- 13 hours ago
First broadcast 15th October 2010.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Sean Lock
Ross Noble
Ruby Wax
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Sean Lock
Ross Noble
Ruby Wax
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00I
00:30Hello! How do you do? How do you do? Howdy, howdy, howdy, doody, how do you do?
00:37Welcome to the QI Zoo for a show about animals that start with an H.
00:42Lined up for feeding time, we have the hawk-eyed Sean Locke.
00:49The hair-footed Ross Noble.
00:54The heavily petted Ruby Wax.
01:00And the hung-like-a-horse fly, Alan Davis.
01:07Now, let's have a peep at your horns.
01:12Sean goes...
01:15Ruby goes...
01:17Oh, that's a woman's sound.
01:20Ross goes...
01:23And Alan goes...
01:29Oh, yes.
01:31So, where better to begin than question one?
01:33Let's start with an opportunity for some easy points.
01:36Two points for each animal you can name that has horns.
01:41Goat, elk, buffalo, ox, Dixon, Prancer, Rudolph.
01:47Cats who dress up as devils on Halloween.
01:50Oxen, did I say that?
01:52Goats, my mother.
01:54Unicorn.
01:55Unicorn, no!
01:58Why?
02:00Why?
02:01Rino.
02:01Oh, that's for the first one.
02:07Antelope.
02:08Cat.
02:08Antelope.
02:09I already said that.
02:10What about a Viking dog?
02:12There we go.
02:13Does it have the horns?
02:15It might.
02:16Yeah.
02:16It might be, it might.
02:17Now, strictly speaking, I know you're going to say, but the Vikings didn't have the horns on.
02:20The point about a horn is that it must be bone.
02:23Technically, a horn is bone, not what a rhino has, which is...
02:28Hair.
02:28Hair, exactly.
02:29Yeah, but tell that to the rhino.
02:31Yeah, exactly.
02:32It's still a horn.
02:33I think you'll find it's a horn.
02:34There's nothing, there's nothing.
02:35I don't know if you've ever seen a wet rhino, but it actually just flops down.
02:39And quite often, you'll find that, like, on nature programs, when you zoom in on the sound,
02:45you hear them going, oh, I'm having a bad horn day.
02:48All the time.
02:49They've got split ends.
02:50I thought it was a, like a fingernail.
02:52You thought it was a what?
02:52Made out of toenail.
02:54Well, it's the same thing as hair.
02:56So is your nails and your hair keratin.
02:59Keratin.
03:00I had no idea.
03:01If we let it just go, eventually, we would have a horn?
03:05Humans can have horns, funnily enough.
03:08There was a late 18th century nun, the nun of Feltzer, who grew a horn.
03:12Her nunnery was invaded by Napoleonic troops.
03:16And she grew that horn specifically to ward off people attacking the nunnery.
03:20She went, I've got a brilliant idea.
03:21Let's not get spears and knives.
03:23No, she was locked in an asylum.
03:24And she banged her head regularly against the wall or against a table.
03:29And she started to grow a horn.
03:31It was a brilliant thing.
03:32I'm doing it.
03:33Come on.
03:36She eventually had it cut off because it was going into her eye.
03:38What a waste, because what she should have done is had a Bible with a hook on it and she
03:42could have just hung it there and she could have been teeling potatoes reading the Bible.
04:16You're right.
04:17It's like she's put half a croissant.
04:19It does.
04:20It's like all that banging and the mother superior should have just cut half a croissant and a little bit
04:26of jam and that would have done the job.
04:28And she went, oh, and stabbed herself in the hand.
04:32Is an antler a horn?
04:33Yes.
04:34I know.
04:35Ah, no.
04:36An antler is different.
04:37Why is an antler different?
04:38Made of wood.
04:40They grow.
04:41An antler is different because it's shed.
04:42It's shed.
04:43Yes.
04:44Every year.
04:44So what do they keep in this shed?
04:46No.
04:47I just have not made a shed.
04:48They keep their antlers in a shed.
04:49So when they, so, so, like when the two.
04:52I know so little.
04:54So when the two horned creatures are, you know, going out.
04:57When they lock horns.
04:58Yeah, yeah.
04:59Does that ever happen with nuns?
05:02That's my Bible.
05:03It's not my Bible.
05:06I'd walk a mile on broken glass to see that.
05:10I'd also appear to hunt them as well.
05:12Some people fantasize about that image.
05:15They do.
05:16Two nuns locking horns.
05:18Oh, wow.
05:18That animal on the left.
05:19I hope it's called the Mr. Whippy Goat.
05:24Whoever named it Mr. Real Opportunity.
05:26I doubt if it is called the Mr. Whippy Goat.
05:28No, because it's more of an antelope than a goat.
05:30But it isn't.
05:31It's.
05:31The animal on the left.
05:33You say that it's evolved to have some kind of fear of sound.
05:38Is it?
05:38Yes.
05:40They are being receptive.
05:40Perhaps it's predators maybe sneak up on it.
05:44Yeah.
05:45It is.
05:46It is blessed.
05:46It is a nervous thing.
05:47It's the Princess Leia of the, of the moose world.
05:50It sort of is.
05:51We need bigger ears because they're still sneaking up on us.
05:55So those are all proper horns there.
05:56On the antelope and on the horned toad and on the, what's the other one?
06:01Buffalo.
06:01A buffalo, yes.
06:02I think the buffalo's horns would be evolved so that nobody took it seriously.
06:06Yes.
06:07They looked upside down on something.
06:09Sad and pathetic.
06:10And then nobody would attack it.
06:11They'd just laugh at it and go, oh.
06:14You've been lumbered mate.
06:15Maybe.
06:16It's evolved living in a, in a field with a quite a low gait.
06:20Yes.
06:24The horns are caught on the gait again.
06:28How comes, over years of evolution, you've got an animal like that with those sorts of horns,
06:33and yet no animal has developed like coits?
06:36Are you speaking English?
06:38Is that a sense of parting, is that going into the horn?
06:40Did you just say to him, are you speaking?
06:41Yeah, I've never heard.
06:43Have you never heard a Geordie accent before?
06:44Not coming from something with the hair that's never been caught.
06:50I just point out, right, I'm actually part of the show.
06:53I'm not on the screen.
06:54Oh, I know.
06:55I know.
06:56You just sat there and go, what the hell is that thing?
06:59Woo!
07:01Woo!
07:03Woo!
07:04I figured you'd just bend your head constantly.
07:07I'll come at you like a nun.
07:10I can see where he's a shock to a delicately nurtured person.
07:13That's one of the worst threats I've ever heard.
07:15I'll come at you like a nun.
07:16Would you like a sweet?
07:20That's such a proposition.
07:21But I think I've got a new catch for you now.
07:24Excellent.
07:25Well done, everybody.
07:25Many things that we call horns actually aren't.
07:29What would happen if you threw a hippo in the deep end of your local swimming pool?
07:34It would sink.
07:35It would sink.
07:37Yeah.
07:37In the winters, I live in Miami, and they all look like that.
07:40But they have lipstick on, so nobody would bat an eye.
07:44No they wouldn't.
07:44They walk along the bottom, that's what they do.
07:47That's exactly what they do.
07:48What hippos don't do is swim.
07:51No, no, but it's not the first thing that would happen.
07:53The first thing that would happen would you get your swimming card revoked.
07:57Yes.
07:57That would be the first thing.
07:58But also, Ross, I think there'd be a huge sense of relief that you'd finally got rid of the hippo.
08:03Yeah.
08:04You'd got through the turnstiles with it, through the trains and runs.
08:07Yeah.
08:08And then you think, oh, Crossanish, I've bloody done it.
08:11I've got...
08:12Oh dear, the guy's here about this.
08:15Probably take the traffic cone off your head.
08:17So this one would die because he's got floaties on.
08:20And actually they need...
08:21That is a mistake.
08:22I mean, they can float and they can drop to the bottom.
08:24But what they can't do is swim.
08:26Is do the backstroke.
08:27Which is strange.
08:28Which is why that eye dent on BBC One where they're all swimming around in a circle.
08:31That is all wrong.
08:32It's actually incorrect.
08:32Exactly, where they're doing some doggy paddle, aren't they?
08:34Yeah.
08:34Yeah.
08:35A lot of EastEnders isn't true, either.
08:39Yeah.
08:40Well, that's really shocking.
08:43How then do they get out of a river?
08:46A small boy in pyjamas...
08:50Oh, yeah, that's true.
08:51...dives in and saves them.
08:51No, they walk along the bottom or bunch and straight.
08:53Oh, I know.
08:54They fill their lungs and float to the top.
08:57Well, no, actually, they just walk to the shallow part.
08:59Sometimes they carry a small thing of helium and they put it in and they get to the surface
09:03and then just keep going.
09:05Well, they certainly can't use a ladder.
09:07No, you're right.
09:08You said that with anger.
09:09Yeah.
09:10Like, bloody hippos.
09:11Like, you've paid a few of them to do some decorating.
09:15And they came back and they just sat around smoking and went,
09:18Can't even use a bloody ladder.
09:20I'm sick of it.
09:22The fact is they just walk up the shallow bit to get out onto land.
09:25But that is a good point, though.
09:26Well, if a hippo did go into a swimming pool and it didn't have a shallow end, how would it
09:31get out?
09:31It probably couldn't.
09:33Well, it could certainly float, as you rightly said, because when they sleep,
09:36they put just a tiny bit of their nostrils up so that they can breathe and float.
09:40And so how many hippos a year die due to Sean pushing them into swimming pools?
09:44That's quite a few.
09:44It's a growing problem.
09:46How many teeth?
09:47How many teeth does a hippo have?
09:50A full-grown one has 40.
09:52And the reason I know that's a fact is that I got asked a question by my daughter the other
09:57day.
09:57Dad, how many teeth has a hippo got?
09:59And I went, let's go over to this little bit of equipment here.
10:04Are you sure you didn't go, well, I tell you, but I just pushed my last one into a swimming
10:08pool.
10:10I'm fine.
10:10When they do that, there's always a photo of their massive mouths open and there's two at the top and
10:14two at the top.
10:15No.
10:18They said that a full-grown hippo has 40.
10:20Minimum of 40.
10:21Is that Wikipedia?
10:22No.
10:24No.
10:24It was hippoteeth.com.
10:27See, now the hippo is not afraid of predators sneaking up on it.
10:33No, it has smaller ears.
10:34Tiny little ears, barely needs them.
10:36That's right.
10:37What could we hear that would bother us?
10:39Yeah.
10:39Until it's right there.
10:40They're very hard to shoot.
10:42Why would that be?
10:43Underwater.
10:44No, it's there.
10:45Oh, they've got night vision goggles.
10:48Go underground, they can fly.
10:49Their skin, their hide is unbelievably thick.
10:52Their skin weighs a ton.
10:54It's a quarter of their whole body weight is their hide.
10:57It's unbelievably thick.
10:58Most bullets would bounce off it or at least just kind of fall down.
11:02They wouldn't penetrate.
11:03Don't start giving them ideas.
11:04He's already pushing them into swimming.
11:07He's in the water.
11:08Now, has it, looking at those light patches around the eyes, has it been on a sunbed?
11:14Well, no, people often think, do they get somehow sunburned because...
11:18They do.
11:19Well, they get very red.
11:21And it looks like sunburned to us, but actually they give off a red oil.
11:25People genuinely used to think they bled.
11:27They bled through their skin.
11:28They bled through their skin.
11:29They bled through their skin.
11:29But it's...
11:31What would that be doing for them?
11:33The red oil.
11:34When they're out, it keeps their skin moisturized.
11:38Right.
11:39Well, moving on.
11:41They both can't swim, but they can float.
11:43If you threw one in the deep end, it would most likely allow itself to sink to the bottom
11:47of the room before walking to the shallow end.
11:49What's the point of having a head like a hammer?
11:52Oh, my Lord.
11:55Oh, my goodness.
11:55You mean like a shark?
11:56Yes, like a shark.
11:58Like a shark.
11:58I know that one.
11:59When they approach it, I imagine you're talking about hammerhead shark.
12:01Yes.
12:01I imagine most creatures approach it, don't recognize it as another creature until they get round the side.
12:07Whoop, too late.
12:07Right.
12:08Or it was pulling a face, and then God said, if you do that one more time, it's going to
12:12stick.
12:13They were gurning.
12:14Their eyes are on the end.
12:15They were sharks gurning.
12:16They've got eyes on the end, so...
12:17Yeah.
12:18I mean, it's not fully understood, to be honest, but it certainly gives it an extraordinary depth perception
12:22to have eyes that far apart.
12:23Well, it's a bottom feeder.
12:24It goes, I know, on the bottom.
12:25It is a bottom feeder.
12:26I like to talk about bottom feeders.
12:27Do you, Ruby?
12:28Mm-hmm.
12:28Somebody's got to do it.
12:30Yeah.
12:30They're like hoovers, hoovers of the sea.
12:32Well, they eat flatfish and stingrays and things that live on the bottom.
12:35They often camouflage themselves under sand, so how do they detect things that are camouflaged?
12:41Not with their eyes, but they...
12:42Oh, with the fins, they go like that.
12:48They have things called...
12:49Can they smell everything?
12:50No, they have ampoules.
12:51A lot of sharks have this.
12:52They're called ampoules.
12:53And it smells?
12:54No, they detect electrical movement so sensitively that the electrical movement you or I make by operating
12:58our muscles, which does involve electrical movement, they could detect that.
13:02And they're detected in a shifting fish.
13:05And it seems that gives them a really impressive, rather like a sort of long radar, you know, antenna.
13:11So you could really mess with their heads if you chucked in a toaster?
13:13Yes!
13:14It certainly would.
13:15The trouble with a hammerhead shark is it's very hard for it to do a double take.
13:20Ooh!
13:20Yes.
13:21Ooh!
13:22My neck!
13:23It's a comic nightmare.
13:24You know what?
13:24I've just realised what's missing from your average shark.
13:27Yes.
13:28They haven't got any lips.
13:29No, they haven't.
13:30They look hideous.
13:31That's why they look hideous.
13:32It does give them a nasty look.
13:33It just gives them a bit of collagen and a bit of puff up.
13:36And a bit of colour.
13:36They look quite attractive.
13:37They look quite attractive.
13:37They'd come up lovely, wouldn't they?
13:38It is, yeah.
13:39It's more sinister.
13:40If a shark was coming up to you just before a bit, you went...
13:44But what about their teeth, Sean, as you're an expert on animal teeth?
13:47How many teeth?
13:48How many teeth?
13:49How many teeth?
13:49Do you know about shark teeth?
13:50You've got a computer, I can check it for you.
13:53No, shark's teeth are really interesting.
13:54They have a row of lots, lots of teeth, as you know.
13:57And then they have rows behind.
13:58They come forward when they lose them.
14:00That's it.
14:00Yeah.
14:01They lose a tooth and another one comes forward like a sort of conveyor belt for each one.
14:04You know, with dolphins, sorry to go off of sharks.
14:07Yeah, no, no, dolphins.
14:07They detect when something's dying.
14:11That's how they figure out, you know, to go for it.
14:13So, a lot of times they put...
14:15I went swimming with one.
14:16They say, if you have false breaths, don't go in.
14:19Because it'll ram you over and over again.
14:21Yeah.
14:21You know, sometimes kids with, you know, who are disabled go in and...
14:25Yes.
14:25And then it...
14:26With sharks?
14:27Not with sharks.
14:28Oh, sorry, I missed that.
14:30I thought you put your disabled kids in with sharks.
14:33What sort of charity is this?
14:37I'm going to give them some money!
14:39Oh!
14:39No, but the reason, the reason for that, it's...
14:42Like, everyone thinks it's because they've got this...
14:45You know, perception and all the rest.
14:46It's not.
14:47It's just because they get in there and they think it's a ball.
14:49The next thing you know, it's up on the nose.
14:51They're going along like that.
14:53Woman's knocker on the top.
14:55And then...
14:57But you know, they always give you instructions.
14:59Never, you know, they give you a pep talk and say,
15:02never touch a dolphin underneath its waistline.
15:05Yep.
15:05Because they get very excited.
15:06But though they extend their penises for a lift.
15:08They extend their penises.
15:10You hold on to them and they give you a lift.
15:11That's how they come from there.
15:13That's it.
15:13If they've already got somebody on the top deck.
15:17Because they've got on the feet.
15:18You go, got no room on top, you'll have to go down below.
15:21This is true.
15:21These are facts.
15:24I can't help if I've got an inquiry in mind.
15:27They have been known to save people, though, haven't they?
15:30Nudge people to show who are in trouble.
15:32There are stories going right back to the ancient Greeks,
15:34of course, Orion and various others.
15:35Because, yeah, I've swapped with dolphins as well.
15:37And it is quite an extraordinary experience.
15:39Very good.
15:39It's terrible when they reject you.
15:41Oh.
15:41That's horrible.
15:43And now all your family and all your therapists are standing on the beach.
15:47It's freezing cold.
15:48And there's loads of dolphins just pissing off back to the sea.
15:52And then you look round, and you go, hmm?
15:56I suppose we'd just better carry on with the medication then.
16:00No, Sean.
16:02If they rejected you, Sean...
16:05I mean, at least we tried.
16:09Can I have a towel?
16:12Sean, if they rejected you, it's because you're strong and whole.
16:15They're not interested in fit people.
16:17Right.
16:17They're drawn towards the weak and the disadvantaged,
16:19and you're clearly totally fit.
16:21I was talking to a marine biologist who basically said,
16:24people, you know, oh, they're these amazing creatures,
16:26and you can swim with them and stuff.
16:27And he said, actually, they're a bunch of sort of fighting ragtag.
16:32If you see, like, wild, like, proper wild dolphins,
16:34they've got lumps out of them.
16:35Oh, yeah.
16:36And they're missing.
16:36And they're fighting.
16:37And I just love the idea that people are just going,
16:40oh, I want this amazing experience.
16:41They're so serene and mystical and lyrical.
16:43Actually, it's just like being chucked in with a bunch of wet skinheads.
16:47Yeah.
16:49They bully each other.
16:50They bully each other and they attack porpoises.
16:53Well, how do they tell each other apart?
16:55In the same way that any...
16:57No, no.
16:58That's a good question.
17:01Yeah.
17:01How do ants tell when they meet a beetle?
17:06It's not an ant.
17:07How do they know?
17:08And it meets a beetle.
17:10Yeah.
17:10And then how does it know?
17:12Because they can't see, can they?
17:13Yeah, because it's either...
17:14Ants can't see.
17:15Yes, they can.
17:16Oh, go back to school, Steve.
17:20I'm going on the wrong website.
17:22I think you might have been.
17:24It's Jordan's Animal Facts I'm going on.
17:31Ask Jordan.
17:32That's how I go and get my animal information.
17:35How did they learn to do the ballet?
17:37You know?
17:37The dolphins.
17:39You know, when they go up like a mixed master.
17:41How do they know how to do that?
17:42Millions of years of practice.
17:44Evolution.
17:44Can you imagine the sex with that one?
17:46That would be exciting.
17:47The Kama Sutra of the dolphin world.
17:49It's not often I find myself in a group of four people thinking I'm the most normal sane in ballet.
17:55But I'm happy to feel that today.
17:57Now, nobody really knows why hammerheads have such odd heads, but it seems that it allows them to detect more
18:02food.
18:03Why is it hard to hang on to a hagfish?
18:06There's a hagfish, yes?
18:08It releases mucus.
18:10The hagfish?
18:11To defend itself.
18:12It does, yes.
18:12Which works in real life.
18:13If anybody ever comes at me, I just sneeze at them and they're backing off.
18:17But I don't think you could produce the kind of slime that a hagfish could produce.
18:21You don't know me.
18:21I'm very young and fertile.
18:22Would you like to see?
18:24Have a look at a hagfish releasing slime and tell me you could produce as much.
18:27Here's someone manipulating it.
18:30Oh.
18:31Oh.
18:32That is producing that.
18:34It can turn a bucket of 20 litres of water into slime in minutes.
18:39Great party piece.
18:40Isn't it?
18:40I actually think, I think my baby daughter might be a hagfish.
18:52Yeah, because that's nothing.
18:57To be honest with you, I've got that on my trousers every morning.
19:02It also can tie itself into knots, which is another impressive thing.
19:06It literally does a slipknot or an overhand knot.
19:08It's quite bizarre.
19:09Given the choice, if I had to have special powers, I'd like to be bitten by one of them.
19:14Because excreting mucus would be...
19:17You know, because like Spider-Man, he's all very well.
19:19Do a bit of climbing in that.
19:20So imagine if you just sat in a chair and somebody went, do your thing.
19:24It would be fantastic.
19:27That would be brilliant.
19:28Because if somebody tried to get you in a headlock, you'd just go...
19:32That's exactly it.
19:34That's what it does.
19:35Superheroes are meant to help people.
19:37How would you help people with this mucus?
19:39You know, like Spider-Man helps people.
19:41How would you help people with this mucus?
19:42Oh, there's a child who's got his head in the railings.
19:55That's a really good comic book story, isn't it?
19:59This gravy is unnecessarily runny.
20:03This couple is dry humping.
20:05Exactly.
20:10Various things.
20:11I'd rather have hippo powers.
20:13Because you're bulletproof, you can run at 35 miles an hour and you can walk on the bottom of the
20:18deep end,
20:19and you only have to brush four teeth in the morning.
20:22The only trouble with that is, is your arch nemesis, lock boy, pushes you into a swimming pool.
20:30I can't get out.
20:32That's how they talk.
20:33Well, there we are.
20:34Hagfish.
20:35Hagfish are hard to hold because they tie themselves in a knot and ooze slime in all directions.
20:40How would you collect the snot from a sneezing humpback?
20:44Is mucus our word of the day?
20:46No, no, no.
20:47They sneeze through their blowhole.
20:49They don't sneeze, actually.
20:50They can't sneeze.
20:51But they breathe out.
20:52It's actually, when you see a humpback whale breathing out, it is breath.
20:57It contains mucus.
20:59So who collects it?
21:00Well, they're a scientist interested in monitoring the health of a humpback.
21:06Why is it important to see whether humpbacks have got colds or flu?
21:09Because a sick one, you can push it towards the Japanese.
21:12No, no, no.
21:13Because...
21:15No, because then they go, we'll have that one knock off early.
21:20No, because like birds, like pigs, they get flu that jumps species to man.
21:26And if that flu jumps to us, which is possible...
21:29That would be a nightmare because...
21:30It's a whole new genetic code for us to...
21:32Whale flu.
21:33Well, not just that.
21:34Think of the waiting room at the doctor's.
21:36You'd be squashed against the wall like that.
21:38And he'd be there.
21:39Whoooo!
21:41Whoooo!
21:41When you get bird flu, you don't get all small and grow wings.
21:44It's not...
21:45To get a flu is not the same as to turn into the animal.
21:47No, no, no.
21:47But what I'm saying is, if that humpback whale has got the flu, and he's taken up all the chairs...
21:52Oh, is he right?
21:53...and all the pensioners and me are pressed against the wall...
21:56I'm going to have to encourage the whales to ring NHS Direct and not...
22:00Yes.
22:00That's right.
22:01The only trouble with that is, is NHS Direct pick up the phone and they think it's a fax machine.
22:09It's true!
22:12Wrong number again.
22:13And he's there just going, I'm really ill!
22:15And they won't let me come down to the doctor's because I take up too much room.
22:19And I keep knocking the posters off the wall.
22:22With me barnacle arse.
22:24But...
22:28If I can just guide you away for a moment towards the snot, how do you collect it?
22:32With a bag over its head, like an ordinary bag from Greg's or any...
22:36It's quite...
22:37It has to be from Greg's.
22:39You put pepper in it.
22:39It has to be.
22:40You put pepper in the hole.
22:41It started...
22:43Acevedo Whitehouse, her name was.
22:44Carina Acevedo Whitehouse, who was a researcher who was very, very much a specialist.
22:48And she used to have a petri dish on the end of a long stick and try and get it
22:52through the plume.
22:53But it's just too difficult.
22:54There's too much turbulent water.
22:55She couldn't get...
22:56She swims next to it and waits for her to sneeze?
22:58That's what she originally did.
22:59But what does she do now?
23:00She's got a really good system.
23:01Big condom over the top of the hole.
23:04Remote control toy helicopter.
23:07That flies there.
23:09Oh my God.
23:09There it is.
23:10Collecting it.
23:10I mean, if you're going to be a scientist specializing in collecting snot, at least...
23:16Has she come up with anything?
23:18I mean, you know, now that she has the collection...
23:20Good data on the transmission of flu between...
23:25Which is jolly difficult because they travel more than any other.
23:275,000 miles a year, routinely.
23:29Trying to get away from the remote control helicopter.
23:31Yeah, probably.
23:32Terrifying.
23:35I wouldn't fancy being the bloke that works in her local toy shop either.
23:41Oh, it's broken again, isn't it?
23:42I've got all mucus in her.
23:45My mate, like you said about the carrier bag there, my mate tried to steal a squid from
23:51a sea life centre in a carrier bag.
23:53And he had it...
23:54No, seriously, he had it all planned out.
23:56And he got this carrier bag and he said, oh, I'm going to go for it this week.
24:00And I saw him and he said, oh, this is a nightmare.
24:03He couldn't find a carrier bag.
24:05You know the safety holes in the bottom?
24:06Yes, because it leaked water.
24:08He couldn't find one that didn't...
24:09And then finally saw him doing it, you know, I've found a hefty one, you know.
24:13And this is honest to God's truth.
24:15He had it up.
24:16He had a tank ready.
24:17He knew which sea life centre he was going to steal it from.
24:19He got the bag.
24:21He glued up the holes with sellotape and...
24:24Just as he was about to do it, he was committed.
24:27I said, did you get it?
24:30He said, no.
24:31I said, what happened?
24:32He went, the handle's broken.
24:36He put it in the water and it was too heavy.
24:40Why was he so committed to a carrier bag?
24:44Why not a squid catching bag?
24:46What about a normal fishing net?
24:48Yeah, but he had to get it home on the bus.
24:54He didn't have a car.
24:55So, people who do research into whale flu
24:59collects not using remote control toy helicopters.
25:01Now, imagine you're taking a hamster on holiday.
25:04How could you make sure it doesn't get jet lag?
25:07Yes, Russ.
25:08Holiday in England.
25:11That would do it, eh?
25:13It doesn't necessarily have to be in England.
25:15You just have to stay in the same time zone.
25:17If they're in the cage and they're moving that way,
25:20and the plane is moving that way, I'm not...
25:22This isn't my area.
25:24Yeah.
25:24Doesn't it balance out in space and time?
25:26The wheel is going...
25:27No.
25:28The wheel is going...
25:28It doesn't quite work.
25:29That's a nice thought.
25:31Is there an answer to this?
25:32There is, yeah.
25:33I mean, they have experimented on hamsters and jet lag.
25:37They've not actually...
25:38See, look how cute.
25:39You know what I mean?
25:40It's a woman.
25:41I want to nurse it.
25:42I just...
25:42But you pay for it, and you realize it does nothing.
25:46You watch these guinea pigs in G-Force.
25:48They are like fighting, climbing, firing guns, saving people.
25:52You go home, and you see him sitting there, lazy, useless.
25:57You're just like a furry scrounger.
26:00You get out there and do something.
26:01Can you put your head in a hole like that?
26:03I don't think so.
26:04And they drop pellets, they do a lot of things.
26:07The thing is, Sean, he made that wooden thing.
26:12I was visiting a friend's house, and on the upstairs landing,
26:16I went to the loo, and I came out, and it was a summer's day,
26:18and there was a big open window over the lawn,
26:20and there was a football, and I kicked the football through the window,
26:23and a child burst into tears, and it had a hamster in it.
26:26It was a hamster ball.
26:28I didn't know that.
26:29I'd never seen such a thing.
26:30There are these balls that you put hamsters in.
26:33It was terrible.
26:34It was terrible.
26:35It was terrible.
26:37It was terrible.
26:37What happened?
26:38It was actually fine.
26:39It was a little dizzy.
26:41It wasn't there.
26:42Exhilarated, I thought.
26:43It was all exhilarated.
26:43Whoa!
26:47Someone's done it!
26:49Don't take me back in!
26:50No!
26:50No!
26:51It was most unfortunate, but, yeah, they do have...
26:54Melatonin.
26:55You give it melatonin.
26:56It's not melatonin.
26:57It is a drug, and it's a rather surprising one.
26:59It's a common drug.
27:00Tomarzepam?
27:00Paracetamol.
27:01Not Tomarzepam, not paracetamol.
27:03I'm sure you haven't taken it.
27:05You're too young and...
27:06Viagra.
27:07Viagra is the right answer.
27:09Viagra appears to recover from jet lag,
27:11as long as it's eastward-bound jet lag.
27:14That's the weird thing.
27:15Jet lag's a lot worse when you're traveling east.
27:18It's a lot better when you're traveling west.
27:20So, for example, if you go to America,
27:21you recover better than when you come back home.
27:24It takes you longer to recover.
27:25Good.
27:25Excellent.
27:26Yes.
27:26Jet lagged hamsters can have their symptoms alleviated
27:29by giving them Viagra.
27:30What gives honeybees a real buzz?
27:33Is it the...
27:34It's the smoke that they blow into the hive?
27:36Well, that gives them sort of opposite of a buzz, doesn't it?
27:38That pacifies them.
27:39Do you know why the smoke is used?
27:41The smoke alarms them so much that they think
27:44someone's attacking the hive.
27:45They eat all their honey, and they just get bloated,
27:48and they don't have any aggressive...
27:50like that.
27:51So that's actually what's happening,
27:52rather than the smoke getting into their lungs or anything.
27:54I'm really glad now that I've been bitten
27:57by a radioactive hagfish,
27:58not a radioactive bee,
28:00because that would be a nightmare
28:01if you're a half-human, half-bee.
28:02Somebody has a fag and you just go,
28:04where's the honey?
28:06Now, the fact...
28:07What...
28:08Bees speak...
28:09Oh, not speak isn't quite the word.
28:10They do like the hula.
28:12They show where to go.
28:13They have the only language of another animal
28:14that we fully understand.
28:15So we know what they're doing?
28:16Within meters, we can read their dances,
28:19their waggles.
28:20Yeah, because they're telling each other
28:22how far away the nearest good source is
28:25and where it is.
28:26It's been studied for over a hundred years,
28:28and we can tell exactly what it is they're saying.
28:31And what's interesting...
28:32I don't know who did this.
28:34If you give them cocaine,
28:36they exaggerate.
28:38They claim there's more honey than there is.
28:43They overdo it.
28:44They get boastful, essentially.
28:47And tell stories it never ends.
28:49Yeah, it seems to have a similar effect on them
28:50and it does on humans.
28:51And do they all go off and get a job at advertising?
28:53Yeah.
28:55And lose their appetite and so on.
28:58But actually the strange thing about bees is that...
29:00And they take your blood.
29:00Well, no, 85% of all bee species are loners.
29:05They don't live in colonies
29:06and only a tiny fraction,
29:08I think it's 20 out of the thousands of species,
29:11are honeybees.
29:12Most bees aren't honeybees.
29:13But one of the most interesting bees,
29:15you'll love this, this piece of film,
29:17is the Japanese honeybee,
29:18which has developed a fabulous way
29:20of attacking hornets who try and get into their...
29:23Let's watch this.
29:24You'll love this.
29:25There's the hornet
29:26and it's killing the individuals.
29:28It's vicious.
29:29It rips their head.
29:30But look, they make a bee ball.
29:32Yes, I've seen this, yeah.
29:33This huge ball.
29:34They suffocate them, don't they?
29:36It's more than suffocate.
29:37There's so much heat generated in this ball,
29:39they boil.
29:41The bees.
29:41They literally boil the hornet.
29:44Because the heat,
29:44it gets bigger and bigger.
29:46You wouldn't want that to happen to you, would it?
29:48Yeah.
29:48It's frightening.
29:49Mucus would be so much better.
29:51Yeah.
29:53Wow.
29:53Isn't that stunning?
29:54Oh, you're asking for trouble.
29:55Yeah.
29:56That hornet is an ex-hornet.
29:5875% of all fruit on the planet is pollinated by...
30:02Bees.
30:02Bats.
30:03Actually, bats are far more responsible for pollination.
30:06I walked into that one.
30:07Yes, you did.
30:08But I'll tell you what...
30:08You've been framed with the cake and the glass door.
30:11But to be fair, bat honey is horrible.
30:14Yes, it is.
30:16Disgusting.
30:17Absolutely disgusting.
30:18Well, when bees take drugs, they behave much like humans.
30:21They dance around manically and exaggerate about their lives.
30:24That was a question about hymenoptera, as is this.
30:27What am I describing here?
30:29Pure, intense, brilliant pain.
30:32Like fire walking over flaming charcoal with a three inch rusty nail in your heel.
30:37Childbirth.
30:40Probably.
30:41Probably.
30:42Probably.
30:42Is it a bee sting?
30:43Yeah.
30:44There is a man called Schmidt.
30:45He's devoted his life to creating the Schmidt scale of insect bite or sting pain.
30:52And he is being bitten or stung by just about every stinging biting insect there is.
30:59And he writes rather sort of wine connoisseur descriptions.
31:03Ow.
31:03There.
31:04Look at that.
31:04Of the pain.
31:05And it starts at one and goes up to plus four, which is the one we've just heard.
31:11The bullet ant.
31:12But it starts with a sweat bee at one, which you can see on the left there.
31:15Wow.
31:15That's light, ephemeral, almost fruity.
31:17A tiny spark has singed a single hair on your arm.
31:22Notes of blackberry.
31:23Notes of blackberry.
31:24Notes of blackberry.
31:24Exactly.
31:25Leather and tobacco.
31:26It's number 10, like listening to Westlife.
31:29Exactly.
31:30Okay mate.
31:31Then 1.8 is the bullhorn acacia ant.
31:34A rare piercing elevated sort of pain.
31:36Someone has fired a staple into your cheek.
31:39What a hell of an office party that was.
31:42Has he seen things to make a comparison?
31:44I guess he has.
31:44Then there's the bald faced hornet.
31:46Rich, hearty, slightly crunchy.
31:48Similar to getting your hand mashed in a revolving door.
31:53It's a very, very good thing to document.
31:55Then there's the yellow jacket.
31:57Imagine W.C. Fields extinguishing a cigar on your tongue.
32:01Specifically W.C. Fields.
32:04I still like him.
32:05You know.
32:06He's just going, oh, that one, that's more like Jimmy Savile.
32:09No, no.
32:10Do it W.C.
32:11Oh, that's W.C.
32:12Yes.
32:13George Burns.
32:13Yes.
32:14Did you see the documentary where the guy wanted to be, he was into being bitten by snakes?
32:19I was bitten.
32:20That's what it was called.
32:21I was bitten.
32:21Yeah, he was really, it was a pleasurable thing.
32:24He liked that.
32:24So he went for bigger and bigger and harder and harder.
32:26He was getting almost a kind of buzz out of it rather than pain, wasn't it?
32:28Yeah.
32:28So how do you know this guy?
32:30Well, he may be, but it's the paper wasp, caustic and burning, distinctly bitter aftertaste,
32:35like spilling a beaker of hydrochloric acid on a paper cut.
32:38That's nasty.
32:39Then there's the bullet ant, which is the one I described, pure intense, brilliant pain.
32:43Wow.
32:44It's called a bullet ant because it's like getting shot with a bullet.
32:47There it is.
32:48Yeah.
32:48Nasty piece of work.
32:49Anyway, yes, the fact is entomologist Justin Schmidt has been stung by almost every insect
32:54and describes the bullet ant sting as the most painful on earth.
32:57What is the world's most aggressive mammal?
33:00My mother.
33:02Is it one of those three?
33:04No, it isn't.
33:06It isn't.
33:06Right.
33:07The rhino.
33:07No, the rhino's on the least bit aggressive.
33:10It's not a mammal either.
33:10A rhino is a mammal.
33:12Is it?
33:13I thought it was a dinosaur.
33:16Why is it called a rhinosaurus then?
33:18It's not a dinosaur.
33:19Because it's not.
33:21Because it's not.
33:22It's called a rhinosaurus.
33:23That's what dinosaurs are called.
33:24It's a nocerous, isn't it?
33:25Rhinoceros.
33:26It's a nocerous.
33:28Have you been called it a rhinosaurus?
33:30Yeah.
33:30Oh.
33:31There's a problem.
33:32Jordan!
33:36When I get home!
33:39Yeah.
33:41Really?
33:42No, that was genuine stupidity.
33:43No, that's fine.
33:45Straight into the graph.
33:47Stupidity.
33:48Always welcome.
33:49Always welcome.
33:49I'm sorry about that.
33:50Is it going to begin with an H?
33:51Yes, it does.
33:52It used to be known as the ratel,
33:54but it now seems to be more commonly known as the something beginning with H.
33:58Hyena?
33:59Not a hyena, no.
34:01Horse?
34:01No.
34:03This is a really savage animal.
34:05Its first word is something we were discussing with bees.
34:08Honey badger.
34:09Oh, very good.
34:10Someone in the audience gets ten points for honey badger.
34:13Honey badger.
34:14Honey badger.
34:14Honey badger.
34:15Honey badger.
34:15Do you know what?
34:16On the subject of, I know it's not as strict as being a badger,
34:19but you know what annoys me, right?
34:20Is the term to badger somebody.
34:23Because badgers don't actually badger.
34:26If you had to badger somebody, you wouldn't be late hounding them all the time.
34:29You'd move into their garden, and you'd just sleep a lot.
34:32And be incredibly shy.
34:33And just emerge when Bill Oddie stuck a camera in your face.
34:36Yes.
34:36That's the way you badger somebody, and it's about time to turn.
34:40Incredibly fair point.
34:40Yes.
34:41And actually, the honey badger isn't a true badger either.
34:44I did say that.
34:45Yes, you did.
34:46I thought you did.
34:46I might be an idiot, but I'm an accurate idiot.
34:49You so are.
34:50And it's not a badger.
34:51And well done for knowing that.
34:52It reminded the first people who saw it because of the colouring of a European badger,
34:55but it's not connected.
34:56And they are staggeringly aggressive.
34:58They attack anything, lions, humans, hyenas, and they have huge claws for their size,
35:03so they can do an immense amount of damage.
35:05Do you know which part of a mammal, including a man, that they will attack?
35:09Well, I imagine the nethers.
35:11Yes, the testicles is the right answer.
35:13That's what they go for.
35:15They whoosh like that.
35:16And there are stories of them attacking buffalo.
35:18How do they know?
35:19How do they know where the testicles are?
35:21Because it will be on different animals in different areas.
35:24Well, I don't know about you, but when I'm exploring,
35:27when I'm exploring, everybody knows.
35:30I explore like this.
35:32With chaps on, no pants.
35:37And I'll tell you what, though, badger honey is so much worse than bat honey.
35:42Yes.
35:43But the first account of you, in 1947,
35:45an account of an adult buffalo being castrated by one of these things.
35:49Scientific American said in 2009 that pound for pound,
35:51the honey badger, is the world's most fearsome land mammal
35:54because it's so aggressive there's such big claws compared to its body size.
35:58But why aren't they in charge, then?
36:00Yeah.
36:01Why are we in charge and not them?
36:02Because we temper our aggression sometimes with altruism,
36:06with knowledge, with cognitive faculties.
36:09No, Stephen, it's bombs.
36:11Oh, right, yes.
36:12And also, we worked out how to make security pants.
36:16So when them honey badgers come up.
36:18That's true.
36:19They're frustrated.
36:21They can't get it to balls.
36:22How big is it?
36:23Are they quite small?
36:26That's true.
36:27Yeah, relatively small, yeah.
36:29But they're about yea big.
36:31And what, do they eat honey?
36:32Yes.
36:32They do.
36:33Yes, they do eat honey.
36:35Is there some sort of honey badgers?
36:37There is.
36:37There is, really.
36:38Is it the South London honey badgers?
36:41I can't want any of them.
36:42Have a look at that.
36:43Cover your balls.
36:44He's coming out.
36:45Have some.
36:52It's certainly part of their diet because they famously use, what do they use to find the honey?
36:58Their noses.
36:59No.
36:59Another animal.
37:00A bird.
37:01A bird called the honey guide.
37:03The honey guide is a bird that will, it's learnt to cooperate with the badger.
37:09The bird can see where the hive is, and hovers over it, makes the noise, the badger goes in
37:14and opens it up.
37:15The bird gets its reward by sharing the honey and the badger won't attack it.
37:18But they'll also do that for humans, honey guides.
37:20They will lead humans to hives so they can get honey.
37:23That's a fact.
37:24You're right there.
37:25Yep.
37:25These guys?
37:26Yep.
37:26I've got a tiny secret.
37:28I've actually got Jordan on a little thing and she's just telling me this stuff straight into
37:32my ear.
37:33Ah, well that's not actually why you're doing so well.
37:34So why don't the police use them?
37:36For riot situations.
37:38How brilliant would that be?
37:39Because you know, oh hello.
37:41It is pretty savage isn't it?
37:42Because the police dog, you know, a lot of the time they've got the police dog, he's
37:45there.
37:46Everyone's going, it's a dog, I might outrun it.
37:49But if you just tell them, got a honey badger, get them balls ready.
37:54Spread them.
37:55Spread them.
37:55You may be right.
37:56Spread them.
37:56If you castrate every peace demonstrator, that's probably not a way forward.
38:01Yeah.
38:02You know, the police dogs are trained to bark if they hear someone say bastards.
38:06So you can say...
38:06What about blaggard?
38:08Villain.
38:08Villain, yeah.
38:09You can have a bit of fun.
38:10You can have a bit of fun at like...
38:12You can trigger them off.
38:12Like if you go to like a country show and they're doing the demonstrations.
38:16Yeah.
38:17Bastard!
38:17Bastard!
38:21Moving on.
38:21Very good though.
38:22As the honey badger constituency in our audience knew, the most aggressive mammal is probably
38:27the honey badger.
38:28When attacking humans, they supposedly go for the testicles, which brings us face to face
38:32with the vicious predator of general ignorance.
38:35Fingers on buzzers, please.
38:36I have some points available for you if all you have to do is to identify every animal
38:42in front of you.
38:45Yep.
38:45Hedgehog, mouse, and a...
38:48You've not done well to start with.
38:50Is that a hedgehog?
38:51Is one of them a bilby?
38:53There's no bilbies there, and there's no mouse there.
38:56Is that a...
38:57Is that a shrew?
38:58A buffalo?
38:58A shrew.
38:59Is that a...
39:00No, there is no shrew.
39:03Let's have a look again.
39:04Look at that.
39:17Look at that.
39:22Like New Zealand, separately.
39:24Galapagos.
39:25Galapagos.
39:25Not Galapagos.
39:27But it is an island.
39:27It's Madagascar.
39:28In Madagascar, a few mammals, millions and millions of years ago, were hived off from
39:33Africa, from Gondwana land, and they evolved separately.
39:36And they filled niches similar to those in Europe.
39:38And this particular animal is known as a tenrec, and it has various species of it.
39:44They fill the same niches as hedgehogs do.
39:47They are not in any way connected or related to hedgehogs.
39:50They have just solved the problems of existence in the same way.
39:53And there are plants that have done the same.
39:55There are things that you would swear blind are a cactus, but are not in any way a cactus.
39:59A borges.
40:01Yes, exactly.
40:02They kind of are.
40:03So, the tenrec is a Madagascan mammal that has evolved over millions of years to create
40:08species that look exactly like mice, shrews, and even hedgehogs.
40:11Now, what are these animals fighting about?
40:19They're not fighting.
40:21Mmm, they're just, er...
40:24Sparring.
40:24Trying to get...
40:25They're trying to do a high five, but they just can't get it together.
40:32They do it in springtime, and they go getting a bit frisky.
40:35It's two males fighting over a girly.
40:38No.
40:41No.
40:42I'll beg him again.
40:43It doesn't matter now.
40:44Go for it now.
40:44Yeah, dolphins enjoy the best.
40:46Their hair's got no chance of having sex with a girl.
40:48They've got to have sex with another hair, surely.
40:51What?
40:51Girl hair.
40:52I mean, they're deluded.
40:54A girl is way out of their league.
40:57They're not even going to get a kiss.
40:58They might get a kiss off a girl.
40:59It's not two males fighting.
41:01It is a female fighting off a male who is too frisky, saying...
41:04She's basically saying she's not up for it.
41:06That's...
41:06It's basically we're watching a rape.
41:09Well...
41:10You're watching a female stopping a rape.
41:13That's just...
41:14Yeah.
41:15I mean, you have a go at me, but that's sick.
41:16Just sneezing.
41:18Just give him...
41:19Give him the mucus.
41:20Get some pepper spray.
41:21Yeah.
41:22Maybe that would happen.
41:23When two hairs box, it's more than likely that a female is boxing away an overexcited male that she doesn't
41:29want to mate with.
41:29And finally, what is rhino horn used for in traditional Chinese medicine?
41:34What do you want us to say?
41:35Ah, you've got...
41:36Finally got wise.
41:37Yeah.
41:37Yes, I will let you off the hook.
41:39It has never been used as an aphrodisiac.
41:41It is a fallacy.
41:42It's used supposedly for to keep fevers at bay.
41:45Of course, it makes no more sense in keeping fevers at bay than it does as an aphrodisiac,
41:50because it is, as we discussed earlier, simply hair.
41:53Is that the nun again?
41:54They might as well bite their nails.
41:56Chinese medicine is bollocks.
41:58Yes.
41:59That's Jordan.
42:00Yeah.
42:02Because he said it's...
42:04Kim bollocks.
42:07That's an old tit.
42:10She says, if Chinese medicine is so good, why do they build hospitals?
42:21God bless her.
42:23No, I can't say that.
42:27Oh dear.
42:28Yeah.
42:29The fact is, it isn't true.
42:30Rhino horn is not used as an aphrodisiac and traditional Chinese medicine.
42:33It's most often taken for a fever, which brings us all the way back to our horns and indeed
42:39to the end of the show.
42:40So let's have a look at the scores.
42:41Well, my goodness gracious me.
42:42The dominant male this evening on seven points is Ross Noble.
42:48Wow.
42:52And in second place with a highly respectable minus five, Sean Locke and Jordan.
43:03And who's really improving now.
43:04Minus six.
43:05Alan Davis.
43:09And the flag at the very bottom of the food chain is as thick as two short planktons.
43:13Ruby wax with minus 36.
43:16data.
43:24And so it's goodnight from Ruby, Sean Ross, and Alan.
43:27And I'll leave you with this piece of wisdom from Homer Simpson.
43:29Weaseling out of things is important to learn.
43:32It's what separates us from the animals, except the weasel.
43:35Thank you and good night.
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