- 6 weeks ago
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TVTranscript
00:00Cardinal Quinn, I want to thank you for allowing me to use USAG Strubsdorf to announce my candidacy for Burger Meister.
00:16And you can thank me personally once you are the Burger Meister.
00:23Do we know why she wants to announce her candidacy here?
00:26It's pretty obvious.
00:27What?
00:28Like, you know, when a woman leaves an earring at a guy's apartment, that's her version.
00:31She needs to prance in here looking fine in that pantsuit for me.
00:34What is it with you in pantsuits?
00:36Come on, they're monochrome, buttons in all the right places.
00:39They leave nothing to the imagination, although I'm still doing my imagination.
00:44Katja is not here to flirt with you.
00:47Oh, really?
00:48She hasn't even talked to you in like three months.
00:50Maggie, you don't know women the way that I know women.
00:52Hello.
00:52I have discovered that the Cardinal, the bowling band from the Lagerbassers, her sloten heeft.
00:58I don't know what she's saying.
00:59She's talking about boy bands, maybe?
01:01I don't.
01:02Unbelievable, you guys.
01:03Learn the language.
01:04Okay.
01:04She's saying...
01:06I heard giraffe.
01:08Oh, really?
01:09You heard?
01:10What would she be talking about?
01:11Jan, can you translate?
01:12Because I don't want to miss any compliments.
01:13Bitte, Beck.
01:15Affle container.
01:16So she said that she discovered that the colonels closed the base's bowling alley.
01:20Bowling band?
01:21The bowling alley was the heartbeat of Stroopstorff Village.
01:24And she vows to fight the American oppressors who introduced the sport to the villages only to rip it away like heartless savages.
01:32This is an ambush.
01:34You know, don't worry about it.
01:34The people here love the base.
01:35We have the Yuli.
01:37USA!
01:38See?
01:39Nah, your goose is cooked.
01:40Yeah.
01:40She just asked, who do you hate?
01:43Everyone hates you.
01:44USA!
01:46USA!
02:05Hey, Kaja!
02:07Listen, I know you're mad at me.
02:09And I know why.
02:10Because you need to hear a couple of words from me.
02:14I am so very willing to take you back.
02:21Okay?
02:22So, clean slate.
02:23Start over.
02:24And can you just get up there now and call the dogs off, all right?
02:27Your absolute non-apology is meaningless.
02:32You've exploited our relationship and my trust.
02:35Why would I take you back?
02:36Because women do it all the time, normally with me.
02:39Patrick, I have too much self-respect to be in a relationship with you again.
02:44But this pantsuit?
02:47Yeah?
02:48Yeah, this was for them, not for you.
02:53Yeah, okay.
02:55She see that?
02:56Yeah.
02:57Embarrassing.
02:57She's still so in love with me.
02:59It's unbelievable.
03:00Yeah, it's certainly embarrassing.
03:02And did you catch the pantsuit?
03:04You know what I'm saying now?
03:04I mean, I hate to see him go, but I love to watch him leave.
03:07Okay, we've got to start creating boundaries.
03:13Oh my God, look at this Katja announcement.
03:15The comments are insane.
03:16People are saying the bowling alley was considered a sacred third space.
03:19Yeah.
03:20I mean, if I'd known that, I would have closed it a lot sooner.
03:23And that is why they call you the doivel.
03:26Damn it.
03:26Been called the devil in six different languages.
03:28I'm proud to add a seventh.
03:29Just a suggestion, but maybe you could consider focusing on de-escalating the situation.
03:37Honey, that's not a real thing.
03:38I know it's a word, but it's not a real thing.
03:40Words are words because they are things.
03:43In the U.S. military, we do not de-escalate.
03:45We escalate and escalate until we can't escalate anymore.
03:48Somebody wins, somebody loses.
03:49In this case, she lost.
03:51She lost something she'll never be able to get back again.
03:53That's what happened to her.
03:55You?
03:55Moa.
03:56That's why she's lashing out.
03:57That's why I have to escalate before she escalates.
04:01Ah!
04:02Did you see that?
04:04Escalation.
04:08I love how Maggie decorated this place.
04:11You know what?
04:11I don't know if it's the runner's eye, but let's split a croissant.
04:14What?
04:15A carby, messy breakfast?
04:17I don't recognize my own husband.
04:21Is everything okay?
04:25Yes and no.
04:26There's something I need to talk to you about.
04:29When we were separated, I made what, in hindsight, were some questionable financial decisions.
04:36Because I was in a lot of pain.
04:38Like how much pain?
04:40I bought a boat with Terrence.
04:41The guy you dated for like three months?
04:42Yeah.
04:43Okay, but you don't even sail.
04:45I know.
04:45I was just using it for recreational activities.
04:48Like water skiing?
04:50Like recreational activities on a boat.
04:55Oh my God, a sex boat?
04:56I was in a bad place, okay?
04:58You think?
04:58I was in a weird time in my life.
05:00Yeah.
05:00I watched a lot of, uh, is it cake on the dark web?
05:04And when it's not cake, you really wish it were cake.
05:08Okay, so what's the interest rate?
05:10Four.
05:10Four.
05:11Forty.
05:12Forty percent?
05:12Fine, this is my problem.
05:15My debt.
05:16I'm going to handle it.
05:17No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
05:18If we're going to make it work, we have to be a team this time, okay?
05:21Okay.
05:21We're going to pay it off together ASAP.
05:23Wow.
05:24You really are the best.
05:25You are the best.
05:26And I can make smarter money choices.
05:28Like this coffee.
05:29I don't need fancy, expensive coffees.
05:31I'm going to try matcha.
05:33Right now?
05:35Thanks.
05:36Oh, hey, Conway.
05:36Have you got any one of those hustles going on?
05:38Provided it's completely legal?
05:40Count me possibly in.
05:41Look, I just don't work with friends.
05:43Good luck, though.
05:45Yo, Shaw.
05:46I couldn't help but overhear about your money troubles with your wife's sex boat.
05:50Okay, Corporal, could you please stop saying sex boat?
05:52Pleasure cruise, bang raft, rub and tug boat?
05:55One more, and you're in the stockade.
05:57Well, you're lucky I only had those.
05:58Look, I have always wanted to do one of Conway's schemes.
06:01Guess what?
06:01We don't need her.
06:03I know one of her contacts.
06:04His name starts with a B or something.
06:05Either way, he's a transport pilot.
06:07Dude will hook me up at cost.
06:09No import fees or taxes.
06:10I am talking wine.
06:11Watches, sneakers, salamis.
06:13Set up a meeting if you want.
06:14They had a lot of different matchas, so I got one of each.
06:19Let's set up that meeting.
06:20Okay.
06:22What are you doing?
06:23She's getting too close.
06:24Haven't you ever tailed a kid before?
06:25No!
06:26He's definitely a child soldier.
06:27Look at the unpredictable path he's taking.
06:29That's called skipping.
06:29No, it's called him being on a recon mission.
06:32Graham, what are you doing?
06:34What the hell is this?
06:35It's the town farmer's market.
06:37It must have really expanded.
06:38What are you doing on U.S. property, huh?
06:40We use the bathrooms over here.
06:41Oh, great, great.
06:42So you hate us, but you come over here to use our bathrooms.
06:44Let me tell you something.
06:45America didn't become the number one country in the history of countries just so you can
06:49go number two wherever you want.
06:51America's only number one in obesity and health care costs.
06:54Hey, and roller coasters.
06:56Yeah, and roller coasters.
06:57Get the hell out of here.
06:58Back in through the hole.
06:59Tell your friends if they come near this hole, I'm going to shoot them.
07:05Yeah, that's right, kid.
07:06I'm the devil.
07:07Go tell your parents.
07:08All right, what do we got?
07:11Watches, purses, salamis.
07:13Even better.
07:16Lobsters.
07:17What?
07:18Bougie, right?
07:20What are you doing?
07:21You never mention live animals.
07:22Okay, when lobsters die, they're worthless.
07:25What are we going to do now?
07:27Well, step number one, we're going to relax.
07:29Okay?
07:30We're going to relax.
07:30We're going to be fine.
07:31We're going to be fine.
07:31Selling these lobsters is going to be as easy as selling lobsters to a...
07:37To a, I don't know.
07:39Yeah.
07:39Man, I don't know who to sell them to.
07:41I don't know how to sell them.
07:42Okay, this could be easier.
07:43It could be very, very hard.
07:43I don't even know how to cook the thing.
07:45All right?
07:45Okay.
07:46I don't know what I'm doing, man.
07:47I'm way into where I am.
07:48Okay, listen.
07:49As a reasonable person who's grounded in reality...
07:52That's what we need right now.
07:53Yep.
07:53I am spinning.
07:54And I am out.
07:56No, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, man.
07:58I don't get your half.
07:59That guy's breaking my legs.
08:01He's not going to break your legs.
08:04He's definitely going to break your legs.
08:06You're the logistics genius.
08:08Okay, okay.
08:11Lobsters.
08:12Lobster fest.
08:13Red lobster.
08:14Rock lobster.
08:15Surf and turf.
08:16Market price.
08:16Market price.
08:17Farmer's market.
08:18That's it.
08:18We can sell them at the farmer's market.
08:19The base.
08:20We can unload them.
08:21Today.
08:22Dude.
08:23I don't know why you're worrying so much, man.
08:25I'm a genius.
08:26Genius.
08:27Here we go.
08:27Here's my half of the lobster money.
08:29Emergency meeting in the conference room right now.
08:31That godforsaken farmer's market has got to go.
08:34You legally committed.
08:36Yeah, I touch the lobster.
08:37You know, they call us names.
08:41They treat us like the enemy.
08:42But then they want to come over here and use our quilted American toilet paper.
08:45I don't think so.
08:46Well, in reality, they're probably just using our bidets.
08:48You're telling me they come over here to wash their asses?
08:50You gotta be kidding me.
08:55They want an enemy.
08:56They got an enemy now.
08:57But it is just a farmer's market.
09:00Yeah.
09:00Where you can buy, I don't know, vegetables, fruit, and very fresh, reasonably priced seafood.
09:05Anybody else craving a lobster roll?
09:06Yeah, me.
09:07I am.
09:07Does Katja really think we're just going to stand here and take this crap?
09:11I mean, we could.
09:11No, no, no.
09:12You know what this means, right?
09:13Well, it means that we could come to a mutually agreed upon solution with our international partners.
09:18What a team.
09:19Father and daughter, as again.
09:21Yeah, I like that.
09:21Team, Quinn.
09:22Quinn, Quinn, Quinn, Quinn.
09:24Or, just playing Dweeville's advocate, we can go to war.
09:28So I think...
09:29War.
09:31Yeah.
09:32War.
09:33Prepare for war.
09:42You've moved past war right into the realm of war crimes.
09:45What are you talking about?
09:46This is very important smoke screen training that we do every year.
09:49Private someone?
09:51Unleash hell.
09:52It's not tear gas or anything, just a little smoke and barely burns.
09:56And you know, it's a very important exercise.
09:58But once it's up in the air and the wind takes over, there's nothing I can really do about it.
10:08And that is how you escalate.
10:17Oh, yeah.
10:19Fire another one.
10:20Hello.
10:20I am going to be speaking in English in a way that the Americans will understand.
10:25So, the people of Struppstorf are, like, really, like, united.
10:31And we are literally declaring an embargo on the base.
10:36Y'all, our town will no longer sell fruit, produce, meat, milk, or eggs to the base.
10:43All you will be left with is your American slop.
10:47So, eat up, you partially hydrogenated little piggies.
10:51Are you excited?
10:53I'm obsessed.
10:54So, she just said, eat up, you American piggies.
10:58I understand English, Jan.
10:59Well, good.
10:59Good.
11:00Then you understand how bad this is.
11:02It's okay.
11:03We're equipped for this.
11:04We are not equipped for this.
11:09I have gotten these soldiers used to a Michelin star level of dining.
11:13And now the chefs refuse to cook their dishes without the finest, freshest ingredients.
11:17So, I have no choice.
11:19We're serving MREs.
11:21It's ceviche Saturday, and now I'm eating Southwest Surprise Chunks.
11:27Surprise.
11:28The chunks are sharp.
11:30I need another vomit bucket.
11:32Okay.
11:32Hey, now will you let me de-escalate this?
11:36Listen, I also know Katya personally, and I feel like I can make some real headway if I come to her on a human level.
11:43Which, obviously, you're not able to do because you are inhuman.
11:47I studied this in college, okay?
11:48So, I'd like to put it into practice.
11:50The problem with these soldiers is they're not tough enough.
11:53That's the real issue.
11:58But you are tough enough, right?
12:01Oh, yeah.
12:02This is stuff that soldiers are supposed to be eating.
12:04MREs.
12:12Oh, go talk to her.
12:13Okay, yeah.
12:14Oh, my God.
12:15Yeah, that's the worst thing I've ever had.
12:17Okay, thank you.
12:17At least get her to let some hot sauce in.
12:19Oh, my.
12:19pH balance looks good.
12:22Now, we just got to keep these babies alive until that river cruise ship docks on Cologne for the weekend.
12:26Old people love a soft meat.
12:28Now, historically, I'm not great at keeping secrets, but this time I am going to do it.
12:32Okay, well, what about your new roommate?
12:33He's really struggling.
12:35Yeah, but since he transferred from Baumholder, I can tell from reading his journal.
12:38It's all, I don't think Papadakis likes me.
12:40I don't think Papadakis respects me.
12:41I think Papadakis is reading my diary.
12:42It's worrying.
12:43No, no, no, no.
12:43I meant, can we trust him?
12:45Probably not.
12:47Oh, hey, uh, Specialist Gideon?
12:49Here he is.
12:50Keeping live animals in the barracks is against the rules.
12:53My God, this guy is such a narc.
12:55Okay, nobody's a narc.
12:56Nobody's a narc.
12:57Oh, no.
12:58I'm a narc.
12:59Okay, don't need to prove it.
13:00Um, how are we going to make this okay?
13:02What do you need?
13:04I want a lobster.
13:06Okay, okay.
13:06Like to eat?
13:07What?
13:08No, to raise.
13:10Let's get him a lobster.
13:11Fine.
13:13Take Darren.
13:16You'll never be his real dad.
13:18Don't say that.
13:19I should have let that guy break your legs.
13:25Katya.
13:26Hi.
13:28I'm here to negotiate a truce with you.
13:31But, you know, we could get to the bottom of this as ladies.
13:34As a couple of ladies.
13:35Yeah.
13:36We cannot let our marginalization as women be weaponized
13:41in the interest of the American Empire.
13:43Be that as it may.
13:44I know neither of us wants this whole thing to get ugly,
13:47and we also know how crazy my dad can get.
13:50I mean, he thought you sent, like, a child soldier to the base the other day.
13:54I did.
13:55Sorry.
13:56What?
13:56Well, he was my tool to provoke a response.
13:59Your father acting the villain made me the hero.
14:03Are you saying that your goal was to escalate the situation?
14:08Of course.
14:09What else is there?
14:10Wow.
14:11You guys were really perfect together.
14:12No.
14:13He is the enemy.
14:14No.
14:14See, that's the thing.
14:15We're not the enemy.
14:16I mean, between us non-marginalized ladies,
14:19the base really brings more value to the community
14:21than it even does to the U.S. military.
14:24So, in other words, it's useless?
14:27Well, uh...
14:30Why are we laughing?
14:37Because I had somebody from the local government
14:40look at the original agreement between the U.S. government
14:43and the town of Strewsdorf,
14:45and he found something in the small print,
14:48and it says,
14:49if the base is rendered useless,
14:51it shall be returned to the Dutch people.
14:54Well, actually, jokes that you have to explain
14:56are not that funny.
14:58We are not going to stop at the farmer's market.
15:01We're going to take back the whole base.
15:04Well, I...
15:08You're telling me Katja wants to take back the base?
15:11Yes.
15:11I know, but I am going to fix it.
15:13I've got a lot of ideas.
15:14Oh, you have a lot of ideas
15:15how to keep me from becoming
15:17the first U.S. military leader in history
15:21to lose land in Europe.
15:22That's what you're telling me?
15:23Your diplomacy thing is done.
15:25You know what's happening?
15:26They're moving the farmer's market to the town square.
15:28We are going to storm it and get our goods back, okay?
15:30So what I need from you right now
15:31is not ideas.
15:32I need four tanks.
15:36Open up.
15:36I know you're hiding shellfish in there.
15:38Oh, so you tried to pull a con without Conway?
15:44This is the most amateur lobster smuggling I've ever seen.
15:48I expected more from you, Shaw.
15:49Yeah, so did I.
15:50I'm surprising myself.
15:51I just wanted a fresh start for Celeste and I.
15:53And I figured if I can move these lobsters,
15:56we have a chance.
15:57Wow, we are not in this for the same reasons.
15:59Of course I'll help you, Shaw.
16:01For 50% of the profits.
16:03Wait, 50%?
16:04I could have gotten money.
16:05Of course, I'm the only one who can fix this.
16:07You have all the power
16:08when you have the ear of the person in power.
16:13Why aren't you all solving this farmer's market crisis?
16:15It involves all the things you love.
16:17Communication, soft power, fresh honey.
16:20True.
16:21Honey never goes bad.
16:24But, you know, I've already tried and failed
16:26at making peace
16:26and my dad trusted me to do it my way
16:29and now he is never going to trust me again.
16:32Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
16:34No one's good at anything their first time,
16:36especially my high school girlfriend.
16:37I mean, you would think
16:38because we have the same parts
16:39that it wouldn't feel like
16:40she was looking for her keys
16:41at the bottom of her purse.
16:43But it did.
16:45Well, that breakup is ugly.
16:46Like Katya and my dad.
16:50I need to get them to really talk.
16:52I should call my ex.
16:53I've been trying to solve
16:55the wrong problem the whole time.
16:56I mean, she has to be better at it by now, right?
16:58Right.
16:59Right.
17:00Anyways.
17:01Yeah.
17:01You get out there
17:02and you let your diplomat flag fly.
17:05Yes.
17:05Okay.
17:06Put this.
17:11Katya, a moment.
17:12You know, they sell blow dryers
17:14on every street corner.
17:15Okay.
17:16You know,
17:17shutting down the base hurts you.
17:19This embargo hurts you
17:20and moving forward with the fine print
17:22is mutually assured destruction.
17:24Well, sometimes you need to be broken down
17:26to be built back up.
17:28Like my father in the bedroom.
17:30Yeah, I got it.
17:31These are your poll numbers.
17:33Okay.
17:34You see, the people aren't really blaming my dad
17:37for closing the farmer's market.
17:38They're blaming you.
17:39You need to talk to me.
17:42Well, not me, exactly.
17:44Okay.
17:44I will not eat Indian food,
17:46too much curry,
17:47not enough ketchup.
17:48Dad, sit.
17:49I brought the ketchup.
17:52There is not a problem
17:54between the base and the town.
17:55There is a problem
17:56between the two of you
17:57and we are not leaving this table
17:59until you two figure out
18:00how to get over this breakup
18:02without causing
18:02an international incident.
18:07And if you don't start talking,
18:08I will have to escalate
18:09with the king of heartbreak,
18:12Phil Collins.
18:14Play, take a look at me now.
18:15No, no, no, no, no.
18:16No, please, we'll talk.
18:17We'll talk.
18:19I did wear the pantsuit for you.
18:27She says she's proud to announce
18:29that the farmer's market
18:30and the base came to a resolution.
18:32They will give land to the town
18:33and the town will give new land
18:35to the beds.
18:36And now, rather than standing
18:37on borrowed ground,
18:38we once again stand on Dutch soil.
18:41Oof, how joyous.
18:42Okay, I'm going to get a smoothie.
18:43And thank you, Colonel Quinn.
18:45And I ask you all to please
18:46support my candidacy for Buhermeister.
18:50So, is this good for us?
18:52I think Katz is going to win
18:53in a landslide.
18:55How do you like your new territory?
18:57First American military leader
18:59to gain land in Europe
19:00and gives them back too,
19:01but the press release
19:01won't get that far.
19:02I mean, listen,
19:03we got a plum tree
19:04and they got a little piece of land
19:06with a broken sewage system
19:08because they flushed a bunch
19:09of our MREs down in their toilets
19:11I couldn't resist.
19:11That's basically like
19:13southwestern cement.
19:14And I gotta say,
19:15you know what?
19:16You really would make
19:17a great politician.
19:18Really?
19:18Yeah, you're really good
19:19at dealing with difficult people
19:20like Katja, you know?
19:23Yeah, well,
19:24I have to admit
19:25there really was something
19:26to the whole escalation thing
19:28after all.
19:29Oh God, that Phil Collins thing
19:30was just brutal.
19:32Those are so good.
19:33Really?
19:33Mm-hmm.
19:34Laundry, cheese, plums.
19:36I like the sound of it.
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