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00:02you want to make the base useful let us build something useful on the base but in order to do
00:06that of course i have to charm the appropriations committee and then we have to deal with those
00:09vacuous vote whores in washington dc it's a vicious cycle oh that's oh my god that really
00:17opened up we agreed i had the night off oh yeah listen it's your anniversary happy anniversary
00:24thank you we can talk about it tomorrow oh well tomorrow's saturday and we should hit it hard on
00:28monday the universal day for starting work and also funding requests aren't due for another six
00:32weeks so i know the key to staying one step ahead is being two steps ahead at all times last
00:37summer
00:37we weren't and we got some funding for what the stupid frisbee golf course that nobody likes well
00:41it's actually called disc golf and it's pretty popular i played with some people in college
00:45the throw bros yeah but now we're soldiers not stoner virgins afraid of real sports listen you
00:50guys enjoy it's your anniversary enjoy the dinner and i'm taking this with me that's that's his one
00:56you can have mine
01:01abe did you not tell him we were going away this weekend no i did he just hasn't approved my
01:05leave
01:06yet but don't worry about it i've succeeded in getting leave last minute before yeah after a
01:10protracted game of cat and mouse i was able to attend half my uncle's funeral oh thank you
01:17from the colonel congrats no one thought you'd make it did you get the note
01:43so hey i just wanted to run something by you um it's celeste's idea but i'm on board too it's
01:47a
01:48little unconventional oh i know what's going on she wants to do weird sex stuff right no no no you
01:52know
01:52what happens is when a relationship starts to go south of a marriage yeah they read a cosmo article
01:56the next thing you know fingers are going places they should never be going right listen you're
02:00vanilla yeah and that's okay yeah because vanilla is the world's most popular flavor for a reason
02:04a little help for me look at this this is why i hate saturdays right because it's like you and
02:10me
02:10are the only two people working we sure are i just need to ask you for this weekend off for
02:14my
02:14anniversary once again you know i promise to work the next five saturdays which is plenty of time to
02:19finish by the deadline i don't want to cut it that close and also i i gave you a day
02:22to celebrate
02:23your anniversary that's all you need you're celebrating a day in your life with a day
02:26my little frisbee go have you seen a little disc hey jan this yours yes it has my name on
02:33it yeah
02:33yeah okay let me show you something pal this disc belongs to me now oh my god what are you
02:38doing
02:39here i thought you were going on your big trip to bruges i saw celeste's anniversary post that said
02:43y'all were cruising for a bruising we were supposed to go today but then the colonel's making me work
02:47can't you just have somebody fill in okay yeah i'm just gonna go to the sha store and find some
02:50extra sha watch some sha in order i'm so sorry i'm freaking out right now okay okay look i have
02:55people feeling for me all the time remember last week we had that inventory meeting on zoom that wasn't
03:00me that was regina from special ops okay but she did a presentation yeah we face swapped and she lip
03:05synced all you need to do is find yourself a regina and swap her in okay so it's like the
03:09indiana
03:10jones hand switch thing he swaps the golden statue for a bag of sand i just need to find a
03:14bag of
03:14sand a bag of sand with nothing better to do dare me to drink this hot sauce we share a
03:22bathroom so
03:23no too late oh that's a good bag of sand yeah it really is i need to go use our
03:28bathroom no no just
03:29use the use the teen centers hey uh hey come on in is everything okay yeah why wouldn't it be
03:43oh no i i mean you did comment on celeste's anniversary post so oh yeah well that's the
03:49polite thing to do yeah you also commented hashtag love wins with six fire emojis yeah yeah that's i mean
03:54it had to be convincing well i'm not convinced so that's why i'm gonna ask you one more time
03:59are you okay what a person who's not okay be pulling off a hat like this oh and you are
04:07pulling
04:08it off i'm doing i know it what is this it is rosé all day pink okay look i know
04:14that you're not over
04:15the situation with celeste and shaw but this is no time to be making emotionally charged hair choices
04:21it's not it's just a streak a terrible streak yeah a terrible streak yeah that's it i'm taking
04:27you off base you never take me off base especially on the weekends you didn't even let me drive you
04:32to urgent care that time you found your car in a ditch i'm willing to make an exception in light
04:36up this craft for help streak we gotta get this fixed asap you coming with me to my salon okay
04:40don't
04:41forget that off the base privileges can be revoked immediately if you can't hang oh i can hang
04:46no hat no hat ankle chain yeah of course i'm yeah yeah listen in the words of my grandmother when
04:56i pushed her down the slip and slide i just don't think this is a good idea the colonel already
04:59loves
05:00you really yeah yeah it's unconditional hey it's there no he doesn't not yet at least listen people
05:06need to be exposed to me in low doses to build up a tolerance it's like babies with peanuts right
05:11now if i give the colonel just a little bit of puppete every day 20 years from now he's best
05:15man at my wedding what about if i teach you everything you need to know then we can cut
05:18it down to 10 i don't know if i'm gonna meet a model that likes me by then who am
05:25i kidding
05:27okay i got pretty good people instincts and i know when someone's desperate like this
05:31you should probably trust him i'm in yeah what do i need to bring nothing just your computer
05:36and a high tolerance for verbal abuse all right what snacks like sweet or savory snacks oh you don't
05:40need to worry about that the colonel only eats beef jerky when he's working it's his perfect food
05:43meat gum oh and by the way under no circumstances defend waiting in lines geneva conventions or
05:48paddington so let's go i got a training catch come on
05:54hey thank you so much for bringing me to your cool secret salon okay i'm just a regular person
05:59always good to see you zelda
06:06look me bringing you to my salon and me letting you in on my personal life are two different things
06:10i live in a moral gray area i don't need people know much about me well you know my deepest
06:14darkest
06:14secrets they're not that dark one day they might be i'm i'm just trying to get you to open up
06:20yeah
06:31another kissing okay come on hey hey hey is everything uh chill out here yeah chill who is this blowout
06:39with the sad eyes your new partner don't worry about it she doesn't tell me anything either
06:44well i got it over the border you can take it from here hi oh yikes it seems like a
06:54tricky
06:54situation is she um like a friend of yours or if saddled her maybe we talked about this no we
06:59didn't
06:59oh yeah we did no we didn't and i would like to
07:05just like hacking with some friends what's up colonel what's he doing here oh well with only six weeks to
07:12write our three page request we need a shortcut and papadaka's here is our shortcut he's gonna
07:16hack into the other bases proposals and give us an unfair advantage i like the sound of that yeah
07:21fairness is overrated hey you have not earned meat gum my friend okay well i'm already in the
07:30usa gv spot and back door looks like they're requesting five million dollars to promote
07:37mental health unbelievable a bunch of paddington's right we don't need to go
07:41near controversial topics no no no what is your opinion of paddington soldier
07:48there's another word for a bear that lives in your house rent-free eating your marmalade
07:52a bum that's the one thank you this little bear he's got no job but he's got a briefcase what's
07:57in the briefcase you tell me i'll tell you what's in the briefcase not pants he doesn't wear any
08:01you know what i like the cut of your jib have yourself some meat gum
08:07hey okay all right look at this dynamic deal it's like uh i don't even need to be here right
08:12what what am i doing here right what are you doing here
08:19i like hacking i know it's a nerd word but it's the only thing about computers i think sounds tough
08:24like gene hackman hacksaw ridge wow i really wish i knew something about computers since today's task
08:28seems pretty computer dependent we're okay here i think you can go ahead and take your little trip
08:33now trip yeah oh the trip oh yeah i actually totally forgot about it i mean i could check
08:37on tickets if they're still available great go have fun and we'll see you later if you need me you
08:40know all right you can get out of here bud just you know making sure you're all set dynamic duo
08:48you ever seen indiana jones when he pulls a little sandbag switch he thinks he got away with
08:56it till the big boulder comes rumbling thundering down after him you know why because the boulder
09:03wasn't fooled i'm the boulder i only saw the one with shia labeouf i'm a bit lost
09:13so yeah you seem pretty down and i'm just wondering if it has anything to do with that
09:16woman who kissed you and slapped you and gave you a bag what's in the bag nothing you need to
09:23worry
09:23about well no i'm not worried i'm just you know asking questions as a friend and sometimes friends
09:27answer i gotta go in here i'll be right back
09:41i know it's last minute yeah it's over three kilos but i'll i'll still take care of it for you
09:47oh i
09:48appreciate you laura's you know i owe you all right you want to leave it here oh no no i
09:52feel
09:52much safer with it with me bless you oh that's just my friend you know what there's no way anything
10:01was going to stop this anniversary trip and the girl was pretty cool about it not that i'm thinking
10:04about the colonel but you know what just call me colin farrell because my head is already in brook
10:09oh i guess that makes me friend english oh well he's a good actor hey hey a little help hey
10:15you
10:15guys uh heading out on your little anniversary trip huh sure are yeah what are you two doing out here
10:20i thought you were working in that you hated disc golf you know what i apologize for that because
10:24now i realize the error of my ways papadakis and i were working away my brain was melting staring at
10:29that computer while we were hacking and he said i know the perfect antidote he says disc golf before i
10:33can say no he says how can you say no no before you say yes wow anyways so now i
10:39guess we're kind
10:41of throw bros oh wow you got a handshake too yeah yeah well we'll see you guys on uh monday
10:46just one
10:46second here okay so this is kind of funny because i brought in papadakis here as glorified i.t i
10:52know
10:52yeah here you are just just hitting it off we've got this natural dynamic it's like it just works do
10:56you
10:57yeah push pull yin yang landon and mccartney we're making music together it's crazy yeah here's the
11:03thing about him yeah he yeah he's not a yes man you know what thank you sir i love a
11:10good challenge
11:10why don't we make this a foursome you and your friend versus me and my friend wife wife we're
11:16never gonna be friends let's go we got this let's go latte no i'm actually gonna go back i gotta
11:28go
11:28to the bathroom and it's a small town distinctive shoes so you should try to have the secrets that i
11:33could discover find your way back to warrior two stretch those arms to the left and come back to
11:47center and breathe in yan shh now stay maggie quinn sorry i just need your help with something i knew
12:01this
12:01moment will come and i am flattered that you ask but i simply cannot donate any more sperm
12:06apparently now my chromosomes are a threat of genetic diversity no that's no thank you i just need you to
12:12tell me in your expert opinion if this bag is full of drugs if you can't remember there's a good
12:16chance
12:16it is it's not my bag it is my friend's bag hey and why don't you just open it then
12:21let's see well that
12:22would violate my friend's trust but if i had to guess i would say that it feels like three kilos
12:27of
12:27something very powdery three kilos give it here okay oh yeah i'm sorry to inform you but this bag
12:37is not drugs you're sure honey i've been escorted out of amsterdam twice yes i'm sure okay well that
12:43is a relief to hear you know i mean the drugs part everything you said is very disturbing what are
12:46you
12:46doing i said don't open it oh yes that is something you said yeah yeah my short-term memory is
12:51not good
12:52on account of real drugs but you'll be happy to hear that your friend's cremated remains appear to
12:57be in excellent condition cremated remains shhh cremated remains why why would she be smuggling
13:03cremated remains across the border sometimes you just have to make a body disappear and even the
13:09local police are scary good at finding dna these days ah and i'm sort of an expert on dna on
13:14account
13:14of all the sperm i gave out let me show you how we do it at suny binghamton all right
13:23okay okay
13:26gun gun gun what relax it's a pb gun yeah we're not playing the normal crap ways playing colonel
13:33rule that's right more interesting makes it harder okay if we leave right now we could still make it to
13:39dinner at the pizza hut in the 500 year old castle and i know you want to do that that
13:42sounds lame balls
13:45i like you because you speak everything you have on your mind comes right out of your mouth you
13:49know what you're gonna make a great xl one day even for me maybe oh hey shah's rules hey he's
13:58bleeding oh my god are you okay totally unprovoked attack on an innocent bystand unprovoked yes one
14:04minute i'm the only guy in the world who can help you and the next you're flipping discs with this
14:07guy because you both hate paddington you know you should be more talking to people about how they're
14:11treated and you've been indiana jonesing me this whole time i can't believe you did this to me
14:15you know first you first you leave me for that half a funeral six years ago and now this forget
14:19it
14:20i know we're done you you know what you know i'm gonna give you the next five weekends off and
14:24you
14:24can go visit all the tiniest countries in europe and have boring sex there okay you've gone way
14:29past being co-workers to being codependent obsession well you just work together i used to blame you
14:35for ruining our marriage but now i'm realizing it makes true to play frisbee golf and our sex
14:39by the way is exotic and spontaneous and sometimes it's quite kinky okay i just wanted a nice weekend
14:47with my husband for our anniversary and neither of you wanted to give me that the only difference is
14:50only one of you vowed to put me first for the rest of your life that hurts and this hurts
14:59too my nose
15:06so i stole your bag you don't say get in what is going on with you i opened the bag
15:12so i know that
15:12there's remains in there which i can't unknow or unsmell and i need you to know that i'm your friend
15:18dana i'm gonna do whatever i can to help you okay i'll call an attorney i'll call a funeral home
15:23i'll call a doctor it's probably too late for a doctor but but i will do whatever you ask me
15:27okay
15:28because i know that you would do the same for me maggie yeah they're dog ashes they're dog ashes
15:34yes they're dog ashes my sweet little paprika to be exact wait why were you being so secretive about
15:43it because i told you repeatedly i didn't want to talk about it i'm just saying that sometimes being a
15:47friend is just being there well passivity is not my strong suit but but i'm gonna you know get
15:53working on that i can't believe this stole the bag yeah i suck i'm no i can't believe that you
16:00were
16:00willing to do anything for me like that is that's sweet you're a one so that girl that you saw
16:10me
16:10arguing with at the salon okay that was actually my ex-girlfriend annie okay yeah we lived together in
16:16germany and for some reason we kept adopting elderly greyhounds which i do not recommend
16:20because at first they're already like little skeletons and then by the end they're tiny grim
16:24reapers lurking around your home just waiting to break your heart oh yeah paprika was the last dog
16:31we adopted together and when she died a couple weeks ago i asked annie to do me a favor and
16:36drive
16:36her ashes across the border so they didn't get caught up in customs and the sketchy guy at the
16:41antique store was hooking me up with an urn oh i'm so sorry for your loss cool okay i guess
16:47talking
16:48about things isn't so bad wow that relationship with your ex seems really complicated yeah the
16:52sharing portion is over okay it's ridiculous and it it keeps happening i know i know look i'm sorry
16:58about the trip okay i know i do this i do blame work and the colonel for our relationship problems
17:03but you're right it's my fault too okay from now on when it is our time the colonel no longer
17:09exists
17:10hey why is the door locked he has a key okay it's just for emergencies and snacks i will change
17:16the
17:16locks all right good listen up i need you to work next weekend i can't do it yeah you have
17:21to do it
17:21i'll tell you why because i was thinking about the appropriations but we're never going to get the
17:25funding we need to fix everything that's broken on the base i think we turned stroopstorf into a
17:29destination for like summits and peace talks and maybe even war planning okay okay yeah secure low
17:35profile destination with high-end accommodation sounds useful but it's a bad time for that bad
17:39time for that okay i need you to take this proposal okay to the commander of benelux and wait three
17:46days
17:46for a response because it's time sensitive okay we need permission and he is at a conference in
17:51paris and i need you to take this public affairs officer with you because she is going to write the
17:58press release if you in fact get permission i have always wanted to go to paris
18:08let's grab these pretzels and uh oh my god no these are the ones i told you to stop getting
18:13they're too dry i mean i'm gonna eat them anyways but i'll make a list
18:20hey colonel yeah hey hey um thank you hey listen man i've been through so many divorces i could
18:28smell when coming from a mile away i just thought maybe a little febreze to take the stink off look
18:33some of the things i said i didn't need it's just that this um working relationship
18:41is important to me yeah yeah yeah me too i mean i'm you know i'm to me you're my favorite
18:49uh
18:51co-worker i've ever had like i feel like we're really you know we're so uh perfect together that
18:58when you go away i'm like what am i gonna do i'm who can i co-work with and i
19:02can't really with
19:03anybody so i think i got something in my eye right now i got something oh paprika oh paprika
19:13oh that's that explains it i didn't it doesn't taste like paprika
19:24sir permission to not be your friend anymore i'll pop it out because that whole thing was fake
19:27i know it started out that way but like all great movies and it turned into something real and i'm
19:31just
19:31here to let you know that it is not going to work out between us hell i couldn't handle being
19:35your
19:35fake friend i think the real thing would kill me guess what i'm trying to say is goodbye man
19:41goodbye to us hanging out on the weekend
19:46i didn't earn this meat gum
19:50have a good life what the hell is going on i think you just got dumped
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