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00:00Look, I know we've only been seeing each other for, like, three weeks, but I really wanted you to meet my dad.
00:07It's okay. I'm great with parents.
00:09And he's just like any other parent, you know, except he has experience in gathering information and breaking enemy combatants.
00:15I thought he loved woodworking.
00:16Well, that's to sharpen his knife collection.
00:19Well, well, hello.
00:21Good morning.
00:24What exactly is happening?
00:25Oh, it's nothing weird. You know, this is just a standard background check.
00:29He does it for every guy I introduce him to, so it's a fun surprise for both of us.
00:32A background check.
00:34Michael Avery Grant, correct?
00:36Yes.
00:37Age 36, graduated with Honor's Speech Pathology.
00:40Teaching kids to learn to communicate is my true joy.
00:44Yeah, and I ran a check on your criminal record, and that came up spotless.
00:49Of course. I knew it.
00:50There was one detail that bothered me, which is that you're currently married?
00:55Married?
00:56I can explain.
00:57Uh, the divorce isn't final, but we're separated.
01:00Well, that's fine. You know, sometimes love doesn't last forever.
01:03Yes, but the part that bothered me is that your wife's grandmother and your grandmother, they share the same last name.
01:09Okay, well, not a lot of people share the same last name. It's not a big deal.
01:13My ex-wife is my cousin.
01:17Ha!
01:17Ha! But only my first cousin.
01:19Whoa!
01:20Mike, that is the closest kind.
01:21No, but why is it fine for kings to do it?
01:23It's not!
01:24That's why we loved Lady Di. She was the only one who didn't look sickly.
01:27Yeah, she's the only one with a chin.
01:29Mike, wait, Mike.
01:31Leave.
01:31I have the worst taste in men.
01:35You really do, honey. I mean, you line them up, it's just loser, loser, loser, loser, loser.
01:40Yeah, I get it.
01:40Yeah.
01:41But, you know, love is forever.
01:43Especially when you marry your cousin.
01:46We're gonna laugh about this later.
01:48You're laughing now.
01:48I know. It's just so funny.
02:09You know this is giving divorced dad, right?
02:13Taking your sad daughter to ice cream to make her feel better.
02:16What's next?
02:17Eating cold hot dogs over the sink?
02:18Meeting your lady friend at the dog track?
02:21Is the ice cream making you feel better?
02:23Yeah.
02:24Okay.
02:25Then it's doing its job.
02:26If the Red Sox can break the curse of the Bambino, you can definitely break the curse of dating bad men.
02:31Do you know why I'm cursed, dad?
02:33Why I pick bad men?
02:35No. Why?
02:37Well, I'll give you a hint.
02:38He's driving the van.
02:40How could it be my fault?
02:41You can't have daddy issues if your dad was never around.
02:44Do you hear yourself?
02:46Yes!
02:46There are way worse dads than me.
02:49Name one.
02:49Stalin.
02:50One.
02:51Bing Crosby.
02:52Two.
02:52Number three.
02:53Marvin Gaye's dad shot him.
02:54So you look at those guys, all of a sudden...
02:56You're the fourth worst dad.
02:57That's not what I was gonna...
02:59Dad, this is serious.
03:01I'm...
03:01I'm starting to think that I'm gonna die alone.
03:05You're not gonna die alone.
03:06Really?
03:07Yeah, I'm gonna be there.
03:08The military's gonna download my brain into some kind of Terminator-style robot, and then, you know, I'll outlive you by, like, probably a thousand years.
03:16Hey, what the hell's this?
03:19What am I looking at?
03:21Well, based on the signs I'm reading that you could also read, these are Belgian separatists.
03:26They're demonstrating because they want to form their own country.
03:29I already don't respect Belgium because it's basically Luxembourg with better PR.
03:32Now they want to form a tinier, lamier country.
03:35Lamier?
03:36Yeah.
03:38Dad, Dad, Dad, what are you doing?
03:40That was so rude.
03:42How dare you?
03:43But how can you put your drapeau like that?
03:45Oh, that was their flag.
03:47Well, they ought to work on that because it looked like a sheet to me.
03:51Happy Friday.
03:54Happy Friday.
03:56Oh, no.
03:57No, no, no, we're not doing that.
03:58This weekend is the better opportunities for single soldiers.
04:01Happy Hopper.
04:02Yes, we're going to get you over that cousin Hopper.
04:05Hey, he was a cousin Marrier, okay?
04:07He put a ring on it.
04:08It was their grandmother's.
04:10Um, you know, I was only ever really into Mike because I thought that he was the perfect
04:14guy to help me get over Shaw, and now I have two guys to get over.
04:18Just come out tomorrow.
04:20Look, my picker is so bad.
04:23The only good pick I've ever had was Shaw.
04:25Girl, he is married.
04:26Good point.
04:27Okay, look, this isn't a regular singles mixer.
04:29This is Maggie-proof.
04:31I had Papadakis hack into the invite list, and the first thing we did was get rid of
04:35all the women.
04:36And second, I invited the best officers from nearby bases, Europe, and beyond.
04:41Okay, I'm talking criminal crap, top of the top, all for you.
04:44Wait, so you're telling me that you basically designed my own personal episode of The Bachelorette?
04:49Yes, and you can immediately go to fantasy suites, and I won't be judging, but I will
04:54want details.
04:55And if my bad picker tries to eat it...
04:57No, no, no, it won't.
04:58Look, because there is not a bad pick in the...
05:00Batch.
05:00You can't lose.
05:01Genius.
05:02I'm in.
05:08There's nothing like finishing the last item on your to-do list by 1,500?
05:12This must be what drugs feel like.
05:14If you, uh, come down from your high soon enough, there's a Bruins game on pretty late
05:18tomorrow night at my house.
05:19Actually, that sounds good.
05:20Yeah, I can use a little break from Celeste.
05:22Just that now that we're living together again, I don't know how much talking goes into a marriage.
05:25I mean, you have to, like, live your day, then you have to recap your day, then you
05:27have to listen to them recap their day, you have to live two days.
05:29Oh, God.
05:30You come to my house?
05:31Yeah.
05:31None of that.
05:32All right.
05:32Right?
05:33Oh.
05:35Quinn.
05:36Bonjour, this is Bastien, the leader of the Belgian separatist movement.
05:40Ah.
05:41Yeah.
05:41Don't recognize the name.
05:42Did we go to high school together?
05:44I was protesting in front of your base, and you drove through a flag, and that was disrespectful.
05:48No, I drove through a sheet, okay, that was blocking the entrance to my army base.
05:54You were trespassing on U.S. soil.
05:56Now, I demand a public apology.
05:57Let me tell you something, pal.
05:58You're barking up the wrong tree.
05:59I have never apologized for anything in my life.
06:01Not one thing.
06:01I didn't even apologize when I missed my daughter's birth.
06:04Oh, you will apologize.
06:05Or else what?
06:06I don't have an or else.
06:08We're a nonviolent movement.
06:09You gotta have an or else when you're making demands, okay?
06:11It's just, like, that's day one stuff.
06:14So, anyways, thanks for calling.
06:16I needed the laugh.
06:17And, uh, I'll never talk to you again.
06:19Bye-bye.
06:20Okay, I traced the call.
06:21I will notify Stroopstorf police.
06:23All three of them.
06:23That'll teach him to threaten the U.S. Army.
06:25Go slap the cuffs on his pervert ass.
06:27Wait, how do you know he's a pervert?
06:28Well, he speaks French.
06:29Hello, military boys.
06:36I only know how to make my ties and trouble, but I'm really good at making both.
06:41Ooh.
06:42Yes, you're good.
06:42I'm good.
06:44Yeah.
06:44Wow, this is, uh, amazing.
06:47I feel like I'm in a Jane Austen novel, except I can inherit property.
06:51Hey, are we at all concerned that these many men will be disappointed that there is only one woman to talk to?
06:55Oh, Handle, allow me to introduce you to the amazing Papadakis?
07:00Amazing Papadakis!
07:01Okay, so what's happening?
07:04Oh, so Papadakis is going to entertain the rest of the men with some up-close magic while you pull a bombshell for a chat.
07:10Hey.
07:10Oh, I thought you were the magician.
07:12Every great magish needs a less talented assist.
07:16Pick a card, any card.
07:18Now put it back in the deck.
07:20Now, check Papadakis' front chest pocket.
07:24I know nothing's in there.
07:25Okay.
07:26I have very sensitive nipples.
07:28Those are a gift from God, and you should cherish them.
07:32Unless...
07:32Is this your card?
07:34Yeah!
07:35Gideon, you're so good!
07:36Uh, no.
07:37I'm the magician.
07:38I pulled the card from my pocket.
07:40He just does all the technical stuff that leads up to the reveal.
07:42Isn't that the magic?
07:43No.
07:43Magic is about charisma and charm, which I have in spades.
07:47You are full of spades!
07:48Oh, Gideon, yes!
07:51Hunts and props.
07:52Who are you, Carrot Top?
07:53Just keep the men from leaving.
07:54And otherwise, I'm gonna make you two disappear.
07:56Now, let's go find your soulmate.
07:58Mm-hmm.
07:58Mm-hmm.
07:58I wonder how Maggie's big night is.
08:10Maggie's what?
08:10Conway's throwing Maggie her big, uh, boss dating event as a sort of factory reset for
08:15her love life.
08:16Oh.
08:16It's good that she's getting some help, especially after that last guy, because he really did
08:20a number on her.
08:20Oh, yeah.
08:21Which, you know, is her fault, because she picked a bike.
08:27Like, it doesn't have anything to do with me, right?
08:30What?
08:31This is gonna sound crazy, but she said to me that, you know, it was my fault that she
08:37picks bad guys.
08:39You know, Freud did have a lot to say about parental dynamics affecting adult relationships,
08:43which, you know, he was a cocaine-addled freak, so I think we're in the clear there.
08:46Yeah, a lot of other psychologists think the same.
08:48You'd be surprised how many people are on coke.
08:54Yeah, Quinn.
08:54Bonsoir, Colonel.
08:55What the hell?
08:56Why is your pervert ass not in jail?
08:58I was released on bail since I am no flight risk.
09:00I will stay here forever to fight for my country.
09:02Country, yes.
09:03Like, you're made-up country.
09:04It's like saying, I'm gonna take a bullet for Narnia.
09:07I'm calling you with your or else.
09:08Okay.
09:09I'm here to destroy something that you care about, and, uh, don't bother tracing the call,
09:14because it's coming from inside the base.
09:15Well, hey, you don't hang up on me, you...
09:18Okay, wait.
09:18Did we just turn a separatist into a terrorist?
09:20No.
09:21This guy's a non-violent terrorist, which is like saying you're a castrated gigolo.
09:25You know what I mean?
09:26He's unhinged.
09:27And if he wants an unhinged competition, he came to the right guy.
09:30A lot of punches are gonna be thrown.
09:31I'm gonna bring my brass knuckles to this party.
09:33Let's go to Narnia.
09:34We implemented an exterior lockdown.
09:38MPs are patrolling our foot and by car.
09:40Well, it's stupid Belgians.
09:42They're just so...
09:44Well, I don't know what they are, actually, because I never cared enough to research the
09:48stereotypes.
09:49I did.
09:50They are everything that is bad about the French without anything that is good about the French.
09:53If he's gonna sabotage something, it's gonna be the cheese.
09:57Hey.
09:58Let's go, let's go, let's go.
09:59Come on.
10:00Let's go.
10:02Is that a picture of Gideon holding your card?
10:10That's my phone.
10:16Hey.
10:17We got a situation.
10:18One of the Belgian protesters has infiltrated the base and is threatening sabotage.
10:22Sabotage?
10:23Yeah.
10:23Here?
10:24Yeah.
10:24Okay, what is he gonna do?
10:25Pee and our cheese?
10:26Well?
10:27Oh, my God.
10:28Is he gonna pee and our cheese?
10:29We need to shut this event down.
10:31No.
10:31Maggie is just getting started.
10:32And Papadakis is gonna saw Gideon in half, and you know he doesn't know how to do that.
10:36Okay, well, maybe we could stay here and just, like, block the exits.
10:39What are you, nuts?
10:40We have a fox in the henhouse, okay?
10:41We need to stop him before he does real damage.
10:43Well, with Maggie's taste of men, she'll probably find him right away.
10:46Because she's kind of like a magnet for losers.
10:48That's the plan.
10:49Perfect.
10:50I was joking.
10:51That is morally reprehensible.
10:52Morally reprehensible.
10:53Absolutely not.
10:54It's a perfect plan.
10:55She leads us to the guy.
10:56You distract her.
10:57We grab the guy.
10:58She's none the wiser.
10:58She starts talking to some other guy.
10:59I don't want to do that.
11:00Okay.
11:01How can you be so sure that she's gonna find him?
11:02Because she's always looking for the next jerk like Rick Silver, okay?
11:05So, here she comes.
11:06Just be cool.
11:06Be cool.
11:07Hey!
11:07Hey!
11:08Hi!
11:08What are you guys doing here?
11:10We are here to cheer you on.
11:13Go Maggie Gwynn Dates.
11:16Stop.
11:16You meet anybody special at all?
11:18I can't say that anyone's really giving me, like, the jolt.
11:21Yeah.
11:21Of the jolt?
11:22Oh, you know the jolt.
11:23Like, the whip of danger, the thrill of the unknown.
11:26I'll get a little tingle in my heart.
11:29Yeah.
11:29Like she got with Rick Silver, right?
11:31Oh, yeah.
11:31Yeah.
11:32Rick Silver's on a liar, cheater, and a spy.
11:34Yeah.
11:34Liar, cheater, spy.
11:35For America.
11:37You know what, honey?
11:38The important thing is not to give up.
11:41Look at me.
11:42I got, you know, three divorces down, and I'm still looking for my fourth, you know?
11:47So, just go out there and get a jolt.
11:49Okay.
11:50I'll go back to what I was doing before.
11:51Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:51Yeah.
11:51Great.
11:52All right.
11:52All your instincts, look for the jolt.
11:54All right.
11:54So, she's gonna lead us right to the French perv, and then we grab him, black bag him.
12:00Black bag him?
12:02Yeah, we never lead home without it.
12:03All right.
12:03Let's fan out.
12:04Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:08Thank you very much.
12:11Okay, go ahead.
12:12Oh, my God.
12:12I love dogs.
12:14Oh.
12:14Oh, so these aren't your dogs.
12:16These are just photos of random corgis.
12:21That's cool.
12:24Wow.
12:25Oh, so you deliver sanitary products of developing nations.
12:27As a male feminist, it's important to connect to menstruation.
12:31You say menstruation a lot.
12:33Would it be better if I said menses?
12:35No, that's a lot worse.
12:41What is that accent?
12:44It just makes my tailbone tingle, and why are you here?
12:47Oh, well, I'm just here hoping to meet somebody from the base tonight.
12:50Maybe.
12:50No, I'm tempted, but this night is not about me.
12:53You should talk to Captain Maggie.
12:54Maybe she's the star of the evening.
12:56Captain, huh?
12:57Mm-hmm.
13:05She's smiling, and he has a Belgian beard.
13:10Oh, she's into him.
13:12And we have physical contact.
13:13You're really funny.
13:16Nobody's that funny.
13:18I'm going to get water, but I'll be back.
13:26Thank you very much.
13:28Come on.
13:28Let's go.
13:29Okay.
13:29Yep.
13:29I'll go.
13:30Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:31Yep, yep.
13:32Get in there.
13:34That's right.
13:35Get in that chair.
13:36Got him.
13:36Got him.
13:36Go.
13:37Yeah.
13:40Ha-ha!
13:42Yeah.
13:42I hope this country you're forming has free health care, pal, because I'm going to put a
13:45boot so far up your ass, you're going to need five doctors to get it out.
13:48He'll do it, man.
13:48You better listen to him.
13:49He's crazy, man.
13:50I haven't done anything.
13:51I just met Maggie, and she seems so easy.
13:54Hey!
13:54Hey!
13:55Easy to talk to!
13:55Easy to talk to!
13:57Geez.
13:58I thought you were the good cop.
13:59Sorry, buddy.
14:00You're stuck in a room with two bad cops.
14:01Where's the accent, Belgian boy?
14:02Huh?
14:03What happened to me?
14:03I'm an American.
14:04Liar!
14:05Okay?
14:05I saw Maggie talk to you at the party.
14:07You were the guy she was most interested in.
14:08That means you must be the biggest piece of garbage in the room.
14:11That's just science.
14:12She was laughing at me.
14:13I'm vegan.
14:15I told her I don't need anything with a face.
14:16You said that out loud to a woman.
14:20Colonel, we got the wrong guy.
14:22That means...
14:23Wait, you still haven't told me your name.
14:26Oh, my name is Bobby.
14:29And it's a real pleasure to officially meet you, Captain Maggie of Struppstorf.
14:33And you're not sure how you ended up at this party?
14:39Oh, I mean, I just walked through the door.
14:41But I can tell you all the roads I took that let me here.
14:44Yes, it is a real saw.
14:47What do you think I am, a hack?
14:48Let's do this.
14:50Wow, I think we're going to be in the splash zone.
14:53Then maybe we should get out of here.
14:55Yeah.
14:56Hey, so in your country, can you marry your cousin?
14:58No.
15:00Music to my ears.
15:01Let's go.
15:01Voila?
15:06I know it's just laundry, but these facilities are as impressive as everyone said.
15:10Hmm.
15:12Well, it's nice to be talked about.
15:14Sturdy.
15:15And not to brag, but we do laundry for a lot of important bases all over Europe.
15:20Come on.
15:21I'm sure you have more than that to brag about.
15:24So, Bobby.
15:26Mm-hmm.
15:26Tell me more about yourself.
15:28What, uh, gets you out of bed in the morning?
15:33Don't love, but, uh, my love for my country.
15:37Same.
15:38Really?
15:38Same.
15:39I'm literally wearing red, white, and blue underwear right now, so...
15:42Well, there's a reason we both became soldiers, I guess.
15:46To fight for something that we truly believe in.
15:53Uh, are the lights flickering in here?
15:55I would describe it as more of a jolt.
15:58You're talking about the lights.
15:59Yeah, yeah.
16:00Uh, well, we've had, uh, electrical problems in the past, so it could be.
16:04But, you know.
16:05Hey, I can fix it.
16:06Just show me the breaker box.
16:07Oh.
16:08Yeah.
16:08Uh, handy.
16:10Mm-hmm.
16:10Yeah, I'll, uh, show you the breaker box.
16:12Mm-hmm.
16:15Clear.
16:15You know we have keys for all these doors, right?
16:16What's more important to you?
16:18Door jams or freedom?
16:20Bastion just turned on his phone.
16:22Okay, gotta ping on the location.
16:24Okay, Maggie and Bastion are in the laundry room.
16:25Let's go, let's go, let's go.
16:25Hang on, one sec.
16:27Okay.
16:28Are you done?
16:30What?
16:31What?
16:32Yeah, so I think that the breaker box is somewhere in there.
16:35But, uh, the electricity is here.
16:43I have to tell you, Bobby, that my instincts are usually pretty terrible.
16:49I just pick all the wrong people for all different kinds of reasons that we don't have to get into.
16:53But I stopped trusting myself, you know?
16:55But tonight has given me hope that I can trust myself again.
16:58So, thank you.
16:59Is it in here, or is it?
17:00Oh, no.
17:01Your phone background is the Belgian separatist flag.
17:03I'm no dummy.
17:04And it's an ugly flag.
17:05No!
17:06Did you just duck me in?
17:08Hey, hey, open the door!
17:12Hmm.
17:13Damn it.
17:14Yeah.
17:14He's gone.
17:16You know what?
17:18This is your fault.
17:19It's not my fault.
17:20You know, you always do this.
17:22Do what?
17:22You always put your job before Maggie, and you did it again.
17:26There's a room full of nice guys over there waiting for her right now, and she's not there.
17:29Why isn't she there?
17:31Because of me.
17:33Okay?
17:33I get it.
17:36In my defense.
17:37Hey!
17:38Oh, Maggie!
17:39Hi.
17:39Hi.
17:40There's a Belgian separatist that's running around the base.
17:43Yeah, yeah, I know.
17:44I, uh, I caught him.
17:45I trapped him in the laundry office.
17:47Oh, you caught him?
17:47Yeah, I knew something was up.
17:48He was way too into laundry.
17:51Yes.
17:51I'll just...
17:53You'll never...
17:53Oh, yeah.
17:54Okay.
17:54All right, listen, um, you were right, and you do...
18:00You deserve an apology.
18:02You don't have to actually apologize.
18:06I really am sorry.
18:06I've been a really lousy, uh, role model, and I, I'm now, and I'm here, and I should try
18:15to be a better one.
18:18Okay.
18:18Oh, oh, it's okay, baby.
18:20No, it's fine.
18:20I'm sorry.
18:21No, I interrupted.
18:23You go on.
18:24Oh, no, no, that was, that was it.
18:25Oh, I thought you would...
18:27There's, like, more to be sorry for.
18:29Well, honey, I kind of meant that was like a blanket apology, so it wasn't...
18:33Oh, what about, uh, missing my birth?
18:35Your mother and I had a conversation about the following week that...
18:38Never teaching me how to ride a bike.
18:39I couldn't find a helmet that fit your head, because your head's obviously...
18:42Okay, what about never telling me that you love me?
18:44I came so close on 9-11.
18:49But this...
18:49I am peacefully resisting.
18:50Work!
18:51Hey, what's up?
18:52So, so much cologne, bud.
18:54Hey, can I still call you?
18:56Yeah.
18:56No.
18:57No, no.
18:57No.
18:58You won't be calling anybody for a long time.
19:00Let's go.
19:01You know what?
19:02You can call your lawyer.
19:03How about that?
19:04Should we get you back to that party?
19:05Nah.
19:06I don't think any of those guys are the right guy for me, you know?
19:11Yeah.
19:13Yes.
19:15He was tall, though.
19:17A little too tall.
19:20Oh, hey, dude.
19:22Oh, hey.
19:23Thank you again for tonight.
19:24And look, I'm sorry it didn't work out, but hey, at least this time you realized you picked
19:29a bad guy.
19:30Oh, yes.
19:31Progress.
19:33Look, sometimes you don't get what you want, and you get what you need.
19:36And turns out I needed to watch my dad speed date 50 men for me.
19:39Who's your favorite quarterback?
19:41Um, I don't actually like American football.
19:44Bye-bye.
19:44Dad.
19:46What am I supposed to talk to him about on Thanksgiving?
19:48You don't come to Thanksgiving.
19:49I'm coming to Thanksgiving starting this year.
19:52Oh.
19:55Sarcastic applause.
19:56That's what you give me.
19:57You get that from your mother.
19:58Favorite quarterback?
19:59That's what you give me, right?
19:59That's what you give me, right?
19:59That's what you give me.
19:59That's what you give me.
19:59That's what you give me, right?
19:59That's what you give me.
20:00That's what you give me.
20:00That's what you give me.
20:01That's what you give me.
20:01That's what you give me.
20:02That's what you give me.
20:02That's what you give me.
20:03That's what you give me.
20:04That's what you give me.
20:04That's what you give me.
20:05That's what you give me.
20:05That's what you give me.
20:06That's what you give me.
20:06That's what you give me.
20:07That's what you give me.
20:08That's what you give me.
20:09That's what you give me.
20:10That's what you give me.
20:11That's what you give me.
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