- 5 minutes ago
First broadcast 11th September 2014.
Hannah and Dan attend the funeral of their old drama teacher Mr Balcombe.
Charlotte Ritchie - Hannah
Tom Stourton - Dan
Cariad Lloyd - Debbie
Tom Palmer - Adam Piper
Joshua McGuire - Jack
John Dagleish - Sheriff
Joanna Brookes - Roz
Ben Ashenden - Michael
Attila G. Kerekes - Mourner
Hannah and Dan attend the funeral of their old drama teacher Mr Balcombe.
Charlotte Ritchie - Hannah
Tom Stourton - Dan
Cariad Lloyd - Debbie
Tom Palmer - Adam Piper
Joshua McGuire - Jack
John Dagleish - Sheriff
Joanna Brookes - Roz
Ben Ashenden - Michael
Attila G. Kerekes - Mourner
Category
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TVTranscript
00:06I can't believe Mr. Balcombe's dead.
00:08It's like one minute you're just a normal 86-year-old guy lying in your hospice bed,
00:13and the next, you're dead.
00:16I am seriously pumped for this funeral, though.
00:19What?
00:20Obviously, I'm sad, too.
00:22I mean, I love Mr. Balcombe, but it'll be great to see the old drama club again.
00:26Yeah, that's true.
00:26I haven't seen any of them since Mum made us quit the club because it was giving us too much
00:29self-esteem.
00:30What was that, like 12 years ago?
00:32Can't wait to see how everyone's changed.
00:34Who's losing their hair?
00:36Who's still jealous because I've got the most lines in every show?
00:39Whose life has gone to shit?
00:40He's being cremated, isn't he?
00:42Yeah, I think so.
00:42Okay, cool.
00:44And we just, like, watch.
00:45We don't add wood or anything.
00:48Add wood?
00:50What are you picturing, exactly?
00:51You know, like they used to do to witches, that kind of thing.
00:55He's all being burned at the stake.
00:57When they cremate someone, they basically just put their body in a big pizza oven.
01:00How do you not know that?
01:01Give me a break, Hannah.
01:02It's my first funeral, okay?
01:04I'm still learning the ropes.
01:06What if I cry too loudly?
01:08Or not loudly enough?
01:10I should have practiced crying.
01:16Dan, your crying's going to be awesome.
01:18Now let's go rock the shit out of this funeral.
01:37Hannah!
01:40Hi, sorry, do I...
01:41No.
01:42It's me, Debbie.
01:43From drama club.
01:45We did, like, seven shows together.
01:47You and your brother got into a fight over a yo-yo at my tenth birthday party and smashed my
01:52cake.
01:56Everyone used to call me Flebby.
01:57Oh my God, Flabby Debbie?
01:59Yeah.
01:59You look so different.
02:01I have had a teeny bit of a makeover.
02:03I dyed my hair, new wardrobe.
02:04Yeah, and you're not fat anymore.
02:07So what are you and your non-flabby arms up to these days?
02:09Well, I'm an actor.
02:11Oh, wow, you kept going with that stuff.
02:13I'm actually putting on a one-woman show.
02:16It's about a bored housewife who has a secret affair with a bored housewife, and I wrote it myself.
02:23You should come.
02:24I mean, I can get you tickets.
02:27Um, no, thanks.
02:30What?
02:31No, I'm sure your show's fine, but I just have absolutely no interest in seeing that.
02:35Wow, you really haven't changed.
02:40See you inside.
02:52It's good now.
02:54Do take a seat.
02:57I'm sorry for your loss.
02:58Your dad was a great man and an inspiration.
03:02His drama club was so special, it changed lives.
03:06That would have meant a lot to him.
03:08Taught me a bunch of cool tongue twisters.
03:10To begin, to toboggan, first buy a toboggan.
03:13It was brilliant.
03:14I actually had a dream about him last night.
03:17I was back in the drama club, and Mr Balcon was there, but he was a spy.
03:23He didn't say it, but, uh, you know how you just kind of, like, know stuff in dreams?
03:27And then he was like, everybody get out!
03:30It's a chemical attack!
03:31And so I kick in the windows and get everybody out, and I'm running.
03:35And it's me, your dad, and a guy who works in a cafe near where I live.
03:41He's there for some reason.
03:42And we're running and running until we get to this big field.
03:46And then I woke up.
03:52Okay.
03:53Well, if you'd like to take a seat.
03:55Um, also, I got you something.
03:57Sort of a condolence present.
04:03I know it won't go all the way to replacing your dad, but I hope it helps.
04:10Um, also, I opened it and played with it a little bit.
04:14And I kind of broke the left ear.
04:18I am sorry for your loss.
04:36This is my programme.
04:38Get your own.
04:38I spilt Diet Coke on mine.
04:40Where do you get Diet Coke from?
04:41I brought some just in case.
04:43Do you want one?
04:44Yeah, right.
04:47Is that a poncho?
04:48Yeah, I told you.
04:49It's my first funeral.
04:50Don't be underprepared.
04:51Also, I've got a torch, some baby wipes, and a pocket knife.
04:58Oh, my God, it's Adam Piper.
04:59Who's Adam Piper?
05:01He was in our drama club, remember?
05:02His parents split up, and he emigrated to New Zealand.
05:06I can't believe he's here.
05:07He was my first kiss.
05:09And you were so bad, he fled the country.
05:11Shut up.
05:12It was fucking magical.
05:13It was the year we did Peter Pan, literally the last night.
05:16I was waiting in the wings to go on for my solo,
05:18and he just came up behind me, whipped me round, kissed me,
05:21and then just walked off.
05:24That was your first kiss?
05:25That was the last time I ever saw him.
05:27His mum picked him up as soon as the show finished.
05:30It was the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me,
05:32or probably anyone.
05:34Adam.
05:36Psst.
05:37Adam.
05:39Adam.
05:40Adam.
05:45Right, I'm going to go track down Adam Piper.
05:51I wish I'd known he was coming to the funeral.
05:53I would have wanted something sexier.
05:55Are you kind of making too much of this?
05:56It was just a dumb kiss.
05:58It was my first kiss, Dan.
06:00It's an incredibly formative experience in a girl's life.
06:03It's like the equivalent of a boy's first wet dream.
06:05Yeah.
06:05I mean, he was sort of my childhood sweetheart.
06:08Imagine if he hadn't left the country,
06:10we'd probably still be a couple.
06:12Oh, we'd be doing cool couple shit,
06:14like getting brunch and having sex
06:16and photoshopping each other's faces onto pictures of dogs.
06:18What?
06:19OK, I'm going in.
06:21Wish me luck.
06:23Oi, oi, Danny boy!
06:25Hey!
06:25Holy shit!
06:26Jack!
06:27I didn't know you were coming!
06:28Mr. Balcom was a fucking hero.
06:30Would have missed this for the world.
06:31Right, what time's kick-off?
06:32The service literally just ended.
06:33Oh, bollocks.
06:35Me and Sheriff stocked off for a bit of breakfast.
06:37Met this stonking waitress.
06:39Must have lost like a time.
06:40Wait, Sheriff's here?
06:41Yeah, mate.
06:42He's right behind you.
06:44Oh!
06:45Oh!
06:49Oh, no!
06:50Oh, no!
06:52Fucking good, Danny boy!
06:54It's all right, gangly friends!
06:56Yeah, I had a big growth spurt when I turned 16.
06:58And 18.
06:59I think I might still be growing.
07:00Yeah, mate, we're going to sneak in a cheeky pint before the wait.
07:03You know, needs to pay them all that.
07:04You in?
07:04Yeah!
07:05Sounds good!
07:06Let's go!
07:07Come on up!
07:07Biggie back, you lanky flick!
07:09Shut up!
07:11Come on, Danny boy!
07:13Adam!
07:14Hi!
07:15Hey!
07:16Hannah!
07:16It's great to see you.
07:18I can't believe you're here.
07:19I flew in overnight.
07:20Just felt like I couldn't really miss it, you know?
07:22Mr. Balcon was like a second, less judgmental dad to me.
07:26Yeah.
07:27Sad.
07:29Still, we have got a lot to catch up on.
07:31I mean, how's New Zealand, for God's sake?
07:33Have you ever met Peter Jackson?
07:35Just once, yeah.
07:35Wow.
07:36But New Zealand's good.
07:37I'm actually studying to be a Reiki instructor.
07:39What's Reiki?
07:40Oh, it's a form of holistic healing that uses natural vibrations from within the universe
07:44to remove unhealthy energies.
07:46Oh, so it's like one of those scam things like, um, acupuncture or psychiatry.
07:50No, believe me, Hannah, Reiki is the real deal.
07:52I once saw a woman with osteoporosis literally forward roll out of her session.
07:56Well, I'm still not sold, but maybe while you're in town you could try and convince me
08:00over a kiwi juice, perhaps.
08:02I'd love to, but heading back tomorrow, flight's first thing.
08:05You can't be leaving already.
08:06I mean, you only just got here.
08:08It could be another 12 years before I see you again.
08:10Yeah, I know.
08:11It's a shame.
08:11It would have been really cool to catch up.
08:14But listen, if you're ever down in Auckland and you need someone to align those chakras,
08:18give me a call.
08:23Oh, hey, Nick.
08:24Hey.
08:25Oh, there is nothing better than that first cold sip of your third bite, eh?
08:30Cheers, Daddy boy.
08:31Cheers.
08:31Cheers.
08:39So, you guys came together, yeah?
08:41Yeah, mate.
08:41Well, when we heard the news, we thought, let's make a bit of a thing of it, you know?
08:44A sort of a tour de grief.
08:46Same Mr. Balcomoff in style.
08:47Yeah, I hammed it up a bit.
08:48I've got a weak sympathy leave of work.
08:50What did you do?
08:51I'm an estate agent.
08:52Hey.
08:53What did you do, Sheriff?
08:54I'm a lettings agent.
08:57Anyway, I've got my suit dry cleaned.
08:59Hopped in Sheriff's Audi.
09:00We've been driving and boozing for the last six days.
09:03I can't believe we're all grown up.
09:04I mean, Sheriff, you've got a missus.
09:06Jack, you take stuff to get dry cleaned.
09:08It's amazing.
09:10What are you up to, Dad?
09:10Not much.
09:11I live with my sister and I went to prison for a bit.
09:14Fuck off.
09:15For real?
09:16I mean, I was only there for like a couple of months, but...
09:18I always knew you were middle, Dad.
09:19Hey, hey.
09:20Remember when we were doing Aladdin and, Dan, you jump me off the lighting rig with a flying
09:24cup and you broke your elbow.
09:28Sometimes I still feel shooting pains when it gets caught.
09:32Oh, fucking brilliant.
09:34Excuse me, ladies.
09:35You should watch my stuff for me.
09:37I'm lipping to the toilet.
09:44Do you know what would be weird, Dan?
09:46Hmm?
09:46If you ate that old Dean's roast while he was in the bathroom.
09:49Oh, my God.
09:50Yeah?
09:51Really?
09:52I mean, that would be weird.
09:54He'd come back and he'd be all like, where's my roast runoff to?
09:58He'd probably shit his head.
10:00Why would that be so fucking funny?
10:05Yeah, all right.
10:06I'll do it.
10:06Hey!
10:08Oh, my God.
10:10Oh, look at this.
10:14Oh, look at this.
10:15Oh, look at this.
10:17Oh, look at this.
10:30Criving. Criving. Criving. Criving. Criving. Criving. Criving. Criving.
10:38You are a legend.
10:40Legend of the time.
11:00All right, Hannah.
11:01Where have you been?
11:02And why covered in... What is that?
11:05Oh, it's just gravy.
11:06I went for a drink with Jack and Sheriff.
11:08Oh, God, not those idiots.
11:10They are not idiots.
11:12Sheriff is a lettings agent.
11:14And Jack got off a drink driving charge
11:16by pretending someone spiked his drink.
11:18Whatever. A bigger fish to fry.
11:20Adam Piper's going back to New Zealand tomorrow morning.
11:23And that's a bad thing, because...
11:24Adam Piper wasn't just my first kiss.
11:27He was the one who got away.
11:29I've had an Adam Piper-sized itch for the last 12 years,
11:31and just when I finally get the chance to scratch it,
11:34he jets back off to Middle Earth.
11:35I am not going to spend another 12 years
11:37wondering what might have been.
11:39So what are you going to do about it?
11:40I guess I don't have a choice.
11:42I'm going to have to seduce him at this funeral.
11:46I kind of feel like you do have a choice.
11:47Shut up.
11:49Oh, look at them having a wicked time with the family
11:51while I'm stuck over here in Dickhead Corner.
11:54This is not Dickhead Corner.
11:56All right, Dickheads?
11:57Hey, guys.
11:57Just telling Hannah about your tour de grief.
12:00Yeah, yeah, we were in Brighton last night.
12:02Ended up tagging along with this mental hen party.
12:05You would not believe how much snizz you get
12:07when you play the bereavement card.
12:08Obviously, I've got a missus,
12:09so I couldn't do anything out of line.
12:11Just went back to the guest house and knocked one out.
12:13It's really great to see you guys again, too.
12:16Excuse me.
12:21Do you know what would be weird, Dan?
12:23If you put one of your balls in that ramekin?
12:27Do you think?
12:28Oh, mate, that would be classic.
12:30Everyone would be like,
12:31hmm, does this mustard taste like scrotum?
12:37No, don't.
12:39What is wrong with you?
12:40I cannot believe the potential love of my life
12:42is leaving for another hemisphere in 16 hours,
12:44and I'm stuck in fucking funeral Siberia
12:47with a gulag full of idiots.
12:50Where are you going?
12:51I'm going to go and sit next to Adam Piper.
12:53Let the seduction begin.
12:57And don't do the ramekin thing.
13:01Mate, do the ramekin thing.
13:03You're a legend of the day!
13:06Hey, what's happening, peeps?
13:10Um, Debs, could I have a quick word?
13:11Yeah, I was just thinking maybe we could swap seats.
13:14Why? What's wrong with how you're sitting now?
13:16Nothing.
13:17I just thought maybe we could mingle.
13:19You know how parties are.
13:21Well, it's not really a party.
13:23OK, what's it going to take to get you to swap?
13:24I've got 15 quid and a Kit Kat chunky.
13:27Come on, Flebby, I know you've got a sweet tooth.
13:31You know I'm all right here.
13:33Fine.
13:34OK, what if I promise to see your show?
13:37Really?
13:37I think you'd love it.
13:39In the third act, you'd find out
13:40that the housewives have both been dead for six years.
13:43So...
13:43Oh, my God, no, I'm sorry, I can't.
13:45That just sounds terrible.
13:51Oh, that's better.
13:53Um, Adam, you know that Reiki stuff you mentioned?
13:56Do you think maybe you could give me a little demo?
13:58Yeah, I'd love to.
13:59OK.
14:00Face this way.
14:00Yeah.
14:03Oh, my God, I feel better already.
14:06See, the great thing about Reiki is you can do it anywhere.
14:08I mean, with a blood transfusion,
14:09got to go to hospital,
14:10but I can just do this on the bus.
14:13Excuse me, Hannah.
14:14Hi, sorry.
14:15But could you possibly move your chair?
14:18Ah, no, it's OK.
14:19I'm fine here.
14:19Yes, but you are blocking the way a little,
14:21so if you wouldn't mind.
14:24Ah, yeah, fine.
14:25Sorry.
14:26You're all right.
14:29Sorry.
14:40That's better.
14:41Sorry, um, where were we?
14:42Excuse me?
14:43Sorry, I thought...
14:44Could you please just...
14:45Absolutely.
14:51Oh.
14:56Hannah!
14:57Oh, come on!
14:58Please, go back to your seat.
15:00Otherwise, I'm afraid I might have to ask you to leave.
15:03Fine.
15:04I'll move.
15:04But only because I respect your dad too much to make a scene.
15:12Woo-hoo!
15:13This old man shit is fucking sweet.
15:16Oh, my God.
15:18I wish I could get one of these for the flat.
15:20Oh, you should, mate.
15:21That was a fucking sound, yeah?
15:22Hannah would never let me.
15:23She doesn't like nocturnal animals.
15:25Says they're devious.
15:27You should do what I did when I wanted a 65-inch plasma.
15:30Just ask the missus for a 98-inch hat
15:32and then bargain my way down.
15:34And that works?
15:34Let's just say when I watch Match of the Day now,
15:36I can practically feel the spray tan dripping off Lineker's face.
15:39Oh, my God.
15:40That's genius!
15:42You know, I was sort of freaking out a bit this morning
15:44about the whole inevitable death thing,
15:46but hanging out with you guys, it's just been great.
15:50I'm so glad you came here.
15:51All right, hold up, boys.
15:52We struck gold.
15:54No wonder Malcolm lived so long.
15:56It was a walkie medicine cabinet.
15:58Do you know what would be weird, Dan,
16:00if you took all these meds?
16:02Fucking hell, I'd be weird.
16:07Er, I guess that would be weird.
16:10Might also be a bit very dangerous.
16:12Oh, mate, it's medicine.
16:14How sick can it make you?
16:15I could do something else weird.
16:17I could put my balls on more stuff.
16:19We've already done that.
16:20It's not weird anymore.
16:21Come on, mate.
16:22What happened to Legend of the Dan?
16:24Come on.
16:26Yes!
16:29Adam, I think you need to come upstairs.
16:31I think I felt some bad spirits.
16:33Spirits?
16:33Yes, spirits, energies, vibrations, whatever.
16:35You just, can you come and take a look?
16:37Right.
16:41What's the, er, what's the problem?
16:44Oh, nothing.
16:45No, I just thought I'd rescue you from Flebby.
16:47Besides, our Reiki session got cut short.
16:50You know, I thought it'd be nice if we caught up.
16:52I mean, we do have so much history together.
16:55Ah, look at the two of us.
16:57All grown up.
16:58I'm a young, modern, sexually independent woman.
17:02You're a hot-shot Reiki instructor.
17:06Well, I don't know.
17:08We're still technically just studying.
17:10Whatever.
17:10The point is, we're older, wiser.
17:13We're like two succulent plums.
17:16We've been waiting out on that branch in the hot, hot sun.
17:20And now we're finally ready to be plucked.
17:24Oh, my God.
17:25What?
17:26The Wizard of Oz.
17:27That was my first show at the club.
17:29My parents came to opening night, and I was so nervous,
17:32sweated off all my lion face paint.
17:35Mr. Balcom was reapplying it, and I said I didn't want to go on anymore.
17:39He said,
17:41The reason I chose you as the cowardly lion is because I know that all you need is a tiny
17:48bit of courage,
17:48and there'll be nothing you can't do.
17:52And I went out there, and I smashed it.
17:56My parents loved it.
17:58It was pretty much the only time they stopped fighting for long enough to agree on something.
18:03And it was all thanks to Mr. Balcom.
18:10Oh, no, come on.
18:13Come here.
18:13That's it.
18:15Let it out.
18:19Let it out.
18:31Okay.
18:33Right.
18:33Pink one next.
18:35These are for your old kidneys.
18:39How you feeling, Danny boy?
18:41All right.
18:42Yeah.
18:42Head's a bit fuzzy, and I've sort of got an erection, but...
18:45I can't even pronounce these words, but apparently the side effects include dry mouth,
18:49loss of smell, and acute muscle stoppage.
18:53Bon appetit!
18:55Time to say adios to your glaucoma.
19:01Oh, shit, it's the missus.
19:03No, I don't have to take this.
19:04The kids are on half turn.
19:05They'll be doing their head in.
19:05I should check in with the office.
19:07My boss is on maternity leave, so technically, I'm in charge of the fucking plan.
19:10Wait.
19:10You guys are leaving me.
19:12Don't worry, Danny boy.
19:13I'm just going to deal with this, yeah?
19:14But, we're going to take all of these, yeah?
19:19Dan, you're a legend.
19:20Legend of the Dan.
19:26Wow.
19:27When I stepped onto the plane in Auckland, I definitely wasn't expecting anything like
19:31that to happen.
19:32I know, but it felt so right, didn't it?
19:35Like scratching a deep, universal itch.
19:38It was amazing.
19:40You know, part of me always knew this would happen one day.
19:42Really?
19:43Yeah.
19:44I mean, it's a classic love story.
19:46Boy meets girl, boy kisses girl.
19:48Boy moves to New Zealand, boy comes back from New Zealand for a funeral.
19:52Boy and girl reconnect.
19:53What do you mean?
19:54We never kissed?
19:56Yeah, we did.
19:57No?
19:58I'm sure we didn't.
19:59Yes, we did, and it was magical.
20:02It was the last night of Peter Pan, and I was waiting in the wings, and he just came
20:05up behind me and whipped me round and kissed me.
20:07No, no, no, I missed the last night of Peter Pan.
20:09I had food poisoning.
20:11No, but I remember.
20:14You mean, it wasn't you I kissed?
20:17No, but better late than never.
20:20I guess the universe has a way of working these things out.
20:23It's like my Reiki master Xander always says.
20:31Huh.
20:40I can't believe I just had sex with Adam Piper.
20:43I thought that's what you wanted.
20:45That was before I found out he wasn't the one who kissed me.
20:47He wasn't my long-lost love.
20:48He was just some twat talking about vibrations.
20:51So you're done seducing people?
20:53No way.
20:54I've come too far to quit.
20:55Someone in this room is the one who got away, and I'm going to find out who it was today.
20:59Otherwise, Mr. Balcombe died for nothing.
21:03What's wrong with you?
21:04My left side's just a bit, uh, numb.
21:09Me, Jack, and Cher have found a bunch of Mr. Balcombe's medication, and we all took some.
21:13Well, I took some, and they all watched, but we all loved it.
21:18Oh, my God.
21:21Are you all right?
21:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:24Don't worry about me.
21:25I'm fine.
21:26Seriously.
21:30Oh, hey, Hannah.
21:32How's it going?
21:37Excuse me, honey.
21:38Do you remember kissing me when we were 12?
21:41It was in the wings during Peter Pan.
21:43I'm sorry.
21:44Don't just say no.
21:45Think about it.
21:46You, me, Peter Pan.
21:50This is a long shot, but...
21:52Hannah, great news.
21:54I pushed back my flight home.
21:55What are you talking about?
21:56I was thinking maybe I could crash at your place for a few weeks.
21:59No, absolutely not.
22:00But I thought we...
22:02Well, like you said, we have a special connection.
22:05No, we don't.
22:06We definitely don't.
22:07I mean, I thought we did for, like, ages, but it turns out we don't.
22:11I spent £2,000 on a new plane ticket.
22:16Don't even have anywhere to stay.
22:17Adam, I'm kind of busy right now, OK?
22:21It was really great seeing you again.
22:23I'll admit, I think the Reiki stuff sounds like a crock of shit, but, you know, good luck with it.
22:28I don't know.
22:30Maybe it's just the whole occasion getting to me, or it's the two dozen pills I just took, or the
22:40nasal spray, or that one suppository.
22:44But I just feel like maybe I'm ready to die.
22:49Not now, but one day, surrounded by the people I love, and maybe a monkey as well.
23:00That is such a great point.
23:05I've never thought about it like that.
23:17Exactly!
23:21I'm sorry, Hannah.
23:23I mean, maybe we kissed, but, like I say, I can barely remember the show.
23:26Well, maybe if we kissed now, that would jog your memory.
23:29What if it was such a good memory that your brain repressed it?
23:32I'm not sure that's how it works.
23:34Look, just trust me.
23:36No, no, Hannah, I've got a girlfriend.
23:38Oh, so what?
23:39This isn't a sex thing.
23:41It's like when a farmer tosses off a horse to sell that stuff to other farmers.
23:44He's not into it, he just has to do it.
23:47I have to do this.
23:49Oh, my God.
23:51Oh, this is a good suit.
23:52What is going on here?
23:54She's trying to kiss me and won't take no for an answer.
23:57Hannah, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
23:59You're kicking me out of the funeral?
24:00Yes.
24:01Now, please leave.
24:02You can't do that.
24:03That's like kicking someone out of a baptism.
24:06I mean, that did happen to me once, but it was totally the baby's fault.
24:09Frank, Sam, could you please just...
24:12No, guys, guys, I'm just trying to find the one who got away.
24:16Ow, does that mean nothing to you people?
24:21Hey, jelly boy.
24:22How's it going, mate?
24:23Okay, I've finished the pills.
24:26Oh, dear.
24:26The pills, I totally forgot.
24:28Good job.
24:29Thanks.
24:30Everything I look at is covered in purple spots, but I like the colour purple.
24:36That's the spirit, mate.
24:38Hey, in a couple of days, when my ears have stopped ringing, you guys definitely come round to my place.
24:44It'll be just like the old days.
24:49We could order pizza and call 999, pretend we've been kidnapped.
24:55No can do, I'm afraid, mate.
24:57Oh, we've got to take the missus to Venice for her birthday.
24:59Ten days of eating risotto and fingering her in a gondola.
25:02Yeah, things are getting pretty hectic down at the estate agent.
25:04Okay.
25:05What about tonight?
25:06Sorry, mate.
25:07We've got to jump in the Audi as soon as this thing's over.
25:09Yeah, real life, Danny boy.
25:10Don't stop.
25:11Like a gangbang of responsibilities.
25:12They just keep coming and coming.
25:14Ooh.
25:15You know what would be weird?
25:16Oh, what?
25:17Please don't make me do any more weird stuff.
25:19I don't want to drink lighter fluid or stick a fish knife up my arse.
25:22No, I was just going to say it'd be weird if you came to Cheshire with us next month.
25:25Well, Dad's having a hernia, Rob.
25:27We're going to swing by.
25:27Yeah, we're hiring a barge.
25:29I love going for a pool on a boat.
25:31It makes me feel dead flashing.
25:32I would hug you guys, but both my armies have gone completely dead.
25:37We'll just get you a couple of drinks.
25:38That'll sort you out.
25:39Next is a problem.
25:40Dad!
25:41Dad!
25:42Tell them I'm not crazy!
25:44I'm just on a mission!
25:45Please, Dad!
25:46Hannah!
25:48We're going on a barge!
25:51Wonderful father.
25:54Next, Debbie, who wants to say a few words.
25:58I see a lot of faces here from drama club, and I know that you'll all agree when I say
26:04Mr. Balcom was a true inspiration.
26:07It's because of him that I became an actress.
26:09Which is why I'd like to take this opportunity to perform a brief extract from my one-woman show.
26:16The Scandalous Tribulations of Penelope Forsyth.
26:20Hannah!
26:21What is this?
26:21I told you, get out!
26:23Frank, Sam!
26:24No!
26:25If you guys try and throw me out again, I swear to God I will dropkick both of you in
26:29the dick.
26:30I had to go 11 houses down before one of your neighbours believed me when I said I was the
26:34garden inspector and let me in.
26:36I have climbed several fences, crawled through a bramble bush, lost a shoe, and stepped in a lot of different
26:42types of animal shit.
26:43So I think I've earned the right to say a few words.
26:47It was 12 years ago.
26:49It was the last night of Peter Pan.
26:51I was in the wings, waiting to go on.
26:54Somebody whipped me round, kissed me, and walked off.
26:58It was the best moment of my life, and I want to know, which of you fuckers was it?
27:08Mate, that was fucking Dan.
27:11What?
27:11No, it wasn't.
27:12Yeah, it was.
27:12We gave him to do it, yeah.
27:15Dan?
27:18Why would you do that?
27:21They said it would be weird.
27:23Legend of the Dan.
27:27But why didn't you say anything?
27:31I don't want to ruin your funeral.
27:36So, hmm, you're telling me, basically, the best moment of my life, my whole sexual persona, is based on a
27:45kiss with you?
27:54That is fucking weird.
27:58Sorry.
27:59Oh.
28:00I love you.
28:30I love you.
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