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00:00:01On a cold December night, high above the earth, flies a big, jolly man of considerable girth,
00:00:09making his way to every home under the sun in his magical sleigh, Air Force One.
00:00:21You know, you have questions for the president, but it's very late.
00:00:25He's exhausted. His brain is all over the place.
00:00:28So, unfortunately, he can't wait to talk to you.
00:00:32Hello, everybody. Hi, it's me. Yes, hello. It's your favorite president.
00:00:38Hiding behind my curtain. Ooh, peek behind the curtain.
00:00:42Something I enjoyed doing at Miss Teen USA in 1997.
00:00:46I'm ready to talk. And, you know, this is exciting.
00:00:49Tonight I took both an Ambien and an Adderall, so we're going to see which one wins.
00:00:53So, just a few questions, please.
00:00:55Please. Oh, how great is Caroline Levy? We love her. Oh, she's got a beautiful face.
00:01:00And those lips that don't quit. Pretty amazing that I can just openly simp over my young blonde subordinate
00:01:07that's giving Michigan football coach. Can we get a close-up?
00:01:12Let's get a close-up on her mouth.
00:01:13That's okay, sir. It's one of my dot mouths. I don't know if they open up.
00:01:16Oh, I love that mouth. Look at that.
00:01:19People need to see this. Look at those lips. They go bop, bop, bop like a machine gun.
00:01:24Just spectacular. Oh, thank you, Mr. Parker.
00:01:25I'm a married man. I'm obsessed with this woman.
00:01:28Wow. See, she liked it because I'm very nice to women.
00:01:32Yes, you have a question, you nasty, horrible witch.
00:01:35Uh, my name is Caitlin Collins, sir, and that's one of the nicer things that you've called me.
00:01:41Sir, at your rallies this week, you addressed the affordability crisis.
00:01:45Are you admitting that it's a serious problem?
00:01:47No, it's a made-up term, affordability.
00:01:49The economy is very strong.
00:01:51Everyone's fine, from the billionaires all the way down to the poor, poor millionaires
00:01:56who we're praying for every night, which is a miracle because I inherited a mess of an economy
00:02:02from the awful presidents that came before me, like Biden and Trump.
00:02:07This guy, this guy did a real number on this place.
00:02:10Now, can a man ask me a question, please?
00:02:13Yes, you're kind of a man. I'll tell you what you got.
00:02:15Um, okay.
00:02:17Mr. President, any comment on the oil tanker you seized off the coast of Venezuela on Wednesday?
00:02:21Yes, we're doing pirate now. Arr!
00:02:25You know, it's interesting. Last week I said Somalis were garbage, and now we're stealing the ships.
00:02:30Ironic, isn't it? Alanis, she's great in dogma. She's Athena.
00:02:34But with regard to tanker, you know, I'm captain now. Remember that, Captain Phillips?
00:02:40I'm captain. I love that line.
00:02:42You know, Captain Phillips, one of my favorite captains after crunch.
00:02:46Hoops all berries.
00:02:47Why do you say hoops? I prefer it. I prefer when it's all crunch berries.
00:02:52Uh-oh, me thinks Ambien has pulled into the lead.
00:02:56But don't worry, Adderall is still in the race.
00:03:00Right. Uh, so you'll continue to carry out strikes on Venezuela in the Caribbean?
00:03:05Uh, uh, yes.
00:03:07And, you know, we're not just targeting drug boats.
00:03:09We're targeting suspected drug planes as well.
00:03:12In fact, we have some declassified video from a strike.
00:03:16I can show you now. Do we have that clip?
00:03:18Where's the clip?
00:03:26Was that Santa?
00:03:28Not anymore. Next question.
00:03:30Uh, Mr. President, do you have any comments on the, uh, potential sale of Warner Brothers to Netflix?
00:03:36I don't know why anyone wants Warner Brothers.
00:03:38They got one of the worst studio lot tours in L.A.
00:03:41You go on that thing and it's just some kid pointing to a tree.
00:03:44Oh, that's the tree from Pretty Little Liars. Who gives a crap?
00:03:48You want to go to Luke's? I want to go to the Gilmore Girls Gazebo.
00:03:51Let's go there. Or the Batman Museum.
00:03:54Right. Yes.
00:03:55But could you comment on the latest batch of Epstein photos released by House Democrats?
00:04:00Look, the fact is these photos are a fake news Democrat hoax, okay?
00:04:04Well, even the picture of a bowl of condoms with your face on them and the text saying,
00:04:09I'm huge.
00:04:10They're 100% legit. I love those files.
00:04:13I'm in the files. I took a lot of great pictures.
00:04:15Okay, okay.
00:04:16I like that bowl.
00:04:16Okay, I think that's enough questions. The president really needs to rest.
00:04:20Oh, it's true. I have to begin my pre-bedtime self-care ritual,
00:04:23putting a bandage on my hand and covering it with makeup,
00:04:26then adding more layers of bandage and makeup.
00:04:30It's a medical lasagna. Mamma mia.
00:04:32Yeah, we should. I'll be very worried about my health. I'm very ill.
00:04:36Then I will brush my teeth before drifting off to dream about Caroline's mouth.
00:04:42Let's get one more shot of it.
00:04:44Look at that mouth.
00:04:45You want to say the line?
00:04:46I don't know.
00:04:47Say the line.
00:04:48I want to see those lips say the line.
00:04:50Live from New York.
00:04:51It's Saturday Night Live!
00:04:57It's Saturday Night Live!
00:04:59With Michael Chang!
00:05:10Mikey Day!
00:05:17Andrew Dismute!
00:05:26Waui Fineman!
00:05:37Marcello Fernandez!
00:05:43James Austin Johnson!
00:05:53Cullen Jost!
00:05:58Sarah Sherman!
00:06:05Kenan Thompson!
00:06:11Bowen Yang!
00:06:16Featuring...
00:06:17Tommy Brennan!
00:06:21Jeremy Corley!
00:06:27Dan Marshall!
00:06:35Ashley Padilla!
00:06:38Cam Patterson!
00:06:42Veronica Slowikoska!
00:06:47Jane Wickline!
00:06:55Musical guest, Lily Allen!
00:07:00And your host, Josh O'Connor!
00:07:04Josh O'Connor!
00:07:12Chris O'Connor!
00:07:31Thank you!
00:07:32Thank you!
00:07:34Thank you!
00:07:36Thank you!
00:07:36Thank you!
00:07:36Thank you!
00:07:37Thank you so much!
00:07:37I'm so happy to be here!
00:07:39I'm Josh O'Connor!
00:07:41Josh O'Connor!
00:07:43and for those of you who know my face but maybe can't quite place me no I am
00:07:49not the mouse from flushed away although I will say he is quite fetching
00:07:56I'm an actor who you might know from the crown and other competitive homoerotic
00:08:06dramas yes I know I have a reputation for being what the internet calls a soft boy
00:08:12I embroider I scrapbook I garden I'm just your average everyday 65 year old woman and I'm just
00:08:19trying to live a quiet life but you have to be very careful about what you say because the press
00:08:25will blow everything completely out of proportion like one time I said that one of my favorite
00:08:31movies is Ratatouille which is true it's a great film but I suppose fans started pitching me as
00:08:36Chef Linguini for a live action Ratatouille remake and I'm not very online so I didn't know that this
00:08:43was a thing until the president of Disney Pixar publicly declared that there will never be a
00:08:50live action Ratatouille remake no matter how much Josh O'Connor wants it do you know how it feels to
00:08:58be publicly rejected from a job I didn't even want now for the record I don't even want a live
00:09:04action Ratatouille I don't have the time for it I made I'm already in the new uh Knives Out film
00:09:09which now that I'm saying out loud sounds like the perfect name for the live action Ratatouille
00:09:18but that's neither here nor there I'm at SNL and I'm so honored the cast the crew
00:09:23and sorry sorry for what it's worth I would kill as Linguini can we actually see a picture of him
00:09:29his ears his ears are huge and Ratatouille is basically a queer love story but I agree I agree
00:09:37let's not do it anyway being here at SNL during Christmas time is magical and joyous and guys you
00:09:44can't make Ratatouille unless you have the perfect cast there's just no point I mean who would play the
00:09:50food critic Anton Ego perhaps Jeff Goldblum
00:09:57no no no no I mean yes but later we've got a great show for you tonight Lily Allen is
00:10:02here
00:10:02so stick around and we'll be right back
00:10:28and now the game where singles mingle it's let's find love
00:10:36hello hello and welcome to let's find love I'm your host Garth Vader I don't know why that
00:10:42always gets a laugh it's just my name but today one lucky man will get his pick between three
00:10:48beautiful ladies in his search for love let's meet our prince charming Daniel Schlesser
00:10:54hi I'm Daniel I'm 35 years old and I've been told I'm cute but I don't know
00:11:01oh you know now before we meet our lovely ladies we would just like to say we have addressed the
00:11:08age
00:11:08discrimination problem here at the show so we have officially raised the age cap of our contestants
00:11:13from 38 to as old as we can find wait what let's bring out our ladies
00:11:22hi I'm Giselle I'm 36 I'm a swim instructor and I'm looking to cannonball right into your heart
00:11:34hi I'm Trisha I'm 35 I work in accounting but the only number I'm interested in is infinity with you
00:11:49what's going down I'm Mingam Krescher I'm 84 years old and I'm looking for someone to keep
00:11:53me cracking and smacking until my time here on earth is up
00:11:59fantastic all right let's get started with our first looking for someone to keep me going get
00:12:03my bones right keep my bones right make sure I'm taking my meds right getting my meals right
00:12:08getting my proteins right getting my cheese right getting my pills right make sure I'm getting
00:12:13my salmons right get my juice right getting my stuff right oh my god let's start the game
00:12:37okay all right there she goes she's gonna oh she's gonna back it in oh great all right I think
00:12:44she sees it
00:12:44wonderful I'm here okay well these are some beautiful ladies Dan let's start off with your
00:12:54first question okay um contestant number one we're bound to get under each other's skin but what is
00:13:01your biggest pet peeve oh my biggest pet peeve is when people are being mean to others oh that's so
00:13:09sweet I love nice girls no you don't no no we're all gonna wait our turns okay contestant number two
00:13:20um when people chew gum with their mouth wide open oh totally I absolutely hate that I'm not allowed to
00:13:29have gum anymore that's what they said that's what they said can that count as her answer uh no okay
00:13:41contestant number three biggest pet peeve is when there's no cake at a wedding doesn't make any sense
00:13:48makes me want to hurl myself over a bridge no cake at a wedding there should always be
00:13:53hot moist cake at a wedding or why should I go why should I go am I supposed to answer
00:14:03I don't think
00:14:04so okay next question contestant number one if we were to leave together uh where do you see our
00:14:11future in a year from now oh hopefully somewhere tropical together laughing under the stars a sense of
00:14:19humor that's so important I love that I gotta joke my sister's a bitch
00:14:27okay let's move on contestant number two um I'd like us to be in the suburbs with one child and
00:14:33a
00:14:33couple little ones on the way well medically impossible but a really nice idea and uh contestant
00:14:39number three I know exactly where I'll be in one year from now front row opening night of toy story
00:14:45five the toys are back and they're wiser than they were before Woody and the gang have to battle an
00:14:53iPad and Pixar's got a lot of pressure they gotta get the story right get the buzz right they gotta
00:15:00get Andy right get the toys right or else why should I go why should I go
00:15:10all right looks like it's that time to pick your one true love Daniel oh finally time to pick let's
00:15:17go
00:15:20let me see my options you don't pick whoa smoking well that's very flattering but I think I'm gonna have
00:15:30to
00:15:30go with someone else not you pretty boy him me oh yeah oh snap I never get picked yeah
00:15:38because that's not how the game works yeah bye bye bye boo I'm in charge come on man on the
00:15:43back let's get
00:15:43our bodies right let's go get our salmon right let's go get our juice right let's go get everything
00:15:48right let's get our meals right let's get our supplies right let's get our vitamins right
00:15:54it's the end of the year and you know what that means honey Spotify rap just dropped oh my god
00:16:00I love
00:16:01when they do this it's a way of looking back at who you were in 2025 Steely Dan yeah that
00:16:07tracks
00:16:08with shareable stats showing how you compared to people around the world I'm in Sabrina Carpenter's
00:16:13top 1% that's so neat well now there's another way to look back at who you truly were this
00:16:19year
00:16:19introducing Uber Eats wrapped oh no no thank you studied your patterns and crunched the numbers oh
00:16:29no I understood what it was I just don't like that and I don't want that well we did it
00:16:33anyway now you
00:16:34can find out which restaurants you couldn't live without Taco Bell Five Guys Burger King Chipotle
00:16:40guess that explains why the plumber's always here it's not always here toilet's all clear killer oh
00:16:46thanks man no I got you boo no problem and learn what food items had you in a chokehold because
00:16:53I'm
00:16:54in the top 1% of nuggets what does that even mean take a wild guess David what that I
00:16:59eat more nuggets
00:16:59than 99% of the world that can't be true you're eating nuggets right now and based on your order
00:17:07history our math wizards have determined your Uber Eats age my top food was churros and my Uber Eats age
00:17:14is dead better than mine 52 and fat I don't know why they're that fat I do what woman in
00:17:21the world
00:17:22would like what you just did and we weren't the only ones serving this year check out all the looks
00:17:27you wore to greet your Uber drivers who would I even share these with and we calculated exactly how
00:17:34much money you spent on Uber Eats this year $24,000 give me one second
00:17:43and check out personalized messages from the restaurants that kept you fed thank you so much
00:17:49Melissa because of you we are the number one Wendy's in the country
00:17:53oh my god a phone just hit me it's Uber Eats wrap you have to tell people you're going to
00:18:02do this
00:18:03are you out of your mind
00:18:08all right Mr. Coleman thank you for your patience the doctor will see you now
00:18:14hello patient
00:18:18apologies for the delay I was delayed
00:18:21oh um hi
00:18:22I have with me the results of your blood work
00:18:24oh okay is everything okay
00:18:26to tell you is my greatest wish
00:18:27but this is a teaching hospital so my intern who did your blood work will be giving you the results
00:18:33oh okay that's fine
00:18:35very good intern
00:18:38hello
00:18:41oh my god is that my blood
00:18:44what should I tell him
00:18:45if it is his say no
00:18:49no
00:18:49now please give the patient his results
00:18:53okay
00:18:54your blood
00:18:56is good
00:18:59okay that's a relief
00:19:00excellent job intern
00:19:01but are you sure the blood is good
00:19:04no
00:19:05then do not say it's good
00:19:08and that is the lesson for today
00:19:10goodbye
00:19:12wait
00:19:13you didn't even give me my results
00:19:15good catch
00:19:16that was a test
00:19:17or perhaps a quiz
00:19:19no quiz knows
00:19:20now I'm hungry
00:19:22what
00:19:22look I just want to know if my blood is okay
00:19:25doctor you're four o'clock
00:19:26is here
00:19:27no it's dead
00:19:28exactly how I left it
00:19:30what
00:19:31are you serious
00:19:32I am
00:19:33and don't call me serious
00:19:34my name
00:19:36is Shirley
00:19:39okay doctor please
00:19:40how did you know my last name
00:19:43your name is doctor please
00:19:45yeah
00:19:46he's doctor please
00:19:47and I'm Shirley please
00:19:49are you two related
00:19:51I hope not
00:19:56oh my god
00:19:58look
00:19:58can I please just get my test results
00:20:00I got a date tonight
00:20:02and I need to know if I have to
00:20:03como se dice
00:20:05disclose anything
00:20:08of course
00:20:09the patient is always right
00:20:11I think the saying is
00:20:12the customer is always right
00:20:14well in a way
00:20:15the patient is the customer of a doctor
00:20:17and a horse
00:20:19is the car for a cowboy
00:20:21that's a joke
00:20:22oh how I love jokes
00:20:24there's just something about them
00:20:26that
00:20:26makes me laugh
00:20:31you're not laughing
00:20:33but I'm smiling
00:20:34and what is a smile
00:20:36but a laugh
00:20:36that hasn't been born yet
00:20:38doctor you're five o'clock
00:20:40is dead
00:20:40no it's ugly
00:20:41then kill him
00:20:42I'll try
00:20:44now Shirley
00:20:45give the patient his results
00:20:47in plain English please
00:20:49your blood is right
00:20:50good mate
00:20:50it's proper fit in it
00:20:52but your sodium levels
00:20:53are bollocks
00:20:55so we're prescribing you
00:20:57all that
00:20:58and a bag of chips
00:20:59what is that
00:21:01it's a VHS of classic
00:21:02episodes of all that
00:21:04inside a bag of
00:21:05cape cod
00:21:06kettle cooked
00:21:06crinkle cut
00:21:07crisps
00:21:09they pert perfectly
00:21:10with lollytops
00:21:13what are lollytops
00:21:15they're lollipops
00:21:16but just the head
00:21:17for when you want to
00:21:19suck on something
00:21:19but not hold it
00:21:22doctor your car
00:21:23was towed
00:21:23no it was found
00:21:24at the scene of a crime
00:21:25exactly where I left it
00:21:27look please just
00:21:28tell me my results
00:21:29now
00:21:30fine
00:21:30see for yourself
00:21:35this is your blood work
00:21:37it says you two
00:21:38are related
00:21:40well
00:21:40guess we'll have to
00:21:41stop doing this
00:21:52next week
00:21:53Ariana Grande
00:21:54with musical guest
00:21:56Cher
00:22:19thanks for coming to my
00:22:20cozy little bachelorette
00:22:22weekend ladies
00:22:23I know it's lame
00:22:24but I just wanted to
00:22:25do something chill
00:22:25with my girlies
00:22:27well hopefully not
00:22:29too chill
00:22:30because what's a
00:22:30bachelorette weekend
00:22:31without strippers
00:22:34oh what
00:22:35no I told you guys
00:22:37it's not that kind
00:22:37of weekend
00:22:38strippers really
00:22:38aren't my thing
00:22:39okay don't worry
00:22:41I got you
00:22:41a different kind
00:22:43of stripper
00:22:44strippers that are
00:22:45more your type
00:22:46okay
00:22:47ladies
00:22:48meet
00:22:49Augie and
00:22:50Remington
00:22:57hi
00:22:58do we have consent
00:23:00to enter your home
00:23:02sure
00:23:07um
00:23:08hi
00:23:12you are enough
00:23:15oh my god
00:23:17before we get started
00:23:18um
00:23:19mind if I finish my book
00:23:20it was written by this
00:23:22brilliant woman of color
00:23:25um Margaret
00:23:26where did you find these guys
00:23:28on a Sally Rooney message board
00:23:30they're the most sensitive male strippers
00:23:33in all the cat skills
00:23:34okay I hate to be the group
00:23:37horn dog
00:23:37but are they not gonna strip
00:23:40oh they strip
00:23:41boys
00:23:52oh why are they wearing
00:23:54two cardigans
00:23:56look at Liza
00:23:57I think it's really working
00:23:58for her
00:24:00you know
00:24:00I think the president
00:24:02should be Cynthia Erivo
00:24:03oh god
00:24:06you're perfect
00:24:07okay I've never
00:24:08seen her like this
00:24:09I'm still not turned on
00:24:11y'all
00:24:11these guys look like
00:24:12frog and toad
00:24:13why are they gonna drop
00:24:15trow and show that
00:24:16Ticonderoga pork pencil
00:24:17oh
00:24:18Beth
00:24:19stop
00:24:20I'm just saying
00:24:21I want to see some skin
00:24:23ask and you shall receive
00:24:31big Zoran tattoo
00:24:32I don't want my strippers
00:24:34to have little beanies
00:24:35and little earrings
00:24:36I want them to throw ass
00:24:38in a cop outfit
00:24:39Laura
00:24:40throw ass
00:24:41throw ass
00:24:42wait look
00:24:43now they're dancing
00:24:48hey you
00:24:50seems like they're just
00:24:51vibing with each other
00:24:55what if we
00:24:56we shouldn't
00:24:59unless
00:25:00we can't
00:25:01are they having a
00:25:03will they won't they
00:25:04oh god yes
00:25:07oh
00:25:09can we get a laugh dance
00:25:11at least
00:25:11that's actually their
00:25:13specialty
00:25:13hit it guys
00:25:14of course
00:25:16oh
00:25:19whoa
00:25:20was not expecting
00:25:22the double jeans
00:25:23come here ladies
00:25:27oh
00:25:31oh
00:25:33oh
00:25:34oh
00:25:34oh
00:25:35oh
00:25:35oh
00:25:35oh
00:25:35oh
00:25:35oh
00:25:36you have to
00:25:38forgive yourself
00:25:38oh
00:25:39oh
00:25:40I think mine's
00:25:42crying
00:25:42oh
00:25:43he got over
00:25:45stimulated
00:25:45it's okay buddy
00:25:46I'm sorry
00:25:48I was just thinking
00:25:50about the
00:25:50supreme court
00:25:53no
00:25:53enough
00:25:54this is not
00:25:55what stripping
00:25:56is
00:25:56yeah and I'm worried
00:25:57lies is gonna
00:25:58cheat for real
00:25:59oh
00:26:00shut up
00:26:00jam
00:26:01I would
00:26:04hey babe
00:26:05surprise
00:26:05I made
00:26:07what the hell
00:26:08is this
00:26:09we don't want
00:26:11any problems
00:26:11sir
00:26:12oh yeah
00:26:12well I do
00:26:14get over here
00:26:15fleet foxes
00:26:16let's go
00:26:16oh
00:26:17oh my god
00:26:18they're fighting
00:26:20oh
00:26:21don't hurt them
00:26:22craig
00:26:22kill him
00:26:23right
00:26:23they're dead
00:26:24oh
00:26:24oh
00:26:25ow
00:26:26oh
00:26:27ow
00:26:28please stop
00:26:29oh
00:26:32now where were we
00:26:34oh
00:26:36oh
00:26:36oh
00:26:37oh
00:26:38oh
00:26:41oh
00:26:42oh
00:26:54oh
00:27:09Ladies and gentlemen, Lily Allen!
00:27:22You won't love me, you won't leave me, you don't touch me, still so needy, and I don't
00:27:40know if you do it intentionally, somehow you make it my fault.
00:27:48You don't stop talking, and I'm just sleepwalking.
00:27:58Of course I'm angry, of course I'm hot, looking back it's so absurd, of course I trusted you
00:28:04and took you at your word. Who said romance isn't dead, been no romance since we wed, why
00:28:12aren't we? That's what you said, but you let me think it was me in my head, and nothing
00:28:20to do with them girls in your bed. You don't stop talking, and I'm just sleepwalking.
00:28:32See your thoughts forming, baby stop it, it's three in the morning, and I don't know
00:28:42if you do it intentionally, somehow you make it my fault. You don't stop talking, and I'm just
00:28:56sleeping walking. I know you've made me your Madonna. I wanna be your whore. Baby, it would
00:29:10be my honor. Please, sir, can I have some more? I could preserve all of your fantasies, if only you
00:29:22could
00:29:23act them all out with me. You don't stop talking, and I'm just sleepwalking. See your thoughts
00:29:37forming. Baby, stop it, it's three in the morning, and I don't know if you do it intentionally,
00:29:45just somehow you make it my fault. You don't stop talking, and I'm just sleepwalking. Hey, you
00:30:03won't love me. You won't leave me.
00:30:34You don't stop laughing and I'll be out on my head. I'm just 베...
00:30:46It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
00:31:00Good evening, everyone.
00:31:01Welcome to Weekend Update.
00:31:02I'm Michael Che.
00:31:02I'm Colin Jost.
00:31:05This week, President Trump led a rally celebrating his handling of the economy, which for some
00:31:10reason he held at a casino in the Poconos.
00:31:13Just kind of weird to say, the future is brighter than ever.
00:31:16Isn't that right?
00:31:17Woman on oxygen playing the nickel slots.
00:31:21Trump's speech was supposed to focus on the affordability crisis, but he drifted off topic
00:31:26just a little bit.
00:31:27They don't use the word chief of staff anymore because of the Indians.
00:31:31Can you imagine if Donald Trump married his sister?
00:31:35Do we love minors?
00:31:36I love minors.
00:31:37What?
00:31:37Don't forget.
00:31:39Eggs.
00:31:39Eggs.
00:31:43I love that the president lost his train of thought and someone in the crowd had to remind
00:31:48him his train of thought was eggs.
00:31:50Sorry.
00:31:51Eggs!
00:31:52As you can see from the sign behind him, the theme of the rally was lower prices, bigger
00:31:57paychecks, which was much better than his original economic message, not my fault, sell your
00:32:03blood.
00:32:05This week, President Trump claimed that affordability is a new word made up by Democrats to hurt him.
00:32:10But if Democrats really wanted to make up a word specifically to hurt Trump, it would
00:32:15probably be Fat Mincha.
00:32:19President Trump also complained about immigrants from countries like Haiti and asked, why can't
00:32:24we have some people from Norway instead?
00:32:27Or how about someone who's Norwegian and Haitian, like Times Square Elsa?
00:32:35The Department of Homeland Security posted an image of immigration officers in Santa hats
00:32:40with the caption, you're going ho, ho, home.
00:32:44Even worse, Santa retweeted it.
00:32:51DHS Secretary Kristi Noem testified before Congress where protesters interrupted her by shouting
00:32:58the line, the power of Christ compels you from the exorcist.
00:33:03Noem mostly ignored them, but did take one quick look back.
00:33:11Last week, President Trump hosted multiple events at the Kennedy Center, including an award
00:33:16ceremony for Sylvester Stallone, Gloria Gaynor, and rock band Kiss, as well as a musical performance
00:33:23by the village people, which raises the question, is Donald Trump a gay man from 1978?
00:33:31In a new interview, President Trump said that Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro's days
00:33:36are numbered, as opposed to Trump, whose days are lettered.
00:33:45Trump also said that the proposed merger between Netflix and Warner Brothers' discovery could
00:33:50be a problem, adding, bribe!
00:33:54In response, Netflix is offering Trump one night with the demon hunters.
00:34:02The Archdiocese of New York announced that it will set up a $300 million fund for victims
00:34:08of sex abuse.
00:34:09The church encourages victims to claim the money by sticking their hand in this here hole.
00:34:20Okay, okay.
00:34:22Health officials are reporting a surge in winter vomiting disease, which is better known as
00:34:27SantaCon.
00:34:32This crowd's been there.
00:34:34The holidays are right around the corner.
00:34:36Many of us will be traveling home to see our families.
00:34:39Here to comment is our very own Marcelo Hernandez.
00:34:44Hello, everyone.
00:34:45How are you, Colin?
00:34:46I'm great.
00:34:47I'm great.
00:34:47Are you excited for Christmas, Marcelo?
00:34:49Yes.
00:34:49I love Christmas, man.
00:34:51I can't wait to see the family.
00:34:52I can't wait to meet the new boyfriends.
00:34:55Christmas is the time when someone brings a new boyfriend, and he spends the whole night
00:34:59pretending to be someone he's not.
00:35:01The guy's like, I love the food, Mrs. Hernandez.
00:35:04It's delicious.
00:35:05You don't like the food, Kyle.
00:35:07You like having sex with my cousin.
00:35:14And in my family, there's always an uncle who's big on giving unsolicited sexual advice,
00:35:19you know?
00:35:20He's like, hey, you, come here.
00:35:22Next time you go to the nipple, bite it a little bit.
00:35:26And you're like, I'm 11, man.
00:35:36Bite it a little.
00:35:39That was me when I was 11.
00:35:41So what kind of kid were you?
00:35:45The bad kind, Colin.
00:35:47I used to behave so bad that Santa Claus used to call me in the summer.
00:35:52My mom hands me the phone, and St. Nicholas himself is like, hey, Marcelo, ho, ho, ho.
00:35:57It's me, Santa Claus.
00:36:00If you don't behave, I'm going to skip your house.
00:36:03And I'd be like, I'm sorry, Santa.
00:36:05I'll behave.
00:36:06And he'd be like, te quiero mucho, Marcelo.
00:36:08Pueltate bien, que tú tienes tu mamá vuelta loca.
00:36:10Me and my dog, Rudolph, love you very much.
00:36:14That's actually sweet.
00:36:16Yeah.
00:36:16A lot of people used to call me, Colin.
00:36:18Spider-Man used to call me.
00:36:20Spider-Man?
00:36:20Yes.
00:36:21And he'd be like, hey, Marcelo, it's me, your neighborhood friend, Spider-Man.
00:36:27And I'm calling you because your mother telling me that you are climbing on the walls.
00:36:32You cannot do that.
00:36:33Only I can do that because I was beaten by a radioactive spider.
00:36:40Asi que pueltate bien, me and my brother, Superman, love you very much.
00:36:45I'm not sure that was actually Superman.
00:36:48You know, I actually still get a lot of these calls.
00:36:50Listen to this voicemail that Lorne left me.
00:36:53Whoa.
00:36:53Hey, Marcelo, it's me, your boss, Lorne Michael.
00:36:57Estoy llamando porque tu mamá me está diciendo que tú no estás pasando mucho tiempo con ella.
00:37:00Me and my brother, Jimmy Fallon, love you very much.
00:37:06Brother?
00:37:08All right, well, let's go back to the holidays, okay?
00:37:10I'm assuming you have, like, a big Latin Christmas.
00:37:15Don't do that, Colin.
00:37:17But yes, I do.
00:37:19We eat pork, we dance, and at the end of the night, my Cuban mom is like,
00:37:24you know what I want for Christmas?
00:37:25A grandchild.
00:37:27But you won't give it to me because you hate me.
00:37:30Oh, my God.
00:37:32Are there any Christmas movies that you guys watch?
00:37:34Yes.
00:37:34We used to always watch Home Alone.
00:37:36And as a Latino kid, that movie was unbelievable because this kid misses the plane, destroys the house, and ruins
00:37:43the vacation.
00:37:44And somehow, this movie doesn't end in a historic ass beating.
00:37:50In the first scene, the mom is like, go to your room, Kevin.
00:37:53And he goes, shut up, Mom.
00:37:55And I'm like, if that was me, that's where the movie ends.
00:38:00Roll the credits in memory of Marcelo Hernandez.
00:38:05Marcelo Hernandez, everyone.
00:38:07Marcelo Hernandez.
00:38:08Marcelo Hernandez.
00:38:10Thanks, Frank.
00:38:11Thanks, Frank.
00:38:13I love that.
00:38:15That's by the man.
00:38:17I like that.
00:38:17According to a new report, people in Long Island spend more money on OnlyFans than some entire Eastern European nation.
00:38:24Because Eastern Europeans are too busy working on OnlyFans.
00:38:31The Golden Globe nominations were announced with the most nominations going to the movie One Battle After Another.
00:38:37And the, very exciting, and the least nominations going to Michael Che's Hold Up, Madea Got a Daughter?
00:38:51A video has gone viral of a runaway horse in New York City galloping down a highway near JFK Airport.
00:38:58And good news, he made his flight.
00:39:04I thought you'd like that more.
00:39:07A photo has gone viral of a group of eight students from San Jose forming a human swastika while laying
00:39:14on their high school's football field.
00:39:15Even crazier, it was the result of a skydiving accident.
00:39:23I knew you wouldn't like that one.
00:39:27Police in Florida arrested two men and a woman.
00:39:30Good luck guessing which is which.
00:39:35After they were discovered having drunken sex in a Winn-Dixie parking lot,
00:39:40the trio was immediately transported to a Waffle House parking lot.
00:39:45A new bill has been proposed in Congress that would require fathers to pay 50% of medical expenses
00:39:52for a woman's pregnancy and delivery.
00:39:54Fine, but then I'm out.
00:40:01Pantone announced that their color of the year is Cloud Dancer,
00:40:04which they call a billowy, balanced white imbued with a feeling of serenity,
00:40:09a description they stole from my old Bumble profile.
00:40:17Well, there are many theories about how society as we know it could end.
00:40:22Here with a stern warning about the future is our own Jane Wickline.
00:40:28Hello.
00:40:30Thanks for having me.
00:40:32Hi, Jane.
00:40:33So we don't have much time left as a species, so I'm just going to get right into my song.
00:40:37Oh, well, if we don't have that much time, maybe we shouldn't do a whole song.
00:40:40This is called The Greatest Threat to Humanity Right Now.
00:40:43Great.
00:40:45We're programming monsters we will lose control of soon
00:40:49They're taking every job and singularity's approaching
00:40:55When they get smarter than us, will they be our doom?
00:40:59I think we all know the topic I am broaching
00:41:04We don't have much time left to stop them
00:41:06We must kill them while they're still weak
00:41:10The child actors from Stranger Things
00:41:15They are adults now
00:41:17We have to destroy them before they destroy everything
00:41:20The child actors from Stranger Things
00:41:24I really thought you were talking about AI
00:41:26AI is just a distraction
00:41:29The real threat here is Sadie Sink
00:41:31And her child's co-stars on Stranger Things
00:41:37Stranger Things is ending
00:41:38They'll have so much free time
00:41:41What if they grow self-aware?
00:41:44We need to keep them occupied
00:41:46They could mobilize their followers
00:41:4860 million followers
00:41:49We need to keep them occupied
00:41:52I just don't understand what you think the danger is
00:41:55The Stranger Things kids use a cubic mile of water every minute
00:42:02If there's a hell gate and my Toronto belongs in it
00:42:05Oh my god
00:42:06They're swashing the environment
00:42:08And killing the economy
00:42:11Finn Wolfhard is the devil to me
00:42:14He's the devil?
00:42:16The six of them are in a room right now
00:42:18Preparing to seize the next election
00:42:21And for these reasons, I stand with Vecna
00:42:26Vecna, Jay, these kids are harmless
00:42:27All they do is like go on hot ones
00:42:29Colin, things that start funny can get important
00:42:32Joe Rogan used to make people eat bugs
00:42:34And now he's the president of the United States
00:42:38Everyone's focused on Stranger Things
00:42:40And they're ignoring the Stranger Thing
00:42:42Of the strangers on the internet
00:42:44Thinking those six strange kids aren't a danger
00:42:46But they're the devil
00:42:47We're strange from the truth
00:42:49But I have a plan
00:42:50I'll tie some cheese to a string
00:42:51Put a stick under a box
00:42:53Sick enough to catch six strange kids
00:42:54I'll be a hero
00:42:56I will win an award
00:42:57You stopped the apocalypse
00:42:59President Chadbot will beam at me
00:43:01As we scramble the brains of the six strange kids
00:43:04And make them do
00:43:05Make them join the cast of All Spare
00:43:09Jane Wickline, everybody
00:43:11I've done it, and they brought me there
00:43:13I'm Kabul
00:43:13We can update them for this
00:43:15I'm Michael C
00:43:16Good night
00:43:39To celebrate the success of Wicked for Good
00:43:42Universal Pictures is releasing this special deleted footage
00:43:45From the movie that started it all
00:43:471939's The Wizard of Oz
00:43:52We're here
00:43:54I'm scared, Dorothy
00:43:59I am Oz
00:44:02The Great and Powerful
00:44:06Who are you?
00:44:10My name is Dorothy
00:44:12The Little and White
00:44:14And we come to ask
00:44:16Shut the hell up, girl
00:44:17The Great and Powerful Oz
00:44:20Knows exactly why you've come
00:44:22Step forward, tin man
00:44:26You dare to ask me for a heart?
00:44:30Um, yes, sir
00:44:33You see, if I could love
00:44:35Set your truck, you hunk of junk!
00:44:38And you, scarecrow, you dare to ask me for a brave?
00:44:44Yes, your honor, please
00:44:46Yes, your honor, please
00:44:46You stupid dumbass!
00:44:49And you, is that lion I see?
00:44:53Oh, no! Dorothy, hide me!
00:44:56I bet I already know what you want
00:44:59Well, you don't have to say it out loud
00:45:03Oh, it's okay, lion
00:45:05This pathetic bag of fur came all this way
00:45:09Just to ask me for a big old thing
00:45:16A big old thing?
00:45:18Oh, Mr. Oz, you got that all wrong
00:45:21Uh, yeah
00:45:23Well, my friend lion is only looking for some courage
00:45:31Courage? Is that what he told you?
00:45:33Yeah, right
00:45:34This psycho is looking for, and I quote
00:45:38A big old thing long enough to see from space
00:45:43What's he talking about, Wyatt?
00:45:45Uh, I don't know
00:45:46Maybe he's, uh, messing me up with somebody?
00:45:48I got all his letters right here
00:45:50He's been writing me for months
00:45:52This one says
00:45:53Dear Mr. Oz
00:45:55It's your boy lion again
00:45:57And I really think you should bless me
00:45:59With a big old thing
00:46:00That I can drag across the sand
00:46:03And spell my name
00:46:05Jesus, man
00:46:06Oh, this one
00:46:08Hey, Oz
00:46:09It's me
00:46:09A sick little girl
00:46:11And my last dying wish
00:46:13Is for my friend lion
00:46:15To have a thing so big
00:46:17Munchkins can use it for a pull-up bar
00:46:21Sincerely, lion
00:46:23What does that even mean?
00:46:26Oh, my God
00:46:28We should ask for that
00:46:30Ask for what?
00:46:32Oh, nothing, Dorothy
00:46:33Oh, come on, fellas
00:46:34Tell me
00:46:35Does a big old thing mean
00:46:37Courage?
00:46:39Uh, you're damn right
00:46:40Why?
00:46:42Don't tell her that
00:46:43Well, look, guys
00:46:44I have a very rare medical condition
00:46:46It's called
00:46:47Having the smallest thing in Oz
00:46:50How small could it be?
00:46:52Well, I'm standing here buck naked this whole time
00:46:55And nobody's freaked out once
00:46:58You ain't even got to blur it or nothing
00:47:00Wow, I guess we hadn't noticed
00:47:02Exactly
00:47:03You see, I need this Mr. Oz
00:47:05So that I can finally walk back to my jungle
00:47:07With my head held high
00:47:09And my big old thing
00:47:10Swinging like a church bell
00:47:13Why wouldn't you just tell us that that's what you really wanted?
00:47:16Because I'm a coward, duh
00:47:18Plus, I didn't know he was going to say it all loud in front of everybody
00:47:22Oh, please
00:47:24You've been here like eight times, man
00:47:27Asking for the same thing
00:47:28You know how this goes
00:47:30You've been here eight times?
00:47:32Silence! Enough!
00:47:35No need to argue
00:47:36The Beneficent Oz has every intention of granting all of you your requests
00:47:42For real?
00:47:44Really?
00:47:45Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
00:47:46Yes, but first, all you have to do
00:47:49Permission to change mine, sir
00:47:52What?
00:47:54Permission to change my wish from brains to a big old thing, too, sir
00:47:58I may not be very smart
00:48:00But I know I want a big old broomstick that can fit three witches
00:48:05But, Scarecrow, wouldn't you rather have a brain so you could read books and count numbers?
00:48:11No
00:48:13No?
00:48:15Dorothy, look at me
00:48:17No!
00:48:19I'd like to change mine, too, sir
00:48:21But, Tin Man, what about your heart?
00:48:25Well, of course, I still need a heart
00:48:27So I can pump enough blood to that new big old wimba-nyama, eh?
00:48:31Right, fellas?
00:48:34Fine, three big old things it is
00:48:38And as for you, Dorothy
00:48:43No, don't tell me that dog wants a big old thing, too
00:48:56But seriously I need to alter murder a lady
00:49:16I'm divorced
00:49:18Okay, great, great, great
00:49:19The easier one
00:49:23Oh fuck
00:49:27Hey bud, let's take a little hat stacker break, okay?
00:49:30Sure
00:49:32Thanks for coming to get a Christmas tree with me, bud
00:49:35You're welcome
00:49:37Hey, what's wrong, kiddo?
00:49:39I wish I got to see you on Christmas
00:49:41I know, buddy, but it's your mom's year
00:49:44And hey, I'll see you the week after
00:49:46And you know the best thing about Christmas, kiddo
00:49:48It's about
00:49:49Hey, jackass piece of shit, I'll f***ing kill you, I got a kid in the car
00:49:54I spilled my prime
00:49:56Alright, bud, let's find a tree
00:49:59Grab your jacket, Brad, it's cold
00:50:01Uh, I'm fine, I'm not cold
00:50:05Dad, I'm cold
00:50:08Yeah, you're good, bud
00:50:10Oh yeah, this is Primo Pine right here
00:50:12Yep, this is the one
00:50:14Hey, Brad
00:50:15You wanna do the honors?
00:50:16Really?
00:50:17Yeah
00:50:21I can't
00:50:23How's it going down there?
00:50:24I can't
00:50:26Get it
00:50:26Yeah, try to keep it in one, try to make one cut
00:50:29Cause it's sad, but it's so sticky
00:50:32It's hard to hold the saw
00:50:35You know what, buddy, why don't I tag in here?
00:50:39Who's that, bud?
00:50:41That's Emily, the prettiest girl in my class
00:50:47Okay
00:50:48Should I go riz her up?
00:50:50Yeah, bud, do your thing
00:50:51Go riz her down, too
00:50:55Hey, Emily
00:50:56Hi, Brad
00:51:01Look
00:51:02Sign
00:51:05Six, seven
00:51:08Love six, seven
00:51:12Okay, bye
00:51:13Bye, Brad
00:51:16Hey, Dad
00:51:17I'm back
00:51:18Oh!
00:51:19Buddy, are you okay?
00:51:20I'm fine
00:51:22Alright, mission accomplished
00:51:24Ooh, Brad, look
00:51:26There's your girl
00:51:27Here, I'll honk, you wave
00:51:28Don't, Dad
00:51:29You'll embarrass me
00:51:30Oh, come on
00:51:32Hey, Merry Christmas
00:51:36Oh, fan-fucking-tastic
00:51:42Hey, pal
00:51:49Hey, Dad
00:51:50Merry Christmas
00:51:51Guess what?
00:51:52And Shannon
00:51:52Oh, alright, let's turn the volume down a little bit
00:51:55Dad had a couple eggnogs at Sharky's last night
00:51:57Oh, sorry
00:51:58Aunt Shannon has diarrhea, so we're not going there anymore
00:52:01And Mom said that I could come to your house today
00:52:04Really?
00:52:06Well, that's a Christmas miracle
00:52:08Merry Christmas, Dad
00:52:09Merry Christmas, son
00:52:14Hey
00:52:15You gotta go
00:52:16My kid's coming over
00:52:18Oh, my God, you have a kid?
00:52:35This final is going to be brutal
00:52:37Professor Hamner is notorious
00:52:40Do we want to share our notes?
00:52:41You guys can
00:52:43I didn't take any, cause I knew it already
00:52:45Simon, dude
00:52:46You are unreal
00:52:47I can't believe you're in college and you're only 12
00:52:50It's chill
00:52:51I'm just like you guys
00:52:53Work hard, play hard
00:52:54No, you're way smarter
00:52:56Yeah, you could basically be our professor
00:52:58Probably will be soon
00:52:59If I stay in academia
00:53:01That is so badass
00:53:03Oh, sorry
00:53:04Is it okay if we swear in front of you?
00:53:06Of course you effing can
00:53:08I've heard it all
00:53:09Anyway, I'm here if you guys have questions
00:53:11Sorry, not if
00:53:12When?
00:53:14Hey, hon, hope your study group's going okay
00:53:16I brought your lunch
00:53:17Heather, get out of here, Heather
00:53:18Okay
00:53:19I don't need that, I have a meal plan, Heather
00:53:21Heather, go, don't embarrass me, Heather
00:53:23Yeah, let's get back
00:53:24What's in it?
00:53:25Impressibles
00:53:26Favorite strawberry?
00:53:27Both
00:53:27Don't leave it
00:53:28Okay, thank you
00:53:32So, where are we going for spring break?
00:53:36Simon, are you okay?
00:53:37Yeah, defo
00:53:38If we do Miami, we can get there by train
00:53:40Um, was that your mom?
00:53:43What?
00:53:44No, that'd be weird
00:53:46I'm just like you guys
00:53:48I live in the dorms
00:53:49I have a roommate
00:53:50I shower in my shoes
00:53:51My balls are happening
00:53:53Oh, um, wait, who's your roommate?
00:53:56Oh, this random older woman they paired me with
00:53:59Is it your mom?
00:54:02I don't think so
00:54:04Hey, Simon, hon, you forgot your jacket for later
00:54:06Heather, no, Heather
00:54:07Oh, oh, come on
00:54:09I mean, but it's cold outside
00:54:11You were indoors, Heather
00:54:12Check the forecast, Heather
00:54:13I did
00:54:13What did I say, Heather?
00:54:14Leave it
00:54:16Okay
00:54:16Thank you
00:54:20And you're sure that's not your mom?
00:54:23Nope, it's just a girl I'm dating
00:54:25Oh, okay
00:54:27But I might end it
00:54:28Because I want to be single for Miami
00:54:30Speaking of, what's the tea?
00:54:32Who's hooking up with who?
00:54:34I don't know if we feel comfortable talking about that
00:54:36It's cool, I've done it all
00:54:38I know how it works
00:54:40One time, this old Ukrainian lady was teaching me Rachmaninoff on the violin
00:54:44And I could feel her big old breasts against my back
00:54:48That's awesome, man
00:54:51Anyway, if you guys need my help, I need an awesome study guide
00:54:54But, oh shoot, I think I left it back in my dorm
00:54:57Hey, Simon, I actually have your study guide here
00:54:59Heather, you can't just do that
00:55:00I know you want it
00:55:01You anticipate my needs and the needs of others, Heather
00:55:04That's pretty coffee
00:55:05You might find yourself, Heather
00:55:06Thank you
00:55:07You're welcome, you really saved the day
00:55:08Oh, will you please call me mom?
00:55:10No, Heather, you're my peer, Heather
00:55:11What?
00:55:12Plus, I'm trying to hook up with this girl, Heather
00:55:13Oh, honey
00:55:14I can tell she's down, Heather
00:55:15Oh
00:55:16She's attainable, she's not too pretty, Heather
00:55:18I can see that, Simon
00:55:19Hey
00:55:21But you can't date adults
00:55:22You're not the boss of me, Heather
00:55:23Yes, I am
00:55:24You need my permission to go to this school, I can yank you right out
00:55:27Don't
00:55:28But I can't
00:55:28Where will I go, Heather, on the street?
00:55:30No
00:55:30I can't end up like that
00:55:32Folding shirts, that old navy, like dad
00:55:34I like this
00:55:34I know
00:55:35Okay
00:55:39Sorry about that
00:55:41By the way, she's definitely not coming to Miami
00:55:44We're not going to Miami
00:55:46It's okay, Simon, that's obviously your mom
00:55:49You don't have to be embarrassed
00:55:50Yeah, we all know what moms are like
00:55:52And yours does seem pretty overbearing
00:55:54Hey, hey, you suck that
00:55:58She is beautiful
00:55:58She sacrificed everything
00:56:00She could be a reporter, that's how hot she is
00:56:03I bet you don't even have a mother
00:56:06I actually have two gay moms
00:56:09What?
00:56:09How would that work?
00:56:10Two Heathers?
00:56:11You must be so loved
00:56:13Look, Simon, I totally get it
00:56:15You wouldn't know because she kept her maiden name
00:56:17But Professor Hamner is actually my mom
00:56:20We're good now, but it took a little while to get used to
00:56:23Oh wow
00:56:23Hi, everyone
00:56:25Bradley, hon
00:56:26You didn't come to office hours like everyone else
00:56:28So I just wanted to drop off your last problem set
00:56:31Barbara!
00:56:33Don't do this, Barbara!
00:56:34I'm sorry!
00:56:35Barbara, no!
00:56:36I can give it to you later
00:56:38How did I do, Barbara?
00:56:39You got an egg
00:56:40Okay, leave it
00:56:41Heather, there's another mom
00:56:43I'm a friend for you, Heather!
00:56:49Thank you!
00:57:10Once again, Lily Allen!
00:57:22I know none of this is your fault
00:57:24Messaging you feels kind of assaulted
00:57:26Saw your text, that's how I found out
00:57:28Tell me the truth and its motives
00:57:29I can't trust anything that comes out of his mouth
00:57:33No, I can't trust anything that comes out of his mouth
00:57:38How long has it been going on?
00:57:40Is it just sex or is there emotion?
00:57:41He told me it would stay in hotel rooms
00:57:44Never be out in the open
00:57:45Why would I trust anything that comes out of his mouth?
00:57:48Oh, why would I trust anything that comes out of his mouth?
00:57:54We had an arrangement
00:57:57Be discreet and don't be blatant
00:58:02And there had to be payment
00:58:06It had to be with strangers
00:58:11But you're not a stranger, Madeline
00:58:14Hey!
00:58:16Hey!
00:58:16He is telling you the truth
00:58:17Our relationship has only ever been about sex
00:58:20I can promise you that this is not an emotional connection
00:58:22We don't speak outside of the time we spend together
00:58:25And whenever he talks about you
00:58:27It's with the utmost respect
00:58:28You tell me he's telling the truth
00:58:31Is that the case or a line that he fed you?
00:58:33Wanna believe you but is it a ruse?
00:58:35Lie to me babe and I'll end you
00:58:36I can't trust anything that comes out of his mouth
00:58:40Now I'm not convinced that he didn't
00:58:42In our house
00:58:44Do you two ever talk about me?
00:58:46Has he told you that he doesn't love me?
00:58:49I bet he tells you, tells you he loves you
00:58:50I've gotten old, gotten ugly
00:58:52I wouldn't trust anything that comes out of his mouth
00:58:55No, why would you trust anything that comes out of his mouth?
00:59:01We had an arrangement
00:59:05Be discreet and don't be blatant
00:59:09And there had to be payment
00:59:12It had to be with strangers
00:59:20But you're not a stranger, Madeline
00:59:30Madeline
00:59:32Madeline
00:59:35Madeline
00:59:37But you're not a stranger, Madeline
00:59:40I hate that you're in so much pain right now
00:59:43I really don't want to be the cause of any upset
00:59:45He told me that you were aware this was going on
00:59:48And that he had your full consent
00:59:49If he's lying about that, then please let me know
00:59:53Because I have my own feelings about dishonesty
00:59:56Lies are not something I want to get caught up in
00:59:59You can reach out to me anytime, by the way
01:00:01If you need more details
01:00:03Or even if you just need to vent
01:00:06Or anything
01:00:08Love and light
01:00:10Madeline
01:00:39Madeline
01:00:41This season
01:00:41Get ready to listen to your favorite icons of Christmas
01:00:43Out compliment each other in
01:00:45Characters on Characters
01:00:47With incredible pairings
01:00:48Like Rudolph
01:00:49And the partridge in a pear tree
01:00:52Wow, Rudolph
01:00:53It is such an honor to be sitting across from you
01:00:57Are you kidding me?
01:00:58I'm such a huge fan of your song
01:01:00It's such...
01:01:00Such an honest portrayal of how many days there are of Christmas
01:01:05Wow, that's...
01:01:06Wow, that's...
01:01:07That's...
01:01:08That's awesome
01:01:08Thank you, man
01:01:09So I wanted to start by asking
01:01:11What was your training like before you started flying with the sled?
01:01:14Can I confess?
01:01:15I actually don't have any formal training
01:01:17No!
01:01:18It's true, it's true
01:01:19That's incredible
01:01:19And really, I'm just a part of an ensemble
01:01:22Which I know you understand
01:01:23Yeah, well, you know, when we did 12 Days
01:01:26It was, uh...
01:01:28All the turtle doves
01:01:29And the maids of milking
01:01:30And when you work on a song like that
01:01:32It's just, uh...
01:01:33Like your chosen family
01:01:33I'm gonna be for chosen family!
01:01:36What is your holiday favorites?
01:01:38Like Scrooge and the Grinch
01:01:39Talk about process in a way that makes you go...
01:01:45I mean...
01:01:46To get to say the words of Dr. Seuss
01:01:49I mean...
01:01:50What a privilege, you know?
01:01:52Of course
01:01:53And how was it, um, working with Max?
01:01:56Oh, Max, the dog? Amazing
01:01:58Yeah, he's a genius
01:01:59He's a genius
01:02:00Uh, yeah, we shot on location in Whoville
01:02:03And the people could not have been more welcoming
01:02:06I mean, what is going on with them politically right now?
01:02:11Oh, it's unthinkable
01:02:12And my 3x heart goes out to them
01:02:15Uh, so tell me about Bah Humbug
01:02:18Was that improv?
01:02:20I'd love to say that it was, but that was all Charlie
01:02:24Charlie
01:02:25Oh, Dickens
01:02:25Yeah, yeah, yeah
01:02:26Haven't you ever worked with him?
01:02:29Oh, no, no, I'm dying to
01:02:32But not yet
01:02:32Yeah, no, no
01:02:34And don't miss the touching conversation between two former child stars
01:02:43Um, it's, uh, good to meet you, Tiny Tim
01:02:45Oh, uh, it's just Tim now, but, uh, it's an honor to meet you, little drummer boy
01:02:50Oh, well, now I go by Drum Daddy
01:02:55Right, right
01:02:56Right, and I hate to ask this, but could you do the thing?
01:03:01Oh, which thing is that?
01:03:03Come on, man, don't act like there's multiple things
01:03:08Pow, rum, pum, pum, pum
01:03:09Yes!
01:03:10Let's go!
01:03:11That's my childhood, dude!
01:03:12I love you, man!
01:03:15I love you, too
01:03:15And literally the only two women in all of Christmas
01:03:18Mrs. Claus
01:03:19And the grandma from Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
01:03:25Um...
01:03:26I'm sorry, I think she might be dead
01:03:31Where am I?
01:03:33Where are you, people?
01:03:36Varieties, characters on characters
01:03:38Just let these auto-play on your computer
01:03:40So that a bunch of nice people can still get to work at a magazine
01:03:43Happy Holidays!
01:03:59Ah, cheers!
01:04:01Gosh, when was the last time we all had brunch?
01:04:04Seriously, I love when it's just us
01:04:06No husbands, no kids, no ferrets
01:04:08No offense, Beth
01:04:09Uh, Peeper's, uh, Peeper's passed, actually
01:04:13Oh, God, we're so sorry
01:04:14No, no, no, he passed on coming here
01:04:16He had a big week
01:04:18Oh!
01:04:19Uh, well, send Peeper's our love
01:04:21Wait, have you guys heard Lily Allen's new album?
01:04:24I love it
01:04:25Obsessed
01:04:25Oh, my gosh, her songwriting is genius
01:04:28Like, her lyrics are so specific
01:04:31Agreed
01:04:31Okay, but wait, someone has to take the last piece of this flatbread
01:04:34Oh, I think that's mine
01:04:37I think that's mine
01:04:37Oh, okay
01:04:38Sorry, Caroline, do you want it?
01:04:40No, no, go for it
01:04:40Are you sure?
01:04:42Yeah, yeah, of course
01:04:42Oh, thanks
01:04:44Ooh
01:04:46We ordered a flatbread
01:04:48It came with eight slices
01:04:49The math is quite simple
01:04:51Eight slices divided
01:04:53By just four people
01:04:55We should each get two
01:04:56Yet Megan took three
01:04:58And so I was screwed
01:05:00And I thought
01:05:01I thought that that was quite strange
01:05:08Eat it!
01:05:08I'm not even hungry
01:05:09I'm totally like GLP-1 vibes
01:05:12Oh, okay, thanks
01:05:14Uh, so is anyone doing anything after this?
01:05:16Oh, yeah, I have really fun plans
01:05:18I'm taking Peeper's to get an IUD
01:05:21Oh, I didn't realize Peeper's was a girl ferret
01:05:24Yeah, she's just mask
01:05:26Oh, excuse me, sir, uh, sorry
01:05:30This mask is a little too spicy for me
01:05:32Oh, so sorry about that
01:05:34That's our mistake
01:05:35Uh-uh
01:05:37When he ordered his drink
01:05:38He said, can you make it spicy?
01:05:40I said, when we do spicy
01:05:42It can be really spicy
01:05:44He said, that's great
01:05:45Cause I really like spicy
01:05:47But now he is pissed
01:05:49Cause his drink is so spicy
01:05:51And I thought
01:05:53I'm going to spit in his drink
01:05:57Uh, just let me fix that right away, sir
01:05:59I'll be right back
01:06:00Oh, wait
01:06:02I have some news
01:06:03Wait, have you guys seen All's Fair?
01:06:05Yes, it's so camp, I'm obsessed
01:06:07Sarah Paulson is unbelievable
01:06:10This always happens
01:06:11I get interrupted
01:06:13Whenever I
01:06:14Oh my god, Kim!
01:06:16Hi, so sorry I'm late
01:06:18I hope it's okay
01:06:19I brought Ryan
01:06:21Yeah
01:06:21Sure
01:06:22We can get another chair
01:06:23Totally
01:06:24This is so awkward
01:06:26This is so awkward
01:06:26I was blindsided
01:06:27I specifically asked
01:06:29If I was invited
01:06:31I don't like her friends
01:06:33They don't get my jokes
01:06:34Even though I have good ones
01:06:37Like
01:06:38Beep, beep!
01:06:39Make room for the Daddy-mobile
01:06:41I woke up
01:06:43This car runs on Daddy-juice
01:06:49They thought that that was quite strange
01:06:56What the hell?
01:06:58That wasn't me, it just fell
01:06:59How does a mimosa fall on its own?
01:07:03I just did that
01:07:04I did it with my mind
01:07:06I've been practicing magic
01:07:08Since 2009
01:07:10And I thought
01:07:11I'm like Matilda by Paul
01:07:17Excuse me
01:07:18Uh, waiter
01:07:19This man just spilled a mimosa on me
01:07:21Oh, John
01:07:23I can help with that
01:07:25This is so awkward
01:07:27I do not work here
01:07:29I'm Lily Allen
01:07:30It's Mr. Clyde
01:07:32Last week I wore this
01:07:34To a cheesecake factory
01:07:36I worked a whole shift
01:07:37It turns I'm way too polite
01:07:40Wait, oh my God
01:07:42Look who it is
01:07:44It's me
01:07:45No, it's
01:07:46Peepers!
01:07:48I guess she decided to come after all
01:07:53And I thought
01:07:54I thought that that was quite strange
01:08:15With my thanks to Lily Allen
01:08:17And to Kota Johnson
01:08:19Thank you very much
01:08:20And good luck
01:08:21Thank you
01:08:22Thank you
01:08:23Thank you
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