- 4 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00:12Happy 30th birthday, Matthew. Make a wish.
00:00:14Yay.
00:00:16Gosh, thanks so much, Kelsey.
00:00:18This means so much to me,
00:00:20especially with everything going on in the world,
00:00:22government shutdown, AI.
00:00:24There's just so much uncertainty,
00:00:25but the fact that my beautiful wife
00:00:27put this all together for me
00:00:29means a lot.
00:00:32Well, of course.
00:00:34Hey, Matt, looks like some special guest just arrived.
00:00:37Oh, my God, Kelsey, did you fly out my best friends?
00:00:40Oh, no. I flew out my best friends.
00:00:44Hey.
00:00:49For those of you who I haven't met,
00:00:51I'm Kelsey's childhood bestie,
00:00:53and we went to nursing school together.
00:00:55Although I unfortunately didn't graduate
00:00:57because I realized the hours are, like, super long,
00:00:59and I don't like helping people.
00:01:01Plus, you stole all those pills, girl.
00:01:04True.
00:01:05Anyway, even though I didn't earn my RN degree,
00:01:07I got my BFF degree
00:01:09because I met Kelsey's besties,
00:01:10a.k.a. the Kel Squad.
00:01:12What up, what up?
00:01:15Ah, it's my birthday,
00:01:17but your friends are giving a speech.
00:01:19It's all good.
00:01:21Last month, Kelsey asked us
00:01:23to go on a trip with her
00:01:24so she could find the most magical
00:01:26birthday present for Matthew.
00:01:27They say Disney's the most magical place on Earth.
00:01:32But we're banned from there,
00:01:34so we went to Nashville.
00:01:36Oh, my God.
00:01:39Our Kelsey called us
00:01:42because she wanted to
00:01:43find a really good gift for Matthew.
00:01:49We were available
00:01:51because we love her.
00:01:53And because we wanted the Delta point.
00:01:58Wow, you ladies sure love traveling together.
00:02:00Why are your schedules so open?
00:02:03And Kelsey set one boundary.
00:02:06She said this trip was meant to be
00:02:11just about a gift for Matt.
00:02:13And not about
00:02:15seeing the one guy she was thinking of.
00:02:21Who were you thinking of?
00:02:22You, dummy.
00:02:24But I needed to focus
00:02:25on getting you an awesome gift.
00:02:26But I opened my gift already.
00:02:29You got me a hoodie from Hudson News.
00:02:32But we went out.
00:02:34Hell, sat alone in the hotel.
00:02:36Said I don't really feel well.
00:02:38Wanted to be alone.
00:02:42When we got home,
00:02:44we pulled back all of the covers.
00:02:46And we saw that there was just a bunch of pillows.
00:02:51We checked in with the front desk.
00:02:54They said she left in a bikini about four hours ago.
00:02:59She was holding two grand in cash.
00:03:02And she only chose to bring her burn phone
00:03:08one night with Domingo.
00:03:11Domingo.
00:03:15Okay.
00:03:16So Domingo was in Nashville?
00:03:18Well, you could have come on the trip, babe.
00:03:20No, I couldn't have.
00:03:21Because I was in Albany
00:03:22attending a self-worth seminar.
00:03:24Our Nashville trip was magic.
00:03:27Like, did someone say ever cadabra?
00:03:29No.
00:03:30No one did.
00:03:31Okay, Gabe, I promise this next song
00:03:34will not be about Domingo.
00:03:36D-O-M-I-N-G-O, Domingo.
00:03:40D-O-M-I-N-G-O, Domingo.
00:03:44There's a man with a gold tea
00:03:46and a gold chain at the bar.
00:03:51Kelsey tells him,
00:03:53I got a Brazilian
00:03:54in hopes that you'd be hard.
00:03:58You got a Brazilian for Domingo?
00:04:04We went to the Grand Olds
00:04:06every Domingo played guitar.
00:04:11Kelsey had tinted her eyes
00:04:14said as a lover,
00:04:16Matt is a car.
00:04:19D-O-M-I-N-G-O, Domingo.
00:04:23Yes, okay, fine.
00:04:25I saw him in Nashville.
00:04:26But, babe, I promise,
00:04:28Domingo's in the past.
00:04:29Kelsey, I'm here.
00:04:34Domingo!
00:04:36Hey, Matt.
00:04:38Came all this way?
00:04:39No, I'm just kidding.
00:04:40I live very close by.
00:04:43Kelsey, the night we spent together
00:04:45in Nashville
00:04:46was anything but ordinary.
00:04:51I know that you took a bow
00:04:53but I am so well-endowed.
00:04:55Kelsey, we got
00:04:56a noise complaint.
00:04:58We shook the whole hotel.
00:05:01A noise complaint.
00:05:03I come in and out of your life
00:05:05because I respect that you are a wife.
00:05:08Okay, first of all,
00:05:09this is not in any of your vocal ranges.
00:05:12I'll tell you,
00:05:12whatever happened to that $2,000 in cash?
00:05:15Oh, I got a very expensive Brazilian as well.
00:05:19Música Maestro!
00:05:22Nashville was such a vibe
00:05:24and I'm the bull that she loves to ride.
00:05:27Kelsey, we got
00:05:28a noise complaint!
00:05:30We should be hard hotels.
00:05:32A noise complaint!
00:05:34I may be the love of your life
00:05:36but I respect that you are a wife.
00:05:39Kelsey, I'm serious.
00:05:41This is strike six.
00:05:43Hurry, babe.
00:05:44It won't happen again.
00:05:46And live from New York City!
00:05:54It's Saturday Night Live
00:05:57with
00:05:58Michael Che.
00:06:07Mikey Day.
00:06:14Andrew Dismukes.
00:06:17Andrew Dismukes.
00:06:24Quaoui Fineman.
00:06:35Marcelo Hernandez.
00:06:40James Austin-Johnson.
00:06:43James Austin-Johnson.
00:06:50Colin Jost.
00:06:56Sarah Shonen.
00:07:02Kenan Thompson.
00:07:04Kenan Thompson.
00:07:08Bowen Yang.
00:07:13Featuring...
00:07:15Tommy Brennan.
00:07:19Jeremy Kohane.
00:07:24Dan Marshall.
00:07:26Dan Marshall.
00:07:32Ashley Padilla.
00:07:36Cam Patterson.
00:07:40Veronica Slowikowska.
00:07:44Jane Wickline.
00:07:46Jane Wickline.
00:07:54Host and musical guest, Sabrina Carpenter.
00:08:01Ladies and gentlemen, Sabrina Carpenter.
00:08:27Thank you very much.
00:08:28I'm so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live.
00:08:31Last time I was here for the 50th anniversary where I got to sing with Paul Simon.
00:08:35And since then, my new album, Man's Best Friend, came out, which I'm so excited about.
00:08:40But, um, some people got a little, like, freaked out by the cover.
00:08:43I'm not sure why.
00:08:44It was just this.
00:08:45Me on all fours with an unseen figure pulling my hair.
00:08:49But what people don't realize is that's just how they cropped it.
00:08:52If you zoom out, it's clearly a picture from the 50th anniversary special of Bowen helping me up by the
00:08:57hair.
00:09:03After Martin Short shoved me out of the buffet line, saying something like,
00:09:09Daddy need his mini quiche.
00:09:12Now, since I'm here, I want to clear up some misconceptions people have about me.
00:09:16Everyone thinks of me as this, like, horned dog pop star.
00:09:19But there's really so much more to me.
00:09:21I'm not just horny.
00:09:23I'm also turned on.
00:09:25And I'm sexually charged.
00:09:28And I love to read.
00:09:30My favorite book is the encyclopedia.
00:09:33It's so big.
00:09:34And it's hard.
00:09:36And wait, seriously.
00:09:37Okay, sorry.
00:09:38There is a real person underneath all the sparkles and the wigs and the corsets.
00:09:42And another thing you might not know about me is that I love to interact with the audience during my
00:09:46show.
00:09:47So I'd like to do that right now.
00:09:49Hi, sir.
00:09:51What's your name?
00:09:52My name's Will.
00:09:54Will.
00:09:55What a sexy, unusual name, Will.
00:09:58Where are you from?
00:10:00I'm from Maryland.
00:10:01Maryland.
00:10:02Ooh, what a sexy, unusual place.
00:10:05See?
00:10:06I love talking to normal people.
00:10:08They're so fascinating when they're real.
00:10:09Like you, sir.
00:10:10Hi.
00:10:11What do you do for work?
00:10:12Venture capital.
00:10:14Awesome.
00:10:18But honestly, I can have chemistry with anything.
00:10:21Like this guy.
00:10:24Actually, I can't with you.
00:10:26You do look like my brother.
00:10:28Okay.
00:10:28I'm just gonna go back up here.
00:10:32The last fun thing I like to do at my concerts is arrest someone for being hot.
00:10:36So who here can I arrest tonight?
00:10:38Uh, not so fast, Sabrina Carpenter.
00:10:41You are under arrest.
00:10:43For being hot?
00:10:44No.
00:10:45For falsely impersonating an officer 200 times at your concerts.
00:10:50And you're arresting innocent, hot people.
00:10:53Kenan, you're not a cop.
00:10:55You're not even in a costume.
00:10:56What are you doing here?
00:10:58Okay, fine.
00:10:59I'm here to get a cameo for my niece.
00:11:03Sure.
00:11:03I would love to.
00:11:04Do you have $200,000?
00:11:07Goodbye.
00:11:09Well, okay.
00:11:10If anyone else wants one, find me on Venmo.
00:11:12We've got a great show for you tonight.
00:11:13I'm here.
00:11:14So see ya!
00:11:34Uh, hey, welcome to Snack Homies, the podcast about snacks with your homies.
00:11:39I'm Braylor, here with Jason, Kyler, and Thiessen.
00:11:42What's up, boys?
00:11:43Hey, I'm Kyler.
00:11:44Gang, gang.
00:11:46And, uh, we're low-key 12 years old, except Kyler.
00:11:49He's 13.
00:11:50He's unk.
00:11:51No, I'm not!
00:11:52I'm not!
00:11:53Chill, bro, chill.
00:11:55He got the LeBron hairline low-key, though.
00:12:00So, uh, it's spooky season.
00:12:02You know we all gotta talk best Halloween candy.
00:12:07Taysen, do the honors, bruh.
00:12:08I bet I'm gonna kick things off with a controversial pick, Twizzlers.
00:12:13Bro, what?
00:12:17Twizzlers are washed, bro.
00:12:18Twizzlers fell off.
00:12:20It's like chewing on a tire, bro.
00:12:23I don't know.
00:12:24Twizzlers are fire to me.
00:12:25I'm like a big Twizzlers guy.
00:12:28Bet.
00:12:29Alright.
00:12:30Uh, Jason?
00:12:31Uh, so, I'm gonna go ahead and say, um, Airheads.
00:12:35Ooh!
00:12:36Well, Airheads are fire, TBH.
00:12:38What flavor, though?
00:12:40Red?
00:12:40White mystery?
00:12:42Uh, definitely blue.
00:12:44Yeah, I was gonna say blue.
00:12:45Blue's valid.
00:12:46Blue's fire.
00:12:47Um, you guys, you guys try the sour ones?
00:12:51Fire!
00:12:52No, sour ones are fire.
00:12:54You gotta try them.
00:12:56I'm gonna say Snickers.
00:12:57I'm a nut guy.
00:12:58Paws.
00:13:00Oh, chill!
00:13:02No ditty!
00:13:05Facts, facts.
00:13:06Okay, uh, let's go on to our next topic.
00:13:10Go to vegetables.
00:13:12What do we think, fellas?
00:13:13Uh, we down with go to vegetables?
00:13:15Um, it's like, it's kind of a complicated question.
00:13:18Some vegetables are fire, and some vegetables low-key be a fruit.
00:13:25Like, avocado.
00:13:27Yo, what even is that?
00:13:29How does it have, like, a wooden ball in the center?
00:13:33Yo, yo, but miss me with tomatoes, though.
00:13:37Like, the texture?
00:13:38Nah.
00:13:40Yo, tomato is like if an apple was a girl.
00:13:44That's so fact.
00:13:45Uh, but girls are fire.
00:13:47Yeah, except my sister.
00:13:48She's low-key chopped, not gonna lie.
00:13:52Yeah, um, I've never had a vegetable low-key.
00:13:56Wait, for real, unk?
00:13:58Never?
00:13:59Nah, it's just kind of gross.
00:14:01Wait, but, Kyler, they're like important, though.
00:14:04Nah, veggies, veggies are low-key chopped.
00:14:07They're cooked.
00:14:08Especially when they're cooked.
00:14:12Wait, so you've never had, like, a lettuce?
00:14:14No, lettuce is chopped.
00:14:16No.
00:14:17Lettuce is fire when it's chopped.
00:14:20No, chopped like lettuce is cooked.
00:14:21Fire, that's fire.
00:14:23Yeah, so fire.
00:14:24So fire.
00:14:25Yeah, that's actually fire.
00:14:26Cool.
00:14:26So, I'm getting, like, a little lost, actually.
00:14:30Yeah, me too.
00:14:31So fire.
00:14:33Okay, let's move on to today's guest.
00:14:35Um, you know him.
00:14:36He's all over TikTok.
00:14:38President Donald J. Trump.
00:14:41Hello, Snack Homies.
00:14:42It's been a long time coming with regards to snacks and friendship
00:14:47and from the standpoint of podcasts.
00:14:50Um, so, sir, do you have, like, a favorite vegetable?
00:14:54You know, Brailler, I've never been one for the veggies.
00:14:58Ding-dongs.
00:14:59I like a ding-dong.
00:15:01We love little Debbie.
00:15:02She does tremendous work.
00:15:03It's awful what happened to her.
00:15:06You know, I like the Christmas tree cake.
00:15:09I like the Christmas tree cake.
00:15:10You know, it used to be seasonal.
00:15:11But I very smartly made a call.
00:15:16And now we get it year-round.
00:15:18Dang!
00:15:19That's so fire, sir.
00:15:20It is. It's very fire.
00:15:22It's very fire.
00:15:24Um, what are your thoughts on airheads?
00:15:26Uh, you know, airheads are very interesting, Jason.
00:15:28You look at China.
00:15:29You look at Korea.
00:15:30You know, I've solved, like, seven wars at this point, right?
00:15:35No one gives me credit.
00:15:37I've...
00:15:37It's like a hundred wars I've solved, right?
00:15:39Sure.
00:15:40Right.
00:15:40Something like two hundred wars, right?
00:15:42And, you know, Zalinski, he asked for tomahawks that could reach Moscow.
00:15:47And I used to not like that guy, but he's tough, okay?
00:15:49He loves his country.
00:15:51He loves his country.
00:15:51You know who I do like is George Santos.
00:15:55He's weird.
00:15:56He's a liar.
00:15:57I think he's great.
00:15:58We don't know anything about him.
00:15:59He's one of our favorite people.
00:16:00I don't know him at all.
00:16:01I don't know anything about him.
00:16:02He's one of our favorites, you know?
00:16:03The people are marching because they're happy he's free, right?
00:16:07It's a Yes King march.
00:16:09They're saying, Yes King.
00:16:12So, maybe if I think about it, blue airhead.
00:16:17That's fire.
00:16:18That's fire.
00:16:18I told you, bro.
00:16:19I told you.
00:16:20That's fire.
00:16:20Thank you, sir.
00:16:21It's very fire.
00:16:21It's very fire now.
00:16:23I have a question for you boys.
00:16:25Do you think I'm getting into heaven?
00:16:28Uh, what do you mean, sir?
00:16:30Am I going to heaven, chat?
00:16:32Do I fit the criteria in terms of Christian and with regard to St. Peter and pearly gates?
00:16:44Um, I don't know, sir.
00:16:47Probably not, right?
00:16:48Epstein.
00:16:49Oh, well.
00:16:50You know, it's been a good run.
00:16:53Had a great time.
00:16:54Can I just say, I think it's kind of goaded that everyone gets to like their own stuff.
00:17:00Well, you're wrong, Unc.
00:17:01Is this Unc?
00:17:03Is Kyler Unc?
00:17:04I see the LeBron thing now that I'm looking at.
00:17:07Yeah, chat is Unc cooked.
00:17:08I think Unc is cooked.
00:17:11Yo, Trump just violated bro.
00:17:15Bro, chill, chill.
00:17:16Chill, chill, chill.
00:17:17Okay.
00:17:18Fire episode, everyone.
00:17:20Thank you, sir.
00:17:21Peace.
00:17:29So, what are you up to this weekend?
00:17:31Chris and I are going to hang at home, which is exactly what I need.
00:17:35We've had something to do the past five weekends in a row.
00:17:38So, I'm very much looking forward to doing literally nothing.
00:17:45Who's that, babe?
00:17:47My cousin.
00:17:47She just texted me almost there.
00:17:51What does that mean?
00:17:52Oh, God.
00:17:54I think...
00:17:55I think we have...
00:17:56We have what?
00:17:59Plans.
00:18:01From Blumhouse, the studio that brought you Insidious, and Annabelle, Rise of Whore Doll, comes a terrifying story about when
00:18:09the thing you agreed to do four months ago is today.
00:18:13How could this happen?
00:18:14Let me think.
00:18:15The 4th of July.
00:18:17My mom's barbecue.
00:18:19She said she wanted to come to the city in the fall.
00:18:21Oh, my God.
00:18:22We should have visited you.
00:18:23We must have set a date.
00:18:24Which...
00:18:25Which cousin is it?
00:18:26Which cousin is it?
00:18:28The one who runs marathons.
00:18:31Tokyo, I ran a class in Team 28, but I hadn't trained.
00:18:34You really want to get into Berlin.
00:18:35The way I see it, losing toenails is a badge of honor.
00:18:38It's okay.
00:18:39This is okay.
00:18:39Chris.
00:18:40You guys can hang out, and I'll just do my own thing.
00:18:42I mean, she's not my cousin, so...
00:18:44Chris!
00:18:46Her husband is coming, too.
00:18:50The guy who always shows me YouTube videos?
00:18:52Oh, man, you gotta see this.
00:18:55I can't believe you haven't seen it.
00:18:59Eleven minutes?
00:19:00I found an email she sent in August.
00:19:02No.
00:19:03They want to do drinks here.
00:19:05Then dinner at that viral ramen place.
00:19:08It's so crowded and overhyped.
00:19:09Then go to some immersive play based on the story of Snow White.
00:19:12The one where you're part of the show?
00:19:13Seven blocks.
00:19:15Seven lies.
00:19:17Just tell them we have COVID.
00:19:19They don't believe in that.
00:19:22You thought you were safe.
00:19:25Hey!
00:19:26Wanna see 1,000 pictures of my dog?
00:19:29Please, no. Leave me alone, please.
00:19:31No, no.
00:19:32You thought you were alone.
00:19:35I have opinions on politics, and I can't wait for you to hear them all.
00:19:39You'll be fine.
00:19:40It's just one night, then we'll have the rest of the weekend to ourselves.
00:19:46We're here!
00:19:47Why do they have suitcases?
00:19:49You thought you were free.
00:19:51Didn't I tell you?
00:19:55They're staying till Monday.
00:19:57No!
00:20:06You're in trouble.
00:20:08Okay, this one's trouble.
00:20:09Hi shoppers, Rhett and Bev here live on SHOP TV.
00:20:14Bev looking adorable.
00:20:16You, sir, are a flirt.
00:20:18Oh, just call me Flirt Russell.
00:20:20Flirt Russell.
00:20:21Okay.
00:20:22Well, we've got a lot of great deals coming up later in the hour.
00:20:25The Crafty Christian returns.
00:20:27That's right, Tim.
00:20:28Tucker Neebs here with his new Jesus trick-or-treat pass.
00:20:33Look at that.
00:20:35Oh, stunning.
00:20:35Oh, my God.
00:20:37Trick-or-treat, smell my feet, walk with Christ down the Halloween street.
00:20:40Oh, my God.
00:20:42He's a hoot.
00:20:42I love it.
00:20:43Our producer Odell's over there smiling.
00:20:45He's gonna buy one.
00:20:47Well, speaking of Halloween, you know what the scariest thing of all is?
00:20:50What?
00:20:51Airline travel.
00:20:52Oh.
00:20:52Oh, I hate it.
00:20:53It's the worst.
00:20:54I'm uncomfortable.
00:20:54Well, that is where our next seller comes in.
00:20:58Designer Virginia Duffy joins us with her new, brand new, ergonomic neck pillow.
00:21:06And aren't you just the cutest, tiniest little thing?
00:21:09Tiniest thing.
00:21:09Look at this.
00:21:10My Nana always said, short folks will be tall in heaven.
00:21:16That made me a little sad, actually, right?
00:21:19Tell us about this pillow, Virginia.
00:21:21Well, it's simply the most comfy travel pillow out there, and it stays snug with magnetic snaps.
00:21:27Oh, and it's yours for just $39.99.
00:21:31Why don't you prop this up and show the shoppers at home all the neat cushions inside?
00:21:37Okay.
00:21:37Ooh, fun snaps together.
00:21:41Ooh, that's neat.
00:21:43Okay.
00:21:44Okay.
00:21:44Oh, I don't, not the best angle on that.
00:21:50Um, okay.
00:21:51Okay.
00:21:51So this outer layer here is made of memory foam, right?
00:21:56Mm-hmm.
00:21:56Okay.
00:21:56And then this inner layer is filled with a cool and gel.
00:21:59Odell, why now?
00:22:00Please close up, Odell.
00:22:02Why now?
00:22:02Cool, cool, cool.
00:22:04All right.
00:22:04So two different layers, layers, layers, layers.
00:22:09Very neat.
00:22:10Okay.
00:22:11And it's available in ten different colors.
00:22:13Oh!
00:22:14Why would you bring the pink one?
00:22:17So $39.99 on that.
00:22:20And now let me explain what makes this pillow so great.
00:22:24Okay.
00:22:24It's how it feels.
00:22:26Mm-hmm.
00:22:26It feels so soft.
00:22:28Wow.
00:22:28Okay.
00:22:29Feel this, Rhett.
00:22:29Oh, I'm good.
00:22:30All right.
00:22:32Okay.
00:22:32Blur this, Odell.
00:22:34Blur this, Odell.
00:22:35Okay.
00:22:36Yep.
00:22:36It's unreal.
00:22:38Mm-hmm.
00:22:39Yep.
00:22:39How does it feel?
00:22:40Feels a little wrong, actually.
00:22:42Okay.
00:22:43Oh, no.
00:22:43Oh, no.
00:22:44Oh, no.
00:22:44Don't be gentle.
00:22:45You can move your hand around there and put it in things.
00:22:47Oh, no, no, no.
00:22:48Don't say that.
00:22:49Okay.
00:22:49I think we're done with that.
00:22:51Okay.
00:22:52How about we go to the phones?
00:22:53Yeah.
00:22:53Caller, you're on shop TV.
00:22:54What do you think of the new neck pillow?
00:22:56I think it looks like a lady's foot.
00:22:58Hey, hey.
00:22:58Hang on.
00:23:01And it gets better.
00:23:02I don't know if you noticed this little ball up here.
00:23:05Well, you know what?
00:23:05It did catch my eye just a little bit.
00:23:08Well, that lines up with your neck's pressure point and actually vibrates.
00:23:12Oh, of course it does.
00:23:14If you touch it right here, you'll be in heaven.
00:23:17Let me show you.
00:23:18No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:23:22No, no, no, no, no.
00:23:22I'm just going to turn that off.
00:23:24Okay.
00:23:25All right.
00:23:26Bev, have you ever felt anything like that?
00:23:28Oh, not since my sophomore year of college.
00:23:30Bev?
00:23:31Okay.
00:23:32All right.
00:23:32Let's just put this down here if that's okay.
00:23:35Get that out of the way.
00:23:37All right.
00:23:37So, $39.99.
00:23:39Now, Vagina.
00:23:40I'm sorry.
00:23:41Virginia.
00:23:42So sorry about that.
00:23:43I'm told you have a special offer for our shoppers.
00:23:46That's right.
00:23:46If you order in the next five minutes, I will upgrade your pillow to the deluxe version for
00:23:51free.
00:23:52Ooh.
00:23:52Ooh.
00:23:54With the faux fur lining.
00:23:57Ooh.
00:23:59All right.
00:24:01Okay.
00:24:02Yes.
00:24:03Let's take a call.
00:24:04Hey there, caller.
00:24:05You're on, uh, you're on shop TV.
00:24:08Uh, hi.
00:24:09Is the deluxe pillow available in red head?
00:24:11Oh, hang up.
00:24:12Hang up.
00:24:13Yeah.
00:24:14The fur is available in dark brown or camel hair.
00:24:17Okay.
00:24:17Yay.
00:24:17Yay.
00:24:18Yay.
00:24:18Next caller.
00:24:19Hi there.
00:24:20Yeah.
00:24:21So, uh, you make any that are less pretty, more, I don't know, like bent around the block.
00:24:27Oh, shit.
00:24:28Hang on, Odell.
00:24:30I don't understand his question.
00:24:32Good.
00:24:33Good.
00:24:34Now, this is machine washable, correct?
00:24:36It is.
00:24:37Okay.
00:24:37Easy to clean.
00:24:38No one wants to get one of these all stinky.
00:24:40Yeah.
00:24:41Okay.
00:24:41Um, I do.
00:24:42Hang on, Jack.
00:24:43Lace is still on the line, Odell.
00:24:45Hang up on him.
00:24:47Well, thanks for joining us, Virginia.
00:24:50Wait, wait, wait.
00:24:50I can't leave before you try it out.
00:24:52Rick, get in here.
00:24:53Uh-oh.
00:24:53What?
00:24:54Oh, you want me to go?
00:24:55Okay.
00:24:55Okay.
00:24:56I'm gonna go through this.
00:24:57There I go.
00:24:58All right.
00:25:00What?
00:25:01And yay.
00:25:02Yay.
00:25:04Don't play a baby sound effect, Odell.
00:25:08Disgusting.
00:25:09Well, this has been fun, Virginia.
00:25:11Yeah.
00:25:12I designed the packaging myself.
00:25:14Can I show your viewers the box?
00:25:15Well, I think you already did, honey.
00:25:18I think you did.
00:25:19I think you did.
00:25:19We'll be right back after this quick break.
00:25:21It actually is super comfortable.
00:25:36I can't believe you talked me into this.
00:25:39I mean, a girl boss, female confidence seminar?
00:25:42It's not just any seminar.
00:25:44It's Queen Leisha.
00:25:46She teaches confidence through motivational speech and dancing.
00:25:49Her seminars on girl boss grind set literally feel like a party.
00:25:52Here she comes now.
00:25:55All right.
00:25:57Okay.
00:25:57Who's excited to get this girl boss party started?
00:26:00I am Queen Leisha.
00:26:02Whoo!
00:26:04Girls, by coming here, you're already on the road to success, so you don't have to feel
00:26:08insecurity or FOMO no mo.
00:26:10Now, everyone wave goodbye to your haters in the rear view.
00:26:13Now get up.
00:26:15Confidence.
00:26:15Let's do it.
00:26:16Let's dance.
00:26:16Period.
00:26:19Whoo!
00:26:21Okay.
00:26:22This is actually kind of fun.
00:26:26But, man, they're really swinging her around, huh?
00:26:33Yeah, go off, Queen Leisha.
00:26:41Oh, my God.
00:26:42Oh, no.
00:26:43Is she okay?
00:26:46Yeah.
00:26:48Oh, man.
00:26:49My head.
00:26:50Okay.
00:26:51I'm okay.
00:26:52Nothing can get me down.
00:26:54Now let's dance.
00:26:57Are we sure she's okay?
00:26:58Because it looks like she hit her head directly into that dumpster.
00:27:02She's fine, girl.
00:27:04Nothing stops to get me down.
00:27:05Oh, my queen.
00:27:06Now listen up, girls.
00:27:08You want your haters to be jealous?
00:27:09Well, jealousy is a disease.
00:27:11And the vaccine?
00:27:12Mm-hmm.
00:27:13Why?
00:27:14Because when everyone around you, you know you're doing something doing.
00:27:18And that's on period.
00:27:19Let's dance.
00:27:22Oh, I think she has a concussion.
00:27:25That didn't make any sense.
00:27:27That just means you don't believe in yourself, girl.
00:27:30Oh.
00:27:30Girls, tune out the FOMO.
00:27:32And get ready to fly like the original icon Amelia Earhart.
00:27:36She broke the glass ceiling by being the first woman to ever die.
00:27:40And that's my period.
00:27:45Like, that was just nonsense.
00:27:48Now, who here has a problem?
00:27:51Oh, I do, queen.
00:27:52So I'm up for a promotion at work,
00:27:54but I think my coworker Susan is trying to sabotage me.
00:27:57What do I do?
00:27:58Girl, there's a special place now for women who are women.
00:28:02But when you're in the fire of success,
00:28:04the only thing Susan B is Anthony.
00:28:06And I'm on my period.
00:28:09She needs to go to the hospital.
00:28:11You guys, come on, stop.
00:28:13You're gonna make it worse.
00:28:19What is your deal?
00:28:21Do you just hate other women?
00:28:23I'm worried she has a brain injury.
00:28:26All right, now who here wants to be rich?
00:28:29Who wants to drive a nice car and live in a gay community?
00:28:33Does she mean gated community?
00:28:36Who wants to have a rockin' body and be next to her neighbors with Sean Hayes?
00:28:40So she did mean a gay community.
00:28:44Well, if you want to do that,
00:28:45you're gonna have to replace your FOMO with FOMO?
00:28:48Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:28:50What does that stand for?
00:28:51I'll tell you it.
00:28:52It stands for fear of missing out on me,
00:28:56or not on other people's expectations of me
00:28:58while I'm on my way to living my dream life in the car of success.
00:29:01Yeah, that's what it stands for.
00:29:02And you just got your period.
00:29:06Wait, so that was planned?
00:29:08And stop dancing.
00:29:10You're gonna hurt her again.
00:29:14Another window successfully prepared.
00:29:17Suppose I'll just be on my way.
00:29:21Whew!
00:29:22That was a relief.
00:29:23My window is still safe.
00:29:24Oh, no, Felicia, no!
00:29:26Ah!
00:29:30What?
00:29:35Come on, we're back.
00:29:36Queen Leisha!
00:29:38Queen Leisha, my girl!
00:29:40We gotta get you to the hospital!
00:29:42You clearly have a concussion!
00:29:45Do I?
00:29:48Or is your internalized misogyny so deep-rooted
00:29:53that a woman being confident and inspiring
00:29:57just sounds like nonsense to you?
00:30:00You know what?
00:30:01Maybe you're right.
00:30:03Thanks, Queen Leisha.
00:30:04Oh no.
00:30:19What?
00:30:24Let's get crazy.
00:30:27You know it girl, it's final time
00:30:30I see your eye in me, it's a school that's in on both of our minds
00:30:35And I'm too prone, 12 sprays of my dad's cologne
00:30:39We could get PG-13, if you know what I mean
00:30:43It's almost 6pm, time to hit the sound
00:30:48Just got my braces tightened, boy it's gonna go down
00:30:52I can't deny, you might have to try
00:30:56Yeah, that one special thing, I know just what you mean
00:31:02And we're in my mom's car, rolling up to the school
00:31:07Cherry chopsticks on, yeah we're breaking the rules
00:31:11And I know that it's wrong, but it's feeling so right
00:31:15We're 13, but tonight is the night
00:31:19We're gonna grind back and forth
00:31:21I'm singing, singing, singing, singing
00:31:23It's climb time
00:31:24We've got no rhythm and got no inhibition
00:31:28Over the pants and romancing
00:31:30Hot and heavy we're dancing
00:31:32It's climb time
00:31:33nhiều that's amazing, I'm jumping
00:31:36Our bodies are changing
00:31:39And so is the bass
00:31:41But I try not to scream
00:31:43While she steps on my feet
00:31:45I'll do what I please
00:31:47No room for Jesus
00:31:49We getting freaky tonight
00:31:52Despite the difference in height
00:31:54Ow! What is that?
00:31:55It's sobbing in the back
00:31:56I don't know and I'm scared
00:32:00Gonna grind front to front
00:32:03What's your grind to me?
00:32:05It's grind time
00:32:06Getting loose off the sun capri
00:32:09I got my butt on his crotchet
00:32:12All the chaperones watching
00:32:14Hi mom
00:32:14Caroline, enough!
00:32:17Principal Atkins, do something!
00:32:19Principal Atkins!
00:32:23I could be writing my novel
00:32:26Upstate in a cottage
00:32:28Instead I'm stuck here supervising preteen frottage
00:32:33So I leave my body
00:32:35Let them have their fun
00:32:37Cause no one grinded on me when I was young
00:32:41We gotta grind our addiction
00:32:44So insane and dirty
00:32:46It's time
00:32:47Time
00:32:47Hurry up
00:32:48The dance is done at 8.30
00:32:50Cause this is middle school loving
00:32:52Awkward pushing and shoving
00:32:55We're gonna grind
00:32:56We got this up the song
00:33:03Hey, can you touch my butt?
00:33:05I thought the guy was supposed to do that to the girl
00:33:07No, no, I hear it's whatever the person wants
00:33:09Okay
00:33:11Mmm, you like that?
00:33:13Yeah
00:33:13Alright, I'm calling
00:33:18I think I love you
00:33:21Oh, no thank you
00:33:36Ladies and gentlemen
00:33:38Sabrina Carpenter
00:33:56You said your phone was broken
00:33:58Just forgot to charge it
00:34:00Hold up what you're wearing
00:34:02God, I hope it's ironic
00:34:04You just say you're finished
00:34:06Didn't know we started
00:34:08It's all just so familiar
00:34:10Baby, what do you call it?
00:34:13Stupid
00:34:14Or is it
00:34:17Slow
00:34:20Maybe it's
00:34:21Useless
00:34:23But there's a cure to work for it
00:34:25I know
00:34:27My child
00:34:31Why you always come running to me
00:34:35If I
00:34:39Won't you let an innocent woman be
00:34:42Never hurt or suffocate
00:34:46Happy friend just ain't there
00:34:50My child
00:34:54Why you always come running to me
00:34:58Get all my loving for me
00:35:06Life so sexy
00:35:09Is so dumb
00:35:11And how to survive the earth so long
00:35:15If I'm not there
00:35:16Well, it won't get done
00:35:18I choose to blame your mom
00:35:21I choose to blame your mom
00:35:25Why you always come running to me
00:35:29If I
00:35:33Won't you let an innocent woman be
00:35:37Never hurt or suffocate
00:35:41Half your brain just ain't there
00:35:45Man, child
00:35:49Why you always come running to me
00:35:52Take it all
00:35:53Oh, I like my boys playing hard to get
00:35:57And I like my man
00:35:59I'm incompetent
00:36:01And I swear they choose me
00:36:03I'm not choosing them
00:36:05Amen
00:36:06Sing it!
00:36:07Amen
00:36:08Oh, I like my boys playing hard to get
00:36:13And I like my man
00:36:15I think I'm pretending
00:36:17I swear they choose me
00:36:19I'm not choosing them
00:36:21Amen
00:36:21Amen
00:36:23Amen
00:36:24Amen
00:36:25Amen
00:36:27I love my baby
00:36:29Why you always come running to me
00:36:31If I'm not
00:36:33Why you always come running to me
00:36:34If I'm not
00:36:36Well, you let an innocent woman be
00:36:39No
00:36:43And I like my man
00:36:47And I swear they choose me
00:36:50I'm not choosing this
00:36:52Amen
00:36:54Amen
00:36:54Woo, yeah
00:37:40It's Weekend Update
00:37:42With Colin Jost
00:37:43And Michael Chang
00:37:52Thank you
00:37:53Good evening, everyone
00:37:54Welcome to Weekend Update
00:37:55I'm Michael Chang
00:37:56I'm Colin Jost
00:37:57Well, yesterday, President Trump
00:38:00Finally released what everyone
00:38:02Has been asking him to release
00:38:04Nice
00:38:04George Santos
00:38:06The former Republican congressman
00:38:09Who had pled guilty to fraud
00:38:11And something called
00:38:12Aggravated identity theft
00:38:14Which I think is when you push someone into a closet
00:38:17And switch clothes with them
00:38:18Is now free and will face zero consequences
00:38:22But Santos says that he's a changed man
00:38:24And he even released a photo of his new prison body
00:38:31Lord Amir Zelensky has said that if President Trump provides Ukraine with Tomahawk missiles
00:38:35He will nominate Trump for a Nobel Peace Prize
00:38:38You know, the prize they give you for selling missiles
00:38:42There was outrage this week over a leaked group chat
00:38:46Between Republican leaders which praised Hitler
00:38:48And referred to Black Americans as Watermelon People
00:38:51The chat was named Jost Family
00:38:59What did I do to you?
00:39:02While traveling on Air Force One to the Middle East to celebrate the ceasefire
00:39:06President Trump told reporters
00:39:08I don't think there's anything that's gonna get me into heaven
00:39:11Then he paused for ten full minutes
00:39:14Waiting for someone to say
00:39:15That's not true
00:39:18Because Trump can't go to heaven
00:39:20He's far too busy down here
00:39:22Running hell
00:39:25President Trump announced that another alleged drug smuggling boat from Venezuela
00:39:29Has been blown out of the water without warning
00:39:32And you may not think that's a big deal right now
00:39:35But one day soon
00:39:36You'll look at yourself in the mirror and realize
00:39:38You're out of cocaine
00:39:44President Trump criticized Time Magazine
00:39:47For using a bad picture of him on the cover
00:39:50Saying, quote, they disappeared my hair
00:39:54And I gotta agree, that thing do look waxed
00:40:03John Bolton, who wants people to stop coming up to him to order chicken
00:40:09Has become the third person on President Trump's enemies list to be indicted
00:40:14And you know you aren't living your life right
00:40:17When you keep an actual list of your enemies
00:40:19At least that's what my therapist told me
00:40:22So now she's on the list too
00:40:28Hundreds of people in Portland sent a message to ICE
00:40:31To leave their city by riding their bikes naked through the rain
00:40:35And you're not going to believe this
00:40:37It didn't work
00:40:42A new report shows that of the nearly 100 Trump nominees
00:40:46Confirmed by the Senate
00:40:48Only two of them were black
00:40:49Two black people out of a hundred
00:40:51I mean, what is this?
00:40:52My Tinder matches?
00:40:55Nope
00:40:57I liked it
00:40:58Argentine President Javier Malay
00:41:01Seen here asking if he makes you horny, baby
00:41:06Met with President Trump at the White House this week
00:41:09Where Trump announced he's sending $40 billion to Argentina
00:41:13Because if history is any guide
00:41:15A lot of Trump officials will end up fleeing to Argentina
00:41:23Okay, one clap
00:41:26In the clinching...
00:41:28I'm just kidding, I was fine
00:41:29In the clinching...
00:41:30In the clinching game of the NLCS
00:41:32Dodgers star Shohei Otani
00:41:34Pitched six scoreless innings
00:41:36Struck out ten batters
00:41:37Then hit three home runs
00:41:39It is a feat
00:41:41It is a feat
00:41:42Previously only accomplished by George Santos
00:41:47During the first New York mayoral debate
00:41:50Andrew Cuomo attacked Zoran Mamdani
00:41:52Saying that he once gave the finger
00:41:55To the Columbus Day statue
00:41:56Whereas Cuomo snuck up behind the statue
00:41:59And grabbed it by the hips
00:42:04Well, Halloween is right around the corner
00:42:06Which means it's officially scary movie season
00:42:09Here to comment is Weekend Update's resident cinephile
00:42:12The Movie Guy
00:42:18How's everybody doing tonight?
00:42:19I'm the Movie Guy
00:42:22And I'm here to talk about a scary movie
00:42:25Ooh
00:42:30All right, scary movies
00:42:32Well, Movie Guy, let's start with Black Phone 2
00:42:35That just came out this weekend
00:42:36Oh, yeah, Black Phone 2
00:42:38Ring, ring, hello?
00:42:40Sorry, you had the wrong number
00:42:42Because I have not seen that one yet
00:42:46Oh, okay, well, I guess it just came out
00:42:48What about the biggest horror movie of the year, Weapons?
00:42:51Oh, yeah, Weapons
00:42:52That was a very big movie, Colin
00:42:54Everybody saw Weapons
00:42:56And I have to tell you
00:42:58I was not one of those people
00:43:01Do you even like scary movies?
00:43:03Oh, I love scary movies
00:43:05Because in the title
00:43:06They tell you what's gonna happen
00:43:08Like, Cream
00:43:10Everybody Cream
00:43:13Smile
00:43:14Everybody Smile
00:43:15And Saw
00:43:17Everybody Saw
00:43:18Except me
00:43:20I did not see Saw
00:43:24All right, well, what about, like, classic horror movies
00:43:27Like The Exorcist
00:43:28Oh, The Exorcist
00:43:31That's about a scary child
00:43:34But you know who is the scariest child?
00:43:38Thuy
00:43:40Who?
00:43:41Thuy
00:43:42Thuy?
00:43:43Thuy Griffiths, man
00:43:44Come on
00:43:46Yeah, his father is fat
00:43:48His mother is skinny
00:43:50And she always getting so mad at him
00:43:53And I can see why
00:43:55It's because his head
00:43:56Looked like a vagina destroyer
00:44:01What are you talking about?
00:44:04I'm talking about a scary movie, man
00:44:06Come on
00:44:06Not really
00:44:07You know what movie is very scary?
00:44:09Uh-huh
00:44:09The one with Michael Myers
00:44:11Oh, yes, of course
00:44:12Classic Halloween
00:44:13Michael Myers
00:44:14No, no, no
00:44:14Michael Myers
00:44:16Shrek, my brother
00:44:19This movie is about every man's biggest fear
00:44:23You're going to sleep with a beautiful woman
00:44:26And then you're waking up and go
00:44:28How drunk was I last night?
00:44:32You know what I'm talking about, Gale
00:44:34You know
00:44:34You know what I'm talking about
00:44:36You know what I'm talking about
00:44:37Leave me out of this, okay?
00:44:39Can we focus on scary movies?
00:44:41Okay, I know what you did last summer
00:44:42Okay, what did I do?
00:44:45I don't know
00:44:46Okay, then why would you say something like that?
00:44:49What about the movie It?
00:44:51I did not see that
00:44:56That's...
00:44:56Alien?
00:44:57No, Colin
00:44:58I am an American citizen
00:45:00No
00:45:04All right, movie guy
00:45:06I feel like I should have said this two minutes ago
00:45:08But it's time to wrap it up
00:45:11Okay
00:45:12But before I go
00:45:14Can I do a joke?
00:45:16Sure, I...
00:45:17Sure, you can tell a joke
00:45:18Okay, thank you
00:45:19This is a joke
00:45:21About a scary movie
00:45:22From 2008
00:45:24Okay?
00:45:25The movie is
00:45:26One Missed Call
00:45:28In this movie
00:45:29In this movie
00:45:30The phone rings
00:45:30And if you don't pick it up
00:45:32You die
00:45:33And I'm like
00:45:34Is this movie
00:45:36About my mother?
00:45:38Am I right, guys?
00:45:40Movie guy, everyone
00:45:42Happy Halloween, everybody
00:45:43Thank you for...
00:45:51Skims has introduced a new line of thong underwear called Ultimate Bush, which features synthetic pubic hair
00:45:58And I know a guy who could wear it as a scarf
00:46:06Retailers are saying that the top kids' costumes for Halloween this year are the K-pop Demon Hunters
00:46:11Or as it's sold at Spirit Halloween
00:46:14Asian singing murderers
00:46:22Visitors to the San Diego Zoo's gorilla exhibit were startled when one of the apes shattered the glass
00:46:28Sealing
00:46:29Oh
00:46:34Inspiring
00:46:35I'm proud of the apes
00:46:38Britain's Prince Andrew announced that after a discussion with King Charles about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein
00:46:43He will stop using his royal title, Duke of York
00:46:46And instead will go by the King of Quinceañeras
00:46:54I'm proud of that joke
00:46:57Do it
00:47:00Officials are saying this year's fall foliage season will end sooner and will have more muted colors
00:47:06Cool, guess I'll just kill myself then
00:47:13What happened to you, man?
00:47:15Doctors in China transplanted a genetically modified fake liver into a man who lived for 171 days after the procedure
00:47:24The liver will now be sent to a special facility for experimental animal organs
00:47:34You okay, bud?
00:47:36Yeah, I'm doing great
00:47:36Census data shows that New York is ranked as one of the states with the most residents moving out
00:47:43Here to talk about that is someone who just moved in, new cast member Tommy Brennan
00:47:50Hi, Colin
00:47:51Hey, Tommy, welcome
00:47:52So you just moved to New York, what do you think so far?
00:47:55Well, it's a little different from home
00:47:57I'm from the Midwest, not sure if you can tell from my kind eyes and secret drinking problem
00:48:03I'm from like a big Minnesotan family
00:48:05I'm one of eight kids
00:48:06Eight kids? Wow, you do not see that a lot
00:48:09Yeah, I think probably because it's the wrong choice
00:48:12Like, eight is too many kids
00:48:15You know how I know that?
00:48:17We had a cafeteria-style milk machine at home
00:48:20We had a milkman
00:48:21Tim the milkman was like a big part of my life
00:48:24He'd show up, he'd replace the milk
00:48:26We'd play catch, he'd call me son
00:48:27I'd be like, why do I look so much like you?
00:48:31It sounds like you grew up in like the 1930s
00:48:34Well, yeah, I didn't
00:48:36But I do kind of look like I did
00:48:38Like, I look like a locket photo during World War I
00:48:43You know, like, I look like a guy who was really good at football pre-integration
00:48:52I will say
00:48:53I will say, I think the way I grew up has really helped me adjust to New York
00:48:57Like, everyone says public transit is wild
00:49:00But for my entire childhood
00:49:03The ten of us rode around in a seven-seater Chevy Astrovan
00:49:06So anywhere we drove, it kind of looked like we were being trafficked
00:49:10So I love the subway
00:49:12I can hang down there
00:49:13I've been watching people jump over those turnstiles
00:49:15And today, I finally worked up the courage
00:49:18And I jumped my first one
00:49:19Hey, that's great
00:49:21Oh man, congrats, buddy
00:49:23Jumped your first turnstile
00:49:24Yeah, it was cool
00:49:25It was exhilarating
00:49:26It was thrilling
00:49:27It was on the way out
00:49:29But
00:49:30Like, it felt good
00:49:33It still, it counts, you know?
00:49:35Yeah, it counts
00:49:35It counts
00:49:36So you're a good boy
00:49:40Sure, yeah
00:49:41Yeah, uh, yeah, I'm a good boy
00:49:44I guess I'm
00:49:45I'm just, I'm just like really scared of being in trouble all the time
00:49:49Because I grew up Catholic
00:49:50Which means I grew up like feeling guilty
00:49:52But I never knew what for
00:49:54Because when, when you're a kid
00:49:56When you grow up Catholic
00:49:57Like, the only sins you really know
00:49:59Are like breaking the Ten Commandments
00:50:01Like, don't steal, don't kill
00:50:03You have the right to bear arms
00:50:04Or whatever
00:50:05And, um
00:50:06And so I never really knew what to say
00:50:08Like, in confession
00:50:09Because I couldn't confess to the one sin
00:50:11That me and every other 12-year-old boy
00:50:13Was committing constantly
00:50:15You know what I referred to back then as Tommy time?
00:50:19You know
00:50:21Shucking my corn
00:50:21Yeah
00:50:22Yeah
00:50:23I bet, like, at confession
00:50:24I couldn't be like
00:50:25Yeah, I've been going to town on myself lately
00:50:27It's kind of all I do
00:50:28Honestly, it's consuming my life, Father
00:50:31And if I wasn't in here
00:50:32That's what I'd be doing
00:50:33You know
00:50:33Can't say that
00:50:34Because then he'd be like
00:50:35Thought, you can do it in here
00:50:36I'm doing it
00:50:38Tommy Brant, everyone
00:50:39I'm sorry
00:50:41Can we get up there?
00:50:42I'm Colin Gerst
00:50:43I'm Michael Smith
00:50:57I'm Michael Smith
00:50:59Okay, well, next time, I guess
00:51:02Hey
00:51:02You folks looking for a new washer and dryer?
00:51:05Oh, yes
00:51:06Absolutely
00:51:06Well, fear not
00:51:07We have plenty of great options for you
00:51:10We have this great eco-friendly model here
00:51:12And you'll like this
00:51:13When it's done
00:51:14It does this fun little jingle
00:51:19Oh, that is a fun jingle
00:51:20Wouldn't mind getting that stuck in my head
00:51:22You know what you should get stuck in your head?
00:51:24Our anniversary
00:51:25It's today
00:51:27Once you cheated, I chose to forget
00:51:33Well, we also have this LG model
00:51:36It's 50% off
00:51:38And when it's done, you'll hear this
00:51:41Ooh, half off
00:51:42That's great
00:51:43Yeah, but it doesn't have that jingle
00:51:44I really like that
00:51:46Well, if it's a jingle you crave
00:51:48I do have this special washer-dryer duo
00:51:51Now, I don't show these to just anyone
00:51:58Your clothes are done
00:51:59Your clothes are done
00:52:01I've weighed a man and washed a man
00:52:02Your clothes are done
00:52:03I'm the washer
00:52:04Do-do
00:52:05I'm the dryer
00:52:06Do-do
00:52:08We washed all your clothes
00:52:09Got the stains right out
00:52:11And they're almost totally dry
00:52:16Okay
00:52:17Whoa
00:52:17I really like that
00:52:19Kind of a swinging 20s vibe
00:52:20Very fun
00:52:21Yeah, I don't know
00:52:22At the end, they said the clothes
00:52:23Will be almost totally dry
00:52:25That seems bad
00:52:27Mm-hmm
00:52:28Tell me, ma'am
00:52:29Do you ever wash delicates?
00:52:30Oh, yes, actually
00:52:32When he goes out of town
00:52:33I tend to wash a lot of delicates
00:52:56We ate two of your shirts
00:52:59Yum
00:53:01Wow, that was beautiful
00:53:03Look, sir
00:53:05I'll be frank
00:53:06I tend to eat a lot of spaghetti
00:53:07On my bicycle
00:53:08How's the power wash setting?
00:53:11Hmm
00:53:11You tell me
00:53:15Give me that power wash
00:53:20Oh, perfect
00:53:21That's how long they all should be
00:53:24Give me that power wash
00:53:26Give me that power
00:53:28Give me those dirty clothes
00:53:30I'll make it louder
00:53:32Give me that power wash
00:53:34Go for an hour
00:53:36They won't get dirtier
00:53:38Unless they do
00:53:41Sold!
00:53:42What?
00:53:43They just said the clothes might get dirtier
00:53:46Okay, babe
00:53:46Okay, babe, look
00:53:47Let's do a pros and cons list
00:53:48Pros
00:53:49The songs are dynamite
00:53:50And I'm attracted to the machines
00:53:53And you haven't even heard about the permanent press setting
00:53:56Ready?
00:53:57Go
00:53:58Well, well, well
00:53:59You want to know about permanent press?
00:54:02Well, you've come to the right place
00:54:04It might even give a try
00:54:05Let us thank you for a spin
00:54:13Permanent press
00:54:20Permanent press
00:54:23Permanent press
00:54:24Permanent press
00:54:25Oh
00:54:28Permanent press
00:54:31Permanent press
00:54:33We don't know what that is
00:54:38Yeah
00:54:45We will take them both
00:54:48Sold!
00:55:09Don't you just love it
00:55:10When it's someone's birthday in the office
00:55:12It makes a regular day feel special
00:55:13Every day's special
00:55:15When I'm working with my crush
00:55:16Liz, you know I'm married to a model
00:55:19Okay, she's coming
00:55:20Everybody hide
00:55:21Oh, good voice
00:55:22Good voice
00:55:28Sit down
00:55:29Permanent press
00:55:40Oh
00:55:45Oh
00:55:46Oh
00:55:48Oh
00:55:51Oh
00:55:53Oh
00:55:55Oh
00:55:55Oh
00:55:57Oh
00:56:02Happy?
00:56:05Jesus Christ.
00:56:08I'm sorry, Laura.
00:56:09We just wanted to do something for your birthday.
00:56:12Oh, you sure did.
00:56:13I'm feeling pretty special right now.
00:56:17Sorry.
00:56:17We thought you'd like it.
00:56:19You thought I was like what?
00:56:20Walking into a dark room thinking I'm being attacked?
00:56:22I almost passed out.
00:56:24I think you just got scared and farted a little.
00:56:28Okay.
00:56:29Can we just work?
00:56:31God.
00:56:32Yeah, sure.
00:56:33Let's start the meeting.
00:56:34I think that's a great idea.
00:56:40I mean, is this what you guys wanted, huh?
00:56:43To see me lose full control of my body?
00:56:47Laura, seriously, we're sorry.
00:56:50You know what?
00:56:51I think I'm just going to open my presents alone in my office, if that's okay.
00:56:56Oh, um.
00:56:58I don't know that we have more presents.
00:57:00More presents?
00:57:02That was my present?
00:57:04I mean, where do you guys even get an idea for something like this?
00:57:08I mean, it's actually a pretty common thing.
00:57:10Most people laugh.
00:57:12Well, I laugh too, guess.
00:57:14Just not out of my butt.
00:57:17I mean, I laugh too, I guess.
00:57:20Just not out of my mouth.
00:57:28Who do I send the thank you note to?
00:57:30Everyone?
00:57:30Mother, you're sorry.
00:57:32Most people like it, okay?
00:57:34Let's just put it behind us.
00:57:36Oh, you want to put it behind us?
00:57:37No.
00:57:38You know what?
00:57:38Since everyone likes it so much, let's see what Jen thinks.
00:57:41Jen!
00:57:42Jen, can you come in here, please?
00:57:44Surprise!
00:57:50Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, see?
00:58:03Yeah, I think that was you again.
00:58:05Okay.
00:58:05Jen, just go, go, go, just go.
00:58:08You know what?
00:58:09Can I just know whose idea this was so I can sleep tonight?
00:58:14It was mine.
00:58:15Yeah, I knew it.
00:58:17You've been out for me since the beginning, so.
00:58:18I started a week ago.
00:58:20You want my job, and you've made that very clear.
00:58:23I think I'm above you.
00:58:25You are?
00:58:26I think so.
00:58:27Is that true?
00:58:28Is that real?
00:58:29Yeah, I mean, I think we all are.
00:58:31What?
00:58:31Since when?
00:58:33Over time, I guess we all just got promoted.
00:58:35Well, but I'm, I'm, I was right, I thought I was right under the C, the CEO.
00:58:40Why would you think that?
00:58:43I'm the CSO.
00:58:44It says it on the mug you guys gave me.
00:58:46It stands for Chief Snack Officer.
00:58:50It was a joke because you're addicted to veggie straws.
00:58:54Oh.
00:58:55So how much you guys make?
00:58:57We're not doing that.
00:59:00How much you make?
00:59:01Come on.
00:59:01I'm not saying.
00:59:03Hey, how much do you make?
00:59:05Over there.
00:59:05You.
00:59:05How much do you make?
00:59:07You need to stop.
00:59:08Okay, fine.
00:59:10Everyone just raise your hand if you make more than $9.50 an hour.
00:59:17You're not even salaried?
00:59:19Salaried?
00:59:19What does that mean?
00:59:20What is that?
00:59:20What's salary?
00:59:21You don't know what a salary is, and you thought you were an executive.
00:59:24Executive?
00:59:25Oh.
00:59:26Oh, my God.
00:59:28I just bought a second house.
00:59:30How?
00:59:31Oh.
00:59:31Am I still allowed to fire people?
00:59:33You were never allowed to fire people.
00:59:36Cool.
00:59:37Great birthday, everybody.
00:59:39Farted and got demoted.
00:59:44You weren't demoted.
00:59:45You just learned what your job is.
00:59:49Great.
00:59:50Then I just farted.
00:59:57I have to go.
00:59:59Wait.
00:59:59Laura, it's your birthday.
01:00:02You deserve a real gift.
01:00:04I mean, is there anything we could do to make you happy, to make up for all this, anything?
01:00:08Yeah, whatever.
01:00:10Tell us.
01:00:11Tell me how much you make.
01:00:15Fine.
01:00:16$180,000.
01:00:21Plus benefits.
01:00:25And stock options.
01:00:29Stop giving her details.
01:00:32And, Laura, maybe I could talk to HR about getting you a promotion, too?
01:00:39Okay, we have got to get out of this room.
01:00:43Okay, who's ready for cake?
01:00:45Oh, no, no, no, no!
01:00:48What?
01:00:49Oh.
01:00:50Guess we thought the office was going to blow up because of Laura's embarrassing...
01:00:56Party City.
01:00:57Just get balloons.
01:01:05Once again, Sabrina Carpenter.
01:01:19Hi, I hope you're great.
01:01:24I think it's time we took a break.
01:01:29So I can grow emotionally.
01:01:35That's what he said to me.
01:01:42Here we go again, crying in bed with a familiar feeling.
01:01:48All my friends in love and I'm the one.
01:01:51They call for a third feeling.
01:01:53Probably should've guessed he's like the rest.
01:01:57So fine and so deceiving.
01:01:59There's nobody, son.
01:02:01Not anyone left for me to believe in.
01:02:19Oh, yeah, I'm good.
01:02:23Just thought that he eventually would.
01:02:29Came in, reach out with no serene.
01:02:34We discovered self-control this week.
01:02:42Here we go again, crying in bed with a familiar feeling.
01:02:47All my friends in love and I'm the one.
01:02:50They call for a third feeling.
01:02:53Probably should've guessed he's like the rest.
01:02:56So fine and so deceiving.
01:02:58There's nobody, son.
01:03:00Not anyone left for me to believe in.
01:03:06Believe in love.
01:03:08Oh, oh, oh.
01:03:18That boy is corrupt.
01:03:21If you gain reason to love me, baby.
01:03:25You sure fucked me up.
01:03:27Yes, I'm talking back to your baby.
01:03:30That boy is corrupt.
01:03:33He has D.S.T. on the daily.
01:03:35You sure picked me up
01:03:37Yes, I'm talking about your
01:03:40Here we go again
01:03:43Crying in bed
01:03:44What happened in your feeling?
01:03:47All my friends are loving
01:03:48I'm the one they call for up
01:03:51Probably should have guessed
01:03:54He's like the rest
01:03:55So funny, so he's
01:03:57Well, there's nobody
01:03:59Said not anyone
01:04:00Left for me to
01:04:02Believe it
01:04:25Now I don't know about you, but growing up
01:04:27I was always told to never judge a book by its cover
01:04:30But when I watch the news
01:04:33I feel like nobody else remembers that lesson
01:04:44So I wanted to put that to the test tonight
01:04:47With a little social experiment
01:04:48I fill the theater with professional actors
01:04:52Dressed to look stereotypically dangerous or scary
01:04:55Not the type one might expect to encounter
01:04:57In an upscale neighborhood
01:04:59I wanted to see if people would judge them
01:05:01Based on their appearances
01:05:02And what I found, frankly, disappointed me
01:05:06Okay
01:05:07First guy's going in
01:05:27But it wasn't just him
01:05:29Everyone was judging my actors based on their appearances
01:05:36Even this lady
01:05:37Who I thought would be woke
01:05:38Because of the haircut
01:05:41Miss
01:05:42Miss
01:05:42Why'd you leave that movie theater?
01:05:44Because everyone was dressed as Frankenstein
01:05:46And the movie I wanted to see
01:05:48Does not have Frankenstein in it
01:05:50Wow
01:05:51So you assume they were there
01:05:52To see a movie about Frankenstein
01:05:54Just because of the color of their skin?
01:05:56Well, the color of their skin was green
01:05:58She just said the quiet part out loud
01:06:00So if you walked into a theater
01:06:03To see the Fantastic Four
01:06:04And the whole audience was Asian
01:06:06What would you assume then?
01:06:08What would you assume?
01:06:11Um
01:06:12Everyone was failing my test
01:06:15And before long
01:06:16My Frankensteins were starting to lose faith
01:06:18Even my own girlfriend failed
01:06:21When I performed the same experiment
01:06:22In her apartment
01:06:25We broke up three months ago
01:06:27As my experiment evolved
01:06:30I found that people judged anyone
01:06:32Who looked differently
01:06:33Even a friendly face
01:06:38I had reached a low point
01:06:39Also that Frankenstein
01:06:41Who I thought fell asleep
01:06:42Actually had died
01:06:44But then
01:06:45Finally
01:06:46One man walked into that theater
01:06:48Without judgment
01:06:54This man had no reaction at all
01:06:57To being in a theater
01:06:58Full of Frankensteins
01:06:59Not before
01:07:00During
01:07:01Or after
01:07:02The movie
01:07:03I had to talk to him
01:07:05Excuse me
01:07:05What's up?
01:07:06Why didn't you judge the Frankensteins?
01:07:08Who's Frankenstein?
01:07:10Frankenstein
01:07:10You've never heard of Frankenstein?
01:07:12I know Tom Frankenberg
01:07:15Mary Shelley's Frankenstein?
01:07:16I love Mary Shelley
01:07:17How have you heard of Mary Shelley
01:07:18But not Frankenstein?
01:07:19I took gothic literature
01:07:20Yeah
01:07:20You took gothic literature
01:07:22And you have not heard of Frankenstein?
01:07:24Nah, I didn't ring any bells
01:07:25Who was that?
01:07:25Everyone in the theater was green
01:07:27Like shrimp
01:07:28Frankenstein
01:07:29I know Tom Frankenberg
01:07:30You already told me about Tom Frankenberg
01:07:32I had never been so confused by a guy in my life
01:07:35But then later
01:07:35As I was reflecting on the meaning of life
01:07:38I realized
01:07:39That the only way to truly rid the world of judgment
01:07:43Was through the power of song
01:07:46We are Frankensteins
01:07:49No need to judge us
01:07:53We are the ones
01:07:55Big out of the people
01:07:57And came to life
01:08:12And that's our show
01:08:14Thank you everybody
01:08:15Thank you so much to Lauren
01:08:17Thank you to the amazing cast and crew
01:08:20This has been one of my biggest dreams
01:08:21And I'm so, so grateful
01:08:23Thank you guys for having me
01:08:24Thank you for laughing
01:08:25And thank you for being such an amazing audience
01:08:28And I hope you have a great night tonight
01:08:31Thank you for having me
01:08:33Thanks for having me
01:08:34Bye
01:08:34Bye
01:08:34Bye
01:08:35Bye
01:08:38Bye
01:08:39Bye
01:08:47Bye
01:08:49Bye
Comments