- 1 day ago
Desperate Housewives Season 2 Episode 18
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Short filmTranscript
00:02Previously on Desperate Housewives
00:04If Libby here likes us as much as we like her,
00:06we should just go ahead and move to adopt her baby girl.
00:09Who's the father?
00:10Honestly, I don't know.
00:11Carlos and Gabby made a deal.
00:13I did remarry my ex, but it was only because he has great health insurance.
00:17Susan made amends.
00:18You know, I never thought I'd have such a good time
00:19hanging out with my girlfriend and her husband.
00:22And Mike.
00:23Didn't she mention we dated?
00:24Made a confession.
00:26Liar!
00:26You've just been leading me on.
00:27You're obviously still in love with this guy.
00:28Of his own.
00:32On her first day of sobriety, Brie Vandekamp found an old cork,
00:37which reminded her just how much she craved Chablis.
00:41So she called her sponsor, who came over with a DVD,
00:46which they watched till her craving had passed.
00:50Five days later, after she'd developed a thirst for Merlot,
00:54Peter arrived with a deck of cards.
00:56The next week, he brought over Chinese takeout because Brie had told him
01:01she was consumed by thoughts of vintage Chardonnay.
01:05By her 20th day of sobriety, Brie had stopped thinking about alcohol altogether
01:11because her thoughts were now centered elsewhere.
01:20I'm curious, Peter.
01:21What is the easiest way to overcome addiction?
01:24Well, some folks try shock therapy, others use hypnosis,
01:29but taking it one day at a time still makes the most sense to me.
01:33Why?
01:34I don't know.
01:34I guess I'm just impatient to get on with my life.
01:43What are you doing?
01:44I'm just giving you a little kiss.
01:47Why?
01:48Well, it's just my way of saying thank you
01:50for everything you've done for me over the past few weeks.
01:55What's wrong?
01:57This is going to seem like it's coming out of left field,
01:59but in addition to being a recovering alcoholic,
02:01I'm also a member of SA.
02:06Sex Addict Synonymous?
02:12Oh, and that's a real thing?
02:15Yes, and sex is as much an addiction for me as booze.
02:19That's why when you turn me on like that,
02:20it's a bit of a problem.
02:21It's just a peck on the cheek.
02:23It doesn't matter.
02:24The slightest touch gets my juices flowing.
02:29So how long has it been since you...
02:32A year.
02:34They have this rule, plant, pet, person.
02:36If I can keep a plant alive,
02:38you know, then I can move on to a pet.
02:40And if I can make that work,
02:42then I can start dating again.
02:45So how are you doing?
02:46I'm on my fourth ficus.
02:48Oh.
02:59See?
03:00I think you can handle affection
03:02better than you give yourself credit for.
03:19I'm sorry.
03:20Um, I think I should go.
03:22Really?
03:23Yeah.
03:23Peter, what?
03:24But you forgot your shirt!
03:28Keep it!
03:31Though she didn't know it,
03:33Brie had answered her own question.
03:36The easiest way to overcome one addiction
03:39is to replace it with another.
03:53It's the name of a well-known establishment
03:55on the outskirts of Fairview.
03:58Its clientele is devoted.
04:01Everyone who goes there
04:03wants to get their hands on something.
04:06And when they cross a line...
04:08Hey!
04:09I warned you, pal.
04:10They are punished.
04:13As a certain married couple
04:15was about to discover.
04:17Hi.
04:18You want a lap dance?
04:23Uh...
04:23No, thanks.
04:25No.
04:28I sure hope Libby likes this camera.
04:32Well, why wouldn't she?
04:33It's exactly what she asked for.
04:34The most expensive one in the store.
04:36Yeah, I'm telling you, Carlos,
04:37I'm getting really tired
04:38of kissing her ass.
04:39The woman is giving us her baby.
04:41We'll kiss whatever needs kissing.
04:45What the hell are you guys doing here?
04:48We brought you this gift,
04:49and you said that you didn't want us
04:51coming by your house.
04:52Thanks, but I'm working,
04:53so you gotta go.
04:54Look, we spent a lot of money on that.
04:56The least you can do is open it
04:57so we can bask in your happy expression.
05:00Is there a problem here?
05:02No, we're just talking,
05:03and everything's fine.
05:05Carlos Solis, my wife Gabrielle,
05:07we're friends of Libby's.
05:09Oh, hey, I'm Frank,
05:10Libby's boyfriend.
05:12Huh.
05:13Libby, you didn't tell us
05:15you had a boyfriend.
05:16Didn't I?
05:17I thought I had.
05:18What's that?
05:19A present for our baby?
05:23I'm sorry,
05:24did you just say our baby?
05:26Yeah.
05:27It's our first.
05:31Hey.
05:33What's for lunch?
05:35Omelets.
05:35You want me to make you one?
05:36No, thank you.
05:37I'll just pick yours.
05:39I didn't know you still had a key, Dad.
05:41Of course I do.
05:42I have to watch out
05:42for my two favorite ladies.
05:44Try the cheese.
05:44That's the best part.
05:45Hmm.
05:47You mean two of your
05:47three favorite ladies.
05:51You know,
05:52when you add an Edie.
05:54Right.
05:54Of course.
05:55Speaking of Edie,
05:56I have some big news.
05:58I finally did it.
05:59I popped the question.
06:01Oh, congratulations, Dad.
06:03Yeah, congratulations.
06:05Um,
06:06what happened to
06:07waiting six months?
06:08Edie and I
06:09aren't getting married tomorrow.
06:10It takes months
06:11to plan a classy wedding.
06:14Remember ours?
06:15You had to have it outdoors.
06:17Ugh.
06:19It poured.
06:20I could have murdered
06:21that weatherman.
06:22We were all crammed
06:24under this little
06:24gazebo thingy.
06:26It was hysterical.
06:27I thought the whole
06:27wedding day was ruined.
06:28I loved it.
06:29I felt spontaneous.
06:31All our friends
06:32gathered close
06:34around us.
06:35Hmm.
06:36I remember.
06:38You said it was
06:39the happiest day
06:40of your life.
06:46Just like you
06:47marrying Edie
06:48will be the happiest
06:49day of her life.
06:52Yeah.
06:52Right.
06:53Her too.
06:55Toodles.
07:02Oh, hi.
07:04Hello.
07:05Andrew said it was
07:06all right for me
07:07to get a cream soda.
07:09Ah, sure.
07:10Help yourself.
07:11There's also frosted
07:12glasses in the freezer.
07:13Can is fine,
07:14but thank you.
07:15Oh, and, uh,
07:16I left a list for you
07:17of the witnesses
07:18we'll be deposing.
07:19It's, uh,
07:19they're on the counter.
07:33Hi.
07:35Hey.
07:38I know that
07:39you're still angry
07:40with me,
07:40and, um,
07:42I wanted to tell you
07:44that I have, um,
07:47joined a recovery
07:48program.
07:50AA.
07:52I just wanted
07:53you to know that.
07:55and to tell you
07:56I'm sorry.
07:58You are
08:00a real friend,
08:01and I value
08:01your honesty.
08:05Oh, I don't
08:06want to be mad
08:06anymore.
08:08And I'm so happy
08:09to hear all that,
08:10and I am so proud
08:11of you.
08:12Oh, thanks,
08:12but I'm not really
08:13out of the woods yet.
08:14I still have this
08:14whole court case
08:16hanging over my head.
08:17I heard about that.
08:18Andrew's asking
08:18to be emancipated?
08:20Yes, and his lawyer
08:21is taking depositions now
08:22to see if I am
08:23a fit parent.
08:24Right.
08:26And considering
08:26that mishap
08:28that I had
08:28with your kids,
08:29I imagine
08:30he'll be anxious
08:30to talk to you.
08:32That makes sense,
08:33I guess.
08:34Yeah.
08:36Do you have any idea
08:37what you might say?
08:40I, um,
08:46I'll focus on
08:47your good qualities.
08:51I could not ask
08:52for anything more.
08:54Thanks.
08:55See you around,
08:56I hope.
08:56All right.
08:58That's not why
08:59you came to apologize,
09:00is it?
09:02What do you mean?
09:04To soften me up
09:05for the deposition?
09:07Of course not.
09:12Um,
09:14I just want you
09:16to understand something.
09:18Andrew is making
09:19accusations,
09:21false accusations,
09:22saying that I abused him.
09:25all because I wouldn't
09:26let him have his
09:27trust fund early
09:27so he could buy
09:28a car.
09:30I mean,
09:31can you blame me
09:31for wanting to know
09:32if I have your support?
09:35And,
09:36so,
09:37what?
09:39You want me to lie?
09:40Make you look good?
09:45I actually don't want
09:46anything of the sort.
09:49Good.
09:51Because
09:51when I give my deposition,
09:53I'm going to tell the truth.
10:09to what do I owe
10:09this pleasure?
10:10I want you to look
10:11at something.
10:18Myra Holt
10:19is talking
10:19to Paul Young,
10:21chatting away
10:21with him
10:22as though he were
10:22any other neighbor.
10:23Now, I told her
10:24he killed my sister.
10:25I mentioned it to her
10:26six months ago
10:27when we were standing
10:27at the express line
10:28at the market.
10:29But still,
10:29there she is,
10:31yucking away.
10:32Oh, Mike.
10:34I'm afraid
10:35people's memories
10:36aren't what they used to be.
10:38What do you want,
10:39Felicia?
10:40I want to see
10:41how good your memory is.
10:42If you recall
10:43a certain promise
10:44you made to me.
10:46I am not going
10:46to kill him.
10:47Why not?
10:48Give me one good reason.
10:49Because things have changed.
10:50How?
10:51My sister still lies
10:52rotting in the ground.
10:54So does Deirdre.
10:54Now, I don't see
10:55how anything's changed
10:56at all.
10:57You're just going
10:57to have to let this go.
10:59Sounds to me
11:00as though someone's
11:00let go of his rage.
11:03Maybe I have.
11:05Well, I haven't.
11:11That bitch of a stripper
11:12lied to us.
11:13The father's totally
11:14in the dark.
11:14He clearly wants
11:15to keep the baby.
11:16Mr. Solis,
11:18if the father wants
11:19to assert his rights here,
11:20there's nothing
11:21we can do.
11:22I'll find you
11:22another baby.
11:23I promise.
11:24I don't want
11:24another baby.
11:25I want this one.
11:26Honey, he's right.
11:27Okay, that trashy girl
11:28has been lying to us
11:29from the get-go.
11:29Let's just walk away
11:30while we can.
11:31It's not worth it.
11:32Don't get cold feet
11:33now, Gabby.
11:34Please.
11:35All right?
11:35Let's just pay Frank
11:36the way we paid Libby
11:37and then bring the baby home.
11:38Wait, wait, wait.
11:40You paid Libby?
11:41He said we could give her gifts.
11:43Everybody loves getting cash.
11:47I could probably
11:48be disbarred
11:48for even listening to this.
11:50I cannot condone
11:51baby buying
11:52and I sure as hell
11:54can't be part of it.
11:54Oh, Mr. Beal, come on.
11:55No, no, hear me out.
11:57If you are determined
11:59to go down this dark road
12:01and unbeknownst to me
12:01steal this
12:03paternal rights waiver
12:04that's sitting on my desk
12:05and have this Frank guy
12:06sign both sides
12:07and date the top,
12:09I can't be part of that either.
12:14Hmm.
12:19Okay, I'm going to go to Dad's.
12:21Oh, wait.
12:21Why don't you let me walk with you?
12:23Uh, shouldn't you be resting?
12:25No, I'm fine.
12:26The doctor said
12:27I should actually
12:27keep my blood flowing.
12:29Well, do you have to do it
12:29while we walk over to Edie's?
12:31I just,
12:32I don't want to risk
12:33you running into Dad.
12:36Okay.
12:37You guys have just been
12:38so chummy lately
12:39and this whole flirting thing
12:41is kind of freaking me out.
12:42Wait a second.
12:43We're not flirting.
12:45Mom, you've had him
12:46eggs with your fork.
12:48Okay, yes.
12:50I am closer to your father
12:52than I have been in the past.
12:53The bitter hatred
12:54is now settled
12:55into a respectful disgust.
12:57That's the kind of thing
12:58most children of divorce
12:59dream about.
13:05Hey, Edie.
13:06What's all this stuff for?
13:07Oh, hi.
13:10Don't tell anyone,
13:10but I'm planning a huge
13:11surprise for Carl.
13:12A surprise?
13:14Yeah, I'm putting together
13:15an engagement party
13:16tomorrow afternoon.
13:17Oh, cool.
13:18So that's not the surprise.
13:20Actually,
13:21it's going to be
13:22a surprise wedding.
13:26I know.
13:27My Pilates teacher
13:28got ordained
13:28over the Internet.
13:29The Church of the Divine
13:31something or other.
13:33Not sure.
13:34Anyway,
13:35it's all legal
13:35and, well,
13:36just one more day
13:37before I make
13:38an honest man
13:38out of your daddy.
13:45Oh,
13:46you're so sweet.
13:47Thank you so much
13:48for your good wishes.
13:51Oh,
13:52no, Edie,
13:53wait.
13:53No,
13:54it's just that,
13:54you know,
13:55I was married to Carl
13:56and I used to
13:57try to surprise him
13:59and he would always,
14:00always,
14:01always say,
14:03no,
14:03Susan,
14:04don't surprise me.
14:05I don't like it.
14:07Whatever.
14:08I'm doing it,
14:09so keep your trap shut.
14:11And if you'll excuse me,
14:12I've got to go
14:13and buy a wedding dress.
14:15Oh,
14:16and by the way,
14:16I'll be wearing white,
14:17so that'll be a surprise
14:19for everybody.
14:26I don't know
14:27why I have
14:27to get dragged
14:27into this.
14:29What happened
14:30with my kids
14:30has nothing to do
14:32with Brie's situation
14:33with Andrews,
14:33said.
14:34Well,
14:35it's my understanding
14:36that real harm
14:37could have come
14:38to your children
14:38as a direct result
14:39of your friend's behavior.
14:41I'm sorry,
14:42Mr. Bromanis,
14:42but I'm not going
14:43to testify.
14:44It just doesn't
14:44feel right to me.
14:46Well,
14:46this isn't the first time
14:47someone's felt
14:48the way you do.
14:50So,
14:51this isn't the first time
14:52I've had to say
14:53that if you refuse
14:55to give a deposition
14:55of your own accord,
14:57I'll compel you
14:58to give one.
15:03But I'm sure
15:03I won't have to.
15:13You're saying
15:14Brie did this?
15:15Well,
15:16under the influence.
15:19I understand
15:20your reluctance
15:21to turn on a friend,
15:23but this isn't
15:23about you.
15:24It's about Andrew.
15:27Don't you think
15:28he's suffered enough?
15:37How much
15:38are you going
15:38to give him?
15:39I figured we could
15:40start with $40.
15:41$1,000?
15:43He's a bouncer
15:44in a strip club.
15:45Offer him $8.
15:46He's not going
15:47to sell his baby
15:47for $8,000.
15:49Are we talking
15:49about the same idiot?
15:51I think for $8,000,
15:52you throw in a kidney.
15:53I'm not going
15:53to blow this
15:54by bargain hunting.
15:55That's your problem,
15:56Carlos.
15:57Remember when
15:57you bought your car,
15:58you paid sticker.
15:59Nobody pays sticker.
15:59Okay, and what's
16:00the sticker price
16:00on a child, huh?
16:01Tell me that.
16:03I'm thinking $12.
16:08Frank,
16:08you have to sign
16:09the paper.
16:09I made a deal
16:10with these people.
16:11A deal?
16:12This isn't a used car
16:13we're talking about.
16:14It's our baby.
16:15Before you screw
16:16this up,
16:17just remember
16:17that I can go
16:18to the cops
16:18and tell them
16:19about the pot farm
16:20you have going
16:20on in our basement.
16:24It's just
16:24a couple plants.
16:26You know,
16:26I don't do it
16:27for profit.
16:28It's a hobby,
16:29mostly.
16:30Oh, come on, Frank.
16:31You know you
16:31would be a lousy father.
16:33It's my kid,
16:34and I have a right
16:35to mess her up
16:35if I want.
16:36And if you go
16:37near the police,
16:37I'll tell them
16:38how you've been
16:38stealing all those
16:39tips from Sheila.
16:41Okay, we're done.
16:44Gabby, Gabby,
16:45now just hold on.
16:46Now, maybe there's
16:47a way that we
16:48can work this out
16:49together.
16:50There's nothing
16:51to work out.
16:52If Frank is not
16:52on board with this,
16:53it's over.
16:54Wait, uh,
16:55it doesn't matter
16:56what he wants.
16:58Why not?
17:00Because it's
17:00not your baby.
17:04That's a lie.
17:06What if I take
17:06a paternity test?
17:07Will that shut you up?
17:08Wait, if it's not Frank's,
17:09then whose is it?
17:11I'm not sure.
17:13All I know
17:14is I got pregnant
17:15right after I worked
17:16at the Calgary Rodeo,
17:17and I was very popular
17:19there.
17:20So what are you saying?
17:22You screwed a bunch
17:22of cowboys?
17:24You have your hobbies,
17:27and I have mine.
17:33You think this is funny?
17:35Oh, don't you get it?
17:37We just got our baby back.
17:50Well, you take care now.
18:00I got your message
18:02that you wanted to see me
18:03before the meeting started.
18:05Yeah, I did.
18:07There's someone
18:08I'd like to introduce you to.
18:11Bree, this is Donna.
18:14Donna, this is Bree.
18:16What's up?
18:16Hi.
18:17Donna is going to be
18:18your new sponsor.
18:21I don't want a new sponsor.
18:23I'm very comfortable
18:25working with you.
18:28This was always just
18:30a temporary arrangement,
18:32and given what happened
18:33the other night,
18:34I think it's best
18:34if we just end this now.
18:36Peter, all we did
18:38was kiss.
18:42We'd be kidding ourselves
18:44if we didn't think
18:45that whatever's between us
18:47isn't going to affect
18:48our recovery.
18:49It's not a good time
18:51for change in my life, Peter.
18:53Terrible things are happening.
18:54I'm headed to court.
18:56I need your support
18:57now more than ever.
18:59You'll have support, Bree.
19:01It just won't be mine.
19:03But, Peter...
19:08Oh, Bree could never
19:09have done that.
19:10I'm just telling you
19:11what the lawyer said.
19:12So you think Bree
19:14punched Andrew in the face?
19:15Because I don't.
19:16I don't either,
19:18but on the other hand,
19:19she spanked my kids,
19:21she lied about her drinking,
19:23and I once saw her
19:23bitch slap her mother-in-law.
19:26So I'm torn.
19:28Well, I'm siding with Bree.
19:30How can you be so sure?
19:33We have Andrew saying
19:35that it's systematic
19:35physical abuse.
19:37And then we have Bree saying
19:38it's Andrew wanting
19:39to be emancipated
19:40so he can get it
19:41as a trust fund,
19:42so he can buy a car.
19:43How are we supposed
19:44to know the real truth?
19:46Because I remember
19:46being 17.
19:48and I would have done
19:49a hell of a lot more
19:49than punch myself
19:50in the eye
19:51to get a car.
19:58Carl?
20:00Carl, stop, stop.
20:02Oh, it's an emergency.
20:05Just calm down.
20:05What's going on?
20:06Edie is going to marry you
20:07tomorrow.
20:08What?
20:09She's planned
20:10this whole secret wedding.
20:11It's a surprise.
20:13God, I hate surprises.
20:15I know.
20:16I told her that.
20:17I said,
20:17he always, always
20:18hates surprises.
20:19All right,
20:20don't get yourself
20:21all worked up here.
20:22Put our heads together
20:23and we'll come up with something.
20:26So,
20:26the thing you've got to know
20:28about me
20:28is my style is proactive.
20:30I don't hold your hand
20:31if you go on a bender.
20:32I believe in behavior modification.
20:35Hmm.
20:35Some muffins?
20:37That's okay.
20:38I'm not big on snacks.
20:40You should also know
20:42I'm not a lesbian.
20:45Oh.
20:47Well, good for you.
20:49Well, see,
20:50if I was,
20:51the program
20:51wouldn't let me
20:52be your sponsor.
20:53Not great for your recovery
20:54if we get tangled up
20:55in a little something.
20:57So, um,
20:59whatever vibe
21:00you might be getting,
21:01that's all on you.
21:04Um,
21:05Donna,
21:08I,
21:08I really appreciate
21:09everything
21:10that you've been doing
21:11for me,
21:12but I think I was really
21:13making some progress
21:14with Peter
21:15as my sponsor.
21:16And I was thinking...
21:17All right, stop.
21:18Right there.
21:19You're fixating on Peter.
21:21Well, I just really feel
21:22like I'm jeopardizing
21:23my recovery
21:23by switching.
21:24You're making excuses?
21:26See,
21:27I have a 99%
21:29success rate
21:30as a sponsor
21:30because I have
21:31zero percent tolerance
21:33for people
21:33who lie to themselves.
21:35Now, come on.
21:37Come on?
21:38Where are we going?
21:39Hiking.
21:40There's nothing like it
21:41to take your mind
21:41off booze.
21:45I got it.
21:46I'll just be the woman.
21:48I'll say I want
21:48a big wedding,
21:49you know,
21:49the church,
21:50the big ballroom,
21:52smooshing cake
21:52in her face.
21:53It'll take months
21:54to plan.
21:54That's great.
21:55Of course,
21:56I'll have to tell her
21:56you're the one
21:57who ruined the surprise.
21:59You're gonna make me
21:59take the hit?
22:00Yeah.
22:03Hey, guys.
22:04What you doing out here?
22:06Uh,
22:07just talking.
22:09Oh,
22:09well, come on in.
22:10I've got something
22:10to show you.
22:11Oh, no,
22:12that's okay.
22:12Come on.
22:13You'll love this.
22:20Wait until I leave
22:21to tell her
22:22because she's
22:22going to kill me.
22:28Well, I should go.
22:32I'm not going to scream
22:33or cry
22:34or pound your faces
22:35in with a mallet,
22:36which Lord knows
22:37is my right.
22:38But what I will say
22:39is that you two
22:40are the most
22:42reprehensible excuses
22:43for human beings
22:44that I have ever met.
22:46Do you have anything
22:47to add?
22:54Right.
22:56What the hell?
22:59Oh!
23:01Oh!
23:02Yes!
23:24Hey Mr. Scarbo, it's a sweet ride.
23:29Yeah, you think so?
23:31Why don't you come over here for a second?
23:34I'd like to pick your brain.
23:39You're the demographic that my client is interested in,
23:42so you'd actually be doing me a favor
23:43if you drove it around for a couple hours
23:45and told me what you thought.
23:47Do you mind?
23:49Are you kidding me?
23:51I can't believe you are old enough to drive.
23:54I still remember when you were ten years old.
23:56I paid you a dollar to rake our leaves.
23:58Yeah.
24:00Yeah, you were pretty cheap.
24:04Is this set up for MP3?
24:07Uh, all the bells and whistles.
24:10Listen, I really wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
24:14Hm?
24:17Your lawyer came to see me.
24:20I'm going to be deposed.
24:23It's going to be hard for me.
24:26Yeah, yeah, I know.
24:30You just have to remember she's a different person when she drinks.
24:35She must be.
24:37It's hard for me to imagine the brie I know capable of hurting you.
24:41Yeah.
24:44Do you have the keys?
24:46Oh, sure.
24:48Anyway, I just...
24:50I feel so guilty that this all went on in your house.
24:53Right under our nose.
24:55So, if there is anything I can do to help you...
24:59Well, can you get a discount on these?
25:05Um...
25:06Actually, yeah.
25:08One of the perks.
25:10Even so, it's a little out of the price range of a high school student.
25:13Well, if you tell my lawyer the truth, I don't think money's going to be a problem.
25:22Uh...
25:24Hi!
25:24What's going on?
25:30Edie wants to discuss our little...
25:33deception.
25:35Exactly how ugly is this going to get?
25:38How long does it take to shut a door?
25:42I can forgive your trickery.
25:45I can forgive the humiliation.
25:47But what I can't forgive is the complete and utter lack of faith in me.
25:52I mean, having Susan get married for insurance was my idea.
25:56Okay, so if I'd known that everything had gotten all screwed up,
25:59of course I would have agreed.
26:00Look, Edie.
26:01In retrospect, yes, we didn't think.
26:05We didn't handle this the way mature adults should have.
26:09He's right.
26:10We behave like children.
26:12Naughty, stupid children.
26:14Well, that makes me feel better.
26:17That you could admit that.
26:21Because...
26:21When naughty children misbehave,
26:24they know that they're going to get punished.
26:26Don't they?
26:30Punished?
26:31At this point, I'd like to point out that it was Carl who proposed.
26:36Carl.
26:38You are going to throw me an elaborate wedding.
26:42Yes, of course.
26:44Anything, baby.
26:47How elaborate?
26:50Well, figure out exactly what it is that you could afford.
26:53And triple it.
26:56As for you...
26:58Okay, now remember.
26:59I'm broke.
27:00I'm well aware of your church malstatus.
27:03I don't intend to lift a finger during the planning and execution of this crushingly expensive wedding.
27:13No.
27:13No, of course not.
27:14And anything I can do to help.
27:17You know, I could help with the engagement party.
27:20How's that?
27:21Well, I wasn't planning on inviting you.
27:25But...
27:26I will need a bartender.
27:29Oh, oh, and, um, make sure you come in through the back door.
27:44You're just in time.
27:46Mrs. Scavo has been sworn in, so we're all ready to start.
27:51Right.
27:53Bye.
28:00All right, we are now on the record.
28:04Okay.
28:05Isn't it true that while your children were in Bree's care, that she passed out drunk and allowed them to
28:11wander off to a downtown business district?
28:18My kids don't wander. They scurry like rats.
28:23Excuse me?
28:24Do you know a rat can fit through a hole the size of a quarter?
28:28Anyway, my children have that trick down, too.
28:31Mrs. Scavo, are you saying that you don't hold Mrs. Vandekamp responsible for endangering your children?
28:37No, I don't hold her responsible.
28:40Bree Vandekamp and I have known each other a long time.
28:43I trust her completely.
28:45She's a wonderful friend and a fantastic mother.
28:47She puts the rest of us to shame.
28:49She's lying.
28:50Are you gonna let her get away with this crap?
28:52Please.
28:55Do you consider Mrs. Vandekamp to have a drinking problem?
29:00No.
29:02Then why did you line empty wine bottles up on her front stoop?
29:07I was helping Bree with the recycling.
29:10Do I need to remind you of the potential consequences of perjury?
29:14No, you don't.
29:16In fact, I hate liars.
29:19I hate liars.
29:39Hello?
29:40Peter.
29:41Hi.
29:42It's Bree.
29:44Hey, Bree.
29:44You know, if you feel like you're gonna need a drink, you should call Donna.
29:49No.
29:49No.
29:50No, I don't feel like I'm gonna drink.
29:52And if I did, I certainly would call Donna.
29:54I mean, she and I are just, we're just really clicking.
29:57Oh, that's good.
29:59So, why are you calling?
30:01I know it's really late notice, but a friend of mine got engaged and she's throwing a party and I
30:05thought maybe you'd like to come.
30:07Bree.
30:07Well, you're not my sponsor anymore, so I assume this is allowable.
30:12I mean, it's just a casual get-together.
30:14And they're having sushi.
30:15You do like sushi, don't you?
30:18Bree.
30:23Okay, Peter, I just really need us to be friends.
30:29When I'm with you, I'm not myself, which is a good thing.
30:32I can, I can relax when I'm with you in a way that I can't when I'm with other people.
30:40With them I have to pretend that I have it all together, but you know that I don't, so it's
30:47just so much easier.
30:49Come on, it's just a, just a dumb old party.
30:53Bree.
30:55Do not call me again.
31:05Oh, I'm so glad you made it.
31:07Well, I appreciate the invitation, Edie.
31:09Although, frankly, I'm a little surprised to get it, considering how people in this neighborhood feel about me.
31:14Oh, you know me, I like to be inclusive.
31:18Ooh, it's heavy.
31:21Ah, ah, ah, this is flat.
31:24I think I'd like, um, a rusty nail.
31:28A what nail?
31:29It's a cocktail.
31:30Well, I'm not really sure what's in it, but it sounds obscure and complicated.
31:35So, jump, jump.
31:37Be right there.
31:39Hey, hey, hold that down.
31:40We gotta go.
31:41My birth mother just went into labor.
31:43What?
31:44That's fantastic.
31:45Yeah, can you believe it?
31:45We're gonna be parents.
31:47Here, I'll go get the car.
31:48Come on.
31:49We were supposed to have four weeks.
31:51She promised me the baby wasn't due for four more weeks.
31:54We don't have anything.
31:55We don't, we don't have diapers and we don't have the stuffed babies drink.
32:00Formula.
32:00Exactly.
32:01We're not ready.
32:02You know, this is a total inconvenience.
32:05Welcome to parenthood.
32:06Come on.
32:08This is your father's bartender Bible.
32:10See if you can find the recipe for a rusty nail.
32:18Um, Mom?
32:22Where'd you find that?
32:24It was stuck in here between a pink squirrel and a pisco sour.
32:29Oh.
32:31Well, why is your father keeping this?
32:35Why do you think?
32:45Hey, Susie.
32:47Carl, this marriage, our marriage, this fake marriage, that's what it is, right?
32:51Fake.
32:53What are you talking about?
32:54What's this?
32:57Nothing.
32:58Yeah?
33:01Okay then.
33:03Repeat after me.
33:05Our marriage is fake and I'm going to marry the woman I really love, Edie Britt.
33:11If that's what you want me to say.
33:13No, no, no, no, no, no.
33:14It's not about what I want you to say.
33:16You have to want to say that you want to marry Edie.
33:21Don't worry about this, Susie.
33:23Why are you hanging on to that?
33:25I need to look at it from time to time.
33:28Why?
33:33I consider it my punishment for screwing up the best thing that ever happened to me.
33:42Oh.
33:44Oh, no, no, no.
33:45This is not happening.
33:49Oh, Carl.
33:50Oh.
33:51Will you...
33:52Are you crazy?
33:53Just tell me what to do, Susie.
33:55You want me to marry Edie, I will.
33:56You want me to call off the wedding, I'll do it.
33:58I'll do whatever you want.
33:59I'm putty.
34:01Carl!
34:02What are you doing?
34:07Just putting away some coats.
34:10Oh.
34:12Well, it's time to open my presents.
34:15Let's go.
34:32Oh, hello.
34:34Hi.
34:35Um, I need some advice from a professional.
34:38I'd like to get stinking drunk.
34:40Do you have anything that can accomplish that in a hurry?
34:49I forgot the Lamaze book in my purse!
34:51Forget it.
34:51Come on, let's go.
34:52We'll wing it.
34:56Oh, we've missed it.
34:58The kid just slipped right out.
35:01Are you family?
35:07They're the parents.
35:16Would you like to help?
35:19No, thanks.
35:20You guys look like you got it covered.
35:24Oh, are you sure, honey?
35:26Come on, Gabby.
35:28I just, um...
35:30I don't want to do anything to screw it up.
35:32She won't break.
35:34Here.
35:36Okay.
35:41Hi.
35:43Hi.
35:50Honey, you were right.
35:51You were right.
35:53About what?
35:58It was all worth it.
36:11Serving bowls.
36:12Just what I needed, Lynette.
36:14There's a gift receipt taped to the bottom of the box.
36:17Oh, thank God.
36:20Okay, the next one is from Felicia.
36:23I do hope you like it.
36:25Oh, you know what they say.
36:28Good things come in small packages.
36:36What is it?
36:41Teeth?
36:42Dentures.
36:45They were my dear sister Martha's.
36:48I'm sure none of you knew, but she had orthodontic issues from the time she was a child.
36:54Oh.
36:59I know it's an unconventional gift for an engagement party, but you and Martha were such close friends, Edie.
37:05I wanted you to have something truly personal to remember her by since she left us so abruptly.
37:12You know, when Paul Young strangled her, crushed her windpipe, and buried her alive next to a garbage-strewn hiking
37:19trail.
37:20Hey, Alicia.
37:21I think you've had enough.
37:24I do apologize if I've offended anyone, but while you all are chit-chatting and eating these gummy hors d
37:33'oeuvres, just remember, you're in the company of a murderer.
37:38Oh, god.
37:39Oh, hopefully.
37:40Oh, god.
37:40I will.
37:41This looks soous.
37:47Oh, God.
38:01Oh, my God.
38:03Well, that's all for you.
38:05Yeah.
38:06I'm so sorry.
38:14Brie. Brie.
38:21Why didn't you call Donna?
38:26I don't need Donna.
38:29I need you.
38:48You know, I don't even like redheads.
38:55Okay, it's my turn.
38:56Shh, in a minute.
38:59Come on, you're hogging her.
39:01Tell me.
39:03You tell me who it is, Libby.
39:04Aren't you drunk?
39:06Who is he, Libby?
39:09I got to know him.
39:11I already told you, he's just some rodeo guy.
39:13I don't even remember his name.
39:15Fire!
39:16What are you doing?
39:18I'm going to light myself on fire.
39:21He's going to light himself on fire with coffee liqueur?
39:24Would not have been my choice.
39:26Tell me his name or I'm going to do it!
39:29Frank, don't be an idiot.
39:32It was Dale, okay?
39:34It was Dale.
39:35Security, maturity.
39:37My brother, Dale?
39:39He's a kid!
39:40He's 19, Frank.
39:42He knows which end is up.
39:44What is she saying?
39:48There's a father.
39:49Hey, hey!
39:51Hey, what are you doing?
39:52Get off the door!
39:53No.
39:54I'm not giving up the baby.
39:56Get him out of here!
39:59No!
40:00No!
40:01No!
40:03What the hell are you doing?
40:05Taking our baby home.
40:06She's not ours.
40:07The papers aren't valid anymore.
40:08She has a father.
40:10Do you really want to leave this beautiful little girl with that white trash freak show?
40:14Huh?
40:16Come on, then.
40:24No, I took, uh, where?
40:26Maternity.
40:27Maternity.
40:27All right.
40:33Prince, hurry up!
40:35Come on.
40:39Man, there's a lot of straps on this thing.
40:41How does this thing go in?
40:42Read the instructions.
40:45Pass strap A through strap B, making sure that the harness clip is at chest level.
40:49Which damn one is the harness clip?
40:50That is after the baby is in.
40:52You have to connect it to the car first.
40:54I told you we should have got an SUV.
40:56Okay, stop yelling.
40:57This is very complicated.
40:58Oh, for God's sakes.
40:59Just take the baby.
41:06Wow.
41:07We're good to go.
41:08Give me the baby.
41:14You know this isn't going to end well.
41:16You know, they're just going to try and take her back.
41:18Baby, but we don't have to make it easy for them.
41:23Gabby, I...
41:24Just buckle up!
41:36Temptation comes to all of us.
41:39Whether or not we succumb depends on our ability to recognize its disguise.
41:45Sometimes it arrives in the form of an old flame, flickering back to life.
41:54Or a new friend, who could end up being so much more.
42:03Or a young child, who awakens feelings we didn't know we had.
42:12And so, we give in to temptation.
42:16All the while knowing, come morning, we'll have to suffer the consequences.
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43:02Transcription by CastingWords
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