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00:00:02Last evening, at the very normal time of 2 in the morning, President Trump informed
00:00:07the nation that we were at war with Iran.
00:00:09And now with some further thoughts, President Trump.
00:00:13Hello, hi, good evening, and happy World War III to all who celebrate.
00:00:20It's me, Donald Trump, FIFA Peace Prize winner and Nobel Peace Prize taker, yoink.
00:00:27Remember when I did that?
00:00:28I launched this attack after me and my board of peace decided that we were board of peace.
00:00:34A little wordplay there.
00:00:36Did you catch it?
00:00:37As we all know, Iran has been two weeks away from developing a nuclear weapon for like
00:00:43the last 15 years or something.
00:00:46So we had to act now and we're doing war.
00:00:50War!
00:00:51What is it good for distracting from the Epstein files?
00:00:56And I know on the campaign trail, I promised no new foreign wars.
00:01:02But listen, war is plural, right?
00:01:05I'm allowed to do one.
00:01:06Do one foreign war and possibly one civil.
00:01:12To all my mega-voters who are upset and saying this is not what I voted for.
00:01:16Well, you did.
00:01:17Don't you know who I am?
00:01:18I'm me.
00:01:20Even I don't know what I'm gonna do next.
00:01:23Hello from the year 5000.
00:01:25Like, what the hell was that, right?
00:01:27Nobody knows.
00:01:28I'm unpredictable.
00:01:28I'm like a box of chocolates.
00:01:30You never know what you're gonna get.
00:01:32Forrest Gump!
00:01:34Gump!
00:01:36America's favorite time-traveling r-word.
00:01:40We told that story to that nurse on the bench after the feather fell down.
00:01:43Gump!
00:01:45I don't get it.
00:01:46People beg and beg for Trump and then when you get him, you don't like him.
00:01:49What's going on, all right?
00:01:50I'm like new Star Wars movies.
00:01:53They see the trailer for Mandalorian and Groku and they say,
00:01:56Never mind!
00:01:57I don't want that!
00:01:59People are asking, why attack Iran now?
00:02:01Well, we had to strike in the early hours of Saturday,
00:02:04which has two advantages militarily.
00:02:08One, it's after the stock market closes for the weekend.
00:02:11And two, it's to cause immeasurable fear, rage and chaos in the SNL writers' room.
00:02:18Those guys were going crazy.
00:02:19They probably had a big State of the Union address thing they were gonna do.
00:02:24Not anymore!
00:02:25Jeremy was in it.
00:02:26Poor Jeremy.
00:02:27He's got a light show.
00:02:29Put the whole thing in the trash and start fresh.
00:02:32We love that for them.
00:02:34Anyway, with more on this, here's a man I'm gonna blame it on when it doesn't work.
00:02:38Secretary of War Pete Hague says...
00:02:50Yeah, alright, alright, cut the track!
00:02:53Cut the track!
00:02:56And relax, this is a four loco non-elk.
00:03:02What's up dillweeds?
00:03:04As you've probably heard, Operation Epic Fury is underway.
00:03:08And as you can tell from the veins in my neck, I'm pumped!
00:03:12Why'd we call it Epic Fury?
00:03:14Simple!
00:03:15Eight letters!
00:03:16Lines up perfectly for some bitchin' knuckle tats!
00:03:20Yeah!
00:03:22Did them in the wrong order, but you get it!
00:03:25And those are my least problematic tattoos!
00:03:29Shut up!
00:03:31They asked for someone to volunteer to oversee this half-baked operation,
00:03:35and I didn't walk, I ran!
00:03:41When President Trump called me at 2 in the morning, you know I was awake,
00:03:45sober AF, and already training for the mission,
00:03:49playing Prince of Persia, Sands of Time on my GameCube.
00:03:53We love the GameCube, it's underrated.
00:03:55Yeah!
00:03:56Misunderstood system of GameCube.
00:03:58And a small library, it was hard to code for.
00:04:00It was hard to code for.
00:04:03Smart man.
00:04:05But don't let my confident demeanor fool you,
00:04:08I am scared and I don't know what I'm doing.
00:04:11When he said we were gonna blow up the leader of Iran,
00:04:14I thought he was kidding!
00:04:16And now all day long I've been hearing people say,
00:04:18why did we do this?
00:04:20What's the reason for this war?
00:04:21Oh yeah, I actually have the reason right here.
00:04:23It's under my chin, let me get it for you.
00:04:28Good fellas.
00:04:30Bottom line, all of you should be thanking us.
00:04:34We took out a horrendous, horrible leader who was oppressing his own people.
00:04:39But don't get any ideas!
00:04:41And live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live!
00:04:49It's Saturday Night Live!
00:04:52With...
00:04:54Michael Che!
00:05:01Mikey Day!
00:05:09Andrew Dismukes!
00:05:11Andrew Dismukes!
00:05:18Quoey Fineman!
00:05:30Marcelo Fernandez
00:05:35James Austin Johnson
00:05:45Colin Jost
00:05:51Sarah Sherman
00:05:57Kenan Thompson
00:06:03featuring Tommy Brennan
00:06:09Jeremy Colhane
00:06:14Ben Marshall
00:06:22Ashley Padilla
00:06:24Cam Patterson
00:06:30Veronica Slowikowska
00:06:34Jane Wickline
00:06:43Musical guest
00:06:45Mumford & Sons
00:06:49And your host, Connor Story
00:06:56Ladies and gentlemen, Connor Story
00:07:19Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I am so excited to be here. Yes.
00:07:27Okay, okay. Now, some of you may have seen literally all of me on my show, Heated Rivalry. It's a
00:07:34show that has taught a lot of people about hockey and it's taught a lot of straight women that their
00:07:38sexuality is actually gay guy. If you haven't seen it, it's a little spicy, but it's actually a lot more
00:07:46than that. SNL said I could show a clip, so I found one that was good for the whole family.
00:07:51Okay.
00:07:57That is literally all we could show from the show. But the show has totally changed my life. Okay. Right
00:08:04before I got cast, I was a waiter. And yeah. And I've only, so I've only technically been a professional
00:08:11actor for like six months now. But on the other hand, I've been preparing for this my entire life since
00:08:17I was a 12 year old obsessive actor.
00:08:21So it's like, it's like on one hand, I'm totally surprised and humbled that this is happening to me. And
00:08:26on the other hand, this was my destiny. When I was little, I said to my mother, why do I
00:08:35have to have the last name Story? The whole world is going to know me as just Connor. Like I'm
00:08:41Madonna. Or Cher. Or Paddington.
00:08:47Mother, I'm not a story. I'm a whole damn book.
00:08:53I am kidding. Seriously, I promise I'm nothing like that. I am much worse. I'm joking. I definitely did not
00:09:05have a glamorous childhood though. I grew up in Texas and my mom, yeah.
00:09:11I grew up in Texas and my mom would drive me hours to auditions. She even drove me to this
00:09:16weird mall where they did this like national kids talent contest.
00:09:22Which I won hands down. In every category by doing a catwalk to its reigning men with other children.
00:09:33But seriously, I really did not know if this would ever happen to me. And you know, when I got
00:09:40the call that I was going to be on SNL, I honestly cried.
00:09:43And, uh, yeah. You know, I am just, I really, I am just so, so thankful for everything that this
00:09:51job gives me the chance to do.
00:09:53You know, like in two weeks I had to learn how to play Russian and look like I knew how
00:09:57to play hockey.
00:09:58And then I'm watching the Olympics and I see these amazing players and I'm like, I don't think I pulled
00:10:04it off.
00:10:08Whoa, whoa!
00:10:10Whoa!
00:10:17No way, man. I hear you're great.
00:10:19Whoa, Quinn and Jack, you guys literally just won the Olympics. Congrats.
00:10:27Thanks. Well, we've been so busy playing. We haven't had time to see your show yet.
00:10:32It's about hockey, right?
00:10:34Kind of.
00:10:37I got my teeth knocked out in the finals. Does that happen in your show?
00:10:43Metaphorically.
00:10:52Cool. What team do you play on?
00:10:54Uh, the Boston Raiders.
00:10:56Boston Raiders? What league is that? The NHL?
00:10:59The HBO.
00:11:01But you guys should check it out.
00:11:02Oh, I hope some hockey players watched it.
00:11:05Yeah!
00:11:05Yeah!
00:11:16Oh, my God!
00:11:20Yeah!
00:11:25Yeah!
00:11:28Yeah!
00:11:31Yeah!
00:11:34Don't worry, we saw your show.
00:11:37Oh, wow, Hillary, Megan, it's so cool that we're all here.
00:11:40It was going to be just us, but we thought we'd invite the guys, too.
00:11:51Yeah, we thought we'd give them a little moment to shine.
00:11:54Well, that is very important.
00:11:56You know, my show speaks to people who are not always represented in hockey,
00:11:59so this is really great to have actual hockey legends here tonight.
00:12:03I mean, yeah, I mean, both of your teams just won the gold.
00:12:07Thanks. The last time the men did that was 46 years ago.
00:12:10And the last time we did that was two whole Olympics ago.
00:12:18Nice burn.
00:12:19But these gold medals aren't just for us.
00:12:21They're for all hockey fans. Yours, too.
00:12:24Oh, so can I try one on?
00:12:26No.
00:12:27We have a great show for you tonight.
00:12:29Mumford and Sandra's here.
00:12:31Stick around. We'll be right back.
00:12:49Go, Ricky!
00:12:50Go, Ricky!
00:12:51Go, Ricky!
00:12:52Go, Ricky!
00:12:53Go, Ricky!
00:12:54Go, Ricky!
00:12:55You guys, stop.
00:12:57We have a math test today.
00:13:00Who even cares about math when you can do this?
00:13:05Okay, everybody silence and stop it right now, okay?
00:13:09Mr. Jacob, sit down yesterday.
00:13:12I'm sorry, Mr. Franzi. I was just playing.
00:13:15Not today, guys.
00:13:17I am in a bad mood, okay?
00:13:21Dang, Mr. Franzi. Is everything okay?
00:13:23No, Mr. Jacob, everything is not okay.
00:13:27This morning, my wife spilled my coffee all over my body.
00:13:33And the coffee was everywhere.
00:13:36And my body was on fire.
00:13:39So I called my cousin, Paquito.
00:13:41And he came over and he covered my body from my feet until my head in aloe vera.
00:13:49Okay, guys?
00:13:51Wow.
00:13:52Sorry that happened to you, Mr. Franzi.
00:13:55It's okay, guys.
00:13:57I'm just letting you know that today is not the day to play with Mr. Franzi.
00:14:04Now, please, take a quiz and pass it to your neighbors.
00:14:12This is a big quiz, guys.
00:14:17It counts for 65% of your grade, okay?
00:14:22That's a lot of percent of your grade, guys.
00:14:26So I need a silence in here.
00:14:28No jokes, no comments from the penis gallery.
00:14:36Okay, I'm sorry.
00:14:38What is so funny, Mr. Jacob?
00:14:39Seriously, dude?
00:14:41You just said penis.
00:14:43No, no, no.
00:14:45Penis.
00:14:47Like the snack.
00:14:49As in, my wife is deathly allergic to penis.
00:14:56For me, I love penis.
00:15:00But my biggest struggle in my life is keeping my penis away from my wife.
00:15:07Yo, Franzi, stop saying penis.
00:15:10That's it.
00:15:11Ten point of the quiz for everybody.
00:15:13What?
00:15:14No.
00:15:15Oh, oh, oh.
00:15:17Focus on the quiz, guys.
00:15:26Very good, guys.
00:15:29This is what I like to be seeing, guys.
00:15:32Very quiet.
00:15:33Very nice.
00:15:34I like it.
00:15:37Uh...
00:15:37Yo, yo, Mr. Franzi?
00:15:39Ay, mio.
00:15:40What could you possibly have to say to me, Mr. Diego?
00:15:43No, it's just that this test doesn't make sense.
00:15:45The first question is, what is a square and who is his wife?
00:15:53Come on, guys.
00:15:55You know this.
00:15:56You know the square wife.
00:15:59His wife is the rhombus.
00:16:02Now, I am begging you, guys.
00:16:06Silence.
00:16:09And now, I will briefly go to the bathroom
00:16:12and privately reapply the aloe vera
00:16:17everywhere in my body, okay?
00:16:20I trust you guys to be my little angels from Jesus, okay?
00:16:29This is a big quiz, guys.
00:16:32I'm proud of you guys.
00:16:35Bro, go.
00:16:36Do it.
00:16:36Do it.
00:16:37Do it.
00:16:38Do it.
00:16:42Okay, you guys.
00:16:44I am Mr. Franzi.
00:16:47My wife is deadly alerted to my penis.
00:16:53Go off, Ricky.
00:16:55And the crazy thing is,
00:16:58I have no idea
00:16:59that nobody even liked me.
00:17:09Really, guys?
00:17:12This is what you think of me, Mr. Diego?
00:17:15I'm sorry, Mr. Franzi.
00:17:16I was just joking around.
00:17:18Wow.
00:17:20This is one of the darkest days
00:17:23of my entire life.
00:17:26I did not think that my heart
00:17:27could be broken like this.
00:17:30Oh, no, Mr. Franzi.
00:17:32Please don't cry.
00:17:40Yo, why does he low-key sound
00:17:42like the iPhone ringtone?
00:17:47You guys don't understand.
00:17:50I came to this country in 1997
00:17:55all for the dream of one day
00:17:58teaching you guys about the rhombus
00:18:00and her fiancé at the time,
00:18:04the square.
00:18:06And now you destroy my body
00:18:08and my heart.
00:18:09I can't believe it.
00:18:10I'm gonna cry again.
00:18:11Yo, I don't even know
00:18:13what subject this class is.
00:18:16You guys,
00:18:18I think we all owe Mr. Franzi
00:18:20an apology.
00:18:21Thank you, Angie.
00:18:22You have a heart of gold.
00:18:24Yo, we're sorry, Mr. Franzi.
00:18:27We only make fun of you
00:18:28because you're like one of us.
00:18:31But I guess what I'm trying to say is...
00:18:36We love you, Mr. Franzi.
00:18:40Mr. Diego.
00:18:42You mean it?
00:18:44Okay, guys.
00:18:45We love you, Mr. Franzi.
00:18:47We love you, Mr. Franzi.
00:18:49We love you, Mr. Franzi.
00:18:51We love you, Mr. Franzi.
00:18:53I, Angie,
00:18:55your words are like
00:18:56aloe vera for my heart.
00:18:59This week is canceled.
00:19:00Everybody get an A.
00:19:02everybody.
00:19:03Rondi!
00:19:04Rondi!
00:19:05Rondi!
00:19:06Rondi!
00:19:07He's a Rondi!
00:19:08I love you!
00:19:10I love you!
00:19:17It turns out the poor bastard had worn his riding boots to lunge them.
00:19:24Oh, the absolute shame.
00:19:27Lord Kedley.
00:19:28Lady Delacorte, a pleasure.
00:19:31I quite look forward to our croquet match this afternoon at my father's estate.
00:19:35Then you obviously haven't seen Kedley playing.
00:19:40Well, I will leave you gentlemen to your discourse.
00:19:43Good day.
00:19:44Good day.
00:19:46I resent that insulting remark, Lord Faddington.
00:19:51And I ask, sir, how dare you?
00:19:54He asks him how he dares.
00:19:56Such an affront, according to the gentleman's code, permits me to remove my glove and slap your face.
00:20:08How dare you?
00:20:10I ask twice, sir, how dare you?
00:20:12I rebuke you, sir, and give it to you twice.
00:20:17How dare you?
00:20:19I deny your rebut thricefold.
00:20:23How dare you?
00:20:24How dare you?
00:20:25Ha!
00:20:26Dodge!
00:20:27How dare you?
00:20:31How dare you?
00:20:33How to the absolute dare you?
00:20:35Gentlemen, you are beginning to act like commoners.
00:20:39Oh, how dare you?
00:20:42How dare you?
00:20:43I am ungloved and therefore unable to retort.
00:20:46Kedley, slap him as my proxy.
00:20:48Of course.
00:20:49How dare you?
00:20:50Very good.
00:20:51Gentlemen, stop.
00:20:52We can't make this silliness ruin the afternoon.
00:20:55Why don't you both just apologize?
00:20:57Apologize?
00:20:58I have done nothing wrong, sir.
00:21:02How dare you?
00:21:03Don't do it.
00:21:04I slapped you because...
00:21:06Ow!
00:21:12How dare you?
00:21:15How dare you?
00:21:16You struck me with a closed fist.
00:21:22And therefore, I am allowed to do the same.
00:21:27How dare you?
00:21:28Enough!
00:21:30You, sir, have disobeyed the gentleman's code.
00:21:33So I am permitted to strike you with my cane.
00:21:37Don't do it.
00:21:38Oh, I'm so sorry.
00:21:39Please don't...
00:21:43Gentlemen!
00:21:44Stop this rabble.
00:21:45At once there are children present.
00:21:47Are you okay, sweetie?
00:21:48How dare you?
00:21:49Oh, my God!
00:21:49It's like a woman boy!
00:21:51How dare you?
00:21:53Nice work.
00:21:54This must cease.
00:21:56Look at this woman's dog.
00:21:58The commotion has frightened the poor girl.
00:22:00See defeat, Feddington, and end our quarrel now.
00:22:05Are you mad?
00:22:06Lord Puberto Feddington would never bend his knee to appease a frightened little bitch.
00:22:14How dare you?
00:22:16No!
00:22:17Give up!
00:22:19How dare...
00:22:20Yep, it seems I've shattered myself.
00:22:22Well, I see defeat.
00:22:24Well done.
00:22:25Glad that's settled.
00:22:26Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to retrieve my son, who I kicked across the park.
00:22:30How dare you?
00:22:31I'm kidding.
00:22:32Good day.
00:22:33Good day.
00:22:40Wow!
00:22:42First, you take me to dinner at LaVive, and then you take me to the same ice rink where
00:22:47we first met.
00:22:48I mean, this is the perfect first year anniversary.
00:22:50And I haven't even proposed yet.
00:22:53Wait, what?
00:22:56Candace, Lorraine, Dugan, will you marry me?
00:23:01Oh my God.
00:23:03Casper, um, I'm sorry, I can't.
00:23:07What?
00:23:09I'm having so much fun, Danny!
00:23:12I'm so glad, Bryce.
00:23:15I can't say yes right now.
00:23:17Bryce, Danny, wait up, fast pokes.
00:23:22Um, why can't you say yes?
00:23:24I don't know.
00:23:24It just doesn't feel right yet.
00:23:26You guys, you guys, look, I'm a plane.
00:23:30I mean, do you think that we're ready?
00:23:32Hey, I know you.
00:23:36Get back here.
00:23:38Please, say something, Casper.
00:23:41Those three men are having the best time.
00:23:44What?
00:23:45Those guys.
00:23:46I've never seen grown men having such, like, genuine, pure fun.
00:23:49Like, how old are they?
00:23:51Um, this train lost its caboose.
00:23:53Yeah, Danny, why'd you let go?
00:23:55Because I was laughing too much.
00:23:57God, I love being in my 40s.
00:24:01They're in their 40s?
00:24:03Okay, I'm so glad that's what you're focused on right now.
00:24:06Sorry if I'm a little scattered, Candace.
00:24:08You just told me you didn't love me.
00:24:09Stop it.
00:24:10You know that I love you.
00:24:16And I know I'm going to be with you forever.
00:24:18Oh, I feel so free.
00:24:20I feel like Alyssa Liu right now.
00:24:25I just don't know if I'm ready to start forever right now.
00:24:29What?
00:24:30Is that your girlfriend?
00:24:34Sorry, what did you say?
00:24:35See, see, this is what I'm talking about.
00:24:37I'm always fighting for your attention.
00:24:39I'm sorry, I can't get a read on these guys.
00:24:43Best bachelor party ever!
00:24:46This is a bachelor party?
00:24:48I cannot believe you right now.
00:24:50Candace, come on, don't cry.
00:24:52Oh my gosh, you guys.
00:24:55Look who finally showed up.
00:24:58Hudson!
00:24:58Hudson!
00:25:01Yeah, yeah!
00:25:03Hudson!
00:25:05Hudson!
00:25:07Hudson!
00:25:08Dude, so stoked.
00:25:10Hudson!
00:25:12Yeah!
00:25:13Oh, my God.
00:25:16Oh, my God.
00:25:17Oh, my God.
00:25:18Oh, my God.
00:25:19Oh, my God.
00:25:20Oh, my God.
00:25:20Oh, my God.
00:25:20Oh, my God.
00:25:22So glad you're here, Hudson.
00:25:23I know.
00:25:24That's pretty great, hey?
00:25:25Yeah.
00:25:26Sorry I'm late, fellas.
00:25:29But I have a serious question.
00:25:31Yeah.
00:25:34Who's ready to skate their butts off?
00:25:36Yeah!
00:25:36Hudson!
00:25:37Hudson!
00:25:38Hudson's hilarious.
00:25:39And a lot of my issues are my own.
00:25:41Like, sometimes I think that I don't deserve you, and you've just got so much on your plate.
00:25:47It's like, who am I, you know?
00:25:50Come on, ride the train and ride it.
00:25:54I've never felt so cool.
00:25:59How's that even possible?
00:26:01I don't know.
00:26:02It's just how I feel.
00:26:03No, I...
00:26:04Sorry.
00:26:04I meant, like, how is ice skating in a four-person train the coolest that that guy has ever felt?
00:26:08Stop using those guys as a distraction and talk to me, Casper.
00:26:13Ice skate like an Egyptian.
00:26:17Okay, that's going viral.
00:26:20You guys are going to be famous.
00:26:25Tell me what you're thinking right now, and please be honest.
00:26:28I mean, honestly, I'm thinking...
00:26:30There's no way the Egyptian thing goes viral, right?
00:26:35Oh, okay.
00:26:36Okay.
00:26:36Goodbye, Casper.
00:26:37Candace, wait.
00:26:38Okay, you're right.
00:26:39I'm sorry.
00:26:40I have felt distracted, but we can work through it.
00:26:44Backwards, back, all right.
00:26:46Oh, my God, we're backwards again.
00:26:49You guys, slow down.
00:26:50If I fall, Kendrick Lamar is literally going to need to find himself a new producer.
00:26:55I don't understand.
00:26:58Right?
00:26:59Like, how is that guy in any way associated with Kendrick Lamar?
00:27:04I'm not talking about those guys.
00:27:07You know what?
00:27:09Maybe this is a sign.
00:27:11Maybe what we both actually need is some time apart.
00:27:15Okay, sounds good.
00:27:16I'm going to hang with these guys.
00:27:18I have to figure out their secret.
00:27:21Our secret?
00:27:22One word.
00:27:24Tag!
00:27:24Oh!
00:27:26Yay!
00:27:27Oh, oh!
00:27:29Oh, my God!
00:27:31Oh, my God!
00:27:32Woo!
00:27:33Oh, let's go!
00:27:43Okay, so if I'm at a party and there are five chicks I like, and four of them leave, then
00:27:50I have one chick remaining.
00:27:53Jess, dude!
00:27:54You just nailed subtraction!
00:27:56Well, I got it because you put it in terms I understand.
00:28:00Hot-ass chicas.
00:28:05Hey, Durkis, can I say something?
00:28:09Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot with all those pranks I pulled on you.
00:28:14Like when I put peanut butter on your crack and unleashed a pack of dogs.
00:28:19Or when I pantsed you at the dance and started playing your ass cheeks like bongos.
00:28:24That was funny.
00:28:26Yeah, yeah, point is, I was wrong about you.
00:28:30You're not such a dweeb after all, Durkis.
00:28:33You know what?
00:28:35Come sit next to me at lunch tomorrow.
00:28:38Are you serious?
00:28:39With the k-k-k-cool kids?
00:28:41Yeah.
00:28:43I'd be honored.
00:28:44Of course.
00:28:46Oh.
00:28:48And bring you a good sandwich.
00:28:51Bud.
00:28:55Bud.
00:28:56Wow.
00:28:57Um, wait, PJ, before you go, there's something I wanted to show you.
00:29:02Yeah, what's up, dude?
00:29:03Fuck that.
00:29:17Thank you for coming to my house.
00:29:20Thank you for coming to my house.
00:29:27Thank you for coming to my house.
00:29:30You gotta find us like Mickey Mouse.
00:29:33You're gonna like being friends with me.
00:29:36Maybe we can even start a family.
00:29:38Maybe we can even start a family.
00:29:41Maybe we can even start a family.
00:29:43Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
00:29:46I love you, PJ.
00:29:54Oh.
00:29:56Thanks.
00:29:58Thank you for coming to my house.
00:30:02So, see you at lunch tomorrow?
00:30:03Bring my good sandwich?
00:30:08No.
00:30:09No, I, uh, I forgot I have lunch at another school tomorrow.
00:30:15Maybe next year.
00:30:17Was it the song?
00:30:20Kinda.
00:30:22Yeah, the whole thing made me feel like my head was being held underwater.
00:30:28Hey, sunshine, how you doing?
00:30:30Oh, BJ.
00:30:32Oh.
00:30:32Coolest kid in school.
00:30:36Oh, it's so great to see you here.
00:30:38I'm actually glad you're still here because, uh, well, my wife and I just wanted to thank
00:30:42you for spending some time with that boy.
00:30:44Yeah, yeah, ever since, uh, the diagnosis last summer, things have just been, I'm so sorry,
00:30:48things have just been hard for him, so.
00:30:51Whoa.
00:30:52Diagnosis?
00:30:53I didn't know Durkis was sick.
00:30:55Yeah, yeah, he has long cold.
00:30:57Like, just a very long cold, so.
00:31:02Anyway, PJ, it's been a struggle for Durkis, and this means a lot to us.
00:31:06Yes.
00:31:06Oh, geez.
00:31:08Now I feel bad.
00:31:10Durkis, listen.
00:31:14I shouldn't have judged your song.
00:31:16You were just trying to express yourself and pursue greatness.
00:31:19And as Timothee Chalamet recently taught us, that's cool now.
00:31:25For the first time ever.
00:31:28And as that ice skating girl with the striped hair taught us, you can still be a baddie,
00:31:33even if you're a little quirked up.
00:31:37Look.
00:31:40What I'm trying to say is, come sit with me at lunch tomorrow.
00:31:49Bud, you mean it?
00:31:51Yeah.
00:31:52And hey, bring you a good sandwich.
00:31:56That's great.
00:31:57PJ, can we just say, before you go...
00:32:05Thank you for eating lunch with our son.
00:32:08Thank you for eating lunch with our son.
00:32:11He's a weird kid and you're a homie.
00:32:13Thank you for eating lunch with our son.
00:32:16Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
00:32:19We're in love with you, PJ.
00:32:25guys i'm not gonna lie y'all are one of the weirdest families i've ever met in my life
00:32:30and it freaks me out that you all have red hair it's like you're trying to preserve a
00:32:34community or something he's on to us
00:32:43you know but then i realized something
00:32:47sometimes being weird is the coolest thing there is look you don't need to come sit with me
00:32:53because i'm gonna come sit with you and hey bring you a good sandwich
00:33:05thank you for letting me come to your house i could kiss you all right on the mouth
00:33:35ladies and gentlemen mumford and sons
00:33:48when you can't win for losing and the beggars start choosing the chaos in your head
00:33:58calls or cracks to start showing all knowing all glowing with the light of the
00:34:16you're a world away but you're still the same i know you by your heart and i will call you
00:34:24by your name
00:34:26and it's a long way from the crack to the break
00:34:32you know that i remember everything
00:34:44steady
00:34:45steady yourself
00:34:46hear tumbleweed words
00:34:49be a street corner preacher
00:34:51or just feed the birds
00:34:53but don't hold to yourself
00:34:55put hard mortar and stone
00:34:58put hard mortar and stone
00:34:58be a rubber by mine
00:35:00make the water your bones
00:35:04dying
00:35:05dying
00:35:06dying
00:35:06just to live
00:35:10now
00:35:11you're a world away
00:35:14but you're still the same
00:35:16i know you're still the same
00:35:17i know you by your heart
00:35:18and i will call you by your name
00:35:21and it's a long way
00:35:23from the crack to the break
00:35:27you know that i remember everything
00:35:30when i said forever
00:35:32you said get back in the car
00:35:35nothing lies
00:35:36forever babe
00:35:38you know it breaks my heart
00:35:40and i'll call you anything
00:35:46that you like
00:35:53cause i'm free and i'm able to call you the second
00:36:03that you
00:36:05that you died
00:36:09just to live
00:36:13now
00:36:15you're a world away
00:36:17but you're still the same
00:36:20i know you by your heart
00:36:22and i will call you by your name
00:36:24and it's a long way
00:36:26from the crack to the break
00:36:30you know that i remember everything
00:36:33when i said forever
00:36:36when i said forever
00:36:36you said get back in the car
00:36:39nothing lies forever babe
00:36:41you know it breaks my heart
00:36:43and you're a world away
00:36:45but you're still the same
00:36:49you know that i remember everything
00:36:56and you know it breaks my heart
00:36:58and you wink on your skin
00:36:59red lips in the dark
00:37:00red lips in the dark
00:37:01and nothing lies forever babe
00:37:04then you know it breaks my heart
00:37:06put a shiver on your skin
00:37:08into your hair in the car
00:37:10if nothing lies forever babe
00:37:13Then can we make a start?
00:37:38It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Chang.
00:37:50Good evening, everyone.
00:37:52Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Chay.
00:37:53I'm Colin Jost.
00:37:57Well, guys, I'm starting to worry that President Trump might not win that peace prize.
00:38:03After launching a massive military strike against Iran, Trump announced hours ago that they officially
00:38:08killed the Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei and replaced him with, oh, my God, the guy
00:38:14from Venezuela?
00:38:18This attack might be a bad idea.
00:38:20I don't know.
00:38:21I'm not really an expert on Iran.
00:38:23So let's hear from someone who can explain why we might have done it.
00:38:26Our president will start a war with Iran because he has absolutely no ability to negotiate.
00:38:34He's weak and he's ineffective.
00:38:37Oh.
00:38:38Yeah.
00:38:40Yeah.
00:38:41See, now that's the Trump I voted for.
00:38:47Detractors on CNN are saying that Trump had no authorization for this war, but he actually
00:38:52did.
00:38:53Netanyahu said it was okay.
00:38:55I can't believe our leader could just attack Iran with no vote, no permission from Congress
00:39:00or anything.
00:39:01I mean, what is this?
00:39:01Iran?
00:39:06President Trump's State of the Union address this week was the longest in history, lasting
00:39:11almost two full diapers.
00:39:18During the State of the Union address, President Trump said, our nation is back, bigger, better,
00:39:24and stronger than ever before.
00:39:25Same, said the measles.
00:39:29The U.S. women's hockey team turned down President Trump's invitation to attend the
00:39:34State of the Union address.
00:39:38You clap, but that only made Trump want them more.
00:39:45President Trump angrily claimed that Minnesota has been ransacked by Somali pirates, but that's
00:39:51only because Trump's kind of an R-word.
00:39:59Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, the former prince and current river corpse, has been arrested
00:40:08and now may be banned from ever taking the throne.
00:40:11In fact, the royal family said the only way he can become king is if it comes down to either
00:40:16him or Meghan.
00:40:22Hillary Clinton testified this week and said she's confident that Bill Clinton had no
00:40:27knowledge of Jeffrey Epstein's crimes, though there is an outside chance that Hillary sometimes
00:40:32doesn't know what her husband is up to.
00:40:36It was reported that Jeffrey Epstein hid photographs in secret storage lockers across the country,
00:40:42but I guess he had to take a lot of pictures because kids grow up so fast.
00:40:51What is this, Iran?
00:40:56Researchers have developed a new nasal spray vaccine that can protect people against the
00:41:01flu, COVID, and other respiratory diseases, but to get it approved by RFK, they're calling
00:41:06it shark testicle creatine.
00:41:11During a Black History Month event at the White House, President Trump defended himself from
00:41:15criticism that he is racist by listing his black friends, including Nicki Minaj, Jim
00:41:22Brown, and Mike Tyson.
00:41:23Wow, that's two more than you, Colin.
00:41:31Cool.
00:41:33Well, we have a lot of news to cover this week, so here to provide a recap of some headlines
00:41:38is Beth's maid of honor, Katie.
00:41:44Hello.
00:41:45Hi.
00:41:46For those of you who don't know me, my name is Katie.
00:41:50And for those of you who do know me, I'm sorry.
00:41:53But seriously.
00:41:56I'm not here to talk about Beth, her scrabble addiction, her dog Skittles, or her best friend
00:42:02turned husband, Cody.
00:42:04Congrats, you two.
00:42:05No, I'm here to talk about the wave of narco-terrorism caused by the Mexican cartel.
00:42:12Oh, okay, yeah, you're driving right into the news, yes.
00:42:16But seriously, El Mencho, Mexico's most wanted man and leader of the drug cartel, was killed
00:42:22on Sunday, or as Beth and I like to call it, bottomless mimosa day.
00:42:27Cody, cover your ears.
00:42:29No, but seriously.
00:42:31After El Mencho's death, the Jalasco New Generation cartel unleashed a wave of violence across
00:42:37Mexico, attacking citizens, setting vehicles ablaze, and turning the city into a ghost town.
00:42:44A ghost town?
00:42:45More like Cody's side of the church during the ceremony.
00:42:48Sorry, Cody, you got a small family.
00:42:51No, but seriously.
00:42:53I mean, this all seems very serious.
00:42:56I'm sorry, Katie, but I don't think this is the most appropriate way to talk about some
00:42:58of this news.
00:42:59Hell yeah.
00:43:00No.
00:43:02Let's play the mood with a little walk down memory lane.
00:43:05That's right.
00:43:06I'm talking about the Epstein files.
00:43:08No, no, no, no.
00:43:10Yes.
00:43:10The new emails publish the names of over 20,000 individuals.
00:43:15Kind of sounds like the invite list for tonight.
00:43:17Sorry, best dad.
00:43:19No, but seriously.
00:43:22I found a quote on Google that I really love.
00:43:25When you're in jail, a good friend will try to bail you out, but a best friend will be
00:43:30in the cell next to you saying, damn, that was fun.
00:43:34And I think that pretty much describes me and Beth, but also Jeffrey Epstein and Prince
00:43:39Andrew.
00:43:40Okay.
00:43:41Well, we could maybe move past Epstein.
00:43:44Do you have any lighter stories?
00:43:45Maybe about the Olympics?
00:43:46Do you want to talk about that?
00:43:47Hell yeah.
00:43:48Yes.
00:43:49Every four years, nations gather for the Olympics, which reminds me, the war in Ukraine rages
00:43:56on its four-year mark.
00:43:59Four years!
00:44:00Ah!
00:44:02That's how long it took Cody to define the relationship.
00:44:05Okay, that's pretty good.
00:44:07Seriously.
00:44:07Seriously.
00:44:08Beth made of honor, everyone.
00:44:10That's right.
00:44:11Treat her right, Cody!
00:44:17A former Olympic athlete who promoted the run, walk, run strategy to running has died
00:44:23at the age of 80.
00:44:25The cause of death was listed as run, walk, bus.
00:44:34Paramount has won the bidding war to take over Warner Brothers' discovery after Netflix
00:44:38decided to not submit another offer.
00:44:40Instead, Netflix spent an hour scrolling around for a new offer before giving up and going to
00:44:45bed.
00:44:47A photo from the Epstein files has gone viral showing the late physicist Stephen Hawking
00:44:53lying between two women in bikinis, which brings me to my segment, Hear Me Out.
00:45:03Hear me out, okay?
00:45:04You can't be mad at Stephen Hawking for being in this picture.
00:45:08What was he supposed to do, walk away?
00:45:12They basically trafficked him.
00:45:15He had no choice but to forgive the expression, roll with it.
00:45:20And don't forget the most important thing Dr. Hawking taught us.
00:45:24Time is relative.
00:45:26So that means age is just a number.
00:45:28Wait, hold on.
00:45:29That's not...
00:45:31This has been Hear Me Out.
00:45:39Oh, man.
00:45:41A 70-year-old man is saying that he discovered he had a serious heart issue after getting an
00:45:47alert from his smart mattress, while a regular mattress diagnosed my drinking problem with
00:45:52a big old wet spot.
00:45:56Thursday was National Small Dog Day, which is celebrated every February by hawks.
00:46:06Today is the last day of Black History Month, sponsored by Tourette's.
00:46:15This show is for someone else.
00:46:19Some American girl doll collectors say they are upset with a new line of modern-era dolls
00:46:24that appear skinnier than previous dolls.
00:46:28Skinnier?
00:46:28I mean, not with those cankles.
00:46:35Actress Amanda Seyfried revealed in an interview that for a scene in her new movie, she used
00:46:40a prosthetic butthole.
00:46:42Even more disturbing, the movie is Stuart Little in the Forbidden Cave.
00:46:53Well, the Internet has fallen in love with a baby monkey named Punch, who is being bullied
00:47:01by other monkeys after his mom abandoned him.
00:47:04Here with her side of the story is Punch's mom.
00:47:10You don't know me.
00:47:13You don't know me.
00:47:16You don't know me.
00:47:18But you, fella, you could get to know me.
00:47:23Hey, you like my body colors?
00:47:31Oh, I think I'm good.
00:47:33But everyone is wondering, you know, why did you abandon Punch?
00:47:38Oh, I had a really good reason.
00:47:41Okay, what is it?
00:47:42I didn't want him.
00:47:44Oh, shut up!
00:47:46Shut the hell up!
00:47:48You shut up!
00:47:49You shut up!
00:47:51Shut the hell up!
00:47:52Why is everyone so mad at Punch's mom?
00:47:55What about Punch's dad?
00:47:57Well, who is Punch's dad?
00:47:58Well, how am I supposed to know?
00:48:00Unlike a public library, anyone could come aside.
00:48:05Oh, shut up!
00:48:06I've been with all the A-list monkeys.
00:48:09I've been with King Kong.
00:48:11Something you might not expect about him.
00:48:14His penis is actually huge.
00:48:19I also slept with George.
00:48:21For someone so curious,
00:48:23he sure had no interest in finding my bean.
00:48:28Oh, and let's just say,
00:48:30I was Harambe's last meal.
00:48:33Oh, God.
00:48:34Oh, shut up!
00:48:36Shut up!
00:48:37Shut the hell up!
00:48:38Kiss my ass!
00:48:39Kiss my monkey ass!
00:48:43Kiss my ass, Colin!
00:48:46You like my body, Colin?
00:48:50You know what?
00:48:51You know what, Punch's mom?
00:48:53We actually have a little surprise for you.
00:48:55Let's bring him out.
00:48:56It's Punch!
00:48:59Surprise!
00:49:03Hi, everybody!
00:49:05Why, hell no!
00:49:08Oh, come on.
00:49:09How could you not love a face like that?
00:49:17Why won't you love me?
00:49:22Oh, you're breaking my heart.
00:49:26How about you give your mama a hug?
00:49:30Oh.
00:49:31Oh.
00:49:32Oh, man.
00:49:33Look at that.
00:49:34Oh, it's a reunion.
00:49:35That's so sweet.
00:49:37Colin, now I want another baby.
00:49:40Colin!
00:49:42Come on, Colin.
00:49:44You know we share 98% of the same DNA.
00:49:48And all I'm asking for is a little bit more of yours.
00:49:53Oh, God.
00:49:54Punch and his mom, everyone.
00:49:57Yeah.
00:49:59For Weekend Update, I'm Colin Jones.
00:50:01I'm Michael Che.
00:50:02Good night.
00:50:18Yeah, so basically it was a whole thing and they have not talked since.
00:50:23Wow, I did not realize you knew so much about Hilary Duff's family.
00:50:28Yeah, just say it's a special interest of mine.
00:50:32Okay.
00:50:33So, Griff, you just got back from a trip, right?
00:50:36Oh, yeah, I feel like you were gone for a while.
00:50:38Yeah, yeah, I'm lucky, you know.
00:50:39I had a ton of PTO and I figured, if not now, when?
00:50:42Oh, wow, that's amazing.
00:50:45You were in Europe, whereabouts?
00:50:47Um, so we did Italy for a day, we did Spain for a day,
00:50:50and then Turkey for two months, and oh,
00:50:53that must be the sheet pan nachos.
00:50:56I'll grab them.
00:51:02Oh, I...
00:51:03Oh, my God.
00:51:07Griff, did you get that leg lengthening surgery?
00:51:13Leg lengthening surgery?
00:51:15That's a tongue twister, am I right, Davis?
00:51:17Yeah, seriously, it's like Sheila shakes a shell of leg lengthening surgery.
00:51:25Exactly, Davis.
00:51:27Anyway, I better go get those nachos.
00:51:30Yeah.
00:51:33I'm fine.
00:51:34Dude, you're like seven foot two, just admit you got the surgery.
00:51:38Yeah, bro, you're like two Haley Duff's tall right now, dude.
00:51:43Am I wrong?
00:51:44We don't know.
00:51:46Dude, you used to be like 5'1".
00:51:505'1"?
00:51:54Like, maybe when I was a baby.
00:51:57No, I specifically remember you were 5'1'' before you left for Turkey,
00:52:02because you dated a girl that was 5'2",
00:52:05and she said,
00:52:05I'll literally kill myself if my boyfriend is one inch shorter than me,
00:52:11and unfortunately, we lost her.
00:52:15Come on, guys, guys, come on.
00:52:17Did you ever think that maybe just Griff grew?
00:52:20You know, like, people have growth spurts.
00:52:22Not when you're 31!
00:52:24Okay, well, well, maybe he hit a second puberty,
00:52:28or as I like to call it, a tuberty.
00:52:31Yes, Davis!
00:52:33A tuberty!
00:52:34Yes, dude!
00:52:36You're awesome, Davis.
00:52:37I love you, dude.
00:52:38By the way, hey, Kyle.
00:52:40Oh.
00:52:41We gotta do a basketball rematch, brubba.
00:52:44Brub, brub, brub, brub, brub, brub!
00:52:45Whoa!
00:52:46Brub, brub, brub, brub, brub!
00:52:47All right.
00:52:47Dunk on your way.
00:52:48You're not dunking.
00:52:48I'm not playing you in basketball, man.
00:52:50Oh, scared!
00:52:52He's so scared!
00:52:53I've never seen him scared like this.
00:52:55Hey, hey!
00:52:56Yeah, I am scared.
00:52:57I've renewed Turkish legs shattering.
00:53:02Guys, seriously, though,
00:53:03if I got the leg-lingening surgery or whatever,
00:53:07would I be able to do this?
00:53:12Yes.
00:53:13Definitely.
00:53:14Okay, fine.
00:53:15I'll admit it.
00:53:16I got the surgery.
00:53:18Are you happy now?
00:53:19Yeah, seriously.
00:53:20Are you guys happy now?
00:53:21Davis, why are you so invested in this?
00:53:24Oh, oh, I'll tell you why.
00:53:26Because in order for Griff to achieve his dreams,
00:53:28I had to donate my leg bones.
00:53:33Yeah, that's right.
00:53:35Your boy got leg-shortening surgery.
00:53:37You didn't have to do that.
00:53:39Oh, okay, yeah, I did.
00:53:41Because that's what friends do.
00:53:43No, like, you medically didn't have to do that.
00:53:46They use rods.
00:53:47It's not like a kidney.
00:53:50Well, I'm glad I didn't know that information
00:53:54because I love my new little legs.
00:53:59Yes, Davis!
00:54:01I love them legs, man.
00:54:03Now, the doctor did say that there's an 80% chance
00:54:07my body will reject his bones,
00:54:09but doctors be saying whatever.
00:54:13Hey, hey, man,
00:54:14the second I am medically cleared to stand in 2029,
00:54:17I am giving you that hug.
00:54:19Oh, my gosh.
00:54:19And in the meantime,
00:54:21I'll bring the hug to you.
00:54:23Hear me.
00:54:24Hear me.
00:54:25Hear me.
00:54:25Woo!
00:54:26Oh, my God.
00:54:29Oh, my goodness.
00:54:31Y'all distracted me,
00:54:32and the sheet tray nachos are burning.
00:54:34I gotta go grab them.
00:54:36Nachos!
00:54:36Nachos!
00:54:39Nachos!
00:54:40Nachos!
00:54:42Nachos!
00:54:43Great.
00:54:44Another bad day in a series of bad days for me.
00:54:49Cushion!
00:55:02Hi, guys.
00:55:03Everybody.
00:55:05Randall?
00:55:05Uh, if I can get everyone's attention for a sec.
00:55:09Uh, look,
00:55:10I know spirits are low
00:55:12after the third round of layoffs,
00:55:14so I think it would be great
00:55:15to brainstorm some ways
00:55:17to raise office morale.
00:55:20How about some more vacation days?
00:55:22Okay.
00:55:22That's great.
00:55:23Uh, who else?
00:55:24Uh, what about an espresso machine
00:55:26for the kitchen?
00:55:27Or, uh,
00:55:28new TV for the break room?
00:55:29Okay.
00:55:30These are all great.
00:55:31Any other ideas?
00:55:32I have an idea.
00:55:35We should have a dance.
00:55:38I'm sorry, what?
00:55:41We should have a big dance.
00:55:43The boys in tuxedos,
00:55:45the girls in gowns.
00:55:47A night to remember.
00:55:50Okay.
00:55:51Sure.
00:55:52Uh, probably not a dance,
00:55:54but, uh,
00:55:55what about some other ideas?
00:55:56Oh, um,
00:55:58I think we should get a women's bathroom.
00:56:00I'm tired of sticking my bare ass
00:56:02out the window every time I have to go.
00:56:06Hannah,
00:56:07we have a women's bathroom.
00:56:10We do?
00:56:13Well, in that case,
00:56:15I vote for the dance.
00:56:17Uh, quick question about the dance.
00:56:18Would we, uh,
00:56:19bring our wives and husbands?
00:56:22No.
00:56:24We would go with each other.
00:56:26The boys would ask the girls,
00:56:27and for one night only,
00:56:28the outside world doesn't exist.
00:56:31Severance style.
00:56:34Hmm.
00:56:35And what do you mean by
00:56:36Severance style?
00:56:38Well, at home,
00:56:39you can be one person,
00:56:40but in the office,
00:56:41you're living a completely
00:56:42different life.
00:56:44Oh, and I've been living
00:56:45Severance style this whole time.
00:56:48No, Jerry,
00:56:49you're just having an affair.
00:56:50My innie is.
00:56:53My outie is actually
00:56:54a really good man.
00:56:56He's a father
00:56:57and a husband who doesn't cheat
00:56:59and never missed a baseball game
00:57:00because he was drinking.
00:57:02he's a good man.
00:57:03And that
00:57:04is all I have to say
00:57:07about that.
00:57:11Okay, moving on.
00:57:13Uh, what else will happen
00:57:14at this dance?
00:57:15Oh.
00:57:16Well, the office nerd
00:57:17will take off their glasses
00:57:18revealing they're
00:57:19actually beautiful.
00:57:20Huh.
00:57:21Too bad we don't have
00:57:22an office nerd.
00:57:23Yes.
00:57:26Hey.
00:57:27Hey, nerds.
00:57:29Nerds.
00:57:29Uh, questions.
00:57:31For the dance,
00:57:32could we sneak alcohol
00:57:33into the office?
00:57:34Uh, you already do that,
00:57:36Randall.
00:57:37Uh, no.
00:57:38I just bring my big bottle
00:57:40of Sprite every day.
00:57:41Mm.
00:57:43Mm!
00:57:44That Sprite is strong.
00:57:48Oh.
00:57:49And another thing.
00:57:50At the end of the night,
00:57:51we would crown a king
00:57:52and a queen.
00:57:53Oh, I know who the king's
00:57:54going to be Egbert.
00:58:04Maybe it's the Sprite
00:58:05talking, but, um,
00:58:07I'd hit it.
00:58:10Eh.
00:58:11Mm.
00:58:13Woo!
00:58:13That Sprite got a bite!
00:58:16So, it's settled.
00:58:18Egbert will be king
00:58:19and the queen
00:58:19will be the hottest girl
00:58:21in the office.
00:58:23Okay.
00:58:24On the count of three,
00:58:25let's all say
00:58:25who we think
00:58:26the hottest girl
00:58:26in the office is.
00:58:28No.
00:58:28Guys, no.
00:58:30One, two, three.
00:58:32Hannah!
00:58:36No one else
00:58:37said anything?
00:58:39Oh.
00:58:42Okay, now,
00:58:42all we need
00:58:43are, uh, dates.
00:58:46Cassie,
00:58:47ever since the first day
00:58:49I started working here,
00:58:50you, like,
00:58:51totally changed my life.
00:58:53Oh.
00:58:53So,
00:58:54I'm gonna take a chance.
00:58:58Oh!
00:59:02Cassie,
00:59:02will you go
00:59:03to the dance with me?
00:59:04Oh.
00:59:05Every bone in my body
00:59:07is telling me
00:59:08you're just gonna hurt me.
00:59:10But yes!
00:59:12You guys
00:59:13are both married
00:59:15to other people.
00:59:18Not tonight.
00:59:20Nice.
00:59:21Severance style.
00:59:24Well,
00:59:25looks like
00:59:25all we need now
00:59:26is some music,
00:59:27huh?
00:59:30We can help with that.
00:59:37Mumford and Sons,
00:59:39were y'all
00:59:39using our bathroom?
00:59:41Of course we were.
00:59:42We do everything together.
00:59:46Now let's get
00:59:48King Egbert laid
00:59:49for the very first time.
00:59:51What makes you think
00:59:52I haven't been
00:59:53I haven't?
00:59:54Oh, my love
00:59:57My darling
01:00:00I'll wait for your touch
01:00:04A long time
01:00:06One, two, three, four
01:00:10Time goes by
01:00:12So slow
01:00:21Once again
01:00:23Mumford and Sons
01:00:24Once again, Mumford and Sons
01:00:39Here's the gun
01:00:41Here's the gun
01:00:41And here's the blade
01:00:42Here's the picture
01:00:44That I saved
01:00:46For too long
01:00:49Here's my credit card
01:00:51And keys
01:00:52And the reason
01:00:53I won't find peace
01:00:55Here's a song
01:00:56I could not complete
01:00:58For too long
01:01:00Well, here's my pride
01:01:03And here's my shame
01:01:04Here's the trophy
01:01:06That bears my name
01:01:07Here's all the mistakes
01:01:09I've made
01:01:10For too long
01:01:12Here's the answers
01:01:15I never gave
01:01:16Here's the calls
01:01:18I should've made
01:01:19Here's the substance
01:01:21That I crave
01:01:23All along
01:01:25Yes, here
01:01:26Well, here's my vision
01:01:29And here's my aim
01:01:30Here's my address
01:01:32And the ones I blame
01:01:33While still sitting
01:01:35And taking names
01:01:37I just want to belong
01:01:39Here's my lonely serenade
01:01:42Here's the gun
01:01:44And here's the blade
01:01:46Here's the picture
01:01:47That I saved
01:01:49Before you were gone
01:01:52Here's my pride
01:01:54And here's my shame
01:01:55Here's the trophy
01:01:56That bears my name
01:01:58Here's all the mistakes
01:02:00That I made
01:02:01For too long
01:02:03Here's the answers
01:02:06I never gave
01:02:07Here's the calls
01:02:09I should've made
01:02:10Here's the substance
01:02:12That I crave
01:02:14That I crave
01:02:14All along
01:02:20Did you hold all my secrets
01:02:26Can we swear
01:02:29We can't forgive
01:02:32I had lies
01:02:35Like you wouldn't believe
01:02:38I brought to my knees
01:02:46Aaron Desnau
01:03:01Here's my pride
01:03:03Here's my pride
01:03:04Here's my shame
01:03:04Here's the trophy
01:03:06That bears my name
01:03:07Here's all the mistakes
01:03:09I made
01:03:10I made
01:03:11For too long
01:03:12Here's the answers
01:03:15I never gave
01:03:16Here's the calls
01:03:18I should've made
01:03:19Here's the substance
01:03:21That I crave
01:03:22For a long
01:03:49For a long
01:03:52Well get ready
01:03:53Well get ready
01:03:53Cause for my bachelorette
01:03:55I'm gonna make you guys
01:03:56Take me to Europe
01:03:58Okay Jess
01:03:59Try getting into a relationship first
01:04:04Oh my god I'm trying
01:04:06Who could that be
01:04:08Who could that be
01:04:09Don't tell me you guys got a stripper
01:04:11Guilty
01:04:20I am served
01:04:21Hi ladies
01:04:23Oh my god
01:04:25Did someone call the plugger
01:04:29Hit it
01:04:32Oh my god
01:04:33Are you okay
01:04:35I was hit by a little car
01:04:37On my way here
01:04:38But I've never missed a party
01:04:41And I'm not gonna start now
01:04:43Oh
01:04:45Oh who wants to see my ass
01:04:54I'm worried about him
01:04:56But I definitely don't want him to stop
01:04:59Well I just hope his penis is unscathed
01:05:04Kim we know you're gay
01:05:05You don't have to do all that
01:05:06Oh
01:05:08Oh okay
01:05:09So I have so many more clothes to put on the floor
01:05:14I think I'll see a sexy little lady who wants to help me
01:05:19Brown hair like mama
01:05:22Oh
01:05:29Oh
01:05:33Oh
01:05:34Oh good
01:05:35This woman
01:05:38I'm on my way to you
01:05:41Wow he's using his plunger to crawl towards me
01:05:44That's so hot
01:05:46Oh
01:05:47What's your name mama
01:05:48Um
01:05:49Ella
01:05:52What's your last name
01:05:54Okay I feel like you're just like stalling to get over here
01:05:57Okay
01:06:05Okay
01:06:06Oh
01:06:07Oh
01:06:09Oh
01:06:09Oh
01:06:10Okay okay
01:06:10Ella
01:06:11Yes
01:06:12Will you dance with me
01:06:13Yes
01:06:14Oh
01:06:19Oh
01:06:19Oh
01:06:20Oh
01:06:20Oh
01:06:20Okay
01:06:22You got a lot of blood
01:06:23Will you take off my pants
01:06:26I'm sorry
01:06:27Are you
01:06:28Are you
01:06:29Are you sure
01:06:31Because it seemed like when you took your shirt off it hurt really bad
01:06:33Yeah
01:06:33No
01:06:33It's a tearaway
01:06:34Oh okay
01:06:35One, two, three
01:06:36Oh
01:06:37Oh
01:06:41Yeah
01:06:44Surge is your leg okay
01:06:45Oh
01:06:46What do you think I got it back huh
01:06:49Well ladies I think we're all thinking the same thing
01:06:52His body is mid
01:06:55Oh it's literally the best I've ever seen
01:06:59Oh my god
01:07:01Oh
01:07:02Then it sounds like so much little lap dance
01:07:06I guess I frankly do
01:07:08Oh
01:07:08You know I'd be so sexy
01:07:11Oh
01:07:12You took my belt
01:07:14Okay
01:07:14Oh
01:07:18You took my belt
01:07:20Oh
01:07:23Oh
01:07:26You wrapped around my
01:07:28Around my thigh
01:07:30Oh
01:07:31Oh
01:07:31Like a tourniquet
01:07:33Oh
01:07:34Guys
01:07:35I think he passed out
01:07:37Hey Surge
01:07:39You okay
01:07:40Surge
01:07:41Oh
01:07:42Oh
01:07:42Oh my god
01:07:43Oh
01:07:44Oh my
01:07:45Oh
01:07:46Oh
01:07:48It's a little party
01:07:50Great
01:07:58Oh
01:07:59Oh
01:07:59Oh
01:08:00Oh
01:08:00Oh
01:08:01Oh
01:08:01Oh
01:08:02Oh
01:08:02Going down
01:08:06Oh my god
01:08:07Is he dead?
01:08:08Oh
01:08:10Oh
01:08:14Do you like these ladies?
01:08:16Oh
01:08:17Oh
01:08:18Oh
01:08:19Oh
01:08:21Oh
01:08:23Oh
01:08:24Oh
01:08:24Oh
01:08:25Oh
01:08:35Oh
01:08:41Oh
01:08:41Oh
01:08:41Oh
01:08:41Oh
01:08:43Hosier, Sierra Farrell, and Aaron Dessner.
01:08:47This has truly been an absolute dream come true.
01:08:50My biggest thank you to Lorne Michaels for having me here.
01:08:54Biggest thank you ever.
01:08:56Thank you to Kerry Powers, Rebecca Shorts.
01:08:58Thank you to my team. Thank you to the crew and the cast.
01:09:01Everyone is, like, so incredible.
01:09:04I truly cannot believe this.
01:09:06Thank you to who? Thank you to Donna.
01:09:08Thank you to Jenna.
01:09:10It's, like, absolutely insane just how many people
01:09:13are constantly running around.
01:09:15And, like, this is the best environment ever.
01:09:18So thank you so much.
01:09:45You're welcome.
01:09:53You're welcome.
01:09:57You're welcome.
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