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00:05Congratulations, Major Shaw, on 20 years of distinguished service in the United States
00:10Army.
00:10I insisted on being here today in front of your friends and family to bestow this honor
00:15upon you and take it away from Colonel Quinn.
00:18Well done, Major Shaw.
00:20Thank you, sir.
00:22Thank you so much.
00:23All right.
00:24Hell yeah.
00:25Happy 20 years.
00:26Happy 20 years.
00:2820 years.
00:29I can't believe it.
00:30In my two decades, the American military has won and abandoned so much of the Middle East.
00:35But what's made it worthwhile are the friends and family I've made along the way, like all
00:38of you.
00:39Now, I know how much you like the movie up.
00:41I do.
00:41I got 80 more of these in the van.
00:43You want to see if I can get lift off in a high ceiling room or what?
00:46I was hoping you'd say that.
00:47I know how much you love nasty grandma candy.
00:51Oh, hard candy wreath?
00:52Yeah.
00:52My favorite, including all the best flavors, brown, light brown, and beige.
00:56Yes.
00:57Guys, this is too much.
00:58No, it's not.
00:5920 years is deserving of an honorable gift.
01:03The singing cactus I sent you so many TikToks about?
01:05Is it the one that's inappropriately somber?
01:10Oh, it is the one.
01:13Oh, this is just what I wanted.
01:15I didn't know this was a thing.
01:17So, you're traditionally not into things.
01:20Oh, you know, it's not a thing.
01:22It's not a thing.
01:22No, it's a big thing.
01:2420 is not just a big thing.
01:25It's the biggest thing.
01:26Yeah.
01:26It means you get your pension and your lifetime health care.
01:29And more important than anything else, really, the respect and acknowledgement of MUA.
01:35A challenge coin?
01:36Yeah.
01:38Six different colors.
01:39You guys, thank you for all the gifts.
01:42I love you, man.
01:42Yeah, we can't watch you.
01:43Oh, also, I forgot.
01:45I got you this.
01:46It's a matcha, and I just tried a little bit of it to make sure it's not too cold.
01:50I held it until the ice melted.
01:54You got him a drink that you already drank.
02:00This is going to hit his spot if I think so.
02:02Aw.
02:02Yeah.
02:03Do I have to drink it?
02:25Oh, are you packing for your camping trip?
02:28Celebrating Major Shaw's 20 years?
02:30It's a rite of passage.
02:31Yeah?
02:31I think it's great that the two of you get to spend some time together.
02:34One last hurrah.
02:36What are you talking about?
02:37Now that he's hit 20, he's considering retirement and has met with the transition officer at Baumholder.
02:42I don't believe you.
02:43I think you're lying.
02:44You know, this is privileged information that you cannot act on, which makes it more fun for me.
02:50Yeah, yeah.
02:51Hey!
02:51Hey!
02:51General Davidson, didn't realize you were still here.
02:53Major Shaw didn't realize that you were still here.
02:55Hey, you know what?
02:55I was just checking the weather about our trip tonight, and it looks crazy.
02:59There's a cold front coming in.
03:00It's going to rain, and now they're saying snow.
03:02So I think maybe we should move it, like six months to the summertime.
03:04You'll be here, right?
03:05I already got permission from Celeste for tonight.
03:07Not that I need a permission, because I am my own man.
03:09I do what I want to do.
03:10Sure.
03:10You know, but I'll check the calendar.
03:11All right.
03:11Great.
03:12Summer.
03:12Six months from now.
03:13Well, what about 12 months?
03:14Well, the app doesn't go that far.
03:15I have a feeling that the weather will be even better in 12 months.
03:19It's a feeling.
03:19That's not the app.
03:20What weather app are we looking at?
03:21Just answer the question.
03:23The, okay.
03:25Well, the weather looks pretty great right now, so why don't we give tonight a shot and just see how
03:28it
03:28goes, maybe?
03:29Smart.
03:29Keep your options open.
03:31Okay, so then I'll see you tonight, Colonel, or in 12 months, maybe 18 months, because I don't know what's
03:35happening here.
03:36Okay.
03:38I hope I haven't ruined your trip.
03:40Oh, you haven't ruined my trip.
03:41It's the camping trip where I convince Shaw to become a lifer.
03:45The only thing that's going to convince Shaw of is that he should have retired five years ago.
03:52You need a hobby, sir.
03:54This is my hobby.
03:59I know you loved seeing Celeste completely blow it in front of her husband, who you're
04:03secretly in love with.
04:04No, I did not.
04:05I really would like one side of the love triangle to be happy, right?
04:08What?
04:09It's a...
04:09What?
04:10Oh!
04:13Can I just go?
04:14Oh, yeah, come in.
04:15Okay.
04:15Sit down.
04:16Can I ask you guys something?
04:17Of course.
04:18Okay.
04:18Do you think that Abe was upset that he didn't do more for his 20th?
04:22No.
04:22No, in fact, I think he might be upset at the idea of him being upset.
04:27More than he shouldn't be upset.
04:29I feel like that totally summarizes our whole relationship.
04:31We're constantly misinterpreting each other.
04:32I'll think he's, like, mad, but really he's just hungry.
04:35And then I'll think he's hungry when really he just wants to make a baby.
04:38Oh, my God.
04:39Yeah.
04:39Straight couples are crazy.
04:40I really want to make it up to him.
04:42I know he really loved those presents, especially that little cactus.
04:45They say that?
04:45I can tell.
04:46Can you?
04:47Or maybe he's hungry.
04:49I was hoping I could run some ideas past you guys.
04:51Yeah, we're actually busy.
04:52We're so busy.
04:53Give us a list.
04:54How about a hot stone massage?
04:56Oh.
04:56I'll take some rocks from our yard, preheat the oven.
04:58Okay, hold on.
04:59Outside rocks?
05:00Mm-hmm.
05:00Yeah, those are jagged.
05:01Like, you need special stones.
05:03Special training.
05:05Yeah, that too.
05:06What if I made us dinner?
05:07Lovely.
05:08Well, that's better than rubbing on them with rocks.
05:10Yeah.
05:10Dinner in bed.
05:12Mm-hmm.
05:12Bed.
05:12Yeah, and I'll make his favorite spaghetti and meatballs.
05:14That sounds like a wet meal for bed.
05:17Mm-hmm.
05:17Too wet.
05:17Yeah, wet bed.
05:18Or, you know, even speaking of a dinner, you could plan a dinner with his friends.
05:22That is such a good idea.
05:23I don't know why I was overthinking it.
05:24Yeah, do that.
05:25Yeah, great.
05:26Do that.
05:26Mm-hmm.
05:27Would you guys help me plan it?
05:30Hmm?
05:31Because my marriage is kind of on the line.
05:34Oh, I can't.
05:36Of course.
05:37Yes.
05:38Yes.
05:38Yes.
05:38We would love to help you.
05:40Oh.
05:40You're going to save this marriage.
05:42We are going to save this marriage.
05:43Oh, my gosh.
05:44Save your marriage, okay?
05:45Yeah.
05:46Please save your marriage.
05:47You're married.
05:49Great.
05:50Ha, ha, ha.
05:51All right, pal.
05:52Tonight is all about us, the woods, and some knives, and some whiskey, and some axes, and
05:56some guns, and a small cannon.
05:58A cannon?
05:59You won't find that in a civilian job.
06:00No, you won't.
06:01Well, I guess it varies state to state.
06:03Yeah, all I know is that I'm really looking forward to some time in nature to clear my head,
06:06you know what I mean?
06:08Thanks, pal.
06:08What are you doing?
06:09What?
06:09Oh.
06:10Who's driving?
06:11Me.
06:11Yeah, it's one of the perks of the 20-year club.
06:13You don't have to drive anymore.
06:14Hey.
06:14Don't worry.
06:14He's going to stay in the van.
06:15Okay.
06:16Yeah, yeah.
06:16That's fine by me, man.
06:18So, I finally finished Game of Thrones for the second time.
06:21So, I'm going to binge the Bible.
06:23Ah.
06:23Complete unabridged audio book.
06:24Did you know it's the highest-selling book of all time?
06:27Mm-hmm.
06:27Did know that, yeah.
06:28Sold more copies than Da Vinci Code, which is also about Jesus, so I guess it's extended
06:31Bible universe.
06:32You mean Christianity?
06:34No spoilers.
06:35Let's go.
06:38Oh.
06:38Oh.
06:39Oh.
06:39Oh.
06:40Oh.
06:40Oh, man.
06:43What are you doing here?
06:44Well, what you said about keeping Major Shaw in the army got me thinking.
06:48Oh, so you came to help me?
06:49Hell no.
06:49No, no, no.
06:50I just realized how much Shaw means to you, so I'm going to make sure you fail, and at
06:54the end of this desperate attempt, he decides to retire.
06:59Guess what?
06:59What?
07:00You're not invited.
07:00Being top of the chain of command, I get to invite myself wherever I wish to go.
07:05As a matter of fact, I crashed nine weddings this year and didn't bring a single gift.
07:09Oh, and also, I've invited a couple of lifers along that, uh, you know.
07:15Come on, man.
07:17Merkle and Funt, they're going to ruin the whole trip.
07:20Funt never talks, but his body makes so many noises.
07:24Let's go, boys.
07:27General.
07:28Lieutenant Colonel.
07:29And Major Karisma.
07:31What a treat.
07:31Slide over.
07:32Oh.
07:33Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.
07:33Okay.
07:34You're coming along, too?
07:35Absolutely, because we're going to have some fun, my friend.
07:43Yep.
07:43You think the army made a man out of you now?
07:45Wait till you become a lifer.
07:46When you reject civilization completely and all its temptations, that's when your body
07:50allows you to get into peak physical condition.
07:53All right.
07:57Oh, that was fun.
07:59Why don't we fight with these anymore?
08:01Because we're lost as a society.
08:12And now, the Bible, written by God, read by Hank Azaria.
08:17In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
08:20Now the earth was formless and empty.
08:22Darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the spirit of God was hovering over the
08:27waters.
08:28Let there be light!
08:30And there was light.
08:31Damn, that's a hell of a start.
08:35You're right.
08:35This is much better than doing it in bed, but we can still do our favorite, spaghetti
08:38and meatballs.
08:39That's so funny.
08:40I've never seen him eat that one time.
08:43Well, it was more my favorite.
08:45And then he started making it for me, and now we just always eat it together.
08:48Cute.
08:49Yeah.
08:49Yeah, we could do that.
08:50We could have Shaw make your spaghetti and meatballs for his celebration dinner.
08:55Or, just by following, I do know that there is a really authentic Indian place in town
09:01that Shaw really loves.
09:02He says it reminds me of his grandmother's cooking.
09:04Oh.
09:04So that's just an option.
09:07Yeah.
09:07Great.
09:08Okay, that's perfect, because I actually already ordered it.
09:10Oh.
09:10And they threw in the utensils for free.
09:12Woo.
09:12You are doing such a good job.
09:14This is just going to be amazing.
09:16You're crushing it.
09:16I'll see you later.
09:17Okay.
09:23Look at you losers sweating your asses off.
09:25And not me.
09:26I got three layers on.
09:27I haven't sweat a drop.
09:29That might be a pituitary issue, sir.
09:30You should probably check that out.
09:31No, it's not.
09:32It's a control issue.
09:33I have power over my body.
09:36No, thanks.
09:37I don't really like to drink that much.
09:38It makes me yell.
09:39Well, if you're not yelling, are you really saying anything?
09:42You know what?
09:42Whatever.
09:43I'm not driving.
09:43There you go.
09:46Wow.
09:47Wow!
09:48Okay, here we go.
09:49Yeah, there it is.
09:50This is what it's all about.
09:51This is the life, baby.
09:52It sure is.
09:53You know what?
09:53Let's make this a little more interesting with a little unfriendly competition that I learned
09:57from a couple of enlisted men.
09:59And never have I ever had my highest rank be colonel or local.
10:05So drink up, you subordinate losers.
10:13Refusing to budge, the donkey turned to his owner and began to speak.
10:16Hey, did you not see the angel in the road?
10:20Talking donkeys.
10:22The Bible's like Shrek.
10:24And Shrek had a lot of animal sacrifice.
10:27Well, never have I ever launched a full-scale attack on a flock of geese.
10:33They were invading our airspace.
10:35They were migrating.
10:37Oh, my God.
10:38I think I'm done.
10:39It's getting a little hot in here.
10:40I'm going to...
10:40No, no, no.
10:40What are you talking about?
10:41This is the brother.
10:41This is how we have fun, right?
10:44Make each other laugh.
10:46This is what you have to look forward to when you're a lifer.
10:48And we know we can trust you because you're an honorable and trustworthy person.
10:51You wouldn't abandon us, quit, and take some stupid civilian job.
10:55Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
10:57Is that what this is about?
10:59Did you guys find out that I met with a transition officer?
11:01Well, nothing happens on my base without my knowing about it.
11:03Yeah, so we know you're leaving me, us, the Army.
11:07I haven't decided anything, okay?
11:10This is a really tough choice, and I just met with a transition officer because Celeste wanted me to.
11:15She's leaving the Army, and she wanted me to take my 20 and retire and possibly save our marriage.
11:21And I'm saying it's time to get rid of your bull and chain.
11:24What?
11:24The colonel, of course.
11:26I am tired, old man.
11:27What are you starting now?
11:28I'm tired of your stuff.
11:28Tired.
11:29You're constantly riding me.
11:30Because you need to be rid of your business.
11:31Oh, really?
11:32Yeah, exactly.
11:33I can't.
11:33I just can't anymore.
11:34It's too much.
11:35It's too much for me.
11:36Stop, stop.
11:37You know what?
11:37I just wanted a night in the woods.
11:38That's it.
11:39Me, some axes, good times.
11:41My future might be hanging in the balance.
11:43But one thing I do know for certain is that I don't want to end up sad and alone, eating
11:46beans in a tent in some sick competition with my sworn enemy, because I don't have any wives left.
11:51But that's because he's a narcissist.
11:52Oh, he's the narcissist.
11:53You're both narcissists.
11:54I told you drinking makes me yell.
12:02Hey.
12:03Hey.
12:04How's it going?
12:04How's it going?
12:05What's up?
12:05So, um, yeah.
12:08I could really use Rick Silver's number right now.
12:10You put his number in my phone for safekeeping, and remember what we agreed to?
12:14That it had to be World War III, and I would only get it if I wanted one last ride
12:17before
12:17the world ended.
12:18And is it World War III?
12:19No, but it's close, okay?
12:20I can't stop myself from helping Celeste try to save her marriage to a guy that I have
12:24fallen for.
12:26I offered to write her speech.
12:27What?
12:27Why would you do that to yourself?
12:28Because she couldn't find any word that rhymed with obligation.
12:31I can't help myself.
12:32Yeah.
12:32But you can help me.
12:33And Rick Silver is not the answer.
12:34He is a CIA liar who destroys your life like it's a foreign leftist government.
12:40I'm sorry.
12:40I'm not giving you his number.
12:41Kind of.
12:42Yeah.
12:44Do you know anything that rhymes with obligation?
12:45Frustration.
12:46Actually, do you have a pen?
12:47Girl, let Celeste write her own speech.
12:49Go get my pen.
12:50A 15-mile hike over uneven ground.
12:53I've done worse.
12:54One of them.
12:55Not one of them.
12:57I can live my life however I want.
12:59Ow!
12:59Ow!
13:00Ow!
13:01Ow!
13:01Ow!
13:02Ow!
13:02Ow!
13:09Ow!
13:10Ow!
13:13Ow!
13:14Ow!
13:21Hey, Sha!
13:24Look, I told him the truth.
13:26Army life is hard.
13:27Yeah, which is how we like it.
13:28Yes, yes, we do.
13:29But you know what?
13:30Let me ask you.
13:31Did you ever once think about leaving after 20 years?
13:34No.
13:34Me neither.
13:35That's our answer.
13:37And as much as I would love to wound you, he's got to find it on his own.
13:42What are you, Buddha now?
13:44What are you, Buddha now?
13:44Do me a favor.
13:44Just focus on the search and try not to declare war on the geese.
13:48What's that?
13:49Bunt, he has a breathing issue.
13:52He's got a handful of vertebrae removed and now his neck is too short.
13:55What, like a pug?
13:56Mm-hmm.
13:57Oh, my God.
13:58Help!
13:59Two o'clock.
14:00Hey.
14:02Oh, yes.
14:03Oh, I sprained my ankle.
14:05I can't really put any pressure on it.
14:07Can you call for help?
14:07We don't call for help.
14:10We are the help.
14:12General, you remember how to make a stretcher?
14:13Bunt, stop breathing and find some branches.
14:17Three miles down and one to go.
14:22Hey.
14:23All right, guys.
14:23Let him down here.
14:26Let me see.
14:27I got a signal.
14:29Yep, I do.
14:32Come on, Papadakis.
14:33Let's go.
14:33Let's go.
14:34And before me was a pale horse and the rider was Death.
14:39What?
14:40Death was riding the horse?
14:43Dude.
14:45The Bible is everything.
14:48Papadakis, you have one job.
14:50We're going to have to carry you the last mile or so.
14:52Here we go.
14:53One, two, three.
14:55You ready?
14:56Yep.
14:57Don't worry.
14:58Only the last half is uphill.
15:08He's coming.
15:09He's coming.
15:12Surprise!
15:14You did this all for me?
15:16Oh, 20 years is a big deal.
15:18Do you want a drink?
15:19Um, after falling down a hill and crying in a pile of leaves, I can confidently say I'm never going
15:24to drink again.
15:24So Shirley Temple.
15:26Here, sit down.
15:26Sit.
15:28Congratulations, man.
15:29Yes.
15:31This is crazy.
15:32You look a lot better than you did in the van.
15:35Ah, yeah.
15:36Appreciate that.
15:36Yeah, I was...
15:37And, sir, I wanted to tell you something.
15:38What?
15:39Do you have weak ankles?
15:39I knew that the first time I saw you walking a basketball court.
15:42Okay, please.
15:42I've seen oak trees with more lateral movement than you.
15:45What I was trying to say is that I don't know if I'm going to stay in the Army, but
15:49I know that I was wrong.
15:51So, I would be proud to be one of you.
15:55You know, listen, I was wrong, is what Davidson would be saying if he was here, because everything that went
16:00wrong on this trip was his fault.
16:02The thing I did want to say to you is, I think you should take some time to really think
16:05about this, because it's not just, like, vaguely your future.
16:08This is, like, the rest of your life.
16:09So, I think you should share it with something that sees you for who you are and shares your passion
16:14and your values, whether that's the U.S. Army or something else.
16:17Like my wife?
16:18Yeah, he could be a person. You know, he could be a person.
16:21You biting your tongue right now?
16:23No. Cheek.
16:24If I bit that in this heart of my tongue, I'd lose it.
16:29Hello! Hi! I want to thank everybody for coming out here to celebrate Abe.
16:38I'm sorry, I can't pull myself away. Dead Sea Scrolls just dropped, and there's, like, a lot of debate on
16:42the message boards whether it's canon or not.
16:43Uh, Abe, there's nobody like you. You're obsessed with Broadway shows, but you don't want anyone to know. Like, we
16:51don't hear you singing Suddenly Seymour in the laundry room.
16:54We can.
16:54You only own one bowl, and you wash it, after every use. An impressive system that we should all follow.
17:00The thing I love most about you is your unique ability to be there for us without us knowing it.
17:08You support us. You make us feel like we're doing it all on our own.
17:12You're the sky, the moon, the grass. You don't demand attention, but nothing would be the same without you. My
17:22life wouldn't be the same without you.
17:24So, uh, let's all raise our glasses to Abe.
17:31Is that okay?
17:32Thank you for that.
17:33Okay.
17:34Back to this.
17:35Yeah.
17:37Ooh, the biryani?
17:39Yes.
17:40The alugobi?
17:40Logo.
17:41You know, careful about that.
17:43Hop, hop.
17:43I'll get better at it.
17:45All right.
17:46Look, Celeste, I know things have been a little tricky for us, and I know we've been talking a lot
17:50about, um, whether a future together makes sense.
17:52Right, right.
17:53And, um, after that toast, it just confirmed it.
17:56I mean, you understand me more than I was sure of before, and so now I know that we can
18:01make a...
18:01I didn't write the toast.
18:03Or plan this magical night. Maggie did.
18:07Wait, Maggie?
18:07I'm so sorry.
18:08I know that I messed up, and I wanted to make it right, but I didn't really know where to
18:14start.
18:15And I've just been having such a hard time.
18:20Yeah.
18:20Yeah.
18:23It shouldn't be this much work.
18:26No.
18:28No one can say we didn't try.
18:29We tried so hard. I mean, we wore those marriage counselors out, but it feels like we both know it's
18:34over.
18:35Hmm.
18:37And I've always been bothered by that one bowl system. I think it's normal to have 12 bowls.
18:42Okay, what are you going to do? Invite 11 people over for a cereal party?
18:44I'd like to have the option.
18:49Seriously, Maggie?
18:51Movie.
18:52The sky, the grass, the moon.
18:55Boy, so that's how you feel, Michelle?
18:58I would have delivered it about her.
19:02Yeah.
19:05Yo.
19:06Dead Sea Scrolls has Goliath at 6'6".
19:09David about to cook this fool. For real.
19:12Okay.
19:13You can get a cook, Joe.
19:16How does one explain this to a layman?
19:19So there are talking animals.
19:21Right.
19:21And a talking bush.
19:22And talking people.
19:23But a lot of books have that, right?
19:24But this...
19:26CIA agent Rick Silver.
19:28Oh my God, you came.
19:29Oh my God.
19:30Babe, I am so glad you Facebook messaged my mom.
19:33I haven't been able to stop thinking about you.
19:35That's okay. I stopped listening after babe. Come here.
19:39Oh, so reliably hot.
19:41I know I am. You are too.
19:42You are too.
19:43You are too.
19:46Hey, um, has anyone seen Maggie?
19:49Yes, everybody's seen Maggie.
19:51Over there with the worst ex-boyfriend to ever do it.
19:53Oh!
19:55He's like glitter from a strip club.
19:57Impossible.
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