- 10 hours ago
First broadcast 2nd/9th March 1986.
Geoffrey Hutchings - Max Rutherford
Robert Hardy - Russell Spam/Twiggy Rathbone
Geoffrey Palmer - Harold Stringer
John Gordon Sinclair - Bill Tytla (as John Gordon-Sinclair)
John Horsley - Father Teasdale
Richard Kane - Greg Kettle
Sarah Mortimer - Sharon Chandler
Geoffrey Greenhill - Keith
Doreen Keogh - Mrs Beatty
Louise Nelson - Newsreader
Julie Evans - Model
Aubrey Morris - Nikita Kruschev (archive footage)
Angus MacKay - Dr. Seastrom
Julian Wadham - Dennis Spatula
Geoffrey Hutchings - Max Rutherford
Robert Hardy - Russell Spam/Twiggy Rathbone
Geoffrey Palmer - Harold Stringer
John Gordon Sinclair - Bill Tytla (as John Gordon-Sinclair)
John Horsley - Father Teasdale
Richard Kane - Greg Kettle
Sarah Mortimer - Sharon Chandler
Geoffrey Greenhill - Keith
Doreen Keogh - Mrs Beatty
Louise Nelson - Newsreader
Julie Evans - Model
Aubrey Morris - Nikita Kruschev (archive footage)
Angus MacKay - Dr. Seastrom
Julian Wadham - Dennis Spatula
Category
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TVTranscript
00:04The statistical breakdown in this category, therefore, can be extrapolated as follows.
00:11Small but young and tender, 15.3%.
00:15Firm and well-rounded, 33.5%.
00:19Large and bouncy, 41.2%.
00:23Thank you, Max. The ideal breast-end gentleman is this one here.
00:30Next, we commissioned a second market research report on how much people like to see them wobbling about.
00:43Morning, John. Morning, Bill. A little bit warmer today, I think.
00:46Morning.
00:47Quivering gently like a jelly, 27.5%.
00:53Flapping right up and down, that's got 51.6%.
01:00Interesting letter.
01:01You're passing on the Elgin margins. I think we should run it in four.
01:07See what you think.
01:08Will do, Harry. Bye.
01:10All right. We conclude, therefore, that this particular motion has the proven maximum appeal right for us.
01:20It's the only way to be honest of competition, Harry.
01:23They've done pictures of topless girls.
01:25They've done coloured pictures of topless girls.
01:26But we've got to go one better.
01:28Moving pictures of topless girls.
01:30I think I can feel one of my headaches coming off.
01:35Now, what do you see?
01:38Three different coloured pictures, one on top of another.
01:41Now then, put these on.
01:44What is this?
01:46The glasses contain three different coloured filters.
01:50Now, push them very quickly back to the force, faster.
01:55The faster than that.
01:56Harry, faster.
01:58See how they bounce up and down.
02:01Unless they put a million on sails overnight, the Crucible unveils its latest weapon in the circulation war.
02:06Warped vision.
02:08This is monstrous, Russell.
02:10I've never seen such a...
02:12I've never seen such varied rubbish at all.
02:14I agree, Harry. We withdraw it immediately.
02:16I don't care. I absolutely forbid...
02:18What?
02:19You've opened my eyes, Harry.
02:20It's cheap. It's tawdry. We'll ditch the whole thing at once.
02:23Oh, well.
02:23No matter that we've already spent half a million on the printing and the glasses and another half a million
02:27on promotion,
02:28I'll bring up the board straight away.
02:30Oh, Russell.
02:31I'll tell them that Harry Stringer says a million pounds is a small price to fame for editorial integrity.
02:37Russell, put that phone down.
02:40Yes, Harry?
02:43As long as they don't wobble about too much.
03:27I want to speak to one of your reporters. Urgently.
03:30I'm sorry I wouldn't get in, Bob. The hangman piece.
03:32I know how much you had to dig to get that one.
03:35Me, boys.
03:36Do you want some finger licking?
03:40That damn Khrushchev farce. Even I believed it was him. This will really worry, isn't it?
03:45God, I must be a moron.
03:47Yeah.
03:47I must dash, Mr. Stringer.
03:49Some woman with a story she wants to tell.
03:51Oh, right. See you then.
03:53If her tits wobble, I'll get her picture, all right?
04:02So, what are the contenders for the front now, picture-wise?
04:05Well, it's down to two, really. The earthquake at Santiago, or Mr. Rathbone's Angel of Mercy mission to Bangladesh.
04:13Angel of Mercy? Twiggy Rathbone?
04:15Hey, out of the goodness of his heart, our publishers have just flown halfway around the world in the cause
04:21of international famine relief, distributing food to the needy.
04:24Food?
04:25Six million rat-bite chocolate bars.
04:28They're naked by the Coco Products Division of Rathouse International.
04:32If that isn't a gesture of generosity deserving front-page coverage, I don't know what it is.
04:36How about a follow-up on the hanging? Labor's pledged to repeal as soon as they're re-elected.
04:41It's hardly news, Harry. They've been saying that right through the campaign.
04:45I see. And we didn't carry it then. Why should we bother now?
04:48I hope you're not trying to steer this paper to the right behind my back, Russell.
04:51May God strike me dead, Harry.
04:54What have I got to gain by sucking up to McNamara and his Tory government anyway?
04:58A knighthood in the birthday honours list?
05:00Well, you've caught me under words with that rumour, Harry. It's first I've heard of that.
05:03I won't stand for it, you know, Russell.
05:06Reds under the beds, left-wing scare stories, character assassination for political gain.
05:12I've seen it happen too often.
05:13That's like a knife through my heart, Harry, to think that I, who worship everything you stand for,
05:18should take some innocent citizen and turn him overnight into a national left-wing bogeyman
05:23just for cheap sensationalism.
05:25Spam.
05:26Ah, is that the religious affairs correspondent of Father Teasdale here?
05:30No, no. You've been put through to the wrong extension.
05:32Ah, good. I wondered if you could include a small calendar after letting people know
05:36that I should be staying on for a while at St. Ninian's.
05:39I was moving out, but what with my maricous veins...
05:42This is the editor's office.
05:43Besides, I don't see why they should close the church on just like that, do you?
05:48In fact, I'm thinking of right into the bishop's.
05:49You gibbering old fool.
05:52Some senile old duffer wants to stop his church being shut down, just as if I...
06:04Max, give me Greg Kettle in here, at once.
06:09I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, they're nothing but the truth.
06:13Thank you, God.
06:14Are you sure all this is necessary, Mr. Kettle?
06:16It's standard practice in newspaper interviews, Father.
06:19We have to separate fact from fiction.
06:21But I am a member of the Catholic Church, you know.
06:24Richard Nixon was a quanker, but he didn't get the better of us.
06:27What am I supposed to have done wrong?
06:29Well, that's what we're here to find out, isn't it, Father?
06:31Father!
06:32There was a nasty piece of work from the gutter press.
06:35Came round a minute ago, but I managed to get rid of him.
06:38He was trying to...
06:42I told you you're not to see him.
06:44The father's got flu.
06:45He may have typhus or chronic ringworm, madam.
06:48I won't catch it.
06:49Oh, I come from a very sturdy stock.
06:51I've interviewed lepers before today,
06:54but thank you anyway for the tip.
06:55Perhaps you could breathe away from me whatever possible, Father.
07:00You are, Father Edward Teasdale,
07:03incumbent priest at the parish of St. Ninian's here in Islington?
07:06Yes.
07:06A church which the authorities say must close due to falling attendances.
07:09Yes, yes.
07:10Yet you are still here, Father.
07:12Well, I thought I'd try and stay on
07:14and change the bishop's mind.
07:15You see, what I really...
07:16You are, in effect, staging a wildcat sit-in
07:19to stop your employers butchering the industry.
07:22Well, I guess, of course, I'm quite glad that.
07:24Father Teasdale, how long have you been a radical moxist?
07:45Miss Chandler?
07:46Yes.
07:48Miss Sharon Chandler?
07:50Yes.
07:51Oh, your voice sounds different on the phone.
07:55Sharon's washing her hair.
07:56What do you want?
07:57Bill Titler, Daily Crucible.
07:59Sharon is up.
07:59Sounded urgent.
08:01Hang on.
08:10Mr Titler.
08:13I was just washing my hair.
08:16So I see.
08:17Wet.
08:21Come in.
08:25So, I wonder if we could just go over the story of yours once again,
08:29only we want to be dead sure we've got it right
08:31with something as big as this, don't we?
08:34Basically, your pet tabby cat Gertrude
08:37looks like Princess Michael of Kent.
08:41Right.
08:43Every time anyone sees her, they always say,
08:46my goodness, that cat looks exactly like Princess Michael of Kent
08:50apart from the whiskers.
08:53Correct.
08:55Now, Gertrude is grey and white in colour,
08:57with big blue eyes and a prominent snout.
09:00She's six and a half years old
09:02and her favourite food is liver, rabbit and tilchers.
09:06As I say, I'm sorry she's not here for you to see.
09:09Only my boyfriend...
09:12Keith.
09:13Keith.
09:14I had to take her to the vets this morning
09:15to have her put down.
09:19Yeah.
09:19That's why Sharon seems a bit upset, you see.
09:23Fine.
09:24Well, thanks very much for calling me up
09:27and here, don't go giving this story to the guards.
09:30I'm not a guardian now, will you?
09:31No, of course not.
09:33Thank you for calling, Mr. Titler.
09:34Pleasure.
09:35I hope you don't mind me asking this, Keith.
09:37You see, the thing is, I've got a bit of a problem.
09:39I can't find clothes to fit me.
09:41Sorry.
09:42Well, you see, that suit you're wearing,
09:43that's obviously a hand-cut made-to-measure job.
09:45Now, what is that? Savile Row, is it?
09:47Well, this.
09:48Burton's off the peg.
09:49Pull the other one.
09:50Oh, straight up.
09:51No, really, where did you get it?
09:53Italian, is it?
09:54Oh, my life, look.
09:55Well, I've got a little bit of a bag, but I've got a little bit of a bag.
10:00Shame about the shoes.
10:04Incredible.
10:05All these years that I never realised I was a radical Marxist.
10:09It's off and over.
10:10But, uh, I have a knack of winkling these things out.
10:14Is this your diary?
10:16Yes, sir.
10:16I'm afraid I shall have to confiscate it.
10:19And we shall also need an up-to-date photograph of you.
10:21So I'll have to ask you to accompany me back to the office to have one taken.
10:25Can you do that?
10:26Yes, I'm afraid so.
10:29I'll just get my coat on.
10:31And be quick about it, if you would.
10:33Doesn't do to keep Her Majesty's dress waiting.
10:36I'm ready, look.
10:40I won't have to wear handcuffs, will I?
10:42That's rather up to you, isn't it, Father?
10:45Come on.
10:48Start your day with a sizzle from the white-hot crucible.
10:51And see the scientific discovery of the age,
10:54Wobble Vision.
10:56Now, your favourite luscious lovelies in full quivering glory.
11:00With the special glasses free in every issue.
11:02Only in the crucible.
11:04The paper with integrity.
11:38Ted the Red.
11:39Blast.
11:40Church axe threat.
11:42A fanatical left-wing priest from North London.
11:45This week launched a massive campaign of bully boy tactics.
11:49Designed to bring the country to its knees.
11:52Speaking to our reporter at his criminal style headquarters.
11:55A man who has been dubbed Castro in a classic.
11:58Denied any political motto behind his protest against church closures.
12:04But sources close to the militant Jesus freak say he is hell-bent on the destruction.
12:10Sir, this is disgraceful.
12:14Absolutely disgraceful, Mrs. Beatty.
12:16How they ever let a dreadful man like that become a treat after him.
12:21We're talking about you, Father.
12:28I knew we should never have let that snake in the grass in here.
12:33And how you could ever let them persuade you to have your picture taken.
12:37We said it would be more natural if I was reading a newspaper.
12:39But the morning star, Father.
12:44Speaking to Lloyd, Richard and Kelvin at lunch, Max, they said none of their papers had the slightest intention of
12:49copying our wobbling girls' idea.
12:50That means every tabloid in Fleet Street will have them by next Monday.
12:54Well, you know what they say, Russell.
12:55Tits sell newspapers.
12:57Fortunately for us, they also buy them.
12:59Now, then, the Teasdale leader column.
13:02A pox on this creature of crystalline.
13:03The Crucible speaks its mind.
13:06It's a shame Harry Stringer can't be here to ever see this editorial.
13:09It's the one thing he was obsessed with keeping an eye on.
13:13No news, I guess, still, I suppose.
13:17No.
13:18No, no, he's still trapped down there, Russell.
13:22Electronic locks must have jammed on his doors and windows.
13:26He's been in there seven hours now.
13:29Company cars all over.
13:32Still, I can speak for Harry.
13:33Word of one mind, he and I.
13:35Now, then, where were we?
13:36Poet crazed Parson, Ted the Red.
13:40Teasdale is a cause for national shame.
13:43Ted the Red underlined, I think.
13:44Power crazed Parson in 12-point bold type.
13:50Okay, Max.
13:51Father Teasdale himself was unavailable for comment as he'd gone to bed early.
13:56Meanwhile, reaction to the Crucible's story has been swift.
14:00Seventeen other priests in North London have already announced they are to come out on strike in sympathy
14:05as a protest against church closures.
14:09Father Edwin O'Brien of John the Divine Candy said,
14:12It's the thin end of the wedge.
14:14We are not prepared to see hard-working colleagues thrown on scrappy.
14:18Russell.
14:20Harry, they've cut you out at last.
14:23Never mind, they've cut you out at last.
14:25Have you seen the news?
14:27Have you seen what effect this Ted the Red rubbish of yours is having?
14:30It's spreading like wild things.
14:32This is just the sort of inventive...
14:34Amatrizant.
14:35The swinger, Max wants to see you upstairs.
14:36I'll jump Russell, something's come up.
14:38We'll talk about this later, Harry.
14:41I don't think I won't, Russell.
14:49Did you get anywhere to death?
14:51There's something dodgy going on there, no doubt about that.
14:54I just don't know what it is.
14:55Need some ferreting out.
14:57Can I have a pint of Tantum, please, Archie?
14:59It's criminal, Bill.
15:00What they're doing to the Crucible.
15:02Criminal.
15:03Circulation shot up.
15:04Anything will shoot up.
15:05You've put naked women all over it.
15:09It's a travesty, a profession I joined 33 years ago.
15:14And when I was a reporter your age on the Macclesfield Echo,
15:16journalism was a fine, noble career.
15:20To serve society through the dispassionate execution of one's duty.
15:29Free from corruption.
15:35Greg!
15:39They've cut you out at last, then, Harry.
15:42Who were those people you were paying that money to?
15:44No, just ordering my Christmas cart, Harry.
15:47Pleased to do it, Harry.
15:48Oh, by the way, Bill, letter came for you about half an hour ago.
15:51Greg, I demand to know.
15:52Cart hang about, Harry.
15:53Lots to do.
15:54Bye.
15:57I'll see you around, Bill.
15:58Yeah, right.
15:59See you, Mr. Stringer.
16:00Thanks.
16:10I've just been out of the stones.
16:11Read tomorrow's leader column.
16:12Sam.
16:13I've never seen such a piece of pernicious dribble in my life.
16:16Sorry, Harry.
16:16We've got more pressing problems than that.
16:18Read the facts that's coming in from PA.
16:19Here, go on.
16:25Statement from BMA noon today confirms regular use of crucible glasses can lead to migraines
16:30and permanent damage to vision.
16:32Oh, my God.
16:40Stop that.
16:41You'll go blind.
16:50The sleepy parish of St. Hilda's was today witness to scenes of mob terror as pickets
16:56tried to disrupt the annual Easter fair.
16:59F for Freddie AYRD.
17:05Militant supporters of Father Teasdale were out in force as moderate parishioners attempted
17:10to defy the strike with homemade trinkled darts.
17:28Meanwhile, leader of the Wolf Cubs, Mr. K.R. Griffith, was viciously kicked in the stomach
17:32as he attempted to deliver the lucky dip.
17:38The ugliest moment came at 3.35 when one of the pickets logged a homemade bomb at the
17:44church hall room.
17:51Four scenes of unparalleled violence are expected tomorrow.
18:02I spoke to Mr. Rathbone this morning, just back from his mercy mission to the third world.
18:07He said it's a shame about the wobbling breasts, but he doesn't hold it against you, Harry.
18:12Oh, right.
18:13What do you mean he doesn't hold it against me?
18:15I wanted to call a halt to the whole thing.
18:16It was you who insisted on going ahead, remember?
18:18But I...
18:19That was...
18:20The only answer now is to pull the plug completely.
18:24That's why we called this special news conference.
18:26I think this press release says it all.
18:29Go blind glasses, jibe, seats, copycats, booze, bounce plan.
18:33The shock revelation that a new pair of gimmick glasses can ruin your eyesight
18:37has scotch plans by the mirror sun and star to launch a new wobble vision war in Fleet Street.
18:42Crucible editor Russell Spam, whose own paper courageously abandoned the idea after only two days,
18:47said, the man who hatched up the whole concept, executive managing editor Harry Stringer,
18:53has admitted he was wrong.
18:55The health of our readers must have come.
18:59You mean to tell me that all the other tabloids were just about to follow suit?
19:03Between them, they'd just printed eight million pairs of glasses, Harry.
19:06Now they'll have to scrap them off.
19:09Look, sir, the only people who've benefited from all this are the firm that make the glasses.
19:14I just think they're laughing all the way to the bank.
19:16That is correct.
19:17The firm which manufactured the glasses, Rat Print Industrial Optics,
19:21is a subsidiary of Rat House International.
19:25It is not my policy, however, gentlemen,
19:27to make cheap capital out of the blunders of my fellow proprietors in Fleet Street.
19:32Making cheap capital is the dog's turd on the path to prosperity.
19:37Instead, as a gesture of my magnanimity,
19:41I shall be donating all the profits from the manufacture of the glasses to charity.
19:45They'll be used to pay for the six million rat bite bars I distributed in Bangladesh.
19:50And like this...
20:03I think it's beautiful.
20:08we wait till the compton centre of the 핑계'smäßig or Mr. My D.
20:08He's also suggested we have gotten on the track record.
20:08So I've spent $3, if the roum yearning,
20:09it's something that I can do.lusion
20:11no. Like,
20:11liquor Yarns, there's
20:12not all the money, I've
20:12put nothing on the phone that's
20:12going on... and what
20:13is my turn on at his
20:13justification? What is
20:14there? Why do
20:16you think? I Hello?
20:22Hello. YMCA car park.
20:25Mr. Tickler.
20:28What is this?
20:30You have been to see the girl, Sharon Chandler.
20:35She told you nothing.
20:38Yeah, well, she was being leaned on, wasn't she? Rather heavily.
20:42Now, who are you and what's this all about?
20:44I cannot reveal my identity.
20:49You will know me simply as...
20:53Sore Throat.
20:57Sore Throat?
20:59Listen, if you're trying to wind me up or something...
21:02I will tell you just this much, Mr. Tickler.
21:08The rest is up to you.
21:12The man your newspaper thought was Khrushchev.
21:18Donald Kupelski...
21:21The bloke that died in the box?
21:23His death was no accident, Mr. Tickler.
21:29What are you trying to say?
21:32I repeat...
21:35Kupelski's death was no accident.
21:49I wouldn't wrap chips in this edition, Ross.
21:52Why are we going on and on about this poor man, Father Teasdale?
21:56Now, twenty things you never knew about the Pink Padre.
22:00One, he was born under the same star as Lenin.
22:03Two, his dental records are remarkably similar to those of Ho Chi Minh.
22:08Three, he has never formally denied being a member of the Bader-Meinhof gang.
22:13It's hard facts, Harry.
22:16It's not for us to brush truth under the carpet.
22:20Harold Stringer.
22:24Now, Mr. Rathbone.
22:25Only I'm in the middle of some very pressing...
22:28Yes, all right, in your office.
22:30First-rate job, Harry.
22:32This edition marks a new pinnacle in journalism.
22:35I'm very flattered, Mr. Rathbone, but I really don't feel it.
22:38Flattery is the floating cockroach in the milk of human kindness.
22:41I didn't call you here to butter you up.
22:46Take a look at this.
22:51That's spitting image, isn't it?
22:54Sunday's episode.
22:56I'll just fast-forward through and stop it anywhere at random.
23:03Ah, come in, Spam.
23:05What's our latest gimmick to boost circulation?
23:09Well, how about this one, your most tricky, Rathbone-ness?
23:13As from tomorrow, with every copy of the Daily Crucible,
23:16you get a free naked lady.
23:20A free naked lady?
23:21Yes, and you just open the paper like this,
23:24and they out drops a real, live, naked light.
23:28With big, floppy, dangly things
23:30where you can put your face between like this,
23:32and go...
23:36Terrible idea, and I hate it.
23:38I've got a much better one.
23:40It came to me this morning
23:41as I was walking across the water in my jacuzzi.
23:44However, with every copy of the Crucible,
23:47we give away...
23:49a free naked lady.
23:53Oh, terrific, sir!
23:54Apostically scrumptious!
23:56I think I'm gonna have an orgasm!
24:00If I'm big enough, Harry, I can take it.
24:03It's the royal family I feel sorry for.
24:06They can't answer back.
24:09Quite.
24:12Well, if that's it, sir.
24:14I'm scared.
24:15I have a lot to do.
24:16That kind of savage caricatures
24:18water off and ducks back to me, Harry!
24:21I shan't be after the blood of those Oxbridge rejects
24:23with that schoolboy humor!
24:25I can take a joke!
24:28Morning, Mr. Rathburn.
24:39So, you and the editor were with Kubelski
24:41in the green room till seven.
24:42You broke for supper,
24:44went on the air at nine,
24:45and at two minutes past,
24:46the old man was dead,
24:48apparently from a heart attack.
24:49Does all this really matter now, Bill?
24:52The Khrushchev hopes
24:54is ancient history.
24:56Suppose my contact's on the level.
24:58Suppose he didn't die a natural death.
25:00Pure contact.
25:02A lobotomy case
25:03who rings you up in underground car parks
25:05and calls himself sore throat?
25:08If we printed every story we got from Cranks,
25:11there'd be no space left for the real serious news.
25:14Now, this is the one I want you to...
25:16I want you to cover this one.
25:18An old man in Falkirk
25:20who's got a ferret
25:21that looks like Princess Margaret.
25:27Nice one, Russell.
25:28Find some more and work it into a feature.
25:32The gerbil that looks like Viscount Lindley.
25:36The Natterjack Toad
25:38that's a dead ring of Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.
25:42With respect, Mr. Stringer did expressly say
25:45I was to dig around in this one for a bit.
25:47Is Andy out there?
25:48Get him in here the moment he comes back, will you?
25:51Now, the only people who would put near Kubelski
25:53were yourself, the editor, the interviewer
25:55and the LWT staff nurse.
25:57Do you really believe that geriatric lunatic was murdered?
26:01Do you really believe nobody else would have found out by now?
26:04You'll believe anything.
26:06I didn't believe he was Christian.
26:10Ben?
26:12Oh, Greg, what's the latest on Father Teasdale?
26:1457 more priests on strike today, Russell.
26:17They see the threat to close St Ninian's as the tip of the iceberg.
26:21Of course, the church is denied having any hit list,
26:23but then so did Henry VIII.
26:26There's a lot of priests still trying to work normally
26:29but being hampered by mass picketing.
26:33I saw a christening today
26:34where the baby had to be passed down a line of policemen like a rugby ball.
26:39You stay with it, Greg, but whatever you do,
26:42keep close tabs on Teasdale.
26:44He's the key to the whole story.
26:47He looks a bit fierce, Mrs. Beattie.
26:49He doesn't bite, does he?
26:51He's a guard dog father.
26:53Of course he bites.
26:55I didn't borrow him to run up to an intruder
26:58and have his tummy tickled.
27:01Now, I'm going to give Lobo his supper.
27:03Whatever you do,
27:05don't open the door to any more reporters
27:07to hear me under any circumstances.
27:09Come on.
27:10Of course I won't, Mrs. Beattie.
27:11Of course not.
27:13No.
27:17No.
27:24Please go away.
27:27Go away!
27:41Oh, my goodness me!
27:44Oh, you, ma'am.
27:47Oh, heavens.
27:50Father!
27:51What are you doing?
27:52He's having a heart attack,
27:53we must wrap him in a blanket
27:54and get an ambulance.
27:55Oh, let me in!
27:57You're obstructing us citizens
27:58from going to his place of work!
28:00I'll have your assets sequestrated for this!
28:03Get out of this house!
28:05They've started nothing, Father!
28:07Go away!
28:08Please go away!
28:09We don't like you,
28:10we don't want you, we are!
28:12Oh, no, you can't!
28:14What?
28:14No!
28:14They've had enough warnings, Father!
28:17Go away!
28:18Go away!
28:20Go away!
28:22Go away!
28:22Go away!
28:23Go away!
28:36Go away!
28:41I'm sorry to trouble you not.
28:42My name's Bill Tittler.
28:43Oh!
28:43Mr. Tittler.
28:45I, um...
28:46Look, I'm frightfully busy.
28:47I can't possibly talk.
28:49What?
28:49No, actually, this time I came to talk about...
28:50Mr. Kubelski?
28:51Yes?
28:52Well, I suppose someone told you
28:54I gave him an injection
28:54before he went on the air.
28:56All right!
28:57Yes, I did.
28:57What of it?
28:58There's nothing sinister in that, is there,
29:00Mr. Tittler?
29:01Why does everyone keep hounding me?
29:03For Christ's sake, leave me alone!
29:06Ah, sorry to drag you from your work again, Harry.
29:09This seems to have been delivered
29:10to my office completely by mistake.
29:12Looks like a freelance submission for a TV column.
29:15Libby Molesworth, bitch of the box.
29:17Breezy and biting, she comes out fighting.
29:21At a glance, I'd say it was well worth inclusion.
29:25A good comedy show on TV is like a drop in the ocean.
29:28Spitting image is like a plop in the lavatory.
29:31The last spot of this week's show was a cruel and ugly rubber dolly purporting to represent
29:36the fine aquiline features of Mr. Terence Rathbone, the distinguished millionaire philanthropist.
29:43Lampoon it may be, but lampoons are the embarrassing understain on the fabric of society.
29:51He pulls no punches, Harry.
29:53Quite.
29:56Um, we have a slight problem here, Mr. Rathbone, in that the NGA have a work to rule on at
30:02the
30:02moment over manning levels.
30:04And, um, if, heaven forbid sir, Ms. Melsworth turned out not to be a member of the NUJ,
30:11I'm afraid they'd simply refuse to set the copy.
30:16Ah.
30:18Besides which, if we did run the column, there are some malicious minded people who might think
30:23we only printed it so that you could get your own back on spitting image.
30:27Finish the thought, Harry! I've no axe to grind with that heap of excrement.
30:33So, if that's all, sir.
30:36Only I do seem to be spending an awful lot of my time up here just lately,
30:39when really I ought to be attending to matters on the paper.
30:42I agree, Harry. Next time, don't bother me unless it's important.
30:46Good morning.
30:49Supposing someone did want to bump the old man off.
30:52They get the studio nurse to slip something into his insulin jab,
30:55then put the frighteners on her to make sure she doesn't talk.
30:58Yes, but, Howard, don't you ever stop eating.
31:02No disrespect, but this is just the sort of deep scandal expose I cut my teeth on
31:07as a cub reporter for the Osmistry Comet.
31:11The first question you've got to answer is,
31:13if Kubelski was poisoned, why didn't it show up at the post-mortem?
31:18If only there was some way we could find out what was in the pathologist's report.
31:21You could try reading it.
31:25That's one possibility.
31:28How did you get hold of this?
31:29Me.
31:30Down the coroner's office.
31:31As you can see, cause of death, heart failure.
31:35It might be worth having a word with the doctor, though.
31:37I thought I'd pay him a call tomorrow morning.
31:40Yes.
31:41Right.
31:43It's very impossible.
31:45I suppose Kettle's still out on the Teasdale story.
31:49I think he's found some new angle on it.
31:52That's what worries me.
31:55A short history of werewolves?
31:58The werewolf a serious study.
32:02Lycanthropes and man-beasts, do they exist in modern society?
32:06No, ridiculous.
32:08Even Kettle couldn't work these into a newspaper story.
32:12So, in the last 25 years, that's 548 legs of lamb, 139 necks of lamb, 254 shoulders of lamb, 141
32:22lamb's livers.
32:23In other words, if we put all these together,
32:27Father Teasdale has, to your certain knowledge,
32:30devoured no fewer than 137 dead sheep.
32:35Don't open the clusters.
32:37Out of the way, please, ladies.
32:39The Majesty's Press.
32:40Can't I ever have an early night, Russell?
32:43Can't I ever leave this building before the presses roll,
32:45without you committing this sort of front page atrocity?
32:48I agree, Harry, the layout's an abortion.
32:50We were pushed for time.
32:52I'm not talking about the layout, Russell.
32:55As you well know, I'm talking about this.
32:57Ted the Red in Wolfman Riddle.
33:01Greg Kettle probes the ghastly goings-on in St Ninian's Churchyard.
33:06Speculation was growing today that militant left-wing clergyman Father Teasdale
33:10may be hiding a grim and grisly secret.
33:13I offer no rational explanation for the macabre events that transpired when I called on him two nights ago.
33:18Let readers judge for themselves.
33:21Fact.
33:23Seconds after Teasdale had disappeared from view,
33:26a hideous wolf-like beast materialised in the doorway and tried to savage me to death.
33:33Fact.
33:34Teasdale and the wolf-like creature were never seen together at the same time.
33:38Fact it was a night with a full moon.
33:41Fact the wolf was still wearing a dog collar.
33:44Fact.
33:47Fact.
33:49Fact.
33:52Fact.
33:53Fact.
34:17Fact.
34:20Fact.
34:21Fact.
34:24Fact.
34:35Fact.
34:38Fact.
34:42Fact.
34:47Fact.
34:49Fact.
34:50Fact.
34:51check them out. We don't publish them. Are you sure you don't spike them? Greg, I want
34:59a word. So, you examined Mr. Kubelski's body, doctor. What exactly did you come up with
35:09then? Come up with? It was a post-mortem, Mr. Titler, not a lucky dip. One follows a
35:17precise procedure. First, you fold back the skin and muscles, so expose the thoracic
35:24cavity. Then you look at the heart. As you can see, this is a perfectly sound and healthy
35:30one. That's lucky, though, Nick. No problem with the pumping action here. Now, just you
35:36give that a squeeze.
35:56Now, you're Mr. Kubelski, if I recall. His heart was more like a deep-frozen pizza. Hard
36:05and emaciated. You all right, Mr. Titler? Yes, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm supposing someone
36:14had been poisoned. How would you find that out? Send some blood samples down to the
36:19path lab. They'd run various tests. You did that with Kubelski, did you? I've already told
36:24you, Mr. Titler. One look at his heart was enough to tell me what he died of, so it wasn't
36:28necessary to make blood tests. Besides, one can tell a great deal about the state of the
36:32blood from a liver biopsy. Now, if I just take a big slice...
36:47First time you've examined a dead body, I take it? Well, I did once interview Selina
36:52Scott. Yes, yes it is. Well, if I've answered all your questions...
37:01Yes, thanks very much for your help, Doctor. Oh, sorry, there was just one thing. Kubelski
37:07was, of course, a diabetic. That had nothing at all to do with his death. You know, lack
37:11of, um, whatever it is, insulin. You're certain about that?
37:14Perfectly certain. There was no evidence of insulin deficiency at all.
37:17Well, how do you know if you didn't carry out a blood test? Oh, of course, the studio nurse.
37:22She'd only just given him a fresh dose half an hour before, hadn't she?
37:25Yes, yes, yes, that's right. Oh, how you stick this job beats me, Doctor. You know, half
37:29an hour I've been here and it's already affecting my brain. Do you know, a minute ago, I thought
37:33I saw that corpse over there move. Pathetic, isn't it? Anyway, bye. Thanks again.
37:48You asked us to print a retraction, Harry. It took me four and a half hours to find it,
37:53Russell. Three across. He is not really a werewolf. I agree, Harry. Shab is not the word for it.
38:06Subs must have misheard my instructions. I said, print it on page five across three columns.
38:14They must have thought, I said, make it into a crossword clue.
38:19Have you any idea what it's like, Mr. Stringer, to get threatening phone calls from sheep farmers
38:25in Inverere? Mr. Beattie, I really am... To wake up in the middle of the night and find the local
38:32Tory party agent trying to fire a silver bullet through the window. He's a frightened man,
38:40Mr. Stringer. He just sits here all day long, convinced he can see the hair growing on his
38:48hands. And do show you, Mr. Beattie, we will be making full reparations. I am personally writing
38:54a long and detailed apology, which will appear prominently right across tomorrow's
38:58front page. At this time, I assure you, the Daily Crucible will emerge with honour.
39:04There must be some reason for this, Mr. Rathbone. I mean, if our advertising rates are too high,
39:10we could... Is there something wrong with your hand?
39:13Just a touch of writer's cramp. Anyway, my mind... Next week, I shall be cancelling all our
39:19peak time TV commercials for the following products. Rat Bite Dairy Assortment, Rat Keg
39:26Yorkshire Bitter, Rat Race Sport Cycles Oil of Rat Baby Lotion, Rat American Airways, Rat 69,
39:37improved fiber-rich rat brand breakfast flakes. You see, to be frank, Mr. Spatula, I'm worried
39:44about our brand image. Brand image? The name of Rathouse is a byword for quality and integrity.
39:50Attributes not currently shared, I'm afraid, by the programs put out from your TV station.
39:56Programs? I'm not singling out any one show in particular. You've only got to open the TV times
40:02any day of the week to see the sort of garbage I'm talking about.
40:10Ah.
40:15Champagne, Mr. Spatula!
40:23Don't blame yourself, Harry. It could happen to anyone.
40:26How could they do this to me, Russell? What does it look like? Recent articles in The Crucible have suggested
40:32that Father Edward Teasdale may be prey to supernatural forces. Today, Executive Managing Editor Harold Stringer
40:39sets out the facts in Mr. Teasdale's defence. Nothing! A complete blank space!
40:46They all think it's a gimmick that we're refusing to apologise. It's a disaster!
40:51You weren't to know, Harry, that your NUJ membership had just expired.
40:57By three days, Russell. If they'd told me, I could have renewed.
41:02Now, when comps worked to rule, they worked to rule. The copy was black. There was nothing I could do
41:05about it.
41:06I often wonder if I should have died while I was still young.
41:12Spam?
41:13Oh, yes. He's right here, Mr. Rathbone.
41:18Oh, for goodness sake, sir. If I hear one more syllable about spitting image, I won't be responsible for my...
41:23Spitting image? I'm over that one now, Harry.
41:27I was just being an old sorrowful.
41:29Where are we if we can't laugh at ourselves?
41:32The show's a real tonic. All good, clean harm is fine. I can't wait to see tomorrow night's episode.
41:37This is an outrage. A scab on the pimple of journalism.
41:42And I am not standing.
41:46Send the idiot responsible for this hogwash in here at once.
41:50You sent for me your constant erectness. Let me massage your buttocks with my tonsils.
41:56Shut up, you grubby little hack.
41:58What do you mean by filling my paper with these outrageous whoppers?
42:03They are a bit lumpy round the nipples, aren't they, son?
42:07Think about these whoppers, Stinger.
42:10Labour party rocked by new vampire scandal.
42:13Leader of the opposition admits I suck the blood out of babies.
42:17Yum, yum.
42:20TUC's general secretary is a Martian.
42:23A new report says he busts out of people's chests at dinner parties.
42:27How can you ever forgive me your ineffableness?
42:30I'll just slice my head off with a chainsaw.
42:32Don't make me pick a body, Stinger.
42:53What have you found out so far, Mr. Titler?
42:59Approximately bugger all.
43:01The nurse who gave the old boy the injections too scared to open her mouth.
43:05And the pathologist who examined the bodies almost certainly faked a report to make it look like a natural death.
43:10It's a bloody brick wall everywhere I go.
43:12And quite frankly, I'm getting a bit pissed off lurking around here in the dead of night like something out
43:17of Smiley's people.
43:19I wouldn't mind answer to a few questions.
43:22Like, who's the bloke with the shoes who keeps getting to everyone before I do ennobling them?
43:27You will have to be careful of him, Mr. Titler.
43:33He is a detective.
43:36He works for Special Branch.
43:41Terrific.
43:41Can't you see it yet, Mr. Titler?
43:47How big this is.
43:50Ask yourself, who would have this many people in his pocket?
43:57Who is there with the power, the influence, the money?
44:05Alright.
44:07How about the answer to this one?
44:10Who are you?
44:11And how come you know so much about all this anyway?
44:14And...
44:14Hello?
44:16Hello?
44:19Sore throat, is it now?
44:21Now don't tell me you've been discussing our little affairs with the newspapers.
44:25I wasn't awfully sensible of you, was it?
44:29Stay away from me, Keith.
44:34Stay away from me.
44:39Don't do that, please.
44:41No!
44:42Don't do that!
44:43Don't do that!
44:44Don't do...
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