- 13 hours ago
TV, Movie, Allo Allo S9E03 - René Artois Is Still Dead
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TVTranscript
00:19You are probably wondering what I am doing lying on a table with my trousers down.
00:24There is, as usual, a simple explanation.
00:27I was being held prisoner in an underground bunker by the ladies of the Communist Resistance,
00:32who were using me as their love slave.
00:38I managed to escape, but because they had taken my clothes, I had to cover myself up
00:43with an elk skin bedspread in order to get back here.
00:47Unfortunately, while I was running through the woods, a hunter mistook me for a real elk.
00:53Shot me up the bum.
00:56I am now having the pellet removed, and it is not a pleasant experience.
01:00Ow!
01:01It hurts.
01:04We are sorry, René.
01:05We are trying to be as gentle as possible.
01:08There were dozens of pellets to remove, I'm afraid.
01:11Your backside looks like a colander.
01:14You have missed one there.
01:16Face the front.
01:17This is no concern of yours.
01:19I was only trying to end.
01:21Oh.
01:21You too.
01:22You are only here to hold the towel.
01:24Spoil sport.
01:25Here is just one more, I think.
01:27Well.
01:28There.
01:29I said face the front.
01:31It's very deep.
01:32I should need my special faucets.
01:35Oh, my God.
01:36You are not going to take my tonsils out as well.
01:39I hope you have a steady end, Doctor.
01:41So do I.
01:42Oh.
01:44Can I get up now?
01:46Of course.
01:49René?
01:51Ah.
01:52There you are.
01:53I did not recognize you from this side there.
01:56What is it, Michel?
01:58I must speak with you urgently.
02:00You certainly pick your times.
02:02We will help you with your trousers, René.
02:04You will do nothing of the sort.
02:06Go upstairs and get ready.
02:08I will help René.
02:09I can manage, thank you.
02:11Would you like these as mementums?
02:12No, thank you.
02:13I do not wish to be reminded of this moment ever again.
02:16You won't be.
02:17Not until you sit down.
02:19Oh.
02:21Goodbye.
02:22Good day to you.
02:25What is it, Michel?
02:26You won't be.
02:27Listen very carefully.
02:28I shall say this only once.
02:30Now that the Germans think you are dead, it is an ideal opportunity for us to smuggle
02:35you to England.
02:37Are you mad?
02:37Why would I want to go to England?
02:39Because the British need you to help with their invasion plans.
02:43Just think what an hero you will be.
02:45That is true.
02:46There will be a statue of you in every town in France.
02:49Not only the one we are erecting here.
02:52A statue of me here?
02:53The Germans have already agreed.
02:54But only because they think you are dead.
02:57If you announce you are alive, there will be no statue.
03:01I will go to England.
03:02It is my duty for France.
03:05Good morning.
03:06Good morning.
03:08Is everyone rudy for the precision of your personal positions, Ronnie?
03:12What is this idiot on about?
03:14Oh, I forgot to tell you.
03:17They are doing a parade of your beret and boots through the town this morning.
03:21Oh.
03:21And then they are to be put on display in the museum.
03:24The last ramoons of a brewed min.
03:28What an honour.
03:29Oh, I must make myself scarce.
03:31The plane will pick you up tomorrow night, Ronnie.
03:34Keep out of sight until then.
03:35I will hide upstairs with my bum in a bucket of ice cream.
03:39Remind me never to order a raspberry ripple again.
03:43You cannot idea, Ronnie.
03:45The Germans may decide to search the cafe.
03:47Then all would be revealed.
03:49He could hid in the Marseum.
03:51No one would leak in there.
03:53That is a good idea.
03:55You can join the procession.
03:56And then I'd in the museum when they put your remains on the display.
03:59I could be recognised if I joined the procession.
04:02Then you must go in disguise.
04:04But I...
04:04Officer Craintree, take off your clothes.
04:06I beg your pidden?
04:08Oh.
04:09René can wear your uniform to get to the museum.
04:12The thong's ID for England.
04:19As you see, I am prude to wear the union jock.
04:25And a big one, too.
04:30Ah, there you are, driver.
04:32I mean, let me all over for you.
04:33Good morning, Colonel.
04:35Ow!
04:38What are you doing?
04:40Um...
04:41The garrison mechanics have all been sent to the coast
04:44to overhaul the frontline panzers before the British invade.
04:48So I am servicing Hubert Junior myself.
04:51Hubert Junior?
04:52My little tank.
04:54That is his man.
04:55I am just replacing a piston.
04:57We are supposed to be attending the ceremonial procession for René this morning.
05:01Oh, I will be finished by then, Colonel.
05:04And we'll have to ask Madame Edith if she has found the painting of the fallen Madonna.
05:08We've got to get it back.
05:10I will be ready in a moment.
05:12I must just check the pressure in the cooling system.
05:16I didn't know you knew anything about engines, Gruber.
05:19Oh, yes.
05:20Yes.
05:20I studied tank maintenance at Officer Training School years ago.
05:32Although perhaps I could do with a refresher course.
05:38There.
05:39That should do it.
05:40You will not trip over your trouser legs now.
05:43Be careful of my uniform, Ronnie.
05:46I do not have a spear.
05:48I hope this works.
05:50If somebody recognises me in this outfit, I am a dead man.
05:53You are a dead man already, remember?
05:56Well, I do not wish to make a habit of it, eh?
06:02Hello?
06:03Mama!
06:05What?
06:06Oh, dear.
06:08Yes.
06:09Well, where are you?
06:11Well, get a taxi.
06:13We have to go out, but I will leave a note for you on the bar.
06:18Bad news?
06:19Some good, some bad.
06:21The good news is, Mama is back from Powys.
06:24She is at the station now.
06:26That is the good news?
06:30And the bad news?
06:31She and Monsieur Leclerc have split up.
06:34Apparently, he left her for a younger woman.
06:37How young?
06:38A spring chicken of 75.
06:42Mama is heartbroken, but she has been consoling herself
06:46with a retired one-legged gigolo from Marseille.
06:50How awful to have to sink to such depths.
06:53Mama is bearing up very well.
06:55I was thinking more of the gigolo.
06:59The procession is about to begin.
07:01Are you all ready?
07:03Oh, ho, ho, ho.
07:04Have I grown taller?
07:06Or have you grown shorter, Officer Catrice?
07:09It is me, you old fool.
07:11Ronnie is disguised as Moo.
07:15You must try an item in the museum, Monsieur Alphonse,
07:18until he can get to England.
07:20I have just the place.
07:22Oh, Remy, your beret and boots.
07:26People from all over France will flock to see them on display.
07:29I knew I should have had these soles repaired.
07:34Monsieur Leclerc, you are back.
07:35I have hiked all the way from Paris.
07:38I thought you had run off with a younger woman.
07:40I did.
07:41But she had wheels on her walking frame,
07:43and I could not keep up with her.
07:46Oh, I know the feeling.
07:47Is Madame Fanny back?
07:49Even at this moment she is on her woo.
07:51I will keep out of her way for a bit.
07:54You can play the drama at the front of the procession.
07:57I have left it outside.
07:58Now, come on.
07:58We must go off.
07:59Yvette!
08:00Oh, by the way,
08:01the postboy gave me this note on the way in.
08:04It is for you.
08:07The writing is very faint.
08:13Oh, that is better.
08:16It is an invitation from Herr Flick.
08:18He wants me to have tea with him this afternoon.
08:20What?
08:21He is after the painting of the fallen Madonna.
08:24He came here while you were missing.
08:26He told me he was really a British agent.
08:29You did not believe him, I hope.
08:30Of course not.
08:32Naturally, I will not accept his offered tea.
08:34On the contrary, Edith, you must.
08:36Why?
08:37String him along.
08:38He may tell you where he has hidden the missing booby.
08:41You are right.
08:42I will use all my feminine wiles on him.
08:46Oh, it is amazing how the sight of stockings and a glimpse suspender can unnerve the most strong men.
08:53Do not use all your wiles, Edith.
08:57Do not want to give him heart attack.
09:00I am ready, Madame Edith.
09:02Let us go, my children.
09:05Oh, I have forgot the note for Mama.
09:07Oh, off is a crabtree.
09:09There is so much soup on the stove in the kitchen.
09:12Would you be kind enough to put some in a thermos and leave it, take it upstairs to the attic
09:16for Mama?
09:16No problem. Leave it to Moo.
09:37Get big there. Get big. Make move for the precision.
09:54Stand the suit. Stand the suit.
10:01Hmm. That looks kimfy.
10:04I think I'll loo down and have farty wonks.
10:16Ladies and gentlemen.
10:19I shall look like you.
10:21You can stop wronging the dream, no?
10:25Ladies and gentlemen.
10:27We have gathered here to pay our last respects to René Artois.
10:33Oh, what is left of him?
10:35This cap and these boots are all we have to remember him by.
10:43They will be displayed in the museum so that we never forget what a true hero he was.
10:51There will now be a collection to pay for the display case.
10:56Please give generously, officer.
11:01Perhaps you will go round and collect the money.
11:04What wheat?
11:06Take this.
11:12Ninth.
11:15Would you like to country boat to the collection for a brew of min?
11:19No, sir. He was no friend of mine.
11:22A real shifty character he was.
11:24He owed me money, too.
11:26Oh, dear, you speak biddly of the dude.
11:28He watered his wine.
11:30Iron shot changed us.
11:33Don't stop him, Stroot, or you will get a bing on the knit with my truncher.
11:37He still goes before his truss.
11:39Be about your bosness, you ill-monored pisants.
11:42René Artois should be remembered as a min with a winderful pist.
11:50We must contribute, Colonel. René was a dear friend.
11:55Dearer to you than to me.
11:58I think we should ask Madame Edith if she's found the painting yet.
12:01Oh, please, Colonel, this is not the time.
12:06Cuibe, officer.
12:08Over here.
12:09Oh, my kid.
12:11He has not seen us.
12:13Let us go to him.
12:17Here you are, officer.
12:20Thank you, Lieutenant Grieber.
12:23I have very fond memories of René.
12:27May I touch his cap?
12:29If you wash?
12:34I knew he was a big man, but I had no idea he was a size eight.
12:39You had such greasy hair.
12:42Thank you for your generosity, Lieutenant.
12:45I must be on my woo.
12:52You know, Colonel, I could swear that policeman has got better looking.
13:00That was a close shave.
13:02I think my disguise fooled the Lieutenant.
13:05How much money did you collect?
13:07Fifty francs and a bent Polish zloty.
13:11Skinflinks.
13:13Now, let us get out of here before somebody recognises me.
13:16Michelle Leclocq, you can start bonging again.
13:24Double quack two women.
13:37Oh, it is good to be back at the cafe.
13:42Oh.
13:43Now, where is Edith's note?
14:02Welcome home, Mama.
14:06I have left you something up in your bedroom to warm you up.
14:18Such a kind, thoughtful daughter.
14:43What is Edith's note?
14:44Madame Finney!
14:48This is what Edith meant to Shigalow.
14:55Move over. It is party time.
15:01Not on your nilly.
15:06Ah.
15:08So do not make them like they used to.
15:14I will take these back to Officer Crabtree.
15:17He must be chilly in his underwear.
15:19But what about his trousers?
15:21I am keeping these. I am not waiting here in my long johns.
15:25I will get you some more clothes, Monsieur.
15:27From my mortuary.
15:31Oh, I am sorry, Hamlet. My suspenders bust.
15:35My stockings are held up with corn plasters.
15:40You are just in time to say goodbye.
15:43Well, goodbye, Monsieur Leclerc.
15:45Goodbye, Renée. Good luck.
15:50Girls, please, do not upset yourselves.
15:53Goodbye, Yvette.
15:54Goodbye, Renée. I will miss you.
16:03I was sick of you while you are away.
16:11Goodbye, Edith.
16:20Now, off you all go. You still have a cafe to run, you know.
16:29Goodbye, Monsieur Alphonse.
16:30Goodbye, Monsieur.
16:31We will give your berry and boots a fine display here.
16:36Oh, where is this hiding place for me?
16:38Through that door.
16:39Ah.
16:39You be quite safe there.
16:40Oh, I must get a key from the curator.
16:43I do not forget my new clothes.
16:44Your new clothes, of course.
16:51So much for a fine display.
16:56It will be good to pay our last respects to Renée
17:00in the privacy of the museum, Colonel.
17:03There were too many people in the square.
17:07This tank is changing around a lot, Gruber.
17:10Are you sure you fit in the new distance properly?
17:13It just needs running in, Colonel.
17:17We are off for a nice spin in the countryside this afternoon,
17:21aren't we, Hubert?
17:24It's a tank, Gruber, not a pet.
17:27You must treat them with affection, Colonel.
17:31A little tank like this needs coaxing.
17:34It needs a good kick out the exhaust.
17:38Now you've upset him, Colonel.
17:48Here are some more clothes, Monsieur.
17:50What about the cleaning woman?
17:52Oh, no.
17:53She's as deaf as a post and short-sighted.
17:55She will not bother us.
17:56Try these trousers for size.
18:01I can hear somebody coming.
18:02Hello.
18:06Oh, my ticky ticker.
18:08Who is it?
18:09It's the colonel in Lieutenant Gruber.
18:11Oh, my God.
18:11What are we going to do?
18:12They must not find me here.
18:14Look, Monsieur, you must side.
18:15Look, come here.
18:16What?
18:16Pretend you are a model.
18:18What?
18:18Yes, like this.
18:29How would you do, Officials, sir?
18:31We have come to pay our last respects to René.
18:35Where are his boots and berets?
18:38They are not on display yet.
18:40Please come back next week.
18:42Oh, dear.
18:42I was so looking forward to spending some time alone with them.
18:47What a fascinating place this is.
18:49What is this?
18:51Oh, that is a replica of the town guillotine, Monsieur.
18:54Oh, how ghoulish.
18:56And these waxworks?
18:58Oh, they are all figures of people famous in French history who had connections with Nouvion.
19:03Who is this?
19:05Ah, that is Anthrax the Gaulle, a local chieftain.
19:11And this, if you walk this way, is Louis XIV's sister's second cousin.
19:18And this here is a local chart to add it off with Napoleon.
19:24And who is this under the cloth?
19:27Oh, no, please don't touch me, sir.
19:29It is René.
19:31You have made a waxwork of René.
19:35I thought he was to have a statue.
19:37I always make a waxwork figure as a guideline to the statue.
19:40Very realistic.
19:43What a fine, handsome fellow he was.
19:48He seems positively to glow his life.
19:52Because he is not quite set.
19:55You are right. The wax is still warm.
19:58Please don't touch him, Monsieur. He is very delicate.
20:00Perhaps tomorrow he will be firmer.
20:03Is it customary to model a hero like René without his trousers?
20:08Ah, I was just getting him dressed.
20:11Oh, please let me help you.
20:12No, no, there is no need to share it.
20:19It's funny. I could have sworn his hand was down behind his chest.
20:23Oh, no, Monsieur. You are quite mistaken. A trick of the light, eh?
20:28And now, please don't. The museum must close.
20:32Bless you.
20:45Oh, are you... Are you all right, Monsieur?
20:49I have just lost all my loose change.
20:53How unfortunate.
20:55I could have lost an awful lot more.
21:01I presume massaging my manly shoulders is driving you wild with excitement, Helga.
21:09No.
21:10In that case, you will stop.
21:12I am expecting Madame Edith from the cafe at any moment.
21:16You do not usually entertain peasants, Evelick.
21:19She is going to reveal to us the whereabouts of the painting of the fallen Madonna.
21:23Are you sure she could tell you where the painting is?
21:26She will not be able to prevent herself.
21:29In this teapot is a powerful new truth serum
21:33extracted from the giant Peruvian porcupine at the height of the mating season.
21:39It must make the porcupines very nervous with the starved agents crawling about in the grass waiting for the mating.
21:46Not half as nervous as it makes the agents.
21:50It is her.
21:51Helga, you must leave.
21:53I will let her in on my way out.
21:59Hi, old peasant!
22:05Good afternoon, Evelick.
22:07Please, sit down.
22:10Would you like a cup of tea, my dear?
22:13Oh, thank you.
22:16Mmm.
22:19It's delicious.
22:21Camomile?
22:22No, Peruvian porcupine.
22:25In fact, a potent truth serum.
22:28Any moment now, you will go into a trance and tell me everything I wish to know.
22:33Oh, surely you are pulling...
22:37Take notes, von Smallhausen.
22:40Where is the painting of the fallen Madonna?
22:42I think it is in a drawer in the back room.
22:45Aha!
22:45Although it could be inside the cuckoo clock.
22:47Or upstairs under the bed.
22:49Or in the wardrobe in the spare room.
22:52On the other hand, it could be behind the inn-house.
22:55In the pantry, behind the bar, or in the lid of the piano.
22:58Oh.
22:59But I am only guessing.
23:00The serum is not working, Herr Fleek.
23:03It must have been a very old porcupine with a bad memory.
23:08You will come out of your trance and remember nothing of this conversation.
23:14What conversation?
23:16There may, however, be side effects.
23:19The serum of the Peruvian porcupine is not absolutely foolproof.
23:24When will these side effects begin?
23:27Any second.
23:29Now.
23:44Fill me up again.
23:46You are drinking rather a lot, Monsieur Leclerc.
23:49It is Dutch Courage.
23:51I am about to go upstairs to make it up with Fanny.
23:54Is this wise?
23:55She was in a faux temple earlier.
23:58I have to do it sometime.
23:59And she is a very forgiving woman.
24:08Fanny, darling.
24:09I am coming upstairs now.
24:12Get out, you two-tie-tie-tie-tie-tie-tie-tie-tie-tie-tie-tie.
24:16Oh, no.
24:19On second thoughts, perhaps I will stay down for the time being.
24:24Monsieur, you must arrive. Someone is coming.
24:27Oh, my God. You must hide, Monsieur.
24:30No, I am not going to be a waxwork dummy again.
24:32No, no, no. Look, look, look.
24:33Rest your aid down here. What?
24:35Then pretend you are a model.
24:37I am not putting my head under the guillotine.
24:39Look, it's just a cheap replica. It does not work. Quickly.
24:49Good morning.
24:50It is you, Officer Crabtree.
24:52Where is Ronnie?
24:54I am here.
25:00Oh, my God. I thought you said it did not work.
25:03So I made a mistake.
25:05I want my trusers, Bic.
25:08He's a very tit round the critch.
25:11Where on earth did you get them?
25:12I borrowed them from one of my stiffs.
25:15You just swapped them over.
25:17All right.
25:18By the woo, I have a massage for you from Michelle.
25:22What is the massage?
25:23The aircraft for England is dilued for a week.
25:27Oh, no. Come on. I am not waiting here a week.
25:29I am going back to the cafe.
25:30But you cannot, Ronnie. You are supposed to be Dodd.
25:34I am Dodd no longer.
25:36But how will you explain your absence all this time, Monsieur?
25:40I will say I lost my memory after the explosion at the windmill.
25:43I have been wandering around the countryside ever since.
25:45Here. You take these.
25:47It will be more convincing if I say that I lost my clothes after the Big Bang.
25:52I will turn myself in to the first Germans I see.
25:55I have a bitter plan.
25:57Go to the junction outside the toon and I will fond you on my bursicle.
26:01You are full of plans today.
26:04My brune is going like the clippers.
26:08I will meet you at the junction at half-piss socks.
26:27My goodness. No shock. It can't be.
26:29Rene.
26:36Rene.
26:37Rene. I do not believe it. You are alive.
26:41Do I know you?
26:43It is I.
26:46Lieutenant Gruber.
26:48What is the matter?
26:50Do you not remember me?
26:52I remember nothing except a big bang.
26:56Oh, Rene. I see what has happened.
27:00In that terrible explosion at the windmill you lost your memory.
27:05Memory. That is right. Yes. I lost my...
27:08My... My... What was that word?
27:10Memory.
27:11Memory.
27:12Lene.
27:13Get into my little tank.
27:14I will take you back to my quarters.
27:17Get you out of those filthy clothes and give you a nice, hot, relaxing bath.
27:24Suddenly I have recovered my memory.
27:26What a miracle.
27:27Thank you, Lieutenant.
27:28But if it is all the same to you, I will... I will walk home.
27:31Oh, no, Rene.
27:32I remember. I remember the way I...
27:33I'll give you a lift.
27:34Please. Thank you.
27:35Clarence, follow that man.
27:37I really do remember the way home now.
27:39No, no, Rene. Get into the back of the tank.
27:42Please, no, Rene.
27:43I have a lovely bottle of Armagnac back at my quarters.
27:46Please, I beg you. I beg you.
27:49No, I can't stop.
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