next day freud
38:44said
38:44to the guide he said i'm not complaining but i just wondered why mr churchill's room is so much
38:49bigger than mine and the chinese person said oh yes because he has famous grandfather
38:53kevin freud said it's the only time i've ever been out grandfather
38:59you think if your grandfather was sigmund freud you were safe
39:03yeah and no one without grandfather you've got the uh done the executive suite yes exactly yeah
39:08you finish in steve hitler's room
39:10now what truly grim reading matter was banned in germany after the war
39:19romantic comedies mills and booms
39:22say what you hear the clues in the question
39:26say the question again what truly grim reading matter was grim the brother's grim
39:31the brother's grim ah right because people believed that the real savagery of the grim fairy tales
39:37had contributed to something that turned the german people nasty the perceived barbarity of the people
39:43the argument that they had fostered uh obedience discipline uh authoritarianism nationalism glorification
39:50of violence and all that kind of thing became part of the national character according to a british major
39:54tj leonard said the fairy tales had helped teach german children all the varieties of barbarousness
40:00including light flanneling um it it made them easy to fit the role of hangman and so on and so
40:09forth
40:09there was one of the stories was called how children played butcher with each other it was really
40:14savage that was removed from the second edition and in the frog king the frog is not kissed by the
40:20princess he's hurled against a wall with all the strength she has to turn him into a prince
40:26another pattern brutal that'll do it yeah yeah two miles an hour two miles an hour
40:37there's a little froggy um on the other hand there's a lyrical quality the last in the collection
40:44you'll love this story so the little poor boy goes out into a wintry forest to collect wood on a
40:49sled
40:50in the snow he finds a tiny key and next to it an iron box the boy inserts the key
40:58he turns it he lifts
41:00the lid
41:18end of story oh really that's pulp fiction exactly it's the suitcase in pulp fiction exactly what i thought
41:25of the rest is up to your imagination boys and girls what do you think was in that box i
41:30think it was
41:31a spawn porn
41:35that's why i used to go into the woods
41:39well we've ended on a sour bitter and very rude note which is that way we like to end the
41:44qi
41:45yeah so it brings us to the scores and let's have a look my word my goodness my gracious my
41:51goodness and my
41:51everything in first place for a first timer with minus eight it's issy
42:06oh
42:11third place on his first appearance is really not bad it's tim minchin
42:18and yes in fourth place is alan david
42:30so that's it from missy tim bill alan and me and good night
42:34so
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