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00:00Shorty West, Shorty West
00:04There's a girl who's hunting away
00:08Oh, so bad, and that game
00:12Shorty West, Shorty
00:16Shorty, Shorty
00:19Shorty, Shorty, Shorty
00:21Shorty West, Shorty West
00:33The cruise ship Galaxy is in the Western Caribbean
00:36on another seven-day tropical cruise.
00:38And in the massive theatre, Yorkshire singer Jane MacDonald
00:41is busy rehearsing her show.
00:44Jane's been fighting terrible stage fright for weeks now,
00:47and her confidence is still shaky.
00:49Performing on a cruise ship can be an unforgiving experience.
00:53The passengers expect nothing but the best every time.
01:05And this week, there are 2,000 new passengers lapping up the sun,
01:09and of course gobbling up the food.
01:11Foods available 24 hours a day,
01:14anywhere from five-star restaurants serving the best French cuisine,
01:18pool-deck grills churning out hot dogs, hamburgers and pizzas,
01:21and numerous cafes and bars.
01:24No stomach is uncatered for.
01:26And for good measure,
01:28there's even lessons in how to fold your dinnertime napkins
01:30in a thousand different ways.
01:32Isn't that nice?
01:33On a luxury cruise ship, all the time is mealtime.
01:49As we crawl across this ocean, metaphorically speaking,
01:53we're just a cockroach crawling on the ceiling of some fish's living room,
01:58completely oblivious to the fact that inside this giant tonnage
02:01of metal and human waste and debauchery
02:05is just millions of people's lives brought together for a seven-day experience,
02:10and we are the court jesters of this kingdom.
02:15Yeah, it's like Rome.
02:17That's something to think about.
02:18Rome on the water, you know.
02:19It is definitely a Caligula moment.
02:21The Roman Empire at sea.
02:22Yes, it's definitely debauchery.
02:25It's excess in its finest form.
02:28All these people and all their...
02:30Money!
02:32You're simply the best.
02:36You're better than all the rest.
02:40You're better than anyone.
02:45Anyone I've ever met.
02:47Where else are you ever going to perform a show
02:49and then live with your audience the rest of the week?
02:54Therein lies the rub.
02:56Because any other gig, you can go out there
02:58and throw out a bunch of zingers and one-liners,
03:00and you leave through the back door,
03:03and you're on your way home.
03:04You stop off, get a couple of burgers with your friends,
03:06and you never see those people again.
03:08Out here, say you say the wrong politically incorrect line,
03:12and then they are having a great cruise
03:14until you walk by and make eye contact with them.
03:17Oh, I was having a great time with Judy.
03:19Oh, there's a jugular.
03:21And then so she says...
03:23That's the kind of thing that happens.
03:25They scowl.
03:25They take time out, and they practice and rehearse
03:28this certain scowl as if they didn't like your act.
03:31They have this...
03:32They have it...
03:32I think they have like a...
03:34Learn to scowl with your hostess at 2.
03:36It's in the program, I think.
03:37What a day this has been
03:40What a red and blue diamond
03:43Why, it's almost like being in love
03:48There's a smile on my face
03:51For the home you will raise
03:54Why, it's almost like being in love
04:01Almost like being in love
04:06Almost like being in love
04:07Almost like being in love
04:12Can I?
04:13Fine.
04:13Are we on rainbow?
04:15Yeah, we're okay on rainbow.
04:20Good evening ladies and gentlemen
04:21And welcome to our home of excellent entertainment
04:25The Celebrity Theater
04:27One, two, one, two, three!
04:34Where tonight it's an out of music and laughter
04:37Gotta go now
04:39Am I coming through good?
04:41I don't know if I'm gonna sound good or not
04:42I've had lousy sound all week
04:44I got a million dollars worth of technology
04:46Just in that video screen
04:47That they can't make my mark before war
04:49Sad state of affairs
04:51And two pairs of very sure hands
04:54Not that the sound crew is bad
04:56Because there are sound crews of every rank
04:58And these guys are the rankest
05:00Let me tell you that right now
05:01Ladies and gentlemen
05:03The dynamic duo
05:04Won't you please welcome
05:05Here I go
05:06La la la la la la la la la la la la la la
05:12Well, I can confidently tell you, people
05:15We are on the classiest cruise ship in the world
05:17Oh yeah
05:20I'm always a little bit nervous before, you know
05:22When it's just you out there
05:23There's a big, big difference
05:25All artists are the most insecure people you've ever met
05:28because we've got to, we've got to go on stage in front of thousands of people
05:32like you've seen here, there's 2,000 people on this ship
05:35and you've got to go out and you've got to touch everyone in some way
05:39and it's the most difficult thing to do
05:41and not everybody's going to like it, you know, there's people who are going to think
05:45and this is what you've got to live with
05:49but you've just got to, for that one person who does think you're absolutely brilliant, it's worth it
05:54The up to the shoulders mount, the up to the shoulders mount
05:57Ready, ho, ho, hey, ho, ho, ho, hey
06:04Shut up, hey, thank you
06:09Yes, please, please, be seated
06:12You've got to be confident enough to go out there
06:14I know I've got the, I know I've got a voice
06:17I won't say it's the best voice in the world
06:18but, you know, I can kick out a tune
06:24so, and I'm very dramatic
06:25and I love people
06:26I actually love, I love people
06:28You know, I really, really do
06:30But this next maneuver we're going to work on is something we're very proud of
06:34Yes
06:34It's a personal best, am I right, Dave?
06:36That's right, we're going to pass seven flaming torches
06:38Now, we do this different than other jugglers
06:41We drop a lot
06:42It's true
06:43Keep in mind, we will be passing seven torches dipped in gas
06:47In a sense, we'll be passing gas for your entertainment
06:51That's right
06:52Now
06:53It's a gift
06:54It's a gift to be able to sing
06:56The amount of people who say to you
06:58Oh, God, I'd do anything to be able to sing
07:01So, you've got to share this
07:03You know, it's not something you can keep just for the shower
07:06At this point, I'm going to ask my partner, David
07:10To go into a four-torch juggle
07:12Go ahead, ask
07:15Will you juggle four?
07:17I don't think so, Sean
07:21One, two
07:23Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a round of applause for Dave Gregory
07:25Yeah, that's my partner, Dave, there
07:27Yeah
07:28Okay
07:29No ordinary stuff, here
07:31Okay, be careful back there, Sean
07:32Don't worry, I'll do it
07:33Oh, my God
07:34Whoa, man, I'm okay
07:36Are you okay?
07:37Yes, I'm sure you can do it
07:40I'm all right, don't worry about me
07:41Sean, are you sure?
07:42Just do this thing and get out of here
07:44All right, okay, hurry up
07:45Here we go
07:47Jugglers are on now
07:48Then it's the orchestra
07:50And then it's me
07:51Oh
07:59Yeah
07:59Yeah
08:01Seven torches, ladies and gentlemen
08:03Folks, I want to thank you all
08:04You've been a great crowd
08:05Enjoy your cruise
08:06I'm Sean
08:06I'm Dave
08:07Thanks for God bless
08:08You love me
08:09Thanks for watching
08:11Is it this way?
08:12Yeah
08:17And now to help put you in the mood
08:19Won't you share a round of applause
08:21With the Celebrity Orchestra
08:53Hello, love
08:53Down there
08:53Let me just check
08:54Do you really go on?
08:55Yeah
08:56With your hair looking like that?
08:57Yeah
08:57Don't worry
09:00I can't book this on
09:03Need some help?
09:04Yeah
09:05Okay, I'll find somebody to help you then
09:06Come on
09:08Always got to do everything around here
09:12Ladies and gentlemen
09:13In the Celebrity Theater right now
09:15The wonderful Jane McDonald
09:17Is about to sing for your delight
09:19Alternatively, up on the pool deck
09:20We have Island Night
09:22Caribbean Food
09:23And Caribbean Rhythms
09:24Till the Small Hours
09:26Enjoy
09:31She recently had a number two hit
09:35In the Billboard chart
09:36Everybody's walking out
09:39She's going out in jokes
09:40Won't you please welcome the voice
09:42And personality of Miss Jane McDonald
09:45One, two, three, four
09:51When I was a little girl
09:54I had a rag doll
09:56Put your hands together
09:58As we introduce to you
09:59The maitre-lis
10:15I'm stuck on your heart
10:19I had on every word you say
10:22Tell the heart
10:25Yeah
10:26Yeah
10:43Good evening, everyone
10:45How's everybody doing out there?
10:47Hello?
10:49Hello?
10:50That's it. You must talk to me. You must talk to me.
10:52There's only a few of us, but we're quality.
10:56We are quality in here tonight.
11:33Good night, ladies and gentlemen.
11:46I don't think we're doing anything wrong. I just think it's an idea.
11:49We're not doing anything wrong.
11:51Believe me, believe me.
11:52This week we're going to hit tents.
11:53I just wish I could make them glue to the seats.
11:56I don't know.
11:57Don't even do that. Don't do that.
11:59It's just one of those nights.
12:00Trust me, we're not doing anything wrong.
12:18What a night that was.
12:20Sometimes I come off and I wonder, you know, what do they want?
12:24But I just don't know.
12:26I just couldn't seem to get that tonight.
12:30I was out there doing my best and I thought, what am I doing wrong?
12:33What are the telltale signs of an audience when you feel that you've lost some of it?
12:37Well, when they all walk out.
12:41Someone who did that, didn't they?
12:43Well, yeah, because there was, I mean, I'm saying they probably couldn't stand my singing.
12:46But no, because a lot of people came in to see me as well.
12:50But you can't win them all.
12:51You can't win them all.
12:54You're a bit down tonight.
12:55Yeah, I am.
12:56You know, because I want to be, I want to be the best at what I do.
13:01And it's, it's, I'm still learning.
13:04I'm still learning every day.
13:06And I'm determined I'm going to be the best that I can possibly be.
13:10But by God, you have to take some knocks on the way.
13:13You know, but let's just see what happens.
13:16I'm not going to give it up.
13:17I'm going to make it.
13:18I'm going to get there.
13:19I really am.
13:21I'm going to do it.
13:29Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
13:31I hope you're enjoying your day at sea in this barmy Caribbean sunshine.
13:34I just want to remind you that later tonight, we invite you to Le Grand Buffet,
13:39the culinary highlight of the week, not to be missed.
13:41Unless, of course, you want to enjoy gravitational comedians,
13:45Sean and Dave, and the beautiful voice of Mr. Mark Preston.
13:48Performing tonight in the Celebrity Theater with a guest appearance
13:52of the entrancing Miss Jane McDonald.
13:54Enjoy.
13:56Well, another day at sea.
13:58Hey.
13:59Another day in paradise.
14:01Absolutely.
14:02Cheers.
14:02Too much paradise.
14:04Cheers, y'all.
14:05Cheers, y'all.
14:06The healthy one over there.
14:08Yeah, he's on the one with the show tonight.
14:10Yeah, I've got a show.
14:11I'm not that healthy.
14:12Come on.
14:12Where's your water?
14:13Keep hydrating, love.
14:14You can get just as drunk on water as you can on Lent.
14:17All right.
14:22All right.
14:23That's the wonderful part about being on the cruise ship.
14:25What?
14:26It's eating and drinking consistently.
14:30And you don't do that on Lent.
14:31No.
14:32The problem is, we all meet and we say, I'll meet you for coffee.
14:35And it never ends.
14:36And then it turns into...
14:38Dinner.
14:38Dinner.
14:39Then along comes one of those little guys with those little weird hoo-hoo cakes, little chocolate.
14:42That's true.
14:43There's always food.
14:54For all intents and purposes, we are second to the food.
14:58Remember that.
14:59Absolutely.
15:00We are.
15:00Unfortunately.
15:01Because there's a ship being run here.
15:02Then there's a hotel being run here.
15:04And then there's this tiny little department called entertainment.
15:07Entertainment.
15:08People see so much entertainment on TV.
15:10Oh.
15:11But they don't see food like they do here.
15:15Or eat food like they do on the ship.
15:17You're right.
15:18So they'd rather go and see the food than they would sit through a show.
15:27There's nothing worse than it's like the cattle, which is why we're going to call them politely,
15:33the masses.
15:35They will be in the middle of your show.
15:37And they'll all get that like, you know, like when a herd of bovine get the scent of the hay.
15:42Like one of them will be watching the show and one of them will go.
15:46And they all just stampede out.
15:50And they just start herding toward the food.
15:54You know, like little bells.
15:55Have you ever thought about playing at the buffet?
15:57Yeah.
15:58A lot of it, Andre.
15:58Yeah.
15:59I just want to go up to one of those big giant lard or butter anchored like things of scumpt
16:04juice they make.
16:05And just lick it like a cow.
16:07Just get that look on your face like.
16:09I like when the only way you know what you're eating is when they have the turkey carved
16:13and like vegetable going.
16:16And you're like, it's turkey.
16:18It's turkey, man.
16:19It's turkey.
16:20Get some.
16:21And then you have the pig.
16:22The pig, yeah, yeah.
16:24Like made out of like a squash.
16:27It's pork.
16:29Yeah, it's pork.
16:29Great.
16:31And then the little kid four-year-old goes, Mom, that looks just like you.
16:37Shut up.
16:38She's going, what are you talking about?
16:40I don't know, what are you talking about?
16:42This is unrepeatable.
16:43Listen, before we go any further, I am not with these people.
16:46Yeah, right.
16:47It has.
16:48She's at a whole new level below us.
16:50Yeah.
16:50Dead right.
16:51Way under.
16:52Absolutely.
17:00Are you buying this round now, Jane?
17:03I insist.
17:04I insist you buy this round.
17:05No, no, I'll get it.
17:06I'm leaving now anyway.
17:07I'm rehearsing with Matt Preston's duet for tonight.
17:10I'll take off today.
17:11See you.
17:11See you later.
17:12Bye.
17:12Bye.
17:15Letting your pants grow off.
17:17Bye.
17:17Have lots of fun.
17:18Oh, look how beautiful it is outside.
17:21In the next couple of hours.
17:23It's stunning outside.
17:24It's just so purple and orange.
17:26What's the difference between purple and pink?
17:29The gray.
17:32Stop.
17:34I love that.
17:36Love be a lady.
17:43Love be a lady.
17:48Tonight.
18:00In my contract they tell me not to do anything about race, religion,
18:06politics, gender, weight.
18:09There goes your ass.
18:09There goes your entire show.
18:10And so they want us to walk this fine line.
18:13And especially this week with all these born-again Christians on.
18:15Yeah, we got it.
18:16We got it.
18:16So I can't say anything to do with anything that can be considered possibly,
18:21you know, religious.
18:23Oh, my God.
18:26What are you worried about?
18:29Merci beaucoup.
18:30Your weapon.
18:31Now tonight, Mike, where do you want her?
18:35And I want to do this new line I wrote.
18:37I wrote this new line that says,
18:38I'm born again.
18:39By cesarean.
18:40I think that would be a great line.
18:42But they won't let me.
18:44A liar.
18:45But you know the funny thing is,
18:46is if I think about it like this now and get it out now,
18:48then I won't do it.
18:49But if I try to repress it, boom, it'll come right out.
18:51Then it comes out.
18:51It comes right out.
18:52I've seen you, you know.
18:54We'll live for the future.
18:57We'll live for the future.
19:00We've learned from the past.
19:02We've learned from the past.
19:05No matter how hard we try,
19:10some good things never last.
19:27It's time now for something truly dangerous.
19:30This is the French pirouette of death.
19:33The French pirouette of death.
19:35Yes.
19:36What I will do is throw the knives up into triple spins,
19:39turn a pirouette, then catch the handles.
19:42Yes.
19:43Yeah.
19:44Now, this is very dangerous.
19:46I request complete silence, please.
19:52I see what you're meaning.
19:54Baby.
19:55Baby.
19:58I love women.
20:03I do need complete silence for this.
20:09What's that?
20:11Heavy symbolism.
20:13I don't need this guy.
20:15All right.
20:19Wait, wait.
20:20Hold it.
20:20Wait.
20:20I'm okay.
20:24No need to worry.
20:25Landed a good 10 feet away from me.
20:27All right.
20:28Don't forget, Mark.
20:29We're on stage in an hour.
20:30I'm going to skip the starter.
20:34Just the salad and entree?
20:36Yeah.
20:37Really?
20:38Is that all you're having?
20:39Yeah.
20:39I'll have one of each.
20:40Thank you very much.
20:41No.
20:45Don't skip on a pate.
20:53Yeah.
20:54Yeah.
20:55Feel the power.
20:56Yeah.
20:59Yeah.
21:00Yeah.
21:01Good morning and gentlemen.
21:02It's Sean and Dave.
21:06And may we thank you for being a marvelous, marvelous audience tonight.
21:10There is more coming up this grand evening at sea.
21:14Ladies and gentlemen, Le Grand Buffet Magnifique will be in the Orion restaurant.
21:18If you're still a little bit hungry after eating all day long, bring your cameras.
21:22It'll start at the hour of 12 o'clock.
21:24Also this evening, we're going to enjoy the talents of Mr. Mark Preston.
21:27Jane McDonald will make an appearance.
21:29Put this coming up.
21:30Ladies and gentlemen, one of the world's finest.
21:32Won't you please welcome Mr. Doug Cameron.
21:41You know our buddy Fred got Cam from a gig for putting something between his legs like
21:47that.
21:47As silly as it sounds.
21:48And I know there's this huge group of Christians on board and I don't want to like offend anyone
21:52with anything stupid.
21:54Okay.
21:54It's just, you know.
21:55But the Christians are-
21:56I have a reason for everything I do.
21:58It's just, what I'll do is just put them on the trunk or something.
22:01And Henrik, my boyfriend, he's still getting used to the show of his life.
22:04He's a marine engineer.
22:06He's finding he's been propelled into this life as well.
22:09And at first he didn't want anything to do with it.
22:12But now he's just got my best interests at heart, of course.
22:15And he's stepping in a little bit now, which I'm really appreciating.
22:20I was scared to death that you would do the, uh, the Jesus love you.
22:24I'm not going to do it.
22:25I told you three or four times today I was going to do it.
22:27I know.
22:28But you told me multiple times that you won't do a line and then you do it.
22:32I just wanted to avoid the whole thing so that that wouldn't happen.
22:35That's what I like about Henrik, he'd never seen me sing.
22:38We got together before he'd actually seen me sing.
22:41Oh good, so he met you before you were a performer.
22:43Yeah.
22:44Excellent.
22:45So, um...
22:46That's lovely.
22:46This is really nice.
22:47Yeah, except he got you and I didn't.
22:49Oh, bless Mark.
22:50Thank you very much.
22:51Chasing you for three years.
22:53All right, go away, go away.
22:54What is that bug flying around my head?
22:56Oh, that's Mark Preston.
23:06That's like a term that they use.
23:08Jesus loves you is a born-again Christian term.
23:11We always do.
23:11I'm not going to say Jesus loves you.
23:12I guarantee you.
23:13I swear to God.
23:14I swear to God.
23:15No, but that's what you said about that one line last time about...
23:18What?
23:18I just, I wanted to just as a safety valve to make sure that you don't slip and say it.
23:23But they're not even in this show.
23:23Because sometimes you change your mind at the last minute.
23:25They're not even in this show.
23:26But if I told you four or five times I wasn't going to do it, you shouldn't be...
23:29You're right.
23:30You're right.
23:31I'm, you know, I just want to discuss it later, please.
23:33Because it's...
23:34So the whole show was basically you were thinking about Jesus loves you is what you're saying?
23:38Just drop it.
23:39You know what you're doing.
23:41You're trying to pull my strings.
23:42I'm not going to buy it.
23:43I'm just not going to buy into it.
23:48I just, I get so tired of doctoring the act.
23:53You know?
23:57I want to play the top.
23:58You know, I want to play Palladium.
24:00I want to do Radio City, Nashville.
24:02I want to be up on that billboard outside Caesars Palace.
24:05That's when I know I'll have made it.
24:06It's a lovely feeling.
24:07Yeah.
24:07It's a lovely feeling.
24:08Well, you belong there.
24:10Oh, bless you.
24:11I appreciate that.
24:13Hey, I'm just talking the truth.
24:14That's great.
24:19Action, gentlemen.
24:21Nikolai, under, open up.
24:24Open.
24:28Mesdames and Messieurs, for your delight, we present Le Grand Bouffet Magnifique.
24:34Merci beaucoup.
24:37Welcome to Le Grand Bouffet.
24:43Our kitchen and dining room staff have been working especially hard to serve you during your cruise.
24:50This evening's buffet.
24:52This evening's buffet requires the health of more than 40 cooks, and it takes over 48 hours to create, prepare,
25:01and complete.
25:04Oh, man, how lovely.
25:06Thank you very kindly.
25:07Thank you very much.
25:08You know, there was a lady that sang here the other night.
25:10About three years ago, I met this lady, and then about a month later, I asked her to marry me,
25:15and she told me to drop dead.
25:16And so I said, well, let's do something different.
25:19When I came on the ship, I saw that she was here.
25:21And I asked her if she would sing with me because that is a good part about what we do.
25:26I get a chance to sing with good people every now and again, and this lady is, she's going to
25:31be a very big star.
25:32She really is a wonderful talent.
25:33Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jane McDonald.
25:44To give you an idea of how much food is consumed during one cruise on the galaxy,
25:50by the end of this week, you will have eaten, in total, 40,000 pounds of meat and poultry,
26:0016,000 pounds of fresh fruit.
26:05It's three in the morning, you're nowhere in sight,
26:13and all that I wanted was to be with you tonight.
26:26600 gallons of ice cream,
26:304,000 pounds of sugar,
26:348,600 dozen eggs.
26:37They say if you love someone,
26:42If you love someone,
26:45Then set them free,
26:47Set them free,
26:50If they come back again,
26:54Then in the end,
26:58It was meant to be.
27:013,400 bottles of fine wine,
27:051,800 bottles of assorted liquor,
27:11And 10,000 bottles of beer.
27:15Think of me.
27:17Think of me.
27:17I'll reach for the stars.
27:19I'll reach for the stars.
27:22Because I've got them inside.
27:25I've got them inside.
27:28There's someone who really needs me out there in the night.
27:38We'll live for the future.
27:41We'll live for the future.
27:44We'll live for the future.
27:45We'll live for the future.
27:45We'll learn from the past.
27:46We'll learn from the past.
27:49No matter how hard we try,
27:53Some good things never last
28:02No matter how hard we try
28:08Some good things never last
28:35Some good things never last