- 2 days ago
First broadcast 11th October 2013.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Sandi Toksvig
Jason Manford
Trevor Noah
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Sandi Toksvig
Jason Manford
Trevor Noah
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:04Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, where tonight's theme is
00:09killers, and our keen k-k-k-k-k-nologists, look it up, are the menacing Jason Manford,
00:21the merciless Sandy Toxvig, the murderous Trevor Noah,
00:31and the mostly harmless Alan Davis.
00:40So, let's hear their homicidal death knells. Sandy goes, just once. Jason goes, Trevor goes, and Alan goes,
00:58Killing me so, killing me so, are we?
01:04Well, it was common in the Second World War, death by flack. So, name the world's second best hunter.
01:12I mean, human beings must be the first, surely. We get rid of entire species without any trouble at all.
01:17Which one is that?
01:19Do you recognize him?
01:20Hemingway.
01:21Hemingway, that's Hemingway, who was mad on hunting. And man is indeed the most efficient, we wipe out old species.
01:26Yes. So, who's second?
01:28Sharks.
01:28Killer Whale.
01:29I would skip.
01:30Killer Whale is the right answer.
01:33So good.
01:36He's even got it in his name.
01:38That's how successfully he's even called himself a killer.
01:41He's even got the word killer in his name, you're right. And the point about the Killer Whale is, firstly,
01:46that they're misnamed, that it was the Spanish name for them, which we misinterpreted as Killer Whale. They're actually whale
01:53killers. They kill whales.
01:55Oh.
01:56Oh.
01:57I've seen a documentary where they pursued a mother and a baby.
02:01Grey Whale.
02:03For hundreds of miles.
02:04Up the coast of California, probably.
02:05Two or three of them. And eventually, they get too tired to fend them off, and then they eat the
02:11baby whale.
02:12I know, the point is they act in packs. And they're not whales. They're people.
02:17Oh, yeah.
02:19Can you tell from, almost from the arcing leap that he's making?
02:22Dolphins.
02:22Dolphins.
02:23Dolphins.
02:23They're dolphins that really, really are very intelligent. And they have an amazing way of attacking their prey. And apart
02:30from whales, they're particularly fond of a juicy...
02:34Seals.
02:35Yeah, they love their seals. But what's so impressive is the technique they use and also how they...
02:40Well, they beach themselves, don't they? They actually, they actually...
02:42That's one way is they actually get them on land, yeah. But there's an even more impressive way, which is
02:47they try and tilt the little ice flow that the seals will be on.
02:50And knock them off.
02:50And if the ice flow is too big, they line up in a row with a leader who sort of
02:55blows a signal. The young ones watch, and they literally sort of check that the young ones are watching, so
02:59they learn the technique.
03:01And then line abreast, they charge the ice flow, creating a bow wave, which goes over the ice flow, so
03:07the seal falls off. We can show you that.
03:09But here they are. There's the line of them. And there's the wave is going to go right over the...
03:16Woof!
03:17Knock the poor thing off.
03:19It's very cunning.
03:21And sad.
03:22And sad, it's true.
03:24Clever.
03:25But damn, it's clever.
03:28Another smart move that was observed in 2005 by... What's the other word for a killer whale? I'm sure you
03:34know.
03:34Orca.
03:35Yeah, a group was found, or at least a single orca was seen regurgitating into the sea, and herrings then
03:42flocked down to eat the puke.
03:44And, sorry, did I say herrings? I meant herring gulls.
03:46Do you know, it's a... And I come from the land of the herring and I'd lost myself in this
03:50story.
03:51Yeah, these birds swooped down onto the puke and started to eat it, and it then ate the birds. So
03:57it was a clever strategy.
03:59Bait?
03:59It was bait. It created its own bait by throwing up. And then other orcas were seen to imitate it.
04:03And it had never been observed before, and that's what's so dolphin-like about them. They learn new behaviours and
04:08transmit them.
04:09Do you think you discovered it by accident? It had a bit of a night on the sauce and...
04:12Yes, probably.
04:13Oh, hello, the girls are coming.
04:15Almost certainly, that's quite...
04:16Probably eating a dodgy prawn.
04:17Yeah.
04:17Yes.
04:18That's one of the worst things about being sea-life.
04:21Yes.
04:21They're constantly eating seafood all the time.
04:24You don't have a vegetarian option.
04:27And also, as you rightly said, they do attack on land. That's to say they come precariously close to beaching
04:33themselves.
04:34They're always in disguise then, aren't they? They wear hats in the dark.
04:37They look like lifeguards.
04:38Two of them sat on each other's shoulders with a long coat.
04:39We can see.
04:40We can see them doing it, actually.
04:42We've got a little bit of footage of the attack of the orca on the poor old...
04:47The seals think we're safe now.
04:50Oh, no.
04:52Ooh.
04:54But I...
04:55Ooh.
04:56Ooh.
04:57Well, it's in there somewhere.
04:58Oh, there we go.
04:59You should voice over more wildlife.
05:00Yeah.
05:01I know.
05:05That one's going to work.
05:09Because early enough, I did voice over one called Ocean Giants, which was about dolphins
05:15and whales.
05:16Yeah, precisely.
05:17But fortunately, it wasn't quite such a vague script.
05:21That's good.
05:22Actually, I did a show for BBC called Walk on the Wild Side.
05:25Oh, yes, I did one of those.
05:26You played a panda, I think, that was overeating or something.
05:30And we also had Sir Tom Jones do one.
05:33And everyone, like yourself, we just sent them the script.
05:36And, you know, it takes two minutes just to record it and send it back in.
05:38And Tom Jones, he just got a phone call one day in the studio.
05:42And he said, I've been sent this script.
05:44You want me to play a lion?
05:45And I was like, yeah, that's right.
05:46He went, I don't really like lions.
05:48And I was like, what?
05:51And I said, well, we're recording tomorrow.
05:53I said, is there any animal you'd prefer?
05:55He went, I am a big fan of the penguin.
05:58And I'd like 24 hours to write a penguin sketch.
06:01And, er...
06:02Did it sing, the penguin?
06:03Did you get it to sing?
06:04No, it was just a penguin.
06:06He'd finish with it.
06:08Well, there you are.
06:08Killer whales.
06:09They're not whales, but they are killers.
06:11Now, how can a bottle of whiskey save your life?
06:15Aw.
06:15Well, in a fight, I'm assuming.
06:17Is it the bottle or the contents?
06:20It's the...
06:20What's the contents?
06:21Ingestion of whiskey.
06:22Well, if you suffer trauma and you've got ethanol in your system,
06:25presumably you're going to be better off.
06:27Presumably...
06:28Shut up!
06:29How did you know that?
06:32Because I've had a lot of trauma while drunk.
06:42You're absolutely right.
06:43There was a documentary case where it was literally a bottle of whiskey.
06:46There was a New Zealand chef called Doocy who went on a vodka binge,
06:49and he went blind.
06:51He was literally blind drunk.
06:53They think it was because he was on diabetic medication
06:56and that this basically turned it all into formaldehyde,
06:59which can cause blindness, as well as preserving you very nicely.
07:04And the usual thing is to put someone on an ethanol drip.
07:08They didn't have any medical ethanol in this particular hospital,
07:11but they did have an offy,
07:13so they went and got a bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label
07:16and they put him on a drip,
07:17and five days later he woke up with sight fully restored.
07:21Wow.
07:22And a whiskey drip.
07:23It was a whiskey drip.
07:24Literally a bottle of whiskey.
07:25Sounds like a good name for a pub, isn't it?
07:27A whiskey drip.
07:29I think it's a fact,
07:30even if you have an accident or a serious injury
07:32and you're drunk at the time,
07:33you're probably more likely to recover than if you are...
07:36Shut up again!
07:40Isn't that...
07:41Didn't you sneak into my dressing rooms and look at my cards?
07:43No, no, no.
07:44I mean, I'm...
07:45I know this.
07:46I wrote a play,
07:47which is a lot about soldiers and how they deal with things,
07:50and some of the soldiers who were intoxicated
07:52at the time of the battle did better.
07:54They recovered better.
07:55Well, you're absolutely right.
07:56Did you know this?
07:57I always knew about the ragdoll effect.
07:59If you have the alcohol,
08:00and then if you fall,
08:01or if you're in a car accident,
08:02because you don't brace,
08:03then you're...
08:04It's the same as a baby.
08:05If you drop babies, they're fine.
08:06They just...
08:09So if you're drunk,
08:10that's why you recover quicker,
08:12because you just don't brace,
08:13and then you...
08:13It just goes through you.
08:15You'll probably end up in more situations
08:17where you're likely to get hurt.
08:19That is true.
08:19You get other injuries.
08:20You get other DRIs, don't you?
08:22Drink-related injuries.
08:24DRIs?
08:24I like the fact you know that.
08:25That's a big mistake.
08:27Well, we've got Mr. Davis presenting with a DRI again.
08:31A friend who had a great DRI,
08:32where he managed to get home...
08:34Yeah.
08:34...against all odds,
08:35and then fell asleep against the radiator.
08:38Oh!
08:39Oh!
08:40Oh!
08:40Kind of nasty burn on his army head.
08:43There was like a practical joke that kids did
08:45when I was growing up,
08:46which was to fill a ball,
08:48a football,
08:50up with cement, for example,
08:51you know, from somebody's garden.
08:53Oh, wow.
08:53You fill a football,
08:54and leave it outside a pub,
08:55and drunk men could not resist.
08:57Jesus!
09:00And you just can't resist a football.
09:03I've got this one, Dave!
09:05Wah!
09:06That is the...
09:07It's a hell of a practical joke,
09:09but it's...
09:09Especially if you put a goal post on the wall.
09:14Well, this is extraordinary.
09:16All I have to do is fill in the dots here.
09:18It was Lee Friedman,
09:18the University of Illinois at Chicago,
09:20who spent 14 years examining this effect,
09:22and he analysed the blood alcohol
09:23of 190,000 trauma patients.
09:27He found that, with the exception of burns,
09:29death rates from all types of traumatic injury
09:31fell as blood alcohol levels rose.
09:33Which is extraordinary, isn't it?
09:34190,000 seems like an enormous number of...
09:37It's a big cohort, as they would say, isn't it?
09:38Exactly.
09:38Which makes it quite a respected study.
09:40Amongst the extremely drunk,
09:41mortality rates were cut by nearly 50%.
09:44Gunshot and stab victims, however,
09:45showed the greatest benefit,
09:47which wouldn't be the rag doll effect,
09:48I don't suppose.
09:49There's some kind of anaesthetic element to it.
09:52There is the anaesthetic element as well,
09:53which, I suppose,
09:54makes you behave less dramatically in a way
09:56that increases blood flow.
09:58I'm bleeding, you just think, yeah.
09:59You say, oh, look at that.
10:00Oh, no.
10:03Oh.
10:04Oh.
10:05Oh.
10:06Too short!
10:09Oh, oh, oh!
10:13Oh, I bet I'd just have it short.
10:17I'm going to have to go to the hospital.
10:19It's going to be so pretty on a weekend.
10:22One more Jager bomb couldn't do any harm.
10:25What do you mean, is it going away?
10:27Yeah.
10:28Come on, let's go to the hospital.
10:30They've got a barber.
10:31They have a barber.
10:34Hopsital.
10:35I'm fine.
10:36I've been shot.
10:37I'm fine.
10:41Amongst drivers, however,
10:42you were two to four times more likely
10:44to die in a car crash,
10:45or of a car crash,
10:46as it were involved in a car crash,
10:48but I think you've covered everything quite brilliantly.
10:51There's the ragdoll effect,
10:52and there seems to be an improvement
10:53in recovery from trauma.
10:55So if you think you're going to get shot or stabbed,
10:58get drunk first.
10:59Now, you use a silver bullet for...
11:03Vampires.
11:04You could try it on a vampire.
11:05I don't think it'd do any good.
11:05It's got to be a well one.
11:06All silver does.
11:07All silver, garlic.
11:09Are we silver good for vampires?
11:09Yeah, silver's good for vampires.
11:11Are these real now?
11:11You're very knowledgeable about this.
11:13The reality of vampires.
11:15Because part of the myth was that
11:17the silver came from the coins that Judas got,
11:19do you remember?
11:19Yes, 30 pieces.
11:20The first vampire came from Judas when he was...
11:23when he hung himself off the...
11:25Did he turn into a vampire?
11:26Well, they said Judas became the first vampire,
11:29and then the silver burns them
11:31because that's what they gave Judas to betray.
11:33He got the silver pieces.
11:34So that's why it's silver for all of them,
11:36but you want a bullet for a wolf
11:37because they fast vampire.
11:40Vampires are just...
11:49vampire side of the question quite perfectly.
11:51Like a square bullet, on the other hand.
11:54These don't need to be silver.
11:56Against whom would...
11:56I think this is some...
11:58I think this is a very old gun,
12:00and I think it's something politically incorrect.
12:03Is that right?
12:04You've been...
12:05I'm going to chest my cards for your DNA and fingerprints.
12:08I'm slightly distracted,
12:09because that so looks like a woman I went out with,
12:11but erm...
12:23Every morning I'd say the word orthodontist.
12:26I don't think any man would ask for oral sex from that,
12:29particularly.
12:30I think that would be a risk.
12:32Yeah.
12:33You're right, it was designed in the early part of the 18th century.
12:36I think it was to kill Turks.
12:39Turks.
12:39But most specifically Muslims, I think.
12:41And the square bullet was to...
12:42I think show them how great Christianity was.
12:43I think that was the kind of plan behind the square bullet.
12:46There was a specific gun.
12:47It was.
12:48It was called the Puckle Gun.
12:49Puckle Gun.
12:49James Puckle.
12:50James Puckle invented it in 1718,
12:54and his idea was that you used the round bullets for Christians
12:58and the square bullets were for the Ottoman Turks.
13:01Well, it's a good idea, the square bullet,
13:02because if you drop one, it won't roll away.
13:04There is however a bad side to it.
13:06You can't rifle a square bullet,
13:08and it's the rifling that gives it accuracy through the air.
13:11Oh, so they're a bit rubbish, the square bullets.
13:11It makes it spin and go fast.
13:13Yeah, it would just go wobble, wobble, wobble, wobble.
13:16Wouldn't hit anybody.
13:17So if you were a Turk or Muslim,
13:17you'd be encouraging the square bullet.
13:19Actually, you would.
13:19I think you should definitely use the square ones, or not?
13:22Yeah, exactly.
13:22It was supposed to show the benefits of Christianity.
13:25In fact, it showed the deficiency of James Puckle's ideas
13:28of aerodynamics and rifling.
13:30You might hit a Christian.
13:31You might actually hit a Christian.
13:33It's not really right to call it the first machine gun,
13:36but it was three times faster to load and fire
13:39than the current musket.
13:41It was nine rounds a minute, which wasn't bad for 1718.
13:45It's interesting, because I guess technically the first bulletproof vests
13:50were created by the Zulus when they were fighting the British.
13:54Shaka discovered that if you dip your leather shield in water
13:58before you go into battle, then the pellets couldn't penetrate.
14:01Really?
14:02It was that?
14:02Yeah, yeah.
14:03And that's how the Zulus could kill so many,
14:07because what would happen is they only needed one bullet,
14:09and then they would advance so quickly
14:11that then they would kill five or six British people
14:14before they could reload.
14:15Do you have Zulu blood?
14:16I do.
14:18I guess, yes, because, I mean, Xhasa people are off.
14:20Oh, do that again.
14:21Yes, I'm half Xhasa.
14:22Oh, do it again.
14:23Oh, I love that.
14:24I can't do that.
14:24I love that.
14:25It's giving us an exclamation mark, isn't it?
14:27No, that's the X.
14:28So there's the three clicks.
14:29There's the X, which is the...
14:30And then there's the Q, and then there's the C,
14:33which is...
14:33So those are the three different...
14:35So that's the...
14:37You've seduced me.
14:38Oh, thank you.
14:40Not that you wanted to, I'm sure.
14:43Was it Miriam McKibble?
14:45Who's that?
14:45Yes, the click song.
14:46Yeah.
14:47It's a song.
14:56Yeah, so the...
14:57The crosshairs were technically...
14:59They were basically pacifists of the Zulus.
15:01They were, you know, they were chased out.
15:02They separated from the tribe.
15:04So they weren't as...
15:04Right.
15:05The Zulus were really our proud.
15:06In terms of military, they are our pride and joy.
15:09They are...
15:10But the Asagazes...
15:11Yeah, everything they did was revolutionary.
15:12Just like, you know, the first...
15:14They were the first ones with the shortened spear.
15:16So Shaka invented a spear that was quicker to stab with,
15:20and not as cumbersome to...
15:21Right, like a little javelin.
15:22Yes, yes, yes.
15:23Because the spear hadn't really been changed over all those years,
15:26and he...
15:26So he adapted.
15:27He changed everything.
15:28He was one of the best military...
15:30Yeah.
15:30You know, you guys, if it wasn't for the guns,
15:32you guys wouldn't be here.
15:33I know, we wouldn't have.
15:36Just do that bit of singing again.
15:38Would he?
15:38Just do that bit of singing again.
15:40Oh...
15:45See, you don't know me well, Trevor, but I'm on the turn.
15:47I'm telling you.
15:54You've only got Jason and Alan left to...
15:57to seduce, uh, Trevor.
15:59I have to say...
15:59Alan is a Kraken fella.
16:00We're all...
16:04Well, there you go.
16:05That's your man, Puckle.
16:06And again, well done, Sandy.
16:08Knowledge.
16:08Just amazing.
16:09Now, here's a killer question for you, Alan.
16:11We're both actors.
16:12Why are we so grotesquely overpaid?
16:15Market forces.
16:18We're not in charge of the distribution of wealth.
16:21Any excuse we can think of?
16:24Well, what profession within the film industry
16:27might think that they're responsible entirely
16:29for the...
16:30the way an actor conveys...
16:32Screenwriters?
16:33A screenwriter certainly has a lot...
16:34as far as the story is concerned,
16:36but they can't control, as it were,
16:38what an audience reads into an actor's eyes.
16:40So, the camera man?
16:42The editor.
16:43In a way, the editor, yeah.
16:44And in 1919, when cinema was being born,
16:47there was a filmmaker called Lev Kuleshov,
16:49and he proposed putting together a film
16:52in which you saw an actor looking at things,
16:56and you noticed that the audience read into the actor
17:00different emotions according to what they're looking at.
17:03So, yeah, it's the idea that they're looking, you know,
17:06we think, oh, they're looking melancholy
17:08because they're looking at something...
17:09Or they're looking hungry...
17:09Yeah, exactly.
17:11But the actor's actually not changed.
17:12It's exactly the same shot as the actor.
17:14Oh, okay.
17:14And that's a trick of acting, all actors know that.
17:16Yes, it's not to act.
17:17If in doubt, don't do anything at all.
17:18And directors will tell you.
17:20Milos Forman famously shouts,
17:21stop acting, somebody is acting here!
17:23There's a famous Bogart one,
17:25and at the end he looks down on some carnage,
17:29and everyone was very impressed by the emotions he portrayed,
17:32but the shot had been done much later,
17:34and the camera went down low, stood up on a balcony,
17:37and the director said, look, bored.
17:39Yes!
17:40And it works like that.
17:41And they cut it in.
17:41It's extraordinary how that is.
17:43It's the effect, it's the timing of the story,
17:45it's what the actor seems to be looking at,
17:47and it's the audience that does the work.
17:49They read the emotion into the face.
17:51Oh, that's...
17:52We've actually cut our own together.
17:54So you can see here.
17:55What's this emotion?
17:57Confusion.
17:58Oh, he's looking hard at something.
18:00Can you believe it's true?
18:05Oh, no.
18:07Arsenal have lost again.
18:13What a beautiful bike.
18:25There you are.
18:29Prove positive as if it were needed.
18:31Anyway, thanks to the Kuleshov effect,
18:34good acting, maybe just good editing.
18:37Now, Alan, be honest,
18:37have you ever enjoyed a shower in chocolate sauce?
18:45So, is this a euphemism?
18:49It emphatically is not.
18:52And everybody's to put away those thoughts.
18:55No, I've put my hand in a shot so it failed.
18:57Oh!
19:00We are almost certain you have enjoyed a shower in chocolate sauce.
19:03Oh!
19:04Oh, hello.
19:04I'm so drunk, Sandy.
19:07I suspect that most of you have not necessary overview.
19:10Sounds a niche area of interest, certainly.
19:13Well, let's think of films that have got showers in them.
19:15Psycho.
19:16Yeah.
19:17Did you enjoy it?
19:18Er, yeah.
19:19It was a good film.
19:20Yeah.
19:20And the shower scene is the pivotal scene.
19:22Oh, no.
19:22I think I know what you're going to say.
19:24It's black and white.
19:24The water doesn't read on film.
19:26The water does.
19:27No, it's the blood.
19:27The blood.
19:27The blood.
19:29Chocolate sauce.
19:30Bosco's chocolate sauce.
19:31Bosco's chocolate sauce was used for the blood.
19:34And actually, talking as we were earlier editing,
19:36one of the reasons it is the most famous scene possibly
19:39that Hitchcock directed and one of the most famous scenes
19:41in all cinema is that it contains 77 different camera angles
19:45and 50 cuts and lasts only three minutes.
19:48And I've done this.
19:49I've sat there counting the number of cuts in three minutes.
19:52Oh, you must get out, Stephen.
19:54Really?
19:55I mustn't.
19:56The films are...
19:57Sit next to you at the cinema.
19:58No, not at the cinema.
20:00Who's all Rain Man women?
20:0450 cuts there.
20:06Stop the clock.
20:07When I was a kid in the States, we used to have ice cream
20:10with Bosco chocolate sauce on it.
20:12It's fair.
20:12And you couldn't serve it without going, eh, eh, eh, eh.
20:14Oh, so you all knew?
20:15Yeah.
20:16That's right.
20:17Have you seen Psycho?
20:18I have not, no.
20:18You see your generation.
20:20You just don't go for the classics.
20:22Because it's black and white, you go...
20:24I'm waiting for it to come out on Twitter and then I'll...
20:27Exactly.
20:28The sound of the stabbing, I think, was a knife in a melon.
20:32Absolutely right.
20:33And actually, Hitchcock first wanted the scene to be just,
20:37as they say, effects.
20:38In other words, the sound of the water, the sound of the shower
20:40curtain being torn, and the sound of the knife going into the
20:44Cassandra melon.
20:45But his favourite composer who composed a lot of his films,
20:48Bernard Herrmann, wrote this astounding score with these
20:50jagged things, and begged him to listen to the version with it.
20:54And Hitchcock said, you're right.
20:56And actually doubled his pay on the movie.
20:58Hitchcock sounds like, eh, Jeremy from Top Gear.
21:04You're right.
21:06You're right.
21:07Yes.
21:08Just two seconds in and you're nursing a semi.
21:21Everybody was against him making the film.
21:23He'd just made North by Northwest one of his most lavish,
21:26colourful, beautiful, extraordinary thrillers, and he wanted
21:29to be known for a different kind of film, because he was
21:30always experimenting, always trying different things.
21:32That film is so clever, Psycho.
21:34You're with Janet Leigh all the way from the beginning.
21:38She hatches this plan, she's got this money, she's on the run.
21:40Steals 40 grand.
21:41You can't wait to see what's going to happen.
21:43And then she's gone halfway through the film.
21:45Thanks for spoiling it.
21:52Oh no.
21:53I don't feel like I have really.
21:55No, we didn't.
21:56Give him a picture of her murdered in the shower.
21:59Do you remember the last shot of the shower scene?
22:02Just to get really nerdy.
22:03Isn't it the eye and the...
22:05That's right.
22:05Her head's sideways down.
22:07All the shots are...
22:09There's no longer, it's all mid shots and mostly close-ups.
22:11And he was so concerned to get it right that there just wasn't
22:14time for her to get accustomed to these contact lenses that would
22:17give her dilated pupils, which freshly stabbed people have.
22:20apparently.
22:21And so that was the one inaccuracy he was rather annoyed with.
22:23But no one wanted to make the film.
22:25Paramount said, no, they wouldn't make it.
22:26He said, all right, then I'll make it in black and white to be
22:27cheaper.
22:28And they said, no.
22:29He said, well, I'll use my TV crew.
22:30He used the TV crew to make it, not a film crew.
22:32And one of the most successful movies of all time.
22:35He was nominated for Best Picture, Oscar.
22:37You know, and...
22:38It's worth seeing Trevor, but not with Steven.
22:40No.
22:42Sorry.
22:43I'll take you.
22:44I'll take you.
22:45I'll take you.
22:48You know, this evening has changed my life.
22:52Now, describe the curriculum at the British Hate Training Academy.
23:01Oh, dear.
23:02Watching Jeremy Kyle all day and all night.
23:05Yeah, that would be a good hate training.
23:07It would, actually, wouldn't it?
23:08I would imagine that maybe...
23:09It's very difficult to get soldiers to hate anybody.
23:13Yeah.
23:13I would imagine maybe there was some scheme to try and get them.
23:17We had hate schools.
23:18In the Second World War, we had hate schools.
23:20Has there ever been the more pointless padlock in the world?
23:29You don't get my shirts!
23:34Back off!
23:36It's a pretty astonishing look, isn't it?
23:39But, no, Sandy, you're right.
23:40There were hate schools.
23:41These medals are sticking into my chest!
23:44Oh!
23:51Oh, God!
23:54All of them are pinned to me in the chest!
23:57My hat is too small!
24:04Get me a new hat!
24:11What do you suppose the chances are of twins getting the same number of men?
24:18It's a good point!
24:20Do you know, I've gone deaf in my left ear.
24:24Back to the serious and terrible fact, is that in order, supposedly, to encourage British troops of the Second World
24:31War, we put them into rooms and showed them appalling atrocities, rotting corpses, starving people.
24:37They were then taken to slaughterhouses, where they watched sheep being killed, and they were smeared with their blood.
24:42This was common, though, wasn't it?
24:43Because they didn't say, didn't they say to the Viet Cong that the US Marines ate babies?
24:49Oh, it was certainly true that this black propaganda was given out.
24:53You know, in the First World War, the Germans raped nuns and all that.
24:56But this was actually being made to witness really awful things in order to get their blood up, was the
25:01idea.
25:02But when the papers and the public found out, there was an absolute uproar.
25:06No less a figure than the Bishop of St. Albans said the attempt to inculcate hatred in the fighting forces
25:12and civilians is doing the devil's work.
25:15And General Sir Bernard Paget, who was Commander Chief of the Home Forces, he agreed.
25:19He said that hate was foreign to British temperament, and we hate it.
25:23But it is a very serious issue. I think it was after the Second World War, they estimated only between
25:3315 and 20% of anybody in any armed force had ever fired their gun.
25:38Yeah.
25:39Because mostly people don't want to, and if they do fire their gun, they tend to try and miss.
25:44And all of us know stories of people who've survived wars, and the one thing that absolutely tears them up
25:49is the fact that they have killed someone.
25:50And the closer you are to the actual kill, in other words, if you kill somebody with a bayonet rather
25:54than you shoot them at a distance, the more likely you are to suffer trauma.
25:57The more trauma.
25:58They very famously said the most gentlemanly fighters in the wars were the air forces, because they almost had an
26:05unspoken rule that they wouldn't shoot a plane that's already going down.
26:09And you wouldn't shoot a guy in a parachute either. You would, he's down, he's out, so you wouldn't.
26:13Never do that. And if it was a good fight, and you respected them and they were going down, they
26:18would do a little wingtip salute as they flew away.
26:20from them, which is just ridiculous.
26:21Yeah, that would be like, ah, now that's nice.
26:29Oh, it's really good.
26:35Anyway, the fact is why they stopped them, not because of public outrage, because it didn't work.
26:39The effect it had on soldiers was it depressed them.
26:42It's interesting because the Germans, instead of, I guess, showing videos of the opposing side to get the soldiers desensitized,
26:49they famously made them kill their dogs.
26:51I don't know if you remember, not remember it like you were there, but I mean, if you remember stories
26:55where they would say they would have a dog, a puppy to raise their whole lives.
26:59And then when the, when they graduated from training, then the last assignment was to kill the dog, which you
27:04obviously have gone to.
27:05The accessory, wasn't it?
27:06Yeah, that was the accessory.
27:06That must be an absolute, yeah, that's unspeakably brutal to ask someone to shoot a puppy or a dog.
27:14Anyway, which is most dangerous?
27:18A thousand bananas, half a litre of wine, 1.4 cigarettes, or two days in New York?
27:26You could fall on quite a lot of those bananas.
27:29You could.
27:30All spiders inside.
27:32Yes, they could have a trencher inside, yeah, yeah.
27:34But they're all quite dangerous, I suppose.
27:36In fact, we know that they're all equally dangerous.
27:40Oh.
27:40And how can we know that?
27:41Is there a scale of dangerousness-ness-ness-ness-ness-ness?
27:46It was the banana cigarette New York scale that they generally use.
27:49That's the scale.
27:51That's the scale.
27:52Is it about toxins that you absorb or take in?
27:55Well, it is a professor from Stanford called Ronald Howard, as long as it's not the guy who was in
28:00Happy Days, and directed Apollo 13.
28:03It was in 1968, he developed the micromort.
28:07And a micromort is a one-in-a-million chance of death.
28:11So, the higher the risk, the more micromorts, obviously.
28:13So, if a million outings on a hang glider result in eight deaths, then there's a fatal risk of eight
28:21micromorts attached to hang gliding.
28:23So, how many micromorts in a banana?
28:25Well, I'll tell you.
28:26If you take the normal background risk in the UK, it's actually 41.6 micromorts.
28:32So, the chances of sudden death in Britain from leading a normal life are about four in a hundred thousand.
28:38What four people die unexpectedly from eating a banana?
28:41No, no.
28:42Just, that's background.
28:43This is just background.
28:44We're not coming to the bananas yet.
28:45Oh, sorry.
28:46I'm...
28:46Yeah.
28:47I'm overexcited.
28:48Yeah.
28:50Your ordinary risk...
28:52Yes.
28:52...of dying suddenly is four in a hundred thousand.
28:55I've got it now.
28:55Right.
28:56But, activities that...
28:58Activities that raise the level of risk...
29:02Have you done suddenly?
29:03I died suddenly.
29:04There you are.
29:05Activities that raise the level of risk from 41.6 micromorts, which is the average risk we all share,
29:10by one micromort alone, are smoking 1.4 cigarettes yourself, living for two months with someone else who smokes,
29:19half a litre of wine...
29:20Not doing a wee when you really need one.
29:24A thousand bananas is actually because they're radioactivity.
29:27What?
29:27They do contain a lot of...
29:28Oh, yes.
29:29They are faintly radioactive.
29:30Wow.
29:31Very faintly.
29:3140 tablespoons of peanut butter.
29:34So, I'm sorry.
29:34I'm still on the bananas.
29:36Yes.
29:36You have to...
29:38You have to eat a thousand bananas?
29:41If you ate a thousand bananas?
29:42No.
29:43Not necessarily all at once, because that would kill you straight away.
29:45Honestly.
29:46Yes.
29:47The point is, every thousand bananas you eat...
29:50Yes.
29:51...your chances of sudden death increase by one micromort.
29:54What is the matter with scientists?
29:56Who?
29:56Who is going to eat a thousand bananas?
29:58Why would you eat a thousand bananas?
30:00Yeah, you don't know.
30:01Maybe.
30:01For your last time, I've eaten a thousand bananas.
30:03Yeah, I reckon a better.
30:03So, should you be counting how many bananas you've had to know?
30:06It's only one micromort of one in a million chance.
30:09But how does the thousandth banana kill you?
30:10Because of the level of...
30:14Oh, God.
30:17Every thousand you eat, you've already got 41.6 micromort.
30:21I feel unwell.
30:23LAUGHTER
30:25I'll give you a book to read afterwards.
30:27Thank you, Tom.
30:28It takes too long.
30:29Have a cigarette with a glass of wine and a banana split.
30:33Fuck you, world!
30:41All of these...
30:44Increase your...
30:45They're such tiny margins, that's all.
30:47I'm going down.
30:50My headmistress at boarding school was always in a terrible panic about fruit.
30:54Fruit?
30:55Fruit, yes.
30:55She found that...
31:00She was...
31:01She spent hours teaching us how to eat a banana correctly.
31:05Because of the manners.
31:06And she...
31:06I remember her saying...
31:07We mustn't make the cheeks...
31:10You don't...
31:11You don't do this, either.
31:13LAUGHTER
31:22So, she didn't like...
31:24She taught you how to eat a banana?
31:24No, she was very worried about them.
31:25I remember saying...
31:26Because she'd spent a long time on bananas.
31:27And I said, well, how do you eat an orange?
31:29And she looked over the top of her glasses and said,
31:30no young woman should ever embark upon an orange.
31:35Wise words.
31:36Scuba diving adds five micromorts to background levels.
31:40Taking heroin adds 30.
31:41A night in hospital adds 75.
31:44Just one night in hospital.
31:45Wow.
31:45But giving birth raises the risk to 80 micromorts.
31:48So it's double the...
31:49The background.
31:50So if you're feeling ill,
31:51you'd be better off taking a bit of heroin than going to the hospital.
31:57You know that a night in hospital can be rather pendulous.
31:59Obviously.
32:00I hear the myth...
32:00Is it a myth that heroin is the only thing in the world that cures a cold?
32:04I don't know.
32:05I feel like a myth.
32:06I feel like a myth.
32:08I think the guy underneath the...
32:09Probably the guy trying to sell me some heroin.
32:10Exactly.
32:11Is that an aid clinic in Manchester?
32:13Yeah.
32:13It cures a cold.
32:15Yeah, it cures a cold.
32:16Yeah, it cures a cold.
32:17Do you know the Irish cure for a cold?
32:20My dad always used to say,
32:21what you do is you get into bed with a hat and a bottle of whisky
32:24and you put the hat on the end left bedpost
32:27and then you drink until you can see it on the right.
32:31That's brilliant.
32:33Absolutely superb.
32:35There's one man in micro malts we don't know is Yasuhiro Kubo.
32:39And he's a Japanese skydiver who jumps out of a plane without a parachute
32:44and then collects it from a partner on the way down.
32:47And we don't know he's micro malts because he's still alive
32:50and it may be that he'll do 4,000 jumps and then die.
32:54It'd be a good dumb show.
32:55You could see if you see them falling and then he goes over to the boat
32:59who gets the parachute and you see the bloke go...
33:04I knew there was something.
33:13Oh that is so distressing.
33:16Anyway.
33:18Now what can we do to stop the killer robots?
33:22Oh.
33:23You may say that's a silly robot.
33:25Go upstairs.
33:25Don't go upstairs.
33:27The Daleks have shown that doesn't work now.
33:29They can hover.
33:29There's a robot wars one.
33:31Yes, robot wars.
33:33It's about legislation isn't it?
33:34Are they not trying to legislate against these?
33:36Well they are indeed.
33:37There's a global campaign led by a group of academics
33:39and Nobel Peace Prize winners who see a very real threat.
33:42And they're not wrong.
33:42Look at the development of drones in the American army.
33:45Robotic killing machines are very close indeed.
33:49And yet...
33:50And the drone...
33:50But the thing about the drone is that the drone has a human,
33:52as it were, in the loop.
33:53Yeah.
33:54But I think the thing with these,
33:55with the idea with the killer robots is that there's no human...
33:58That's the idea.
33:58In the loop.
33:59Yeah, it's Dr. Noel Sharkey,
34:01Professor of Computer Science at Sheffield,
34:02who was in fact the consultant on...
34:04and appeared on Robot Wars.
34:06Do you remember that 90s TV show?
34:09Did you have such a thing in South African television?
34:11I think we got...
34:12We might have gotten your Robot Wars.
34:13We had none, so...
34:15I was very astonished when I first went to South Africa
34:17and I was in Cape Town asking for directions.
34:20And they said,
34:22Yeah, turn right at the third robot.
34:24Oh yeah, we said...
34:25And I said, what?
34:26We call traffic...
34:27We call them robots.
34:28We call them traffic lights robots.
34:30They call them robots.
34:30We have a very low bar.
34:34Just for the...
34:36These are the same guys who invented apartheid.
34:38So I mean, if you look at the...
34:41They were impressed.
34:42They were impressed.
34:43Or even more shocking was when I was filming that
34:46and it was incredibly hot
34:48and someone asked me if I wanted some arse cream.
34:52Said, do you want some arse cream?
34:55And I realised they were saying ice cream, of course.
34:59Chocolate arse cream.
35:00Chocolate arse cream.
35:01Chocolate arse cream.
35:01Oh dear, oh dear.
35:04You just always go that bit too far.
35:08Yes, he does, doesn't he? I know.
35:10And presumably the robots, they're not covered by the Geneva Convention in any way.
35:14That's the problem.
35:14They're not regulated, as I say.
35:16That is the real issue.
35:17Do you not think we're slowly just going towards a video game?
35:21That's what we're building towards.
35:22Trevor, guess who the US Army is recruiting right as we speak?
35:26Guys, if you play video games, they say you're at least 50% better
35:29than just an average recruiter of the streets.
35:31They're the ones they're hiring for...
35:33But what I'm saying is if we get to a point where we're fighting the things
35:35only on video games...
35:36Farting.
35:37Farting, you said it.
35:38Yeah.
35:38Yeah.
35:39But that's what you do in war.
35:41You can't control yourself and you just...
35:43This is...
35:44I don't know how you fight, Stephen, but that's how we...
35:47Surely that the really civil thing would be to not have fighting at all.
35:51You have a game of Twister.
35:52That's just ridiculous, how you settle things.
35:55So, Vladimir Putin and...
35:58Yes, or Risk, or Scrabble.
35:59Lovely.
36:00Lovely game.
36:00I don't think Vladimir Putin versus Obama and Scrabble would be quite good.
36:06Anyway, killer robots don't exist yet, but now might be a good time to make sure they never do.
36:12So, here are some killers, but what do they prey on?
36:15I'll perhaps give you a clue, if you don't know its name.
36:19Seafood, that's a seal.
36:20It is, it's called the crab-eater seal.
36:22It is fish.
36:23It is fish.
36:24Yeah.
36:25Yes?
36:27Crab.
36:28Oh!
36:30Just get it out of the way.
36:34Just so we could all move on and find out what a real answer is.
36:38If we show you its teeth more close up, you might get a sense of it.
36:41It's pretty...
36:43Ooh.
36:44That's weird.
36:44Why would you have teeth like that?
36:46To be on a show like this?
36:49It's the sieve.
36:50It's like a balian plate in a whale.
36:52It sieves out all the bigger things, so it actually just has, like a whale, krill.
36:57Yeah, krill.
36:57Krill, yeah.
36:58Just eats krill.
36:59And our next contender is...
37:03Oh, I see.
37:04Yes.
37:05That's called the Bagheera Kittlingi spider.
37:08Does that ring a bell?
37:09They kill tigers, don't they?
37:12Well, Bagheera is the Hindi for tiger, and Bagheera is the jungle book.
37:17Is in the jungle book, and he's a panther.
37:19Is in the panther?
37:30No.
37:46No.
37:47No.
37:48No.
37:48They're exceedingly good.
37:49Don't you know?
37:52That's right.
37:53That's right.
37:53That's right.
37:53You're looking poor fellow.
37:54He's so baffling.
37:56But anyway...
37:56Do you think the spider looks like he's supposed to be cute for the photograph?
37:59He does, as he's posing.
38:00Hi.
38:00Hiya.
38:01Spiders are known to be feeders on what?
38:04Flies.
38:05Flies.
38:05They're known to be carnivorous.
38:06But this is the only vegetarian spider on earth.
38:10Well, no wonder he's cute.
38:12Yeah.
38:12Exactly.
38:13They actually go out of their way to avoid rather nasty looking ants and hide round corners
38:17until they can get to their staple food, which is the buds of acacia trees.
38:21That's hilarious.
38:22They're the laughingstock of the spider community.
38:24They are.
38:25They call yourself a spider, you're a disgrace.
38:28Yes.
38:30Occasionally, to be fair, we'll eat meat.
38:31It's a bit like, ah, I don't know, the Spectacle Bell.
38:34We'll be known to eat, you know, a kebab on the way home.
38:37Yes.
38:39You can't resist it.
38:42Ow.
38:43It's ever came back.
38:43Would you like to see a great tit?
38:44Would you like to see a great tit?
38:45Always.
38:46Oh, there you go.
38:47That's a great tit.
38:48Oh, great.
38:48That's a good picture.
38:49It's a lovely picture.
38:50It's a great tit, isn't it?
38:51They mostly eat...
38:53Insects?
38:53Yes, caterpillars in particular.
38:55They're very fond of a good juicy caterpillar, which is, of course, part of a cycle of an insect.
38:59And in Hungary, something very astonishing has been observed of great tits.
39:03They eat gulesh.
39:05They have been observed, possibly because of lack of caterpillars in Hungary.
39:09Eating tits?
39:10No, they've been rather gross, actually.
39:12They've been eating roosting bats.
39:14Oh.
39:14They've been eating the entire innards and brains and scooping out every part of a sleeping
39:18bat, which is really quite...
39:20That's a lovely story.
39:21Isn't it?
39:22It's quite a move for a great tit.
39:24And we come, finally, to this chap.
39:27Ooh, piranha.
39:28Is that a...
39:28It looks like a piranha.
39:29It's a distant relative, though it lives in a completely different part of the world.
39:32It lives in Papua New Guinea.
39:33And it's known as a paku fish, but has a nickname, which might give you a hint.
39:37The teeth it has, designed to deal with its main food source, which are seeds and nuts,
39:41which fall down from trees above, which quite a lot of fish do, but...
39:45But, if you happen to be swimming naked, as many of Papua New Guinea might...
39:49It...
39:50It...
39:50It is fully deserves its nickname, the ball cutter fish.
39:53Wow!
39:55There are at least two recorded examples of people dying from castration.
40:01Does that count as a background mort?
40:04Yes, that's definitely...
40:05That's definitely a micro mort.
40:06Do you know what you can tell as the screams get higher and higher?
40:10Until they're beyond the range of human hearing.
40:12So, they're pretty nasty.
40:13But, what's the worst thing a swan can do to you?
40:16Now, you can famously break a child's arm.
40:18Yes.
40:22There is no recorded example ever.
40:25They have hollow bones, and the chances are they would break their own wings,
40:28if they attempted to swipe hard on a human.
40:31Oh, I've been cautious of them.
40:33Well, they're aggressive.
40:34They'll chase after you, and I dare say, if anyone rings in and says,
40:38I know someone who claims their arm was broken, the chances are almost certain.
40:41The school liar.
40:42Well, not if they were the school liar.
40:44Well, they'll run it away and fell.
40:45They might want to fall in a...
40:47Exactly.
40:47Where's that place where the...
40:49the swan goes and rings a bell?
40:51Fairyland.
40:52No, no.
40:53Is that a shirt in the audience saying?
40:55Wells, isn't it?
40:55Wells in Somerset.
40:56Wells in Somerset.
40:58In Wells in Somerset, there's a bell on the outside,
40:59and the swans have learnt to go and ring the bell, and then they get fed.
41:02Oh, that's a mother.
41:04Pavlovian swans.
41:04And if you don't feed them, they break your arm.
41:06LAUGHTER
41:09Yeah, absolutely right.
41:10I mean, you're absolutely wrong.
41:11Everyone else is marvellously right in all kinds of ways.
41:13They are very aggressive.
41:15They can't break your arm, so there.
41:17And now it's time for one of my knick-knacks.
41:19Crikey!
41:20How did that get there?
41:23LAUGHTER
41:26APPLAUSE
41:31What a marvellous outing for the word crikey.
41:34LAUGHTER
41:35I'm going to demonstrate to you how a chain reaction takes place.
41:38Imagine these are little atoms.
41:40And what I have is a series of mousetraps...
41:45Oh!
41:45Mousetraps used for, obviously, killing...
41:48MICE!
41:49And, fortunately, no mice will be harmed in this experiment.
41:53All you will see is the spectacular site of random and explosive chain reaction
41:59caused by one atom touching another, which are all...
42:03Ball number 16, the eighth appearance this year.
42:05Yes!
42:07LAUGHTER
42:07So, are you ready?
42:09Yes!
42:10Here we go.
42:14APPLAUSE
42:16Oh, that's just a slap for each other.
42:20APPLAUSE
42:26On that nuclear bombshell, we reach the final curtain.
42:30It's time for the scores.
42:32And how fascinating they are.
42:34Way out in front, as you might imagine, with their astonishing knowledge,
42:38is Sandy Toxic on 14 points.
42:41APPLAUSE
42:45Point-wise, one of the greatest debuts of all time, Trevor Noah has plus nine.
42:50APPLAUSE
42:53And in third place with minus six, Jason Manfred.
42:57Oh, no, no, no.
42:58I'll say it now.
43:01Follow me astonished in last place, but with a deeply encouraging minus 28, Alan Davis!
43:10APPLAUSE
43:16And it only remains for me to thank Trevor, Jason, Sandy and Alan.
43:20Good night!
43:21APPLAUSE
43:22At this moment, I came to mind with a few more people.
43:22And you are...
43:22You could be so young.
43:22You are not...
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