- 2 days ago
First broadcast 30th October 2003.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Clive Anderson
Linda Smith
Sean Lock
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Clive Anderson
Linda Smith
Sean Lock
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello and welcome to QI, the quiz that asks the question,
00:04if ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world, then?
00:08Joining me tonight, I'm delighted to say,
00:11are four people who don't even know the meaning of the word ignorance.
00:13Alan Davis, Linda Smith, Sean Locke and Clive Anderson.
00:22The rules are as short, simple and memorable as my underwear.
00:26Out of the generosity of my heart, I give the panel points for being interesting.
00:31None of us will be any the wiser, but at least we will all go home cheerful.
00:34There are no wrong answers, only boring ones, predictable ones,
00:38which attract this hullabaloo.
00:44The panel can also draw attention to themselves more discreetly, like this.
00:48Clive goes...
00:52Sean goes...
00:56Linda goes...
00:58And Alan goes...
01:03Oh, hello.
01:06Friend.
01:07And I go, Gozo's the second largest town in Malta,
01:10and that sort of frightfully interesting stuff.
01:12So, let's have the first question.
01:14Alan, an elephant walks into a bar.
01:17What do you offer it to drink?
01:20An actual elephant?
01:21Imagine, let's suppose.
01:22It's not a euphemism for something else.
01:25No, no.
01:27One of those has him behind you.
01:30A pachyderm.
01:31Should a pachyderm...
01:33Yes.
01:33...go into a bar?
01:34Yes.
01:34It's a convoluted way.
01:35They don't drink.
01:37What don't they drink?
01:38They don't drink anything.
01:39They get all of the moisture they need from the grass that they eat.
01:44Which is the only reason you never see them in the pub.
01:48I don't think they get enough moisture, because they've got very wrinkly skin.
01:52Very wrinkly skin, because they don't drink.
01:54So, all those shots of them around water holes, they're just acting there.
01:59Drinking all that water, they're just putting that on.
02:00No, they squirt it on each other.
02:02Oh.
02:05Perhaps it is some kind of euphemism in that case.
02:09So, drinking, when we say, do you drink, is he a drinker, we mean, usually, alcohol, yes.
02:14But they do drink alcohol, they have alcohol, they get fruit which ferments, and they eat it, and they get
02:19drunk.
02:20Have I...
02:21Have I...
02:21You're so right, you've got yourself five points there, Australia.
02:23Is that the right answer?
02:24Yeah, it is.
02:25But really, you shouldn't offer them alcohol, because, rather like humans, elephants get incredibly stroppy.
02:30They can smell ethanol fermenting in fruit for up to ten miles away, and the effect is catastrophic.
02:38So, you can offer them anything, any drink, they'll have them.
02:40Well, that's right, but they become uncoordinated, they become aggressive.
02:43Do they take it down the trunk?
02:48After a few drinks, they'll take it anywhere.
02:52Oh, dear.
02:54But I think I actually, I have seen an elephant with a bottle of beer, taking it and tipping it
02:59back.
03:00So, fruit-based, like alco-pops.
03:02They wouldn't be a breezer, not a Guinness.
03:04Bacardi breezer, they don't.
03:05Do they see pink human beans when they...
03:08Yes.
03:10Human beings are pink.
03:11Well, that's true.
03:14They have little miniature frozen human beings in their drinks.
03:17Oh, yes, they do.
03:19No, that's right, it's a mistake to offer them alcohol.
03:21200 people every year die from elephant rampages, many of which, of course.
03:25What, when they're drunk?
03:26Many of them, not all, obviously.
03:28Do they drink to forget, obviously?
03:30I think we're just going to throw us through the bar.
03:34There you go.
03:35There you go.
03:36Excellent.
03:38Now we're going to have a question straight from the National Curriculum, Grade 4, Section 14, English Language, Literature and
03:44Ringroads.
03:45Clive, describe either James Bond's Bradford or his Vespa.
03:51Well, is James Bond's Bradford a bit like, is it James Hewitt's Yorkshire or Thomas Hardy's Wessex?
04:00They're just rebranding it.
04:02So, in describing James Bond...
04:03James Herriot, rather.
04:04James Hewitt.
04:04Sorry, James Hewitt Spencer.
04:07I sense I got it wrong, yeah, but I couldn't quite put your finger on it.
04:11Is it an item of clothing or a briefcase or a pair of shoes?
04:14No, it's closer than the city in Yorkshire, certainly.
04:20Oh, what is he writing almost best known for?
04:24Martinis.
04:25Yes.
04:26Ian Fleming worked in naval intelligence during the war.
04:29He did.
04:30Is that interesting enough?
04:32Pretty well known, though, isn't it, dear?
04:33Really.
04:35Sorry, did I call you dear?
04:36Yeah.
04:38I'm sorry.
04:39So sorry.
04:40How that happened?
04:41I do apologise.
04:43It's, in fact, the official name for a martini that is shaken and not stirred.
04:48Most martinis are stirred.
04:50But when it's shaken, it's called Bradford.
04:52They're very specific names.
04:53If you put two olives on a stick, it's called a Franklin after Franklin Roosevelt.
04:57Yes.
04:57If you put a cocktail onion on the stick, it's called a...
05:00It's called a cocktail onion on a stick.
05:03Well, obviously, it's called something.
05:04Yes, it's called the Gibson.
05:05Yes.
05:05But, in fact, because the Bradford contains three measures of Gordon's,
05:10one measure of an extraordinary sort of vermouth called Kina Lillette,
05:15it says when you're looking at it.
05:16I'm sure it must be pronounced Lie, I suppose.
05:19I mean, if you put a Lynette in there, you wouldn't have any drinks at me.
05:25Why would you...
05:26If someone said to offer me a drink called a Bradford,
05:28I'd assume it's like vodka and a rash of streaky bacon sticking out of the tongue.
05:32Maybe a pork pie on a knitting needle.
05:34Something like that.
05:35Well, is there an official place in Mudd's name?
05:38I mean, why is a rusty nail called a rusty nail and all the Collins family have drinks named on
05:42them?
05:42Is there a clearinghouse?
05:44There are histories of this.
05:44I mean, the first Bloody Mary was actually in St. Wendy's Hotel in New York
05:50and was actually called a Red Snapper, which is rather a good name for it.
05:53In Australia, they call a Virgin Mary, they call a bloody shame, which is always a good name.
05:59They're all very good.
06:01They're all kinds of good names, yeah.
06:03I mean, of course, cocktails developed during Prohibition
06:07because the bathtub gin was so notoriously gut-rotting and tasting so dreadful
06:12that all kinds of additions were made to it.
06:14But Bond insisted on a shot of vodka, so he had his...
06:17It's usually six to one, six gin to one of vermouth or vermouth, whichever you prefer.
06:22And he added this vodka, which makes it strictly not a martini,
06:25so Bond actually gave his own name, which was a Vespa.
06:28There's a rather good phrase in one of the Bond books.
06:31To Bond, the best drink of the day was the drink he had in his head
06:35before the first drink of the day.
06:37Oh, fine, yeah.
06:38We sort of know...
06:39I don't really like James Bond.
06:40No, he's cruel.
06:42He's a cruel man.
06:42No, I don't think I'd like him.
06:43If I met him, I think I'd think he's a bit of a prat.
06:45Yes.
06:47He's like, blah, blah, blah, blah.
06:48Blah, blah, blah, blah.
06:49I'm undoing your zit with my magnet.
06:52Oh, ho, ho, ho.
06:52Yes.
06:53Alan, you should read the books because there's no time to read the books.
06:56I haven't read all yours yet.
06:57Well, no, that's...
06:58No, nobody's done that.
06:59Read Fleming first.
07:01Read Fleming first.
07:02Yeah, they're awfully good.
07:02They really are.
07:03The chap at Casino Royale begins, Bond lit his 80th cigarette of the day.
07:07Now, how can you dislike a man?
07:09I mean, that's...
07:10It's full of interesting stuff.
07:12For instance, Bond has these strange ideas.
07:14He has this idea that homosexuals can't whistle, for example.
07:18Because I think it's a lot of much of a laugh.
07:20There's a cock in their mouth.
07:20Yeah.
07:29I want you to go and stand in the corner.
07:32You just put your lips together and blow.
07:37I've had a blowjob.
07:38You can easily say the word windmobble.
07:39Yeah.
07:40Which is a cocktail.
07:42And you get it in a shooter glass and it's got something like drambuie or baileys or something in it.
07:47Oh, how sophisticated.
07:48And then it's got...
07:50Just a hint of this one.
07:54And then it's got whipped cream out of a can on the top of it.
07:59Oh, that sounds like a lovely drink, Fallon.
08:01And you get it put on the counter like that and you're not allowed to use your hands to drink
08:04it.
08:05Hence, it's because someone grody up.
08:07Oh, God.
08:09So you have to put your hands behind your back and go like that and you're...
08:12I've never been to Essex.
08:14Anyway.
08:18Anyway, that's another alcohol for me.
08:21I'm ready for athletics.
08:22Now, Sean, in 1913, the world long jump champion was an Englishman who could leap backwards from the floor onto
08:30a mantelpiece without losing his balance.
08:33What interesting position was he offered after the First World War?
08:37There he is.
08:38But he's playing cricket.
08:39He was an extraordinary sportsman.
08:41He could...
08:42And he could...
08:42When you said he could leap backwards.
08:44He could leap backwards from a stationary position onto a mantelpiece.
08:48Just leap.
08:49He was described by John Arlott as the most very talented Englishman ever born.
08:54He was captain England and Surrey for cricket.
08:57He appeared in a FA Cup final.
09:00He had the world long jump record.
09:01This isn't your relative, is it?
09:03It is CB Fry, yes.
09:05What I want to know is how did he discover he could do that?
09:07I suppose he interfaces.
09:09Yeah, but...
09:10How do you find out you can do that?
09:12You can just be standing in front of the fireplace and go...
09:17Wait, is it a really boring party?
09:20Lord Delfont was chained to return for a can of play?
09:23Whoop, I'm out of here.
09:24Maybe there was a rattlesnake on the floor or something like that.
09:27Well, he was...
09:28Somebody came in looking for a cocktail and said, I fancy a blowjob.
09:30And he would have...
09:32No, he was a Fry.
09:34He would have welcomed...
09:35He would have...
09:40Just put himself in a better position.
09:42What is his name?
09:44Charles Burgess Fry, CB Fry, the greatest all-rounder of the country's ever produced.
09:47What was the question?
09:47What extraordinary position was he offered after the First World War?
09:51And also...
09:51But was that a mantelpiece with or without ornaments?
09:55Yeah.
09:56Without ornaments.
09:57I'd say it was someone who had a big tank of tropical fish.
10:00Yeah.
10:01The best is mantelpiece leaping, you just clear it.
10:04You're doing most of the stuff off it.
10:05Maybe he was on the mantelpiece...
10:07Mm-hmm.
10:07...loss his balance...
10:09...and thought, I must get back up before anyone's noticed.
10:13Lost his balance, fell on the sofa, bounced back up...
10:16Yeah.
10:17And why me?
10:18Did you just jump backwards onto that mantelpiece?
10:20Or was it one of these sports we play?
10:23It's a very old English pursuit, jumping backwards.
10:26Yes.
10:27And there's a famous canal jumper from the Black Country, something like Jack Darby.
10:30And he could leap 32 foot across a canal from a standing jump.
10:34There's a statue of him on one of the canals.
10:36And the way he did it was weights.
10:37He had two weights in his arms.
10:39And he'd swing them like that.
10:40Like a man's arm.
10:41And then throw them, and they'd take him across, and he'd go, hmm, to the other side.
10:47And his name was something like Jack Darby, and he died in the 30s.
10:51He died in the campground, didn't he?
10:52He could also, he had the world.
10:54The statues of the way that he had commemorated the year.
10:57I think he had the world jumping backwards record, 13 foot.
11:01Oh, there you are.
11:02Well, there you are, you see, it means something.
11:03Well, see me fried to bring us back to Charles Burgess.
11:05I was just thinking, did he not feel, you know, once he'd done the mantelpiece thing and everyone went, no,
11:10that's fantastic.
11:11Yes.
11:12Right, that is so brilliant.
11:13After that, you think he maybe started to pall a bit.
11:15They think, oh, he's doing the mantelpiece thing again.
11:18It's the thing he did probably.
11:20It was just a party piece he did three or four times.
11:22It wasn't enough that he headed the class list at Oxford.
11:24He had the world long jump record.
11:26He played in an FA Cup final, captain England and headed England batting averages for four years in succession, spoke
11:32five languages.
11:33And what was this extraordinary position?
11:35Well, he was obviously a member of the Fry family.
11:38Well, that is extraordinary.
11:40He was often the quiz master on a panel game.
11:42No, I agree with you.
11:43He was the position by, a governmental thing?
11:47By the most governmental thing that existed after the First World War.
11:51League of Nations.
11:51The League of Nations.
11:52So he was head of the League of Nations.
11:53No, he was referee.
11:54He refereed the playoffs for the League of Nations.
11:57No, no, no.
11:58He was president of the League of Nations.
12:00No, more important.
12:01King.
12:01King.
12:02King of the League of Nations.
12:03No, not of the League of Nations.
12:04One of the nations within the League of Nations.
12:07Oh, he was king of Albania.
12:08It was often the throne of Albania.
12:10Yes.
12:11There you are.
12:11Finally, we got that.
12:12Well done.
12:12He said, I do want the throne.
12:13Just give me the mantelpiece.
12:15No.
12:16No, stop.
12:17I wish I never mentioned the bloody mantelpiece.
12:18How high is that?
12:19It was just one of the many things he could do.
12:22All right?
12:22Let's not refine on it.
12:23Let's not make it too big a deal.
12:25He did it once or twice.
12:26Well, the reason he was offered it was his great friend was Prince Ranjitsinji.
12:30Together, he and Fry dominated the cricketing world.
12:33It was known as the golden age of cricket still is.
12:35And Prince Ranjitsinji was an important officer in the League of Nations when it was founded.
12:39And he brought Fry along as a speechwriter to the League of Nations.
12:43And they met the Albanian delegation, which was rather unhappy because the king of Albania had been deposed and run
12:49away.
12:50And so they offered Fry the throne.
12:52And he accepted.
12:53But his friend Hilaire Belloc, the poet, said, no.
12:56He said, don't accept it.
12:57He said, all you need is a cellar full of wine and the society of those who love you.
13:01Turn it down.
13:02So he did.
13:03He was kind of raising out.
13:04He was talking bellocs, wasn't he?
13:06Because what a great thing to be king of Albania.
13:08Well, I don't know.
13:09The next king was King Zog, who had a very short tenure and fled.
13:12Anyway, one of the things on the subject of Albania on its throne that might have attracted the Albanians to
13:18Fry was his moustache, his tash.
13:20The Albanian language has an extraordinary richness of vocabulary as far as facial hair is concerned,
13:25with 27 different words to describe the shape of moustaches and 30 for eyebrows.
13:32For example, vetulang means someone with very pushy eyebrows.
13:37Vetulor means slightly arched eyebrow.
13:41Vetulor is someone with very thick eyebrows.
13:43So, Linda, what is vetuluche?
13:46Do you imagine?
13:48Well, I don't know.
13:49You say they've had, they've got 30 words.
13:5230 words for types of eyebrow.
13:54Well, we've obviously got more words than that, haven't we?
13:56Because they've got one word for very bushy eyebrow.
13:59We've got three words.
14:10Are they short of conversation in Albania?
14:13They probably are, it's a pretty poor place.
14:16I'll tell you what though, I bet, you know, the Albanian police always get their man, don't they?
14:20Because that identikit picture would be pretty accurate.
14:23I think they used the magnet man with the iron filing.
14:27And eyebrow that meets in the middle, you know, the ones that...
14:29That's true, there should be words.
14:30Yeah.
14:30Well, there must be an Albanian.
14:31Yes, you do.
14:33Josephus, the Jewish historian,
14:36Yes.
14:36Reckoned that Jesus had a monobrow.
14:40I thought there was something shifty about this.
14:43Well, where did they get that from?
14:44Because there's no description of Jesus in the Bible at all.
14:46Too good to be true, wasn't it?
14:48Yeah, exactly.
14:49It's actually, but she is the Albanian for a goat,
14:53but a special kind of goat, one with brown eyebrows.
14:56Oh, they look lovely.
14:58They are.
14:59They are very obsessed.
15:00And with goats like that, you should imagine,
15:01they'd be very happy people, wouldn't you?
15:04Why would goats need eyebrows, really?
15:06To express surprise.
15:08Quizzical.
15:12What's that called?
15:14That bit there.
15:15I have no idea.
15:16It's just where you're...
15:17The philtrum.
15:18Yeah, but why is it a groove?
15:19Why is it like a little gutter?
15:20There's nothing that actually comes out of that middle bit, does it?
15:22It goes either side.
15:24It runs into that, doesn't it?
15:26Yeah, no, it doesn't.
15:26It goes either side.
15:27I mean, nothing goes in there.
15:29You've got a big lump of fat.
15:30It's stupid, that is.
15:32All right, Albania is the poorest country in Europe,
15:35with more than 60% of its population living in mountainous rural areas.
15:39Animals and facial hair are all they have.
15:42Albania may be the only language in Europe where the word for male sheep,
15:46dash, is the same word for a well-turned-out and attractive young man.
15:50Now, fingers on the buzzers for this one.
15:52What is the difference between a pink fairy and a green fairy?
15:56La fée verte.
15:58Yeah.
15:58The green fairy, does that ring any bells with you?
16:00Oh, yes.
16:00The green fairy.
16:01What is the fée verte.
16:01Absolutely.
16:02Absanthe.
16:02Well done, Linda, give you ten points for that, absolutely right.
16:05Absanthe is the green fairy.
16:06The pink fairy is a type of armadillo.
16:08All right.
16:09What sort of animal do you think, I'll give five points for this,
16:11what sort of animal is an armadillo?
16:14Is it an anteater?
16:15It is an anteater.
16:16I mean, is it a reptile?
16:17Is it an animal?
16:18Is it a same as a badger, that one, is it?
16:20It's a mammal, isn't it?
16:21It's a mammal.
16:22Absolutely right, I'll give you five points for that.
16:22It's unusual in many respects.
16:25It's the only mammal that can, apart from mankind,
16:26that can get leprosy.
16:28Armadillos give birth to four identical, same-sexed baby armadillos,
16:33all from the same egg, all come from the same egg,
16:36which is unique.
16:36The male armadillo has a penis two-thirds the length of its body.
16:40Right.
16:40It's a joke.
16:43You'll find, Clive, that that is the normal proportion.
16:45Is it?
16:47You lucky girl.
16:50What alteration to the human anatomy did Benjamin Franklin think
16:55would vastly increase human happiness?
16:57Is it something to do with health?
16:59Not really.
17:00Like smoke-proof lungs or something like that?
17:02It's as mad as that.
17:03Self-cleaning arsehole.
17:06He's so close.
17:08What's anyone in the nation?
17:10Farts.
17:11No farting.
17:12No, he thought more farting.
17:14A small exhaust pipe.
17:15The ability.
17:16He could run up onto, like a diesel lorry,
17:19so I have a little sort of cap on it.
17:20Right there, he would go, ah.
17:25Steam-powered trousers.
17:27Why not?
17:29Look at him.
17:29It looks like it's just smell.
17:30It smells like it, isn't it?
17:32Sometimes we've just done it in front of him.
17:34And therefore, he thought,
17:36wouldn't the world be a better place
17:37if we could all discharge wind freely from the bowels...
17:40Without it smelling?
17:41Without it smelling.
17:42If he could find a drug to render all fart.
17:44Oh, there's no need for that.
17:46It's actually a visual aid.
17:48Jerry Halliwell's not looking so finished.
17:55Anyway, he believed that this would do more good
17:58than the works of Descartes, Aristotle and Newton put together.
18:02Franklin was an extraordinary man,
18:04scientist, philosopher, inventor of bifocals
18:06and of the fire brigade.
18:08He also helped Washington and Jefferson
18:10prepare the American Constitution.
18:11Well, they refused to let him draft it
18:12because they worried that he would put jokes in.
18:17Anyway, yes, fart jokes.
18:19Perfumed fart jokes, I suppose.
18:20Exactly.
18:21Incidentally, while we're on the subject of Americans,
18:22if any of you do find any weapons of mass destruction
18:25under your seats,
18:27if you could forward them to the government,
18:28because they've looked everywhere.
18:31Oh, they'll be the last place they look.
18:34That's right.
18:35Well, we have to end the progues of mass, aren't we?
18:38I'm like that with scissors.
18:42Turn the house.
18:43Mind you, the difference is I have been stockpiling scissors
18:45for the last 20 years.
18:47That's worrying.
18:48Now, what was the first processed food
18:50produced by H.J. Hines in 1869?
18:54Fingers on buzzers.
18:55Yes.
18:55Ketchup.
18:56Oh!
18:57Oh, I was wondering.
19:00Finally, God damn it.
19:01Tomato, ketchup, is not the right answer.
19:03No, no.
19:04No, we predicted that.
19:05Yes.
19:06Baked beans.
19:07Oh!
19:08Oh, I don't know.
19:11Oh, dear me.
19:12That's a minus of least.
19:13Yes.
19:14Mayonnaise.
19:15No, you're safe on that one.
19:17We're big German there.
19:18Mini chicken keel.
19:18Not mini chicken keel.
19:21Pickle.
19:22I know it's a hot one, though.
19:23It's hot one, not mustard.
19:24Horseradish.
19:24Horseradish, it is.
19:25Oh, well done.
19:26Well done.
19:27There you are.
19:28Horseradish.
19:31And the, if I may chip in, as far as I know, there never were, they were always, when
19:36they had that slogan, 57 varieties, there were always many more than 57, right?
19:39They just used 57 because it sounded such a good number.
19:42Absolutely right, Clive.
19:43I'll give you a five for coming in with that.
19:45They never had 57.
19:46In fact, now they have more than 6,000 varieties, so they claim.
19:50They just like the number 57.
19:51They're rather obsessed with it.
19:52Their phone number is 5757.
19:55Their address is PO Box 57 Pittsburgh, if you wanted to write.
19:59They probably milked that idea, really.
20:00Who do you think might have been the first customer in Britain, who bought, I mean, a retailer, not
20:06an individual?
20:07It's Fortnum & Mason.
20:08Fortnum & Mason is the right answer.
20:09He sold them door-to-door in glass jars at Heinz so his customers could see it was free
20:13from such fillers as wood fibre and turnip and other such things.
20:16Heinz tomato ketchup followed in 1875, actually.
20:19And it wasn't until 1895 that he perfected the perfect baked bean.
20:23To this day, supposedly, only four members of the Heinz family know the baked bean recipe.
20:28So, now that we're within sniffing distance at the end, as Benjamin Franklin might have
20:32said, fingers on the buzzers, please, for another round of general ignorance.
20:37How long do your fingernails and hair grow after you're dead?
20:42Two foot.
20:46No, no, no, no.
20:49I'm just, I'm just fascinated to know that your hair grows after you die, because I'm
20:53looking forward to that.
21:00This is discussed a great length in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, and I think it's
21:04about, sort of, two hours or something like that.
21:05Yeah.
21:06In fact, it doesn't at all.
21:07Oh.
21:07Neither, neither, um, fingernails and hair are the same substance, keratin.
21:11It's a complete myth.
21:12The skin merely tightens, creating an illusion of growth.
21:15Anyway, what do bananas grow on?
21:19Yes.
21:19Well, they're monocotyledons, and they grow up like that, and they grow on banana, uh,
21:23trees, they call it.
21:25Ah, the lochies.
21:25They're not really trees.
21:26They're not trees.
21:27No, no, no, no.
21:28No, no, no, no.
21:29No, take it back, take it back, studio.
21:31Fifteen plants.
21:32Oh, they are a herb.
21:33Distinguished by not having a woody stem, essentially, and by dying back after seeding.
21:37They walk.
21:39I'm sorry?
21:40Banana plants, whatever you want to call them, walk.
21:42Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.
21:44No, they do.
21:46They do.
21:47I've been to Columbia, I've traveled to Columbia, and I went to a banana plantation.
21:51Yes, well, if you go to a banana plantation, you see, these things will happen.
21:55I went to a banana plantation, and I was admiring this banana.
21:59Sniff my bananas.
22:00And I said, hold on a minute, I said, hold on a minute, to the guy, why is there that
22:04big patch to the left of the field?
22:06He said, because the plants, they walk, and they need a lot of room.
22:11So, basically, you need lots of room, because plants, they move, they walk, they move.
22:14So, they have to make the field slightly larger than you, when you plant a strip, and
22:17you leave a strip, because they just move across, like that.
22:19We shall, I shall, I shall help.
22:21You know, like Betty and Keppel, when they walk.
22:22Sean, Sean, as, as Clive said, the banana plant is actually a herb, because the stem does
22:28not contain woody tissue, and the banana fruit is technically a berry, in fact, or a juicy
22:33ovary containing seeds to you.
22:35Now, what, um, sort, yes, stop it.
22:39Oh, he's giggling in the back row, miss.
22:42The intelligent voice in my ear tells me, you're absolutely right, Sean.
22:45They do walk.
22:46They walk up to 40 centimetres in their lifetime.
22:48Yes!
22:55What sort of mother gives birth to either a baby lily, or a baby titty?
23:00Maybe it should be li-lion titty, maybe.
23:03Yes.
23:04Oh, it's obviously armadillos.
23:05No, it's not.
23:06There'd be four.
23:06There'd be four names, obviously.
23:07Yes, you see, exactly.
23:09Sorry?
23:09Pandas.
23:10Not pandas?
23:11No.
23:12No.
23:12What sort of mother?
23:12Dogs, cats, horses, cows.
23:15Well...
23:19If I say it should be li-li and tie-tie, it's because it's something to do with li and
23:25tie.
23:26What animals begin with li and tie?
23:28Lions and tigers.
23:29Lions and tigers, exactly.
23:31And if a lion mates with a tiger, you get a scandal.
23:41A liger.
23:43You should call them sergeant, because they all have three stripes.
23:46What happens is you also get a liger that mates with a lion and produces a li-lion, and
23:50a taigong, which mates with a tiger, produces a tie-tie, anyway.
23:53Lions and tigers never account in one little in the wild, of course, because lions are from
23:57Africa and tigers are from Asia, different continents.
24:00But they had bred successfully in captivity.
24:01Oh, I think it was a club they went to.
24:03Yeah, no.
24:07A cross between a female lion and a male tiger, it's called a taigong, which is an even rarer animal.
24:13Teflon is a non-stick.
24:18It's a one who's a lion.
24:19Someone in Iceland.
24:19No, too pumped.
24:21Yes.
24:21But not for the space program.
24:23No.
24:23Not exactly.
24:25If a lion mates with a lorry tyre, it comes out as a li-low.
24:32Yeah!
24:33Very good.
24:33That wasn't worth waiting for. Carry on.
24:35Carry on with that.
24:37Fingers on buzzers.
24:38Who coined the phrase, survival of the fittest,
24:40and what was his greatest discovery?
24:43Yes. I know I'm not...
24:44I'm going to avoid saying...
24:46It must have been the guy called Wallace,
24:47who sent in stuff to Darwin.
24:51No. Yes.
24:52Kevin King.
24:54And that stuff that keeps you perm tight.
24:58I'm telling you.
24:59I'm sorry? Darwin.
25:00Darwin.
25:01Darwin.
25:03Why did you do it to us, yourself,
25:05to anybody? Not Charles Darwin.
25:07No, no. I've worked out the logic of this game.
25:10You couldn't say Charles Darwin.
25:11It can't be that obvious. The phrase, survivor of the fittest,
25:13was in fact, Herbert Spencer.
25:15And his greatest achievement, Herbert Spencer,
25:17was the paperclip, which he invented.
25:19He was just sitting twiddling with another paperclip,
25:22and he came up with that one.
25:24He was an engineer, philosopher, and a psychologist,
25:26who in his day was as famous as Darwin.
25:28He first coined the phrase, survivor of the fittest.
25:30It doesn't appear in the original Origin of Species by Charles Darwin,
25:32though Darwin adapted it or adopted it for later editions.
25:35Norwegians will tell you proudly, very proudly,
25:38that the paperclip is a Norwegian invention.
25:40Johan Waller in 1899.
25:42But Spencer patented his design for paperclips,
25:45almost 30 years before Waller in the 1860s.
25:47But his supplier went bankrupt, then he became ill for 20 years of his life,
25:51and never followed it up.
25:52He sent in his patent application with the sort of papers all back.
25:56What is your invention? See, top left-hand corner.
25:58There's nothing there.
25:59But today...
26:02Today, more than 11 billion paperclips are sold annually, as a matter of fact,
26:05but a recent survey claimed that of every 100,000 sold,
26:09only one in five are actually used to hold papers together.
26:11The rest are used as poker chips, pipe cleaners, safety pins, toothpicks.
26:16The others are dropped and lost or bent out of shape during awkward phone calls.
26:20Have you ever bought a paperclip?
26:21Er, no, I don't think I've never bought a paperclip.
26:23They don't have them in one.
26:24They don't have them in one.
26:25No.
26:26I've got one paperclip.
26:27You don't have one paperclip.
26:28I have a hundredth of a penny here.
26:32There you go.
26:33Would you like it wrapped, sir?
26:35But, er, on that merry note, we must pause, hold hands,
26:38and contemplate the mystery of the final scores.
26:41Oh, no.
26:41In, er, last place, I fear, with minus 30 points.
26:49Er, I'm so sorry.
26:53You must put your, er...
26:54You must put your, er...
26:55That means I didn't get a point all night.
26:57No, I'm sorry.
26:57You must put your belly on the ground, as they say in Albania,
27:00for being laughed.
27:01I'm sorry about that.
27:02Er, in, er, third place, it's Sean, with 25.
27:06Er, in second place, Linda, with 30 QI points.
27:09What?
27:10It means our runaway winner today, with 37 points, is Clive Epps.
27:13Oh, well, thank you very much.
27:15Very awesome.
27:22So, as we've made a cheerful farewell to Clive, Sean, Linda, and Alan,
27:26a final reminder of why the battle for interestingness matters.
27:29When a market research team was asked recently to come up with a new name for the merger
27:34between a university and a college in Bradford, they took three months, this company, to suggest
27:38the following alternatives.
27:40University of Bradford, THE University of Bradford, or Bradford University.
27:48Their fee was £20,000.
27:51Good night.
27:52...
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