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00:01Ultra News.
00:03Sport Now with Alan Partridge.
00:05Alan, you're a keen fan of the law, aren't you?
00:07I certainly am. I support the law fully.
00:09Not too keen on those that break it, though.
00:11How do you support it, then?
00:13Just generally support it.
00:15What, generally turn up on a Saturday afternoon
00:16and wave from the touchlines?
00:19What?
00:21This is Sports Desk. I'm Alan Partridge.
00:24And it's a special desk of Sport Now
00:26as we look back on some of the sporting highlights
00:28of the last sporting season.
00:30So lie down, relax, and let the sports commence.
00:35When it's cycling championships you're after,
00:37you can't say fairer than the Tour de France.
00:40Di Brandauer there in the lead, swaying from side to side
00:43in his own inimitable bike-riding way.
00:45Klaus's been there on the inside, pumping away
00:47with those gristle-like, muscly legs inside those tight lycra shorts
00:53which have become his trademark.
00:55I don't know what this man is playing at. There's no way.
00:57Surely the judges must come down like a ton of bricks on that.
01:01Carrying bikes on top of a car
01:02is not a sportsman-like way to run this race.
01:07You join me in the helicopter now
01:09as we look down on these cyclists
01:11that look somehow like cattle in a mad way,
01:14but cattle on bikes.
01:15And there's Sven Gunsen, closely followed by his great friend and teammate Klaus Binn.
01:21And the man with the bikes on his car is, yes, he's disqualified, as I said.
01:26And Klaus Binn there wins.
01:28Crying non-handed. No need for that.
01:30It was a belter of a season for athletics.
01:341,500 metres there, cram.
01:37And not a lot happening, but unremarkable.
01:40Oh, good, someone's fallen.
01:42It's Peter Elliott. Yes, he's down.
01:45Peter Elliott, no relation to the late Denham.
01:48And come on, Pete, back on your feet.
01:50You can catch up with them.
01:52No, no, he can't be bothered.
01:54And it was upsets all the way in the dive championships.
01:58Greg Lugani, down, double back twister.
02:02Bangs his head and in. Textbook. Lovely.
02:04Let's see it again.
02:06He points down, up in the air, double back twister,
02:10comes down, bangs his head on the board and in. Lovely.
02:13The judges surely will give him high marks for that.
02:17But for my money, the best punches were being pulled this season in the boxing ring.
02:21As he's affectionately known to me.
02:24Thank goodness, actually, they're wearing gloves.
02:27Because I've witnessed bare-knuckle boxing in a barn in Somerset about three years ago.
02:33And it was a sorry sight to see men goading them on in such a barbaric fashion.
02:38And I'm rather ashamed to say I was party to that goading.
02:41And two men fighting, as I saw in the barn that night,
02:45naked as the day they were born and fighting the way God intended.
02:49wrestling at points. I don't know if you've seen Women in Love,
02:52the marvellous scene by the fire.
02:55It kind of resembled that.
02:57I'm Alan Partridge and that was my sporting season.
03:01Why don't you join me for another one? Join me.
03:05Alan Partridge is at Marple for today's horse races.
03:08I wonder what he's doing at the moment. Alan?
03:10Hi, Chris. I'm Alan Partridge.
03:13Horses. Love more hate them from Mr. Ed to Silver.
03:16That's the Lone Ranger's horse.
03:17They're all here mingling with officials.
03:19Don't do that, please.
03:20It's the 6.30 Queen Henry stakes,
03:23which is generally regarded as the litmus test for Derby form.
03:28Jockey Folklore says that if you cock up the Queen Henry,
03:32you might as well ride the Derby on a cow.
03:34Which, of course, would be a complete waste of time.
03:37Let's have a look at the betting.
03:39The going today, of course, is moist to tricky.
03:42The betting, Diabetic Charlie at 3-1 favourite,
03:45who added Sex Beast at 4-1,
03:47and at 20-1, Mrs. Boothroyd's Holiday Dancer.
03:50All the rest, 50-1 bar.
03:52That's all for now.
03:54Join us later for the race.
03:55Back to you, Chris, in the studio.
03:57Alan, have you got a tip for us?
03:59I was.
04:00I did have a tip,
04:01but I was going to tip New Year's Lad,
04:03but his horse box was hit by a Volvo on the M3.
04:07Terrible mess.
04:08Apparently, he's dead.
04:11So, bad luck there.
04:12Back to you, Chris.
04:16Hello again.
04:17The 6.30 delayed due to a collapsed paddock.
04:19They're just sorting that out.
04:22Men and women here,
04:23wandering around like ants on an anthill.
04:27Good to see Platitude Queen.
04:30A renowned horse.
04:32Well-known for its sense of humour.
04:33Look at that wiggle.
04:35Marvellous.
04:38I don't know what that is.
04:41Two to look out for.
04:42Number one there, Zayna Badawi's 20 Hotels,
04:45and number three, two-headed Sex Beast.
04:50It's great to see the deaf catered for by these real characters in anoraks.
04:57A couple of youngsters there fooling around.
04:59Let's hope that that tomfoolery doesn't escalate into blind, ugly violence.
05:06Which, let's face it, none of us want to see.
05:08Two fat ladies, 88.
05:11Oh, bingo expression there.
05:12Although, these ladies, I'm very sure, are not the kind of ladies who you'd find at the bingo hall.
05:18They're altogether a better class of fat lady.
05:22Look at that lovely girl there, chomping on a sandwich.
05:26Oh.
05:28That's all that is.
05:29Hope it's, er...
05:31Hope it's not a dead horse.
05:32They're not going to fit it in the back of a Volvo 340.
05:37Actually, I hope it isn't a dead horse.
05:39Sorry.
05:40The day today.
05:42Bagpiping fact into news.
05:45Back to today's races.
05:46Alan Partridge is at the, erm...
05:48Oh, seriously, Ben, let him lie in it.
05:49Let him lie in it.
05:51I'm Alan Partridge here at Marple with me.
05:54Erm, just a quick look at the betting.
05:57Onion Terror, 2-1 favourite.
05:597 to 4, massive bereavement.
06:02And 100 to 30, trust me, I'm a stomach.
06:05All the rest, 3 to 1 bar.
06:06The 6.30 has a 50-minute delay due to a, er, fist fight near the paddocks between two officials.
06:12One of them now hospitalised.
06:14But, er, I'm pleased to say I have with me the winner of the last race.
06:17Come here.
06:18Come here.
06:18Mickey Doolan.
06:20Hello.
06:20How are you?
06:21I'm very well.
06:22Are you now?
06:22Now, how do you feel about, er, the race there?
06:25You won that race, the last race.
06:26How do you feel about that?
06:27Well, I'm very pleased to have won the race.
06:29It was a hard race.
06:30Won it by a nose at the end, you know?
06:31So, er, it's quite sick.
06:33And your mum and dad must be pleased.
06:34Now, what do they think of you doing this?
06:35Shouldn't you be at school?
06:36Do they not think you're sort of missing out on schoolwork?
06:38Well, I think I'll be a little bit old for that now.
06:40I'm 33 years of age, you know?
06:43That's right, I'm 33 years of age.
06:45You're 33?
06:45That's right, no.
06:47But I thought you...
06:48I mean, you look about 14.
06:49Well, I take that as a compliment, you know?
06:52Are you really 33 years old?
06:5433 years of age, that's right.
06:56My God!
06:58Well, all the others?
06:59Are they, like...
07:00Are they sort of 30...
07:02Are they not children?
07:03Well, age varies from about, you know, 18 to 42.
07:07Maybe a bit older than that.
07:07But you're so small!
07:09Well, that's the idea, you know?
07:10I mean, if I was any bigger, if I was your size,
07:12then I wouldn't have won the race today.
07:14Right, that's why you never see people like Brian Blessed
07:16riding horses.
07:17No, it makes sense.
07:18Right, well, thanks very much for talking to us with Mickey Doolan.
07:20Mickey Doolan here at Marple.
07:22Ah!
07:23Raining!
07:25Ah!
07:31Alan, Sport.
07:32Thanks, Chris.
07:33Well, there was a very amusing incident on the golf course.
07:36Sorry, Alan, I'm going to have to interrupt.
07:40Alan, Sport.
07:41Thanks, Chris.
07:42Well, as I said, it really was...
07:44Shut it, Alan.
07:45I want you to stop.
07:47Wise words there from Sylvester Stewart.
07:49Time now for Sport with Alan Partridge.
07:50Alan, you're a bit of a word man, aren't you?
07:51Um, I certainly am, like words.
07:54Where would we be without them?
07:55Help you when you're having a chat.
07:57Yeah, do you feel them as they come out?
07:59Yeah, certainly do.
08:00What do they feel like, then?
08:03Yeah, something like that.
08:04Do long words feel different from short ones?
08:07Yeah, yeah.
08:08What about significant words?
08:09What do they feel like?
08:11Alan.
08:11What?
08:12What do significant words feel like as they come out?
08:16Do they feel different?
08:17Yes, yes.
08:19I'm Alan Partridge.
08:20That's just a significant word, isn't it?
08:22Yeah.
08:23This is sports desk.
08:25Football.
08:25The Liverpool versus Tanners match ended last night
08:28with defeat for the Tanners.
08:29I visited their dressing room.
08:31The atmosphere here hangs heavy like a big smell.
08:35The smell of men together.
08:37The smell of cat's musk.
08:38Bob Marino, you missed the penalty.
08:40Why?
08:41Yeah, Alan, it was a bad one.
08:43It took the top of my boots.
08:44It was all over in an instant.
08:46You look really stupid.
08:48Yeah, yeah, it wasn't a good performance.
08:49I'm going to try and take a shower now and look on to the rest of the season.
08:53Thank you very much.
08:54Are you going to wash away the stain of defeat?
08:58Yeah.
08:59Get clean now and look on to the rest of the season.
09:02Yeah, but when you go home with your...
09:05When you go home with your...
09:06When you get to bed with your wife tonight,
09:07you watch little Levere...
09:09Yes.
09:09You get to sleep with her.
09:10She sees a stain on your body and she says,
09:12Bob, remove the stain.
09:14What are you removing?
09:15I don't know.
09:16I don't know.
09:16I don't know.
09:17You've got a girlfriend though.
09:19I don't know.
09:20Cheers.
09:20Cheers.
09:21Cheers.
09:22On to show jumping.
09:23And I managed to catch up with the Australian dazzler,
09:26Katrina Parfit, after this morning's big horse event.
09:31Katrina, quick word.
09:32Let me say, you look fantastic on a horse.
09:36Thank you very much.
09:37You're like the Lone Ranger on Tonto.
09:39Oh.
09:40How do you feel?
09:41Well, I feel disappointed.
09:42I didn't quite make it this time, but, you know, that's the way it goes.
09:46I was personally gutted because I love those little touches you add,
09:49the way you turn, smile at the judge,
09:51a little wave, a little wink.
09:53He doesn't go on looks and smiles.
09:54He goes on a lot of skill and discipline now.
09:56I'm sure he does, but let me tell you,
09:57if I'd have been a judge, I would have been a complete mess.
10:01Right.
10:02What about the horse?
10:03How's that handling?
10:05Well, Sir Danzig wasn't doing too well.
10:07He shied away from the water jump,
10:08and that's when I really began to lose it.
10:10Well, let me tell you,
10:11if you have any more problems with him,
10:12you can ride me round the paddock.
10:16Anyway, I think that next year I'll have better luck.
10:22When, when you, when you, how do you ride a horse?
10:26How do I ride?
10:27How do you ride a horse?
10:28Well, I've been riding since the age of about five.
10:30I don't think it's anything you can learn.
10:32I think it's something that's in the blood.
10:35Sir Danzig.
10:38He's my horse.
10:39Yeah.
10:39And I shall be back next year and I shall win on him.
10:41You sell him.
10:48Very much. Thank you.
10:53Katrina Parfit, a lady.
10:56And it's a special desk of sport this week, as we look forward to all the sporting action that will
11:01take place in this year's 1994 World Cup Finals in America in Alan Partridge's World Cup Countdown to 94.
11:11Goal.
11:12Goal.
11:15Yes.
11:16Yes.
11:17Yes.
11:18Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
11:23That was a goal.
11:27Goal!
11:31Stryker!
11:32Eat that!
11:34And another!
11:36Bing bang, stick it in. Thank you and good night.
11:41Swat!
11:42That was liquid football.
11:45Shit!
11:47Did you see that?
11:49He must have a foot like a traction engine.
11:53Goal!
11:56Well, it's going to be three weeks of non-stop action,
11:59and to help us along and add a little bit of colour
12:02and fun to the proceedings,
12:04I've got with me a soccer meter.
12:07What's that, Alan?
12:08Well, I'll tell you, it's very simple.
12:10It's to explain the group system.
12:13Now, first of all, all these long arms here,
12:16these long signposts, are the venues where the matches will be played.
12:20Dallas, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and so on.
12:22If you look at me from above,
12:24you can see that this is the group system.
12:28It's 14 groups.
12:29A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N.
12:33And there are four rounds.
12:36There's round one, the red round, yellow round,
12:38blue round, red round again.
12:39That's my colour coding, not FIFA's.
12:41You won't find that with FIFA, just with me.
12:44So, that's the basis of it.
12:46And as you can see, they get progressively fewer towards the centre,
12:52the ultimate goal being the World Cup.
12:55All right, let's take an example.
12:56OK, round one, ah, is Pasadena.
13:01Let's say it takes place in Pasadena, between Chile and Paraguay,
13:04something like that.
13:04OK, and then we're through to round two,
13:08which is, let's say it's San Francisco.
13:10We've not got much time here.
13:12San Francisco, and that goes through to Orlando.
13:14So, let's take it round to Orlando there.
13:19Let's move those out of the way.
13:25Where's San Francisco?
13:27Where's, right, just gonna find San Francisco.
13:29Where is it?
13:30There it is, right.
13:32So, San Francisco have played Orlando,
13:35and then we're through to round three, Los Angeles.
13:39It's not written, it's, it's this, it's not written on that side.
13:43It should be, but it's blimey not.
13:46And then, it's whoever went through to the final of the World Cup.
13:52Who's that gonna be?
13:54Goal!
13:57The proof is in the pudding,
14:00and the pudding in this case is a football.
14:04Booth, eat my goal!
14:07The goalie has got football pie all over his shirt.
14:11I'm Alan Partridge, and that will be my World Cup 94.
14:15You can come too.
14:17Join me.
14:19The Day Today.
14:21Homicidey News.
14:24I'm Alan Partridge.
14:26Hello.
14:26Rally driving.
14:28The championships start tonight,
14:29but here's what I got up to this morning.
14:32Hi, you join me with Susie Herper,
14:35one of this Britain's top lady rally drivers.
14:39Susie, you're gonna be subjecting me to some atrocious punishment.
14:43What's that?
14:44Well, I'm gonna take you round the course
14:45that I won the rally on recently.
14:48Right, fantastic.
14:49And the stickers, what are the stickers for?
14:52Advertising.
14:53It's as simple as that?
14:54Yeah.
14:55Really is that simple.
14:57Before we go round the course, just to explain,
14:59this is a modern camera
15:01that will be watching all my facial movements.
15:03It's the size of a slim Panatella cigar.
15:06One more thing.
15:07It's a great model.
15:09It goes like a bomb.
15:10And the car's not bad either.
15:12Come on.
15:12Let's go burn some rubber.
15:15I don't see you quite, sir.
15:18Oh!
15:19Hey!
15:20Hey!
15:21Spunky lady!
15:22It hits the bumpiness.
15:24Yeah.
15:25I certainly know how to, uh,
15:26how to handle this bitch.
15:28You keep her in line.
15:30I like it.
15:31It's good.
15:32You've got to check the mark
15:33because it's a bomb, really.
15:34You take another strap of the neck
15:36and you let it know who's the queen.
15:38The car's the bitch.
15:39You are the queen and I like it.
15:42Yeah.
15:43Yeah, whoa.
15:44Yeah.
15:46Yeah.
15:46You know what?
15:47I'm just gonna break together.
15:48Okay.
15:49Easy.
15:50Easy.
15:51Whoa!
15:52See what I'm doing?
15:53What's up there?
15:54What's up there?
15:55Yeah.
15:56Why are you stupid?
15:58Watch out for that!
15:59Careful!
16:00Well, whilst driving like she was,
16:03maybe big and clever on the rally track,
16:06it certainly isn't on a housing estate.
16:08Remember, lives matter.
16:13Time now for Sport with Alan Partridge.
16:15Alan, I've got to say that that soccer commentary
16:16was brilliant last night.
16:18It really was.
16:19I mean, I'm not very interested in soccer,
16:20but I was totally absorbed and entertained
16:22by the whole thing.
16:23Great.
16:24Tell you what.
16:24Take a bit of extra time if you want.
16:26Do as much as you like on this.
16:27I'll be enjoying this too.
16:29Tonight, we are going to look at self defence.
16:32Brilliant.
16:33Now, self defence is no longer the preserve of hard men
16:36like Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin.
16:38More and more these days, we all need to know how to get a bit handy.
16:42Anyone who's been on public transport late at night
16:44will know that there are a lot of disturbed individuals out there.
16:47One minute they may be babbling incoherently,
16:49the next they could be going for your person.
16:51What do you do?
16:52Well, this week is National Self Defence Week,
16:54so who better to tell us than one of Britain's best loved judo fighting people?
16:58Commonwealth silver medallist Adam Neils.
17:01Adam.
17:01Hi.
17:01Now, self defence is not simply about punching someone repeatedly
17:06in the face until they're unconscious, is it?
17:08No, no, it's exactly what it says.
17:10It's defending yourself.
17:11Self defence with the minimum of force.
17:13Weaponry?
17:14No, no, just your body, that's all.
17:16Snooker ball in a sock?
17:18No, no, we teach people how to deal with that, but...
17:21What do you call those things with two sticks or the chain between them?
17:25Nunchaka.
17:25Yeah, I like those.
17:27Now, can we actually see some of the base at the...
17:30if you can use sort of talk within the basics of self defence?
17:34Right, okay, Tanya, if you...
17:34Right, well, we teach people to deal with anything
17:36from a sort of general invasion of body space
17:38through to a specific act of aggression.
17:40Right, so if I was to go like this...
17:41Wait, no!
17:44I can't breathe.
17:45So she's now wrested control away from you.
17:48I can't breathe.
17:48I can't breathe.
17:48Sorry, okay, that's good.
17:50She's wrested control away from you and has overcome you.
17:54The aggression's been turned against you.
17:55What happens if someone attacked you from behind?
17:57Right, if you were to attack me from the...
17:59Right, I throw you, I could throw you,
18:02I could use an elbow block against you,
18:04or I could shock you, immobilise you with just twisting the skin...
18:07Get off!
18:08Chris!
18:08Chris!
18:09But it's how it bout the degree in the ring,
18:09You're under arrest, they knew that it's just not for you soë‚´.
18:09have him do my lases out at the table,
18:09you know the mantra against me?
18:09I came to work there!
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