- 2 days ago
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00:10You've seen my teeth.
00:13You tried your mouth.
00:16Now don't get sarky, Rodney.
00:18I had them last night. I meant to put them in soap.
00:21I might have left them in the kitchen.
00:25Do you want any breakfast, Rodney?
00:27No, I don't.
00:28My belly's going up and down like Tower Bridge.
00:32I'll see if they've got anything out here for you.
00:35Ah, there you are, Rodney.
00:37Morning. Great night last night, wasn't it?
00:39Oi, Grandad, I found your teeth.
00:42Now we're outside by the rubbish shoe.
00:44How long have you been out there?
00:46I don't know, do I?
00:47Did you lend them to anyone?
00:49Of course I didn't.
00:51Are you sure?
00:54Here, put a couple of rashes of streaky in that pan for me, will you, Grandad?
00:57That's what you need, Rodney.
00:59After a night on the old drink, a nice drop of the old bacon fat.
01:01Slides down the little red lane like a pint of duckums on a warm morning.
01:08What's the matter with you? You're not still sulking, are you?
01:10No.
01:10Oh.
01:11No.
01:12No.
01:13God, come on, grow up, Rodney, grow up.
01:16What's up with him now?
01:18I'll tell you what's the matter with him, shall I, Grandad?
01:20The other day I met a couple of birds, right?
01:22Well, when I say a couple of birds, a mother and her daughter.
01:25I've known them for a long time, they're two very charming people.
01:28Anyway, I suggested that we made up a foursome, right?
01:31So last night, we went out for a drink.
01:33We took them out, gave them a nice drink, had a lovely meal, and then, look, him over
01:36there, he doesn't get some sulks, doesn't he?
01:38What's the matter with you, Rodney?
01:39Sounds like a nice evening.
01:42Grandad, when he said we was going out with a mother and her daughter, I assumed that
01:45I'd be with the daughter.
01:49Instead of that, he dragged me around every pub in the old Kent road, holding hands with
01:53some old sort with a cough.
01:56I thought it was a very romantic evening, Rodney.
01:59Well, it might have been for you, Del.
02:01For me, the night air was filled with all the sensuous promise if a tour around the
02:04Sonata gym works.
02:06Here, how's that bacon?
02:07All right.
02:08You didn't get in till four o'clock.
02:10What do you do?
02:11Go back to their place?
02:13No, don't get excited.
02:16We went on to this little spit drinking club I know over New Cross.
02:19Yeah, you know who was there, Grandad?
02:20Tommy Razzle.
02:22Do you remember Tommy?
02:23He used to live in Caffel's house.
02:24Oh, young Razzle.
02:26Used to have that dog.
02:27Yeah, that's right.
02:28Well, he's married her now.
02:32He's still on the underground.
02:33No, no, no.
02:34Him and Monkey Harris, they've teamed up together.
02:36They put in full ceilings or something.
02:38They'd just come back from Saudi Arabia.
02:40They was putting in a full ceiling in a dental clinic or something.
02:43Anyway, they had a big row, didn't they, Rodney, last night?
02:45Should have seen it.
02:46You see, Tommy, he reckoned that he'd seen a salt beef bar in Jeddah.
02:50And Monkey Harris said, no way.
02:52Anyway, before we knew where we were, they was off, weren't they?
02:55Oh, tables flying, bottles, glasses.
02:58Almost had a call for the manager at one point, didn't I?
03:00Yeah, that's right.
03:01It was as bad as that.
03:02Anyway, somebody phoned the law, right?
03:04And who did they send but a young policewoman?
03:07Well, of course, that was it, wouldn't it?
03:08Should have seen him over there.
03:10She hit his eyes, they went all gobbly like that.
03:12And then he was sniffing round her.
03:14I was not sniffing round her.
03:16I merely asked her if she needed any assistance.
03:19Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
03:21There was Monkey Harris draped over a keep left side.
03:23There was Tommy with the handcuffs on.
03:25Their two wives were fighting like a couple of strays.
03:27And this Plonkerea is trying to fake the arresting officer.
03:42The only date that you would have got with her
03:44was 10 o'clock Monday morning,
03:45Ors Ferry Road, Magistrate.
03:47How's that bacon?
03:48Oh, I'll have a look at it.
03:50Oh, she could call round last night.
03:53Yeah, what do you want?
03:53With these watches.
03:55Eh?
03:56Watches?
03:57Watches, look.
03:58Not tall, five, eh?
04:01Oh, they're not knocked off.
04:03They're not knocked off.
04:04He's a comedian, isn't he?
04:05They're not knocked off.
04:08There you know, these are not bad.
04:10Look at that, Rodney, look at that.
04:12What do you think of that, eh?
04:14Responde vous, si vous plaie, innit, that one?
04:16Hey, they're not bad, is it, Hermes?
04:18No.
04:18Yeah, I reckon that's a longine or a Cartier.
04:22She could say they're four quid each.
04:26Eh?
04:27Oh, well.
04:28Bill, boy.
04:28Yeah?
04:30I've burnt you a bacon.
04:32Oh, you stupid old git.
04:34I told you to look after it, didn't I?
04:36Never mind, you can have it.
04:38Come on in, Rodney.
04:38Let's go and see if we can flog some of these watches.
04:40We'll stop off at Sid's place on the way, all right?
04:43Yeah, right.
04:43Actually, I could do with something to eat now.
04:45A bit better after that.
04:46What are you done with my sterile dent?
04:59I see I have dropped the point.
05:04Yeah?
05:07Chelsea dropped free on Saturday.
05:11They should never have sold greasy, should they?
05:13Come on in, you fit.
05:14Yeah, right.
05:16Right.
05:17What did you have, Del Boy?
05:18Just a packet of biscuits and a cup of tea, sir.
05:21What did you really have?
05:24Sausage, bacon, double egg, beans and tomatoes.
05:30Mushrooms, black pudding.
05:34And chips.
05:38Three teas, two bread.
05:43Bread was toasted.
05:46No fried slice?
05:48No, not this morning, Sid.
05:49Belly's a bit dicky.
05:51What did you have, Rodney?
05:52Oh, just my usual bacteria on toast, you know.
05:56One day I'll smack him in the mouth.
05:58Yeah, if you can find it.
06:00Here, coming down the nags head tonight.
06:02I've got a couple of strippers on.
06:05I'm going out tonight.
06:06Oh, here.
06:08Take that back.
06:08I want one of them down there.
06:09One of them biscuits, all right.
06:11Oh, yeah, where are you going?
06:12I didn't tell you, did I?
06:13I've got a food.
06:15Sandra.
06:16Sandra?
06:17Where did you meet her, then?
06:18She was down at a club last night.
06:20I didn't see you talking to anyone last night.
06:21Not even the bird that you were supposed to be with.
06:23Who was Sandra then?
06:24That part-time barmaid, was she?
06:26No, she's not a part-time wallah.
06:27She's got a career.
06:28Oh, career.
06:29What is she, a lollipop woman?
06:32Policewoman.
06:48I mean, Rodney going out with a policewoman.
06:52What are the neighbours going to say?
06:55Why is he doing it to us, dear old boy?
06:58Because he's kinky, isn't he?
07:01He's got what leading psychiatrists call a thing about policewomen's uniforms.
07:07Well, if that's all he wants, can't we club together and buy him one?
07:13He don't want to wear it.
07:15He wants the policewoman to wear it.
07:17Oh, then, he may be perverted, but he ain't dangerous.
07:27Bill, do you think?
07:31Could I please have the case of the van, Bill?
07:33Well, if you stop to consider how your actions are going to affect our business,
07:49don't you realise that them streets out there are our boardroom,
07:52our factory floor,
07:54and the people that live in them are our customers,
07:56our business acquaintances.
07:58How do you think they're going to feel about doing business with...
08:00with a grass?
08:03Bloody hell, dear.
08:04I'm just taking a bird to the pictures and suddenly I'm Bertie Smalls.
08:08You're not taking a bird.
08:09You're taking a...
08:11policewoman.
08:13But under the uniform, she's just the same as any other girl.
08:16Our kind and their kind don't mix, Rodney.
08:19We're like cats and dogs.
08:20I mean, you'll have to watch every word
08:22in case you say something incriminating.
08:25Them people's never off duty.
08:26Oh, don't talk rubbish, Grandadad.
08:29She's hardly going to nick the bloke that's taking her out, is she?
08:31What do you know about it, you wally brain?
08:33Don't you know that...
08:34Don't you know that police officers have to take her vow
08:37that if necessary, they will nick their own mum and dad?
08:40She's hardly going to think twice about a ragbag like you, is she?
08:44Now, you're trying to run my life again, isn't you, Del?
08:47Well, if I let you get away with it this time,
08:49I won't be able to go for a Nelson Riddle
08:50without you giving me a blue print.
08:52Leave it out.
08:54Hear that, hear that.
08:55Hear that.
08:55After all I've done for him.
08:57Thank you, Grandad.
08:57Oh, cheers, Del.
08:58What have you ever done for me?
09:00What have I done for you?
09:01I've brought you up.
09:03I've fed you.
09:04I've clothed you.
09:05I picked you up when you fell down.
09:06I wiped your tears away.
09:11But most important of all, Rodney,
09:12I've always been there.
09:14I have always been there.
09:18Besides that.
09:21Always used to take your way on holidays.
09:22Oh, yeah, the Costa del Kent.
09:25That's right, yeah.
09:26You used to create therapeutic little adventure games, didn't you?
09:29Like, let's see who can pick the most hops today, Rodney.
09:33Well, yeah.
09:33Hopping was all we could afford, wasn't it, Grandad?
09:36You've either got a short memory, Rodney,
09:37or you're just ungrateful.
09:39Don't you remember the time when your little mate, Roy Taylor,
09:42got a set of Jacko roller skates for his birthday?
09:45You come in crying because you didn't have none.
09:48The next day, Del Boy brought you in a pair
09:51exactly the same as Roy Taylor's.
09:53What do you mean, exactly the same as Roy Taylor's?
09:56They were Roy Taylor's.
09:58His big brother gave me a right-eyed him
10:00when he caught me on him.
10:02Yeah, I got him back for you, though, didn't I?
10:03Yeah, fine consolation that was, wasn't it?
10:05I'm sat in my little bed with a split lip and an headache.
10:08All right, all right, then.
10:09Who paid your fine when you got caught for smoking pot?
10:12Yeah, well, I could have handled that myself.
10:14Well, 300 quid, do me a favour, Rodders.
10:16I remember when you got nicked for riding your motor scooter
10:18without a crash at.
10:19You only got fined five quid
10:21and you asked for time to pay.
10:23You've always been a bad unrubber.
10:26Yeah, right.
10:26Oh, because I didn't wear a crash helmet.
10:28I mean, smoking marijuana.
10:31You brought a slur upon the family name.
10:34Oh, leave off, Grandad.
10:35I'd have to get down for chicken molesting
10:37and bring a slur on his family's name.
10:39Oi, oi, that's enough of that.
10:42It's a good thing your mum died when she did
10:45because that would have killed her.
10:53Why don't you shut up, you soppy old goat?
10:56Look, I don't care what neither of you say.
10:58I'm going out, right?
10:59I mean, you're always on about how you brought me up,
11:02how you kept me.
11:04The one thing you've never told me is why.
11:08Well, I'll tell you the truth.
11:10The council wouldn't let me keep a dog in the flat.
11:14Well, I think it's because you wanted to see me develop
11:17into a mature adult.
11:18Someone who could stand on his own two feet.
11:20Independent.
11:22And one of the little clauses in my independence still
11:24is that I decide where I go, what I do and with whom.
11:28All right, Rodney, all right.
11:29Why don't you do that small thing?
11:31You decide where you go, what you do and with whom you do it
11:33because I'm finished with you.
11:35I've washed me hands of you.
11:36As far as I'm concerned, you don't exist.
11:40Right?
11:46And, Rodney.
11:47What?
11:48It's been raining and roads will be treacherous.
11:50Drive carefully.
11:54Yeah, I will.
11:56Cheers, though.
11:57What for?
11:58Nothing.
12:00Well, I shouldn't be too late.
12:02Sandra's got to be up early.
12:03She's on riot patrol.
12:18The world's a strange place to live in, innit?
12:20Innit, eh, Grandad?
12:22One minute you walk along quite nicely and the next minute, whack!
12:25Life jumps out and gives you sobering thoughts.
12:30Oh, I've had a lot of sobering thoughts in my time, dear boy.
12:34Boy, it was them that started me drinking.
12:37It was them that started me drinking.
12:42Now, I can understand that.
12:46The boy's grown into a man.
12:49I don't feel as needed as I used to be.
12:55Soon he'll fly the nest.
13:00But you know what the most sobering thought of the lot is?
13:04One wrong word from that plonker, Rodney, and I could end up doing five years.
13:24Yeah, I was watching that.
13:27Got me home?
13:29No, not yet.
13:31He's most probably drove her home.
13:33Yeah, more than late.
13:35Ugh.
13:37Ugh.
13:38Ugh.
13:38He's late, aren't he?
13:40Here.
13:42I hope she hasn't asked to see his M.O.T.
13:48Here he is now.
13:49Ah!
13:51Oi!
13:51Hello, Z-Victor One.
13:53How'd you get on?
13:55Hope you didn't leave any fingerprints.
13:56So would a suspect.
13:59He's still.
14:00What?
14:00He's brought her home with him.
14:01He's done what?
14:03What's he trying to do to me?
14:05Quick, Grandad.
14:06Hide things.
14:06What things?
14:07Well, everything, innit?
14:09That's better for a start.
14:10Quick, get...
14:11The boobs, Grandad!
14:12The boobs!
14:12The boobs!
14:17Hello.
14:19Yeah, we were just talking about you, weren't we, Grandad?
14:21We just said, yeah, well, give Rodney another month and then we'll phone the police.
14:26I just brought Sandra back for a nightcap.
14:28Oh.
14:29Oh.
14:29Good.
14:30Hello again.
14:31Yeah.
14:32Hello.
14:33Again.
14:35Well, did you...
14:36Did you enjoy the film?
14:38Yes, it was very good.
14:40Told you to see something romantic, did he?
14:41No, The Exterminator.
14:43Oh, The Exterminator.
14:44Well, of course, to Rodney, that is romantic.
14:47I mean, he cried his little eyes out over the Chainsaw Massacre.
14:51Do you want to sit down, Sandra?
15:01And what have you been doing?
15:02Nothing.
15:02No, no, no, nothing.
15:05We've been in all evening, haven't we, Grandad, eh?
15:07Yeah.
15:08And we've got witnesses to prove.
15:11I wasn't asking you to provide an alibi.
15:14I was just inquiring out politeness.
15:16Oh, yeah, yes.
15:17Yeah, of course she was, Sandra.
15:19Sorry.
15:19It's just that, you know, us being such a law-abiding family,
15:22we don't really know how to converse with the old Bill.
15:27He's got a police record.
15:29Yeah, so Walking on the Moon.
15:35You've heard that one, haven't you?
15:37Yeah.
15:38I'll play it for you later on if you like, you know, if you haven't heard it.
15:41Do you like the police LP, Sandra?
15:42I've got the latest one.
15:44It hasn't even been released yet, has it, Del?
15:49If it hasn't been released, how do you come by it?
15:51No, no, what he means is, no, it hasn't been released in Britain yet.
15:54You see, we got it when we was abroad on holiday.
15:57Yeah.
15:57Didn't we?
15:59We got it on holiday.
16:00Where'd you go?
16:01Spanish.
16:04We toured.
16:05Yeah, we toured.
16:10Well, this is pleasant, isn't it?
16:24You know, um,
16:27Rodney, you know, he tried to join the police force once.
16:30It's, uh,
16:31after he failed the intelligence test to become a Unigate milkman.
16:35He's joking.
16:36No, no, I'm not.
16:38Here, that's a very nice looking watch you've got there, Sandra.
16:41Isn't there?
16:41Yes, lovely, isn't it?
16:42Rodney gave it to me.
16:46Oh, did he?
16:47Ah, of course, he's a very generous lad, eh, Rodney, you know.
16:50Sometimes I think he's too generous for his own good.
16:52Yeah, come on.
16:53Uh, Rodney, shall you and me get Sandra a drink, eh?
16:56You and me, and me and you, you know, together.
16:57You and me.
16:58Yeah, all right.
16:59What'll you have, Sandra?
17:01A gin and tonic, please.
17:02G&T.
17:06Cheers.
17:08What'd you give me that watch for?
17:09Don't worry, I'll give you the money for it.
17:11Don't worry about that.
17:12I'm not worried about the money, am I?
17:14Don't you realise those watches are very sought after property?
17:17They're especially sought after by the river police and the flying squad.
17:24You mean they're hot?
17:26Hot.
17:26Hot.
17:26They are so hot, it is advisable to wear oven gloves when winding them up.
17:31Tell me that was straight.
17:32Yeah, well, I lied, I lied, didn't I?
17:34Appalachian Bordeaux Controle.
17:37What?
17:38We've got to think of a way to get that watch back off her.
17:41Yeah, yeah, I'll just say, Sandra, can I have the watch back?
17:44Because I only lent it you.
17:46No, we can't do that, ma.
17:47She might get suspicious, mightn't she?
17:49I'll have to think of something subtle.
17:50Yeah, that's what I like about you.
17:52You'll try anything once.
17:53Wait, wait, wait.
17:54I've got an idea, here.
17:56Just watch me.
17:57All right.
17:58Oh, here we are, Sandra.
17:59Nice gin and tonic for you.
18:01Get up now, please.
18:02Allow me to put it on the arm of the chaise lounge for you.
18:05Oops!
18:06Oh, dear, oh dear.
18:08Butterfingers.
18:10No, no, it's all right, don't worry.
18:12Oh, I do worry, I do.
18:13I mean, I feel partly responsible.
18:15Yes.
18:15Oh, look, you're all wet.
18:17Grandad, could you bring a cloth?
18:19Look at that.
18:19Yeah, all over you.
18:20Nice new watch and all.
18:21Give it to me, I'll get it repaired for you.
18:22Oh, no, no, honestly, it doesn't matter.
18:23It's waterproof.
18:25Eh?
18:25Yeah, well, I know it's waterproof, but is it gin-proof?
18:27You see, gin's a very funny thing.
18:29You don't quite know where you stand with it, you see.
18:31I've got this thing...
18:36Sorry about that.
18:36He's a bit eccentric, you know.
18:38Now, if you give me that watch, I'll get it repaired for you, all right?
18:42Yeah.
18:42Yeah, he's right, Sandra, because it's probably out of guarantee now.
18:45It's been soaked in gin, you know.
18:46Well, are you sure you don't mind?
18:47Mind?
18:48La plume de la matande.
18:50It'll be a pleasure.
18:51There you are.
18:51That's right.
18:52There.
18:52Look, I'll let you have this back in, what, you know, a couple of months.
18:55It'll be as good as new.
18:56Well, come on in, Rodney, you know.
18:57Get Sandra another drink.
18:59Can I?
19:00Yeah.
19:02They got you out of shtuck, didn't they, eh?
19:03What do you mean, got me out of shtuck?
19:05You put me in it in the first place.
19:06Oh, that's all right.
19:07Go on, pass the buck.
19:09All right, yeah.
19:11Now, listen, no more cock-ups.
19:13Just, you know, just think before you act, all right?
19:15Right.
19:16Good.
19:17Oh.
19:18I'm sorry, Sandra, we seem to be right out of gin.
19:20Eh?
19:21No, we're not.
19:22No, I've got number three cases of it down here.
19:26I don't believe it.
19:27I don't believe it.
19:29What a plonker.
19:30What a plonker.
19:39Oh.
19:42Well, here we are.
19:43Yes, here we are.
19:47It'll be like you bring a uniform home, Sandra.
19:51Yeah, sang it in my wardrobe.
19:52Why?
19:53Nothing.
20:02Rodney.
20:03Yes, Sandra?
20:05Can I ask you something?
20:08Yeah.
20:10You know your flat?
20:13Yeah.
20:14Well, is there anything in it that's legally yours?
20:22I recognised a lot of the stuff from Scotland Yard photos and Police Five.
20:27Yeah.
20:29Er...
20:30Well, I mean, you know, you're not interested in the little things that fall off the bags of lorries, are
20:34you?
20:35No.
20:36But I am interested in who pushed them and who picked them up.
20:39I mean, you had three cases of export gin.
20:42You can't buy that in Britain.
20:43Do you?
20:44No.
20:45No.
20:45We got it on holiday.
20:48Oh, you smuggle as well.
20:52Oh, come on, Sandra.
20:53I bought you a tonic kebab tonight.
20:56And you gave me a stolen watch.
20:59No, I didn't know that was nipped.
21:00Well, tell that to the beat, Rodney.
21:03You don't seem to realise.
21:05I'm trying to build a career in the police force.
21:08Now, what do you think my commanding officer would do if he found me in possession of stolen property?
21:13Put you in charge of the Christmas club, more like.
21:16This is not funny, Rodney.
21:18I could end up with the sack.
21:20Which of you two is the culprit?
21:22You or your brother?
21:23No, it's not...
21:26Yes, mate.
21:28Del...
21:28Del don't know anything about it.
21:30He's a bit of a wally, see.
21:34Well, come quietly, miss.
21:36It's a fair cup.
21:42If I was to carry out my duty to the fuller, I'd take you straight down the station now.
21:48But you did take me to the pictures.
21:50And you bought me a donut kebab.
21:52And a packet of cashews.
21:53And a watch!
21:55Oh.
21:56Forget about the watch.
21:58No, I won't forget about the watch.
22:00Neither will I forget about the others your brother hid down the side of the armchair.
22:05Look.
22:06I'll give you 24 hours breathing space.
22:09Time to, shall we say, spring clean your flat.
22:12And after that, I'm coming round with the CID.
22:15That's 24 hours, Rodney.
22:18Yeah, right.
22:20Reminds me of that Gene Pitney song, you know, 24 hours from Dartmoor.
22:24LAUGHTER
22:27Well, thanks for a lovely evening, Sandra.
22:29Thank you, Robbie.
22:32But I'll fancy a coffee.
22:34Oh, do you?
22:35Well, there's an all-night sandwich bar down the Walworth Road.
22:39Oh, yeah.
22:41My mind's probably popped down here then.
22:46Sandra, will I see you again?
22:48Of course you will.
22:49Well, I'll be round your flight in 24 hours.
22:52And in case you don't recognise me in uniform, I'll be the one with the warrant.
23:02Well, we've got 24 hours, Bill.
23:05Well, as you so rightly say, Bill.
23:07Well, Rodney, 24 hours is better than nothing.
23:10Thanks for being so understanding, Bill.
23:12I'm going to kill you, Rodney!
23:14Listen, that's right.
23:16This is it, you dipstick.
23:18Have you got any last requests?
23:19Yeah, I want to leave my pimpsos to medical science.
23:21Now, get off, Bill.
23:25What's up with you now?
23:26I thought you'd calmed down.
23:27I had calmed down.
23:28And I trapped my finger in a flap on that table,
23:30got myself a black man's pinch,
23:32and it's all this dipstick's fault.
23:33I've said I'm sorry, and I mean, what more does he want me to say?
23:36You could say,
23:37I'm emigrating, Del Boy.
23:39I'm jumping off the balcony, Del Boy.
23:41Anything that would cheer me up.
23:43Anybody can make a mistake, Del Boy.
23:46Yeah, you're right.
23:47Look at a mistake Mum and Dad made.
23:48How could they produce such a stupid kid?
23:51Don't put yourself down, Del.
23:54I'll chin you, I will.
23:55Look, we ain't got time to stand here arguing.
23:58We've only got a few hours to get rid of all this stuff.
24:01That's right.
24:01Help me clear out this sideboard.
24:03Make it a bit lighter.
24:04Can we get this sideboard down Hockey Street then?
24:07I don't know, Rodney.
24:08I don't know.
24:09Half the stuff in this flat is legal.
24:10The other half isn't.
24:12It's been such a long time,
24:13I just don't know what's bloody what anymore.
24:15We've got to get rid of the whole issue.
24:17That's right, come on.
24:18Oh, I know there's something that I mustn't forget.
24:22Hey, Del.
24:23What?
24:24Can I keep one of these bars of aftershave?
24:26Yeah.
24:27What for?
24:28Well, it's just in case Sandra comes round a bit early, you know.
24:35Just come here for a bit.
24:36No, I don't want it now.
24:38Come here, you!
24:40You just come here!
24:41I'm in a box!
24:41Why are you still doing this here?
24:41Why are you still living in shelter?