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04:15it. That's ducks, Colin. You could do what poachers do to catch pheasants. What? Poachers
04:20get corn, soak it in alcohol, and then they eat it. How does that help them catch pheasants?
04:27The pheasants eat the corn, Colin, not the poachers. Then they fall off the branch and
04:32you just pick them up off the ground. Right, Laura, we'll try that then.
04:41Oh, that's for Ben, is it, Carol? Yes, it's rather nice, isn't it? Yes. He can't see it
04:47from there, can he? Oh, no, no, no. He's safely tucked up in his little drawer, but I think
04:51he likes the sound. Yes. Carol, you sure it's wise to keep him shut up like that all day,
04:57are you? Oh, yes, Mrs. British. I used to leave it open a little crack, but he just tried to
05:01get out. So now you keep it closed? Yes, he doesn't seem to mind. He's very quiet.
05:08Yes. Most animals go quiet in the dark, Carol. That's why they put covers over parrots, but
05:13I think if you want him to develop normally, he ought to have space and light. You think
05:19so? Oh, yes, yes, I do. I mean, I could be wrong. Ah, there you are, my darling, with you
05:25in a minute. Sometimes I wish I had a little drawer I could crawl into. Right, Colin, that's
05:31clear, is it? Yes, Mrs. Bidust. Just, um, where do I buy drugged corn? Just buy some
05:36ordinary corn, Colin, and mix it with, say, half a bottle of vodka. All right? Don't
05:41forget the receipt. Now then, my love. Mrs. I got your message, Gordon. Is there anything
05:47wrong? No, no, nothing at all. No, no, no, no, no. I just wanted to give you this.
05:52Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.
05:56Happy birthday, Mrs. Gordon. They're kitchen scissors. They were just a token,
06:00my love, in case the real thing didn't arrive. Here. Gordon? The other end's out in the
06:10car park. Go on, have a look. I've just got to change my jacket. Oh, Gordon.
06:31Excuse me. Sorry, what are you doing? This is my car. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
06:53Well, what do you think? It's a moped. You were always saying how much you hated having
07:00to ask for the car and booking it out on the kitchen chart. Well, never again, my lovely.
07:06No. 125 miles to the gallon, and you can do all your own servicing. Well, I don't know what to
07:16say,
07:16Gordon. There's nothing to say, my lovely. Just enjoy it. Want to try it now? Oh, I haven't got a
07:23helmet. I think it's illegal without a helmet, isn't it? Ta-da! Right, away we go. Just turn the pedals
07:35and let go of the little lever. Simple as one, two, three. There they, girl. Come on, put a bit
07:47of weight
07:48into it. Did I tell her about turning on the petrol? I've got the figures you asked for, Mr. British.
08:03Ah, thank you, Julie. This is what the inspector wants to know, is it? How many people come to the
08:08centre
08:08every day, that sort of thing. Yes. Depressing, isn't it? The question we have to ask, though, Julie, is do
08:16we have
08:17to show them like this? How do you mean? I mean, totally in attendances for each day. It does rather
08:22emphasise the occasional nought, doesn't it? Could we show them weekly or even monthly? You could show
08:27them annually, Mr. British, and you still barely make it to double figures. Numbers aren't everything
08:32in this game, Julie. I'm sure our inspector will be able to look behind the numbers to see the real
08:36heart and soul of the place. Yeah. Um, I looked him up. It is the one they had at Bedford.
08:44It's no good, Mr. British. It won't eat the corn. What? It just doesn't seem to be hungrier. I think
08:50it's all those flies it ate. And it's still... I mean, everywhere. All right, Colin, all right. We'll just
08:57have to think of something else. Him and Gavin have had an idea. Oh, yes? What, it was Gavin's idea,
09:02really? Yeah, well, you know the trouble they had with sparrows at the Great Exhibition in 1851?
09:08Not intimately, Gavin, no. They asked the Duke of Wellington how to get rid of the birds, and he said
09:14hawks. Hawks? You know, bigger birds. Gavin, that is without doubt the stupidest idea, I think. Where are we
09:21going to find a hawk from? Well, that's the other thing. I have a friend who breeds eagles for Arabs.
09:26And you think he'd lend us one? Oh, I think if Timmy asked him, he'd do anything.
09:35All right, Colin, we'll go for it.
09:39It'll be Carol.
09:43Gosh, you were caught in the storm, weren't you, Mrs. Brittus?
09:46Yes, yes, I was. Laura, do you think you could give this to my husband for me?
09:50Oh, I'm sure he won't be long. You'd want to see him yourself.
09:52No, no, no, it's all right. It's just to say I'm taking the car. I'm going away for a few
09:56days.
09:57Oh. Where are you off to?
10:00I'm not sure. I just thought I'd better tell him.
10:04He doesn't know. Well, he will when he reads this. That's where I've written a letter.
10:09Is everything all right? Yes, yes, it's fine. It's fine.
10:16It's my birthday. I couldn't pull me a moped.
10:23A what?
10:24A moped. He said for ages he was going to buy me some sort of transport of my own.
10:30And today he gave it to me and it was a moped.
10:35Oh, dear.
10:36There were these big trousers with a plastic coat and this helmet.
10:43Hi, I'm Helen.
10:45He thought it would help me to meet people in the traffic.
10:49He called it spreading sunshine.
10:52Helen, I'm sure he didn't mean any harm.
10:55No, no, he never does.
10:57It's just, it's just, it came on top of everything else and I, I just don't want it to happen
11:01again.
11:04You're leaving him, aren't you?
11:06No, no, I, I just, I just wanted to find my own space and, and it, oh, just give him
11:12the letter, will you, Laura?
11:13Oh, yes, of course.
11:15Yes, thanks.
11:17Bye.
11:25He's still doing it.
11:26How can you get that much out of one bird?
11:29I'll get on with it, shall I?
11:30We'd be extremely grateful, Mr. Wheelmott.
11:33It's not just a health hazard, you understand.
11:36We have an important visitor due here shortly.
11:39That's it.
11:40There we are.
11:41Here we go in.
11:43That's it.
11:45This is Titan, is he?
11:47That's right.
11:48He's big, isn't he?
11:50Just stand back, please.
11:53Oh, Titan.
12:00His eyesight's not up to much, is it?
12:02The pigeon's up there.
12:04We don't understand it.
12:07I think he's eating the corn, Mr. Wheelmott.
12:10What are you talking about, Colin?
12:11It's the drugged corn you made us put down for the pigeon, Mr. Britlass.
12:14That eagle's eating it.
12:16Drugged corn?
12:18Titan!
12:26How much of a corn did it eat, Colin?
12:28All of it comes to Britlass.
12:31I don't use too much to worry about, Gilbert.
12:34A little drop of alcohol is not going to harm a bird that size, eh?
12:50Still tidying up, Carol?
12:52More rearranging, really.
12:53It was Mrs. Britcess' idea.
12:55She said little Ben needed more space and light.
12:58Oh, good.
12:59So I've put him in a bigger drawer.
13:01I've fixed the light bulb,
13:03and I've got out lots of little pictures from a magazine for him to look at.
13:07Well, be careful, won't you?
13:09Why?
13:09Light bulb in a confined space gets very warm.
13:13Can it?
13:15A straw box and a 100-watt bulb.
13:17That's how my mum used to cook the turkey.
13:26Excuse me.
13:28Welcome to Ripley, Utah.
13:29Let's see how I help you.
13:31The name's Kitson.
13:33I'm here to see the manager.
13:34Oh, if you'll excuse me, I shall be right back.
13:36But I have to go and get some cold water.
13:39Light murderer!
13:40You bloody murderer!
13:43It was a simple accident, Gilbert.
13:46I can quite understand you're upset,
13:48but that's no excuse for attacking me or my staff with a dead eagle.
13:52Do you know how long it took me to train that bird?
13:54But with respect, you could have trained it a little better
13:56to do what it was supposed to do instead of make a beeline for the corn.
13:59I'll kill him.
14:00I'll swear it.
14:00I'll kill him.
14:01Don't get him outside, will you?
14:03Make me hurt.
14:04My name's Kitson.
14:06I believe I'm expected.
14:07Kitson?
14:08Mr. Kitson!
14:10Mr. Kitson, come in, Mr. Kitson.
14:11Come in.
14:12Welcome to our leisure centre.
14:13Gordon British's manager.
14:15You've got blood all over your hand.
14:18Yes, yes, indeed I have.
14:20Perhaps you'd like to meet some of the staff here.
14:22This is Timothy, one of our foot soldiers, but a good man nonetheless.
14:25And this is Linda, one of our keenest, liveliest members of staff.
14:30Timothy, I'd take you through to the restroom if I were you.
14:33Right, Mr. Griffiths.
14:34Now, who else can you meet, Mr. Kitson?
14:37You're having some sort of problem, are you?
14:40Problem?
14:41No, no, no, no.
14:42Just a pigeon loose in a gymnasium, that's all.
14:45I think we'll revert to the original plan, Colin.
14:48What was that, Mr. British?
14:50Get the cat, Gavin.
14:52Right, Mr. British.
14:53Now, Mr. Kitson, what would you like to do first?
14:55Well, I usually start with a tour of the building.
14:59Excellent idea.
15:01Why don't we pop into the restaurant, pick up a soft drink,
15:03and then...
15:04Shouldn't you be getting changed?
15:05Quite right, yes.
15:07If you'd like to wait here...
15:08I could show him round, Mr. British.
15:10Colin?
15:10We'll begin with the basement toilets and work our way up.
15:13Colin?
15:19Come in.
15:21I hear the inspector's just arrived.
15:23Yes, Colin's showing him round.
15:26Really?
15:26I'd have done it myself, but I had to get changed.
15:29Oh.
15:30Not a good start, then.
15:32I don't think it would have made any difference, Laura.
15:35The numbers.
15:37That's all that counts these days.
15:38If you don't have the numbers...
15:41And we don't, do we?
15:43Mr. British, it may not be as bad as you think.
15:46Come on, Laura.
15:47You and I both know the score.
15:49That man's here to do a hatchet job.
15:51By next Monday, there'll be someone else behind this desk.
15:56I've said I thought it should be you.
15:59Me?
16:01You've recommended me.
16:03I don't want some stranger taking over our staff and upsetting them, Laura.
16:07They're a team.
16:08Forged and bonded over the months.
16:11Welded into a unit.
16:14Look after them for me, will you?
16:17I'm so sorry.
16:21This must be a terrible time for you.
16:25Don't worry about me, Laura.
16:27I'll be all right.
16:28Yes, of course.
16:30After all, when Kitson's done his butcher's work, at least I can go home, can't I?
16:35To three beautiful children.
16:36A loving wife.
16:39Oh, that reminds me.
16:42One day, Laura, if you ever get married yourself,
16:44and I don't think it's too late, even for you,
16:49you'll realise exactly how important that is.
16:51A loving wife, a happy home.
16:54I've got a letter for you.
16:55It's from your wife.
16:59I gave her a moped today.
17:11British?
17:13Well, Colin, if Mr Kitson wants to see the figures,
17:15you'd better show him up.
17:17I'll be waiting.
17:19Well, I'm on to the page of seven.
17:22That's true.
17:23That's true.
17:23Do you want one, Laura?
17:25What is it?
17:27One of these forms the inspector gave us.
17:29If you have any criticisms of the way the centre is run,
17:32please list them below.
17:34I've done four pages so far.
17:36You'd better take one before we run out.
17:40I don't think I'll bother, Tim.
17:41Mr Kitson said it's all completely confidential.
17:44Mr British will never know what you said.
17:45Oh, come on, Laura.
17:46It's our one chance to get rid of him.
17:48There's no need, Julie.
17:50What?
17:51He's already going.
17:55British is leaving.
17:57He doesn't have a great deal of choice, Tim.
18:00Ask Julie.
18:00She typed up the attendance figures.
18:02I still think we should fill these in, though,
18:04to be on the safe side.
18:07He's going to be fired, Julie.
18:09He knows it himself.
18:10He's just told me.
18:13How's he taking it?
18:14How do you think, Gavin?
18:16I mean, whatever else we may say about him,
18:19he cares about this centre, and now he's lost it.
18:22And on top of that...
18:24Well, I probably shouldn't say it,
18:26but you'll know tomorrow anyway.
18:28His wife is leaving him.
18:31Really?
18:32And when a man loses his job and his wife on the same day,
18:36writing a detailed criticism of his management style seems...
18:40I don't know.
18:41Seems a bit unnecessary.
18:54Rather disappointing figures here.
18:57Yes.
18:58Yes, they are, aren't they?
18:59I mean, you run a lot of excellent activities,
19:01but nobody seems to come to them.
19:05Is there a reason for that, do you think?
19:08Well, personally, I put most of it down to apathy.
19:11Yes?
19:12Only last month, I set up a brand new course
19:15to help the overweight come to terms with their self-image.
19:18First week, we have a light-hearted session with a measuring tape.
19:22Second week, no-one bothers to turn up.
19:26Very discouraging, Mr. Kitson.
19:28And what are the staff like?
19:31How would you describe them?
19:33First class, you could not ask for a better crowd.
19:37Dedicated, loyal, keen, professional...
19:39It's no good, Mr. Brittas.
19:41Colleen.
19:41Sorry, Mr. Brittas.
19:44It's just, it's worse than ever.
19:46The pigeon?
19:47No, no, the pigeon's gone.
19:48The cat ate it.
19:50Surely, it doesn't want to come down.
19:52The cat?
19:53It's just sitting up there, washing its whiskers.
19:56I think it's waiting for another pigeon.
19:59Let's just leave it there, shall we, Colleen?
20:01I don't think that's wise, Mr. Brittas.
20:03You see, the cat's got the same problem that the pigeon had.
20:06Except, well, it's bigger.
20:10And it's just eating a pigeon.
20:12It's doing it in heaps.
20:15Colleen.
20:16Sorry, Mr. Brittas.
20:17I have to take Mr. Kitson down to the lecture hall
20:20to talk to the staff now.
20:22I'm afraid you'll just have to sort this one out on your own.
20:25Right, Mr. Brittas.
20:35Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
20:38This is Mr. Kitson, the Southern Areas Inspector,
20:41who's been visiting our centre today
20:43and is going to...
20:48Mr. Kitson.
20:58Well, where do I begin?
21:02When I arrived here this afternoon,
21:05it was to find your manager
21:08dealing with something of a crisis.
21:11A pigeon in the gymnasium.
21:16And when it was clear that his first attempts
21:18to solve the problem had failed,
21:20he turned to his deputy and said,
21:23and I made a note of his exact comments,
21:27get the cat, Gavin.
21:31That is the sort of man you have
21:33in charge of this centre.
21:35This is the sort of man
21:37the county are relying on
21:39to bring people into the world of sport.
21:43Earlier this year,
21:44I sent out a questionnaire
21:45to all leisure centre managers
21:47in the south of England.
21:49This man was the only one
21:52to answer all three and a half thousand questions.
21:57And I may add,
21:59staple an extra 25 typewritten sheets
22:02in the place where I'd ask for additional comments.
22:14And I noticed some meticulous attention to detail throughout the centre.
22:20From the receptionist with her,
22:23how can I help you?
22:25In spite of her own problems.
22:28To the standard of cleanliness.
22:33You'd hardly know the public had been in here at all.
22:37And of course,
22:38most important of all,
22:40as I always say,
22:43the notice boards.
22:45Does he remind you of anyone?
22:47And how nice it was to see
22:49from the forms I gave out earlier
22:51that you,
22:53the team,
22:55agree with me.
22:56You shouldn't have read on those forms.
22:59So often staff use these
23:01as an excuse to abuse the management.
23:04How refreshing to see phrases like,
23:07we would miss him if he went.
23:10Wish him well.
23:12Sorry to see him go.
23:16Well,
23:17one day he will go.
23:20You can't expect high flyers like Gordon
23:23to stay in one place forever.
23:24But happily,
23:26that day is not yet.
23:29Aren't you worried about the numbers?
23:32Numbers?
23:33Well,
23:34nobody ever comes here.
23:36And you are?
23:38Julie.
23:40Well,
23:42Julie,
23:44you'll probably learn
23:46as you grow older,
23:48as I myself have learnt,
23:51that numbers
23:52aren't everything
23:54in this game.
23:55I remember in the days
23:57when I ran my own centre
23:59that we
23:59didn't always have
24:01huge
24:02attendance figures.
24:04But we had something else.
24:06Something far more important.
24:09We had
24:10a dream,
24:12Julie.
24:13A dream.
24:15I'm sorry,
24:16Mr.
24:16Brittloss,
24:16but you're going to have to come.
24:18What is it,
24:18Colin?
24:19It's the dog.
24:20Dog?
24:21I wanted this dog to try and frighten the cat down from the ledge,
24:24but I didn't know it had vertigo.
24:26It won't come down.
24:27What are you talking about,
24:29Colin?
24:29And it's terrified.
24:31Well,
24:32it's doing it all down the wall
24:33and everywhere,
24:34Mr. Brittloss.
24:35Sounds like you have a problem,
24:37Gordon.
24:37I'm sorry,
24:38Brian,
24:38but if you'll excuse me,
24:40I'd better deal with this one.
24:41You see,
24:42decisive.
24:43I wonder if I might join you on this one,
24:45Gordon,
24:45just to throw a few ideas in the melting pot?
24:48Not at all,
24:49Bri.
24:49Glad to have your advice.
24:51Good.
24:51I wonder,
24:52for instance,
24:53if anyone has considered
24:54the possibility
24:55of borrowing a goat.
25:07Hello,
25:08darling.
25:08Oh,
25:09Gordon.
25:09Just thought I'd get back to wave you off.
25:12I see you're taking the barometer.
25:14I,
25:14I,
25:15I thought it might be useful.
25:17You don't mind?
25:19No,
25:19no,
25:20not at all.
25:20It was yours anyway,
25:21wasn't it?
25:22I meant about me going away.
25:24Of course not,
25:25darling.
25:26Little holiday do you the world of good.
25:28Anything else I can bring out for you?
25:30No,
25:30no,
25:30I think that's everything.
25:32You certainly seem prepared for all eventualities,
25:34my love.
25:35Got all your records,
25:35I see.
25:36Yes.
25:38Well,
25:38I'd better be going,
25:40Gordon.
25:41The children are with mother.
25:42They'll send you a card.
25:44Look forward to that.
25:46Now,
25:46just you drive carefully.
25:48There's something very special to me in this car,
25:50you know.
25:51Where?
25:52I'm talking about you,
25:54my love.
25:56And it's days like today when one has a little brush with the angel of unemployment that one realises it.
26:02Why?
26:03What happened today?
26:04We had a visit.
26:05The area inspector.
26:07Oh,
26:07God.
26:08You mean you've lost your job?
26:10You've been given...
26:10No,
26:11nothing happened.
26:12Nothing?
26:13It was extraordinary.
26:14There was I expecting the usual bureaucrat interested only in numbers,
26:18but he wasn't like that.
26:20He was...
26:20He was a human being.
26:23Really?
26:24Charming man.
26:26Anyway,
26:26I just wanted to say that that's why over the last couple of weeks I may have been a bit
26:31difficult.
26:32Well,
26:32and I wanted to tell you that without you,
26:35without someone warm and encouraging to come home to,
26:39I don't think I could have managed.
26:45Something for the journey.
26:47The best of Neil Sedaka today.
26:49I've marked number two.
26:51Love will keep us together.
26:54Come on then.
26:55Off you go.
26:56Right.
27:00Have a good time.
27:13She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
27:15I don't know why she swallowed the fly.
27:18Perhaps she'll die.
27:19Why didn't you tell me?
27:22What?
27:23That they were sending an inspector.
27:24You never said.
27:26I didn't want to upset you.
27:27Upset me?
27:29I thought you might be worried about having no home,
27:32no money,
27:33going bankrupt.
27:35But...
27:35But you were worried.
27:37Yes.
27:38Yes, I was.
27:40I'll tell you something, Helen.
27:42When they said there was an inspector coming round,
27:44I thought,
27:45that's it, Gordon.
27:46The dream is over.
27:47You're all washed up.
27:49But you never said.
27:52You shouldn't have, you know.
27:55What?
27:56Worried.
27:56You have a way of surviving things, Gordon.
27:58I mean, look at Aldershot.
28:00Ah, Aldershot.
28:01Three and a half million pounds worth of damage,
28:03and you come out of it with a promotion and a medal for bravery.
28:09Someone had to dig them out, my darling.
28:11We had a good team at Aldershot.
28:16Come on, Gordon.
28:18What?
28:19I'm taking you upstairs.
28:21I think it might be good for both of us.
28:23But what about your little holiday?
28:25If you want to avoid the traffic...
28:26You just don't say anything, Gordon.
28:27Don't say anything at all.
28:30Right.
28:58You just don't say anything at all.
29:02You just don't say anything at all.
29:04You just don't say anything at all.
29:06You just don't say anything at all.
29:08You just don't say anything at all.
29:09You just don't say anything at all.
29:09You just don't say anything at all.
29:09You just don't say anything at all.
29:11You just don't say anything at all.
29:13You just don't say anything at all.
29:14You just don't say anything at all.
29:14You just don't say anything at all.
29:14You just don't say anything at all.
29:15You just don't say anything at all.
29:16You just don't say anything at all.
29:17You just don't say anything at all.
29:19You just don't say anything at all.
29:20You just don't say anything at all.
29:24You just don't say anything at all.
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