- 13 hours ago
First broadcast 11th November 2011.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Dara Ó Briain
Sandi Toksvig
Al Murray
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Dara Ó Briain
Sandi Toksvig
Al Murray
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI for another
00:07incongruous ingathering of eye-related information, including income tax, inflation, and imperial Rome.
00:14Let's have a look at tonight's four eyes. The eye-catching Sandy Toksvig.
00:23The eye-watering Al Murray.
00:31The eye-rish Dara O'Brien.
00:38And, aye, aye, aye, it's Alan Davis.
00:46Right, well, let's hear your eye buzzers. Sandy goes...
00:54That was an ibis.
00:55Oh.
00:56The owl goes...
01:00That was an ibex.
01:03And Dara goes...
01:08That was a Seat Ibiza.
01:12And Alan goes...
01:14Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, I like it very much. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, I think I'll grin.
01:21And don't forget, don't forget, if you spot a question to which you think nobody knows the answer, you can
01:26always play your ignoramus joker, like say...
01:29Nobody knows.
01:30That's right, there may be a question to which the answer is nobody knows. So, describe, if you can, in
01:36detail, the world's most exotic tax inspectors.
01:41Not the ones who brought me into Balham once to...
01:44Were you once given a right going over?
01:46Oh, I was given a right going over, yeah.
01:48Were you?
01:48I've taken tax advice from Harry Hill, so it was my own fault.
01:54He used to be a doctor, so I thought he knew what he was talking about.
01:59I once spent three days with a tax inspector, going through, honestly, every single decimal point of everything, and after
02:05three days, he didn't find anything.
02:07And he said to me, to be honest, Miss Toxvig, I just wanted to meet you.
02:13Wow.
02:15I know, I wanted to...
02:16Was either of them exotic? Did they have a flowery tie or anything about them?
02:19Is it going to be one of those tax haveny things?
02:23No, it's not a tax haveny thing.
02:24We're in the Middle East, we're in an Islamic country, where people will be very embarrassed by a certain type
02:29of person.
02:30A transgender person.
02:32Oh.
02:32And in Pakistan, they have a squadron of transgender tax collectors, who come, basically, to embarrass people into paying.
02:40They go, hiya.
02:43Well...
02:43Yeah, all right.
02:45First of all, you go to the shop and say, you owe us this much in tax.
02:49And they will simply say, we refuse to pay.
02:51And they say, okay, then tomorrow we will send in a group of transgender trans collectors...
02:55The birdcage are coming round.
02:57Yeah, who will dance and sing in your shop until you pay.
03:00They're crying again.
03:02But only 5% of people pay tax in Pakistan, don't they?
03:05Well, that's why...
03:06So it's not working, is it?
03:06There's only so many transgender people.
03:09It's like...
03:09They're very busy.
03:10They're belting out, I am what I am, in shops all around the country.
03:15Well, there is quite a transgender, I suppose one would use the word community, in Pakistan.
03:20And they have obviously had it very tough, especially in the more extremist parts of that country, where such things
03:26are frowned upon.
03:27But they are classed together with transvestites and eunuchs.
03:30And there's a special word for them, which is hijra.
03:32But how extraordinary for a mother, if she sees her son putting on her high heels, and immediately she looks
03:39at him now and thinks, tax inspector.
03:40Yes, I know.
03:41It is, it's a glamour profession now.
03:44I have to do this, mother, I'm a tax inspector.
03:47It may well happen.
03:48Nothing else is going on.
03:52Are you wearing that dress this evening?
03:54Well, there you are.
03:55In India, in Andhra Pradesh, they've tried drumming.
03:58They simply drum outside the shop or household, and keep it up until they pay their taxes.
04:03But what if you own a drum shop?
04:06That would be, obviously, a factor flaw, wouldn't it?
04:09It would, but that's going to be a very low percentage.
04:12You're nitpicking here, I think, darling.
04:13What do we do here?
04:15Morris dancers, I think, that would, outside your shop.
04:18That might well.
04:18That would make, I'm paying, I will pay, yes.
04:21Well, basically, the governments of the world are looking for imaginative solutions to raise, you know, their taxes.
04:26And that is one, using transgender people in Karachi.
04:30You're looking astonished.
04:32I'm totally astonished.
04:33This is boggling.
04:34It's brilliant.
04:35You see, while living in Pakistan, was there any point at which Osama bin Laden didn't pay his taxes
04:39and was in danger of four transgender people knocking the door of his massive compound?
04:45No wonder he was hiding.
04:47I wonder what that man does for a living.
04:49What's he done?
04:50I don't know.
04:52A whole conversation.
04:52Four of them turned out.
04:53Yeah, four of them going through his papers, as you can see.
04:56Did it come for my tax?
04:57I sold you that scarf.
04:59I think that's a counterfeit designer bag that she's wearing as well.
05:03I suspect it isn't real.
05:05He's going to get the hit squad.
05:06Yes.
05:07He's going to get the full show.
05:09Here come the guns.
05:14We are the hit squad, and the first hit will be shares, I believe.
05:22Absolutely.
05:23There you go.
05:24Now, compare the tax advantages of being a drug dealer in Tennessee to those of being a bank robber in
05:31the Netherlands.
05:32Is it, in Tennessee, they can claim back the expense of buying the drugs against tax as a business expense
05:40or something?
05:42You're in the right area.
05:43There's some kind of accounting loophole.
05:45What they tried in Tennessee was to put a duty on drugs, as you do on alcohol and tobacco.
05:51And so all these criminals who were found as drug dealers, not only went to prison, but they had to
05:56pay this tax on the drugs.
05:58Like as a distract duty.
05:59Yes.
06:00But then constitutionally, it was discovered to be basically against the American government.
06:04It counted as double jeopardy, because they were getting punished twice for the same crime.
06:07So now, the state of Tennessee is paying money back to all the drug dealers.
06:13It's already paid a billion.
06:15It's paid millions out to about 161 people who have already received $3.7 million.
06:22Because it was a bit of a screw up.
06:23They thought it was a really clever idea of getting extra money out of drug criminals, instead of which they've
06:28actually lost out on it.
06:30They'll only spend on drugs.
06:31It might.
06:31If you're putting that with bank robbers in the Netherlands, it must be that you can claim for the expense
06:35of your gun.
06:36Yes.
06:36Is it right?
06:37Absolutely right.
06:38There was someone who was found guilty of holding the place up with a gun.
06:43And he was fine.
06:44And his gun was an allowable expense.
06:47So it was deducted.
06:49The price of his gun was deducted from his fine.
06:53But presumably you'd need a receipt, first of all.
06:56It was an expense of working expense.
06:58If you committed crimes that were worth less than your gun, you would always be ahead.
07:03Yes.
07:05A very expensive getaway car.
07:07Yes.
07:08Use a Porsche as a getaway car.
07:10Very expensive silk stockings of your office.
07:13Like a burlap, you see.
07:14Yes, absolutely.
07:15Well, presumably you'd have to prove you bought the right thing that was appropriate for the crime.
07:19I mean, if you had a gun like that in the picture, that's fine.
07:21But if you had a ballistic missile, probably they're not going to cough up.
07:23No, that's right.
07:23I think you're absolutely right.
07:24Was it Robert Morley used to run Miss World?
07:27Was it?
07:28Eric Morley.
07:28Eric Morley.
07:29He claimed his racehorses as a taxi change.
07:32Did he?
07:33Yeah, and it went all the way to court with him saying, basically I'm in the business of
07:37being Eric Morley and that includes owning racehorses.
07:41To keep up my kind of lifestyle and have the swagger of being the man that runs Miss World, I
07:46need racehorses.
07:47And he won.
07:48Good God.
07:49So he was able to claim his racehorses as a business expense.
07:51I won't sport a racehorse by mistake.
07:55What had you originally gone into the shop for?
07:59I was there as a tax inspector.
08:01You wanted a pint of Activia pouring yoghurt and you got a racehorse.
08:06Oh, you heard about that little problem I had.
08:12I've stayed with us people.
08:15No, what happened was I was at Epsom and somebody had given a racehorse to auction to the crowd
08:19to raise money for charity and I was asked if I would auction it off.
08:22And so I said, what am I bidding for this marvellous race?
08:24And I'm standing next to the horse and nobody bid.
08:27So I said, well, I'll start us off.
08:29I said, 3,000 guineas.
08:31Silence.
08:32I was the only person who bid on the horse and I'd come in my sports car.
08:38I had no idea how I was going to get it home.
08:41So did you have to pay out?
08:42Well, no.
08:43The man very nicely bought it back off me.
08:46How much for?
08:47Well, I lost on it.
08:51For about a minute and a half I owned a racehorse.
08:54Did you follow the fortunes of that racehorse at all?
08:56No, I've never been to the races again.
08:58It's too terrifying.
09:00Good Lord.
09:01Well, there you are.
09:02I do know an actor who claimed his carpet on the grounds that it was wear and tear
09:07because he used to walk up and down learning his lines.
09:11Didn't get away with it.
09:14But he still put it in.
09:15Good effort.
09:16Yes, absolutely.
09:17I tried to claim for a bed once.
09:18No reason.
09:19I just thought it was new.
09:20I was new to the game.
09:21I just thought you put everything down.
09:22Because you had to sleep with directors in order to get part.
09:25Exactly.
09:27And it turns out that you don't actually have to use a bed for that.
09:29They were behind a skip.
09:30Anything.
09:31Yes.
09:32They were not discerning about this.
09:33Like, I was dressing the room.
09:35I was putting music on.
09:37They don't care.
09:37They want to use your clothes.
09:39Right?
09:39You're nothing to them.
09:40Right-ass.
09:41I did try and claim for some paintings in my office.
09:44And I was in the tax inspector's place.
09:46And he said, what was his paintings in the office?
09:48And I said, oh, for goodness sake, nobody could possibly work in an office
09:50which had no art in it.
09:52And I looked around.
09:53And there was a single, solitary poster.
09:57Called the Heimlich manoeuvre.
10:01I couldn't think how often that would come up.
10:03No, not really.
10:04It's not when you're in your own in particular.
10:06Yeah.
10:07Well, people will try anything, basically.
10:09Now, why does this house have bricked-up windows?
10:13Ah.
10:14Now, I expect there'll be a klaxon.
10:15Yeah.
10:16Hmm.
10:16But there was window tacks, wasn't there?
10:19Hmm.
10:20Whoa!
10:21Yeah, if you'd like to go around the place and point at a blank window
10:25and go, ah, yeah, window tacks, you see.
10:27Yeah, there was a window tacks, so they fill them in.
10:29Yes, I know.
10:30Because there was a window tacks from the 1690s right up to 1851.
10:33What is this, then?
10:34This is sort of 18th century, fashionably solid curtains.
10:37Yes, basically.
10:38This is just to balance the house out, basically.
10:42There were a lot of bricked-in ones, but this is an example
10:44of where it was just used to make it look slightly more symmetrical.
10:48It looks more slightly like they had a child they didn't love
10:51and they both, they bricked them into a part of the house.
10:54I think if you look at the brickwork, I think there was an extension somewhere, and I, I, it's, anyway.
10:59But that doesn't excuse the fact that Granny has been living in that slim portion of the house,
11:21and it was about in the 1850s that they realised that the British glass industry was doing very badly.
11:25That's an example of, genuinely, those were blanked out for window tacks.
11:29A, people were not getting enough light, and it was very disadvantageous for the poor, who particularly lived in dark
11:34places.
11:34And also the British glass industry was getting really depressed.
11:37But on the other hand, the candle makers were raking in.
11:40Candle makers were raking in.
11:42There is that, yeah.
11:42But did it, I, it, is it or isn't it where daylight robbery comes from?
11:45This idea of that you've taken away the windows, and the window tacks was daylight robbery.
11:49I'm not sure.
11:50No, I don't think it is, no.
11:51I think it is quite simply, is that you just take something in place.
11:54I, I know.
11:55It's just shameless robbery, daylight robbery.
11:56I don't know.
11:57That house would make a very good advents calendar.
11:59Yes.
12:00It would.
12:01Yeah.
12:02And that huge chocolate behind it.
12:07Shear the life out of the children.
12:08But surely, surely somebody has rung the door open in this house and go,
12:11by the way, they've repealed the window tacks.
12:14But other countries have chosen other strange taxes.
12:17What do you think in Amsterdam, what do you think they taxed?
12:19Oh, oh, there's a narrowness of that, isn't there?
12:21The width of the building, yeah.
12:23It taxed the width of a house in Amsterdam.
12:25Yeah.
12:25Hence you get this extraordinary Dutch, very, very narrow houses.
12:28And you get, and all of them have that, you know, I think I gave an extended, erm...
12:32For a pulley system.
12:33A pulley system.
12:34That outside says everything is lifted up because the doors are too narrow to bring anything in.
12:37Exactly.
12:37But it results in rather beautiful architecture, don't you think?
12:41He.
12:41Nobody agrees with me.
12:42Everyone thinks that.
12:43That's right.
12:44I think it's slightly.
12:45They just look very narrow.
12:46Well, yes.
12:47They're nice buildings.
12:48Could be a bit wider.
12:49Could be wider.
12:50It's the sort of building that I think, oh, just imagine if you'd forgotten something
12:53on the top floor.
12:54Yeah, oh, that's true.
12:55And you'd gone to what you wouldn't, you couldn't be.
12:57You'd buy another, wouldn't it?
12:58Whatever it was, you'd buy another.
13:01It's nice to have the stairs up, maybe in a spiral, but there should be a pole down.
13:05Yeah, much better.
13:06Have you ever been down a fireman's pole?
13:07No, I, no I haven't.
13:10You've really tried to keep this strange face.
13:13I meant it in the most serious way.
13:15Look, that raises another question.
13:16Why don't firemen live in bungalows?
13:18Why, why the pole?
13:20Yes.
13:20Why not be on the same level as the firetruck?
13:24Because you've got to jump into your boots, haven't you?
13:26You've got the boots.
13:27No, you know you don't.
13:28You can just put them on.
13:29Oh, you've got the trees.
13:30Put the boots on.
13:31Put the boots on.
13:33You think it's just, it's Wallace and Gromit you're thinking of.
13:35Oh, yes.
13:36It is.
13:37Well, going to a fire isn't enough of an adventure, isn't it?
13:40It's not exciting enough.
13:42It's quite scary.
13:43I visited a fire station in Liana, and they said, go on, you know, jump, and there's a pole,
13:49and I suddenly realised, I don't, I don't want to do this.
13:53I eventually did it, and it's probably squeaky as well, which makes, you know, it's like,
13:56like nails on a black light.
13:57Oh, is it like a slide that's warm, and you squeak down?
13:59It should have been oiled, I feel.
14:01Well, it's like, oil's, oil's flammable, actually.
14:05Well, they can't, they can't turn up with a fire covered in oil.
14:11That's true.
14:13You're quite right.
14:14Yeah.
14:15I don't think things speak through.
14:16I really don't.
14:17Sure, there has to be training, because I would presume that if it's, like,
14:19if you jump and, and don't grab out your skin, if you grab it with cloth,
14:22you'll just go straight down at nearly terminal velocity.
14:25Yeah, and it's massive.
14:26Where's the grabbing with your legs?
14:28Get nasty burns.
14:29Oh, really?
14:29Because I would presume that would be an ironic thing to get a burn on the way to the fire.
14:34Why are they going down, holding on with their legs?
14:35They're putting their cap on and doing the...
14:37Bungalow.
14:39That's right.
14:40You're right.
14:40They've got to see the fire engines on.
14:41Bungalow.
14:42I'm sorry.
14:42Fire engines take up all the room.
14:44That's true.
14:44You've got to have two, two machines abreast, as usual, isn't it?
14:47And then all the living quarters were next door.
14:51Sorry, I've just thought of breasts.
14:53Oh, sorry.
14:55Two machines?
14:57Two machines per breast.
15:02It was an odd moment, Alan, because I was with you.
15:04Those are deductible.
15:08Some sort of pumping going on.
15:10Oh, yeah.
15:11A lifting machine, or a...
15:13Never mind, no.
15:15Anyway, have you done this?
15:16Yes.
15:16What I don't like is that they no longer have a ladder on the top that sometimes comes adrift,
15:20and one dangles off the end going...
15:22Oh, yes.
15:23Like in...
15:24Was it one of our dinosaurs is missing, or one of those Disney films where they go around
15:28London?
15:28They have, but they've used it, yes.
15:30The only recent film, I think it was Terminator 3.
15:32Oh, did they use Terminator 3?
15:34And then the Terminator was hanging off the end and went through buildings.
15:38Wow.
15:39That's very exciting.
15:40I think it was perhaps done on a computer.
15:42Yeah, I know.
15:43That's probably true.
15:45Now, talking of large tax bills, name the best paid sportsman of all time.
15:51Oh, so it's not going to be one of those.
15:53It's not going to be...
15:54I was going to say one of those.
15:55I was going to say that one on the left.
15:56Is it...
15:57Were you?
15:57Is it...
15:58No, not the best laid.
15:59We actually didn't.
16:00We didn't!
16:01That's ridiculous!
16:03Top crime.
16:04Top crime from Alan Davis.
16:05Top crime, yeah.
16:07Is it of all time?
16:08Of all time, yeah.
16:09So it's going to be relative, so it's going to be some in ancient Greece or some of the
16:12Spartacus.
16:13No, Spartacus.
16:13Imperial Rome.
16:14Imperial Rome is indeed where we need to be.
16:17Yeah, yeah.
16:17Is it a gladiator of some of this?
16:19Not a gladiator.
16:20A charioteer.
16:21A charioteer by the name of Gaius Apuleius Diocles.
16:24And he was a Lusitanian Spaniard.
16:27And he was the greatest sportsman of his age.
16:29He wasn't a looker though, was he?
16:31Well, that...
16:31That cannot be accurate.
16:33But we know he won.
16:36That's a photograph.
16:39That's a photograph.
16:51Well, he's got 43,120 cistercies in price money.
16:55And it's recorded in a monumental inscription, exactly that amount.
16:58It's called the champion of all charioteers.
17:00And if you compare this to the average wage of the day, and use all the calculations that
17:04people used to determine these things, his career winnings amounted to an equivalent
17:09of 15 billion dollars.
17:12Quite astonishing amount of money.
17:13That would make Tiger Woods pale.
17:15That's fantastic.
17:16Tiger Woods was the first to earn a billion, so he's certainly the best paid of our time.
17:20But not of all time.
17:21Which charioteer was rhyming slang?
17:24For...
17:25You know, queer.
17:26Oh!
17:28I think we've got enough words.
17:31Iron, iron and ginger.
17:34He's a charioteer.
17:35If we let on the air.
17:37If we let on the air.
17:37If we let on the air.
17:38Chariot.
17:40If we...
17:41If we...
17:41If we potato was, if you spoke ages.
17:47Ben-Hur.
17:48Yeah, Ben-Hur.
17:49Well, Ben-Hur would suit, I think.
17:52If you then try to reclaim it.
17:53If you try to empower yourself by using a word that we just invented.
17:56It was never actually slang at all.
17:57And you're going, well, yes, I am a charioteer.
17:59And I'm ready to say it.
18:00None of you can say it.
18:01It's our word.
18:02We've got it back for ourselves.
18:03I'm a charioteer of fire.
18:06Yeah.
18:07Yeah.
18:08Down the pole.
18:08Hey!
18:09We've...
18:09We've claimed that in under a minute.
18:11I guess.
18:12Fastest ever.
18:13It was pretty good, wasn't it?
18:15Well, anyway.
18:17This was in 146 AD that he retired as the richest sportsman.
18:23And they had four horses.
18:24And there were up to 12 teams.
18:26And they would go around a lap like Ben-Hur there.
18:29And the skill was the cornering.
18:30It was incredibly difficult.
18:31And he won, as I say, nearly 1,500 races, don't you think?
18:34Because Nero used to race in chariot races.
18:36And he always won everything.
18:38Oh, yeah.
18:38But what used to happen, there's one occasion apparently when he fell out of the chariot.
18:42And everybody stopped and pretended that their horse had got something wrong with them.
18:47Having a look.
18:48Is he back in?
18:48Is he back in?
18:49And then he got back in and he won.
18:50Yeah.
18:51Is it true or is it a myth that people were killed in the filming and...
18:55The original Ben-Hur, the silent one, I think people killed in that.
18:58In the previous version.
18:59In the silent one.
19:00Yeah, but you couldn't hear them.
19:01Phenomenal speed.
19:02Yes, very, very fast.
19:04And nobody minded in those days.
19:05No, you couldn't hear a thing.
19:06No, quite.
19:06That's fine.
19:10Do you know the connection between Ben-Hur and Billy the Kid?
19:14Well, do you know who wrote Ben-Hur, the novel?
19:17I feel like I did know it.
19:19But it's a man called Wallace and he was the governor of New Mexico.
19:22And he was the one who signed Billy the Kid's death warrant.
19:26Oh, that's fabulous trivia.
19:28Isn't it?
19:28Yeah, well done you.
19:29I think you should get an extra point for that.
19:32Well done.
19:34Staying in that period of time for a moment, please fill me in on this little piece of information.
19:38Who had to return to their birthplace for the census?
19:43This is going to be one of those things where we say, Joseph and Mary, and it isn't Joseph and
19:48Mary because that isn't what you know.
19:52It isn't that at all.
19:53Yeah.
19:54Because that we don't...
19:56Is it?
19:56It's not...
19:58Clever.
19:58You've always been one step behind.
20:02The story is given in one of the Gospels, Luke, where it says that Caesar Augustus, if you remember, in
20:08those days issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world.
20:12And we know this is just simply...
20:13It's not true.
20:14It's not true.
20:16No, there was never a census of the entire Roman world.
20:20And there is also absolutely no truth in the fact that you had to return to the place of your
20:24birth in order to complete a census if there were a census.
20:28There is only one reason why Luke would want you to think that Mary and Joseph went to Bethlehem to
20:35give birth.
20:36To fulfill the prophecy.
20:37To fulfill the prophecy is the point.
20:39Is that in the Old Testament, it says the Messiah will be born from the stem of Jesse.
20:44And that means...
20:45What is the stem of Jesse?
20:47Do you know what...
20:47There's so many answers, I don't even know where to begin.
20:52What time is this broadcast?
20:54King David, in the Bible, was David son of Jesse.
20:58And in the various prophecies, they say the Messiah will be born in Bethlehem from the stem of Jesse, i
21:05.e. from the family.
21:06But it's all about Joseph.
21:08And Mary, supposedly, is a virgin.
21:10So the stem of Jesse's got nothing to do with it.
21:14Nothing to do with it.
21:14I know the whole thing doesn't make sense.
21:16What?
21:16Are you telling me what?
21:17I know.
21:18Don't let me.
21:19For a minute.
21:22I've spent a lot of time on this as a kid.
21:24Yeah.
21:25Don't tell me now.
21:26Don't let the scales fall for my eyes now.
21:30It doesn't make any sense anyway.
21:32If you were going to count people, I mean, say we had the census here, I'd have to go back
21:35to Copenhagen.
21:35That would just be ridiculous.
21:37Exactly.
21:37That's the point.
21:37He's only putting that in order to get him to be born in Bethlehem.
21:41And Luke is the one of all the Gospel writers who is most determined to fit in all the prophecies.
21:46And it wasn't laterally.
21:47It was kind of a Bethlehem tourist board type thing where they said, is there any chance
21:51you could place this story here?
21:55We got the guys with the relics ready to go.
21:59Yes.
21:59You shifted to us like we can.
22:01Like, you know, like Santa Claus Lapland versus Santa Claus North Pole.
22:06Yes.
22:06This is probably exactly an excellent parallel to draw.
22:09Between the two things.
22:11But Lapland have just decided that's where Santa lives.
22:14And of course the real Sir Nicholas came from Turkey.
22:17Of course.
22:17Yes.
22:17And lived in the North Pole.
22:21The things we've really been cheated on are the really interesting books that should have
22:25been in the Bible.
22:26As you probably know, the Bible was assembled over a long period of time, well after the
22:30birth of Christ.
22:31Well, it's about 300 years later they got together.
22:32There were constant conferences going on deciding on which bits of scripture they should include
22:39in an official Bible.
22:40And there are some absolutely wonderful ones about the infancy of Christ which I would
22:43like to share with you.
22:44And wouldn't this make you more interested in Jesus?
22:47This is one here.
22:48They're the infancy gospels which were rejected from the final cut of the Bible.
22:52Is this like an Easter egg, ironically, on a DVD?
22:56Yes.
22:56Mary dismounted from her beast and sat down with the child Jesus in her bosom.
23:00And there were with Joseph three boys and Mary a girl going on a journey along with them.
23:05And lo, suddenly, there came forth from the cave many dragons.
23:09And when the children saw them they cried out in great terror.
23:12Then Jesus went down from the bosom of his mother and stood on his feet before the dragons
23:16and they adored Jesus and thereafter retired.
23:19Oh, that's funny.
23:20Isn't that great?
23:22That's smart.
23:22No, wouldn't you have paid more attention in Sunday school if there would be more of those?
23:25And you're reading that to us in your Harry Potter voice as well.
23:28LAUGHTER
23:28I'm sorry, that's just great with the territory.
23:32The Bible meets Puff the Magic Dragon.
23:35Yes.
23:35Fantastic.
23:36That is typical.
23:37Oh, that lizard.
23:38Oh, that's a dragon.
23:39That's a dragon.
23:40Yes.
23:41Now, what did the 2001 census reveal to be the fourth largest religion in Britain?
23:47Oh, this is going to go off.
23:48No.
23:48I'm going to say Jedi.
23:50No.
23:53No.
23:54The fourth largest number of people put Jedi as their religion but they were not counted
23:57as a religion.
23:58Those who put Jedi were put in the box, no religion.
24:01So they ruled out for being silly, weren't they?
24:03Well, basically they were done for being silly.
24:04The fourth biggest religion was in, is in fact.
24:06Wait, wait, so Christian, Christian's got to be top, top one still.
24:09Muslim, second.
24:10The fourth is Sikh?
24:11Hindu?
24:12Yes.
24:13Fourth is Sikhs.
24:13There were 14 Scots who put Sith.
24:18Do you know when they released a press release about this?
24:22It's like something like 37,000 or something?
24:24Yes.
24:25It was huge.
24:26More than that, 390,000.
24:26They released the actual official census form said, what was the number again?
24:30390,000.
24:31It was released as 390,000 Jedi there are.
24:39I'm reminded of an injustice that we did to you last series, Dara.
24:43Do you remember, we did this thing about a louse that goes into the tongue of fish.
24:48Yes, I remember that.
24:49It was quite revolting.
24:49It was revolting.
24:50It goes into the tongue of the fish, it eats the fish's tongue and sort of becomes the fish's tongue
24:55and lives inside them.
24:56And you said, but surely fish don't have tongues.
25:01And I brushed you off.
25:03And I'm sure a friendly way, I said, silly.
25:05Silly, darling.
25:06No, you stood over me, I remember, vividly with a cane.
25:08And you beat me.
25:10You beat me down.
25:11You said, you're impertinence.
25:13You're here at my mercy.
25:16It turns out the fish don't have tongues.
25:18Yes.
25:19You're right, so we're going to give you some points for that.
25:20Oh, nice.
25:21Thank you very much.
25:21They have things that look like tongues, in the place that a tongue would be, but they aren't muscles and
25:26they don't have taste buds.
25:27They're called basihiles, and they're quite a common dish in Newfoundland, is cod's basihila.
25:32Sorry, is he going to get points for something?
25:33And we weren't even there.
25:35Yeah.
25:36It's going out.
25:36I know loads of stuff I haven't said.
25:38Yeah.
25:43No, no, I'm okay, because I came on series two, and I mentioned about a thing called the triple point
25:49of water, being zero.
25:51Yes.
25:51On series three I came back, and they said, oh no, we've had emails that actually the temperature is 0
25:55.01, right?
25:57So I was one hundredth of a degree off on this, and he docked me points the following year.
26:03The fact that I'll happily take them, I'll take them.
26:05Yeah, exactly.
26:06What goes around comes around.
26:07Doesn't it?
26:07No, don't feel bad.
26:09You may get points next two years' time.
26:11Thank you, Dan.
26:12Someday, when you least expect it, you can't be a steeple of fear and go, some points.
26:20It isn't actually a tongue, and it doesn't have taste buds, as I say, but what's it actually for?
26:26Fooling.
26:26Dara O'Brien.
26:28Getting bits out of your pee.
26:34Oh, I'm going to go, no, it's too late.
26:36Nobody knows the answer.
26:37You could have waited.
26:39Oh, if I do it now, can I have points for three years?
26:41Yeah.
26:43Maybe, maybe.
26:44Not understood this game.
26:46You're not alone.
26:48I like that nightmare.
26:49On the subject of numbers, though, what is the smallest, uninteresting number?
26:56What's an interesting, what do you think is an interesting number?
26:58Oh, they're all interesting to me, unfortunately.
27:00I really love numbers.
27:01Three sounds quite interesting, doesn't it?
27:03It sounds more interesting than two.
27:04Three is the magic number.
27:05Three is magic.
27:06Three is fantastic.
27:07Three is sexy.
27:07Four is someone's going to fall out of bed.
27:09I mean, we've got to go quite high.
27:11Numbers have fascinating properties.
27:12But it doesn't make sense to me.
27:14It's the smallest, most uninteresting.
27:16If it was the smallest, most uninteresting number.
27:18You're right, it's a paradox.
27:19It would make it interesting.
27:20Yeah, you're absolutely right.
27:21In that sense, it is interesting.
27:23But nonetheless, it is, in mathematical terms, at least an interesting number.
27:27But we're aware of the paradox behind it.
27:29Right, but it wasn't.
27:29So ignoring the paradox side of it, because it is quite interesting.
27:32Yeah.
27:33There is a number.
27:35And is it only a numerical interest, or is it of a physical interest as well?
27:38It's a numerical, well, do you know the Hardy-Roumanijan story, I expect, do you know that story?
27:42I know so many.
27:44There was a very, very great mathematician, probably one of the three greatest mathematicians
27:49who ever lived, called Rumanijan, who was an entirely self-taught Indian from Tamil Nadu,
27:54a really remarkable man.
27:56He ended up being the first Indian to be a fellow of the Royal Society, the first Indian
27:59to be a fellow of an Oxford College.
28:01And he did some extraordinary collaborative work with G.H. Hardy at Trinity College, Cambridge,
28:05who was then the most famous mathematician around.
28:07But he ended up in a hospital, people thought he may have tuberculosis, and he was dying.
28:12It's an incredibly sad story.
28:13He was three years, I think.
28:14Yeah, that's right.
28:15But remarkable work.
28:17Anyway, Hardy went in one day to sit at his bedside, and couldn't think of anything he
28:20was saying.
28:20And he said, well, Rumanijan, he said, the license number of the cab I came in was rather
28:25dull.
28:261729, that's not a very interesting number, is it?
28:28And Rumanijan instantly said, oh, on the contrary, it's the smallest number that is expressible
28:33as the sum of two cubes in two different ways.
28:38Which is pretty extraordinary, I think you'll have to admit.
28:40You've got to have quite a mathematical mind to see that.
28:42So that, for example, is an interesting number.
28:45I feel like Homer Simpson at the moment.
28:46What?
28:47No, no, no.
28:49Anyway.
28:50Anyway, there is...
28:51There is a number.
28:52Yeah.
28:53So we can get this and put these people out of their minds.
28:55Yeah.
28:56There is an online encyclopedia of integer sequences.
29:00Yeah.
29:00Which lists thousands of sequences of integers, which all have different qualities.
29:04And the smallest number, which does not appear in any of these lists, and is therefore uninteresting,
29:10is 12,407.
29:13But as Sandy rightly said, that makes it interesting.
29:15Yeah.
29:15It is the smallest number that does not appear to have any quality that, to a mathematician,
29:21is interesting.
29:22Oh, you feel kind of...
29:2312,407.
29:24No.
29:24So...
29:25That's the most famous number in the country.
29:26It now becomes, we hope, the most famous, after 1729.
29:29So...
29:30But it will now go on a list of QI facts.
29:32So now it will be on a list, and so...
29:34Yes.
29:35Google it now and it will appear.
29:36Yeah.
29:37But in pure mathematical terms, in arithmetical terms, it will remain uninteresting.
29:41You could make it...
29:42You could stick it on Big Brother.
29:43Yeah.
29:43You could let it win Britain's Got Talent.
29:45The mathematicians will always...
29:46What's happened...
29:48What's happened...
29:49What's happened, Sandy...
29:50What's happened, Sandy, is that it is still arithmetically uninteresting, but it has become
29:55culturally interesting.
29:56Ah.
29:56I think that's what...
29:57That's the difference.
29:58Very good.
29:59On that bombshell, let's move on.
30:01Sure.
30:03Now to something terribly important.
30:04Why did the MOD want the PM to join the AA?
30:08This...
30:08The present...
30:09David Cameron, PM, or any...
30:11The Prime Minister at the time was Harold Macmillan.
30:14Did the MOD want the country to become part of the temperance movement?
30:19Was there some...
30:19No, it's not that AA.
30:21The Automobile Association.
30:23The Automobile Association, exactly.
30:24That AA.
30:25Really?
30:25Yes.
30:26So Harold Macmillan was Prime Minister.
30:28What was going on in the world around that time?
30:30Cold War.
30:30The Cold War was at his absolute height.
30:33And they knew that Kennedy had this system where wherever he was, he could retaliate
30:37in case the Soviets sent missiles.
30:39And they thought, well, we'd better have a similar system.
30:43Um...
30:43And...
30:44And they thought, well...
30:45There's Lord Manbatten, who was the Chief Staff at the time.
30:48And they said, well, you know, you'd better have men going around with the Prime Minister
30:51who've got radios and things so that, in case there's news of a Soviet attack.
30:55And they said, well, that's far too expensive.
30:57And then the Prime Minister said, I don't want people following me around, going around
30:59me all the time.
31:00I said, well, we use the system the AA use.
31:02So, basically, the idea was that they would get a signal from the AA to the car if the
31:09Soviets had launched the strike.
31:10But that would mean the Prime Minister could then stop off at the nearest telephone and
31:15issue the order for a counter strike.
31:17And there were some very exciting memos.
31:20This is very British.
31:21You'll like this very much.
31:23Brian Saunders, who was the Private Secretary of the Minister, said, it will presumably
31:26be necessary for someone to make a daily or weekly call to the AA control station as
31:31a check that they're in working order.
31:33And I understand that if an emergency arose while the Prime Minister was on the road, the
31:38proposal is to use the radio to get him to a telephone.
31:41Perhaps we should see that our drivers are provided with four pennies.
31:46So they wouldn't thought it through.
31:48Imagine stopping the road, we're going to go, all right, we've got the signal.
31:51There are bombs on the way from the Soviet Union.
31:53We stop off at the nearest kiosk, and nobody's got any money.
31:56But they thought about that, the drivers might, but no.
31:58Gly, the Prime Minister's Private Principal Secretary, replied, shortage of pennies should
32:02not present any difficulties, such as you envisage.
32:05In such cases, it's a simple matter to have the cost of any telephone call transferred
32:10by dialing 100 and requesting reversal of the charge.
32:15This is all true!
32:17And this doesn't take any appreciable extra time.
32:20The system works in both normal and STD telephone kiosks, and our drivers are well aware of it.
32:26So we were safe all the time.
32:29The Prime Minister would have got a message, said, look, there's a red kiosk.
32:33It would have stopped, got in, and called up the operator and said,
32:37I want to call the Ministry of Defence and Bunker, and could you reverse the charge?
32:45It's the Prime Minister here. Oh, yes, get off the line.
32:48Doesn't he look marvellous?
32:50Didn't he not used to be, or have I misremembered this?
32:53They used to salute if you remember as you drove past.
32:57That's right, they used to salute.
32:57We should have that back again, that would be marvellous.
32:59We're veering off the road.
33:02But they had our security at heart, because Bly considered buying full membership of the RAC as well, just in
33:08case.
33:10They were really lashed out.
33:12But they discovered after the Cuban Missile Crisis that they didn't have any protocols in place for firing our nuclear
33:19weapons.
33:20I know.
33:21Which is how they've ended up with this thing where the Prime Minister, when you become Prime Minister, you sit
33:24down and write a letter to the Trident Captains that's then sent to the submarine.
33:29And when the captain gets the letter, he burns the old letter that's in the submarine's safe and replaces it
33:35with a new one.
33:36Really?
33:37Yeah.
33:38And apparently when you become Prime Minister, you're sat down and you're told there are four possible options of what
33:45you can tell the captain.
33:46One is to nuke Moscow, the other one's to surrender, the other one's to go to America and hand yourself
33:52over, and the other one's to go to Sydney.
33:53And no one knows what they write in the letters, and the letters are then destroyed when the government changes
33:59hands.
33:59Hang on.
34:00And the decision is made.
34:02Years, when they arrive in, they write it over.
34:05Yeah, they could change their minds.
34:06They could write another one and send another one.
34:08But how do you think they should change their mind as the situation unfolds at the time?
34:12Well, it's to do with the Today programme as well.
34:15They come up at 6 o'clock in the morning at GMT, and if the Today programme's not on Longwave,
34:22they assume the worst and open the safe.
34:25Oh, so would I.
34:26Good Lord, absolutely.
34:28John, I hope it wasn't there.
34:29What would you do?
34:30No.
34:30I hope they remember when it's a Sunday, there is no Today programme on Sunday.
34:34Well, I'm sure they've thought about that.
34:36I hope so.
34:38What if the war started in Sydney, and how do you get the letter to the government?
34:43Well, I think one of the options is also, you make your mind up.
34:46Yes.
34:47I bet all the captains have peaked in the letter.
34:49Well, you would peak.
34:50Steamed it open with a kettle.
34:52Oh.
34:54So I did Dave.
34:58Very strange.
34:59He's admitting that he doesn't really know what the big society means.
35:01Yeah.
35:02Anyway.
35:03And now it's time to include all of our incompetences into one easily managed inquiry that we call general ignorance.
35:09So fingers on buzzers.
35:10And what does the eye represent in the US dollar?
35:17Yes, Al.
35:18Free masonry?
35:19Oh, I knew you got into our chat there.
35:22I knew it.
35:23No.
35:23In fact, the eye was used as a symbol in freemasonry after the design of the dollar.
35:28It's just an all-seeing providence, supposedly, that's just there to show.
35:33It's a bit trippy though, isn't it?
35:35It is a bit weird thing to have on a dollar.
35:36It's a bit weird.
35:36It's a thing to have on.
35:37Benjamin Franklin, it's true, was a mason.
35:39He was the only one on the design committee of the dollar bill who was a mason.
35:42But he wasn't on the final committee.
35:44And the eye was not used as a masonic symbol until after.
35:47A committee designed that?
35:49Yes.
35:50It would be remarkable that you would get that passed a committee.
35:53And they'd go, yeah, why don't we stick a pyramid?
35:54We're all agreed.
35:56Floating eye.
35:57We like a floating, freaky, disembodied eye.
36:00We all like that?
36:01Yeah, sounds like a great idea.
36:02Let's all do that.
36:03I still want the clock and balls.
36:08Sure we just don't want like a natural scene, like maybe a river or something normal.
36:12No, no, no.
36:13A floating eye.
36:14A floating, disembodied, all-seeing eye above a pyramid.
36:17What could be more American than that?
36:20OK.
36:22Well, the extraordinary thing, of course, is that it hasn't changed.
36:25Ours changes all the time.
36:26And there's that old Chris question.
36:28Is it a hundred thousand acres, a million acres or ten million acres of woodland
36:32that is chopped down every year for making the American currency notes?
36:36No.
36:37Do you know which?
36:38They're not made of paper, probably.
36:40No, they're not made of paper, they're made of linen.
36:41So, no trees.
36:43What were the inhabitants of Mexico called before the Europeans arrived?
36:48I'm going to say Aztecs.
36:49Yeah.
36:50Oh, thank you.
36:51There you go.
36:52There you go.
36:54Mexicans.
36:55Yeah, basically Mexicans, if they call themselves, yeah.
36:58That's right.
36:59Aztec was a reference to an island in the middle of the lake from which they traced their source,
37:04but they didn't call themselves Aztecs at all.
37:06This really looks like a fantastic place.
37:07It looks great.
37:08Doesn't it?
37:09You can imagine how excited the Spanish were that they'd conquered it and killed all its
37:13people and stolen all its gold.
37:14Passive selection of Mexican transgender people.
37:18How can Europeans again?
37:20There are Nahuatl people and their language is Nahuatl.
37:23And there are words in English that are derived from Nahuatl.
37:27And there are points available if you can give me some Nahuatl words that we use in England.
37:31Chocolate.
37:32Chocolate is warm, very good.
37:34I've run out.
37:36Burrito.
37:37Burrito.
37:39Burrito.
37:42Burrito.
37:43Burrito is Spanish for little donkey.
37:45Ah.
37:45Because it's in the shape of a little donkey.
37:47Burrito, your breakfast burrito.
37:48No, it's not that.
37:50Guacamole.
37:51Guacamole, I don't think so.
37:53I think that's also Spanish.
37:54But...
37:55Free fried beans.
37:57Tequila.
37:58Tequila, I'll give you tequila definitely.
38:00Tequila, really?
38:00Tequila is a hard work.
38:02You're listening to me as...
38:03We knock the others out, that was in the process of elimination.
38:06As is so.
38:07That's not knowledge, that's a crap shoe.
38:10That's...
38:10Welcome to QI.
38:12Um...
38:12Timing, my friend.
38:13You could have tomato.
38:15Tomato?
38:15Tomato.
38:16Ayayayaya.
38:17Tomato.
38:18Very good.
38:19Tequila.
38:20Well, we've already had tequila.
38:21But I haven't yet, I haven't yet heard avocado.
38:24I said avocado.
38:25Ayayayayaya.
38:26Oh, did, you get the avocado points.
38:28Avocado.
38:29Yes.
38:31And breaking news, just coming in here, guacamole is an ahuatl word.
38:35Oh!
38:39Guacamole.
38:39Yeah.
38:41Yes, indeed.
38:42Sex and drugs and guacamole.
38:44Do you not think it sounds like Toad of Toad Hall's Mexican cousin?
38:49Guacamole.
38:50Guacamole.
38:51Guacamole's coming over.
38:53Chilli.
38:53Aye, aye, aye.
38:55You could have had chilli as well.
38:57Chilli.
38:58Just simply chilli.
38:58Yeah.
38:59Anyway, there we are.
39:00What did Prince Albert invent?
39:02Ah, a cock ring.
39:05Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.
39:11The comb over.
39:14There was, bizarrely, there was something he actually did invent, which is not quite as intimate as the item of
39:21piercing jewellery that you referred to.
39:23It's not the cutlass.
39:25No.
39:25No.
39:26He and Victoria married, they were very young, they were 20 years old, and she was very nervous.
39:30And she wrote a diary, as you may know, and it was quite an intimate diary, and she described the
39:35wedding night, the actual events, not the full physical details, but she described the experience as both gratifying and bewildering.
39:42Isn't it rather wonderful?
39:44Isn't it rather wonderful?
39:44We've all been there.
39:46So anyway, they enjoyed enough to have nine children, and what he invented was a device that allowed them to
39:53lock the bedroom door from the bed, to give them marital privacy.
39:58Isn't that rather splendid?
40:00Oh.
40:00Yeah.
40:01Dude.
40:02Yeah.
40:03What do you know?
40:04Excuse me, why not?
40:07Yeah.
40:08Sixteen.
40:08Yeah.
40:09So, but he wore very tight trousers, and this myth grew up in the middle of the 20th century that
40:14he somehow anchored his penis to one side of his body or another by means of some sort of ring
40:19that was therefore able to pull it backwards so that it wasn't on show at parties because he was a
40:25Victorian, and it would have been rude wearing such tight trousers.
40:27But there is no evidence for this.
40:29What noise does a mute swan make?
40:32And you're allowed to do an imitation, if you like?
40:35Hello.
40:35What?
40:38I could break your arm.
40:44It does that, doesn't it?
40:45Was that...
40:47Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
40:50No, well, you think, being called a mute swan, but I'm afraid again you've fallen into our trap.
40:54They sort of hoot, don't they, like a goose?
40:56Well, they did a whole range of noises that swans make, which is hissing, snorting, grunting, and indeed honking.
41:02They do all those noises.
41:03They are incredibly noisy.
41:04But they just do it more quietly than other species of swan, and therefore they were called the mute swan.
41:09They actually make a very loud noise when they fly.
41:11They are the heaviest bird that flies in all nature.
41:16They're rubbish landers, though.
41:17They are.
41:18They're really rubbish at landing.
41:20They come in, and the feet are going like this.
41:23That's my swan impersonation, landing on the Thames.
41:25Very good.
41:26Very good.
41:28Which brings us nicely and neatly to the swan song of the scores, and what remarkable reading they make too,
41:34ladies and gentlemen.
41:34In first place, with a majestic plus-11, Sandy Toksvig.
41:44And in a very creditable second place, with plus-6, Dara O'Brien.
41:54And first-timer, Al Murray can hardly be ashamed of minus-13.
42:05And Alan is all too used to bringing up the rear with minus-22.
42:15Oh, what's left to me to do is to thank Sandy, Dara, Alan, and, of course, Alan.
42:20And I leave you with this piece of sound financial advice from Will Rogers.
42:24A fool and his money are soon elected.
42:27Good night.
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