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Court métrageTranscription
00:00C'est parti !
00:30I think the most appropriate punishment
00:32for a drunk driver who crashed his car
00:33into a crowded soup kitchen is
00:35I sentence you
00:37to coach a youth basketball
00:39team. What ?
00:41Oh, hell yeah !
01:19This is an injustice.
01:21Nichols gets out of a DUI,
01:23he gets to coach a bunch of lovable outcasts,
01:25and he gets good PR.
01:28Enough is enough.
01:29Two can coach at that game,
01:31meaning I will coach
01:33my own ragtag kids basketball team.
01:36We got that.
01:37Now, to coach these kids,
01:39I'm gonna need someone who understands
01:41physical fitness.
01:42Or maybe someone crafty enough
01:44to think up trick plays.
01:46Who's good at tricks ?
01:49Of course !
01:50Barry's chandelier !
01:52Ahem !
01:53You know, Lincoln,
01:55I got more under my hat
01:56than a little gun named Dr. Problems.
01:58I also got 30 years' experience
02:00in fixing children's athletics,
02:02and a knife named Little Stinker.
02:04Let me help !
02:06That's okay, Glam.
02:07Here's 200 bucks.
02:08Just go have fun.
02:09Hot damn !
02:10Let's go before he changes his mind.
02:12Come on, gang !
02:16Lincoln, we don't know anything
02:18about basketball.
02:19They want NBA player right now.
02:20Hurry up !
02:20Parles !
02:21Mr. Parles !
02:22The Eggman !
02:23Club in plugins !
02:25Okay, so you know one guy,
02:27but so does everyone.
02:29Come on, let me coach !
02:31I gotta get out of this office
02:32with all his boring law papers
02:33and legal staplers !
02:34Okay, fine.
02:35But someone's gotta find
02:37that horrible thing you bought.
02:38What thing ?
02:41Hey, Sheila's fans !
02:43Remember when I said
02:44I would do something big
02:45to put this place on the map ?
02:46Well, check out hashtag Baby Bertram !
02:48It's trending through the room !
02:50Sheila, did you kidnap a baby ?
02:51A baby named Bertram ?
02:53What ?
02:53No !
02:54Baby Bertram is a funny talking robot toy
02:56I got at the drugstore !
02:58I'm Baby Bertram !
02:59And I say,
03:01work is for the friggin' birds !
03:04That is horrible !
03:06Sheila Flambe !
03:07We've got you surrounded !
03:08I did steal it though !
03:10Oh, yeah !
03:11Oh, yeah !
03:13Ha, ha, ha !
03:13Bertram is wonderful !
03:15Where did you hide it ?
03:16I don't remember !
03:17Oh, oh, oh !
03:18I'll find it, Unky !
03:19Great !
03:19Bury it in the desert !
03:20Bury me in, like, bikini models !
03:24Daddy-o !
03:24Ah !
03:25He's perfect !
03:26All right, first things first !
03:28I don't like you kids !
03:30I only care about one thing !
03:32My career !
03:33Okay, come on !
03:34It's all right !
03:35How am I supposed to coach you ?
03:37This kid's rude, this one's crude !
03:39This one has a single mother !
03:40And you've got a whole cowboy-based persona !
03:43This is never gonna work !
03:44Howdy, partner !
03:46You wish, kid !
03:48I only partner with sophisticated adult lawyers !
03:51Two different worlds !
03:53I would like one pee-wee basketball team, please !
03:56No narcs !
03:56Ooh, that's a dilly of a pickle !
03:59We don't have any left because a local judge keeps sentencing people with DUIs to coach youth basketball !
04:04You could wait until one of the current ones gets injured driving drunk !
04:07Sentencing them to coach children has not been a deterrent !
04:10So I'm left out of sports !
04:12It's like being a homeschool kid all over again !
04:14Oh, you were homeschooled !
04:16Yep !
04:17The whole homeschool experience !
04:18Skip three grades, still scared of strangers and the sun !
04:22Watch Cruel Intentions for Sex Ed !
04:24Who'd you take to prom, your maid ?
04:26No !
04:27She didn't want to ruin our friendship !
04:28Well, homeschool kids don't have a team !
04:31Because the government doesn't legally recognize them as children !
04:33So, if you actually want to coach them, you could start one !
04:37Mmm, coach the kids who are such kooky misfits !
04:39It's that they can't even be on one of the kooky misfit teams !
04:43That's the kind of stuff that gets you on the cover of Barely Legal !
04:45The magazine that covers lawyers' lives outside the courtroom !
04:49Coach Nichols, you eat boogers for breakfast ?
04:52No !
04:53I eat food !
04:54You doggum kids !
04:57You kids are starting to crack my tough facade !
05:01Soon !
05:02All right !
05:03Time to hunt a baby !
05:05The most dangerous game !
05:06I wish the copier machine were a friggin' margarita machine !
05:11Or something !
05:13Ha ha ha !
05:13Good one, BB !
05:15Let's see !
05:16Baby Bertram was Sheila's date to that wedding !
05:19And...
05:20Uncle Lincoln used him to practice standing up to intimidating men !
05:23Baby needs his bottle !
05:26Of beer !
05:27I'm a drunk baby !
05:29Wait, is it moving ?
05:32All right, ladies, which one of you is pregnant with Glem's cash baby ?
05:40What in a bucket ?
05:42Hot Clamps !
05:43I'm Clamps !
05:44I'm a lawyer !
05:45Help me find my bounty !
05:49About dang time this joint figured out what people want !
05:53Let's boogie, babyface !
05:55Let's boogie, babyface !
05:58Okay, homeschool team !
06:00Huddle up !
06:01Who is that man with us ?
06:02What is that man with us ?
06:04Relax, Sheila !
06:05I got this !
06:06It's safe to come out !
06:07We won't teach you about evolution !
06:11I'm your coach, Lincoln Gumb !
06:13Look !
06:14I'm one of you !
06:17When I say your name, raise your hand !
06:20Squirrel Barley !
06:21Hi, coach !
06:22Can you give me my various life-saving injections ?
06:25Medical stuff is Coach Sheila's department !
06:27No take-backs !
06:28Next up, Tap Walden !
06:29Oh !
06:30Would it not inconvenience your esteemed personage
06:34if I were to indulge in the recitation of a verse with your permission ?
06:40Uh, verily, at the end of, uh, thine practice.
06:46Mildred Crumbles ?
06:48Sir Coach, did you know a bee beats its wings 11,400 times a minute ?
06:53Yes !
06:54And you both are named Chancely Johnson ?
06:58Yes !
06:58Are you guys brothers ?
07:00Yes !
07:01No !
07:02Lincoln, it's like these kids came from the remainders table at Planned Parenthood !
07:06No, they're just a little off-beat.
07:08Like Nichols did.
07:15All that matters is having fun.
07:17So, Coach Sheila will handle all the basketball stuff.
07:20Now, uh, go have fun.
07:29Coaches, I threw up in my beekeeping suit, as usual.
07:32Also, my nose is bleeding.
07:34Also, what happens when you die ?
07:36Well, first your eyeballs...
07:38Water break !
07:39Lincoln, I'll be right back.
07:40I just got an incredible idea.
07:46Sounds like it's in, uh, Glem's secret drawer.
07:52Ah, ah, ah, you didn't say the magic word.
07:56Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
07:57Please !
07:58God damn it !
07:59I hate this Glem crap !
08:01Where's the beef, honey ?
08:03The beef is what's for dinner !
08:05Ha, ha !
08:07This is how you guys have fun ?
08:10There's nothing in the rule book that says a dog can't play basketball.
08:14Oh !
08:14It is a sin for dogs to wear people clothes.
08:18Not since Vatican II.
08:20Man, are you kids allergic to fun ?
08:22Oh !
08:23Oh !
08:25Okay, that's enough body fluid for one day.
08:28Good job, everyone.
08:29We're gonna give them heck at the game.
08:31Ce n'est pas un jeu ?
08:33Non, non, ce n'est pas un pratique.
08:35Notre jeu est demain contre les enfants sur un autre équipe.
08:39Le school kids ?
08:40Les enfants de la table ?
08:42Oui, ça va être un jeu.
08:46Je suis donc glad qu'ils n'ont dit ça.
08:48Vous savez, je n'ai jamais vu leur avoir un scoreboard pour montrer
08:51combien de nos bleeds les équipes de l'équipe de l'équipe
08:53plutôt que de l'équipe de l'équipe.
08:54Alors, merci pour avoir vos enfants faire un couple.
08:57Ah, c'est pas un problème.
08:59Anyway, I have some drunk driving to do.
09:02At least this is just peewee basketball.
09:04No one actually cares about winning or losing.
09:19Ah, nuts to you.
09:21I've wasted enough of my time and my hard-earned money gambling.
09:25Time to pick up the pieces of my broken life.
09:29Nuts to you.
09:30I would never do that.
09:32Re-life bonus.
09:34Now this is pod racing.
09:37Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:39Whoa, they made me my own Waluigi.
09:42What's his name ?
09:43Is it something good ?
09:44It's-a me.
09:46It's-a me.
09:46Glal-a-lilum.
09:47Nope.
09:50You're an embarrassment.
09:53Father only loves a winner.
09:55Insert more money to make me proud.
09:58Excuse me, please.
10:00Who made this ?
10:02And how did they know my father's dying words ?
10:06Oh well.
10:07Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
10:32Milk and corn !
10:35Milk and corn !
10:36Milk and corn !
10:37Milk and corn !
10:39Milk and corn !
10:40Milk and corn !
10:41Milk and corn !
10:41Milk and corn !
10:42Milk and corn !
10:43Hello, dickhead.
10:45You look well.
10:45How is your team doing ?
10:47We may have lost, but they had fun.
10:49And that's really all that matters.
10:51Man, I knew that before you did.
10:53It's not fair.
10:54Also, it turns out, losing sucks and isn't fun at all.
11:01You have so much to learn, son.
11:03I feel bad for you.
11:04Stop having inner peace.
11:06We're enemies.
11:08Stop that.
11:10And what's with you and that kid's mom ?
11:12You're married.
11:13Oh, Lincoln.
11:14You're so lost.
11:15Good luck with the season, bud.
11:17You're the villain, not me.
11:20Wait till we somehow meet in the championship
11:22and my kids show yours the true meaning of pain.
11:25I realize I sound like the villain.
11:29Curses.
11:31Slyso the pizza bitch is baby Bertram's number one home dog.
11:35These two party bots can even...
11:37Say hey, hey !
11:38Hey !
11:40Talk to each other.
11:41Oh, great.
11:42I can use this to track him down.
11:44Oh, my God.
11:47Bertram's a one-baby party.
11:51What if one of you brings a gun onto the court ?
11:53We could sneak some baskets in during the panic.
11:55Coach Lincoln, my dad says guns are only for protecting the bean farm from the government.
12:00Yeah, mine too.
12:02It's the same guy.
12:03No, it's not.
12:05If only one of you were, like, fast or strong.
12:07What about Horse Girl ?
12:10Horse Girl is stronger than my pa.
12:11Oh, she delivered him onto the angels.
12:14I told you guys, no more imaginary friends on the team.
12:17We already have Eric the Pigman, Reapin' Thomas, and Glalueelum.
12:20Horse Girl is very real.
12:22Wild horses raised her, and she wanders the land near my family's compound.
12:27Raised by horses, eh ?
12:29Don't get much more homeschooled than that.
12:36Man alive, how long have I been sittin' here ?
12:39I need to drain the proverbial penis.
12:43What do you want ?
12:44Where are you going, Glimgerman ?
12:47Emily Melderson ?
12:49My prom date from high school ?
12:51Oh, I've got so many questions.
12:53But I've got to pee first.
12:55You don't need to leave to pee, silly boy.
12:58Glim's bounty has everything you need.
13:04Also, I don't blame you for the car accident.
13:07I would.
13:17Gather round, team.
13:18We have a surprise.
13:19Oh, pheasant under glass.
13:23Even better, I present to you, our new center, Horse Girl.
13:40She's got the rage-filled power of Ron Artest with the fluid grace of meta-world peace.
13:45We have our ringer.
14:01I can't believe we found a powerful weirdo to counteract the weak ones.
14:07Maybe we can still make it to the finals by some miracle.
14:10They're calling it the opposite of a miracle.
14:13A plane carrying the top four children's basketball teams in the city has crashed with no survivors.
14:19And in gambling news, the crash leaves only two teams alive to play for the championship.
14:23Those of coach-slash-local-hero-slash-lawyer Steve Nichols and a coach-slash-local-zero-slash-model-training's resident
14:30good boy, Lincoln Gum.
14:32Ay, such a tragedy.
14:41Can you take down that picture of me with the Vegas' handsomest lawyer trophy?
14:46Turns out that was a radio station prank.
14:49Drinks for everyone!
14:50My team just gave me a Vegas' handsomest coach trophy.
14:54What a life-changing experience!
14:56That's also given my firm a bunch of incredible PR!
15:01And my wife is very into having three ways of single bombs.
15:05I love life!
15:09Mr. O'Raviolio, I think your fog machine's acting up again.
15:13Fog machine?
15:14Lincoln, I haven't had a fog machine in 30 years!
15:23My God, he's been playing for four days straight.
15:26He doesn't want to spin, but he keeps feeding in more money.
15:28Your bespoke slot machine ideas created the perfect gaming device.
15:32Yay!
15:34What have I done?
15:35I can't justly release a device this powerful to the world.
15:39My only solace is that there was no way to know I was working for villains.
15:43Huzzah!
15:43The chemicals we dumped by the preschool exploded, just as I loudly hoped for.
15:50Welcome to the Greater Las Vegas Area's Pee-wee Basketball Championship.
15:55I am local character Lutchman.
15:57And I am M. George Wallace.
15:59Oh, boy, the filling inside this gym is electric.
16:04We haven't seen drama like this since the heyday of Mr. Parle's The Eggman, Plummet.
16:10Now let's go down to the court for tip-off.
16:12All right, team.
16:14Remember what I told you.
16:15Squirrel, you're allergic to rubber, so don't hold the ball too long.
16:18Tap, don't you wander off no matter how resplendent a bird you glance upon this summer's morn.
16:23And Chancelys, whatever you do, do not look me in the eyes.
16:27Okay?
16:28Break!
16:52Well, there goes my ride home.
17:16No, this ends now.
17:23Don't kill me.
17:25I've never been too fast with a naked lady.
17:33You're free.
17:35Live your purpose as you were meant to.
17:38Free of my perfidy.
17:40You asshole, I was playing that.
17:43But the game was evil.
17:45It took $40,000 from you.
17:47Yeah, but I like that little Waluigi guy.
17:49He reminded me of my Italian neighbors who's always stealing my bounty.
17:54But I...
17:55Oh, hakuno matata bonus!
17:59Let's boogie baby face.
18:04All right, guys.
18:05No need to get down on yourselves.
18:06I have never seen such a horrible period.
18:09And I am Lunchmeat, the gross man.
18:12Like I was saying, keep your chins...
18:14As mayor, I'm gonna tell the cops to make sure these kids have bad lives.
18:19Sir coach, might you grant mine privilege to recite a verse to rally our forlorn spirits?
18:26You know what?
18:26Yeah, this feels like the part of the movie where you use an underappreciated skill to save the day.
18:41Apples, uh...
18:43Bapples, bapples...
18:44Oh, no, what am I saying?
18:47Y'all are so right.
18:49This game sucks.
18:50I'm starting to think God hates home school kids.
18:52Okay, y'all, I gotta go before they realize I'm talking to y'all.
18:55Now, I want you to read Chapter 8 while I'm at work.
18:59And remember, if you need something, you can always call random phone numbers until someone helps you.
19:15Got room for one more?
19:18Absolutely.
19:19You're up.
19:30Hey, man, it takes practice.
19:31Come back tomorrow and we'll try again.
19:34Thanks.
19:35By the way, do you think when our moms die, we'll see them naked before their funerals?
19:40What?
19:41Hey, sorry, kid.
19:43I'm kind and all.
19:44You gotta go.
19:47Kids, I'm sorry.
19:49I thought they were the evil team and we were the lovable underdogs.
19:53But that's wrong.
19:54We're not lovable.
19:56We're something else.
19:58We're home school kids.
20:01Those other kids grow up to be car salesmen, restaurant managers, and male nurses.
20:06They'll have barbecues and friends over to watch the game.
20:10But not us.
20:12We'll go to reptile shows and Korean War reenactments.
20:15And we'll never feel right in the world because we were never allowed to actually grow up in it.
20:23So, no, we can't win at basketball or life.
20:27But there is something we can do.
20:30We can go out there, channel all the inner rage and hatred that lurks in our homeschooled hearts,
20:37and make those charismatic friend-havers wish they'd never stepped onto the court with us.
20:42So, what are you? Regular kids or homeschooled monsters?
20:52Homeschooled monsters. Homeschooled monsters. Homeschooled monsters. Homeschooled monsters.
21:18Homeschooled monsters. Homeschooled monsters. Homeschooled monsters.
21:19The darkest day in Pee-Wee basketball history.
21:22This game has been called early, and Lincoln's team is banned from youth sports in the entire state of Nevada.
21:28Okay, but does that count as a loss?
21:31Actually, technically, in all Vegas sports, you can win by knockout, so, no.
21:36But you should obviously be ashamed.
21:38We won!
21:39We never have to do sports again
21:42And the normals are scared of us
21:44I'm proud of you, Monsters
21:46Let's go get some orange juice and white fish
21:49Juice and fish
21:50Juice and fish
21:52Juice and fish
21:55I'll destroy you for this
21:58I undid your personal growth
22:01Oh man, you did
22:03Balls, hellballs
22:06I guess I got a little, uh, extremely carried away
22:10By the bloodlust of children's sports
22:12It's okay, bitch
22:13Everyone got obsessed with something this week
22:15It was the theme
22:16Yeah, yeah
22:18Even William was obsessed
22:20William is a man who made a whole machine about my face
22:24It spoke with the voice of a dead girl
22:26And I went to the bathroom in it
22:28Sure, and just one question, Irene
22:30What the hell?
22:33It's just a toy
22:34It's safe
22:35Toys are fun, fun
22:37For children of any age
22:39Ages 8 to 80
22:43Run!
22:44I was controlling him the whole time with my phone
22:46Torturing you is what I got obsessed with this week
22:49Maybe next time you'll think twice before you drink one of Sheila's Mountain Dews
22:53That was Glam
22:54Oh!
22:56Woo, sorry
23:14Strip law acknowledges that homeschooling is often the best solution for perfectly normal kids
23:19But also sometimes it's for weird freaks
23:22And twins!
23:23Oh, streets दो
23:52Youenda
23:53Let's go!
23:53Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
25:23...
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