Have I Got News for You S69E10
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:30APPLAUSE
00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:42I'm Richard Ayiwadi. In the news this week, at a leisure centre in Birmingham,
00:46Ozzy Osbourne begins to regret letting Sharon organise his surprise birthday treat.
01:00At a naval bait in Portsmouth, sailors test a new alarm system that emits a whistle
01:05whenever something undesirable approaches the ships.
01:17And at an end-of-year graduation party, one guest calls her to me,
01:20you know my idea for a fancy dress costume, you didn't tell anyone else about it, did you?
01:25No.
01:32On Ian's team tonight is a sports broadcaster who will soon be presenting Match of the Day
01:36and, in case you're wondering, I know as much about football as the Nets man,
01:40who, unfortunately for her, is Ian Hislop.
01:43Please welcome Kelly Cates.
01:51On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who, in a recent interview,
01:54moaned the general decline in British manners.
01:56So, please give a considerate and respectful welcome to our very special guest,
02:00the supremely funny and talented bastard, Jack D.
02:09We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:11Ian and Kelly, here are yours.
02:14That's Winston Churchill. Oh, no, it's Keir Starm.
02:17Here's a drone.
02:20And...
02:21There's another one.
02:25It's Dad's army.
02:27Oh, it really is Dad's army.
02:30So, it looks as though they've found a way for the pensioners
02:32to earn their winter fuel payments, doesn't it?
02:34Yes.
02:36But we're at war.
02:38Well, give it a moment, Ian.
02:40So, this is the Strategic Defence Review.
02:42What did Keir Starmer promise?
02:4512 nuclear subs ready to attack someone.
02:51Yes.
02:52I'm not sure who the enemy is now.
02:53It might be the United States.
02:56It's apparently anyone who thinks they're hard enough.
03:00Anyone who shouts, you and who's army.
03:02Yes.
03:03Which is great, because there's a load of 18-year-olds
03:05being sent over on their gap year to go and fight the war for us.
03:09Yeah, it would be good.
03:10If Russia ever attack Iyanapa...
03:12Yeah.
03:14..we'll be ready for them.
03:17But they're very good with computer games.
03:19Yeah.
03:20So, all the people who are playing Call of Duty will now...
03:23..will now do it for real.
03:25Actually not doing shoot-em-ups.
03:27They'll actually literally be...
03:28Yeah, they'll be fighting from home.
03:29Yeah.
03:30Your tea's ready.
03:32I'm at war, I can't come now.
03:35We will fight them from the bedroom.
03:37Yeah.
03:39Right now, actually, certain sections of the army are ready to strike
03:41at a moment's notice.
03:43.
03:44.
03:45Is that a real advert?
03:57That's it.
03:58I directed it.
03:59Did you?
04:00I wish.
04:01Now, in terms of the wider spending review, who else is demanding money from the government?
04:18Everyone?
04:19Yeah.
04:20Teachers?
04:21Sure.
04:22Doctors?
04:23Nurses?
04:24They've got enough, Iyan.
04:26Police?
04:27The police?
04:28Thank you, Jack.
04:29The police.
04:30Senior police chiefs have warned that they will have to de-prioritise.
04:35Adding, if funding is cut, that means some crimes must be ignored.
04:38How will we tell?
04:39LAUGHTER
04:40In other police news, can anyone tell me what's going on here?
04:45Oh, it's savage cuts.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:48Used to be a bloke under that.
04:50This is Superintendent Paul Allen, who found his missing hat almost 25 years after he lost it.
04:53Funny thing, it was on his head the whole time.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56No, it wasn't, it wasn't.
04:57I'm just being humorous.
04:58It was found in a quarry in Leicestershire and handed in by a member of the public.
05:01Who decided that was a story?
05:02LAUGHTER
05:03I think the police are so hard-up for good news stories.
05:06Yeah, yeah, we've said something, here we go.
05:09Yeah.
05:10Maybe to get on to finding my missing motorbike.
05:11No, no, no.
05:12How do they know it was his hat?
05:13They look very similar, don't they?
05:14They had his name written on a little name tag.
05:15Did it or have you just made that up?
05:16I can't see it.
05:17It's not anything.
05:18I am, I am.
05:19No, I am.
05:20It's not a bad person.
05:21I am.
05:22No, I am.
05:23But I am.
05:24If I am.
05:25I am.
05:26No, I am.
05:27No, I am.
05:28No, I am.
05:29No, no.
05:30I am.
05:31It's not a bad person.
05:32What's the case?
05:33No, no, no.
05:34No, no.
05:35No, no, no.
05:36No, no, I am.
05:37or have you just made that up? God, you're good.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:42He said we might hand it over to our archivist,
05:46because this story is probably worth telling again...
05:50..when I retire. I wouldn't open the memoir with that.
05:54Now, do the police ever wear helmets any more, or does it just have?
05:57What's happened to the helmets? Apparently there's a quarry with hundreds of them.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:02Right. Well, this lively conversation has given me an idea.
06:06For a new game, a very fun game, called Hat or Helmet,
06:10would you like to play? I'll take that as a yes.
06:12Yeah, sure. This is how it works.
06:14There will be some people in the news in a hat or a helmet... Right.
06:17..and you have to tell me who they are... Oh, who they are. OK.
06:20..and why they're in the news. OK. Is it a buzz around? Yeah.
06:23Um, no. Oh. It's not a buzz around.
06:25That would make no sense within the format. OK.
06:27OK, well, I don't know it yet. Yeah, we don't know the format.
06:29I don't know if you're going to show a picture and we had to come in and say...
06:32Yeah, we are. But, you know, OK, I'm sorry.
06:33I'm only trying to help out. Yeah.
06:36Ian. Yes. You start.
06:38Would you like a hat or a helmet?
06:40Er, hat, please. Let's go for it.
06:47It's Robert Jenrick. It is.
06:48The story is he's been going down the tube...
06:51Um...
06:53Literally.
06:54LAUGHTER
06:55He's not the Tory leader, but he'd quite like to be.
06:57So, he's leading a campaign against crime, which is quite amusing.
07:01Yes.
07:02During a property deal with a Tory donor called Richard Desmond.
07:05The judge described him and his behaviour as unlawful.
07:08I just bring that up in the hope that someone, somewhere,
07:11will allow me to say it again.
07:13LAUGHTER
07:15There's a one-man vigilante... Yes.
07:17On the London Underground, pointing out fair dodgers.
07:20Yeah.
07:21And pointing them out with extreme force.
07:23Yes.
07:24Excuse me.
07:25Do you think it's all right not to pay?
07:26Seriously, why don't you go back to the barry and pay?
07:28Do you want to go back and pay like everybody else?
07:30Do you think it's all right not to pay?
07:31Why don't you go back and pay?
07:32Well, you can say f*** off as much as you want.
07:35On a week.
07:36But everyone else has to pay.
07:37You're carrying a knife, do you see?
07:39It's the same with bike theft, phone theft, tool theft, shoplifting,
07:43drugs in town centres, weird Turkish barber shops.
07:52I'm confused, though.
07:53Is that a barber shop specifically serving weird turks?
07:55That's right.
07:57I mean, whoever gave him that haircut, fair enough.
08:00Fair enough.
08:02The key issue is what did Hello Good Morning Susannah Reid think?
08:06She was furious.
08:07She was furious.
08:08Because she said he should have picked up on the fact
08:11that someone said they were carrying a knife,
08:13because as she quite rightly said,
08:15if her children were travelling on the tube,
08:17she'd much rather they were sat next to someone who jumped a barrier
08:20than someone who was carrying a knife.
08:21Let's see Susannah put the case herself.
08:24Did you report to the police that you've been told
08:26someone was carrying a knife on the tube?
08:28I haven't done, but...
08:30Why not?
08:32Well, I didn't feel the need to do that.
08:35Why not?
08:36Well, it's not about me, the video, is it?
08:39You've made it all about me.
08:41The video is literally all about you.
08:43You say that, but that's not what I've heard.
08:46It's you walking around tube stations confronting people.
08:49Whoa, whoa!
08:51Absolutely rinsed.
08:53Got rinsed.
08:54This week, Robert Jenrick tried to bolster his Tory leadership
08:57credentials by filming himself confronting fair dodgers.
09:00According to The Sun, Jenrick was repeatedly told to fuck off.
09:05He then left his house.
09:07What a great round.
09:08Hat or helmet.
09:09Is that the end of it?
09:10No, no, no, no.
09:11Jack, hat or helmet?
09:12I'm going to push the envelope now.
09:13Oh, yeah.
09:14It's balaclava.
09:15Barry.
09:16Oh, I'm going helmet.
09:17Helmet.
09:18Yeah, go on then.
09:19Let's go for helmet.
09:20What is this?
09:21It's a helmet.
09:22Yeah.
09:23I was right.
09:24It's an ash tree.
09:25It's an ash tree.
09:26It's an ash tree.
09:27That's what's on his head to highlight the threat of ash dieback disease
09:30for ash trees in Southampton.
09:31Do you know, I think we could try to do something.
09:33Do you know, Jack, hat or helmet?
09:34Jack, hat or helmet?
09:35I'm going to push the envelope now.
09:36Oh, yeah.
09:37It's balaclava.
09:38Barry.
09:39Oh, I'm going helmet.
09:40Helmet.
09:41Helmet.
09:42Yeah, go on then.
09:43Let's go for helmet.
09:44What is this?
09:45It's a helmet.
09:46Yeah.
09:47I was right.
09:48It's an ash tree.
09:49Do you know, I think we could probably drop the helmet part of this for me.
09:52Yeah.
09:53I think if we drop that, I don't know where we are, Paul.
09:57We're on hat.
09:58OK.
09:59He wore this helmet.
10:00Yes.
10:01It is a helmet.
10:02It is a helmet, yeah.
10:03At an interspecies democracy meeting.
10:05Species which can't speak or vote in elections, and there are too many,
10:09were represented at a meeting of Southampton Council as part of its
10:12campaign to become a national park city.
10:14Let's take a look at what went down.
10:16I am the foxglove, and I represent all the wildflowers.
10:20I am nettle.
10:22We have been misunderstood.
10:25I am an estuary, and I'm here because estuaries are being cut down
10:29because of an ash dieback.
10:31Envision a Southampton where people and nature coexist harmoniously.
10:36We acknowledge our respect for you.
10:42Is there much to do in Southampton?
10:44Is that an official council meeting?
10:47It's an interspecies council meeting in Southampton.
10:49That's right.
10:50Where were you, Ian?
10:51Kelly?
10:52Yes.
10:53Hat or helmet?
10:54Helmet, please, Richard.
10:55I really was looking for you to say hat.
10:56Hat, please, Richard.
10:58You've only got one helmet question.
10:59That's one of the problems of the format.
11:00There's so little helmet news.
11:02OK, who's this?
11:04We don't know who that is.
11:05It's Elon Musk.
11:06He's finally snapped after spending almost a year
11:07in Donald Trump's inner circle.
11:08Is that a euphemism?
11:09I mean, it's also a medical condition.
11:34He said what he thinks to the President is,
11:36he says.
11:38He said what he thinks of the president's plans for a massive tax cut.
11:42The big bill, it's an abomination.
11:44Yes, he's called Trump's big, beautiful bill,
11:47an outrageous, port-filled abomination of a spending bill.
11:51And he's got a black eye as well.
11:53He asked his five-year-old child to punch him in the face.
11:56A five-year-old child is called X. That's why I hear him.
11:59Yeah. And I think the phrase,
12:01X marks the spot, has never been more...
12:04..acculately used.
12:06Thank you very much.
12:09OK. New bits?
12:12Are we at war? There's some news.
12:15Elon Musk and Donald Trump's war of words has bitterly escalated.
12:19Donald Trump said on Truth Social that Musk was wearing thin
12:24and threatened to terminate Elon's governmental subsidies and contracts
12:28and Musk hit back on X by saying,
12:31Time to drop the really big bomb at real Donald Trump is in the Epstein files.
12:36Ooh!
12:37That is the real reason they have not been made public.
12:40Have a nice day, DJT!
12:43We call it an amicable split.
12:52We don't know whether this is true because our source is Elon Musk.
12:59And a website called Truth Social.
13:02Truth Social.
13:04Run by a liar.
13:05So I'm just throwing it in, keep the lawyers awake.
13:08Yeah.
13:09I'll keep the lawyers awake, I say it's true!
13:12True!
13:14Woo!
13:15Woo!
13:19Yes.
13:20Trump has also accused the BBC of lying.
13:22Yes.
13:23That's right.
13:24About its account of what happened in Gaza at the AIDS centre,
13:27which is fairly extraordinary.
13:28A man who lied about winning the election
13:30ends up thinking that the real villain in the entire Middle East
13:33is the BBC.
13:36For reporting on shooting people who are starving.
13:39I'm... I'll just bring that up.
13:41This is the first strategic defence review since 1989.
13:45According to The Guardian, Keir Starmer has pledged
13:47to make Britain battle-ready with drones.
13:50Happily, we already have some of the best drone pilots in the world
13:53standing outside prisons delivering mobile phones.
13:56LAUGHTER
13:58It's true!
14:00One military expert said that in future,
14:03all wars could be fought by robots.
14:06Cool!
14:07LAUGHTER
14:09Paul and Jack?
14:10Yes.
14:11Here are yours.
14:12OK.
14:13Well, and there's someone writing Keir Starmer's speech.
14:18One of Trump's saner moments.
14:20What are...
14:21Sausage rolls?
14:22Sausage rolls.
14:23Yeah, yeah.
14:24Madame Tussauds did a waxwork model of a sausage roll.
14:28Yes.
14:29Presumably to try and get more scaffolders through the doors.
14:33LAUGHTER
14:34You're completely right.
14:35This is news that a Gregg's sausage roll is the first food item
14:37to be immortalised in Madame Tussauds.
14:40Gregg's is Britain's favourite baker.
14:42Yes.
14:43As we know, even Keir Starmer has been known to pop in on his way
14:45to work and ask for a Gregg's hostage roll.
14:48LAUGHTER
14:50They are celebrating cultural icons.
14:53That's what they're doing.
14:54Right.
14:55Right.
14:56It's a very specific thing.
14:57A million are bought every day and it will be on display in the
15:00Culture Capital section of the museum dedicated to icons
15:04that have helped shape Britain.
15:06And...
15:07That shape is a beast.
15:08Yes.
15:09The sausage roll will be displayed alongside fellow cultural icons,
15:12David Attenborough and Shakespeare.
15:14Here it is.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:16Are you sure that's not bacon?
15:18Exactly.
15:19LAUGHTER
15:21LAUGHTER
15:22Oh, there are so many other sausage roll Shakespeare jokes available.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:29Well, it's been praised to the hilt, this sausage roll,
15:32for looking exactly like the real thing and having the same
15:35nutritional value.
15:36LAUGHTER
15:38Who isn't going to be made into a waxwork?
15:40Me.
15:41I mean, there's got to be a long list of people who aren't going
15:42to be made into a waxwork.
15:43Yeah.
15:44You're right, you're right.
15:45That wasn't there.
15:46Most of the population.
15:47LAUGHTER
15:48Is it someone who wanted to be...?
15:50Well, maybe they would want to.
15:51Yeah.
15:52Me.
15:53Keir Starmer?
15:54Yes.
15:55Yes.
15:56Keir Starmer.
15:57Really?
15:58They've said they won't be making waxwork of him as they're not
15:59sure he'll be relevant in five years.
16:01LAUGHTER
16:02That's harsh.
16:06Yeah.
16:07Or now.
16:08LAUGHTER
16:10What's happening here?
16:13There was a waxwork model of Macron got stolen...
16:17Yes.
16:18..by Greenpeace or something.
16:20Yeah, that's right, yes.
16:21I always think with these people, I know they mean well,
16:24but every time you see them, you just think, oh,
16:27if you're the alternative, I just say, bring on the end
16:30of the world, really, because...
16:32LAUGHTER
16:33If that's what we've got to look forward to, then, Frank, I'm ready.
16:36LAUGHTER
16:38We've had a good innings.
16:39Yeah.
16:40Yeah.
16:41Let's just crunch on the caps, you'll get it done with.
16:42Yes.
16:43You are getting cheerier in your old age, aren't you?
16:45Well, you know, you've got to look on the bright side.
16:47LAUGHTER
16:48Finally, who wants to see the waxworks of William and Kate
16:51at the Polonia Wax Museum?
16:53Yes.
16:54Yes.
16:55LAUGHTER
16:56That's right.
17:01Have Thunderbirds been told about this?
17:03Time now for round two.
17:05The swirl of news fingers on buzzers teams.
17:08Activate the swirl.
17:10BUZZER
17:12Fantastic.
17:13Look at that for special effects.
17:15BUZZER
17:17Men's shorts are getting shorter.
17:20You're completely right.
17:21This is the news that short shorts are in fashion for men this summer.
17:24Yes.
17:25And what has a trend been dubbed?
17:26The short short trend.
17:28Yeah.
17:29LAUGHTER
17:30You haven't got one of those capsules, have you?
17:32LAUGHTER
17:34I'll tell you what it's called.
17:37Thigh Guy Summer.
17:39LAUGHTER
17:40Thigh Guy Summer?
17:41That's right.
17:42Who's calling it that?
17:43Everyone.
17:44Everyone.
17:45LAUGHTER
17:46Absolutely everyone.
17:47And we do have a picture of some very short shorts.
17:51Yeah.
17:52That's a pair with a five-inch inseam on morning television
17:55and that is when the authorities picked him up.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:01He looks like the two halves of his body are going to different events.
18:05LAUGHTER
18:06Yes.
18:07How do you feel about short shorts in general, Kelly?
18:09I mean, on young and, you know...
18:13How young?
18:14Like...
18:15LAUGHTER
18:16Fair in mind the history of BBC presenters.
18:20LAUGHTER
18:21I've played that answer back in my head and I'd like to withdraw it.
18:25LAUGHTER
18:26But footballers' shorts have got shorter.
18:29Do they get shorter and longer over the years?
18:31Yeah, they were quite long in the 90s.
18:33Yeah.
18:34And then the shorter ones are sort of coming back.
18:35Can you identify a footballer from their shorts?
18:36No.
18:37Bad luck.
18:38LAUGHTER
18:39Let's have a look at the picture.
18:40I want you to identify this footballer.
18:43I...
18:44I feel like if I could identify a footballer from this picture,
18:48I wouldn't be doing my job properly.
18:50LAUGHTER
18:51Ian, do you want to guess?
18:53It's Gary Lineker.
18:54You're right!
18:55Is it?
18:56Yes!
18:57Yes!
18:58APPLAUSE
19:04Of course it is.
19:05Well...
19:06It didn't take him long to get a new job, did it?
19:08Yeah.
19:09LAUGHTER
19:10Is he presenting Crutch of the Day?
19:12Yes.
19:14Is there any explanation for that photo?
19:16It just...
19:17No, no, it's just...
19:18Yeah.
19:19It was just in my wallet.
19:20LAUGHTER
19:23Fingers on buzzers, teams.
19:25Activate the swirl.
19:26This is Paris Saint-Germain, who have just won the Champions League
19:35by beating Inter Milan 5-0.
19:37Mm.
19:38That is exactly right.
19:39Now, are you set for Match of the Day, Kelly?
19:41Do you have Twitter?
19:42I did have Twitter, but I deleted it way before Match of the Day.
19:45OK.
19:46Yeah, so that's not a temptation for me.
19:48OK.
19:49But I did think the most sensible thing to do to distance myself
19:51from the previous era was to come on a satirical topical news quiz.
19:55LAUGHTER
19:56It's all right, I'll handle the Gaza questions.
19:59LAUGHTER
20:00And you can do the Gaza questions.
20:05LAUGHTER
20:06Kelly, you managed to upset a couple of fellow North Westerners.
20:11What did I do?
20:12Well, perhaps we should look at what you did.
20:15After three wins in four, particularly after the win against Brighton,
20:17we're expecting he's going to be in a good mood.
20:19How significant was that last win?
20:21It was a huge win.
20:22It was a huge win.
20:23I mean...
20:24Do you think there was something Michael's doing a relegation
20:26with David, which was obviously a good player as well?
20:28You had to keep Michael's on the trail of this late stage.
20:31LAUGHTER
20:34Was it done as an April Fool joke or something?
20:36No.
20:37They just aren't very good at walking and talking.
20:40They were supposed to answer...
20:41Yes.
20:42...and then go.
20:43Right.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45But they made it look natural.
20:47LAUGHTER
20:50In other news, a hybrid sport is gaining popularity in the UK.
20:56Underwater rugby.
20:58Incredibly dangerous scrum.
21:00Yeah.
21:01LAUGHTER
21:02Nick Harvey, founder of pure underwater rugby, Guildford,
21:06described the sport as beautiful.
21:09Let's have a look at the beautiful game.
21:12Some things don't need invented, do they?
21:24LAUGHTER
21:27And if you're wondering when you come up for air, Nick has the answer.
21:31When's a good time to come up for air, for example?
21:33Well, when you have to breathe.
21:34LAUGHTER
21:35APPLAUSE
21:37Smart guy.
21:39This is the news that Paris Saint-Germain have won the Champions League.
21:43PSG defeated four Premier League teams on their way to the final.
21:46Some football experts attributed this to the English club's
21:49heavier schedule.
21:50Other pundits put it down to an inability to modernise their tactics,
21:54while Gary Lineker blamed Benjamin Netanyahu.
21:56LAUGHTER
21:58It's good that someone does.
22:00Just saying.
22:01APPLAUSE
22:02Fingers on buzzers.
22:03LAUGHTER
22:04To make the swirl.
22:05Yeah, swirl.
22:06Yes.
22:07Yes.
22:08Horses.
22:09Horses have expressions, don't they?
22:10That's exactly right.
22:11Horses have 22 facial expressions.
22:12Why don't they use them, then?
22:13Well, that's 21 more than me.
22:21How do we know that they have so many...
22:26Scientists have observed them.
22:27That's right.
22:28Horses have 22 facial expressions.
22:2922 facial expressions. Why don't they use them, then?
22:31Well, that's 21 more than me. Yeah.
22:36How do we know that they have so many? Scientists have observed them.
22:39That's right. What other answer could there be?
22:43A horse wrote a letter into the Times. I have 22.
22:48Let's test this out, shall we? I'm going to show your horse.
22:50Oh, no, don't. Yes. Oh, go on, then.
22:52And you have to tell me how it's feeling. OK, definitely. Yeah, all right.
22:55First one. Yeah. What's this expression telling you?
22:58Nostalgic? Flirtatious. Flirtatious. Definitely flirtatious.
23:03Again, remember, you work for the BBC. Let's not escalate this. Yeah.
23:07I don't want to jump over anything else today. Yeah.
23:11But what about the horse, Jack?
23:19This is a happy horse. Is it?
23:23It's a happy horse, a horse that's pushing its nose forward
23:25and there's a sign that it's feeling friendly and in a good mood.
23:28Why has he got the same haircut as Adolf Hitler?
23:31LAUGHTER
23:33I said it was a happy horse. I didn't say it wasn't a fascist horse.
23:35Right, that's it.
23:36Fair enough. OK?
23:37Fair enough.
23:38What's going on with this nag?
23:40Oh, that's existential despair.
23:43LAUGHTER
23:44That's aggressive, isn't it? That's definitely aggressive.
23:47Yes. Yeah. You can read your horse's pull. Yeah.
23:50Yeah.
23:51The ears are flat, the nostrils are flared.
23:54This horse is furious.
23:56I thought flared nostrils went out in the 70s.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:01They're coming back with short shorts. Yeah.
24:03Short snorts, even.
24:06Yes, exactly.
24:07LAUGHTER
24:09I can't help but we've been led down this path. Yeah.
24:12Naysayers be damned.
24:14LAUGHTER
24:16Time now for the missing words round,
24:18which this week features as its guest publication, Rollerrag.
24:21And we start with...
24:23A violin, a frying pan and a vacuum cleaner.
24:26Walked into a pub. Yeah.
24:27Walked into a pub and the landlord said,
24:29you free a bard. And they said, why?
24:31And he said to the violin, I've got no music licence.
24:33He said to the frying pan, I don't serve food.
24:35And he said to the vacuum cleaner, you suck, all get out.
24:37LAUGHTER
24:39APPLAUSE
24:41I can't give you points for a better answer.
24:45No.
24:46A violin, a frying pan and a vacuum cleaner
24:49are just some of the things you can find in Sydney Airport's lost property.
24:53Why is that in Roller Skating magazine?
24:55Well, it wasn't. No.
24:56LAUGHTER
24:58These items and many more are now going to be auctioned off.
25:01Not sure what will go for the highest price.
25:03Probably the suitcase of a cocaine.
25:05LAUGHTER
25:07Next, what is better than Netflix?
25:10Talking to other human beings?
25:12Don't be stupid.
25:13LAUGHTER
25:14I'm sorry, Richard, that was silly.
25:16That was ridiculous.
25:17The answer...
25:18Is it chilling?
25:19LAUGHTER
25:20You make it sound like a word you've never heard.
25:23LAUGHTER
25:25Well, I have my new ringtone.
25:27LAUGHTER
25:28The answer is...
25:29The answer is...
25:30Watching people argue on a bridge over the river Cognac in Wales...
25:34LAUGHTER
25:35..is better than Netflix.
25:36Yeah.
25:37The bridge in Wales regularly sees motorists argue,
25:40unleashing a foul-mouthed torrent of 16-letter words.
25:43LAUGHTER
25:45Next, Ipswich Town Centre to be improved by what?
25:51Er...
25:52As if it could be improved.
25:53LAUGHTER
25:54Dynamite?
25:55LAUGHTER
25:56Ipswich Town Centre to be improved by...
25:59Installation of portal to another city.
26:02LAUGHTER
26:03What?
26:04That's right.
26:05You're from Ipswich, aren't you?
26:07I'm one of the major sons of Ipswich.
26:10LAUGHTER
26:11Is Ipswich a city?
26:12Because the football team's called Ipswich Town.
26:14Has Ipswich got a cathedral?
26:16Look, I'm feeling very ganged up on right now.
26:19LAUGHTER
26:21I'm from Ipswich.
26:22I've suffered enough.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:25Have you noticed a cathedral in Ipswich?
26:26Norwegian's got one.
26:27Has Ipswich got one?
26:28No.
26:29Ipswich has got fighting spirit.
26:30LAUGHTER
26:31And a lot of...
26:32And a lot of reasonably priced shoe shops.
26:34LAUGHTER
26:35Now, lastly, beginners to the world of roller skating
26:39should remember the saying, what?
26:42It's not the rock in your roll, it's the glide in your slide.
26:45LAUGHTER
26:46What?
26:47CHEERING
26:48Beginners to the world of roller skating should remember the saying,
26:50don't go near the jungle, because to a tiger,
26:52you're mills on wheels.
26:53LAUGHTER
26:55Should remember the saying, you look like a tosser.
26:58LAUGHTER
27:03These are all very good.
27:04Sadly, the answer is...
27:06Yeah.
27:07Beginners to the world of roller skating should remember the saying,
27:09drill it till you kill it.
27:11LAUGHTER
27:12Drill it till you kill it, also being Donald Trump's environmental policy.
27:16LAUGHTER
27:17So, the final scores are, Ian Kelly have seven.
27:21Paul and Jack, eight.
27:23APPLAUSE
27:25But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
27:31Oh, yeah, the animal saying, oi, Attenborough, how do you like it?
27:34LAUGHTER
27:35On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Kelly Cates,
27:40Paul Merton and Jack Dee, and I leave you with news that, in London,
27:42as she arrived for a visit to the Royal Horticultural Society,
27:45the Queen is briefed by her undercover protection team.
27:47LAUGHTER
27:48As a historical re-enactment in Warwick, there's complaints that some participants are overdoing the ornamental cod pieces.
28:03LAUGHTER
28:05And backstage at the TV Quick Awards, two stylists discuss her options after overdoing the temperature setting
28:14on Claudia Winkleman's hairdryer.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:20Good night.
28:22We know you can't wait for the new series.
28:36In the meantime, why not recap all the drama from round one?
28:39Press red for the gold on iPlayer.
28:41Next, it's the morning after the night before and the shame is setting in.
28:45We've all been there.
28:46Stay with us for the power of Parker.