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00:00:05Okay, game!
00:00:10Anyone has to use the bathroom, do it now.
00:00:13We've got another two hours before we get to Grandma's.
00:00:16I'm just going to fill up the tank.
00:00:19Fill up?
00:00:21Not all the way, though, right?
00:00:24We have to.
00:00:26But it's $5 a gallon.
00:00:28I said, we have to.
00:00:31Kids, we're going to have to leave one of you behind.
00:00:36What? Why?
00:00:39Gas prices, darling.
00:00:42Dad, why does gas cost so much?
00:00:46The Epstein fire!
00:00:50Kidding, but possibly not.
00:00:53It's called butterfly effect, right?
00:00:55Epstein was first domino.
00:00:58Epstein, bing, bing, bong, bong, bing, bing, bong, bong, bong.
00:01:01War!
00:01:02Anyway, hi, it's me, Donald Trump.
00:01:04You might remember me from such campaign promises as lower gas prices and no more wars.
00:01:13Sike!
00:01:14We love to make promises because a promise is just a lie that hasn't happened yet.
00:01:20But now it has, and gas costs like a million billion dollars a gallon.
00:01:24And as for the stock market, let me put it in a way that the Harry Styles fans in the
00:01:29crowd tonight will understand.
00:01:59You guys are going to love this one.
00:02:01But we will win this war because Iran is old and nobody likes him.
00:02:06Iran is like ballet and opera and weird Timmy Chalamet.
00:02:11Wow, kicking them while they're down, Timmy.
00:02:14Which is, frankly, best time to kick.
00:02:18Look at the gas back there.
00:02:21Frozen in one of these.
00:02:22Look at Marcelo.
00:02:23He's still playing kids.
00:02:26He's SNL's little chihuahua.
00:02:28That sounds racist, but it is.
00:02:31I'm a racist guy.
00:02:33I say racist stuff.
00:02:35And how about Ashley Padilla?
00:02:37Last name sounds Spanish, but take a look at her, folks.
00:02:39That's the whitest white man.
00:02:43Haircut!
00:02:45We love haircuts!
00:02:48Point is, I have everything under control, okay?
00:02:51I've been meeting with the nation's top minds.
00:02:54Jake Paul.
00:02:57He was booed very badly at the Mike Dyson fight.
00:03:00We hate to hear boos.
00:03:02Did someone say boos?
00:03:13Hey, so I had a couple road sodas.
00:03:16Chill.
00:03:17Beat hangstaff as I live and struggle to breathe.
00:03:21It's great to see you, Mr. President.
00:03:23Before I begin, I just want to thank you sincerely
00:03:25for these beautiful size 16 Florsheim shoes.
00:03:32They fit me like a glove.
00:03:33Happy to do it.
00:03:34Like a clown's glove.
00:03:37If you're wondering why I was in the back seat
00:03:38of this random family's car,
00:03:41I'll tell you the same thing I say
00:03:42when people ask about our plans for Iran.
00:03:44I don't know.
00:03:46Isn't that wonderful?
00:03:47Well, I'm going to wander around.
00:03:53Great.
00:03:54Thank you for everything, sir.
00:03:57The president called me here today
00:03:58to give you news on the war.
00:04:00Okay, so listen up.
00:04:02The news is we won.
00:04:05Hashtag winning.
00:04:07So you can stop asking me all about it, okay?
00:04:10Don't even worry about it.
00:04:11Forget about it.
00:04:15The real problem is
00:04:16all you gaybies...
00:04:19Gay babies, copyright.
00:04:22All you gaybies in the media
00:04:23are completely unpatriotic, okay?
00:04:26They're using what I do and say
00:04:28to make me look like a fool.
00:04:30Been there.
00:04:31I've been there before, partner.
00:04:34Yeah, I've been there a lot.
00:04:37You know, the press says we bombed a school.
00:04:40I just blame it on the...
00:04:43Ayatollah.
00:04:44And also on the alcohol.
00:04:47All you dweebs,
00:04:49stop saying the Strait of Hormuz is closed.
00:04:51It's wide open.
00:04:53Sure, there's a bunch of landmines
00:04:54floating in the water.
00:04:55Water mines, I guess.
00:04:58But if you're an oil tanker
00:04:59and you're driving it
00:05:00and you see one of the mines,
00:05:02just do what I used to do
00:05:03at every DUI checkpoint.
00:05:05Close your eyes and gun it.
00:05:08Great advice, Pete.
00:05:09Okay, anyway,
00:05:11back to the gas station scene.
00:05:13Kidding, of course.
00:05:14And live from New York,
00:05:16it's Saturday Night Live!
00:05:23It's Saturday Night Live!
00:05:27With...
00:05:27Michael Chang!
00:05:35Mikey Day!
00:05:42Andrew Dismukes!
00:05:45Andrew Dismukes!
00:05:52Chloe Feynman!
00:06:03Marcello Fernandez
00:06:09James Austin Johnson
00:06:18Colin Jost
00:06:24Sarah Sherman
00:06:31Kenan Thompson
00:06:36Featuring Tommy Brennan
00:06:43Jeremy Cohen
00:06:48Dan Marshall
00:06:55Ashley Padilla
00:06:57Cam Patterson
00:07:03Veronica Slowikowska
00:07:08Dave Wickwater
00:07:17Host and musical guest, Harry Styles
00:07:25Ladies and gentlemen, Harry Styles
00:07:53Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much.
00:07:57It's so great to be back hosting Saturday Night Live for a second time. I wasn't sure if I would
00:08:05host again, but I couldn't resist when I heard they booked my favourite ever musical guest. I finished my last
00:08:14tour in 2023 and after that I took a bunch of time off. I realised I'd spent half my life
00:08:21in music, touring, creating albums and making songs about fruit that people think are about sex.
00:08:28I just really like fruit, guys. I like sex too. You know, when you're on holiday, it's like five in
00:08:37the afternoon, you're all covered in sand, you and your partner are all sweaty and hot and you stumble back
00:08:43to the room and you just want to mmm papaya.
00:08:47Back then, people seemed to pay a lot of attention to the clothes I was wearing and some people accused
00:08:52me of something called queerbaiting. But did it ever occur to you that maybe you don't know everything about me,
00:09:00Dad?
00:09:05I ran it past him, he was fine with it. I get asked a lot about what I've been up
00:09:09to on this break. Honestly, I learnt a lot about myself. Like, I've always known that I'm someone who talks
00:09:15rather slowly. But I found out it's not that. I'm tremendously boring.
00:09:22I took up jogging. There's nothing interesting about that. But because I'm me, people pretend to find that interesting. But
00:09:33I don't run to be interesting. I do it for the feeling it gives me, that runner's high. It's just
00:09:39amazing. Watermelon sugar high, runner's high. And if that doesn't do it for you, I also love ecstasy.
00:09:50But, you know what? As a British man who spent a lot of his life in the public eye, I
00:09:55can assure you there's something nice about being boring. It's better than the alternative.
00:10:09During my break, I found a new home in a small old Italian village. It has 11 full-time residents,
00:10:16which is really fun.
00:10:17It's pretty cool to be able to say you've had sex with 100% of the people in your town.
00:10:23But I'm very, very happy to be back at work now. I have a new album out.
00:10:32It's called Kiss All The Time, Disco Occasionally.
00:10:35And some people have asked me where I got that title from. And I'll let you guys be the first
00:10:40to know.
00:10:41I did a prompt on ChatGPT that said, give me the most Italian phrase to ever exist.
00:10:48And it came back with,
00:10:49It's a me, a Mario. Kiss All The Time, a disco occasionally.
00:10:56And I loved it. Because what's better than kissing all the time?
00:11:00Which I don't actually do. I don't want to kiss all the time.
00:11:04I mean, sometimes kissing can be great.
00:11:08You know, if you're really good at it and you're a good person.
00:11:13Or if you have a tight little bum.
00:11:15Hey.
00:11:16Hey, Ben.
00:11:18Hey.
00:11:19What are you doing up here?
00:11:20Well, you said tight little bum.
00:11:22So where's my kiss?
00:11:26Come on, Ben.
00:11:27Everyone knows there's nothing little about that thing.
00:11:31You're hauling a damn wagon back there.
00:11:35Facts.
00:11:37Whatever. Come in.
00:11:42Now that's queer bacon.
00:11:45We have a great show for you tonight.
00:11:47I'm here and I'm here.
00:11:49So stick around and we'll be right back.
00:12:07All right.
00:12:08Order.
00:12:08Order in the court.
00:12:10This is New Jersey versus Donovan.
00:12:13Is the prosecution ready to present its case?
00:12:16It is, your honor.
00:12:18And let me just say, it's my honor to be here.
00:12:23No.
00:12:25No.
00:12:26None of that.
00:12:27Don't be cute.
00:12:29This is a courtroom.
00:12:30Now over to the defendant.
00:12:32Mr. Donovan, since you do not have an attorney, the court has appointed you a public defender.
00:12:37Thank you, your honor.
00:12:38But before he gets here, I should probably warn you, he's Sebastian Maniscalco.
00:12:46Like the world famous comedian?
00:12:48Yes, but I promise he's nothing like what you've seen on TV.
00:12:52Bailiff, please let him in.
00:12:54You're not going to be here.
00:12:58I'm a lawyer now.
00:12:59I went to night school and I passed the test.
00:13:03I canceled the gig to be here and my agent was like, why would you do that?
00:13:14Sebastian, you are a character.
00:13:16Now on to the much less delightful prosecutor.
00:13:20Um, all right.
00:13:22I'm a little thrown.
00:13:23I didn't expect the public defender to be Sebastian Maniscalco.
00:13:27But your honor, the case is simple.
00:13:29Oh my God.
00:13:30On February 19th, Mr. Donovan walked into a department store and walked out wearing $5,000 worth of stolen merchandise.
00:13:39Who knows if that's true?
00:13:41Including a designer suit, shoes, and a belt.
00:13:44Let me tell you something about a belt, okay?
00:13:48When I was a kid, the belt wasn't to keep the pants up.
00:13:52It was to keep the volume down.
00:13:56Okay?
00:13:57I never saw my dad put the belt on.
00:14:00I only saw him take it off.
00:14:06And my dad, and my dad, I don't know if your dad did.
00:14:09Did this, but my dad.
00:14:10I don't know if your dad did this, but my dad.
00:14:12I don't know if your dad did this, but my dad.
00:14:14He used to pop it twice.
00:14:16He used to go, pop, pop.
00:14:17And then it was belt to ass.
00:14:20I don't think, your honor.
00:14:21None of that was relevant.
00:14:22And I know the jury couldn't possibly follow what he was saying.
00:14:26Uh, very well.
00:14:27Will the court stenographer read it back, please?
00:14:30I never saw my dad put the belt on.
00:14:32I only saw him take it off.
00:14:33And my dad, I don't know if your dad did this, but my dad.
00:14:36I don't know if your dad did this, but my dad.
00:14:38I don't know if your dad did this, but my dad.
00:14:41He would snap it twice, pop, pop, and then belt to ass.
00:14:45Is the baby happy now?
00:14:48What?
00:14:49Your honor, with the defense attorney mind not moving around so much,
00:14:53I'm having trouble drawing him.
00:14:56Hey, Picasso, do me a favor.
00:14:59If you're gonna paint me, you gotta tell me, mama,
00:15:02so I can give you a pose, okay?
00:15:04I want you to paint me like this.
00:15:07Or a worst-case scenario, get me like that.
00:15:12Your honor, he's not even trying to argue the case.
00:15:16Oh, you want me to argue the case, mama?
00:15:20Oh, I didn't know that's what you wanted.
00:15:23I'll talk about the case, your honor.
00:15:25Listen to me.
00:15:26For my client to get out of that store,
00:15:29he would have had to juke out a security guard.
00:15:32Then they got the lasers everywhere,
00:15:35so my client would have had to Tom Cruise that day.
00:15:39Okay?
00:15:40And then they got the sensors.
00:15:42You know about the sensors, your honor?
00:15:43They're about this store, the sensors.
00:15:45They tell you if you got something you're not supposed to have.
00:15:48So my client would have had to grab the shoes
00:15:50and the belt and the jacket
00:15:53and hold it above his head and go like that.
00:15:58So either my client is not guilty
00:16:02or he belongs in the Olympics.
00:16:06The defense rests.
00:16:11I think I've heard enough to make a decision.
00:16:16This is crazy.
00:16:18You're all just captivated by the way
00:16:20Sebastian Maniscalco is talking.
00:16:22Like, what if I talked like that?
00:16:30Dear honor,
00:16:33this guy took the clothes
00:16:34and he walked right out of the store.
00:16:39We got the security footage.
00:16:41After awesome!
00:16:43So ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
00:16:46I ask,
00:16:47why would he do that?
00:16:51All right.
00:16:55That's it.
00:16:57I find you in contempt of court.
00:17:00Ooh.
00:17:01No.
00:17:01You gotta be kidding me.
00:17:04Mr. Maniscalco,
00:17:06I finished that painting you wanted.
00:17:08Oh, let me take a look at that, honey.
00:17:10Oh, my God.
00:17:12Honey, put that in the loob.
00:17:23What do we got?
00:17:23Lady collapse her 80th birthday party.
00:17:25Delayed breathing.
00:17:26Blood pressure's through the roof.
00:17:27For people who love the pit.
00:17:29No effusion, good lung-siding.
00:17:30Likely stroke.
00:17:31But can't stand its phony liberal science.
00:17:34Stock's going crazy.
00:17:35Percy, were thrown back to me?
00:17:36Not until we have a definitive diagnosis.
00:17:37From producer Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
00:17:39and the team who want to make America healthy again.
00:17:43What she needs is a steak.
00:17:45She eats protein, people.
00:17:48Give me beef tallow and six raw egg stack.
00:17:50It's Ma Hospital.
00:17:52From producer Jillian Michaels
00:17:54and the Facebook group Beach Moms Against Vaccine Tyranny.
00:17:57This testosterone is crashing.
00:17:59I need 60 cc's of bull semen now!
00:18:01Comes a show set in the high-stakes medical crucible
00:18:04of Orange County, California.
00:18:06What's the situation?
00:18:08Car accident, femur fracture,
00:18:10and trauma to ribs 2 and 5.
00:18:11Ow, my legs!
00:18:12Sir, are you up to date on your vaccine?
00:18:14Yes.
00:18:15Closer!
00:18:16Okay, treatment, dogs.
00:18:17Okay, maybe methylene blue
00:18:20and a full-moon ceremony.
00:18:21Might work.
00:18:22Manning.
00:18:22Whey powder, anal probiotic, and a sound bath?
00:18:25Not quite.
00:18:26Tanner.
00:18:26Triple dose of alpha brain
00:18:27and a cold plunge in blue jeans.
00:18:29Bingo.
00:18:29Get on it.
00:18:31Oh, no.
00:18:31He's in shock!
00:18:32He's in shock!
00:18:33Uh-oh.
00:18:33I need all hands!
00:18:34Tanner, power up!
00:18:35Yep, got it.
00:18:38Clear!
00:18:42What is?
00:18:43It's gonna go look really nice.
00:18:46I hope next time you question my diagnosis,
00:18:48you'll do it in private.
00:18:49Stay in your lane.
00:18:50I'm the doctor here.
00:18:52Excuse me?
00:18:53I'm a certified energy healer.
00:18:54My Instagram account,
00:18:55Da Wellness Cheek,
00:18:56has over 3,000 followers,
00:18:58so don't you dare try to tell me
00:18:59how to do my job.
00:19:00I need some air.
00:19:02I'm going outside to sun my taint!
00:19:04And in my hospital,
00:19:06emotions run high.
00:19:07You could be anywhere.
00:19:09Why are you in my hospital?
00:19:10You want to know why I'm here, huh?
00:19:12Fine.
00:19:13My parents died from the COVID vaccine.
00:19:15Oh, my God.
00:19:16I'm so sorry.
00:19:17Yeah.
00:19:18I found out they got it,
00:19:19and I shot them.
00:19:22I'm going to lunch.
00:19:23Five stars raise the liver kit.
00:19:25Measles ain't gonna cure itself.
00:19:26Let's go.
00:19:27Come on.
00:19:28How's she doing?
00:19:29She's on life support.
00:19:30She was fairly healthy before the accident.
00:19:32The only thing is,
00:19:34she's a vegan.
00:19:39Well,
00:19:40that's what we could do.
00:19:43Are you insane?
00:19:45What the hell are you doing?
00:19:46Are you crazy?
00:19:47Uh-uh.
00:19:48Not in my hospital.
00:19:50If your favorite character from the pit
00:19:52was the guy who punched the nurse in the face,
00:19:54you'll love my hospital.
00:19:55Clear the area.
00:19:56It's possible to bring one in himself.
00:19:59Coming through.
00:20:00With a special appearance by RFK Jr.
00:20:02Coming through.
00:20:03Come on.
00:20:03Help me out here.
00:20:07Is that a bear?
00:20:08I hit him with my car on the way over here.
00:20:11Prep him.
00:20:12For surgery?
00:20:13For jerky.
00:20:14It's been dead for days,
00:20:16but the meat's still good.
00:20:18Prep him.
00:20:18All right, let's move.
00:20:20I'm proud of each and every one of you.
00:20:22You've been told over and over,
00:20:24you're crazy.
00:20:25What you're doing is dangerous and irresponsible.
00:20:28But you did it anyway.
00:20:30She needs some more raw milk.
00:20:32Now.
00:20:32Maybe it's the brain worm talking,
00:20:35but I love this team.
00:20:38Now drop and give me 50.
00:20:40Come back to the sky.
00:20:43Ma Hospital.
00:20:45Coming soon to the Daily Wire.
00:20:59Guys, you ever just want to get up,
00:21:02stand up, and get up out the house?
00:21:04Enough of this regular everyday life,
00:21:06am I right?
00:21:07Maybe it's time to set sail up on the water
00:21:09with a gorgeous, you're a penis cruise.
00:21:12Straight out of Rotterdam,
00:21:14it's Spackle of the Sea.
00:21:16Grand Cosmopolitan Cruise.
00:21:17Let's go.
00:21:26Hello.
00:21:27I'm Leica.
00:21:28And I'm Goose.
00:21:29And we're here to give you a tour
00:21:30of our big, beautiful,
00:21:32floating powder machine.
00:21:33With so much great stuff,
00:21:35a grand casino,
00:21:36a gorgeous bar,
00:21:37and a seafood buffet
00:21:38you can smell from 50 meters away.
00:21:40So many great smells.
00:21:43But what Spackle of the Sea
00:21:45is most known for
00:21:46is our world-class entertainment.
00:21:48I'm a ride.
00:21:49You're right.
00:21:50Rock the night away
00:21:51with Croatian rockers,
00:21:53so ride a boat.
00:21:54Let's go.
00:21:57Rock the night away with Croatian rockers,
00:21:58so ride a boat.
00:22:00There's only one thing to swing and shine.
00:22:03Hot dog.
00:22:04Hot dog.
00:22:05To the night.
00:22:06Hot dog.
00:22:06Hot dog.
00:22:07It's your dog ride.
00:22:08Hot dog.
00:22:10Hot dog and you.
00:22:15I feel we're in danger
00:22:17of rocking too much.
00:22:19I need to slow this party train down
00:22:20before I go crazy.
00:22:22Hey, no problem.
00:22:24If you want to get super slow
00:22:25sexual downtown long,
00:22:28then get ready for German R&B superstar
00:22:31Jonto Sexmühle.
00:22:32Let's go.
00:22:35Aha.
00:22:37Ja klar.
00:22:39Oh ja.
00:22:40Natürlich.
00:22:42Für alles, was ich gern habe,
00:22:44unschuldigung.
00:22:45Für alles, was ich bin,
00:22:47unschuldigung.
00:22:49Für alles, was passiert,
00:22:51ist unschuldigung.
00:22:53Bitte haben Sie jetzt
00:22:54Sex mit mir?
00:22:59Oh, wow.
00:23:01So sexual.
00:23:03I want to put him in my pocket
00:23:04and carry him around town
00:23:05like a pinna-panna-con.
00:23:07Ha ha ha.
00:23:08He's much too big for that.
00:23:09But Sparkle on the Sea
00:23:11is more than music.
00:23:12We also have variety acts.
00:23:14Ah.
00:23:15Do you like magic
00:23:16while something seems one way,
00:23:17but in reality,
00:23:18it is another?
00:23:19Then you'll love Felix
00:23:21the Flourish Musician.
00:23:22One hour,
00:23:23one trick,
00:23:24constant flourishes.
00:23:26Let's go.
00:23:50Wow, I love an edging magician.
00:23:53He takes you right to the brink.
00:23:55Hey, guys,
00:23:56here's a question
00:23:57I'd love the answer to.
00:23:58Are you ready to laugh?
00:24:00No, I need a second.
00:24:04Okay, I'm ready.
00:24:06And you'll laugh much too much
00:24:08at French
00:24:08Duck Jam comedian,
00:24:10John K.
00:24:11John, let's go.
00:24:13Yeah, bon to the jour, y'all.
00:24:15You know what I'm saying?
00:24:16Let me ask y'all a question.
00:24:17Y'all remember when your mama
00:24:18used to cook you a cassoulet
00:24:20with the duck confit?
00:24:22Man, brothers be eating
00:24:24some cassoulet, boy.
00:24:26I swear I could eat
00:24:27about Trace Couture's
00:24:29cassoulet all by myself.
00:24:31But they ain't the same today.
00:24:33My woman cooked me a cassoulet
00:24:34the other day
00:24:34with something called
00:24:35impossible meat.
00:24:37Man, I about took my ass
00:24:38all the way to Brussels.
00:24:40I turned around and I said,
00:24:42you damn right
00:24:43it's impossible meat
00:24:44because say impossible
00:24:45they to eat it.
00:24:46Zoot the Lord!
00:24:53Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:24:54We've all been there,
00:24:55am I right?
00:24:56Yeah.
00:24:57And if you want to keep
00:24:58that smile up on your face,
00:25:00join us in the grand ballroom
00:25:02for a Friday night rock party
00:25:03and not just blow your ass off.
00:25:06They may not speak English,
00:25:08but they sing it phonetically.
00:25:10It's Polish pop group
00:25:11City Vogue Machine.
00:25:13Let's go!
00:25:17Grigio, grigio
00:25:20Ni no, no, I can't ever feel a cow
00:25:25Lady Melly Chuggie, I
00:25:27Lady Melly Chuggie, I
00:25:30Lady Melly Chuggie, I
00:25:32Lady Melly Chuggie, I
00:25:34Lady Melly Chuggie, I
00:25:35Lady Melly Chuggie, I
00:25:40Totally nailed it.
00:25:42Wasn't that amazing, Goose?
00:25:43Honestly, I did not care
00:25:45too much for that one.
00:25:47But we know you love
00:25:49all the entertainment
00:25:50big and special extravaganzas
00:25:52on Sparkle of the Sea,
00:25:53Grand Coast, my palatine
00:25:55cruise.
00:25:56A cruise is just like
00:25:57being in a hotel, but
00:25:58you can drum.
00:26:00So come on, drum the fuck.
00:26:01And leave the entertainment
00:26:03to who?
00:26:04To us!
00:26:09Sparkle of the Sea cruises,
00:26:10but Germans come to
00:26:11drink and smile.
00:26:12He he he he.
00:26:13He he he.
00:26:15He he.
00:26:15He he he.
00:26:23All right, guys, thanks for
00:26:25coming in early.
00:26:26I just wanted to get the
00:26:27team together before the
00:26:28store opens to discuss
00:26:29some changes to the Best Buy
00:26:32Rewards Program.
00:26:33Points, points, baby.
00:26:35Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:26:36Ding, ding.
00:26:43Thank you, Rebecca.
00:26:45Anyway, it's pretty simple.
00:26:47Starting today, customers
00:26:48who sign up will
00:26:49be getting double points
00:26:50on all appliances.
00:26:52Does anyone have any questions?
00:26:55Yes, I have a question.
00:26:57Am I in trouble?
00:27:01Nope.
00:27:02We're just here to talk
00:27:03about the rewards program, Mr. Pootie.
00:27:06Okay, because I had heard
00:27:08that there were some rumors being spread about me,
00:27:11like, moving sexually
00:27:14towards some of the men's in the store.
00:27:17I mean, is that why you gathered us?
00:27:20Like, to arrest me?
00:27:22For those rumors?
00:27:25Nope.
00:27:26It's our standard Tuesday meeting, Mr. Pootie.
00:27:30No one's getting arrested.
00:27:32Okay, that's good.
00:27:34Because what they had said was that
00:27:36I had manipulated the nipples of some of the men's or something.
00:27:40Like, is that true?
00:27:42Like, could that be correct?
00:27:46Uh, I am not aware of that.
00:27:50Anyway, this change applies to anything
00:27:53in the appliance section, including air fryers, guys.
00:27:57Okay? Does that make sense?
00:27:59Totally.
00:27:59I love that.
00:28:00Okay.
00:28:00Mr. Pootie?
00:28:02You clear on the point system?
00:28:04Uh, no, not at all.
00:28:06Um, but what I can say is
00:28:08whatever I had supposedly did with certain men
00:28:11was probably something that I had always wanted to do.
00:28:16And, like, something that they had liked
00:28:19manipulating their nipples and so forth.
00:28:21And I'm gonna stand ten toes on that.
00:28:25Okay, um, you know, I'm not totally trying to dig in to what you're talking about, Mr. Pootie,
00:28:33but there haven't been any complaints, and no one is in trouble.
00:28:37Okay, because if someone were to be arrested, I would nominate Christopher.
00:28:46Well, this man here has a very strong bisexual magnetism.
00:28:55And every day, he has tried to allure me sexually against my wills into jeopardizing my job and my reputation.
00:29:05Whoa, I've never tried to seduce Mr. Pootie.
00:29:09Um, a man this foin has no business selling stereophonic sound systems.
00:29:16It's like he was sent by a loser for himself to awaken a demon within me.
00:29:20Um, you wanna write that down for the record?
00:29:23No, take that off the record.
00:29:25There is no record.
00:29:27Well, put this on the record.
00:29:30The other day, a customer came into the PC and computer area,
00:29:35and they was looking for what else dongles.
00:29:39Christopher said,
00:29:40It would be my pleasure to take you through my PC area and show you the dongles.
00:29:48Man, he can't be saying stuff like that around me.
00:29:51I had to go on the wall for damn near my whole shift just to cool off.
00:29:56Uh, okay, I'm pretty good at my job.
00:29:59I don't know how that's a bad thing.
00:30:01Okay, Mr. Pootie, it sounds like you're just attracted to Christopher
00:30:06and upset that it's not reciprocated.
00:30:09Not reciprocated.
00:30:12Um, no, Christopher Ben got up in these drawers.
00:30:15Yeah, he manipulated my nipples on my birthdays.
00:30:20Ah.
00:30:21And let's just say my current wife was, uh, seriously displeased.
00:30:25I'm sorry, current wife?
00:30:28Yes, that is correct.
00:30:30My previous wife passed away in a fountain that was like two inches deep.
00:30:34I was like, what you doing down there, Beth Pootie?
00:30:38Stand up!
00:30:44It was, it was so sad, y'all.
00:30:48Anyways, what was the question?
00:30:51Mr. Pootie, if you can't stop being disruptive, I'll have to give you a write-up.
00:30:57Hey!
00:30:58Don't you dare talk to Mr. Pootie that way.
00:31:01Oh, my God.
00:31:06He works hard.
00:31:07That's what I sure do.
00:31:08Yeah.
00:31:10I've been attracted to Pootie since the day I met him.
00:31:12I know that, right?
00:31:14But I immediately told HR about it, and they said they thought it'd be really cute, and
00:31:19I should go for it.
00:31:20So, yes, I have manipulated this man's nipples on multiple occasions.
00:31:25And, whoop, there it is.
00:31:29I have a question for you, Poots.
00:31:31Yes.
00:31:33Edward James Pootie will be so kind as to accompany me on a date at the Cheesecake Factory tonight.
00:31:41Hmm.
00:31:42I have a counterproposal.
00:31:44Instead of the Cheesecake Factory tonight, how about the headphone area right now?
00:31:50Whatever Pootie wants, Pootie gets.
00:31:52I heard that!
00:31:59Okay!
00:32:00Well.
00:32:02I guess those guys are going to go hook up in the store.
00:32:05So, thanks, everybody.
00:32:07Meeting's over.
00:32:08And, Rebecca, take your meds, girl.
00:32:30Ladies and gentlemen.
00:32:44I don't think we should be lost in order of friends, but the music keeps hitting me like a ten
00:32:51out of ten.
00:32:52So, I don't think we should be lost in order of friends, but the music keeps hitting me like a
00:32:56ten out of ten.
00:32:56So, I don't think we should be lost in order of friends, but the music keeps hitting me like a
00:33:08ten out of ten.
00:33:20So, I don't think we should be lost in order of friends, but the music keeps hitting me like a
00:33:31ten out of ten.
00:33:32So, I don't think we should be lost in order of friends, but the music keeps hitting me like a
00:33:46ten out of ten.
00:33:50So, I don't think we should be lost in order of friends, but the music keeps hitting me like a
00:34:09ten out of ten.
00:34:09So, I don't think we should be lost in order of friends, but the music keeps hitting me like a
00:34:20ten out of ten.
00:34:20So, I don't think we should be lost in order of friends, but the music keeps hitting me like a
00:34:35ten out of ten.
00:34:38So, I don't think we should be lost in order of friends, but the music keeps hitting me like a
00:34:45ten out of ten.
00:34:48So, I don't think we should be lost in order of friends at the inside.
00:34:51So, I don't think we should close behind her.
00:34:54So, I don't think we should be able to make this next.
00:35:07I just don't think we should not toeseå.
00:35:12DJ, stop, dance, don't worry.
00:35:16We wanna dance with all our fans.
00:35:20DJ, stop, dance, don't worry.
00:35:23It's feeling like the music has been living to sin.
00:35:27There's no difference in between the tears and the sweat.
00:35:32DJ, stop, dance, don't worry.
00:35:36DJ, stop, dance, don't worry.
00:35:39It's a game, beware, respect, respect your mother.
00:36:04It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Chang.
00:36:17Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone.
00:36:19Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Chang.
00:36:21I'm Colin Jost.
00:36:24Today marks the start of the third week of the war in Iran,
00:36:28which is weird because someone told me
00:36:30that we already won it on the first day.
00:36:33Usually when a team wins,
00:36:35they don't then stay on the field for three more weeks.
00:36:38It kind of seems like the main thing we've done so far
00:36:41is get rid of an 86-year-old Ayatollah hominy
00:36:44and replace him with a 56-year-old Ayatollah hominy.
00:36:48You know, a younger, crazier bad guy,
00:36:50hell-bent on revenge.
00:36:52We did it.
00:36:55Also, is it weird that I'm kind of jealous
00:36:56that Iran now has a leader under 80 years old?
00:37:00God, remember how much better our country was doing
00:37:03when we had a young Muslim leader?
00:37:10I don't know if he caught the Muslim part.
00:37:13President Trump said in an interview
00:37:15that he believes Iran's Ayatollah Mushtab Khomeini
00:37:19is damaged but probably alive in some form,
00:37:23which is also a pretty great description of Trump.
00:37:28Khomeini was chosen by Iran's 88-member Assembly of Experts.
00:37:34Make that 62 members.
00:37:39President Trump posted a message on Troop's social reading,
00:37:43Iran will have a great future.
00:37:45Make Iran great again, or M-I-G-A.
00:37:49As in, this migger crazy.
00:37:55I wanted to do that one.
00:37:58The FBI has reportedly warned police departments
00:38:01in California that Iran could retaliate
00:38:04by launching drones at high-profile targets
00:38:06on the West Coast.
00:38:08The Oscars tomorrow on ABC.
00:38:15Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.,
00:38:18seen here back from his mission to the sun,
00:38:25said he's recovering from rotator cuff surgery
00:38:28on his shoulder.
00:38:29Well, well, well, look who needs me now,
00:38:32said Tylenol.
00:38:36A school board in New Jersey is considering a proposal
00:38:39to rename an elementary school after President Trump.
00:38:42Name Trump Elementary home of the fighting allegations.
00:38:50How many of you like this?
00:38:51A statue, a statue has appeared on the National Mall
00:38:55that depicts President Trump and Jeffrey Epstein
00:38:58in the famous pose from Titanic.
00:39:00Because as they said on the Titanic,
00:39:03women and children first.
00:39:11North Korean leader Kim Jong-un took his teenage daughter
00:39:14to a munitions factory where they test-fired pistols together.
00:39:18Uh, girl dad.
00:39:22A special election was held in Georgia
00:39:24to replace Marjorie Taylor Greene.
00:39:27The election was won by the candidate
00:39:28most similar to Greene,
00:39:30a Confederate He-Man doll.
00:39:35Industry experts are saying that the best actor
00:39:38at tomorrow night's Oscars
00:39:39will go to either Michael B. Jordan,
00:39:41an actor who embodied two separate roles
00:39:43exploring themes of race and ancestral trauma
00:39:46or ping-pong guy.
00:39:52While many are excited for the Oscars tomorrow,
00:39:55some people think liberal politics
00:39:57are influencing the awards too much.
00:39:59Here with his take
00:40:00is conservative commentator Tucker Carlson.
00:40:06Thank you, Colin.
00:40:08Let's all go to the movies.
00:40:10Huh. Really?
00:40:12Yes. Why don't we grab some popcorn
00:40:14and watch American culture collapse?
00:40:17What are we doing?
00:40:19What's going on?
00:40:21All right. Coming in hot.
00:40:23Well, how do you feel about this year's nominees?
00:40:26Where to even begin?
00:40:27Oh, I know.
00:40:29Why don't we talk about sinners?
00:40:31That's right. Sinners.
00:40:32Because, of course,
00:40:34Leftist Woke America's favorite movie this year
00:40:36is about sinning.
00:40:37Huh. Really?
00:40:39Why does that not surprise me?
00:40:41No. Sorry, kids.
00:40:43We don't go to church anymore.
00:40:44We go to sinners.
00:40:46That's the rule.
00:40:47That's the goal now.
00:40:49What are we doing?
00:40:51What's going on?
00:40:54Okay.
00:40:56All right.
00:40:56So you didn't...
00:40:57You didn't like sinners.
00:41:00You didn't like sinners.
00:41:01What about Hamnet?
00:41:02Oh, Hamnet.
00:41:03Because we're not allowed to say Hamlet anymore.
00:41:06No, no.
00:41:07They took the L and gave it to the GBTQ.
00:41:11Oh.
00:41:11So it's Hamnet now.
00:41:12What are we doing?
00:41:14What's going on?
00:41:16Hamnet.
00:41:17A movie about a boy who shows interest in theater dies.
00:41:20Oh.
00:41:23I actually really like that part.
00:41:25That's the part you like?
00:41:27Excuse me.
00:41:28Hey, excuse me.
00:41:29Excuse me.
00:41:29Excuse me.
00:41:30Hey, excuse me.
00:41:32No one is interrupting you.
00:41:34Excuse me.
00:41:34Excuse me.
00:41:36Moving on to begonia.
00:41:38Huh.
00:41:39Really?
00:41:40I guess heterosexual women aren't allowed to have hair anymore.
00:41:44They have to shave their heads instead of their armpits.
00:41:47And I'm supposed to be attracted to that?
00:41:50No.
00:41:51Oh.
00:41:51Oh, boys.
00:41:52Don't look at my breasts.
00:41:53Look at my scalp.
00:41:56That's the rule.
00:41:57That's the goal now.
00:42:00What are we doing?
00:42:01You keep talking about a goal.
00:42:02What goal?
00:42:03Colin, whatever happened to the great American films?
00:42:07Like Gone with the Wind or the first 20 minutes of Forrest Gump?
00:42:11The first 20 minutes?
00:42:12You mean the part where they're bullying him?
00:42:13I love that part.
00:42:22Man, dude, I gotta tell you, that laugh is just awful.
00:42:25That's not my laugh.
00:42:26That's the soul of an 18th-century mental patient
00:42:29trying to escape from this lock-in.
00:42:32Why do you have that?
00:42:34And finally, one battle after another.
00:42:37What is this? What's going on?
00:42:39I'm genuinely asking. I did not see that movie.
00:42:42Tucker Carlson, everyone.
00:42:44What's going on?
00:42:44What's going on?
00:42:47Hey, excuse me.
00:42:48Excuse me. Excuse me.
00:42:53Damn out of bio of the Miami Heat
00:42:55scored 83 points in a game against the Wizards.
00:42:59Unfortunately, it was the night the Wizards
00:43:00started five Make-A-Wish kids.
00:43:06These jokes are not real, guys.
00:43:09Taco Bell has announced new additions to their...
00:43:14Do you, like, work for Taco Bell?
00:43:18Are you just a huge fan?
00:43:21Everyone else is like, Harry Styles.
00:43:23You're like, Taco Bell!
00:43:26Taco Bell has announced new additions to their menu,
00:43:28including Diablo-dusted chicken nuggets
00:43:31and Mountain Dew Baja midnight pie.
00:43:35In keeping with their new slogan,
00:43:37Taco Bell, death to America!
00:43:42That one might be real.
00:43:43Florida police have arrested a woman on charges
00:43:46that she left her 12-year-old daughter
00:43:48at Universal City Walk while she went to a bar.
00:43:52So, apparently, it's a crime
00:43:53to find that kid a father.
00:44:00YouTube is...
00:44:01That's the goal!
00:44:02That's the goal!
00:44:02What's the goal?
00:44:03YouTube has launched a new tool
00:44:05that will allow reporters to flag videos
00:44:07that use AI to recreate their likeness,
00:44:10like these computer-generated reporters.
00:44:13Uh, I think I would know if they were using AI.
00:44:26My breasts look incredible.
00:44:28A new study suggests that the difference in size
00:44:31between a person's index and ring fingers
00:44:34can reveal their sexual orientation.
00:44:37The study says if your index finger
00:44:39is over an inch inside of a fella,
00:44:41he might be going.
00:44:47I didn't know that.
00:44:48I didn't know it's good enough.
00:44:49No, it's a good...
00:44:50That's a good way to know.
00:44:51Apple announced that it's adding eight new emojis,
00:44:54including a treasure chest, a trombone,
00:44:57and me in middle school breaking my father's heart.
00:45:04Netflix announced plans for a sequel
00:45:06to the hit movie K-pop Demon Hunters,
00:45:08and they better have new songs,
00:45:10because if I hear a kid sing Golden one more time,
00:45:13I'm gonna blow my brains up, up, up.
00:45:21Same Taco Bell person liked it.
00:45:24The winners of the annual wife-carrying contest in England
00:45:28was a couple from Finland,
00:45:29while once again the winner
00:45:31of the husband-carrying contest was Scarlett.
00:45:43We both put food on the table.
00:45:46There are different kinds of food.
00:45:49Apple is releasing eight new emojis this spring.
00:45:52As I mentioned, here to comment
00:45:53are, according to the latest data,
00:45:56the number one most used
00:45:57and number one least used emojis,
00:46:00Red Heart and Ariel Tramway.
00:46:08Y'all know me.
00:46:10Y'all know me.
00:46:11Ariel Tramway!
00:46:16Ariel Tramway!
00:46:19Yeah.
00:46:20Wow.
00:46:20Thanks for both being here.
00:46:22So what do you think about the new emojis?
00:46:24Dude, all I know is they're all gonna be
00:46:26more popular than this loser.
00:46:28I'm number one because I'm useful.
00:46:30People use me for everything.
00:46:32I miss you, heart.
00:46:34Here's a pic of my dog, heart.
00:46:35Here's a pic of my bare ass, heart, heart, heart, heart, heart.
00:46:39Ariel Tramway is only used
00:46:41when talking about that specific
00:46:42cable-based transportation.
00:46:45Cap! Cap! Cap! Cap! Cap!
00:46:48No, it's not cap.
00:46:49Cap!
00:46:49No, it's not.
00:46:50Cap!
00:46:51When would someone use you?
00:46:52Okay, hey, I'm gonna take the Ariel Tramway.
00:46:57Hey, I'm on the Ariel Tramway.
00:47:01Okay, what other uses that aren't about physically riding it?
00:47:06Yo, man, girl got me acting like an Ariel Tramway.
00:47:12That makes no sense.
00:47:13It makes all the sense.
00:47:15It makes no sense.
00:47:16It makes no sense.
00:47:18Colin, you should see this guy's crew.
00:47:20They're such dorks.
00:47:21Nope. Wait, hold on.
00:47:22I didn't realize that emojis have friends?
00:47:24Yes, man.
00:47:25And my crew is fire.
00:47:27I roll with, like, crying tears face.
00:47:29He's cool as hell.
00:47:31Thumbs up.
00:47:31That's my OG, original gangster.
00:47:34The eyes like this.
00:47:35Boom.
00:47:37That's my dog, okay?
00:47:38And 100 with two lions under it.
00:47:41That's my day one.
00:47:43My crew, all bangers.
00:47:46I'm rolling with my boy, Orange Square.
00:47:53Orange Square sucks.
00:47:55Nah, dude.
00:47:56Yes, he sucks.
00:47:56Of course, we got division science.
00:48:00Dog water, he sucks.
00:48:02Snorkel.
00:48:04Snorkel equipment.
00:48:07And my boy, the goat, building with a horn on it.
00:48:12Building with a horn on it.
00:48:14Building with a horn on it.
00:48:16What even is that?
00:48:18What even is that?
00:48:19Is that, like, a horn store?
00:48:21Or a horn school.
00:48:24That's just as bad.
00:48:25It makes no sense.
00:48:26You don't make no sense.
00:48:30Aerial tram, wife.
00:48:33Aerial tram, wife.
00:48:35Most, dude, it sucks, dude.
00:48:39Most of his crew is RBF.
00:48:46I'm sorry, what's RBF?
00:48:48It's right before the flags.
00:48:52You know how the flags are at the end, right?
00:48:56This dude and all his loser friends.
00:48:59What?
00:49:00What?
00:49:02What?
00:49:02Aerial tram, wife.
00:49:03Aerial tram, wife.
00:49:05They're right before, they're right before the flags, dude.
00:49:09Him and all his friends.
00:49:11And you know how the, because he's back there with all the flags, that's why he can't get
00:49:18a fine-ass girl like I can.
00:49:20Oh.
00:49:21Wow.
00:49:21Red Heart, you got a girlfriend.
00:49:22Yeah, dude.
00:49:23It's kind of new.
00:49:24I don't want to jinx it, but I've kind of been chilling with the lady dancer in a red dress
00:49:29with her arms like this.
00:49:32Ugly.
00:49:34Ugly.
00:49:35Ugly, my girl.
00:49:37Yo, shout out to my girl.
00:49:38The word on with two arrows above it.
00:49:42The word on with two arrows above it.
00:49:45That is so sad.
00:49:46That is so sad.
00:49:47Under what circumstances would anyone ever use that emoji?
00:49:54Let me think.
00:49:56If something to both the left and the right is on.
00:50:03All right.
00:50:04I can't even be here anymore.
00:50:06I can't be with this guy.
00:50:07Thanks for having me.
00:50:08I got to go home.
00:50:09You're leaving?
00:50:09Wait, wait.
00:50:10How are you getting home?
00:50:11Um.
00:50:14Say it.
00:50:18Say it.
00:50:20I'm taking the Ariel Tramble.
00:50:22Hey!
00:50:23Yeah!
00:50:24Red Heart and Ariel Tramble.
00:50:27For Weekend Update.
00:50:27I'm Colin Jones.
00:50:28I'm Michael Chang.
00:50:30Good night.
00:50:30Ariel Tramble.
00:50:45Are you sure you'll be okay carrying these on your motorcycle?
00:50:49Who, me?
00:50:50Yeah, I got this under control, man.
00:50:53I've never done it before, but I'll only be driving on the highway.
00:50:57All right, so take care, man.
00:51:02Steve, you forgot the part where he pays.
00:51:06Again, I know you're the high school quarterback, but this job needs to be a priority for you,
00:51:11okay?
00:51:12This job is a priority for me.
00:51:14It goes football, school, my boys, weed, my boys, my sneakers, a few other things that
00:51:19I'm forgetting, then this job.
00:51:21Well, look alive.
00:51:23Another one's pulling up.
00:51:25Okay, he's here.
00:51:26Steve's working.
00:51:27Okay, we're just going to ask him straight up.
00:51:29Okay, we'll say, Steve, you want to go to the dance?
00:51:31And he'll say, yes, a resounding yes.
00:51:33Resounding yes, we got this.
00:51:34Okay, we're ready, we're ready, we got this.
00:51:36Great.
00:51:37Okay.
00:51:38Hi there.
00:51:39That'll be 1897.
00:51:45Order 23, right?
00:51:48Oh, wait, I know you guys.
00:51:50We go to high school together.
00:51:55Got both the mold when he made you.
00:51:57Look, it's fabulous, Steve.
00:51:59Perhaps a kiss for the lady.
00:52:00Maybe on the front.
00:52:02Yes!
00:52:02Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,
00:52:05go, go, go, go.
00:52:07Steve!
00:52:08Did you not even give those people their burgers?
00:52:10What is going on?
00:52:11Why are people speeding around the building?
00:52:13it's just these two girls from my high school do you know them no but I know
00:52:18they're the only two members of the school's Quidditch team that went
00:52:24perfectly oh my gosh we're shining we have him wrapped around our finger like a snake
00:52:30how could he say no I mean he's getting a bargain he's a ten more two five okay
00:52:34the seal of a lifetime okay we've set the bait now let's reel him in hey see you guys
00:52:42again you guys want your burger well Steve the burgers are good but what about the boy they
00:52:48say I would like to crunch you up like a bag of chips okay sounds like a plan how would
00:52:52I use
00:52:53your ass as a table put my elbows on it not a manner in sight did I say ass I
00:52:57meant to say ass
00:53:03Steve what is going on they're racing around here like a NASCAR track it's not my fault
00:53:09am I on impractical jokers right now am I being impractically joked upon because I cannot let
00:53:17that happen again oh my god what's your next move I think next time we uh we just say like
00:53:24hey dance like simple as that simple as that okay that's perfect that's perfect okay
00:53:33hello Steve so does your penis no
00:53:40Steve those girls are doing freaking donuts out there mr. burger Steve hey did you guys want
00:53:47your burger um Steve I'll tell you what I want to ride you to death of course I'm a virgin
00:53:54but I
00:53:54have a book that tells me exactly how it works um and Steve if we went all the way and
00:53:59if it came
00:53:59down to it I want you to know I wouldn't keep it what's going on with you guys look we
00:54:10got nervous
00:54:11but we came here to ask you something will you go to dance with us I would love to go
00:54:18to the dance
00:54:19with both of you guys it's the deal of a lifetime I'm a 10 and you guys are both sixes
00:54:25and two sixes
00:54:26add up to like 11. sixes oh my god he calls a sixes he thinks we're beautiful well I'll see
00:54:35you two at the dance
00:54:36dancing the night away with you Steve sounds like a plan excuse me
00:54:42I crashed a motorcycle can you two sevens take me to the hospital
00:54:49sevens
00:55:08once again Harry Styles
00:55:19tell me your fears turn back the clocks it's that time of year if we stay the course we could
00:55:27get it
00:55:28right but I'm not devoid of an appetite
00:55:34as all of this seemed to be bringing us clouded and unboxing your life judging while you drive
00:55:50just for tonight let's go hang over chasing and I'll talk your ear off
00:55:57about why it's safe as I fumble my words and fall flat on my face through the truth
00:56:07just say the word and we'll take up the test where we flirt with the bad ones and skip all
00:56:14the rest
00:56:15but we see out the night with your head on my chest me and you
00:56:25there's only me and you
00:56:33I see your tears on the count of my wants and now it appears
00:56:39that I'm feeling guilty and worried dear that you think that I might not want you here
00:56:49cause all of this seemed to be bringing us closer at my backseat in your life
00:57:05just for tonight let's go hangover chasing and I'll talk your ear off about why it's safe as I fumble
00:57:14my words and fall flat on my face through the truth
00:57:21just say the word and we'll take up the test where we flirt with the bad ones and skip all
00:57:29the rest
00:57:30but we'll see out the night with your head on my chest me and you
00:57:40there's only me and you
00:58:12there's only me too
00:58:13there's only me and you
00:58:37There's only me and you
00:58:46La la la la la
00:59:13La la la la
00:59:27La la la la
00:59:29La la la la
01:00:06La la la la
01:00:09La la la
01:00:26La la la
01:00:56La la la la
01:01:02La la la la
01:01:08La la la la
01:01:38La la la la
01:01:39La la la
01:02:14La la la la la la
01:02:28La la la la la la
01:02:53La la la la la la la
01:03:03I'm not convinced
01:03:05When you see me in a
01:03:07Side by side with Harry
01:03:08The answer is definitely
01:03:09No
01:03:09But when you see me alone
01:03:11The answer is also no
01:03:14La la la la la la, pants on fire
01:03:16Or as we say in England
01:03:18A liar for shame
01:03:19Trousers a flame
01:03:21You look sassy, mate
01:03:22Now show him your tushies
01:03:25Zoom in on that thing
01:03:28Look at those biscuits
01:03:32Going for a more formal look?
01:03:34We've got you covered
01:03:36My wife loves Harry Styles
01:03:37She never say this, but I know deep down
01:03:40She's sad I'm not him
01:03:41So I surprised her for our anniversary dinner
01:03:44By wearing this Harry for him blouse
01:03:47Harry wore to the Met Ball
01:03:50When Harry wore this, my wife said
01:03:52That he looked like the embodiment of elegant masculinity
01:03:55When I wore this, she said
01:03:57You look like a serial killer
01:03:58Who's wearing the clothes of a woman he killed
01:04:01Then dump her, boy, because you look hot
01:04:03And if this is too formal for you
01:04:04We also offer more casual options
01:04:07It's hard to explain
01:04:09But on Harry, this outfit just works
01:04:12When he wore this to an awards show
01:04:15He received glowing reviews
01:04:16And when I wore this to my 12-year-old son's basketball game
01:04:21The reviews were mixed
01:04:22Some people told me I looked terrible
01:04:25While others told me to go home and change
01:04:29Never change, boo
01:04:30You look gorgeous
01:04:31Stop, Harry
01:04:34Looking for something more subtle
01:04:35I have to look for you
01:04:44On the rack, I gotta be honest
01:04:46This kinda looks like just a little girl's dress
01:04:51But when I put it on, I said
01:04:53Oh, this is just a little girl's dress
01:04:56When Harry wore this at a concert
01:04:59The girls went insane
01:05:01But when I, when I wore this to work
01:05:05My boss said
01:05:06This is not the proper attire
01:05:09For a Wells Fargo loan officer
01:05:12Is your boss blind?
01:05:14You have the perfect legs for this Dorothy dress
01:05:16And the perfect tushie
01:05:18Show him the bum, mate
01:05:19Okay, Harry
01:05:23Now, put some honey on that biscuit
01:05:27I guarantee my Harry for him looks
01:05:30Will have you sane
01:05:31I had to get all the way naked
01:05:33To use the urinal
01:05:35And that's a promise
01:05:38I encouraged my husband
01:05:40To wear Harry for him's
01:05:41And it worked
01:05:42He wore a sparkly turtleneck
01:05:45With no pants to our divorce hearing
01:05:47And the judge awarded me full custody
01:05:50Thanks, Harry, for him
01:05:53At first, I was
01:05:55At first, I was nervous about wearing this
01:05:58Especially to a funeral
01:06:02But low-key
01:06:03I'm dripped out right now
01:06:04Here we go
01:06:11Yeah
01:06:12It's a pretty vast departure from how I normally dress
01:06:16But low-key, I feel confident as hell right now
01:06:19But high-key, I'm uncomfortable
01:06:21And high-key, I'm sweating
01:06:23And high-key, I'm insecure
01:06:26But low-key, I look like Harry Styles
01:06:29But high-key, I don't
01:06:33So get my clothes today
01:06:35On you
01:06:36With Harry for him
01:06:37Available at Target
01:06:38Show me the kitchen
01:06:42Harry for him
01:06:44Available exclusively at Target
01:06:46And the men's section
01:06:47And the men's section plans
01:06:58Thank you for Paul Simon
01:07:01Thank you, Ryan Gosling
01:07:03I've had an amazing week
01:07:04Thank you to all the cast
01:07:05And everyone at SNL
01:07:07Happy St. Patrick's Day
01:07:08Be kind to each other
01:07:10Look after each other
01:07:11Be people of kindness
01:07:12Good night
01:07:13Good night
01:07:13Good night
01:07:15Good night
01:07:16Good night
01:07:17Good night
01:07:19Good night
01:07:20Good night
01:07:31Good night
01:07:32Good night
01:07:33Good night
01:07:34Good night
01:07:35Good night
01:07:36Good night
01:07:37Good night
01:07:37Good night
01:07:38Good night
01:07:39Good night
01:07:40Good night
01:07:41Good night
01:07:41Good night
01:07:41Good night
01:07:42Good night
01:07:42Good night
01:07:52guitar solo
01:08:21guitar solo
01:08:50guitar solo
01:09:12guitar solo
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