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00:02Stroopzorf is so honored to be hosting its first international peace talks
00:05and we are proposing that we throw the events with a spa theme
00:08We're building up to the park
00:10Seriously? I've been dragging this thing around for 30 minutes
00:12Okay
00:13You know what? Someone else can move it
00:15As I was saying, we are honored to be hosting
00:18and we think it would be
00:19Honored could be pushing it a bit, so you know how I feel about these things
00:21My old saying, those who can't fight negotiate
00:24Well, we all know that the only reason this is happening here
00:27is because you've been making kissy kissy with General Martin
00:29Somebody sounds a little bit jealous
00:32Okay
00:33We can all agree that we need these talks to go well
00:35Yes
00:35So it's important that we make the delegates feel like they are
00:38Wine moms at 8.15 a.m. on the first day of school
00:41Which is why we have the Army's only on-site sommelier
00:44This is a 1986 Chateau Bordeaux
00:47It's full-bodied with hints of black currant and a lovely finish
00:50And we have a sauna now, sir
00:52which is basically a cedar closet that we emptied out
00:54and filled up with space heaters
00:55But it is hot in there and people can go pantsless
00:58And wrap themselves in luxurious towels
01:01These swans are good
01:02I genuinely don't know how to be bad at something
01:04Did you ever work on a carnival cruise?
01:06And I'm a masseuse
01:08But only chicks
01:09You know what? I'm sold
01:11Yes
01:11Don't change a thing
01:13And these swans are really a lovely touch
01:17Oh my god
01:18Thank you, sir
01:19You're welcome
01:20Alright
01:22I knew it
01:23I knew he would love these ideas, right?
01:24Guys, guys
01:24Shut it down
01:25What?
01:26No, no, he hates it
01:27He's going to sabotage us
01:28He clearly loves you
01:29I know what I'm talking about
01:31I'll tell you this, Colonel
01:33You have made some excellent soda back there
01:35My skin is glowing
01:37Oh, do you need this towel to make another spa, or?
01:39Hey!
01:59So far I'm liking working together
02:01I know, you can't beat the commute from the bedroom, right?
02:04Alright, the first delegates are arriving in five minutes
02:07Diplomacy is my least favorite part of the job
02:09Worse than when I dug a bullet out of my thigh with a knife
02:11Although, it was kind of satisfying
02:13It was like a fleshy Easter egg hunt
02:15I think peace is just completely overrated
02:17I mean, we have all these great war machines
02:18Like fighter jets and tanks
02:20And, you know, kids aren't interested anymore
02:22I blame video games
02:23I think people are just squandering their blood less than couches
02:26Thankfully, I have an aide to camp who handles the logistics for me
02:28She's good
02:29Just don't mention Amsterdam
02:31She went there last week
02:32And she won't stop talking about the Van Gogh Museum
02:34What is wrong with this generation of soldiers?
02:36We don't want to hear about your stupid dreams
02:37And your fantasy football
02:39And there's some guy that cut his ear off
02:41Keep it to yourself
02:42Speaking of faking interest
02:43I'm going to have to do a lot of that this week
02:45It's kind of key to my battle strategy
02:47See, the real talks don't happen at the talks
02:49Those talks are the fake talks
02:51The real, real talks happen outside the fake, real talks
02:55God, this is why I love guns
03:04Admiral, nice to see you
03:05Oh, Generale, I knew that jury would acquit you
03:08And what a hat!
03:10Huh, a hat is a workaround
03:11I can't do this
03:12Alright
03:14Would you care for some Stroopstorp Swiss?
03:15You know, it's roots actually go all the way back to World War II
03:19When an American soldier romanced a local cheesemonger's daughter
03:22In Dutch, it's known as
03:24Or unplanned pregnancy cheese
03:28Enjoy
03:30What the hell's going on here?
03:32They got you on cheese duty?
03:33General Martin's aide-de-camp that Major Higley put me in as greeter
03:37But I thought I would take it as an opportunity to show people what Stroopstorp is all about
03:40I'm honored to be but a small piece of the peace process
03:45You know what's going on here?
03:46Hmm?
03:46She has you assigned to an outpost far from the action
03:49While she is on the front line soaking up all the glory and the connections, okay?
03:53She is sidelining you
03:54I am going to excel at the job that I was given
03:57And that is how you win
03:58No, honey, that's how you give up and lose
04:00You need to go Quinn or go home
04:02That's what you need to do
04:03You said that you were going to be in your office all day
04:04In fact, your exact words were call me when the dorks make up
04:07I'm going to go talk to General Martin about this
04:09No, don't do that
04:10Why?
04:10That's like a total helicopter parent move
04:12What's that?
04:14Helicopter parenting
04:14It's like a very common parenting term
04:17I'd love to be a helicopter parent
04:19I could probably really be good at that
04:21I could be an Apache helicopter parent
04:23Like the most badass helicopter parent of all time
04:26Helicopter parenting is a bad thing
04:28How could it be a bad thing?
04:30I mean, helicopters are like one of the greatest war machines ever invented
04:33With the giant whirling blades cutting through the air
04:35And you can fire missiles as death from above for your enemies
04:37And they're really loud
04:38You've got to yell inside
04:39You've got to yell outside
04:40I love them
04:41Helicopter parents try to control everything in their kids' lives
04:43By hovering over every decision they make
04:44You're really selling it
04:45No, dad, don't
04:46What?
04:47Let me fight my own battles
04:48Let me just hover above
04:49You have to wear a hairnet
04:51Right, thank you
04:52Yes, that
04:53Right here
04:55I'm hovering
04:58Ranger Higby
04:59I heard about your recent trip to Amsterdam
05:01Have you heard about our little drug testing program here at the base?
05:09Sorry soldiers, phones in the bin, Colonel's orders
05:12We can't have any information about the peace talks leaking before they've reached an agreement
05:15We are now on a base-wide internet blackout
05:17And you are sequestered to the teen center
05:19You know, there was a time before phones
05:21Your generation's whole lives are on your devices
05:23I only use mine for work
05:25Other than that, I exist in the real world, see?
05:28Easy
05:29Shaw is right
05:30Rules are rules
05:30This is important
05:34Conway
05:34Hmm?
05:36All your phones, please
05:37Okay
05:39You got me
05:41Yep
05:43Mmm
05:45Mmm
05:47And
05:48The Saturday night special in your ankle holster
05:50Okay
05:57Good, next
05:59All right, Jan, let's rehearse this
06:01What is up, y'all?
06:03This is Corporal Elias Papadakis
06:05A.K.A. Papadadadakis
06:07I'ma be your emcee for this whole freak nasty weekend apiece
06:12Now let's get things kicked off
06:13With a little cha-cha slide over to that table over there
06:17You can get a security badge
06:18And remember
06:19Only one lanyard per person
06:21Ask the official translator for the weekend
06:24I will translate
06:25Por favor, thomas sus cordones
06:29But Jan, you left it all
06:31You left it all my flair
06:32Yes, okay Papadadakis
06:33I need you to listen, okay?
06:35Now it's time for serious
06:36These are important people
06:37These are peace talks
06:39Next time
06:40I'ma need my stag verbatim
06:41Or else
06:43Hey
06:46Higley failed her drug test
06:47Oh my god
06:48Well, that's Amsterdam for you
06:49People ride bikes
06:50Because they're too high to drive
06:51The talk's just started
06:52My aide, whose running point
06:53Is indefinitely suspended
06:54Man on the wall of shame
06:56Which we call the wall of flame
06:57Because most of the people out there
06:58Get caught smoking weed
06:58I don't know what I'm gonna do
06:59Well, what about Maggie?
07:01Hmm
07:01I don't know if she's ready
07:03She's a queen
07:04She was born ready
07:08Enjoy
07:10Put the cheese down
07:11Oh, and do like a charcuterie
07:13You have a new assignment
07:14Cheese related
07:15No, honey, forget the cheese
07:16There's been a change of plans
07:17You're now in charge of all summit events
07:19In charge?
07:20Mm-hmm
07:20Yeah, thank you, ma'am
07:21Oh, Prime Minister
07:22Cute tie
07:23I love a bold neutral
07:24Come here
07:27I wonder what happened
07:28I think she just saw what you were doing
07:29With the cheese thing
07:30And she was like, hey, I want this girl
07:31To put some of her quince sauce on my peace talks
07:33That's what I'm saying
07:34Yes, right
07:35I'll give her the sauce
07:36One thing, hairnet
07:37Hairnet?
07:38Yes
07:40Okay, time to rehearse, Papadakis
07:42Remember what we talked about
07:43Less is more
07:44Yeah, shut up, young
07:45What's up, y'all?
07:47It's your boy, Papadie, back on the mic
07:49Listen, next piece set starts in five minutes
07:52And now it would make an excellent time to go tangle
07:55We should maybe grab some water or something
07:57That's a great idea
07:58Cool down a little bit
08:00Can we know what this flag is?
08:04It was upside down
08:06You know, I can actually see the resemblance between you and Maggie
08:10I think she looks more like her mom
08:11They both have a weird shaped skull
08:14Because she too was on the verge of failure
08:16I think she's gonna be fine
08:17This is basically glorified party planning
08:19Well, one more high profile screw up and, you know, I can have you replaced
08:32Hey
08:33Hey
08:33How you doing?
08:34Seems like it's going pretty good
08:35Maggie seems to be killing it
08:37She better
08:38Several countries have added delegates at the last minute
08:41And the seating chart is a minefield
08:42How much of a minefield can it be?
08:44It's just lunch, right?
08:44No, no, it's not just lunch
08:45Remember how I told you the real talks don't actually happen at the talks?
08:48That I launch a diplomacy sneak attack the moment they used to expect it
08:51Well, this is that moment
08:52Oh
08:53But lunch is the most important part of the whole summit
08:55Oh
08:57Ooh
08:57How about
08:58God, who brings plus 20 to a peace talk?
09:01Oh, God
09:09Don't worry
09:10She killed him
09:12Alright
09:12Nice
09:13Look at this
09:14Everyone's adjusting to life without phones really well
09:16Congratulations
09:17We discovered that the phones were inside of us all along
09:21We've been sitting here talking like a real-life group chat
09:24You mean a conversation?
09:25Yeah, but the LOLs just hit different in real life
09:28Oh
09:29Sorry
09:29I thought I felt my phone vibrate
09:30Phantom vibrations
09:31Oh, looks like you're the one who's jonesing for a phone
09:34We getting for some speaking
09:36Dying for some dialing
09:37It's so sad
09:38Your generation is worse than us
09:40You're addicted to your phones and you don't even know how to use them
09:42What, do you miss your big thought?
09:44Putting period behind every word
09:45Or accidentally leaving your flashlight on for 10 minutes at a time?
09:48Okay, no, it's just a work day
09:50And my work is on my phone, okay?
09:52It is important for me to be available for the Colonel at all times
09:55I should call him, you know?
09:57Yeah
09:57I don't have a phone so I can't call him
09:59And he can't call me
10:00And that's okay
10:01Yeah
10:03Um, just gonna walk it off
10:04How many steps do I have today anyways?
10:06Oh, I did it again!
10:07Okay
10:08Uh, I just like to look at my GPS
10:10Know where I went, how long it took me to get there
10:11But I can do that myself
10:13One, two, I'm in the team center
10:15Three, four, five, heading left
10:17Six, going into the meeting room
10:19Seven, eight
10:24Hey
10:27Is this the menu?
10:29Dad, please
10:29Oh, I just, I don't know, honey, if you understand how important this lunch is
10:33Of course I understand how important this lunch is
10:35Okay, well it was news to me
10:36What?
10:36It's pretty important, apparently
10:38I've got a lot going on right now
10:39I know
10:39You know that way more delegates are coming than expected
10:41Which means I have to redo the seating chart
10:42And I have to add courses to the menu
10:44Oh, okay
10:45Lots to do, we'd love the space to do it
10:46Okay, well I'm giving you the space
10:47You are not, you are hovering
10:48I'm
10:49Kind of like a literal helicopter
10:50An Apache helicopter
10:51Yep
10:52Dad, General Martin gave me this job because she believes in me
10:54But somebody gives you a job because they believe in you
10:57Doesn't mean they can't take it away from you
10:58That's what a boss does
10:59Okay, I was born to do this, calm down
11:01Okay, I'm trying
11:02And these forks are too small, what did I say?
11:05Oh boy, we're in a world to hurt
11:08Hey, strike the whole menu, we need steak and potatoes, okay?
11:11Captain Quinn just confirmed the new courses
11:13Well, Colonel Quinn is telling you there's a freezer full of steaks
11:15And we need to start cooking them up, okay?
11:17You want world peace or not?
11:18Let's go
11:19This fork, we know what this fork's for
11:21You know, just an average fork
11:22We want the baby version of this
11:24But when I say baby version, I don't mean this
11:27Because this feels like a fork for babies
11:31You know, and you absolutely got this
11:32And I believe in you and appreciate you
11:34Thank you so much
11:36You are hovering
11:36I know, I had to hover because I wanted you to know
11:39A very important thing
11:39I told the chef to change the menu
11:41From your frou-frou finger fruits
11:43We need to go heavy
11:45Dad
11:45We need to go steak, potatoes, gravy, maybe a side of stew
11:47Oh, a side of stew?
11:49Yes, because heavy food makes them tired
11:50They'll agree to anything just to get out of the talks and go take a nap
11:53You know that there's people who don't eat beef
11:54I know
11:55People who don't eat pork, people who don't eat meat at all
11:56I know, but they're not here
11:57They don't have important jobs
11:58Yes, they are, they do have important jobs
12:00Dad, you can't just go and change my menu
12:01I am just trying to help, okay?
12:03There's a lot riding on this
12:04Yeah, yeah, yeah
12:05Let me help, let me help
12:05If you want help, then you have to change my menu back, okay?
12:07Okay, I don't know how Cucumber got its own sandwich
12:10Yeah
12:10And
12:13I actually, I
12:15I actually do need your help with something
12:17Really?
12:18Yes, I forgot that I need to restock the kitchen with propane tanks
12:21You know, I'm sure they need them for the auxiliary burners and
12:24You want me to be
12:27Mission Propane
12:28Okay, so I'll get some, uh, some propane tanks and bring them back
12:32Changing the menu back first
12:33I'm going
12:36Killed the steaks, go back to the cucumber sandwiches
12:39I'm getting 200 steaks, Brad
12:40I know, but apparently vegetarians are running countries now
12:46Oh, hi
12:47Captain, I must say you are really rising to the occasion
12:50You keep this up, you can join me at the peace talk circuit
12:53Geneva
12:54Versailles
12:55Oslo
12:56One step at a time
12:57Absolutely
12:58Yeah, thank you ma'am
12:59Thank you
13:01Having fun?
13:02Thief?
13:03Uh, sorry?
13:05The random drug test?
13:07I don't know what you're talking about
13:08The only reason you have this job is because I was targeted for a drug test
13:11And because I wanted to make the Van Gogh Museum a little more vibrant
13:14I failed it
13:15Look, I'm sorry, I had nothing to do with that
13:17You only have this job because daddy made it happen
13:19No
13:20You have no idea what you're doing
13:21You're the worst kind of Nepo baby
13:22You're no Dakota Johnson
13:23You're Scott Eastwood
13:27I am Dakota Johnson
13:31She thinks she got into my head
13:33She did not get into my head
13:36Listen to me very carefully
13:37Uh, we are going back to steak and potatoes
13:40What?
13:41You heard me, you heard me
13:45Exactly what Dakota Johnson would have done
13:51The Prime Minister can't be sitting next to the shake, right?
13:55And obviously not next to the Premier
13:57That makes no sense
13:59Um...
14:00Ladies and gentlemen!
14:02Doors are open for lunch
14:03Come on in and find your seat
14:05What if, what if, what if they weren't sitting?
14:08Well, uh, uh, strike the chairs
14:09Uh, and, and get high top tables
14:11What?
14:12You can't mess up a seating chart if you're not sitting
14:14Just stall while I get rid of the chairs and add high top tables
14:19Strike that!
14:20There's been a prank
14:21Y'all just got lunched
14:23It's something we do in the army here
14:25Where you think there's food and there's nothing
14:27So y'all gonna be hungry for a minute
14:37I am a genius
14:40Stop elbowing me
14:41I'm trying to cut my steak on this high top table
14:45What is this menu?
14:46I can't eat this
14:48I am not a genius
14:50Propane
14:53You gotta be kidding me
14:56You know, the only thing worse than an errand
14:57Is a fool's errand
15:00Look, I, I needed you to stop helicoptering
15:02And, and, and, by the way
15:03You really thought I wouldn't find out about General Martin's aid?
15:06I don't care about that
15:07I'm proud of that, honey
15:08I got a woman to pee in a cup for you
15:09That means something
15:10Dad, I want to succeed based on my own merits
15:13Not because my daddy came in and blasted away the competition
15:16It was a direct hit, splash, good
15:18I believed in myself because I thought that General Martin believed in me
15:21And now I am so lost and confused and kind of lost
15:24Losing my mind if I'm honest
15:25No, no, no, no
15:26Relax, you're fine
15:27You're going to be fine, okay?
15:29This is culinary outrage
15:31Should've gone with the steak and potatoes
15:33I did
15:35Potatoes?
15:35Two of these countries fought in the potato wars of 1637
15:39Who changed the menu I approved?
15:41They did
15:44Like six times
15:45It wasn't six times
15:47Fix this
15:48Now
15:50Yes ma'am
15:58Looking for something?
16:00Ahh
16:02I need my phone
16:03My bones are cold
16:04That means there's a work crisis
16:04I just know it
16:05Remember who implemented this media blackout in the first place
16:08You are not yourself right now
16:09Leave the phone
16:10Let me see my messages
16:11You are a workaholic
16:13The colonel needs me, it's who I am
16:14Shut up, you are more than your child
16:15Fine
16:19When I was a kid
16:21My grandparents
16:22They had a
16:23A bakery
16:24Sneak attack
16:25Ha ha
16:25Me
16:27No
16:28I might have a problem
16:29You definitely do
16:30Mm-hmm
16:31Look
16:32You're using words to distract yourself from your personal life
16:34And I get it
16:35No one does as many scams as I do
16:37And is a well-adjusted person
16:38I don't have a personal life to avoid, okay?
16:40I'm a recent divorcee
16:42Who actually wants his boss to call him on nights and weekends
16:44So I can feel like someone needs me
16:46Well you're welcome to come over anytime
16:48I mean, I won't be there, but
16:50You can vacuum
16:53We're handling this situation
16:54These aren't even the real real talks
16:56They're the fake real talks, as you know
16:58This was not General Martin's fault
17:00It was the officer in charge of the base's fault
17:02Whoever that buffoon is
17:04Maybe Colonel Patrick Quinn
17:06I can't believe I made such a big mistake
17:08And with everything riding on this
17:10Like it's the talks and the base and our jobs
17:13And I've ruined it
17:14I've ruined it all
17:15I wasn't ready for this
17:17Who could be ready for two countries that went to war over potatoes
17:21And one of them's not Ireland
17:22I should have known, okay?
17:23That this is what I want to do
17:24You know, this is the world that I want to be in
17:26Don't be so hard on yourself
17:28That's my job
17:29Yes
17:30I don't know, I'm sure you have an annoying idea up your sleeve, right?
17:34Okay
17:35Actually, I have something
17:36Good
17:37You know, remember all those ideas that I had for the peace talks
17:39That you didn't want to do?
17:40You hated them?
17:41Yep
17:41We're gonna do them
17:41Thank God I kept the harp
17:46Now you don't hover
17:47I know, I got it, I got it
17:48Let's go
17:48I'm with it
17:55Welcome, breathe in, drink wine
18:01See, this is what Stroopstorf has that nobody else has
18:05People who are willing to turn their teen center into a spa
18:08People who come together to make something successful
18:11People who are there for each other
18:14And that is not nothing
18:16Yeah, I mean, I still wish we had something else
18:18But, well, let's go with the spa thing
18:20Papa Duddy Dacus welcomes you
18:23To the Stroopstorf Spa
18:25Where is any level coming in Stroopstorf
18:27Health and Linden
18:29May I carry value
18:30Frau Papa Duddy Dacus
18:32Jan
18:34You did my stank
18:35And the spirit of peace
18:37I threw my ass into it
18:42Relax
18:42Okay
18:43Do you think it's working?
18:44Can you check?
18:45I'm not sure
18:45Just see if they're happy
18:46See if it's working
18:47Um, well, I mean, they don't
18:50They don't look happy
18:51But they, maybe they're, like, calm
18:53They look calm?
18:53What is calm?
18:54So they're calm or not happy?
18:55Well, they look, like, relaxed
18:56I don't know, I mean...
18:56That's good
18:57You have to
18:57Hey!
18:59Oh, okay
19:00General Martin, I am so sorry
19:02And I completely understand
19:04If you don't want me in the professional development program
19:06I was able to get the real, real talk started again
19:08Two countries, which I cannot disclose
19:10Are right now having discussions in the sauna
19:1264 degrees Celsius really loosens folks up
19:14Is that hot?
19:16Look, you screwed up, but you fixed it
19:18And that's where the real skill lies
19:19Not everything has to be perfect
19:20Now, I gotta get back there to that weird masseuse
19:23To get rid of this knot in my neck
19:24Well, I could get that
19:25Thank you, ma'am
19:25No, no, okay
19:27Let me have this
19:28Oh
19:29You may have pulled this one off, Quinns
19:31But when next you fail
19:33Rest assured, I will be there
19:35Okay
19:37Understood, sir
19:39I'm sorry, but if world peace depends on seeing his skinny legs in that robe
19:43I'm not... I can't do it
19:45Couldn't agree more
19:46I'd rather go to war
19:48Whoa!
19:49Is that a bullet wound?
19:51Yeah, really get in there
19:52Okay
19:53Ow!
19:54Oh, I didn't say stop
19:55Okay
19:56Keep going
19:56on.
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