- 14 hours ago
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00:00:13Well, gentlemen, here we are just about to set sail on another cruise.
00:00:17For ten years we've run this ship together, steadily increasing our reputation as the most efficient crew afloat.
00:00:24Together, that's the word.
00:00:26We know each other.
00:00:27Ten solid years of mutual knowledge, and that in itself makes for efficiency and enables me, as I look at
00:00:34all your familiar faces, to come straight to the point and say,
00:00:36Who are you?
00:00:38Your first officer, sir.
00:00:39You're not. Foxton is. What's happened to Foxton? Is he ill? What's he got?
00:00:43Eight drawers, sir.
00:00:45I should be so sick.
00:00:47I'm your emergency replacement, sir.
00:00:51Marjorie Banks. On transfer from the Wrens?
00:00:56They told me you were a pretty wits, sir. It's pronounced March Banks. At your service, sir.
00:01:02What are you laughing at?
00:01:04Nothing.
00:01:07Who are you?
00:01:09Marjorie.
00:01:11Ship's doctor.
00:01:12Impossible.
00:01:13Not impossible at all.
00:01:14I have certificates to prove it, have I not?
00:01:16I'm certified, I am.
00:01:17You look it.
00:01:18The wits, and they were right.
00:01:21No, no.
00:01:23Sir.
00:01:26Been?
00:01:27No, that's the trouble.
00:01:28Eh?
00:01:29Well, I haven't been regular lately, you see.
00:01:32So, therefore, I prescribe myself a sea voyage and the exercise. That's why I'm here, actually.
00:01:37Say, sir.
00:01:37You say, ah.
00:01:38Ah, good gracious. May I do not like that green fleck in the eye here, sir, you see?
00:01:42Never mind about these eyes. Where have you sprung from?
00:01:44Oh, consolidated marmalade.
00:01:46Yes.
00:01:47I was the factory's medical officer, you see.
00:01:50Where's Dr. Jepson?
00:01:51Consolidated marmalade, isn't it?
00:01:53This eye?
00:01:54Is it this eye? Are you sure?
00:01:55Yes, that's the one there. You see this? Yes, sir, look.
00:01:57Green as grass in there. Now, there's probably too much chlorophyll in the toothpaste.
00:02:00Watch it.
00:02:01Sir.
00:02:02It's all very unsettling.
00:02:03It's very unsettling. All these changes may be on my back.
00:02:06Your pardon?
00:02:07My back. My back.
00:02:08Probably overdoing it, eh, sir?
00:02:10I'll massage your clavicles.
00:02:11You will not.
00:02:13Now then, where was I?
00:02:14Ah, you were getting straight to the point, sir.
00:02:16Oh, yes. Yes.
00:02:18Now then, if this voyage turns out to be as successful as all the others we've made together,
00:02:21don't be surprised if after our return I ask each and every one of you to join me.
00:02:25Hey, excuse me, excuse me. I wonder if you could direct me to the kitchen.
00:02:27I'm new, you see. I'm sorry to interrupt you and all that, but I've been all over the boat.
00:02:30Ship.
00:02:31Oh, ship boat. Who cares, long as it floats.
00:02:34Now, I've been down the Sharp End, I've been down the Blanton End, and I've been down as far as
00:02:37it's possible to go.
00:02:38But I'll keep on finishing up ankle-deep in all this mucky water.
00:02:42Bilge.
00:02:43Oh, no need to be rude.
00:02:45Who are you?
00:02:46Well, make a wild guess.
00:02:50Wilfred Haynes, Captain. You'll find me on the list there. It's on the list, you see.
00:02:53What happened to Nottington, our regular shift cook?
00:02:55Perhaps he got fed up.
00:02:56Fed up? That's good.
00:02:58Belt up.
00:02:59What's your story?
00:03:00I'm the son of a sea cook.
00:03:02The original by the look of you.
00:03:05No, I've always wanted to go to sea.
00:03:08Thought I'd follow me father's wake, as it were.
00:03:10See?
00:03:11All I want to see is that this crew finishes up the most efficient that we've ever had.
00:03:15Because if it is, when we return, I expect to be given command of the company's new Atlantic liner.
00:03:20Which means that I will have to select my own crew, and that could be you.
00:03:23All of you.
00:03:24All right, dismissed.
00:03:25Oh, good.
00:03:26Well, except you, you, and you.
00:03:29Now then, I am going to be blunt and make some very cutting remarks.
00:03:34Well, the first of it, that's a contradiction in terms.
00:03:36But then English is a very curious language.
00:03:38If you interrupt me once more, Mr... Mr...
00:03:41Marchbanks, sir.
00:03:44If you interrupt me once more, mate, then you'll hear some really curious language.
00:03:48Now then, I have slugged my way up from nothing to get where I am today.
00:03:52But there are some copper-bottomed gentlemen on the board who still think it's dead wrong
00:03:56for an H-dropper like me to be a ship's captain.
00:03:59And they would scuttle me if they had half a chance.
00:04:01And that is why I have built this old crew around me so that they don't get the chance.
00:04:05That is also why I get nervous when I see new faces.
00:04:09Your faces are new.
00:04:11So I'm nervous.
00:04:12To me, you look like disaster on six legs.
00:04:16Prove I'm wrong.
00:04:17That's all I ask.
00:04:18Clear?
00:04:19As there.
00:04:20As an X-ray.
00:04:21As soup.
00:04:32Who are you?
00:04:34Me, sir.
00:04:34Turner, sir.
00:04:35Turner?
00:04:36Turner, sir.
00:04:37What are you doing here?
00:04:38Head barman, sir.
00:04:39You can't be head barman.
00:04:41Angus is my head barman.
00:04:42Not anymore, sir.
00:04:43Not anymore?
00:04:44They can't do this to me, changing a barman.
00:04:46It's like ripping out the engine.
00:04:48Where's Angus?
00:04:49What has happened to Angus?
00:04:50Don't tell me he's got married and sworn off the booze.
00:04:52How did you get, sir?
00:04:53Well, no, not Angus.
00:04:55He's the only one.
00:04:56Do you know how to mix my favourite drink?
00:04:58What's that, sir?
00:04:58The Aberdeen Angus?
00:04:59No, you've only got to tell me, sir.
00:05:00But I can't tell you!
00:05:02I don't know it.
00:05:02Angus is the only one who knows it.
00:05:04Didn't he tell you the secret?
00:05:05No, sir.
00:05:05Didn't he give you the recipe for the drink that's got a kick like a steer?
00:05:08No.
00:05:10A whole cruise without an Aberdeen Angus kicking about inside me.
00:05:14I'll go barmy.
00:05:19Hello, hello.
00:05:20Well, this ain't the kitchen, is it?
00:05:21I shall say not.
00:05:22It's the captain's night cabin.
00:05:23Oh, cosy.
00:05:26Distinctly cosy, yes.
00:05:28Er, do you know where the kitchen is?
00:05:30Why not, chum?
00:05:31I'm the stranger out here myself.
00:05:32Oh, another new face.
00:05:33Poor fella.
00:05:35You'll cop the lot.
00:05:36Beautiful.
00:05:43Oh.
00:05:44Boy, sir.
00:05:47Don't tell me.
00:05:49You're my new steward.
00:05:51Lovell has broken his leg.
00:05:53You've only done three trips.
00:05:55All from Tower Bridge to Margit.
00:05:58You're dead right, sir.
00:05:59How did you know?
00:05:59I'm psychic.
00:06:00Tom Tree.
00:06:02Right.
00:06:03That's right, sir.
00:06:03Bronches everywhere.
00:06:05Right, twig.
00:06:11OK.
00:06:22We're moving.
00:06:23Oh, glad.
00:06:25Oh, hello.
00:06:26We're moving.
00:06:39Are we moving to?
00:06:40I don't know.
00:06:42Oh, hello.
00:06:43Oh, glad.
00:06:44It's got the other end.
00:06:46Oh, sorry, ladies.
00:06:47I didn't look where you were going.
00:06:49Do you think he drives the boat?
00:06:51He looks more like the conductor.
00:07:00Oh, dear.
00:07:00Oh, dear.
00:07:04There, both.
00:07:04Is that better?
00:07:05Yes, thank you.
00:07:07What is it I'm standing on?
00:07:08A bollard.
00:07:09Oh, fancy.
00:07:10Hey.
00:07:12We're moving.
00:07:13That's right, chief.
00:07:13Yeah.
00:07:14You know, I thought I fell over.
00:07:15Oh, my.
00:07:25Oh, my.
00:07:48Something up, Chief.
00:07:49Any minute.
00:07:49Surely you're not seasick.
00:07:51The Chief we've hardly left, sure.
00:08:04Yes, yes, yes.
00:08:06Ah, now that looks very comfy.
00:08:09It's just the sort of thing I need for the exercise.
00:08:12Right.
00:08:13Never too early to start.
00:08:18Help!
00:08:21Help, help, doctor.
00:08:22I want a doctor.
00:08:24I could use one myself.
00:08:27What's the trouble?
00:08:28Seasick?
00:08:29Terrible.
00:08:30You don't look seasick.
00:08:31Well, I'm not up here.
00:08:33Where are you seasick?
00:08:34Down below.
00:08:36What do you mean?
00:08:36Out of sight of sea and sky.
00:08:38Doctor, I've got to be here with my green eye.
00:08:40I'm rather worried about...
00:08:41No, don't, please, please.
00:08:42You, don't be silly.
00:08:43No, don't shut the door.
00:08:44Doctor, please understand.
00:08:45As long as I can see the sea, I'm all right.
00:08:47It's only when I go down below,
00:08:48me tummy starts doing the twists.
00:08:50For Mrs. Beaton's sake, please help.
00:08:53Mousepanks, shut the door, yeah?
00:08:55No, no.
00:08:56Quiet, you gastronomic goon.
00:08:58You want the whole ship to know you're seasick?
00:09:00Doctor, you must do something.
00:09:02I mean, what a start.
00:09:03The cook can't cook because the quack can't cure him.
00:09:05I'll cure him or kill him.
00:09:07All right.
00:09:08Come here.
00:09:09Now, let me see the sea, please.
00:09:11All right, have a look at the sea, then.
00:09:14Ah.
00:09:16I hesitate to interfere.
00:09:18Well, go on hesitating.
00:09:19I was going to suggest a traditional cure for Maldemar.
00:09:22I don't happen to be treating a mare.
00:09:26Excuse me.
00:09:28Here you are, Cookie.
00:09:29Oh, thank you, Cookie.
00:09:29I mean, Doc.
00:09:30That'll soothe your nerves.
00:09:32Water nurse.
00:09:33Ah, I mean, Marchbanks.
00:09:35Put that the kill or the cure.
00:09:36Ah.
00:09:38This happens to be the first of three stages.
00:09:40Ah.
00:09:41Three stages?
00:09:43I'm all right now.
00:09:46Ah.
00:09:46Well, these tablets will counteract the somnolent effect of the mixture and give you energy.
00:09:50Mm-hmm.
00:09:54Now, just a little shot to increase the value of both treatments.
00:10:00Roll up the sleeves.
00:10:01No, no, no, thanks.
00:10:02All the same.
00:10:03I can't bear to see the needle going in, you see.
00:10:04Oh.
00:10:05Well, in that case, there's only one other place available.
00:10:07Drop them.
00:10:08Well, I'm not holding them, whatever they are.
00:10:10I rather fancy the doctor means your trousers, Hans.
00:10:13Oh, my trousers?
00:10:14My what?
00:10:16Never.
00:10:17Mr. Marchbanks, if you want promotion to this new Atlantic liner.
00:10:20Say no more.
00:10:22Ah.
00:10:26Ah.
00:10:28Ah.
00:10:28Ah.
00:10:28Ah.
00:10:31Ah.
00:10:34Ah.
00:10:42What's the matter, Stuart?
00:10:43Not feeling well?
00:10:44Oh, oh, no, sir.
00:10:45No, I'm all right.
00:10:46It's, it's just, well, well, I'm, I'm, I'm new to this sort of thing, and, uh, I'm afraid
00:10:51of making a mistake.
00:10:52Oh, you don't want to be afraid.
00:10:54All you need to be a good steward is tact.
00:10:56I'll give you an example.
00:10:57A steward I knew a few years ago, walked in on a lady, standing in her bath, took one
00:11:00look at her, he said, excuse me, sir, and left, taxi.
00:11:05Hey, that's dead clever, isn't it?
00:11:07I'll remember that.
00:11:08Thank you, sir.
00:11:09Right, go on then.
00:11:17Hello, hello, and which of you two fellas take sugar?
00:11:24Good morning.
00:11:26Hope you slept well.
00:11:33Well, good morning.
00:11:41It's already been a nickname.
00:11:42Good morning.
00:11:42Bye, Funtzy.
00:11:42Good morning.
00:11:42Good morning.
00:11:42Bye, Funtzy.
00:11:42Bye, Funtzy.
00:11:42Bye, Funtzy.
00:11:43Bye.
00:11:44Bye, Funtzy.
00:11:53Bye, Funtzy.
00:11:54Bye.
00:11:54Quite an energetic game, one.
00:12:02Bye.
00:12:04Oh, my knee.
00:12:07Bye.
00:12:19That's it, Chloe, you've clicked.
00:12:21What's that?
00:12:23Oh, don't be like that.
00:12:24I think he's rather nice.
00:12:26Then you have him.
00:12:27I'm on this cruise to get a rest from men.
00:12:29Big head.
00:12:30Big head?
00:12:32Oh, no, really, I think you ought to give him a chance.
00:12:34He seems kind of helpless.
00:12:37Helplessness is the last thing I am looking for.
00:12:55Oh, mad, impulsive fool.
00:13:00Working on the omelet, eh?
00:13:02Something wrong, Chief?
00:13:03Oh, no, no, no.
00:13:04I've never seen eggs crack more conscientiously.
00:13:06Or slowly.
00:13:08Speed, man.
00:13:08Speed his essence.
00:13:09Do it the Haynes way.
00:13:10Lift and drop.
00:13:13Now you just strain through with the sift.
00:13:18Get me the first officer.
00:13:20Come in.
00:13:22What delayed you?
00:13:24Terribly sorry, sir.
00:13:25Overslept?
00:13:25Mr, er...
00:13:27Mr...
00:13:27C, err, sir.
00:13:28I always find the first few days makes me feel quite drowsy.
00:13:31Shut your porthole.
00:13:31I beg your pardon, sir.
00:13:33I must have pressure.
00:13:34Andrew Cato.
00:13:34Stop fidgeting.
00:13:36Paperwork.
00:13:37Not my favourite occupation.
00:13:38Nor mine.
00:13:39It's going to beep from now on.
00:13:40Oh, charming.
00:13:41Health report.
00:13:42Dock report.
00:13:43Crew report.
00:13:44Food report.
00:13:45Log report.
00:13:46Sports report.
00:13:47Diesel oil and fuel report.
00:13:48And a partridge in a pear tree.
00:13:51Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:13:55Omelets all prepared, Chief.
00:13:56Excellent.
00:13:57That was a time saver, all right.
00:13:58A matter of minutes.
00:13:59Twelve hundred eggs.
00:14:00Twelve hundred eggs.
00:14:00You should have seen them sliding through the sieve.
00:14:03Slurp, slurp, slurp.
00:14:05Slurp.
00:14:05What can I do now, Chief?
00:14:07Out of my way.
00:14:08They're wearing off.
00:14:09Pills.
00:14:10They're wearing off.
00:14:11Heels together.
00:14:12Arms extended above the head.
00:14:15And bend.
00:14:19Three.
00:14:22And lower.
00:14:23Heels together.
00:14:25Hips firm.
00:14:25Don't, sir.
00:14:27Don't.
00:14:27The mixture.
00:14:30Where?
00:14:32The mixture.
00:14:32Where?
00:14:46And the pills.
00:14:50Pills.
00:14:55Different colour.
00:14:57Same shape.
00:15:09One.
00:15:11Two.
00:15:12It's all right.
00:15:13I left it in the cabin.
00:15:15I'm going.
00:15:18Heels together.
00:15:19Wow.
00:15:21Hercules.
00:15:23I saw him first.
00:15:24Then.
00:15:25I thought you wanted a rest from then.
00:15:27In his case, I'll make an exception.
00:15:29Right.
00:15:30You promised you'd help me find a husband on this cruise.
00:15:33Well.
00:15:33From now on, my motto is help yourself.
00:15:36You could do the same.
00:15:37Dr. Bean's obviously interested in you.
00:15:39Hmph.
00:15:40That's all for today, girls.
00:15:41Dip it.
00:15:44I reserve the right to follow my heart, Florence Castle.
00:15:47Then this is war, Gladys Trimble.
00:15:48Right.
00:15:49Right.
00:15:50Excuse me, ladies.
00:15:53I should be taking coffee alone, Miss Castle.
00:15:55I do not say I hope it chokes you, Miss Trimble.
00:15:57I merely gloat over the possibility.
00:16:04Her, her, her, and a bottle of rum.
00:16:07We meet again, what?
00:16:09Would you like to poop up on the pop deck with me?
00:16:12Doctor, do me a favor.
00:16:14Operate somewhere else.
00:16:21How many of those do you take?
00:16:22Three.
00:16:23Three?
00:16:24Oh, why not?
00:16:25What?
00:16:25Well, they're my instant action, last resort pills.
00:16:27For bringing people out of a coma.
00:16:29Yeah, well, I wish I could come for a false heart.
00:16:33Give you an injection.
00:16:34Well, not again.
00:16:38Come back.
00:16:39Ah!
00:16:55It's my oyster.
00:16:55I can see it.
00:16:55Come back.
00:16:56And they're making, the snow.
00:16:57I'm gonna do it.
00:16:57Come back, once.
00:16:59Come back, through the mud.
00:17:04Ah, did it.
00:17:06You're not.
00:17:09There's nothing to do with you.
00:17:10Yeah.
00:17:17There's nothing to do with you.
00:17:20I'm not.
00:17:24Well, won't let us think of anything.
00:17:25conference all about then our gentlemen to this captain we are new faces and as
00:17:29such our every word our every action is subject to infinitesimal scrutiny he
00:17:34means the captain's got his beady eye on us
00:17:38precisely our gentleman I take it we all yearn to serve on this new Atlantic
00:17:42liner oh yes good good but the mind of the captain works in a strange way let
00:17:48one newcomer make an error or commit an indiscretion or drop the clangor let's
00:17:56and all newcomers are tarred with the same brush and prejudice this may be but
00:18:01fact it undoubtedly is gentlemen have I your agreement for a policy of
00:18:05under-emitting quasi-teutonic organizational perfectionism he means
00:18:09fingers out so heave to gentlemen our first major opportunity to impress is now
00:18:14tonight
00:18:21good evening captain hello miss castle join yourself yes thank you
00:18:35mr jenkins i'd like you to meet mrs lewis hello miss castle
00:18:43good evening mr jimble enjoy yourself very much thank you
00:18:48he's over there have one with me old chap it's all free yeah i think i could do with it
00:19:12love yeah well how did you know that's why i drink to forget her forget who blessed if i don't
00:19:25remember
00:19:26good evening evening good evening good evening good evening good evening miss sir
00:19:40good evening what's my steward doing surfing me begged for permission to lend a volunteering hand
00:19:47sir anything to help the smooth running of the ship good for him isn't it sir all we newcomers
00:19:52feel the same way sir just keep your beady your eyes on us i will fine conditions in the atlantic
00:20:01tonight i hear sir well that's great we don't happen to be on the atlantic just thought i'd
00:20:06let you know sir thank you must circulate the social touch you know
00:20:21so
00:20:41may i have the next dance i didn't know this was a dance oh
00:20:45what oh it isn't is it but every time i look at you i hear music every time i look
00:20:54at you i think of
00:20:55music do you colonel bogey excuse me oh wait yes the tropical
00:21:00why should i always be full of
00:21:05captain don't panic keep my calm captain water water
00:21:15captain captain where's the doctor doctor the doctor
00:21:24very nice come on everything will be all right come along now i'll soon have you on the table
00:21:30that's right this way come on captain you'll soon be all right and i'll keep taking the tablets
00:21:48during the war i did arctic runs that would have made hms ulysses look like a trip to
00:21:52brighton without getting a scratch two days on a simple cruise with you lot and look at me
00:21:58come in good morning sir some coffee to soothe your nerves calm me down there there i always say
00:22:06worse things happen at sea we are at sea you're landlocked nit well you'd never know it these
00:22:09stabilizer money coming you're late i'm very sorry sir a lot of work to clear up in the treatment
00:22:13cabin you know what with his face and his wrist and your nut um your hey sir well well well
00:22:18how are
00:22:19we all feeling now i usually penalize defaulters by stopping them a day's pay but if i did that with
00:22:27you lot you'd finish up owing the company money so i'll have to content myself with a few well-chosen
00:22:30words you for a start march banks oh sir you got my name right at last i'm in the mood
00:22:36for using
00:22:36the right words this morning you march banks are my ears are burning i shouldn't wonder someone's
00:22:48been talking about you do you think he's ever studied medicine oh i wouldn't think so what
00:22:52why in describing us he employed a great deal of physiological terminology
00:22:57well he was medically incorrect in what he called you on the toes and bend
00:23:07and stretch and lower well done ladies keep it up that's all for today ladies dismiss
00:23:33the right
00:23:34come on in miss
00:23:37i don't want to intrude you won't if you want to join one of my pt groups
00:23:42well i was thinking more of your individual attention you must be very advanced
00:23:48well you know oh really are you it'd be such a kick for me if you are you see most
00:23:53of these people
00:23:54haven't a clue think they can make up for 50 weeks lack of exercise with two weeks puffing and blowing
00:23:59well i
00:24:02yes i i suppose i am a bit of a bodybuilder you got a gym at your office why bring
00:24:07him oh jim
00:24:08yes oh yes it's a very progressive firm they provide everything for us girls
00:24:11we've got a gymnasium restrooms midget bowling alley terrible typewriters though marvelous i'm all for
00:24:18the modern girl taking care of her body provided it's not carried to extremes eh well uh let's see
00:24:24what you can do right after you look mom no hands just to warm up come on however you go
00:24:41i'll move the ship what about the bars now oh i'd love a drink
00:24:57that should really loosen you up you reckon come on over you go
00:25:09are you all right nearly burnt my boast there well what's next oh no you show me you're an expert
00:25:15on rope work it's my weakest point mine too my one failing i have a terrible head for heights but
00:25:23you were just up there me me up there oh blimey
00:25:35miss castle it's miss castle what have you been doing to miss castle we were exercising together
00:25:39i had no idea she wasn't used to us yes well luckily for you i'm used to an emergency and
00:25:43you're not
00:25:44would you mind leaving me with my patient please
00:25:48i have no idea what's going on for what i'm thinking i could be struck off
00:25:59breathing very well in but in out in oh stop it arthur been be professional pulse of course the pulse
00:26:13is
00:26:13oh fingers and thumbs today oh dear i want to go straight to the heart of the matter
00:26:23oh
00:26:28please madam
00:26:29i must have a witness the bma will never believe this
00:26:33ah what are you doing i was just resuscitating you oh
00:26:40no you don't understand don't i it was just a doctor's dilemma i was on the ceiling
00:26:44how am i doing here oh the ceiling delirious well get back on the ceiling if you want to
00:26:51there's a nice ceiling a special ceiling you can lie down on he's bunkers yes that is a nice
00:26:57ceiling oh it's a beautiful ceiling get on it like a good girl come along quite safe you won't
00:27:01fall off look you see there come on then now you relax and tell me all about it yes i
00:27:06might just
00:27:06as well get it all straight well i was just checking on your heart you see i had my head
00:27:09here like that you see and then suddenly your arm came up like that then the other one came up
00:27:13like that oh lord he's at it again right we'll visit dr bin next yes sir kept squeezing you
00:27:17squeeze you couldn't let go i asked you and suddenly you squeezed it was
00:27:19oh yes but not a good moment for your inspection sir the doctor is treating a lady
00:27:26what's he treating her to do you know miss castle captain not as well as you do doctor
00:28:02good morning sir one for the road eh what road well everybody's going ashore sir this is sunny spain
00:28:07so that's why they're charging around like a load of bulls that's right sir bull fights flamenco
00:28:10senoritas oh lay oh lay off but surely sir you're not stopping here why not spain's got nothing for
00:28:16me that i can't get right here open the sharing now let's try it again oh
00:28:35oh my eyes watch
00:28:39hmm very good if it were full of snuff it's made wrong you're doing it wrong let me do it
00:28:46on you
00:28:47you've done it on me already bringing me on this cruise first port down not a glimmer of a husband
00:28:52in sight
00:28:55shove your head back glad oh keep still i nearly shampooed you with it well get on with it open
00:29:00your mouth
00:29:18olay senor oh hello bin no no senor i am the famous torero from madrid
00:29:24you look exactly like our medical officer doctor bin
00:29:26oh no senor this afternoon i fight the 15 bulls that's an awful lot of bull
00:29:33well my father he breeds the famous fighting bulls you know every year 50 000 bulls he sends off my
00:29:39ship
00:29:39to south america 50 000 bulls
00:29:42see see and also every year 20 000 more he ships off to france that's 70 000 bulls
00:29:48see see he's one of the biggest bull shippers in the business
00:29:51oh watch it mate i am ferdinand the bull
00:29:55oh
00:30:23oh
00:30:25ha ha ha ha ha yours is the best
00:30:31excuse me sir thank you very sorry
00:30:33having a little party in your cabin sir with one guest me sir turner
00:30:47the aberdeen angus has a most distinctive aroma sir a niff all its own and that's why you want to
00:30:52find the recipe i like the taste too now then if i mix this little lot in a few different
00:30:57permutations by the law of averages sooner or later i must stumble across the recipe
00:31:01it's not the only thing you'll stumble on sir
00:31:03very domical would you like me to help you sir oh thanks you'll place it with the passengers
00:31:07sir just got time to do a bit of mixing before the daily offices meeting here we go
00:31:16gin i was ruined some benedictine merriment in the monastery
00:31:23some sherry toriado's transfusion and one for his knob crammed them off with the owl
00:31:35i'd rather not be disturbed much banks i can imagine unless it's something very important oh
00:31:39no no sir it's nothing that's all right then what'd he go up in that that mixture you haven't even
00:31:47started yet now then those are you it's a big flip a dash of bitters that should do for me
00:31:55i don't doubt that for a minute
00:32:16ben ben what is it old man the captain the captain what's the matter has he fallen in the drink
00:32:19the ring's fallen into him i've just seen him in his cabin surrounded by thousands of bottles the
00:32:23whole place smells like a brewery i knew it a secret drinker secret is blatant you'll have to take
00:32:27over the ship i can't can't you cure him i don't know let's have a look quick it's fine
00:32:47captain oh captain well hear that he's incoherent oh you'll have to take over the
00:32:52ship some of the officers why what have they done
00:33:06gentlemen gentlemen gentlemen please it's my painful duty to inform me that captain crowder
00:33:12is guilty of being drunk in charge of a liner as to his future well obviously that lies in hands
00:33:18other than mine all i can say for the moment is that by the law of the sea i hereby
00:33:22take command
00:33:23of this vessel in a climate like this this ought to be buried
00:33:31oh well one more go after the meeting
00:33:37that one i should have drunk there's very little i can do at this juncture but uh as soon as
00:33:43captain
00:33:44crowder or should i say x captain crowder has drunk himself into a state of complete insensibility
00:33:51i will confine him to sick quarters and then i'll do the best i can to salvage what i can
00:33:56from this
00:33:57sozzled wreck of the man gentlemen everybody here right let's get down to business what's the matter
00:34:03with you march banks
00:34:06Drunk, eh?
00:34:49It won't be fun.
00:34:50Perhaps not.
00:35:12Hello there, madam.
00:35:14It's the first time we've seen you in here.
00:35:16Oh, I don't really drink as a rule.
00:35:17But I've just been through such a shocking experience.
00:35:20Oh, and what do you think you'd like to get over it?
00:35:24That! Such an enigmatic label!
00:35:28Vodka? Neat?
00:35:29Oh, yes. I do like things tidy.
00:35:42Cheers!
00:35:43Hooray!
00:35:49Central heating all to myself.
00:35:51I'll have some more.
00:35:55Are you sure, madam?
00:35:56Oh, yes, yes.
00:35:58Fill her up again and two shots of red X.
00:36:05Oh, hello, girls.
00:36:06Hello, Miss Maddely.
00:36:08Champagne, please.
00:36:09Certainly, ma'am.
00:36:10Why, say, Flo, steady on. You're not used to champagne.
00:36:13Nonsense is just like cider with a French accent.
00:36:15Besides, I can drink anything.
00:36:17At our office party...
00:36:20Will you have one, Miss Maddely?
00:36:22She's just been on vodka.
00:36:23Oh, yes. I'm well in practice.
00:36:25Oh, thank you, my dear.
00:36:26Call me Bridget.
00:36:27Florence.
00:36:28No, dear.
00:36:29Bridget.
00:36:30I'm Florence.
00:36:31Oh, yes, Florence.
00:36:33I'm glad.
00:36:34So am I.
00:36:35Oh, well, now, that's all sorted out.
00:36:37Mud in your eye.
00:36:38Really?
00:36:39Oh, well, never mind.
00:36:40They say it's good for the skin.
00:36:44Tim.
00:36:46Tim.
00:36:46I could always put some brandy and brown sugar in it.
00:36:48That sounds good.
00:36:50Skip the brown sugar.
00:36:52Good idea.
00:37:02That's better.
00:37:03Oh, much better.
00:37:04Flo.
00:37:05Let's have something different.
00:37:07Mix it.
00:37:08Some of us can.
00:37:10Some of us can't.
00:37:13I'll buy this one.
00:37:14My pal.
00:37:15Bridget.
00:37:17That.
00:37:18Oh, lovely colour.
00:37:19Green chartres, madam?
00:37:21Yeah, to match my friend's complexion.
00:37:23Doubles.
00:37:24Flo.
00:37:25So much.
00:37:26Oh, not likely.
00:37:28I know a much better place.
00:37:30Oh, come on, Flo.
00:37:32My round, my round.
00:37:34Name it, Bridget.
00:37:36Flo, dear.
00:37:37Two Flo dears.
00:37:38Neat.
00:37:40I thought she met the name of a tree.
00:37:43Two Flo dears.
00:37:50Do you think I could possibly have that?
00:37:54Whiskey.
00:37:55Flo.
00:37:56Scotland forever.
00:37:58It's Irish.
00:37:59Up the Irish.
00:38:00We'll have both.
00:38:01No prejudice.
00:38:07Macbeth.
00:38:08Macfisheries.
00:38:14Begotta.
00:38:15And the...
00:38:16And the shalala and your arm.
00:38:20What a woman.
00:38:22Oh.
00:38:24Come on, Flo.
00:38:25Let's go home now.
00:38:27What?
00:38:28Swim all the way.
00:38:30No, I mean, give in.
00:38:32Let's leave.
00:38:32Never.
00:38:34Anything as she can booze.
00:38:35High come booze.
00:38:36Better.
00:38:37Who did that?
00:38:38Who did it?
00:38:39I'll go ten rounds with anyone in this bar.
00:38:41Pull them up.
00:38:43I'll be back.
00:38:44Soon as I've had a bit of fresh air, I'll be back.
00:38:47Line them up, Bridget, old girl, and I'll match you.
00:38:49Tit for tat.
00:38:51And, um, and top for top.
00:38:55I can walk.
00:38:57You know.
00:39:03Face to face with Sarcer Crippin.
00:39:07Yes, Miss Castle.
00:39:08Are you all right?
00:39:09You seem to think so.
00:39:10You asked me to dance with you, say, old girl.
00:39:13I've thought it over.
00:39:15Oh?
00:39:15I'd be charmed.
00:39:17I belong to Glasgow.
00:39:18Oh, dear old wangetone.
00:39:20I'm letting lady.
00:39:21I'm letting lady.
00:39:24I'm letting lady.
00:39:25I'm letting lady.
00:39:26I'm letting lady.
00:39:27I'm letting lady.
00:39:28I'm letting lady.
00:39:29Hold on.
00:39:32Whoops.
00:39:34So lovely.
00:39:36How come you haven't got a better job?
00:39:38Miss Castle, please.
00:39:40Well, I mean to say it.
00:39:42So does, so does elegance.
00:39:45And only a bust and spectra.
00:39:47Madam, this is the captain.
00:39:49And I'm just like a boy.
00:39:51You, you, you get off the buses, mate.
00:39:54Go to sea.
00:39:56You got that northern, nautical look you have.
00:40:00Lovely.
00:40:02You're just lovely.
00:40:05Oh, there you are.
00:40:11Oh, the ship's growing.
00:40:14Tell the captain.
00:40:15I am the captain.
00:40:17And I'm Toulouse Slowtrek.
00:40:20Anchors away.
00:40:22Come on, Flo.
00:40:23Lovely.
00:40:25Wait for me.
00:40:28Well, I mean, none of us can be blamed for that, sir.
00:40:31It's just a couple of ladies having a tidge too much of the old duty free.
00:40:35Yes, that's all.
00:40:37served by Mr. Turner, one of your quintet.
00:40:44Marchbanks.
00:40:46She danced with me.
00:40:47You don't preen yourself in.
00:40:49She had to be drunk first.
00:40:51Oh, yes, she did.
00:41:02I thought so.
00:41:15I thought so.
00:41:17Italy.
00:41:18Italy, sir.
00:41:18Italy.
00:41:19Ah, it's good to be back.
00:41:21Open the Chianti.
00:41:22Service, sir.
00:41:23Bella Marie.
00:41:27Bella Marie.
00:41:29Please come to me.
00:41:33Bella Marie.
00:41:39Bella Marie.
00:41:44Bella Marie.
00:41:57The captain's on his bridge. All's right with the world.
00:42:04What a secure feeling to be able to sleep soundly with a captain at the helm.
00:42:11Glad! Oh, Flo, what a shock to me, too. Glad, I've just realised I'm a woman.
00:42:21You always were, observant. Now can we get some sleep?
00:42:25A woman who needs a man, not a boy. A mature, responsible, dominant man.
00:42:34Like him. The captain?
00:42:37Glad. If only he'd show some interest in me, I'd...
00:42:42Aye, aye, sir. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.
00:42:47A man, no one was scaled.
00:42:54He was scaled.
00:42:59He was scaled...
00:43:14Whatever he had, buddy.
00:43:15OTHEM
00:43:23I can't be serious. He's old enough to be your father.
00:43:25That's what I need, a mature man, don't you understand?
00:43:27Yeah, you've got a dad fan.
00:43:28There he is.
00:43:30Oh, if he so much as looks at me, I'll...
00:43:31Let's go back then.
00:43:32Oh, no.
00:43:33Oh, Flo, for heaven's sake, don't make a spectacle of yourself.
00:43:35Come on.
00:43:36I can't move.
00:43:37In either direction.
00:43:39My knees have gone.
00:43:41My heart.
00:43:42My head. I feel awful.
00:43:44It must be love.
00:43:45It sounds more like a shallow sleep.
00:43:47Good morning, ladies.
00:43:48Good morning.
00:43:51What's the matter?
00:43:53Should I start on you?
00:43:54No, it's quite all right.
00:43:57Excuse me, I think I'd better go and have a look at the propeller shaft.
00:44:00Why? Are we flying the rest of the way?
00:44:03Excuse me.
00:44:06Glad.
00:44:07Oh, glad that you see him.
00:44:09My eyes weren't shut, I'm sorry to say.
00:44:29Don't do it.
00:44:35Do you mind?
00:44:42where are you going i thought i'd go off leave you alone come later what's the matter you've
00:44:48got water on the knee no never mind my knee so that'll mend but you you seem worried now maybe
00:44:52i can help mind you i'm not prying then don't no it's just that i do have a certain capacity
00:44:57for sorting out other people's problems on my last ship i was known as the fraud of the frozen north
00:45:02anyway if you don't wish to confide in me no no no they do say that two heads are better
00:45:06than one
00:45:07that's very true sir even if one of them is yours well charming moss banks man to man i'm going
00:45:11to
00:45:12tell you i have just done something i have never done before i made a lady scream very interesting
00:45:18how i said good morning should that have frightened her well come on you look as if ladies often scream
00:45:25at you flatterer you must have an electric sex appeal i have not there's another explanation
00:45:33what's that no i can't say come on tell me no why you'll be cross i will not be cross
00:45:39you promise
00:45:40of course i promise scouts honor now come on tell me why did she scream when i only looked at
00:45:43her
00:45:44that's it what's it your face my what scouts honor you said it my face your face suddenly zooming up
00:45:54at
00:45:56yeah that's it but this is terrifying this could drive a man to drink no just don't come upon any
00:46:02women very very suddenly that's all drink that's it drink much thanks well just a little one if you're
00:46:08insane now now now i know what to do is tree outside no there's a potted pile in the dining
00:46:12room
00:46:12well that's the answer yeah well you're gonna give her a pot of power oh shut up tree tree
00:46:16hurry tree
00:46:24glad i could never do that
00:46:32miss castle captain's compliments miss and could you spare him a few moments in his day cabin
00:46:36at once yes miss if you could
00:46:45yes head first into his arms glad it's the captain he sent for me i must have shaken him
00:46:51i tell you much banks i shook her i frightened her because i was rude to her when she was
00:46:56blasted
00:46:56poor girl wishy'd hurry up i have got to convince her that on a voyage of this time the captain
00:47:00is
00:47:00everybody's friend not a horrible ogre i'd say so go straight through miss your fairy godfather's
00:47:11waiting for you come in oh miss castle i'm sorry i interrupted your swim what's a swim compared with
00:47:21the tide of life yes uh will you sit down uh you'll forgive me if i'm very brief won't you
00:47:29miss castle
00:47:29to save time why not call me flo well why not it's more friendly in it and that's what i
00:47:34intend
00:47:34to be flo more friendly with me certainly uh flo what's your first name uh mine
00:47:44wellington mother frightened by a boot well no i think they expected me to be a soldier oh i'm glad
00:47:50give me a sailor every time a man could be more proud of his craft than his barracks
00:47:56yes quite yes quite uh it all boils down to this miss castle i don't want you to be frightened
00:48:01of
00:48:01me oh how sweet you are then you do understand perfectly wellington good but you're quite wrong
00:48:09you know i am oh yes i want to be just that little bit ever so scared of you what
00:48:14for it's what i need
00:48:16a sort of father figure do go on dad well i forgot what i'm going to say then let me
00:48:25say it for you
00:48:26all right then that look between us that was enough more than enough in that flash of time you saw
00:48:33my
00:48:33need and i saw the supplier a pure and perfect transaction across the shop counter of existence
00:48:38and yet you're worried aren't you wellington you can say that again worried about the difference in
00:48:42our ages well i'm not you know no no no i don't care if you're old lined going gray i
00:48:48prefer you
00:48:48that way yes wellington i want to do my packing in the bags under your eyes my dear little wellington
00:48:55bags miss folksle uh castle now look here flo you're blushing i'm melting it's wonderful
00:49:01you're so human mature and yet modest oh why have i wasted my time with mere boys wellington you
00:49:09who are my waterloo oh ever little well we've got to get to know each other stand back oh anything
00:49:16you say so masterful but relent for a moment kiss me you naughty girl am i well if you catch
00:49:28me you can
00:49:41respect me
00:49:42who are you march bank sir is she gone yeah
00:49:44there seemed to be some crossing of purposes sir i took the liberty of explaining to miss castle and
00:49:51somewhat red face she's departed well done oh who did you say was frightened of whom sir
00:50:10good morning madam i see by your hat you've been to mecca
00:50:17you're tea madam why don't you feed the camel he looks hungry i guess i will certainly i'd rather
00:50:25not discuss the sewers canal me neither very well i'd love to meet your four wives yes
00:50:52good morning sir nice new day nice new start you watch me zip through the paperwork why now hey i'm
00:50:58gonna find out what makes you tick tick sir psychologically speaking i don't understand
00:51:01angel well that makes us even because i don't understand you you mug adore me inside you march
00:51:07banks you must be a writhing mass of complexes egos ids and all that gear a captain has to understand
00:51:11these men and that is why i am going to psychoanalyze you this bloke freud knew what he was talking
00:51:15about on the other hand i'm not a young man well as long as you're young at heart what are
00:51:21you talking
00:51:21about you see there you go again flying off at a tangent couch couch not crouch you fool get over
00:51:26there terribly sorry all right now then talk well talk what anything anything you like that's how
00:51:31they do this psycho malarkey i feel silly don't look silly i do you don't i know i do i
00:51:36swear you
00:51:37don't oh what do i look like then lovely languid like a lily now come on talk that's very vivid
00:51:44what is that phrase you used languid as a lily is it yes are you interested in flowers oh yes
00:51:52do you
00:51:53enjoy gardening very much you've got a nice garden at home do you envy the horticultural society you
00:51:59belong to many societies quite a few gregarious eh no tourists oh interested in astrology too
00:52:06yes sit down oh thanks now quickly what does this make you think of the bull horns horns oh hang
00:52:13on
00:52:14them horns of a dilemma for example how did you know yes put your feet up we are getting somewhere
00:52:21we
00:52:21are not look mate i'm supposed to be doing you captain don't quibble please horns of a dilemma that's it
00:52:26that's your analysis you see everything as a dilemma you see everything as a problem that's very true
00:52:32because of your deep-rooted inferiority complex well i don't feel inferior and of course you
00:52:36don't it's all in your axe my what your axe so are you no you see yes you're unconscious you
00:52:41are
00:52:42supposed to be an idiot not me how do i get down here it's always something of a shock when
00:52:47illusions
00:52:48disperse but don't worry now that you know your own problems you'll get rid of this idea that
00:52:52everyone's persecuting you i will yeah you sure of course i forget this fear of new faces new faces can
00:52:58be just as efficient as the old faces just as efficient well done much thanks you might
00:53:06feel much better thank you very much that's it so much better already that's the spirit
00:53:10i know successful oh good morning captain morning dr vinn you're a new face aren't you oh it's the same
00:53:17one sir yeah but you've got to remember that a new face is just as efficient as an old one
00:53:21well done
00:53:35very good
00:53:37well nil return eh never know such a bunch of healthy people what do you want an epidemic oh
00:53:42of course not no it's just i don't know what to do with myself well you can help me out
00:53:45with this
00:53:45load of rubbish oh i'm too tense well relax can't relax i'll take a run around the deck right off
00:53:49exercise well so lie down oh i'm too restless read a book i can't concentrate write a book oh please
00:53:56i've got to live before you can write a book no one can say he's lived until he's loved well
00:54:00go out
00:54:00and love someone i do her who her what do you mean who her miss castle miss carl oh miss
00:54:09castle
00:54:10have you told her no you know me i'm i'm too shy here i could cable her oh why not
00:54:15semaphore
00:54:16arthur you've got to declare yourself openly otherwise you'll stay right where you are right
00:54:20up an impasse hmm oh oh i see yes you mean speak to her yes straight from the shoulder to
00:54:25the point
00:54:25of dislocation oh i'll die if i did that at least that'll put you out of your misery you've no
00:54:30sympathy of course i have what do you expect me to do go out and tell her for you oh
00:54:33would you do
00:54:33that who do you think i am sir ronald at bergerac who's he would he tell her then what cabin's
00:54:37he
00:54:37in what taxi on come on take me to it no no no no no no please you've got me
00:54:42all worked up about
00:54:43this i'm frankly sorry i'm sure yes oh don't apologize i'm not angry at all you've done me a
00:54:46very good turn yes in this mood of self-realization of of merciless self-determination i think i could do
00:54:54it you know you could yes i think i could overcome my timidity your time over come my timidity i
00:55:00mean
00:55:00i could yes i could go right up to her now and i could i could speak to her bravo
00:55:07thank you not
00:55:09at all i'll be indebted to you for the rest of my life now is the time think only of
00:55:14now oh you're
00:55:16right good luck thank you bye-bye you're always leaving that thing lying around it's worse than a
00:55:32pair of gloves why don't you leave it in the cabin just a minute somebody might have kicked it let's
00:55:37see if it's still working it's simple of course nothing to it all these years of shyness oh it's
00:55:43ridiculous just go right up to her and say miss castle i have something to tell you i am a
00:55:49plain
00:55:50simple man miss castle i have plain simple feelings and i use plain simple words and i simply have to
00:55:55let you know uh plainly that i that i that i slainly and pimply want cool
00:56:05point it towards italy well which way is that i don't know wave it about a bit
00:56:18oh flo isn't that romantic just dishes
00:56:26why can't englishmen sing to us about love instead of dragging us off to ragamaches
00:56:31mm-hmm listen i couldn't resist any man who'd sing to me like that
00:56:57good day madam be careful of knock-up while awaiting your partner oh i haven't got it
00:57:02oh yes officer thank you but i'm not very good at the game oh it's quite easy just be careful
00:57:08not to
00:57:08pong instead of thing gently to begin eh if you please
00:57:19i'm terribly sorry most unfortunate
00:57:24beginner's luck try your luck on this
00:57:34oh clever do it again oh i'm terribly sorry captain no sir dear i mean
00:57:44not my day
00:58:03oh
00:58:14and this is it
00:58:18north africa tomorrow yes
00:58:21maybe i'll get my name on the short list for a hurry you're not still worrying about romance are you
00:58:27frankly i'm past worrying i'm too tired for one thing
00:58:32here let's go to bed okay want to be fresh for north africa tomorrow yes will north africa be fresh
00:58:39for
00:59:06us
00:59:07Oh, perfect. Just right for some soft serenading outside her cabin.
00:59:12Here we go. Much better. I'll do it here.
00:59:23Bella Marie.
00:59:28Bella Marie.
00:59:32Bella Marie.
00:59:37Please come to me.
00:59:43How can words explain to you the love I try to give?
00:59:53You're the sun, the wind, the rain, the reason I must live only for you.
01:00:07Oh, please love me too.
01:00:12Oh, Bella Flo.
01:00:16Oh, Bella Flo.
01:00:21I need you so.
01:00:27Please let's have a...
01:00:29I love you so.
01:00:33Oh, Bella Flo.
01:00:35Oh, my Bella Flo.
01:00:42Oh, I love you so.
01:00:45Oh, please don't say no.
01:00:53Please don't say no.
01:00:57Please don't say no.
01:01:01Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:01:21Faden.
01:01:33I'm wasting time.
01:01:52North Africa at last.
01:01:53Thought we'd never get here.
01:01:54Shop!
01:02:00Sam, old chef, what have I been drinking for the last couple of days?
01:02:04Well, you asked for something characteristically Arabic, sir, and this is it.
01:02:08Drunk by everybody round these parts and distilled on the banks of the Nile.
01:02:23Cook, he must be dreadfully ill.
01:02:26Wouldn't think he'd that much stomach to gurgle with.
01:02:28You get the doctor, I'll see what's wrong.
01:02:29Yes, sir.
01:02:32Here, cop this for a souvenir, eh, Captain?
01:02:36What are you trying to do?
01:02:38Do you mind?
01:02:39There's much better than filter tips.
01:02:41Can I only taste the smoke at all?
01:02:43I'm not surprised.
01:02:44You're not supposed to blow it.
01:02:45What then?
01:02:46Suck it and see.
01:02:52It's much better the other way.
01:02:56I beg your pardon?
01:03:00Perhaps it's not shake, you, sheik.
01:03:02I'm not shake and shake.
01:03:03I've had the sugar sheath of my Chinese.
01:03:05Oh, oh, oh, sheik.
01:03:07Oh, oh.
01:03:37Thank you very much.
01:03:44Oh, show me.
01:03:49All we need here is a couple of sheiks and a camel.
01:03:56Flo.
01:03:57What, dear?
01:03:58We're on our way home.
01:04:00I know.
01:04:01Bizzy, isn't it?
01:04:02Just getting warmed up to this cruise-like.
01:04:06You don't hold it against me.
01:04:07Hold what, dear?
01:04:08Not finding a husband.
01:04:10Oh, that.
01:04:12Your idea was okay, lovey.
01:04:13It was me that put the mockers on it.
01:04:16Anyway, I've forgotten all about men for a while.
01:04:18They are completely out of my mind.
01:04:21Oh, dear.
01:04:22She'll have to take it to the doctor now.
01:04:24The cleaner, I mean.
01:04:26Oh, yes.
01:04:35There are times when I wish that I was running a holiday camp.
01:04:39Because in that kind of establishment, I could at least occasionally escape from you lot by walking out of the
01:04:43gate.
01:04:45Here, I can only jump overboard.
01:04:46And believe me, there are times when I felt like it.
01:04:50But not now, gentlemen.
01:04:53Praise where praise is due.
01:04:55Praise for us, sir?
01:04:58Surprised, eh?
01:04:59That's exactly how praise should strike you.
01:05:01Ever since our last little meeting, you've all stopped trying to impress me and you've got on with your jobs.
01:05:06Result, you have impressed me.
01:05:08I have impressed you, sir?
01:05:10Certainly.
01:05:11When you played table tennis with that mad pixie, the lonely little lady.
01:05:15Of course, you did muck it up a bit.
01:05:20That's the spirit, you see.
01:05:21Concern about the passenger's happiness.
01:05:23And you, Turner.
01:05:24Don't think I didn't notice that you gave up your shore leave in order to serve a certain gentleman?
01:05:27That's also the spirit.
01:05:29But, Captain, how can I possibly have merited your praise?
01:05:31I mean, I've had nothing to do.
01:05:34Ah, you, Dr. Bint, you have achieved self-effacement.
01:05:37Oh?
01:05:38I felt no pain, sir.
01:05:40You will in a minute.
01:05:42On a holiday cruise, the passengers don't want to see the ship's doctor prowling about giving everybody the undertaker's look.
01:05:47Do they?
01:05:47Oh, no, no, no.
01:05:49Well, you did the right thing.
01:05:50You kept yourself to yourself.
01:05:52So that's just because I...
01:05:54Go on, go on, yes, go on.
01:05:56What did I do, then?
01:05:57The lady in cabin 73.
01:05:59It's a lie.
01:06:00Don't be so modest, Aynes.
01:06:01I know all about that diet you fixed up for her and the fact that you've been cooking her meals
01:06:05yourself.
01:06:05Oh, that.
01:06:06Oh, you mean Fanny Fusspot, the calorie queen.
01:06:09Oh, with no trouble, you know.
01:06:11Quite stimulating playing around with their proteins.
01:06:13Yes.
01:06:14Well, none of this means, of course, that I can possibly consider any of you for the new liner.
01:06:17But you just continue going on as you have been for the last few days,
01:06:20and I might recommend you to my successor of the happy wanderer.
01:06:23Thank you, gentlemen, that's all.
01:06:24Thank you, sir.
01:06:25Thank you, sir.
01:06:26Aye, aye, sir.
01:06:29Well, he's a fine man.
01:06:30Oh, he's very fair, I think, isn't he?
01:06:31Crisp on top, soft underneath.
01:06:33A regular meringue.
01:06:34Yep.
01:06:35Best boss I ever worked for on land, all sea.
01:06:37I wish I could think of something I could do for him.
01:06:39Ah!
01:06:39Don't do that.
01:06:40I'm all of a quiver as it is.
01:06:42I've just realized I can do something for him.
01:06:44Excuse me.
01:06:44Let's think of something we can do to show our appreciation.
01:06:47I mean, it wouldn't be like sucking up, would it?
01:06:48I mean, after all, he did tell us fair and square that we didn't stand an earthly of getting on
01:06:51that liner.
01:06:52Yeah, but he did give us praise.
01:06:53Well, it was due.
01:06:54Fine man.
01:06:55Oh, he's a regular cream bun, was it?
01:06:56Meringue.
01:06:57That's right, meringue bun.
01:06:58God, I wish we could think of something we could do for him.
01:07:00Well, that'd be quick thinking, gentlemen.
01:07:01There's only two days left.
01:07:02Yes, you're right.
01:07:03Mr. Marstrands.
01:07:04Oh, yes, miss.
01:07:06Where can we be alone?
01:07:07Eh?
01:07:07Oh, quick, there's only two days left.
01:07:09For what?
01:07:09Come on.
01:07:10Yeah, I know.
01:07:23That's better.
01:07:24Nobody can hear us here.
01:07:25Why shouldn't they hear us, miss?
01:07:27Because what I have to tell you is rather delicate.
01:07:30Oh, well, naturally, if I can help you in any way.
01:07:32Well, the plain fact is, my friend's in love.
01:07:35How nice.
01:07:36Well, it isn't.
01:07:37You see, she doesn't really know she's in love.
01:07:39But I know and I want to help her by getting the man in question to approach her.
01:07:43And how do I come into all this?
01:08:13You know him very well.
01:08:14Were you that?
01:08:15No, you did.
01:08:16I did.
01:08:17Well, if you didn't, just who on earth have we been discussing?
01:08:20Dr. Benn.
01:08:21Dr.
01:08:22Dr. Benn.
01:08:24She's in love with him.
01:08:25Well, didn't I just say that?
01:08:26Oh, well, yes, in a roundabout way.
01:08:29We must think of some rules, some stratagem, whereby they can come together.
01:08:35I've got it.
01:08:36Oh, you haven't, Mr. Marchpence.
01:08:37You'll have to work it.
01:08:39Yes.
01:08:42Surely we can think of something nice to do for the captain.
01:08:44I know, I've got it.
01:08:46How about a nice clock with a brass plate on it?
01:08:48Well, can't do that.
01:08:49Not retiring.
01:08:51Anyway, where would you get a clock from in the middle of the ocean?
01:08:53Ship shop.
01:08:54Say that again.
01:08:56Ship shop.
01:08:57The minute we get back, you want to see a dentist.
01:08:59Oh, sure.
01:09:08Well, here goes, all for Flo.
01:09:20Doctor.
01:09:22Doctor!
01:09:30Don't worry.
01:09:31No, no, no, no, no.
01:10:12No harm done.
01:10:13Thank goodness.
01:10:20It is you.
01:10:23Oh, it was you.
01:10:25What was me?
01:10:26I saw you.
01:10:27I had to lean on the rail for support.
01:10:30Pardon?
01:10:31I could feel your eyes burning into my back.
01:10:35Oh, that scorching look.
01:10:38It was like sunstroke.
01:10:40And then I turned, saw you again, and that was it.
01:10:44I went.
01:10:45Where did you go?
01:10:46Into a dead faint, didn't you see?
01:10:48Oh, yes, of course.
01:10:49Yes, very distressing.
01:10:52And how long have you been suffering these attacks?
01:10:54Since I first saw you.
01:10:56Oh, come on.
01:10:57Let's leave me out of it, Johnny.
01:10:59I can't.
01:11:00You are it.
01:11:01You are all.
01:11:03You are the germ, the symptom, the sickness, and the cure.
01:11:09Oh, Doctor.
01:11:13I'm afraid you must be a little overwrought, miss.
01:11:15No, I'm not.
01:11:16I'm underprivileged.
01:11:18I'm afraid I don't really follow you.
01:11:22Doctor.
01:11:23Oh?
01:11:25You are aware of me, aren't you?
01:11:29I'm very difficult to ignore you.
01:11:31How would you find me?
01:11:34Oh.
01:11:36I just look straight ahead, and there you are.
01:11:39Do I repel you?
01:11:40No, no, of course you don't, no.
01:11:42Then all the rest will come in time.
01:11:43Yes, of course it will.
01:11:44What do you mean?
01:11:46This.
01:11:53Gladys Trimble, how do you do?
01:11:54Oh, I do.
01:11:55How have you been?
01:11:56I mean, been.
01:11:56How do you do?
01:11:57I confuse you.
01:11:59Yes, you don't.
01:12:00I mean, you do.
01:12:01And yet you didn't sound confused when you sang to me the other night.
01:12:08I sang to you?
01:12:10Who else?
01:12:11Well, I...
01:12:12Oh, come, come, Doctor.
01:12:13It must have been me.
01:12:14Oh, look, I was not serenading you.
01:12:18I say, I seem to have made the most dreadful mistake.
01:12:21Yes, I'm afraid you have.
01:12:24I was only trying to help you over your shyness.
01:12:26Oh, I'm not shy.
01:12:28Prove it.
01:12:29Hmm?
01:12:29Prove you're not shy.
01:12:30How?
01:12:31I don't know.
01:12:33Do something.
01:12:35Yes.
01:12:36All right.
01:12:37I will.
01:12:39Where is she?
01:12:47Uh, cigarette?
01:12:48No, thank you, I won't.
01:12:49You mind if I do?
01:12:50No, I have to walk.
01:12:51That's how I enjoy these cruises.
01:12:52Excuse me, will you, Doctor?
01:12:53Yes.
01:12:54Ah, yes, I thought so.
01:12:56Huh?
01:12:56You're going a bit blotchy around here.
01:12:57Really?
01:12:57Yes, I've noticed this coming on over the past few days, you know.
01:12:59Oh.
01:12:59Yes, it's probably very highly infectious.
01:13:01Oh, really?
01:13:01Yes, it's just a change of food, you know, the change of climate and all.
01:13:04Nothing to worry about, of course.
01:13:05You'll live.
01:13:07Providing I give you instant treatment, of course.
01:13:09Yes, so would you mind popping down to the treatment cabin quickly as possible?
01:13:11Of course I am.
01:13:12And don't, uh, don't touch anybody.
01:13:16May I?
01:13:17What about that young man?
01:13:19Oh.
01:13:20Don't worry about him.
01:13:20Let him get another deck, chap.
01:13:21That young man, is he ill?
01:13:23No, no, no.
01:13:24Well, then why are you...
01:13:25Preventive medicine.
01:13:26I don't understand.
01:13:27You will, if you listen.
01:13:27I'm not interested in preventive medicine.
01:13:29Will you please listen?
01:13:30What is this?
01:13:31I have something to declare.
01:13:32Well, wait till we get to customs.
01:13:34Oh, listen, please, I'm not like that.
01:13:36I'm pure.
01:13:37Pure of what?
01:13:39There's not many like me left, you know.
01:13:41I'm glad to hear it.
01:13:43Look, please, if we're going to spend the rest of our lives together, you must learn not to interrupt.
01:13:48The rest of our lives?
01:13:49Yes.
01:13:50For better or for worse.
01:13:51And so on and so forth.
01:13:53You mean marriage?
01:13:55Of course.
01:13:55I know of no respectable alternative.
01:13:58You've got a nerve.
01:14:00I've got several of them.
01:14:02They're all functioning normally.
01:14:04Do you realize what you've said?
01:14:07I should do.
01:14:08It's pounded in my brain often enough, asleep and awake, in the drowsy fantasy moment of every lonely dawn.
01:14:14Well, come on.
01:14:16What's your answer?
01:14:17You've taken my breath away.
01:14:19Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
01:14:20Would you mind standing up, please?
01:14:21Thank you very much.
01:14:22Breathe in deeply.
01:14:24Out again.
01:14:25In.
01:14:26Try a bit further.
01:14:27Out.
01:14:29Well, is that better?
01:14:30You'll feel better in a moment now.
01:14:31I feel dizzy.
01:14:32Oh, sit down.
01:14:34It's just the sudden realization, you see, of the fact that I love you.
01:14:40Do you?
01:14:41Yeah.
01:14:42Oh.
01:14:43Haven't I said so?
01:14:44Not in so many words.
01:14:46Shall I?
01:14:48Yes, please.
01:14:49What?
01:14:51I love you.
01:14:53Oh.
01:14:54No.
01:14:54Ah.
01:14:55What about that, then?
01:14:57And how about you?
01:14:58How about me?
01:15:00Do you think that you can come to love me?
01:15:02Well, I...
01:15:04I suppose I could do worse.
01:15:08Coo.
01:15:09Ah!
01:15:20Turned out nice again.
01:15:21Has it?
01:15:23Mr. Haynes!
01:15:24Mr. Haynes!
01:15:24Where is the idiot?
01:15:26Mr....
01:15:26Here.
01:15:27Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
01:15:28Do you know what day it is today?
01:15:29Well, not daft.
01:15:30It's Thursday.
01:15:31Yes, it's providential.
01:15:32No, it's not.
01:15:32It's Thursday.
01:15:33No, listen.
01:15:34Exactly ten years ago, to this day,
01:15:36Captain Crowther took command of the Happy Wanderer.
01:15:38I only found it out by accident.
01:15:40I looked it up in some old logbook.
01:15:41I'm not with you.
01:15:42Yes, you are.
01:15:43Have you got some private little place
01:15:45where you could make a cake?
01:15:47A cake?
01:15:48A cake.
01:15:49An anniversary cake?
01:15:50An anniversary cake.
01:15:52Of course.
01:15:53I knew I'd think of something.
01:15:54You knew you'd think of...
01:15:56Yeah, it's all right.
01:15:57Well, to work, then.
01:15:58And remember, the utmost secrecy.
01:16:00No one will see me handle as much as a nut.
01:16:02The success of this operation
01:16:03will depend entirely on your culinary expertise.
01:16:06Well, I don't know much about that.
01:16:07But I can cook.
01:16:09We understand each other.
01:16:10With some difficulty.
01:16:11But we do understand each other.
01:16:12Till tonight.
01:16:14Tonight.
01:16:14With a cake to stagger humanity.
01:16:35Maddy, we're arranging a party.
01:16:36It's supposed to be a secret.
01:16:40What if the captain should hear?
01:16:42You shouldn't have told me.
01:16:43I get so excited.
01:16:44I can't keep secrets.
01:16:45Oh, what a lovely idea.
01:16:48So thoughtful and tender.
01:16:50Just the sort of thing that makes me feel really happy.
01:16:54Oh, so happy.
01:16:56Miss Maddy.
01:16:56Miss Maddy.
01:16:57Pull yourself together.
01:16:58It's only a little party.
01:17:00Don't say that.
01:17:01It's a secret.
01:17:03Suppose the captain.
01:17:04Oh, the captain.
01:17:06The dearly devoted captain.
01:17:09Hello, hello.
01:17:10What is a foot?
01:17:11That peculiar shaped thing on the end of your leg.
01:17:17Keep taking the tablets.
01:17:19Excuse me.
01:17:29Miss Maddy.
01:17:32What's wrong?
01:17:32You are nothing.
01:17:35Hello.
01:17:35Goodbye.
01:17:37Ah, handmade.
01:17:39Nothing like it.
01:17:43Hmm.
01:17:45Hmm.
01:17:46Well made.
01:17:48But not yet created.
01:17:50This needs the Hanes a touch.
01:17:54They don't need that, I don't think.
01:17:57Here we go.
01:17:58Espanola cherry.
01:18:00Gracias.
01:18:03Hmm.
01:18:04Blimey.
01:18:05Smells like a Babylonian boozer's bedroom.
01:18:07What?
01:18:08Can't I put too much sherry in?
01:18:10It's not like me at all.
01:18:11Well, we'll soon see.
01:18:16Too much sherry in?
01:18:18Ah, now what?
01:18:19Counteraction.
01:18:20Yes, cream of course.
01:18:22Yes, only glorious Devon cream can save the day.
01:18:26Glorious dip.
01:18:27What an idea.
01:18:30An international cake.
01:18:32Just the thing for a madness anniversary.
01:18:35And apart from that, a good turmoil of ingredients will give it flavoring.
01:18:38Yes, flavoring.
01:18:40Ha, ha.
01:18:42Right, we'll start with the grated coconut from the South Seas.
01:18:46Grated coconut.
01:18:47And then bunby duck.
01:18:49Only way from bunby.
01:18:50A little bit of bunby duck.
01:18:52Thank you very much.
01:18:53And a little Californian prunes.
01:19:01Yes, last but not least.
01:19:03River spaghetti.
01:19:05No wonder.
01:19:06Yes.
01:19:07River voce for that matter.
01:19:08No wonder they say Mr. Haynes affects her pains.
01:19:16Who?
01:19:17Me.
01:19:18You.
01:19:18I.
01:19:19Come.
01:19:21Haynes, I'm thrilled.
01:19:23Oh, Haynes, I'm engaged.
01:19:26Well, no need to ask how you're getting on, Mr. Haynes.
01:19:29Or him.
01:19:29Congratulations.
01:19:30Here, I hope you'll allow me to cook the cake for your wedding.
01:19:34What?
01:19:34Something's got spaghetti in it.
01:19:36Oh, chop suey.
01:19:38Hey, poor bicarbonate of soda.
01:19:40And why not?
01:19:43My dear Wilfred, you don't mean that all that stuff is in the cake you're now baking.
01:19:47I repeat, why not?
01:19:50It's incredible.
01:19:51It's inedible.
01:19:52Out of my kitchen.
01:19:54Do I tell you where to, Doctor?
01:19:55Do I tell you where to run the ship?
01:19:56Do I tell you where to get engaged?
01:19:58Well, then, don't tell me how to cook.
01:19:59You wait.
01:20:00You'll eat it.
01:20:01Then you'll see.
01:20:03This is a historic moment for English cooking.
01:20:06England expects this day every man to have a nibble.
01:20:14Sir, sir, there's something going on in the bar.
01:20:16There usually is.
01:20:18Will you come at once, sir?
01:20:19What's the matter with you?
01:20:20If it's anything medical, then it's your job to deal with.
01:20:22If it's anything else, I've got an entire staff of officers.
01:20:24Oh, do come quickly, sir, please.
01:20:25This is something that only you can deal with, sir.
01:20:27Well, what is it?
01:20:27Will you come with me, sir, please?
01:20:28Yeah, yeah.
01:20:29All right.
01:20:30All right.
01:20:48Mr. Marshling, sir.
01:20:50For the captain.
01:21:01An Aberdeen Angus.
01:21:03You clever boy.
01:21:04That's right, sir.
01:21:05I cabled Angus for the recipe.
01:21:06Initiative.
01:21:07Twelve days late, but initiative.
01:21:10The cake, sir.
01:21:12How beautiful.
01:21:13Looks almost too good to eat.
01:21:14Doesn't it?
01:21:15Doesn't it?
01:21:16Oh, it's much too good to eat.
01:21:20Thank you, Ains.
01:21:26It's great.
01:21:29It reminds me of everywhere I've ever been.
01:21:32Including Port Side.
01:21:43Speech, speech, speech.
01:21:45Speech, speech.
01:21:47Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for this very gratifying party.
01:21:50Now, you seem...
01:21:52Spaghetti.
01:21:54You seem to like traveling with me, and I certainly like traveling with you.
01:21:56I'm afraid...
01:21:59Prunes.
01:22:01I'm afraid that this speech really isn't very much in response to your generosity, but
01:22:04I...
01:22:06Chop Suey.
01:22:09But there isn't anything else I can say except...
01:22:11Thank you very much.
01:22:13Bell's head.
01:22:13Thank you, Alan.
01:22:14I'm going to smile, everyone.
01:22:16It's my turn.
01:22:18Ladies and gentlemen.
01:22:21Captain.
01:22:22On behalf of all us happy wanderers, and Clarky, I've learned some happy wandering on this
01:22:29ship in mid-time, jolly good luck, and may we all have the pleasure of sailing with you
01:22:35for many years to come.
01:22:38My condolences, sir.
01:22:39What for?
01:22:40Well, it appears you didn't get command of the transatlantic round.
01:22:42I did, but I don't want it.
01:22:45Ladies and gentlemen, please.
01:22:49Now, I'm not very good at making speeches, as you've already heard.
01:22:52Here, here, sir.
01:22:54But I do know the difference between just ferrying passengers and running a cruise.
01:22:58Now, there's a good feeling about looking after people who are out to enjoy themselves.
01:23:02I mean, after all, when we're on a trip like this, we're all in the same boat.
01:23:07So what else can I do but carry on cruising?
01:23:10Any questions?
01:23:11Oh, yes, sir.
01:23:12Will you marry me?
01:23:15Oh, no, no, no, I don't mean, I mean us.
01:23:18Oh, yeah.
01:23:19Yeah.
01:23:19Congratulations.
01:23:21Congratulations.
01:23:22Jonah, champagne.
01:23:25Doctor, doctor.
01:23:26Hey, what is it?
01:23:26Ceci.
01:23:27Well, what is that?
01:23:27The captain's cake.
01:23:29Was it the chop suey?
01:23:30In the Bombay dump?
01:23:31Oh.
01:23:31I know exactly how you feel.
01:23:32All right.
01:23:33I'll give you an injection.
01:23:34No, please not again.
01:23:35Well, I'll get you one of those special tablets.
01:23:36Wait there.
01:23:36Huh?
01:23:37Huh?
01:23:40Ah!
01:23:41Ah!
01:23:42Ah!
01:23:42Ah!
01:23:43Ah!
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