- 1 day ago
TV, Movie, Lost in Space (1965) S3E12 - A Day At The Zoo
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TVTranscript
00:24The End
00:35The End
01:02The End
01:16The End
01:19The End
01:28Hi, did you find any plants?
01:30Not a one. I don't think Penny's finding any either. We split up so we could cover as much area
01:35as possible.
01:38What was it? An eclipse?
01:42No, it was much too close for an eclipse. I think we'd better get back to the spaceship.
01:46But what about Penny?
01:47We'll find her on the way back. We don't have to wait for the robot.
01:54It's a daffodil, just like on Earth. It isn't real. It's made of paper. Judy?
02:07Who are you? I wasn't going to pick it. You want me to go away? Yes, I think I will
02:20thank you.
02:23No! Let go of me!
02:25You want me to go that way?
02:29No, I didn't do anything and I'll just go back the way I did.
02:39Ogle! What the devil are you doing here? Get back inside!
02:43Oh! What's that bad? Stop! Stop! Stop struggling in there, you silly little girl!
02:52Can't get away. You'll only hurt yourself. Then you'll be spoiled as an exhibit.
02:57Exhibit?
02:58Of course, Earth Girl. You're mine now. I trapped you for my zoo.
03:04Zoo?
03:29Go, go, go, go, go.
03:48You're mine now.
03:56THE END
04:20Penny? Penny!
04:23I thought she'd be around here somewhere.
04:25Let's go, Penny!
04:27Penny!
04:28Penny!
04:30Penny! Penny!
04:32Judy, help!
04:33Silence. Your name is Penny.
04:36Well then, Penny, close your eyes.
04:40No, I won't.
04:42I'm not going to hurt you.
04:44Not until you tell me who you are and what you mean by zoo.
04:47Well, not this silly little net that you're in.
04:51At the moment, you're outside my zoo.
04:53But just wait. Wait until you see your quarters inside.
04:57Now hurry up. Close your eyes.
04:58Oh, please, sir. I'd much rather be outside the zoo.
05:01Would you want me to destroy your friends who are calling you?
05:04No, please don't hurt them.
05:06Well then, do as I say.
05:11Yes, sir.
05:13That's it.
05:14Tight now.
05:16I promise this won't hurt a bit.
05:19You're going to love the quarters that I've arranged for you.
05:22Now, are you ready?
05:29I got her!
05:30I got her!
05:34There. Isn't that better?
05:37No.
05:38Oh, I'm sorry.
05:44You see, I'm really quite harmless.
05:50I only use this silly thing when I trap homo sapiens.
05:53Most human beings I find are afraid of loud noises and bad faces.
05:59You mean you've trapped other people from Earth?
06:02Well, I used to exhibit Martians.
06:05But no one seems to believe in them much anymore.
06:09But yes, of course, I've trapped other people from Earth.
06:11I'll show you.
06:12I'll prove it to you.
06:14Come with me.
06:18Wait until you see this.
06:20Now, you just stand right here.
06:23Now, turn around.
06:25That's it.
06:27Ah, that way.
06:29Are you ready?
06:48He's an old-fashioned knight in armor.
06:50Yes, of course, my dear.
06:52I snatched him out of your Middle Ages.
06:54His name is Mort.
06:56Now, wait until you see this dear sweet thing.
07:06Oh, I think I've seen her before someplace.
07:13Excuse me, ma'am.
07:14Ah, not now, my dear.
07:15Later.
07:16I'm afraid Mrs. Whistler is rather hard of hearing.
07:19But you do see how happy she looks, hmm?
07:22But if that knight's from the Middle Ages, and she's from the 19th century.
07:26Yes, I know.
07:28Time and space mean absolutely nothing to me.
07:31Why, I've collected specimens from all ages of human development.
07:35You see, I am the great Farnham Bee, showman of the cosmos,
07:41sole proprietor of the one and only traveling zoo in all the heavens.
07:46I'm sorry, Mr. Farnham, but I'm not very pleased to meet you.
07:50Oh.
07:52Oh, well, just you wait until you see your room.
07:55Come along, my dear.
08:00This way.
08:04Now, here we are.
08:11Your room.
08:13My room?
08:15It doesn't look like much.
08:17Wait.
08:18Just you wait, Kenny.
08:21You'll be safe here.
08:23No more struggling for survival.
08:26Why, here,
08:27you can have anything you want.
08:30Forever.
08:32You see, you'll be exhibited in your natural habitat.
08:39Ta-da!
08:40Earth girl, 20th century.
08:56Not bad, huh?
08:58Just like home.
09:00This was way back in grandmother's time.
09:03Oh.
09:04Oh, I'm sorry.
09:06A few minor adjustments may be necessary.
09:14Um, Mr. Farnham?
09:16What?
09:17How did you do all this?
09:19Oh, well, this is nothing.
09:22Wait till you taste the food in my zoo.
09:24Ooh, yummy.
09:26And you can have anything you like,
09:28anything you can think of.
09:30And there are no germs here.
09:32And air so pure.
09:34You'll live for hundreds of...
09:36Uh, go on, Mr. Farnham.
09:40Years.
09:42There's only one thing, my dear.
09:44You must never, ever try to deceive me.
09:48Like you!
09:49You ungrateful little wretch.
09:50You, you thing!
09:52Give me that!
09:53I can't even steal properly without making a mess of it.
09:57What have you been doing with my, my control box?
10:00Get out of here!
10:01Get back to your cage!
10:02You hear me?
10:03Get back to your cage!
10:04Or I'll ship you home!
10:05Home to your filthy jungle!
10:06Oh!
10:07No!
10:07Please don't hurt him!
10:09Oh, don't worry, my dear.
10:11I would never hurt him.
10:14But don't you tell him that.
10:17Blasted prehistoric nuisance.
10:19Do you know that he's my most valuable exhibit?
10:22You mean he's from Earth, too?
10:23Of course.
10:25The only Stone Age cave boy in captivity.
10:28The one and only authentic...
10:32Oh, well, no wonder.
10:34One of my traps is buzzing.
10:35Look at that.
10:36What?
10:38I've caught another one!
10:42Oh, galloping galaxies!
10:45This is my lucky day!
10:51Where are we?
10:53I don't know.
10:56Here.
10:57Back!
10:58Both of you!
10:59Back!
11:00Now, look here, mister.
11:02Do as I say!
11:02Get back!
11:04Mort!
11:10What in the name of...
11:17Be careful, my boy.
11:19He'll tear you asunder.
11:21You'd better calm him off, mister.
11:22That medieval armor's no match against this.
11:30Oh, stop struggling, you silly fool.
11:32It won't do you any good.
11:33Mort here is one of my finest exhibits.
11:36The original Sir Mordred,
11:37who killed your King Arthur.
11:41Mort!
11:42Bring him along!
11:49Put him in this empty cell next to Penny's.
11:56Hurry, Mort.
11:57We've got to get going.
12:00Get going?
12:01Where?
12:01Oh, dear.
12:02Dear, I hope I'm not going to have trouble with that one.
12:05But you'll help me, won't you, my dear, to keep him calm, hmm?
12:08The trouble with the Homo sapiens male, I understand, is that they all used to be boys.
12:14What's wrong with boys?
12:15Weren't you one once?
12:17Well, of course not.
12:18Where I come from, we've done away with that growing up nonsense.
12:21But if it's true that you've caught all kinds of humans, then you must have had lots of experience.
12:26Are you calling me a fraud, Penny?
12:29I'll have you know that I have caught hundreds, literally thousands of human beings.
12:34And the only one I have any trouble with is Argo.
12:38And you know why?
12:40Because he's a boy.
12:42So there.
12:44I don't see anybody, Dr. Smith.
12:46Are you sure you said his direction finder's right?
12:49Of course I did.
12:50He's simply not cooperating today, and that is what it is.
12:54Now then, you tin-plated tin-tenabulation.
12:57Where is the Major?
12:59And Judy?
13:00And Penny?
13:01Answer me at once, do you hear?
13:04Dr. Smith, I think he's trying to make alarm signals.
13:07Alarm signals, my foot.
13:09I see nothing to be alarmed about.
13:11Actually, this is one of the most pleasant areas I have ever been in.
13:17Ah, yes, it's perfectly sharp.
13:20But, Dr. Smith...
13:21Hush, will you?
13:23Will you stop battling?
13:24You cantankerous clod.
13:27William, look.
13:29How lovely.
13:31What a lovely daffodil for you.
13:34Dr. Smith, where'd he go?
13:36Dr. Smith, where'd he go?
13:37Let go of me!
13:38Let me go!
13:39William, where are we?
13:49Let me go!
13:50Silence!
13:54I've hit the jackpot!
13:56Who's that thing?
13:58That's Dr. Smith.
13:59Thing indeed.
14:00How dare you, sir?
14:01No, no, no, no, no.
14:03The other thing.
14:04A robot.
14:08Mort!
14:11Do your duty.
14:13No, no, wait just a moment, sir.
14:16I have a splendid suggestion to make.
14:19You have?
14:21Yes, I do.
14:22Let them, that is to say, this one and that one, let them joust.
14:28Let them what?
14:30Joust.
14:31You know, as when knighthood was in flower.
14:34Well, I, uh, it's really quite simple, sir.
14:37I shall explain it to you.
14:39If your knight wins by then, you have us at your mercy.
14:44Howsomever, if our robot emerges victorious, you will grant us our freedom.
14:50What do you say, my dear sir?
14:51Is it agreed?
14:55Well, why not?
15:03Mort, please, try not to damage him too much.
15:05You'll make such a lovely exhibit.
15:08Take him, my dear friend.
15:09Take him, my bosom companion.
15:11Take him.
15:12Get him.
15:13Slug him.
15:26Slug him.
15:41Slug him.
15:43Oh, oh, ah!
16:01Now, you stupid Earth creatures!
16:04Now do you believe that I, Farnam Bee,
16:07am the greatest showman of the cosmos?
16:10Perhaps one or two of my exhibits are a bit, uh, humbug.
16:22Well, that's show business, isn't it?
16:25Mort here is the greatest robot ever created.
16:32And you, you are all in my zoo forever.
16:36Oh, and I'll try very, very hard to make you happy.
16:40Or break every bone in your bodies.
16:43Hmm!
16:55Oh, Will, what are we gonna do?
16:57I don't know.
16:59I'm sure I'd just love to spend forever in a girl's room.
17:03That's not important.
17:05The trouble is Mr. Farnam's so smart.
17:07It's obvious he can travel anyplace.
17:10Through time, space, anything.
17:12Then why didn't he bring back a real knight from the Middle Ages?
17:15Who cares?
17:17Oh, Will, don't you realize the spot we're in?
17:20Do you wanna be an animal in a zoo for the rest of your life?
17:22But Penny!
17:26Stop it! Stop it!
17:29Now, you just stop that!
17:32You asked for less, didn't you?
17:34I gave them to you.
17:34What are you throwing them about for?
17:35All right.
17:36Give me my laser gun.
17:37Give me a radio!
17:38Major, I don't understand why you're carrying on like this.
17:42I give you almost everything.
17:44And as soon as I get organized,
17:45I promise you'll all even have your own private cages.
17:48And on top of that, there's no danger here, no disease.
17:53All right!
17:53Then I'll quit throwing things.
17:55Oh, good.
17:58I'm just trying to make you listen to me, that's all.
18:01Don't you understand?
18:02Try to make you listen.
18:03So if you'll just step inside here, maybe we can...
18:06Major, Major, Major.
18:08You have an inferior intelligence.
18:10Don't you know it's impossible to trick me?
18:13Oh, besides, time to get this show on the road.
18:15Show on the road?
18:16Oh, yes, of course.
18:17Now that I have you 20th century specimens,
18:19my exhibit's complete.
18:21Oh, I'll pack them in!
18:23At last!
18:23I'll clean up!
18:24Wait!
18:25Where are we going?
18:27Oh, first a little road trip, cover several galaxies.
18:31Just as soon as I make certain that Dr. Smith is properly settled,
18:33we'll be blasting off!
18:38Get him in here.
18:42Excuse me, Mr. Farnham, please.
18:44Yes, yes, my dear.
18:44What is it?
18:45I'm in a terrible hurry.
18:46Well, I just thought of something else I'd like.
18:48What?
18:49Um, could I please have a strawberry?
18:52Strawberry?
18:53Now?
18:54Well, you said I could have anything I wanted.
18:56I did?
18:58Oh, yes, so I did.
19:00Well, I think I have time to manage a little thing like a strawberry.
19:07I thought you were going to ask for something, oh, something much more difficult.
19:11Something like, uh, an artichoke.
19:14Close your eyes.
19:16Open your mouth.
19:18Now, there's a real-life strawberry.
19:20There.
19:21How's that?
19:21Mmm, it's delicious.
19:23Oh, good.
19:23Here.
19:24Have another.
19:25Ugh.
19:25It's yellow.
19:27Oh, yes, of course.
19:28Isn't it lovely?
19:29It's supposed to be red.
19:31Oh.
19:33Oh, well, never mind.
19:35Hmm.
19:36Few minor adjustments.
19:39You will be happy here, though.
19:41Hmm.
19:42Just you wait.
19:45Pop.
19:47What did you do?
19:49It's an old trick.
19:51There's a woman over there.
19:52She looked awfully nice, and she's pretty old.
19:54So I guess she's been here a long time.
19:56Well, maybe she can tell us how to get out.
19:57Yeah.
19:58Come on.
20:03There.
20:05Excuse us, please, Mrs. Whistler.
20:08Hey, ma'am.
20:10Mr. Farnham says she's a little deaf.
20:13Excuse us, ma'am.
20:14Please, Mrs. Whistler.
20:19She's a fake.
20:21Maybe everything here's a fake.
20:23Everything except us.
20:25No.
20:26Not Ago.
20:27Ago?
20:28The cave boy.
20:29He was even outside when I got caught.
20:32So he must know the secret.
20:34Argo can show us how to get out.
20:37Come on.
20:39There we came here to see if Mort had supplied you with everything that you ask for.
20:44Oh, please, I'm in a hurry.
20:46What is the matter with you?
20:47Didn't he arrange your natural habitat properly?
20:50Yes, indeed.
20:51My natural habitat.
20:53This is what I'm accustomed to.
20:54This is what I deserve.
20:56Champagne.
20:57Fresh caviar.
20:58How some ever, my dear Mr. Farnham.
21:00There is one rather important thing that I remember that seems to be missing.
21:20How very nice.
21:22Well, just don't throw it at me like that ungrateful major.
21:32A little pocket money.
21:37My dear, Mr. Farnham, at last I found an environment suitable to my Satan in life.
21:43And you have done it, excellency.
21:44You are my savior, my leader.
21:47May I congratulate you for rescuing me for posterity, for the ages.
21:52You mean you really like my little zoo?
21:56Ask rather, do I like the fountains of youth?
21:59Do I like basking on the shores of heaven?
22:03Do you?
22:03Yes.
22:04Yes.
22:05Yes, I do.
22:07Oh, dear, oh, dear, Mr. Farnham.
22:08I am forgetting my manners.
22:13Now then, sir.
22:14May I offer you some pickled shrimp?
22:17Pheasant under glass.
22:18A rare roast beef.
22:21Don't you understand?
22:22Home.
22:24Wouldn't you like to go back where you came from?
22:26Back to your jungle?
22:29I guess that prehistoric jungle of his wasn't so hot.
22:32I think he's been living with Mr. Farnham ever since he was a little boy.
22:38Evidently, he doesn't care much for Mr. Farnham either.
22:41Uncle, please.
22:42We just want you to show us how to get out.
22:45Because you don't want us here either, do you?
22:49I mean, you tried to shoo me away from the daffodil, remember?
22:53Weren't you trying to save me from being caught?
23:02I think he's changing his mind about you.
23:05You could come with us if you like.
23:07Shh!
23:15Maybe he's afraid there are too many of us.
23:17Could you get one of us out?
23:19Just one?
23:26I guess it's easier to get you out because you're smaller.
23:29And you could bring help and get the rest of us out.
23:33All right.
23:33You'd better get back to your cage, Penny.
23:35Don't worry.
23:35Come on, Uncle, let's go.
23:40May I?
23:41May you what?
23:42By all means.
23:44Mr. Farnham, there is one little thing.
23:47I hesitate to mention it.
23:49Yes?
23:49My wristwatch.
23:51Your wristwatch?
23:52After I received your charming little gifts,
23:54I noticed that my wristwatch was missing.
23:59Ooh.
24:01Tell me, when Mort was in here arranging things,
24:03did Argo come in too?
24:05The little hairy creature?
24:08Yes.
24:08Yes, he did.
24:09For a moment.
24:10Oh, good for him.
24:12He stole it.
24:13You didn't even notice.
24:14Oh, I've taught him well.
24:16With that clever little scoundrel,
24:17I'm very pleased with him.
24:19For shame, Mr. Farnham.
24:21Did you teach the boy to steal?
24:24Hmm.
24:26To steal?
24:27To lie?
24:28To cheat?
24:28Never to trust anyone?
24:30I mean, after all,
24:31how else can man survive in show business?
24:34Do you know, if it hadn't been for Argo,
24:36there are some planets that I would have been ridden off on a rail,
24:40wearing tar and feathers.
24:42Zack.
24:43Zack, indeed.
24:46Smitty?
24:49Do you know that I have never caught a real human being in my whole life?
24:54Pity.
24:55Mm-mm.
24:57Except Argo, that is.
24:59But if you knew what a nuisance it's been trying to keep him primitive like that.
25:03Do you know that I'm even afraid to speak in front of him for fear that he'll start talking and
25:07ruin the only good exhibit that I've got?
25:09What?
25:11This zoo?
25:13Everything?
25:14A fraud?
25:15No, sir.
25:19Delusion.
25:22Oh, my inventions are real.
25:25And so is my zoo now, now that I've got real live people down there.
25:29Oh, Smitty, I tell you we'll simply clean up, standing room only, now that you're here to help me control
25:35them, to help me with the work.
25:36Just one moment, sir.
25:39Did I understand you to say that there was work to be done?
25:43Well, sometimes it becomes a bit much to handle.
25:46Collecting the admissions, that is.
25:49Do you know that there are some planets where they pay admission in diamonds have to be weighed?
25:55And emeralds so heavy that even Mort can't lift them.
26:01Diamonds?
26:02And emeralds.
26:04How very nice.
26:05Mr. Farnham.
26:08A toast.
26:10To your new assistant.
26:13Oh, dear.
26:15What was that?
26:16No, not that.
26:18Don't so wrong.
26:19Ah, there we are.
26:21What is that?
26:23Escape!
26:29Is that it?
26:30Is that where we get out?
26:31Uh-huh.
26:34What?
26:38What?
26:39Do we get close to where you live?
26:41Back to your jungle?
26:42Uh-huh.
26:43I'll go.
26:44Show me mine.
26:45How do I get back to the spaceship?
26:46I'll go, you young devil!
26:48Keep away from those stalls!
26:50Hurry!
26:53Give me that boy!
26:54Come here!
26:55You little brats!
26:56Ah!
27:03Where are we?
27:05This is the wrong place!
27:08Argo?
27:11Argo!
27:13Argo!
27:19Mr. Farnham!
27:22Rats!
27:25Worthless young scamps!
27:27Mr. Farnham!
27:29Take your dirty little paws off my person!
27:32I think something's wrong, sir.
27:35Oh.
27:36Good heavens!
27:37I think maybe we fell through the wrong door.
27:40Oh.
27:41You think maybe we fell through the wrong door?
27:43Well, just you wait, young man.
27:45Just you wait.
27:45In five seconds, I'm going to teach you to...
27:48Ah!
27:48Oh!
27:49My ankle!
27:50Does your ankle hurt, sir?
27:53No.
27:54Ah!
27:55I've never seen caves like this near the Jupiter.
27:58Not even on our whole planet, maybe.
28:01Oh!
28:02How observant you are!
28:03How wise!
28:05Well, what I mean is...
28:06Where are we?
28:08How should I know where we are?
28:10This should teach you a good lesson, huh?
28:13I suppose now you'll be ready to go back to my zoo, boy.
28:16Well, I'll just press this... this button.
28:20And in five seconds...
28:22Will that take us back?
28:25Well, is something wrong with it?
28:28No!
28:28No, no, no.
28:29Wrong control box, that's all.
28:31Where is it?
28:32Where are my other control boxes?
28:36I don't know.
28:37Well, how are we going to escape from...
28:40Escape?
28:41Escape?
28:42That's it!
28:43I took the control boxes out when the escape alarm rang.
28:46Oh!
28:47No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
28:50Yes!
28:51I left them there!
28:52I left them in Dr. Smith's room!
29:03Margot?
29:04Come here.
29:06Have you seen Mr. Farnham?
29:08I can't seem to find him anywhere.
29:15Down there?
29:17Where?
29:21He's gone away?
29:28Did you do something to him?
29:31Did you get rid of him?
29:36Forever?
29:38You stupid little creature!
29:40Now what shall I do?
29:41Now I shall never be saved!
29:43No, but I think of all those diamonds and emeralds!
29:46What?
29:46What?
29:47Oh, yes, yes, yes, I know.
29:50These are Farnham's controls.
29:51But I don't know how to operate them!
29:57Argo.
29:59Do you know how these control boxes work?
30:03How the whole spaceship works?
30:07You do?
30:10How very interesting.
30:13Perhaps we shall not need Mr. Farnham after all.
30:20That wicked man!
30:23I'm sure he mistreated you and was very cruel to you.
30:29You poor dear boy!
30:34Never even gave you proper clothes, did he?
30:38Argo, wouldn't it be lovely to have a nice, new, shiny coat?
30:44Like a real circus boy.
30:47Would you like that?
30:50Perhaps I can arrange it.
30:53Perhaps, Argo.
30:54We can help each other.
30:56We can be friends.
30:59And I would not be cruel to you.
31:01Oh, no.
31:03I would treat you very kindly.
31:06And the others, too.
31:08You see, they don't know what's best for them, but I do.
31:14I know how to make everyone happy.
31:18What do you say, Argo?
31:20Shall we...
31:22cooperate?
31:32Done.
31:42Dr. Smith!
31:47How did you get out there?
31:48Hurry, open this door.
31:51Argo!
31:54What are you doing in that coat?
31:56Never mind the coat. There's work to be done.
31:59What happened to Will?
32:02Argo, did Will get out?
32:05Smith, open the door.
32:06Not yet, Major. Not until I have tested one more thing.
32:10Argo, come here.
32:14Show me the proper button.
32:16Test what thing? What button?
32:17Dr. Smith, what are you talking about?
32:19The acid test. Oh, please let it work.
32:24Mort!
32:28Mort!
32:30Now then, sir. Right face.
32:36Right face.
32:38Right face.
32:39About face.
32:42About face.
32:55About face.
32:58The what?
32:59Unfortunately, Mr. Farnham has met with a slight accident.
33:03I am in charge here now.
33:04And let me remind you, this zoo is already booked for a road tour.
33:09There are eager customers waiting on distant planets with money in their hot little hands.
33:15Smith, you open this door.
33:17You'll get out when I say so, Major.
33:20When I have collected that money.
33:23For the nonce, I am the greatest showman in the cosmos.
33:28Mort!
33:28I shall need your help to put my mechanical misfit back together again.
33:32We are hitting the road.
33:36Ferris, get back here!
33:41Hurry up, sir.
33:42We'd better at least find out where we are.
33:45Easy, easy.
33:46Maybe we fell through Argo's door.
33:49Oh.
33:50That's not so bad.
33:52Thank you, boy.
33:53You're welcome, sir.
33:56I guess now you can see that boys can be of some use.
34:00Well, I know that.
34:02That conniving Argo is the most useful thing I've ever caught.
34:05Blasted brat.
34:07He's ten times smarter than you are.
34:10Why haven't you ever told him that?
34:12Never you mind.
34:14Mr. Farnham, why did you start your old zoo in the first place?
34:19Why?
34:21Well, uh, because it's in my blood, that's why.
34:25I'll have you know that my mommy was the greatest monster tamer of all the outer heavens.
34:33Oh.
34:34You know, but why does that make you want to catch everything?
34:38Oh.
34:39Well, uh, boys catch things, don't they?
34:42Yes, they do. I've seen them.
34:44They catch all sorts of crawly things like, uh, snakes and spiders and lizards.
34:49But we just do that to learn how they feel.
34:52And once we do, well, we let them go.
34:55You let them go?
34:56Oh, you have an inferior intelligence, boy.
35:00Yes, sir.
35:01But maybe you feel that way because you never were a boy.
35:05You never had the chance to grow up.
35:08Now, that'll be enough out of you.
35:10Ah!
35:11Oh, let me go, boy.
35:15I am the great Farnham Bee.
35:17I don't... I don't need anyone's help. Not yours, not anybody's.
35:30Oh, good heavens.
35:33What is it? What's the matter?
35:35This is where Argo came from.
35:37It can't be. I've seen pictures of prehistoric Earth.
35:40No, no, no, no. Not Earth.
35:42Argo's humbug. Haven't you guessed that by now?
35:44I merely found him on this horrible planet and dressed him up to look like a cave boy, that's all.
35:49You what?
35:51Then I... I taught him to lie, to cheat, to steal, to never trust anybody.
36:02Oh, how he must be laughing now.
36:05What?
36:06And what he's done to me, of course.
36:12Argo is the only one who can get us out of here.
36:15Nobody else can figure it out.
36:18Argo's the only one who can save us!
36:24Well, then, if he's learned his lessons as well as I think he has, well...
36:31Oh, well, then he'll never...
36:33What kind of a planet is this?
36:37I believe the life expectancy here is 45 minutes.
36:47This way, this way. Come and see the primitive Earth people.
36:52See homo sapiens in his natural habitat.
36:57See the renegade robot of Mars.
37:00See the greatest show from Earth.
37:09Argo!
37:12Give it here.
37:14Later, boy, later.
37:15You will have your chance.
37:17Later.
37:19Have a look.
37:21Jewels.
37:21We're on a planet where they pay jewels.
37:24Let me see.
37:28Emeralds, rubies, sapphires.
37:30Grab them, Penny, and wrap them around his neck.
37:33Silence!
37:35For shame, Major.
37:37Don't you appreciate what I'm doing for you?
37:39I'm not going to slaughter you, Smith.
37:40I swear, when I get out of here, I'm going to...
37:43Really, Major, it's very bad form for the aliens to see you behaving in this way.
37:47The curtain's going up.
37:49Take your places.
37:50Curtain?
37:51Argo, give this here.
37:54I'll handle it.
38:01Good luck, everyone.
38:03On with the show.
38:11No!
38:14Hundreds of them out there.
38:16But what are they?
38:21No!
38:21No!
38:30That's it.
38:31That's it.
38:32Move about.
38:33Put some showmanship into it.
38:39Penny, don't just stand there.
38:41Move about!
38:42I've worked very hard on this production.
38:44I'm scared.
38:45Nonsense, my dear.
38:47Remember how the polar bears bask in their pool of water?
38:50how the little raccoons show off in their cages.
38:53But I'm a person, and they're...
38:56Well, look at them.
39:01Don't worry.
39:03We'll get out of here somewhere.
39:08Run!
39:09Now, stop it at once you hear.
39:11Play it up.
39:12Play your part well, and I promise you shall have ice cream at feeding time.
39:17Ice cream?
39:18Well, what are you grinning at?
39:20Look at you in that silly coat.
39:22Is that all you wanted?
39:23Are you happy now?
39:27You, sir.
39:28Into your renegade robot of Mars outfit.
39:31Quickly.
39:32Peanut popcorn.
39:34Get peanut popcorn.
39:36I can understand about Dr. Smith and that silly boy.
39:40But how could you let this happen?
39:42Because the show must go on.
39:45Dr. Smith implanted that on all my memory tapes.
39:47This has nothing to do with the show.
39:49Well, can't you erase your tapes and start acting like you should?
39:53Self-erasure of tapes is against a robot's prime directive.
39:57Is that all you can say?
39:58There is no business like show business.
40:01At least according to Dr. Smith.
40:03Now, you stop that.
40:04At least try to erase all that from your tapes and help us.
40:08Very well.
40:09It shall be done.
40:17Kill all that, Dr. Smith.
40:19Now, smash it!
40:21Water him.
40:22I'll break every bone in his greedy, mean body!
40:33Do you know what it makes me want to do?
40:47Take it easy, Judy.
40:49We'd all better take it easy.
40:52But now I know what the monkeys feel.
40:55It's five minutes to showtime.
40:57See the humans.
40:59See them each.
41:00See their funny faces.
41:02See the silly humans.
41:04This way.
41:04This way.
41:06Oh, dear.
41:06There were all those jewels.
41:07Put them all in my room, remember?
41:09Hurry, hurry, hurry.
41:11See the greatest show on earth.
41:14Get your tickets.
41:15See the one and only Zachary Smith.
41:17Present his Marvel of the 80s.
41:19Ah, madam, how many?
41:20Three.
41:21I have them right here.
41:22Here we are, sir.
41:23Thank you very much.
41:24Go along, go along.
41:26Ah, ha, ha.
41:27My, my.
41:28What a pretty little girl.
41:34Don't feed this to the animals, girly.
41:37They'll bite.
41:40See them bite.
41:41See the terrifying, raging major.
41:43See the pretty little girl.
41:45See...
41:45No, no.
41:47Later.
41:47Later, Argo.
41:48You'll get your chance later.
41:49Hurry, hurry.
41:50Stop it.
41:51Here, stop it.
41:54The show's over, Smith.
41:56Ring down the curtain, Dr. Smith.
42:00I just wanted to help, Major.
42:02I meant no harm.
42:04I was just trying to make a bit of money for all of us,
42:07for the children's future.
42:08I told you to be quiet.
42:10Well done.
42:10I found another one in Mr. Farnham's control boxes.
42:14Where's Will?
42:15I don't know where Will is.
42:17Argo, you know where Will is, don't you?
42:20He's with Mr. Farnham, isn't he?
42:22And you know how to get them back.
42:29I'll handle this.
42:30No, wait a minute, Don.
42:32Don't you care about anything but that silly, shiny coat?
42:36Have you really been having so much fun since Mr. Farnham disappeared?
42:42No, you wait a minute.
42:45We all love Will.
42:47What if something awful happened to him?
42:49Do you want that?
42:51You want something awful to happen to Mr. Farnham?
42:56Do you?
42:57Really?
43:03Mr. Farnham would never do anything to really hurt you.
43:05I know he wouldn't.
43:07He told me so.
43:10Uncle, please.
43:11Maybe he is awful.
43:14Did raise you, didn't he?
43:18And even if he can't understand about boys,
43:21doesn't mean you can't...
43:23can't try to understand about men,
43:27about fathers.
43:36Please, Uncle, please, help us.
43:39Help us.
43:54Maybe he's too big to get in here.
44:05What are we going to do?
44:07Just a place to run!
44:10Maybe he'll go away!
44:12No, he won't!
44:14I can't stand places like this,
44:16closed in, suffocating!
44:21We're going to be trapped!
44:23Boy, I have claustrophobia.
44:25Don't you have any sympathy?
44:27Well, sure I have,
44:28but there's nothing I can do about it!
44:32Wait!
44:33The air's better down here,
44:34towards the ground!
44:36No, it's not!
44:38He's going to catch us!
44:40We're trapped like rats!
44:42Well, now you know how it feels, Mr. Farnham.
44:45Help!
44:46Help me!
44:47Help us!
44:48Anybody!
44:49Help!
44:51Take it easy, Mr. Farnham.
44:53Don!
44:54Don!
44:57Stay down, all right.
44:58You should stay down.
45:23We're saved!
45:24We're saved!
45:25We're saved!
45:25I called, and you came to save us.
45:28You came to save me, me, the great Farnam.
45:36Oh, Argo.
45:40After all the horrid, stupid things I taught you,
45:43you still came.
45:55Well, come on, son.
45:56Hmm, get on with it.
45:58Speak your piece.
46:02Goodbye, Penny.
46:06How about that, huh?
46:07Give a boy an inch and he'll take a mile.
46:09Next thing you know, he'll be talking my head off.
46:12Well, we've got to find a new way to make a living.
46:14Well, that's showbiz.
46:16Goodbye, everybody.
46:17Goodbye.
46:17Come along, son.
46:18Bye-bye, Mr. Farnam.
46:21Mom, do you suppose I'll ever meet a nice boy
46:23from my own neighborhood?
46:24Oh, goodness, I hope so, dear.
46:28Come on.
46:34There they go.
46:42Oh, dear.
46:44Smith.
46:50Smith.
46:52Oh, how dare he?
46:55That curds, that ingrate.
46:57He and that restless boy.
46:59Do you know what that lying Farnam had the temerity to say
47:02when he threw me overboard?
47:03He said I was a fraud.
47:05He said he would not allow me in any kind of zoo.
47:08Indeed, a man of my body.
47:12Beware, Farnam.
47:14I'll sue you for libel.
47:16Beware.
47:18Help me out of this.
47:20I'll sue you for I don't need any time.
47:24Oh, my niece.
47:27I will see you for tomorrow's house.
47:27Oh, my niece.
47:43I won't know for me.
47:44I'll she get on my desk.
47:45He said I'm done now.
48:05¶¶
48:19¶¶
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