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TVTranscript
00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:31Honey, I'm home!
01:03Mother, there must be more for you to do than sit around and watch the grass grow.
01:06Mother, we're back with more grass growing action and what an exciting lawn this has turned out to be. Right,
01:13Arnie?
01:13You got that right, Howard. We've been watching this dichondra for four days and have seen nearly a quarter inch
01:19of growth.
01:20Oh, and I understand we're going back down to the lawn right now. Let's watch.
01:27You know, the weather's so nice, I thought we'd go to the swamp. Would you like to come?
01:30What for?
01:31Well, the baby's going to play in the scum.
01:33I put my scum bucket!
01:34And you and I could sun ourselves on a rock.
01:37No, it's too late in the day. All the good rocks will be taken.
01:40Oh, Mother, live a little.
01:42A little is all I got left. I don't want to waste it doing things.
01:46Hi, Grandma. Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom.
01:48Charlene, why don't you do something with your grandmother today?
01:52Ooh, gee, a tempting offer. And though it may be hard to believe, I'm going to have to pass. Maybe
01:57another time, okay?
01:58It's not a request. It's an order.
02:01Oh, then I'd love to. Not...
02:04Hey, Grandma.
02:05What?
02:06You want to do something? You know, we could, um, um, uh, oh, uh, think, oh, oh, uh, you could
02:15get out the old photo album
02:16and you could tell me all about your friends who just had operations, or, uh, we could do something with
02:20yarn.
02:21No, I'm fine here. If I run out of things to do, I can always die.
02:27Uh, Mom. Uh, bye-bye.
02:30Mother, you're impossible.
02:34Hmm.
02:37How you talking?
02:38Yeah. There you go.
02:40Earl?
02:41What?
02:42You're watching TV in here, and Mother's watching TV in there.
02:46Wouldn't it be more fun if you watched TV in the same room?
02:51Only if...
02:52The TV was crushing her head.
02:55God, Earl.
02:56I'm just concerned that she seems a little depressed.
02:59Would you check on her once in a while, and when you see her, say something nice?
03:03Hey, the game is starting.
03:04Yeah, fine, fine, fine. I promise.
03:07It's a beautiful day here at Lake Olduvai, and here comes the Piranosaurus team out on the ice.
03:13Ooh, and they're falling through the ice, into the water.
03:16But unfortunately, it's a little too familiar turn of events for this accident-playing team of large, clumsy herbivores.
03:21Well, they're dead.
03:31Helicopters have arrived to try to hoist this damp and discourage Piranosaurus team out of the freezing water.
03:37Munchie time.
03:39Hey, don't forget to say something nice to the mother-in-law.
03:43Yeah!
03:46How you doing there, Ethel?
03:48Like I care.
03:54Give me a brew.
04:02So, Ethel, what a lovely, um, lovely, um, blanket you got draped over your legs.
04:12You done with those?
04:16Thanks.
04:17Thanks.
04:20Hey, you talked to your mother-in-law?
04:22Yeah.
04:23Yeah.
04:23You know, it was one of the nicer chats we ever had.
04:25She wasn't obnoxious.
04:27She wasn't insulting.
04:28She didn't hit me.
04:30Oh, my gosh, she's dead.
04:32Ethel?
04:33Hello?
04:35Are you dead?
04:38Hey, hey, I got an idea.
04:42Ethel, I've got half a mind to eat a potato chip.
04:47I said I've got half a mind.
04:53Don't make me throw my weight around.
04:57She must be dead.
04:58She could never resist the chance to take a shot at me.
05:01I'd like to spit on your head.
05:05Did you hear that?
05:08What do we do with her?
05:09Well, we could go watch a game and just leave her here.
05:12Yeah.
05:13She's definitely non-corporeal.
05:15No.
05:19Ethel, go towards the line.
05:23Go towards the line.
05:25I heard you the first time.
05:28I'm not deaf.
05:29I'm just dead.
05:30Forward the line.
05:33And move.
05:33Oh, what are you doing?
05:37Don't touch me.
05:41We are here to die.
05:46I don't know where your hands have been.
06:01Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
06:03Is this better?
06:05Boy, you got quite a layout here.
06:08Well, this is the afterlife.
06:10We have an image to maintain.
06:12I understand.
06:14Why don't I show you around?
06:16Hmm, very nice.
06:19Over here is the Mar Vista room, where we have our eternal all-you-can-eat buffet.
06:24Is the fish fresh?
06:26Fresh?
06:27It's just been created.
06:28Ha, ha, ha.
06:30Well, we buried her good and deep.
06:32Yeah, a lot of folks would have stopped at six feet.
06:34Yeah, well, a lot of folks' hearts aren't really into it.
06:40Well, experts do say cardiovascular activity does produce a natural sense of euphoria.
06:47Yep.
06:47And throwing your mother-in-law into a ditch is also a good pick-me-up.
06:53If it's everything I dreamed it would be, I could stay here forever.
06:58Yeah, well, that's pretty much how it works.
07:00Do you think I could see my husband now?
07:04And your name is?
07:06Ethel Phillips
07:09That's odd
07:10We don't have your reservation
07:12Were you scheduled to arrive today?
07:15What do you mean scheduled? I dropped dead
07:17Ah, here you are
07:19Oh, you aren't expected for quite some time
07:23There must have been a mistake
07:24I want to see my husband
07:26I'm dead and I know my rights
07:29Um, no
07:30Actually, you're just near dead
07:32It's a form of unconsciousness
07:34But not to worry
07:35You'll be waking up alive and well any moment
07:38What?
07:41We're back
07:42Uh, uh
07:45Fran, sweetheart
07:46There's news
07:47The swamp was absolutely packed
07:49I got leeches, can I keep them?
07:52No, honey, those are for dinner
07:53Uh, Franny
07:55Speaking of parasites
07:57Uh, remember when we said
07:59Your mother would stay with us
08:01For the rest of her life?
08:03Mm-hmm
08:03Well, she's moved out
08:05What are you talking about?
08:06Where is mother?
08:08Mother!
08:08Uh, you're gonna have to yell out of the net
08:10Roy, this is a somber moment
08:17Oh, well, uh, jeez, would you look at the time
08:21Um, well, Fran, um, my condolences
08:23Uh, what do you say at a time like this?
08:26Uh, bye
08:32Earl
08:32What are you doing with that shovel?
08:36Shovel?
08:37Shovel?
08:38Um, Fran, life is like the tide
08:42It comes in and goes out
08:45It washes in the new and washes out the old
08:49I used it to bury your mother
08:52You buried my mother?
08:55Now, Franny, she died quite suddenly
08:58And you know we've got a scavenger problem around here
09:01She died?
09:03How did she die?
09:05What did the doctor say?
09:08Well, there was no doctor per se
09:11No doctor?
09:13Did you take her pulse?
09:14Pulse?
09:16Oh, yeah, sure
09:17It's all very well you coming in here after the fact
09:20And quibbling over little details
09:22Then how do you know she was dead?
09:24Fran, I know when somebody's dead
09:26I'm not a complete idiot
09:30Guess again, fat boy
09:47Franny, sweetheart
09:49I got you something
09:53It's a nice card
09:56Would you like me to read it to you, sweetie?
10:01I'll take that as yes
10:06What can I say when I've ruined your day
10:09And made you all angry and surly?
10:12How could I make such a thoughtless mistake
10:14And bury your mother too early?
10:20Oh, come on, Franny
10:22They wouldn't make this kind of card
10:24If it didn't happen all the time
10:28You buried my mother alive, Earl
10:31I did a bad thing yesterday
10:33I said I was sorry
10:34Now let's move on
10:36She had to claw her way out
10:39From under 15 feet of tightly packed dirt
10:44Yesterday
10:44Yesterday I buried her
10:47Today I brought her soup
10:48Now we're even, Stephen
10:54Wow, Grandma, that's pretty impressive
11:02To have dug your way out of all that dirt
11:04Without the use of either of your legs
11:05And the tough part
11:07Was dragging the wheelchair in my teeth
11:09Did you get worms and bugs up your nose?
11:11Oh
11:12Tell us about the afterlife, Grandma
11:14Yeah
11:15It was the most glorious experience I ever had
11:18Was there shopping?
11:20Everything starts at 40% off
11:22No way
11:23And you want to talk about selection
11:25Yeah
11:26Kids, let your Grandma rest
11:28She's been through a very rough time
11:30Oh, nonsense
11:31Being dead is the best experience of my life
11:34I could talk about it for hours
11:38I'll get it
11:39Mother, maybe you shouldn't be talking to the kids so much about death
11:44Couldn't we change the subject?
11:46Okay
11:48Robbie
11:48Hmm?
11:50I met the most wonderful female for you in the afterlife
11:54Very pretty for a dead girl
11:57Grandma
11:59Hey, everybody
12:00It's the host of that TV show, Mysteries That Haven't Been Solved Yet
12:05Hello, members of the viewing public
12:06Oh, my goodness
12:07Has there been an unsolved mystery in the neighborhood?
12:10I'm looking for an Ethel Phillips
12:12Oh, that's me
12:13Oh, I just
12:15I just love your show
12:16How do you come up with those mysteries week after week?
12:19Actually, we only have four
12:21Which we tell over and over
12:23Luckily, no one seems to notice
12:25So that's how they do it
12:27However, this past week, despite our best efforts
12:29One of our mysteries was irrevocably solved
12:33And that means we need a new fourth mystery
12:35And your story could be it
12:37Life after death
12:39Wow
12:39Great
12:41It's mysterious
12:42And it's unsolved
12:43Are you interested?
12:45And there were shuffleboard courts as far as the eye could see
12:50And bocce ball
12:51And a pervasive sense of well-being
12:54And a feeling of being at one with the infinite
12:57And I was regular
12:59But while Ethel Phillips was marveling at the wonders of the afterlife
13:03Back at the Sinclair house
13:05Ethel's seemingly dead body was being buried by her simple-minded son-in-law, Earl
13:11And his dim-witted friend, Ray
13:13Hey, that's an outrage
13:17They got my name wrong
13:19That is supposed to be me?
13:22That doesn't even look anything like me
13:24Not the mama
13:25And why are we watching this show, anyway?
13:28Yeah
13:28I want to watch the puppet show on the other channel
13:30That's the kids' show
13:31Not so
13:32They do some very sophisticated juxtapositions of reality
13:36It'll last a year
13:41Well, she's in the hole
13:43Let's throw large amounts of dirt on her
13:46Did she just move?
13:49Could it be that she might possibly be
13:53Still alive?
13:54Maybe
13:55But I
13:56Lacking the intelligence God gave to Shovel
13:58Planned to bury her
13:59Anyway
14:01The two nitwits continued working feverishly
14:04Intent on their terribly misguided task
14:07But my time had not yet come
14:10So I was turned away from the afterlife
14:13But I will always remember it
14:15For it was more beautiful
14:17And more marvelous than anything in this world
14:20And I take solace that someday I will return there
14:24And I hope it's soon
14:25An amazing tale
14:27Thank you
14:28Next week's baffling mystery
14:30Our viewers
14:32Who are they?
14:33Why do they keep watching our show
14:35When there's a wildly better show on the other channel in this time slot?
14:38And cut
14:40And cut
14:42Great show, Ethel
14:44Thank you
14:45I was touched
14:46And normally I am untouchable
14:49Rico, young one
14:50My chair
14:53Miss Phillips
14:54That was an inspiring story
14:57I'm not signing any more autographs
15:00No, no
15:00I'm just someone with a vision
15:02Miss Phillips
15:03There are millions of dinosaurs
15:05Who live lives of misery and desperate loneliness
15:09Without a soul to care for them
15:12Is my limousine here yet?
15:14But what if we could distract these poor dinosaurs
15:17Get them to stop expecting so much out of life now
15:21With a promise of some vague reward later
15:27Now, you come up with this afterlife concept
15:30And I think that's it
15:32The afterlife could not only keep dinosaurs in their place
15:37It could be a major source of revenue
15:42Sounds interesting
15:43What exactly do you have in mind?
15:46And now, live via satellite from the cavernous Paradise Shrine
15:50Where Route 19 meets Interstate 5
15:52It's the Afterlife Show
15:54Starring Ethel Phillips and her inspiring tales from beyond
15:58How you doing?
16:01And the 1,000 voice Ethel Choir
16:04I looked to the light
16:06And what did I see?
16:09Coming for to carry me home
16:13I saw Ethel in a wheelchair
16:16Coming after me
16:18Coming for to carry me home
16:23Give door to the Ethel Show
16:27Give enough to carry you home
16:44Thank you, thank you
16:45That was beautiful
16:48Welcome, friends
16:50Whose life is miserable and wretched?
16:53Ours is!
16:54And who wants to get through with their life
16:57So they can get to the afterlife?
16:58We do!
17:00And how you gonna get there?
17:02We're not sure!
17:03Then you need to hear the inspiring words of the only dinosaur who's been to the afterlife
17:09And come back to tell us about it
17:11Ethel Phillips
17:18Life stinks
17:19You know it
17:21I know it
17:22But it doesn't matter
17:24Cause when it's all done
17:25That's when the fun really starts
17:29Let me tell you what I saw in the afterlife
17:33They got a monorail that goes around the whole place
17:36And they got rides for the kids
17:39And no lines at all
17:41Can I go to the afterlife?
17:44No, not for a long time, sweetheart
17:46Oh, but I want to go to the afterlife
17:49Better than the now life
17:51Earl, I'm worried about what Mother's saying on TV
17:54I'm afraid of the effect this might have on simple, impressionable minds
17:58I want to go to the afterlife
18:01Earl
18:02Gee, friend
18:03Now that I know there is one
18:05Why should I worry so much about politics
18:07The environment
18:08And social injustice
18:10I'm just gonna put my feet up
18:11And wait to die
18:15That sounds great, Ethel
18:17And now you can secure your share of the good life in the afterlife
18:22But space is running out
18:24So if you'd like to purchase one of these prime three-bedroom luxury condominiums
18:29Or timeshare in the hereafter
18:31Send me as much money as you can
18:34For your down payment
18:36Yes, nothing this luxurious is available in this life
18:41At least not to poor folks like you
18:45Poor folks like you
18:47Can secure your share of the good life
18:49And Ethel
18:50While everyone's calling
18:52Why don't you tell us some more about the lovely amenities of the afterlife
19:01Uh, Ethel
19:05Earl, what's wrong with Mother?
19:07Gee, she looks like she's dead
19:09Lucky's stiff
19:10I'm going down there
19:14Ethel
19:15You're on
19:19Well, looks like Ethel's taking a quick trip
19:23To check on our contractor in the great beyond
19:25You gotta keep an eye on those guys all the time
19:30Well, we'll be right back
19:33Are we off yet?
19:35Yep
19:37Ethel, Ethel
19:38The old bag's dead again
19:39Ethel
19:42Ethel
19:43Ethel
20:08Ethel
20:37You can't be here with a message
20:39Sweetheart
20:41But it's not your time yet
20:43Will we be together soon?
20:45Soon enough, Cupcake
20:47But you gotta go back now
20:49And stop trying to make a buck off the afterlife
20:52Dinosaurs who sell the afterlife
20:54May not ever see the afterlife
20:57They may end up someplace not so nice
21:01Look what's waiting for you
21:05I have believed it now!
21:14Mom?
21:14Boy?
21:15Mom?
21:16Um, um, Grandma?
21:19Can you say anything?
21:20Hey, look, look, look, look.
21:21I think she's coming around.
21:23No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
21:24No, the hole's already dug.
21:26Let's get on with it.
21:27Not so fast, fat boy.
21:29Oh.
21:32I knew I should have cremated her.
21:36Dad?
21:37Ow.
21:38What?
21:38Huh?
21:39You're kidding me.
21:40Where am I?
21:41Grandma, we brought you back from the TV studio.
21:43We were worried.
21:44Yeah, we better call your producer.
21:46I mean, he thought you were dead.
21:48Yeah.
21:48Let him think whatever he wants.
21:50I'm not going back there.
21:51But, Mom, I thought you loved talking about the afterlife.
21:54I did, Fran.
21:55But if I'm ever going to go back, I can't just sit around here watching the grass grow.
22:01What I'm going to do is appreciate life and love all of you.
22:06Oh.
22:07Starting tomorrow.
22:09Why not today?
22:10Because today, there's a perfectly good hole in the backyard, and we're going to bury fat boy in it.
22:16Hmm?
22:17What?
22:19Ugh.
22:20Oh.
22:21Oh.
22:23Oh.
22:25Oh.
22:25Oh.
22:28Yeah.
22:30Oh.
22:32Oh.
22:32Oh.
22:33Oh.
22:33Oh.
22:39Oh.
22:42Oh.
22:46Oh.
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