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00:30You know, lawyer, magician, I say fancy words, wear a suit
00:33And then I do some black girl magic, a term I just now coined
00:36I swear, it works so good, we basically don't even have to try anymore
00:40Hold it now, and watch the hoodwink
00:43As I make you stop, think
00:47Ta-da!
00:50You'll think you're looking at Aquaman
00:55We're crushing it so hard, nothing can mess up
00:58Uncle Lincoln?
00:58Shush, Irene
00:59I was saying, nothing can mess up this streak we're on
01:02Good people of Las Vegas
01:03I, Judge Bowman, am retiring at the end of this week
01:06But before I go, I plan to break the world's record for most cases presided over by a judge
01:11This feels great!
01:13I want more
01:14What's the record for staring at the sun?
01:16I'm going for it!
01:20He moved up all your cases to this week
01:22And insists you speed through them so he can get his record
01:24What?
01:25We have like 20 cases with him, that's impossible
01:27Relax, there's nothing the formula can't handle
01:30Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right
01:34Hey guys, guess who has two thumbs, eleven toes, and can legally practice law again?
01:42I thought you got disbarred and sold your extra toe to that witch
01:45Then I just reversed the decision
01:46Guess that's what happens when the judge who disbarred you gets beheaded for treason
01:51Oh, also, this lady was waiting outside, she seemed so sad I gave her my Tim Burton ass sundae
01:57Excuse me, are you Lincoln Gum?
01:59My name is Inez Ramos, my town needs a lawyer
02:02I'm sorry, Ms. Ramos, but we can't
02:05This entire law firm has two lawyers?
02:08Uh-huh, what's the case, ma'am?
02:10Insurance, divorce, teenage son on camera doing Nazi stuff
02:14A giant corporation has polluted our town's water supply
02:18It's such a disaster that this film crew is already turning it into a depressing documentary
02:25Please, will you take our case?
02:28I'd love to help, but...
02:30One sec, hey Trent, can we get in tight on this heartless lawyer before he turns her away?
02:34But, let me introduce you to my associate, Glenn Blurchman, Esquire
02:38But you won't regret it, and sorry about my name
02:42Okay, Glenn is taking this high-profile case
02:45What's the worst that could...
02:49Las Vegas
02:51Is where people go to make dreams come true
02:54But, just a few miles away
02:57My community is living a nightmare
03:02All the dump sinks and all the city bars and casinos
03:06Flow to a central pipe running directly under our town
03:09Last month, that pipe ruptured
03:12Now, tap water in the average home is 120 proof
03:17And everyone in this town is always drunk
03:32We need a hero
03:35You know, these young pups don't know it, but I used to run this town
03:39My ads were legendary
03:41Injured on the job?
03:43Hit and run, bitten by a dog or a strange dog-like man
03:47Gotten your genital, caught in a hot tub, lava lamp, or neighbor's motorcycle
04:19I can handle all those cases
04:20Hates losers
04:29But, one hand can turn it all around
04:33And what a hand this case is
04:35Creating fat cats, sad women, and metric tons of liquor
04:40It's classic glam
04:42Once I win, I'll be like Dracula
04:45Dead and loving it
04:48Except I'll be alive
04:50Okay, Sheila, if we're gonna win
04:52Ooh boy, several dozen cases in a week
04:55We're really gonna have to lean on the formula
04:57No more being breastfed
04:58Got it
04:59That's why I'm officially promoting you to uncertified paralegal
05:03This is gonna work
05:06Thank you for coming, Glem
05:08And this beef girl is your bodyguard?
05:11No, this is my protege, Irene
05:14I'm not Glem's protege, I'm his captive
05:16I don't go to school
05:17He makes me work out so I can do more manual labor on his alpaca farm
05:21I just wanna go home
05:22Kid, will you please just sign the like this waiver?
05:26Kid, how dare you talk that way to Barack Obama
05:36Tragic
05:37I've heard of alcohol being fun, but bad?
05:41It's especially hard on the children
05:43Look
05:44I just f***ing love Roblox so much, man
05:50This is awful
05:53He's right about Roblox, though
05:55I've seen enough
06:00Folks, ever since I started my legal career
06:03And then restarted it this morning
06:05I fought for the little guy
06:07Corporations do whatever they want
06:10And people like us fall through the cracks
06:12Now, those cracks are leaking backwashed vodka
06:16Into your kitchens
06:18And bubble baths
06:20Baths
06:22Baths
06:23Well, that ends today
06:26Today
06:26Today, Glenn Blorchman fights for you
06:31And cut
06:32Trent, can we get that again?
06:34That weeping father was pulling focus from me
06:38All right, we got a lot of cases to get this record
06:40And we're not leaving until it's done
06:42Court is now in session
06:43Your Honor, for my opening remarks
06:46I'd like to begin with a quote from Voltaire
06:49Man
06:50Time!
06:51Prosecution!
06:51Closing statements
06:52He did it
06:53Jury!
06:54Guilty!
06:54Twenty years!
06:57What the hell just happened?
06:58Mr. Gum, Miss Flumby
07:00Soaring rhetoric and complicated, wacky setups might help you win your weekly cases
07:04But I have a record to break
07:05If you want to help your clients, my advice is simple and to the point
07:10Just like sex with my beloved wife
07:12If you waste my time, I'm moving on
07:14From the sex?
07:15Yes!
07:16Bailiff, what's our next case?
07:17The people of Nevada versus Lil Dickens
07:20The viral TikTok baby who shot a police car
07:22We're not ready for Lil Dickens yet
07:24That baby guilty as hell!
07:25I've heard enough
07:26That baby guilty as hell
07:28Dang it
07:34Glam usually gets his best ideas while drinking
07:36It's where he got the idea for the underwear with a built-in washable condom
07:40I said he should call him Thunderpants
07:42But he went with Winking Glam's secret contraption
07:46Now, Mr. Blorchman, I quit the third grade to start this bar
07:50But it seems to me like just to consider an environmental regulations alone
07:54My...
07:56Jesus!
07:57What's with the crappy watered-down booze?
08:00How dare you?
08:01I'd never watered down a drink!
08:02This town has purity laws!
08:04If we watered down the booze, the government could shut us down!
08:07Government?
08:09Purity?
08:11Trivago!
08:12No, that's not right
08:13What's this?
08:14This thing people yell when they think of something?
08:16Eureka!
08:16Yeah, they yell
08:17I've got it!
08:19And I've got it!
08:21Your Honor?
08:22What separates a bar from a grill?
08:26A grill might serve loaded tots
08:28But only a bar can serve alcohol
08:31And my client's town is serving up alcohol and loaded tots
08:37By which I mean drunken children
08:40But bars can't serve just any alcohol, no
08:44It has to meet certain purity standards
08:47And this morning I filed the papers to have Wetfinger, Nevada
08:52That's really its name?
08:53That's gross
08:54I filed papers to have the whole town officially reclassified as a bar
09:01You did what?
09:02Which means their liquor supplier, the defendants
09:06Are now illegally supplying them with watered-down booze
09:11Oh!
09:13So, what's it gonna be, boys?
09:15Pay to fix this town's pipes
09:17Or pay even more
09:19To start pumping up full of top-shelf liquor
09:23Glim-mate!
09:25Glim-mate!
09:26A big flashy maneuver so crazy
09:29Your opponent has no choice but to give up
09:32Like I said, classic Glim
09:34When Glim said that, he pretty much lost the entire case
09:37I mean, even for a guy I'm pretty sure had a live crab in his pocket
09:40It was a shockingly bad decision
09:42The defense would like to file a countersuit
09:45Seeking reimbursement for a product provided thus far
09:47In the amount of $4 million
09:48Motion accepted
09:50What? What just happened? Did I win?
09:53Not now, Linda
09:55Okay, Sheila, the formula isn't working
09:58We have to start trying again
10:00Aw, man, you sound just like my infertile ex-husband
10:03Nothing, don't worry about it
10:04We have to just cut to that incredible last part of these weekly cases
10:07Where we do something inventive and kind of stupid
10:09And then win
10:10Hell yeah!
10:11Court is now back in session
10:13Anderson versus Smokin' Joe's Barbecue
10:16Ladies and gentlemen, my client is accused of attempting
10:18Drunk, bachelor party-style public sex
10:21With an animatronic cow outside a barbecue restaurant
10:25Which he did
10:27My client's future is on the line
10:29So I need you all to listen carefully to these important details
10:33What is entrapment?
10:36The official slogan of the Las Vegas Tourism Board is
10:39In Vegas, you can get lucky anywhere
10:42Anywhere
10:43Even outside a barbecue restaurant
10:46Telling that to a town where tourists are encouraged to get monumentally drunk and horny
10:51That is entrapment
10:53More importantly
10:54Who here heard a word of what I just said
10:57And who was busy staring at the objectively sexy cow?
11:02That is really entrapment
11:05Displaying a mechanical cow so seductive that any of us would try to have sex with it
11:11We rest our case
11:14Not guilty
11:15Cow robot sex man is a hero
11:21Now, now, okay
11:22Yes, some mistakes were made
11:24You turned us into a bar
11:27Now, we owe them millions of dollars
11:29And they made the alcohol more pure
11:32Idiots
11:33People, people
11:34Don't you see?
11:35I wanted this to happen
11:37It's all part of the plan
11:38See, in a case like this, okay
11:41You want them to think nothing of you, right?
11:44That you're on the ropes and then, bam, a knockout blow
11:48It's classic glam
11:50But now, we're being countersued
11:53And when I win tomorrow, we'll counter-countersue for billions
11:58Your Honor, last time we spoke, believe it or not, I made a mistake
12:03A town can't be a bar
12:05If Wetfinger is a so-called bar, then, legally, no children can be allowed inside its borders
12:12And that means no smoking, no nudity
12:16You'd have bouncers instead of cups
12:19Instead of houses, people would live in, I don't know, jukeboxes
12:23So, unless you're prepared to force the town of Wetfinger to enforce all those horrific
12:30So, we lost a suit and a countersuit
12:34On the bright side, I hear the strip-mining colony that all the children were taken to
12:39Is really thriving under the leadership of a strong 12-year-old named Big Randy
12:44So
12:45I guess Glem ruined another town
12:47This is just like the time he sold a defective monorail to that one city
12:51Oh, what was it?
12:53Springfield?
12:53Yeah, I told him, Glem, don't have a cow, man
12:56But he wouldn't listen
12:57Just kept eating that crusty burger
12:59Check with legal, but I'm pretty sure we can't use any of that
13:02Oh, you can't?
13:04Ay, caramba
13:07There he is, the anti-god who stole our children
13:11Hey, now, that's a little honestly accurate
13:15Hey, you guys mind if I play this medley of Beatles hits?
13:20Again, Irene, we can't clear
13:22I want Beatles to laugh in me
13:37Okay, you're suing Mega Jug Strip Club because you, as a visually impaired customer,
13:42need to be able to touch the dancers in a process you call titty braille?
13:47That's right!
13:48They gotta let us blindos have a feel, otherwise it's discrimination-like
13:53Well, that's a very compelling argument
13:56Are you crazy? You could have killed me!
13:59Uh, I mean, uh, who threw that? A white dude?
14:02Your Honor
14:03Dismissed
14:04You say your husband died of natural causes, correct?
14:07Yes! It was, like, so sad
14:09That's interesting, because...
14:16Oh, my God, Jeffrey's mental spirit!
14:18It's true. I forged a new will and I had him killed
14:22Uh, this was an inheritance case, but, Your Honor?
14:27Another win, Mr. Gum!
14:29Bailiff, take the witness to lady jail and the dog to dog jail
14:32Would you look at that one last case and it's a measly parking ticket
14:36Whoo! The record is as good as mine!
14:40Congrats, even though you could have delayed your retirement by, like, a month and done this normally
14:44Shut up! Because of me, you two have tied the all-time record for most court cases won in a
14:49day
14:49Damn! I guess we make a great team
14:51You're as good as I am out there
14:53Really makes my law degree seem fucking pointless
14:57Well, tragic news, everybody
14:59The assistant DA for our last case got in a hot air balloon that wouldn't stop going up
15:04So, Flambe, you're the prosecution now
15:07Bam! You're a lawyer!
15:08I can do that, like a ship's captain
15:10It's a lifetime appointment, too
15:12Unless I get beheaded
15:13Anyway, let's wrap this up
15:15And I guess whichever one of you wins this next one also gets the record
15:20Any last words?
15:21Before I make you the second best lawyer in history?
15:24Before I make you the second lawyer named Lincoln to get killed by a disgruntled performer
15:28That was a long walk
15:30That's what these legs are good for, Gum
15:35There you are!
15:36You're missing all the fun in the strip mining town
15:38Boy, oh boy!
15:39They weren't kidding
15:40Big Randy really was born without pity
15:42Yeah, I might as well go be Big Randy's butler
15:45What else good am I at a society?
15:47I'm a loser
15:48Aw, come on!
15:49This is just a speed bump
15:51Classic Glam, remember?
15:53This, Irene?
15:55This is Classic Glam
15:56Lose two lawsuits at once
15:58Create a hell town full of child marauders
16:01Out of a need to prove I'm the smartest guy in the room
16:04It wasn't about winning or losing
16:06It was all about me
16:08Classic Glam
16:09Ow!
16:10Why are you punching Classic Glam?
16:12Ugh, you dick!
16:13I was having fun messing with the movie nerds
16:15Now you're making me be all heartfelt and sincere, you absolute chode
16:19Who got Lincoln out of trouble when his airplane anxiety attack was so bad
16:23The air marshal thought he was an ISIS?
16:25Hmm, Glam
16:26Who tricked the Catholic Church into canonizing him the patron saint of single moms?
16:31Glam
16:32Who got my third grade bully involuntarily drafted by the Navy?
16:35Well, I'd like to think that was more of a team effort
16:37I never knew the so-called classic Glam
16:40But the Glam I know is willing to go to the weird, gross places no one else would
16:45To make sure the buttholes don't win
16:46And even when you're a disaster, you're a disaster for the right people
16:51A disaster?
16:53Trivago!
16:54Irene, you're a damn genius!
16:56Follow me!
16:59Sir Judge? Judge Horst Penis?
17:02Reynolds, and yes
17:03Listen here, you
17:04I want to appeal the wet finger case
17:07Okay
17:07Wow
17:08Just like that?
17:09Yes
17:10I thought I was gonna have to do a big speech
17:12Can I do it anyway?
17:13I suppose
17:16Chickety China
17:17The Chinese chicken
17:18You have a drumstick and your brain
17:21It starts chicken
17:21Okay, see you Monday
17:24Now, as you can see in Exhibit M, the wheel is exactly six inches from the curb
17:28Where the city alleges my client is 6.1 inches from the curb
17:31Mr. Glam, is this really necessary?
17:33Time!
17:33Jury, may I direct your attention to the plaintiff who claims he did not pay his parking meter
17:38Because he, quote, never carries change
17:40When in fact he has a fortune of coins
17:43Besides, it was after 8 p.m. when he parked
17:46Leap days
17:46When the city ordinance was drawn up, Nevada had yet to institute leap days
17:50Which means, relative to the date of implementation, it was Sunday, not Saturday
17:54Meaning parking was free
17:55Pay no attention to my opponent
17:57He's high on his love of illegal pornography
18:00Order, order
18:02Please, for the love of God
18:04Motion to cross-examine the defense
18:06Fine, I don't care anymore
18:07Mr. Gumm, would you describe yourself as an expert in parking law?
18:11I've been talking about it for 11 hours
18:13Then you know the difference between right and wrong
18:16I believe in my client
18:17I believe in the law
18:18God damn it, I believe in this country
18:20Is that the truth?
18:21Yes, and I can handle it
18:23It being the truth
18:24Then why do you, Lincoln Gumm, yourself have an unpaid parking ticket?
18:29If you're lying about one thing
18:31What else are you lying about?
18:33I rest my case, Your Honor
18:34Yes, I have the record
18:36I am God!
18:42If it isn't State Supreme Court Justice Eileen Evans
18:46Here to celebrate my record
18:49No, I heard about this weird court case marathon
18:52None of it is constitutional
18:54All of these cases are officially mistrials
18:57And I sentence you to death by beheading
18:59No, my record
19:01Also, I want to be alive
19:04Holy shit, Sheila
19:05You really got my ass
19:07Only after you got mine
19:08God, I feel incredible
19:10I wanted to destroy you
19:12I wanted to destroy you
19:14With my mouth
19:15Words
19:16From my mouth
19:17What do we do with all this energy?
19:21Well, got that out of the way
19:22Yeah, good game, good game
19:26Sorry, I'm late
19:28I had to stop off for some refreshments
19:31Your Honor
19:32Hasn't Mr. Blorgeman wasted enough of this court's time?
19:35No, she's right
19:37I have been wasting time
19:39Coming up with flashy stunts
19:41Instead of helping my clients
19:44Wetfinger
19:44Isn't a bar
19:46Or a documentary
19:47Or a Mad Max Society of Alcoholic Children
19:52No, it's a town
19:54Full of people who matter
19:56A town
19:57These casinos have turned into an ecological disaster
20:01Please, first it's a bar
20:03Now it's a disaster site
20:05Your Honor
20:05People have been safely living in Wetfinger for months
20:08Safe, huh?
20:09Well, then you wouldn't mind drinking a cup of their tap water
20:12Not at all
20:13Just a sec
20:14Just a sec
20:15Doctors recommend eight glasses of water daily
20:24I can't
20:26But I can't
20:36Your Honor, my best friend is a little kid
20:40And she motivate me to come here
20:43And be a big man
20:46Now they thought my friend was in ISIS
20:49But he's
20:51He's a good guy
20:52He's a good
20:54I'm so full of anger
20:57Lawman
20:58I want to kill
21:00My uncle
21:02And you
21:03No, my parents hurt me
21:08Why they hurt me
21:09My, I love you guys
21:13I hate you
21:15I hate you
21:22Help me
21:24I just want pants
21:27Oh, uh, hi
21:29Can you open it to the guy?
21:32No!
21:33Look at me, Judge
21:35I'm a walking catastrophe
21:37I'm a human glimzaster
21:40And any town that turns people into me
21:44Is a crime against nature
21:46He's right
21:48No person should ever subject themselves to the risk of becoming like this man
21:53Your clients have turned this town into an ecological glimzaster
21:56I'm lifting the fines
21:58The company must pay restitution
21:59And I'm issuing a recommendation that FEMA intervene on this legally recognized disaster site
22:07So, yeah, glim rules, actually
22:09Also, I've been lying to you guys this whole time
22:12I'm glad I'm his protege
22:14We know
22:14And now you have an arc
22:16You're probably gonna be the breakout character of this duck
22:18God damn it!
22:19So, at first, we thought glim was our savior
22:23Then we thought he was a disgusting worm
22:26But he's both
22:28He's our disgusting savior worm
22:30So, I completely ruined my reputation with that get drunk and act pathetic move
22:36But I helped these people
22:38I won by losing
22:40Classic glimz
22:42Now, if you'll excuse me
22:44I'm pretty sure that booze water is still killing me
22:56Another crazy day in court
22:58Pretty cool move, huh?
22:59Getting the whole town turned into a bar, yeah?
23:02I feel like this is a slam dunk
23:04And aye, caramba!
23:06Glenn, what are you doing here?
23:08I thought the whole documentary thing was over
23:10What?
23:10Just because you finished your thing, I automatically finish mine?
23:13It's been like two days
23:14Nice genitals, SF
23:17Oh, my God!
23:18Thank you!
24:00Thank you!
24:17Chirp
25:11Chirp
25:13Chirp
25:14Chirp
25:14Chirp
25:14Chirp
25:14Chirp
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