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00:00Hello, I'm Alan Partridge, and I'd like to tell you about a very special place, whether
00:18you know it as East Anglia, the Plomp Peninsula, home of the Broads, although that sounds like
00:26a refuge for fallen prostitutes, Albion's hindquarters, or quite simply the Wales of
00:34the East. This is Norfolk. It's been my home for the best part and best parts of my life,
00:43and I'd like to introduce it to you, and it to you. Over the next hour, in a co-production
00:49with the Norwich Council of Traders, I'll be going on a very emotional journey to discover
00:54who, why, and what I am. A Partridge Pilgrimage, or a Partramage. A Pilgrimartridge. A Partramilgrimage.
01:04Welcome to the Places of My Life.
01:21It's 09.30 a.m., and I'm on my way to work, one of the most important places of my life.
01:28And I do know it as North Norfolk Digital. North Norfolk's best music mix.
01:36When people ask me about my relationship with broadcasting, I give them a very simple answer.
01:39I say, broadcasting doesn't define who I am, nor does it not define who I am, nor does it
01:44define who I'm not. And that seems to satisfy them.
01:50Door-to-door, with a fair wind, and provided I don't need to stop for petrol or toilet, I can
01:55easily make it in under ten minutes. Compare that to the long delays and cattle truck conditions
02:00of London's public transport network, and you may well find yourself laughing out loud.
02:08I like to get to the station early. That way, if any last-minute events occur, I'm able
02:14to incorporate them into the show.
02:17Unbelievable. I've got right-of-way. There's a give-way sign there.
02:24Oh, yeah? And what are you going to do about it? I said, what are you going to do about it?
02:31Yeah? F off. F off.
02:36Ridiculous. I mean, she shouldn't really be riding a bike at her age.
02:45This is my coal face, my canvas, my lathe.
02:49It's funny to think that I see more of the inside of my radio studio than I do of my family,
02:54friends, or any of the birds I've been out with.
02:57Many are surprised by how small the offices of North Norfolk Digital are,
03:00but at 800 square feet, they're larger than the good-quality dentists
03:04and could house a Tesco Express.
03:07Alex!
03:08Yeah?
03:09Hinchcliffe loft conversions.
03:10What about them?
03:11Bumped into Chris Hinch last night at a social function,
03:14said he was VV interested in sponsoring the weather or some such.
03:17Do you want to tell Sally?
03:19Got it. We don't really operate along strictly delineated lines here.
03:23We're all mucking together, which I think is what gives us the edge
03:26over our competitors at Orbital Digital, who don't even have a suggestion box,
03:32whereas ours is for by Thursday.
03:34So much so that there's no room for any other suggestions.
03:37Not even can we have a bigger suggestion box.
03:41So we do encourage ideas from anyone, whatever their starters.
03:48You know, can we have herbal as well as PGT?
03:52Yep.
03:54Should we have a bi-weekly meeting?
03:56A semi-social in which to pool ideas?
03:58Can people please stop using the word obligate as a verb,
04:01where the noun is obligation and the verb is to oblige.
04:05Sting has described my broadcasting style as conversational,
04:08but Ross Kemp nailed it when he said it was equidistant
04:11between chit-chat and analysis.
04:13If you join us, we're just talking about the word obligate.
04:16Not to want to repeat myself, similar to yesterday's discussion
04:20about people mistakenly using the word repulse when they mean repel.
04:24If you find something compulsive, it compels.
04:27If something is propulsive, it propels.
04:29Ergo.
04:30If something is repulsive, it repels.
04:34It doesn't repulse.
04:35This is Amy Mann with her song, If God Was One Of Us,
04:39which she posits the notion of God being just an old man on the bus.
04:43Interesting thought, and anyone who's familiar with late-night public transports
04:47will realise that many of the old unfortunates
04:49do indeed bear a striking resemblance to a scoffy Christ.
04:52Welcome to the places of my life.
05:05The next place of my life is Riverside Leisure Centre.
05:08It's 2.2 miles from North Norfolk Digital,
05:11and boasts a controversial swooped roof.
05:14The space I park in used to be for the disabled,
05:17but after lengthy discussions, I got them to rub out the wheelchair.
05:21A diet rich in tracker bars and olivio
05:24means that I'm able to lead the kind of physically active life
05:27that is simply out of reach for many men of my age,
05:30such as Eamonn Holmes.
05:32Morning.
05:33Great.
05:34I come for a swim here as often as I can.
05:40It's a good way to relax, and if I come early enough,
05:43the water should still be relatively clean.
05:45But no amount of chemicals can counter the chance
05:48that four children in 30 will piss in the pool,
05:51and one in a hundred will go further.
05:53If I'm in a good mood, I'll do breaststroke,
05:56imagining the water as the face of my late mother.
05:59If I'm in a bad mood, angry,
06:01or have let myself down at a social function,
06:03it'll be butterfly, which can look stupid
06:06to people who know nothing about swimming.
06:12Swimming pool hygiene has come on eons since the 1970s
06:16when patrons were forced to walk through the foot equivalent
06:18of a sheep dip.
06:20Suffice to say, I haven't had a Veruca since...
06:26for a decade.
06:29My watch is waterproof.
06:33Now, the swimming pool isn't just a stopgap
06:35while the private gym you belong to is being renovated.
06:38It's actually open to literally anyone
06:40who can cobble together the pretty meagre entrance fee.
06:44From thin bank managers to plump housewives
06:47who gather to float and chat.
06:49Now, I'm joined by Annabelle Swanson,
06:52or should I say Swan Swim?
06:54Now, we're both in a pillow.
06:56Hello.
06:57We're treading water in the swimming pool,
06:58having a conversation.
06:59Why?
07:00Well, Alan, I'm a hydrotherapist.
07:02Which means water doctor, carry on.
07:04Yes, sort of.
07:05I help people to rehabilitate and regain physical fitness.
07:08So, could you swim a length underwater?
07:10Yes.
07:11Yes, so could I.
07:12Now, tell me more about hydrotherapy.
07:14Well, I suppose it first came into prominence
07:16in the early 19th century
07:18when it was known as water cure or hydropathy.
07:21Briefly, I meant.
07:22Oh, well, essentially it's the same as physiotherapy,
07:25except the water offers more resistance
07:27while also cushioning the impact on the joints.
07:29Right.
07:30Because when you try and run in water,
07:31it takes ages.
07:32It's like running in slow motion,
07:34which is why many people,
07:35when they're underwater,
07:36pretend to be in space.
07:37Yes, sort of.
07:38Because swimming is very good for fitness and tone,
07:41which is why professional swimmers seem to have
07:44that lean V-shaped torso.
07:46Yeah.
07:47Sorry, I spat at you.
07:49Go on.
07:50Yeah, which is why swimming might be perfect for you,
07:53because it will give you the muscle tone
07:55that the water provides,
07:56as well as rapid rehabilitation.
07:58I know you've said that before.
08:00Well, also with sports injuries.
08:02Are you all right?
08:03Yeah.
08:04Yeah, I'm absolutely fine.
08:05It reduces and alleviates pain.
08:07Right.
08:08And then also with surgery,
08:10and when you're in the warmth and weightlessness
08:12of a swimming pool,
08:13it helps to recover and recover better.
08:15Yeah.
08:16Now, have you ever had any famous patients?
08:18Yes.
08:19Yes, I've had a few.
08:20Hopefully.
08:21Right.
08:22But presumably, if someone asked you to name them,
08:23you would say...
08:24Um, I don't really want to name patients.
08:26Yeah.
08:27Exactly.
08:28It's patient confidentiality.
08:30Annabelle Swanson,
08:31thanks very much.
08:32Do you want me to just hold this?
08:33Yes.
08:34Where's the side?
08:37You go, careful.
08:38There's a lovely TV.
08:39There we go.
08:40Sorry.
08:41More than prostitutes.
08:46If you like power,
08:47you'll love Norwich City Hall.
08:49It's from here that the regional administration
08:51runs our public services
08:53and doles out cash to the needy and the greedy.
08:56The building was formally opened in 1938
08:59by King George VI,
09:01the stammering monarch made famous by hit movie
09:03The King's Speech.
09:05It's ironic that His Majesty's substandard oratory
09:08and crippling inability to make sense
09:10are mirrored today
09:11by the Labour councillors
09:12who control Norwich City Council.
09:15F-f-f-f-fools.
09:25Dizzy.
09:26These people may all look like retired pirates,
09:30but in actual fact,
09:31they're former Lord Mayors of Norwich.
09:33Now, despite the Norfolk Blacklack,
09:36we're a pretty progressive bunch around here.
09:39Take our current Lord Mayor, for example.
09:41It may surprise you to learn that he is a woman.
09:44We've always believed in giving women
09:46a fair crack of the whip.
09:47Not literally.
09:48That would be a dominatrix,
09:50which we also have in Norwich.
09:52There are currently three of them.
09:54Yeah, about three.
09:56A few years ago, in this very building,
09:59councillors had to summon up every ounce
10:01of their political gumption
10:03to save a city that was on the verge
10:05of being rent asunder.
10:07March 2006,
10:09and the council have proposed to extend
10:10city centre parking fees to beyond 7pm.
10:13Uproar!
10:14The council has hurtled through these corridors,
10:16the air thick,
10:17with argument and counter-argument,
10:19hue and cry.
10:20Bruhaha!
10:21Some said,
10:22it's an essential revenue generator.
10:23Others said,
10:24it'll strangle trade!
10:26The result?
10:27Deadlock.
10:29At that point,
10:31a rogue Lib Dem proposed a compromise.
10:34What if theatres were prepared
10:35to subsidise night-time parking,
10:37and those self-same rates
10:38were suspended from Monday through Wednesday,
10:40resulting in a net gain
10:42for the city's mid-week economy?
10:44And a bloody,
10:45or at least editable, clash
10:47could be averted.
10:49Gentlemen,
10:51do we have a deal?
10:53Yeah!
10:54Parking!
10:55Parking!
10:56Parking!
10:57Night-time parking!
10:59City!
11:00Norwich awoke that morning
11:02to peace.
11:04But it's incredible
11:05to think
11:06so few people know
11:08how close
11:09this city came
11:10to our blanket imposition
11:12of night-time parking fees.
11:14Right.
11:15It's a little known fact
11:16that, had Hitler successfully invaded,
11:18he'd planned to make his victory speech
11:20from Norwich City Hall.
11:22It's easy to see why.
11:23There's a very imposing, brutal quality
11:24to the architecture
11:25that Hitler would have absolutely loved.
11:26Well, it sounds a chill down your spine,
11:27even factoring in the cold day.
11:28It sounds a chill down your spine,
11:29even factoring in the cold day.
11:30Just imagine.
11:31Just imagine.
11:32The
11:40as it is.
11:42It sounds a chill down your spine,
11:43even factoring in the cold day.
11:45Just imagine.
11:47your spine, even factoring in the cold day.
11:56Just imagine.
12:17The more I learn about Hitler, the more I dislike him.
12:43He was mad.
12:47Even the giant copper dogs that flank the entrance to City Hall
12:51seem to be giving some sort of canine Nazi salute,
12:55because there are two of them. Can you see that?
12:58I recently lobbied the council to suggest
13:01that they've changed the gesture to a thumbs-up,
13:04a double thumbs-up, exactly what Norwich needs at the moment.
13:10My next stopping point is just 50 yards away.
13:13Here, in the shadow of the City Hall,
13:15with its imposing balcony and large Nazi dogs,
13:18is Norwich Market.
13:19There's been a market here since the 1100s.
13:23At a pound a year, that would come in just under a cool grand.
13:28And over all those centuries, very little has changed.
13:32Where once there were bear skins and quivers,
13:37just substitute that for monkey hats and tat.
13:42But perhaps the darkest period in its history came in 1349,
13:46when this exact area was visited by the plague.
13:55The Black Death was very much the HIV of its day.
13:59But rather than being transmitted through blood transfusions,
14:02sexual intercourse or heavy kissing, this plague was airborne.
14:07Let me put that in context for you.
14:10Flying AIDS.
14:13Two handfuls of sausage meat, please.
14:18No due.
14:19Today, though, the market is a magnet for tourists,
14:21much improved from days gone by,
14:23when I discovered a snide smurf stuffed with used bandages
14:26and a sock for a hat.
14:29As a tight-knit one, stallholders know anyone stupid enough
14:31to steal from them will be cornered by fellow traders
14:34even before they reach the market's perimeter
14:37and given an absolute pasting.
14:40For me, though, the real pleasure is walking around the food stalls.
14:43Free samples are designed to guilt trip you into a purchase,
14:46but hold your nerve and you can eat the equivalent
14:48of a three-course meal, absolutely free.
14:51And there's FA they can do to stop you.
14:56This should be a lot of fun.
14:59I'm here with Mike Greatbatch
15:00and Mike's going to give me a chance
15:01to have a gut sign some fruit and veg.
15:03Well, if you think you're up to it, Alan.
15:06It's not as easy as it looks, you know.
15:08Well, I think I might have the requisite skills.
15:11What do you reckon, lads?
15:12Do you reckon he's up to it?
15:15Hey, you just keep an eye on managing your old stalls.
15:19What do you reckon, ladies?
15:20Do you reckon he's up to it?
15:21Don't ask them.
15:23I don't know.
15:24Of course I am.
15:25It's menial work.
15:30So all you've got to do, really,
15:31is just keep it, you know, friendly, chatty, light.
15:33Yeah.
15:34A little bit cheeky's okay.
15:35You know, they love all that.
15:36Yeah.
15:37Bottom line, just be yourself.
15:38Okey-do.
15:39Actually thinking about it, probably best not to be yourself.
15:42Wow.
15:44When I had a go at what he'd been doing for the last 25 years, it was one of the easiest things I've ever done in my life.
15:51Twizzle that.
15:52What can I get you, darling?
15:53Do you think you fancy sweet lips?
15:55There you go.
15:56You go careful, then, my love.
15:57Thank you very much.
15:58OK.
16:00All right, sugar tits.
16:02By just being myself, I exchanged produce for cash time and again.
16:06I was particularly good at shifting bananas, some of which were manky.
16:11But I liked Mike.
16:12In many ways, his larger-than-life personality reminded me of the village idiot of centuries gone by.
16:18He would have been well-liked by the locals, the willing subject of their friendly banter.
16:23Gentle joshing.
16:25Could have been his name, actually.
16:27But there was also something about Mike on which I couldn't put my finger.
16:30These stallholders, with their fast and loose approach to grammar, in particular their cavalier use of apostrophes,
16:37were clearly people living on the very fringes of society.
16:42Without the market stall to occupy him, one shudders to think what sinister activities Mike would have been drawn to.
16:49Perhaps he'd be selling knock-off Teletubbies stuffed with old tampons.
16:55Welcome to the places of my life.
17:00As fun as it is to shop at the market, my statutory rights are important to me, so I like to do most of my shopping here, at news and magazines.
17:13Asif, how are you diddling?
17:17If you get Guardian, you get a free bottle of water.
17:20Yep, but you also get the Guardian.
17:23How's things?
17:25We chat about everything, from people to politics, from perishables to pornography.
17:29More specialist, challenging, niche material at the top.
17:34I sometimes feel that I get more out of the conversation than he does.
17:38And both legs.
17:39It's been a tough ten years for Muslim-Christian relations, but for me and Atif, it's never been a problem.
17:44The worst that happens is I get slightly overcharged for snacks and gum, and I think that speaks volumes for race relations.
17:51OK.
17:53Ta-ta.
17:54I'm halfway through my Norfolk odyssey, but if you've just joined us, it'll still make sense.
18:05Kids like to go to the zoo, but the beasts I like to look at are made from zinc-galvanised steel, their cars.
18:10Good morning, computer. Can you synchronise the dual temperature controls?
18:24Computer, can you synchronise the dual temperature controls?
18:29You know it's not voice-activated.
18:32Well, why did you just let me say it twice?
18:34I thought you were joking.
18:38I was.
18:42Twice.
18:43Twice.
18:45The next places of my life are Norfolk's 20-plus car dealerships, and whether you buy British or you have a short memory and are happy to buy Japanese, there's a car for everyone.
18:55You've got options, so, I mean, if you want to drive a full automatic and let the car do the work, you can do that.
19:01If you prefer semi-automatic, you just knock that to the left, and then use the paddles that you'll see on either side of the steering wheel.
19:08Right hand side, up, up, up. Left hand side, down, down, down, like you'd find on a motorbike.
19:12Paddle shift.
19:14I was thinking of test driving the turbo diesel...
19:18This is a turbo diesel.
19:19I know, not let me finish.
19:21The turbo diesel V8.
19:23In the full-size Range Rover.
19:25No, in the Range Rover Sport.
19:27Yeah, the TD V8's been discontinued in the Sport.
19:30Right.
19:31You can still get it, but it's only in the full-size Range Rover.
19:32That's annoying.
19:34It's funny how many people seem to assume that the TD V6 would lag behind the TD V8.
19:38Is that funny?
19:39When actually, the increased power output of the TG...
19:42The TG?
19:43The TG V8.
19:44The TG V8.
19:45Now that is funny.
19:46Sorry, you were saying it.
19:47The TG V6 has increased power output, which means the difference between that and the TG V8 is negligible.
19:53Yeah, but I mean the TD V6 doesn't have the sound of the V8.
19:57So, if you do want to go off-road, of course, that's child's play as well.
19:58Previous models would have had a differential lock.
19:59That's all taken care of now.
20:00Think of the past.
20:01Well, it's still got a differential lock.
20:02It's still got a differential lock.
20:03No, it's automatic these days.
20:04No.
20:05But it's still got a diff lock.
20:06No.
20:07But it's still got a diff lock.
20:08I'm saying that it doesn't have the lever anymore.
20:09Yeah, well, it may not have the lever, but it's still got a differential lock.
20:10It's just deployed electronically.
20:11Where is it used to be manual?
20:12Yeah.
20:13Yeah, manual or automatic.
20:14It's...
20:15Yeah, manual or automatic.
20:16This car's got a differential lock.
20:18I later discovered this car does not have a differential lock, but actually uses a traction
20:35control system where a spinning wheel is braked by an off-road.
20:40wheel is braked by an onboard computer, so effectively we were both right.
20:46Still, there's peace of mind in knowing that if you do want to go off-road, she won't let you down, you know.
20:51Hey, don't drive with that girl.
20:58Welcome to the places of my life.
21:03I've come here to St Michael's in Sheringham, a beautiful yet typical proddy gothic church.
21:10It was in this very church that a baby Alan Partridge was lowered into the font and christened.
21:15It's always concerned me that fellow Christians subject their young to this gentle form of waterboarding,
21:20but it's one of God's rules.
21:23I'm joined by the Reverend Richard Hatcher.
21:26Reverend, there is the rather lazy stereotype of a graveyard as being somewhere that we're familiar with from horror films
21:35where a hand may emerge from a grave and grab the ankle of an innocent student on holiday.
21:43Hmm.
21:44Graveyards are places that are charged with meaning.
21:50I mean, I know your parents are both buried here.
21:53Yeah. Well, they died, so...
21:55I buried them.
21:56So, of course, their graves and all the graves here, they are...
22:01They are symbols of...
22:03..of a life lived, a collection of memories.
22:20Yeah, yeah.
22:21And graves are keepers of stories untold.
22:28Great name for an album, Keepers of Stories Untold.
22:31Can I ask you a question?
22:33If you were told quite forcefully to draw a soul, what form would it take, do you think?
22:44Be a requisite. Don't speed it up in your heart.
22:47Well, the soul is inside us.
22:49I always imagine a soul, strangely, to be like a badly poached egg,
22:54so that the yolk, the centre, is intact,
22:58but the albumum, the outer sole, if you like, is long and stringy.
23:03Erm, another way of looking at it is a very small ballerina
23:07with a large lace cloak.
23:09Erm, similar thing.
23:11Those are two good ones. Do you have any?
23:12I don't know that it's enormously helpful to dwell on the physical.
23:17I agree. I don't dwell on it. I just talk about it sometimes.
23:21Erm, but it is a lovely, very well-maintained graveyard.
23:25Well, I think it's important that we do keep it well-maintained.
23:29Erm, I mean, of course, you know, it's important that the graveyard doesn't become, erm...
23:39Quicker becker.
23:41Erm, some kind of shrine for people that have, erm, that have passed on.
23:48Yeah.
23:49But, erm, at the same time, I... I think, erm...
23:56I think a cemetery should be a place of quiet reflection,
23:59you know, away from all the hustle and bustle.
24:01A haven of tranquillity.
24:02Thank you very much indeed.
24:03Thank you, Alan.
24:04OK. OK.
24:07Can we tighten that up?
24:09Where's he gone? Where's he going?
24:15What an odd man.
24:19Are we absolutely sure he's a local vicar?
24:28He's not going back to the vicarage, he's just walking off.
24:35Should really be in, er...
24:37Alphabetical order.
24:40There's just time for a quick look at my parents' graves...
24:43Found them!
24:43..before I saddle up and hit the road.
24:49The word great has lost a lot of its meaning over the years,
24:51which I think is rather sad.
24:52And we use it to describe anything from a bowl of Frosties
24:54to the town of Yarmouth.
24:55But there was a time when the word great had real meaning.
24:58The Great Wall of China, Alexander the Great.
25:00The Great War, Great Yarmouth.
25:02But when I describe the Norfolk countryside as being the great outdoors, I'm being every bit as serious as the Pride of Britain awards.
25:15With my working day over by 2pm, I'm free to enjoy some pleasing solitude in the Norfolk countryside.
25:28For some, Thetford Forest means dogging or suicide, but I'm old school, and I'm off for a walk.
25:43Like my avian namesake, a partridge, I'm a non-migratory creature and can be found enjoying the British outdoors 24-7, 52-12-365.
25:57I've found a golf ball that's been chewed by a fox.
26:03I must have thought it was an egg or something.
26:06When I'm walking in the countryside, I normally like to use a stick, but rather than buy one of those aluminium ones made in China by kids,
26:17I buy a British one made in Britain by trees.
26:21It's very simple, really. If you want a walking stick, you just simply find somewhere like this.
26:27It's going to be snap away in the excess branches. Very simple.
26:32And then, that one's a bit too big, which would look like Moses, so I don't want that, because I'm not Moses.
26:38So, simply get it inside of me. I just very simply jump against it.
26:42Like that.
26:44It's fine. Pulling over's fine.
26:46It'll only happen once, because now I've got a stick. Still a bit too long.
26:48I'll put it there again, and just do it one more time.
26:54Too short.
26:59There.
27:00You can give that one to a child.
27:02Just throw it away.
27:03This one, absolutely, absolutely perfect.
27:10It's out here in the countryside. I come up with some of my best ideas.
27:14Over there, beneath the lightning tree, I was caught in a freak storm.
27:18Of course, I immediately lay down in the field to make sure I was not the path of least resistance, should lightning decide to strike.
27:25And it was there, whilst spread-eagled in the field, beneath the rain, wet, but warm and safe, that I came up with the idea of league tables for lollipop ladies.
27:35On further investigation, I was shocked to discover that anyone who's not a registered sex offender can become a lollipop lady.
27:42Even men.
27:42The only people who should be able to command a vehicle to stop should be the army in times of national emergency and traffic lights.
27:49And yet we're handing this power over to people who are little more than retired dinner ladies.
27:54It has to improve or stop.
27:56I've been an admirer of trees all my life.
28:04As a boy, I used to walk up to a simple field maple and look at it, much like this child actor did to this substitute tree four weeks ago.
28:12I love trees, and whilst I'm no tree hugger, I think that's inappropriate, from time to time I am tempted to pat one on the back.
28:22A tree doesn't judge, doesn't criticise your clothes, or bring up poor viewing figures.
28:27If you politely refuse to sign an autograph for its sister-in-law who's recovering from an operation, a tree won't pull a face.
28:33A tree is like a kindly old uncle that seems to say, come, climb on me, let me cradle you with one of my many arms.
28:44Yes, my hair may fall out every autumn, but it grows back in the spring.
28:50You're not going to believe this.
28:52There's a tree up here that looks like a giant spider.
28:56You expect many things in the countryside, but one of the things you rarely expect is to have a good old laugh at giant trees.
29:11After two hours yomping through the lush vegetation of central Norfolk, I'm physically exhausted.
29:18When I return to my car, I'll sleep for 15 minutes before turning on the engine and driving home, where I'll have another nap before feeding.
29:26Outstanding.
29:27Outstanding.
29:56You don't need to have seen the first three quarters of this programme to enjoy the last quarter of my Norfolk Odyssey.
30:02To the untrained eye, the people of Norwich can seem a little aimless, but beneath the surface, the city is teeming with clubs and societies.
30:11I belong to one.
30:12If you think I play bridge with local widows, get ready to be shocked.
30:16Ice-ky.
30:20And if you think living in England's flatest county is going to stop me, you're just bloody wrong.
30:26Oh, and by the way, if you think I come here just for the skiing, you're just bloody wrong.
30:56It's about people.
30:58It's always about people.
31:00I don't steal the thing.
31:02What are you doing here?
31:11Right, I'm off.
31:12Just finish the two cheesy dippers.
31:14One each.
31:15See you around, guys.
31:17Bye.
31:17Bye.
31:17Bye.
31:18Another morning, another show, and a chance for me to use the comfortable kitchen and seating areas that North Norfolk Digital provide by law.
31:37It's all pretty informal, which means it's a good place to chill out and chat or just chill out.
31:41Good morning.
31:45Morning.
31:57Hello.
31:58Hi.
31:59Did you hear the show yesterday?
32:00Yeah.
32:03Anything good?
32:05I like the voice of the food processor a bit.
32:09Yeah.
32:09That was funny.
32:10I was going to rehearse it, and then I ran out of time.
32:13I thought, just do it.
32:14Go for it.
32:15See what happens.
32:15You know, okay, so-ra, so-ra, et cetera.
32:18I just came out with it.
32:19Yeah, it worked well.
32:31Anything else?
32:35Yeah, it was just sort of a solid, good show.
32:38Excellent.
32:38All right, see you later, yeah?
32:39Good.
32:40Good, ma'am.
32:41If you feel a producer isn't particularly forthcoming, the explanation is frequently that,
32:49um, there's trouble at home.
32:51Um, I remember when I was at, uh, North, no, Radio Norwich, actually, one of the producers,
32:58uh, particularly, incredibly reticent, it, it turned out he was being beaten at home by
33:03his mother.
33:05Um, and this guy was in his thirties, either that or she, uh, sneaked up on him unawares with
33:11a snooker ball in a sock, um, more likely an onion in, um, uh, in a stocking, one of those
33:19orange fishnet stockings that onions wear.
33:23Welcome to the places of my life.
33:35Interesting fact about Norfolk is it has more deciduous trees than any other county in Britain,
33:40primarily because they're, uh, on private estates, and if you were caught chopping one
33:44down a couple of hundred years ago, they'd hang you from it.
33:49Presumably, if you saw them coming, you'd have to, uh, chop like mad.
33:53The tree fell down before they could, um, hang you.
34:01So they'll just hang you from another tree.
34:02Oh my god.
34:13It's, uh, an old teacher of mine.
34:16But he was dead.
34:20Wow.
34:21Mr. Crag.
34:22Call him.
34:24Crag-a-toa.
34:25That's right.
34:26There was temper.
34:29Wait, just, I did some bits of.
34:32It's Muslim!
34:34Mr. Crag!
34:36It's Muslim!
34:45Be young!
35:15I was pleased that a chance encounter with a former teacher allowed us both to catch up and clear the air.
35:26Old Kragatoa could be a bit of a bully, but he knew his onions chemistry-wise.
35:31Without him, words like magnesium alloy or copper sulphate would be as meaningless to me as made-up ones, like koolm or breezed.
35:39You real cunt.
35:39Some people like to place cars in documentaries to try and get a free one, but I'm genuinely just out for a test drive.
35:49I love this tan interior.
35:51Yeah, it's nice.
35:52Someone's taken a bar of caramac and melted this over the interior.
35:57A big one.
35:58Yeah, which is excellent.
35:59I've always liked the tan interior. It's like sort of a girl in a bikini.
36:04Sexy.
36:05Sexy, yeah. As if the interior's been on holiday.
36:09Yeah, south of France or somewhere.
36:11Yeah, or Kool-Fu, guaranteed sunshine.
36:13Which is, er, come back all sun-kissed.
36:19Or it's mixed race.
36:21Oh, hang on.
36:24Quickly learn.
36:26Hang on a second. Can we take this car off-road?
36:28We don't really go off-road on test drives.
36:30I'll call your boss.
36:33Hello?
36:35What?
36:36Oh, that's ridiculous. They can't move it forward like that.
36:38Why? Why are they doing that?
36:40Why don't you ask?
36:41Um, I'm doing a test drive with Alan Partridge.
36:43Lynn, you're my first line of defence.
36:46You just rolled over.
36:47Alan Partridge.
36:47Let them tickle your belly.
36:49Alan Partridge.
36:51No, Lynn.
36:52He's been a presenter on North Norfolk Digital.
36:55Well, your problem is you want everyone to like you, even administrative staff.
37:01Oh, we're getting the new demonstration on Monday.
37:04Well, I don't know what to do now, Lynn.
37:07Good money, mate. Home run.
37:10Don't say that.
37:11I'm already worried as it is.
37:12Your bedside manner is atrocious.
37:13Don't ever become a doctor.
37:15Not that you're likely to.
37:16The six years of medical school take you, what, 70 years old?
37:20I'm not the only person that you examine is yourself, and God knows what you'll find.
37:23Um, 3.30 right now.
37:27I'll pop with myself tomorrow.
37:30No, don't.
37:30Just test driving the new Range Rover.
37:33No, it's not a Freelander, Lynn.
37:38Um, yeah, he says it's fine to go off-road.
37:40No, I just want to go back to the dealership.
37:42Really?
37:42I thought you were quite keen to...
37:43Oh, no, I just want to drive on ordinary roads.
37:53Sometimes come here and find myself staring for what seems like ages.
37:57I remember on one occasion, I thought at least an hour had passed.
38:04When I looked down at my watch, it had only been 45 minutes.
38:07I like to come here sometimes and, uh, stand one side of the fence and look at all those
38:16sheep on the other side of the fence.
38:19And, uh, I like to imagine each one of them as various people who've, uh, who wronged me
38:26in the past.
38:32And I was in there grazing by that tree.
38:36That one over there.
38:37I was born in the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Kings Lynn, and so I often like to pay a visit to the similar but private
39:06hospital in Norwich to rub shoulders with top medical specialists, some of whom are British.
39:11I was, um, I was thinking about those TV commercials, the one about, uh, 40 years ago.
39:26It's one of those ones for, uh, Pepsi and Coke, you know.
39:30Can you, can you, can you tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke?
39:36And I, this morning I just thought, who gives a shit?
39:41Remember what, what, what, what a colossal waste of everyone's time.
39:53I'll, I'll, I'll, Chris, I'll be, uh, I'll be a few minutes.
39:56Oh, what's the truck, guys?
40:15Cash.
40:16Cash.
40:17You'll have that later.
40:18I'm all right.
40:19Thanks.
40:20Oh, I'm starving.
40:21Absolutely.
40:22As important as all these places are, when I want to blow away the cobwebs or celebrate good news, there's only one thing I like to do.
40:31I get locked down, but I get on again, you're never gonna keep me down.
40:35I get locked down, but I get on again, you're never gonna keep me down.
40:40There are places that mean a lot to me, but none more so than my friend Peter's Field, a patch of prime off-road terrain that's been vacant since his horses died in 2010.
40:50Yeah.
40:51I bomb around it as often as car salesmen allow, with Peter's permission, I might add, unlike the driver in 2010.
40:59I get locked down, but I get locked down.
41:12Those are the places of my life.
41:14They're who I am.
41:16Without them, I'd be a turtle with no shell, a songbird with no voice, a partridge with no Alan.
41:24Goodbye.
41:26Listen in the light of rain
41:30Listen in the light of rain
41:32Listen in the light of rain
41:40Whoa, whoa, whoa.
41:42You dropped off?
41:43Yeah.
41:44I think you dropped off there.
41:45Dropped off.
41:46Sorry.
41:56Down in the meadow where the wind will squee
41:59In the middle of a field sound the lightning tree
42:01This living's all torn from the day it was born
42:03For the tree was born in a thunderstorm
42:06Grow, grow, the lightning tree
42:08It's never too late for you and me
42:10Grow, grow, the lightning tree
42:13We've never given it too easily
42:15In the middle of a bird
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